Original subtitles

[bat wings flapping]

[sludgy heavy metal music]

[energetic heavy metal music]

- Sure I'm runnin' out of time here, Ralph,

but I'm not ready to sell at that price.

I know, it ain't pretty, but it's my place.

You know, my business, my pleasure.

It's my Shangri-La, you understand?

Well, hey, Ralph, could you give me just,

just a couple more days, to think it over?

Okay, all right, yeah, I'll call you.

Thanks, buddy.

Cheapskate son of a bitch.

- [Voiceover] KNTZ.

- [Voiceover] Welcome back, you're listening to KNTZ,

the nuts network.

- [Voiceover] Hallelujah!

- [Voiceover] Whoa, Los Angeles, honk those horns,

'cause you're stuck in horrendous traffic

this Friday evening.

[fake gun fire and screams]

What's the deal, Rattler?

- [Voiceover] I don't know, Ryan.

People are rioting in the streets,

going crazy, and the Lakers aren't even playing tonight.

[rimshot]

You can see it downtown, right outside the studio,

there are just a bunch of loonies on the loose.

- [Voiceover] Well lock your doors, LA,

roll up your windows,

and get ready to ride it out with Ryan and the Rattler,

here on--

- [Voiceover] KNTZ! The nuts network.

- Can't catch a fuckin' break!

- Hey! Spider!

Gimme some change so I can come in and have a drink.

It's gonna be a bad night out here, man.

- You stink like shit, Pete.

Now here, just take your greasy hand off my jacket.

Go drown yourself somewhere else.

- Show some love, man!

People so hungry, they eatin' each other out here.

- Yeah well, they gotta eat something, right?

- Well fuck you, Spider.

- Fuck you, too, Pete.

- You tell those pretty little girls of yours,

I'll be out here waitin' for 'em

when you go out of business.

- Hey, how's it goin', boss?

- Keep a close eye on the door tonight, Marv.

There's a lot of rats crawlin' around out there.

I don't want them scaring away the customers.

- Oh you got it, boss.

Hey, is it a good time to talk about?

Are you busy?

You know, what I brought up yesterday?

- You haven't seen busloads of people

walkin' through that door, have you, Marvin?

No people means no money.

No money means no raise, so stop beggin' me!

Any lowlife squirm in, you just pop 'em in the jaw,

turn 'em around, and send 'em right back out,

you get a paycheck, huh?

You can handle that, right, big fella?

- Whatever you say, boss.

- All right.

How'd we do on the early tip?

- Not too good, some bum tried to sneak

in the back door, I caught him.

You know, he was pissin' in the hallway, he's gone.

- Jesus Christ, Marvin, how many times I gotta tell you,

that back door stays locked!

You got the balls to ask me for a raise?

Jesus Christ.

- Hey, but I got it now, boss.

Weasel dick.

- What ya buildin' there, Bobby?

- My beach house, pretty neat, right?

- Speakin' of need, Bobby, pour me a whiskey.

Sugar Hills needs her medicine.

Listen, someone better call the ambulance

'cause if I can't get a rise out of these stiffs,

they ain't got no pulse.

- Put the bottle down, Bobby.

You're out-drinkin' the customers, sweetie.

- Oh. Really? What customers?

- [laughs sarcastically] You know the policy.

Sell some drinks, get some drinks.

Those cats aren't liquored up, they're asleep.

Now I want you to take that beautiful ass of yours,

turn it back around, march it over there,

and wake 'em up.

Light their jeans on fire.

Hey, tell you what.

You sell a dance, and I'll let you put away a whole bottle,

how's that sound?

- Are you havin' a rough day, Spider?

Maybe you should have that drink, huh?

- I am havin' a rough day.

- Go 'head, pour it.

- Shirley Temple, Bobby!

Put the goddamn whiskey down.

I'll tell you what'd make it a lot easier,

is if you would just do me the simple favor

of not busting my balls this evening.

- You know what, Spider?

When I'm feelin' blue and nothin's goin' my way,

do you know what I do?

I take a deep breath, and I ask myself,

[laughs] what would Hambo Ranch Hand do? [laughs]

- You think you're pretty damn funny, don't ya?

You think it's just hysterical

that a grown man might actually admire

a so-called "children's entertainer."

Well lemme tell you somethin',

Hambo is an American icon.

30 years on the tube,

and that man is at the top of his game!

He's a perfect blend of morality, pathos, and slapstick.

This man is the Buster Keaton of our generation.

He is under-appreciated.

He's always putting his foot down for the little guy,

but ahhhh.

Can't expect narrow minds like you

to appreciate the genius that is Hambo.

- You're sweet,

but you've got no taste. [laughs]

- I hired you, didn't I?

[trance electronic music stuck on same beat]

What the fuck is up with this music?

- I don't know, but I dig it, man.

Got a nice groove to it.

- I swear, I am gonna fire that little stoner.

[music screeches off]

- Fuck!

Man, fuck, what the fuck is with you, dude?

- Told ya before, Berny,

that shit'll lower your sperm count.

- Man, that is pure sativa, dude.

That shit was fuckin' expensive, man.

What's the deal, dude?

I was just gonna take my five.

- Well take all the time you want, 'cause you're fired.

- Gah, come on, Spider, dude,

I been spinnin' killer sets all week, dude.

Tonight, too, man, look, I brought Dick Dale,

Link Wray, the Atlantics, dude, you love this stuff.

- Yeah, but you're playin' that dirty vinyl

and it keeps skipping.

It positively murders the vibe, Bern.

