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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:16,468 In the time when fire rained down from heaven 2 00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:19,188 and dust storms swept in from the east, 3 00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:21,939 a hero arose with a dope-ass name: 4 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,111 Wesley Fists. 5 00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:30,113 Born in the hamlet of Compton, Wesley's father was a dentist. 6 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,776 His mother played Scratchers and smoked Newports. 7 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,616 From the time he could throw a punch, 8 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,701 Fists trained in the dojo of kung fu cinema. 9 00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:41,037 His favorites were Shogun Assassin, 10 00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:42,294 The Five Deadly Venoms, 11 00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,205 and of course, Enter the Dragon. 12 00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:46,254 But after hearing Enter the Wu-Tang, 13 00:00:46,337 --> 00:00:49,167 young Fists imagined me narrating his life, 14 00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:52,890 The RZA, AKA The RZArector 15 00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:55,179 AKA RZA RZA Razor Sharp, 16 00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,723 AKA The Abbot with the Golden Tablet, 17 00:00:57,807 --> 00:01:00,187 AKA Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah, 18 00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:03,058 AKA The Divine Prince Master Rakeem, 19 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:06,478 AKA Bobby Digital, AKA Bobby Boulders, 20 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:09,864 AKA Bobby Steels, AKA Daddy Diggs, 21 00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:12,914 AKA The Fatal Flying Guillotine Karrier. 22 00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,695 He knew I understood what a warrior's soul was 23 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,495 and I could say shit like "saga" 24 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:21,958 and "bring the motherfucking ruckus" without sounding like a sucka. 25 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:27,878 At the age 15, Fists's parents took the arduous trek up the deadly 110 freeway 26 00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:29,962 to live in the village of Glendale. 27 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,178 Fists thrived in his new environment. 28 00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,428 A defensive back of the first string, 29 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:38,471 11 sacks, ten interceptions, five pick sixes. 30 00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:40,636 Shit, this kid was almost invincible. 31 00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:46,561 In the apocalypse, our hero has taken on a mantle of rōnin, 32 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:49,978 a wandering soul seeking redemption for a heinous crime. 33 00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:52,778 A haunting tragedy yet to be revealed. 34 00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:55,032 To wit, Wesley gained new compatriots 35 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,865 with less dope names like Josh and Angelica. 36 00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:00,291 Friends whom Wesley might call family, but... 37 00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,575 his heart belongs to another... 38 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:07,041 the villainous Turbo Bro Jock. 39 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:10,129 Which side is this warrior gonna choose? 40 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,131 DAYBREAK 41 00:02:16,427 --> 00:02:18,927 PART 1: HOMECOMING REDUX 42 00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:21,273 So which are you gonna choose? 43 00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,348 Choose? 44 00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:26,404 Songs! 45 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,229 For the homecoming dance playlist? 46 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,190 This is no mere playlist. 47 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:34,903 This is no mere homecoming dance do-over. 48 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:40,237 We rescued these kids from Baron Triumph. 49 00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,326 This is a Saturnalia to the wonder of life, 50 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,372 drinking from the water fountain of youth. 51 00:02:44,455 --> 00:02:47,125 Tonight, we stare the Grim Reaper in the face, and we say, 52 00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:49,378 "If you like it, then you should've put a ring on it." 53 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,800 This is the soundtrack of our lives! 54 00:02:56,426 --> 00:03:01,434 Uh... Is this you? Uh, KJ? 55 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:03,765 What does that stand for? 56 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,604 Keung Jung? 57 00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,345 Uh, Kim Jong? 58 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:10,110 Okay, look, we can't just let anyone in. 59 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,780 Someone's got to make sure you 'fugees are copacetic. 60 00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:14,484 You remember ICE? 61 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:18,358 Well, I'm the new ICE. 62 00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:21,490 Okay, I need you to sign this oath of allegiance. 63 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,576 Basically, you got to do what I say at all times. 64 00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:25,341 And you can't make fun of me behind my back 65 00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:27,791 like Dana Rappaport did when I sharted in the third grade. 66 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:30,344 Oh, and also, it automatically casts a vote for me 67 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,298 as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty. 68 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:38,722 This counts as a vote! 69 00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:44,965 Eyes on your own work! 70 00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:48,646 This isn't a test. 71 00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:49,848 It's art therapy. 72 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:54,440 My psychiatrist had me do this to examine subconscious emotions in my drawing. 73 00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:59,276 I painted an untamed unicorn baby gouging her mommy unicorn in the uterus. 74 00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:01,032 But it didn't mean anything. 75 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:02,779 Why are you using spiders? 76 00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:05,291 The black widow represents death, 77 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:06,960 and the brown widow represents death. 78 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:10,464 They duel because all of life is death. 79 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,751 And brown is the new black. 80 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,474 Turn it down! Turn the music down! 81 00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:26,144 Turn it down! The music, turn it down! 82 00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:31,559 The Ghoulie part of the Witch is super sensitive to loud noise. 