All language subtitles for Biswa.Kalyan.Rath.Sushi.2019.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-BiOMA_track4_[eng]

What all does it take to make this dish?

A little bit of Seaweed

Rice, nicely cooked.

2 hours of time.

And love

lots of love

Blood and sweat, 1 tablespoon each

Nostalgia, as per requirment

And a pinch of happyness

From heart

And

Audience

Magic

Trolling

Editing

Cutting

Pasting

Musical

Literature

Identity

Emotions

Irony

Soft-love

True-love

Tough-love

Appology

Thepla

Dhokla

coriander

Fenugreek

I don't need a credit-card, I have one

Client

Money

Success

Fans

Paparazzi

Salt-bae

Turmric-bae

Chilli-bae

Move Man!

All of this is needed to make one

Lol

Sushi

a carefully assorted platter
of raw but delicate jokes

skilfully assembled with
great care and precision from

thinly sliced observations
caught from the sea of

existence of humanity on
planet earth that leaves your

soul feeling cheerful, happy, content and light.

Ladies and gentleman please put your
hands together for Biswa Kalyan Rath

How are you?

How are you? How are you?

Good evening!

I accept.

I love living in India, it truly is fun

because in theory one can use
unlimited data here

but in practice,
there is no signal ever!

In other countries, people call each
other and say, "Hello! How are you?"

Not in India.

In India people call and say,
"Hello, can you hear me?"

Hello, hello, hello.

Then the change of hand maneuver,
"Hello!"

Can you hear me now?"

Then, they change their vocal tone,
"Hello, hello..."

Hello, hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

Do you think you are in network
but you are out of tune?

As if Vodafone has Anu Malik
and Jawed Akhtar seated in their office.

That's it!

We are unable to approve you vocal tone.

You say, hello.

He says, "Your tone doesn't have the right."

"Your signal can't go to Mumbai."

Practise and try again.

There is just no signal.

You say hello,
they say hello and the call disconnects.

Then what you do?

You call back,
they call back at the same time.

No body wants to wait

and then the line is
busy on both the ends

Amazing technology

if two people want to talk
to each other, they won't allow it.

Best case scenario is now
the worst case scenario

And then, both the callers wait for
10 minutes for the other to call

They'll call, they'll call.

Ten minutes later, again both of them
will call each other the same time

Now you've synced up

You say I'll not call again,
they say I'll not call again...

Half hour later, they call again
but you miss their call,

you call and they miss your call

This goes on for 15 days

On the 15th day you call and ask,
"Brother you'd called?"

"Yes brother, Happy Birthday"

The signal is so bad.

The signal is so bad,

that it takes the fun out of
scaring and threatening people.

Say you call,
"Bastard, I will rip your throat apart."

Hello

Hello

Bastard!, Hey bastard!

Hello, Hello

Hold a second

Hello

Hello, Hello.

Yes, listen.

Can you hear me?

Hold a second

Listen, I will rip your throat...hello!

Not road, throat!

Hold on.
Let me text you.

Now you're texting,
I-Will-Rip-Your-Throat-Apart.

The signal is so bad, dude.

if you call yourself

if you dial your own number

it shows you as busy.

Could you be more free?

Here, we find

unconventional solutions to everything.

I was on the expressway, on the highway,

there I saw a sign board

Accident prone area

It was written, 'Accident Prone Area'

I said, we didn't elect
the government for disclaimers

If you know this place is accident prone,

then do something!

Why this heart to heart?

I know this area is accident prone

a truck is on its back right there.

Surely, it's not waiting for
a belly rub, "Hey, please, please."

Accident prone area.

What should I do with this information?

Set up a tent and eat popcorn.

Bro, the accident is just
about to happen, look, look.

Here he comes, the truck driver.

Plain nonsense these signs.

I was on my way to the airport

At the terminal,
a guy was at the check-in counter

checking-in people

Behind him is a sign,
"Do not pay bribe."

Every other government tells
their employees,

"Don't ask for a bribe."

Our government is too smart

"Our employee is honest,
but these customers are unlawful"

They just won't stop bribing,
these people.

You know, how we people are.

We keep two thousand rupees handy
every time we step out of our homes.

And don't return till we have bribed it.

Our mothers won't serve us dinner!

Knock, Knock.

Who is there?

Passport office.

Please take bribe.

Oh, that we don't take.

Come on sir,

you can atleast accept 1900.

Nonsensical signboard.

I saw a sign board on the station, once.

The sign board said,

'Beware of pickpockets'

I was like, "How good is this pickpocket"

that department of police has given up.

Surely, these guys would've tried.

"Take your riffles,
today we catch the pickpocket."

"Sir, he robbed those too."

"What can we do?"

Right behind, the pickpocket has strapped
the seven rifles and is firing away.

Like Terminator.

Anyway, what a condescending
attitude is this?

Do not pay bribe.

Sorry.

Beware of pickpockets.

What do you think?
We are not aware of pickpockets?

Like what?

What is this accusation?

Are we roaming around with
our wallets on display?

Come and take it, take it

Anyone here!

The one who'll rob my heart?

If we chance upon a pickpocket, we
are not going to sing duets with them!

