Original subtitles

- I'm Statler. - I'm Waldorf.

We're here to heckle The Muppet Movie.

Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.

- Private screening? - Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.

Oh, oh. Look at this place. What a dump.

Bunch of weirdos around here. Look at 'em.

- Yes, I know you all want to sit with moi. - Hey, lady. Is this seat taken?

Hey, you! Hey! Bring that back.

I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny, I won't be able to live with myself.

Well, then you'll have to get another apartment, won't you?

You know, I hear this movie is dynamite.

Get your fresh organic popcorn. Only a buck.

Honey. Buy me some, please.

Sure, Momma. Nothin's too good for my woman.

Woman! Woman! Woman!

- Well, I like the movie fine so far. - It hasn't started yet.

That's what I like about it.

Yie, yie, yie, yie, yie!

Do it. Yay!

Oh, hey, Mr. the Frog.

Is it okay for me and my boomerang fish to be in your movie?

Hey!

I told you, Lew. Not in the movie or at the screening.

Hey, but watch. Whoa!

Kermit, does this film have socially redeeming value?

Oh, I... I certainly hope so, Sam. Sorry about that.

- Kermie. - Oh, hi, Piggy.

Kermie, I tried to save you a seat, but somebody took it.

Hi, everybody, and welcome to the first screening of The Muppet Movie.

But before we begin, I'd like to thank everyone who contributed to this film,

starting with the little people, from the hairdressers to special effects.

That's enough of that, Harry.

Boom! Blow it up. Ka-boom!

- Boring. - To the costume designers.

- To the prop makers. - Kermie, Kermie.

Speeches are not necessary, dear. Roll film.

Yeah, but I'd like to thank everybody for all of their hard work and their patience

- and their... - Roll film! Roll film!

Roll film.

Excuse me.

Uncle Kermit, is this about how the Muppets really got started?

Well, it's sort of approximately how it happened.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows

And what's on the other side?

Rainbows are visions

But only illusions

And rainbows have nothing to hide

So we've been told

And some choose to believe it

I know they're wrong, wait and see

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish

Would be heard and answered

When wished on the morning star?

Somebody thought of that

And someone believed it

Look what it's done so far

What's so amazing

That keeps us stargazing?

And what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

All of us under its spell

We know that it's probably magic

Have you been half asleep?

And have you heard voices?

I've heard them calling my name

Is this the sweet sound

That calls the young sailors?

The voice might be one and the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it

It's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Help! Hello.

This is a serious call for help.

- Yeah? - Someone help.

Ah, I... Oh, oh.

You, you with the banjo.

Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction.

Have you tried Hare Krishna?

Ha, ha. No.

No. I mean I'm really lost.

One second.

Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog.

His tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.

That's rough. I'm sorry about your tongue,

but I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane.

With that tongue? No way.

But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.

- Thank you. - Just watch out for the alligators.

I will.

- Alligators? - That's right.

Did you say alligators?

Read my lips, alligators.

It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from.

See, I'm an agent. I... I winged in from Hollywood.

- Hollywood? - That's right.

Did you say Hollywood?

Read my lips, Hollywood. You know...

Hollywood

The dream factory, the magic store.

Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?

Oh, sure. There's a double feature in town every Saturday.

- Wait a minute. - What?

- Wait a minute. - What?

There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in.

- Feast your eyes on that. - Uh...

"World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs

"wishing to become rich and famous."

Well, thanks anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.

Oh, oh, if I were you,

I would give this audition very careful consideration.

You've got talent, kid. Singin', tellin' jokes.

I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows?

You could make millions of people happy.

- Millions of people happy? - Millions.

Hey, if you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up.

Bernie the Agent.

Hey, well, listen, Bernie, why don't you say hello to Arnie the Alligator?

- What? - Arnie.

Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie.

Stay! Stay!

Arnie, that's okay. Leave him alone.

It's all right, he's from Hollywood.

Hollywood. Gee.

I...

I'd miss this old swamp, but...

Millions of people happy.

What the...

Okay, okay, you guys. Now, come on. Do what I tell you.

I don't know where you're... All right, now...

Don't step on that asphalt!

I told you not to step on it. We gotta get this... Off the asphalt!

I told you, stay off the asphalt!

Hey, look at him.

Oh, big legs.

Hey, you on the bike! Watch out! Watch out!

- Watch out! - Oh, my... Ah!

Watch out!

Oh!

Hmm.

That's pretty dangerous, building a road in the middle of the street.

I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwinn.

The El Sleezo Cafe.

Hmm.

Foreign food.

Doesn't smell promising, but a frog's gotta eat.

Wow.

Rough place, huh?

That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest, pesthole on the face of the Earth.

Well, why not complain to the owner?

I am the owner.

Watch out. Hot plates comin' through. Look out.

All right, you got your French-fried frog legs on Cotton.

You got your frog legs on Eugenie. You got your frog legs stroganoff.

- Everybody happy? All right. - Ugh!

Hello, sailor. Buy me a drink?

Well, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog.

Cut the small talk and buy me a drink.

- But I don't even know you. - Hey. You makin' a move on my girl?

- No, sir. - He did, too. He touched me.

Ugh! Go wash. You'll get warts.

- No, you see, that's just a myth. - Yeah, but she's my "myth."

- No, no. Myth, myth. - Yeth?

What the hey?

Showtime. Showtime at the El Sleezo.

And now, filling in for the vacationing El Sleezo dancing girls,

the funny, furry, fabulous Fozzie Bear.

Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.

Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.

Hey, you're a great crowd. Thank you, thank you and thank you.

Hey, wacka, wacka.

Ah, wacka, wacka, wacka.

Here I am, Fozzie Bear, to tell you jokes both old and rare.

Wacka, wacka, wacka.

Ha, ha. Let's start things off with a bang.

Thank you, sir.

Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.

This guy's lost.

Maybe he should try Hare Krishna.

Grief, it's a running gag.

Uh...

There was this sailor who was so fat...

How fat was he?

Uh...

