All language subtitles for Bewitched.2005.REPACK.PROPER.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-monkee.mkv

-It's perfect.
-Oh great!

-I'll take it!
-Oh, wonderful! It's just...
There's one thing.

-I'm going to need
some references.
-I don't have any of those.

Oh dear. That's serious.
I don't know that we can
do business together.

if you don't have references.

Bye, now!

-Daddy...
-What's going on, Isabel?

(SIGHS)
I'm moving here.

To the Valley?
Why on earth
would you do that?

Because it's normal.

-You're normal. You're just...
-I know. But I'm not going to
be one anymore.

You have no choice
in the matter.
It's what you are.

Orange is a great color.
Orange is happy.

Happy?
Why don't we just
paint it yellow?

We can't paint it yellow.
We're going to
paint the bathroom yellow.

Since when are we
painting the bathroom yellow?

-They're arguing about paint.
-Yes, I can see that.

-I want to argue about paint.
-With whom?

-With someone.
-A man?

-Yes!
-Oh Isabel...

I'm through with warlocks.
They're all just like you.

Even when you and Mother were
married, you were always
casting spells on other women.

Your life is total
instant gratification, Daddy.

-It's fantastic, isn't it?
-No, no it's not, because
how do you know that

anyone really loves you
for yourself?

It's like those rich men who
are never really sure
why women sleep with them.

But women sleep with them,
so it's not really a problem.

-I want a man who needs me.
-Needs you?

-Mm hmm. Because he is a
completely hopeless mess.

Oh, no. You're talking
about love, aren't you?

-What do you suppose
it's like?

Oh, it's simple. You say,
"I love you" to someone you
want to go home with.

And then when things
get messy, you say,
"I don't love you anymore."

-And that's pretty much it.
-I feel as if I'm pressed
against a glass window.

It's right there on the other
side. I can see it,
but I can't feel it.

I can't touch it.

-Does your mother know
about this?
-She disappeared again.

CASHIER: $420.56.
-Money. Money.

That was my last thing
as a witch.

I want to be like everyone
else. I want to have friends
and I want to...

And I want to go to the Coffee
Bean, where we all discuss our
problems,

which are absolutely
unsolvable.

You can have anything you
want. Every woman
wants to be a witch.

I don't. I want to feel
thwarted. I want days where my
hair is affected by weather.

-Yeah, hi, what can I get you?
-Scrambled eggs, please.

I am through with just
snapping my fingers
and getting my way.

-No breakfast after 11.
-Oh.
My absolutely last thing.

Don't do this. You'll meet
someone, you'll get this close
and when he finds out about...

If he loves me,
he won't care.

I'm going to get an umbrella.

-Go on. Get yourself one.
-No, Daddy. No. I mean it.
No. Never again.

-You'll get wet.
-I hope so.

I know what you're
going to say.
I'm a mess.

-Get a grip, Jack.
Get a grip.
-I can't help it.

-Hey, how do I look?
-You look great.

-I look great?
-Yeah!

I always look great.
That's a given.
And the important thing is...

-What?
-I have no idea what the
important thing is.

I'm telling you, I feel like
I'm about to
go out of my mind.

You know, I want my life back.
Okay? I want my wife
and my house.

I want to be a movie star
again. I mean, what the
hell happened, Richie?

Things were going so great
there for a while.

-Last Year in Katmandu
-Oh don't bring it up.

It cost $140 mill to make and
grossed 1.6 - the only DVD
to sell no copies.

We probably shouldn't have
shot it in black-and-white.

But now you're going to do
a television series and it's
going to be a big hit.

So pull yourself together,
man, because you look like
Don Johnson,

but in a bad way.

-Ok, I got it,
I'll pull myself together.
-Ok? Let's go.

-And don't get all nice on me.
Be mean.
-Going to be mean.

OK?
Be mean. Be mean.
Hit me.

There you go. You're the
Jackerator, baby.
Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

-Yo, gentlemen.
How are you? Oh!
-Hey, hello!

-Jack Wyatt
-Hi, I'm Jack.

-Huge fan, huge.
-How are the kids, guys?

-Good.
-Great!

-Good. Good. Well, let's cut
the chitchat.
-I'm Jack, by the way.

-Nina.
-Jack wants to do the show.

-That's great.
-I want to do it.

-Great. That's terrific.
-He only has one concern.

We have the same concern.
We think everyone's forgotten
about Last Year in Katmandu.

-Unless they saw it.
-His concern is, the witch has
all the fun.

-You will be fun.
-We're changing it
from the original.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't all go crazy.
Okay? I mean, it is Bewitched.

I mean, Samantha, she should
be strong, right?
This should be a two-hander.

-Yeah.
-Oh, my God. Huh?
Hey. What a relief.

I was worried because Larry
told me you'd want us to tilt
the entire show towards you...

-No, no, no.
-Stu, Stu.

We've got to have a great
ensemble is what I'm thinking.
You know?

Endora, the next-door
neighbors, all those
crazy family members.

Who's going to play Uncle
Arthur? Huh?
I used to love Uncle Arthur.

Well, we're looking for
Uncle Arthur.

-Your table's ready.
-Thank you.

I don't know if you guys
remember this, but when he'd
appear in the mirror

it would crack,
it would always crack.
And you knew it was coming,

and yet, every time it
happened, I laughed
and I laughed and I laughed.

-Can I talk to you
for a second?
-I loved it!

-Can I talk to you?
-"Hiya, Sammy."

One second, fellows.
We'll meet you guys
at the table, all right?

-Hey, I like those guys.
What?
-You're being a pussy.

-What?
-You're being a pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy!

-No, I'm not!
I want the show to be good.
-You want the show to be...?

You know what, Jack Wyatt's
doing TV now because
his film career ate it!

And he's not even the clear
star of his own show.
Jack, screw Uncle Arthur.

-Hell, screw ensembles, man.
-I'm being a pussy.

Yes. If this show tanks,
you'll be the bottom right
square on Hollywood Squares

for the next 10 years.
You will also be the mayor
of Pussytown. You read me?

I don't want to be the mayor
of Pussytown.

No, get in there and be
the sheriff of Ballsville,
all right?

-Ok.
-Bring it! Let's go!

-Stop that.
-Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry, guys, where were we?

A couple of big names
are available for Samantha.

-To hell with that.
-Yeah.

I want an unknown in the lead.
All right? A hot new face
that's going to

look good and set me up.
Because I have worked
my ass off to the bone

for too long to build up
the brand value
of the name Jack Wyatt!

-This show has one star.
-And I want three trailers.

-Nobody in television
has three trailers.
-He wants them, you get them.

And I want my own personal
makeup team
in matching jumpsuits.

And a leopard! I want a pet
leopard. With a diamond-
studded collar. Real diamonds.

-That's enough, Jack.
-And a cake.
A two-story-high cake.

Every Wednesday's Cake Day.

And we're going to bring it
out and we're going to
pretend it's a surprise,

because it's Cake Day.
-We get it, Jack.

If we have a leopard, we're
going to have major
insurance issues.

-Well, we're willing to give
on the leopard.
-It's getting hard to breathe.

-Should I be
writing this down?
-No.

So this should be fun.
Huh? Right?

Gosh, I used to have
the biggest crush on
Elizabeth Montgomery

when I was 10 years old.
-We all did.

The nose! I mean...

It's not going to be easy
finding a nobody
to play Samantha.

Be the sheriff.

Well, Jack Wyatt says
get it done, y'all.

Hey! I'm turning on
the sprinklers
in my front yard!

Dimming up...

Dimming down...

Dimming up...

Dimming down...

Wow!

I don't think you quite
understand.
This is very confusing.

I put the black cable in the
red plug like they said
and the screen is still blue.

(DOORBELL)
I'm here to give you cable.

Oh, thank you,
I already have some.

Hello? Don't go away, please.

Oh, to heck with
all this bunk!

There.

Hmm. Let's just keep this
between us, Lucinda.