Who has stolen my bill?

It's me

Who has stolen my chain?

"Sir, that's another thief,
don't accuse me."

"Sorry."

I love it dude.

We..

we have innovative solutions
to every problem, here.

I saw an advertisement, it said,

'Think equity, think Motilal Oswal.'

Have you seen this?

It says, think equity,
think Motilal Oswal

and they've left it without
a conclusion to that statement.

So I have been thinking since.

I woke up early morning, 4 AM to piss,
I was still thinking.

What would be Motilal
doing at this hour?

Would he be taking a piss too?

Has his equity picked up or fallen?

What is this half advertisement?

This is like half magic trick.

If you're walking by and someone asks,
"Would you like to see some magic?"

You will say, "Sure."

They say, "Think of a number."

You thought of it.

"Think of another number."

You thought of it, too.

"Okay then, bye."

Do something about these numbers?

They are haunting my brain...

37 and 45?

"Son, what will you have for dinner?"

"37 and 45."

These magicians.

The ones who do number magic,
they piss me off.

They always come and tell you
to think of any number between 1 to 100.

And like an idiot,

we always think of integers.

They haven't specified integers.

You can think of whatever you want.

Whenever I am asked
to think of any number between 1 to 100

I say, "Pi by two."

If they ask for another number,
its "Epsilon by three."

"Now add the two numbers."

"Hand me a scientific calculator.

Don't look!

One second, I've made a mistake.

Yes, now tell me."

"Now, I'll guess the number."

"You will guess the number, Ok."

"Till how many decimal digits?"

"Is it not 64?"

"Ha...

No!"

In our country,
advertisements are stuffed randomly

when we are watching the world cup.

Just when the bowler is about to bowl...

I love this one

When the bowler is about to bowl

But these people are trying
to randomly stuff in an advertisement.

And the advertisement is cut in between

problem is, some advertisements
you cut them in middle

and the wrong message
reaches the audiences.

I was watching an advertisement,
in that,

"Friend, have you invested
in mutual funds?"

They have no pretext or anything

On the street...

"Friend, have you invested
in mutual fund?"

He says,
"No dude, what if I invest today

and the market falls tomorrow, then?"

There is risk involved in mutual fund...

Cut to Bumrah running

What did the countrymen learn?

That don't invest in mutual fund,
remove it, remove it...

Yes please remove all of my money,

the Indian government has declared
that mutual funds are risky...

Yes I have read the guidelines sir.

I realized after visiting a foreign
country that construction can end

You guys will totally freak out, guys.

The country is already made,

not under construction like this...

You know what people
do in the metro there?

They sit inside.

they aren't happy seeing the pillar...

It is being made.

No no, they sit inside and go. Oh!!

Yes some travellers

India is developing country,
always developing

Randomly someone on the street

will be making something using bricks,
stones and cement

We cannot fully develop.

As we develop on one side, on the other
hand under development is going on

If one road is made,
then what do we do sir?

Let's dig.

Please do the honours.

You will sleep in Koramangala
and wake up in Mohenjodaro

Amazingly dug up!
My heart goes, 'Harappa'.

This joke is worth INR 500.

People are revising their
history books... what was this joke?

After digging, after digging
when they make something...

they make it weird...

In India, footpaths are made considering
no one has friends in the world.

You cannot walk side
by side on Indian footpath.

If you comfortably walk like this,

your friend will have to walk like this.

His friend will be walking like this.

And everything else in the country.....

the divider is broader
than the footpath.

The divider is broader
than the footpath.

Cows, goats, all stand on the divider.

They say, "There's no
space to stand on the footpath.

Brother,
there you've to stand like this."

"We'll suffer slip disc.

We won't go there."

Ours.....We are developing
country so our manhole has a cover too

but which is kept aside.

Our government gives
us a chance to be Super Mario.

You....

You want to see the underground level,
you can have a look.

You move along..

Collecting gold coins underground.

Eating mushroom, kicking turtles...

The footpath will be 6 inches

with an 18-inch tree in between.

Is this the tree you must save?

All other trees around it were cut.

This tree has to be saved, brother.

Between the footpath right?

It's fun...

Why is this tree saved?
Says, "We'll get shade from it."

You won't get shade
if it's planted on the side.

When it rains, you hold
the umbrella on the side right?

You don't stick it right inside?

Brother, please give 'Bisibelle bhath'

In Bangalore, people don't have bathtub.

They have bisibelle bathtub.

Having a shower in the bath

I love it dude.

It's so good in India

Footpath....

Footpath in other countries

The definition of a footpath is...

A footpath, a footpath, a footpath goes
down, is narrow and bends like this.

India doesn't have anything like this

is a footpath, this is a footpath and
in the end we have no clue what it is

What is this?

Is it garbage?

A tea stall and then footpath

Even if you escape all this
and are walking on a footpath

The tea stall owners want a clean India

but not by sweeping...

Just a second before you leave,

they will throw a mug of water,

like a bouncer by a Pakistani bowler,

You are walking like Super Mario

Ohh chooo

Impromptou face pack..

Multani soil ...

No pimples thereafter.

