Original subtitles

(liquid dripping intermittently)

- Danny? - DANNY: What?

What are you doing?

I'm cooking salmon. What do you think I'm doing?

- I'm taking a leak. - Are you sure?

- Go away. - Do you need to see a doctor?

No! It's just... it's slower than it used to be.

It sounds like some kind of blockage.

- Well, stop listening. - (sighs)

- (liquid drips) - God.

DANNY: You still there?

(liquid drips)

♪ ♪

Oh. Yikes.

(water splashes)

Whoa.

- Come here. Just come here. - What?

- Look at her. - (sighs)

Why do I got to see that?

SANDRA: What, she can't enjoy the backyard?

- I'm gonna say no. - Don't be an idiot.

Look, so long as we're on the subject,

it's been six months.

When is Wilma Flintstone gonna go back to Bedrock?

She's my mother. This is my home.

She's welcome as long as she wants.

- So I don't get a vote? - Yeah, you get a vote.

Go ahead. Vote.

- Have a nice day. - Oh.

Oh. I've been holding off on this

until we were on solid ground, but I got to ask about

the half a million dollars you took

during our brief separation.

- Careful. - Just hear me out.

Just thinking, now that we've reconciled,

perhaps that money could make its way

back into the, uh, community pool?

- Nah. - Babe,

that amount of cash is clumsy.

You got to be able to hide it.

You got to be judicious of where and how you spend it.

- I know. - Well, at least tell me where it is.

(sighs) No.

- No? - No. That's my "God forbid" money.

- God forbid what? - God forbid something should happen to you.

Nothing's gonna happen to me. And by the way,

what if something happens to you?

Danny, if something's happening,

it's happening to you, and more important,

if you don't know where it is, you can't squeal.

Squeal? Why would I squeal?

Maybe you're being tortured.

You've contemplated me being tortured?

All the time.

I love you.

What?

(shears clipping)

NATHAN: Howdy, neighbor.

Hey.

Let me guess: Sandra's mom.

Good for you.

Well, two beautiful women, there's a definite resemblance.

Thank you.

The checkout girl at Costco thought we were sisters.

I believe it.

- I'm Nathan. - Wendy.

Well, Wendy, you have a lovely day.

I was about to make myself a Bloody Mary.

Oh?

I hate to drink alone.

I'll do it, but I don't like it.

Be right over.

♪ ♪

Why don't you throw that money in the back?

I like holding it. It comforts me.

Do you mind if I, uh...

Oh. Blood sugar in the dumper?

What, do we need to pull over and get you an Egg McMuffin?

- I'm sorry. - What's going on?

I'm paying $25,000 a month to live in a mansion,

and Grandma's more miserable than she was

when we were in Boyle Heights.

Oh, Frank still struggling?

Frank shits himself at the dinner table.

- Oh, God. - He's okay with it.

He thinks it's funny.

There's no dignity in getting old.

That's why I want the widow-maker.

All four ventricles explode during Monday Night Football.

Boom, done, "Hello, Jesus."

Yeah, no, I imagine going in my sleep,

surrounded by loved ones.

And to be honest with you, today,

my loved ones can go fuck themselves.

Sounds like the second honeymoon's over.

- I blame you. - Huh?

You know, you said, "Oh, if you love her, go get her."

Asshole.

By the way, we're a half a million dollars light

on our Super Bowl money.

What? Why?

It's not gone, it exists. It's just not in the fucking bag.

- Yeah, keep talking. - It was part of the separation agreement with Sandra.

So you have a falling-out with your wife,

and it costs me a half a million dollars?

Oh, don't freak out. It's coming out of my end.

You bet your ass it is.

Well, as long as we're talking about accounting,

I donated $10,000 to the Aryan Nation.

Again, it's coming out of my end.

The Aryan Nation?

If you'd been there, you wouldn't hate me.

All right.

Oh, and, uh...

I gave $1,200 to a tow truck driver

with a cancer kazoo and a hook for a hand.

(laughs)

Funny story, he, uh...

Maybe for another time.

HECTOR: All this time, you didn't think to consult with me?

Why do I need to consult with you?

Uh, 'cause we're partners?

