Original subtitles

'cause I took an oath to Protect him, you know?

Lay down my...Life.

Can you turn it off?

Please?

No? Okay.

Anyway, so, where's wendell, you Know?

Where's wendell when the [bleep] Going down?

Killface: it was "The edge."

Xander: yeah, I got it.

Killface: tony hopkins.

Xander: two.

[ splash ] Three.

[ sniffles ] But, uh, you know, lucky for

Him, though.

Xander: how the hell did you Miss?

No, no, no, no. You wait.

Xander: what?

[ clicking ] Yeah, no, I'm done.

Xander: yeah, you're damn Right you're...

Oh, that's lame.

Killface: my god, did you see That?

Xander: yeah, and I'm curious To know where the [bleep] She

Got robot pants.

Yep, it's all there -- 10 grand.

"Bazinjamins."

[ mumbling ] Yes, it'll fit.

My ass is not that big.

Killface: no, when valerie Missed, it was --

But you never know how a Guy's gonna react to a

Near-death experience, you know?

It can really kind of...

Put the zap on you.

Killface: it was a miracle.

Well, it certainly was lucky.

Killface: shut up.

It wasn't just luck.

Okay, it was a miracle.

Ever get any good press about That whole ducky debacle,

That'll be a miracle.

Killface: don't just toss "Miracle" around.

Oh, it's just a figure of Speech.

Killface: no, this was a Physical manifestation of a

Higher power.

[ gasps ] Where are you going?

Killface: I have to go get The bible.

Fantastic.

Xander: yeah, I guess it was Lucky, but if you didn't make me

Go on that stupid duck hunt, I Wouldn't have got shot at in the

First place.

[ groans ] Xander: and so now we got to

Do this all day.

But you're scheduled to give A speech to the national

Organization of ladies.

Xander: so send fred dryer.

You can't even get him on the Phone.

Xander: put a tank top on Him, he reads "The vagina

Monologues" or whatever -- dude, You'll need hip waders to walk

Through there.

Damn it, fred dryer -- Xander: bap, bap!

Turn around.

Let me do your back.

Yeah, killface and his Miracle.

That was -- he was full-on about It.

Killface: I mean, have you Read this?

I just can't believe -- it's got Wars and plagues.

And this one fellow moses Drowned about a million in the

Red sea.

It is smashing.

And I think it's great you Find it so rewarding.

Killface: no, but you haven't Heard about noah.

He built an ark.

Killface: how does everybody Know this?

Tiny babies know about noah's Ark.

And can you please stop doing That?

Yeah, I'm done...

Nailing jesus.

Killface: should I have got The big one?

Trust me -- No, I don't even know if I'm

On studs here, so I think we're About at the load limit.

And again, you know, sorry I Almost got you killed.

Wendell, you are forgiven.

Good bit of that in here, Actually.

Yes, and now, about that.

But, you know, we all go Through these phases.

For a while there, I was Actually real big into nascar.

And, as you know, american Voters insist on a christian

President.

Killface: that's me.

I'm christian in spades.

But you have to be subtle About it.

Killface: I'm subtle in Spades!

They also don't want you Using the word "Spades" all the

Damn time.

What are you wearing?

Hey, this is the real, Authentic stuff, man.

Could we talk about the Campaign?

I mean, call me crazy, but -- Killface: they called noah

Crazy.

But guess what?

They all drowned. Ha!

But then ham saw noah drunk and Naked, so noah cursed him.

And so that's why, um, black People were slaves or something.

I don't know. It's pretty vague.

Did you actually read that Bible?

Killface: mm, more just sort Of skimmed it.

Well, there'll be plenty of Time to read it on the bus to

New hampshire.

You need to go to Dixville notch, shake some

Hands.

Killface: I wouldn't shake Hands with a new hampshirite for

All the tea in china.

Well, why ever not?

Killface: because they just Legalized civil unions between,

You know...

The gays.

Holy [bleep] Really?

But we're democrats.

We're for that.

Holy [bleep] Really?

Killface: well, then, I guess Leviticus was a republican,

Because -- wait, hang on.

Ah-ha!

He goes, "If a man lies with a Man as with a woman" -- I.E.,

Pushing him to the store -- What?

Killface: "They shall surely Be put to death."

Holy [bleep] Really?

First of all, leviticus Wasn't a person.

Killface: well, demigod, Whatever.

And second, leviticus also Says if a man has an emission of

Semen, he must wash his entire Body with water.

Anybody in the bathroom?

And third, the only thing I Need to hear out of your mouth

Is "Global warming."

Killface: junk science!

I beg your pardon?

Killface: not in the bible.

Doesn't exist.

Lamont, shut it.

And -- I'm serious.

And everybody, get on the bus.

Just a second!

On the bus to where?

Killface: to spread the good News.

Anyone have a tranquilizer Gun?

Killface: won't affect me.

I've got a force field of god's Love.

Democratic nominee killface Made headlines today, but not

The good kind like you want.

Killface: because there's no Such thing as global warming,

But if you're looking for Alternative fuel sources to

Power your tie-dye machines, Just burn all your books.