83 00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:34,403 Shit! I was only playing this on chill. 84 00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:37,032 I barely got to thumping. What happens when I get to cranking? 85 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,150 If you pump up the volume tonight, 86 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:42,117 we'll be doing The Electric Slide with a horde of Ghoulies. 87 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,621 Hard to make the soundtrack of our lives with no soundtrack. 88 00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,164 Maybe this is a bad idea, 89 00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,709 recreating what we we'll never really have again. 90 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,169 You're missing Sam pretty hard. 91 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,378 We were gonna go to the dance together. 92 00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,471 She was gonna be Homecoming Queen. 93 00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:02,974 I know what you need. 94 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,137 Maybe you should try masturbating. 95 00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:08,728 Dude... 96 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,941 Also, you should try masturbating. 97 00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:20,566 A warrior will rub one out before heading into battle. 98 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:24,663 I thought samurai were like monks, you know, on a strict NoFap diet. 99 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,448 Samurai are the samurai of burping the worm. 100 00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:29,535 Why you think action figures got kung fu grip? 101 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,041 You seem more chill than usual. 102 00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:36,634 Did saving all these kids, you know, fulfill your quest for redemption? 103 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,670 Don't write off the dance, brother. Could be cathartic. 104 00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:44,508 Anyway, I'm heading out. Gotta feed Triumph and Turbo. 105 00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:46,474 - I'll go with you. - I got it. 106 00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:49,274 You use your survival skills to solve this noise issue. 107 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,137 Hey, hey, uh... 108 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:56,114 What about Mastermind by Deltron 3030 for the soundtrack? 109 00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,316 Right? Yeah? 110 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,374 There's only one reason a man would venture 111 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,949 into the dangerous wasteland all by his lonesome... 112 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,785 Because he is a traitorous whelp looking for a nooner. 113 00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:55,098 What about Josh? 114 00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:03,319 He's a friend. 115 00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,192 Don't get jealous. 116 00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:18,077 I'm not gonna let you do that. 117 00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:21,374 Why? 118 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:22,751 Because he beat you? 119 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,461 Because he left you here? 120 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,465 I came back. 121 00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:33,391 Let it go. 122 00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:41,354 Don't get jealous. 123 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,567 You want me to kill Josh? 124 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:51,864 You punishing me for having a friend? 125 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:13,471 Wesley Fists was familiar with the rock and the hard place. 126 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,893 He'd been there before, 127 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,465 forced into choosing a side on the battleground of life. 128 00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:21,515 - Homecoming, y'all! - Whoo! 129 00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,152 - Compton on notice! - Whoo! 130 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,109 - We goin' to state! - Whoo! 131 00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:26,399 - We dominate! - Whoo! 132 00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:27,942 - Goin' hard like... - Whoo! 133 00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:29,395 - Rollin' hard like... - Whoo! 134 00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:30,775 - Hornets be like... - Whoo! 135 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:32,321 - Turbo be like... - Whoo! 136 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,655 - Hornets be like... - Whoo! 137 00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,199 - Seize the crown like... - Whoo! 138 00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,793 Seize the crown! 139 00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,248 - We got your back! - Who got my back? 140 00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:47,771 - We got your back! - Who got my back? 141 00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:49,505 - We got your back! - Who got my back? 142 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,129 - We got your back! - Who got my back? 143 00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:53,876 We got your back! 144 00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:57,887 'Sup, Wes? 145 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,640 'Sup, Emmett? 146 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:05,522 Emmett was Wesley's third cousin on his mama's side and his best friend. 147 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,982 Gentlemen, welcome to Glendale High School, 148 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,527 but we have a strict no visitor policy. 149 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,532 Yeah? Why is that? 150 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,453 Your little posh crew gonna get all jumpy around us niggas? 151 00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:18,407 No. What? What? 152 00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:20,452 No. No, we're all woke here. 153 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,325 Uh, wide awoke. 154 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:25,083 No, it's an administrative measure for safety 155 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:28,666 and has nothing to do with any form of institutionalized racism. 156 00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:32,298 But I am gonna have to ask your coach to escort you off campus 157 00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:35,431 in a totally non-racist way. 158 00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:37,139 - Coach? - It's all good, all right? 159 00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:38,549 Our bus just got here early. 160 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,848 Stretching our legs, sussing out the competition. 161 00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:43,061 Blood's gonna flow like a chocolate fountain 162 00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,352 at a bar mitzvah, cousin. 