Forget it, I'm pluggin' in the MP3 player.

- Fine, man, go the way of the beast.

Hook up that machine that pumps out shitty digital jams,

and throw the talent out on the street.

That's cool.

- Hey, the talent is on the stage.

And every time one of those discs wigs out,

we stop making money.

The music never stops, never skips, huh?

The tits keep shakin', the mopes keep payin', all right?

Take your records and clear on outta here.

I'll pay you out for the night.

- Dude, come on, Spider, man, I love this gig.

Look, gimme another shot,

I'll put on somethin' real sick for the next tease.

One more shot, hmm?

- Look, you got one last shot, one, one!

And I catch you roastin' a bone around my equipment again,

you're gone for good.

You're not gonna get me in trouble with the cops.

- The cops?

When is the last time you saw cops in this neighborhood?

- You're such a smartass.

- Look, Spider, I love you.

Because I love you, I'm gonna put on something

real sick for the next girl.

Check it out.

- How's she been doin' anyway?

- You can see for yourself.

Gentlemen, cock your rifles 'cause it is huntin' season.

This little lost doe will get your heart thumpin'

and your blood pumpin'.

Straight from the enchanted forest,

let's give a warm Tough Titty welcome for Bambi,

on the main stage.

[book thuds against the stage]

- Oops.

[wiry surf music]

- Uhhhhhhhh.

Ahhhhhhh.

- Well,it's a start.

- Uhhhhhhh.

- Look at that ass, man.

She's lost in the exotic beat,

deep under the spell of my surf jam.

- Yeah, and they're deep a-fucking-sleep.

Look at the bastards!

- I know. Heathens.

- It's the music, Bern.

Now I gotta deal with these guys.

More oomph in the speakers, kid,

come on, crank it.

- What? Man.

[police siren wails]

- Marvin.

- It's a real bum orgy out there, boss.

I haven't ever seen so many of 'em.

- Spare me the social commentary, big guy.

There's a couple bums in here I need you to take a look at.

- Why, are they actin' up?

- They ain't actin' at all, the cheap sons of bitches.

- I'm so sorry, Spider, I was really using my imagination.

- They aren't interested in that, sweetie.

What's goin' on? Is it the music?

It's the music isn't it.

I swear I'm gonna fire that-- - No, no, no.

No, I was into it.

I guess they weren't.

- Shh shh shh, no, sweetheart,

you are perfect.

Here, you just uh.

- Uhhhhhhh.

- Take that, and you let me deal with 'em, okay?

- Uhhahhhh.

- How we doin' tonight, gentlemen?

- Ahhhhhhhh.

- Hey, look, fellas, I don't know what kind of establishment

you think this is.

You're gonna buy some drinks, tip my ladies,

or else mosey on.

[smacking and gurgling]

- I don't think they need anymore drinks, boss.

- Get these fuckin' freaks outta my bar, Marvin.

- Fuck, can somebody get a mop?

I think this one shit himself.

- You're the one who let these animals in my bar.

Are you nuts?

- I mean, they looked a little scuffed up, but

[Blood spurting]

they were beggin' to come in here off the street.

They paid a lot of dough up front.

- Get 'em out of here right now!

- Uhhhhh.

- I thought those guys were all right.

- Hey, Jasmine.

- Hey, Daddy.

- That guy's not bleedin' or biting is he?

- Doesn't that, like, cost extra?

[police sirens wail]

- Troubled times, my friends.

The American dream is stuck in the mud.

Move back to the countryside,

because the cities aren't safe.

Streets are filled with little brats like these,

tiny criminals in training,

stinkin' up the boulevards with their boo-hoos

and their [snorts] snotty noses.

Well, you know what Hambo the Ranch Hand says,

the prison's are full,

there's no alternative,

eggs-ecute 'em, eggs-ecute 'em all. [laughs]

[Spider laughs]

[test tone beeps]

Come on.

- Violence in the streets.

Public health officials have failed to respond

to questions regarding this outbreak

of grisly attacks across the city.

- Shovin' this crap down my throat.

- The mayor's office has issued a statement

advising all citizens to remain indoors.

- Five grand in the whole

and they're tellin' everyone to stay indoors.

We're officially in the shitter, Hambo.

You're right, you always are,

they're all a bunch of criminals.

A whole world of 'em.

- Hospitals around the city are overwhelmed

by a steady influx of patients

with strange symptoms, such as

fever, dementia, and extreme aggression.

- Uhhhhhhhh.

- Braains.

- Uhhhhhhhh.

- Stay out.

- Argggggggg.

- Uhhhhhhhh.

- You freaks can't take a hint, can ya?

Yeah, you blew it. - Brains.

- You're not comin' back in.

- Arahhhhauuh.

- You fuckin' psychos.

Spider! Spider! We got problems.

[metal grate slams against door]

- I'm through with this town, Hambo.

Getting out while the getting's good.

- [Voiceover] Working Kings.

- Get me Mr. Fiorentino.

- Who's calling?

- Spider down at the Tough Titty.

Just checking if that offer's still on the table.

- One moment please.

[clears throat]

- Hey.

- Get outta here, I'm on the phone!

- Boss, this ain't gonna wait.

- Ralph! Yea, lemme just call you back.

Well no, the deal's on.

- [Voiceover] Are you sure? - Yeah, I'll sign the papers

tomorrow, okay, buddy, yeah, okay.

This better be good.

Tell me what I'm payin' ya for, Marvin?

- You don't get it, Spider, they won't leave.

- You must've made quite an impression, girl.

- Guess I'm gettin' the hang of it.

