Original subtitles

something else we have in common flying

on the

airlines flying on the Airlines and

listening to the airlines

announcements and trying to pretend to

ourselves that that's the way the

English language ought to be spoken

doesn't sound that way to me whole thing

starts when you get to the gate first

announcement we would like to begin the

boarding

process extra word process not necessary

boarding is enough we'd like to begin

the boarding simple tells the story

people add extra words when they want

things to sound more important than they

really are boarding process sounds

important it

isn't it's just a bunch of people

getting on an

airplane people like to sound important

weathermen on television talk about

shower

activity sounds more important than

showers I haven heard one guy on CNN

talk about a rain event

swear to God he said Louisiana's

expecting a rain event I thought holy

[ __ ] I hope I can get tickets to

that emergency situation news people

like to say police have responded to an

emergency situation no they haven't

they've responded to an emergency we

know it's a

situation everything is a

situation anyway as part of this

boarding process they say we would like

to

pre-board what exactly is that what does

it mean to pre-board you get on before

you get

on that's another complaint of mine too

much use of this prefix pre it's all

over the language now pre this pre that

place the turkey in a preheated oven

it's ridiculous there are only two

states an oven can possibly exist in

heated or

unheated preheated is a meaningless

[ __ ]

term it's like pre-recorded this program

was pre-recorded well of course it was

pre-recorded when else you going to

record it

afterwards that's the whole principle of

recording to do it

beforehand otherwise it doesn't really

work does

[Applause]

it pre-qualify pre-plan pre-screen you

know what I tell these people pre suck

my genital

situation and they see seem to

understand what I'm talking

about anyway as part of this

pre-boarding they say we would like to

pre-board those passengers traveling

with small children well what about

those passengers traveling with large

children suppose you have a 2-year-old

with a pituitary

disorder you know a six-foot infant with

an oversized head the kind of kids you

see in the National Inquirer all the

time actually with a kid like that I

think you better off checking them right

in with your luggage at the curb don't

you well they like it under there it's

dark they're used to that about this

time someone is telling you to get on

the plane get on the plane get on the

plane I say [ __ ] you I'm getting in the

plane let evil Canal get on the

plane I'll be in here with you folks in

uniform there seems to be less wind in

here

they might tell you you're on a non-stop

flight I don't think I care for

that no I insist that my flight

stop preferably at an

airport it's those sudden unscheduled

cornfield and Housing Development stops

that seem to interrupt the flow of my

day

here's one they just made up near

miss when two planes almost Collide they

call it a near Miss it's a near

hit a collision is a near

Miss look they nearly missed

yes but not

quite they might tell you your flight

has been delayed because of a change of

equipment broken

plane you tell me to put my seat back

forward well I don't bend that way if I

can put my seat back forward I'd be in

porno movies

then they mentioned carryon luggage

first time I heard carryon I thought

they were going to bring a dead deer on

board I thought what the hell do they

need with that don't they have the

little TV dinners anymore then I thought

carry on carry on there's going to be a

party people are going to be carrying on

on the plane well I don't care for that

I like a serious attitude on the plane

especially on the flight deck which is

the latest euphemism for

cockpit can't imagine why they wouldn't

want to use a lovely word like cockpit

can you especially with all those

stewardesses going in and out of it all

the

time there's a word that's changed

stewardess first it was Hostess then

stewardess now it's flight attendant you

know what I call her the lady on the

plane sometimes it's a man on the plane

now that's good equality I'm all in

favor of that occasionally they actually

refer to these people as uniformed crew

members uniformed as opposed to that guy

sitting next to you in the Grateful Dead

t-shirt and the [ __ ] you

hat who's working on his ninth little

bottle of Kala I might

add as soon as they close the door to

the aircraft that's when they begin the

safety lecture I love the safety lecture

this is my favorite part of the plane

ride I listen very carefully to the

safety lecture especially that part

where they teach us how to use the seat

belt imagine this here we are a Plane

full of grown human beings many of us

partially

educated and they're actually taking

time out to describe the intricate

workings of a belt

buckle place the small metal flap into

the

Buckle well I ask for clarification at

that

point pardon me over here please thank

you very much did I hear you correctly

did you say place the small metal flap

into the Buckle or place the Buckle over

and around the small metal flap I am a

simple man and did not possess an

engineering degree nor am I mechanically

inclined sorry to have taken up so much

of your time please continue with the

wonderful safety

lecture seat belts high tech

[ __ ] the next thing they do they tell

you to locate your nearest emergency

exit I do this

[Applause]

