Original subtitles

I think my period's coming.

OK.

Hi.

Are you all right? What's happened? Are you hurt?

- No. - Oh, good.

Nice haircut.

It's better.

Can I come in?

Why didn't you text?

Well, I just thought I'd pop by.

- Tell the truth. - I need to speak to Martin.

- Martin? - Martin. Martin!

Why on earth would you want to speak to...

- Martin? - Hello! Hello!

My wife in my study! Hello!

Give me two.

Gang bangs, Asian, I'd put a tenner on it.

Finished.

Well, hello, you.

She wants to talk to you about something.

Oh, well, it must be my lucky day.

You said she only likes to talk to people she fancies.

Ergh.

- Can you leave us? - Why?

He's organising your surprise birthday party.

A...

You know I hate sur...

OK.

I have a week to organise that now.

Best of luck.

Nice top.

Thanks. Do you deal in sculptures as well as paintings and papier mâché?

Depends on the quality of the piece.

Fuck me!

- What a pair! - I know, right?

Where d'you get this?

Oh, just a...

Stole it from a market.

It's quite a piece.

Who's the artist?

Just a...

...market artist.

If I sell it, I take 10%. Deal?

Deal.

OK, well,

I'll get her photographed now.

Don't tell Claire, please.

Or what?

Or I'll...

I'll...

You've got nothing on me, princess.

Or I'll tell her you were watching gang bangs.

Please don't do that again.

I wasn't, by the way.

Disappointing.

Erm...

Where did you get that?

I brought it with me.

No, you didn't. Give it back.

Tight.

Patch things up with Harry?

Yeah, we're, erm...

We're engaged, so...

God! What?

No, we're not engaged!

No, he's back at the flat packing up all his stuff again.

I'm sorry.

He really...

...used to make you laugh.

He also used to say things like...

You're not like other girls.

You can...

...keep up.

I like Harry.

I liked his songs.

I admire how much Harry commits to our break-ups.

I mean, this is a new detail,

but he does usually go the extra mile.

A few times, he's even cleaned the whole flat.

Like it's a crime scene.

I've considered timing a break-up

for when the flat needs a bit of a going over.

I don't think this is working.

What?

But he always leaves...

...him

to come back for.

Got to think about all the people I can have sex with now.

I'm not obsessed with sex,

I just can't stop thinking about it.

The performance of it.

The awkwardness of it.

The drama of it.

The moment you realise someone wants

your body.

Not so much the feeling of it.

Probably got about 48 hours before Harry comes back.

I should get on it.

I took half an hour trying to look nice

and I ended up looking amazing.

Just one of those days.

Gorgeous, fresh-faced, new top, little bit sexy,

on my way to open my café and...

Oh, God.

Yeah, you check me out, chub-chub,

because it's never gonna happen.

Oh, God, he can't believe how attractive I am.

Kind of worried I'm going to make a sex offender out of the poor guy.

Here we go. This better be good. Here we go.

Hooker slag.

Oi!

Dropped my cucumber.

Just dropped my...

Erm... Could I get a cheese sandwich to go, please?

Sure.

That'll be, er, £12.55, please.

London, eh?

Thanks.

Where do I recognise her? Is she famous?

Boo's death hit the papers.

Local café girl gets hit by bike

and a car

and another bike.

Er, no. She, er... She used to work here.

I'm sorry, I don't have any change.

The next man who walks in here is getting ridden to death.

- Dad! - Hi.

Not ideal.

Erm...

How are you, eh,

darling? Erm...

You busy?

A bit.

Well, I won't keep you, er...

I just wanted to talk about, er, you know, when you...

When you dropped in the other night.

- OK. - I can't help thinking that I...

- We, er... - Yeah?

I know that we, er...

...don't have much of a chance to, er...

Did you take the sculpture?

Did you, erm...

...take the sculpture?

Did you take it?

No.

What sculpture?

Oh, right, fine, good.

Good, you said no and...

...that means I can go.

All right, great.

Are you ha... Are you healthy?

Hey. Do you do, like, hot organic-y food?

Of course.

What would you like?

- Erm... Like, risotto. - Yeah.

