Original subtitles

- They're on time. Precisely. - He always was.

What a guy.

I don't seem to have heard of him.

You would have if you'd got the lead out of your pants.

- Is that the way you address an officer? - Oh, pardon me.

If you don't get the lead out of your pants, sir.

That is not a proper salute.

Stay here by the car.

- Commander Vining, sir? - That's right, Lieutenant.

- A car is waiting for you, sir. - Oh, thanks.

Oh, this is my wife, Lieutenant. Mrs Vining.

- Welcome to England, Mrs Vining. - Thank you, Lieutenant.

Do I have to salute back?

No, honey. Just flutter your eyelashes and he's all yours.

- May I take your coat, sir? - Oh, thanks.

Uh, put this with Commander Vining's luggage.

- Aye-aye, sir. - You were lucky to get in, sir.

We've had fog warning.

We expect to be closed in within the hour.

Wouldn't you know it? When I left here in '47 there was a fog.

- İsn't the same one, is it? - Well, I wouldn't know, sir.

- I've only been here since '49. - Oh.

Why, Hank, you old son of a gun!

Hey, Skip!

64 Wing, here we go.

- Berlin, Rome and Tok-y-o. - Do we want 'em?

Hell, no!

What we want is G-I-R-L-S.

Dames!

If you two boys want to be alone...

Oh, I'm sorry, darling. This is my old buddy, Hank Hanlon.

- Hank, my wife. - Hello, Hank.

So you've done it again, you old mook.

- Well, you learned to pick 'em now. - Why, thank you, Hank.

You should've seen his first wife, Mrs Vining.

What was her name now? Candy. That's...

Well, I don't think we need to go into all that right now.

Come on, darling, let's get going.

Gee, just as it was getting interesting, too.

- Not to me, it wasn't. - Oh!

Kit's all aboard, sir.

All right, thank you, Lieutenant, and goodbye.

- Get moving. - Hey, Lieutenant.

- Yes, what is it? - Don't look now,

but you're rank's showing.

Well, well, well.

So you've done it again. Since when was this?

Don't laugh. Since this morning.

What do you know? Amateurs.

It was going to be next month,

but when this job came up I just couldn't let him get away.

I don't trust these Naval men with English girls.

It's all right, lady, he got caught by one last time.

- Oh, that Candy. - You know something, darling?

I just can't get over running into old Hank again, after all these years.

- Some coincidence, huh? - Isn't it?

- Pretty. - You certainly are.

- Where we staying, Hank? - Oh, they fixed you up good.

One of them luxury joints in Grosvenor Square.

Oh, sounds pretty good.

It's a lot better than that dump you had with Candy.

I'll always remember...

Look, darling, a real old English pub. Look, see?

That Candy.

I'll never forget that day you carried her over the threshold.

Did he really do that? How romantic.

Romantic? Nothing. She was cock-eyed. What a dame. I wanna tell you...

Oh, look, darling, a church. Isn't it pretty?

Oh. That's the one thing I regret, darling.

Not having that church wedding.

That Candy. What a gal!

Remember how she turned up at the wedding

with four of her ex-boyfriends?

Oh, what an interesting wedding. Did one of them give her away?

No. They could have, but they all kept their mouths shut.

Get it?

- What a gal! - Oh, darling, look! Cows.

Genuine old English cows. Look.

They didn't look any different from the cows back home.

Oh, there's a lot of difference.

Why, over here they have some of the finest breeds in the world.

The Jerseys, the Shorthorns, the Corgis, the...

- Darling, must we talk about cows? - Oh, that reminds me, Skip.

I saw a picture of Candy in the paper, modelling or something.

- Fashion model? Must be pretty. - Oh, yeah. Good shape, all right.

Whoever put her together should've been president of the Meat Packers' Union.

What do you say, Skip?

- I say let's talk about something else. - Okay, okay.

Remember that time down in Brighton on the beach?

We're sitting next to a fuddy old dame, see, up comes Candy,

and she really had a shape for a bathing suit, this gal.

Pleased to meet you, Commander Vining.

I'm Captain Noakes, billeting officer.

I want to see that everything's ready for the Commander.

Yes, sir. I've got this bedroom ready for them.

It's quiet and they won't be disturbed so much.

What do you mean?

They've only just been married, haven%they?

Oh, I see.

Are you married, Captain?

- Yes, of course I am. Why? - Nothing.

What has whether I'm married or not got anything to do with you, anyway?

- Plenty. I'm still single. - Well, that doesn't exactly surprise me.

That's them. Now get this stuff out of here.

Make yourself look a bit respectable.

- Hey, is that where we're going to live? - Yep, that's it.

Gosh, you boys really do yourselves well over here.

Do you mind, darling? It's an old family custom.

Oh, yes, I forgot. You always carry them in, don't you?

No cracks out of you.

I'm Commander Vining. You have a reservation for me?

Commander Vining, your apartment's number 15 on the fifth floor.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

- Honey. - Oh, honey, look.

Oh, it's out of order. Have to use the stairs.

Oh, but it's five floors. And how far can this tradition thing go?

As far as I can carry you, darling.

That's better. They should be here any minute now.

You just stand there.

- How am I doing, darling? - Fine, darling.

There's only three more to go.

Taking their time, aren't they?

Probably stopped to have a chat with the Admiral.

Are you sure you feel all right, honey?

Oh, yeah, fine. Just fine.

Never mind, there's only one more to go.

Ooh!

You don't suppose nothing could've happened to them?

Well, honey, I made it.

Honey, you really deserve a kiss for that.

Welcome, Commander.

Nothing wrong with Mrs Vining, is there, sir?

No, thank you, Captain. She's all right.

Tired, darling? Funny, I feel as fresh as a daisy.

That's very funny. You know you're putting on weight.

Uh, this is Lucy, Mrs Vining.

She's gonna take care of you as long as you're here.

- Oh, how nice. Hello, Lucy. - Good evening, madam.

I expect you and the Commander would like to go straight to your room.

There's no hurry. But we would like to see the flat if it's all right.

- And I'll help a lot. - That's fine.

- Thank you very much, Captain. - And I'll be saying good night,

- and I'll do anything at all, Commander. - Thank you.

- Thank you, Captain. - Anything at all, Commander.

Yes, thank you. Good night, Captain.

That's the kitchen, madam.

Oh, darling, it's perfectly lovely, isn't it?

- Mmm-hmm, not bad. - And there's a little bar, sir.

I don't suppose you want to be bothered with the kitchen.

- This is the bathroom. - Uh-huh.

There's a shower for them that likes a shower,

and a bath for them that likes a bath.

Well, I like a shower. But I think Laurie likes a bath.

This is the guestroom.

I don't suppose you'll want to be bothered with guests.

I guess not.

And then you've got a dressing room here

which connects up with the bedroom, then.

And this is your bedroom.

What is so funny about the bedroom?

I guess she's seen too many honeymoon movies, darling.

Well, I haven't seen too many movies. What happens now?

- Don't you remember? - Nope.

We unpack.

Are you really my wife?

- Yep. 15 bucks. - And cheap at the price.

Pretty ritzy lay out, huh?

Only one trouble with it. It's too crowded.

Oh, I'll have that one now, please.

Yep. It's a real honeymoon hotel.

- Mmm-hmm, and this must be the lobby. - Yeah.