- You've been a natural from the start.

- A little too natural for this line of work, come on.

- If they were this interested in being here

when they were here, they'd still be here.

I told you freaks to get--

- Uhhhhhhhhh.

[woman grunts]

- Come back here again, I'll snap your dicks off,

you crazy fuckin' white boys.

Gonna drool on my leather shoes, shit!

- Vanilla.

- Sorry I'm late.

The fuck y'all starin' at?

- You're supposed to protect the girls from the patrons,

not the other way around.

[door clangs shut]

- Boss, I swear, I was pushin' and pushin',

they just kept comin'.

It's a bad night.

- Yeah yeah, it's always a bad night.

Which reminds me. [sighs]

Well, I'm glad you're all here.

Got an announcement to make.

- What, that you're gonna take us all

to the tanning salon like you promised?

- Oh, honey, you're orange enough all ready.

- Hey, can we just suck it up for a second?

This is important. - Shut up, Sugar.

It's not orange, it's terracotta,

and it, like, was expensive, okay?

- Lay off her, Sugar.

She hasn't had a lifetime of booze

and two dollar tug jobs to sour her peach, like you.

- Come on, guys, peace.

- My sour peach is bringin' in more money

than your late ass.

Here's a tip, Vanilla, you're supposed to get the guys hard,

not beat 'em to a pulp.

[piercing whistle]

- Thank you, Bobby.

Jesus, this isn't gonna be easy.

Look, uh, this affects everybody, myself included.

I just got off the phone with a guy

who's been breathing down my neck for a long time.

Now, you know business has been really bad lately.

But it's never been good.

So, uh, I've made the tough decision.

I sign the papers tomorrow.

It's over, i sold the Titty.

- I can't believe what I'm hearin', Spider.

I mean, what kinda asshole's gonna run this place?

- Nobody, this whole place'll be

a parking lot by next week, Sugar.

- Guess I won't need a fake tan anymore

since we're all gonna be dancin' outside.

- Girl, what he means is you just lost your job.

- Spider, you can't, you can't do this.

I mean, I just started, I need the money

to pay for veterinary school.

- Oh cheer up, honey, those poor animals

are better off without you.

- Sugar, you are one icy bitch.

- I got every right! I'm unemployed.

- Look, Bambi, if you need anything,

a place to stay, you know, whatever,

I got you covered.

- Come to think of it, my ex-wife

has an aviary up in Topanga Canyon,

might be able to get ya a job.

You like birds?

- This sucks!

- Yeah, I know it sucks.

But look around here, ladies,

no butts in the seats means no cash.

We could close up tonight and no one would even notice.

It's an embarrassment.

- You're givin' this a shitty spin, Spider.

Are you sayin' these girls are no good?

- No, no, no, no, Sugar, no, heck no.

I mean, the Tough Titty has the best titties in the city.

- Grade A. A plus.

- I fucked up.

This neighborhood's gone to hell.

Nobody comes down here anymore, they're afraid.

I mean there's rioting out in the streets.

Have you turned on the news?

They're telling everybody to stay indoors.

- Well it's chaos out there.

- The streets aren't safe,

but I figured we could make the best of it.

You know?

So for old time's sake, and if you wanna leave,

and you're pissed, I understand, I won't try to stop you,

but I was just hopin' that we could all

settle in, kiss this place good bye.

No expense, let's just fuckin' party!

- You asked for it, Spider.

I'm gonna drink this Titty dry.

- How the hell am I supposed

to meet girls without a paycheck?

- Aw, bro, man, you aren't gonna land any chicks now,

and you work in a strip club.

- That'd be against policy!

I'm a professional, Bern.

That used to mean somethin'.

- Well there's no policy anymore, right?

- Jasmine!

That's the smartest thing you've ever said to me.

Ah, you're so right, and I'm still young.

I don't need 22 inch rims, I'm good.

I got some dough saved up.

I might be short a job, but tonight,

I'm gonna be the best damn customer

this place has ever seen.

How far will a thousand bucks get me?

- Like, to the dry cleaners.

- I think you deserve a little better than that, Marvin.

- Hey hey, I got a five spot.

- House wants some music.

Come on, Sugar, will you dance with me?

- Not on your life, baby.

- To the eruption room, ladies,

we have all the time in the world.

[rock music]

- It's fuckin' anarchy out there!

- Whoa whoa whoa, we're closed for the evening, sorry, guy.

- Private party, punk, you couldn't afford the company.

- Is that right?

- Consider it a down payment

on a new pair of crutches, street slime.

- Don't touch me, meat spit.

- Son of a.

- Whoa ho ho. Hold it!

This place has plenty of tits,

but where's the hospitality?

A bona fide paying customer strolls

into the midst of this tropical shithole,

and you try to turn him right around?

Folks are nuttier than the fucks outside.

- We got a dress code, buddy.

- Yeah, well I left my pasties at home.

But I got 16 large burnin' a hole in my pocket right now.

- Bullshit.

- True story!

So my band, Nancy Reagan's Vagina,

just played down the street,

and we're tearin' this place apart,

people start moshin', shit got crazy,

dudes started biting each other, oh man,

there was blood everywhere.

Total fuckin' chaos.

Security just beat it on outta there.

So I dropped my guitar and I made for the register.

Boozy motherfuckers spent a fortune in there.

- Uh, we don't accept dirty money.

- Shut the hell up, Marvin.

What can I do for you, kid?

- Look, I just need a place to lay low,

and a phone to call my friends,

let 'em know I'm here.