163 00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:46,163 You don't get to call me cousin no more, traitor. 164 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,227 I transferred schools, Emmett. 165 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,404 - It's not on me my pops moved. - Yeah, it's on you. 166 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,127 Bowing down to these privileged white folks. 167 00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:54,451 - Why don't you step the fuck back. - Hey, chill. 168 00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:55,738 Chill, Turbo. Chill! 169 00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,111 Chill. It's all good. 170 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:58,638 He's just trying to get me riled up. 171 00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:01,831 But when you know your enemy better than you know yourself, 172 00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:06,076 - the outcome has already been decided. - You ain't no samurai, you dumb blerd. 173 00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:09,127 It was fun playing when we was kids, but that was a game. 174 00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:11,021 Why you trying to be something you ain't? 175 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,375 Man, you would've never said that shit to Wu-Tang. 176 00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:15,764 Or Kendrick when he's trying to be Kung Fu Kenny, 177 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,051 or Nicki Minaj when she's trying to play Chun-Li. 178 00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:19,552 Bitch, I'm on the tip! 179 00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:21,425 Yeah, like vanilla iced matcha latte. 180 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,140 You frontin' Asian? You frontin' white? 181 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,730 Bet you eat that nasty-ass qui-noa shit too, huh? 182 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,480 "Quinoa..." 183 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:35,817 is fucking delicious. 184 00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:37,413 Spoken like a true white boy. 185 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,680 There's only two things I really miss 186 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,350 about the way things were. 187 00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:04,849 Reading a Nicholas Sparks novel cover to cover the day it comes out 188 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,056 and live-tweeting The Bachelor. 189 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,635 You eat people's hearts. 190 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,058 Doesn't mean I don't have one. 191 00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,476 Why are you keeping me alive? 192 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,650 We're not killers. 193 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,565 I don't like being locked up, 194 00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:19,953 but watching you and Turbo has got me hooked. 195 00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:22,779 The romance, betrayal, secrets. 196 00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,197 What's gonna happen next? 197 00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:27,245 I don't think you and I engaging in discourse is advisable. 198 00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,159 Oh? 199 00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:31,247 Well, who encouraged you to take AP English 200 00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,793 so you could boost up your GPA? 201 00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:33,877 You did. 202 00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:37,551 Who gave you his FilmStruck password so you could watch those Kurosawa films? 203 00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:39,931 - You did. - And who comforted you 204 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,009 when Jessie Felk broke your heart? 205 00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:43,184 Omar from The Wire. 206 00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:45,312 Yeah, but who told you to watch The Wire? 207 00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,929 - You told me to watch season two. - Season two is amazing. 208 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,387 Only white dudes like season two! 209 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,147 You could surgically remove season two, and no one would miss it. 210 00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:53,479 Don't you miss this, Wesley? 211 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,976 Talking around the proverbial water cooler. 212 00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,820 You're eyeing me like a steak. 213 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,034 Nah, that's just sympathy. 214 00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:03,868 I know what you're going through. 215 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:07,199 You're being pulled between two friends, again. 216 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,787 I remember. 217 00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,791 I know what your cousin said to you at the pep rally. 218 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:15,504 "He said," Ease up, cuz. 219 00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:16,916 Take it easy on me out there. 220 00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:18,424 I need this win. You don't. 221 00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:19,876 "You can let me win." 222 00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:25,143 He even said... Please. 223 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:29,180 Selfish brat wanted you to throw the game so that he could win. 224 00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:30,806 You don't know shit about my cousin. 225 00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:36,817 I know about playing ninja at Rancho Cienega Rec. 226 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:38,981 I know he was just gutted 227 00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,398 when you left Compton. 228 00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:44,617 How do you know that? 229 00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:45,828 Because... 230 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:49,330 I ate Emmett, you blerd. 231 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,790 You deserve your cage. 232 00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:02,089 You're gonna hurt everyone you love. 233 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:06,602 And I'll be here... binging every episode. 234 00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:29,544 Looks like someone is spying on you. 235 00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:32,084 Dun, dun, dun! 236 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,379 PART 2: DUN, DUN, DUN 237 00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:51,103 You got to be kidding me. 238 00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:53,851 Whoa, that's my board. 239 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,067 Right, you don't speak any English. Okay. 240 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,447 No. 241 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:08,907 That... 242 00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:10,493 is mine. 243 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:18,212 Angelica. 244 00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:27,472 Thanks. 