Wouldn't that Candy be crazy about this place?

She used to go for swell apartments. I wanna tell you something...

Hank, there's something I wanna say to you.

- Yeah? - Good night.

- Where are you going? - I'm not going anywhere. You are.

No, I ain't, I've... Oh, I get it. You wanna be alone.

What ever gave you an idea like that?

- Well, I can take a hint. - That's fine. Good night, Hank.

Good night, Mrs Vining.

Look, be a good fellow

and see if you can rustle up some champagne for us.

And please see that we're not disturbed by anybody for the rest of the evening.

- Including you. - That's all right, Skip,

- I got a drinking date. - Good.

And please, please don't talk about Candy.

Who wants to talk about her?

Now, let's see, where were we? Oh, yes, I remember.

- Laurie, stop it. - Okay.

- Well... - You need a shave.

- You know, you're right. - And I'm gonna get under that shower.

Oh, gosh, would you believe it?

I've only worn them once and I've got another ladder.

Laurie, what are you doing?

Huh? Oh. Just an old habit. I always roll 'em this way.

- I'll have to learn to do that for you. - That's a funny thing.

That's the one thing she did do right for me.

Darling, I know you hate talking about it,

but just for the record, what went wrong with your first marriage?

Well, the only way I can figure it

is as far as she was concerned I had just two faults:

everything I said and everything I did.

I'll remember that.

Perfect, Candy. Perfect. Just what I wanted.

No, no, no. No, hold it. Hold it.

That's right.

- You didn't tell me you were married. - Well, who says I am?

- Why, it's in all the papers. - What?

"Commander Vining, U.S. Navy,

"famous war time ace, arrives back in England today on a special mission.

"Commander Vining was married in 1946 to Candy Markham,

"well-known fashion model."

Hey, what are you doing? I haven't taken it yet.

- Sorry, Tony. I have to go. - Go? You can't go. Let him wait.

- Oh, no, I'm sorry. This is important. - No, but, Candy...

- I'll see you on Monday. - That's all very well, Candy,

but listen, I can't let you go like this. Candy, don't...

Drink's up. Come and get it.

Wow!

You know, during the war I used to cut things like you

out of Esquire and paste them on the walls.

Aw, too bad, darling.

Now you have to make do with all the same wallpaper from now on.

Mmm, but what a pattern.

- Love me? - Mmm... Yes.

I love me, too. I mean, I love you.

Did you want something or are you just a spectator?

Oh, no, sir. I just came to say I'm going off.

Oh, too bad.

I'll be here at 8:00 in the morning.

- Well, good night, madam. - Good night, Lucy.

Good night, sir.

You know, that girl should have worked for King Solomon.

Every night a giggle.

What about that drink you promised me?

Well, I guess I better make this a 64 Wing loving cup.

- What's that for goodness sake? - I'll show you.

First of all you link drinking arms with me like so.

Mmm-hmm.

Then we put our cheeks very close together like so.

Yes, and then?

- Then we forget all about the drinks. - Hey, Skip.

I forgot to tell you.

- Oh. - What?

Admiral Fields will be back soon after 9:00. He wants you to call him.

- Tonight? - Yeah. Flat two, first floor.

Okay, okay.

- Hank. - Yeah?

- Are you going now? - Huh?

Are you going now?

Yeah, as soon as I grab a snack out of the icebox.

Oh, that's a pity, I'm sorry you have to go so soon.

Well, I don't have to go.

- I'll stay here and keep you company... - No, no, no, thanks, Hank.

I appreciate it, but I wouldn't dream

- of interfering with your social plans. - I don't mind.

- No, thanks. - It's no trouble.

While you're at it, get good and drunk, will you? Good night.

- Can I get you a sandwich? - Mmm-mmm. I'm not hungry.

- More champagne then? - Not just now, darling.

No champagne? No sandwich? What then?

Darling, would you mind very much if I went to my room now?

Oh, no. You stay here and have a cigarette.

I won't be more than half an hour.

But, darling, a half an hour, that's a lifetime.

Hello, Exchange? How are you all?

Me too. Good night.

Why, Hank!

Psst. Psst.

- What are you doing here? I... - Shh!

- I thought you'd gone. - Are you alone?

- Yes, why? - Well, you ain't any longer.

- What are you talking about? - She's here.

- Who's here? - Mrs Vining

- I know that. - I know you know that.

But it's not that one, it's the other one.

- Which other one? - Candy, stupid.

- What do you mean... Candy! - Shh...

- I don't believe it. - Neither did I.

But I opened the door and there she was as large as life.

- What do I do? - What do you do?

What do I do, you mean.

Look, Hank, you've got to get her out of here.

I don't care how you do it but you've got to get her out.

- But how? - Bolt the door.

- That's it. Bolt the door. - Okay.

- How did you get in here? - Through the door.

- I'll bust you for this. - Me?

Oh, calm down, Laurie, it's bad for your blood pressure. Remember?

Now, you get out of here, get out of here this minute.

Oh, darling.

But you don't understand, I'm on my honeymoon.

No kidding, you really are married?

- Yes. - Yeah, it happened this morning.

Well, congratulations! I hope you'll both be very happy.

Well, it looks as though I arrived in the nick of time.

Are you in for a shock!

Now, look, if you must talk, please talk quietly. My wife's in there.

Correction, your wife is in here. I'm your wife.

You seem to forget I divorced you in 1947.

- So you said. - Well, I re-married today. Got it?

- Yeah, I got it. You're a bigamist. - Now I'm a bigamist.

The divorce you got in California is invalid in England.

- Invalid? - You know what that means?

Sure. Invalid? That's somebody who's sick.

Yeah, and that will be you if you don't shut up.

Now listen, Candy, I've divorced you and now I'm re-married, see?

Yes, in California. But over here you're still married to me.

You've got to get an English divorce to make it all legal.

So you see? He's not really married to her at all.

- Not here. - What am I gonna do?

Well, you could start by telling my wife-in-law.

- Yeah! - Are you two crazy?

Why? She'd walk straight out on me. And who could blame her.

Well, what are you gonna do?

- I don't know. - Don't worry, Skip.

- We'll think of something. - What with?

Yeah, what with.

Now don't start stripping.

Hey, Skip, you remember that time in California,

the fellow who came up in the bar?

'Signals? “Ship!

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, look out, buster, here we go!

Oh, no! Put me down! What are you...

Look after her.

Laurie.

Candy, I appeal to your better nature, please leave.

- No. I wanna stay and see all the fun. - What fun?

Well, you should ask that, with two wives on one honeymoon?

Well, don't just stand there, do something.

I am doing something.

- What? - I'm listening.

Laurie.

Laurie? Are you there?

- Candy, please. - I'll make a bargain with you.

Anything. Anything.

When I agreed to let you divorce me you promised me a settlement, remember?

Well, I never got it.

Well, if it's just a matter of money... How much do you need?

- $5,000. - $5,000? That's blackmail.

It's not blackmail. Enterprise.

- I won't pay it. - All right, then I'll have to scream.

Go ahead, scream your head off. Don't!

All right, Candy, you win. Keep her quiet, will you?

- Oh. - What's the matter, darling?

I thought I heard someone scream.

Yeah, it was me. I caught my head in the door... I mean, my finger.

- Oh, honey, let me see. Which one? - Oh, one of these. It's all right now.

