Original subtitles

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♪ Last year we took a chance

♪ And went to Paris, France

♪ But all the can-cannin' girls

♪ Led us quite a dance

♪ The Folies Bergeries

♪ Ain't all they seem to be

♪ 'Cause when a girl says, "No, no"

♪ She means, "Ooh arr, oui, oui!"

♪ So give me England every time, my dear

♪ Give me England any time of year

♪ Come on, everybody, raise a cheer

♪ Far and near

♪ For the birds and the booze

♪ Now that summer's here

♪ And when bouzoukis played

♪ A Grecian serenade

♪ We shed a tear in our beer

♪ For the price we paid

♪ "This ain't no place to be"

♪ Complained old Timmy Lea

♪ "Ain't got no bingo

♪ "The lingo's all Greek to me!"

♪ So give me England every time, my dear

♪ Give me England any time of year

♪ Come on, everybody, raise a cheer

♪ Far and near

♪ For the birds and the booze

♪ Now that summer's here

♪ I'll never go again

♪ Across to sunny Spain

♪ To serenade a señorita

♪ 'Neath her window pane ♪

"Come on down here, my little flower."

♪ What a palaver

♪ On the Costa Brava

♪ I didn't know the matador

♪ Was her father ♪

♪ So give me England every time, my dear

♪ Give me England any time of year

♪ Come on, everybody, raise a cheer

♪ Far and near

♪ For the birds and the booze

♪ Now that summer's here

♪ In 1970, we went to Italy

♪ To sample all the delights

♪ Down in Napoli ♪

♪ The signorinas there

♪ Could not be keener there

♪ But I've a scar from her pa

♪ To prove I've been to there

♪ So give me England every time, my dear

♪ Give me England any time of year

♪ Come on, everybody, raise a cheer ♪

♪ Far and near, for the... ♪

Hello. It's Timmy Lea, yet again.

Now, only Sid could've come up with the brilliant idea

of reopening a holiday camp in March.

It was so cold, the Russians were trying

to send political prisoners there.

And the wind, oh, you could hardly hear your teeth chatter.

Ah, this must be the life, Timmy, eh?

Entertainments officer at Funfrall Holiday Camp.

Can you think of a better position?

No, Sid.

There's no doubt about it, Timmo.

This time, I've really landed us in clover.

You've ain't half got a brilliant brother-in-law.

Yes, Sid.

But listen, er, shouldn't we, er, think about laying on something?

Relax, will you? Relax.

The less we organise...

the less we've gotta do.

We're on a cushy number here.

Oh, steady on, darling. You nearly bruised Siddy's lips then.

Sorry.

Hello.

Oh, Lionel's coming, Sid.

Ah, that'll be the day.

- What's up, Lionel? - I don't know, dear.

Rumor, that fickle jade, has it that the camp has been sold.

And you are wanted in the office immediately. Ta-ra!

Sold?!

Oh!

Hello, campers.

Don't forget to collect your packed lunches

from the main restaurant for the magical mystery tour.

Hey, mush, where's Noddy?

- Noddy? - Yeah.

If, by any chance, you are referring to the previous owner, Mr Nudgeley,

may I inform you that he has already departed,

leaving you his best wishes.

And for your information, I am not "mush".

I am William Whitemonk, the new owner,

late, but never in a temporal sense,

of Her Majesty's Prison Dartfleet.

What were you in for? Murder?

Rape? Arson?

- I was the chief warder, lad. - Eh?

And I had better warn you, at the start of our relationship,

that I can't abide whingers, cringers, whiners, skivers,

malingerers or backsliders.

And I am fairly certain that you're in that list somewhere.

- Oh, no, I... - Smarten yourself up, lad!

Disgrace to the uniform!

Get that scruffy vest off! Get a shirt on!

- I am going to get a grip, Noggett. - Yes?

Henceforward,

there are only going to be two ways of doing things.

- My way and the wrong way. - Right.

Anyone who does not play ball with me

will have no balls with which to play. Is that clear?

- Oh, yes, perfectly, sir. - Right.

According to this, you are the entertainments officer.

- Yes, that's right. - Well, outline your programme, lad!

Eh?

- Oh, er... - Come on! Come on, lad.

Well, er...

Well, er, we have the occasional sing-song.

You know, when everybody's pissed.

I mean, er, had a few.

- Sing-song? - Yes, sir.

And then there's the, er, clock golf.

And the donkey derby.

When we can get the donkeys, of course.

And the fancy dress.

Not very inspired, is it, Noggett?

I think perhaps our parting of the ways

had better come sooner rather than later.

And the beauty contest, sir.

Beauty contest, eh?

Tell me more, Noggett.

Well, er...

Ah, well...

it's only in the early planning stages,

as it were, sir, at the moment, you see.

But I think it could be very big.

I think it's got enormous...

publicity value.

I hope so, for your sake, lad.

Because if this beauty contest doesn't go off with a bang,

you will go out with a thud. Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

Now, then, according to this, you've got a...

- an assistant called, er... - Lea.

Lea, Lea, Lea, yes. Now, where is he?

Oh, don't worry about him, sir.

He's always on the job.

I do not find it very easy.

Well, open a bit more and you'll find it'll slip in quite easy.

- It... It keeps slipping out. - Well, the...

Slide it backwards and forwards.

There.

- Oh! - It is easy for you. Oh!

Do you not think maybe we should be looking after the guests?

I mean, after all, we are the holiday hosts.

Oh, don't worry about them.

Sid said they're much happier being left alone.

I'll bet you cannot get your balls in here.

Pardon?

Listen, Brigitte, don't be so ridiculous.

The idea of this game is to get your balls in the pocket.

Oh, that's such a silly game.

If you have to put the balls in the pockets,

why you need the table?

That's a good question.

Ah!

Ooh!

I will show you, mon petit.

Well, I won't show you mon petit. But, er...

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Right, Noggett. I want to call a meeting

- of all the holiday hosts. - Oh, yes, sir.

I'm going to harangue the lot of them.

Ah. Shall I bring a rope, sir?

I said "harangue", not "hang", Noggett.

Though, looking at you, possibly yours is the better idea.

Yes, sir.

You're wonderful, Timmy.

- Noggett. - Sir?

Remind me. What goes on in there again?

Er...

Oh, er, that's the billiard room, sir.

It's a very popular recreational activity.

Noggett, I'm talking to you.

What exactly is going on in there, Noggett?

Come out of the way and let me see.

- Ah, bonjour. - Ah, bonjour.

Very likely.

He's very good at it, isn't he?

Lucky I got it in, eh?

- Ah, oui. - Ah, oui, indeed. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Let's see if I can get that big red one in.

