Original subtitles

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[reggae music playing]

[Bubbles] It began like every other Sunday.

I woke up in the middle of a football field

wondering how the fuck I ever got there.

[footballers shouting]

I was the captain of a team with no manager,

no mission statement,

just getting crucified

like it was the most natural thing in the world.

That Sunday, we were playing at home

against our arch rivals Shantalla United.

A shower of cocky bastards from the other side

-of the motorway. -[reggae music continues]

As always, Hopper, the team shop steward,

was defending civilization as we knew it.

Bubbles! Get up off your ass and get back here!

Speedy, come back! Level with the line!

[Bubbles] Mick, the professor, was already

identifying the strategic possibilities.

Come back! Come back! The fuck you doing out there?

[Bubbles] Jake, the joker,

was proving that comic timing is everything.

-Ah, shit! -You're mine. Come on.

-[Bubbles] Trampis... -Trampis!

...the goalkeeper, was still a waste of fucking space.

[Trampis] I'm the only fucking one on this team, am I?

Where was the defence, huh?

You let in one more, and I'm gonna bleeding bust ya.

You tell him, grand.

Yes, Danny was still a father figure.

An inspiration to a whole new generation

of players like Robbo,

still out there working on his solo career.

Am I the only one on this fucking field?

[indistinct shouting]

-[Bubbles] Like Virgil Madigan.-Alright, Virgil?

Pebbles, have we scored yet?

Still standing in midfield waiting for the spaceship.

Here. Jake, Jake, here.

[reggae music continues]

[Bubbles] Or Kevin Hennessy, the local chemist...

Bubbles!

...who suffers from ballphobia.

Or Tosh. Ace striker, local stud.

A player so committed, he comes direct from the nightclub.

-Have I missed much? -I don't know, Tosh.

-It's the first half. -Speedy!

And then there's Speedy,

the world's greatest footballer,

only nobody know it yet.

[whistle blows]

Except the crows, our only supporters,

who never miss a home game.

Even if the scavengers have seen better days.

And that Sunday was no different

until Isaiah the prophet came running out

of the wilderness to save us.

The Saviour is coming!

The Saviour is coming!

Oh, don't fucking tell me he's back.

...Christ lives forever!

I thought he was dead.

Any chance of a game, boys?

-Give us a game. Come on. -Go. That's enough of ya! Off!

That day, Isaiah urged us to fight our way out of Egypt.

And we answered the call and gave it a lash.

I'm bleeding waiting for you. Come on!

[whistle blowing]

[clamoring]

[indistinct shouting]

Mr. Duffy took all our names, addresses, and blood types

-[shouts] -Trampis gaveit socks.

In fact, Trampis played a blinder.

Hopper tended his resignation.

The crows went home pissed off.

And I knew that I too was sick of this game.

By the time Trampis had conceded a record eight goals,

I'd accepted that we were no longer a team.

And that I was never the player I thought I was.

I want a transfer!

Yeah, well, they're getting a real up the hole.

-Hey, leave him alone. -This tosser was your idea.

Yeah, do you have someone better in mind?

[Robbie] You are fired.

-He stays. -If he stays, I'm leaving.

I'm the one leaving this fucking team.

And before I go, professor,

was that a moral victory or a heroic defeat?

We was hoping to finish honorably with 11 players.

Yeah? Well, who was hoping to start with 11 players?

Fair fucks to you, we couldn't have done it without you.

You looking for a smack?

Kevin, do you know why that prophet's back out there?

-No. -Because the doctor's think

that watching you trying to play soccer

is more therapeutic trying to wank in a straight jacket.

Hopper! Another one of your recruits, captain.

Alright, lads, here the bad news is

we just reached the bottom of the league, yeah?

But the good news is

we're playing Bellevue Dynamo next week.

[cheering] Bellevue, we hate you!

That's it, girls. That's it, girls.

Make the fucking most of it.

Because the following week,

you's play St. Malachy's in the cup.

-St. Malachy's? -Oh, bollocks!

And they'll be feeding your virgin balls

to them crows out there.

-Malachy's? -Ah! Christ, no!

And you's can get yourselves another fucking sweeper

to tidy up the carnage because I'm off now, right.

Hey Hopper, where's your testimonial?

-As for you, Jake McCollum-- -[all] Ooh!

Lads, lads. Cut it out, will ya's.

Aye, aye captain.

Fuck's sake, Jake.

You're fucking captain.

Here, Robbo, get dressed.

We're playing St Malachy's in two weeks.

-I know. -Yeah.

This so-called captain has made shit of this team.

Just because you played big league football.

And he managed to fuck that up on the big day.

It's all yours, Robbo.

You don't like the way the team is run.

-You fucking do it then. -Bubbles, leave it, right.

Try it on. It does wonders for a man

who's got fuck all else to show for himself.

Yeah, is that right? Well, come on.

[all clamoring]

Everybody fucking relax!

[knocking on door]

Go if you're bleeding going.

Now work away, lads. Sure, I can wait here.

-Wait for what? -Are you looking for someone?

Er, secretary?

Yeah, that'd be the referee. She just left.

[chuckles]

Right, well, erm, the name is Keegan.

Look, bud, if you don't mind--

Walter Keegan, er, I'm here for the job.

All I can tell you is that I'm fit.

And, er, I work hard and I can start right away.

-I beg your pardon? -Danny, isn't it? How you doing?

Oh good Jesus, he doesn't waste any time, does he?

-Oh... -Hey, what fucking job?

-You're one of them. -Sorry. What's that?

-He's the developer. -Are you one of them bastards?

Don't tell me the fuckers are at it already.

Sorry, I don't know what--

Over my dead body. You touch one blade of grass out there--

You can build your houses somewhere else.

I... I don't build houses.

I don't care what they are. Get lost.

Er, look, well, I'm here for this.

The-- It says here that you're looking for a manager.

A what?

"Mayday, mayday."

"Mayday, mayday."

"Emmet Rovers seek manager with flair and personality."

"If you think you are such a person,

we would like to hear from you."

"No experience necessary, but...

a continental language would be desirable."

[laughs]

Who fucking put that in there?

[Kevin] Jesus, that's not what I wrote.

It's supposed to say, "Come quick, act now,

save the Rovers before they're never no more."

He must have changed it.

Who must have changed it?

-Tony Flynn. -Ah, for fuck's sake.

[all clamoring]

Look, Tony said he'd print it free of charge

I'm gonna bleeding kill that slob journalist.

Yeah, lovely.

So the local chemist who can't play football

says to the local journalist who can't write--

Alright lads, let's fucking calm down.

Just 'cos you, er, divvy out drugs, dickhead,

doesn't mean you can do what you like.

My boss is going to have a bleeding field day

with this rag.

That rag has a growing circulation--

Alright, at least he made a fucking effort, alright.

Look, you've a lot to discuss, so I'll leave you to it, okay.

Ah, mister.

We didn't say no or anything. I mean...

But we are now, so fuck off.

Right, nice meeting you, Robbo.

Have you seriously come about the job?

-If one exists. -So it's official now, is it?

-Yeah. -We have a manager.

Ah, we had. He fucked off.