245 00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:28,551 Angelica? 246 00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:31,473 I know what you're doing, and you have to stop. 247 00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,265 I look so pretty in my dress! 248 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:34,933 Why is she yelling? 249 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,517 I put plugs in her ears. 250 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,266 I have plugs in my ears! 251 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,694 So she won't be bothered by the music at the dance. 252 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,733 No, I have plugs in my ears. 253 00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:45,026 I'm trying to fix the sound thing. 254 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:48,820 Yeah, by hanging blankets on the wall like this is a freshmen dorm! 255 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,776 You didn't even go to our school, Angelica. 256 00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:53,986 - Why do you care so much about this dance? - Everyone likes to dance! 257 00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:56,498 Music stimulates the orbital frontal cortex, 258 00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,250 and dance activates the cerebellum. 259 00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:01,209 Every culture, around the world, 260 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,173 throughout time, 261 00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:03,502 they all shake their booty. 262 00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,089 That includes me, the Witch, 263 00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:13,064 Wesley, KJ, you... Oh, no, no. KJ and I... 264 00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:14,764 never gonna happen. 265 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,847 But you guys have so much in common! 266 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,524 You both skate, and you... 267 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:22,902 skate. 268 00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:27,863 I know you miss Sam, but she's dead. 269 00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:31,365 Your little meet-cutes are meet-stupids. 270 00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:32,528 And they have to stop. 271 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,493 There are five stages of grief: 272 00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:39,253 denial, anger, depression, 273 00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:41,671 rebound sex, Korean spa. 274 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,969 The spider venom has mutated. 275 00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,338 It's super toxic. Death on contact. 276 00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,006 Ms. Crumble's crown is lethal. 277 00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:54,104 - Don't touch. - Yes, yes! 278 00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:56,349 - I do like horchata! - Oh, no! 279 00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,562 Yes, it's cinnamon-y goodness! 280 00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:00,732 - Ow! - Just stop. 281 00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:03,811 It says you do as I say, and it automatically casts a vote for me 282 00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:05,517 as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty. 283 00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:07,606 Just sign here, Other Gay Josh. 284 00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:10,318 Uh, Gay Josh is dead, 285 00:17:10,904 --> 00:17:13,374 so I think I should just be Gay Josh now. 286 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,949 You can't appropriate someone's identity! 287 00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:18,040 Show some damned respect! 288 00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:28,298 Now we can talk privately. 289 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:29,971 How much did you see? 290 00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:35,006 Enough to start a new streaming porn service. 291 00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:35,925 That was sick. 292 00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:38,723 Don't be one of those homophobic, small-minded, backsliding, 293 00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:41,887 pearl-clutching, rainbow hating, no-keg-selling Westboro book burners! 294 00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:44,647 I don't care if you dig bagpiping, 295 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,650 but you're bagpiping Turbo, bro! 296 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,782 But you knew that! 297 00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:50,689 You've been blackmailing me for weeks! 298 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,988 Here's the trill, I lied! 299 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,782 Okay, it's one of my moves. 300 00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:58,405 I narrow my eyes all seriously and say, "I know your secret, Fists." 301 00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,094 You're the dump truck who took the bait! 302 00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,162 Pretty sneaky, sis. 303 00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,666 My IQ level is Gucci. 304 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:05,750 Now, turn off that music 305 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:07,993 before your milkshake brings all the ghouls to the yard. 306 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,104 Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey! 307 00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:22,269 Yo... Hey! 308 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,268 Hey! 309 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,560 You're a pacifist! 310 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,186 You're not gonna let me die out here! 311 00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:28,872 You can't blackmail me if you're brunch! 312 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,781 I'm not letting youcontrol my destiny. 313 00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,239 I'm telling Josh everything. 314 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,702 What do you think Josh is gonna say 315 00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,830 when he finds out his best friend is a full-on Benedict Cumberbatch? 316 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,538 You mean Benedict Arnold? 317 00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:43,209 I mean I'm gonna be eggs benedict lobster hollandaise 318 00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:44,557 if you don't open this fucking door! 319 00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:47,221 You had your reach-around with the devil. Now you got to kill Josh. 320 00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,341 I can't! 321 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,459 If you don't kill Josh, you're gonna kill the rest of us! 322 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,587 A wise man once said, 323 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:56,434 "The needs of many outweigh the needs of one dead Canadian." 324 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:57,970 You're quoting Star Trek. 325 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,471 Spock is a space samurai! 326 00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,558 Hey, hey! Wes! 327 00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:03,641 Where are you going? 