Original subtitles

♪ If you're lookin' for me ♪

♪ You'd better check Under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where You'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab At the bottom of the sea ♪♪

Get some slack in this line!

LAB ALARM: Danger! Leak detected!

Danger! Leak detected!

Controversy continued on Monday,

as surgeons successfully transplanted

little Django's brain into...

a robot monkey body.

Scientists now say

human-to-robot brain transplants

will be possible within 10 years.

On a sad note, however,

Django died late Tuesday, after drinking his own urine.

Oh, wait! This just in...

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Sealab has sustained...

major damage from Hurricane Merrell...

a... a collision

with a surface ship, apparently.

Uh, major leaks, implosion imminent...

rescue impossible.

My God.

Say, Skip...

They're trapped down there.

What do you think about all this robot stuff?

Well, good Lord! Are we under attack?

No. That robot monkey on the news.

You're kidding.

That guy's a robot monkey?

No.

But, would you ever put your brain in a robot body?

Why?

I like my body.

I love my body.

Well, you'd never get old, or sick.

Why is the alarm going off?

Beats me.

But you know, Skip,

your robot body would be the perfect man.

LAB ALARM: Situation critical.

Handsome, strong...

Well, could my robot body be a, uh, beautiful woman?

Uh... yeah, sure.

Then you'd better believe

I'd put my brain in a robot's body.

Robot body?

No way!

That goes against the natural order.

Well, you'd have the strength of five men.

I got that now.

Not five men.

Five gorillas.

But since you're that strong,

if you try to pet a kitten,

you'd crush it.

Oh, no! Poor kitty.

Yeah.

Would I still have

my rugged Latin features?

You'd look exactly the same.

Not me!

I'm gonna be an Adrienne Barbeau-bot!

Sir, please.

You look the same, but you're only five feet tall.

Five feet?

Why so short? Because...

that's as big as they come.

[ALARM SOUNDS]

Captain!

There's a crack in the hull!

Pod Seven is flooding!

A Barbeau-bot

would weld that leak with her laser-beam eyes!

You won't have laser beam eyes, okay?

What about...

X-ray vision?

LAB ALARM: Situation critical.

Yeah, you'll have that.

Oh, I can't have laser-beam eyes,

but he gets X-ray vision?

Okay. Everybody gets X-ray vision.

Yeah, and big chainsaw hands!

Zzzrrrr.

Can I control...

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Can I control my X-ray vision?

So you can look through people's clothes?

Yeah, but I don't want to see a bunch of bones and guts.

Just the...[INAUDIBLE]

Huh!

Why else would you have it?

Oh, grody!

I'm gonna have robots eyeballing my [ALARM SOUND]?

No, you'll have a...

Damn it!

Hang on!

No.

You'll have a cloaking device.

But you have to choose: X-ray vision, or...

that cloak thing.

Who needs X-ray vision?

They'll beg to show their [BEEP] to my robot.

Oh, wait.

Hello? We're flooding.

Oh, yeah. That.

Well, somebody go find Dr. Quinn.

Marco? Hmm?

Oh, oh, yeah. Right. Right.

LAB ALARM: Pod Seven critical.

The strength of five gorillas and X-ray vision.

But why so short?

SPARKS: That's as big as they come!

I heard you!

But I can chew nails

and shoot them out as bullets, right?

Nails, chains...

you won't have titanium teeth for nothing.

Nails are like candy to robots.

And we'll eat tires instead of licorice.

Gah! No, we won't!

Maybe you won't!

LAB ALARM: Danger. Pod Seven critical.

Dr. Quinn, there's a major leak in Pod Seven.

Damn!

All right, you seal it off.

I'll get my laser-pack, and we'll meet...

Hang on a sec.

Would you put your brain in a robot body?

What?

Because we were talking upstairs, you know,

just kicking the old peanut around...

Man, I don't have time for this!

LAB ALARM: Pod Seven critical.

Don't you hear that?

Pod Seven's gonna implode!

LAB ALARM: Pod Seven critical.

We'd have X-ray vision

and the strength of five gorillas!

LAB ALARM: Pod Seven critical.

Okay. Okay.

So say I put my brain in a robot body...

and there's a war.

Robots versus humans.

What side am I on?

Humans!

You have a human brain.

But, the humans discriminate against you.

You can't even vote.

We better not have to live on a reservation.

That would really chap my caboose.

Yeah, but...

LAB ALARM: Danger.

Nobody knows you're a robot.

You look the same.

Dogs know.

That's how the humans hunt you.

They're gonna hunt me for sport?

That's why we have to crush mankind.

So you might as well

get on board for the big win, Stormy.

Yip-yapping about puttin' their brains in a robot!

Hey, what about the leak?

Oh, Quinn'll save us.

Quinn always saves us.