Is your self-esteem low
because you aren't

participating in
the real world?

-Yes, my self-esteem
is very low.

Well, let's face it,
you need a job.

There's something I
have to tell you, Darrin.

I'm a witch.

I'm a witch.

I am a witch.

Good.
Good.

Oh my goodness.

(SNEEZES)
God bless you.

Don't look, but
Jack Wyatt is
staring at you.

My heart's pounding,
and I am feeling
very weird tingles.

-I know.
He makes me sick, too.
-You know him?

Jack Wyatt, the actor?
Huh.
Where have you been?

-May I join you?
-Uh, sure!

-Hi, I'm Jack Wyatt.
-I know.

Thank you.
Look, I've never done this
before.

-How would you like to be
on a television show? Miss...
-Bigelow.

-Bigelow?
-Mm hmm.

-Isabel Bigelow.
-Oh.

So what do you think?
Do you want to want to be
a famous actress?

-Me? An actress?
-Yeah.

-I can't act.
-Oh, anyone can act. If I
can act, you can act.

Amen.

You know, I think those people
over there just finished their
plate of hummus.

You might want to help them
by clearing it.
Thank you.

-So, Isabel Bigelow.
Do you have a job?
-No.

-Are you rich? Because I am.
(LAUGHS)
I'm extremely wealthy.

Which I'm about to prove
to you by taking care of this
bill for

two dollars and 31 cents.

-Wow!
-Yeah. Wow is right.

-I have to remember to get
some money.
-Yeah.

So, do you want to be
rich and famous?

-I just want to be normal.
-Well, acting is
better than normal.

You get to pretend to be
normal. And if you're good,
you become a big star

and guess what happens?
-What?

You snap your fingers and
pretty much anything you want
materializes

Oh no. No no no no. No.
I have that now.
It's what I'm giving up.

Oh, um, it was
lovely to meet you.

You seem very sweet and
unkempt and
troubled.

Hey! Hey hey hey hey.
Those are bad things to say
to a person.

Oh no they aren't. I think the
fact that you're a hopeless
mess is very refreshing.

It moves me.

-Isabel Bigelow.
-Yes?

-I need you.
-What did you say?

-I said I need you.
-You need me.

I need you.
You don't have to
come audition.

Just come and show everyone
what you look like
when you do it.

Like this?

-Uncanny.
-It's identical.

I told you.

(APPLAUSE)

(MORE APPLAUSE)

We would just like you to
read the script. Start on page
13, should be marked there.

-Read it?
-Mm hmm.

-Okay, out loud.
-Yeah, we just want to get an
idea what it could sound like.

-Uh, int honeymoon suite
night, uh, dash night
-That one's not too bright.

Just, uh, just read the
part that says "Samantha."

Um,
"Darrin, I know it's our
honeymoon but there's

"something I have to tell you.
I'm a witch."
I'm not a witch!

-Yeah, exactly.
No, you're giving it up.
-Who told you?

You're about to,
on the next page.

It's Bewitched, the TV show?
We're redoing it.

Oh, I wasn't allowed to watch
Bewitched. I...

(LAUGHING) Who wasn't allowed
to watch Bewitched?
-That's great, Jack!

That's great. Well, I play a
mortal, and I'm in love
with you, and I don't care

that you're a witch.

-You don't care? No?
Is that true?
-Yes, it is. Yeah.

Now go ahead and
read the lines.

I'll read with you, actually.
We'll do it together.
Randall, where are you?

-Yes, thank you.
This will be easy.
-Mm hmm.

-Here?
-Yeah.

"I'm a witch, Darrin. A real
house-haunting,
broomstick-flying,

"cauldron-stirring witch!"

Great. Ok.
You know what, let's
put the script down,

let's put it away and
we'll improvise.

-Jack? That was only one line.
-Mm. Not a big deal.
Go ahead, just set it down.

Randall...

Now, I'm going to ask you
questions, and you just answer
them as if you're a witch.

-Sure.
-Yeah. Uh, were your parents
in the witch business?

-Both of them.
My mother fixed
the 1986 World Series.

-Funny!
-Um, make a note of that.

Do you carry around poison
apples, like in Snow White?

-Oh no, you have to have a
permit for a poison apple.
-Permit? Ok, good to know.

That's good.

Um, oh - what's it like to
date a warlock?

Oh, horrible! They're so
self-centered, not very
bright, and all that

"feel-good-in-the-moment," you
know? Not at all like you.
(GENERAL LAUGHTER)

-What's so funny?
-Nothing, J-Bone.

-Oh, what's your
favorite spell?

Oh no, I don't like to talk
about that because I'm
quitting, and...

No, talking about it
just makes it harder, so...

-Great.
-Are you sure you never saw
Bewitched?

-She's incredibly dialed-in.
-Can I ask a question?

-Sure.
-How much longer do we
have to do this for?

Oh, this? We're almost done
with this. I mean, if you do
the show,

we'll be together forever.

-You and I?
-Would you please do the show,
Isabel?

-What, this show?
-This show.

-The Bewitched show?
-Absolutely. We'll be working
together. We'll be partners.

-Be my TV wife.
-This is very complicated.

-Marry me.
Say yes!
-What are you doing, Isabel?

-Easy answer!
-Yes.

Yes!
Great, thank you!

Ok, let's make the deal.

Once upon a time, there was a
typical American girl...

...who happened to bump into
a typical, red-blooded
American boy.

And she bumped into him...

...and bumped into him.

(DOORBELL)

So they decided they'd better
sit down and talk this over
before they had an accident.

-Hi!
-Hello?

They delivered this while you
were out, and I said I'd
bring it over.

-I'm your neighbor,
Maria Kelly.
-Come in!

-What is all this stuff?
-I just got the most
amazing job.

I'm going to be Samantha on
Bewitched!
They're re-doing it.

-Are you an actress?
-I guess I am.

-Oh, I love that show! Is that
the one about the genie?
-No?

This is so exciting!

Aah! There you are.
Come here. This is you!

Oh, I love this show!
(HUMS THE THEME)

-You know it?
-Watched it every night!
Love the song! Perfect!

There you are! You're great!
Look at the nose!

I hope you can do that.
That's hard.

Oh, that's how I got the job,
wriggling my nose.

-Really?
-Mm hmm, it's easy.

-Who's going to play
your husband?
-Jack Wyatt.

-Oh my God!
-He believes in me, he wants
to be partners with me.

Listen to this,
"Looking forward
to working with you, Isabel.

"As dictated to
Jack's assistant, Randall."

Isn't that amazing?

He's single.
It's in all the tabloids.
His wife dumped him.

-Is that true?
-Yes!

Oh my gosh!
(SQUEALS OF DELIGHT)

-I don't know why we're
doing this, but it's fun!
-I know!

Although, you really shouldn't
get involved with someone
you're working with.

They can destroy your
references. I'm a career
counselor, and...

Well that's the only reason
I took the job.

He is the cutest mess you have
ever seen. He is hopeless.
(DOORBELL)

Oh, gosh, he's beyond mortal.
My father would never approve.

Oh.

-I won't?
-Daddy. Hi.

(WHISPERING) What are you
doing here?

Hello, Isabel.
Love the hat.
And who is this?

This is my father.
This is Maria Kelly,

Woo hoo hoo, how witchy was
that? We talk about your
father and he turns up.

-Maria is my neighbor.
-Nigel Bigelow.
Enchante.

-Oh, ok.
-And what won't I
approve of?

-A man Isabel thinks is cute.
-I'm completely against it.

I'm going to be an actress
in a television series.

She's going to play Samantha
on Bewitched.

Bewitched? That's an insult
to our way of life.

(LAUGHING) Your Dad is a hoot!

I'm just going to go ahead and
take one of these, because
you've got a lot here.

-Oh sure.
-Anyway, if anyone's robbing
my house, let me know,

and I'll do the same for you.
(HUMS THEME)

Oh! And if you get a date that
has a friend,

make sure he's not secretly
married before you call me.
Bye, Nigel!

