All language subtitles for Fleabag - 01x03 - Episode 3.WEB-DL-NTb

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:24,812 Jogging. 2 00:00:25,140 --> 00:00:27,110 3 00:00:29,484 --> 00:00:32,923 I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's. 4 00:00:32,924 --> 00:00:35,083 A door opening, or suspicious dark? 5 00:00:35,084 --> 00:00:36,883 Door opening. 6 00:00:36,884 --> 00:00:38,283 Means you're getting Mum's bum. 7 00:00:38,284 --> 00:00:42,243 God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago. 8 00:00:42,244 --> 00:00:44,643 My farts used to be like, "Pah!" 9 00:00:44,644 --> 00:00:47,723 Now they're just sort of fighting their way out. 10 00:00:47,724 --> 00:00:49,924 I haven't farted in about three years. 11 00:00:55,524 --> 00:00:56,564 Happy birthday. 12 00:00:57,804 --> 00:00:59,884 - She won't eat it. - Thanks. 13 00:01:04,004 --> 00:01:09,883 So, it's a 7 pm arrival tonight for a 7.30 surprise, OK? 14 00:01:09,884 --> 00:01:11,083 Yeah, I got your e-mail. 15 00:01:11,084 --> 00:01:13,163 It's really a business birthday thing. 16 00:01:13,164 --> 00:01:16,443 It won't be much fun, so just don't expect a "party" party. 17 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:17,803 I won't. 18 00:01:17,804 --> 00:01:20,123 And maybe... 19 00:01:20,124 --> 00:01:21,643 just wear trousers. 20 00:01:21,644 --> 00:01:23,123 And don't drink too much. 21 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:25,563 There's this huge promotion in Finland, 22 00:01:25,564 --> 00:01:27,523 so this party is quite a serious... 23 00:01:27,524 --> 00:01:29,923 I mean, it's basically a business meeting. 24 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,843 Sounds like a blast. 25 00:01:31,844 --> 00:01:33,083 Can I bring a date? 26 00:01:33,084 --> 00:01:34,483 - Harry? - No. 27 00:01:34,484 --> 00:01:36,483 Who? 28 00:01:36,484 --> 00:01:37,644 Oh, I don't know yet. 29 00:01:40,964 --> 00:01:44,443 It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard. 30 00:01:44,444 --> 00:01:45,683 Why? 31 00:01:45,684 --> 00:01:47,924 Flaunting your life. 32 00:01:52,564 --> 00:01:54,284 God, I can't wait to be old. 33 00:01:55,684 --> 00:01:59,243 If it's any consolation, you look older than you are. 34 00:02:04,644 --> 00:02:06,249 Sorry, sorry. 35 00:02:07,284 --> 00:02:09,523 - Hello, Claire speaking. - Mum died three years ago. 36 00:02:09,524 --> 00:02:11,923 She had a double mastectomy but never really recovered. 37 00:02:11,924 --> 00:02:15,923 It was particularly hard, 'cos she had amazing boobs. 38 00:02:15,924 --> 00:02:17,683 She used to tell me I was lucky 39 00:02:17,684 --> 00:02:20,163 'cos mine would never get in the way. 40 00:02:20,164 --> 00:02:22,043 My sister's got whoppers, 41 00:02:22,044 --> 00:02:23,964 but she got all of Mum's good bits. 42 00:02:25,204 --> 00:02:26,963 What's Martin given you? 43 00:02:26,964 --> 00:02:29,083 A cursory stroke would be nice. 44 00:02:29,084 --> 00:02:31,123 What? No bang-bang? 45 00:02:31,124 --> 00:02:33,884 He says he's still got that thing on his... 46 00:02:35,564 --> 00:02:36,963 What? 47 00:02:36,964 --> 00:02:38,763 On his... 48 00:02:38,764 --> 00:02:40,163 Come on, you can do it. 49 00:02:40,164 --> 00:02:41,729 - I don't have to say... - Yes, you do. 50 00:02:41,754 --> 00:02:43,524 - No, not here. - Come on, little one. Come on, please. 51 00:02:43,549 --> 00:02:45,495 - No. Penis. - Thank you. 52 00:02:47,564 --> 00:02:51,524 He says he still has that thing on his penis. Sorry. 53 00:02:55,764 --> 00:02:57,963 Christ, look at that man. 54 00:02:57,964 --> 00:02:59,004 Tragic. 55 00:03:00,324 --> 00:03:01,963 Nah, he's a con. 56 00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:04,563 You can't call someone who is grieving a con. 57 00:03:04,564 --> 00:03:07,123 - That is shit grieving. - Look at him, he's properly grieving. 