I'll make it worth your while, just trust me.

- Yeah, and why're you bringin' this shit

to our doorstep, junior?

- I don't know, I saw some foxy black chick

kickin' the shit outta two dudes out front.

Made my dick hard. [laughs]

- Gimme some of that money,

and I'll show you what hard really means.

- This night was supposed to be about us, Spider.

This punk's gonna puke on our party.

- Well, you know, I could just take

my investments elsewhere.

- Nope, that won't be necessary.

You just, uh, you cool your jets

and, uh, feel free to take advantage

of all of our facilities, all right?

- Sugar'll show you to a phone

and get you settled in.

- I'll do a lot more than that, Billy Idol. [laughs]

- All right, we're cookin.

Ladies, get ready to put on the show of the century

for Mister, uh.

- Spike.

- Spike.

- First you fire us, then you let that little poser

prance around here like he owns the place.

Spider, this is supposed to be my, our, night.

- Don't tell me how to run my titty bar, shit for brains.

You wanna save your jobs, right?

Well let's take this little chump for everything he's got.

Every buck, every cent.

16 grand!

I mean, half of that will put us back in business!

- But that money's stolen, man.

- You said it before yourself,

the cops don't come down here, we're golden.

- He's so dreamy.

- He's loaded.

- He's an asshole!

- Don't worry, Marvin, we can still party.

- I got a grand just for you, baby.

- Aww, you say, like, the sweetest things.

- Look, we get this guy loaded, show him a good time,

who knows how much cash he'll toss us.

- Come on, Spider, man, what are you smokin', dude?

He just said he robbed the other place.

- Right, he tries to pull any shit,

we'll rob him and toss his ass out on the sidewalk.

- This is gettin' real interesting.

- And what if he gets junk sick and tries bitin' all of us?

- I know I'm taking a chance, it's for your sake.

So, come on, you know, crank the music.

Ladies, get ready to shake it.

We're back in business.

- All right, man.

But I'm gonna need some chemical assistance, dude.

- Whatever it takes.

- Oh la la, you're in for a real treat.

I hope you saved room for dessert,

'cause here comes two scoops of chocolate ice cream

that'll make your banana split.

Trust me, buddy, you'll wanna put cream into this coffee.

Here she comes, Vanilla.

[surf music]

- Woo!

- Damn, boy, you pretty cocky.

You keep feedin' me that bread,

you might just get your rocks off.

- I always do. [laughs]

[police sirens wail]

- Maaaaahhh.

[blood spatters]

[sloshing footsteps]

- Make it two, Bobby.

- Two Dark 'N' Stormys.

- Back off the wagon again, eh, Spider?

Little stressed out?

- Am I crazy, Sugar? Is this crazy?

- Mmmm, the whole world's crazy, Spider.

You're just chasin' this cat's money.

I mean, it seems pretty sensible.

He's called the band, they're on their way.

Who knows how much loot they got?

- Yeah, but, but what if Bern's right?

What if this punk and his gutterball friends

try to rip us off?

Look at this guy.

- I don't think you have to worry about that, baby.

He's on the second fifth of whiskey,

and he doesn't seem to give a damn about money. [laughs]

He seems like he's got a lot of potential.

- Kids these days.

- Here ya go.

- We'll just fill his brain with tits and booze

and [laughs] you can empty his wallet.

- Yeah.

Even if we can't save the Titty,

you and me, maybe we could, uh,

take some cash, get outta town for a while.

- We know you've been stickin'

your neck out for us, Spider.

I'll think about it.

[metal door rattles]

- Busy night.

- The hell is it?

Where's Marvin?

[metal door crashes]

Hey! Keep it down! Hey!

Look ya crackheads, big cover tonight, okay?

Private events and just get out before I,

get out, before I have to throw ya out.

- Braaaaiiiiinsss.

- What?

Marvin!

Get your ass in here!

- I told you these guys don't leave here.

- Mmmmgggghhh.

- Somebody get him, will ya?

- Oh my!

- I'm workin', you bastard.

Jesus Christ.

- Whiskey.

- Braaaiins.

[Sugar screams]

[Sugar screams]

[crunching bones and flesh]

[Marvin screams]

[Spider shouts]

- Fucking this, he fuckin' bit me.

- Get these creeps out of here!

- He fuckin' bit me!

- Stop whinin'!

Bobby, get over here, we're throwin' these bums out.

Get your own bum.

I hate this goddamn neighborhood.

Freaks and greedy little punks.

We gotta call the cops right now.

- Spider, I told you somethin' was up.

My hand stings.

Stop it! Come on.

- Wooo, sex and violence,

you fuckin' weirdos are all right.

- Oh my God, baby.

Are you okay?

- Fuckin' guy bit me.

- Bobby, get on the horn, call 911.

This is insane.

- Whoa, whoa, man.

You call the pigs and I'll split with the cash.

- Don't leave, Spike.

You just got here.

- Come on, Spider, call the cops.

- Oh hell no, Spider, don't rain on this parade.

This is my biggest night all year.

- All right, think about it, baby,

a little bump in the road shouldn't stop anything.

I mean, we all need the money.

- Don't be such a pussy, man.

- All right! No cops.

- Come on, Spike, I wanna show you the eruption room.

It's really trippy.

- Killer, 'cause my drummer Rat's

on his way over with the crew,

and a vial full of lethal acid.

- Be careful of that stuff, man.

Hey! What do we have here?

Ha, far out, man.

- Punk asshole.

- Bern, get your butt back to the booth.

Bobby, clean this shit up.

- Wow.

