Original subtitles

Who continues with "queen for a day"?

Now what do you want if you're elected our queen, Mrs. Bugler?

You're up to bat. You tell us, will you?

I'd like some muskrat traps and a taxidermy set.

Are you gonna stuff birds?

Well, anything I can get stuffed

that I catch in the trap.

You have to please your husband and family some days.

I've gone hunting with him quite a bit.

Now, Mrs. Swanson... Thank you... what do you want

if you're elected our queen? Will you tell me please?

Ooh, I'd like a motor overhaul.

My old jalopy is about all in.

What kind of jalopy do you have?

- Honey. Sweetie-pie. - '46 Pontiac.

A '46 Pontiac. Well, that's good.

What seems to be the matter with your car?

- You almost forgot. - It's just coughing itself out.

It's just all in.

- Just on its last wheeze. - That's right.

- And you're a good lady driver, are you? - Yes.

Did you drive to work... did you drive to the show today?

- - Yes, and I got a traffic ticket.

First one in a year.

You... what? The first one?

The first one this year.

Some...

Of this year. Well, you just made it.

And here it is, safe-driving day.

What did you do? Some man driver get in your way?

Hey, you idiot! I'm gonna park there!

Will you move?!

Get out of there,

you slob!

Chester desoto. I called.

Yes, sir. I remember.

Chester and Bridget desoto.

You want two rooms?

That'll be $40.

- Where the nearest phone? - There's one in every room.

Yeah? Fancy.

Bridey can call all the people she knows in anaheim.

Call your mom. Didn't your mom used to live near anaheim?

Her mom's dead.

I'll show you to your rooms.

- That won't be necessary. - It's no trouble at all.

- Why bother? - He's being polite, palooka.

Hey, why don't you stick your face in the fan?

- It'd feel good. - You're so erogenous.

Hey, ixnay on the fancy words.

- Duh. - Yeah yeah, right.

Keep talking. We're listening.

How far is it to Disneyland?

It's about four miles.

I can't wait

to see Disneyland.

Well, you certainly came to the right place for it.

- What? What is it? - It's... it's a jet plane,

you know, breaking the sound barrier.

Get down! It's starting!

It's a jet airplane, Chester.

- Whose? - The air force base is right by here.

We don't hear this sort of thing in hill haven grove place.

Would you get up off the ground, toadstool?

You won't know. You won't know when you hear an atomic bomb,

because you've never heard one before.

I think it'll work faster than this.

He had a psychological experience in Korea.

Can you tell one jet from another?

- No. - So you mean you don't know

when you hear one if it's one of theirs?

- No. - It must drive you insane.

Yeah, give me congress 2-7-6.

Arnie. Yeah, Chester.

Yeah, it sure is. Hotter than Havana.

Listen, Arnie, I was thinking.

I've got an extra motel room down here.

How come we don't get the guys to meet down here tomorrow night?

No, Arnie, it's a family motel.

Don't you think after all these years

you can trust me to keep the spotless image

of the tiny plastic toy company?

Yeah yeah, sure.

Yeah, see you tomorrow.

Mr. Desoto, we do have some rules here.

No phonographs and no noise after dark.

Do you have a bomb shelter?

Hey, love, I may have to bum one of your king-size filters.

I'm out of my real cigarettes.

Where's the closest place to eat?

The java hut. It's just down here.

Yeah, I could use some shredded wheat.

This java place... expensive?

Listen to the big spender.

Big business convention, all expenses paid,

big vacation in sunny californ-i-a.

Can it. Nobody's interested in hearing you.

- Says who? - Says me.

- You wanna bet? - Yeah, I'll bet.

Your other room is upon the third floor if you'd like to...

See? No one in the world's thinking about you.

Well, I'm thinking about you, sweetheart,

and I'm thinking about what a lousy, low-down,

rotten, dirty, good-for-nothing,

crummy, stupid,

stinking, ugly, dumb,

useless, brainless...

gutless, lifeless,

weakling, knucklehead,

erogenous...

- coffee? - Yeah, and a hot dog with the works.

Do you have any carnation evaporated milk?

No, we have real milk.

Make it a vanilla phosphate.

Mind if I borrow the paper?

Sure.

Read up on our latest Russian roulette.

And an order of fries... Make that to go.

Burns you up, doesn't it?

Yeah, I heard one of their mig fighters overhead today,

honest to god. All these godless,

pinko eggheads keep up their pugwash

about the poor Hungarians, the poor Lebanese,

the poor everyone else.

I say burn the poor.

Now that's what I call courage.

All right. Now keep it down.

I hear your friends call you deadpan.

Either that or bop-to-boptop-babado-wow.

Cute.

Here's why I called.

I got your name from Dr. Kildakeri.

He warned me about your instability,

your tendencies to violence and record as a peeping Tom.

Don't buzz me, boondock.

Talk English. I've got a business proposition here.

I want someone to find out some information on my wife.

Take this as a down payment.

Get yourself some new clothes.

I want you to pretend you're normal,

find out where she goes, who she sees.

The old dick routine?

Don't touch her.

I can't hire a professional detective. She could trace that.

Why me?