58 00:03:07,124 --> 00:03:09,684 No-one grieves like that unless they are in a film or from Italy. 59 00:03:09,685 --> 00:03:11,523 Who are you to pass judgment on his grief? 60 00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:14,563 Trust me, he's at a different grave every day, he can't get enough of it. 61 00:03:18,084 --> 00:03:19,443 What? 62 00:03:19,444 --> 00:03:20,844 You come here every day? 63 00:03:26,884 --> 00:03:29,403 Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing, 64 00:03:29,404 --> 00:03:33,243 and don't sing Happy Birthday, I couldn't bear it. 65 00:03:33,244 --> 00:03:34,324 I'm, erm... 66 00:03:35,764 --> 00:03:37,324 I'm actually looking forward to it. 67 00:03:40,164 --> 00:03:41,484 Hi, Harry, it's me. 68 00:03:42,644 --> 00:03:45,483 Listen, I know we're broken up, but it's Claire's birthday tonight 69 00:03:45,484 --> 00:03:46,724 and I thought that... 70 00:03:49,684 --> 00:03:51,643 I thought that maybe 71 00:03:51,644 --> 00:03:53,164 you'd like to come to her... 72 00:03:55,364 --> 00:03:56,404 ...birthday party. 73 00:03:57,524 --> 00:04:00,564 Anyway, give me a call, and I hope you're OK. Bye. 74 00:04:08,724 --> 00:04:10,124 I can't go out with a dog. 75 00:04:22,604 --> 00:04:25,683 My boyfriend before Harry used to make me send him pictures of 76 00:04:25,684 --> 00:04:27,323 my vagina wherever I was, 77 00:04:27,324 --> 00:04:28,963 ten or 11 times a day. 78 00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:31,164 One day when I was temping he asked me to... 79 00:04:31,224 --> 00:04:34,224 _ 80 00:04:37,888 --> 00:04:40,888 _ 81 00:04:47,336 --> 00:04:49,336 _ 82 00:04:53,405 --> 00:04:56,405 _ 83 00:05:06,844 --> 00:05:08,284 Time to throw the net out. 84 00:05:12,404 --> 00:05:14,123 I am in so much trouble. 85 00:05:14,124 --> 00:05:15,483 Jesus Christ. 86 00:05:15,484 --> 00:05:16,763 What am I going to get Claire? 87 00:05:16,764 --> 00:05:18,643 I am meant to get her the perfect present. 88 00:05:18,644 --> 00:05:20,883 - I am not drunk. - Always drunk. 89 00:05:20,884 --> 00:05:22,923 I am not drunk! 90 00:05:22,924 --> 00:05:25,123 Which is odd, 'cos Claire's so straight. 91 00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:26,283 Smack me in the face. 92 00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:27,803 - Really hard. - Really? 93 00:05:27,804 --> 00:05:29,883 Yeah. 94 00:05:29,884 --> 00:05:31,004 Oh, good. 95 00:05:33,524 --> 00:05:34,643 Fuck. 96 00:05:34,644 --> 00:05:37,643 I think you gave me a semi. 97 00:05:37,644 --> 00:05:40,763 Can I eat a water or a sandwich, or something? 98 00:05:40,764 --> 00:05:42,523 I mean, the man's got a problem. 99 00:05:42,524 --> 00:05:44,803 Speak to me. Speak to me. 100 00:05:44,804 --> 00:05:47,803 But no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get 101 00:05:47,804 --> 00:05:49,803 to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin. 102 00:05:49,804 --> 00:05:51,523 Chicken, are you chicken? No. 103 00:05:51,524 --> 00:05:54,963 He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate 104 00:05:54,964 --> 00:05:58,083 with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence 105 00:05:58,084 --> 00:05:59,963 because he was "just being fun". 106 00:05:59,964 --> 00:06:02,483 Honestly, you could tell him you're going to pop to the loo 107 00:06:02,484 --> 00:06:03,523 and he'll say... 108 00:06:03,524 --> 00:06:06,523 Yes, you pop to the loo, pull down your knickers, 109 00:06:06,524 --> 00:06:07,843 and then I will come in 110 00:06:07,844 --> 00:06:09,444 and fuck you. 111 00:06:14,444 --> 00:06:16,043 I mean, this place is ridiculous. 