We still pretend that there
are rules and regulations here.

Till now we are unable
to stand in a queue, dude.

When you're at the
airport waiting to board,

without turning around,
you can tell who is standing behind you.

Because he will come till here

And he has no shame,
he will turn and start talking to you.

Is this flight going to Mumbai?

Yes sir, you have managed
to enter my soul

Another guy from here,
"Hey, what's the score?"

You guys think Raavan had ten heads?
No.

Ten people were talking.

Then you are stuck,
come on guys, boarding.

They started living together after that

They are unable to stand in a line.

People on the road
start screaming randomly.

You are walking on the street
and someone starts screaming ...

And everyone will turn.

And ask, did you call me?

No no, that guy Rohit.

When you know his name,

then use it dude.

That's the reason people
are assigned names,

so we don't have to yell

and then choose the
person we want to talk to.

This happens on the streets only.

This behaviour is
exclusive to the streets.

Have you seen this
in a boardroom meeting?

That the CEO has spoken, hey!

I am the MD and I would like to add...

In this country, we are just unable
to form a proper queue on the street...

However, here we still have
the yellow light at the traffic signal.

Who is not ready?

Who says that once green
comes after red, a fear creeps in?

Give us a little bit of buffer.

Sir, two primary colour back to back...

No no no...

If a little yellow appears,
to start the car.

If you stop at the red light,
people shout here.

Someone stopped at the red light...

One of my friend's was driving
and she stopped at the red light...

Two people on a scooty
started heckling her.

And just look at their audacity,

"Hey, Mother Teresa, move on."

I said, "What about me sir?"

"What a wonderful person you are,
the way you speak."

There is so much redundancy here,
for everything.

So much redundancy...

We have a switch for the fan,

a regulator as well and
the regulator has a zero as well.

Enjoy...

If some uncle wants to experiment,

to know if Faraday's
claim is true or not.

Switch on the fan,
switch off the regulator and check.

People are doing it, it's not working...

He was telling the truth...

The reading on a fan regulator is...

0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

This isn't accurate on any scale.

Use any...Linear scale,
algorithmic scale,

I'll tell you the actual reading.

It should be 0, 0.1., 0.2, 79...

Perfect cooling....and
let's be adventurous today.

I don't understand
why the fan has 5 and 1.

Who switches on the fan at 1?

I switched on the fan at 1.

The fan itself doesn't work at 1.

If you switch on the fan at 1,
the fan will blurt out

If you switch it on at 2,
the fan will work, but sarcastically.

The fan will work,
but

Get married, son...

You're a fan.

Why are all table fans in India

kept on chairs?

Table fan doesn't have an ambition.

It's happy sitting on a chair.

Doesn't want to move up in life.

Except the owner,
the table fan cools everyone else.

If you own a table fan,
and have called guests home,

it will give breeze to all....

And brother, how are you?

Good?

You too good?

Get lost..

I'm your owner, I'm sitting here

I pay your bills,

and you serve everyone else except me?

Sometimes, while sleeping,
you keep the table fan facing you.

You wake up next morning, the
table fan is facing outside the window.

It will turn to look at you and say,
"Isn't the world so beautiful?"

Let's live it up.

In other countries,
you open the tap, water will pour out.

Now what will I do all day?

India is very excited about the tap,

Anything can happen now.

Anything can happen.

There will be one tap, when you open it,

Before water comes, the tap
itself will come out in your hand.

Father can't open
a jam bottle but son...

Father, I can tackle the
plumbing with my left hand.

Be careful about how you treat me, okay?

I am not Gangadhar, I am Shaktimaan.

Alright, seems like some
Gangadhars in the crowd.

He fits it back.

There's another tap,

you turn it for 90 degrees
and nothing comes out

You are obviously curious...

You will stuff your
beautiful face in there

And one more degree

Yesterday's dirt and water
will all come gushing out.

Face pack number two.

No pimples for years.

One tap is like a relationship.

Easy to start,
and if you try to turn it off...

It will...

It will take seven births and
the crying and wailing will not stop.

You turn it on,
I love you, I love you, I love you...

Stop it, stop it....

Quiet...

When you go for a bath,
there are two taps

One for hot water and
another for cold.

You just can't remember which is which

Then you will stick one leg
out and stand for half an hour.

I bathe for two minutes and
my leg bathes for half an hour everyday.

It has experienced all possible
temperatures, there's no hair on it.

Is all cleared.

Sometimes my shower releases vapour

Mixing, mixing, mixing...

When it's normal temperature, you think

oh ho, water is ready for consumption

Till the time you face the shower,
everything will be fine.

As soon as you turn,
the shower can see...

As soon as you turn, the shower says...

The lad has turned, open up the volcano.

Let's do some Dracarys!

Cold cold water...

You have burnt me dude.

That's why Indians maybe fair,
but they are always dark in the groin.

1/3 is laughing,
1/3 is clapping, 1/3 is hiding face.

You too, yes you too, yes all of us.

People in other countries are one shade,

white, white, white, brown,
brown, brown, black, black, black.

Indians are brown,
pitch black and brown.

Looks like God has welded
different parts and made us.