The psychiatrist told me that you took the rap for a girlfriend.

You covered for her when she killed someone.

She betrayed you, didn't she?

Eric, the usual.

That broad was a bitch,

and you're blowing my jets.

I hear you're in trouble again.

Why?

Why should I meld with you, daddy-o?

Look. I'm here incognito.

I'm not about to go to the cops, am I?

I tried to change my I.D., see?

A whole new me.

Faked my own death.

Now the cops think I'm a suspect

for the murder of my old self.

That's bad luck.

They can't find a body.

I don't like your riffs here, jitterbug...

Talking to my witch doctor, nosing into my life before you ever met me.

I was looking for a certain personality type...

Them is $2 words.

The type that knows that women can't be trusted.

And sometimes women

may have to be corrected.

If you think I'll gamble with my parole

just so you can get off some kind of revenge,

you've got smog in the noggin.

Why should I take that risk?

That'll be 98¢, sir.

Your to-go order's at the register.

Keep the change.

Thanks.

I'll sneak up to a keyhole, but I'm not opening any doors.

And don't give me any of your lovesick blues.

Come on, deadpan.

You've been two-timed yourself

by a woman you loved.

My revenge was just forgetting her.

Yeah, well, maybe she was forgettable,

but bridey isn't.

And I think she's out there cheating on me.

I want it stopped.

Stop. I... I can hardly breathe.

Wait. Wait.

I've been waiting for two days.

Auggie, take me.

Take me to Disneyland.

I wish I could.

If I were away from his low-rent mind...

Sometimes when he gets real angry,

he scares me. I don't know.

I get these distant early warnings inside.

Come on. You don't think he's suspicious.

You don't know Chester.

True.

You hardly know me.

Do you realize this is only the third time we've been alone together?

But it's only the first time we've been able to...

To act, if we ever get around to acting.

Where's the liquor?

I'm burning.

I feel like I'm living behind an iron curtain

with that human creeping thing.

Shh. Don't think about him.

The nights get longer.

I take 100 sleeping pills

and I'm still lying beside him...

Shh.

thinking about you, my place in society...

I know, I know.

How we're all slowly dying

and wishing Chester would hurry up.

You're dwelling on it, honey.

We're gonna help him, aren't we, auggie?

You brought it up. You said we'd help him finish dying.

Well, it was our first kiss.

I mean, I got a little carried away.

That's why I asked you to meet me here.

The only reason?

The first reason.

So you mean you're chickening out?

No, I mean...

You know, someday

when we have some spare time, maybe.

Where the hell did you get that?!

- It's his. - Well, get rid of it!

Auggie, he scares me.

He's a twerp.

You got a light, mister?

Yeah.

I'll light it.

Turn your back. I'm not decent.

Hot night, isn't it?

I thought I told you to turn your back.

Sorry.

You don't look sorry.

- Pardon me? - Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Umm...

You all by yourself?

Good night, mister.

Aren't you going in?

It's a thrill.

Yeah, it looks thrilling.

Of course, my husband won't go in.

Jungle Jim's afraid of the chemicals in the water.

Remember when I said I loved you until death do us part?

- I didn't believe it. - That's good, 'cause I lied.

You know, sometimes I look out at a highway

and feel sort of sad inside.

That's a gas.

Hey, curse of the lost continent,

there's something very interesting to look at right now.

I'm not gonna tell you where it is.

You know, pooper, you are so out to lunch.

You must be the only man in the world

still scared of chemicals.

I mean, here they're saving the world...

The polio vaccine, all kinds of antihistamines

- and antibiotics, - germ warfare.

So? I don't know what you have to be so pessimistic about.

Life can't get any worse for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, if the bombs fall...

Your kind of gentlemen prefer bombs.

Bombs fall, we go back to cavemen

and you'll feel right at home, you mow mow.

Why don't you just leave me alone?

Boy, he is jumpy.

You've got to be more loose, Chester! It's vacation!

I love looseness.

Pardon me?

I tease him a lot...

I noticed.

Just to keep things interesting.

Does it work?

Nah.

Things aren't interesting?

You ever hear of radioactivity?

Yeah.

I think radioactivity is neat.

I like the sound of it. You know why?

They say radioactive things have a half-life as they decay.

I think I'm radioactive.

What do you think I am, an animal?!

Excuse me! I mean...

Smooth setup.

Syncopated with all your neighbors in antsville.

A community pillar.

It'd be a real tearjerker

if it got around you had a sexual perversion.

What in god's name are you talking about?

Satori.

Listen. I only use that to look at sputnik.

You don't need a telescope for that.

That's the whole idea.

- The naked eye. - Who do you think you are?

Hey, dig, man. I work for the legion of decency.

Are you cooking with me now, man?

We don't like cats peeping into bedrooms...

That's the most revolting thing I've ever heard in my life.

- Staring down women's bathing suits. - Stop it.

But you can't stop it, can you?

It's freudian, man.

You're psychosomatically trapped,

like someone in "the Kinsey report."

- It's the women. It's not me. - I know.

- They're lying around... - Half-naked...

- Sun-bleached hair... - Teenagers...

- Tanning in the sun. - That woman, bridey!