"Mr Noggett, I am enclosing..."

Oh, God!

- Sorry, Sid. - Ah!

Good morning.

- You all right, Sid? - 'Course I'm all right.

Well, it's your face, it's, um...

- I'm smiling. - Oh!

The new Funfrall philosophy demands a warm and happy smile

for everybody from morning until night.

- Or twelve hours a day, if necessary. - Aren't you going a bit too far, Sid?

But you heard what Whitemonk said, didn't you? Eh?

"Flash your teeth", kid. The teeth, right?

Then you divide the camp into four suits, huh?

Get them to play games against each other

until they are so knackered,

they don't wanna complain about anything.

Oh, my God. It's just gonna be...

It's gonna be all go from here on in.

- How are we gonna cope, Sid? - Well, I don't know, do I?

But we're going to, because I'm not interested in failure, Timmo.

- Nor am I, Sid. - Because I'll tell you something.

If I lose this job, our Rosie is never gonna talk to me again.

I mean, she went spare when the driving school went bust.

Oh, she's coming down, isn't she, Sid?

Don't tell me. Her. And your mum.

And your dad. And baby Jason.

Oh, they chose the right time, didn't they?

I tell you what, kid.

I wouldn't even have invited them

if I'd thought they were gonna accept, would I?

- Don't you worry about a thing, Sidney. - Oh, thank you.

You can rely on me, mate.

Oh, boy, have I heard that before.

Listen, kid, all I want you to do is just concentrate

on Whitemonk's beauty competition, right?

- Beauty competition? - That's right.

That's a stupid idea, isn't it, Sid?

Blimey, that's what I've been telling him, isn't it?

But he's mad keen on the idea, kid.

- You get it? - Yeah.

"Miss British Holiday Camps", huh?

Five hundred pound first prize.

Automatic entry to the Miss Globe contest in London.

Well, he thinks it'll get a lot of publicity.

I've just finalised the details.

So what we've got to do, Sid, is get some cracking-looking birds, eh?

You've got it exactly, kid.

Now, listen, what I want you to do is take these forms...

- Right, Sid. - ...and get out

and comb that camp for talent, kid.

- Yes, Sid. - You know what I mean?

- You know, the real talent, eh? - Yes.

Because if you and I don't come up

with a bevy of Funfrall beauties and make a success of this,

you and me are for...

- the chop. - Oh.

- Got it? - Yes.

Now, on your little bike. Chop-chop, all right?

Hey!

Remember, will ya, a lot of birds get carried away

when there's five hundred quid at stake,

so, please, don't expose yourself to any temptations, eh?

- No, Sid. - We don't want any embarrassment

like we had with, er...

Brigitte in the billiard room, now, do we?

- Huh? - No, Sid.

And remember what Whitemonk said.

No.

"An efficient camp is a happy prison"!

Oh, God, no.

- I mean, "camp". - "Camp."

- I mean, "camp". - "Camp." Yes, yes.

What I want you to do

is concentrate on the job in hand, right?

And remember that Whitemonk is watching your every move, kid.

- And, Timmo... - What?

Oh, God. Don't you remember?

No. What?

Smile! Yes!

Oh, yes.

Sid was clearly going bonkers.

The rain must have rusted up the inside of his nut.

Still, a natural sense of loyalty and stupidity

sent me out with my sheaf of beauty contest entry forms.

Look at them. Poor devils.

They'd have been better off with anti-frostbite cream.

Would you, er... like to enter the beauty contest, madam?

- Oh, yes. Thank you. - Fill it in at your leisure.

Morning! Beauty competition, madam?

Ah, here's a right little cracker.

Right, switch on the old Lea magnetism and in like Flynn.

Excuse me, er, miss, have you, er...?

Have you, er... got a light, please?

Oh, um, yes, I don't seem to have got my cigarettes with me.

Silly me. Yes.

Ah. Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me, er... Do you mind if I just help meself?

- No. - Thanks very much.

- Oh! - Um...

I'm sorry! I was just trying to, er...

- Give that back! - Listen, er...

Look, let me help.

There we are. Just get them back there.

Don't forget the camp motto. Smile!

What's your game?

I was, er...

...just trying to enter your wife for the...

- Oh, how dare you? - No, no. No, listen.

Let's-Let's go... Let's go and talk about this somewhere.

Like, er, in... in-in the pool!

Er... Ah, my best jacket, look! Hang on, I've got a...

Blimey! When it said in the brochure

that everything in the camp was thrown in,

I didn't know it included me.

Listen, madam. I just wanted to get...

Listen, madam!

- Go away! - I was just asking if you...

Hey, you!

Go on, hop it.

What would your mum say, eh?

That is my mum!

Oh.

You...

- Dad! Dad! - Come back here, you midget!

You little rat! Oi!

- Dad! Dad! - That's it, mate, that's it.

- Right... - Dad!

Ah.

Lovely little chap, isn't he, eh?

- Go and find your mum. - Yes, you go and find your mum.

No, listen! No, I'm off duty! I've got no time for a swim!

All right, keep your knees up now. Keep your knees up.

Up! Up! Up! Up!

I soon discovered what Sid meant

by getting everybody too exhausted to complain.

Most of them didn't know whether they were coming or going,

and they were too knackered to do either.

Now, behave yourselves, will you?

Give over, will ya, please?

Why don't you do something useful,

like duffing each other up?

Then there'd be less of you at the end of the week.

That's better!

Stop! Go and bash your dads up!

Go and play in the road outside.

You'll enjoy it there. It's busy.

All right, Fred. How's it going, mate? All right?

Oh, dia... if you'll pardon the expression... bolical.

Ever since that new fella took over,

he's got me doin' everything.

I'm running up and down here like a blue fly.

I'm on the gates one minute. I don't know where I'm up to.

Will ya give over, Kevin?

Oh, he's a...

Stop it!

It's not nice and it's not good for ya.

Just blow them up!

That's that kid who put the piranha in the goldfish pond.

Come along, come along. Knees up. Knees up, everyone.

- What's going on? - Oh, come along, kiddies, come along.

Diamonds through. Never mind, kiddiewinks.

Never mind the whistle.

Please! Now, come along, now. Face me, please.

Should have plenty of wind left.

Now, let's have the toes touch... now!

Mrs Hoskins obviously has a lot of wind left.

Let's try it again. Toes down.

There he is. Off you go, then.

That's it. Oh. Oh, dear.

- Hello! What's your name? - Sarah.

- Sarah. Come on, Sarah. - Be a good girl.

See you later. Bye.

- Lovely age, isn't it, eh? - Oh, yes, lovely.

Yes, lovely.

Listen, I was, er... wondering if you'd, er...

enter for the beauty contest at all.