- You sure? - Yeah, fine.

Well, what do you think of it?

- It's awful. - Awful?

Hey-My negligee.

Oh, yeah. I can't wait to see you in that. Go and put it on.

- But I've got it on. - Well, take it off.

What's the matter? Don't you like it?

Well, sure. You don't wanna wear it out, do you?

Laurie, you haven't even looked at it.

Oh, but I have. It's wonderful, delightful.

Go and let me see what you're gonna put on tomorrow.

- But I'm all ready for bed now. - Oh, well... Good night.

- Good night? - I mean, goodbye.

- I mean, how about another drink? - I haven't had the last one yet.

Yeah, that's right. We haven't even started yet, have we?

Well, look, darling, you go ahead in and I'll be with you in a minute.

Don't worry, I won't be long.

You're the one who's doing all the worrying.

All right, Candy, I'll give you a cheque if you leave right now.

Nothing doing. Cash only.

I don't carry $5,000 around with me. What do you expect me to do?

Well, that's up to you.

Where am I gonna get $5,000 at this time of night?

If I knew that, do you think I would be in this man's army?

Well, think of something, man. Think of something!

- I've been thinking all the time! - What have you thought of?

- Nothing. - Great.

Now, look, Candy...

- Candy, you've got to get out of here. - Not until I have that money.

Well, supposing my wife should... Where can we put her that's safe?

- Spare bedroom. - What? Next to ours?

From now on consider yourself a rating.

But there's nowhere else.

Oh. All right, come on.

I haven't said all I want to say about my divorce yet,

- so you better come to my room later. - Certainly not. It's downright immoral.

Since when has it been immoral for a husband to come to his wife's bedroom?

You are not my wife and I am not coming to your bedroom.

Oh, Laurie, how you've changed.

You used to say there wasn't another woman like me in the whole world.

Yeah, well, for once I was dead right.

- What a dame! - Will you please stop saying that?

Hey, I've been thinking.

You remember that Englishman that was in SHAEF with you?

- He was a lawyer, wasn't he? - Frank.

- Yeah. - That's right.

Quick, where's the phone book? Oh, here.

Hank, that was a brainwave. Let's see, Betterton, Betterton...

Under

Take it easy. Rest the brain. Ah, here it is.

Betterton F. Algernon, Putney.

I've got it. I've got it. I've got it.

He hears them and he answers back.

- Hello? - Hello. Is that you, Putney?

- I beg your pardon? - Is that Frank 30031?

Who is this? Laurie!

Good gracious. What are you doing back here?

This is wonderful. We must get together one evening.

Yes, we must. This evening. Listen, you remember I divorced Candy?

Yes. What?

Invalid? It's possible. Depends on the grounds, of course.

It's quite simple anyway. You just divorce her again over here.

She's there now.

With your second wife... With your second wife?

That is rather awkward, isn't it?

Well, look, come along to see me at my office on Monday morning, will you?

But I can't wait till Monday.

Listen, I think you better come around here and straighten this out tonight.

So sorry... No, not tonight, old chap,

I'm watching rather an interesting programme on British birds.

No, British birds.

They're not the same thing at all, old boy.

You will? Okay, fine. That's a good fellow.

Yeah, quick as you can.

Huh? Where are we?

- Right here. - Right...

The address, you numb-head.

- 63, Grosvenor Square. - 63, Grosvenor Square.

Okay, fine.

- Well, as long as Gillian doesn't see... - Laurie.

Oh!

Darling, I keep hearing... I thought I heard someone call out.

Yes, darling, it was Hank. He stubbed his toe.

No, I didn't, I was...

You see? Very painful.

I thought you'd gone long ago, Hank.

Yes, darling, he was going, but something very important came up.

- Yeah, in the elevator. - In the elevator?

Uh, yes, my overnight things.

He forgot to bring them up before but he's just going now, aren't you, Hank?

- Am I? - Yes.

Look, darling, why don't you run along back into the room

and I'll be with you just as soon as I've seen him out.

All right, darling. Well, good night, Hank.

I hope so, Mrs Vining.

- Come on, stupid. - Where are we going?

We're not going anywhere. You are.

- Can I stay and watch? - Look I want you to get a car laid on

in case Frank can persuade her to go.

Okay. Don't forget, Candy wants to see you in her room.

Now, what's the point of my going to her room?

Don't ask me, beer is my hobby.

Ah, that really is something.

- Yours? - No, yours.

Mine?

It was in your case. And this.

Oh, that silly fool, Hank.

He must have picked up somebody else's by mistake. A woman's.

I imagine so, dear.

Yes, well, I'll just take this in to her.

- In to her? - I mean, down to her.

Darling, there's nothing wrong, is there?

No. No, no, nothing at all.

- I'll just get rid of this. - And hurry back, it's getting late.

Well, darling, it's early yet.

- Aren't you tired? - No, no, not a bit.

Well, I am.

Oh, well, you run along to bed then, darling.

Ah! I thought someone had pinched that.

Well, they haven't. Get back in your room.

Not so fast. I want to talk to you.

Well, you can't. I've got something else to do.

Well, that will have to wait.

Look, isn't it enough you've ruined my honeymoon?

- Aren't you satisfied? - Well, are you?

Listen, I've got a lawyer on his way over here.

- He'll settle everything. - Criminal lawyer?

- Oh, certainly not. A straight one. - Laurie.

Quick, back in your room.

- Laurie, what are you doing? - Nothing, dear, nothing.

What are you trying to get into the guestroom for?

I wasn't trying to get in, I was trying to get out.

- Did you get rid of that bag? - Only just.

Oh! You mean the case. Yes.

Look, darling, why don't you run along back to your room?

I'll be with you before you can say Jack Robinson.

Jack Robinson.

Jack Robinson!

Oh, did I say Jack? I meant Charlie. Charlie Robinson.

Oh, nuts!

Charlie Nuts?

I've got something to say to you.

Oh, there's just one thing I want to say to you.

- Oh, what's that? - Jack Robinson.

So you've been listening, eh? Well, perhaps now you can understand

why I can't hang around here talking to you.

- We've got to talk sometime! - All right, but not now.

- Why don't you come to my room later? - Certainly not!

Well, if you don't come to my room, I'm going to come to yours.

All right, all right, you win. I'll come to your room later.

Quickly!

- Hey, Skip, the car's here. - Hank!

Hank, what the heck you think you're doing creeping around like that?

- I thought you might be asleep. - Fine chance of that.

What are you doing under there? Looking for something?

- I thought you were my wife. - Why, does she look like him?

- What a gal! - You stay. Come on, get out of here!

Well, I got the car. Now what?

- Now we wait for Frank to do his stuff. - Hey.

Supposing he can't talk her out of it, then what?

Supposing she stays here all night, then what?

Supposing a maid walks in in the morning and finds her here, then what?

And meanwhile, supposing that Mrs Vining bumps into that Mrs Vining, then what?

For Pete's sake, will you stop saying, "Then what?"

Well, if I can't say, "Then what?", what then?

Oh, why doesn't Frank get here?

- What can be holding him up? - There's another angle. Suppose...

Will you shut up and stop thinking?

Oh, why did there have to be a fog tonight?

And Frank's such a lousy driver.

That's Frank.

Just look at that busted fender of mine!