328 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:06,811 Wes! 329 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:25,409 Just as these monsters tore apart this sweet ass ghetto blaster, 330 00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,917 so too was Wesley's soul torn asunder, 331 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,917 in the present, and in the past. 332 00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:33,876 Hadouken! 333 00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:39,758 You win! 334 00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:42,558 You never lose as Ryu. 335 00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:44,676 Compton must have you rattled. 336 00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,846 The buttons are sticking is all, okay? 337 00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,645 This game gets us into state. 338 00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:50,694 College scouts are coming. 339 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,147 Also, you know Coach is dying? 340 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:56,254 - I thought Coach was retiring. - He's retiring because he's dying. 341 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,028 This is on your shoulders, QB. 342 00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,203 But you could be on the QT. 343 00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:04,913 Round Two, fight! 344 00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,212 Hey, what's Guile's secret move? 345 00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,290 Front, back, kick, kick, kick. 346 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,625 What's your secret move? 347 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:14,377 You are. 348 00:20:16,089 --> 00:20:17,419 I'm just a defensive back. 349 00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:20,135 Ten interceptions, three pick sixes. 350 00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:23,177 - You know my line? - I know all your lines. 351 00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,479 I don't have your knowledge of kung fu movies, 352 00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:27,848 but I know Karate Kid. 353 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,101 Tonight, you have to sweep the leg. 354 00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,728 You take out their top receiver, we win. 355 00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:35,175 You know Daniel still beats Johnny 356 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,003 and gets the All Valley Karate Championship trophy. 357 00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:38,947 Johnny didn't have the bro globes to finish him. 358 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:40,989 Daniel sent a crane kick. 359 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,623 "If do right, no can defense." 360 00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:45,699 Yes, can defense. Easy can defense. You just take a step back. 361 00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,826 He did kind of walk right into it. 362 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:53,125 Yeah. Johnny just felt all sorry for all the shit he did to Daniel. 363 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,340 Daniel didn't win. Johnny had a limp dick. 364 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,720 - Yeah! - See, that's what I'm talking about! 365 00:21:06,306 --> 00:21:07,426 Emmett is my family. 366 00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:09,886 Your family calls you a bitch in front of the whole school. 367 00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:13,397 Maybe he's right! Maybe I am fronting so I can fit in around here. 368 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,520 Acting all ninja so y'all would dig me or some shit. 369 00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:18,607 You are something too cool for him to even fathom. 370 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:21,986 Don't play me. 371 00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:25,698 I like you. 372 00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,583 I play a lot of games. 373 00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:33,078 But want to know how I know you're for real? 374 00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,148 The hell is going on with you? 375 00:21:53,478 --> 00:21:55,768 Stepping out? Leaving the school all by yourself? 376 00:21:56,690 --> 00:21:58,030 You're being sloppy. 377 00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:00,397 People are gonna ask questions. 378 00:22:02,529 --> 00:22:03,609 Hey! 379 00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:09,183 You chose me to be your right hand 'cause I'm not weak sauce. 380 00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:10,698 And I'm no idiot. 381 00:22:10,787 --> 00:22:13,497 I know where you've been, and I know who you've been with. 382 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:15,833 You're hooking up with Wesley. 383 00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:18,959 He invited us to come to a dance. 384 00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:32,808 I get it. 385 00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:34,685 You fucking love the guy, 386 00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:36,687 and he fucking loves you. 387 00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:40,029 And you're both so fucking lucky. 388 00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:44,494 Shit, I'd kill for someone to look at me the way Wesley looks at you. 389 00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:46,906 It's... 390 00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:48,946 It's really beautiful. 391 00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:58,335 But there's no time for love. 392 00:22:58,710 --> 00:22:59,880 You go to that mall, 393 00:22:59,961 --> 00:23:01,341 do the Cabbage Patch with Wesley, 394 00:23:01,421 --> 00:23:03,301 and make peace with those mall rats? 395 00:23:03,673 --> 00:23:06,343 It'll show everyone you've gone soft, 396 00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:08,216 ripe for a Groupon-d'état. 397 00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:12,558 Everyone will try to overthrow your ass at once. 398 00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:14,767 Or... 399 00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:17,477 we can have our own homecoming dance. 400 00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:20,192 Show them all how it gets done. 401 00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:25,609 What? Everyone likes to dance. 402 00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:54,032 You can't kill Josh. It has to be me. 403 00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:56,367 - That's how Turbo wants it. - How do you know that? 404 00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:08,876 So what are we gonna do? 405 00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,260 I got to put my thinking cap on. 406 00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:18,138 I used to be a king, 407 00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:21,226 a fair, noble ruler. 408 00:25:22,562 --> 00:25:23,772 Just me and Mavis. 409 00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:27,029 Our threads were dope, and I got to sink the pink 410 00:25:27,108 --> 00:25:28,438 three times a day. 411 00:25:29,110 --> 00:25:30,280 That's true love. 412 00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:33,160 And then Josh happened. 