112 00:06:16,044 --> 00:06:17,883 Does anyone ever come here? 113 00:06:17,884 --> 00:06:20,283 I mean, it is creepy as fuck. 114 00:06:20,284 --> 00:06:21,843 Why don't you get her a guinea pig? 115 00:06:21,844 --> 00:06:23,723 It was a surprise hit here. 116 00:06:23,724 --> 00:06:26,243 What, you think she'd like a pig? Can I take this one? 117 00:06:26,244 --> 00:06:27,284 No, not that one. 118 00:06:28,644 --> 00:06:31,003 Christ, woman, there's something wrong with that one, 119 00:06:31,004 --> 00:06:33,003 it's got death in its eyes. 120 00:06:33,004 --> 00:06:35,163 Yeah, the vet says she's depressed. 121 00:06:36,724 --> 00:06:37,764 Aren't we all, girl? 122 00:06:39,004 --> 00:06:42,323 You know, guinea pigs can die of loneliness. 123 00:06:42,324 --> 00:06:43,364 Can they? 124 00:06:44,564 --> 00:06:45,643 - Hold her. - No. 125 00:06:45,644 --> 00:06:47,803 - She needs it. - No. 126 00:06:47,804 --> 00:06:48,844 Shh! 127 00:06:50,004 --> 00:06:51,163 I have an idea. 128 00:06:51,164 --> 00:06:54,683 He's sexually inappropriate and he eats raw sausages but no-one's 129 00:06:54,684 --> 00:06:57,843 made her laugh like he does, so I guess I have to give him that. 130 00:06:57,844 --> 00:07:00,483 Right, just put your... What are you doing? What are you doing? 131 00:07:00,484 --> 00:07:01,763 No. Stop it. 132 00:07:01,764 --> 00:07:03,323 No, no, no, there. 133 00:07:03,324 --> 00:07:04,924 There we go. 134 00:07:06,124 --> 00:07:07,244 I'm an innocent man. 135 00:07:08,404 --> 00:07:10,883 I bought her a necklace with her name on it, 136 00:07:10,884 --> 00:07:12,760 that she found and told me not to buy 137 00:07:12,785 --> 00:07:14,564 - OK. - I bought her a book 138 00:07:14,589 --> 00:07:16,323 - that she already has. - Mmmh. 139 00:07:16,348 --> 00:07:18,723 And, she says not to buy her any clothes 140 00:07:18,724 --> 00:07:20,723 because she probably won't wear them. 141 00:07:20,724 --> 00:07:22,164 She scares me! 142 00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:26,323 This sandwich is so good. 143 00:07:26,324 --> 00:07:27,443 Look, this is London. 144 00:07:27,444 --> 00:07:30,163 Just fuck off and buy something weird and expensive. 145 00:07:30,164 --> 00:07:32,843 No, no, it's got to be good, all right. Help me! 146 00:07:32,844 --> 00:07:34,043 Pay me and I'll help you. 147 00:07:34,044 --> 00:07:35,243 Fuck off. 148 00:07:35,244 --> 00:07:36,563 How much? 149 00:07:36,564 --> 00:07:37,683 £60. 150 00:07:37,684 --> 00:07:38,923 - 70. - Done. 151 00:07:38,924 --> 00:07:39,964 Yeah! 152 00:07:44,884 --> 00:07:46,204 I don't know who she is. 153 00:07:47,804 --> 00:07:49,683 Is she...? 154 00:07:49,684 --> 00:07:50,724 No. 155 00:07:52,524 --> 00:07:54,163 What about...? 156 00:07:54,164 --> 00:07:55,204 No! 157 00:07:57,404 --> 00:08:00,164 Just... get whoever you are. 158 00:08:01,284 --> 00:08:02,324 Who are you? 159 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:04,843 I don't know. 160 00:08:04,844 --> 00:08:06,244 I want to be that person. 161 00:08:07,484 --> 00:08:09,483 I have been that person. 162 00:08:09,484 --> 00:08:11,403 Ha. 163 00:08:11,404 --> 00:08:14,523 But most of the time I'm that person, like everyone else. 164 00:08:14,524 --> 00:08:16,923 They're good, right? Chic. 165 00:08:16,924 --> 00:08:19,243 Chic means boring - don't tell the French. 166 00:08:19,244 --> 00:08:20,843 What about these? 167 00:08:20,844 --> 00:08:22,204 No. God. 168 00:08:23,884 --> 00:08:28,084 Stop checking, all right, nobody loves you. Help me here. 169 00:08:30,484 --> 00:08:32,564 Who is this person? 170 00:08:33,604 --> 00:08:34,964 Fuck, no. 171 00:08:36,284 --> 00:08:37,883 This is perfect. 172 00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:40,203 Get her something she'd never get herself. 