- You're right. I... - You fellas drive about over here

- as if you own the roads! - Well, I...

You goddarn fool! Why don't you look where you're going?

Hey, Frank!

Don't stand there arguing with the old fool!

Tell him to go lay an 699!

My dear sir, I think it only fair to point out

- that I happen to be a lawyer. - So what?

And If you'll observe the position of your car,

you'll see that you've been driving on the wrong side of the road.

Oh, yeah? But at least it's facing the right way.

- And what has that got to do with it? - This happens to be a one-way street!

Well, now he's here, I might as well shove off.

Oh, no, you're not! We're in this together.

If this ever gets out, we'll be thrown out of the service.

We? You got yourself two wives without any help from me.

Ah, yes, but you're a party to concealing the facts.

Who's concealing the facts? I'll tell the whole world!

- Commander Vining's got two wives! - Shut up, you idiot! Shut up!

- Commander Vining's got two wives! - Shut up, you idiot! Shut up!

Here, that's Frank now. Go let him in and stand by.

How do you like that?

He gets himself two wives and I'm left holding the baby.

Go on.

Good evening. I'm Betterton.

- Of Betterton, Betterton and Betterton. - Yeah?

Where's the other two?

Is Commander Vining here, please?

I don't want them. In there.

Hey, Skip?

- Thank goodness you're here, Frank! - I don't get it.

One guy comes to the door, says he's Betterton, Betterton and Betterton.

It don't figure.

They do everything in triplicate over here.

- Oh. - A friend of mine.

Oh, how...

Now, look, Frank, what's the course of action?

Oh, yes. I haven't been idle since I spoke to you on the telephone.

- I rang... I rang Hicks. - Yeah.

He's...

Hang...

- Flu? - Well, vitamins.

Supposed to be very good for me. I, um...

- I rang Hicks. He's my chief clerk. - Mmm-hmm.

And...

- So sorry. - It's all right.

Oh, here we are. Yes, I rung Hicks, my chief clerk,

I instructed him to cable America with a view to ascertaining

the exact grounds on which the divorce was granted over there.

Nice work, Frank!

Well, you should hear something first thing in the morning.

Great, great. I knew I could depend on you, Frank.

Well, that's that. I'll say au revoir and jolly good luck.

Au revoir? Wait a minute. You can't leave me like this.

After all, it was you who introduced me to Candy in the first place

- at that dance, remember? - I remember perfectly.

I escorted her there and you took her home.

Well, don't be sore about it.

After all, I let you take her mother home, didn't I?

Yes, I remember her, too. She weighed 20 stone.

- I should know. I danced with her. - Hey, Frank,

you were pretty stuck on Candy, weren't you?

Well, I certainly admired her very much,

I always thought she was very charming.

Do you remember the evening dress she wore?

It had a sort of a bare top with a sort of rather pretty cluster of...

- Yes, she was a nice girl, wasn't she? - Look, Laurie,

Candy's coming here is just a mad impulsive escapade.

I'm perfectly certain that she won't return to you.

Won't return? She's here.

- She's what? Where? - In that bedroom.

Good gracious me! And the bride?

In that bedroom. We're just one big happy family.

Really, Laurie, this isn't done, you know. Not in peacetime.

Have they met yet?

Not yet, but they will if you don't do something pretty quick

I do something? Why don't you do something?

I will. I'll mix us some drinks.

Uh, drinks, drinks, drinks. Ice, give me some ice.

- Where do you think you are? Home? - Well... What can I do?

What's the good of a lawyer when he can't tell me

what to do with wives on one honeymoon?

You're not supposed to have two wives on one honeymoon. One should be ample.

Well, darn it, man, it was not of my choosing.

It can happen to anybody. Even to you.

No, maybe not to you. I've got an idea!

- You have? - Yeah.

You've thought of means of getting Candy away?

- That's right. - No fuss?

- No fuss. - No scene, no scandal?

- No, thank you. - None, absolutely none.

Congratulations, Laurie. There's no need for me to stay then.

- But, Laurie... - Hold on, you haven't heard my idea yet.

- Frank... - Now look, Laurie,

this is not the sort of case that I want to get mixed up in.

Matrimonial tangles aren't quite in our line, you know.

Conveyancing is our strong point. It's dull but lucrative.

But won't you at least listen to my idea?

- Must I? - Of course you must!

- You're part of it. - Me?

Look, simple wartime tactics.

I go into Gillian's room and create a diversion,

while you tackle Candy in her room.

- I beg your pardon? - Isn't that a great idea?

- And it came to me just like that. - Yeah. You can forget it just like that.

Look, all you have to do is talk to her man to man.

But it's man to woman. A woman's a very different thing to a man.

- You've been looking at diagrams. - She'll only tell me to get out.

Not Candy. Just tell her she can have the money

as soon as the banks open in the morning.

- Then take her away in your car. - Where to?

How do I know where to? Where do you usually take women?

- I don't usually take them anywhere. - That's fine. Take her there.

I mean, supposing... Supposing she's undressed?

- So? - I'm going home.

But what's the panic? You're a bachelor, aren't you?

I cannot allow myself to be compromised.

Well, of all the selfish attitudes!

Don't you realise that Gillian's liable to walk out of that room at any moment?

And then think of the mess I'll be in.

What sort of mess do you think I'll be in?

Charging into the bedroom of a woman partially undressed.

Well, who asked you to charge in partially undressed?

I don't understand. What have you got to lose?

Wave my honour.

Oh, yes.

Well, all right. I'll get Hank to help you.

Oh.

- Hank? - Yeah?

- Oh, so you've been listening, huh? - Sure.

Thought I'd save you the bother of explaining.

All right, then you know what to do.

Get Mr Betterton in, and then get them both out.

Leave it to me, Skip.

Let's go, Casanova.

Hello, darling, I just popped in to see how you were.

Oh, fine. I'm having a wonderful time.

- Ah, that's the stuff. - What have you been doing?

Oh, just talking over old times with Hank.

- Oh. Is he back? - Yeah.

Honey, did I ever tell you about the time we were stationed in Hawaii?

No.

My mother prepared me for practically everything, but that.

Oh, that was a great station.

Yes, sir, let's see. That must have been back about '44.

- We had two squadrons there... - Laurie, honey, please kiss me.

Don't stop, honey, go on.

I remember we had Lockheeds and B-29s. Perfect flying weather.

Clear, sunny, not a cloud in the sky.

- Don't keep pushing me. I'm going in. - What's the matter with you?

If it was me, they'd have to hold me back.

- Come in. - Oh, no. This is it, professor.

Good luck!

- Oh, hello. - Why, Frank, what are you doing here?

Just passing through.

But, darling, I haven't seen you for years!

Candy, I'm here strictly on pleasure. I mean business.

- Oh, I mean business, too, darling. - Candy, please sit down.

- Mmm? - Please sit down.

Oh.

Now, I am here strictly as Laurie's lawyer.

And I wish you to come away with me at once.

Why, darling, this is so sudden!

What I have to discuss with you is entirely professional.

- Have you got the $5,000? - Not at the moment.

- But I give you my word of honour... - Oh, no! Nothing doing.

Every time I ever banked on a man's word of honour,

it always came back marked "RD".

Candy, can't...

Can't you see how distressing this whole affair is to my client?

Well, what about me?