He was so fat that everybody liked him and there was nothing funny about him at all.

No problem.

Oh, wait, please. Oh, please. Please wait.

I'm trying so hard. Please don't do that.

I'm a professional. I've had three performances.

- Cut, cut, please. - Do you know any dance routines?

What? Not really. Do you?

- Play something snappy. - You got it.

- Now dance. - What?

- Dance. - Yes, sir.

Ah! Wacka, wacka.

Aha, wacka, wacka.

Ah!

It's too bad the dancing girls are on vacation. The crowd is getting ugly.

Ha, ha. You think this crowd's ugly, you should see the dancing girls.

Two, three, four.

- Two, three, kick. - Kick. Yeah, sorry.

Coming home.

Argh!

Please. I just cleaned the fur. Please. Oh.

I hope you appreciate that I'm doing all my own stunts.

Wacka wacka.

Okay, everybody. Drinks on the house.

Drinks on the house! Man, come on, let's go.

- Drinks on the house. - Go, go. On the house.

Drinks on the house.

I don't see no drinks up here. What's he talkin' about?

The bartender said there were drinks on the house.

Works every time.

Well... Well, hey, listen.

My name is Kermit the Frog and I'm on my way to Hollywood.

- Hollywood? - You wanna join me?

Big-time show biz. That's always been my dream.

Yeah, well, they're holding auditions for frogs next week.

And if they need frogs, they must need bears, too.

Oh.

My car's right outside.

Gee, a Studebaker. Where did you get it?

- My uncle left it to me. - Huh? Is he dead?

No, he's hibernating.

You know, Fozzie, you really do have a lot of talent.

Thank you.

You know, how about you and me putting together an act?

Oh, no. Sorry. I only work as a single.

Oh, okay.

All right. You talked me into it. We'll be a team.

Oh, good.

- What's this? - Hey, you better pull over here.

Yes, sir.

Ah.

Hey, what's going on?

Howdy, Mr. Frog.

- I'm a businessman with a proposition. - What?

Let me show you somethin' that might change your whole life.

Huh.

Hop right on over here, my little green friend.

- Listen, mister. - That's it.

This is the kind of chance you can't afford to pass up.

No, now, don't be afraid.

- Watch the window. - Hm.

- What's that? - Ah.

Hi, I'm Doc Hopper,

invitin' you to hop on down and get some Hopper's French-fried frog legs.

Right here at the sign of the bright green legs.

- Good grief. - Come on.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Frog legs, frog legs, frog legs are fine

Hopper's is the place you should dine

There's cheese legs Bacon legs, chili legs too

French-fried frog legs barbecued

Oh, Fozzie. Ugh.

If you want just a snack

Don't worry.

Then here is the one

A frog leg burger on a bright green bun

That is terrible.

That's the most appalling, disgusting, revolting thing I've ever seen.

I know. I'm a great businessman and a sweet fella,

but I do lack the skills of a performer.

You also make a lousy frog.

You, on the other hand, make a terrific frog.

- What? - He's right, you know.

- You are very likable, Kermit. - The bear's right.

You, my little likable friend, are gonna do all our television commercials.

- No way. - Hold it. Now, just a minute.

There's $500 in it for you up-front.

$500 is just the beginning.

You could be earning this much every year.

- Let's go, Fozzie. - $500?

Would you consider a bear in a frog suit?

- Fozzie. - Yes, sir. I just lost my head. I...

Now, just a minute, Mr. Frog. Everything's negotiable.

Okay, here we go, here we go.

- Sorry. - Hey, that's my Caddy!

- Just get it in gear, Fozzie. - Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Frog, it's money we're talking about.

Max!

Follow that frog.

Max!

Follow that frog with me in the car!

I'm sorry, Doc. I just got excited.

Hey, do you like the frog? Isn't he terrific, Doc?

Terrific, Max, terrific. Now go!

But you promised me a reward.

Later, Max. Now follow that frog.

- Oh, it's a gorgeous day. - Yep, certainly is.

- Yep, terrific day for a drive. - It's beautiful country out here.

A frog and a bear seeing America.

Movin' right along in search of good times and good news

With good friends, you can't lose

This could become a habit

Opportunity knocks once Let's reach out and grab it

- Yeah! - Together we'll nab it

We'll hitchhike, bus, or Yellow Cab it

Cab it?

Movin' right along

Footloose and fancy-free

Getting there is half the fun Come share it with me

Movin' right along

We'll learn to share the load

We don't need a map to keep this show on the road

Hey, Fozzie, I want you to turn left if you come to a fork in the road.

Yes, sir. Turn left at the fork in the road.

Kermit.

I don't believe that.

Movin' right along We've found a life on the highway

And your way is my way

So trust my navigation

California, here we come Come pie in the sky land

Palm trees and warm sand

Though sadly we just left Rhode Island

- We did what? - Just forget it.

Movin' right along

Hey, LA, where have you gone?

Send someone to fetch us We're in Saskatchewan

Movin' right along

You take it, you know best

Hey, I've never seen the sun come up in the west

Ah.

A bear in his natural habitat.

A Studebaker.

- Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead. - What is that?

Maybe we should give him a ride.

I don't know. He's pretty big.

- Hey, there. Want a lift? - Oh, no, thanks.

I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television.

Ah.

Good luck.

Movin' right along We're truly birds of a feather

We're in this together

And we know where we're goin'

Movie stars with flashy cars and life with the top down

We're stormin' the big town

Yeah, storm is right. Should it be snowing?

No, I don't think so.

Movin' right along

Footloose and fancy-free

You're ready for the big time

Is it ready for me?

Movin' right along

Movin' right along

Movin' right along

Movin' right along

Hey.

Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead there.

There's one of those Doc Hopper billboards.

- Maybe you'd better pull over. - Yes, sir.

Oh, look at that.

Kermit, that's you.

You got the picture, boy? You see what I mean?

Kermit the Frog, symbol of Doc Hopper's French-fried frog legs.

Isn't that splendid? Just splendid. Just take a look at it.

All I can see are millions of frogs on tiny crutches.