I'm the face of this business.

I'm the licensed psychedelic therapist.

You're nothing. We made that up.

It's like saying I'm Thor, god of thunder.

- Don't be a nerd. - (lock clicks)

Voilà.

- Jesus. - Yeah.

I got, like, eight other units just like it.

Enough psilocybin to turn on

every man, woman and labradoodle in Orange County.

How do you know it's safe?

Walt Disney owns the building.

Okay. And what's his cut?

Well, first off, you got to remember,

50% of something is better than 100% of nothing.

So he's a full partner?

Well, he's our connection to Newport Beach,

Huntington Beach, Anaheim.

You know, the parts of California

that wish they were Texas.

What about your brother?

What about him? This is out of his jurisdiction.

All right, so when do I meet Mr. Disney?

Why do you need to meet him?

Oh, I don't know, 'cause he's my new partner?

I'll handle Walt.

- Nice. Nice. - What?

You think I don't see what's happening?

You're pushing me out!

No one's pushing you out!

Need I remind you that without me,

you'd still be selling this shit to biker gangs

and hiding in dumpsters. I made you.

Hell, I'm the one who said you should wear a hat.

I'm not talking to you till you calm down.

Where you going?

- I'm leaving. - How you gonna do that?

We took my car.

Oh. Well, let's go.

Okay.

♪ Yeah, I got that packed up ♪

♪ Like a lunch, it's a problem... ♪

(phone buzzing)

DANNY: Costa Rica?

♪ I ain't giving up... ♪

Hello?

NICK (over phone): Danny Colavito.

Nick Quatrani here.

Okay, Nick. Where's here?

The lovely sun-drenched township

of Tamarindo, Costa Rica.

How'd you get this number?

The same way I know you're driving east

on Wilshire Boulevard.

What can we do for you, Nick?

It's what I could do for you guys.

I'm head of affiliate outreach at Omni Bets,

the premier sports book in Central America,

and that's including Panama, Nicaragua,

- and, any minute now, Honduras. - What?

- You still there? - We're listening.

We are big fans of what you built in Los Angeles

and want you to become part of the Omni affiliate family.

How do you know what we built?

The same way I know your rear right tire

needs a little air.

That's, uh, that's very kind of you, Nick,

but, uh, we're happy working for ourselves right now.

But if anything changes, we'll give you a call.

Okay. When the time is right,

I'd love to fly you guys down here,

wine and dine you, show you the third world

is really the first world when it comes to steaks,

lobster tails, and blow jobs.

Oh, that's the trifecta.

All right, well, you got my number.

Hit me back, boys.

How'd he hack my car?

You're asking me?

I need my 12-year-old

to turn on the fucking TV.

(grunts)

- (chuckles) - That is crazy.

I wanted to join the Peace Corps.

Yeah, right? Bringing clean water

to a small village with huts and whatnot?

- Make a difference. - Yeah. You see,

- that was our generation, right? - Mm-hmm.

Hey, now do me, okay?

- WENDY: Mm, mm-hmm. - NATHAN: Okay. All right.

- Coming at you, kemosabe. - All right, I'm fair-skinned,

so rub it in good.

- Hey, guys. - WENDY: Oh, hi. You know Nathan?

- I do. Hey, Nathan. - Hi, Sandra.

- Hi. How's Helen? - NATHAN: Oh, she's good.

She's a real plow horse.

That's Nathan's wife.

She works downtown. She's gone when I get up.

But she does come home.

I guess.

WENDY: What's this scar? I bet that's got a story.

Oh, just get your shingles vaccine, that's all I'm saying.

Okay, well, I got to open the shop,

so I'll talk to you later.

Thanks for stopping by, Nathan.

Hi to Danny.

Okay.

♪ Will never be the same... ♪

- There you go. - Cheers.

Mmm, you make a good one.

- Mmm. - (both laugh)

Thank you, Greg...

...gory.

GREGORY: While I've got you here,

I should take this opportunity to say it's been a pleasure

working with you, and I wish you continued success.

- You quitting? - GREGORY: I've been let go.

After 28 years, summarily dismissed.

HR finally catch up with you?

- A.I. - DANNY: What?

