Original subtitles

♪ If you're lookin' for me ♪

♪ You'd better check Under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where You'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab At the bottom of the sea ♪♪

Ah. Emergency.

[GROANING]

Sparks, sound the alarm.

[ALARM WAILING]

To the battle stations.

The crew is battle-ready, sir.

All right.

Who did it?

You'll stay in those battle stations

all day and all night,

until I find out who did it.

Uh, gonna need some details, Skip.

Don't play dumb with me.

Some thief stole the one thing that brings me joy,

my one ray of sunshine in this crappy rust bucket...

My HappyCake oven.

Now...

Who did it?

Was it you?

Uh-uh.

I know you're not looking at me.

You tell him, sister.

I'm not your sister, dumb-ass.

Oh, no, she didn't.

[CREW ARGUING]

Okay, the crew is not gonna take this, Skip.

It's like, remember the Caine mutiny?

Caine mutiny?

I love Michael Caine.

[IMITATING MICHAEL CAINE] Good night,

you princes of Sealab, you kings of the ocean.

Oh, not again with this...

People are always asking me, "What's it all about, Alfie?"

Santa Maria.

Again with that oven.

Captain, you cannot punish the crew

like this.

They will mutiny.

I'll slaughter them like a wolf among lambs.

The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies.

Take it easy, there, Tamburlaine...

Sir.

Yes, calm down.

I'll see what I can do about finding

your little... toy.

It's not a toy.

It makes real cupcakes,

with a 40-watt bulb,

and there's icing packets.

But the secret ingredient is love.

Damn it.

Just try to calm down. Go have some pudding.

Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me.

It...

but it'll help.

Sparks, any idea what happened to this, um,

HappyCake oven thing?

Uh, yeah.

I stole it and dumped it out in the ocean.

What? Why did you do that?

Just part of a larger plan to drive him insane.

Oh, I also have the orphans, uh,

wet his bed while he's asleep.

Have to hide my dirty sheets.

Oh, Michael Caine would be so ashamed of me.

[GROANING WITH DISGUST]

What kind of madman are you?

Oh, you know, the regular kind.

World domination... the usual.

I even got a secret mountain stronghold.

You do not.

I do too.

Check this out, smart guy.

[IN DEEP VOICE] Attention, henchmen.

This is...

Overlord.

GROUP: All hail the Overlord.

All hail the Overlord.

Man, that kills me.

[NORMAL VOICE] So, um, how's the...

[CLEARS THROAT]

[DEEP VOICE] How's the construction coming, Gene?

The killer bees you wanted?

The ones as big as cats?

Well, they're ready, but the...

SPARKS [AS OVERLORD]: But what?

But the parts still haven't come in for the freeze ray.

I... I'm so sorry, Overlord. I'm so sorry.

You're sorry?

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

I'll show you sorry.

[THUD]

Now, you people get back to work.

This ain't no union shop.

GROUP: All hail the Overlord.

All hail the Over... [CLICK]

So looks like I'm in the market for a new foreman.

What do you say there, bub?

What kind of benefits are we talking about?

Hypothetically.

Uh, you gotta talk with Henchman Resources on that.

It's, uh, not my department.

But you will get a helmet and jumpsuit.

Oh, yeah, and, uh, metal teeth.

Hmm.

[CHOMPING]

That helmet makes me look like Ralph.

You know, the motorcycle mouse.

How about a beret?

Yeah, I could do a beret.

You're lucky.

A lot of guys can't.

CAPTAIN: Well, I've looked everywhere,

and my oven?

Not on Sealab.

Did you check where you hide your dirty sheets?

CAPTAIN: Stormy knows my filthy secret.

I have to eliminate him.

Now, what would Oscar-winner Michael Caine do?

Okay.

It's gotta be outside.

Now, somebody has to go out there and get it.

But, captain, the scanners have picked up

a giant killer squid in sector two.

Yeah, it's a suicide mission.

Suicide mission?

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Oh. Yeah, so, get out there, Stormy.

But, captain,

that giant squid ain't playing around out there.

You just bought yourself a ticket, smart guy.

But it's a suicide mission.

Yeah, so, take, uh, this Frenchman here.

Oh, poop.

SPARKY: Because Marco has henchman skills, Hesh.

You, on the other hand...

But I want to be a henchman too.

Hesh wants metal teeth.

Hesh'll bite anything.

He'll bite that.

He'll bite this.

Don't bite the main circuit, Hesh.

[SCREAMING]

[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Oh, my God! It hurts bad!