-Bye, Maria.
-Bye, Maria.

Why can't you be happy for me?

In less than a week I have
become a rich and
famous actress

living in a house
I don't even have
to pay rent for

just like every other person
in the world.

Why wouldn't I be happy?
You've turned your back
on your own kind,

and now you live
down the street
from a Denny's.

-Don't make fun of my life.
I could make fun of your life.
-So, what about this man?

No, I am not telling you
anything anymore,
you're too negative.

One morning,
I shot a lion in my pajamas.

Now, what he was doing
in my pajamas,
I'll never know.

Uncle Arthur. Classic.

Your brand of low comedy
always did appeal
to adolescent mentality.

-I won't do it.
-Speaking of traveling,
Darrin, remember that time...

-Maybe I will.
-Maybe I will.

...sent over from Europe. It's
simply gorgeous. It reminds me
of the one in California.

(SNEEZES)
-Lucinda, you really should be
watching this.

I'm only trying to say that
you broke your promise. You
gave me your word, no more...

Stuff.
It's a little harder to break
the habit than I thought.

-Well you can do it. I've got
a lot of faith in you.
-Aw, thank you, darling.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome the star of the new
Bewitched, Jack Wyatt!

Hey, I didn't expect you guys
to be here!
(LAUGHTER)

Okay, as you know, we're here
for Bewitched. But of course
it's not the same Bewitched

that you remember.
It's being retooled.

-But there is going to be a
Samantha, isn't there?
-Of course.

-Isabel, can you come
out here?
(APPLAUSE)

Be brave.
You look beautiful.

Ladies and gentlemen of the
press, I'd like you to meet
the talented and delightful

Ms. Isabel Bigelow.
Say hello to the people,
Isabel.

-Hello!
-No, no, into the microphone.
Here. Here.

-Hello!
-That's enough.
Now do that thing that you do.

(APPLAUSE)
-Great! Just stand there.

And guess who's playing
Endora.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome the great,
the legendary

Miss Iris Smythson,
as my mother-in-law.
(APPLAUSE)

Iris Smythson. Iris?
Iris?

Ok, yeah.

Iris Smythson.
And of course she hates me.
Don't you?

-Anything you say, Jerry.
-Jack. See what I mean?
That's a joke, right?

-Endora used to refer to
Darrin as Derwood.
-No, I just forgot your name.

But the news here isn't Iris
Smythson, or Jack Wyatt,
who's trying the small screen

after the twin disasters of
his last movie, and a messy
split from his wife, Sheila

who's already found someone
new after a marriage that
lasted only 19 months.

-Didn't she leave him for a
snowboarder/underwear model?
-He's a moron/idiot.

-That's right.
-Aren't they living together?

Yes, in my house!
My house that I bought
before I even met her.

But she won't move
or sign the divorce papers.

The big news is
the surprise casting
of an unknown as Samantha.

Her name is Isabel Bigelow
and she's quite the charmer,
isn't she? That's magic.

So, what's Jack Wyatt
thinking?

"My career has tanked, so I'll
fix it by playing Darrin"?

-Yeah. Because that's crazy.
Who's running his life?
-Plus, he did not look well.

Not look well? I look fine.
I'm extremely healthy.

Oh, Richie. Richie.
What am I going to
do with you?

(RINGING)
-This is Richie.

Richie. Why'd you talk me
into doing this show? Huh?

What was I thinking?
What were you thinking?

We were both thinking
the same thing, Jackattack.
Cast a nobody.

You're completely safe.

Richie, can't you come over
here? I really could use a
little support on this one.

Jack, I can't because I'm
about to step into a meeting
with the head of NBC.

(SHOUTING)
I'll be right there!
One second!

Look, I don't know
if you know this,
but I'm Darrin, okay?

They replaced Darrin on
the original Bewitched
and no one noticed!

Nobody is going to
replace you.

I'm Darrin!
How did this happen?

Hold the work!

Once upon a time,
there was a typical
red-blooded American boy

who happened to bump into
a typical American girl.

(LAUGHTER)

And cut!

-Jack, Jack.
-How was I? How was I?

-That was so good!
-Don't lie to me.

My ribs hurt.

-Jack? Uno mas? From the top?
-One more?

-Did you see what happened?
Good stuff.

Moving on!

-You know it, dude. Nice one.
JACK: Here we go. Off to a
good start, huh?

And after a while, he did
what any red-blooded
American boy would do.

-Samantha, will you marry me?
-Cut!

Great! Beautiful.
That was good.

-Action.
-You're a witch?

And you waited
until our wedding night
to tell me?

I don't believe this!
Oh, golly!

(LAUGHTER)

Samantha.

-Cut! Cut!
-Joey, for God's sake.

Are you trying to kill
everyone?
Because we can't breathe.

Iris, you can't nod to the
audience in the middle of
the show.

-It just breaks the reality.
-What?

-You can't nod to them.
You can't do a little...
-Go sit!

-In your chair.
Back to your chair.
-All right, but...

-Take two up. Rolling!
-You're a witch?

And you waited until
our wedding night to tell me?
I can't believe this.

What's going on?

Samantha.

Why is she waving?

-Who are you?
-I am Samantha's mother,
Endora.

A mortal?
You married a mortal?
Oh, my poor, poor baby.

-This is just horrifying.
-I think I need a drink.

Freeze!

Unfreeze!

Aaah!

What a shame
you didn't drink it.
If you had,

perhaps you could've spent
your wedding night
as a bullfrog.

Don't worry, Samantha.
I won't do it.
Witch's honor.

My darling,
we are quicksilver.
We're a fleeting shadow.

-We're a distant sound.
-That's your mother?

We live on the wind,
in the sparkle of a star.

And you want to trade all that
for an acre of crabgrass?

-Did she just call me
an acre of crabgrass?
-Deal with it, Derwood.

Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!

I want a piece of the show.
Why? Because I put this thing
together, that's why.

Because Jack Wyatt
doesn't parallel park
without checking with me.

Let me call you back. J-Bone!
You're crushing it, baby.
Absolutely crushing it.

-I think we got something.
-It's exciting.

-How's Isabel doing?
-She's perfect. She looks hot

and she lets you score
like a madman.

-I know. She's great.
-I can't believe you
found her, baby.

You think she's going to
notice?

What? That she doesn't
have a part?
Not a chance. She's clueless.

Plus, I think she's got
a little thing for you.
It's freaking pathetic.

-You think so?
-Yes.

-Man, that would be...
-Such a nightmare. I know.
Can you imagine?

Although, she does have
kind of a cute little
back end on her.

I mean, I wouldn't kick her
out of bed for eating
a box of crackers.

Isabel?

-Did she hear us?
-Not a chance.

A couple of changes
to the script.

It was running a little long,
so we cut your lines.

Think of it this way,
it's less to memorize.

(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Sorry.

Lunch!

Isabel!

I feel like a fool. A big,
stupid, sad fool, and yet I'm
angry as well.

-What's going on?
-Let's set fire to his
trailer. Let's just do it.

Isabel, this is awesome!
You're on TV.

He lied to me.
He tricked me.
He said he needed me.

When all he needed was someone
to stand next to him

while he says
his stupid clever lines.

-Hi, I'm Maria.
-Nina.

He seemed so messy and
sincere. But really,
he's just a big fake.

We could electrocute him.
There's tons of wires
around here.

I want to cry.
I want to break things.
I want to hurt him.

Yet there's a part of me that
still has a small amount
of feeling for him.

-How can this be?
-When my first husband left
me, I wanted to

cut the brake cables in his
car, but instead we ended up

having sex on
the elliptical machine.

He doesn't understand who
he's dealing with.
He has no idea.

Look, you have three options.
You put up with it,

quit, or get mad.

What would Samantha do?

She chose mad, right?

Aaah!