Can't you see how impossible it is for you to stay here?

- Well, I'm Laurie's real wife after all. - It's a matter of conjecture.

- It's a matter of fact. - I can't understand your motives.

Surely you don't need the money all that badly, do you?

No. I shall only spend it when I get it.

Then why go to all this trouble?

Well, it was very naughty of him to go marry again without divorcing me first.

- He deserves to be punished. - Is that your last word?

- Can't think of a better one. - Very well then.

I intend to stay in this room until you've changed your mind.

Really? Well,

in that case, let's make ourselves comfortable, shall we, darling?

No. Candy.

...so Hank comes up to me, he says, "Look, Skipper, why bail out?"

I'd just as soon try and get the old crate down.

Well, let's see. All the fellows that did bail out,

they all got down safely. There was Harry and Joe and...

Look, honey, I can't remember all their names.

I'll just go and ask Hank what they were. I'll be right back.

- Don't... - Shh!

- Don't do that. - What happened?

It was most embarrassing. It really was most embarrassing.

You don't mean to tell me you left her in there.

- She absolutely refused to leave! - Fine thing.

How did you ever get to run a law business anyway?

I'm accustomed to dealing with clients who are fully dressed.

Hello? Oh, Admiral Fields? Yeah, sure, put him on.

- Commander Vining, sir. - Oh, right.

Hello, Vining. Glad to have you working on this mission.

Thank you, sir.

Come on down for a drink and I'll give you all the dope.

- You mean now, sir? Tonight? - Why, certainly!

But I've got my wife here, sir. This is my honeymoon. Sort of.

Well, congratulations!

I'll tell you what to do.

Bring your wife down with you. I'd like to meet her.

- Which one, sir? - Which one? How many wives do you have?

Oh! Just one, sir. What I meant was, there's someone else here.

An old friend of mine from SHAEF days. I wouldn't like to leave him.

Well! Bring him along, too. Bring him along.

No!

- He'd be delighted, sir. - Flat two, first floor.

- And don't be too long. - No, sir.

Right.

He wants to meet my wife and you.

- You can't take Candy down there. - No, of course not.

Or can I?

That's the answer.

- Well, I didn't expect you so soon. - Didn't you? I got a surprise for you.

- We're going to a party. - Oh!

- What's the catch? - No catch at all.

Unless you want to catch an admiral.

He wants to meet my wife and I guess that's you.

Well, if you're going, I suppose I haven't got nothing to lose.

Nothing at all. So get your glad rags on and let's get going.

Frank!

- Have you gone mad? - No. Don't you see?

This is our big chance to get rid of her.

- What if the Admiral has a wife already? - Not on the Admiral, you fool!

We just get her out of here and then we lose her.

What about your other wife?

Is she going to like us all leaving?

Well, I don't suppose she'll take too kindly to it,

- but what has to be, has to be. - Yes, but, Laurie...

- Hello, darling. - Why, hello, Mr. Vining!

Don't tell me you're going to bed at last.

Ah, so you are staying here, too.

- Or are you? - Well, as a matter of fact, darling,

I have to run downstairs and see the Admiral.

- Admiral? What Admiral? - Well, Admiral Fields.

At this time of night?

Well, darling, it's an order. Orders are orders, you know.

After all, you are married to a serviceman.

Thanks for reminding me.

Oh, there, there, darling. I'll get away just as soon as I can.

You know what these things are like. Stuffy. But don't you wait up for me.

- What was that? - I mean, do wait up for me.

Well, good night, darling.

You're ready? Good, come on.

- But who is this Admiral who wants to... - Admiral Fields.

He lives just across the square.

- I thought you said he lived... - You thought what?

I thought you said he lived just across the square.

Frank!

- Going down? - Yes.

So am I. Hop in.

- Where do you wanna go? - Uh, just across the square.

We don't go that far. Just go to the bottom and come back.

Well, you just drop us where you stop and we'll walk the rest.

I doubt it. It's getting very foggy out there.

- Really? - Yes.

A real pea souper. A person could lose themselves easy.

Oh, that's wonderful.

- That's thick. - It is thick, isn't it?

Don't worry, I can find my own way all right. Just hang on to me.

Are you sure you know where you're going?

Sure I'm sure. Looks about right.

Right?

- Oh, yes, yes! Yes. - Good. Run.

Laurie! Come back here!

Laurie! Laurie!

Laurie!

Well, we got rid of her that time, all right.

- Got rid of who, sir? - The maid. The cat!

- The cat. - I was taking her for a walk.

- Yeah. For a walk. - Round the square.

- I'm his lawyer. - My lawyer.

Good night, gentlemen.

Come on.

- Commander Vining to see Admiral Fields. - Yes, sir. The Admiral's expecting you.

Thank you.

Commander Vining, sir.

Ah, there you are, Laurie darling!

- Candy, what the blazes are you doing... - Hello, Vining.

Mrs Vining was feeling a little chilly. We've been getting along fine.

- Mrs Vining? - Don't look so worried, darling.

I was just explaining to Bill all about your headache.

Glad to meet you, Vining.

I've been looking forward to it, too, sir.

Uh, this is my old friend, Frank Betterton.

- Good evening, sir. - Oh, indeed. I...

You!

- Uh, you two have met? - Yeah. We met a short while ago.

- Head on. - Oh, you must be the old...

I mean, he must be the old fool who crashed into you.

- Thank you, Admiral. - Yeah. Thank you.

Well, sir, if you don't mind, we have to run along now.

No, no, no. Just a minute. What about the mission?

- I want to talk to you about it. - Well, with this headache, sir,

I really don't think I could concentrate.

- Come along, darling. - Bill,

why don't you come up to the flat with us and have a nightcap?

Well, the Admiral doesn't want a nightcap, do you, Admiral?

Why, there's nothing I'd like better! Besides, I'd certainly appreciate

the pleasure of escorting Mrs Vining to her door.

- Well, thank you, Bill! - Yes.

Well, that was very nice of you, sir. Thank you and good night.

- Uh, good night. - But, Laurie, we promised Bill a drink!

Well, we can't take him in there.

- Why not? Why can't we? - Yes, why can't we?

Oh, well. Very well, sir, but please be very quiet.

- We have a sick tenant on this floor. - Oh, is there? What's the trouble?

Ooh, nothing very much. Just scarlet fever.

Scarlet... Scarlet fever?

- Well, I'd better be on my way, then. - Oh, nonsense, Bill!

You won't disturb her. Besides, she's probably sleeping soundly by now.

Yes. Well, let's hope she is anyway, huh?

- Old boy, after you. - Yes. Right.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Do sit down and make yourself comfortable, Bill.

This is delightful. Oh, thank you, Mrs Vining.

- Shh! Not so loud. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Is it all right for me to whisper?

- What? - Can I whisper?

- Yes. - Sit down.

- Oh, no, ma'am. After you, please. - Oh.

No, no. Not you, darling.

I want you in the kitchen to help me with some drinks.

Frank, be a good fellow and entertain the Admiral for me, will you?

- Yes. - Oh.

No, thank you.

- What do you think you're doing? - Teaching you a lesson.

I ought to put you across my knee and tan the hide off you.

Why don't you try it? One step nearer and you're a dead duck.

- You wouldn't dare. - Oh, wouldn't I? Watch this.