- Nobody else gets in here!

[door clangs shut]

- You fellas aren't closed are ya?

- Actually we are, it's a private event.

- Dang it, I just saw three guys poundin' on the door.

Must be a heck of a party.

Sure I can't convince you to let me join in?

- Cover's 300 bucks.

- [laughs] That's no problem.

Company in here's certainly more charming

than it is out there.

There you are, my good man.

You may wanna have that looked at.

- What brings you to this side of town, big shot?

- You oughta see it.

They closed down the 405.

Somethin' crazy's goin' on.

So Richard here's cut off from the ole ball-and-chain,

what a shame.

So I thought I'd make do with some quick easy kicks.

- Oh, well we'll fix you up real nice.

- Take real good care of ya.

[laughs] Whatcha drinkin'?

- Dirty martini.

And maybe I'll warm myself up

with a nice cup of hot chocolate.

- Better watch it 'fore you wanna put one of

these Jimmy Choos up yo' ass.

- Oh, baby, is that a promise?

- Come on, let's go.

- This is crazy.

What was I thinkin'?

Marvin, watch the door, I gotta make a phone call.

- Spider, I really don't feel good.

- Oh my God, Marvin, baby, are you hurt?

- Of course I'm hurt!

Spider really fucked this up.

Gettin' bit, baby, let's just get outta here, okay, come on.

- Let's switch up the flavor.

Jasmine.

- Oops.

- Get your spots right down to the main stage.

- I'm sorry, Marvin. I gotta go.

- Wait. My dance.

- Come on!

- Veterinary school, huh?

- [gasps] I love animals!

- All right, buddy, loosen your necktie,

'cause it's about to get real, real hot in here.

Voted Miss Teen Reno 2004,

make those bills fly for our Silver State golden girl,

Jasmine.

- Hell yeah.

Shake.

[laughs greedily]

You want it, right?

Bring it here.

What a delightful, dirty little bitch you are.

- Thank you, baby.

- Why don't you freshen me up, grandma?

- Sure.

Creep.

- What I tell you about touching me?

- [laughs] I know I might seem pretty square to you,

pretty uptight, but don't let it fool ya,

you big big booby Julie, I got a wild side.

- Is that right?

- Yep, do you know what they used to call me

in my frat days?

- Oh shit.

- That's right, Ramboner!

[fake gun blasts]

[laughs]

- No service.

Well maybe it's for the best.

We'll make a couple grand tonight,

but what about the next night?

- Are you talkin' to yourself again, Spider?

- I think I'm makin' a mistake.

Listen, I should've closed out years ago.

I can't pass this deal up now.

- You're such an asshole, Spider.

Are you selling the place or aren't you?

Make up your goddamned mind!

- The world's gone haywire,

I can't think straight, Sugar.

- Don't say it.

- What would Hambo do?

- This isn't in the fucking script!

Charlie! Get these!

Don't bite that! [screams]

- That can't be a good sign.

- What the hell's goin' on?

[Hambo screaming]

- This deadly virus is spreading like wildfire.

As you can see, local police have been unable

to restore order to the parts of town

now roamed by what some people are labeling

as the walking dead. [screams]

- Holy shit, is this a joke?

- Whole city's gone to shit.

Sugar, come on, baby, let's just skip town,

right now, you and me.

- And leave the Titty?

And the girls? Spider.

[gun fires]

[gun fires]

- Get in there, boys!

[gun fires]

- Was that gun shots?

- Yeah, right there.

- Private event.

- Outta my way, worm stool.

Well, lookee here, boys.

The goddamn rapture transpiring outside,

and we find ourselves smack dab in the middle

of a tiki-themed titty bar.

I'll be.

- Beautiful in a sense, in a way.

- Yes, Rudy, it 'tis.

We have sinned, boys,

and now the Lord, in his infinite wisdom,

is seein' fit to it that we pay.

But not before he buys us a drink!

And a lap dance!

- Hell yeah!

- Yeah.

- And now, to silence the source

of that infernal racket.

- Who the hell are you?

- Who the hell am I?

I'm the man who just saved the day.

Red Wings is the name,

and this gentleman to my left is Rudy,

and this, well,

this here is Goon.

- Hell yeah.

- And you, sir, I presume, are the proprietor

of this here establishment.

- Yeah, I am,

and I advise you fellas to clear out before I call the cops.

- The cops.

- [laughs] You hear that, boys?

Why this poor, unfortunate cretin is oblivious

to the fact that we are currently livin' in end times.

There are no cops, there are no police, sir.

There are only demons roamin' the streets,

hungry for the flesh of sinners.

And your obnoxious music is attractin' them

from every crevice, crack, and cranny in this here city.

So if you would kindly turn it off?

We all might just survive.

- What the hell are you talking about?

Marvin, you let these assholes in my bar?

- We let ourselves in.

- All right, all right, cut the music, Bern.

[music screeches off]

- We heard shooting.

- This night just keeps gettin' better and better.

- Shit, man, I thought I was just baked.

Are we getting robbed?

- Watch out, 'cause this motherfucker is crazy.

- Why'd the music stop?

I'm not payin' out the ass so my dick can go limp.

I demand to speak to the management.

- New management, sir.

The Gravediggers are officially assuming control

of this here saloon.

- Like hell you are!

[gun cocks]

- He's got a gun!

- No shit, honey.

- Not another inch, sir.

[gun fires]

- Everybody just take a couple of deep breaths.

- So, it has come to this.

The proverbial Mexican standoff.

Here we are, boys, offerin'

our aid, comfort, and good will,

and what are met with?

