Original subtitles

Welcome to the Bidgee Pub trivia night.

What is the maximum penalty for drug dealing in this state?

What the devil is she up to?

There are three motives

responsible for nearly all murders.

- What are they?

It's a pub, Your Honour, not a fucking courtroom!

Dom's dead, Andy.

Hope you're not thinking about stealing a car

and leaving town, hot stuff.

You have to come now. Hurry!

Hugo?

Where am I?

At first, I was scared.

But I knew I was being given the opportunity

that would slip through the fingers of lesser men.

- Hmm.

It was incredible.

There I was.

I could almost reach out

and touch the stars.

And...

Mere words cannot do it justice.

The colours.

Like a thousand burst eye vessels

smooched together.

The planets were like... uh

um, giant, ancient skulls

floatin' in a sea of darkness.

Anyway, there I was,

just turnin' like a rotisserie chicken.

I was at the very rim of the galaxy.

There were vibratin' voids of darkness

and swarms of meteors and nebulae

and... red dwarfs.

I really don't know how long I was gone

before I was lookin' down at the earth again,

floatin' high above the town.

Then a blindin' bright light

shot me back.

That's where I've been.

Convenient they dropped you

outside the pub on its busiest night.

I wonder why they didn't drop you

back where you were abducted.

Who can explain alien logic?

So

why are you naked?

My clothes disintegrated

when I was beamed up, Noel!

Do you have any idea what's been going on around here?

Do you... Do you recognise this man?

Never seen him before.

I knew it.

Oh, yes. Andy. How's tricks?

Fuckin' bang!

Let me get this straight.

We've been investigating the murder

of someone who isn't even dead.

Well, we, uh... we're

still waiting for Forensics and DNA testing.

- And while we were waiting... - Then you wait.

Yep.

You know that shit takes weeks up here.

You've made a huge assumption

without the facts.

The facts... were, sir, that

a missing man's body was found in that missing man's ute.

So...

Except it wasn't that dickhead, was it?

And then you go and arrest that American for it.

I mean, you have left us wide open!

- You're gonna fix this. - Yep. I am.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Or you can forget about that promotion.

Or I'll see to it that you're shovelling shit

at the horse cops for the rest of your career.

Get out of my sight.

Yep.

Oh, now. I'm going.

Jesus Christ.

Sorry.

- Why am I here?

What's goin' on?

You are now the suspect in a murder investigation.

And if you don't start telling me the truth,

I will have to assume that you are responsible,

and I will do everything in my power to prove it.

Now, a dead man was found in your burnt-out ute

and I wanna know who he is.

You are... jokin', aren't ya?

Do I fuckin' look like I'm jokin'?

Nah.

Where the hell have you been?

If I'm honest.

I think I was somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy.

Andy waits anxiously in the police station.

He hasn't had a chance to speak to his father.

What will his first words be?

Andy appreciates the help, but he just saw his dad

for the first time in decades last night

and the asshole pretended like he didn't even exist,

so maybe Andy is not in the mood for

your little poddo-whacker, or whatever you people call them.

We actually just call it a podcast.

Also

my friend is dead.

Are you sure you don't want a lift back to Bidgee?

I mean, Hugo might be here for a while.

No. I'm not letting him out of my sight.

OK.

Fine.

I think I just got my period.

I'm just gonna... I'll be a sec.

You don't have to narrate everything.

- I found it. - I saw it first.

They're fighting over some cash

they say washed up near the port.

- Smithy's checking it out. - Yeah, righto.

Alright, I see. OK.

But this is off the record.

Ahh!

I'm not a fuckin' reporter, you idiot.

I'm the law!

- Speak! - Alright. Alright.

OK.

Fine. Mate, you were right.

I was not, in fact, in space.

I was... in Darwin.

At the... the Breezy Nut Motel.

- What room? - I was in room 308.

And, um... you can check on that.

I... I hired two adult movies there on my bill.