immediately I locate my nearest

emergency exit and then I plan my route

you have to plan your route it's not

always a straight line is it sometimes

there's a really big fat [ __ ] sitting

right in front of

you well you know you'll never get over

him I look around for women and children

midgets and dwarfs cripples War widows

Paralyzed Veterans people with broken

legs anyone who looks like they can't

move too well the emotionally disturbed

come in very handy at a time like this

you may have to go out of your way to

find these people but you'll get out of

the plane a lot goddamn quicker believe

me I say let's see I'll go around the

fat [ __ ] step on the Widow's head push

those children out of the way knock down

the paralyzed

[ __ ] and get out of the plane where I

can help others

I can be of no help to anyone if I'm

lying unconscious in the aisle with some

big [ __ ] standing on my

neck I must get out of the plane go to a

nearby Farmhouse have a Dr Pepper and

call the

police the safety lecture continues

in the unlikely

event this is a very suspect phrase

especially coming as it does from an

industry that is willing to lie about

arrival and departure

times and the unlikely event of a sudden

change in cabin pressure roof flies

[Applause]

off an oxygen mask will drop down in

front of you place the mask over your

face and breathe

normally well I have no problem with

that I always breathe normally when I'm

in a 600 mph uncontrolled vertical

dive I also [ __ ]

normally right in my

[Applause]

pants they tell you to adjust your

oxygen mask before helping your child

with his

I did not need to be told

that in fact I'm probably going to be

too busy screaming to help him at off

this will be a good time for him to

learn

self-reliance if he can program is

[ __ ]

VCR he can goddamn Jolly well learn to

adjust an oxygen

mask fairly simple thing just a little

rubber band in the back is all it is not

nearly as complicated as say for

instance a seat belt

the safety lecture

continues and the unlikely

event of a water

[Applause]

landing well what exactly

is a water

landing am I mistaken or does this sound

somewhat similar to crashing into the

ocean

your seat cushion can be used as a

flotation

device my seat cushion imagine that just

what I need to float around the North

Atlantic for several

days clinging to a pillow full of beer

farts

[Applause]

the flight

continues a little later on we

hear the captain has turned on the

fastened seat belt

sign well who gives a [ __ ] who turned it

on what does that have to do with

anything it's on isn't

it and who made this man a

captain might I ask did I sleep through

some sort of an armed forces swearing in

ceremony or something Captain he's a

[ __ ] pilot and let him be happy with

that if those sightseeing announcements

he's making are any Mark of his

intellect he's lucky to be working at

all tell the captain air marshall Carlin

says go [ __ ]

yourself the next s say here is full of

things that piss me

off before leaving the aircraft please

check around your immediate seating area

for any personal belongings you might

have brought on

board well let's start with immediate

seating

area

seat it's a goddamn

seat check around your seat

for any personal

belongings well what other kinds of

belongings are there besides

personal public

belongings do these people honestly

think I might be traveling with a

fountain I stole from the

park you might have brought on

board

well I might have brought my Arrowhead

collection

I didn't so I'm not going to look for

it I am going to look for things I

brought on board would seem to enhance

the likelihood of my finding something

wouldn't you

say they tell me to return my seat back

and trade table to their original

upright positions fine who's going to

return this guy in The Grateful Dead

t-shirt and the [ __ ] you hat to his

original upright

position about this time they tell you

you'll be landing shortly

that sound to you like we're going to

miss the

runway Final Approach is not very

promising either is it final is not a

good word to be using on an

airplane sometimes the pilot will get on

you'll say we'll be on the ground in 15

minutes well that's a little vague isn't

it now we're taxiing in she says Welcome

to our hair International

Airport well how can someone who is just

arriving herself possibly welcome me to

a place she isn't even at

yet doesn't this violate something in

physics we're only on the ground for

seconds she's coming on like the [ __ ]

mayor's

wife we're the local

time but of course it's the local time

what do you think we were expecting the

time in Pango

Pango enjoy your stay in Chicago or

wherever your final destination might

be all destinations are final that's

what it means Destiny final if you

haven't gotten where you're going you

aren't there yet

the captain has

asked more [ __ ] from the bogus

Captain you know for someone who's

supposed to be flying an airplane he's

taking a mighty big interest in what I'm

doing back

here that you remain seated until he has

brought the aircraft to a complete

stop not a partial stop cuz during a

partial stop I partially get up

please continue to observe the no

smoking sign until well inside the

terminal it's physically impossible to

observe the no smoking sign even if

you're just outside the door of the

airplane much less well inside the

terminal you can't even see the [ __ ]

planes from well inside the

terminal which brings

me to turn

terminal another unfortunate word to be

used in association with air travel and

they use it all over the airport don't

they somehow I just can't get hungry at

a place called The Terminal snack

bar but if you've ever eaten there you

know it is an appropriate