Original subtitles

>> so, this is a pretty Important errand?

>> I wouldn't exactly call it An errand.

It's more of a mission to affect The purchase of the campaign

Vehicle for which papa bear gave Me 9,000 bucks.

Not too [bleep] Shabby.

So, you know, let me do the Talking.

>> hey, there, welcome to Rodeo ron's.

>> 'cause with these hicks, you Got to play hard to get, like

You don't really want it.

Without even driving it, I will Pay any price you ask for this

Bus.

Name a price.

>> you're a man who knows what He wants.

I bet you the ladies like that.

>> oh, yeah.

Old wendell's dragged the old Pineapple through quite a number

Of ladies.

>> is that right?

>> I'm all in.

Flop the river, yahtzee.

There's the whole 9 grand.

>> 9 grand?

Buddy, I wouldn't sell you that Piece of [bleep] For 9 grand.

>> what? Ahh!

>> yeah, are you feeling it, Wendell?

>> are you jane's addiction?

>> wendell, look at me.

A new christmas present, Wendell.

>> aah! A new christmas present?

[ screaming ] >> hey, what the hell's wrong

With you?

>> what's that?

>> this bus is 400 grand.

>> 400?!

That's pretty freaking steep for A bus with a bent gear shift.

>> what?

>> shift is bent.

>> it's angled.

>> no, down at the bottom.

It's all bent up.

>> ain't nothing bent up down Here.

>> what, are you trying to bend It back?

Oh, hey, is that rival Documentarian michael moore's

Fat ass over there?

What's he doing?

Point the camera over there.

>> buddy, you are an idiot.

[ gunshots ] >> cheese and rice, he shot

Himself -- with my gun somehow.

I got to take him to the Hospital.

>> wendell!

>> I'm coming!

>> [ sighs ] Fantastic.

[ horn honks ] >> xander: [bleep] You, buddy.

>> what in the...

>> xander: what?

Well, then, keep driving.

>> oh, my god.

[ horn honks ] >> xander: we're

Member-supported, dick!

>> excuse me.

>> xander: what?!

>> hi, yeah, I'm making a movie.

>> xander: uh, not interested.

Well, either pull over or [bleep] Off.

Already made a movie last year, And turns out that wasn't

Even the real howard hessman.

And also a lot less boy-girl Than the box art would have led

You to believe, so, personal Disappointment.

>> this is a documentary.

>> xander: uh, already made one Of those, too, which I didn't

Even get paid for.

Read your release forms, kids.

>> and good advice.

Can we sit down?

>> xander: yeah, these have a Few more minutes.

>> okay, and we're -- >> xander: happy with this

Backdrop?

>> it's fine.

Here's what we're -- Wow, well, that's kind of

Ironic.

>> xander: how's that?

>> 'cause that you used to own The company that made the

Refrigerator that came in the Cardboard box that you live in

Now.

>> xander: I'm not real sure That's what irony is.

>> it actually kind of exactly Is.

>> xander: no.

>> well, it is.

>> xander: tomato, tomato.

>> that's actually exactly what It is.

>> xander: look, I got things to Do here.

>> you cooking a cat you found?

>> xander: needles.

I boil them, sell them back to The junkies.

All goes to fund the outreach Center, which is right over

There.

>> I assumed you were doing Something else here by the road.

>> xander: no, just giving back To these crack-addled skeletons

That wander the streets of the Town.

Got the needle program, do a Little counseling.

Got the loosies over there.

>> loosies, as in?

Um, those are loose condoms.

>> xander: I rinse them out.

>> you don't sell those to People?!

>> xander: ew, no.

No, I just rinse these out and Throw them back where I found

Them.

>> okay.

>> xander: that's not a crime.

>> actually, this is a Documentary about killface.

>> xander: is it called "Check Me out, I suck?"

>> no, it is not.

>> xander: good, 'cause I was Already in that one.

And, apparently, there was no Box art, so, low-budget.

But I only got in the porno Business in the first place

'cause killface, you know, Totally ruined me

Financially-wise.

>> killface: I've got the check For your entire fortune of

$20 billion.

>> don't you come over here, Talon man.

I know your powerful kicking Tricks.

You throw it.

Throw them on three.

>> killface: no, I think it's Windy for that.

>> one, two, three, throw!

>> killface: ahh!

[ wind howls ]

>> xander: through no fault of

My own, by the way.

>> but why live here and not Your house?

>> xander: well, various Factors.

>> [ shouting ] >> xander: all right, already.

I'm going.

God.

>> he is so jealous.

>> [ laughs ] >> I mean, another guy even

Looks at me, and he just goes Bananas.

>> I don't care if they look, But if they touch, sucker m.C.

Gots to pay.

>> yeah.