- Yeah. Yeah. - I can't wait till tonight.

You're kokomo.

You're full-up wiggy. Yabba doo badaba dow.

Space cats on Mars.

Hey, daddy.

There are some rhythms

man was not meant to swing.

Please.

What do you want? Money?

I want you to look away... dig?

When I go visit bridey some bright night.

I didn't realize you knew Mrs. Desoto.

Just keep watching the sky

like a good little asteroid

and keep your mouth shut...

Unless you want to end up in some senate subcommittee hearing.

I want to thank our regional sales manager

Chester desoto, and his lovely wife

for helping us tonight to economize

by holding our meeting in their bedroom.

That's the kind of streamlined thinking I like.

Like our motto says,

"hit the four-minute mile..."

"But never let 'em walk."

Thank you, Mr. Charcoal.

Now I have a philosophy when dealing with retailers

in today's competitive marketplace.

And I'm willing to bet that the big boys on Madison Avenue

also know these three very simple laws.

Everyone wants to buy a friend,

everyone needs to hear himself talk

and everyone loves a sucker.

Excuse me.

When I approach a customer,

I am the sucker.

I followed Chester to a clinic.

He's been going through the files of convicted killers.

Hey, Chester bought a gun.

He's studying criminals,

I think you're right.

Chester's planning to do something bad

and it's got to do with you.

Bridey.

Meet me at the golf course.

Where do you think you're going, pinhead?

Nuts to you, trigger.

I'm going to a ball.

Yeah? You think you're gonna go meet someone?

You smell like a dime store.

Maybe I ought to sell tickets to you.

Face it. You'll never make a sight for sore eyes.

When I have company, people over,

I expect my wife to play hostess.

Why? So I can listen to the philosophy

of the tiny plastic toy company?

I know. You don't sell the product,

you sell yourself, right?

That's real plenitude.

You realize if you go out,

you're only leaving yourself more wide open if the bomb falls.

Tough beans.

I have to cha-cha. I have to rumba.

Hot, ain't it?

Either that or I'll go play miniature golf.

Chester, are we having a meeting or what?

Give me those.

Fine, I'll walk.

Crawl.

I'll be glad to take you.

♪ My tongue gets sticky and slurry ♪

♪ my voice drops an octave or two ♪

♪ my eyes see double and blurry ♪

♪ whenever I set eyes on you ♪

♪ I get high

♪ I get high as a highball on the rocks ♪

♪ you must excuse me if I look a little woozy ♪

♪ but I can't stop this intoxication ♪

♪ if I am drunk, lover

♪ it's just from the love of you ♪

♪ my cup runneth over

♪ but just from the love of you ♪

♪ can't help it

♪ can't deny it...

♪ I've melted

♪ you really ought to try it ♪

♪ you go to my head like champagne ♪

♪ you boil my blood like brew ♪

♪ my mouth's as dry as sandpaper ♪

♪ I think I need a couple fingers of you ♪

♪ I get wet, wet as I get ♪

♪ I could wet my whistle if you will ♪

♪ the devil gave a choice, he said, "name your poison" ♪

♪ but I can't get my fill of the vapor that I chose ♪

♪ and if I am drunk, lover

♪ it's just from the love of you ♪

♪ I have thunk it over ♪

♪ I'm sunk in the love of you ♪

♪ get happy

♪ you're a zombie

♪ a Manhattan

♪ and you're a real smooth Brandy... ♪

Where's the lucky groom?

Now now.

He'll come back.

Can't you get in your room?

Men are bastards.

I'm sorry.

No.

You're absolutely right.

♪ I don't believe in prohibition ♪

♪ but I do believe that sober is smart ♪

♪ I do have a few inhibitions ♪

♪ they like to stop me before I start ♪

♪ I get tired

♪ I get tired, uptight and stuck to the floor ♪

♪ but you're the beverage I could use for leverage ♪

♪ if I only get a shot... ♪

- - ♪ of the love that you pour ♪

♪ if I can only get a shot of your love ♪

♪ quaff a little love from the lip of your mug ♪

♪ if I could suck a little love from your lips ♪

♪ a jigger of love with a twist ♪

♪ just a little sip I tell you ♪

♪ if I am drunk, lover

♪ it's just from the love of you ♪

♪ don't leave me hung over ♪

♪ I'll never get over you ♪

♪ you've got it

♪ and I want it

♪ I fought it

♪ now you've gotta believe me ♪

♪ you're giving me the d.T.S ♪

♪ please don't teetotal me

♪ my baby

♪ you've got to be my speakeasy. ♪

It's so neat.

They have fantasyland and frontierland.

Yeah, I know.

- I've been there. - You have? Really?

Take me there.

I wish I could.

I wish you could too.

Did you read a passenger jet just crossed the Atlantic?

Flying saucers all over the place

and here we sit, drowned in gravity.

You'll get to Disneyland,

I mean, if that's your big dream.

I have a lot of dreams.

I'd like to have a split-level house on quarry road,

and that's just this place.

Your husband can't afford it?

I don't know what that old toolbag does with all our money.

You'll get to quarry road.