413 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,780 He busts in my mall, he camps in my mall, 414 00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:37,407 brought all these kids into my mall. 415 00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:41,624 And now they're gonna vote for Josh as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty? 416 00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:44,882 Face it. I mean, dude deserves to die. 417 00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:48,209 I don't want to kill Josh, but... 418 00:25:55,095 --> 00:25:56,095 if I did, 419 00:25:57,430 --> 00:26:01,350 it'd have to be quick, and painless, and untraceable. 420 00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:04,305 A perfect murder. 421 00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:05,396 Mm... 422 00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:07,606 We get a mutant pug. 423 00:26:08,024 --> 00:26:09,324 A falling air conditioner. 424 00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:10,401 We get a hippo. 425 00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:12,324 A hive of angry bees. 426 00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:13,914 We get a shark. 427 00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:15,199 Ricin cigarette. 428 00:26:15,282 --> 00:26:16,452 Banana peel. 429 00:26:16,533 --> 00:26:17,623 Parking meter? 430 00:26:17,701 --> 00:26:19,371 An angry Roomba. 431 00:26:19,452 --> 00:26:20,952 Reprogram the escalator. 432 00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:23,578 Truck with lots of rebar in it. 433 00:26:23,665 --> 00:26:24,915 A whole bunch of marbles. 434 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,840 Oh, an exploding xylophone. 435 00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:28,038 Texting while driving. 436 00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:29,248 Ricin cigarette. 437 00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:30,838 I said that. 438 00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:32,381 Oh. 439 00:26:33,091 --> 00:26:35,261 Um, extra-long bungee cord. 440 00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:38,432 Hot dog eating contest. 441 00:26:38,513 --> 00:26:40,353 Oh, a parkour contest. 442 00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:41,812 Freddy Krueger cosplay. 443 00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:43,271 - Pray to Thor. - Kale. 444 00:26:43,351 --> 00:26:45,811 Waterboarding by Ghoulie jizz. 445 00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:47,980 The fuck? 446 00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:56,485 Shit, I don't want to do this. 447 00:26:57,657 --> 00:26:58,657 But damn... 448 00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:02,411 I know what I have to do. 449 00:27:17,677 --> 00:27:18,887 Um... 450 00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:33,109 Um... Uh... 451 00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:34,652 I... 452 00:27:35,862 --> 00:27:37,452 I just want to ask you something. 453 00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:39,907 Yes! 454 00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:44,004 PART 3: THE POISON CROWN 455 00:27:44,079 --> 00:27:46,329 While everyone in the mall got ready for the dance, 456 00:27:46,414 --> 00:27:49,464 Wesley Fists got ready to assassinate Josh Wheeler. 457 00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:54,255 Wesley's favorite kung-fu movie was a classic piece of cinema: 458 00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:56,219 The Man with the Poison Crown. 459 00:27:56,966 --> 00:28:00,296 In the film, a dethroned prince enters a tournament of death 460 00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:02,887 to regain his empire with his favorite weapon, 461 00:28:02,972 --> 00:28:05,732 the aforementioned toxic tiara. 462 00:28:09,020 --> 00:28:11,020 Fists's plan was bold and decisive. 463 00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,113 After saving the kids from Baron Triumph, 464 00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:17,152 Josh was certain to win the gender-neutral homecoming title. 465 00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:21,699 Mutant spider venom kills on contact. 466 00:28:22,325 --> 00:28:23,985 When Josh puts the crown on... 467 00:28:24,911 --> 00:28:27,251 instant death, a tragic accident. 468 00:28:27,664 --> 00:28:30,004 The weapon is set, the deed is done. 469 00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:32,923 No regrets, no turning back. 470 00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:52,790 Oh, no! 471 00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:55,340 You wanted me to come to the dance. 472 00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,128 With a human! 473 00:29:57,212 --> 00:30:00,172 Not a pile of dirty string that smells like ammonia. 474 00:30:02,842 --> 00:30:04,392 But I saw you talking to KJ. 475 00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:06,589 Yeah, she helped me set up these Bluetooth headphones. 476 00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:09,218 I knew how important this dance was to everyone, and you, 477 00:30:09,307 --> 00:30:11,887 so I just wanted to make sure it really happened. 478 00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:13,596 So you could dance with Mop Sam? 479 00:30:13,686 --> 00:30:17,396 Look, in junior high, we had to go to the school dances for gym credit. 480 00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:19,532 So if you weren't busting a move with a girl, 481 00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:22,605 Mr. Ziphlo made you dance with a mop. 482 00:30:22,695 --> 00:30:26,025 This is the saddest thing I've heard in my entire life. 483 00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:29,200 And I survived a nuclear holocaust. 484 00:30:29,285 --> 00:30:33,245 I was one of the guys who never had the courage to ask a girl out. 485 00:30:34,332 --> 00:30:36,712 But then I asked Sam to the homecoming dance, and... 486 00:30:37,585 --> 00:30:38,795 she said yes. 487 00:30:39,587 --> 00:30:40,667 I miss Sam. 488 00:30:41,965 --> 00:30:43,255 Ooh, slow jam! 489 00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:18,329 You got this, 54. 490 00:31:20,378 --> 00:31:22,548 Hey, Mona, you want to dance? 491 00:31:23,298 --> 00:31:25,008 Do I look like I eat white meat? 492 00:31:27,635 --> 00:31:28,845 This dance sucks! 493 00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:32,097 We had another balloon, but Barry went and popped it. 494 00:31:32,181 --> 00:31:33,641 In solidarity with Terry. 495 00:31:33,725 --> 00:31:36,935 RIP Terry, RIP Jerry, RIP Larry. 496 00:31:37,645 --> 00:31:39,645 These mopes just need some encouragement. 497 00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:41,231 Quit sulking and dance. 498 00:31:42,358 --> 00:31:43,358 Now! 499 00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:55,542 We're not much of a team, Barry. 500 00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:57,082 Oh, don't get glum, Gary. 501 00:31:57,165 --> 00:31:59,165 There's plenty of two-person teams. 502 00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:01,209 Beach volleyball, 503 00:32:01,878 --> 00:32:02,958 doubles tennis, 504 00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:04,630 jai alai, 505 00:32:05,715 --> 00:32:06,545 bobsledding... 506 00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:07,973 Bobsledding doesn't have a ball. 507 00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:10,929 Well maybe we recruit some new members. 508 00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,352 No one's enlisting. We got a target on our back. 509 00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:15,731 Nah, it's on our fucking face. 510 00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:18,716 They're taking odds on which one of us is gonna die next. 511 00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:21,520 Okay, look. These jocks are swole on steroids. 