'Forrest Hump' and 'Fist Club'.

Not that good, though. Three stars.

I also frequented

the Handy Helpers massage parlour next door.

You can check with the lovely ladies

who own that fine establishment.

It's the beautiful Monique

and the voluptuous Ava.

Or was it Eva? Eva?

What was that whole alien abduction bullshit story about?

What was that?

It was supposed to be

a publicity stunt for my UFO tours.

Fuck me dead.

Look, business has not been goin' so good.

So I thought I'd give it a little PR push

if I, like, vanished.

I don't know what I was thinkin'.

I mean, fuckin' UFO tours.

It's a dud.

It was Noel's idea.

From the start, I should never have stolen it off him.

Fuckin' Noel.

You saw the tape.

What tape?

I made a tape.

I thought someone would report me missin'

and then they'd find the tape, they'd leak it to the papers

and then a whole horde of people would come and do my UFO tours.

But no-one's even fuckin' heard of it!

And now my ute's burnt to a crisp.

That... shitbox was the nicest thing I ever owned.

Did someone really die in it?

Mmm.

Right. Just get me the sign-out sheet.

What are you doin' here?

Giving you a ride home.

Whoa, wow, thanks.

I appreciate it. The bus'll be along soon.

I... am giving you

a ride.

Soon as I get my car back, please.

Your what?

The car you took in for evidence

when you thought that I killed my father,

who is not dead.

Oh, right.

You'll get a phone call when that's ready.

Meanwhile, we'll be keeping a very close eye

on the both of you.

But I...

I'm here now.

Can't hear you.

Well, guess that plan's gone out the window, huh?

No.

It did not.

Yeah, righto, you're getting' a bit handsy.

- What's your rush? - Hurry up and get in the car.

Buy me a drink first!

Hey, did you see that guy I was with?

Just left.

You dickhead!

Why didn't you go when we were back at the station?

You were rushin' me.

Oh, that Geraldine's a force of nature.

Huh!

I'm glad to be outta there.

Although I did just get back from

a pretty little hotel in Darwin.

Knew it.

- Had a lovely pool. - I don't care.

Mate, if I will allow myself one complaint,

the minibar fridge, 'twas empty.

I mean, whatever happened to those little bottles of booze

they used to have?

Remember? And the baby chocolate bars.

And the nuts

and the fizzy drinks and the...

Just tell me already!

What? What?

Where is the money?

Can I just... commence my piss first

before we get into the heavy shit?

Why is it taking so long?

I can't go when you're watchin' me.

Oh, my God. Hugo, how long could it possibly take...

Hey! Asshole!

Hey!

Hugo!

Hey!

Dad!

Just stop, will you?

Stay back!

You don't think it hasn't dawned on me

that you might be the bad apple

that killed that bloke in my ute?

Me?!

Maybe you thought it was me in there.

He's... I di...

- I'm your son! - Oh, alright!

Don't need to keep bangin' on about it.

Just tell me where the money is.

This is what you wanna talk about, the money, is it?

You come all this way after all this time

and you wanna know...

Yes! Where is it?!

Alright, then.

I'll tell you.

- But I will preface... - Don't preface.

No, I will make a preface, right? It's this.

It's that I have no idea why you wanna talk about this now.

And I will make a second preface.

No more prefaces! It's too many prefaces!

Second preface is this.

It wasn't my fault.

Hindsight is 20/20, OK?

If I'd have known back then what I know now, etc.

Just... tell me.

Alright. Fine.

I invested it all in

what I thought was gonna be a sure thing.

You invested it?

In what?

A magical tip-off from someone in the know.

But then

a typhoon came along and destroyed the cherimoya farm.

I mean, how was I to predict a freak weather event like that?

It was an act of God!

Your mother, she seemed to understand at the time.

Well, more or less. And I meant to pay her back.

I mean, honest. No, I did.

But, well, time does funny things to a promise.