I'd like to have a house, with an electric range,

so big I'd need an electric vacuum cleaner to clean it,

and maybe even an electric eggbeater.

Sounds convenient.

I dream about getting the kids station-wagon trained.

Going to the drive-in,

the kids are arguing in the back seat

covered in popcorn.

Taking them to the humane society.

Maybe one of them's allergic to dogs. That's okay.

You know, I'd make apple pie for Thanksgiving.

The kids would fill up on that so they wouldn't eat their dinner,

and I'd get mad and tell them they can't watch the television.

Little creep sits on her glasses and breaks the frame.

The other jerk comes home from little league with a broken arm.

My better half just burned himself on our backyard barbecue.

Frigidaire needs defrosting.

Our Armstrong linoleum is all scuffed.

Brats won't eat their maypo.

I've run out of my 20 mule team borax.

Sounds like heaven.

I'd kill to get all that.

- What? - Do you realize what time it is?

Do you know how many people you're keeping up with this noise?

I told you when you checked in here

that I require quiet after dark.

No, I don't want...

- Let go! No! - Come on in!

Is that enough?

For this month.

I don't know why you had to come here to pick it up.

Just keeping tabs on you,

like when you go to visit a criminal psychiatrist.

Something stinks, Chester.

Yeah, blackmail.

Just don't get any ideas.

Don't forget what it is you're paying me for.

You know, auggie, times are changing.

Nowadays, I don't know how many people would care too much

that I knew a few communists...

Once.

It can still get you blacklisted,

fired, never hired again,

no place to go.

The f.B.I. Is everywhere.

You're an enemy of the state, Chester.

You're anti-American.

Come on, let's go tell 'em.

Let's go tell your wife. We'll tell your boss.

No no no no. Wait.

Look in the sky.

It's a plane.

No, it's sputnik.

Faster than a bullet, free as a bird.

The sky king, you know?

Are you in love with that guy? Auggie?

Not really.

It's you.

I don't know if I can trust you...

Yet.

Sensible.

Look at me! I'm a cactus!

Your husband's a real asshole, isn't he?

Yes indeedy.

A real howdy doody.

Why'd you marry him?

How do you know him?

How does he know auggie?

Auggie?

Chester doesn't know...

What gave you that idea?

If he knows auggie, then I'm done.

The chief of police is a personal friend of mine!

These people have no respect.

Just like kids, hiding from our parents.

Chester's paying you to kill me.

What?

Man, man. Baby, you...

I don't care. I'm ready for it.

What the hell. Dying's a girl's best friend.

Did he give you the gun?

Chester has a gun?

He's jealous and he's dangerous.

Where is it?

Come on. It's a night of no return.

Okay, zero on the tough act?

Do it quick, please. Get it over with.

- Stop acting crazy. - I wanna be missed.

- I wanna be mourned. - Stop it.

I want to be wanted, dead or alive.

- Holy Moses. - What the hell?

- What happened? - What's wrong?

Hey, look out for that glass.

I was just in my room at night.

What the hell are you talking about?

How long have I been here?

You just got here.

What's eating you?

What the hell just happened?!

Well, I suggested that we have sexual intercourse, finally.

I had no idea it would shock you this much.

What did I drink? I feel pukey.

You don't look so good.

Auggie.

I don't remember coming here.

Well, you were perfectly normal when you walked in.

I mean, I can understand you being a little upset since yesterday.

What was I upset about?

You mean you don't remember yesterday?

Yesterday was Monday.

Yesterday was Tuesday.

I've forgotten a whole day?

Maybe you've got a whatchamacallit...

Mental block.

I remember being in my room

and then here.

You were normal when we met at the beach last night.

Don't you remember tripping over the moss?

You don't even, um,

remember about your husband?

What did he do?

Auggie, tell me what he did.

He found out about us, didn't he?

He's dead.

Bridey.

You all right?

You're a liar!

You're a dirty dirty liar!

It's true! Now quit it, will you?

Don't you remember his party?

He drove his boss home.

Think.

Don't you remember the police here?

Chester was drunk.

One the way home, he drove off the road.

For Christ's sakes.

You said you wanted him dead. Remember?

That's right. I did.

Well, there you go. Happy birthday.

But...

I mean, I never meant it.

You meant it, all right.

Not really. Not really and truly.

Well, you asked me to shoot him.

That was just a figure of speech.

What?

I mean...

Deep down, I kinda liked the bastard.

And shooting him was your way of showing it?

I mean I liked bitching at him.

I mean, sure I know he was an old windbag,

a pushover even,

a deadbeat, a retard,

a real boney maroney.

That's true love.

But he was mine.

August?

Yes, Bridget?

It's not just yesterday I've forgotten.

I can barely remember Monday

and the day before that's a complete blank.

The only really clear memories I get

are from the early days with Chester,

when he and I were still good together.

I didn't think you were ever good together.

Right now, those good times seem like only a couple of days ago.

I'm getting exactly what I deserve.

That guy... what's his name?

Deadpan.

Chester hired him to kill me.

It feels like he did.

Bridey, it's me... deadpan.

Come on, open up.

Chester?

Okay, Chester.

Wherever you are, I know you can hear me.