He is on medical leave until such time

as they apologize for false imprisonment.

We'll discuss Archie another time.

Archie is not coming back.

Keegan, did you say?

-Walter Keegan. -This is all very sudden.

You wouldn't happen to be on day release by any chance, would ya?

-[all laugh] -Shut up!

Would you like to take a seat, Mr. Keegan?

Gentlemen, adjourn.

[ska music playing]

[crows squawking]

[indistinct chatter]

Shut up. Listen here, have you got a tumble dryer?

Pardon? No.

What sort of fucking manager is this?

What sort of question is that?

Walter. Are you going to use the sweeper, are you?

-Well, not all the-- Pardon? -How many times--

I have one, I have one!

Where do you see yourself in five years' time?

I'm not quite sure where I'll be in five years times, really.

And, you know, I'd like to see myself managing this team.

But that's if I get the job, of course.

And, er, ever done it before?

Er, no.

-Of course. -Ah, for fuck's sake.

Do you know how many disqualified candidates

with no previous experience, but--

The advertisement did specify none was required.

Have you even played football?

I've played, yeah. St. Mary's.

-St. Mary's. -Never fucking heard of them.

I've never seen this man before.

Like I say, I'm not from around here.

What exactly do you do for a living, Mr. Keegan?

-I sell. -Sell what?

A decent burial.

I, er... I beg your pardon?

It's life insurance, you know.

[all laughing]

This is no laughing matter.

Michael, would you mind not interrupting.

And why us?

Hopper, I thought you were leaving.

I'm reconsidering me resignation.

Now, why us?

Why not?

Yes, well, I think that more or less wraps it up.

-Wait a minute! -Terms are as follows.

You're getting one's month's probation

and one hour's notice if I don't like it.

-How is that? -Fair enough.

And if this is a hoax, I'll arrange

to have your legs broken. Fair enough?

-Fair enough. -Right.

All in favor, raise your hands.

-Carried. -Wha?!

-The job is yours. -Thank you.

-I resign. -See you next Sunday.

-Yeah, when do you's train? -Thursdays.

-Do we? -Ideal.

-Why, you thinking of going? -We play at seven.

Perfect, well I suppose I'll start

getting to know you's all then.

You've your tidying up to do.

-Yeah, that's your job. -As of next week.

All right. See you all Thursday.

Oh, and, er, thanks for the job. I won't let you's down.

-Yeah. -Yeah, good man.

-Good game. -[chuckles]

[indistinct] as well.

He must be fucking desperate.

[ska music playing]

[Isaiah] You are doomed. You buy more houses

and fields to add to those you already have.

Soon there will be nowhere left for anyone else to live

and you alone will live in the land.

By power the Lord Almighty say

all this space, fine houses will be empty ruins!

I just thought it'd be no harm just to go in--

Kevin!

-You could've fucking told me. -I know.

I'm sorry, Bubbles. I'm having marital problems.

And what's that got to do with it?

She walked out on me.

She said she married me 'cause a chemist should be

gardening at the weekends, not playing football

with the laughing stock of the community.

So I went into the newsletter. I put an ad in

for a hair replacement treatment and then for a new manager

and I had that breakdown and I just forgot about it.

Well, just count yourself lucky no one else

came looking for a job.

It worked though.

[Bubbles] Yeah. It worked.

Emmet Rovers had a new manager.

And I figured that it was time to go.

Next time, he can take down the shagging net.

[crows squawking]

Cause that Sunday I was hanging up me boots,

handing over the keys, and getting a life.

[birds chirping]

[ball bouncing]

-How's it going? -Uh...

I'm afraid you're too late, sorry.

What's that?

Eh, the job's gone.

[chuckles] Is it now?

[toilet flushes]

Councilor...

Hello, man.

[water continues running]

[ska music playing]

-[honking] -[indistinct shouting]

Walter!

Walter, we're here!

-Trampis! -[chuckles]

Come here, you.

-I don't believe it. -Where is he, huh?

-He's late. -That's a great fucking start.

Glad you could make it, Robbo.

Virgil, what are you doing in my space?

I was just keeping it warm for you, Robbo.

Here, lads. It's okay, middle management has arrived.

Are you taking night classes at Castlebar?

We're not seriously gonna train, are we?

Oi, dick head. I hope for your sake

this space has showers up.

Well, he's not on day release, anyway.

I checked with the hospital.

-What, you mean you rang them? -Yes.

In the absence of proper screening procedures,

not to mention

the blue collar ignorance on the interview board.

I'll ring your white collar fucking neck for ya.

Now, fuck off. I'm having a quiet night.

Lads, lads, sketch.

Jake, sketch, lads, sketch. He's coming.

-Ah, here. -Ladies and gentlemen...

For one night only!

[cheers]

We're in fine form tonight, I see.

Looks like we're all ready for a couple of hours

of bodily exertion.

Uh, run around, clap the hands.

Grunt into the stormy night.

Don't say I didn't warn you's.

-How are you? -Good evening.

You're late.

Oh, yeah, sorry. The car had to be reserviced.

What a nuisance!

[sighs] Two, three, four, five...

-We are all here. -Terrific.

We normally train for an hour and then go to the pub for tea.

-Great -We usually just sit and watch.

Fine, Jake.

-Bobby Grundy, wasn't it? -Sorry?

Bobby Grundy, the guy who managed St. Mary's?

-Oh, Bob, yes. Sound fellow. -Good, was he?

Oh yeah. I've nothing but praise for Bob. He, he, he...

-He was an alright ballman. -Walter, Walter!

Hand us that Wintergreen over there, will you?

-Of course, yeah. -Here, Walter...

Go buy your own for a change.

-Walter! -Yes?

Get us some Lucozade like a good lad.

Lucozade, Lucozade?

-It's in Mick's bag. -What?

Here, let him have it, Mick.

-Let him have it, Mick. -Give it to him, give it!

[clamoring]

Tell him he's to buy his own.

-[laughing] -You've to buy your own.

Tell him to fuck off.

-[all laughing] -Shut up, the lot of you's.

-Anything else? -Yeah.

Check if there's any hot water in the showers.

The showers, right.

[slaps]

The showers are broken.

[all laughing]

-Come on, lads. Let's train. -Sorry.

There's one wallet

and one bracelet. And don't fucking lose them.

Sorry?

Here. You don't intend on running off, do you?

-What's this? -Me beer money.

That's the milk money and the seafood.

Me wallet, me car keys. Alright?

Six quid, 52 cent exactly.

It's all there.

[pills rattle]

One of those in half an hour.

Car keys, wallet, loose change in a plastic bag...

And this is a watch.

Nice watch.

Yeah, it has Tokyo time.

Here, I'll just show you, er...

Where did you say you lived?

I didn't.

Nick, come on, let's go.

Okay, lads.

Lads! Lads, yeah.

Come on in.

[all groaning]

Come on. That's it. Thank you.

-It's freezing. -Now.

-To Begin. We all here? -Yeah. Come on. We're here.

-Where's Speedy? -He's getting his fix.

-Speedy! -Right, lads.

-Okay then. -What's happening?

What we have here now... is a football.

Beg your pardon?

An object of global shape

which when struck with either foot

will travel many distances depending on the force

of impact between limb and ball.