Okay, everybody, settle down.
Okay, working very quietly,
like little mice.

I don't want to see or hear
what you're doing.

Okay, so, Isabel, just to
refresh your memory,
Darrin's ex-girlfriend...

-I read the script.
-Okay. Well, let's just go
over it one more time.

-Oh, and we rehearsed it
a lot.
-Well, I'm aware of that.

Darrin's ex-girlfriend has
invited you both
over for dinner.

And Darrin forced you
to come with him...

He tricked me. Because he is
a self-centered has-been.

No, no, baby,
that's not it. No.

Because he wants his dog back,
and then Darrin says his line:

(TOGETHER)
"It's my dog.
I want him back."

(LAUGHTER)
It always kills me, Jack.
You ready to go?

-Let's do it. Let's do it.
-All right then. Saddle up.
Rolling!

Action!

(DRAMATICALLY) It's my dog.
My dog!

And I will die if I do
not have him back.

Do you understand?
I will die

if I do not have him back!

Cut!

Well, that was a bit much,
Jack. You want to take it down
a notch?

Or five?

You know what? Just keep it
going. Let me just go right
away. I'll get it this time

Rolling!

Action!

Where art thou, dog?
Thy canine lover.

What's happening?

Where is your hot breath
upon the nape of my neck?

We shall form a bond of
brotherhood, man and beast.

-You shall lick my face
and I shall lick your snout.
-Cut! Jack?

-Guys, I'm not doing this
on purpose, I swear to you.
-Okay. All right.

Rolling.

Esta mi perro.

Mi perro es mi corazon.

Muchos taquitos
esbuena suerte.

Oh my God! Where's my dog?
Totally. I have a totally
great dog.

(SCREAMS INCOMPREHENSIBLY)

Jack. Jack.
What are you doing?

This is where the dog has to
decide between Darrin's ex
and Darrin.

Samantha wiggles her nose
and the dog chooses Darrin.
Rolling!

I know how we can
solve this, Darrin.
We'll let Satchel decide.

That's a great idea.
Come to Daddy, Satchel.
Look! Good boy.

-Come to Mommy. Good boy!
-Satchel...

-Okay, Isabel,
wiggle your nose.
-Satchel. Come to Mommy.

-Come on. Come on. Up!
Right here!
-Come to Mommy, Satchel.

-Come to Daddy.
-I got it, Jack. I got it.

Don't you dare go to Daddy.
Come to Mommy!

No, no, no. You love Daddy.
Come on, Satchel.

-He's coming. He's coming.
-He's just sitting there.

(APPLAUSE)
Cut!

-Jim, what's going on here?
-Joey!

If the dog runs to you again,
try this.

-Come to Daddy, Satchel.
-Satchel, come to Mommy.

-Come on! Come on, Satchel.
-Come on, boy, please?

Good girl.

Thank God you didn't have
a great dane!

(LAUGHTER AND
APPLAUSE)

Damn it!

Cut!

Darling, that was marvelous.
But, watch out for that.

Please don't say anything.

Calm down, you're not alone.

I'm not? Are there others?

There are many others.
Many actors, they develop

tricks, twitches, really.

-You don't want to
become mannered.
-Oh, no, I don't.

Thank you, Iris.

-Hello.
-Daddy, what...?

Well, if it isn't my spell-
casting magical daughter who
gave up witchcraft.

You've had quite a day today,
haven't you?

I was provoked. I fell off the
wagon. It was a one-time
thing.

So you're not in love
with him anymore?

I have never disliked a man
more in my entire life,

which proves that I am
completely over him.

Not necessarily. In fact...

Besides, it was just a crush,
which is an intense but
superficial attraction

that can easily be mistaken
for something deeper.
Now go away.

-I have a crush on Endora.
-What?

Daddy, where are you?

I said, I have a crush
on Endora.

-Daddy. No.
-So lovely.

-Her name is not Endora.
It's Iris.
-Iris. A spring flower.

You can't. Now that I turned
out to be so wrong about him,
my job is all that I've got.

-Please don't mess it up.
-How could I do that?

How? You'll sleep with her,
cheat on her, she'll go crazy
and she'll take it out on me.

I don't want you to
get involved with Iris.
I mean it.

-You can't stop being a witch.
-I can, too. You'll see.

-Cannot.
-Can too.

-Just accept it.
-Never.

-Tell me about Bewitched.
Some have said it's a crass
attempt by the network

to market nostalgia rather
than take a risk on new ideas.

This isn't the old Bewitched.
It's been refocused.
Let's just say the only thing

I won't be doing is this...

So you leave the nose-wiggling
to the witch.
But you do it so well.

Well, I don't know about that.
I did coach her, though.

-Can we get a close-up
on the nose?
-I'd rather not.

Which camera?
Here? Okay.

(PHONE RINGS)

Shall we discuss,
dare we discuss,

-Hello?
-Last Year in Katmandu?

Hi, Nina.
Yes, yes I'm watching him.

What's a dick?

...no one ever sets out
to make a bad movie...

Oh. What does that have to do
with how obnoxious
he is being?

...Some movies are
career-enders...

Right. Right, we need a plan.

-What went wrong?
-You know, I hate to
point fingers,

but I'm going to blame
the wardrobe department.
-The wardrobe department?

I think it got in the way.

-Maybe I should quit.
-Honey, you can't quit.

-Why not?
Isn't that what people do?
-He has to quit, not you.

-Yeah, right, like that's ever
going to happen.

We have to make him quit. If
we get naked pictures of him
and pictures of farm animals

I could just Photoshop them.
-That's an excellent idea.

No, no, no. Wait.
Calm down. Calm down.

No, no, no, this is not
what I wanted.
I wanted something normal.

What should I do?

(THUMP)

(THUMP)

Oh, my.
Ooh, what a mess.

Your Aunt Clara used to be
able to make
a clean landing.

Aunt Clara?

Oh, Aunt Clara. Oh, thank
goodness you're here.

I am in the middle of a total,
total crisis at work.
I'm quitting.

No, you mustn't quit.
The show must go on.
-Isabel, are you all right?

-My friends. I have friends.
They don't know we're witches.
-Mum's the word.

You know, there was
an Aunt Clara on
the original Bewitched.

-What a coincidence!
-She was a witch.

So am I.

She was always screwing up.

-Really?
-I have made up my mind.
I'm quitting tomorrow,

and I'll do something else,
like sailing or
polishing fruit.

It's too bad you're not a
witch. You could put a hex
on Jack.

Oh, I can. I certainly can.
Who is Jack?

The reason I'm quitting.

-Well, why not put a hex
on him.
-Because I'm giving it up.

-Just a little one.
-Aunt Clara.

Just to get him to behave.
I'll do it.

And then I can keep my job.
Which would help
my self-esteem.

You know, there's only one
problem with a hex. There's no
such thing as magic.

So, what's your idea,
Little Miss Doubtful?

-Well, I have a Taser.
-Nina.

No, I think we should Taser
him and throw him into the
shark tank at SeaWorld.

-No. You think we should
do a hex.
-I think we should do a hex.

* ...witchy woman,
see how high
she flies... *

A pinch of jasmine, wolfbane,

-Grapefruit pith.
-Grapefruit pith.

I feel so alive. I feel like
one of those people
I'd make fun of.

I feel like I believe
in unicorns.

-Did I put in the wolfbane?
I can't remember.
-Aunt Clara.

Thank you, darling. Thank you.
Oh well...

Isabel.

* Isabel, bo-bel,
Banana-fana fo-fel
Fee-fy-fo-fel, Isabel! *

"The Name Game!"

-Oh boy.
-Good morning.

Randall, take that stupid sign
off that machine. Free
cappuccinos for everyone.

Buongiorno, buongiorno.

-How are we all doing?
Has anyone seen Isabel?
-No, why?

-Because I miss her.
-Listen, Jack.

-Yes.
-We got the test scores
from the pilot

How did Isabel do? 99%
percent in the top box!
Why didn't you tell me?