I want you to answer me this minute, you dumb cluck.

Mrs. Desoto, it's captain holiday.

- What is it? - A search warrant.

Mrs. Desoto, I realized yesterday

that is was just too soon for you to answer

any questions about the tragedy

I hope you're feeling better now.

- I'm not. - Well, we appreciate your cooperation.

I'm afraid our divers haven't yet found your husband's body...

A very strong tide out there...

But our lab did finish the autopsy of the car.

The brake cable looks like it was cut.

I don't... I don't...

I don't either, ma'am, but until I do,

you're gonna have to stay on here a few days.

Why?

I'm sorry, ma'am,

but it's possible here

that we're looking at a homicide.

Who did you play miniature golf with?

I think you're hiding something.

- Come on, honey, let's go. - So first I see this nudnik

like you sneaking around and then Chester checks out early.

I'm getting a pretty clear picture of what's going on around here.

You and Chester are two of a kind.

If you hadn't vetoed him, he would've done the same to you.

At 6:00, my husband is gonna be gone for an hour.

Hiya, doll. Hey, get lost, will you?

That's just bodacious. Does bridey know about this little piece of ponytail?

Blow it out your ear, will you?

Honeybunch, can't you see I'm busy here?

Now take off!

She's just some kid I gave a hand too.

- Sure, daddy-o. - A hand... -

- or your fifth limb? - Listen, moron.

I don't have to sit around here and listen to this hokum.

♪ Mama don't allow it, daddy's gonna doubt it ♪

♪ sister doesn't know what to sing about ♪

♪ when Judy... Judy hits the floor ♪

♪ then give her a hand, 'cause even the band ♪

♪ is begging her legs for more ♪

♪ she's a hit with the fellas, ladies all are jealous... ♪

So like I was saying,

you rigged his car so he'd have an accident.

Why would I do that, Sherlock?

Because you went soft on his wife.

You wanted her all to yourself

after he hired you to kill her!

Why would he hire me to do that?

So he could pin the murder on me.

How did Chester know you?

Dig. You wanna know what I think?

I don't give a damn what you think.

I think you and Chester had a plan

to split bridey's insurance money,

only he got scared and tried to back out,

- and so you... - You think...

You think I'd actually try to kill somebody?

And pin the murder on me, Zorro.

The only thing I don't cogitate

is why Chester would work with you to bump off his wife.

You're too slimy to be his friend.

So what did you have over Chester?

What did you have on him?

♪ When Judy hits the scene ♪

♪ she must be jealous, 'cause Janet just don't shake like that ♪

♪ the way she's a-shaking, it's enough to wake the dead ♪

♪ it down, Judy, you're giving me an ache in the head ♪

♪ she must be jealous, she must be jealous ♪

♪ 'cause Janet don't shake like that... ♪

You're so damn happy

in your safe little circle.

You know where you'll be 30 yearsfrom now?

"Exercising..."

"Bargain hunting,

3-d TV in your backpack jet,

you'll have a boss on your neck,

kids at your feet,

head deep in debt,

can't get to sleep,

'cause you'll be thinking back to now,

going 'i remember then, '

but you don't, you missed it

and you'll miss it again,

so when you're lying there crying out,

'where is enlightenment?'

just remember how

I told you now

it's in the sound

of one

hand."

Kwatz, dig?

- Let's get out of here. - I'm with you.

You're nuttier than a fruitcake, you know that?

Will there be anything else?

Eventually.

Come on, let's face it.

We both had a reason to want Chester dead...

The same reason.

I knew how much he wanted

to move out of the house on Leland road.

I think with this promotion

he... he would've done it.

It would've needed careful budgeting, of course,

but he'd have the key capital investment

for a maximum return on a time-cash deferment.

He was... He was so good with money.

I mean, he... he thoughtmoney.

He used to say to me, "Arnie,

money is the genitalia of our country."

He was philosophical like that.

Bridey.

- Ignore it. - Bridey, it's me, auggie.

- Open up. - Go on. Please.

Well, I just...

- I mean, if there's anything we can do... - come on.

It's urgent. I've got to talk to you.

That's very kind of you.

I've got to talk to you.

- You're in danger! - Maybe I should answer...

Ignore him. There is one thing you could do for me...

You could drive me to dinner.

I'd be glad to buy you dinner.

- Come on! - I know you're in there.

- I just want to help! - I'd appreciate the ride,

but I'd just prefer

to be alone in my grievation.

You don't think you need me anymore?

- Is... is that man... - He's a lunatic.

Okay, be tough. Try and be a man.

Big deal, butch!

Yeah, he walks up the street in a maidenform bra.

My god.

His hormones are all messed up.

You know, he reads Dr. Spock and tells everyone he's pregnant.

They just keep him around here for the tourists,

because they think he looks like grace Kelly.

Baby, you send me.

I'm madly in love with you and I want to marry you.

Did you by any chance kill my husband?

Auggie told me about your amnesia.

He plans to marry you, then kill you and collect the insurance.

He said so. Really. I swear.

Is it very cold tonight?

It's very hot.

If you'll excuse me now, I'm bewidowed.

Bridey, listen.

I'm a secretly wealthy man.

