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Throw down them firearms and reach for the sky,

or I'll blow your hide to kingdom come and feed your

heart to the buzzards.

Yes, sir, you had to talk real mean to them

outlaws back then, even when you had the drop on them.

What'd they do then, Grandpa?

They surrendered.

Of course, we had them outnumbered almost 50 to 1, but

with outlaws, you can't be too careful.

Some of them are dumber than tacks.

Were most people outlaws back then?

Oh, not really.

Not really.

Texas had some bad, bad men,

but there were some good men too.

Brave men who were willing to sacrifice

whatever was necessary to tame the West.

Miss Flanagan told us that it was the railroad that tamed the West.

Railroad?

Poppycock.

Railroad just slowed things down.

Dirty, filthy iron horse making noise, belching smoke and dirtying up the air.

I'll tell you a story about the railroad.

It all started back when

Jeff Davis was Secretary of the War and

I was but a young lieutenant.

Oh, I see I've told you that one, have I?

Yes, sir.

We like it because you always tell it different.

Well, no point in telling a story if it

ain'tgonna be interesting.

Now, where was I?

You were but a young lieutenant.

Ah, yes.

A young lieutenant out of Washington, D.C. where the

air was filled with rumors about a

important experiment to take place on the Texas frontier.

Davis had given orders to Colonel Randolph Zachary

to find a courageous, quick-witted,

daring officer to take charge of the mission.

Not me.

Not on your life.

You obviously didn't hear me, Major.

The camel can carry loads of almost 2,000 pounds and endurance...

I won't do it.

Major, this is the military

and you have your orders.

Those aren't my orders.

Those orders have a blank where the name's supposed to go.

I know you've been talking to every officer in Washington

and pulling every political trick in the book to get

some schnook to take this thing

and I'm saying what they all said.

No, no, no.

Come on, Bill.

I'm in a real spot here.

Now, look, Zach.

We've been friends for a long time,

but I figure that

if you think no more of our friendship than to

ask me to traipse through Texas on a camel...

well, then I'm free and clear to think no more

of it than to say no.

I could court-martial you for this.

Go ahead. Court-martial me.

You know I could never do that.

Darn right I know it.

No court in Washington would convict me.

If you want my advice, Zach,

you need to find someone with no past record of merit.

You know, no seniority, no rank, no career potential, no nothing.

Then you got someone with nothing to lose.

Your problem is you're shooting too high.

You need to lower your sights.

Get down to the bottom of the barrel.

Yee-haw!

I had been thrust into an unfamiliar environment.

Alien to my own.

But I adjusted quickly.

Soon I began seeking out new acquaintances.

Found that the men of the frontier were no different from myself.

d Where am I going?

d What am I gonna do?

d I don't need these old tumbling weeds.

d So let them buffaloes roam.

d I just heard a discouraging word.

d And I wanna go home.

d Westward bound, how lucky can you be?

d I feel the wheel of fortune running all over me.

d This old range is so doggone strange.

d Lord, I feel so all alone.

d I wasn't born to be no hero.

d And I wanna go home.

d Yeah, I just wanna go home.

d I just wanna go home.

Whoa!

Lieutenant Clements?

Yes, sir.

No, you're the sir,sir.

I'm..I'm the sergeant.

Uriah Tibbs?

Yes, of course, Sergeant Tibbs.

It's been quite a trip.

Yes, sir, I bet it has been.

But I can guarantee you're gonna feel good soon.

Because you're a hero in these parts.

- A hero? - Yes, sir.

Here come your suitcases, Mac.

I'll get those for you.

Now, watch out for the blue one.

It's, uh, it's full of books.

What do you mean, a hero?

Well, like I said, sir,

you've got no idea how happy my men are going to be when they see you.

Really?

There you go. Yes, sir.

There ain't a horse soldier in this man's army

that wouldn't cut off his right arm to work on your project.

Really?

Yes, sir.

I, uh,

I heard a man once say that

everybody's motivated by something different.

But that ain't you or the horse soldier.

- Really? - No, sir.

Horse soldiers,

well, they're motivated by the same thing.

Fine horses.

Fine horses.

I'll take these to the wagon for you.

Uh, sergeant?

Yes, sir.

Here's another one.

You still haven't told me why I'm going to be a hero.

Not going to be.

You've been a hero ever since we got that

telegram about them Arabian mounts.

Oh, no.

Oh, and, uh, I want to tell you the honest to God truth, sir.

I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be

sitting on top of something so fine

as a real Arabian horse.

Mmm..boy!

Arabian horse.

I want to go home.

Better watch this one. Must be loaded with bricks.

You got no idea how close my men came to losing this assignment.

No, sir.

Too close to suit me.

We fought old Tucker's bunch tooth and nail.

Yeah, they had riding contests, shooting contests, even war games.

Finally settled it in a saloon brawl.

They sure took it hard, too.

They wanted them horses bad.

Colonel Hawkins?

I'm, uh, Lieutenant Clemens.

I just got in from Washington.

Fire!

Direct hit.

Score bulls-eye, Private.

Yes, sir.

Readout

Colonel Hawkins?

Stand by.

Colonel!

Oh, oh, oh, Tibbs.

Yes, sir.

This here is Lieutenant Clemens.

He's a new man from Washington.

Oh, Washington.

Well, I have to tell you right out in front,

Lieutenant, I'm not particularly fond of Washington.

And the feeling's mutual.

I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Well, I should have command of an artillery outfit,

not stuck out here in this.. this godforsaken wilderness.

I've exchanged harsh words with the

War Department many times on that very subject.

That's probably why I'm still stuck out here in this

godforsaken wilderness.

Yes, sir.

What was that?

I said, yes, sir.

Well, what do you mean by that?

Well, I don't really know, sir.

He probably means he's going to like it here, sir.

He's crazy.

When do your horses get here, Tibbs?

Tomorrow morning, sir.

Uh, Colonel, that's something I'd

like to talk to you about, sir.

Fire!

Perhaps later.

Direct hit.

Score another bulls-eye, Private.

All right, men.

Now, Lieutenant's going to be coming out here in a few minutes.

And I want you dirtballs

to go easy on him.

Do you hear me?

Huh?

All right.

He's a nice fellow,

a little green to the way we do things.

But remember what he's bringing us.

- Huh? Arabian horses. - Arabian horses.

Now, on that subject,

it might please you knuckleheads to know...

that at this very minute...

our fine new horses

are on a barge chugging up the river...

and they're going to be here bright and early tomorrow morning.

How about that, huh?

Make Tucker's bunch look like tumbleweeds to...

God, how do I tell those men they don't have

Arabian horses coming in the morning?

That's the easy part.

The hard part's telling them they've got camels coming instead.

Well,

just have to tell them, that's all.

It's that simple.

Just spit it out.

Just walk out there in front of them and say...

Men!

You don't have...

any idea how I feel at this moment.

Speaking for the men, sir,

I can say we all feel the same way.

Well, if you don't now, you will soon.

Beg your pardon, sir?

Never mind, Sergeant.

Please prepare the men for inspection.

Prepare for inspection.

Ten-hut!

The men are prepared for inspection, sir.

