Original subtitles

BLACKADDER - The Cavalier Years

In 1648, king Charles was in flight from the wrath of Cromwell & his Roundheads.

Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown. In 1648, king Charles was in flight from the wrath of Cromwell & his Roundheads.

Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.

One was the sole descendent of a great historical english dynasty. Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.

One was the sole descendent of a great historical english dynasty.

his name, Sir Edmund Blackadder. One was the sole descendent of a great historical english dynasty.

his name, Sir Edmund Blackadder.

The other was the sole descendent of an unfortunate meeting between a pig-farmer and a bearded lady. his name, Sir Edmund Blackadder.

The other was the sole descendent of an unfortunate meeting between a pig-farmer and a bearded lady.

History has, quite rightly, forgotten his name. The other was the sole descendent of an unfortunate meeting between a pig-farmer and a bearded lady.

History has, quite rightly, forgotten his name.

Yes, sir? Baldrick!

Yes, sir?

Get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing. Yes, sir?

Get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing.

How's the King, sir? Get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing.

Erm, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man How's the King, sir? Get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing.

How's the King, sir? Erm, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man

Erm, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man

who's spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush. Erm, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man

who's spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush.

Do you think the Roundheads will find him?

Certainly not. Do you think the Roundheads will find him?

I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as fox Certainly not. Do you think the Roundheads will find him?

Certainly not. I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as fox

I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as fox

being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises. I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as fox

being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.

Yes, of course it's true. Have you ever known me to lie to the King? Is that true?

Yes, of course it's true. Have you ever known me to lie to the King?

Yes. Yes, of course it's true. Have you ever known me to lie to the King?

Yes.

No. Yes.

Exactly. No. Yes.

He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut. Exactly. No. Yes.

No. Exactly. He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.

Exactly. He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.

He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.

You can trust me, sir. He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.

You can trust me, sir.

Right, Baldrick; I'm off to answer the call of nature.

If, by any freak chance, Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk Right, Baldrick; I'm off to answer the call of nature.

If, by any freak chance, Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk

in the next ninety seconds, remember: If, by any freak chance, Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk

The King is not hiding here. in the next ninety seconds, remember: If, by any freak chance, Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk

in the next ninety seconds, remember: The King is not hiding here.

The King is not hiding here.

Yes, sir The King is not hiding here.

Yes, sir

I am Oliver Cromwell. My men have surrounded your house,

Good evening, citizen! I am Oliver Cromwell. My men have surrounded your house,

I am Oliver Cromwell. My men have surrounded your house,

and I am looking for royalist scum. I am Oliver Cromwell. My men have surrounded your house,

Is the King hiding here? and I am looking for royalist scum. I am Oliver Cromwell. My men have surrounded your house,

and I am looking for royalist scum. Is the King hiding here?

Is the King hiding here?

No.

On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure?

Yes, I am. On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure?

Well then, my proud beauty, Yes, I am. On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure?

Yes, I am. Well then, my proud beauty,

Well then, my proud beauty,

I see. Well then, my proud beauty,

Well then, my proud beauty,

Men! Come in from the cold, will you! Well then, my proud beauty,

Men! Come in from the cold, will you!

you won't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you... Men! Come in from the cold, will you!

Men! Come in from the cold, will you!

All right, but don't touch the purple cup. Men! Come in from the cold, will you!

All right, but don't touch the purple cup.

Now; we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside. All right, but don't touch the purple cup.

All right, but don't touch the purple cup.

Why not? All right, but don't touch the purple cup.

Why not?

That's the King's. Why not?

That's the King's.

Two Weeks Later. The Tower of London.

Thank you, citizen. You may leave me alone with King Charles.

Ah, Mr Cromwell! How delightful to see you again.

Um, don't get up. Tell me: Er, have you come far?

I have, sir! from country squire to Lord Protector of England!

Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating.

Erm, tell me: Er, what exactly does a Lord Protector do, as it were? Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating.

Erm, tell me: Er, what exactly does a Lord Protector do, as it were?

He spells your doom, sir!

He spells my doom? Wonderful! Well, that's particularly exciting,

because so many people these days can't spell at all! er, He spells my doom? Wonderful! Well, that's particularly exciting,

because so many people these days can't spell at all! er,

particularly, as you know, in the inner cities, which is my area of interest. because so many people these days can't spell at all! er,

particularly, as you know, in the inner cities, which is my area of interest.

Pretty speech, sir! particularly, as you know, in the inner cities, which is my area of interest.

Pretty speech, sir!

But all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold!