I don't like to tell this to women

I don't want them to come after me for my money.

It's okay if you do.

You hide your status well.

Look. I've got a diners club credit card.

I'll show you.

Hell, I left it at home.

You should see my home... Ranch style,

a frost-free refrigerator, a built-in pool,

a colored maid... The whole works.

That's all very interesting, Mr. Deadpan...

could I get some ketchup?

But if you don't leave me alone,

I'll ask those juvenile delinquents over there to kill you.

Thank you.

Did you see him today?

If I eat this, I'll upchuck.

Did he touch you?

I wonder if I have influenza.

Maybe tularemia,

parrot fever.

I need you.

My heart can't bear this.

- Probably parrot fever. - Will you shut up and listen?

Will you go to hell?

Chester was killed and you're the only killer type I've met lately.

Auggie did it.

Auggie's too chicken to even touch a gun.

- I should be in bed. - I'll take you.

I mean, let's wheel away, the two of us.

Yeah, I'm sure the cops would love that.

Do you realize I don't even know your real name?

Dwayne.

That's funny.

- Not that funny. - I do keep getting the feeling

that Chester is watching me and laughing,

like this is all some part of big aesthetic conspiracy of his.

- If so, then i'm in it with you. - Then get out.

- Amscray. - Why?

I may end up destroying you.

Don't get all shimmy-down now.

I mean, what are you saying?

I don't know that the cops are wrong.

Maybe I did kill him.

God, how sick am I?

We're closing.

Can't we just stay till this song is over?

♪ I won't be the one to try your trust... ♪

May I have this dance?

I've got cooties.

♪ You can go when you feel you must ♪

♪ if you'll only be on my side ♪

♪ proud to say someone like you liked me ♪

♪ I guess you know I'm pretty shy ♪

♪ for a while, you've made it nice for me ♪

♪ just because you're on my side ♪

♪ When you go, you know I won't say a word ♪

♪ but you'll know I'm always on your side ♪

♪ yeah, you'll know I'm always on your side ♪

♪ I'm on your side.

Good night, Dwayne.

Holy smokes, auggie. Don't bother to knock.

All right, tell me the truth.

You killed Chester, right?

Look. I'm sick.

I can't talk to you right now.

What's gotten into you, anyway?

It must be your germs eating me up.

The police questioned me today.

What do they know?

Whatever you and loverboy told 'em.

I knew something was up

when Chester went to that psychiatrist.

Chester saw a...

Yeah, he was researching criminals,

like maybe he was planning how to set somebody up

to look like a criminal;

like setting me up as a fall guy to the cops

after he rubbed out his wife.

You mean the gun?

Right.

He was out to get the both of us.

But why would he be out to get you?

'Cause I knew he was a commie.

Anyway, the point is you found out he was getting serious,

so you did him first.

He was not a commie!

That's right. You were blackmailing him,

had him scared to death you'd tell it to his boss.

That's where all our money was going.

But he only knew some commies.

It doesn't matter now.

Yesterday when I caught on

that you and your pal deadbeat

were planning to set me up

to take the fall for you,

I took a little precaution.

I went to see a doctor of my own...

- A chemist. - What's that?

This is what they used for brainwashing in Korea.

After you killed Chester,

I figured I'd feel a whole lot safer

if you forgot whatever the hell it was you were planning,

more so if the police had

a more likely suspect than me,

like a wife who suspiciously can't remember.

My amnesia.

I just put a drop or two in your drink.

Powerful stuff.

Auggie, why couldn't you just trust me?

Well, why don't you put on the hat he bought you?

- Listen to me. - Put it on!

Put it on.

Boy.

I thought I had the life of Riley coming...

Chester making regular payments to me

and then his gorgeous wife starts coming onto me.

But of course you saw to it that we never actually didanything.

Okay, spaz, I just want you to know

I'm sweating 'cause I've got a fever,

not 'cause I'm scared of you or anything.

It's the damn drug.

I'll tell you what, baby,

I put a drop of this into your booze

to make it taste better.

And just maybe, if we're lucky...

You'll drink it up like a good girl

and forget all about beatnik boy.

You choose, honey.

That's a good girl.

Now drink it up

and you and me can start all over again

with a clean slate.

If you love me,

you'll drink it.

Bite me.

Well, you goddamn, cock-teasing

ball-busting bitch!

I haven't done anything.

You guys... all you guys keep twisting yourselves into pretzels

just 'cause I'm sitting on all you want out of life.

Yeah, you bow-legged slut?

You'd hop on a dog if it was panting.

Yeah, that's all I see around here, rin tin tin.

The last time I saw any honest love, I was about five.

Yeah? From who, your daddy?

I bet you liked sitting on his lap too!

Yeah, well, at least I had a daddy!

You have to hump your own mother to be born?

Yeah, well, I bet your mother tried to flush you down the toilet

and it spat you back out!

Yeah? When can I spit you out?

How about right now, slime bottom?

- Gutter licker! - Urinal!

Anus penis!

Tell me you love me.

I did it again.

Shit.

Did what, dear?

You mean this is heaven?

What?

You don't look much worse for being dead.

Did you call the car rental place yet?