Obstinate resistance.

I do declare,

we shall all be walkin' dead by sunrise.

- What is this?

What's everyone goin' on about a walking dead?

What the fuck is happening out there?

- Livin' corpses, this city is crawlin' with livin' corpses.

One bite, and you become a new recruit for Satan's army.

- Shit, so, all the freaks we've been encountering

this evening, they're diseased or?

- Well how did it spread so fast?

- Bitin', clawin', scratchin', fluid transmission.

- Just like every STD you ever had, Sugar.

- Biting?

Come on, baby, get up, Marvin.

Baby, let's go.

- Where do you tink you're goin' to, sweet pea?

- To give him one last lap dance.

It's the end of the world, right?

[door slams]

- Aw shit!

- Fuckin' finally, the band's here.

Man, you guys look wasted.

[zombies groan and growl]

[gun fires]

- You fuckin' crazy?

You just brained my bassist!

- You little perv!

Get back! All of ya, get back!

[gun fires]

- This is worse than Al-da-mon, man.

- You ain't fuckin' in my house.

- Blaaaraaach.

- I'm out!

[Sugar screams]

- Get him, Bobby!

[fleshy grinding]

[zombies growl]

- Get the fuck away from me, dude.

[Sugar grunts]

[fleshy, bloody thunks]

- Ain't gonna happen.

- Man, come on, man, mellow out, dude.

Just hit it, it's cool.

[chomping]

[Bern screams]

Ow, dude, come on.

[surf music]

- Oh God! Oh shit!

I can't die in a two-bit strip joint.

- You seemed pretty damn happy to be here

a minute ago, Ramboner.

- It's gonna be all right, baby.

I'll make it all better.

- Fuckin' burns.

I burn.

Oh Jesus! Fuck!

- It's okay, baby, everything's gonna be fine.

[Bambi screams]

- Get off her, man, she's mine.

You okay, baby?

- Spike, watch out!

- Oh hell yeah!

[Bambi screams]

[humans shout] [zombies groan]

[gun fires]

[Sugar screams]

- Sorry, darlin'.

[gun fires]

I just don't date girls with open lesions.

[Sugar screams]

[Spiders shouts]

- Spider.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Bobby's dead,

the thing just got his fuckin' brains!

- Has anyone been bitten?

- I don't know.

- This dude right here.

- Aw, Goon.

Is it the truth?

- Hell yeah.

- I'll get the first aid kit, in the dressing room.

[gun fires]

- That won't be necessary, miss.

Oh my dear boy, I will miss him so.

- Oh, man, that was brutal.

- Are you outta your mind?

- Heathen morons, did I not warn you?

Have I been wrong about anything yet?

Where do you suppose these accursed beasts come from?

Thin air?

They're you! They're me!

One single bite is all it takes!

- I just thought tonight would be my night, you know?

Ole Marv finally gets his wagon.

Oh, you're so hot.

Look at me, I'm fallin' apart.

- We'll get you an ambulance, baby.

- Ambulance! Nothin's comin'.

You heard that stuffy nerd out there.

The highways are closed.

Nothing's comin' to help me,

and everything's fucked.

- Well, Spider will think of something.

He always does.

- Screw Spider!

It's his fault we're in this mess,

I told him somethin' was wrong.

how many times did I tell him?

So many times, and did he listen to me, no!

And I work my ass off and I never complain,

not once, and what thanks do I get?

I get high speed super AIDS

from some whacked-out hobo.

I can't walk. [cries]

And I don't feel my junk.

- Jeez, well, I'm no paramedic...

but, maybe,

there's something I can do

to bring the feeling back.

- Arrrggghhhh.

- Puncture the brains.

That seems to hold 'em down.

[bloody thunk]

- There's one more hole in your head, son.

- Man, Puncture the Brain would've been

a sweet-ass band name.

Too bad my music crew's fucked.

- We're all clear.

- Yeah, there's no monsters,

but there's guts all over the place.

- Yeah there are.

- Spike!

- Oh, let's, uh, get you cleaned up, babe, come on.

- No time for clean up, kiddies.

- Look, man, you been spittin' all this religious junk,

well, we better get my girl in some sensible clothing.

- That boy don't look it,

but that's a reasonably responsible young man.

Hurry back, son.

- I think I have something really sensible

in the dressing room.

- The rest of ya, hop to.

We're in the open till we barricade those doors.

More could come at any

[heavy drumming music]

I thought that we had put an end to that cacophony.

- Turn off the music, Bern!

Where the hell is that goddamn pothead?

- Brains!

- Oh shit, man, look, Bryce, you're high as a kite.

This is no time to be tuning out.

- Spider, Spider, he's one of them!

[gun fires]

[gun fires]

- I'm out!

- Goddamn worthless vinyl.

Shit! [screams incoherently]

- This is your brain on drugs, motherfucker.

- Most ably done, miss.

- Girl's gotta know how to work her heels.

- Does anyone else wanna a drink?

- Now is not the time for libation, lady.

Grab what you can!

We must barricade those doors.

- Oh no, I'm not spendin' another minute

in this deathtrap, I gotta get outta here,

I got a wife and kids in Encino.

- Oh so now you care about your family.

- I'm with the suit.

I seen what you did to Goon, Red Wings,

and I can't hang with a man what kills his own road dog.

- This meth-head robot's right.

You people are nuts!

- Rudy, use your head, man.

I spared Goon a fate worse than death.

- You popped him in the head like a sick pup.

- Had I not, he would've roamed the earth

as one of these accursed hellions.