173 00:08:40,204 --> 00:08:41,283 Surprise her. 174 00:08:41,284 --> 00:08:42,763 She'll think I've gone nuts. 175 00:08:42,764 --> 00:08:45,443 No, she'll think you see her as this person, 176 00:08:45,444 --> 00:08:47,883 and everyone wants to be this person. 177 00:08:47,884 --> 00:08:49,243 I don't know, I... 178 00:08:49,244 --> 00:08:51,363 Aren't these for children? 179 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,404 No. 180 00:08:53,804 --> 00:08:57,364 Let's keep going. I saw some more stuff she'll hate over there. 181 00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:08,043 My neighbour 182 00:09:08,044 --> 00:09:09,523 is really fit. 183 00:09:09,524 --> 00:09:10,683 Which one? 184 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:13,123 - The fit one. - The one with the sexy big belly? 185 00:09:13,124 --> 00:09:16,884 No, no, he's the other neighbour. He's like, he's like, OK... 186 00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:21,043 I'm going to hold his face in my head so you can see him. 187 00:09:21,044 --> 00:09:22,084 OK. 188 00:09:26,804 --> 00:09:28,923 I'm not getting anything. 189 00:09:28,924 --> 00:09:30,163 Make your face his face. 190 00:09:30,164 --> 00:09:31,204 Yeah, OK. 191 00:09:34,804 --> 00:09:35,883 Is he mixed race? 192 00:09:35,884 --> 00:09:37,283 I'm getting mixed race. 193 00:09:37,284 --> 00:09:38,323 Yes! 194 00:09:39,724 --> 00:09:41,163 - That's him. - Go on. 195 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,843 No. 196 00:09:42,844 --> 00:09:44,044 OK. OK! 197 00:09:50,124 --> 00:09:51,363 Jesus. 198 00:09:51,364 --> 00:09:53,323 I'm really sorry, we're really high. 199 00:09:53,324 --> 00:09:55,484 We just really wanted to know what you look like. 200 00:09:57,324 --> 00:09:58,844 She thinks you're lovely. 201 00:10:08,684 --> 00:10:12,724 Oh, my God, look at my elegant feet. 202 00:10:19,164 --> 00:10:21,323 Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey. 203 00:10:21,324 --> 00:10:22,523 Hello! 204 00:10:22,524 --> 00:10:23,564 Hey. HEY! 205 00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:27,364 What's your problem? Who was that? 206 00:10:28,404 --> 00:10:30,283 Oh, no-one, it was... 207 00:10:30,284 --> 00:10:31,443 What? 208 00:10:31,444 --> 00:10:35,763 No, no-one. I just need to go and get a drink, or something. 209 00:10:35,764 --> 00:10:38,083 OK. 210 00:10:38,084 --> 00:10:39,443 Excellent. 211 00:10:39,444 --> 00:10:41,003 Can I go and get my shoes? 212 00:10:41,004 --> 00:10:42,804 Yeah. OK. 213 00:10:51,724 --> 00:10:53,724 Whoa. Easy, tiger. 214 00:10:56,684 --> 00:10:57,724 Coming from you? 215 00:10:59,404 --> 00:11:01,524 So, come on, who was that heartbreaker, hmm? 216 00:11:04,324 --> 00:11:05,484 He used to go out with Boo. 217 00:11:06,844 --> 00:11:09,244 Then he slept with someone else, and then she... 218 00:11:10,564 --> 00:11:12,124 Yeah, yeah, I know, OK. 219 00:11:13,164 --> 00:11:14,244 Fuck. 220 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:18,123 I've never really said how sorry I was. 221 00:11:18,124 --> 00:11:19,764 You should get the trainers. 222 00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:22,123 She'll say I don't know her. 223 00:11:22,124 --> 00:11:23,283 You don't. 224 00:11:23,284 --> 00:11:25,123 You're just as bad. 225 00:11:25,124 --> 00:11:26,643 It's never clear what she wants. 226 00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:29,083 I should just get her some perfume. 227 00:11:29,084 --> 00:11:32,163 Jesus, just fuck her, please, 228 00:11:32,164 --> 00:11:33,723 for the love of a good woman. 229 00:11:33,724 --> 00:11:35,323 Just wrap your willy up in a bow 230 00:11:35,324 --> 00:11:37,364 and just screw her, she's going insane. 