Jolly good! Fascinating! Carry on. But all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold!

Jolly good! Fascinating! Carry on.

A priest, sir, to help you make your peace with God before you die!

Ah, hello!

Your Majesty, Ah, hello!

Your Majesty,

I can arrange for certain monies to be paid, to allow you to escape.

Blackadder! You're dressed as a priest! I can arrange for certain monies to be paid, to allow you to escape.

Blackadder! You're dressed as a priest!

How dangerous and stupid and perverted! It's just like school! Blackadder! You're dressed as a priest!

How dangerous and stupid and perverted! It's just like school!

Sire, this is a matter of life and death.

Nonsense, Blackadder Sire, this is a matter of life and death.

Nonsense, Blackadder

I don't think there's a jury in England that would bring in a verdict of guilty against me. Nonsense, Blackadder

I don't think there's a jury in England that would bring in a verdict of guilty against me.

Your Majesty -- the verdict of the jury.

So, what does it say? Er, ? Guilty?, or ?Not Guilty??

I'll give you two guesses.

Er, ?Not Guilty?. I'll give you two guesses.

Er, ?Not Guilty?.

One more guess.

Oh, damn

one measly civil war in the entire history of England, Oh, damn

one measly civil war in the entire history of England,

and I'm on the wrong bloody side!

Something wrong, sir?

Yes, Baldrick, yes, there is. Something wrong, sir?

Yes, Baldrick, yes, there is.

Don't you realise that, if the King dies, we royalists are doomed? Yes, Baldrick, yes, there is.

Don't you realise that, if the King dies, we royalists are doomed?

We will enter a hideous age of puritanism

they'll close all the theatres; lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal We will enter a hideous age of puritanism

they'll close all the theatres; lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal

and I won't be able to find a friendly face to sit on this side of Boulogne.

If they so much as suspect our loyalties, our property will be forfeit and we'll be for the chop.

Ooh, I love chops...

Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed man-eating haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.

In what way?

It doesn't exist. Oh god, what are we going to do?

Don't despair, sir; something will pop up.

Not under puritanism, it won't.

We must do something,

We must do something, otherwise the Blackadders are as doomed as that ant.

What ant?

That one.

January 30th. So this is the day of the execution of

Charles the First...

Absolutely not, Your Majesty! Charles the First...

Absolutely not, Your Majesty!

Those Roundhead traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle. Absolutely not, Your Majesty!

Those Roundhead traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle.

How fascinating! Erm, what is that, exactly? Those Roundhead traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle.

How fascinating! Erm, what is that, exactly?

They will never find a man to behead you. How fascinating! Erm, what is that, exactly?

They will never find a man to behead you.

They'd have hundreds of volunteers to cut Cromwell's head off They will never find a man to behead you.

They'd have hundreds of volunteers to cut Cromwell's head off

he's such an ugly devil. They'd have hundreds of volunteers to cut Cromwell's head off

he's such an ugly devil.

He's got so many warts on his face that it's only when he sneezes

that you find out which one is his nose. He's got so many warts on his face that it's only when he sneezes

that you find out which one is his nose.

But they will never find a man to execute you.

Well, you see, I find that absolutely tragic! But they will never find a man to execute you.

Well, you see, I find that absolutely tragic!

You know, there are so many young people who would leap at a chance like this.

Oh, I don't know ... You know, there are so many young people who would leap at a chance like this.

Oh, I don't know ...

all they need is the initiative, somehow. Oh, I don't know ...

all they need is the initiative, somehow.

I suppose, in a sense, that's what my Wood Scheme is all about. all they need is the initiative, somehow.

I suppose, in a sense, that's what my Wood Scheme is all about.

Really... - Yes. I suppose, in a sense, that's what my Wood Scheme is all about.

Really... - Yes.

On the other hand, of course,

I don't want my head cut off... On the other hand, of course,

I don't want my head cut off...

Er, it's a question of balance, isn't it? like with so many things.

Shut up - - with the greatest respect - - Your Majesty. Er, it's a question of balance, isn't it? like with so many things.

Shut up - - with the greatest respect - - Your Majesty.

Thank you.

They will never find an executioner, Thank you.

They will never find an executioner,

and if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket. They will never find an executioner,

and if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket.

A message for the King.

"There's a tavern in the town -- IN THE TOWN!"

For God's sake, stop that, Baldrick!

It's bad enough having one's life in utter ruins without being serenaded by a moron

with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster. It's bad enough having one's life in utter ruins without being serenaded by a moron

with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster.

I'm sorry, sir -- I can't help it. See, I've just had a little windfall.