Me? I'm a married woman.

- Get away! You're not. - Yes.

- You mean that little girl is yours? - Yes.

I thought she must be your kid sister or something.

- Oh, you're just saying that. - No, I'm not.

Listen, fill in one of these forms at your convenience.

Well, it doesn't have to be your convenience.

Anywhere will do.

Well, I don't know what my husband will say.

Ah, he'll be proud of you, honest. Now, listen.

There's a rehearsal at the swimming pool, three o'clock.

Now, don't forget. You'll be a sensation.

Well, I'll, er... have to think about it.

See you Thursday.

Mmm. Bye.

Hello, campers. I'm sorry.

Tonight's supper menu should read "plum duff"

and not "duff plum".

- You're a Spade, aren't you? - Oh, however did you guess?

Look, I hope you, er, don't mind me saying this, er...

- but I'd like to enter you. - Oh!

Er, for the beauty contest, of course.

You raised my hopes for a moment.

You mean it doesn't matter about me being black?

Oh, no, there's no colour bra.

I mean, bar.

No, you can be any creed, colour or sex.

- Oh. - No, I'm sure you've gotta be a woman.

Yeah. Mind you, in your case, there's no problem, is there?

- Thank you. - Pleasure.

Hi there, holidaymakers.

Can we have the finalists for the over-60s netball competition?

Oh, I wanna see that.

Look, I'll talk to you about the contest later.

Oh, I can see what they mean now by racial tension.

Go on! You'll be the fastest this week.

- There you go. - Was that better?

Oh, fantastic. Yeah.

Listen, I'd like to, er...

I'd like to have a word in private with you

about the beauty contest.

I think you've got two outstanding chances.

I was having trouble with the throttle.

I know exactly how it felt.

Listen, er... Let's meander over here.

I'd like to fill you in on a few of the details.

I think that you could well finish in the frame.

Morning!

Well, I was wondering how many lessons it would take.

Hi, girls. I'm Timmy Lea.

Do you want to enter the, er...?

- Ooh! - Oh, dear.

Hello. I'm Glad,

and this is me friend Reen.

What do you wanna ask us, I hope?

No, er... Er, no, I was just wondering

if you'd like to enter the, um...

beauty contest.

Oh, I don't know.

What do you think, Reen?

Will we have to expose our bodies to scrutiny?

Yes, I'm afraid there is that to it. Yes.

Leave us a couple of forms,

and I'll discuss it with me friend.

Oh, right. There we go.

Here, can you drive one of those?

Drive? Me?

Well, yes, I've, er... done a bit. Yes.

It looks so dangerous.

No, no, there's nothing to it, really.

Listen, I'll show you. Cop hold of these, right?

Out the way! Right!

Hey, hey!

Oh!

Here I go! Wahey!

Now, let me take you round the curves, eh?

What the bloody hell was that?!

You bastard!

I'll bloody well kill you for this, I'm tellin' you!

I'll have you, you little git! Drown, ya git, drown!

- See if I care! - Sorry...

Don't forget. This evening at the Hippodrome,

it's Monty Raver and the Harmonica Ruffians.

Plus the sweet country sound of Biff & Scratch.

And still the rain came down.

Not that I noticed it anymore.

I dressed under the shower just to feel normal.

It wasn't much fun for the kids, either.

Some of them were developing webbed feet.

Still, it's no good moaning. Like Sid says,

"You've gotta keep a bright smile on your face."

Oh, blimey, Whitemonk!

I think I'll squat this one out for a few minutes.

There's something about that bloke that gives me the creeps.

And "creeps" is the right word.

I always get a nasty feeling that he may be creeping up behind me.

- Lea! - Aah!

My all-seeing eye is ever upon you, sunshine.

Your face is the essence of depravity,

as is your modus operandi.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

And this beauty contest idea of yours had better work out.

Otherwise, you and your friend Noggett

are gonna be off this camp so fast

your plimsolls will leave scorched rubber marks.

Right. We're right on top of it, sir.

And always remember, I do not like

layabouts, laggards, loafers, or lechers.

Oh, come on. Here we are.

- Oh, all right, I'm coming. - Come on, don't mess about.

These are heavy.

- Bloody hell, it... - Oh, my Gawd!

Ah. Ah.

- Funny smell. - It's probably Jason.

It's not!

- No, it's not. It's the ozone. - The what?

Ozone. Sniff it up.

Cor! I see what you mean.

- Yeah, good, isn't it? - Yes.

It gets... It gets right down...

Oh, Gawd.

Get out of the way.

There, there. Love! Love, love, love, love...

- I'll go and... - That's it. That's better.

...find the car.

He's full of the holiday spirit, ain't he?

Not now he ain't, love. Look, Jason.

Oh!

Here, Sid said something about some transport. Jason!

Well, I don't know. He's probably got a lot on his mind.

Where's that car, then?

- Here, mate, is this it? - This is it.

Oi! Hey! This is it! It's over here!

Oh, look!

Oh? Oh, is that for us?

Yeah. Bit of all right, isn't it?

- Well! - That Sidney's done something right

- for a change. - Ooh, lovely!

Come on. Pass... Pass down the car inside, please.

- Wait a minute. - Come on, get in.

I can't get in with all these suitcases.

Hang on a minute. Here comes Pan's People.

Oh, Walter. Come on, love.

Getting in? Can you manage?

Come on!

Come on, dear, it may never happen, girl.

Go on, in you get.

All right, guv'nor. You're doin' all right. Two of 'em.

Hello. Come on, girl, come on.

Here, left your bees at home, have ya?

Go on, darling, up you get. Right.

You know, this is the first time I've been to one of these.

Oh, don't cry, love. It can't rain all the time.

Well, even if it does, Mum, there'll be plenty of things to do.

Oh, yeah. Here, why don't we have a nice little sing-song?

All right. All right, how about...?

How about, then...

♪ My old man said, "Follow the van

♪ "And don't dilly-dally on the way" ♪

Come on!

♪ Off went the van with me home packed in it

♪ I walked behind with me old cock linnet

♪ And I dillied, I dallied

♪ Dallied and I dillied

♪ Lost me way and don't know where to roam ♪

- Come on! - ♪ Well, you can't trust a special

♪ Like the old time coppers

♪ When you can't find your way home

All together, now!

♪ My old man said, "Follow the van

♪ "And don't dilly-dally on the way"

♪ Off went the van with me home packed in it

♪ I walked behind with me old cock linnet

♪ And I dillied, I dallied, dallied and I dillied... ♪

I think that bloody waitress has emigrated.

You wait till I get my hands on that Sidney.

We'll die of malnutrition here before we're finished.