I delivered him unto the bosom of the Lord!

- I don't know about the bosom of the Lord,

but we're all safe here in the Titty

as long as we stick together.

Now come on, folks, we gotta build us a barricade.

- Do you think this was fate, Spike?

- Yeah, whatever, maybe.

- Baby, I don't know if it's just because

of the apocalypse or what, but I'm really turned on.

- You're a freak, just embrace it.

- Spike, if we make it out of this alive, let's get hitched.

I mean, we're so good together.

We could support each other.

I just know you can change the world with your music.

- Yeah, and you can take care of all the dead people's

little doggies, too.

But you gotta start with me first.

- I'm so lucky!

- Do you like that, baby?

- I can barely see.

I'm so stiff.

- That's right, talk dirty to me.

- Wow, it's beautiful.

- Aw, Marvin, you're the sweetest guy I ever danced for.

- Go in to the light, big guy.

I'm so close.

- It's okay, baby, you can come.

[Marvin wheezes]

Um, yeah.

- Last chance to stay, boys, you understand that?

Once you dipshits leave,

we're boardin' it up for good, right?

- I'll take my chance with the road.

- Well, I guess you can't deny a man that.

God speed, Rudy, you stupid bastard.

- Cut the crap, let's bolt!

- Y'all fools know you gonna die, right?

- You bitches will say anything

to keep a man in this nest long enough

to bleed his wallet dry.

Well not tonight, sweetheart.

- Oh no, please stay.

- Sorry, saggy, but I'm takin' my business elsewhere.

Let's do this, voice box.

- On the count of three, let us out.

One, two, three.

[Rudy screams electronically]

[zombies growl]

- Oh.

I changed my mind, I was just gettin' some fresh air's all.

Open the door!

Come on, you cocksuckers! Open the door!

Have a heart!

[zombie growls]

- No time to mourn the fools among us

while the razor's edge upon which the living walk,

is still so very tenuous.

- That's some poetic shit.

How'd you get the name Red Wings anyway?

- Well, my dear, in the motorcycle community,

in which I am somethin' of a member emeritus,

we reward one another for our sexual accomplishments.

In my days as a sinner,

I was quite accomplished.

- Oh please spare us the sex talk.

- You see, while most men do not deign

to please a woman durin' her monthly visitations--

- It means he's a bloodsucker.

- Damn, boy, you nasty!

- Indeed.

- Well let's not get distracted.

Keep pilin' it on.

- You really think this junk'll hold 'em?

- Shit, it better.

- We could use a few more hands on deck.

- Yeah, where the fuck is Marvin, useless bastard.

I'm gonna go shout him a new one.

- Spider, wait.

[metal door clangs]

[zombies growl]

- What if this whole thing was some kind of reality pilot?

And Ashton Kutcher or whatever bursts in?

We could totally be famous.

- Ahhhhhhhh.

- Yeah, wishful thinking.

- Uhhhhhh.

- It's just, like, it's so sad to be

this pretty and not on TV.

What's wrong with the world?

- Ehhhhhhhhhhh.

- You're right, it's totally unfair.

Oh my God, Marv, you're such a good listener.

- Aggghhhhh.

- I can't believe it took all this

for us to, like, get close, you know?

I see you watching me while I'm up on that pole, baby.

The way you hide your eyes, it's so sweet.

- Uggghhhh.

- You know,

since this world is ending

in this really crazy way, maybe I can go ahead

and ignore my third date rule.

- Uhhhhhhhhh.

- Ah, slow down there, cowboy.

First you have to say what you like best about me.

- Brrraaaaainnnns.

- Marvin, that's like the sweetest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

[Jasmine screams]

- That flimsy pile of furniture is not gonna hold.

- Not a chance.

- It's gonna buy us some time, but you're right,

we need to ditch the Titty.

- And risk the streets out there at night?

You saw what happened to those two.

- Then I am shit out of ideas.

- Look, I got a plan.

We reinforce the barricade best we can,

wrangle everyone together, gather supplies.

Soon as the sun is up, we just head right up the--

- What?What? What? What?

- Backdoor, Marvin never locked it, the useless bastard!

- Oh my God, you've got to be kiddin' me.

- Grab the deadliest weapon you can find.

- Deadliest weapon I can find,

this place is made of fucking palm fronds!

- Are you serious?

- 151 proof.

- Gotta hand it to you, Sugar,

even in times of crisis, you're fucking hilarious.

Let's roll.

[zombies squeal and groan]

What on earth is that?

- That's the dressing room.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh

- Fuck.

- Talk about wakin' the dead.

- That's not funny, Sugar.

Am I the only one who's aware of the situation around here?

- It's not what it looks like.

- Hell yeah it is.

- Jesus, you two jackrabbits, get your clothes on

and go help at the barricade.

Right fuckin' now!

Shit! Come on back this way.

[zombie growls]

Not you, too, Hambo.

- Ahhggghhhh.

- Kill it, kill it, kill it.

Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!

- I can't do it!

You really messed up this time, shithead!

I told you to lock that goddamned door!

Marvin?

You know what your problem is.

- Braaaaainnnns!

- Yeah you ain't got 'em.

- Open the goddamn door!

Open the fuckin' door!

Open the door, Spider!

Open the door!

[zombie growls]

- Looks that'd kill.

I admire that.

- Yeah, well I like man who knows how to work his wood.

- [laughs] Touche, my sweet.

- Sorry we're late for the party.

- Where the hell have you two been?

We were startin' to worry.