Upper body comes from one factory
while the lower body comes from another.

God says, "Hey dude,
get me a cup of tea." Take him away!

Here's a footpath, you fall.

Oh man, India manages
to surprise you everyday.

I had gone for a vacation to Lonavala,
there's a place called Tiger point.

Okay.

I'm expecting at least
one cat will be there.

And who do I find there?

Humidity 97 percent,

greenery, you know who was
standing on top of the mountain?

Camel was standing there.

Camel...

Could this animal be further
removed from its natural habitat?

Picked up from the desert and
dropped in the midst of greenery...

An animal which has
been created by evolution

so that it can survive
months on end without water...

it is standing in 97 percent humidity.

Can carry civilization on its shoulders

and transport them
from Africa to Mongolia...

For 20 rupees he is taking
the crying child to the candy store.

The camel's monthly expenses can be met
with the tears the little kid is shedding.

The camel must be so depressed man.

On top of the mountain he must
be thinking everyday, "Should I jump?"

Was giving everyone
sad melancholic looks.

The friend was taking photos
of the camel to upload on Instagram.

The camel must be so sad and depressed.

Instead of 20 litres of water
he must be storing Old Monk in his hump.

Seeing a construction site...

if he sees sand at a construction site,
he misses his home.

He must be thinking,

we used to have such awesome
parties in the Jaipur desert,

It's all barren, it's all barren.

We used to have cheese camel popcorn.

This joke is for me.

I love Indian households.

We have such things in our households...

Like an Indian refrigerator
can hold anything, just anything.

I have never seen anybody go to a
refrigerator and come back disappointed.

Whatever you bring,
there's always place for it.

If you bring an elephant also,

your mom will say, "Hey, move
the chillies a little and he'll fit."

You'll wonder how.

Just shove and push it a little.

You will move it, elephant
will fit in and sit comfortably.

No problem at all, people will
stuff anything in their refrigerators.

Anything they'll try to fit...

When the black hole
photograph was released...

My father says,
"I've seen this somewhere."

Mom responds, "Yes, it's below the egg."

I said, "oh!
NASA took it from there it looks like."

"Where else will they take it from?"

My mom is mad.

I'm telling you.
My mom is mad. She knows nothing.

My mom has been living
in the same house for 30 years

and she still doesn't understand...

that sound does not travel
from the kitchen to the bedroom.

And she's not even trying some new ways.

In the same tone everyday...

We start to watch
the match...as soon as...

as soon as you sit
down to watch the match...

Mom will remember something.

As soon as you switch on the TV...

Everyone ignores the first time.

Thinking mom will figure out on her own.

Nobody goes in the first time.

Everyone trusts mom that much

Forget it man...

She does it everyday, she will do it.

Second time again...

You put the TV on mute.

What are you saying, mom?

You get up to go see what she's saying.

You reach the kitchen,
mom what have you been saying?

Mummy is passive aggressive, "Nothing."

You are like,
how did "nothing" change to

ayee lelalayl lay
lelelelele when we heard it?

Then you also turn passive aggressive,
you turn...

If there is nothing, then it's okay.

Then mom sends a message through you...

Dangerous message...

"Tell your father,
to make food on his own."

"Huh, you can convey
that message yourself."

"He's my father not my husband."

"Okay?"

Tell your father,
to make food on his own.

I will have to bear the
brunt of this news, right?

Father does not understand,
that the messenger is not at fault...

You...Why did you have to
come and tell me...Take that...

My mom's a magician.

She does odd things.

My mom has cast a spell
on all the things in the kitchen.

Only she is able to spot things.

And to check her magic,
she keeps sending us in.

You'll go in, the stuff
is right in front of your eyes,

but you won't be able to see it.

You...

You see it, what do you call this?
I can't understand...

Mom asks, "What can you see?"

One spherical yellow thing

"It's called a lemon."

Yes!

"Found the lighter?"

No...Lighter is not here at all.

"It's right there."

Not here...

Then your mom will come and say,
"It's right there."

You ask her, where?

You turn and realize it's right there!

You say, dude, how is this happening?

My mom does one thing brilliantly...

And no one in this world can do it.

Dust...My mom's enemy is dust.

When my mom enters a room...

Dust panics and flies away.
From far.

They clean themselves up.

Mom enters a room...

dust just evaporates
from the window and places.

Bye guys

Early morning it's swirling around

With the first ray of sunshine,
let's dance...okay.

You guys thought...

Dust is everywhere
in India...everywhere.

You guys thought there's no dust here?

Switch on the light.

Everywhere...see this...see this

Go...

won't go...till mom doesn't show up,
this just won't go.

Pay whoever you want.

There's so much dust dude,
so much dust in our houses...

I asked my friend,
where does this dust come from?

He said, "Dust is mostly dead skin."

That means, I am dust.

This is me.

I am paying my maid
to throw me out of my house.

Lights back...

You felt so amazing right, suddenly?

You guys weren't expecting
a science experiment to happen here.

I had gone to a foreign country...

And there I realized, that we Indians...

Purchase only cheap goods.

From everywhere.

Spoilt our name.

Foreigners think that we are cheap.