- Thank you, Sergeant. - Yes, sir.

Sir, please go easy on them.

The last time a soldier was inspected in these parts was to see if he was dead.

Then why are we doing this, Sergeant?

You said it was a good way to meet the men, sir.

Oh, yes.

- Was he? - What?

Dead.

Oh, yes, sir. Three days.

What's your name, Private? Higgins, sir.

Private Nathaniel R. Higgins.

My enlistment was up last week,

and as much as I hate the Army,

I re-up just so I could get me one of them Arabians.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I think it's the water, sir.

My horse got that way when we first came over here.

Howdy.

Howdy, sir.

Sir.

Corporal,

when's the last time you had a bath?

I think it was back in 44, sir.

44?

Well, 44, that's not bad at all.

No, sir.

Private Arthur Logan, sir.

Where's your shirt, Logan?

In the barrack, sir.

What's it doing in the barracks?

Just lying there, I guess.

Look, Logan, I'm not really in the mood for jokes,

and the uniform of the United States Army is not really a joking matter.

I wasn't trying to make a joke, sir.

I know you weren't, because

men have fought and died for that uniform.

I do know that, sir.

Of course you do.

How long have you been in the Army, Logan?

Well, let's see. I...

I was in the Indian Wars of 52,

two years with Kit Carson blazing the Northwest Trail.

I was the only survivor of the Battle of Blue Ridge,

and that was in 56, so not counting them

two years I was held prisoner by the Comanches, that's...

that's eight years, sir.

- Carry on, Logan. - Yes, sir.

- Sergeant. - Yes, sir.

Sergeant, this man reeks of whiskey.

Yes, sir, that is correct.

Well, isn't that a little irregular?

Not for Fitzgerald, sir.

He's been like that ever since I've known him.

Of course, I've only been here four years.

Of course.

Lieutenant.

- Lieutenant? - Yes, yes, Sergeant.

Will that be all, sir?

No, Sergeant, that will not be all.

I have something to say to the men,

and I'm going to say it.

We'd all be proud to hear it, sir.

Ahem.

Stand at ease.

Men,

in the years to come,

it is very likely that the

experiment that we are about to undertake

may well prove to be one of the most

significant and

strategic implementations in the development

of our country.

No matter how

unusual it may seem right now.

What do you mean, Lieutenant?

What are we going to do with them horses that's so unusual?

Yeah, something weird.

I might have second thoughts.

Not me, boy.

It'll be worth it just to ride by Tucker's men

one time on one of them Arabians.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I wouldn't plan on that if I were you, Higgins.

Why not, sir?

Because...

Because I've been trying to tell you something,

and what I've been trying to tell you is this.

You...

Are...

Dismissed.

Well, how are you today, George?

I'm glad to hear it.

I'm fine.

One fresh bottle, one fresh shot glass.

You know, Smitty,

it never ceases to amaze me how

them folks in Washington think they can get a soldier out of a textbook.

It don't work.

There's some things

they just can't teach in a textbook.

And I guess soldiering is one of them.

Oh, let me have another glass, sir.

I got a friend coming.

Yeah?

What's her name?

I wish.

Ha, ha, ha.

Boy do I wish?

Evening, Sergeant.

Lieutenant.

I thought we were having dinner.

We are, sir.

And this is it.

I, uh, I took the pleasure of ordering it for you, sir.

Well, that's very kind of you, Sergeant, but I...

I don't really drink.

But with the responsibilities of my new leadership,

I, uh, have to be alert at all times.

Ha, ha, ha.

And, uh...

And drinking dulls the nerves and, uh, clouds the senses.

Ah.

Lieutenant,

I think it's time we had a little talk.

That's why I invited you here, so we could have a little talk.

Thank you, Sergeant.

I appreciate that.

You see, sir, things are different here than they are back east.

For example, looking clean and neat

doesn't necessarily make a man a good soldier.

I mean, if my men look like you,

I'd know that they wasn't getting their job done.

You've been here less than half a day,

and I'll bet you've changed clothes five times.

Six.

Six.

You see, Lieutenant, that's two times you shouldn't have looked nice.

Why don't you get rid of that, uh, that

pig poker you got there before you hurt yourself with it?

Oh, I can't do that, Sergeant.

Saber's part of the uniform.

That's what I'm talking about, Lieutenant.

I mean, you all gussied up like that, and you look like

a picture in the dress code manual.

I am the picture of the dress code manual.

Oh.

Well, it's a nice picture.

It's a stupid picture.

Dumb part about it is, it's probably the most important

thing I've done since I've been in the Army.

Except for this.

Now I'm starting to mess this up.

Not so, Lieutenant.

Not so at all.

Look, this is a strange country.

Kind of, uh,

foreign soil to somebody from Washington.

But once you get used to it,

you cant get along a lot better here than you did in Washington.

You think so?

I'll bet you on that.

To you.

Another thing, me and my men are gonna do whatever's necessary

to make your project a success.

Is that a promise?

A promise.

Well, you don't know how good that makes me feel, Sergeant.

Because you know those horses you've been talking about all day?

The fine Arabian horses.

They're very same.

What about them?

They're sure gonna look funny.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

Arnold, they're gonna look a lot of things.

But they ain't gonna look funny.

I mean, not Arabian horses to me.

Mm-mm.

Sergeant?

Guess what?

What?

Them fine Arabian horses

are really fine Arabian cam...

You're supposed to be the brass

that's bringing in them A-rab horses.

That's Tucker. He's the low type I've been telling you about.

David Tucker, Lieutenant.

Don't bother to get up.

Don't bother to get up.

You know,

I'm the man you ought to be bringing

them horses in to.

They're bringing them right place, Tucker.

We want them fair and square.

Fair and square, my Aunt Lucy.

Why, you don't even know the meaning of them words.

You know, my men rightly deserve them horses, Lieutenant.

And we might just come and get them yet.

You come get them any time, Tucker.

Because the first one of you sidewinders come slithering out

of your hole is gonna get their head stoved in.

We ain't gonna be coming one at a time.

And that's the only way that outfit of yours can

ever whoop my boys.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Tucker, you seem to be forgetting, which is normal for you,

one week ago right here, who walked away and

who got carried away.

But we wasn't trying.

We wasn't trying.

We wasn't...

Oh, go stick your face back in.

Whoa!

- Dismount. - Tim.

Tim, come here.

Yes, sir.

Ah, come here. Come over here.

I want to talk to you away from the men. There's something

very important I have to tell you right now.

Where have you been? I was afraid you were gonna be late.

Late?

Are you kidding, sir? On a day like this?

Well, it's gonna be the biggest day of my life.

No, Sergeant, it isn't.

Beg pardon, sir?

Uh, do you remember what you said last night about

how you and the men would do whatever was necessary

to help me with this project?

Oh, I see what you're saying.

You think that was just whiskey talk, don't you?

Well, sir,

me and my men are behind you, uh,

100%.

What are we getting, men?

Arabians!

I appreciate that, Sergeant.

Thank you. That's-that's very kind of you.

But, uh, Sergeant, uh, the-the thing is, uh, Washington,

through no fault of my own, I had nothing to do with it,

Washington has kind of... well they sort of...