- What was that crash? - It sounded like broken glass.

I heard what it sounded like, but what was it?

'III

- Oh, I beg your pardon. - Oh, no, ma'am, I beg yours.

I had no idea there was anybody else here.

- Neither did I. - I'm Admiral Fields, ma'am.

Oh, yes, my husband's gone down to see you, Admiral Fields.

- Your husband? - Commander Vining. I'm Mrs Vining.

- Mrs Vining? But I thought... - She was... She was Mrs Vining.

She's Mrs Vining. Uh, the Admiral's rather confused.

And who are you?

I'm Mrs Vining. I mean, I'm Frank Betterton.

Oh, tell me we're not in the wrong flat or something, are we?

Somebody is.

- You're getting better. - Don't worry, Mrs Vining.

I'll fetch your husband. He'll explain everything. He'd better!

Now, look, you stay right where you are until I get rid of the Admiral.

- What are you doing down there? - Laurie, what's going on here?

Nothing, nothing, dear. Um, have you two met?

- Yes. - Pity.

Uh, I think you better go now, Admiral. If you don't mind, sir.

But why?

Well, what is it?

- Scarlet fever. - Oh! Good night, ma'am.

Oh, dear.

- You understand, sir, I'm sure. - Oh, yes, yes, I understand.

Oh, but I don't understand, Vining. I met your wife downstairs.

- Now that one says she's Mrs Vining. - That's right, sir. My mother.

Oh, hello, darling. This is my very good friend, Frank Betterton.

We have met.

Yeah, Frank's just dropped in to wish us good luck. Haven't you, Frank?

- Good luck. - There. Isn't that nice?

I think someone else has just dropped in to wish us good luck, too.

Yes, darling. This is his charming little wife.

- Look... - Oh, how do you do, Mrs Betterton?

How nice of you to look us up!

Oh, I wouldn't have missed this for anything, Mrs Vining.

I'm sorry you have to rush off like this, Frank.

Laurie, don't be rude. They've only just come.

Yeah, well, good night, Frank.

- Good night. - Good night.

I don't see how we're going to get home in this fog.

- Is it thick now? - Oh, terrible!

A person could get lost in it. Almost.

Have you and your husband far to go, Mrs Betterton?

Oh, yes. We have a long way to go, haven't we?

- Then why not stay here the night? - No. No, we couldn't do that.

- Could we, Laurie? - No. No, no, no.

- Certainly couldn't do that. - But why?

Oh, I think he's feeling bad about barging in

on your honeymoon night, Mrs Vining.

Oh, I guessed that might be the reason. You won't put us out at all.

- You must stay. - Well, that's really very sweet of you.

It would be fun, wouldn't it, dear?

Nonsense. Not another word. You can't possibly drive in this fog.

And the least we can do is to offer you a bed.

I'll show you to your room, Mrs Betterton.

Well, thank you, Mrs Vining.

- I hope you'll be comfortable. - Oh, it's lovely!

You know, I shan't be sorry to get to bed.

If there's anything you want, just ask.

- That's funny. - What?

Oh, nothing. I'll show you the bathroom.

Outrageous! It's absolutely outrageous!

Don't worry, old boy. I think everything will be all right.

Dartmoor's full of people who thought that everything would be all right.

And there's a shower over here if you want it.

Oh, I think we're going to enjoy staying here very much, Mrs Vining.

Oh, and there's a dressing room through there

which connects with our room.

- I see you've got that habit, too. - What?

Rolling ties.

My husband always does it, you know.

Oh, well, Frank likes me to do it this way, too, Mrs Vining.

Oh, that's enough of "Mrs Vining". Please call me Gillian.

Oh, fine. And you must call me Ca...

- Carol. - Yes.

- Carol. - Oh, uh, darling,

Frank would like to see us a moment in the other room.

Oh, well, I'll just go and see about some sleeping things for Carol.

Okay, fine.

- Carol, Carol. Who the heck is Carol? - Me.

- Anything on your mind, darling? - Don't call me darling!

No, darling.

Don't you think you're playing a pretty low game?

- With my Frankie, you mean? - Now see here, Candy,

I am not going to have you taking a mean advantage of Frank.

Don't you understand? The poor goose never had any experience of women.

- None at all? - None at all.

What wonderful material!

Look, why don't you give the poor guy a break?

Well, certainly I will. It's time some girl did.

- Well, you can't both stay here. - But we must.

That's the whole fun of the thing.

You in one room with a woman who thinks she's your wife.

And me in another room with a man she thinks is my husband.

I found some things. I'll give these to your wife.

I expect you're dying to get to bed.

Look, if you do what I ask, I'll give you double the money you want.

Oh, hello, darling.

I was just showing Carol how these taps work here.

Oh, you needn't have bothered, Laurie.

Carol looks the sort of person who knows how taps work.

- Give these to Frank, darling. - Yeah.

- I hope he'll be comfortable in them. - Oh, so do I.

He's more used to wearing a nightshirt, you know.

- What's happening? Did you fix anything? - Yes. Here you are.

- What are these? - Your battledress.

- No. - But I haven't got a nightshirt.

I can't wear those. And I won't go in that room.

- But you must. - Now, look. I'll sleep in here.

On one of the chairs or the sofa.

And if Gillian should come in and find you, what happens then?

I could tell her the truth.

Do you mean to sit there and tell me

that you could look her right in the eye and say,

"Mrs Vining, the lady whose room I agreed to share

"is not my lawful wedded wife"?

No, no. No, old boy, then there really would be a scandal.

Look, don't you understand?

All you have to do when the time comes is to sleep in the dressing room,

and who's to know?

Frank. Frank, old boy.

For me.

Attaboy!

And don't worry 'cause I'll be there to keep you company.

When I think I could have been at home, listening to my bird calls.

Oh, come on, Frank. Think of the funny side of this thing.

Funny? I don't see anything funny.

- You will. - What do you mean?

Wait till you see yourself in those pyjamas.

Ah, come on, don't be like that about it, Frankie.

Remember, you're doing your good deed.

And look what my good deed has got me into.

A night of sin.

Aha! So...

You don't intend sleeping in the dressing room, hmm?

'Course I do.

What are my clients going to say?

You're not going to invite them, are you?

This is it. Hup!

Good night, old boy. And good luck.

Good night.

- Good night. - Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Come on in, Romeo.

They're in their room now, so give me the key.

Now what are you gonna do, Frankie darling?

I'll show you what I'm gonna do.

You thought you'd caught me, didn't you, huh?

You have to get up early in the morning to catch me.

What were you saying about getting up early?

Where's the key of the dressing room door?

Well, you should know that by now.

You don't propose to stand there all night, do you?

I said, you don't propose to stand there all night, do you?

Oh! No.

Aren't you coming to bed?

Yeah, sure.

When?

Well, let's see. What's today?

Laurie, are you sure there's nothing bothering you?

No! No, no, no. It's just this headache.

Headache? Where'd you get a headache?

- In my head. - Oh! How unusual.

Maybe it'd go away if you lie down.

No, no, no, no. Last thing I must do is lie down.

It's an old war wound I have up here, you see

and whenever the pain comes back I have to exercise it.

Exercise your head?

Yeah, it's kind of yoga, you know,

but it won't take more than a couple of hours.

A couple of hours!

Yeah.

One,

two, three,

four, five, six...