I'm not kidding, I'm starving. I'd eat a bloody horse.

- Oh, that food looks nice. - Probably will eat horse here.

Here, let's have it. Any chance of getting served in the next twelve months?

Isn't it marvellous, eh? Been bloody here for about an hour.

- Walter! - What?

And watch your manners here. Use your serviette.

Serviette.

- Dad! - Walter!

- Hello, campers! - Hello.

Hello, he's a bit vice versa.

Now, come along, you can do much better than that.

Hello, campers!

Hello, Lionel!

Oh, isn't that nice?

Well, now, I don't want to impede the passage

of your delicious din-dins,

but now's the time for the Mealtime Marathon.

Who's gonna try and beat the record today, I wonder?

Is it going to be the Hearts, the Spades,

the Clubs, or the Diamonds, I wonder?

Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there?

We always find out the same way.

Eyes closed, aim and...

Ooh!

That man bang!

Come on. Up you come, come on.

Up you come. Up you climb. That's the stuff.

Oh, yes.

You better put that in the oven.

Come along, love.

Can we put you in this?

Very nice, yes. That's... That's the one.

Hey, hey!

I don't know how that goes on.

That's the stuff.

Ooh! Only another fifteen miles before seven o'clock,

and you'll put Clubs in the lead. Yes!

Well done. I'll keep an eye on you.

Ooh, I love sitting down to a nice cold plate.

And desist!

That's "stop" to you, dear.

Well now, let's see how you've got on, shall we?

Yes.

Ooh! Oh, you're never gonna believe this.

You're never gonna believe this.

You've missed it by three hundred yards.

Never mind. Very well done, wasn't it? Very well done.

Now, come along, let's have a big handy-pandy, please.

What was your name again? Mr Whatoff?

Oh, never mind. A big handy-pandy.

Yes, please. Come on.

How about a bit of nosh? I haven't had nothing yet.

I'm sorry, we don't serve meals after seven o'clock.

Seven o'clock? Bloody marvellous, innit?

I'm gonna have a drink.

No, you're not. The bar's closed.

Oh, God, what a right holiday this is.

It says here, "Any holiday host who gets involved with a guest

"will be dismissed forthwith, if not quicker."

Oh, hello.

Um...

Um... I'm a bit busy at the moment. I'm reading a book.

I want to fill out a form.

Well, looks like you already have!

No, seriously, er... you can't be here, you see. Um...

Mr Whitemonk would do his nut.

But he's not here...

is he?

No. No, he's not.

It's just you...

and me.

Yes, I suppose it is. Yes.

I bet you've got a fantastic sense of rhythm.

- Well... - How about you and me

having a little shuffle,

and getting to know each other better?

Well, um...

just a tiny one.

Then, you really must go, 'cause, um...

I want to press my blazer.

It might even be better with music.

Yes, it might be.

Oh! Sorry.

Oh, dat's de rhythm, honky. Oh, dis is de stuff.

Five hundred pounds.

You and I could come to a...

interesting split.

Oh. Listen, er...

If you think you can get round me with sex,

you may as well...

You're right.

Oh, lordy!

I always wondered if it was true

what they said about you white boys.

Whoa-hey!

Lay off, will ya?

What's that?

Don't stop, honey! I'm going into orbit.

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh, yes! Harder! Come on!

Ah, shut up! And turn that bloody wireless off!

Must be Sid. Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

- Ah! - Ssh...

Hey, hey. Do you hear that?

Eh?

I reckon he's got a bird in there.

Filthy little swine.

He ain't half givin' it.

Sid!

- What's the matter with ya? - I've got headache.

Ah, you've always got a bleedin' headache, you have.

Shut up, will ya?!

Whew, talk about doing the Black Bottom.

It was more like going fifteen rounds with Muhammad Ali,

and losing every one of 'em.

Took me ten minutes to get me pyjamas on.

As it was, I needn't have bothered.

Oh, no.

Um...

Oh.

I suppose it's about the beauty contest.

Yeah. I'd, er...

I'd like you to scrutinise me.

Oh. Sounds very interesting, but I can't.

Er... In any case, where's your friend?

Oh, she's waiting in the alley by the pally.

Good.

Why don't you, er... come in?

I'll, er, get you an entry form, and, er...

you can fill it in.

Oh!

Oh, God!

It must be Sid.

Blimey. Go. Go.

- Sid... - Hello, love!

- Oh, Mum. - Sorry to be so late,

but I brought these nice woolly vests for you.

You know, it can get very parky down here.

Shall I put 'em in the cupboard for you, love?

No!

Oh, no! Not in the cupboard!

No, no. No! Don't stick it in there, please.

- No, don't stick it in there, because... - He's still at it?

I mean, it's too small.

Now, this is too much.

Oh, I'll bloody have him. I'll bloody have him!

Open the door!

Come on, I know you've got a woman in there! Open the...

- Sidney! - Hello, Mum.

What on Earth are you doing here?

Don't you know people are trying to get to sleep?

What on Earth's Rosie going to think about it?

Come on, back to your chalet at once.

You'll catch your death of cold out here like this.

I don't know what you're thinking of, I'm sure I don't.

Oh.

What are you doing?

I wanna show you me costume.

Reen thinks it goes a bit too far.

Oh, does she?

I'd do, er...

anything...

- to come somewhere. - Oh...

Oh!

Sid!

Now look what you've done.

Will you get off me, please?

Blimey, the blooming bulb's gone now.

Now, listen, would you...

Um...

Er...

If you place me,

I'll place you.

Oh, that's very kind of you, but, um...

I'm afraid I've, er...

a little bit busy at the moment. Um...

Where are you going?

Ooh!

- Oh, S...! - Oh!

Sid!

Ooh!

Oh, the filthy pervert!

Cor, stone me!

- Hey! Get off, will ya? Leave us alone. - You pervert!

Hey. Leave me alone, you horrible little man! I'm not bent!

What's going...? Aah!

Good morning, campers. Wakey-wakey.

We welcome you to another bright, sunny day

of happiness and good cheer.

- No, Dad, he'll be all right. - Come on, Walter.

Look, here's a nice place.

It's my shoes. I can't hurry up with these.

Well, you shouldn't wear bloody high-heeled shoes on the sand.

No, well, I didn't know, did I?

- Where's Jason? - Could've stopped and had a game of bingo.

- Would've been better than this. - Shut up.

- You call this a beach? - Here, Dad, can you put this up?

Here you are.

Oh, he's all right. He's playing with that little boy.

Nah, let your mother have a go. Here, put that up.

Mum can't do it!

- Can't do any bloody thing, can you? - Stop messing about. Everyone's looking.

- You know I can't do it! - Bloody helpless, you women are.