This is great news.
Of course she got a 99%.
Because she's dynamite.

Absolute dynamite.
High-fives all the way around.

-But, Jack, there is a
problem. Your scores...

32%. That's better than zero,
huh? You know what? That's
just constructive criticism.

The dog scored higher than me.
He's a cute dog.
What do the comment cards say?

-Oh, they don't really...
-"Jack Wyatt is a real tool."

But a good tool.
Like a Jacksaw!

You know what? Who cares?
This just means we've got hard
work to do, okay?

Hey, I never said
I was perfect.
The important thing is Isabel.

-Isabel.
-Yeah, no question.

-Good morning, everyone.
-There she is!

Is it just my imagination, or
is the room actually brighter
with her here?

Look at this bundle
of miraculous talent.

Forget 99,
I give her a hundred!

Rehearsing!

"Interior, apartment, day.
Samantha and Darrin
are sitting

"in their overcrowded
apartment."

Darrin, I think we should
buy a house, and I found
one that I love.

You nailed that!
I'm about to have a heart
attack. Isn't she great?

And now I kiss her, because
she's in love with
our new house.

Oh, you can't kiss me.
I'm not in this scene.

-You're not in the scene?
-No.

No, no, no. She isn't in the
scene? This isn't happening!

What? She has to be
in every scene! Okay?

Rewrite! Go! Rewrite.

-Everyone, Isabel needs
a joke.
-I would love a joke.

One joke, coming up.
Oh, and then I kiss her
because she's so funny.

And a job. She needs a job.

Yes! Make her the CEO of a
multinational corporation.

-Good idea, Jack.
-No. Great idea.

And then I kiss her
because she's so powerful.

It's too much. What happened?

Aunt Clara. Aunt Clara? Please
pick up the phone, something
terrible is happening.

Mm hmm, something terrible
is happening.

I know, I know.
It wasn't supposed to, and...

You should never, ever
get involved with an actor.

I'm not involved with him,
I don't think.

-Witch's honor?
-What?

I'm just being Endora.

Isabel, actors look normal,
sometimes better than normal,

But deep down,
there is no deep down.

Now, I thought you were safe.
He loathed you.
What on Earth happened?

A little witchcraft,
I suspect.

Even though we weren't going
to do it, were we, darling?

I'm Nigel Bigelow. I'm...

-Isabel's father.
How do you do?
-Oh, daddy...

We talked about this,
remember?

-I'm...
-I know who you are.

I've seen everything
you've ever done.

Lysistrata in Florence,

Blithe Spirit in New York.
You're Endora.

It's a marvel.

-It comes so easily, really.
-Really?
-Oh, yes...

Because I am a witch.

-Really?
-Oh, yes. I put out
all the lights

in Leicester Square,
just by walking past.

-Tell me more.
Tell me everything!
-(LAUGHING)

Oh please, come in!

-(GIGGLING)
-NIGEL: Ciao.

This is just fine...

MAN: Isabel!

Hey!

Isabel!

Isabel.

Hey... Hi!

Listen. Maybe we could
go to dinner tonight.
God, I'm so nervous.

-I don't think so.
I have to get home.
-We won't make it a date.

I'll just happen to stop by
your place and ask you
if you're hungry.

-No.
-Yes! That's a yes.

-No!
-I'll be by at great.
I mean...

I'll be by at eight!

Stop by if you need anything.
I'm right here.

Okay...
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Aunt Clara!

Undo it!

Undo it! You overdid it.
Undo it!

Oh dear...

-Aunt Clara!
-I'm not too sure
how to undo it!

Undoing it's not the same
as doing it.

He wants to have dinner.

-This isn't what I wanted.
-Lorna Doone?

No! No...

Darling, I'm sure you can undo
the hex if you really want to.

-Huh?
-I'm expected in Japan.

Well, that certainly didn't
work, did it?

Aunt Clara?

Aunt Clara, come back here
right now.

He's gonna be here any minute.
Aunt Clara!

But that doesn't matter
because I'm not going
out with him.

No, no I'm not.
I'm not!

Who cares what I look like?

I'm just gonna undo the hex.

I'm not even gonna bother
dressing up.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'm just gonna open the door,
undo it and slam the door
in his face.

Hey, I just happened to be
in the neighborhood with
these roses

and a Cat Steven's CD
and this bracelet

and I thought I'd stop by.

-You're sweating.
-Like a pig.

How divine.

Oh! (GIGGLES)

You look stunning.

No! Ravishing.

You look...stunnishing!

Is this your purse?

You're not too cold, are you?

-No.
-Not too warm?

-Mmm-Mmm.
-Okay...

-Are we going somewhere?
-Dinner.

I wanna know everything.

You talk, okay?

I'm just gonna listen.

Shed your radiance
and I'll just soak it up
like a plant.

Start in kindergarten.

I didn't go to kindergarten.

-I was home schooled.
-You were home schooled?

So was I.

How amazing! That's freaky.

-I'm getting chills.
-Yeah, that is kind of
amazing.

My parents were hippies,
were yours?

-No.
-That's so weird.

My parents were hippies
and yours weren't.
What are the odds?

Though we did have incense
and candles.

-So did we!
-You did?

To this day, the smell
of incense makes me puke.

-Yes! Me too.
-Amazing!

-Wow.
-I brought duck.

Oh! I...

-I love duck.
-So do I!

How amazing is that?

Well, most people love duck.

You know what?
No, they don't.

Wait!

-I wrote you a song.
-Oh...

-No one's ever written me
a song.
-Well...

I did.

* Hey...

* pretty lady

* I'm back here with my heart

* Hey...

* pretty lady

* Are you a dream, made real?

* My soul, you have healed

* Make me a better man

* I wanna set up residence

* In your promised land

Okay, and this is the...

power-ballad guitar-solo.

(VOCALIZING)

* Promise land!

Now, you sing the chorus.

* -Promised land
-Yeah. *

Drum solo.
(VOCALIZING)

* -Promised land
-Promised land
-Leg kick. *

-Whoo!
-Whoo!

Okay, I'm gonna
break the guitar.

* Promised land!
Whoo!

JACK: * Promised land

Whoo!

We're about to kiss,
aren't we?

I thought so, but thanks for
ruining the moment,
Miss Narrator.

Oh, my ruby jewel.

-What?
-My chocolate-covered
strawberry.

I wanna bask in
our love like...

like a house-cat,

lying in the sun.

-Meow. Meow.
-Jack, Jack... Stop.

I forgot I...

Why did I let myself forget?
It was...

It was so nice,
I couldn't help myself and...

Oh, Jack!

This is sad.
This is... No.

Let's make love
in a hot-air balloon.

-Uh...
-Let's make love
in a candy factory.

-Huh?
-Let's make love
in a petting zoo.

-I have to undo this. I do.
-Let's make love

at Sea World
on the back of a killer whale.

Because it doesn't mean
anything unless it's real.

What witches wish, no mortal
needs. Let time repent
and unsow its seeds

And now I speak the ancient
word of redemption

and regret.

Rewind.

MAN: So you leave the
nose-wiggling to the witch.

But you do it so well!

-JACK: I did coach her though.
-MAN: Can we get a close-up

on the nose?

JACK: I'd rather not.

Which camera?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello, Nina.

I just knew it was you.
That's all.

Yes he is.

He is a giant, male
reproductive organ.

We don't need a plan.
I already know what
I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna speak to him...

about his behavior.
I'm gonna talk to him
sensibly

and directly
and I know he will change.

You'll see.
Bye.

Butt out, Samantha.
I know what I'm doing.

I mean it.

JACK: * Jack-Jack-bo-back

* Banana-fana-fo-fack

* Bee-bi-bo-back

* Jack!

Guys, make me 20 cappuccinos.

Bring me the best one.

-Hey J-Bone.
-Hey, Buddy.

-The test-scores are in.
-How'd I do?