What are you going to do?

- Get undressed. - No, Candy,

- I beg you. - But I want to go to bed.

I absolutely forbid you to disrobe here.

Well, where else can I? This is my room.

Yes, but I'm here.

I know! Aren't you lucky?

Candy, you can't walk about in a petticoat.

Petticoat? I haven't got one.

You haven't got one... I don't understand.

Come over here a second and unzip me, will you?

- Un what you? - Unzip me.

Certainly not! I've never unzipped anybody in my life.

Oh, well. In that case, I'll have to do it myself.

No, no! Candy...

Well, it's not as bad as all that, is it?

I daresay you look very nice, but I can't see you.

You're making a lot of unnecessary fuss.

Why, people wear far less than this on the beach.

Yes, but everybody's looking then.

Well, I'm respectable.

Respect... Oh, Candy!

Well, what are you going to do now?

The keys. Where are they?

370,

371,

372,

373,

374,

375,

376...

Better now, darling?

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

You seem so preoccupied.

Preoc... Oh, I was just thinking about a pal of mine.

Must you think of him now?

Oh, his honeymoon wasn't exactly normal, you see.

Oh. Is this?

He was terribly in love with his wife, you understand,

but he didn't know whether he was married to her or not.

Didn't know? Where was he when the wedding took place?

No, no. I mean he didn't know whether it was legal or not.

So he couldn't be sure whether it was

all right to uh...

...honeymoon with her or not.

Why didn't he tell her about it?

He just didn't have the courage.

Oh. Laurie, you don't mean you...

No! No, of course not.

Oh, Laurie, darling, I'm so tired.

Please, please, can we get some sleep?

Oh! It's coming back.

I guess I didn't give it long enough treatment.

410, 411...

Yes, well, if you must know. I think you're very attractive.

Say that again.

Well, I do think that you're... You're...

Very attractive.

Give me the key.

What, after you've discovered that I'm very attractive?

Candy, I can't stay here.

Well. I tell you what.

You get into the wardrobe, while I get into bed.

In there?

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

614,

615,

616,

617,

618,

619, 620,

621,

62...

Can I come out now?

2,110,

2,111,

2,112,

2,113,

2,114,

2115,

2,116,

2,117...

Oh, it's you, Sergeant.

Who were you expecting? Stewart Granger?

Oh, no thanks. He's married.

Yeah. That's 'cause he didn't know about you.

Oh, go on, will you?

- They up yet? Come On. - No!

They must have had quite a party last night

judging by the glasses and empties.

So what?

When you want to go into a severe thing like marriage,

you got to have some sort of anaesthetic.

Oh, you...

I'm just naturally romantic. Does that surprise you?

Anytime, any woman says or does anything to surprise me

I will seriously reconsider my outlook on marriage.

Well, when that day comes, you know where I'll be.

I can only hope.

Come on, rustle up some chow. It's late.

Rise and shine, Skipper!

Uppy-uppy!

Hey, Skip. Wake up.

Skip! Snap out of it.

Oh, it's you, Hank.

Had a nice night?

Ah, ecstatic.

Where's Frank?

- Good morning, Hank. - Good morning, Mrs Vining.

- Oh, Hank. - Yeah?

You've served with Laurie for many years, haven't you?

Since he was a wolf in lieutenant's clothing.

And I guess you're very loyal and fond of him, aren't you?

Yeah, he's all right for an officer.

What I mean is, you two wouldn't have any secrets from each other, would you?

I don't know about that.

Anyway, I'm quite sure you'd be equally loyal and open with his wife.

Oh, sure! Sure, Mrs Vining.

Thank you, Hank.

Okay, I'll get the breakfast.

- I'll just take fruit juice. - Okay.

And I'm sure you know what that Candy likes, of course.

Oh, don't look so surprised, Hank. I know all about it.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

What's up with you?

You know something?

I've just been surprised by something a woman did.

You have? Oh, Sergeant!

What are you trying to do? Suffocate me?

Oh, Hank, I almost forgot. You might take a look at that bath.

Something's stopping it up.

Okay, Mrs Vining.

Morning, darling.

Morning.

- Have a good night? - Wonderful.

You'?

Fine.

Well...

Well?

Well, I'll go and see about breakfast.

Well, good morning!

- Where are my clothes? - How should I know?

You've been the cause of my doing the most dreadful things.

Why, Frankie.

You're entirely responsible for making me look an absolute fool.

Oh, come, come, old man. Don't give me all credit.

You through your complete irresponsibility

have forced me to spend the night in the most compromising circumstances.

You leave me no alternative.

I'll go to Mrs Vining, this second, and tell her the truth.

You do that and I'll call Gill and say,

"Betterton isn't really married after all

"and he's using our flat like a seaside hotel."

Why, you can't say that, I slept in the bathroom.

And Candy will confirm that?

Well, of course she will.

You don't know Candy like I know Candy.

This is a ghastly plot. You'll ruin me.

You know what this means, don't you?

- İf it gets out. - No, what?

I'll have to resign from the Conservative Club.

Oh, not necessarily, old man. I think we might hush it up.

- In the middle, more on you. - Here?

Thank you. There's nothing to hush up.

What are you laughing at?

I think the situation really is very funny.

Very funny.

You wait till my chief clerk arrives and tells you that you're a bigamist.

That'll take the silly grin off your face.

I've already decided on the move I'm gonna make.

What move?

You suggested it yourself yesterday, don't you remember?

I instruct you as my lawyer

to take fresh divorce proceedings against Candy.

So you've finally come to your senses at last.

Naming yourself as correspondent.

Look...

Good morning, Mr Betterton.

Here put this around you.

Breakfast, Carol.

- Breakfast, you two? - I'm starving.

Sign of an easy conscience, darling.

- Sit down, Frank. - Coffee, Frank?

I may call you Frank, mayn't I?

- I know what I like to call him. - Kipper?

I beg your pardon? No, thank you.

Where are my clothes?

Oh, the Sergeant took them out to be cleaned.

Good morning, everybody!

- Good morning. - Good morning, dear.

Coffee, Candy?

Oh, I'm sorry, I meant Carol,

I must have been thinking of someone else.

Why don't you eat something, Frank?

Not hungry? Perhaps sleeping in a strange bed has upset him.

Far, far more than you may imagine, Mrs Vining.

It always used to upset my first husband, you know.

Oh, I didn't know you'd been married before, Carol.

Why, yes. Didn't Laurie tell you that Frank was my second attempt?

No, not a word.

Why, you knew about it, didn't you, Laurie?

I... I don't think we ought to be talking about

your first husband in front of Frank anyway.

Oh, Frank doesn't mind. Do you, darling?

No, no! Rather not, darling. I'd love to hear about the bounder.

Most shocking fellow.

He'd shoot his own best friend any day.

He probably will yet.

Did you quarrel much?

Oh, all the time. We never stopped.

Well, maybe it wasn't his fault.

After all, it takes a couple to make a row, you know.

He'd usually had more than a couple.

Hey, you know what? The Commander and his lady,

- they had separate rooms. - So what?

So what indeed.

If you were married to me, would you have separate rooms?

If I was married to you, I'd have separate houses.

They're rowing cats and dogs in there.

So what, they're married, ain't they?

I'm beginning to wonder.

Hey, Lucy, what was that you did to me?