Sure. Grab a seat.

Hey.

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

It's nice to see you.

You, too.

Fucked me up the arse.

What are you getting?

Oh, just these. For my...

...tiny, bleeding vagina.

Hot.

- You? - Stock cubes.

Hot.

I hope it's a light flow.

Oh, it never is.

It never...

...is.

Listen, er,

you around later?

Er...

Yes, fucking yes, please, yes.

Yes.

Cool.

Cool.

Yes!

I'm so happy with my body now.

I don't have to define myself by how I look

because I've just got a fucking great body.

- Yeah, I can do other stuff now! - That's so great!

Mike wants to start trying for a baby.

- OK. - No...

I can't blow this body on a baby, Steph.

I'm going to have to leave him.

Oh, shit. Oh.

That is not hygienic.

- Sorry. - Oh, gross.

We're leaving now.

I suppose you should meet Hillary.

Two years ago, I...

OK. The most important thing is, if you don't like it,

- we can't take it back, OK? - OK.

Happy birthday.

I'm sorry, I panicked.

As long as I can wear it or eat it, I'm happy.

You can do both of those things.

Oh, my God, did you get me a...

- What is this? - I...

- What the... What is... - I don't know.

- What is it? - Something to love.

She's beautiful!

You idiot!

Escape artist.

I don't feel anything about guinea pigs,

they're pointless,

but Boo took Hillary very seriously as a gift

and, soon, everything became guinea pig-related.

This is an excellent one.

Drink?

Look, I'm, er, sorry about the mess.

- No problem. - Do you want some prosciutto with that?

So reliable.

Utterly inaccessible.

Relentlessly profound.

All he wants is to get you in the bath and ask questions like...

What are you afraid of?

And you find yourself saying things like...

I guess...

...losing the currency of youth.

Ask me a question.

When did you realise you were so good looking?

I knew I was different when I was about nine,

but shit got real around 11.

Shit got real?

You know...

Aunts got weird.

I have another question.

OK.

Do you ever feel lonely?

Yeah.

Of course.

Do you?

Never.

Do you want some pineapple?

Yeah.

God, yeah!

Oh, they're so small!

They are so small!

- What? - They're so small!

- So... - Small!

God, they are so fucking tiny!

Yeah, I guess they're...

Oh, God, they're hardly even there! I mean, what the fuck even are they?

Bit much.

Excuse me!

Oh, yeah!

I'm having a Harry panic.

Madame Ovary's telling me to run back to safe place,

I can make baby in safe place,

but you've got to ride it out.

Mustn't call Ha...

Thanks for coming.

That's OK.

Are you OK?

Your message sounded urgent.

Were you busy?

- No, I was in the interval... - Oh, cool.

- ...of Cats. - OK.

- The musical. - Was it good?

Really good, actually.

Really good.

- Sorry for interrupting. - No, that's OK.

I, er... I got the feeling it wasn't going to end well for the cats,

so probably good to remember them like that before they all...

Sorry. Erm...

Are you OK?

Who were you with?

A work friend.

A girl.

I, erm...

I found this.

Thanks.

I didn't realise I'd left it.

Why's your hair wet?

Don't look at me like that.

Like what? Like what?

Look, I don't want to sound cold or cruel or... You know...

And I don't want to think I'm just off happy at the theatre

all the time, either, I'm not,

but...

I'm not going to... I just...

If this is about us getting back together, I was serious,

this time I'm not just going to come running back.

I really just need some time away from...

I'm so glad you called.

I'm so glad you picked up.

I've missed you.

I've missed you.

Oh, my gosh, you feel good.

I wish he'd just fuck me.

All he wants to do is make love.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm really good. I'm amazing.

He's wasting me.

I was once fucking this guy who would breathe on every thrust...

You're so young!

You're so young!

I masturbate about that all the time.

I masturbate a lot these days.

Especially when I'm bored.

Or angry.

Or upset.

Can we just...

Or happy.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah.

Amazing.

- Shall I? - No, could you just...

Just stay there.

No, don't. Just...

Yeah. Sh, sh! Ah!

Yeah.

Yes. Just...

Ah, just...

Ah, God.