-90? 100? 120?
-Well...

-No...
-140? What does it say?

I got it.
I got it right here.

32.

I got a 32?

Is that for real?

The dogs scored
higher than I did.

Well, it's not you, Jack.

It's Darrin.

"That Jack Wyatt
is a real tool.

"We hate him.

"We mean the actor,
not the character."

Get a grip.

Hug me.

I'm gonna be doing
dinner theater at Boca Raton.

They hate the show.
The whole show.

They hate everyone on it.

-Yeah, they did...
-Yep.

Isabel must have
gotten savaged.

She got 99?

99? Is that for real?

Is that a joke?

She didn't say anything!

How is it that someone
who doesn't say anything

scores higher than someone
who had all the lines?

Oh my...

Did anyone anticipate
this as a possibility?

Hindsight's 20/20.

Good morning, everyone.

And they think I'm a tool?

I haven't been called a tool
since I was 15.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you!

You know what? No one
ever liked Darrin!

No one! Why did we ever
think that was gonna change?

I have something to say.

This is unbelievable.

A 32?

That's for real.

A 3 in front of a 2.

-Oh, my God!
-Wait!

I have something to say!

And she got 99?

Were they high?

Were the people
in the test group high?

Did we drug test them?

Were they just sitting
in the studio, smoking crack?

Saying "let's give her a 99
and him a 32?

"By the way,
I'm high on crack!"

I have something to say!

What?

You're a jerk.

What did you just say?

I said...

You're a jerk!

Everything is about you.

You are selfish

and you are self-centered.

And you...you lied to me.

You said you needed me.
You don't need anyone!

Listen, sweetie, why don't you
go to your trailer
and take a Midol?

Hey! You be quiet or
I'll give you a tail!

-Just calm down.
-You sit down!

Sit down.

Wow...

This show is supposed
to be about a marriage.

A real marriage
with real problems, like...

like what color to paint
the kitchen or...

or I don't know,
other problems. I can't even
think of them right now

but the only problems
you care about are your own!

No wonder the audience
doesn't like this show.

A witch marries a mortal.

Who in their right mind
would want to marry you?

-Hey...
-That's it...

You're fired.

Doesn't matter. I...

I quit!

Yeah.

So...

You better call my agent.

You don't have an agent.

Then call my cable man.

(WHISTLES) Sorry...

So, uh...

You all right?

No one's talked to me like
that in 20 years.

Once a week, a woman
talks to me like that.

She just stripped
me bare and...

stuck the knife in.

Let's go to the peninsula
and get some oysters.

You know what I think?

Hey.

The woman needs a part.

I'm sorry?

I mean, if you got Sammy Sosa,
you don't bench him.

If you got Gorbachev
in the ballet,

you let him dance
the big number.

I don't think Gorbachev
was a dancer.

Yes he was, Ritchie.
He absolutely was.

Look it up.

Isabel!

Hey!

Hey, Isabel!

Wait! Wait, don't go!

Isabel.

Please don't go.
Please don't go. That...

That was incredible.

-What?
-Just now! That.

-Hey!
-You yelled at me.

You were upfront

and honest

and you called me out

on all my crap.

It was just great!

-Ah!
-Oh, God.

I've never done
anything like this.

It was very hard,
but secretly quite thrilling.

Even my ex-wife...

She never yelled.

She just locked me out.

Oh! In my family,

we usually just disappear.

No, no. Don't disappear,
Isabel.

One more show.

-I don't think so.
-No, one more taping.

-Please?
-No.
-It's just that...

I'm feeling that...

I'm feeling like maybe...

I'm sorry.

What'd you say?

I'm sorry

for how I've been.

You're sweating again, I...

I just...
Look.

-One more.
-I love it when you sweat.

One more. Just...

One more and the second
I'm being a jerk, you can yell

"Hey! He's being a jerk!"

And we'll shut
the whole thing down.
I promise.

We'll burn down
the sets and...

and sell the costumes and give
the money to little children.

I mean, that's one
possible scenario.

You want me to say
"he's being a jerk?"

You can yell it, I mean...

He's being a jerk!

-Yeah...
-He's being a jerk!

Yes.

(YELLING)
(GROWLING)

I can't just walk back
in there now.

Once you show up
on a golf-cart,

believe me, all is forgiven.

I've done it a lot of times.

I was fired.

Oh no!

-That's right, I quit.
-Yeah!

-Yeah.
-Hey, let me carry your plant.

Honey, your mother's here.

Are you two getting along?

Not exactly.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Like this?
-Uh-huh. You're doing great.

Really, really great.
One more time.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

* If you like making love
at midnight

* In the dunes
on the cape

* Then I'm the love
that you've looked for

* Write to me and escape

So it says here that marriage
can lead to a loss of passion.

It's true.

I feel empty and bored
already.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Oh, great. It's you.

Mother...

I see you two are actually
getting along.

Endora, you rancid fruit-bag,
get outta my room.

And my daughter is happy?

That is the cruelest
twist of all.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I am happy, Darrin.

Real, honest, no-spells
happy.

Mmm...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

And cut.

Actors, cut.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Really cut now.

You were great today.

Just absolutely amazing.

I don't think I've ever had
so much fun.

Acting is fun.

That is a profoundly
true thing.

Would you like
a water chestnut?

I'd love a water chestnut.

(SIGHS)

I'm gonna teach you
everything I know,

starting with...

the eye thing.

The famous, crazy eye thing...
of mine

Okay?

This almost won me
a Golden Globe.

Almost.

-Is that it?
-That's good.

Oh, that's even better.

This is the "I just realized
things are worse than
they seem"...

thing. Also known as the
"yikes take".

(GRUNTS)

Yikes.

Wow.

Yikes!

-That was terrible.
-It's okay.
-No, I was terrible.

I don't think mine
was good either.

That's it. I'm out of tricks.

What about the funny
walk you do?

-The funny walk?
-Mmm-hmm.

-You don't wanna see
the funny walk.
-I do.

The funny walk is
embarrassing.

I'd like to see.

-Yeah?
-Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

Let's go to our place.

-That it?
-Great.

-It's much harder
than it looks.
-Yeah.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Whoo!

(MEOWS)

Something magical happened
all by itself.

Table read in ten minutes!

-Good morning, everyone!
-Good morning, Jack.

Jack, I just need to talk
to you about a couple
of these things.

Number one, we're thinking
about moving

the whole kitchen scene.
Just, it's such...

-It's...
-It's a funny scene.

It's really funny.
We'd like to get it in

a little earlier.

So probably what we're gonna
do is switch it...

with the office.

But we're gonna drop that till
a little later in the show.

(GIGGLING)

Dude, are you watching
Jack throw the vibe
to Isabel right now?

(WHISPERING) How are you?

Ooo...

I'm great.

That's for you.

Thank you.

Mmm!

That's fantastic.

Stop.

Yeah, I can find something
for him. I can put him in a
little part with maybe no...

no lines or anything
like that.

What is going on
between you and Jack?

Nothing is going on.

We had a date and we kissed

and now we just wanna spend
all of our time together.

That is the very definition
of something going on.

And you know what?

I didn't use any tricks.
I am trick-free.

Oh my God, it's her.

-Who?
-Jack's wife. I saw a picture
of her in In Style.

She was the "fashion don't."

Excuse me,
I'm looking for Jack.

You must be Samantha.

You look just like
the old one.

Thank you so much.

-WOMAN: Oh...
-Excuse me.

Love the nose.

Good work.

There he is!

There's my guy!

I've missed him so much.

Let's just say the
"do not disturb" sign will be
on the door-knob tonight.

-(SCREAM)
-What happened?
-My God!

Help me lift it.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

That was a little harsh.

I've missed him so much.

Let's just say the
"do not disturb" sign will be
on the door-knob tonight.

Sheila.

Hi, baby.

What are you doing here?

You want my car?

My grandmother's brooch?

Oh!

You want more money.