That executed, we have what's commonly known as a kick.

Don't say I didn't tell you's.

I'll now demonstrate the art of ball clearance.

[chuckles]

Okay, now, who wants to try first?

-Any takers? -Yeah.

I'll demonstrate a kick in the bollocks for you, Walter.

[chuckles] Bravo. The very man.

Do us a favor like lad, would you?

-Get the ball back for me. -What?

Come on. We've a lot of catching up to do.

He's worse than the last manager.

You kicked the ball so you get it.

Assertive... Excellent.

Okay, right, on your bike. Thanks.

Now, while we're waiting, let's see who can run the fastest.

[all exclaim]

On your marks, get set, go!

-I said get the ball you prick. -Robbo!

-Okay, okay. I get the message. -You hear me? Get the ball!

-Robbo, leave him alone. -Fuck off. No to do with you.

No, no, no. This is not a problem.

Fucking bollocks!

-[groaning] -Hey, leave it.

-Fuck off! -[clamoring]

-Get back, ya bleeding... -[indistinct shouts]

-You just listen very carefully. -[Robbie] Get off me.

-I'm here to stay. Hear me? -[groaning]

Before I put my roots down, pal,

it's only fair to let you know who you're dealing with.

Now you get me that ball or I'll rip your fucking lungs out.

Speedy, get the ball.

And you sure are wankers.

Will you find somewhere else to put your fucking bracelet?

And your cheap digital clocks and your money.

-Give me that. -Shower the fucking fuck shits.

Get up! Get up!

As of now, we are a football team.

And I am your manager! Any objections?

Good. Now we train.

-[upbeat music playing] -Go!

And again, go!

Oh, look at them, come on!

[grunts]

Eejit. Down you go!

Look at it!

Put your ass down. Put your ass down.

Close up the circle. Close up the circle.

[music continues]

All of you's.

[panting]

And turn.

And again!

Bananas!

Rise, shine, for your light has come.

And the glory of the lord rises upon you.

[barfing]

-[barfing continues] -[deep breath]

Well, well ,well, I think we may have overdone it, boys.

Still... There's nothing like enthusiasm.

[panting]

-Robbo... -[music stops abruptly]

You're a good player, Robbo.

Let's keep it that way, yeah? Shake.

[panting]

All right. Anyone with second thoughts,

fuck off now.

You'll be wanting these club records and accounts.

We are a registered charity 570 overdrawn

and the ground lease expired last summer.

[Michael] Okay, let me explain.

-Club's effectively unnoticed. -[man] We're going nowhere.

I've personally lobbied our public representatives

-on the matter, Walter. -You have, Michael?

Some of us have petitioned to rezone the property

for public recreation.

Well, to do what?

Make a public fucking show of yourselves?

-[man] We'll win Sunday. -What's that?

-We're gonna win this Sunday. -How?

Because we're playing Bellevue bleeding Dynamite.

-[cheering]-And we're playing them at home.

Aye, see, that's good because--

[chanting] ♪ We always Beat the Bellevue! ♪

♪ We always beat the Bellevue! ♪

[cheering]

Bellevue's going home!

Bellevue's going home!

-Bellevue's going home! -Hold it, hold it, lads.

Now, you see, Walter,

it's club policy to rotate team duties on the day

so that you know everyone can have a fair share of the spoils.

The spoils?

The last time, Speedy got a hat-trick.

Yeah, that was one in each house.

Yeah, Tosh eventually managed to get one.

Eh, Robbo got a header.

Bubbles a direct free.

Uh, Virgil, uh, his value was an own goal, but yeah.

I mean it was so good we had to take it for ourselves.

[laughing]

And uh, and uh, hold on.

I normally get to play

center forward for the last 15 minutes.

Oh, that'll be no problem, Danny.

And they give us oranges at half-time.

We send them a mass card every Christmas.

[laughing]

Sure Hopper's boss plays with them.

Yeah, it's the only time I get to put manners on the bollocks.

[laughing]

Quality jerseys all the same.

Quality jerseys, thanks a lot.

[indistinct chatter]

Fucking' woman, lad.

[cheering]

What do you say, Robbo?

Everybody fucking beats them.

Yeah, but this Sunday we're bleedin' bury them.

Yeah!

No, not this Sunday you won't.

We fucking will!

No, this Sunday they're gonna win.

Says who?

Says me.

Uh, how so, Walter?

Because you're gonna let them.

What did he say? What did you say?

In two weeks' time,

you're playing St. Malachy's in the first round of the cup.

I don't give a shit how many times

you've beaten Bellevue poxy Dynamo.

I don't want to hear about league football.

Sunday week you enter the real game,

and you'll start by taking out the cup holders.

-What? -You out of your fucking tree?

Never played Malachy's before, right?

Okay, my knowledge are they'll still send a spy,

have you's checked out.

'Cause this is the season of the underdog.

The gods sneer at their peril.

Malachy's are more than gods. They're more than bastards.

So this Sunday against Bellevue Dynamo you'll be sized up

by Special Agent Smart.

Alright? And you're gonna make an impression.

Are you suggesting that we--

This Sunday,

your job is to make sure Mr. Smart returns to Malachy's.

Tell them to put their feet up.

It's gonna be a turkey shoot.

You ready?

I don't care what it takes but you're gonna fucking beat them.

That is immoral.

Oh, would you ever shut that fucking mouth for once?

You fucking eejit, you?

You're only here to keep the grass cut

until they build what they'll build

in this kip. Do you know that?

Even your kids are mocking you's

all the way to your graves.

So what's one miserable league match

when you can win the cup?

Look, we just want to play football.

Since when?

Now we train tomorrow.

-What? -Same time.

-We train Saturday all day. -[indistinct chatter]

We will gather here Sunday morning.

-Ten hundred hours. -Ten o'clock?

Tug at the spotless colors.

You'll tell Bellevue Dynamo what beautiful cars

and women and jerseys they have,

and then you will let them plow you's into the shit.

That is not gonna happen, Walter.

Here. No fucking way.

[upbeat music playing]

[fans cheering]

-Played, Bubbles. -[cheering]

[Bubbles] We played as a team that day.

For once we went out with a common purpose.

Come to think of it,

it was the first time we went out to impress

and we were brilliant.

Oh, yes! The Dynamo!

[Bubbles] But it took more than commitment. It took skill.

A rare kind of skill.

And nerve.

The kind of nerve that takes you to the point of no return.

[music continues]

Secret Agent Smart watched.

And we let him know we didn't know he was there

We were violating a sacred law.

And the gods weren't gonna like this.

But thankfully the gods had no idea it was happening.

We didn't figure

in their premier league scheme of things.

We were the rejects from the blind side of the motorway

who were letting the abjects from Noddyland have a field day

and letting Hopper's boss run a muck like a giddy looky bag.

-What's going on? -Just a better team, you know.

I told the lads before the game that our new manager

was asking for sacrifice so that we could be saved.

I convinced them that death was a release

but I think Walter meant rebirth

and that rebirth was a deliverance.

No, no, it was rebirth and deliverance would release

from death. That's it.

I mean it's obvious. If you don't die

how can you be resurrected?