Excuse me, sir, there's Frank.

Misled you?

Uh, you see, sir, we brought Frank along so we

could take our old horses back to the fort and

we could ride back there and style them new Arabians, huh?

Uh, Tibbs.

All right, you guys, unsaddle your mounts, clothesline them.

Uh, don't do that, Sergeant.

Uh, don't-don't unsaddle the horses, Sergeant, don't.

Well, how come?

You mean Arabians ain't broke yet?

Oh, they're broken all right.

They just ain't Arabians, aren't Arabians.

Well, they are Arabians, in a matter of speaking.

They just aren't horses.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

I'm told we're gonna get beautiful Arabian horses

and all I get is a bunch

of ugly faces,

skinny legs,

and Hawmps.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

See, the telegram from Washington didn't explain it very clearly

and I didn't know about that until..

Hawmps!

Sergeant, I hope you remember what you said about how

strange things take some getting used to.

We fought for Arabians.

We dreamt of Arabians.

For two weeks we done nothing but eat and sleep Arabians.

My man even got dressed up for Arabians.

And look what gets off the boat.

A bunch of raunchy, mangy...

Hawmps.

Bye, Lieutentant.

Mount up!

Uh, Sergeant, where are you going?

Look, I've got all these camels.

I've got to get back to the fort.

Do not mount up. Men!

Sergeant! That's an order!

Move out!

Ah, come on, fellas!

Give it a chance!

Oh, dear.

We seem to be off to a bit of a

sticky-wicky start, what?

The accent or the attire?

Both.

Origin, Arab.

Education, Oxford.

Class of 54, actually.

Haji Ali is the name.

Or, if you prefer, as your barge driver so quaintly called me,

Hi Jolly.

Camel instructor extraordinaire.

At your service, sir.

It had been an uneventful morning.

And later, as we took the camels through town,

it was with a certain festive spirit that the townspeople gathered

along the street to wish us well.

Aah!

Just tell me one thing, lieutenant.

Who is it in Washington that's out to destroy me?

Well, speak up, man!

Why wasn't I told

that they're going to turn my fort

into some kind of a zoo?

I don't know, sir.

I really don't know.

I only found out yesterday that you didn't know.

And, well, when I tried to...

It's bad enough they sent me out here to command these horse soldiers.

Now to burden me with these.. these..these creatures like...

This could be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Camel's back.

Sit down, lieutenant.

Lemons, is it?

Clemens, sir.

Clemens.

Whatever.

I should have known that anything coming

from Zachary would have to be screwy.

Do you know where I really should be, lieutenant?

In an artillery command, sir?

Boom.

You're a fine judgment.

Now, whatever it is you have to do with these camels,

let's get it done, get it over with,

and get them out of here as soon as possible.

But, sir, if the experiment is a success,

it'd be forever.

I mean, the purpose is to show that the camel

can serve the cavalry better than the horse, especially for moving west.

I'm as far west as I want to be, lieutenant.

I have no desire to move any further west.

Now then, how long is

this experiment of yours...

...gonna take?

Well, sir, that's a little difficult to say.

Sir, may I, uh, may I stand?

If you wish, if you wish.

You see, sir, first we have to teach the men how to use the camels.

Come in.

I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, but, lieutenant Clemens,

is there a hospital on post?

You see, Shiva, well, she's feeling a touch fragile today.

The barge, the excitement, you know.

Well, we have a dispensary.

Oh, good show.

Ah, Colonel Hawkins, great pleasure, sir.

Perhaps a little tea later and a nice chat.

Come along, Shiva.

Daddy's going to get you a nice tonic.

Thanks, awfully, chaps.

What was that?

That was a camel, sir.

No, I mean the one with the tablecloth on its head.

Oh, that was High Jolly, sir.

He came with the camels.

He came with the camels?

Yes, sir.

As I was saying, we have to teach the men

how to use the camels, how to ride the camels,

how to pack them.

Just a minute.

You said ride them?

Yes, sir.

My men are going to get on those camels and

ride them?

Yes, sir.

Outside of the fort where

where..where..where.. people can see them?

Well?

Yes, sir.

So that's it.

Zachary's trying to make me a laughingstock.

Well, I'll not have it.

As far as I'm concerned, he can take his camels and...

Boom!

Sir, begging your pardon, but this isn't Zachary's project.

It's been approved by Congress, and Zachary

works directly under Jefferson Davis.

Jefferson Davis?

Well, that doesn't sound like something Jeff would do. He's..

He's always liked me.

He'll be president one day.

You mark my words, he's a good man.

And if I may, sir, it's a good project.

You see, if camels can adapt to our country,

we can move 50 miles a day over rough terrain with

men and loads up to 2,000 pounds per animal.

Lieutenant, it's time for my artillery practice.

All right, on the basis of your word and Jeff's

word, we'll give this thing a shot, this camel, you see.

But if it were Zach's project,

boom!

Yes, sir.

Oh, thank you.

One more thing.

Do you have any idea what your little maneuvers in

town today cost the United States Army?

No, sir.

Too much, lieutenant.

Much too much.

Another incident like that during this project and...

Boom, sir?

I think we understand each other.

Oh, uh, I almost forgot, men.

Uh, all requests for transfer denied.

- What? - Denied?

Oh, come on, colonel.

We don't want to have to ride a bunch of camels.

If I were you, I'd, uh,

be a little careful when you see your men.

They, uh...

They, uh, they hate my guts, sir.

Affirmative.

No, no, no, no.

Don't move or I'll blow your brains out!

Don't brain... I'll blow your move out.

I mean, uh...

I know what you mean.

You're a girl?

Close. I'm the colonel's daughter.

My name's Jennifer and I just came by to give you a welcome gift.

And I certainly don't want my move blown out.

How do I know you're the colonel's daughter?

Well, it would help if you would turn up the lamp.

- Oh, yeah, I suppose it would. - Yeah.

You're the girl from town today.

Oh, hey, listen, I'm awfully sorry about what happened.

Oh, you have no reason to be.

Oh, yes, I do, too.

It's all my fault.

I know how you must have felt with all that molasses.

No, you don't.

But you're going to.

You see, oh, I like to start all relationships on an even basis.

It's not quite a barrelful, but it's good enough, I guess.

So, now we can start all over again.

Would you like to come over for tea tomorrow?

Let's say four o'clock?

Uh,

do you mind if I borrow one of these?

I am fascinated by your project.

And I must say, it really looks like you've done your homework, too.

Hmm.

Cute.

Oh, well, I'll let you get back to sleep.

Thanks for the book.

The men are in position, sir.

Thank you, Sergeant.

All right.

We have learned the difference between the one-hump...

Lieutenant.

The one-hump and the two-hump camel.

We have learned where they came from.

And we have learned why they

can be man's best friend in the desert.

Which brings me to the next point.

A point that I feel must be confronted

before we take our first

riding instruction.

It involves a certain problem in attitude.

I, for one,

apologize for not telling you that these

camels were

were not Arabian horses in the first place.

I tried to.

I guess I didn't have enough

guts.

Guts ain't something...