Ding ding ding!
Correct answer.

No.

I want you back.

What about Captain Underpants?

I'm through with him.

I love you, Jack.

Oh, wait. I get it.

You heard the show's
getting picked up.

I heard it's gonna be a hit.

So what?

I want you.

I want my husband.

You know, a week ago,
I would have fallen for that.

But now there's someone else.

Someone who's...

incapable of guile.

What's guile?

Not gonna do it.

I think it means tricks.

I love you, baby.

No, I'm not.

Maybe I will.

(SCREAMING)

MAN: What the heck
is going on?

This place is spooked.

-I quit.
-Joey.

Joey, come back here.

Get me a mirror!

Jack!

Jack!

Are you okay?

Am I okay?

And...

one more time.

I'm fine!

And I'm signing the divorce
papers right now.

You are?

Maybe two.

And I'm moving out
of the house...

this afternoon.

Where are you going?

Reykjavik.

Where is it?

Iceland.

I love ice.

Goodbye, everyone!

I'm off to Reykjavik!

Oh, my God.

Everyone, did you
just see that?

She's gonna sign the papers!

This is incredible!

(WHISPERING)
Isabel.

Party at my house!

You're out of control.

Every time I think I have
things nailed down,

I just lose it.

Oh, don't be so hard
on yourself.

It's gonna be okay.

Oh, woah.

Who is that?

No, Maria. No.

Too late!

JACK: Everyone!

Can I have your attention,
please. I just wanna say
a few words.

Randall, can you help...

deal with this?

Thank you.

Where do I start?

What a night.
Is everyone having fun?

EVERYONE: Yeah!

Great.

I am...

I'm so grateful for so many
things tonight.

The show...

all of you amazing,
talented people,

and especially Isabel.

To a woman who would never
trick me into thinking she was
something she wasn't.

From now on,
everyone tells the truth.
Okay?

Except, of course, if I don't
look good, say I do anyway.

(LAUGHING)

(APPLAUDING)

Isabel, you are
a beautiful person

and that's the truth.

-Cheers!
-EVERYONE: Cheers!

-Have a great time!
-Cheers.

JACK: Don't break
anything, okay?

I hope that touching speech

doesn't make you think
that you should tell the truth
about yourself.

-I'm going to.
-Don't be silly.

And he's gonna accept me.
He's got to

because you can't live
with a secret like that.

Of course you can,
for thousands of years.

Don't do it.

Big mistake.

Won't work.

Well, hello there.
Now, don't tell me...

coconut shrimps.

Oh, yes. Would you like one?

Yes, thank you.

Do you know...

you're quite fetching...

and I'm Nigel Bigelow.

Yes.

I will sleep with you
because I have a thing
for father figures.

Well, that's great then.

But in the morning, I will not
get 90 percent of your jokes

and I will go on and on about
my dream of opening an aerobic
center in Agoura.

Are you looking for me?

Missing you, actually.

How strange.

Not really.

I'm just gonna say it like
it's a completely
matter-of-fact thing.

Guess what.

What?

I'm a witch.

Well, guess what.

What?

I'm a Clippers fan.

(GIGGLING)

Yeah, it's not like it's
a big deal.

I'm not a bad witch
and we're...

We're getting it all out there
and we're telling the truth,
right?

Right.

And I'm not just a fan,

I made the mistake of buying
court-side seats.

No, really. Jack...

Jack, I am.
I, Isabel Bigelow...

-I'm a witch.
-Okay, great.

So, you're witch.

Come on, let's go make out
in the hall closet.

-Jack...
-Okay, okay. I'll play along.

Like it's an improv.

Prove it.

RITCHIE: So, I just said
"listen, guys...

"I believe Cher
has another hit."

-Really?
-Yeah.

Wow! Fantastic trick!

Not a trick.

Wow! How'd you do that?

To the most powerful
witch ever.

Can you make an umbrella
appear in this drink?

-I can.
-Really?

That's amazing.

Uh-huh.

I had no idea you were
an amateur magician.

Hey!

Hey! Isabel.

Jack, listen to me.

I was born a witch.
My parents are witches.
I'm a witch.

-A real witch!
-MAN: That's right, Isabel.
You go girl.

(CHEERING)

That is cool. That's great.

You are very frustrating.

Do you have some
Daniel Day-Lewis thing
happening here?

How's it going?

I'm leaving.

Thank you.

Hey there.
I have Hepatitis C.

Isabel!

Isabel.

Isabel, what's going on?

Come back to the party.

What are you...

Where are you going?

Wow. That's really cool.
Did props make that?

-Jack, I keep trying
to tell you.
-Can I get your car, miss?

Oh, she doesn't need her car,
she has her broomstick.

-You think I'm nuts,
don't you?
-Of course not.

I know plenty of women
who carry around collapsible
broomsticks.

I'll get the car.

It won't be there.
I sent it home.

It looks so real. I can't even
see the buttons on it.

It is real.

Flies too.

Oh, I'd love to see that.

-Hang on.
-What?

(SCREAMING)

Put me down!

I kept trying to tell you.

(SCREAMING)

It's no big deal, Jack.

It's no big deal.

This is a huge deal.

-We can work this out.
It's just who I happen to be.
-Get away.

Get away from me.

You tricked me.
You put spells on me.

Well, only a few.
Yes, I did but...

-I took most of them off.
-Help! Someone help!

Ah! Jack.

I thought this would be okay.

How would it be okay?

Because it's me!
It's still me.

I'm a little freaked
out right now.

I know but I can't change
what I am.

Are you crazy?

Are you even human?

-Jack!
-Am I gonna get pregnant?

-What?
-Because I can't get
pregnant right now.

How does this work?
Am I gonna get webbed feet?

-You're hurting
my feelings now.
-Get away.

-Shoo!
-Ow! Shoo?

-Shoo?
-Shoo!

Now you're making me angry.

-Go! Scat!
-You want me to leave?

-Yes!
-Fine!

-Fine!
-Fine!

Goodbye, Jack.

(SCREAMING)

You jerk!

Sorry, Mr. Wyatt.
I can't find her car.

So, she quit. So what?

-How's Jack taking all this?
-Let me just tell you guys
something.

Jack Wyatt's like a jet
fighter pilot.

Nothing rattles him.

I'm sure he's just at the gym.

-Hey.
-Okay.

Stop holding my arm.

I found this gentleman picking
up pennies out of a shopping
mall water fountain.

Thank you so much, officer.

How much do I tip
you for that?

-You don't tip me.
-Hey, Jack.

-Hey, all.
-Hey, big guy.

-How's it going?
-What's up, Jack?

You all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

-I've never been better.
-Okay.
-Come on.

What's the bottle
of ketchup for?

-Come again?
-The...

Oh...

I forgot to leave it at this
diner in Mexico.

Don't freak out on us, Jack.

You're fired.

Classic.

(CHUCKLING)

-Anyone have a light?
-Right here, pal.

Everybody, let's
just calm down.

We've only shot two episodes.

We got ten weeks
before we air.

So, we recast.
Piece of cake.

Next! I don't know.

It'll be hard to find somebody
with those scores.

Good scores, good scores.

-She's a witch.
-That's more like it.

Just keep telling
yourself that, man.

I'm fine, really. I'm...

Last night I ate three
burritos and I smashed every
dish in my house.

Isabel,

you can't let this guy
ruin your life.

-Well...
-They're recasting your role.

They're recasting
my role already?

Well, you quit.

Tough town.

I mean, like what happened?

He said I wasn't human

and he waved
a tree branch at me.

There must be a solution.

No, there isn't.

We're at the Coffee Bean

and there is no solution.

GIRL: Jack, remember me?
Amber?

GIRL: Jack, you're amazing!

Oh, my stars!

Darrin's coming home and
I haven't even made dinner!

What?

You're great.
You want anything?

-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.

Thank you.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Boo! Trick or treat!

You guys look great.

Happy Halloween.

Ah! Mommy!