Let me save fucking one.

[music continues]

For fuck's sake!

Drop, Hopper!

-This is fucking shite, Walter! -Cover!

-Cover! -[shouts]

-[whistle] -[clamoring]

Over there. Subtract it from his wages.

Are you happy now, are you?

Danny, Danny. Centre forward.

Put your trust in he who has come upon us.

Yeah. Fucking great.

Follow him because he will lead us to the promised land.

How about a little vitamin C?

If you can bend over and let Bellevue Dynamo

stick it up your ass for 90 minutes.

Ah, fuck!

Then you'll have freed yourself.

What are you doing?

From the shackles of mind and flesh

if you can do this, he said...

-If you do this-- -[cheering]

Then you're capable of anything.

Alright, lads, come on.

[ice cream van music playing]

Chocolate sauce.

[indistinct shouting]

[music continues]

[crow squawking]

Time up. Good effort.

He's in some cult.

Some head fucking religion.

He threatened to call my other half if I didn't turn up.

The cult of the fucking sparhead.

He is not a manager. He's a charlatan.

And every Sunday they all meet up

and pray to the supreme sparhead.

I propose we demand his immediate resignation forthwith.

I tell you what I propose.

We tie him up, we gag him,

and we dump him up the mountains.

-I propose-- -Look, Danny.

You should've stuck by me in the first place.

We wouldn't be in this shit.

Shut up, will you.

Mr. Keegan...

At an extraordinary general meeting

the club board motioned unanimously

to revoke your appointment as manager.

I'm instructed to terminate your probation forthwith.

As of this evening, you are a persona non-grata.

And you have five minutes

to get off the fucking premises.

I think we should stick with the plan.

You have some nerve there showing up here.

Listen, lad.

You go fuck yourself

Look, if we give up now we're worse off.

You let us be humiliated.

What have we got to lose?

-Respect. -We have no respect anymore.

We've nothing anymore.

-Look, Bubbles, go home. -Danny.

-Where is the bollocks? -I don't fucking know.

We just appointed you as our spokesman.

Good, because I propose direct action.

-[laughing] Now you're talking. -First, we apologize.

Then we do a few hours training and take the fucker down the pub

and get locked.

-Take who? -Walter.

What the fuck are you talking about?

He played for Troy Wanderers.

The customer says, "Okay, he played for Troy Wanderers."

And I say, "Who's Troy Wanderers?"

And the customer says... [chuckling]

"Why would I need laxatives

when the chemist already makes

me break me shite laughing?"

[laughing]

So when the barman hears who it is,

right, that I want kneecapped,

he fucking tells me that I'm dealing with killer Keegan

who got suspended for breaking legs,

got the boot and never played since.

The security man told me he's one of the greatest

football brains in the game.

And that I is one of the greatest goofs

in the supermarket business.

[spa music playing]

The thing is we never chose him.

The thing is he chose us!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

He is fucking god, man.

Straight in the wilderness, a highway for our Lord.

[music continues]

-Speedy! -Speedy!

Speedy! Where are you?

-Speedy! -Speedy!

My dad says you were better than Steve Maloney.

-And you even knew Tommy Hole. -What's that?

And he didn't remember you because

hatchet men never win man of the match.

What are you talking about?

You played for Troy Wanderers.

[shouts]

-Who else knows? -Everyone knows.

Who the fuck is everyone?

Alright, listen.

I knew you's are thick

but the combined density assembled here

is more than I bargained for.

You have to keep your mouth shut about who I am

or what I was.

Anybody says anything tell him they've got the wrong man.

If this gets around, if Malachy's get a sniff of it,

we're dead before we hit the pitch.

Well, why us?

I was sent to save you, Hopper.

-Alright? -Yeah, yeah.

Now, pick it up.

-What? -Something's come up.

I got this today.

We have to be off the premises by March.

It's from a crowd called Western Vale Developments.

McGuirk?

Yeah, Councilor McGuirk.

I thought this was supposed to be sorted out.

Yeah, he sold out on us.

For fuck's sake!

-Do they know? -No.

Alright, keep it that way.

Well, I thought given you your reputation

My reputation is already a liability.

We'll keep that under wraps.

Man, I don't get it.

Just keep things fucking simple. Okay?

Yeah, but, so if we'd known about Troy Wanderers...

Do you know what I mean, like, what are you doing here?

Of all the teams in this city...

What are you doing here?

What's a player of your talent doing in this kip?

Aye, yeah, well, there's a difference.

Danny said you used to play for

one of the top teams in the league.

Yeah, did he tell you I used to fuck up in the big occasions.

He said you played some final.

Yeah, I know what it takes to get there, Walter.

I've done it all and blown in the one day.

Yeah, I was a great midfielder.

But for some fucking reason kept giving the ball away.

Lost the final. Lost me game.

Lost the plot.

Do you want me to go on?

No, you didn't lose it, Bubbles.

You just gave in.

Have you not heard... Long ago I ordained it.

In days of old, I planned it.

Now I have brought it to pass.

[rock music playing]

So Mike, why you?

Alright, mate.

Hey, Michael, why choose you?

If I have to listen again to that boss of mine,

laughing like a fucking hyena

across the fucking floor.

Perhaps you might be able to tell us

why we should choose you for this position.

I think that position

therefore I am that position.

And me fellow workers have just told me

that in the interest of industrial relations...

[rock music continues]

I should resign as the fucking shop steward.

Your breaking up, hold on a minute, what?

I can't come home, alright?

'Cause I'm working late tonight, that's why.

I know I have a family, love.

But we need the money to feed them and clothe them, don't we?

Yeah, I've gotta go 'cause the boss has just walked in.

What is this, a fucking holiday camp?

I'm not paying you to sit on your fucking asses.

Good man, Virgil.

Come here, I'll put it at you, shitaries at themselves.

I think I've got broken glass in your John department.

Where does that bog my tinkies off at this fucking hour?

I'm off to be a champ.

Ya jacking fuck, ya.

[Keegan] Two... Three...

Four... Five...

Fast! Up, up, up!

Right, Robbo.

Tosh!

Pass it!

Go on, Tosh, bury it.

-Good lad, Tosh. -Where's the marking?

Out again. Come on, let's go.

[Bubbles] The Malachy's game was approaching fast.

Mick the professor calculated that the team had trained

more in those few days than it had ever done

since the foundation of the club.

Alright, turn around, do it again.

[Bubbles] When exactly it was founded

has since been hotly debated.

But we were all agreed, if Walter's plan didn't work

the club was going home in body bags that Sunday.

Kevin, make sure he's with you. Kevin!

-Get into in, Tosh! -I'm onside.

-Push out! -Push out!

-Okay, push out now! -Put it in, Speedy!

-Good ball! -Shoot! Yeah!

Shot, boss.

-Fuck. -[Keegan] Trampis.

Come on.

Why be a goalkeeper?

'Cause I want to.

Why would anyone want to be goalkeeper?

Because I'm...

Because you're the only one who can save the day.

You hear me?

Yeah.

Let the rest of them play football.

You save the day.

I save the day.

They depending on you.

-Alright? -Mmm.

-[rock music playing] -Alright, come on.

