Original subtitles

♪ If you're lookin' for me ♪

♪ You'd better check Under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is Where you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the Sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab At the bottom of the sea ♪♪

[SIGHS]

God! Aah!

I am so sick of this crap tank!

Man...

Day in, day out,

same old metal walls,

same old glass, two feet thick,

keeping the same old stupid water pressure

from crushing us like fleas.

I need a change!

I don't think your hair can take another perm, Skip.

Nor do I,

but I'm talking about feng shui,

the ancient Chinese study

of harmony with one's surroundings.

Oh, yeah. I've...

So I've hired the best feng shui guy in the business

to come down here

and get my yin and yang in balance,

because I friggin' love harmony!

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

I've got to up his saltpeter dosage.

CAPTAIN: Welcome to Sealab, Master Loo.

Right. Yeah.

This place is a dump.

That's why we're gonna re-do the whole place.

The bridge, the reactor...

Ho, ho, ho.

Wait, wait, wait.

I know you're excited,

but, you know, fong shoy

costs, like, ungodly amounts of money,

all right?

Whatever.

It's all taxpayer money.

Uh, so go nuts.

Pad the hell out of it.

Yeah, well, don't worry about that.

First up,

my crapper.

That's where I really focus a lot on my chi.

Do not mess with me.

Okay.

[WATER TRICKLING]

Loo, I'm...

I'm speechless.

Yeah, you know,

a $50,000, uh, toilet will do that.

You know that's how much that costs,

right? Mm-hmm.

I mean, just so we're clear

before we rip out the cafeteria.

I'll, uh... I'll catch up.

Uh, I've got to get, uh, something, uh...

down on paper.

Oh, you've got to get...

Uh, I gotcha. Bathroom humor.

That's great.

You know any funny stuff about farts?

Yeah.

LOO: Oh, yeah, man, it's a gold mine.

Insane amounts of money.

No, man, he thinks I invented fong shoy.

Do you believe that?

He's, like, Captain Trusting.

Oh, yeah, you got a pen?

Here's his social.

[SAWING, HAMMERING]

[DRILLING]

Hey, what's going on out there?

Oh, Murphy hired a feng shui dude

to redecorate the joint.

Feng shui? That's not in the budget.

How we paying for all this?

Selling pot...

holders.

Made of hemp.

CAPTAIN: Yeah, so she goes, "Sixty-nine?

You mean you want beef with broccoli?"

[LAUGHING] [CHUCKLING]

Yeah.

Sexist and racist. Wow. Two in one.

You... You have a gift.

Yeah, yeah, I got a ton of those. So...

So hey, uh... what am I eating here, anyway?

Korean.

For starters, musangchae,

then bibimbap with a kochujang pepper sauce,

and this little guy over here

is a side of kimchi.

No kidding.

Yeah, uh, kim, uh...

Kimchi.

Uh, chi...

Kimchi dates back, like, a... a...

like, I think, like, a thousand years,

to the, uh...

Ding Dong Dynasty.

Oh. Oh, sure. The Ding Dongs.

Say, let's put some wind chimes up around here.

What do you say? Murphy, listen to me.

You live in an airtight capsule.

How can a wind chime work without wind?

Is there nothing we can't learn when we look to the East?

Hi.

Dude, that's why we're selling you the golden fans.

To generate the wind.

Yo, Marco.

This Master Loo guy.

Anybody check him out?

Stingray softly sleeps.

My probing will not wake him.

Sweet dreams, little one.

[SQUEAKING]

What? Haiku, baby!

I bought Master Loo's best-selling book.

Only $99.95.

Wait a minute. Okay.

Ahh.

Oh.

Oh, here we go.

I poke, poke his face,

and yet he still ignores me.

Poke,

poke, poke,

poke,

poke.

LOO: This is crap.

I don't know who put these tubes here,

but they've got to go, okay?

You need rocks

and wood and leaves and...

Hmm...

You know.

I think we need those.

And that, captain,

is how these "vaporators"

make breathable air from seawater.

Any questions?

Yes.

Can I borrow your pick?

No.

Nope. Guess not.

Rip them out.

Dig it.

QUINN: I'm gonna find out about this Master Loo.

Boy, I tell you, I don't trust that boy

as far as I can throw him.

I'm gonna find out what's going on here.

Master Loo can't fool me. Interpol.

Yeah, hi.

I need you to run a background check

on a "Master Loo," which may be an alias.

I'll just type that in.