He should've stayed... He should've stayed in the pub,

- he should've. - 'Course he should've.

Bundle of fun on an 'oliday he is.

- Where's this thing go? - Here you are, Mum.

I've done that one.

- You can sit in there. All right? - Ooh, lovely.

Make yourself comfortable. Want your bag?

- All right, love. - Here you are, then.

Attention, pleas e.

- I'm afraid if campers continue... - I'm gonna have a packed lunch later on.

- to use toilet rolls as streamers... - Oh, this is nice, innit?

we shall have to install streamers in the toilets.

Ooh, I did have a nice little nap.

Want a nice cup of tea, Walter? Walt...

Oh, my God. He's buried him!

This kid's buried your dad!

- Come on, give us a hand. - Oh! Oh, Mum!

Walter! Oh, my God!

Look at this. It's terrible!

- Oh, my God! - What's the matter?

Here, what are you two doing?

What are we doing? We're trying to rescue me husband.

He's under here.

- What are you talkin' about? - What?

Eh?

He's here! Oh, Dad! Blooming ungrateful!

We-We were trying to save your life. Weren't we?

- You gave me such a fright. - All right, no need to get...

- All right, no need to get excited. - Come on.

Blimey, getting worked up like that.

- Here, where the hell's my wallet? - Oh, I don't know where your wallet is.

Well, it was in here, woman. I bet that little sod's buried it.

Get off out of it before I kick you up the harris. Go on!

Get off out of it before I get...

Aah!

Right.

Oi!

What do you think you're doing?

What do you think I'm... I'm looking for me bloody wallet.

Yeah, well, be more bloody careful.

- Now, now, now... - Don't bloody swear at me, mate!

Give over.

Let's not let any unpleasantness

mar our holiday happiness.

Tell him to keep his nose out of my bloody affairs.

- Yes, and I won't forget. - No, elephants rarely do, do they, mate?

That's not a very nice attitude.

What's it got to do with you? Get back to your ice-cream van.

Eh? I'll have you know that you're in the presence

- of a judo expert. - You what?

- I'm a third dan. - Oh, yeah?

Don't bother me, mate. I'm not interested in anybody who came third.

First or second, that's me, mate. Don't you worry.

Oh, wait till I get started on you.

- You are asking for bother. - Oh, yeah?

And bother you will get.

Well, come on, let's have you, sunshine.

I've got a bionic finger here.

- I once spoke to Brian London. - Dad!

And I've seen photographs of Muhammad Ali.

- What? - Yeah, got you worried now.

- Come on, this is a fight to the death. - Stop it! Stop it!

When I get my second wind, there'll be murder here.

- Hey! - What?

The pubs are open.

- Are they? - Yes.

- Shall we call it a draw? - Yes. Let's go and have a pint.

Here, come on. Did you do a bit in the army, did you?

Yeah. I fought with the battalion.

- Did you? W-What were you in? - Catering Corps.

Did you know Harry Harper?

- Was he in the Catering Corps? - He were in the Army.

So, ladies and gentlemen,

to continue with our bi-weekly progress report

and self-evaluation session.

I'm happy to say

that the increased emphasis on competition

is paying dividends.

The whole spirit of the camp is now bursting

with a newfound vim, vigour, verve, and dynamism.

Hmm?

A dynamism, however, which must be reciprocated

in your own efforts.

And anyone who does not measure up to standard

will be removed without qualm or quibble.

Hear, hear.

Which brings me to you, Noggett and Lea.

I have read your recommendations for the beauty contest,

and, in the main, I agree.

However, I think we need another dimension.

There are other aspects of feminine merit

which deserve a chance of a reward,

such things as intelligence, sunny disposition,

talent, thoughtfulness.

Yes.

Talent...

Intelligence...

Thoughtfulness...

And a sunny disposition.

This is what our beauty queen will have.

Eh?

On the other hand, we could have a baking contest.

Right. Now, look, let's get this beauty contest tied up.

I want all the cakes on tables all round the hall,

and I think we'll have the rostrum at the other...

Hey, you. You! What's up with you?

Ah, well, I was just looking out for Whitemonk.

What for?

Well, he's always creepin' up behind you.

Well, he's not the only one. Now, listen.

Get down the kitchen staff and tell 'em we want...

Go down to the kitchen staff

and tell 'em we want a dozen folding tables,

and, while you're down there, make sure there's enough

charcoal for the sauna. Mmm?

- Right, Sid. - Good.

- Smile. - What?

So there I was, tripping on my merry little way again.

I had a definite feeling that things were on the up and up.

The rain was getting warmer,

and the wind had dropped below gale force

for the first time in weeks.

Everything in the garden was lovely.

Except for the flowers. They'd all been nicked.

Oh, blimey.

Oh, blimey.

Oh.

I didn't know it was a mixed sauna today.

Oh, no, it's not.

You see, I've just got a bit of knob trouble.

- What? - Er, I c-couldn't get the thing

on the, er, thing.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Hmm. I expect the heat will soon loosen that up.

Yes, I expect it will.

It is hot in here, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

Especially with all those clothes on.

Yes.

Why don't you take them off?

Take them off?!

Well, you do look a bit strange in a sauna

with all your clothes on.

Oh, yes, yes. Suppose you're right.

We, er, don't want anybody

to get the wrong idea now, do we?

No.

Ah, Miss Dubois, whither bound?

With a bound what, Monsieur Whitemonk?

Oh, I see my, er... my question has outstripped

your rudimentary knowledge of our language.

- Bloody frog. - Pardon?

I was wondering where you were going.

Perhaps you would care to accompany me on my rounds?

Never forget, Miss Dubois,

surveillance is the watchdog of efficiency.

I'm, er... sorry about Thursday.

Um...

- Thursday? - Yes, the beauty contest rehearsal.

You asked me to enter. Don't you remember?

Oh, yes, of course.

I just don't recognise you without your, um...

- Um... Make-up on. - Oh...

My husband wouldn't let me enter. He said I was too fat.

That's why I'm here, actually.

- "Too fat"? - Mmm.

He must be round the twist. You're...

Oh, er, sorry.

You're very, very desirable.

Oh, do you really think so?

Oh, yes!

- In fact... - Yes?

- ...if I wasn't so busy... - Oh, yes!

...I would do something about it.

Fanny Cradock's a lovely girl. And the g...

Oh! Ooh! Just averted a disaster there, sir..

I'm just getting ready for the cookery class.

Marvellous idea, that of yours, sir, about the baking contest.

Funny thing is, I was thinking on something

on the same lines myself.

The thought does you credit, Lionel.

Oh, thank you, sir. I do love a boost.

Well, I'd better go and stick my buns in the oven.