He rang me again.

I've fucking work tonight.

-I want my life back. -Come on. Get out of there.

-[knocking] -Let's go.

[Keegan] Come on--

Give my fucking life back, you sadistic bastard.

Don't make me come in there.

Uh, where the hell have you taken me?

I won't be long.

You have got to be kidding me.

I swear to God, baby, I love you.

-Trust me. -[sighs]

[music continues]

Speedy!

Speedy!

[drums playing]

Fuck it! Where were you? Where were you?

Speedy, you're the best player in the world.

Nobody else knows about it.

Now why is that?

Because I've no...

I'm not-- No self belief.

Because you're a sap.

What's that?

What the fuck is this here?

If I find you taking any more of this shit,

you'll never play again.

I'll break both your fucking legs.

-You hear me? -[breathing heavily]

[somber music playing]

Virgil...

What's this I hear about you and a girlfriend?

Yeah, it's true. Check out number five.

She's gorgeous, man.

Well, okay then, but no sex.

-Huh? -You still off the chocolate?

-I am, yeah. -Alright.

I just want you to do one thing for me.

Anything, anything, anything.

Would you calm down?

[music continues]

There you go.

-Here's a tenner for you. -Blessings of God on you.

Now, fuck off!

Hey! Take that with you

[reggae music playing]

Get it in behind, get it in behind.

Doesn't have to be first time, Speedy.

Nice play, Trampis.

Speedy!

Good ball.

Come on, Speedy. In the box.

Good goal!

-This is the way to go. -[grunts]

That's more like it.

[chanting] ♪ We are white

♪ We are fucking dynamite La la la la la ♪

♪ We are blue, we are white We are fucking dynamite ♪

♪ La la la la la la

♪ We are blue, we are white We are fucking dynamite... ♪

[reggae music continues]

[music stops]

The way I see it,

a man can accept his fate or he can change it.

That's why I am here.

To tell you that you can let them treat you

like you're a fucking nobody

or you can prove you're just as good.

You can let the gods shine on you

or shit on you.

You can take this one last chance

or you can fuck off home

and let the world pass you by.

So which is it?

Let's do it.

-Are you ready? -[all] Yeah!

-Are you ready?! -[all] Yeah!

Come on, lads.

[indistinct chatter]

[Keegan] Tomorrow we start with a preemptive strike

on the very balls of the beast,

after which you'll revert to a defensive game.

The referee will be collaborating with the enemy

so I want that self-righteous prick taken out

in the first 10 minutes.

-Tony, how's it going, lad? -Alright.

[Keegan] You do not play by their rules.

You play the Rovers way. It's very simple.

Talk to your opponent. Get to know him.

-Make conversation. -Lads, get that up there.

Talk, talk, talk. You'll pull these titans down to your level.

When you get that ball, you kick it as far away as possible.

into the trees, anywhere off the field.

I'm going to come at you again and again.

You will hound and pester. And shadow and cripple

until the moment is right, until I say the moment is right.

Then you will strike with all the vengeance of the apocalypse.

Bury it!

That is nothing if you don't win.

-[reggae music playing] -Come on, boys.

[Keegan] Winning is all that ever mattered.

Don't you ever, ever forget that.

Come on, lads.

Heads or harps?

Heads.

You that fucking eejit that threw the '99 final?

[spits]

[Bubbles] Normally, I'd laugh it off

but this time I was locked on and counting.

The referee was on the move

the minute he blew his whistle.

He made a beeline for our penalty box

thinking, well, we'll be there for the day.

But Emmet Rovers were already headed

-in the opposite direction. -[shouting]

[all shouting]

[music intensifies]

-[whistle blowing] -[clamoring]

Stop it! Jesus! This is not football!

[Bubbles] Okay, it wasn't pretty. It wasn't football.

But in that moment we'd levelled the playing field

and given Malachy's a taste of their own medicine.

I want you, you, you, you, you, you, and you.

Hey, ref. What about me?

[Bubbles] And we felt positive about it

until Flynner from the local newsletter showed up

like a fucking war correspondent.

And then they attacked.

Twenty-two gladiators stand on a field.

This is truly death for one man.

[indistinct shouting]

No one knows what's going to happen next

but the Gladiators of old, they stand poised for battle.

The opposition come pouring through like Genghis Khan.

Like Kubla Khan. Like Chaka Khan.

But nobody can stop them. They tried to fight on,

but it's an impossible dream.

Death is in their eyes.

[indistinct shouts]

[Bubbles] Now we were fully engaged.

-It was game on. -Who the fuck did that?

-[Bubbles] Do or die. -Right, play on.

If all else fails, we might just

talk our way out of this hell.

No high heels today, no?

-Robbo! Robbo! -Breathe!

So you'll tell us what your boyfriend did for recreation.

[indistinct shouting]

The boss calls me into his office and he says

"Michael, I think you've got the ability and drive for this job."

I nearly wet meself.

[overlapping shouts]

You're mine. You're mine. Here we go!

Pick a man!

-Keep up with your man! -Keep it up!

[music continues]

Pop. The bubble bursts again.

[Keegan] Bubbles!

Virgil!

My favorite section is toiletries

because it's near the checkout girls.

Get the ball!

-Focus! -For fuck's sake!

And one day I'd help this fellow with a promotion stand

for washing-up liquids.

[chuckling] His name was Bubbles.

For fuck's sake, Bubbles!

[laughing]

And Bubbles asked me if I could play football

and I said, "No, why?"

He said, "Don't worry about it, you can pick it up."

And here I am.

Oh, well played, Virgil.

[screams]

Let Speedy nut ya.

Watch the number seven.

[shouting]

Seven.

-[screaming] -Ref!

The fuck is that?

Referee! Were you looking?

[Referee] Play on!

-Ah! -Nice Trampis, well played.

Get back!

Right, this is it, this is it, this is it.

-Bubbles. -[panting]

Now!

Come on, Bubbles, this is it!

Let's go! Strike!

[Bubbles] I wasn't having a good game.

To make things worse, Speedy was injured.

I'd have to abort the plan.

[music continues]

But then I saw Kevin calling me on the left wing and I thought,

the local chemist has been cured above all phobia

or else he's just shat in his pants.

I didn't care, the assault was on.

Tosh screamed from the centre field.

Kevin ran like the clappers.

knowing he didn't have long to live.

Tosh was entering the strike zone.

Kevin kicked, the ball flew,

and like a stray missile entered the box.

It was anybody's guess where it would land.

[music intensifies]

But it got there.

-[cheering] -[all] Goal!

Fucking yeah!

What the fuck is going on?

[Bubbles] And all of a sudden something broke.

Word was on its way to the gods.

[crows cawing]

-[cheering] -Alright, listen to me now.

You're gonna have to go back out there.

They're having a major fucking rethink as we speak.

So we hit them first.

-Jake. -[Jake] Yeah?

Number eight has to go. You've had a good match, son.

[lively music playing]

-Let's go! -[shouting]

-[clamoring] -[whistle blowing repeatedly]

The player is injured, he lies riding in agony

in the centre of the pitch. The medics are being called for.

-[whistle blows] -You! [yells]

Stay off the pitch.