231 00:11:41,324 --> 00:11:43,763 What is it? 232 00:11:43,764 --> 00:11:45,204 Are you having an affair? 233 00:11:49,284 --> 00:11:53,243 Think you're a clever little puss, don't you? 234 00:11:53,244 --> 00:11:55,323 A little marital poke isn't going to kill you. 235 00:11:55,324 --> 00:11:57,603 Would it kill her to take me out to dinner? 236 00:11:57,604 --> 00:11:59,363 You girls, Jesus. 237 00:11:59,364 --> 00:12:01,323 Anyone said that to her, they'd be hung. 238 00:12:01,324 --> 00:12:04,604 If they were hung, she probably wouldn't be complaining. 239 00:12:15,364 --> 00:12:17,604 Little advice from a married man. 240 00:12:19,604 --> 00:12:23,483 You should probably get yourself out there, sweetie. 241 00:12:23,484 --> 00:12:25,684 You're just tipping your prime. 242 00:12:31,644 --> 00:12:32,803 Another drink? 243 00:12:33,884 --> 00:12:35,883 Bingo. 244 00:12:35,884 --> 00:12:38,113 Excuse me, I have a date. 245 00:12:39,284 --> 00:12:41,597 Get the trainers. Shop closes in an hour. 246 00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,028 Oh, God. 247 00:12:46,053 --> 00:12:48,894 - I was not expecting to see you again. - Shut up. 248 00:12:48,919 --> 00:12:51,563 I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm chuffed to my boots, but... 249 00:12:51,564 --> 00:12:53,944 Oh, and thank you for the text, saucy. 250 00:12:55,324 --> 00:12:56,603 Oh, and sorry I'm late. 251 00:12:56,604 --> 00:12:58,243 Oh, no, it's fine, it was last-minute. 252 00:12:58,244 --> 00:13:00,483 - It's really nice to see... - No, no, I'm such a tool box. 253 00:13:00,484 --> 00:13:03,283 You know, I'd like to say I was trying to save a puppy, or something, 254 00:13:03,284 --> 00:13:05,539 but I just got my coat caught on someone else's coat outside the Tube. 255 00:13:05,564 --> 00:13:07,617 When we went to separate ourselves, it was fucking intense. 256 00:13:07,642 --> 00:13:10,445 I had to give him my coat. What are we doing? 257 00:13:10,470 --> 00:13:12,403 It's my sister's surprise birthday party. 258 00:13:12,404 --> 00:13:13,963 Oh, my God, I love surprises, go on. 259 00:13:13,964 --> 00:13:16,283 But I just thought... I need to get her a present first. 260 00:13:16,308 --> 00:13:17,818 Oh, my God, what are you going to get her? 261 00:13:17,843 --> 00:13:19,630 I know this beautiful soap shop. 262 00:13:19,655 --> 00:13:22,923 I mean, this stuff just gets you straight in the bath. 263 00:13:22,924 --> 00:13:24,724 Oh, I was thinking more like... 264 00:13:28,124 --> 00:13:31,163 Oh, yeah... these places all the time... 265 00:13:31,164 --> 00:13:32,484 So... Yup. 266 00:13:34,404 --> 00:13:36,763 - Are you OK? - Yeah. 267 00:13:36,764 --> 00:13:38,243 Sorry, I won't be long. 268 00:13:38,244 --> 00:13:39,804 Oh, no, no. 269 00:13:43,236 --> 00:13:44,354 Hi. 270 00:13:44,379 --> 00:13:45,723 - Hi. - Hi. 271 00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:48,363 Hey, what are you craving? 272 00:13:48,364 --> 00:13:50,843 Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill. 273 00:13:50,844 --> 00:13:53,773 - For you? - Oh, hello. 274 00:13:53,798 --> 00:13:55,603 No, it's for her sister. 275 00:13:55,604 --> 00:13:58,323 It's for my very sexually frustrated sister. 276 00:13:58,324 --> 00:13:59,923 Just a basic bunny would be great. 277 00:13:59,924 --> 00:14:03,763 OK, well, I'll see what I can dig out and you go browse. 278 00:14:03,764 --> 00:14:04,804 Thanks. 279 00:14:14,951 --> 00:14:16,163 Oh, I think you just... 280 00:14:16,164 --> 00:14:17,564 do it at the bottom. 281 00:14:21,524 --> 00:14:22,764 It's all in the twist. 282 00:14:31,764 --> 00:14:33,403 I know. 283 00:14:33,404 --> 00:14:34,963 You should totally get one of those. 