That's not the money I'm talking about!

It's not?

I'm talking about

the quarter of a million dollars

that was in your bank account that you found

and withdrew and hid God knows where.

I don't have that kind of money.

Stop pretending.

You do not understand the serious shit that we are in!

"We"?

Mate, you must be delusional.

Are you on medication or somethin'?

OK. OK, fine, me. Me. I'm in the shit.

If I don't find that money, I'm dead.

Jeez, that don't sound too good.

No! It don't.

Mate,

I don't know what to tell ya.

I mean, honest, I don't have your money.

I mean, why would I?

I haven't seen ya in over 20, or somethin', years.

Just don't make any sense.

Please, son! Please.

I am tellin' you the truth.

Hmm?

Can't be that bad.

- Hey, where you goin'? - Back to the car.

Nah, the car's this way.

Hang on.

Hey!

You're not going to Bidgeegud, by any chance?

- We're not a taxi service. - I know!

But I was wanting to interview Sergeant Geraldine Walters

for my podcast, but I could

interview you instead if you give me a lift.

Me? No, I'm busy, I've...

Oh, but it's the best way to tell your side of the story.

Look, Sergeant Walters actually warned me about talking to you.

She did?

Yeah, and I'm sure she had good reason.

Right, so... Alright, then, let me get this straight.

You stole my identity

for the purposes of money launderin'

and yet you're angry at me.

I don't know where the money's from or what it's for.

I just move it for them.

I'm really surprised at how you turned out.

I'm more than disappointed in your mother.

She didn't do a good job raisin' you.

I'm warning you.

Hey, how is the old girl anyway?

She still swingin' her hips when she walks?

She's dead.

She died last year.

I reached out to her.

I didn't hear back.

Oh! That's right.

Yeah, the one lousy 'wish you were here' postcard you sent.

Yeah, she got that. Thank you.

I can see that you're determined

not to even begin to understand my position.

Your mother was the only woman

who ever understood me.

That was the problem.

She was too good for me and we both knew it.

Can I ask, though - did she, uh...

- I mean, well, did you... - What?

What is it?

What would you like to know

after all of these years of zero interest?

Was it a burial or a cremation?

Cremation.

And what'd you do with the ashes?

I put... They're...

I haven't decided what to do with them yet.

What do you mean?

I mean they're in storage, if you must know.

I haven't figured out where to... sprinkle them.

Oh, Andrew!

- That is terrible.

You can't leave your mother sittin' on some dusty shelf

in a storage container!

You shut the fuck up!

As if you have a single leg to stand on!

I don't wanna hear another word out of your fucking mouth.

I am not joking.

Where...

Where in God's name are we?

- Hello? - Hmm?

Oh, really? You're allowin' me to talk now, are you?

Yes! Yes, you're allowed to talk.

Where the fuck are we?

I have no idea.

So what's it like working for Sergeant Walters?

Turn that off.

Pretty embarrassing how she arrested Andy

for his dad's murder and turns out he wasn't even dead.

OK, Sergeant Walters made a bold call, OK,

and I respect that.

Sergeant Walters is the smartest person I've ever met.

And I've met people with multiple degrees, OK?

- She's... vivacious.

Vivacious?

Exciting. Inspiring.

As a cop, I mean.

And look, guess who just found a cattle truck that went missing?

Sergeant Walters.

- So put that in your podcast. - Thanks. I will.

That's actually classified, so you're gonna have to delete...

Do you think it's related to the body found in the ute?

A missing truck might have a missing driver, right?

Has a missing driver been reported?

If I give you a lift, are you gonna stop asking questions?

You got any gum?

Nope.

I'd kill for a Mintie.

Whatever that is.

Wonder what your smile looks like.

Can I see it?

You always in this shit of a mood?

You have any disorders

like anxiety or anythin'?

How do you sleep?

OK, can... can you just stop

feigning interest in me?