I am fucking off!

Oh my God, now there's two players down.

I haven't seen scenes like this since Vietnam.

Down to nine men. Nine men!

Walter, you are betrayer.

Walter, you are betrayer.

You who have not been betrayed.

[commentator] Nine men! Nine men fighting on to take victory!

I am looking on. They are marvelous.

They are magnificent. They are Emmet Rovers.

Back after so many years in the wilderness.

Prepared to win and to win with style.

With guts, with gusto, with vim, with vigor.

Robbo, what the fuck are you doing?

[commentator] Lion hearts.

And the prick makes a proper bollocks of it.

You stupid wanker!

[shouting]

[lively music continues]

-[whistle blows] -[cheers]

[Bubbles] It was now one all.

The Malachy's mortal machine was decoding our game plan.

We would never see our loved ones again.

Time was running out

and then Danny's other fucking knee gave in.

It's the fucking other one now.

And we were left with eight men on the field.

You're better than that. Look at me.

Come on, Rovers!

The secret weapon was losing parts by the minute.

We were down a tail piece and the ship was coming

under relentless fire.

Hey, you. What's your name?

-Isaiah. -How about?

Yes, boss.

Isaiah would finally get a start.

And if Malachy's were thrown into confusion...

We don't fucking know!

...they weren't the only ones.

-Isaiah. -Isaiah who?

Eh, Isaiah. Um, he's Jewish.

But the Prophet knew the game plan.

Because the Prophet never missed a day's training.

-[whistle blows] -Bubbles, now!

Our secret weapon was re-enabled.

-The signal was... -Strike!

And it was all systems go.

What the fuck is this?

The lord rides on a swift cloud and is coming to Egypt.

[shouting]

No prisoners, go!

[music stops]

[shot echoes]

-Shoot, Bubbles! -[cheering]

[triumphant music playing]

Go, go, go, go, go!

[whistle blows]

[cheering]

-[Bubbles] Isaiah! -[music stops]

Isaiah!

[paper rustles]

Isaiah!

[Isaiah] Bubbles!

Isaiah!

Where are you, you bastard?

Isaiah?

[door creaks open]

[Isaiah] "God chose David that we may walk in the light."

Your son...

Size 10.

What?

I need boots.

[Bubbles] I never told the lads about Isaiah.

I figured they might just put him

through the whole pain again and make him disappear on us.

Anyways, I realized I knew as much about the man

I was training with every day of the week,

as they did about the Prophet, who'd become our supersub.

And nobody knew the man who'd become our manager.

Nobody doubted our redeemer.

Until it dawned on me that nobody was really looking.

Ah, geez, I like the flip flops, Mick.

[laughing]

They come with the new job, do they?

May I remind you, I'm the one who got these showers fixed.

[cheering]

[Trampis mumbles]

Trampis, what the fuck are you at?

-I'm washing myself. -You're wearing your gear.

-I'm washing that too. -Good Jaysus.

Good Jaysus, lad, you could've told me.

I'll kill him. I'll fucking kill him.

Did you's read this?

What? For once!

Tosh, the invisible striker,

manages to be on target.

[laughing]

Hey, [inaudible] in that fucking pub tonight.

Walter said no drink for the duration of the campaign.

What are you now, Walter's fucking spokesman?

Do you know what his record was? Forty goals in one season.

But Walter thought it was 20 goals till I put him straight.

You were booed 20 points in one season, alright.

And you were sent of twice and suspended once.

You favorite form of relaxation is golf with the lads.

Does Councilor McGuirk know?

I'm breaking the good news tomorrow.

And I'm also hitting him for sponsorship.

Now you're talking!

-No, no, no, no. -[all shouting]

[electronic music playing]

[music comes to the foreground]

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[chanting, shouting]

Bubbles!

Bubbles!

The forgotten stat shines again!

Bubbles! Whoo!

Come here, there's something to show you.

This new manager of yours is loaded!

Yeah. From what?

Recycling!

He's a salesman as it happens.

-Recycling what? -[Mick] Waste management!

I mean, look what he's done with you's lot.

-[laughing] -Don't fucking start, you!

I'm telling you. He's made a fortune.

Well, he coulda fooled me.

Yeah, well you know what they say, Mick.

It's the gobshites in the suits with fuck all in the bank.

[laughing]

Oh, look. I was going through the archives and I found that.

Have a look yourself.

Oh, yeah. Who would've believed that?

-Look. -[shouting in the background]

Back row, second from the left.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I had no idea.

Here you are, Kylie. Get us, erm...

a gin and tonic, a double gin and tonic,

double ginger ale and brandy, double Guinness,

and a double red royal,

and stick them all down on Mick's diner club.

[laughing]

Come on, Mick, get them in, would you?

Where are they?

"All who make idols are nothing,

and the things they treasure are worthless."

-I said, "Can you hear me?" -[cheering]

And our captain will now lift he cup.

[applause]

[indistinct chatter]

Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles!

Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles!

[cheering]

Rovers, Rovers!

[cheers stop]

Messiah returns from the mountain

to find 11 gobshites parading a fake chalice

around a newfound temple of worship.

What's the story, Bubbles? Did I miss something here?

And what the fuck do you think you're playing at?

Now Malachy's are dead.

But just easy killing giants.

The thing is we don't have giants next round.

While we have are mere mortals

no better than any of you,

and they too have something to prove

and you are now the prime targets

so you better be ready, lads,

because your tender dreams don't mean shit to them.

You listening?

[all, muffled] Yeah.

Good. Now get your gear, and get back out to the pitch.

-What? -What?

You don't stop training till I say so.

-But we've just been-- -Six fucking games left.

Now get out. Stay out!

-[mutters] Fuck's sake. -[rock music playing]

[Bubbles] Like disciples, we went forth

to spread the gospel.

We ran into the world

and it was a different ball game.

We were just another soccer team again.

But then we knew the truth

and the truth would endure.

It was deep in our hearts.

Out of the darkness and into the light.

Out of the shadow of shame and onto the glory trail.

We had a message that no god or mortal could ignore.

And we were winning converts with every success.

We preached the truth, you see.

And the truth is, if you believe, you will overcome.

The truth is we were as good as anybody on a given day.

[cheering, shouting]

-The reality was hidden. -[cheering]

And I searched the city to find it for myself.

Places I never knew existed in my own town.

Yeah, we were going places,

places we'd never played before.

We were beating teams, teams who'd never heard of us.

Teams who would soon come to know and respect us.

[cheering]

And after each game, I would have to push myself

to look again. Push myself to try harder.

After each game, I went forth into the world hoping,

hoping I was wrong but the truth is

we were headed for paradise.

[music continues]

Isaiah! Isaiah!

And the Prophet knew the way.

[applause]

-[cheering] -[laughing]

The truth is we'd reached the semi-final.

But the reality was it would be the last time

we would play on our own home ground.

The truth is that faith is life.

The reality is that doubt leads to suspicion.

No matter how small the crack,

it will open until it yawns like a gaping hole.

But we weren't giving in. Not now and not anymore.

[cheering]

Walter Keegan?

[cheering, shouting]

We were the true disciples now.

And we went forth

to spread the gospel.