Ta-ra!

♪ La-di-da, la-di-da-di-da... ♪

I wonder if he's got it in him.

I would be very surprised.

He couldn't make a worse entertainments officer

than Noggett or Lea.

I must get one of these installed when I get home.

Really? Oh!

I mean a sauna.

- She means a sauna. - Oh, yes!

I think I can speak with some authority.

I did once make a day trip to Calais and...

A streaker!

Pardon?

Un... streakeur!

Ah.

A streaker?

That's what I bleedin' said.

As if we haven't got enough problems.

Now, we got some bloody streaker runnin' round the plain.

Oh, yes, Sid.

Sid, er... This has packed up.

- Look, it's broken. - Oh, gaw blimey.

- There's no peace, is there, eh? - No.

Can't you see I'm trying to do me relaxation yoga, eh?

Oh, give it here, will ya?

- Family keeping out of trouble, are they? - Oh, yes, Sid.

- They're knackered, actually. - Good.

- Guess where they've gone this afternoon? - Go on.

- Lionel's cookery classes! - Oh, aye?

He's teaching 'em how to make fairy cakes.

Yeah? Well, nobody could be better equipped for the test, could they, eh?

Look!

Try and be a bit more practical, will ya?

Oh! Yes, Sid. You can rely on me.

Aah! You bloody fool!

"Practical."

Then, something amazing happened.

The sun came out.

Some of the staff who'd only been at the camp a few years

had never seen it.

Sid, of course, suggested charging it as an extra,

but he settled for renting out sunglasses and deckchairs instead.

I was just happy to be copping a spot of the ultraviolet

rather than the ultra-violence.

Ah! Morning!

Oh, the sun brought out the crumpet all right,

but it also meant I had to get all the beach toys ready.

And Sid was thinking of charging for them, too.

Attention, please!

Again, I apologise.

There is a printing error on tonight's supper menu.

It should read "toad in the hole".

Timmy?

Oh! Hi.

Um, you seem to be, how you say, pensive?

No, I was just thinking.

- I have been thinking, too. - Oh.

Timmy, I have to have it out with you.

Oh, yes?

It was you streaking round the camp, wasn't it?

- No! - I recognised you.

No. I wasn't actually streaking...

What has happened to the Timmy I used to know?

- Nothing. - Have you become so blasé about sex

that you have to resort to that?

- No, of course not, but, um... - Oh, it is so sad, Timmy.

You know that the real thing is much, much better.

- Well, of course I know that, Brigitte. - Let me remind you.

Oh, um...

Oh!

What is the problem?

Ah, you've been serving lolly-ices, haven't you?

Oh, do not worry. I will soon warm him up.

Oh, goody!

- Come along, Noggett. - Yes, sir.

- Sit down. - Oh. Thank you, sir.

Two beers, please, miss.

Now then, Noggett,

this streaking fiend must be found.

- Oh, I agree. - Otherwise, your position

with my organisation will be in jeopardy.

Jeopardy? I didn't know we had a place there, sir.

Don't try my patience, Noggett.

Thank you, miss.

Now, I have... Pay attention!

Now, I have pulled off another brilliant coup,

and I don't want it ruined by this naked lunatic.

Do you know who is going to be accompanying

our beauty competition?

Alberto Smarmi.

- Alberto Smarmi? - Alberto Smarmi.

- You mean, Mr Piano Magic himself? - Mr Piano Magic.

- The wop with the candles! - The wop...

"The wop with the candles"?

I would hardly have chosen that method of describing a man

whose music has brought pleasure to countless millions.

No, of course not, sir.

Even if he is a bloody Eyetie.

Anyway, somewhere there lurks a deranged nutter

who could ruin all my future plans for Funfrall.

This man must be found, Noggett!

- Mon brave! - Oh, oui.

Ah!

Right, sir, I'll get right on... Oh!

This pervert exists, and I want him found!

What is the matter with you, man?

Er... Nothing, sir. I'll, er...

I think your brain is softening, lad.

Will you pay attention when I'm talking to you?

Er... Er... Er...

Noggett, I want this man found.

- I want searches instituted... - Sir...

- ...all over the camp. - I-I will.

I want twenty-four-hour patrols, guard dogs if necessary.

- But I want this man found. - Right! Right, sir! Right! Yes!

Brigitte! Get my trunks!

My trunks!

- Give me my trunks! - Timmy!

- Ooh! - Oh!

Mark my words, Noggett. If we do not catch this man,

we'll have the whole camp at it!

- Oh, God! - Noggett!

Noggett, are you listening to me?

- Yes, yes, yes. - We are approaching a crisis, man.

Will you please pay attention?

I mean, this entire establishment could crumble before my eyes

- if we're not careful. - Oh!

I am not under a strain, Noggett.

Neither am I suffering from delusions.

Noggett.

Noggett, I don't know what ails you, lad,

but if you were a horse, I'd have you shot.

I could be talking to meself.

Oh! Noggett! That's him, that's him!

- What are you sitting there for? Come on! - Right! That's right, sir! Let's get him!

Looks as if he got away, sir. Drat it!

We have got to catch this man, Noggett.

Oh, yes, sir.

- Your position depends on it. - My position?

Sir? Sir!

Oh! Hello! Oh, I see.

And that was "Any Way That You Want Me" by the Allcomers.

And now, a request for Dave Richards for his mum and dad.

"Wishing you all a smashing holiday."

- Have you got a request? - Oh, well, I could have, yes.

No, I'm a holiday host, actually, yes.

Haven't seen you before.

Oh, that's 'cause I never get out of this place.

- Ah. - It isn't half hot in here.

- Yeah... - What can I do for you?

Well, um...

Well, perhaps you could make a few announcements about the beauty contest.

Um...

- Well, perhaps you could enter, eh? - Oh, no such luck.

I used to have a smashing time when I was working in the camp.

But now, I'm stuck in here.

Oh, left alone with your...

- mammaries. - Yes.

I mean, memories.

- Yes. - Yes.

- Yes. - Yes.

- Oh, yes! - Yes?

Here, shut up, shut up, listen.

Blimey, they can't leave anything alone these days, can they?

It's one of your classics, that.

Listen to what they're doing to it.

Listen to that.

I mean, that's adding nothing to it, is it?

Well, you gotta move with the times, ain't ya?

I'm trying to think who's doing it. Let's see...

- Filth! - Where?

Not you, dear.

Oh, Sid, have you got the key to the chalet?

Oh, definitely. You're not wrong.

Here, her asthma hasn't started again, has it?

Eh?

- Where-Where are they going? - Oh, you wouldn't understand.

Oh! Ooh!

Now, you keep this to yourself, love, all right? Ooh!