Now, listen, boy. Don't you wanna be rich and famous?

- Not workin' for you, I don't. - That's right.

- Crutches? - Shut up, Max.

We're a small-time operation, but we're expandin'.

Expandin', just like you frogs expand.

Don't you frogs expand?

- That's a myth. - What?

Myth! Myth!

Yeth?

Huh?

- Come on, Bear. Burn rubber. - Yes, sir.

Hey, Frog!

That's the second time!

Max, I've done my best with that frog. Now's the time to do my worst.

- Open the door. - No! You open the door.

- What? - I'm through, Doc. The frog is right.

You're asking him to do something terrible. I can't be a part of it.

It's a moral decision and I'll stand by it.

- I'll double your percentage. - I'll open the door.

Kermit, where are we?

Well, let's see.

We were just traveling down this little black line here.

And we just crossed that little red line over here.

Well, how about... Let's take the blue line, huh?

- No, we can't take that. That's a river. - Oh, I knew that.

- Yeah, sure. - Listen, Kermit, why don't we just go...

- Fozzie. Fozzie. - Huh. Yeah?

Who's driving?

- Look out! Stop! - No problem.

- Okay, back it up. - Ah, yes, sir.

- Fozzie, where did you learn to drive? - I took a correspondence course.

This looks like a nice quiet spot.

Uh-huh.

Boy, it feels like we've been driving for days.

Yeah. Funny, I'm still wide awake.

Yeah, me, too.

Me, too.

What? What? What? I'm up, I'm up.

What's that?

They don't look like Presbyterians to me.

Hey, cool it, everybody.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Our gentle mornin' melodies have attracted wanderin' admirers.

- Hey, who are you guys? - We am, is, are and be

they whom as are known as the Electric Mayhem.

For sure.

He's Dr. Teeth.

Golden teeth and golden tones. Welcome to my presence.

- Thank you. - Fozzie.

- I'm Floyd, I blow bass. - And I'm...

I'm...

Zoot. Sax is your ax.

Uh-oh. Zoot's skipped a groove again.

Wow, like, I'm Janice. I'm lead guitar, for surely.

Oh, yeah. That's Animal. Show 'em what you do, Animal.

I want to eat drums.

No, no. Beat drums, beat drums.

Beat drums. Beat drums.

- Down, Animal. Back. Sit. - Down. Back. Sit.

Hey, don't forget about me.

I'm Scooter, the band's road manager.

Oh, yeah. The road manager. We couldn't go anywhere without him.

- He's the man with the contacts? - No, he's the man with the van.

Yeah, we're takin' this old church and turnin' it into a coffeehouse.

Yeah, with real good music and organic refreshments.

It'll be so fine and laid-back and mellow and profitable.

Profitable.

Yeah, but what brings you dudes here?

Listen, see, Kermit here, he was living in the swamp...

- Fozzie. - ...and then a fisherman came along.

Fozzie, you can't tell 'em the whole story.

You'll bore the audience.

Oh, sorry.

But, Kermit, the band here wants to know.

Well, let 'em read the screenplay.

Ah! Yes, sir.

Uh...

You see, it starts here on page one.

The Muppet Movie, huh?

Hmm. Let's see.

"Exterior. Swamp. Day. In a long helicopter shot,

"we discover Kermit the Frog playin' his banjo and singin'.

"A Hollywood agent starts the frog travelin' west.

"Doc Hopper comes on strong and they get to this church.

"Interior. Church. Day.

"Fozzie. 'They don't look like Presbyterians to me.'

"Kermit and Fozzie come walkin' down the aisle

"to the thunderously loud music of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem."

- Which am us. - For sure, for sure.

This is a narrative of very heavy-duty proportions.

Yeah. Cosmic, man.

We gotta keep his little froggy self away from this Hopper dude.

Too true, too true.

It is indeed a problem for us to probosculate upon.

But it seems to me that the frog and the bear are temporarily out of service.

Oh, wow, like, what can we do to help them?

- Well, if this were the movies... - Which it is.

we'd think of a clever plot device.

Like disguising their car so they won't be recognized.

Right. Two, three, four.

Oh, yeah!

Whoo!

All right.

Everybody's lover, everybody's brother

I wanna be your lifetime friend

Crazy as a rocket, nothin' in my pocket

I'll keep it at the rainbow's end

I never think of money I think of milk and honey

Grinnin' like a Cheshire cat

I focus on the pleasure Somethin' I can treasure

Can you picture that?

Can you picture that?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Floyd. Take a verse.

Let me take your picture Add it to the mixture

There it is, I got you now

Really nothin' to it, anyone can do it

It's easy and we all know how

Now begins the changin' Mental rearrangin'

Nothin's really where it's at

Now the Eiffel Tower's holdin' up a flower

I gave it to a Texas cat

Fact is there's nothin' out there you can't do

Yeah, even Santa Claus believes in you

Beat down the walls Begin, believe, begat

Be a better drummer Be an up-and-comer

Can you picture that?

Can you picture that?

Only what you got

All of us are winnin' Pickin' and a-grinnin'

Lordy, but I love to jam

Jelly-belly gigglin' Dancin' and a-wigglin'

Honey, that's the way I am

I lost my heart in Texas Northern lights affects us

I keep it underneath my hat

Aurora Borealis Shinin' down on Dallas

Can you picture that?

Can you picture that?

Can you picture?

You gotta see it in your mind

Can you picture?

You know it's quick and easy to find

Can you picture?

You don't have to buy a frame

Can you picture?

Can you picture that?

Can you picture that?

- Use it if you need it - Don't forget to feed it

Can you picture that?

Great job.

Doc Hopper will never recognize you now.

- I don't know how to thank you guys. - I don't know why to thank you guys.

Our pleasure, green stuff.

Are you sure you won't come with us to Hollywood?

Can't, baby, but when you get rich and famous,

maybe we'll show up and exploit your wealth.

Movin' right along, Fozzie.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Hollywood! Hollywood!

Hollywood!