What's today?

Pardon me?

Today is Thursday.

Today's Friday, if my memory serves.

You mean so you didn't die the night before yesterday?

No no, that was auggie who died.

What's the punchline?

Auggie died Wednesday

after he shot me.

Bridey honey...

I mean, you're scaring me.

Don't touch me!

I'll only be a moment.

Excuse me.

I can't figure it out!

Honeybun, I think you should sit down.

No, you're supposed to be dead.

We've got to talk.

Bridey.

Bridey sweetie, you're being conspicuous.

I have to talk to the police

or... or j. Edgar hoover.

But I'm your husband. Do you remember?

Shrivel up.

It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

If the bomb doesn't fall.

See, I got a secret.

I get amnesia. It's a long story...

A psychological experience in Korea...

I mean, in the w.A.C.S.

If you could just tell me

what happened yesterday.

Why don't you ask your husband?

Is that really him?

I mean, didn't he die in a car accident

fairly recently?

To go over it one more time,

he was thrown from the car.

He was found unconscious without any I.D.

I understand he was in a clinic for a couple of days

suffering from shock, under the illusion that he was in a bomb shelter.

And, umm,

- Mr. March... - Yes.

Drowned?

The police thought it was an accident

until I told them about that gun I heard you fire at him.

I don't know why you want to talk to me, Mrs. Desoto.

I don't like your kind.

It's the only kind of person I can trust.

I think you're a common wanton.

A hoyden, if you want to know the truth.

A slattern even,

and a troll.

So what have you got to say about that?

I say...

I say...

I say you're just being ambidextrous.

Are you ill?

Yeah, radiation sickness.

- - Did they test the atomic bomb around here?

No, but you'll have plenty of time to recuperate in prison.

I miss my bowling league.

All right, now you... you listen to me, young lady.

Go away. I loved you while you were dead.

We've got to talk, lame brain.

Good. Now you're starting to sound like your old self again.

For a minute there, it almost sounded

like you loved me.

You folks had better get ready for the war games tonight.

The military base over here holds training exercises.

Plug your ears.

Mrs. Desoto, we have some new testimony.

I would like to visit the private room.

Go ahead. Of course.

Please.

How come you didn't see who broke the door?

I told you yesterday. Once I heard the gunshot and called the police,

I deliberately didn't look anymore.

That's helpful.

I don't think my wife is feeling well.

I'm a community pillar, Tim.

Mrs. Desoto,

would you sit over here, please?

Mr. Perry was giving us some new information

- about the events of Wednesday night. - Just confess.

- They've got you now. - Please please.

Mr. Perry also said that he saw the deceased in this room that night,

discovering some chemical or drug that you were keeping.

Exactly how Mr. Perry saw all this from his office, I don't know.

I just happened to be passing a window...

The point is she drugged him and that's how she got him into the pool.

Well, then I suppose she broke in her own door.

You said yourself you heard a struggle,

so you think that she overpowered him,

drugged him... though we found no trace of drugs in him...

Dragged him to the pool and held him down underwater.

- Yeah. - Sounds pretty difficult for a woman.

And there's also the question of why someone was shot

with a gun containing nothing but blanks.

- Blanks? - Blanks?

Blanks.

There's less to this than meets the eye.

Ma'am, do you know of anyone else

who was acquainted with the deceased?

How could I? I hardly knew the man.

Perhaps you've forgotten what you told us yesterday.

Of course I haven't forgotten. What did I say?

That you and the deceased were lovers.

That's just a figure of speech.

Chester killed auggie.

Sweetheart, I was at the clinic that night.

The clinic's lying. He arranged something with the psychiatrist there.

Don't you have an electric lie detector?

Ma'am, I gather you're not on the best of terms with your husband.

Well, we've been having some financial difficulties.

Cut the crap. I'm telling him everything.

My amnesia's not that bad.

Amnesia?

Okay, so I've had a few lapses this week.

Nothing important.

It's just, you know, x-rays from outer space

or something mutating me.

Ted, bring in the new witness.

She's lying, Tim. She killed the guy.

She was jealous. Mr. March was seeing... why not just say it?

He had an illicit rendezvous with another young lady here.

Mr. Perry, please.

Well, ask her yourself. Her name is louella hobscot.

Mrs. Louella hobscot, would you sit over here, please?

Now don't you be scared, honey.

We just want to hear you repeat what you told me.

I had a conversation with auggie

out on the sidewalk Monday night.

And did you step inside with auggie?

No. Good gosh no.

Were you and he perhaps affectionate?

I just got married last weekend.

Yeah, I guess that would be a little soon.

That guy was a jerk.

Besides, he wasn't interested in me.

He was all jealous over her.

How do you know?

He said she was an idiot,

and he called her new boyfriend a slob.

- It was pretty obvious. - And did he identify her new boyfriend?

No, but I saw him Wednesday night at the java hut

and he was having a big argument with that beatnik who stayed here,

and he was jealous of auggie.

And what did he say?

Just... just some lies about auggie and me.

Do I have to say it aloud?

Please, for the benefit of the others.

Well, it was just a stupid, smutty lie.

The beatnik asked auggie

if she knew about...