I am changing this perception.

I am changing this perception fully.

I go to most expensive stores...

Ask for the most expensive stuff,
and when they show it to me...

I'm not impressed.

In Japan I visited a store...

Asked, do you have any expensive wine?

And they showed me, "20,000 dollar wine."

"Very nice."

I told them, "I said expensive..."

So they said, "This is expensive."

I said, "This expensive in Japan?"

"In India, beggar drink this."

Totally screwed with them dude...

"Okay, sorry."

I said, no problem,
forget it, it's okay...

I was leaving,
and they were discussing...

"Indian economy booming."

5.8 percent buddy!

We should all do it.

You don't have to buy anything,
just go and chew their brains.

Go to a toy store and,
do you have aeroplane?

They're like, "Aeroplane toy..."

Oh in Japan toy aeroplane,
in India big aeroplane.

Fly...

People are buying
JCB to comb their hair.

When people see Indian
customers approaching, they hide,

"He will ask for expensive things now."

When you visit foreign countries...

There, if you don't know their language,

they don't know your language

then you don't try
to learn their language.

You just slow down your language,

hoping that it works.

In Japan I asked a man,
where is the station?

What is the way to the station?

He said,

I didn't understand anything.

He didn't understand anything.

So I repeated,
where is station?

He also,

Where...

Like his brain understands English

Just that he has forgotten

If I speak slowly...

He is not a kid...

That if you speak slowly,
he will be like, "oh!"

He speaks a different language!

When you go,
and if somebody can't speak English...

You forget that you do speak English.

You start speaking bad English.

If he speaks bad English,
you will match it.

One man asked me,
"How many cigarette wanting you?"

I replied,
"Too many cigarette wanting me."

He doesn't understand English

nor do I speak understand English

communication done.

My parents are crying...

"Why did we educate him?

One he is smoking, to top that,

too many cigarette wanting me?!"

"Verb, tense, noun,
sentence he doesn't know anything."

My mom asked,

People drive on the other side
of the road in foreign countries.

No one told them which side to drive on.

They are happy driving on the
wrong side, but it works for them.

Because everyone is
driving on the wrong side.

They are also sitting on the wrong side,
in the car.

Inside the car.

And the Indian brain
is unable to fathom this.

One day before breakfast
I was standing around.

A car was approaching and on that
side a three year old kid was sitting.

I was so impressed that day...

No wonder this country
was progressing at a rapid pace.

Just check out this three
year old's driving sense.

Isn't this kid great!

Then on the same side,
a dog was seated in the next car.

I didn't get it then...

I said, now this is more like it.

In our country,
dogs are still chasing cars.

This dog, has placed his
paw on the accelerator and woohoo!

He's off, if this country is not
progressing, then which country will?

Foreigners think that
Indians are very good at maths.

Our mathematics, there's no bigger lie.

Aryabhatt is gone.

Who all here, don't like maths.

Give me a cheer.

Hey, don't lie.

Everyone's sitting, yes we like maths.

Now I'll ask a question
and everyone will be scared

2+2?

3...

I love maths...

I've noticed that there
are two kinds of people.

A.

People who hate math
and are not good at maths.

B.

People who like math,
and are good at maths.

From A and B I conclude

people don't hate maths,
they hate themselves.

There are things to hate about

how maths is taught in India.

Like a question was asked,
there's no maths at all...

If maths, then mom's, grandfather's,
brother's...sister's brother...

Your brother's,
sister's, mom's....sister's brother...

Then how are we related?

I used to simply write,
you and I are not related.

I don't want a relative.

Who comes as a question.

That too for one mark.

And when I solve it,
it turns out you are my mom?!

One question was asked,
which ideally should be banned...

One question was asked...

If two people can dig
up a road in 15 days...

Then how many days will it
take 15 people to dig up the road?

Who will fill it up?

You have dug up and made the
country into an underground tunnel.

And you want to dig more?

We used to be taught
all kinds of nonsense,

and we used to believe it as well.

We used to get a question.

The square root of minus one...

This was not a question,
but they used to teach us.

The square root of minus
one is an imaginary number.

We used to be taught, you guys remember?

The square root of minus
one is an imaginary number.

And we used to believe it.

It could be.

We haven't really thought about it.

That minus one itself
is an imaginary number.

It never occurred to us.

Have you ever seen a
naturally occurring minus one?

Like,"Uncle,
how many apples in this apple tree?"

"Minus one"

"Give me a smoke as well."

How can there be a minus one?

Minus one...

How can Chintu have minus one sweets?

The only way you can
get minus one sweets is...

If you've never had sweets in your
life and one day you excrete a sweet.

Then you can come out
of the toilet and be like,

"I have minus one sweets."

"Sorry mummy one second"

I am displaying one sweet.

"Tell father to eat the sweet."

I really like the
audiences at a comedy show.

I love comedy audience.

Because you guys literally,

are beggars of happiness.

Really you guys are that.

Think about it,
you give money, stuck in traffic...

A little outside here...

Standing in the line

You sweat a little...

You guys have come,
"We'll laugh a little."

You have to book the
tickets a month in advance...

"Dude, we have to laugh on that day."