We ran into the world

and it was a different ball game.

Go on! Go on!

You're in, you're in!

-[whistle] -[cheering]

Yes, I found truth.

I found the real truth.

But the reality was the real truth was a lie.

[music stops]

Walter Keegan was a lie.

-Walter Keegan? -[Keegan] Yeah.

And that lie became a secret.

But I decided no god or mortal must ever know.

[cheering]

I knew you'd do it. I knew you'd do it.

-Three cheers, everyone! -Hip hop, hooray!

Hip hop, hooray!

Can't be assed. What's that?

Here we go!

What the fuck is that?

-Well, it tastes like piss. -[laughing]

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Yo, Isaiah, a nice bottle of Chateau de Blanc.

-A toast! -[shouting]

Listen, I don't want this. I don't want it.

Hold on a second, will you? You never have a drink with us,

so seeing as you don't go to the pub,

we brought the whole bleeding lot here.

-[cheers] -♪ Sing Hosanna ♪

♪ Sing Hosanna ♪

♪ Sing Hosanna to the King ♪

-♪ Rovers -Speech, speech, speech.

Some fucking nerve.

Okay, okay, I'm delighted. You's fought like dogs today,

played like kings.

-[Speedy] Fuck the bastard! -[cheers]

No, you've got to respect the dead, Speedy,

otherwise we're back where we started.

It's the semi-final only. We've won nothing.

You got the most important game in your lives coming up.

-[cheering] -You're gonna throw it away.

-Hey, shut up, shut up, shut up. -You'll throw it away, lads.

Hey, man, you're responsible for more

than a few marriage breakups, one postponed engagement

and a string of threatened dismissals.

But we're here now and if some of us don't

get polluted very soon, we're going to rip this place apart

before those bastarding developers get a chance.

[cheers]

Hey, hey, easy.

Now, for the next two weeks, these guys are on sick leave,

annual fucking holidays,

family fucking holidays,

to do whatever it takes.

So I think it's about high time that the great Walter Keegan

came down from the mountain

and had a drink with the lads.

Go on, Walter!

Drink, drink, drink, drink!

[cheering]

Yeah! [shouting]

♪ Sing Hosanna ♪

♪ Sing Hosanna to the King

♪ Rovers ♪

♪ Sing Hosanna ♪

♪ Sing Hosanna

♪ Sing Hosanna to the King

♪ Rovers

[chanting continues]

That night we locked ourselves into the Clubhouse

and Jake got to do his party piece...

-Lads, lads, lads, lads, lads! -...for old times' sake.

No, that's gonna be two quid

each for the referee, and

ooh yeah, right here I have some--

Bring your own cans!

For the... For the church I know a fundraiser

for the fucking needy

because you never know you might actually--

Win something for a change! [laughing]

[cans clatter]

Sure, at the end of the day--

It's only a game! [shouting]

-[cans clatter] -[laughing]

Our last manager, Archie, right?

He managed everything except the bleeding team!

-[laughing] -I have an idea.

Let's lock Archie in the clubhouse.

[shouting]

[Keegan] ♪ Gonna have a party Gonna blow the blues away ♪

♪ I'm gonna have a party Gonna blow the blues away ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Goodbye, blues Come back another day ♪

-[vocalizing] -♪ Let's go to the final ♪

♪ We're gonna win the day

[cheering]

♪ We're gonna win the day

♪ He'll be around to keep you Going on that ♪

♪ Nourishment to pick you up ♪

♪ Find it in our special cup ♪

♪ A cup to keep you warm Throughout the years ♪

♪ So keep us round you ♪

♪ All the time, we'll be there Come rain or shine ♪

♪ Life is like a soup It's to enjoy ♪

[cheering]

Come on, Mick.

There's not that many friends at the Royal Variety Show.

-I can tell you. -Fair play to you, Michael.

Right, how about a song from the Prophet?

[cheering]

Yeah, come on, Isaiah.

-[cheering] -The Prophet!

Come on, give us a song.

I go now.

Oh, give us a song. [sing drunkenly]

[singing indistinctly]

Give us a song now, lad. Come here, you knuckle.

Where are you going? Come here!

[all] Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio!

Lads, there's trouble.

Virgil, what the fuck are you doing?

[man speaking indistinctly]

[indistinct] ...when the moment is right.

And life at the moment is right.

[indistinct chatter]

-Get down here, lad. -[yells]

You'll kill yourself.

-[police sirens] -[shouting]

Shut up!

What's going on here?

Guard, I can explain everything--

Get over there. Stand over there.

-Listen, there really isn't-- -Get back. Get back.

Okay, what's going on?

There's nuttin' bleedin' going on.

Only bleeding celebrating.

Shut up, Hopper.

But isn't Mr. Downs the shop steward?

I see we have Mr. Robertson.

Another troublemaker.

His Apprentice, Mr. Tony O'Shea.

And the joker himself.

What do they call you? Tarzan?

-[laughing]-Virgil Madigan, Mein Fuhrer.

Listen, Sergeant, we just got a little bit

over exuberant, that's all. There's no need--

Mr. Hennessy, what brings you here?

I play here.

Oh, you do, do you?

For your penance, is it?

-I'll give you bleeding penance. -Shut the fuck up, will you?

You see, we won today.

Look, I'm really sorry and I will personally see to it

that this never happens again.

[Keegan] Isaiah!

I'm not finished yet, you bastard.

Um, that's our manager.

Right. Kevin, go home.

You... down.

Right, clear off, come on. Before I bring you's all in.

Yeah, we'll call it a night, lads.

[laughing, cheering]

This place is private property now.

[Keegan] Isaiah!

-Kev! -[Keegan] Come back here!

Organize a taxi now.

[Keegan] All I want is a song.

Nobody walks away from me.

I could run that sales division in my fucking sleep.

-[Kev] Where do you live? -And they would respect me.

See if he has anything on him.

-Where do you live, Walter? -Show me respect.

-Hey, pal, where are we going?-- -Try his inside pocket.

Get your fucking mollers off me.

-Hey, the fuck? -Hey!

-Take it easy, will you? -[coughs]

-Fucking asshole. -Sorry about this.

Can you tell me where we're going?

-Yeah, it's, er, 12. -Kevin.

Me old flower, do you know who I am?

-You're Walter Keegan. -I am the King.

You know what they've done to me?

They sent me one lousy letter.

One lousy fucking letter.

-Where are you's bringing me? -We're taking you home.

In here to the left.

I told you I'm not going fucking home.

[Kevin] Jesus, Walter!

[breaks screech]

-Walt... -I want another drink.

Look, Walter, I think you've had enough.

-Hands off. -Come on, we're taking you home.

Get fucking off!

I was the best. They gave me one poxy letter!

One poxy letter, they gave me.

Took away me fucking job, took everything. But I never gave in.

I never fucking gave in, because I don't want to be sorry, right?

'Cause we're gonna win. We're gonna go at them lads.

I'm telling you, we run run, we're near, right there.

We spit that pity back in their faces.

-The fucking neighbors. -Fuck the neighbors, you hear?

Take a good look, I'm back.

Right? But no pity!

I don't need your stinking pity. Oh, fuck.