512 00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:23,516 Golf is a thinking bro's game. 513 00:32:24,025 --> 00:32:25,025 We don't act rash, 514 00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:27,238 but we methodically plot our path to the hole. 515 00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:29,822 They don't call us masters for nothing. 516 00:32:29,906 --> 00:32:32,116 Yeah. Green is my favorite color. 517 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,120 We only need two members to be a team. 518 00:32:34,202 --> 00:32:35,952 I got your back, you got mine. 519 00:32:36,037 --> 00:32:37,707 I got your back, you got mine. 520 00:33:05,441 --> 00:33:07,321 Voting is closed, friends. 521 00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:11,912 Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty will be officially announced in five minutes. 522 00:33:16,703 --> 00:33:18,963 If you think this tale has a happy end, 523 00:33:19,038 --> 00:33:22,458 if you hope the rōnin will see the error of his ways and save the day... 524 00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:25,587 well, then you haven't been paying attention at all. 525 00:33:26,212 --> 00:33:30,132 PART 4: THE BIG GAME 526 00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:38,429 You look like a homecoming queen! 527 00:33:39,434 --> 00:33:40,984 You and Turbo make a cute couple. 528 00:33:41,477 --> 00:33:43,807 Uh, you and Turbo make a cute couple. 529 00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:47,107 How did you know? 530 00:33:48,568 --> 00:33:49,688 I see how you look at him. 531 00:33:49,777 --> 00:33:50,817 He's DTF. 532 00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:53,990 But IDK. It's TBD. 533 00:33:56,701 --> 00:33:57,951 You should be Homecoming King. 534 00:33:58,286 --> 00:34:00,116 I'm more the guy behind the guy. 535 00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:02,923 Not a gay thing. 536 00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:04,708 Just... 537 00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:06,543 truth. 538 00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:10,046 Well, I voted for you. 539 00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:13,384 Everybody voted for Turbo. 540 00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:16,181 You're a football player, 541 00:34:16,262 --> 00:34:19,352 a film geek, the only gay samurai to pull off tie dye pants, 542 00:34:19,432 --> 00:34:21,182 and you always have the sickest weed. 543 00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:23,734 Sense and Sensimilla is good. 544 00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:26,428 I personally like Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Pipe. 545 00:34:26,481 --> 00:34:28,821 When I grow up, I want to make my own strain. 546 00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:30,609 420 Rōnin. 547 00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:38,623 We're supposed to be spending this time finding out who we really are. 548 00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:42,750 And you, my friend, are the only one who's brave enough to try. 549 00:34:43,498 --> 00:34:44,748 That is why you're royalty. 550 00:34:44,832 --> 00:34:46,042 I'm just trying to survive. 551 00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,125 I got friends, 552 00:34:48,711 --> 00:34:50,671 my team, Turbo, 553 00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:53,418 family, Emmett. 554 00:34:55,259 --> 00:34:56,299 And still... 555 00:34:58,137 --> 00:35:00,007 I feel so alone. 556 00:35:04,936 --> 00:35:06,346 I have over... 557 00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:10,151 a million followers since Josh posted that video. 558 00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:12,743 But finding that one person who really gets... 559 00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:21,582 There are so many conditions on unconditional love. 560 00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:22,871 I have to choose... 561 00:35:23,621 --> 00:35:24,621 between Emmett... 562 00:35:25,456 --> 00:35:26,456 and Turbo. 563 00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:31,169 Whoever I choose... I lose the other. 564 00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:34,548 Probably forever. 565 00:35:34,924 --> 00:35:36,344 You're a regular Yojimbo. 566 00:35:37,885 --> 00:35:39,215 You should do what I did. 567 00:35:41,430 --> 00:35:42,770 Choose Wesley. 568 00:35:52,108 --> 00:35:53,648 Set, hike! 569 00:36:01,492 --> 00:36:03,952 Fourth quarter, two minutes on the clock. 570 00:36:04,036 --> 00:36:07,826 Glendale's up by five, Compton has the ball on their 20. 571 00:36:07,915 --> 00:36:09,285 If Compton makes this drive, 572 00:36:09,375 --> 00:36:11,415 they could win the whole bangalanga. 573 00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:14,632 Now Wesley's cousin wants him to cheat, so he can win the game. 574 00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:18,553 Wesley's boyfriend wants him to cheat, so he can win the game. 575 00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:22,965 How do you win a no-win situation? 576 00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:37,027 Instead of choosing Emmett or Turbo, 577 00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:39,735 Wesley followed Sam Dean's advice. 578 00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:41,699 He chose himself. 579 00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:44,740 He shoved one player into another. 580 00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:47,787 It only takes a minimal amount of friction to start a fire. 581 00:36:48,539 --> 00:36:50,749 That fire can light a fuse, 582 00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,383 and when it burns down... 583 00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:55,090 Boom! There goes the dynamite. 584 00:36:55,171 --> 00:36:57,671 Tempers flared so hot that chilly autumn eve 585 00:36:57,757 --> 00:37:00,717 that the ground temperature rose about 11 degrees, 586 00:37:00,801 --> 00:37:03,261 and Wesley Fists evaded the impossible choice 587 00:37:03,387 --> 00:37:06,217 by eliminating the unanswerable question. 588 00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:11,024 And by doing so, he truly became a samurai. 589 00:37:11,729 --> 00:37:14,229 Nah, that ain't what the fuck happened. 590 00:37:14,315 --> 00:37:16,565 That's just a lie that Wesley tells himself. 591 00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:18,821 - What actually happened is this. - Hike! 592 00:37:57,525 --> 00:37:58,935 What's the matter, Fists? 593 00:37:59,568 --> 00:38:01,238 You don't dig on hearing the truth? 594 00:38:14,041 --> 00:38:15,581 Yo, you can't run away from me. 595 00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:16,838 I'm in your head, kid. 596 00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:20,586 And I'm so sick of your slash fiction bullshit. 597 00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:22,173 You have to say what I think! 598 00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:23,837 You're my narrator! 599 00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:26,926 Son, I'm the sharpest motherfucker in the whole damn Clan. 600 00:38:27,013 --> 00:38:29,563 You know I speak the truth. You picked the RZA, right? 601 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:30,470 That's on you. 602 00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:32,558 Now, I'm gonna tell you how it is. 603 00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:35,975 Easy! I'm the one dealing with the end of the world up in here. 604 00:38:36,063 --> 00:38:39,443 You're so damned twisted, man, you don't even know what is true or false. 