Stupid rackem... I'll tell...

[BOOM]

Damn!

Coming up at 10:00, explosions rip through Sealab.

We'll have all the details, plus Chopper Dave!

Hi-oh!

Hey, I've got a few conditions on this robot thing...

Holy crap!

Did you see that freaking chopper explode?

I'll only put my brain in a robot body

if I can put it in a robot cat.

Uh... okay.

But remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.

I know I saw that freaking chopper.

Why settle for a cat, Hesh?

You could be a robot...

tiger.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

Absolutamente no.

If I have to be five feet nothing,

Hesh can't be a tiger.

You're not the boss of Tiger-bot Hesh!

Then he has to live in a Robot Zoo!

LAB ALARM: Danger.

Hear that, Hesh? The zoo! Hah!

Well, then Hesh will stay human!

Don't expect any mercy during the Great Robot Wars.

Yeah?

Well, have fun

on the Robot Reservation, suckers!

We're not gonna honor those bogus treaties!

Hesh will see you in he...

He's right.

They will screw us.

[GROANING]

LAB ALARM: Danger.

Listen!

It's time to get serious.

Yeah, enough of this talk.

Let's kill a human.

You can't break Prime Directive Two.

So what are they gonna do about it?

Let's ask Old Gus.

He'll know.

LAB ALARM: Danger.

QUINN: Damn!

LAB ALARM: Pod Seven has imploded.

QUINN: We just lost Pod Seven!

Bridge, this is Quinn. Come in.

The penalty...

Come in! Pod Seven's gone!

You've gotta get everyone out of Pod Six.

If it goes, they're...

Ah, for the love of...

Sorry, Gus.

The penalty for a robot harming a human

will be 1000 years...

frozen in carbonite!

A thousand years frozen in carbonite?

It'll be so cold!

My nipples are hard just thinking about it.

Man, I'd kill myself.

Hello?

Prime Directive Three.

Damn Prime Directives!

I just don't know

if I want to live a thousand years...

even as an Adrienne Barbeau-bot with hard nipples.

Plus, self-termination?

Hey, I gotta tell you,

it's a sin in the eyes of the Robot Church.

We don't need Rome telling us what to do!

LAB ALARM: Pod Six...

Wait! Critical.

If we're robots, we'll have mechanics.

They could shut us down...

permanently.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Your robot body would go crazy and kill them.

With the strength of five gorillas.

And then it's right back to the carbonite.

And there go my nipples again.

And there goes Pod Six.

God, it's so depressing.

What?

Pod Six was jerks.

No. Being trapped in carbonite.

Oh yeah, that.

But what if you get a brain tumor?

Yeah! A big-ass tumor!

No. Your robot body's a brain surgeon.

Oh, that's bunk.

It's not gonna be a brain surgeon.

If it can't break the five-foot barrier,

it can't be a brain surgeon.

Yes, it can!

If Hesh can be a giant Tiger-bot,

what's a little...

Hesh is gonna stay human.

He'll die in the first wave.

Unless...

he's a Tiger-bot already!

It could happen.

LAB ALARM: Danger.

Danger.

QUINN: Almost died.

But I saved Sealab.

Time to get me some props.

Hey yo! Hey, everybody!

So check it out.

I know I've only got about, what, 30 seconds

before Pod Five goes, right...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, will my robot body have hair?

Just on your back, like you do now.

Gross!

But wait, wait.

What's with robot sex?

Yeah, baby!

Knocking those robot boots!

Go, robot!

Go, robot!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I almost died saving your sorry butts.

Except for Pods Six and Seven.

Shut up! Y'all make me sick!

All you ever talk about is robots.

Can they have hair?

Can they have sex?

The answer to these questions

would quite possibly drive you all insane.

You don't have to bite my head off.

I'm just asking.

Yeah, who died and made you robot expert?

Oh, that's it!

Oh, my God!

Ai, mi madre!

Holy bejesus! He's a robot!

That's right, people.

I...

am a cyborg.

My weak body couldn't deal

with the viruses of the 21st century.

So, using my IQ of 260... That's 2-6- "O"...

I built a super-fly,

cybernetic host body for my brain.

And I became this bastard child of science and humanity.

And I'm standing here naked...

but I'm not asking forgiveness,

and I don't want your pity.

I just want your understanding,

your acceptance.

I'm just asking for your...

friendship.

DIRECTOR: Keep changing. Each one incredibly different.

Okay.

And there go my nipples again.

Oh, and there go my nipples again.

Uh, almost as if

it's the number-one top movie in the country.

And there go my nipples again!

Archie says,

"And there go my nipples again."

Aw, there go my nipples again, there Edith.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, man. All right.

We gotta get... we gotta go.

We gotta go. Thank you.

CAPTAIN MURPHY [OVER RADIO]: I need a towel.