I'm sorry, I don't
have any candy.

ALEX TREBEK: (ON TV)
...These categories in our
first round at play .

First off, cheese.

Next, things that
end in "zing."

JACK: (ON TV) I have no idea
where we are.

I mean, I literally could not
find Vietnam on a map.

-Oh...
-And now we've got
to die here?

MAN: I think it's next
to Argentina.

JACK: Well, at least nobody
shot at us yet.

(BULLETS WHIZZING BY)

Yikes!
That's not good!

Yikes.

I think the lions are here,
Atticus.

(LIONS ROARING)

(SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER: And here's Willie,

doing his famous Willie walk.

(BELL RINGS)

Oh...

Sherpa!

We've got to go.

Don't look at me like that.
It's the only solution.

Isabel,

would you please join me
in the dining alcove?

Thank you.

Daddy...

Something very odd
is happening.

It's not odd,
it's what you predicted.

I'm leaving.

I can't stop thinking
about Iris.

You were right.
I don't belong here.

I find myself uninterested
in any other woman.

Now, that's not natural.

-Do you think
there's a chance...
-What?

That she might be a witch?

Don't be silly.

And she put a spell on me?

Please...

Why not? You're a witch.

I'm a witch.
She could be a witch.

I guess she could.

What else could it be?

Love?

Oh...

Isn't there a spell
that can make you stop crying?

No, darling. There isn't.

He's idiotic and yet

I find him completely
charming.

It's been like that
since the beginning.

Only now...

I also hate him.

Love.

Daddy?

What am I gonna do?

Go home.

Where's that?

Wherever you've been
the happiest.

Perhaps I'll go to Aruba.

-Aruba?
-But then again...

perhaps I won't.

(ON TV) I don't know if I'm
loving my hair-cut.

Well, Con...

I can't believe you're
bringing this up.

No, no! No no no.

No, I'm not gonna
tell that story.

There's no way...
Okay, okay!

If you insist...

It was last June and...

I actually...

cast this witch as a witch

and now brooms make me cry.

I can't sleep and...

I don't know what's real
or what's the TV show.

-Hidey-ho!
-(SCREAMS)

Look what the cat dragged in.

Somebody is retaining water.

Uncle Arthur?

It's you!

Oh no. You're gonna crack
the mirror, aren't you?

You watch too much television.

I know you're gonna do
what you always do.

Don't be silly.
Come closer.

Do I have something
in my teeth, right there?

-Where?
-Look!

(SCREAMS)

UNCLE ARTHUR: (LAUGHING)

That was fun.

Where's Sammy?

Where's my Sammy?

She quit.

Now leave me alone.

But she was the one.

I know.

I know. I can't stop
thinking about her.

But she's a witch.

Yes, and?

-MAN: Jack, you're on!
-Oh no, I'm on!

Go get em, Tiger.

...revival of a hit series
Bewitched.

Of course you know him from
such films as Last year
in Katmandu,

An Onion for Willie
and Atticus Rex.

Please welcome our good pal,

Jack Wyatt.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Ah!

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh, my God.

It was a dream.

Thank God.

No such luck, Jacky boy.

-(SCREAMS)
-(LAUGHING)

Stay back!

You are not real.

You're from the TV show.

You have blond highlights

and you had to wear a girdle
on your last movie.

Who's calling who not real?

I do not believe this.

You are real.

Temporarily.

Oh, Uncle Arthur?

You're my favorite character.

I know.

What the hell's going on?

You need help.
Your love life's a mess,
buddy boy.

I know. I'm miserable.

So am I.

I have been in reruns
for 32 years!

I need the sizzle
of prime time.

I need to get this show
back on the air.

Okay, this is very complicated

and unsettling, all right?

I don't think I understand.

All right. Do you want the...

short version or
the long version?

Keep in mind that the long
version is in Aramaic.

The short version.

You got involved with a witch

and when you do that,

weird stuff happens.

-That's it?
-Do I have to explain
everything to you?

Okay, here's the deal.

I'm not real.

-Hmm?
-Iris is a witch...

-Iris is a witch?
-Don't dwell...

And in my opinion, that...

-manager of yours, Ritchie...
-What?

(WHISPERING)
isn't even human.

Now, where was I?

-When?
-Before you walk out...
Oh, right!

Who wants to be with a witch?

Right! Crazy crap like this
would always be happening.

And your point is?

The point is you'd never know.

What?

Whether you were in love
with her or whether she just
put a spell on you.

-You'd never know.
-Like when you first spotted
her in the bookstore.

Probably her idea, right?

No, that was my idea.

-Oh, that's terrible.
-I know. I just love to blend.

And when you got down on your
knees and you begged her to
take the job?

-What are you saying?
-She probably planted
the words in your head.

-No way. My words.
-Mmm-hmm...

Yeah? What about the nose?

Hello!

Is that even really her nose?

Of course it's her real nose.

All I'm saying is...

who wants to be with a witch?

I do.

She's going home.

And once a witch returns home,
she can't come back
for 100 years.

She can't leave...

I need her.

I want her. I want Isabel.

Well, come on.
Let's go get her.

Here we go!
Let's go!

Let's go get her!

Follow me. Follow me!
Here we go!

Come on.
Here we go!

Better hurry. She's leaving
right this minute.

We've gotta stop her.

Hey, wait. You can't drive,
remember?

Remember that episode where
you pulled out of the driveway
and almost crashed?

Well, that wasn't exactly me.

I, personally,
am a great driver.

Wupsy doodle.

-Wee!
-(SCREAMING)

Take it easy!

Could you slow down
just a tad?

Is it "Porsche" or is
it "Porscha?"

Who cares? Watch the road!

Please! We've gotta
get Isabel!

Oh, all right, party-pooper.

UNCLE ARTHUR: Let me drive!

There she is!

-Where?
-Oh no! She's flying away!

Pedal to the metal,
buddy boy!

Watch it!

I'm about to be killed
by a fictional character.

(LAUGHING)
Yes, you are.

We're here.

Here? Where?

Where is she?

Our place.

She's at our place.

Thank you.

Thank you, Uncle Arthur.

Run to her, you idiot.

Isabel...

Oh, my God.

You're here.

I'm so happy you're here.

I'm leaving.

No, no, no.
You can't.

You'll be gone forever
if you leave.

You'll be gone a hundred years
without being able to come
back, even if you miss me.

That's ridiculous.

Who told you that?

He did!

UNCLE ARTHUR: (LAUGHING)

Well...

What are you doing here
if you're leaving?

I was going home.

But...

I don't know where that is.

Home is with me.

Don't go, please.

-But I'm...
-Shh...

We'll work it out.

-We can't.
-Yes we can.

I can't be normal

because I'm a witch.

I can't be a witch

because I really
wanna be normal.

It's not possible.

Of course it's possible.

There's tons of other
witches who've done it.

Who?

Well, maybe not tons
of other witches, but...

at least one.

Samantha.

Caught between two worlds

and yet...

completely happy.

She lived happily ever after,
in fact.

Although there's no way
to be sure because she
went off the air.

We'll work it out.

Don't cry, little witch.

I love you, Samantha.

Isabel.

I knew that.

I think.

I love you, Darrin.

I just occurred to me,
you could have...

any guy...

-Uh-huh...
-in the whole world.

Oh, but I choose you.

Honestly, I think you made
a mistake.

If I did, I could always
get out of it.

(MEOW)

Now we have things to do.

Mmm-hmm.

We have a show to do.

-Yes.
-And then...

maybe after a while,
we could get married.

JACK: There it is!

Abner, come look!

The new neighbors
are moving in!

Not now, Gladys. I'm busy.

Ah, yes.

I'm now going to carry you
across the threshold.

ISABEL: Don't you think
the front lawn looks
a little bare?

JACK: No, I don't.

ISABEL: But I think it
could use a little something.

It's fine the way it is,
honey.

Abner!

A tree just appeared
in the front yard!