We're doing really great.

>> xander: [ scoffs ] >> so, old spice is her pimp?

>> xander: and don't even get me Started on the whole lack of

Loyalty there, not to mention my Sheets, which are like a jillion

Thread count.

Now they got chinaman [bleep] On Them.

>> oh! Oh!

Oh, god. Oh, god.

Yeah, come on, you big, black Son of a bitch.

Oh, yeah.

>> yes.

>> xander: yeah, and he really Put the spurs to her, and I mean

That literally.

>> wait, what?

>> xander: he used my Great-granddad's whoring spurs.

>> I did not know they had Those.

>> xander: apparently, whores Back then were kind of logey

From all the tuberculosis.

[ coughing ]

[ glass breaks ]

I'm hoping that's just a summer Cold.

>> me, too. I'm downwind.

>> xander: oh, man, what are we Doing?

>> uh, so, why not just go live With the xtacles?

>> xander: 'cause they're dicks.

And also, why would I do that?

>> 'cause awesome "X" is your Alter ego.

>> xander: well, I didn't know You knew that, and also, plus,

'cause they're dicks.

>> hmm, that's mysterious.

>> xander: oh, hooper, you can't Find your flip-flops, can you?

>> who keeps putting my cubby Way down here?

>> what's going on?

>> xander: ah! What? Nothing!

>> oh, checking out the new guy, Hooper, huh?

>> xander: so?

Doesn't make me gay.

>> hey, dude, don't ask, don't Tell.

>> xander: can you even be gay For a robot?

Bee-boo-boop! I am a gaybot.

>> you think we're robots?

>> xander: may I offer you a Robot blow job?

>> but...This is just armor.

>> xander: power down, gay Robot.

That is an earthman order.

>> okay, hang on.

>> xander: [ gasps ] Oh, my god.

>> that's what I've been saying.

>> xander: you look so...Real.

>> [ sighs ] >> xander: can I touch you?

>> kind of prefer you didn't.

>> xander: just be still.

Feel my touch.

>> ahh!

[ clanking ] >> oh, so they kicked you off

For hitting jimbo?

>> xander: more for right after That -- uh, when I tried to take

Him apart.

Power on, robot.

Your earthman commands you.

[ sobbing ] Why won't you power On?

Yeah, at first I thought it was Hydraulic fluid.

[laughing] But, man, it sure Wasn't.

Ahh. [ clears throat ] Anyway, so then there was the

Cover-up.

>> oh, that's crap.

>> xander: and then I kind of Just came straight here.

>> that was like a year ago.

>> xander: nuh-unh!

Has it really been a year?

What's today?

>> it's thursday.

>> xander: oh, my god, it has Been a year.

Yeah, I just lost track of time, I guess.

>> why not just move in with Your girlfriend?

[ tchaikovsky's "Romeo & juliet" Plays ]

>> xander: 'cause if I want to Be smothered to death, I'll go

Back to the excalibur and fess Up.

If I ever go back to the Excalibur and fess up, I'll be

Smothered to death.

That's in our charter.

>> so, you ended up homeless.

>> xander: no, not homeless.

Not homeless.

Because home is where the heart Is.

>> in these refrigerator boxes?

>> xander: well, you see Refrigerator boxes.

I see an outreach center that's Changing lives every day, and

What the [bleep] Are you doing, Simone?

>> you're weird.

>> xander: well, did you see the Flare?

No! So, obviously, the needles Aren't ready.

I'm doing an interview.

>> you don't need your goddamn Stick.

>> xander: get out of here.

>> okay, honky.

>> xander: you know, it's -- >> taking a dump in your box.

>> don't you [bleep] Crap there, Simone!

Oh, that is it!

>> yow!

>> xander: how's that for snack Time?

That was simone.

She's actually our secretary Here at the outreach center.

And I thought it was her day Off, so that's why I was

Surprised that she was even Here.

[ sniffs ] So, uh, what's this little movie

Deal about killface?

>> actually, he's running for President.

>> xander: he's what?! How?!

>> 'cause when he turned on the Annihilatrix, he cured global

Warming.

>> xander: wait, no, I turned it On!

>> well, he says he did.

>> xander: son of a bitch!

>> yeah.

So, do cabs ever come by here?

>> xander: if he's running for President, then so am I.

>> well, it takes like tons and Tons of money to run for

President.

>> xander: well, is that enough?

Ka-kow!

>> when did you find the check?

>> xander: oh, just right after That whole incident with it

Blowing away.

Yeah, have fun getting the [bleep] Stomped out of you by

The xtacles when I go to my House and get my awesome "X"

Gear from that hooker who was Living there the last time I...

Checked.

Yeah, apparently I've had it the Whole time.

Suckers!