- We were, um--

- If I'm not mistaken, and I seldom am,

I do believe I detect

the pungent, earthy aroma of young love.

- Aw hell no, those ashy-skinned, brain-eatin' crackheads

out there are tryin' to get in,

and y'all back there gettin' it on?

I oughta whup

your ass. - Now hold on, my dear.

It is not uncommon during a crisis situation

for an individual to become thoroughly aroused.

After all, should we survive this cataclysm,

it will be our sacred duty to repopulate

this once great republic.

- What the hell are you talkin' about?

- I'm talkin about gettin it on,

as you so aptly put it.

- Spike and I are doing our part.

- Fuck that, I'm wrappin' it.

- Red Wings, you get us out of this mess alive,

and I will strip you down, grease you up,

and bang you 76 ways to Sunday.

And tie your boots, too.

- And, and tie my boots?

Why, even I've never heard of that one.

What's it mean?

- It means your boots are untied.

- How charmingly observant.

- Watch out!

[Red Wings screams]

- You whore!

- Always tryin' to upstage me.

I know you always wanted my Prada, bitch.

Well now you got it.

[blood squirting]

- You sure are on hell of a woman, sugar britches.

- Damn straight.

- You know what you must do now.

Deliver me unto the bosom of the Lord.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death--

[Vanilla grunts]

- See you in gangster's paradise, baby.

- I was gettin' tired of his religious crap anyway.

- Plug it, punk.

First decent man I met in this place,

and I gotta bash his head in, shit!

- This shit's fallin' apart.

- I'm so sorry, Vanilla.

- Save your sorrys, girl, we gotta find Spider, come on!

[barricade crashes]

[zombie groans]

- Well what are we gonna do now, Spider?

- I don't know, shit, I don't know!

- Well think of something!

- What would Hambo do?

- He would eat you, Spider, he would fucking eat you!

- Damn it, Sugar, you're right, you've always been right.

I got shitty taste, nobody goes for this tiki bullshit.

I've never even been to Hawaii,

I'm just a loser, baby, I've let us all down.

But you know, I did do one thing right.

the one thing in a million.

- What's that, baby?

- I hired you to dance here.

And I know that you don't like me much...

but, Sugar, I,

I.

[door splinters open]

[Sugar screams]

[zombie smacks and growls]

[Sugar screams]

- Spider! No!

[Sugarscreams]

[lighter clicks]

Fuck you, Hambo.

[zombie squeals]

[Sugar screams]

- Sugar, you still you?

- You better believe it, baby.

- Where's Spider?

- He's dead, no time for sob stories,

they're comin' in through the backdoor.

[zombies growl]

- That shitty barricade's wrecked, too.

- Well we're officially fucked.

- Not yet.

I've been a stripper for a few years,

and, believe it or not, I've learned a thing or two.

Stripper's golden rule, doesn't matter

whether or not you like the customer,

whether he's drunk, dead, or reminds you of your dad,

you give him all you've got.

Look, girls, we got a house packed full

of snarling assholes.

Let's knock their fucking heads off!

- That shit was beautiful.

- Well, we need some music.

- Put this on, babe, it's my single.

[zombies snarl]

- Braaains.

- Brains!

- Aw hell no, you are not goin' all Thriller on my ass.

- Yeehee!

- Who's bad now, motherfucker?

I hate LA.

[Bambi screams]

- What kind of MP3 player is this?

[Bambi screams]

- Motherfucker!

[Bambi screams]

- Spike! Spike!

Spike, help! Spike!

[Bambi screams]

Spike! Spike, help! Spike!

[Bambi screams]

- Grab hold!

[zombies growl]

[hardcore music]

- I hope you dickwad conformists like hardcore,

'cause we're Nancy Reagan's Vagina,

and you are fucked!

[bloody sploosh]

- This is how my boy's gonna handle these guys?

- I'm goin' climbin', dude.

- Spike!

Spike! Get off him!

- Don't look back, girl, we gotta move.

- They killed him!

- We don't have time to pick up the pieces.

Holy shit! Go, move!

- Braains.

- If you ain't tuickin' a buck, you shit outta luck.

- Jesus, they're everywhere.

- Dead surrounding.

Look, if I'm a die tonight, I wanna set the record straight.

Sugar, you ain't no sour peach,

you the baddest bitch in this bar, always have been.

- Honey, you're not gonna die tonight.

And this sour peach still has one more dance left in her.

- There's too many of 'em.

- You guys go, I'll distract the ugly bastards.

- Ain't no way through 'em.

Damn, girl, you good.

Come on, Bambi.

- We can't leave you here, too.

- Damn it, Bambi, quit stealin' my thunder

and get the hell off the stage!

My mom always said this job would be the death of me.

- Braaaains.

- But goddamn it if it ain't fun.

- Damn, bitch's G-string could be

in the stripper hall of fame.

Adios, Sugar, love ya, girl.

- Die, zombie motherfuckers!

[Bambi screams]

- Gimme that shoe.

[hardcore music]

- Red Wings.

- We just scored ourselves a ride outta this town.

- Hurry, hurry, hurry.

- Damn, girl, you know what you're doin'.

- Yeah, well, veterinary school ain't cheap.

- Please! No!

[Sugar screams]

- Gimme the keys, gimme the keys!

- Which one is it?

- I don't know, but I got a feelin'.

[zombies growl]

- Braaains.

- Are you sure you know how to ride one of these things?

- Girl, I've ridden all kinds of things

that'll make your head spin.

Hold on.

[motorcycle rumbles]

There goes the neighborhood.

[surf music]