Original subtitles

[siren]

Man: Ow!

[groaning]

I can't believe that Bitch shot me!

You gotta take Me to the hospital.

You know I can't do that, Jimmy.

I'm dying, bra!

You ain't gonna die.

Say it.

I'm all shot up, man.

You ain't gonna die.

Say the freaking words.

I ain't gonna die.

I ain't gonna die.

I ain't gonna die.

[cheering]

Folks, put it Altogether for taqu'il!

He's a skeet, and his new film Is "Some like it crook."

He's a rapper!

And was that a new scion tc?

Yeah, man.

Scion's full on behind the Movie, cross-promotions,

Tie-ins, doing big-ass Direct mailings.

Yeah!

Bringing us to our Item of the day.

[cheering]

Did you get one of These in the mail?

Yeah!

And phase one begins, stan.

Is your ass ready to be rocked?

Why is-- I ask you.

Why is he on our network?

Because it's too complicated For me to explain.

What-- I know.

That's how great it is.

Killface: Great?

My god, it's fantastic.

Son, look, look, look.

Papa's postcard is on telly.

Don't.

I won't let you spoil this mood.

You hear this?

You hear me smiling?

Sam?

Yes, sire?

Simon's had another spill.

If he always throws his food On the floor, how is he so fat?

[crying]

Killface: No, son...

Now look what you've done!

Sire, I'm sorry.

Apologize to his self-esteem!

We've talked about The chubby cycle.

One snoggy comment like that, He's right back in the cupboard.

And he was doing so well.

Yes, sire.

3 pounds this week.

Shut up.

Just shut up and Eat that cereal.

It's got glass in it.

[sighs]

Mitzi: Oh, my god, I know!

Oh, did you see this?

Skid row's half out Of a mind this thing!

This guy, this--what is it?

Killface.

Yes!

And I mean he's terrifying.

Yes, he's evil personified!

Yeah, but cameraman, Can you push in on this?

It says, "Welcome to You-apostrophe-re doom."

And he's got "Doom" in quotes!

Yeah man.

Which is shouldn't be!

Oh, I just hate it when People do that.

I just want to throw Acid in their face.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes!

Nice use.

Send a postcard To strung and white.

Oh, I'm gonna throw it out, Right?

But then rose is like, "Boo, There's a coupon on there."

3-piece 6.99.

See, it's so funny With the coupons.

Well, it was good for a laugh.

Ok, the movie is "Some like it crook."

Taqu'il: It opens friday.

Check it out.

Folks, taqu'il!

Mitzi: Yeah!

Put it altogether.

Valerie!

Why does it say, "Welcome to you are doom?"

What does that even mean, And why,

For god sakes, Is "Doom" in quotes?

I don't know.

Is this some sort Of ironic doom?

Is the wink implied?

You know, I don't know.

No, it isn't.

So please tell me how and why I'm suddenly a laughing stock.

Valerie: Uh, 'cause you signed Off on the proofs.

Then we pump those profits Back into the profit cycle

To generate even more profits.

And I know what You're gonna say.

Profits?

Yes, stan, You're soaking in them.

Thoughts?

Harrumph.

Xander: Dude, are you even listening?

Sorry, I was jonesing For a chick parm.

Harrumph.

Nope. Go get your own.

And then find me that apprentice So I can cut his arms off.

But you signed off on--

Mention those proofs again And just see what happens, Valerie!

Look, bad grammar aside,

40 million people Just saw your postcard.

Bugga me.

They poll those numbers?

It's the highest-rated Daytime show ever.

Oh, I hate america.

And their booker Owes me a favor.

No, she doesn't!

Valerie, if you could get me on "Live with mitzi and verle,"

I don't... Oh!

Now, I'd want 2 segments,

And not the one right after Verle's monologue.

That's--that's garbage time.

But the next 2 after the break.

Valerie, you get me on there, And you just name your reward.

I'd like for you to let me go.

Well, you know, except for that.

[cheering]

We are back! And can you believe those girls?

Yeah!

That was the lenox avenue Ladybugs,

Double-dutch city champs Of new york.

You know, I used to be pretty Good at the old jump rope, Verle.

Oh, you want to get The girls back out here

And see what mitzi Can do?

[cheering]

Who wants to see me get My double-dutch on?

Ok, let's bring 'em out, And--what?

What?

Oh, newman says we Don't have time.

Oh, isn't he a poop?

And we don't have time Because our next guest--

You can do this.

Hello, verle.

And you must be mitzi.

Oh, the crowd loves me.

Holy baloney!

This guy!

We talked about him last week.

Remember when taqu'il was on?

Oh!

Is taqu'il not the bomb?

Am I right, girls?

I mean I'm married, But I ain't that married.

Ho!

I hope lloyd's not watching.

Lloyd knows I don't like Black guys anymore.

And he better be at work.