This baby -- the only book you Need.

And it says right here in Deuteronomy, "A woman must not

Dress like a man."

And I see a lot of pants out There, ladies.

Maybe that's why god's giving You all so much breast and

Ovarian cancer.

Gonna wear pants to your Mastectomy?

And I honestly don't even know Where to start with you people.

Maybe your grandad saw noah Drunk.

I don't know.

So, when you step into that Booth on election day, ask

Yourself one question -- why?

Why did you people kill him?

[ all gasp ] [ glass breaks ]

And turns out muslims aren't The only ones who still throw

Rocks.

Turning to sports, the lenox Avenue lady bugs doping scandal

Heats up.

My god, this is fantastic.

Xander: well, they just want To win.

Get them, lady bugs.

Killface.

Xander: yeah, but, shouldn't We be out there, like,

Countering his message?

He's countering his own Message.

All we need to do is lay back And watch him self-destruct.

Xander: yeah, that's what We're doing.

That's my new directive.

Bap, bap!

Xander: hey, I "Bap, bap."

The hawk is coming on.

Xander: you don't "Bap, bap."

I'm carter hawkins.

Today's topic -- religion.

Killface finds it -- finally, a Democrat who's not a godless

Sodomite.

Grace ryan, harper ellis, talk It.

There's two words for this -- Political suicide.

The man has alienated every Single group in the democratic

Party -- environmentalists, the Blacks, the jews, the feminists,

The gays.

And yet, their secret agendas Continue.

Wait, whose?

All of them.

The guy is handing the whole Election to crews.

Which I hope to be first Lady, so...

Xander: ha! Fat chance.

Get up there and clean that off, Mr. Bap bap.

Bap, bap!

My next guest, killface.

Thanks for joining us on the Hawk!

Killface: don't thank me, Carter.

Thank god.

Otherwise, he might make it rain Frogs.

Then were are you, hmm?

Up to your tits in frogs.

Harper, rebuttal.

To what?

I have a question.

Killface: bap, bap!

Timothy 2:11 says women aren't Supposed to talk.

But I'll allow it.

Continue.

As a democrat, don't you Support a woman's right to

Choose?

Killface: you mean her right To be a whore?

My god, what else is on your Christo-fascist agenda, the

Mandated teaching of creationism In our public schools?

Killface: and I suppose you Believe in evolution.

[ mumbling ] Killface: just a second.

There's a good bit coming.

Well, who built the pyramids?

Did the monkeys build the Pyramids?

Look! Look at him!

Where's your pithy rejoinder Now, mr. Handsome pretty face?

[ mumbling ] Killface: simon!

[ mumbling ] Killface: of course you can.

You can -- let's talk.

Let's rap.

[ mumbling ] Killface: yes, but what's

That got to do with -- Yeah, but...

[ mumbles ] Killface: so, yeah, turns out

Simon's gay.

Called it!

Killface: shut up, wendell.

And I don't know if this will Have any impact on the election.

Any impact?!

After all your [bleep] Gay bashing?

Crews is just gonna kill us on This one.

Killface: no, he wouldn't do That, would he?

Boosh!

Dude, we have got to jump on This with both feet.

I want web tv.

I want blue tube.

Nope, we leave this one Alone.

Xander: why?

Because two words -- John kerry.

Xander: who?

Exactly.

Xander: is he some sort of Famous gay dude?

You know, you're one to talk Lately.

Xander: what's that supposed To mean?

Just that you're just really Kind of creeping me out right

Now.

Xander: damn it, I have to Finish this.

But it's gonna be like Fred dryer's staring at us while

We have sex.

Xander: exactly.

Well, I say you got to drop Out.

Killface: well, I say shut up Because it's not your decision.

It's simon's.

What you think?

Want your old man to be President even though he can be

An ass?

[ mumbling ] Killface: you don't have to

Be crappy.

And so we just talked, and he Finally let me in.

And turns out, he's a really Neat kid.

All that angsty posturing -- a Lot of that's my fault, turns

Out.

That's my weighing him all the Time.

That's weighing his portions.

And the soy -- just been soy Mad lately.

Although I wonder...

You wonder?

Killface: well, if soy turns You gay.

Even if it does, so what?

I don't give a fat fig if my son Is gay, as long as he's happy,

'cause I love him.

Does sort of explain a lot.

How so?

Killface: oh, I don't know.

Little things.

The gay porn.

Xander: oh, for [bleep] Sake, Look at all the chicks on the

[bleep] Box!

Killface: and I'm sure lots Of nice folks out there can

Reconcile their christian faith With tolerance of homosexuals.

I just personally couldn't.

And so, the first thing is simon Has decided the campaign shall

Go forward, so on to New hampshire.

That turns out it's just a Primary, and you've already got

Nominations, so, well, I got That totally wrong.

Killface: well, well done, Dummy.

What happened to forgiveness?

Killface: oh, that's the Second thing.

As of this moment, I officially Renounce -- ooph!

[ beeping ] Christianity.

[ explosion ]