Guts aren't something

I have ever had too much of.

But I have found enough

to tell you that

this is the first halfway important thing I've ever done.

And I want it to go right.

Oh, and for it to go right,

I'm going to need your help.

The experiment itself could be a failure or

it could be a milestone in the development of our country.

But the results should be judged on

its merit.

And not

whether or not

you men are

too proud to

work with a bunch of camels.

Here, here. Here, here, sir.

Jolly good. Jolly good.

Hey, look yonder, boys.

Absolutely capital.

There's them United States Hawmp soldiers.

And them must be the U.S. Army issue Hawmps.

Sarge,

I request permission to cut Tucker's throat.

Permission granted.

No, Sergeant. Permission is not granted.

Higgins, you may not cut Tucker's throat.

Too bad, Higgins.

Maybe next time.

After you boys have been promoted to

riding cows or goats or something.

Sergeant Tucker.

Did somebody call my name?

I did, Sergeant Tucker. Front and center.

At attention when you approach an officer soldier.

Would you like to be on report, Sergeant?

Uh, no, sir.

Would you like to be on a camel?

Uh, no disrespect, sir, but no, sir, sir.

Then I suggest that you make no further remarks to my men,

or the next time I see you, you'll be on both. Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

Dismissed.

I think your problem of attitude just took a giant step forward.

Yes, indeed. Nothing like a good dressing

down.

Yes, well.

I shall demonstrate the procedure for you one time myself,

and then each of you can try it.

Push.

Always remembering, gentlemen,

you must first rock to the fore,

and then to the rear.

Up, shiva, fore,

and rear.

Now, gentlemen, what could be simpler?

Right.

Shall we give it a go, gents?

Try to remember the instructions,

and mount at your own pleasure.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Mashallah.

Whoa.

Whoa.

I think it's time for tea.

It's time for tea.

Come along, Shiva.

Where are you going, sarge?

You guys just don't realize how bad I'm hurting.

You?

I may never walk again.

Look, I think I've come up with a legitimate way out of this thing.

Yeah, what?

A medical discharge.

I would never have thought there was an animal alive

that could toss me off three times in a row.

It wouldn't have fallen off if it did me in,

if it was that stick in the back.

Yeah, well, I can't help but think we wouldn't be

hurting if we'd gotten what we were supposed to get.

Boy, I was really looking forward to them horses.

Hey, Hi Jolly.

What are they really like?

Them arabians as great as everybody says.

Ah, the arabian.

Magnificent creature.

No finer horse anywhere in the world.

I don't want to hear about it.

But for the desert, nothing can beat the camel.

You give me a 2x4, and I'll beat the camel.

Oh, and maybe Clemons along with it.

Psst!

Higgins!

Logan!

You boys, come here!

Well, that's it.

Fitzgerald's got the answer.

He's so drunk, he don't even know he's hurting.

Yeah.

You want to tell us something, Fitzgerald?

You come on over here.

You feel better than we do.

Have you gone loco, Fitzgerald?

What are you doing letting that camel out?

That's what I wanted to show you.

I taught her a trick.

Yeah.

I'll teach you the trick.

Where's my 2x4?

Come on, Valentine.

Come on, my little sweetheart.

Valentine?

That's a stupid name for a camel.

That was my mother's name.

Yeah, but she wasn't a camel, was she?

Of course she wasn't.

Don't be silly.

Now...

I want you boys to watch this.

This is amazing.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Purely amazing.

Okay?

Valentine, do it.

Hee-hee-hee-hee!

Didn't I tell you?

Amazing!

How'd you make her do that?

Just good training.

Just good training.

Then teach her to be a horse.

Yeah.

Sarsaparilla.

You might sober up and die of fright, Fitzgerald.

I wouldn't touch the stuff.

But she's just a baby, and I ain't about to

corrupt her morals with alcohol.

Come on, Valentine.

I'll teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow.

Hee-hee-hee-hee!

Say, Hi Jolly.

How'd he do that?

Are camels really that smart?

Oh, indeed.

Indeed, camels are very intelligent.

Have a high capacity for learning.

As far as animals go, of course.

However, I'm afraid Fitzgerald did not teach her that particular trick, oh, no.

You see, she was born board ship,

but her mother rejected her,

so she had to be bottle-fed

for the duration.

Consequently, she's become rather

bonkers over bottles.

Can't wait to put her mouth on one.

Well, I'll be.

It's true. It's true.

Well, don't tell Fitzgerald.

He'll never know the difference.

Even if you tell him, he'll never know the difference.

Here comes Big Mouth.

His mouth ain't been quite so big since the lieutenant got in today.

Yeah, but I'd like to get in myself.

Just once.

Hey, I got an idea.

Higgins, go grab Fitzgerald and that camel and wait till I call you.

Elroy, you play along.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You boys still a-rubbin' liniment on your hind-ends?

Say,

I'm glad you walked up, Sergeant,

because I got me a problem, and maybe you can help me.

You being an experienced betting man and knowing gambling and all.

What's your problem?

You betting on whether or not you can get by

with going AWOL so you can get away from them hawmps?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Now, now, now, here's the deal.

Elroy just bet me $10,

that that baby camel over there

can pick up a bottle of sarsaparilla all by

itself and drink it down.

Now, I think maybe that's a good bet, but

$10 is a lot of money, and,

well, I'd like someprofessional advice.

Now, wait a minute.

Let me get this straight.

Elroy here says that that stinking camel can pick up

a bottle of sarsaparilla right off of the ground and

drink it down all by itself?

That's the bet.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

What do you think?

Well, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

There ain't no way that hawmpback critter can do nothing like that.

That's what I thought.

Count me in, Elroy.

In fact,

let's up it to 20.

Don't take all this money, Logan,

because I want some of it myself.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

No, no, no deal, Tucker.

This is just a friendly bet between me and Logan.

Just as I thought.

You're trying to slicker, poor old Logan.

And then when a professional comes along,

why, you want to back down.

Well, I'm calling you a liar,

and I'm going to call you a cheater unless you take some of my money, too.

Well, all right, but just 10 bucks.

Uh-uh.

20, same as Logan.

Okay.

Good night, gentlemen.

Higgins, y'all bring that camel over here.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Are you sure?

Yes, sir, just fine.

Well, I wish you wouldn't go to bed for a

couple days, at least until your vision clears up.

Well, like I said, Lieutenant, it's just a left eye.

Don't worry about it.

It's going to be just fine.

Well, getting back to this morning, what I was trying

to say is, well, I'm sorry about all the misunderstandings,

and I know that you and your men hate the camels, but...

Look, Lieutenant, look.

You want me to say you got our best effort?

You got it.

Was my speech that good?

It was awful.

It's just that, uh, I'm looking at it realistically.

We got two choices, either do it or desert.

And the penalty for desertion is hanging.

Oh.

I wish I'd known that two days ago.

All right, the bet is, if I rope that doggone

camel, I get back my $80.

Right.

And my hand-carved boots,

and that solid gold watch my daddy give me.

That's right.

I think you got him this time, Sarge.

You bet I have.

All right, turn that hog-backed thing loose!