The bling bling ain't free, Verle.

Holy smokes!

Would you look at The size of that thing.

Dude, that's gotta Be 6 carats.

Mmm.

They are so in love!

Yeah!

And I'm in love with Our next guest.

He's--no.

Oh, we gotta take a break.

We'll be right back, folks.

What?

They just wasted my entire first Segment just gibbering!

No, that's the kind of snappy Repartee we love over at scion, Man.

Hi, charles chomers, Scion marketing.

You can call me chuck.

Yeah, how's the health plan Over at scion?

Chuck: It's great!

Ppo, man.

Oh!

My skin!

We are back with our next guest.

He calls himself The scourge of god

But says he's gonna push the Planet into the sun.

Bing bong bing.

Make some noise for killface!

Um.

Thank you.

What, is the applause Sign broken?

[small applause]

Thanks.

Verle: Don't listen to them.

Terrible crowd.

Yeah!

Maybe they had some of the Green room snacks.

Hmm.

So, big guy.

You're gonna destroy the world?

Uh, yes.

That's my ultimate goal.

Mitzi: Big guy is right.

Oh, look at those pecs.

[cheering] Right?

I would kill for a Chest like that.

[laughing]

I wish I had someone Like her growing up.

Dude, save it for group.

Tell me you work out.

Not as often as I should, I'm afraid.

Somebody's fishing For a compliment.

No, no. Honestly.

He should come on For fitness friday!

Absolutely, Definitely he should!

Am I right? Fitness fridays.

Big guy, how much you bench?

Oh, you know, I don't know really.

I'll bet you do 240.

Actually it's closer to 900.

900 pounds, this guy!

Oh, no, sorry.

That's kilos.

900 kilograms?

Well, he's foreign, verle.

That's like a scion!

What?

Think you could? Think you could?

Think you could bench a scion?

I don't know--

He should bench a scion.

Fitness friday. You come back.

We'll get with The good folks at scion,

And you'll bench A new scion tc.

All right? Please stop talking.

Oh, boy.

Randy, tell him about The new scion tc.

Randy: Introducing the scion tc.

The bold, sleek styling is all Like ka-kow, but the 2.4

Liter dual overhead cam engine

With 160 horsepower Is all like ka-kow!

The scion tc, verle.

It's what moves you.

[cheering]

Verle: What moves you indeed, randy.

I'd like to take That to the beach.

Yeah. You at the beach. Shotgun!

With your skin?

Love the scion tc.

Love, love, love the scion tc.

Rose is in my ear 24/7. Knowing rose, it's 25/8.

I want you to stop talking.

Verle, what about The new scion tc?

Verle, let's get a new scion tc.

Verle, with a new panoramic Power glide moon roof

And a 2-in-one carpet with cargo Match, you can't go wrong.

Verle, verle, verle!

With our new scion tc--

Oh, my god, I need that.

You have to get her one. I know. It's a great car.

The amber instrument panel Illumination is standard, verle.

Standard!

[chanting] Scion tc!

Scio-wrong tc!

Should I get rose A new scion tc?

It's got an mp3 player jack

For ripping and Burning or whatever!

What do you think, big guy?

I don't know.

What's not to know?

It's a great car.

Verle, you should get Everybody a scion tc.

Chuck: No, ronny.

They're going nuts for it.

Listen.

Also, can you transfer Me to hr?

They're eager for a new Scion, verle.

Ok, ok!

Everybody, Look under your seats!

Stop it!

First of all, oprah already gave Her audience cars.

Not the new scion tc She didn't.

Then you waste one segment

Clucking like a goose About that damn ring.

And I hope you know A good appraiser,

Because if that's not Paste, I'll eat my hat.

Now, my last remaining segment

Has fallen victim To scion fever.

'cause we love The new scion tc!

Shut up!

There's a clear line between Entertainment and advertising,

And you've bloody Well crossed it.

Those 18 to 24s you're so keen On detest being pitched to.

And when I destroy the world,

They won't have much use for 17-inch alloy wheels, so--

What?

No, no, no. Turn that off there.

Stop it.

I won't be your pitch man.

You hear me?

[sighs]

You're all doomed.

Doomed to enjoy The new scion tc.

Yeah! 'cause we'll be right back

With new scion tcs For everybody.

Yeah!

Stan: That was your big plan?

What did that even accomplish?

It set the stage for phase 2, Stan.

What the hell is phase 2?

I'm thinking las vegas.

I like to call it lost wages.

Nice.

What a colossal waste of time,

And I defy this day To get any worse.

Man: Hey, there goes The new scion tc.

Damn, that is tight!

I hate this country.

Xtacles: Scion tc!

Son of a whore!

Yes, have fun driving your new Scion tc around on the sun!

Perfectly happy With my gift bag.

What?

The lenox avenue ladybugs Got fleeces!