Hollywood! Hollywood! Hollywood!

Remember, this frog does everything.

He talks, he sings, he dances.

He tells jokes. He even rides a bicycle.

Max, find me a frog and a bear in a tan Studebaker.

Gee, Doc. All I can see

is a frog and a bear in a rainbow-colored Studebaker.

What?

What?

- Fozzie, they're right behind us. - I know, I know.

- Well, how did they recognize us? - They recognized you.

- What do you mean? - There's a hundred bears around.

I'm gaining on 'em, Doc. I'm gaining on 'em.

- Can't you drive any faster? - No, sir.

There's a sign up ahead there. Pull in front of that.

- Move. Now duck. - What?

- Get down, Fozzie. - Yes, sir.

Aha!

Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Oh, I tell you, Camilla, great plumbers are born, not made.

I'm a prince of plunger, fair maiden.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do that. But first, wait till we get there.

Fozzie, look at that funny little truck.

Yeah, it's cute, huh?

No, it's coming straight at us.

We're gonna hit.

We missed it.

Oh, you call that a miss?

Well, I'm getting in your car.

Oh, boy.

You guys okay?

Why are you hopping up and down?

Because I'm hopping mad.

Guy's got a sense of humor.

- Hey, why don't you join us? - Where are you going?

- We're following our dream. - Really? I have a dream, too.

- Huh? - But you'll think it's stupid.

- No, I won't. - Tell us, tell us.

Well, I wanna go to Bombay, India and become a movie star.

Ah.

You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star.

You go where we're going, Hollywood.

Sure, if you wanna do it the easy way.

We picked up a weirdo.

Hey, look up ahead. There's Mad Man Mooney's.

- What's that? - It's a used-car lot.

I think we can trade in both these old cars and get one big one.

Wait. Trade in my uncle's Studebaker?

Sure.

Oh, when he wakes up, he'll kill me.

You're swinging this turn very wide, Fozzie.

Well, hold it, will you? Just... Here we go. Up the bump.

There we go. Hold on. All right.

Pull up ahead there.

- Look at these cars. - Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.

- Are you gonna sell my plunger, too? - There's all kinds of great cars.

No, he's not gonna sell your plunger.

Look at 'em up there. Pull it up a little further here, Fozzie.

Where should I stop?

- How should I stop? - A little bit farther.

- Easy, easy. - Okay. Here?

- Everybody out of the car. - Okay. Chickens first.

Oh, my dear friends. Welcome to Mad Man Mooney's hubcap heaven.

Today... Today is your lucky day.

- It is? - Yes, it is. You, for example...

- You're driving the wrong car. - I am?

I can put you in this German street machine for only $2,000,

less a $12 trade-in on your old vehicle.

Now, this... This car is one of the greatest...

Detachable fenders for narrow garages.

No, thanks.

Hey, what is this pile of... Jack, get rid of this heap.

Come out here!

- What? What? - What's the matter with you?

- That's my jack. - Oh, hi, Jack.

Jack not name. Jack job.

How many times have I told you not to talk to the customers?

- Gee, I know, but... - Just move this.

Move it. You understand?

Wow. Ah!

But seriously, friends,

Mad Man Mooney doesn't believe in all that dealing and wheeling.

No, the price on the sticker is the price you pay.

And never more and never less.

Ha.

We'll take that one for $11.95.

What?

Less our $12 trade-in. You owe us a nickel.

Oh, thank you very much. Hey, we're all going to Hollywood.

- Do you wanna come with us? - Hollywood?

That's strange, he just ran away. Well, movin' right along, Fozzie.

Yes, sir.

Hey, watch where you're going now, Fozzie.

Yes, sir.

Hey!

Hey, where are you goin'? Hey! Wait for me.

I wanna go to Hollywood. Hey, wait for me!

Come on, guys. Wait! Please!

I wanna go to Hollywood.

Testing, one, two, three. Testing. Can you hear me?

Well, it's time to announce

the winner of this year's Bogen County beauty pageant.

We sure grow 'em purdy around here, don't we?

All right. Here they are.

- The first runner-up... - What's over there, Kermit?

- is Debbie-Sue Anderson. - Over there. See?

Ah! Nice-looking girls, huh?

- Wow. Nice-looking chickens. - What?

- Oh, no hard feelings, honey. - Before announcing the winner,

I think we should thank the judges of today's contest,

Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy.

You're not gonna believe who the winner is, folks.

- Come, now, Charlie. It's their movie. - So it is. So it is.

And here she is, folks. This year's Miss Bogen County...

Miss Piggy!

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Thank you.

Wow, it's a pig. Did you see that?

Thank you, everyone. Thank you.

Oh. Oh, Debbie-Sue.

Oh, Elma-Jane.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ohh.

Thank you. Oh, oh, thank you.

Oh, kissy-kissy. Kissy-kissy. Oh, thank you. Oh.

- Kermit, you know... - Not... Not right now, Fozzie.

I just want to say one thing.

This is the happiest moment of my...

Never before

Have two souls joined so freely

And so fast

For me this is the first time

And the last

Is this an angel's wish

For men?

Never before

And never again

And where to find the words

To sing its worth

This love was bound for heaven

Not for Earth

This love was meant

To light the stars

But when we touched

We made it ours

And could they take it back?

Oh, no, they wouldn't dare

Why should they take it back

When there's enough

To share with all the world

And fill the heavens above

With leftover love?

Never before

A love that keeps on growing

On and on

To fill each lover's heart

And light the dawn

Is this an angel's wish

For men?

Never before

And never again

Never before

And never again

- Oh, oh. - Thanks. Excuse me.

- Oh, yes. Of course. - Yeah.

Listen, congratulations on winning the beauty contest.

Thank you. Of course, normally, I don't do anything so trivial.

- I am an actress-model. - Oh, is that right?

Well... I... I'm gonna be a performer, too.

Oh.

Hey, Kermit. Who's the cute-lookin' pig?

I beg your pardon.

If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.

Gonzo.

Hey, I thought we were gonna go get some ice cream.