Look, I think we should stop masturbating.

And don't say anything yet, I just...

I just think it might help us focus on each other.

You know, be more present.

Really successful couples do it.

Erm...

I've hidden our vibrators.

Our?

I thought it might be fun.

To find them?

No, just to try and not...

...touch ourselves, to try and...

...save our touches...

...for each other. I mean, what do you think?

Well, I think you're being really sexy.

- Don't! - Oh! I'm joking.

I never masturbate.

I don't know how.

Yeah, also, I thought we should try and surprise each other

once every day, just a, you know...

A sweet little something, just to keep it...

- You know? - Are you getting this out of a book?

I've already planned your first surprise, so...

Don't eat too much before dinner.

See you later.

And I will see you later, too.

Hi.

Just thought I'd pop by for some lunch.

Bit weird.

Yes, well...

How are you?

Quiet day?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You OK? You look stressed.

Well, I'm successful, so...

Do you have rye bread?

No, but I have some normal bread you can puke up after.

Great.

What do you want on it?

Oh, just tomatoes is fine.

Just tomatoes?

Just a tomato sandwich?

Yes. Is there a problem?

No.

Listen, I don't want to know anything about this surprise party,

but, if you could just, erm,

have it at mine this Friday at 7:30, that'd be great.

I can organise it and act surprised

but, if you could just, erm...

Do you know what, why don't I just do it?

I can organise it, do the food, act surprised,

and just take it off your hands.

I mean, I can see that you're busy, so...

OK, if you want.

Well, I don't want to, but I think it would be easier for everyone

- if I could just... - OK.

I mean, I've done it, it's done.

It's this Friday at 7:30 at mine.

Great.

How behind are you?

If it's money that you need...

I don't need money.

That'll be £25, please.

London...

Thanks.

Can't believe that thing's still alive.

Oh, any news on Harry?

Yeah, we're back together.

Oh, God, I can't keep up.

Hello!

Harry?

Shit.

Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise.

- Surprise! - Argh!

Argh!

It's me! It's me! It's me!

Why would you do that? I thought I was going to get raped!

I'm sorry! Baby, I'm sorry! I thought you wanted a surprise!

It was a ninja surprise!

Oh, my God, my heart!

I'm shaking so much! Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Oh!

Oh, my God!

OK. It's OK. Are you OK?

Oh, my God.

Did you have a good day?

I did, yeah. Fine, thanks. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't think you were going to react like that.

I'm...

I'm sorry, it was a joke.

It was a good joke.

Jesus.

I thought you'd be later.

- Argh! - Oh, my God!

Oh, God, sorry! I just had to get that out!

I'm still in shock! I'm still shaking!

That was horrible.

It was a surprise.

I know.

Thank you.

It's fine.

Shall I go and get us some wine?

OK.

I know what you look like!

I know what you took!

That is the last time!

Splashed out on a special bottle for a special...

Harry?

I had to go into the history on my computer

to find something I'd seen on the H&M website this morning and...

I don't want to point fingers but...

...anal, gang bang,

mature, big cock,

small tits, hentai,

Asian, teen,

MILF, big butts,

lesbian, gay,

facial, fetish,

bukake, young and old,

swallow, rough, voyeur

and public.

Why are you being so sexy?

Don't make me hate you.

Loving you's painful enough.

OK, sorry...

...but I really think you should write that down.

I know it's not appropriate but I really think you should write that down.

- It's really good... - I'm not going to write down...

No, I'm serious! For your songs and stuff.

It's perfect! It's poetic yet real.

Serious.

Don't...

...make me...

- Hate you. - Yeah, I know, thank you.

Loving you is painful...

What am I doing?

Look, there's someone at work who loves me.

Well, she told me she loves me and I said we couldn't be together

because I had to know.

Do you want to be alone?

You will never see me again.

I'll always love you but I just can't take it any more.

I don't hate you, I'm scared for you.

He's going to write that down.

Don't hate you...

Scared...

I'm going to go pack my things up from the bedroom again, but, erm...

I'm... I'm not going to clean.

It's still in pretty good shape, so...

If I don't see you after that,

goodbye.

Forever.

He'll be back.