They can't replace you with a logarithm.

Algorithm. And tell that to the bank's new Korean overlords.

Oh... Damn, man. We're gonna miss you.

Well, uh, perhaps there's a way

we could maintain our relationship.

Sure, sure, we can grab a lunch.

Uh, no. I'm talking about a business relationship.

What kind of business?

Cards on the table?

That's where most cards wind up.

I know what you do, and I believe

I could be of immense help.

What do you think we do?

Cowboys plus three, overs and unders,

lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my.

As I'm sure you know, cash kept in a safety deposit box

shrinks over time.

Pass the honey?

Thank you.

In 1970, in this very diner,

a Denver omelet cost $1.75.

Now it costs $16,

and that doesn't include the dysentery. (laughs oddly)

We get inflation. What's your pitch?

Let me invest your hard-earned dollars

in money market accounts,

munis, savings accounts

in increments so small the IRS remains unaware.

That's a lot of accounts.

Hundreds. That's why you need someone like me

- to manage the portfolio. - And what's your cut?

That's a good question. What do you think is fair?

- Oh... - I hate when people do this.

You go first.

20% of the proceeds.

- Give us a minute. - Certainly.

I had my eye on a cruller.

Pastries are my weakness.

- I would've said Boy Scouts. - What you think?

DANNY: I don't know. It's weird. I wouldn't trust this guy

around a preschool, yet somehow I trust him with our money.

Yeah, me, too. If there's a hustle here, I don't see it.

DANNY: And I'm tired of playing hide-and-go-seek

- with all this cash. - Not to mention

it wouldn't be available every time you piss off your wife.

Yeah, I didn't enjoy that.

All right, let's give it a shot.

- Test run? A million? - Sounds right.

Oh, Gregory.

- Have we arrived at a decision? - We have.

Well start with $1 million, see how it goes.

Lovely.

(Gregory groans)

(bottle spurts)

(bottle cap snaps shut)

N-Nothing personal.

I have a compromised immune system.

(laughs oddly)

(clears throat)

(drawer slides open)

- (drawer slides closed) - (sighs)

- Hey. - Oh. Hey.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Oh, I-I, uh, I was just

visiting your mother-in-law.

- At midnight? - Is it that late? Really?

Oh, God.

- Please don't tell me... - What? That my heart is singing?

Nate, come on,

you're putting Sandra and I

in a very awkward position.

Look, I'm sorry, but you got to understand,

my wife hasn't touched me in, like, two years.

- (scoffs) - And I didn't even care

- until Wendy came along. - (laughs)

She opened up something inside me

- that I never knew existed. - (groans)

So, can I trust you to keep this under wraps?

You know, at least until Wendy and I

decide what our next move is.

- Next move? What? - Hey.

This is not a one-night stand.

This is my last shot at happiness.

- (groans) - So, we're good?

What choice do I have?

Thank you.

- Oh, thank you. - (groans)

Oh, and I love what you've done

with the vines along the side wall there.

- It's like Tuscany. - Go away.

(door opens)

- Are you aware... - Yes.

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

What can I do? They're two consenting adults.

They're two consenting assholes, that's what they are.

Your mother brought her trailer park rules

to our quiet little cul-de-sac.

It's not technically a cul-de-sac. There's...

Focus on the fucking.

I'll talk to her.

Thank you.

Oh, and by the way,

this stupid potato head thinks

he's gonna start a new life with your mother.

- Oh... - No "oh."

Helen and Nate have been married for 30 years.

We went to their anniversary party at Outback.

I don't know what to tell you, Danny.

People change, people grow.

Well, nobody's changing or growing in this house.

Thank you.

- (door closes) - (sighs)

We gotta talk about my partner.

Okay, what about him?

High-end psychedelic therapy was his idea.

So did you sign any paperwork with him?

Nah, it was hippie handshake.

Oh, great. Then we can fuck him.

I don't want to fuck him.

Well, then, so... why isn't he here?

Uh-huh. So we're agreed. We're gonna fuck him.

Oh, hey, try these shrimp.

They're free range.

Yeah, that's a nice, big fatty right there.

I have it flown in daily from Edmonton.