"So many problems in life, brother's
also not able to make me laugh...

parents are unable to cheer me up."

"I need professional help."

"Will go for an hour
and forget the world...

Haha, lol, lol, rofl, lmao."

"Will have fun, dude."

You have come and are
sitting like school boys

for one hour like good kids.

This room fluctuates...

But you guys don't want to be happy,
you know that right?

You guys actually shouldn't feel happy.

If you had to be happy...

You would have all left after one joke.

You guys want to remain sad.

You guys are sitting, you hear
an awesome joke and you guys laugh.

When I told you the dust one

Then you are reminded of your life.

Then all of you from left to right,
look at me with sad eyes.

"Uncle, the effect of
the medicine is worn off."

"One more one more, let it come,
let it come, let it come, IT HAS COME!"

This room keeps fluctuating
between extreme depression and euphoria

See...

I stopped talking,
and you guys

"Sigh, there's nothing
to look forward to."

Soon as a joke comes

How did you like this one?

It entered your brain right?

And now everyone will be like, "Hey,
get out now, you're lodged in there."

I really like the
audiences at a comedy show.

People come here in search of happiness.

They come in thousands.

I am paid for this,
so I have no problem.

I am also searching for happiness,
money is not something...

Money, five star
is not happiness, buddy.

Five star is the saddest
of the lot...because you are...

When you are in poor house,
you're like, this is why I'm sad.

When you go to five star,
and you're still sad...

you're like, I am just sad, it is me.

You won't find happiness like this guys

My friend suggested
a way to find happiness,

but I didn't find it even then.

My friend told me,
"You practice meditation."

"You practice meditation."

"You will attain happiness."

I tried to meditate...

I didn't find happiness,
but sadness became slow

So bad thoughts come to me slowly.

I am sitting, thinking,

should I die today,

or tomorrow?

Gandhiji has said, if you
have to die tomorrow, die today...

And if today, then now.

But I'll have to find a rope.

Not one good thought in my head.

The only way to attain true happiness,
is not through all of this

No..

The only way to attain true happiness...

The joy you feel when you
gossip about a third person...

Oh ho...oh ho...

It is an orgasm of the soul

Even if

Even if you are in the middle of sex...

And someone says, "Hey,
did you hear about Rahul?"

Please wait one second.

Come on tell tell, what what
what what what, what what, tell tell...

Says, "Come on man let's
go get a drink and I'll tell you."

Everyone goes to listen to gossip.

The fun in bitching...

The joy you feel when you gossip
about a third person is incomparable.

That's why four people go out right?

Why do you think your mom says,
what will people say?

Because a group of
four will always criticize.

If you ever see four people on the road,
enjoying and laughing

From far off...

They are never saying that
my start up has picked up some funding

They are saying see
how his startup fell dude...

Four people are always enjoying...

Groups of two and three
cannot really enjoy.

In a group of two,
agreement, disagreement too quick.

You say, hey, Rahul is such an asshole.

He will say,
"That he is, tell me what you'll drink."

You will tell him,
"Dude, please add something else to this."

"What is your opinion of Rahul?"

"He is nothing, come on man..."

Disagreement is very quick,
Rahul is such an asshole.

"Dude, you're an asshole."

"Tell me what you'll drink."

Group of three is not a group...

In a group of three, either
someone is missing or someone is extra.

Sorry...

If there are groups of three here,
you know who you are.

Are you having sex?

No?!

Then you are extra.

Some people are nodding,
"Yes, yes, I felt that too."

In a group of four

there's one person who starts

Okay.
Starts bitching.

Some random stuff is happening

"Hey, did you watch the match?"

He says, "Hey, leave all that."

The other one says, "Left it."

"You said it and I left it."

"You tell."

So he says,

"You'll know the provocateur, right."

"He will provoke you."

"He will provoke a response from you."

"You guys know, right"

"Rahul got a promotion."

"How do you guys feel?"

"Tell me, how do you guys feel?"

You know it too.

One round of goodness should
precede one round of evil.

You'll too speak something good.

"Hey, feeling good.
I'm feeling good."

"Since good things have
happened to a hard working person,

I've gained trust on
myself...I mean on the world"

"Feeling good actually"

"What do you mean by feeling good?"

"He's our friend."

Every table has a student
from the state board

who can't pretend.

He can't.

He can't.

He has seen lot of miseries in life.

Teacher threw a duster on him,

he threw it back at the teacher.

He does not care.

He starts off.

He says, "Hey, Rahul..Ehhh.

"I feel like spitting on him."

Then he spits on the floor.

"I feel like spitting on him."

"Thooooo"

Brother, you don't have to
show everything through gestures.

We know what is the meaning of spitting.

He's showing how to spit.

"Thooooo..Thooo Thooo Thooo"

Then one person starts off,

"Bro". Now the evil begins.

"First round."

But now you are vague.

You are like, "Yes, he's a bit weird."

"I get some vibes from him."

"Don't you get some vibes from him?"

"If he walks this way,
don't you feel like this?"

Non-tangible

First, non-tangible

"Little"

"A little coffee..One day
when he was drinking coffee.."