"about this little piece of ponytail."

Honeykins, what did they do to you?

Come along, Eddie.

That's all in the past now.

Ma'am, you were cheating on your lover.

Good lord, this is too much!

That boy was not that interested in me.

Not according to witnesses.

Witnesses are full of shit.

Do you hear how coarse she is?

You suck it up your rear, you dirty old...

That's enough!

Now, Mrs. Desoto,

do you remember anything of this week?

- Deadpan is not the killer type. - Deadpan?

Deadpan Winchester? He's the beatnik?

I know that kid's record. He's been in psychiatric care

for one murder and under suspicion for another.

Okay, so he's troubled,

but there's one thing you don't know...

Chester hired him.

I hired him? To have an affair with you?

To kill me.

A funny way to kill you, ma'am.

Mr. Desoto, I'm sorry you had

to hear all of this, but what I think we have here is

a simple crime of passion.

It took a man to drown Mr. March,

and there was only one man around here that night to do it.

I'm putting a dragnet out on this deadpan.

Chester is gonna try to kill me himself now.

You're making a big mistake.

- Darling. - We all make mistakes.

Now if you'll excuse me,

tonight the boys at the base are having their war games.

We'll be busy and you'll probably hear them here.

Damn right we'll hear them.

Can a citizen sue the Pentagon?

Thank you, captain. You've been very understanding.

I hope you all go to hell.

Sweetie. Come on, we'll go home tonight.

Just open up the door and we'll talk about it.

Just leave me alone, Mr. Murderer.

What? Bridey.

Let me sit alone in here and mutate.

Honey, you're not thinking.

- Just think. - Well, too bad for you

you happened to hire a killer who had a heart.

Bridey, come on. Just let me in.

- What? - We'll talk about it.

You just go to bed and think about that

while I go to bed and turn into a giant slug.

Good night.

My god. Deadpan, I was so worried about you.

What is it?

Stay cool, tutti-frutti.

Don't double-time now.

The master is solid.

Why are you doing this?

I'm just doing my gig here, mother superior.

I tried to defend you.

Right.

Like I defended you from that bizarro gun.

- It was Chester's gun. - The one that only had blanks in it?

You were never in any danger at all.

I thought that it had real bullets in it.

You like fallout, doll?

The cops guessed. I didn't tell them.

Only blanks.

It was all a show for deadpan the domino.

You had me jumping, salty mood lighting,

spoon talk... the whole riff.

- You and Chester. - I hate Chester.

I was so hot,

shook up,

in your orbit.

I heard that gun go off

and I sailed in here,

thinking I was your shining knight,

to save your ass.

Little did I hip, I was just saving a house

for you and your better half on quarry road.

Dear god, please wait.

I pledged my love to you, lady.

I put my heart in the palm of your hand,

and you just

squeezed.

Chester planned this too, you know.

How do you know?

You've got amnesia, remember?

Auggie did that to me with the drug in that bottle.

You're trying to sell me

that this wonder ingredient makes...

Amnesia, the fever, the whole mess.

What licks you've got.

I wish just once I could believe

a chick that looks like you.

Can you level with me?

Lay it on me now, scout's honor.

Sign your hancock

that you do...

That you do love me.

I don't remember.

My... my eyes!

Help me! Somebody help me!

Good kicks.

I can hear you, you know.

I can hear you sweating!

Bridey, did you scream?

Answer me!

Tell him it's all cool

and I'll give you another minute of life.

- Tell him! - I'm okay, Chester!

But the bathroom window's open!

Now why'd you lie like that, baby?

I shut that window myself.

Yeah. Yeah, you were lying.

There's no breeze.

Bridey.

Hey, come on.

Sweetheart.

Damn all women.

What?

What's wrong?

Frankly, though, I think our Mr. Deadpan's

going straight back to the nuthouse

and this whole affair is going into our history files.

Thank you. You've been good through all this.

Hey, I admire you.

I mean, we need more men who have the guts

to stick with their wives through thick and thin,

no matter how dirty it gets.

Well, it's a dirty world,

but somebody's gotta live in it.

Well, you keep your chin up. It's what the country needs,

especially now...

That we're surrounded.

You know, it's funny. If I didn't know

what a miserable couple you were,

I'd guess the two of you had just pulled off the perfect crime.

If you'll please leave us alone, we'll start packing now.

- Thank you. - One man is killed,

another one blamed for it,

and the two of you don't have to ask anybody to do anything.

As it is, of course, all you got out of it is each other.

A perfect pair of losers.

And I hope you realize,

you may have destroyed the sunset motel.

Finally.

Do you realize this is the first chance

we've had alone together since I found out you had amnesia?

This stuff almost ruined everything.

Honey.

Do you remember the plan we hatched together?

The months I spent searching for the right sucker?

Deadpan... you could steer him like a car.

Sure enough, he got rid of our blackmailer.

But you still acted right.

You just forgot you were acting.

Darling, we did it!

That stuff about bomb shelters...

You were wonderful.

From here on out, I do all the work, sweet pea...

60 hours a week, I swear.

And you're on permanent vacation.

Chester...

Take me to Disneyland.