Oh, well, in a minute. I'll join you.

Um...

Well...

What are you doing in town, short, green and handsome?

Well... We're headed west.

- Really? - Yeah, but...

You know, I really should join my friends for ice cream.

Oh.

You... You wanna come along?

Me? You mean it? Oh.

I'll be right back. Oh, oh.

Don't move.

Hmm.

Hello. I'd like an ice cream.

What do you want? Chocolate, vanilla, coffee, peach fudge, rum, banana?

- Honey. - Honey?

I beg your pardon. I hardly know you.

Ah.

But seriously, I'd like a honey ice cream cone for me.

And a dragonfly ripple for my friend, the frog.

Okay. One honey cone for the bear.

- And one dragonfly ripple for the frog. - Ugh!

- Don't get 'em mixed up. - Gotcha.

All right, all right, Camilla.

I'll get you a balloon, but you have to pick the color.

Red or green?

- Can I give you a word of advice? - What?

Why not take both?

What a wild idea.

Yeah. A beautiful chicken like that deserves two balloons.

- You're right. - I have guys come in all the time.

Sometimes they get a bunch of balloons for their girls.

- They go gaga for it. - Gaga? I'll take the whole bunch.

Gaga. Gaga. Aw.

Gonzo?

Wonder...

Where they went? Fozzie?

Kermit. Kermit.

Hey, Kermit. Hey. Where's your pig friend?

Well, I'm not really sure. She said she was coming for ice cream, but...

Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo.

Here I am. Here I am.

- I'm packed. I'm packed. - Yeah, so I see.

What for?

You said I could come with you.

Yeah, but... To buy ice cream, not to Hollywood.

- We're going to Hollywood? - No. I mean, listen...

When I... When I said... I mean, well, when you heard...

Oh, brother.

Oh! Oh!

What? Gonzo?

- Gonzo! What are you doing? - What?

About seven knots.

- We'll follow you. To the car. - Yes, sir.

Gonzo, we're coming!

- Step on it, Fozzie! - Yes, sir.

Oh, Kermit. You're a born leader.

Now, where is he?

Isn't this great? Here I am floating in space.

This is the place to be.

Whoopee!

- Fozzie. - Yes.

- Bear left. - What?

- Bear left. - Right, Frog.

- What? That's cute. - Never mind.

This is... Look at our little car down there.

Oh, this is like flying.

Hey, this is flying.

I'm flying! Whoopee!

Doc, isn't that a frog up there?

No, that's a frog down here.

He's caught in a crosswind, Fozzie. We're gonna lose him.

Oh, no.

- Oh, what are you doin', Doc? - I'm goin' after the tires.

We're okay now. The Wind's shifted.

- Wait a minute. Stay with him, Fozzie. - Yeah.

- He's right above us. - Whoo-hoo!

- He's okay. - Yeah. Hi, Gonzo.

- Fozzie, come back in here. - What?

- Come back in here. - Yes, sir.

Oh!

Why don't you stay on the road?

Kermit!

Look out for the billboard.

No!

- Take off, Fozzie. - Yes, sir.

Come back, you!

No frog's gonna make a monkey out of me!

I'm back.

I don't understand any of this.

I just gotta catch up with those guys.

Kermit, you were so courageous.

So magnificent.

- Gee, I don't know what to say. - Say the bear was magnificent.

After all, I did the driving.

And I took a 100-foot belly flop onto a moving car.

Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command.

- Gee. - Oh, brother.

Um...

Why don't we stop somewhere for the night

and have a quiet little dinner...

For two?

Terrific! I'll eat with you, Miss Piggy.

Not you, buzzard beak.

Just mon capitaine

and moi.

Well... That... That might be nice.

Oh. Wow.

Good evening, Miss Piggy.

You look lovely tonight.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry if I kept you waiting.

Oh, it... It was worth it.

How charming of vous.

I... I took the liberty of ordering us some wine.

Mmm.

Oh, waiter.

Yes?

May I help you?

The... The wine, please.

Mmm.

You mad, impetuous thing. It's champagne.

Not exactly. Sparkling muscatel.

One of the finest wines of Idaho.

Well, you may serve us now, please.

Oh, may I?

- Look how he does that. - Yep.

- Very suave. - Mmm.

Don't you want to smell the bottle cap?

Oh.

- Mmm-hmm. Smells good. - Mmm. Yes.

- Would you like to taste it first? - Well...

I think he's supposed to.

Would you taste it for us, please?

Ugh!

- Excellent choice. - Should be for 95 cents.

Hmm.

- And may we have straws, please? - Yes. I expected that.

Thank you. That'll be all for now.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

- Here's to you, Miss Piggy. - Oh.

Drink up.

Oh.

Makes me giggly.

The wine?

Everything.

It's a beautiful evening, isn't it?

Mmm-hmm.

The moon is just lovely.

Mmm-hmm.

You know, Miss Piggy, the moon doesn't look like you.

- Miss Piggy. - Hmm.

Miss Piggy.

- Are you Miss Piggy? - Yes.

- Telephone. - Oh.

Uh... Oh...

Kermie, I did place one phone call to my agent.

It'll only be an eensy-teensy moment.

What the hey?

Evenin'. Rowlf, Rowlf the Dog.

Sit yourself down.

- Kermit, Kermit the Frog. - Pleased to meet you.

I'm no Heifetz, but I get by.

That was... That was very nice.

Oh.

A broken heart, right?

- Does it show? - Listen.

When you've been ticklin' the ivories as long as I have,

you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain,

a shattered dream for every fallen star.

Exactly. She just walked out on me.

Yeah? Typical. That's why I live alone.

- You do, huh? - You bet.

I finish work, I go home, read a book,

have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.

Nice and simple.

Stay away from women, that's my motto.

- But I can't. - Neither can I. That's my trouble.

You can't live with 'em

You can't live without 'em

There's somethin' irresistible-ish about 'em

We grin and bear it 'cause the nights are long

I hope that somethin' better comes along

I see what you mean.