"I wondered why does
he drink coffee this way."

Then one person presented
a tangible story.

He said, "What an
unprofessional guy Rahul is!"

"He smokes up so much."

"He has spoilt his brain."

"He thinks about
marijuana in everything."

"The other day,
boss asked him the supplier's number."

"So Rahul gave him the
contact of marijuana supplier."

"Guptaji is blasting
everyone on the phone,

"Hey, we haven't got the supply yet?"

"When will you send?"

He said, "Sir,
I'll send it whenever you ask for it."

"Just tell me how much you need."

"I told you 10 kgs."

"I'll get it right away.
Sir, just come below..Outside."

"You will deliver outside?"

"Yes Sir. I'll give it outside.
Please come."

A person walks into the
office with 10 kg marijuana.

Mr. Gupta got arrested.

"But where did the marijuana go?"

"I don't know, dude."

"Isn't it enough that
Mr. Gupta got arrested?"

The second person speaks up.

Now we have to start another story.

You're like, "This is nothing."

You've to start it like that.

"This is nothing, dude."

This is nothing.

Mr. Gupta got arrested, that's nothing.

This is nothing.

"This is nothing."

This is nothing.

"This is nothing.
We went to meet the chief minister

okay, to get permission for our event."

"We were sitting in
front of the chief minister,

talking to him."

He says, "We won't give permission."

"We won't give permission."

Rahul speaks up, "Sir, dude."

"Chief minister is a dude"

"Weed is now legal in California."

"When will it happen in Assam?"

The chief minister said,
"I'm Kerala's chief minister."

He says, "Sorry, dude, didn't mean it."

"He's your dude, your bro?"

The third person says,
"This is nothing."

"For an office outing,

we were passing though
the airport security."

"They took away Rahul's bag."

"Rahul argued with them."

He said, "Dude,
why did you take away my bag?"

So they say,

"Sir, there is some
bag in your marijuana"

Rahul says, "Sir, don't lie."

"I don't mix anything
with my marijuana."

"It's bad for the throat."

"And anyway,
it's not marijuana, it's hashish. Okay."

When the CRPF were taking him away,

he said, "Sir, why are you'll
wearing camouflage at an airport?"

"You'll are still visible"

"With normal clothes,
won't you be able to hide better?"

CRPF said, "Idiot, you have brains."

He said, "That's how sir,
you get it if you smoke up."

They were asking INR 10,000 for bail.

He asks them,
"Sir, do you accept PAYTM?"

We are so scared of maths,

we give away all our money to the bank.

"You keep it."

"Keep it, please."

My favourite bank is Yes Bank.

What were the names that were proposed,

that this was selected?

Yes Bank

No Bank

Or Maybe Bank

"Select, Sir."

"Is there a fourth option?"

"Sir, All of the Above Bank"

"Yes, 'Yes', it has a good vibe to it."

"And with 'No' people won't realise
it's a bank."

"If we write 'No Bank', people will say,

"Oh okay, it's not a bank."

"That's why I feel

Yes Bank' is perfect."

"Sir what about 'Maybe'?

"See, even for 'Maybe'

not sure, it maybe."

Yes Bank

There's a bank named 'Bank of India'.

Are rest of the banks from England?

Only you are from here.

I'll name my child 'Child of India'

Then what's the point
of naming ceremony?

You can't have a name
as object of location.

But my most favourite bank..

I can't...I'll not take the name.

But I'll tell you which bank it is.

My dad works in a bank.
The day I met with an accident,

I called up father,
"Dad, I met with an accident."

Father says, "It's lunch time.
Call later."

It's a lunch...Lunch break of India

When you visit this bank,

When you visit this bank,

you face the previous generation.

Because they are at their speed.

You are at your speed.

And none of you are going
to come into each other's speed.

It's full clash.

You go there the first day,

explore the entire bank.

In the evening,
you realise you had to take a token.

You ruined an entire day.

You did small talk
with the security guard.

"Are there bullets in the
gun or it's just a fake one?"

He says, "Should I fire?"

"No, no, it's fine.
I was just asking."

You enter the second day, get a token,

but still your turn hasn't arrived.

For a long time,
you read out the print on the windows.

"Okay, single window.
Just like me."

"Where to go? What to do?"

Then you go to one counter.

You stand in the line.

"Madam, I want to deposit INR 500."

But don't say like this.

That's not how you talk in this bank.

You say, "Hello madam"

"I want to deposit INR 500."

Your brain fails to comprehend

that sound can travel from above.

Sound can only travel
through the small hole.

Like this.

It will go in like this
and transaction will happen.

Madam, doesn't care.

Madam is typing with just one finger.
Okay.

All employees of this
bank type with just one finger.

The other hand is tied behind.

"Don't use it."

You are standing there smiling.

Inverted smile.

Madam goes on typing,
goes on typing, goes on typing

You are just looking at her.

You say, "Madam, still at username."

"Password will require 'Shift' as well."

"How will you do it?"

Then you raise your voice,

"Hey madam, I want to deposit INR 500."

You've awakened the dragon.

Madam will look at you and say,

"Give the form."

"A form needs to be filled?"