Ha!

Go on Sarge, throw that rope!

Don't you leave him behind his house!

His $80 is in the pocket.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, Sergeant, that ain't one of them hogs.

What's the matter, Tucker? Can't tell your own man from a camel?

All right, this time he's mine.

Ain't funny. There's another one like him somewhere, huh?

Ha-ha-ha!

Come on, Sarge!

Whoo!

I got him, Tucker!

Whoa!

Whoa, you hammerhead!

Whoa!

Please, whoa!

Oh!

Men, before we're through, we're gonna get to know these

camels backward and forward.

I think several of us made a good start on

the backward part yesterday.

Training will be rigorous,

but we have a fine animal here.

And I feel if we all work hard,

we can prove to our critics beyond a shadow of a doubt

that the camel can outdistance,

outrun, outwork, and outlast

what is likely to become known as the

old-fashioned horse.

Let me get this straight.

He wants to bet you $20 that a camel can

carry more firewood than my wagon?

That's what he said.

I'd bet $20 on that myself.

Gee, I don't know.

Sorry about your wagon.

Drake, you're next.

Show him what you can do with that pistol.

Yes, sir.

Move out!

Let's go.

Bulls-eye

You're doing nicely, sir. Nicely.

Well...

Second ring. Not bad, not bad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Okay, Fitzgerald.

Move out!

Six complete misses.

The men had worked hard, and the experiment was going well.

But our first real test came when a friendly Indian

chief reported that a renegade riding a majestic white horse

was plundering and burning ranches in the area.

His name was Crazy Feathers,

and it was our job to stop him.

Haw, Shiva!

Haw, Shiva!

Whoo!

I hate camels!

I hate them!

I hate them, you...

I say, my dear old chap, bad luck, bad luck!

I tried desperately to warn you.

You see, camels can't swim.

No, instinctively afraid of the water.

Actually, had you eased off just a tad,

showed her how shallow it

was, you'd have had no trouble at all.

Pity.

Pity!

We very nearly caught those savages, you know.

Lost my boot.

Yes, well, never you mind, old darling.

Let's get you out of those wet things

before you catch your death.

Come along now.

Good girl.

Oh, God bless you, hankey?

Hi, Jennifer.

I got lonely when you didn't come by, so I

thought I'd come over to see whether or not you

hated me a lot, or just a little tiny bit.

I'm sorry, I just didn't much feel like it tonight.

Aw, come on.

Just because you fell into a river and didn't catch

some old Indian doesn't mean it's the end of the world, you know.

Well, but it's the end of the project.

Your father's pulling the plug on it.

He's sending the 114 to Jefferson Davis, no less.

Just because of that crazy feathers thing?

That's not fair.

Yeah, that's what I said.

But it does look a little ridiculous when ten trained

soldiers can't bring him in

and one lone prospector does.

d Walking alone, baby, singing a song, how do you do?

How you doing?

How you guys at this table?

How you doing?

All right, everybody gather round.

It's a chug-a-lug contest, and it's going to

be fair and square because Zelda's going to referee.

This is for the grand, once and for all, who's

better than who, championship between Valentine and Fitzgerald.

And there'll be no talking about cheating when it's over.

You got that, Fitzgerald?

Okay.

Ready, set, go.

Hey, spinny, give me that bottle of cactus whiskey you got there.

You're getting kind of careless who you let drink in this place, ain't you?

It can't be too particular, Tucker.

You'd go thirsty for life.

Well, kids, hey, you know what I heard today?

No, but you must have just heard it a second

ago, but still remember it.

I heard that the Army's going to replace all you

hawmp soldiers with just one little bitty old prospector.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah!

He just won't listen to reason on this, Jennifer.

Why do you say that?

I don't know.

Supposedly he's worried about Jeff Davis' career and

his career and

something about a newspaper that tried to ruin him once,

and he's afraid if they get ahold of this,

they'll do it again.

Oh, that.

Yeah, that.

Hey, what is that, anyway?

I can't, Howard.

I really can't.

I promised him I wouldn't talk about it.

The newspaper really never mentioned his name, but they made

it look pretty embarrassing for Zachary and the president.

Daddy thinks they took it personally and stationed him out here because of it.

Did they?

Probably.

I got nothing but the utmost respect for those poor,

dumb, stupid, stinking, misshapen, unwilling...

foul mouthed..

humbacked creations of unsightliness!

It's a polecat sittin' ride that I got no stomach for.

Officer's got stomachs, Tucker.

You got a belly and a big one.

Why, you little pipsqueak!

What are we waiting for, boys?

Let's get 'em!

All right.

Y'all know the rules.

No gunplay, no knives, no clobberin' with anything bigger than a chair.

All breakage will be paid for on the spot.

My whiskey stock, the windows, the rooms upstairs are off-limits.

And any man fool enough

to break my bar mirror from St. Louis

will get his head blowed off.

We know the rules, Smitty.

I haven't seen a good old-fashioned Stolybrook in absolutely ages!

Ready or not, gentlemen!

Worst part about it is,

I really started believing in this project.

I mean, these camels are incredible animals.

Weird-looking, strange habits and all.

We've got a lot to learn about them yet, but

I think Davis was right in the first place.

I think this project's got a great chance of success.

And it's the first thing I've ever really believed in and ever

really wanted to do, in

in forever, I guess.

You don't expect me to believe that, do you?

Well, do you?

I mean, here you are, moaning and groaning about believing

in things and wanting things and all you're doing is moaning and groaning.

You're not doing anything about it.

And apparently you don't plan on doing anything about it.

So how do you expect me to believe you?

I really thought there was more to you than this, Howard.

I really did.

You haven't failed.

You've given up.

Good night, Howard.

That's getting too close, Logan.

You're out of the bar.

Oh, come on, Smitty.

I didn't mean to.

I said you're out.

Get upstairs on the rail.

Somebody's gone too far.

Going for my mirror and a good rye whiskey at the same time.

All right, that's enough.

I said that's enough.

You guys are getting too careless.

So this brawl is officially over.

And that goes for you, too.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

- Howard - Good morning, Jennifer.

I'm here to see your father.

He's shaving.

Howard, you can't go in there.

Howard, what's gotten into you?

Don't you know how to knock, Clement?

Colonel,

I can't allow you to send that CRM-114 to Davis.

This project is too important to be terminated without a

chance to prove itself decisively right or wrong.

Washington sent me out here to

carry out this experiment to a

legitimate conclusion, and I intend to do so.

Washington wants proof,

and I intend to give it to them.

So

I propose a dramatic test,

fitting horse against camel,

an overland race.

A race?

A race between Tucker's men on horses and mine on camels.

We'll race all the way to Dos Rios.

300 rugged, treacherous miles.

An equal number of men and supplies.

And a dramatic proof of the camels' capabilities.

Or lack of them.

Well, Colonel?

What do you say?

Negative.

Get out of my bedroom.

Boom.

What was that, Clement?

Clements.

Why are you staring at me?

I'm not supposed to tell you, sir.

You're not supposed to tell me why you're staring at me?

I'm not supposed to tell you

why I'm here.

Well, I wish you would.