This feeble attempt at making up for lost time is

boring.

I'm just genuinely interested, that's all,

in what kind of genetic trail I've left behind.

Aren't you curious?

You know what?

I was curious from, uh, about age 10 to maybe 20.

That's a whole decade of

spending every day trying to remember

what your face looked like.

Wondering where you are, you know?

Trying to figure out

what is so horrible about me

that a father could just... just walk away

and never come back.

But you know what I did?

I got over it.

So, no, I'm not curious anymore.

I was presumed dead.

Everyone in the town thought I was dead.

Did they mourn me?

Did they miss me?

Do I matter?

You know, when I was yakkin' on about my alien abduction story,

well, I was lookin' at the dead eyes of the townsfolk

and I thought, "These people don't deserve my stories."

Who are these cunts really?

Why have I spent so many years with them?

You know that feelin' when you don't really belong anywhere?

So... I'm just wonderin'.

Is that somethin' also in our blood?

Do you feel that too?

- One more question. - I said no more.

Alert priority 2. Body found at the port.

All available officers to report.

OK? That means everyone.

- Can I come? - Hell, no!

I'll just sit in the car.

50 bucks says this new body's the missing truckie.

Eh? Anyone game?

- I knew it! - OK, this is serious work, OK?

OK. Yeah, fine. Great.

I'll just go home and file my report about

inter-office romance between you and your boss.

How did you know about that?

I didn't. You just confirmed it.

Is it romance or more physical?

I mean, the power imbalance won't look good for her

and even though you're a guy,

sexual harassment's still frowned upon, isn't it?

OK, I just...

Shit.

You know, you're right.

Hmm? Maybe we shouldn't talk.

Because I'm offerin' pearls of fatherly wisdom here

and all you're interested in is money.

OK, you know what? Let's talk.

Why were you never interested in what became of Mom and me?

I almost googled you once.

Almost? Once.

Fuckin' Father of the Year over here.

I meant to come back, honestly.

I did. I just got sidetracked.

Sidetracked?!

Yeah, and you know the weird thing?

Oh, that wasn't the weird thing?

I had this epiphany

that you and your mother were also a sidetrack,

that everything that I had done

was me bein' sidetracked from what I was supposed to be doin'.

And what might that be exactly?

Still haven't worked that out yet.

OK, so to summarise,

Mom and I were a regrettable detour on the aimless journey

of your miserable life?

Oh, Andrew, don't be so cynical.

It's not as if I dropped you off

in a little basket at an orphanage or whatever.

- You were all grown up. - I was nine!

- In the animal kingdom... - Nope.

Some birds leave their young after a few weeks.

I'm not an animal!

I trusted you to thrive on your animal instincts.

God, can't you be grateful

that I showed that kind of faith in you?

Oh, my God! I can't listen to this anymore!

Alright. But why did you never track me down, huh?

You don't see me gettin' annoyed, do ya?

What, I'm not worth trackin' down

unless you need somethin', yeah?

God, kids! Ugh! What leeches.

What did you just call me?

What?

Am I wrong? Where's the lie?

- Take it back. - Nah.

Take it... BACK!

- No! - Take it back!

No way!

Will you stop bloody chasin' me?

Would you... Cut it out!

This is bloody stupid!

We...

We need to be conservin' our energy, right?

People die out here all the time.

Good!

We deserve it.

The car.

What?

Ohh! Mwah!

Ohh!

I've been asked to wait in the car,

but I need to take a closer look.

I can see...

Forensics just gave us.

Police officers standing around

what appears to be a body.

Shit.

It's Gareth.

- Home, sweet home, I guess.

Holy shit.

What's that? What's goin' on?

Just got a text from my friend Dom.

That's nice!

Yeah.

Except he's dead.

♪ Currency, carry me

♪ Everyone is held hostage

♪ Currency means nothing

♪ How are they to spend us next?

♪ Do you want a stake in us? ♪