Original subtitles

>> hello, america.

I'm carter hawkins, reminding You to join me, carter hawkins,

One week from tonight for the Haggar slacks presidential

Debate.

Nailed it.

>> hawk, I think you slipped in An extra "Carter hawkins."

>> [ laughs ] Who is it that says that?

Come on, who always says it?

>> my whore mom.

>> ha-huga!

So, what kind of questions am I Asking these wipes?

>> mr. Killface, given china's Continued undervaluation of the

U.N., do you support imposing Tariffs on their imported trade

Goods?

>> killface: um, tariffs -- Wait.

>> you have 90 seconds, sir.

>> killface: I can hear the Microwave.

Um, and I had -- is it -- is it Hawley-smoot?

>> well, I don't know.

Is this 1930?

>> killface: it's not teapot Dome, is it?

>> no, it's not teapot -- >> killface: ah!

Something d.O.O. Economics.

>> are you reading off my Talking points?

>> killface: no, these are Blank.

I'm winging it.

>> how do you expect to win this Debate if you're not prepared?

>> killface: well, how do you Expect me to prepare with you

Sloughing off fuzz like a new Towel?

>> it's because you're stressing Me out.

>> killface: stress doesn't fill Up two whole vacuum-cleaner

Bags.

>> bags, what is this, 1930?

Get a bagless upright.

Hey, your hole's better.

>> killface: explain.

>> so, back when I was at labor, My partner, cody, who was always

Kind of a loose cannon, got Jammed up on a bad shooting.

>> I need an ambulance.

>> I'll call you a hearse.

This is for cody.

>> what are you doing?

>> here hold this.

You're going down for this, Cody!

You're a loose cannon.

>> the defendant is hereby Sentenced to a term of no less

Than seven years.

>> oh, my god.

>> psst, cody.

Cody, cody. Cody!

Cody! Cody! Cody!

>> damn, cody, answer the man.

>> what?!

>> what are you gonna do With your jet ski?

>> wendell!

>> oh, and your wife?

Because I could have sex with Her while you're in prison.

>> [ sighs ] >> how about that?

Now he's in the joint, so I'm Using his contacts for

Fund-raising.

>> yeah, there's no record of You ever working for the

Department of labor.

>> well, duh.

I was on loan from the c.I.A.

>> yeah, we contacted them, too, And they won't confirm or deny

Your story.

>> that's the beauty of it.

Nobody knows if I worked there Or not.

Worked for steven seagal.

And he works for Osama bin laden.

>> steven seagal?

>> that's why the taliban is so Deadly and effective -- hapkido

Training.

Where'd they learn that?

From steven seagal's fat ass.

>> I don't think you can say That.

>> why do you think Kelly lebrock left him?

'cause he's taliban.

So, yeah, this is -- I'm Undercover.

>> killface: undercover for What?

>> all right, wendell's Volunteered to look into some

New fund-raising avenues.

>> yep.

Commence operation meth nazis.

>> killface: operation what?

[ crashing ] Wendell!

>> bye!

[ door closes ] >> killface: I don't have a

Great feeling about this.

>> oh, grow up.

Do you know how many american Politicians are funded by the

Neo-nazis?

>> killface: shut up.

>> my god, there's congressman [bleep] And senator [bleep]

Oh, not to mention Vice [bleep] [bleep]

>> killface: going to bleep Those, I hope.

>> but none of that's going to Matter if crews beats you in

This debate.

>> killface: ppbbtt!

I'm not overly concerned about The dialectic talents of

Xander crews.

>> maybe, but you can bet your Thick, meaty buns he's

Surrounded by experts.

>> xander: guys, no, no!

Come on, let's talk this out.

Yah ha ha!

[ laughter ] My arm, bitch!

>> wow, hurtful.

>> xander: my alter ego's got to Prepare for the debate.

>> sorry, "X."

Hooper's orders.

>> xander: well, there is gonna Be a reckoning, and you and

Mr. Hooper are gonna rue the day You crossed awesome "X."

>> yeah, I'm bummed out a little Bit.

Here.

Got to make it last a week.

>> xander: gonna rue that Reckoning!

[ laughter ] [ sighs ]

Good thing is, don't see it Getting any worse.

>> oh, good.

You have ass-wiping t.P.

I'm using already my allotment.

The citizens of crusty town will Thank you.

>> so, you and ronnie -- a Little history there?

>> little bit, yeah.

>> xander: what are you -- >> shh, shh, shh.

>> xander: hey, that's awesome "X" you're caressing.

>> shut your mouth.

Now I will glue this to your Head, and then I make love to

Your face.

Which, not what I call "Making Love."

I would call it...

The shame spear of...

Hurt.

>> how long you'll stay mad at Me for that?

>> xander: for raping me?

Uh, it's gonna be awhile, buddy.

>> well, you framed me for Murder of jimbo.

>> xander: it's not the same Thing!

>> oh! Oh!

Launching the brown october.

