Original subtitles

♪ If you're lookin' for me ♪

♪ You'd better check Under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is Where you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the Sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab At the bottom of the sea ♪♪

Man, this is relaxing.

Don't go on duty for three hours.

Mm-mm!

[HUMMING]

Wait till Dr. Quinn sees this.

Ahh.

Three whole hours.

♪ Gonna show Quinn This thing in my hand ♪

♪ Doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo ♪

♪ Gonna show Quinn This thing that I got ♪

Ahh.

Yes.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Quinn!

Check this out, guy!

[POWERS UP]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Stormy, is that a hair dryer?

Man, be careful.

What?

I can't hear you!

This awesome new hair dryer is way too loud!

Hey, idiot!

That's really dangerous!

Yeah, it's got a diffuser.

It's pro grade, dude.

Get away from here!

I'm in a pool...

of water!

Can't you see that?

Oh, yeah! You can see it!

No, no, no! No! Here!

Don't!

[ZAPPING]

[MOANING]

Quinn?

Quinner?

[GARBLED SOUND]

[GARBLED SOUND]

[ECHOING]

[WHOOSHING]

[BUZZING]

[ECHOING] Wake up.

[BUZZING]

Wake up.

Wake up.

Hey, wake up.

QUINN: What?

Well,

why won't you, you know...

God!

Could you just let it go?

Well, you drink tea.

So?

So why won't you kiss me there?

Oh, that's it!

I'm sleeping on the...

[GLASS BREAKING]

Oh!

Where's the light?

[CLICK]

Not that you care,

but I have to be at work

in three hours.

Jerk!

Oh!

Ha ha!

No fish can withstand the terrifying might

of my powerful spear gun,

so capably wielded.

Here we go.

Hey, man.

What the...

Listen, here's the deal.

You're... You're talking?

How about you let me go?

I've got to be at work in three hours.

I'll be rich.

Come on, let me go. I'll grant you a wish.

No way.

I'm gonna sell you to Ocean Land

for about a zillion bucks.

Well, then, this is the part where I do...

this!

[DISTANT VOICES OVER RADIO]

CAPTAIN: Did they tell you why, Marco?

Why they want to terminate my command?

They told me you had gone totally insane, sir,

and that your methods were... unsound.

Are my methods... unsound?

I don't see any method... at all, sir.

CAPTAIN: Are you an assassin?

I'm a soldier, sir.

You're neither.

You're an errand boy,

sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill,

so wet willie for you!

[SQUISHING]

[MARCO LAUGHING]

Hey, cut it out!

I swallowed a bug.

Holy crap!

Hey, man, do you know there's toxic waste,

like, right over there?

Ugh.

Humans and their filthy, ravenous machines,

spewing out vile toxins.

Might even be radioactive.

I think we ought to get everybody out of...

Did you know that the average fish today

contains more mercury than a rectal thermometer?

Yeah,

I think I read that someplace.

Would you eat a rectal thermometer?

Answer me, damn you!

Uh... no.

Well, I would.

Hey!

Ah, mercury,

sweetest of the transition metals.

QUINN: Hey! Ass!

I got to be at work in three hours!

Do you hear me? I have to be at...

Hey. Chubby Cox.

I beg your pardon?

Stinky Pete's the name, Chubby.

I'm your...

your what-do-you-call-it...

your foil in this little picture.

I was just a talking fish.

Well, I didn't see you in that one,

but I bet you were just boffo in it.

I have got to get out of here.

Don't worry, kid. You're going places.

Chubby Cox is gonna be a household name

one of these days.

Maybe this will work.

Hey, kid, what is with the fire?

What are you, whacked out on goofballs?

Shut up!

This will work! This will work!

This will work.

This will work.

What... What the...

Don't worry, Quinn.

Stinky Pete?

I've seen this on TV about a jillion times.

What? What?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?

Reviving you!

No, no, no! Wait! I'm... Clear!

[ZAPPING]

Oh! Oh. Oh...

Oh, it's beautiful, man. Freaking beautiful!

QUINN: Here comes a song.

[♪♪♪]

That's it. Now, let's have some of that beautiful fat,

you little Christmas ham.

Who's fatter than you?

Nobody!

Now, I want you to really

poke that fat, little belly out.

Oh!

That is hot, fat stuff.

That's a big cup of hot fat.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's hot, baby.

I just want to pinch your fat.

I just want to jiggle your fat, little belly

and squeeze

your fat, little fat face.

Mm!

God, you're fat!

[GARBLED SPEECH]

ROSE: Oh, cool!

A date with Chubby Cox!

OLIVER: Chubby Cox?

What's so big about Chubby Cox?

I hate Chubby Cox.

I wouldn't touch Chubby Cox with a 10-inch pole.

Don't you see

what Chubby Cox can do for us?

I lure Chubby Cox down here,

then we hold Chubby Cox for ransom!

Brilliant!

Chubby Cox has the number one show on TV.

Yeah.

All Up in It with Chubby Cox.

Hollywood'll pay millions

for their precious, little Chubby Cox.

Take a letter.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Dear, sweet Chubby Cox...

You should go out with me because I live down in Sealab.

We'll have ever so much fun.

We'll go swimming with our pet seal, Stinky Pete.

I'm gonna get you, Stinky Pete!

Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

Oh, crap on a crap cracker!

Safe-ah!

Stinky!

Stinky Pete!

That's me.

Ha, cha-cha-cha,

cha-cha-cha-cha!

Delicious.

Oh, what a riot.

That big, dumb shark

is never gonna catch Stinky Pete.

[LAUGHING]

[PASSES GAS]

I farted!

Oh, I passed gas!

Oh, that one ripped...

[LOUD BANG]

[POP]

Ha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

Delicious.

[GARBLED SPEECH]

Oh, hey. My head's back... on me.

[LAUGHING] Hey, Carl!

You see that?

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

No.

Uh... hey!

You wanna drive your go-kart around?

Nah. One tire's kind of flat.

I got a pump.

Huh?

Pumpy.

No.

Well, what do you want to do?

Ooh, buh-nah... I don't know, man.

Watch TV?

Hesh can watch TV at my house!

So go home. I am gonna watch TV.

Hey. We gonna ride Carl's go-kart?

No. Big, fat, stupid jerk.

Oh, then let's play the hammer game.

Yay!

The hammer game! Yay!

Kill it! Kill it!

Come on, make it dead!

Do it! Come on! Keep it coming! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! You like it!

Don't stop for nothing!

Yeah! Go for it!

Dead! Dead! Dead!

Dead-dead...

or alive?

Quinn, what's the deal here?

[GROANING]

I knew you were alive.

Stop trying to fake me out, dude.

You ass!

Totally jerk league.

You never throw elec...

Wait! You've got to check out

this bitchen homemade Tesla coil!

Stormy, stop!

Are you that stupid?

[SEALAB THEME PLAYING]

[SPLASHES]

[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING, QUINN MOANING]

[MOANING STOPS]

Hi. I'm Brett Butler.

You probably know me as Dr. Quinn,

from TV's Sealab 2021.

Now, I didn't get this rich by being stupid.

I would never do something

like you saw in tonight's episode.

Electricity and water just do not mix,

so be a winner like Quinner and don't play with electricity.

Right, ladies?

Yeah, that's right.

QUINN: All right.

Yeah, a little harder, please.

A little hard... Not that hard.

Not that hard. Not that hard!