- What do you mean? - When we was in the lounge.

Oh, you mean this.

- Yeah, that was it. - Well, what about it?

You do it again, I'll knock your teeth out.

It's a pity you didn't find out his true character

before you married him.

Oh, I was warned.

I'd only known him a week when he proposed to me.

Oh, I should have taken that as a compliment.

You don't know what he proposed.

Laurie's been married before, you know.

And from what I heard, his first wife was the end.

Did he say that?

Mmm, yeah.

Oh, do go on, Mrs Vining, won't you?

Well, according to my husband,

she was nothing more than a gold digger and so terribly vulgar.

What's the matter, darling?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing at all. I just dropped something, that's all.

Just a load of bricks, that's all.

Of course, Gillian was only kidding.

I never said anything about my first wife to her.

Oh, but you did to me, old chap.

- Don't you remember? - To you?

Yes, about the way she drank like a fish.

And tell us about the time she ran away with a lion tamer.

Tell us about the...

Tell us about that, will you?

Oh! That's a new one to me.

But I must tell you the one Laurie told me.

Gillian, that's enough. Come on, I want to talk to you.

Oh, is it important, darling?

- Yes, very. - Excuse me.

So I'm vulgar, am I?

I'm a gold digger, am I?

And I drink like a fish, do I?

I was just playing up for their benefit, don't be angry.

It was just a little joke.

Now we're alone, we must be rational and sane.

Sane? I'm far from being sane at the moment.

I'm flaming mad!

Oh!

Yes, Laurie?

Well, it's a little difficult to know where to start.

It's kind of a long story.

Not the one you told me all last night I hope.

No, it's...

Well, it's about Candy, my first wife.

Well, I was a little rough on you, I admit, but...

Well, you've only got yourself to blame.

I like that.

I only wanted to frighten Laurie a little.

You merely succeeded in frightening me a lot.

It was very difficult for you.

But what about me?

A wife who didn't even know whether her husband wore long or short pants.

Which do you wear?

Short.

Good.

Hey, don't you ever do anything but eat?

Sure.

- What? - Dflnk

What was that for? I didn't do nothing to you.

That's what it was for.

Dames.

I may as well tell you that if you had tried to make love to me

in that room last night...

Oh, you're terribly damp.

Here drink some more coffee.

Thank you, darling.

What did you call me?

I didn't try to make love to you.

Well, maybe someday you will.

I guess I can stand it even if you do snore.

- I do nothing of the sort. - But you did last night.

Because I had to get up and put a pillow under your head.

You...

You saw me in the bath in my... Oh.

So the upshot of the whole thing is

I don't know whether I'm still married to her or to you.

I knew that, darling.

You knew that? Since when?

- Since last night. - Since...

Do you mean to tell me that you've been deceiving me all this time?

Why didn't you say?

Because I wanted you to be the one to tell me.

Why, you little...

I suppose you think I'm really a bad girl.

Yes.

Why don't you try kissing me and see what happens?

Why should I want to kiss you?

Because I think you're a little bit in love with me.

Maybe you always have been.

In love with you? Candy, I think you're right.

I knew it.

And what's more, I will kiss you.

Now, Frank! Frank, keep your distance.

Remember, I'm still another man's wife.

- You won't be for long. - Stop where you are, Frank. Stop.

I can't. You arouse me.

I'm sorry, Candy.

Saved by the bell.

Good morning, sir. I am Hicks

of Mssrs. Betterton, Betterton and Betterton.

Oh, yeah. I've met the chief Messer.

I have urgent business with a Commander Vining.

You and others, bud. Come on in. The party's just warming up.

Hey, Skip, there's a guy named Hicks, wants to see you urgent.

- Hicks? - Who the heck's Hicks?

He's my chief clerk.

- I'll go and see him. - Oh, no, no!

- I'll go. - Well, let's all see.

No, no! No, I'll go. Come in, Hicks, will you?

Oh, good morning, Mr Betterton, sir.

I had no idea you were spending the night here.

Neither did I, as a matter of fact.

I hope you didn't miss the bird call, sir,

most interesting.

Especially the call of the female meadow pipit.

Very interesting, Hicks.

Don't worry about that. What's the news?

Oh, the usual, sir. Russia has sealed off a sector of Berlin.

No, no, no, no, Hicks.

The business we were discussing last night.

The bus... Oh! Yes, sir, the business.

I sent off the cablegram as you suggested, to America

and they have promised to cable the result to their London office.

What was the result?

Uh, I beg your pardon?

What...

What was the result?

I'm sorry, sir. Slight technical hitch.

Uh, testing.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

It's all right now, sir. I'm receiving you. You were saying?

- What was the result? - The result of what?

- Oh, Hicks, please. - The result of their enquiries.

I don't know, sir!

- You don't know? - Well, what did you come here for?

To tell you, sir.

Hicks, have you been drinking?

- Eh? - Have you been drinking?

No, no, no, sir, no. I came to tell you that

they were forwarding the result of the enquiries direct here

as soon as their London office opened.

We should be hearing something at any moment now, sir.

Hello?

No, this is not the Wellbeck Maternity Home.

At least I don't think it is.

- You're okay, aren't you? - Really, sir.

What is all this?

We're just trying to establish exactly who your marriage partner is,

Mrs Betterton.

Mrs Betterton?

What's so surprising about Mrs Betterton?

I beg your pardon, sir?

What's so surprising about Mrs Betterton?

I'm afraid it's gone again, sir.

- You're not plugged in. - Eh?

I said you're not plugged in.

Hello?

Hello? Yes.

Keep your fingers crossed everybody. Yes.

Oh. It was.

It's not?

Never.

You don't say!

It couldn't be!

It isn't?

It is!

It is, everybody! Darling, we're not married!

Oh, it's wonderful, Laurie!

When you two are quite finished.

As for you, you're coming with me.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are you going?

To the nearest registry office.

- Good morning, Mr Betterton. - Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Mrs Vining.

I'm just on my way to see your husband.

Oh! He's not my husband any more. I just divorced him.

Oh, darling, Candy. Wait in my car, will you?

KLH 806. I'll just get my clothes.

Not likely!

Ah, I don't believe it. Alone at last.

Good morning, Vining.

Your mother's getting better.

My mother? Oh! No, sir. She's perfect.

In fact, I just married her. As for now, we're on our honeymoon.

No, no, you're not, my boy. I've just got the orders.

You leave for Paris right away.

- Paris? But what about my honeymoon? - Your wife can go along too.

Loan? Oh gosh, isn't that wonderful, darling?

A Paris honeymoon.

Yeah, just fine, but what am I gonna do there, sir?

You're gonna set up a Special Women's Intelligence Corps.

Women's Intelligence Corps? Sounds like a lot of work.

Sounds like a lot of women.

No, you don't need to worry. Lieutenant Browning will be around,

take most of it out of your hands.

I'll just call the Lieutenant in and she'll give you all the details.

- She? - Yeah.

Meet Commander Vining, Lieutenant.

Laurie, darling!

Babs, what a pleasant surprise.

I'll bet!

The way you walked out on me in Hawaii.

You just try getting rid of me again.

Another Mrs Vining?

- Well I... - Start talking, buster.

Well, darling, look, I can explain the whole thing.

Let's all make up for lost time.

Wait till he gets back to Paris.