"Sorry"

"I'll come tomorrow."

They have a form for everything.

Everything.
There's a form to fill the form.

"Hey brother, one form please."

"Did you fill a form for that?"

"Aaah. Sorry. Sorry"

"Sorry. From where..
Where does it start from?"

"You should start from childhood."

"Brother, now, you'll are late."

For anything

If you go to loot a bank,

with two big guns,

and fire

"Give me all the money."

"Please get the form filled."

"Don't create a ruckus.
Don't fire a gun,

That's very old."

"I'm a terrorist.
Terrorist."

"Write 'Terrorist' as your occupation."

"To prove your occupation, do you have a

certificate from any reputed
terrorist oragnisation?"

"You'll need an attested
copy of the same."

"Get that done."

"And what else you need?"

"I need all the money."

"Write the denomination you prefer."

"You'll get 2000 notes.
Is that fine?"

"Uhhh ..Yes"

"And don't create a ruckus,
he has diabetes. Okay."

"Move aside."

"Okay"

Keeps the gun aside and fills the form.

A bygone terrorist calls out, "Hey,
you think it's easy to loot?"

"Since seven days, my rent agreement

has not been accepted, dude."

"Hey, it's not a private bank."

"It's the government."

You are given a form, you take it.

You are screwed as it's just six pages.

Then a great, knowledgeable man emerges

and says, "No need to fill everything".

And then he disappears.

You get the form then realise that

you don't have a pen.

But you don't give up.

Never owned a pen in ten years.

You start searching for a pen
in your own clothes.

Pen...

Must be here...must be here

Umbrella....

Sweet...

Then you don't get a pen.
You find a pen.

A pen is kept tied

They feed it Parle-G.

The pen's name is Chintu.

If you call out, "Choo, choo"

it.

This pen is tied ...

which thief has such
low level of motivation?

What's kept open is stolen.

But if tied....Aaaaah

Take the pen and start filling the form.

Initially, it's all easy.

Then you're faced with a doubt.

Then there's an uncle next to you.

Knowledgeable uncle

The closer you stand near uncle,

the better you will
be able to fill the form.

First, you notice that, "Write
everything in capital letters...Oooo"

Then you ask him a doubt.

"Uncle, do I add name in the name field?

Uncle says, "Do you have a name?"

"Yes, I've a name."

"Then write it."

"Okay."

"Father's name..."

"Does your father have a name?
Then write it."

There's an argument in the background.

"Hey, today they are
asking for the gun license."

"Where
do I get the gun license?"

"There was no registration
at the time I bought it."

Terrorists argue, "What dude,
even today it's not happening."

"My photo itself is not matching, dude."

You continue filling the form.

I don't understand why
people keep filling the form.

The thing is, when you go the counter
after checking it ten times,

it's the same failure.

Very basic...You've checked it 40 times.
40 times.

You've checked each thing ten times.

Basic mistake

You submit the form to madam,
madam says,

"What's your name?"

"Biswa"

"So why is 'Vimal' written here?"

"Oh sorry madam.
We were discussing and writing

so it caused more problem."

"What is the current year?"

"2019"

"It's written, madam."

"You've written 2019 as your birthday."

"Yes madam.
I'm so young."

"See, I cannot reach."

You continue writing.

Keep trying.

Everything..
For father's name there are 100 boxes.

For mother's name there are 100 boxes.

You write.

Suddenly, in between,
you're faced with a tough question.

"Who will get your
money after your death?"

You say, "I'm depositing INR 500."

"Cremate it along with me."

Your mother speaks in the background.

"Sorry mother.
Shouldn't speak about death."

I simply write,
"With this money, gift a typing course

to Counter number 2 madam."

That many people will be
saved from suffering slip disc.

Then comes the most final field

Toughest field

Name has 100 boxes.

Father's name has 100 boxes.

Mother's name has 100 boxes.

Address has three boxes.

Fill it the way you can.

And you don't give up.

You rack your brains,
write the name on a rice grain.

You start filling.

Public will write address in full form,

nothing shortened.

"F-13, Godavari Building,
Take a left from main road,"

"Don't be scared"

"Keep going. Alright?"

"Nothing to worry."

"There...There's an unpaved road."

"They've dug it up."

"You might have to
come via one or two caves."

"But stay courageous."

"Keep going, you'll see a camel."

"It's very depressed,
don't speak to it."

"After this, you will find my house.
How will you recognize it?"

"There'll be a table
fan facing outside."

Mumbai, Maharashtra, 44400222

India, Earth.

'Solar system' in bracket.

'Universe' in bracket.

'This universe' in bracket.

Not parallel

You stick this.

Then you realise you've overwritten.

Because the next line is Address line 2.

"How have I pooped here!"

"Once again will have to fill the form."

Thank you guys.
You've been an amazing audience.

Thank you so much.

Oh standing ovation.
Great.

Amazing

Drop the curtain.

See, with my magic spell,
I'll drop the curtain.

Wait, wait, the curtain is falling.

Biswa

Here it comes.

Come, come, come, come.

Ohh Ohh.
Oooh

Thank you!

Thank you!

Bye bye

Bye guys