It's no good complainin'

And pointless to holler

If she's a beauty She'll get under your collar

She made a monkey out of old King Kong

I hope that somethin' better comes along

Still, it's fun when they're fetchin'

And agree to see an etching that you keep at your lily pad

There is no solution It's part of evolution

The pitter-patter of souls The little feet of tadpoles

Rowlf, tadpoles don't have feet.

Oh, sorry about that. Two, three, four.

There's no limitation to mixin' and matchin'

Some get an itchin' for a critter they've been scratchin'

A skunk was badgered The results were strong

I hope that somethin' better

I hope that somethin' better

I hope that somethin' better comes along

Phone call for Kermit the Frog.

- Are you Kermit the Frog? - Yeah.

Phone.

Huh.

It's not often you see a guy that green have the blues that bad.

- Hello. - Kermie, please...

- Piggy, is that you? - Yes, that's her.

And this is Doc Hopper. You listen, Frog. And listen good.

Step outside the motel right now.

My guys will meet you there.

Well... What if I don't?

Then your girlfriend will be ham-hocked by breakfast.

Kermie. Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Uh, uh...

Are you the guys I'm supposed to meet?

That's good, Glen. That's good. That's nice and tight.

- The Professor's here, Doc. - Show him in. Show him in.

Kermie, I'm not a bit worried.

I know you're planning something bold and clever.

Well, I got us this far, didn't I?

- How are you? - Ah, Professor Krassman.

It's good to see you, Doc, you little rustic devil, you.

Where's my victim?

I mean, patient?

Step this way, Professor. Let me introduce you to your patient.

Professor Krassman is the world's

leadin' authority on mind control in frogs.

It's a very rapidly growing field. You like garlic, don't you?

Tell us what you're gonna do to our little Kermit.

Well, we're going to perform an electronic cerebrectomy.

- Hmm? - A what?

Electronic cerebrectomy.

What's that?

It's something so sensational that you'll have to hold on to your hat.

Yes?

When a German scientist says, "Hold on to your hat,"

it's not casual conversation.

Hold on to your hat! Hat! Hold! Good.

Now, what we're going to do is bring out a machine that's going to wow you.

Bertram! Bertram, you... Bring out the machine!

Wait till you see this. You think we're sleeping in Dusseldorf?

You think we're taking a nap in Cologne?

No, we're working at night. Each night a new dial, a new knob...

Electronic...

Cerebrectomy, cerebrectomy. Electronic cerebrectomy.

- What does it do? - What does it do? What does it do?

It turns the brains into guacamole.

First of all, I'll pull out of this, okay?

Wonderful.

Second?

Halt! Argh!

I detest the surfeit of provincial laughter.

Now, we take your friend, the little F-O-R-G,

put him in the chair, clamp on the terminals,

drop the electronic yarmulke,

and throw, what we call in German, the switch.

Yes, you little green devil. Soon it'll be a hot time for the old skull tonight.

Thank you, Herr Machine.

Now, the frog will do your bidding. He will do your every whim, your every wish.

He will do your television commercial, yes.

He will sell your frogs' legs.

- Zaparoonie. - Head full of jelly.

- A noggin full of library paste. - Let's fry them brains!

Professor Krassman, you've got a fun job.

I love it, I love it.

If I can inflict a little pain during the afternoon, I sleep good at night.

- Well, we'll let you get on with it, then. - My pleasure.

Max.

I'll be back later to pick up what's left of the frog.

What's left of the frog?

You can have everything, excuse the brain.

All right. Bring over the frog.

Oh, Kermie.

Whatever happens next,

I wouldn't give up this evening together for anything.

- Would you? - Make me an offer.

Oh, Kermie.

- Hey. - Okay.

I got him. I got him.

Good, good, good, good, good.

And why don't we take a little seat, Kermit?

Hands down.

Get the feet into place.

Will you stop whimpering? Go out like a frog, not a little toad.

Okay, Herr Machine. This is big time here.

Ready to go to work? Hand clamps!

Foot clamps!

You can struggle all you want now, frog.

It'll do you very little good.

All right. And now it's time to drop the electronic beanie.

Soon, there'll be enough voltage coursing through your little frog brain

to light up Cincinnati.

Oh, please, please. Not my frog. Please!

- Say goodbye to the frog, pig. - Why should I?

Because in 10 seconds, he won't know you from kosher bacon.

That does it!

Hi-yah!

Hi! Hi!

Hi-yah!

Hii-yah!

Hii-yah!

Hii-yah! Hi! Hi!

Hii-yah!

Hi-yah!

What the heck's goin' on here? A pig that goes bananas?

What is this? A luau?

- Where'd she go? - Oh, boys.

- There she is. - Get her!

I must reach the switch. I must...

- Switch. I must reach... - Oh, no.

Hi-yah!

- Now, Kermie. - Oh, thank you.

Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

Well...

Shall we go now, Kermie?

Well...

Just a second.

Hello.

- Piggy, it's your agent. - Ooh.

Thank you.

Yeah, Morty, what have you got?

Commercial?

How much? Mmm-hmm.

When?

Take it.

Um.

Goodbye.

- What's going on? - Hey, what happened?

Irritated!

Irritated!

Don't worry, Animal. Your big scene is coming up.

Yeah, yeah. Just be cool and eat another seat cushion.

Seat cushion!

Well, how do you like the film?

I've seen detergents that leave a better film than this.

Well, I don't care what anybody else says.

I'm having a great time.

Oh, good.

Der flim is okey-dokey.

- Good. Roll film. - Flim is rolling.

- Quiet. - Quiet.

Quiet, Gonzo.

- This is the patriotic part. - Should we stand up?

No.

O beautiful for spacious skies

For amber waves of grain

For purple mountain majesties

Above the fruited plains

America, America

God shed his grace on thee

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea

Patriotism swells in the heart of the American bear.

Hold it, boys. Hold it!

Hold your fire!

Boys, no reflection on the job you've been doin',

but I decided to bring in a specialist.

Now, boys, this is Snake Walker.

Tell 'em what you do, Snake.