605 00:38:39,525 --> 00:38:42,855 There was never even a movie called The Man With the Poisoned Crown, yo! 606 00:38:42,945 --> 00:38:45,105 Yeah-huh! I saw it on Channel Five. 607 00:38:45,197 --> 00:38:48,867 You're mixing up Shogun Assassin with Master of the Flying Guillotine, 608 00:38:48,951 --> 00:38:50,121 which is offensive, right? 609 00:38:50,202 --> 00:38:52,752 Because kung fu and samurai are different cultures. 610 00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:53,830 Shit! 611 00:38:53,914 --> 00:38:55,174 Children make shit up, man, 612 00:38:55,249 --> 00:38:57,249 so they can be heroes of their story. 613 00:38:57,335 --> 00:38:58,625 Emmett was right! 614 00:38:59,378 --> 00:39:01,338 I am a fake! I'm no samurai! 615 00:39:01,922 --> 00:39:03,302 I'm camp as fuck! 616 00:39:03,382 --> 00:39:05,722 It's not your fault you want to be a samurai. 617 00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:09,181 See, that's the economical pressure being expressed as warrior code. 618 00:39:09,263 --> 00:39:12,103 It started when young black men couldn't afford to go to the movies 619 00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:13,773 so we watched kung fu reruns. 620 00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:16,518 We found beauty in things that had been neglected. 621 00:39:16,604 --> 00:39:19,024 We saw the lotus flower growing out of the mud. 622 00:39:19,106 --> 00:39:22,396 It spun out to everything, man, from Jim Kelly to The Last Dragon 623 00:39:22,485 --> 00:39:23,815 to Sho'nuff Shogun. 624 00:39:23,903 --> 00:39:25,203 This shit gonna be on the test? 625 00:39:25,654 --> 00:39:27,034 Are you gonna help me out here? 626 00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:29,740 Man, look at yourself. 627 00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:31,701 Look at yourself! 628 00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:42,714 You didn't choose you. 629 00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:44,762 You chose Turbo. 630 00:39:45,591 --> 00:39:47,181 And you can't even admit it. 631 00:39:47,259 --> 00:39:48,799 You can't help who you love. 632 00:39:49,345 --> 00:39:51,025 And you're never gonna find that redemption 633 00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:52,967 if you keep making the same damn mistake. 634 00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:13,660 I need to tell you... 635 00:40:14,537 --> 00:40:15,537 everything. 636 00:40:17,706 --> 00:40:21,746 After the bomb, Turbo was the only one who had a game plan to survive. 637 00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:24,956 I followed him because I loved him, and he loved me. 638 00:40:26,382 --> 00:40:27,382 Maybe too much. 639 00:40:42,731 --> 00:40:45,031 One day, I was talking to Curtis Bedford. 640 00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:48,819 The next day, Turbo impaled him on spikes. 641 00:40:48,904 --> 00:40:51,074 Turbo killed Tom Harthen on American Ninja Idol 642 00:40:51,157 --> 00:40:52,777 because he said he liked my shoes. 643 00:40:52,867 --> 00:40:57,327 And more: Barbra, Grisby, Medici, Gray, 644 00:40:57,413 --> 00:41:00,213 all those kids died because they were being nice to me. 645 00:41:00,624 --> 00:41:03,754 Why does Hollywood keep making movies from comic books? 646 00:41:23,314 --> 00:41:24,734 That's why I'm a rōnin. 647 00:41:24,815 --> 00:41:26,275 That's why I need redemption. 648 00:41:26,859 --> 00:41:27,739 You're going to die 649 00:41:27,818 --> 00:41:30,858 because my ex-boyfriend can't stand that you and I are friends. 650 00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:38,997 You put my song on the soundtrack of our lives. 651 00:41:40,164 --> 00:41:41,424 Deltron 3030? 652 00:41:42,124 --> 00:41:43,714 Thanks for making me feel so cool, man. 653 00:41:43,792 --> 00:41:45,002 Did you hear what I said? 654 00:41:45,878 --> 00:41:47,418 I thought you were just singing along. 655 00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:53,795 It's now time to announce our Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty! 656 00:41:58,641 --> 00:42:01,564 Mop Sam Dean... I love you, Mop Sam! 657 00:42:02,269 --> 00:42:03,769 And Wesley Fists! 658 00:42:05,689 --> 00:42:07,689 Samurai for the win! Yeah! 659 00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,780 Well, I voted for you. 660 00:42:10,861 --> 00:42:12,821 I mean, you saved them. 661 00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,639 I made sure everyone knows that you're the hero that we need. 662 00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:30,048 Irony is a bitch goddess. 663 00:42:30,130 --> 00:42:33,300 She puts that leather jacket on sale the day after you buy it. 664 00:42:33,384 --> 00:42:37,184 She will make you gain five pounds after you was on a two-week juice cleanse. 665 00:42:39,431 --> 00:42:41,431 And if you're plotting an assassination, 666 00:42:42,142 --> 00:42:45,312 you can be sure she will put a plot twist in that motherfucker. 667 00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:54,070 Staring at the Grim Reaper, Wesley didn't say, 668 00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:56,124 "If you like it, you should've put a ring on it." 669 00:42:56,198 --> 00:42:58,408 He thought, "Maybe I deserve this." 670 00:43:00,869 --> 00:43:05,369 After Emmett, and Curtis, and Medici, and Barbra, and Grisby, and Gray, 671 00:43:05,457 --> 00:43:07,537 after betraying and lying to Josh, 672 00:43:07,626 --> 00:43:10,086 Wesley realized he's not the warrior. 673 00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:12,550 He's the bully. He's the bad guy. 674 00:43:12,631 --> 00:43:14,931 He's just like Johnny in The Karate Kid. 675 00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,679 And like Johnny, he has to sacrifice himself 676 00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:19,681 so that the outcast can be the hero. 677 00:43:20,931 --> 00:43:22,561 Maybe if Wesley was dead, 678 00:43:22,641 --> 00:43:25,481 Turbo would be struck with grief, and he'd call off his attack. 679 00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:27,101 Maybe this is the only way out. 680 00:43:29,148 --> 00:43:30,438 Stop! 681 00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:32,444 No one touch that crown! 682 00:43:44,747 --> 00:43:49,337 PART 5: THE IGNOBLE AMBUSH OF TURBO BRO JOCK 683 00:44:24,870 --> 00:44:26,370 Wesley lied again. 684 00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:28,827 He learned this trick from Kurosawa. 685 00:44:28,916 --> 00:44:30,536 It's all about perspective, 686 00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:31,876 pulling a Rashomon. 687 00:44:32,461 --> 00:44:34,001 This is what he didn't show you. 688 00:44:34,421 --> 00:44:35,711 Stop! 689 00:44:35,798 --> 00:44:37,718 No one touch that crown. 690 00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:41,973 Turbo told me that he's gonna come and kill you all. 691 00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:44,891 But I have a plan. 692 00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:47,059 I know how we can fight back. 693 00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:51,272 You have to trust me. 694 00:44:59,530 --> 00:45:01,620 Wesley set up decoys. 695 00:45:02,491 --> 00:45:05,291 Everyone hid, and you know the rest. 696 00:45:23,095 --> 00:45:25,845 In the end, Wesley chose wisely. 697 00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:27,431 He chose friendship. 698 00:45:27,516 --> 00:45:28,886 He chose himself. 699 00:45:29,351 --> 00:45:31,601 Maybe one day, he will end this quest, 700 00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:33,477 one day, he will be a samurai. 701 00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:35,573 But not today. 702 00:45:36,984 --> 00:45:37,994 It's like I said, 703 00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:40,526 this story does not end well. 704 00:45:43,574 --> 00:45:46,624 But, uh, that's a story for another time. 53279

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