284 00:14:34,964 --> 00:14:36,443 - A vagina? - Yeah. 285 00:14:36,444 --> 00:14:38,563 Oh, I've already got one. 286 00:14:38,564 --> 00:14:40,323 Really? You have... No... 287 00:14:40,324 --> 00:14:41,683 You've got one? 288 00:14:41,684 --> 00:14:43,643 I take it with me everywhere. 289 00:14:43,644 --> 00:14:46,403 You lie. You don't have one on you now? 290 00:14:46,404 --> 00:14:48,163 Yep. Never going to get it. 291 00:14:48,164 --> 00:14:49,483 Where? 292 00:14:49,484 --> 00:14:51,283 - Where's my vagina? - Yeah. 293 00:14:51,284 --> 00:14:52,964 - Where's my vagina? - Yeah. 294 00:14:54,364 --> 00:14:56,363 Ha, you got me. 295 00:14:56,364 --> 00:14:59,563 I don't carry a vagina around with me, 296 00:14:59,564 --> 00:15:01,644 that would be way too provocative. 297 00:15:03,244 --> 00:15:04,283 Didn't get it. 298 00:15:04,284 --> 00:15:06,683 OK, so this one's really great. 299 00:15:06,684 --> 00:15:09,603 It's half price because it's quite relentless. 300 00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:11,323 It's called the Burrower. 301 00:15:11,324 --> 00:15:14,723 Basically it doesn't stop until you've cum. 302 00:15:14,724 --> 00:15:15,764 Excuse me. 303 00:15:16,804 --> 00:15:20,083 Oh, don't worry about him, he'll be fine in a minute. 304 00:15:20,084 --> 00:15:23,083 Oh, my God, I love surprise parties. 305 00:15:23,084 --> 00:15:25,123 I love them, I love them, I love them. 306 00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:26,363 Will your parents be there? 307 00:15:26,364 --> 00:15:28,124 - My dad might be... - Oh, intense. 308 00:15:29,644 --> 00:15:30,684 Parents adore me. 309 00:15:31,844 --> 00:15:35,283 I want you to be totally in love with me by the end of the night. 310 00:15:35,284 --> 00:15:36,563 OK? 311 00:15:38,684 --> 00:15:41,043 Who's that? 312 00:15:41,068 --> 00:15:43,160 - Oh, it's my sister. - Oh, no! 313 00:15:43,185 --> 00:15:45,203 - We're going to ruin the surprise. - No, no... we... 314 00:15:45,204 --> 00:15:46,099 No, no, no. 315 00:15:46,123 --> 00:15:47,340 - No, really. - Get down. 316 00:15:47,365 --> 00:15:48,443 It will be fine. 317 00:15:48,444 --> 00:15:50,083 Surprise! 318 00:15:50,084 --> 00:15:52,523 Oh, my God, thank you so much. 319 00:15:52,524 --> 00:15:54,163 I'm so surprised. 320 00:15:54,164 --> 00:15:55,403 She's very good. 321 00:15:55,404 --> 00:15:58,523 How divine. What a lovely husband you have. 322 00:15:58,524 --> 00:15:59,644 Where is he then? 323 00:16:01,804 --> 00:16:03,803 Ah. Busy. 324 00:16:03,804 --> 00:16:05,283 I'm blown away. 325 00:16:05,284 --> 00:16:07,284 I had absolutely no idea. 326 00:16:09,004 --> 00:16:11,603 Hildegard, can I just grab you for a second? 327 00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:12,964 - Hello. - Hello. 328 00:16:14,284 --> 00:16:16,404 Oh, Dad, hi. 329 00:16:18,204 --> 00:16:21,883 Thank you for asking, yeah, I'm essentially a documentary maker. 330 00:16:21,884 --> 00:16:22,923 Docs. 331 00:16:24,364 --> 00:16:27,403 Oh, really? What is your latest project? 332 00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:30,803 Well, sir, I'm interested in life, 333 00:16:30,804 --> 00:16:36,123 and how it affects lots of people in all sorts of different ways. 334 00:16:36,124 --> 00:16:38,483 Yeah, it's awesome. 335 00:16:38,484 --> 00:16:41,483 - How did you meet? - I met her on a bus. 336 00:16:41,484 --> 00:16:43,163 So easy to pick up girls these days. 337 00:16:43,164 --> 00:16:46,363 I was, like, "Hi", and she was, like, "Take my number." 338 00:16:46,364 --> 00:16:48,123 I was, like, "Yeah." 339 00:16:48,124 --> 00:16:50,563 I'm just going to see if there are any other wines to try. 340 00:16:50,564 --> 00:16:55,203 It's lovely, I'm just going to see if there are some others. 