I just told you to get out.

Well, I'm supposed to keep the lid on this thing

until the proper time, but

you seem to leave me no choice.

I hope the

president will understand.

The, uh...

President?

You know, my boys is gonna sail by that outfit

of yours like a roadrunner past a coyote.

Coyotes eat roadrunners.

Yeah, but they gotta catch them first.

Uh-huh.

We'll be ready to go very shortly, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

We are ready to leave, sir.

Mount your troop, Lieutenant.

Mount up!

Mount up!

Boom.

Boom, sir.

Well, old chap,

I do wish I were going along with you.

Well, I wish you were too, Hi Jolly.

Just, uh, stay out of that saloon

till we get back.

Indeed, indeed.

You know, there's an old proverb that goes,

May Allah guide your way,

and may the breath of a thousand camels

be always at your...

back.

Well, take care.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Here's your book.

Oh, yeah.

You might need it.

And, uh, I thought you might like to take this along.

Molasses?

Molasses.

Well, bye.

Bye.

Take care.

Oh, yeah!

Wow!

Oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.

Oh my.

Oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.

Prepare to fire!

Stand by.

Fire!

It's gone, Clarence!

They're leaving you behind!

What's he doing?

Pacing, Daddy.

They have endurance and time on their side.

It's a little like the tortoise and the hare, Colonel Hawkins.

A little like the tortoise and the hare.

Get loose of me!

d Where am I going?

d What am I gonna do?

d Will I ever see my dreamin' come true.

d I'm not about to be a loser

d And you never went along.

d I just heard an encouraging word.

d So I don't wanna go home

d Westward bound, how lucky can you be?

d I feel the wheel of fortune turnin' around for me

d I just might be a hero

d So I don't wanna go home

d I don't wanna

d go home. - Here you big white slug. Get up!

Move. Let's move!

Fitzgerald, Blarney Stone, go kiss it.

Get Valentine up.

Got a race to run here.

Lieutenant, time to get up, sir.

Time to get up.

All right, we got a race to run.

You guys get your coffee, get your bedrolls, roll up,

get them on them camels, and let's get out of here.

Sarge.

Yeah, sorry, sir.

Tucker and his men are only a couple of miles ahead of us.

Good.

Not for Tucker and his men.

They're in jail.

They're in jail?

They're in jail, sir.

Well, how could they be in jail?

Well, it's easy in Dagger Flats.

Dagger Flats.

Is that where we are?

What's Dagger Flats?

It's an outlaw haven.

A real outlaw haven.

You gotta be on the wanted list just to live there.

Yeah, they don't do nothing to you for breaking the law,

but they put you in jail for keeping it.

That's outrageous.

That's what Tucker and his men probably think.

They're hanging them in the morning.

Hanging?

Yes, sir.

I'm guessing you'll want to change our

course and thereby avoid Dagger Flats.

Well, we can't just leave them there.

Can we?

Well, with Tucker, it sure is tempting.

Hey, Sarge.

There are two men up ahead coming this way.

What size are they?

They look about right.

Well, they'll be our passport.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Sergeant.

I think we ought to change course

and thereby avoid Dagger Flats.

I told you it was tempting.

Come on, let's get down there before I change my mind.

How are we doing?

We're still alive.

So far.

Come on.

I don't believe this.

Just stay alert.

Hey.

I bet that fellow knows where Tucker's bunch is.

Yep. Let me do the talking.

Right.

Howdy.

Looks like you're going to have a little party.

What might you be?

Tibbs.

Ramblin' Uriah Tibbs.

Are you the Tibbs that robbed the bank in Abilene

and killed ten citizens and four U.S. Marshals and maimed a horse?

No.

I'm the Tibbs that robbed the Oberlin Payroll.

Shot it out with Marshal Frank Johnson.

Killed five of his deputies.

Blew his leg off with a .40 caliber Cap'n Ball Buffalo rifle.

Dragged him out behind a mesquite bush to let him die.

Pleased to meet you.

I'm Jack Cutter.

Bad Jack Cutter.

I rode formerly with Derange Douglas and his boys back

in 53 when we rode across Wyoming, plundering and killing

and otherwise wreaking death and destruction.

I've killed 17 men and robbed countless banks and stages.

My calling card is this belt I wear, which I

made from the skin of a six-foot rattler whose

head I bit off on a bet.

That's disgusting.

Who's your friend?

Oh, uh, Clemens.

I murder and rob, stuff like that.

Don't pay him no mind.

He's just starting out.

Say, uh, who you gonna hang up?

Oh, a bunch of fool soldiers that rode in this

afternoon acting like they was in a powerful hurry.

We've detained them in our jail, so we're gonna hang

them in the morning.

Why don't you boys stick around for the fun?

Oh, yeah, we might just do that.

Where's your jail at, anyway?

I like to feast my eyes on

them varmints of law and order.

Last building up the street there.

Much obliged.

Tucker!

Tibs?

Oh, thank God, Tibs.

You gotta get us out of here.

They're gonna hang us.

You gotta do something.

Don't let them hang us.

I don't wanna hang.

You gotta save me, please, Tibs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a brave man, Tucker, a brave man.

Yeah.

Take those guns and pass them out and get ready

to come through the window.

- Here, guys. - Take that.

Hurry up.

Get us out.

Please, please.

Hurry up.

Pick up slack.

Let's go help.

- Okay. - All right.

Come on, fella.

Harder.

Kick him hard.

Please.

Well, that didn't work.

Oh, shoot.

Wouldn't you know it, them bandits built an escape-proof jail.

Never mind. I got a better idea. Come on, Tibs.

Hey, wait.

Where you going?

Hey, don't leave me.

Hey, I'll change.

I'll be a better man.

I'll...

I'll...

I'll...

Oh, shoot.

Tucker.

Tibs, oh, praise the Lord.

- I knowed you'd come back. - Just shut up, will you?

- Just shut up. - Yeah, yeah.

When these bars come out, the whole town's gonna come down on us.

So everybody's gotta stick together.

Anybody gets split up from the group is gonna be a gonner for sure.

- Right, Tibs. Right old pal, buddy. - Right.

Best friend I've ever had.

There you are.

I've been looking for you fellas.

What are you doing around back here?

Uh, we were, uh...

We were just having a little...

A little sport here.

Well, I can't complain about a man getting his exercise.

Say, I was wondering if you fellas might meet us down at the cantina.

We're putting together a new gang.

I need a couple of men that'll work cheap

for the experience.

Well,

we're kind of tired.

So, uh,

why don't you go ahead without us?

Maybe we don't want to go ahead without you.

No, of course not.

You don't want to go ahead without us.

After all, we're the two of the best men...

Two of the worst men in these parts.

It's just that, uh...Well,

we need to get loosened up from the trip.

Well, don't mess them up so bad they won't hang good.

Oh, no.

No, we won't do that.

We won't mess them up.

We won't mess them up will we rambling?

No, sir.

I promise you that.

I'll tell you what.

Uh, we'll meet you down there at the cantina.

Uh, very soon.

Just as, uh...

Well, as soon as we get

loosened up from the trip.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Pretty good, huh?

Well, it got rid of him.