Kill frogs.

How long is it to Hollywood?

We gotta be there by tomorrow.

Hey, Kermit. Are you gonna get an agent like that pig had?

Gonzo, you know he's touchy about that.

- Hey, who's that? - I don't believe that.

- Piggy? - Kermit.

Kermit.

- That's Piggy. - Yeah, I know.

Hey, do you think we should help her with her bag?

- No. - Kermie.

Kermie, what an unbelievable coincidence.

Hmm.

Hello again. It's me.

Would you hold my vanity case? Hi-yah!

- Well. - Well, what?

So much has happened to me since I saw you last.

- Yeah, sure. - Frankly, Miss Piggy, I don't give a hoot.

My name is Rowlf the Dog and I was playing the piano... Oh, never mind.

- Kermie. - Yeah?

- I missed you. - Yeah.

Don't I get one kissy-kissy?

Uh, no, I... I don't think so, Miss Piggy.

Just one little hug.

Hmmm.

- Oh, Piggy. - Kermie.

You've been listenin' to music to hug frogs by.

And this is Doc Hopper sayin' that

if Kermit the Frog don't stop right now and call me,

and agree to be my national spokesman, he will soon be a frog burger.

Kermie. Ah!

We'll be okay.

Mon capitaine.

- Oh, boy. Yeah, what? - Fozzie?

No problem. It's okay, it's okay.

No problem. Okay, all right.

- Listen... - Oh, boy.

Oh, we're in trouble.

I wish I still had my Studebaker.

Probably somethin' broken about the engine, I think.

Hey, don't worry. Someone's bound to come along.

Well, I guess we blew it, huh, Gonzo?

Yeah.

But the sky sure is beautiful out here.

Look at that.

We...

We're gonna miss the auditions tomorrow, right?

Kermit?

Boy, you could get lost in a sky like that.

I wish I had those balloons again.

So much for Hollywood.

Listen, gang. I never promised we'd make it.

I never promised anything.

This looks familiar

Vaguely familiar

Almost unreal, yet

It's too soon to feel yet

Close to my soul

And yet so far away

I'm going to go back there someday

Sun rises, night falls

Sometimes the sky calls

Is that a song there?

And do I belong there?

I've never been there

But I know the way

I'm going to go back there someday

Come and go with me

It's more fun to share

We'll both be completely

At home in midair

We're flyin', not walking

On featherless wings

We can hold on to love

Like invisible strings

There's not a word yet

For old friends who've just met

Part heaven, part space

Or have I found my place?

You can just visit

But I plan to stay

I'm going to go back there

Someday

I'm going to go back there

Someday

I didn't promise anybody anything.

What do I know about Hollywood anyway?

Just the dreams I got from sitting through too many double features.

So, why did you leave the swamp in the first place?

'Cause some agent fella said I had talent.

He probably says that to everybody.

On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp,

you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.

Yeah, but then it would just be me feeling miserable.

Now I got a lady pig and a bear,

and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is.

He's a little like a turkey.

Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.

No, I guess not.

Anyhow, I brought 'em all out here into the middle of nowhere.

It's all my fault.

Still, whether you promised them something or not,

you gotta remember they wanted to come.

But that's because they believed in me.

No, they believed in the dream.

- Well, so do I, but... - You do?

Yeah. Of course I do.

- Well, then? - Well, then...

I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone.

I promised me.

Hey. Now, wait a minute.

Hey, what... What's happening?

At the moment, we're what's happening.

Oh, great. Wonderful. Yeah.

Zoot, hey, Zoot.

Hold it, hold it.

Animal, cool it back there.

Yeah.

All right, yeah.

Hey, listen, it's wonderful to see you guys,

but how did you ever find us?

Oh, easy. We just read the screenplay you left us.

"Exterior. Desert. Night." We knew right where you were.

Like, can you get behind it?

Hey, listen. When do you dudes have to be at that audition?

2:00 tomorrow afternoon.

Well, climb aboard the bus. We'll have breakfast at Hollywood and Vine.

Movin' right along

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

Movin' right along

Kermie, whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

Motorcycle cop.

Motorcycle cop is a sweet nothing?

A motorcycle cop is chasing us.

- Hey, Dr. Teeth, you better pull over. - Hey, easier done than said.

Uh-Oh.

Drag city.

What do we do now, huh?

Oh, dear.

Hey, hey. The man with the badge.

The police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I...

- Don't you dare! - I wouldn't think of it.

Did we do something wrong, Officer?

- Kermit, it's him. - Okay, gang. Let him explain.

This whole disguise is only so I could warn you.

Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.

I never thought that Doc was gonna hurt Kermit.

I only thought he was gonna lean on him a little.

But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast,

and the man is deadly.

Oh, no, Kermit. What are we gonna do?

- It's time to beat feet, green stuff. - Let's get out of here, Kermit.

I love it. Chase music is one of our best riffs.

Hold it, Dr. Teeth. What's up ahead?

- It's only an old ghost town. - Fine.

Listen, you go back and tell Doc Hopper I'll be waiting for him there.

- What? - What?

- Kermit, you'll get killed. - Oh, please, no.

- Kermit, you can't do that. - Now, listen, guys.

Listen, I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully.

It's time for a showdown.

Showdown! Showdown!

Uh, hey, listen, I'm gonna check things out.

- Everybody stay in the bus, okay? - Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Kermit. Can I take Animal for a walk?

He needs some exercise.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

What is that?

That's one of my latest inventions. A musical rotating rain barrel.

Oh, oh, yeah.

You see, I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and this is my assistant, Beaker.

We live here perfecting useful inventions.

Come in, come in.

Welcome to our laboratory.

Please don't touch anything.

Uh...

- Is this the only street into town? - Yes, yes.

Hey, what are you dudes doin' in here?

I'm so glad you asked. We're perfecting our latest invention.

Insta-Grow pills.

Yeah, well, what in the name of Fats Waller is that?

A 4-foot prune.

A 4-foot prune?

Yeah, man, well, what else do these pills make big?