[TYPING]

How did you hear about us?

My mom.

Yeah. Let's see.

He's wanted for fraud, theft by fraud, and...

Oh, murder. I knew it.

Will you be needing anything else today,

sir or ma'am? No, thank you.

Would you like to take advantage

of Wiretap Wednesdays?

No, no, thank you.

No. Thank you.

Check out this bitchen shuriken Master Loo sold me.

Only 100 bucks.

I got nunchaku.

What'd did you get?

Uh...

this crappy-ass bird.

[LAUGHING]

Loser. Dude!

That's so sorry.

And this ceremonial katana...

[WHOOSHING]

With tanto!

Hey.

Where's Master Loo?

Whoa, whoa. Take your shoes off.

Don't disrespect our dojo, dude.

Shut up.

Master Loo... is an impostor.

[LAUGHTER]

Dude, you're an idiot.

[CHUCKLING]

Good call on the bamboo, Loo.

Feels good, huh?

Now let's put a Zen garden in the Tank Room.

[LAUGHING]

I feel kind of... light-headed.

Yeah.

You want to totally ride that feeling,

because I'm stoked about this decision.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, man, hey.

You know, someone had told me

that you're famous.

Yeah?

So can I get your autograph?

[LAUGHING]

All right!

[LAUGHING]

Dude...

Listen to me, people.

He's swindled Sealab out of millions!

What if our whole world

was like, uh, a giant video game?

DEBBIE: Hyah!

Ow!

Give me back my chips!

Hey!

The vaporators have stopped working!

[CHUCKLING] Nitrogen narcosis!

Nitrogen narcosis is... potentially fatal!

[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER]

And the reactor's off-line.

Hey, get Hesh on two.

Hurry up, Sparks.

All right, Officer Buzzkill.

Bridge to Reactor.

Hesh, come in.

Hai!

[LAUGHING] What the hell are you doing?

Master Loo ripped out all the electronics,

and turned the Reactor Room into a Japanese bath house.

And forced you

to dress like a geisha.

Uh, no. That was my idea.

Why don't you come on down?

I'll give you a body shampoo.

Happy Ending!

[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

No vaporators and no reactor?

We're doomed!

Dude!

Oh, man. That's great.

Shut up.

To the Tank Room.

We can put on the scuba gear!

This feng shui stuff is great.

Look, I've got to, uh... I've got to skate,

and you're totally out of money, right?

Mm-hmm.

So, uh, how do I get out?

Where there's not water?

QUINN: Hold it right there, Loo.

Interpol told me all about you.

God, those guys, like, totally hate me.

Hey, uh, if you remember,

what did they tell you about, uh... This?!

Motherf...

Holy bejesus!

Away!

You see this?

You see how my body's glowing like that?

Yeah, a lot of people can't do that.

Come get some of this glowing.

No.

Okay, Master Loo!

Come and get a shot of Vitamin M!

Hee-yah!

Oh, okay. You want... you want some.

You want some of the glowing.

Look, man, your soul,

I'm going to totally chew on it

and floss with your spirit.

I read that somewhere,

but I'll do it.

Oh yeah, gringo?

Well, I'm just gonna plain kick your ass.

Hee-yah!

[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING]

Face hit! Face hit!

This game is stupid.

You spend an hour hanging wind chimes, then you fight?

What kind of game is that? Somersault.

Back kick! Kick to the back of the head!

That's right, Marco!

Hit him in the face again. Time out.

Time out.

My joystick, it's not working. Face hit.

Would you quit it?

Look at that! Look at that!

Look how bad I'm beating you!

I slept wrong on my wrist two weeks ago,

and it's unfair that you're making me play with my hand.

Have you no shame?

Get your dead ass up and fight me!

Meatwad, for... for real.

Can we just time out for a minute, please?

No, you're dead,

and I'm gonna desecrate your corpse.

You know what?

Video games are forbidden.

From now on. I'm not kidding.

That's right. Get out of here.

This is the balloon stage.

I'm solo on this.

Bonus pretzel!

What did I just tell you?

Uh-oh.

Wait. Don't.

Here's your joystick.

I raked leaves all summer to get this game.

Well, it's broken now, and guess what.

I'm gonna go break everything in your room...

Don't you dare do that!

Because you have been very disobedient.

70-30? Is this yours?

That's not mine.

Because it's gone.

You're breaking

somebody else's thing there.

It's cheap-looking and it's out of here.

What kind of crap is this?

Did an elephant paint this?