His heart's in the right place, but his head is up his...

So are you married to orange

for those jumpsuits, or what?

Because I'd really like to wear blue

for a change.

Sparks, get me the Hunley

on the-the-the thingy there. Hurry.

The thing is, I already bought,

like, 5000 orange ones.

Because when I wear blue, I am like the wind.

A hot Latin wind, whistling down...

Look, man.

It's a uniform. Everybody looks the same.

It's more terrifying that way.

Could my pants at least

have a boot cut?

I'll pay for it.

Shut up.

Get me the Hunley this instant.

All right, already.

Jeez...

Dr. Quinn,

have you found my oven?

And, uh, oh, uh, is Stormy dead yet?

No oven yet, sir.

But the sonar's detected

a big-ass life form,

and I think it's that giant killer squid.

Yeah, that looks like the squid to me.

Really?

I don't see it.

It's the squid-shaped thing.

Oh, yeah... with the tentacles.

Si, capitán.

Nope... Don't see it.

Plus, whatever it was, it's gone.

Now, you people find that oven,

or die trying.

You hear that, Stormy?

Die.

That idiot Murphy's gonna get us killed.

Yeah, man.

And what's the deal with this French guy?

I think he's just here for atmosphere.

[SPEAKING IN THICK ACCENT]

What is he gibbering about?

I don't know. It's French. It's crap.

[FRENCHMAN CONTINUES]

Hey! Shut your fry-hole!

Oh, poop.

Yo, yo, yo. Check that out.

It's that stupid oven.

Well, grab it.

If this sonar reading is correct, then we're...

Oh, my God!

Giant squid. Giant squid.

Hey, he's right.

It's not attacking.

The big guy's just a little curious.

STORMY: Yeah, I guess.

But let's see what happens

when I do... this.

[SQUID GROWLING]

QUINN: You dumb-ass.

Man, get us out of here.

Sealab,

Mayday.

He's gonna kill us. Game over, man. Game over.

Stormy, get ahold of yourself.

Now, use the pincer, and grab the squid's tentacle.

And, oh, yeah, and tell him... Tell him to cough.

[CHUCKLES]

I said, tentacle.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'll grab a handful of something.

STORMY: It's not working!

He's... He's tearing us to pieces.

Wait. He wants the oven.

If we just

give him the oven...

No. You are expendable.

That oven is not.

Retrieve it at all costs.

CREW: Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa.

Whaa! What was that?

The hull's cracking.

For God's sake, captain.

If it cracks, we'll implode.

No.

I must have my delicious cupcakes,

my sweet, cakey treasures,

piping hot from their 40-watt womb.

Oh, that tears it.

How many times do I have to hear the word womb today?

Stormy,

do you see the off button

on the oven?

Press it with the pincer.

Oh, okay... I'll try it.

STORMY: Hey, it worked! We're saved.

The squid is bugging out,

and the Hunley

is heading home.

CAPTAIN: With my HappyCake oven.

And I am gonna go welcome her home.

Sniff you jerks later.

So you rigged the off button

with a teargas grenade?

Ho, ho, ho. You magnificent bastard.

Oh, that's nothing, man.

The on button is a 50-megaton hydrogen bomb.

I should go down there.

Good initiative.

You are gonna make a great henchman.

Henchman walking.

Well, I found it.

I don't care who found it, Stormy.

It's my HappyCake oven, and I get to turn it on.

Captain, don't touch that button.

Aw, shut up, Mailbox Head.

It's cupcake time.

And you know what they say?

"When you want something yummy..."

SPARKY: Captain Murphy?

Hello?

Uh, you in there, Skip?

Huh? What's up?

The crew's been at attention for 15 minutes.

What are you doing?

Oh, jeez, I must've blacked out.

I had that weird dream again.

Yeah. Okay.

You know, where you're the evil madman

who steals my HappyCake oven?

Oh, the one where you're obsessed with Imogene Coca?

No, no, no, no, no.

This time it was Michael Caine.

Well...

Blame it on Rio.

♪ Boom ♪

♪ Ha ♪

♪ Boom ♪

♪ Ha ♪

♪ Boom ♪

♪ It's got to be funky ♪

♪ Boom ♪

♪ Ha ♪

♪ Boom ♪

♪ Ha ♪

♪ Boom ♪

♪ Ha ♪

♪ Boom ♪

♪ B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Baby ♪

♪ Cowabunga ♪

♪ Boom ♪♪

FRENCHMAN: Oh, poop.