Oh, they work on anything, but the effect is sadly temporary.

Sadly temporary.

Oh, no!

Hey, Kermit. Here comes Doc Hopper.

I know. I'll be ready for him.

Okay, Frog. Where are you?

I'm here. I'll meet you in the middle of the street.

Oh, yeah?

Man to frog.

- All right, Hopper. - All right, Frog.

One last chance.

You gonna do my TV commercials live or stuffed?

Hopper, what's the matter with you?

You gotta be crazy, chasin' me halfway across the country.

Why are you doing this to me?

'Cause all my life, I wanted to own a thousand frog leg restaurants,

and you're the key, greenie.

Yeah, well, I've got a dream, too.

But it's about singing and dancing and making people happy.

That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with.

And, well, I've found a whole bunch of friends who have the same dream.

And...

And it kind of makes us like a family.

Do you have anybody like that, Hopper?

I mean, once you get all those restaurants,

who are you gonna share it with?

Who are your friends, Doc? Those guys?

Max.

I got lots of friends.

Max, for instance.

- Max. - I don't think you're a bad man, Doc.

And I think if you look in your heart,

you'll find you really wanna let me and my friends go to follow our dreams.

But if that's not the kind of man you are,

or what I'm saying doesn't make any sense to you,

well, then, go ahead and kill me.

All right, boys.

Kill him.

No, wait, please.

Animal!

Ha! Ha, ha, ha!

Everybody, on to Hollywood.

Yay!

Wow! Wicked!

Yeah, next stop is Hollywood and Vine.

Look at the ocean. The ocean.

Yes, Mr. Lord. I'll have those deal numbers for you in a jiffy.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Lord can't be disturbed by anyone.

He's packaging a blockbuster. Mmm-hmm.

- Ah, Kermie, look, it's wonderful. - Yeah.

Like a dream come true.

Well, don't count your tadpoles until they're hatched.

I still have to audition, you know.

Hey, there ain't nothin' to it, but to do it.

And where do you think you're going?

Oh, hi, there. I'm going to audition for Lew Lord.

You can't just walk in here off the street, you know.

Especially not with all these animals.

Animals? What's wrong with animals?

Animal!

This is a movie studio, not a zoo!

Besides...

I'm allergic to animal hair.

Now, get along, all of you.

No. Wait a second. See here, miss.

I may not be one of your fancy Hollywood frogs, but I deserve a chance.

And we're gonna stay right here in this office until you let us in to see Lew Lord.

- Aren't we, gang, huh? - Yes!

- What he says. - Yeah, come on.

We'll just sit right down and wait.

Hello, security, it's Miss Tracey.

I wanna report a...

Shake. Shake. Shake, everyone.

That's it.

Good, good, good. Do it.

- Yeah, go get 'em, Animal. - Way to go.

Allergies are nothing to sneeze at.

I'm allergic to cats myself.

That's it, Rowlf.

We got it.

Wow.

Yeah, all right.

- Okay, way to go, guys. - All right.

Thanks, miss.

Well, friends,

this is it.

Uh, Mr. Lord,

forgive the interruption, but I'm here to audition.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

We've come over 2,000 miles...

Uh, oh, boy.

Kermie, we're all with you.

Please, sir. My name is Kermit the Frog, and we read your ad and...

Well, we've come to be rich and famous.

Miss Tracey.

Prepare the standard "Rich and Famous" contract

for Kermit the Frog and company.

Yes. We did it. We did it.

I can't believe it.

Oh, just look at all this.

How did a frog make the big time?

It starts when we're kids

A show-off at school

Makin' faces at friends

You're a clown and a fool

Doin' pratfalls and bird calls and bad imitations

Ignoring your homework Now that's dedication

You work to the mirror

You're getting standing ovations

You're burning with hope

You're building up steam

What was once juvenile-ish

Is grown-up and stylish

You're close to your dream

And somebody out there loves you

Stands up and hollers for more

More!

You've found a home at the magic store

Right, everybody. Production number, okay?

- Off the trucks and on the job. - On the job!

Hey, whoa, halt, cease, stop.

Wow, let's do it.

- Do what? - The movie.

Yes, sir. A foot stomper.

- Makeup. - Yes, let's do it. Yes.

Hey, Fozzie, take those wagons out of there.

Yes, sir. I'm off.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Scenery over there, right?

Movin' right along. Hey!

Hey, those are the trees for the swamp.

Mellow and profitable.

Wacka, wacka.

- Let's make a scene. - Okay, hon.

- Watch the tree, Rowlf. - Careful, Scooter.

Ow.

Watch it!

- Miss Piggy, you look beautiful. - Thank you.

Hollywood talk.

Wa ha ha ha.

Wa ha ha ha ha.

- Good. - Wa ha!

The lights. Yeah.

Good. Save those arcs.

Ha, ha.

Crazy Harry plays with electricity!

Sound is ready. Give me a level.

Testing!

Rolling.

Okay, everybody. Stay in focus, huh?

Okay, Muppet Movie, scene 1A, take one.

- Makeup ready. - Scenery ready.

- Sound is rolling. - Camera's rollin'.

All ready, Kermie.

Okay, standby. Here we go.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

That's part of what rainbows do

Rainbows are memories

Sweet dream reminders

What is it you'd like to do?

All of us watching and wishing we'd find it

I've noticed you're watching, too

Someday you'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and...

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Kermit.

Life's like a movie Write your own ending

Keep believing, keep pretending

We've done just what we've set out to do

Thanks to the lovers

The dreamers

And you

I just knew I'd catch up with you guys.

- What did you think? - It was sick and weird.

Kermit, it went swell. It went great, boss.

Congratulations, Mr. the Frog.

You can be in the next one, Lew.

Great show.

Oh, wow.

Woman!

- Did you like my close-up? - Oh, yes.

Did you like my song? How about my karate?

Kermit. Oh, Kermie.

Was I funny? Was I funny, anybody?

Fozzie, you were very, very funny.

Just great.

Go home! Go home!

Bye-bye.