-You have no home here. -[Keegan] Attaboy.

Bury it dead forever.

You were told never to come near us like this again.

-I don't wanna be here. -Never!

[Keegan] I don't wanna be here, alright?

Because I am a winner. Do you hear me?

-I am a winner, okay? -Walter!

I'm a winner. A winner!

Why did you bring him here? Why?

No, it's-- We won the game, you know?

What game? Who are you?

[Keegan] We won! We won.

We won!

This never happened, okay?

[upbeat music playing]

[cows squawking]

[car horn honking]

[cheers]

[Bubbles] We'd won the toss. Things were looking up.

Spring had arrived and the new jerseys were itching

like fuck.

We gave the fans the battle they'd come for.

We were never to be alone. Never again.

They trekked like a gold rush across the city.

Busloads. Families. Flynn, the press cunt.

Hopper's boss.

Even the new Lord Mayor, Councilor McGuirk.

-[cheering] -The hell are you doing?

They were all there. Except the crows.

The bastards never made it.

They looked on at home

watching tactics they could never follow.

Back where it all began,

adjacent we had dug deep into the penalty area.

And still they must have sang.

Still taken to the black wings.

Still that cracking chorus.

The rovers are back, back forever.

No one could care now.

The fight was on. Their heroes miles away

on foreign soil, already in total command.

Only problem was nobody

could fucking score.

[upbeat music continues]

Fucks sake! I'm not breaking me bollocks back here for nuttin'.

Ten minutes left in the first half

and still no score. Rovers are dominating Newtown,

but the fucking eejits can't find the net.

Fuck this for a game of cowboys.

Danny, cover me!

What the fuck are you doing up here?

I'm gonna ask you the same question, you tosser.

Hopper! Get out of there!

Don't make me laugh!

Stay out of me bleedin' way.

-[cheering] -[whistle blows]

And Hopper opens the account.

The Rovers are back!

[applause and cheers]

[cheering]

[music stops]

What the hell is going on out there?

Is it all getting too much for you's, or what?

Well, is it?

[All] No.

I thought the whole idea was

to put the ball into the other team's net,

not into fucking orbit.

Speedy!

It's an embarrassment!

The only one who can score on this team is a Jesus sweeper.

Well played, Hopper.

You pull another stunt like that and I'll kill you.

Danny, I have to replace you.

Yeah. I know.

Isaiah, you're on.

Alright, now listen to me.

We've all come a long way.

But they don't give marks for effort.

What they will give is credit for being even bigger

fucking losers than you ever were

unless you wake up and start playing football,

you shower of wankers!

You are better than they are.

Today you are the best.

Do you hear me? The best!

-Do you hear me? -[all] Yes!

Let's get out there and show it.

-[all shouting] -[lively music playing]

[cheering]

[cheering]

Two nil and the Rovers are unstoppable now.

[cheering]

He's a great bastard.

-[applause] -[whistle blows]

[whistle blows]

[happy reggae music playing]

[applause]

Fair play to you, son. Fair fucking play to you.

You've done us bleeding proud, alright?

[Bubbles] Scoreboards don't tell you what happened.

The final tally's not a true account

of what actually took place.

You see the truth is we were the better team

on the day. The reality is...

we didn't win.

[indistinct]

You can stick it up your fucking hole. Alright?

-[indistinct shouting] -Trampis.

Lad, you were fucking brilliant.

You were fucking brilliant, man.

It'll be alright, alright?

[Bubbles] We had stolen a consolation goal

with the final kick of the game and if the truth be known,

Walter wasn't there to see it.

If your faith is not enduring,

you will not endure.

[cheering]

[Bubbles] The score was four three.

But Walter Keegan had already left the ground.

The game was over.

But I wasn't finished yet.

Bubbles, you want me to go with you?

-[music continues] -[cheering]

[music stops]

[tyres screech]

You left us. Huh?

You fucked off when we most needed you.

To be the true Messiah

and tell us we'd inherited the fucking earth.

I'm not who you think I am.

I know. I know, for fuck's sake!

We all knew that before we even played today.

But I was hoping you had it in you to face us.

Have you even told your family yet?

You're going home now, are you?

To pretend none of this ever fucking happened.

-I don't have a family. -The night I dragged you home--

I'm not living there, alright?

Who told you?

I met him, eh?

I found the Walter Keegan, we thought we had.

I kept it quiet though, till Mick came back

from some conference where he was bragging about

this great new manager we had and all he'd done for us,

how he'd led us to the promised land

when some bloke pipes up,

saying he knew a Walter Keegan, an alcoholic

who sold life insurance.

He's been trying to dry out for years.

You never played for Troy Wanderers.

Fuck's sake, you never even played for crappy St. Mary's.

And you said nothing.

Well, two hours ago nobody would have given a shite

who you were or what you were.

And now I just want to hear it from you. That's all.

I'm just a namesake.

I saw him play once. He was one of the best.

Yeah, well...

If we had the real, the great Walter Keegan,

-we wouldn't be here today. -We didn't win though.

We would never have got this far.

We didn't win.

Who the fuck are you telling?

Sorry, Bubbles.

What are you sorry for?

That was a great idea.

And we lapped it up.

And we didn't win 'cause... 'Cause we didn't fucking win.

Would you have told us?

At the moment I got my hands on the cup.

Would've told you you're looking at a complete loser.

I would have told everyone.

I'm a man who never won a thing in all his born days.

I'm a nobody, like.

I was just desperate enough to turn up that morning for a job

that never really existed

because I was never going to be written off again.

I just wanted to show them.

Well, you did.

Did I?

What are you going to do now?

I dunno. We don't have a ground anymore.

Guess it's time to call it a day.

Time to move on, that's all.

Tell the lads I'm sorry, will you?

What's the true Walter Keegan gonna do?

[sniffles] Go home.

What will you tell them?

Winning is everything.

If you don't win, there's sweet fuck all.

But we showed them, boss!

[Keegan] We showed them, captain.

[somber music playing]

[Bubbles] We never saw him again.

The lads took it bad at first, but in their hearts

they knew it couldn't finish any other way.

Walter would never come among us again.

And the sooner we moved on, the better.

[reggae music playing]

[cheering]

Trampis got snapped up by a new team.

and would go on saving the day,

like a born natural.

Speedy destroyed every defense in the league.

[whistle blows]

[Bubbles] Robbo perfected his solo career.

[Jake] Yeah.

Jake became the funniest comedian in town.

Don't look back at me!

And Danny became the most feared man in the land.

You got that? Off! What are you's looking at?

The forwards are going to be defenders and the defenders--

And Hopper got to manage his own football team.

[Hopper] Jimmy, I told you before,

you take care of that number nine.

Mick's promotion came with his own parking space.

Tosh got to run his own nightclub.

And even Kevin managed to get his game every week.

[speaking French]

The spaceship never appeared

but Virgil got to tell our story wherever he played.

While Isaiah put the Old Testament behind him.

Took off to preach the new gospel of hope.

[cheers]

And every Sunday was a new beginning.

And I'd run out onto a football pitch

with nothing to lose

and everything still to play for.

-[whistle blows] -[cheers]

[music ends]

[reggae music playing]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music ends]