(hip-hop music playing)

(engine shuts off)

Still feel good about this?

Yeah, why? You having second thoughts?

Hundred bank accounts up and down the state,

it's so boring it's got to be legit.

Then why'd you ask me if I still feel good about it?

'Cause I cherish your opinion, Ray.

If that's not the house of a guy who lives with his mother,

I'm out of the human being business.

Welcome.

- Hey. - Sweet crib.

Thank you. Come on in.

(respirator hissing)

(door closes)

This is my mother, Britta.

Mom, this is Danny, Ray.

- Nice to meet you. - Hi.

I'll be back to turn you later.

Kitchen?

Lookin' good.

Have a seat.

I took the liberty of outlining

where all your investments are being placed.

As you can see, we are dispersing your money

among 30 Bank of Americas,

35 Citibanks and 35 Wells Fargos.

Whose names are on these accounts?

Excellent question. I set up a shell corporation

of which we are both signatories and equal shareholders.

Which means?

Only you can access these funds.

Any other questions?

We have another half a million in the car.

Why don't we throw that in?

Oh, my.

That means I need to find 50 more banks.

- Is that a problem? - I will make it work.

Let me go get the other bag and we'll get out of your hair.

Yeah, sorry about your mom.

I got a similar medical situation going on in my house.

My greatest regret is taking her to the opera during COVID.

Come here.

Anything goes sideways, we know where you live.

I understand.

Or as your people might say, "capisce."

(indistinct dialogue from TV)

(pounding at door)

Fuck.

(pounding)

Where is that cunt?

DANNY: Hey, Helen.

- HELEN: Where is she? - SANDRA: What's going on?

Your fucking mother is what's going on.

Ugh, hang on.

- (sighs) - I love your jacket.

Where is she?

She ran out back and took my bike.

(engine shuts off)

(dance music playing faintly)

(approaching footsteps)

What?

Jesus.

- What?! - We need to talk.

- Who are you? - I'm Hector.

I'm gonna need a little bit more.

Your partner?

(gasps) Oh.

All right, all right, yeah, come on in.

Uh...

There's, uh, deep dish pizza in the kitchen,

help yourself.

I just got to get these rosary beads out of my ass

and then we'll, uh, talk turkey.

Did you hear from your mother?

- You mean the cunt? - Hey.

That is not a word for you. And no.

(gunfire)

Is that a car backfiring?

Seriously? What, did Mr. Magoo just drive by?

- Why don't you go look? - Why don't you go look?

Because I'm not the man of the house.

(grumbles) We're all equal

until there's gunplay.

Wh-- (sighs)

(dog barks in distance)

(doorbell rings)

Hi, Danny.

Hey, Helen.

What you got there?

...38 Special.

Nathan bought it during that spate

of burglaries in the neighborhood.

Smart.

Uh, speaking of Nathan, is he, uh...

Dead? Oh, yes.

Okay...

Can you put that down?

I don't need it anymore.

Sorry about the scene I made at your place.

Oh, it's okay. You were upset.

- Mind if I call the police? - I already did!

Oh, terrific, all right, um...

I'll leave you to it.

(exhales)

(gunshot)

Fuck. Fuck!

(Carl humming "Pomp and Circumstance")

(humming)

(Helen screams)

No! Oh, my God!

- The fuck? - Oh, my God, Nathan!

Nathan! Oh, my God!

That's the wife.

Nathan!

There you go.

Of course they sent you.

You prick. What are you doing here?

I live next door.

Oh, yeah, the dead Russians.

Hey, who's the broad?

- Eh, my fuckin' mother-in-law. - Oh, boy.

You like this neighborhood?

Eh, up until recently.

The wife and I are looking to buy in the Valley.

I bet we'd get a good deal on a murder-suicide house.

Yeah, too soon for jokes, Carl.

Hey, who's joking?

We could be neighbors.

The bookie and the cop?

We could pitch it as a sitcom.

What? It writes itself.

(plane engine whirring)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Welcome aboard.

- Champagne? - Thank you.

May I stow your bag for you?

No.

(laughs oddly)

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I love Jimmy Luxury ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Hey, hey, lada dada I'll see you tomorrow. ♪