About got us killed.

Come here.

Take her up.

Here we go.

Okay. Come on.

Get Tucker on his feet.

Come on, guys.

Get together here now.

Let's all get together.

All right.

One more.

Take the slack off.

Come on, Sheba.

All right, Sheba.

Do your stuff. Pull, Sheba.

Come on, Sheba.

Pull, girl. Pull, baby.

Come on, Sheba. Pull, baby.

Pull. Come on, girl.

You're doing it.

Hey!

Every man for himself!

Hey, come on.

Get back.

Get back in there. Where you going?

Come on. Get back there.

Come on. Get back!

You're going to miss your hangin'!

He just maimed me. I want to kill him myself.

We got off the top of him all of a sudden.

Where'd he come from?

Hey, Tucker!

Cover us. We fall back.

Tucker, you hear me?

Well, that slithering snake slipped right out.

Tucker!

No, he didn't. Here he comes.

Tucker!

Come back here, Tucker!

Tucker, you and your bunch of guinea hens, get back here!

How are we going to get out of this, Sergeant?

Oh, a pine box.

If we can't think of something fast.

I bet Sheba could carry us both out.

Without any cover.

By the time we get to her, we'd look like a sieve.

I'm sorry I got you into this, Tibbs.

You're all alone now, boys.

Did you shoot us?

Looks like the devils of the Lord have come to get us!

Come on back here, you dirty lion!

Come on back!

Come back, you dirty lion!

I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna kill you!

Come on over there!

Nobody makes a fool of Bad Jack Cutter!

All those guinea hens!

All right!

Hang on! Hang on!

Hang on! Get me a horse!

Wait for me!

I'm comming!

Any luck?

No, sir.

We looked all over for that camel.

We can't find her nowhere.

I don't suppose you found the water barrels, did you?

No, sir.

Well, get some rest.

Can we get a drink?

Half a cup and that's all.

Put your camel away first.

Okay. Come on, T.J.

Come on.

Drake, make sure that barrel doesn't tip over, okay?

Well, sir, I plugged up the bullet hole.

At least I saved some of the water.

The other barrel was almost empty by the time we got to Dagger Flats.

The big blow is losing that pack camel.

She had three full barrels of water.

I know. I know.

But according to my calculations, we're right here.

And directly to the northwest

is a pool or a stream of some kind.

How do you figure that?

Geology.

What?

Geology. Here, I'll show you.

According to this book, there should be a seasonal runoff in these mountains.

So I figure that a pool or a stream has

to have formed here because of the configuration of the mountain.

Look, Lieutenant, I don't know anything about geology,

but I do know that it says right here, water hole.

Yeah, but we don't have to go that far out of our way.

See, we can pick up water here,

and it's a straight shot right into Dos Rios.

Lieutenant, if there's water at the foot of this mountain,

it would say water at the foot of this mountain.

But on the other hand, it says water hole right

here, and that's where we ought to go.

You don't understand, Sergeant, and I understand that.

Maybe I don't understand.

But if we stake our lives on what you say,

and we go up to the mountain looking for water,

and there ain't no water there,

we'll find the reason that it don't say water hole on the map there

because there ain't no water there.

Then what do we do?

Dance in the dust?

Mount up, men.

Lieutenant says we're going to change course and head to the water hole.

Let's move out.

Elroy.

Huh.

Is this it?

I'm afraid so.

You mean this is what it's like to be sober?

Hey, Sarge.

Elroy fell off his camel again.

Go get him, Logan.

We gotta be getting close, Sergeant.

But I just can't tell about these landmarks in the dark.

Maybe we ought to stop for the night.

I don't think the men can go on much longer.

No.

No, Sergeant.

I don't go with a cutter.

No.

No, he's going to kill me.

No, please don't.

What was that?

The lieutenant.

Lieutenant, you all right?

Lieutenant.

Uh-oh.

I wonder how long that thing's been here.

That is a low, down, filthy lie.

This ain't no watering hole.

It's nothing but sand.

We're going to die out here.

We ain't never getting back.

We ain't never going to see civilization again.

And I'm going to die...

...sober.

This being sober is exhausting.

Well,

the thing to do...

...is to head back toward the river...

...and pray with what little water we got left...

...we can make it before, uh...

And what if we don't make it...

...before?

I say no.

We'll head toward that mountain.

You men, uh...

...pack up your gear.

Go on, pack it up.

Lieutenant...

...in all due respect...

...I know the water hole was my idea.

But now we got no choice.

We got to go for a sure thing.

We got to head back...

...toward the river.

We know there's water there.

We can't make it.

Well, if we don't make it...

...at least we know it's there.

That's more than we know about your mountain, which is

...in the opposite direction of the river.

Sergeant, I know there's water at that mountain.

Are you willing to risk eight lives on it?

Yes, Sergeant, I am.

Well, I'm not.

And we're heading toward home.

That's not the way the Army's supposed to work.

Look, I'm sorry, Lieutenant...

...but they're my men, my responsibilities.

Okay.

All right.

Here's a compromise.

If you rested in the daytime and traveled at night...

...that'd save on the water, wouldn't it?

Probably so.

Good.

Just give me a little sundown.

I'm not back with the water then.

You have my permission to go to the river.

Well, that's suicide, Lieutenant. You can't do it.

I won't let you.

You're responsible for the men, Sergeant.

Not for me.

I'll leave immediately.

Well, you can't carry the water barrel.

We need that pack camel to carry our supplies...

...and the water that we got left, see?

So you can't do it. You can't make it.

Lieutenant,

I'd like to apologize...

...for that little display down there.

That's all right.

Thank you, sir.

That's all right, Fitzgerald.

Lieutenant.

Fitzgerald.

Sir.

I know how you feel about Valentine, but...

... I'm going to go scout for water.

And I need Valentine to carry the barrel.

You go with the Lieutenant.

I'll take care of it, Fitzgerald.

Yes, sir.

Remember, Sergeant...

...sundown. Yes, sir.

I think you're crazy, but good luck.

Sheba.

Water.

Water.

I did it.

I really did it.

Sheba.

Valentine.

We did it.

I was right.

I was right. I was really right for change.

I can't believe it.

Water.

We're all saddled up and ready to go, Sarge.

Well, let's get going.

The men kind of took a vote, Sarge.

We'd like to give him a little more time.

Look, he's more than an hour late already.

If we're going to save ourselves, we're going to have to get

down to mount up.

Okay, Sarge.

Okay, men.

Sarge says mount up.

Why couldn't he have been right?

Just this once.

Boys. Boys, look, it's Valentine.

She's come back. Here's Valentine.

What? Valentine.

Valentine.

- Come on. - Go get her, quick.

Grab her.

Get a hold of her.

Boy, that's the best water I've ever tasted.

I never thought I'd see water that looked better than whiskey.

Oh, but it does.

What do you know about whiskey?

You haven't seen that in a long time, have you?

Thank you, Valentine.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

There's Sheba.

Sheba.

Sheba.

What do you think happened to him?

I don't know.

You think he's dead, Sarge?

I said I don't know.

We're gonna find out.

We're going after him.

Come on, Cutter.