341 00:16:55,204 --> 00:16:56,964 Excuse me. Can't resist. 342 00:17:01,404 --> 00:17:03,323 Did you find anything nicer? 343 00:17:03,324 --> 00:17:05,844 Oh, I was so sorry to hear about Harry. 344 00:17:06,884 --> 00:17:08,483 Lovely Harry. 345 00:17:08,484 --> 00:17:10,243 Love Harry. 346 00:17:10,244 --> 00:17:11,924 Exciting news about his new job. 347 00:17:13,524 --> 00:17:15,563 Yes, very exciting. 348 00:17:15,564 --> 00:17:18,524 I was so pleased that you'd found someone else so fast. 349 00:17:20,444 --> 00:17:24,243 I just can't stop conjuring an image of you sitting around that café, 350 00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:27,963 just all alone, feeling so terribly lonely. 351 00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:29,684 Just can't stop picturing it. 352 00:17:31,804 --> 00:17:34,363 I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely. 353 00:17:34,364 --> 00:17:37,403 Dad always taught me that. 354 00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:40,403 Did your father tell you that one of my pieces has gone missing? 355 00:17:40,404 --> 00:17:42,003 He did. 356 00:17:42,004 --> 00:17:44,163 That's awful, I'm so sorry. 357 00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:46,043 So sweet of you. 358 00:17:46,044 --> 00:17:47,523 Very sweet. 359 00:17:47,524 --> 00:17:49,043 May I cut in? 360 00:17:49,044 --> 00:17:50,603 Yes, of course. 361 00:17:50,604 --> 00:17:54,124 Do you know? You are the most perfect-looking pair. 362 00:17:57,284 --> 00:17:58,843 Such a great gang. 363 00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:00,803 Do you want some normal food? 364 00:18:00,804 --> 00:18:02,963 No, no. 365 00:18:02,964 --> 00:18:04,684 What I really want you to do... 366 00:18:05,724 --> 00:18:07,203 ...is this. 367 00:18:08,804 --> 00:18:10,683 Sorry, nothing happened. 368 00:18:10,684 --> 00:18:12,443 I was trying to be sexy. 369 00:18:12,444 --> 00:18:13,763 It was, it was really sexy. 370 00:18:13,764 --> 00:18:14,963 - Was it? - What broke? 371 00:18:14,964 --> 00:18:16,363 What broke? Show me. 372 00:18:16,364 --> 00:18:17,643 Nothing, I just slipped. 373 00:18:17,644 --> 00:18:19,723 Claire, this is my friend... 374 00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:21,243 Yes, yes, we've already met. 375 00:18:21,244 --> 00:18:22,284 My wife. 376 00:18:23,604 --> 00:18:25,443 My wife. 377 00:18:25,444 --> 00:18:26,604 My wife. 378 00:18:27,924 --> 00:18:32,084 All of your desires are wrapped up in here. 379 00:18:33,284 --> 00:18:35,003 OK. 380 00:18:35,004 --> 00:18:36,044 Open it. 381 00:18:39,964 --> 00:18:42,844 Well, gold has always... 382 00:18:46,604 --> 00:18:47,644 Wow. 383 00:18:49,964 --> 00:18:52,323 That's really rather wonderful. 384 00:18:52,324 --> 00:18:54,323 Thank you. What is it? 385 00:18:54,324 --> 00:18:56,203 Is it a paperweight, or...? 386 00:18:56,204 --> 00:18:57,684 It is a shrine to your body... 387 00:18:59,484 --> 00:19:00,924 ...because I love your body. 388 00:19:02,764 --> 00:19:05,003 - Thank you. - Wow. 389 00:19:05,004 --> 00:19:06,963 Wow. This is really... 390 00:19:06,964 --> 00:19:08,443 Can I... Can I see this? 391 00:19:08,444 --> 00:19:11,163 This is really quite something. 392 00:19:11,164 --> 00:19:14,003 Wow, I think it's probably a bit inappropriate for your guests 393 00:19:14,004 --> 00:19:16,723 to see your body at this... 394 00:19:16,724 --> 00:19:19,604 I'm just going to... Shall I put it somewhere safe? 395 00:19:40,124 --> 00:19:41,403 Smooth. 396 00:19:41,404 --> 00:19:43,284 I told you I'd find you a buyer. 397 00:19:47,764 --> 00:19:52,123 Your boy, he is hilarious, smart, funny... 