>> xander: how has some lucky Girl not snatched you up?

>> I think if they -- >> xander: shut up.

How can they just dump me for Hooper like that?

>> oh, those guys follow Anybody.

Like ship.

>> xander: how's that like a Ship?

>> no, sheep -- baa!

The little slut of the barnyard.

Remember focusing group?

>> so, vote for me, america.

Because border security isn't For the birds, right?

>> [ chirping ] >> paid for by the committee to

Elect killface.

>> now, who liked that version Of promo 7-b?

[ all talking ] >> came right out and grabbed my

Attention.

>> excellent.

>> why is there penguin in the Desert?

>> I fought with that imagery!

>> me, too!

>> hold on, now.

>> also, this grape soda is Crap.

>> what is this, liquid anger?

>> ahh!

>> killface: and there goes the Security deposit.

>> you whore!

>> killface: oh, wave to dottie.

>> xander: I do not remember That, no.

>> yah, you weren't there.

All right, now we are wrestling For top bed bunk.

>> xander: ronnie, I'm not Gonna --

Ha!

Ronnie, I don't have time for This!

>> old-time greeks are doing This naked.

>> xander: dude, I got to find a Running mate, stop hooper from

Assassinating killface and Destroying the world, and

Somewhere in there, prepare for The debate.

>> I could make flash cards, ask You some practice questions.

>> xander: good, yes.

And let's revisit that, but I Was thinking about escaping.

>> oh, well, then, please to Following me.

>> xander: [ sighs ] What the [bleep] Dude?

>> oh, you can see has been Chopped?

>> xander: it's actually not Bad.

>> no, no, I'm embarrassed.

Is crap.

>> xander: [ gasps ] >> is good hole, though.

>> xander: how did you dig Through space metal?

Yeah, but...

[ imitating johnny carson ] Oh, I did not know you had those.

Johnny carson.

>> johnny carson is violin man With slave?

I know this man from television.

>> xander: we don't have time For this.

We need to go warn killface.

>> but why to help not only Mortal enemy, but also political

Opponent?

>> xander: not that it's any of Your business, but...

I have no plausible explanation.

>> killface: well, how about This?

"Vote for me, or I'll push this Dung heap of a planet smack into

The sun.

>> look, I worked hard on those, And since the annihilatrix

Couldn't push me to the store, I'd appreciate it if you'd focus

On the damn talking -- >> killface: [ laughs ]

Oh, that reminds me, I should Fix the annihilatrix.

>> yeah, this thing's cashed.

>> what do you mean, "Cashed"?

>> see, back in there?

That coupling's melted.

>> [ high-pitched voice ] I Always pictured the couplings

Being, like, this kind of huge, Hosey thing, you know, like up

In the main engine area?

Do I sound -- I think my thing Is broken.

>> well, can you fix it?

>> wait, you mean his helmet?

Oh, the annihilatrix.

Yeah, piece of cake.

Only...

>> only what?

>> ronnie's got the pliers.

>> why does he always get the Pliers?

>> attention, bay, this is Hooper.

Escort ronnie down with the Pliers.

>> copy, copy.

Negative on escort.

Prisoner's not on board. Over.

>> where the devil did they go?

>> interrogating the witness Now.

>> witness?

>> oh, no, crash-landed on my Planet, didn't you?

You're gonna have to pay for That, lady.

>> detention bay, come in.

>> oh, yeah, you get down there And you clean it.

>> idiots!

>> hurtful.

>> all right, I'll deal with Killface.

You, screech, find a hardware Store, buy some pliers, and fix

This damn thing!

>> am I gonna get reimbursed for That?

>> ahh!

[ car alarm beeping ] >> you, pliers.

>> yep.

>> hey, save your receipt, man.

>> don't need a receipt.

Team player.

>> the rest of you, find ronnie And that ridiculous awesome "X."

>> but what if they split up?

>> I would not worry about that.

>> mmm.

>> xander: quit grinding your [bleep] Dick on me.

>> I can not find comfort.

>> xander: how about finding Killface's house?

>> okay, but first, guess what?

>> xander: what?

I feel like hobbit on eagle.

>> xander: well, that's great, Ronnie.

>> bilbo -- bilbo baggins.

>> xander: because now you guess What?

Whoa!

>> pull up, eagle!

>> both: ahhhh!

Oof!

>> xander: [ coughing ] >> oh, eagle, we will never make

It to the battle of five armies Now.

>> xander: yeah, can you do me a Favor and just never stop

Talking?

>> are you sad, eagle?

>> xander: no, there's just Usually some nerds around here.

>> this must be the right place Then, 'cause I am looking at two

Right now.

I'm kidding.

Did you guys bring the stuff?

>> xander: what stuff?

>> wait a minute.

Gary did send you guys, right?

>> xander: oh, gary.

>> gary.

>> xander: gary.

>> you mean g-money.

We know that guy.

Send us here.

>> xander: to you from...

Somewhere else.

>> well, then, get on the Scooter.