Baldrick, I've told you before: If you're going to do that, go into the garden.

No -- I mean I've come into some money.

Really... Family inheritance? No -- I mean I've come into some money.

Really... Family inheritance?

No. I ate that ages ago. Really... Family inheritance?

No. I ate that ages ago.

Oh yes, of course -- your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip.

No, it was fifty pounds, actually; it was delicious.

But this is just a little something that fell in my lap. No, it was fifty pounds, actually; it was delicious.

But this is just a little something that fell in my lap.

Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap, Baldrick.

No... But this one is a job.

Really... No... But this one is a job.

Really...

I just don't understand it. Really...

I just don't understand it.

Where on Earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, I just don't understand it.

Where on Earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul,

so low and degraded as to accept the job of beheading the King of England? Where on Earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul,

so low and degraded as to accept the job of beheading the King of England?

Baldrick...

Yeah?

That little job that fell into your lap... - Yes?

It wasn't, by any chance, something to do with an axe, a basket,

a little black mask, and the King of England...? It wasn't, by any chance, something to do with an axe, a basket,

a little black mask, and the King of England...?

Nah... a little black mask, and the King of England...?

Nah...

Go on. Nah...

Go on.

I couldn't find a basket. Go on.

I couldn't find a basket.

You very small total bastard!

Oh, please, sir! Don't kill me! I have a cunning plan to save the King!

Well, you'll forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy; Oh, please, sir! Don't kill me! I have a cunning plan to save the King!

Well, you'll forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy;

your family's record in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive Well, you'll forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy;

your family's record in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive

as Stumpy O'Leg McNoleg's personal best in the Market Harborough Marathon.

All right... What's the plan?

A pumpkin is going to save the King...

Aah! But, over here, I have one that I prepared earlier.

I will balance it on the King's head, like this.

Then, I will cover his real head with a cloak, and then, when I execute him, I will balance it on the King's head, like this.

Then, I will cover his real head with a cloak, and then, when I execute him,

instead of cutting off his real head, I will cut off the pumpkin, and the King survives!

I'm not sure it's going to work, Balders.

Why not? I'm not sure it's going to work, Balders.

Why not?

Because, once you cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say, Why not?

Because, once you cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say,

"This is the head of a traitor," at which point, they will shout back,

"No it's not; it's large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it. "This is the head of a traitor," at which point, they will shout back,

"No it's not; it's large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it.

I suppose it's not one hundred percent convincing.

It's not one percent convincing, Baldrick. I suppose it's not one hundred percent convincing.

It's not one percent convincing, Baldrick.

However, I'm a busy man, and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment. It's not one percent convincing, Baldrick.

However, I'm a busy man, and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment.

Here is my fist. Kindly run towards it as fast as you can.

Yes, sir.

I just don't understand it! What possessed you to take the job?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir - - it was just a wild, silly, foolish plan.

I thought, with the money I got from executing the King, I could sneak out and Oh, I'm sorry, sir - - it was just a wild, silly, foolish plan.

I thought, with the money I got from executing the King, I could sneak out and

buy a brand-new king when no-one was looking, I thought, with the money I got from executing the King, I could sneak out and

buy a brand-new king when no-one was looking,

and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing. buy a brand-new king when no-one was looking,

and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing.

Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants. and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing.

Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants.

You'd do anything for thirty pieces of silver, wouldn't you...

It was a thousand pounds, actually, sir -- plus tip! You'd do anything for thirty pieces of silver, wouldn't you...

It was a thousand pounds, actually, sir -- plus tip!

Well, I suppose somebody's got to do it, hadn't they!

And if it's going to be done, it's got to be done in a single stroke by someone who actually owns an axe.

We don't want you hacking away at it all afternoon with that cheap pen-knife of yours.

It would be so embarrassing to have King Charles staggering around Hampton Court tomorrow morning

with his neck flapping like a fish's gills. It would be so embarrassing to have King Charles staggering around Hampton Court tomorrow morning

with his neck flapping like a fish's gills.

Sir, you don't mean...?

Yep -- I'm doing it. Lend me your costume, Sir, you don't mean...?

Yep -- I'm doing it. Lend me your costume,

then go immediately to the King and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackadder cannot be with him tomorrow.

And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse.

...so that's why he can't be here. Sorry.

I see. Well, I quite understand, yes... ...so that's why he can't be here. Sorry.

I see. Well, I quite understand, yes...

Sir, the moment has arrived! Are you ready to meet your maker?

Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life, Sir, the moment has arrived! Are you ready to meet your maker?

Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life,

but, er, yes, particularly manufacturing industries.

Well then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner, and let's get on with it. but, er, yes, particularly manufacturing industries.

Well then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner, and let's get on with it.

Right.

Well, I'm sorry, my friend, I'm alone here today

I had hoped that my good, loyal chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder, would be here with me, but,

unfortunately, his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry patch,

so, naturally, he can't be with us.

Uh huh...

All I can do is bid you do your duty well.

Well, thank you, Your Majesty. And may I say how much I mourn for your lot,

and bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly.

Thank you. I take great solace from that. and bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly.

Thank you. I take great solace from that.

Sir Thomas More, for instance: A great, generous man to the last. Thank you. I take great solace from that.

Sir Thomas More, for instance: A great, generous man to the last.

He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely... Sir Thomas More, for instance: A great, generous man to the last.

He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely...

Oh, I'm so sorry; I thought service was included. I beg your pardon.

Um, here you are.

Hmm. And then there was the Earle of Essex...

Was there...

A truly great man -- they still sing his famous ballad down the Chepstow Arms.

What ballad is that? A truly great man -- they still sing his famous ballad down the Chepstow Arms.

What ballad is that?

"The Earle he had a thousand sovereigns, hey nonny no! What ballad is that?

"The Earle he had a thousand sovereigns, hey nonny no!

He gave them all away to the man with the axe ... oh!"

A thousand sovereigns?

Well, you can't take it with you, Your Majesty... A thousand sovereigns?

Well, you can't take it with you, Your Majesty...

Very true. Well, there you are. Well, you can't take it with you, Your Majesty...

Very true. Well, there you are.

Do keep the change. Very true. Well, there you are.

Do keep the change.

Thank you, Your Majesty. Do keep the change.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

Right; should we go? Thank you, Your Majesty.

Right; should we go?

Just a moment! Right; should we go?

Just a moment!

That voice has a strangely familiar ring ... and so does that finger! Just a moment!

That voice has a strangely familiar ring ... and so does that finger!

Blackadder!

Hello, Your Majesty!

You cunning swine!

Er, yes, well, er, er, er...

Marvelous! Splendid!

You duped Cromwell and you've concocted a cunning plan Marvelous! Splendid!

You duped Cromwell and you've concocted a cunning plan

to help me and my infant son escape to France! You duped Cromwell and you've concocted a cunning plan

to help me and my infant son escape to France!

Ah yes! That's right, yes...

So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away! Ah yes! That's right, yes...

So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away!

Yes, let's... Er... Well... You start the ball rolling.

No, no -- after you.

Er, yeah, right, yes...

Er, oh yes! Yes, right! and it's a very good plan!

It's a staggering, bowel-shatteringly good plan! Er, oh yes! Yes, right! and it's a very good plan!

It's a staggering, bowel-shatteringly good plan!

Ten Minutes Later Is the King ready?

He is.Come, Your Majesty! Ten Minutes Later Is the King ready?

He is.Come, Your Majesty!

This is the head of a traitor!

No it's not; it's a huge pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it! This is the head of a traitor!

No it's not; it's a huge pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it!

Oh yes -- so it is! Sorry! I'll try again.

Well, sir, they can't say you didn't try.

Now the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms, Well, sir, they can't say you didn't try.

Now the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms,

in the person of this infant prince. Now the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms,

in the person of this infant prince.

And, with the money you've earned, you and he can escape to France. in the person of this infant prince.

And, with the money you've earned, you and he can escape to France.

Well, quite. And, with the money you've earned, you and he can escape to France.

Well, quite.

On the other hand, you can stay here, and, as a known loyalist,

the Roundheads will come and cut your head off. On the other hand, you can stay here, and, as a known loyalist,

the Roundheads will come and cut your head off.

Exactly, Baldrick! the Roundheads will come and cut your head off.

Exactly, Baldrick!

Oh my god!

Do you want the house burned? Oh my god!

Do you want the house burned?

Oh no! We're surrounded! What'll we do? Do you want the house burned?

Oh no! We're surrounded! What'll we do?

Well, at times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man of honour. Oh no! We're surrounded! What'll we do?

Well, at times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man of honour.

He must stand and fight, and die in defence of his... Well, at times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man of honour.

He must stand and fight, and die in defence of his...

future sovereign. He must stand and fight, and die in defence of his...

future sovereign.

Fortunately, I'm not a man of honour.

Thank God you've come! Seize the royalist scum!!!

subtitles by Rollo