You'd like that, wouldn't you, soldier boy?

Huh?

Well, don't you worry.

I'm gonna kill you in due time.

In due time, soldier boy.

I'm gonna pick you off piece by piece.

I want you to suffer.

I want you to lay there naming all the children

you ain't never gonna have.

I want you to dream all them places you ain't never gonna see.

And all that joy and the fun that you're gonna be too dead

to appreciate.

You going to stop messing around?

I'm comming to get you.

You're gonna die, soldier boy!

You're gonna die!

Slow!

That shot was from a .45-70 Sharps Buffalo gun.

Long devil, ain't it?

But I ain't gonna use that one to kill you.

Now...

Um, let's see.

Uh...

Yeah.

I think I'll use my .44 Colt Texas Patterson.

No.

No, I used that one to kill Tony Barr.

He was a friend of mine.

I can't kill you with that one out of respect for Tony.

I got it!

I'll use this .45 Beasley Stag Handle that my mother gave me.

Ha, ha, ha!

Ready or not...

Here I come!

Ha, ha, ha!

I'm gonna blow off your toes one by one!

I'm gonna cut out your liver and feed it to the buzzards!

I'm gonna skin you!

And I'm gonna resole my boots with your hide!

I'm gonna cut off your head and put it in a hat box!

Then I'm gonna mail it to the president!

Courtesy of Bob Jack Cutter!

I'm ready!

I'm loose!

I'm walking death and destruction!

That's far enough.

Jack Cutter, I demand your surrender in the name of

the United States Army and President Millard Fillmore.

I told you I'd kill you, told you, boy!

Ha, ha, ha!

You're too late!

You're too late!

Ha, ha, ha!

I told ya I'd kill ya.

Hang on, Lieutenant!

Ha, ha, ha!

For once, the cavalry is too late!

Ha, ha, ha!

Come on, soldier boy!

You're too late!

You're too late!

You're too late!

Where's the Lieutenant?

I don't care if you hang me.

It was worth it.

This is the happiest day of my life.

You're too late!

I killed him!

Drop him in a hole.

Yes, sir.

He got himself killed

so we could have water.

In my book,

that makes him the bravest man I ever known.

He came out here

just because he didn't know nothing

about the way we do things.

We thought him a fool.

He proved to be...

the best man among us.

Now he's gone.

Cutter's gone?

No, you idiot! Clemens is gone!

Clemens?

I think so.

I'm not sure. I feel like I've been kicked by a mule.

Ow!

He's all right!

Lieutenant, easy boy.

I told you some water was here.

What happened? Cutter said he shot you.

He shot me, all right.

Boy, did he ever shoot me.

Oh, for God's sake.

Did he get hit?

Hit me!

He's alive!

He can't be alive!

I killed him!

It ain't fair!

It just ain't fair!

How come the good guys always win?

Push him out, Cutter!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, lookie here.

Here's the hero.

Look at that.

Look at what he's got.

You know, there's some kind of poetic justice in this book being the one.

Doggone it!I knew them books was good for something.

I just knew they were.

It's a good thing you bought that abridged edition.

Come on, man. Let's ride.

We got some stinking horse soldiers.

Hey. That's right.

Hold it. Hold it, men.

I appreciate your spirit, but

well, we've lost way too much time already.

We'll never catch them. I'll tell you what I think we should do.

Listen, I'll tell you what I think we should do.

The lieutenant has forgot

that them boys are on just ordinary, old-fashioned horses.

Yeah, we got camels.

We can take them.

We will take them.

We'll do the race for you, lieutenant.

We're never gonna win a horse.

Ordinary, old-fashioned horses.

It that his wagon?

It is his wagon.

Tucker's wagon.

- It is Tucker's wagon. - He can't be too far ahead.

Let's go.

Let's go. We got it now.

Sarge, we gotta rest.

We just gotta rest.

Dos Rios are just over the next rise.

We'll rest when we get there, and no sooner.

Oh, boy, I can hardly wait till I see the

look on Tim's face when he rides into town and

sees us sitting there drinking beer.

Mount up!

We gotta catch them!

Mount up!

What's the matter with you guys?

I said mount up!

If you don't mount up, I'll have you all court marshaled.

Tim!

Shoot.

They're coming.

They're comming.

They're right behind me.

Mr Mayor, they're comming. They're right behind me.

And the camels are winning.

The camels?

Race!

Bones, we got the wrong banner.

Alex, go change the banner.

Get the other banner.

Quick, quick.

Hortense, they're coming.

Hortense, the key.

They're coming.

Manny, start the band.

I haven't had this much fun since...

Good morning, Erwin.

The town looks great.

Katie, how are you, darling?

Oh, ladies, this is splendid.

Hurry up with the banner there.

Manny, are you ready?

Look, get ready, everybody. Look!

Here they come!

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, no!

Hortense!

I have always sacrificed for my constituents.

But this is ridiculous.

I may leave public life.

Lieutenant Clemens of the Texas Cavalry Corps.

Well, congratulations, Lieutenant, on a fine victory.

The citizens of Dos Rios are proud and honored that

- you and your men... - Are you Lieutenant Clemens?

Excuse me, what?

Are you Lieutenant Clemens?

Why, yes, son, I am.

A telegram from Colonel Hawkins.

Oh, a telegram from Colonel Hawkins.

Let's see.

It says, congratulations on a fine victory and a job well done.

How about that fellas?

It goes on to say, Congress has approved funds to

extend the road all the way to California.

For that reason, your project is canceled...

And you're to turn the camels loose in the desert to fend for themselves.

Is that what it says?

Turn the camels loose in the desert to fend for themselves.

As I was saying, the citizens of Dos Rios are proud...

You can't turn them loose.

They'd die.

You can't do that to us.

These are our camels.

Lieutenant, we took the horses.

We'll take on the railroads.

We'll have a great race from here to California.

Why not?

Yes, Lieutenant.

All the way to California.

We don't need the railroads.

After that, I never had much affection for the railroad.

Because of it, a great experiment had come to an unfortunate end.

The rest is history.

Colonel Hawkins went off to South Carolina...

Where he assumed a much-desired artillery post near Fort Sumter.

Oh, I remember that part.

Me too.

He's our great-grandpa.

Yes, and he's the one who fired the shot that

started the Civil War.

That's right.

But that's another story.

It all started one day...

When your great-grandpappy was outside Fort Sumter...

Taking his customary artillery practice.

Howard, for goodness sakes, let Daddy rest in peace.

Now, get everybody washed up for dinner.

My goodness, I did run on, didn't I?

Well, mind you, Grandma, run along, wash up for dinner.

I like that story.

Oh, I like it better than anybody tells it.

Howard!

Howard!

Howard, would you come here?

We ain't gonna have no supper time tonight.

Valentine's down at the barn having a baby.

- Tibbs. - What?

How can you think of food at a time like this?

I don't know why these hawumps always pick supper time to reproduce.

Lieutenant, I have a dandy idea.

What's that, Fitzgerald?

Why don't we move the barn up closer to the house?

Now, why would we want to do that?

Now, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or anything...

But every day, I walk a mile for these camels.

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