398 00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:53,164 Fuck off. 399 00:19:54,764 --> 00:19:56,844 You'd fuck anything, wouldn't you? 400 00:19:58,764 --> 00:20:01,124 Just don't tell her you got the statue from me, OK? 401 00:20:02,524 --> 00:20:04,243 How much do you want for it? 402 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:06,364 Finger up the ass, nipple tickle...? 403 00:20:09,524 --> 00:20:11,404 Come on, lighten up. 404 00:20:15,084 --> 00:20:16,964 She's going to leave you one day. 405 00:20:21,164 --> 00:20:22,804 You looking forward to that? 406 00:20:41,524 --> 00:20:42,844 You're an asshole. 407 00:20:57,844 --> 00:20:58,884 Hey. 408 00:21:01,724 --> 00:21:03,604 Hey. 409 00:21:08,651 --> 00:21:10,490 I think you took my coat. 410 00:21:11,684 --> 00:21:13,763 I'm sorry, that's my coat. 411 00:21:13,764 --> 00:21:14,964 Sorry. 412 00:21:16,364 --> 00:21:18,243 Why you leaving so early? 413 00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:20,563 I have to give Hillary some Earl Grey. 414 00:21:20,564 --> 00:21:22,803 She's not feeling well, so... 415 00:21:22,804 --> 00:21:24,923 Oh, I got you this. 416 00:21:24,924 --> 00:21:26,844 Oh, I wasn't expecting anything. 417 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:35,084 It's called a Burrower - it basically won't stop until you cum. 418 00:21:36,084 --> 00:21:38,404 Sounds horrendous. Thank you. 419 00:21:40,204 --> 00:21:42,643 Good birthday business? 420 00:21:42,644 --> 00:21:44,523 Huge. 421 00:21:44,524 --> 00:21:48,203 You know, I don't want to jinx anything, but huge. 422 00:21:48,204 --> 00:21:50,483 Could be life-changing. 423 00:21:50,484 --> 00:21:51,564 Great. 424 00:21:52,764 --> 00:21:54,403 OK, happy birthday. 425 00:21:54,404 --> 00:21:55,444 Thanks. 426 00:21:56,924 --> 00:21:57,964 Are you OK? 427 00:21:58,964 --> 00:22:00,563 Yeah. 428 00:22:00,564 --> 00:22:01,684 Tell the truth. 429 00:22:04,804 --> 00:22:05,844 Are we leaving? 430 00:22:07,004 --> 00:22:08,924 - Yes. - Birthday girl... 431 00:22:10,244 --> 00:22:12,763 Awesome party, thank you so much. We had such a great night. 432 00:22:14,444 --> 00:22:15,764 What's that? Oh. 433 00:22:17,958 --> 00:22:19,153 Goodnight. 434 00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:20,999 - Goodnight. - Night. 435 00:22:30,684 --> 00:22:31,964 Shall we? 436 00:22:37,564 --> 00:22:39,643 Surprisingly bony. 437 00:22:39,644 --> 00:22:42,283 I'm nearly finished. I'm nearly finished. 438 00:22:42,284 --> 00:22:44,003 It's like having sex with a protractor. 439 00:22:44,004 --> 00:22:46,723 I'm finishing. I'm finishing. 440 00:22:46,724 --> 00:22:49,044 I'm done. I'm done. 441 00:22:50,044 --> 00:22:51,124 - I'm done. - OK. 442 00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:56,403 Yeah. Are you done? 443 00:22:56,404 --> 00:22:58,683 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 444 00:22:58,684 --> 00:23:00,342 Amazing. That was amazing. 445 00:23:00,367 --> 00:23:02,241 - Yeah, yeah. - That was amazing. 446 00:23:02,835 --> 00:23:04,046 Yeah. 447 00:23:04,724 --> 00:23:06,484 - That was amazing. - Yeah. 448 00:23:11,364 --> 00:23:13,003 For fuck's sake. 449 00:23:13,004 --> 00:23:14,044 What? 450 00:23:15,324 --> 00:23:18,883 OK, you don't go through life with teeth like these 451 00:23:18,884 --> 00:23:21,564 and not know when someone's pretending. 452 00:23:26,315 --> 00:23:27,526 What the fuck is that?! 453 00:23:27,550 --> 00:23:29,907 - I'll kick it! I'll kick it! - No, no. 454 00:23:29,932 --> 00:23:32,164 I'll kick it. What? 455 00:23:34,164 --> 00:23:36,283 Did we catch that, or is that yours? 456 00:23:36,284 --> 00:23:37,843 - That is a rat. - It's a guinea pig. 457 00:23:37,844 --> 00:23:38,964 That is a rat. 31076

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