What are you trying to do, eh?

- Drive me into the bloody nuthouse? - No, Sid!

Flashing yourself all over the camp!

Broadcastin' your sex life

for everybody to hear!

Oh, God al-bloody-mighty!

Talk about biting the hand that lays the golden egg.

Do you realise, kid... Do you realise

that, if anything, but anything, goes wrong

on this build-up to this beauty contest,

you and I, sailor, are out of a job, eh?

- Yes, I realise all that, Sid! - Yeah.

And Whitemonk was only hinting at a transfer to Jeopardy.

- Do you know where...? - You know, that's funny, Sid.

He said he was gonna send me to Limbo.

- Ah. - Yeah.

Yeah, well, either way, we've got a lot to lose, haven't we?

- Yeah. - Now, listen to me.

Have you yet decided on the judging panel?

- Huh?! - Yes, Sid, yes! Hang on! Um...

- Here we are. Um... - Really?

- We've got the vicar... - The vicar.

...the mayor, Mr Whitemonk, of course.

And he wants his wife to come down.

- Apparently she's very keen, yes. - Oh.

- And, talking about the beauty contest... - Yeah?

Guess who's entering, eh?

Rosie. That's a laugh, innit, eh?

A laugh, innit? It's a little laugh.

A laugh?

Have you taken entire leave of your bloody senses?

- No, Sid! - Eh? Did you think that, for a second,

I'm gonna let a load of bloody layabouts

gawp at my Rosie

in the almost altogether?

You have entirely blown your bloody tiny mind, man.

Because I can assure you, Timmo,

there is no way, but no way,

that my Rosie is going to enter this beauty contest!

- Get it?! - Yes, Sid.

Right. That's settled, then.

I'm gonna go in for the beauty competition,

- and Mum can bake a cake. - But, Rosie...

Now, listen. If you wanna do something useful, you can unbung that sink.

Right? It's blocked up.

I'm going down to the beach with Jason and Mum and Dad. Bye.

No, Rosie, come here! You come here!

- Don't you walk out on me. - Well, you certainly told her, Sid.

- Oh, you... - Ah!

No, no. Shall I, er... Shall I get on to Maintenance?

- Maintenance? - Yes, 'cause of the tap.

- Maintenance?! - Yes!

You don't need to get onto Maintenance

for a little job like that, do ya?

- I mean, what would Whitemonk say? - Well, he'd...

"A holiday host is supposed to show..."

"...some initiative."

Just joking, Sid.

Hmm. You ought to get hold of one of these.

- I'll go and get one, Sid. - Not now!

- Not now? - Not now!

No, you come over here and watch what I'm doing, right?

I'll probably get one later, Sid.

Oh, God. There's probably something...

Look at this! It's been leaking all over the bloody carpet.

Oh, dear.

There's probably something caught in this trap here.

- Yeah, you got it, Sid. - Just a minute. I got it, yeah.

It's coming.

- You done it, Sid? - Yeah.

- Right, soon check. - That's done it, yeah.

- Right, right. - Oh!

- Aah! - Seems to be working.

You bloody fool! Turn it off! Turn...

Look, what is wrong with you?

Sid, it wasn't my fault! I was just seeing if it was flowing all right.

Oh, it's not gonna be the only thing that'll be flowing round here, mate.

Look, this tap's still leaking! Look!

- Well, you fix it, then, eh? - Oh, yes.

- I'm not gonna do everything around here. - Oh, right, Sid. Right.

I'll fix it.

God! God, give me patience! Give me patience!

- I'll go and get you some patience. - Just a minute, you.

If you want a job doing,

- you've gotta do it yourself. - Yourself.

If you want it done properly.

- Right, Sid. - Don't ya? Just go on.

All right, there we are.

Now look what you've gone and bloody...

Well, go and get something! Don't just stand there! Do something!

I'll do something! Oh, yes! I'll get...

Come on, quick! Don't panic!

- I'm not panicking, Sid! - Well, panic now, will ya!

Put it under there, quick!

You bloody fool!

I'm just about to kill you with this, I'm tellin' ya!

Not down there! Oh, God, no! Put it under! That's right!

- Out there! - Oh! Yeah.

Sid!

Quickly, quickly! More!

Look, look, look!

Why don't you go outside, turn off the...

Turn off the... Oh!

- Turn off the stopcock, Sid. - Yes! Yes!

Stopcock! Stop the stopcock!

Kevin.

What's the matter, son?

This bloke emptied a potty over me, Dad.

Don't be so ridiculous! What bloke?

- Wha...! - Oh!

Whoa!

Right.

Right!

Get back to your mother.

No, it wasn't me! It was the other fella!

You've got the wrong fella.

Stop it, please! Stop!

No! It's not me! Don't...

Sid! It's all right, Sid! I've stopped the cock!

Sid! Sid! I've done it! I've stopped the cock!

Sid?

Where are you, Sid?

Sid... Oh, there you are, Sid.

I said I've managed to stop the thingy, yes.

Oh...

Um...

I think I, er... better get on to Maintenance.

- Maintenance? - Yes, 'cause the...

Maintenance!

Oh, fantastique! Wonderful!

Yeah! Whoo-whoo!

Wonderful, Lionel!

- How's that, Brigitte? - Very good!

Oh, I'm all wet! Now, take the ski.

- Oh, très bon, Lionel. - And the other one.

Yeah, right, here we are. All you've got to do...

That's right, dear.

Just bend the knees like I told you.

- Bend the knees. - Oui.

And let... Let the...

Let the boat pull you. Ooh!

Naughty!

- Don't pull on the rope. - Ah, oui.

And, whatever you do, keep your legs together, dear. That's the thing.

- Timmy! Did you see Lionel? - Yeah, great.

You're a man of many parts, Lionel.

Oh, cheeky monkey!

- Do you waterski, then? - Me?

Well, yes, of course I ski.

Nothing spectacular, of course.

No.

Well, look, I tell you what, I'll give you a tow.

- What, now? - Mmm.

Well, don't you even want to try?

- Once you are up, it is very easy. - Eh?

- Yes. - Oh, yeah.

Right. No jumping, though.

- Come on, then. - Right.

And this, sir, is our new waterskiing facility,

as you suggested, of course, sir.

It's proving very popular with the public.

Hey. Where are you going?

- Er... - You can't waterski.

I don't know yet. Haven't tried, Sid.

- Over here, sir... - No, no, no, no, Noggett. Never mind that.

Let's watch this man.

- This could be very interesting. - Oh, no, sir...

- Come on! - You don't wanna watch that.

This could be quite interesting.

But, sir...

Noggett, will you please shut up?

I'm not in the least interested.

Are you ready, ducky?

Okay.

Ah, um...

Hang on a minute! Hang on!

Noggett, I'll...

I'll get you for this, Noggett!

Help! Stop, Brigitte!

Marvellous! He's still up.

Help! Help! Stop!

Be careful! Hold on!

Stop!

Come on, Timmy! Very good! Wonderful!

Be careful now! Timmy!

- Blast it! You... bloody... - Sorry, sir!

Oh, sir, I'll help you out, sir.

- There we go. - Oi, you...

- It's a nice day... - ...stupid...

Oh. You. Um...

Pool.

I don't need to tell you, Noggett,

- I am not at all happy. - No, sir.

Your position with this camp, lad, hangs by a thread.

If it were not for this beauty competition,

I would have no hesitation

in sacking you on the spot, and...

Sid, I've got some...

Oh! Um, Sid, I've got some good news about the, um...

Don't skulk in the corner, lad! Come into the room!

Now I come to think of it...

Sorry, sir. Hello?

Hello, Silly Willy! It's Woofsie.

I'm at the silly old station, and they've run out of taxis,

and I wondered if you'd like to get into a jalopy and

♪ Come and get me ♪

Er, Silly Willy...

Er, I mean, Mr Whitemonk, sir, I think it's for you.

- It's Woofles. - Woofles?

Yes. She wants you to pick her up from the station.

Hang on.

Yes, yes. And can you bring Mr Squidgy with you?

Give me that!

Hello!

Antonia! It is you, my love.

Good gracious!

It's my wife.

Ah...

What's that, treasure?

Yes, yes, don't you worry.

I'll send someone down with a car to collect you.

Behave yourself, now, and don't talk to any strange men.

If you like, sir, I'll go along right...

You stay right where you are, Noggett.

You and I have got plenty to be getting on with.

For a start, we haven't caught this damn streaker.

No! Sir, it can't be me!

This man can go.

- Er, Mrs Whitemonk? - Yes.

Ah, yes, well, I'm sorry I'm late.

I got a little behind, I'm afraid.

So I see! You should have got me one.

Where's my husband?

- Oh, he's a bit tied up at the moment. - Oh, never mind.

I expect you'll make a very good substitute.

Oh. Well, I try, yes.

Is there anything you want me to, er, put inside?

Mind reader!

Ooh!

Oh, I can't drive any further, Mrs Whitemonk.

We've nearly had three very serious accidents.

- You could have got us killed! - What a lovely way to go!

Oh, what's the matter?

Don't you find me attractive?

Well, of course I do, but it's your husband.

You mean you find him more attractive than me?

No! No, no, no.

No, he's on the point of sacking me as it is.

Oh.

I'm the driving force in this operation,

when I can find the right steering column.

Oh, look!

I just like to stir the juices.

Fairs always turn me on.

- Yes. - Oh, look.

Just one quick ride,

- and then I'll be good as gold. - Aah!

Listen. If I may ask, Mrs White...

Get off, will you? Um, where did you meet your husband?

Oh, I was on the prisoners' aid committee

- and he was the chief screw. - Oh. Aah!

Wait, please! Look, we must get to the office!

Oh!

I love fairs.

- And I love affairs! - Aah!

No! Your husband will be getting very, very anxious.

Supposing I told him that you'd made a pass at me?

He's insanely jealous!

Well, you wouldn't do that, would you?

Not if you made a pass at me.

- Let's go in here. - No! Definitely... Aah!

Mrs Whitemonk, I might lose my job.

Oh, I'd rather you lost your clothes.

Quick! Take them off!

I want to drink from the glistening chalice of your body.

Oh!

Here, it's years since I've seen one of these things.

Yeah, and that's not the only thing.

- You're too old for all that. - Oh, go on, Dad!

- Give Mum a thrill. - Oh, that'll be the day.

One of these weeks I'm gonna come into season

and give you a shock.

Walter!

Oi, here! Come on, it's free!

Is it? I can just about afford that. You wanna bunk up?

Oh, Walter!

I bet that brought back a few memories.

Hold it still while I get on, son.

Mind you don't burn your hand.

- Ta-ra, Rose! - Ta-ra, love!

Send me a postcard!

Behave yourselves!

Wahey!

Hey, Rosie! Here!

- You seen Timmy, have ya? - No.

Oh, thank God for that.

Ooh, ain't it lovely?

Ooh, look at that!

Bloody thing looks like our vicar.

Here, look at this one!

I'm more frightening than that.

Oh, I'm frightened!

Walter!

I'm glad it's free. I wouldn't have...

Here! Here, that looks like Timmy!

- I'm sure it's Timmy. - Ah, they'll bring pornography

- into anything nowadays. - Oh, shut up, Walter.

- Noggett! - Oh, yes, sir.

Noggett, have you seen my wife?

Oh, don't worry, sir. She's being seen to.

I hope so, lad, because I will hold you responsible

if she is not in very good hands.

Good God! Antonia!

Oh, poor darling, what a shame.

I've completely worn you out.

Oh, Gawd. I can't take much more of this.

Sid.

- Oh, no! - I just came to remind you.

It's the contest tomorrow, honey.

- Yes, I know. - So I'm gonna be nice to you

if you're nice to me.

Look, listen, can we just go and talk...

- Er... In the cupboard! - What?

- Quick, get in the cupboard! - I'm not going in there!

Yes, you are! Quick!

I'm, er, sorry to trouble you.

I wondered if you, er, remembered your promise?

- Promise? - Yes.

You said you were going to try

and help me improve my chances for the, er, competition.

Yes, I've got another couple of those in there.

- In the cupboard! The cupboard! - Oh!

- In the cupboard. Quick! - Oh! There's no room!

Oh! Oh, darling!

- Ooh, I've come, I've come! - Aah!

My husband.

Oh! In the cupboard! Yes!

- I don't want her! Get out! - Play amongst yourselves.

Er... Oh!

- Oh... - Oh...

- Oh... - Oh-oh-oh...

Oh, mon petit chou, I've been so very worried about you.

Why you do these things?

- Je ne sais pas. - You need help.

Oui.

Oh, mon Dieu! Er... That must be Mr Whitemonk.

- Well, in the cupboard, quick. - Timmy!

Timmy, you have been deceiving me.

Well, I, er... couldn't afford mothballs.

Ah. Now, the time has come for me to make a stand.

- Oh, don't look at me, dear. - Don't mock. Don't mock.

Ever since you and that Noggett creature came here,

this camp has sunk into a mass of depravity.

Look at this! Look at it!

I've been hiding my light under a bushel for too long.

- Yes, I should hope so too, dear. - Hmm?

- Oh, nothing. I was just... - I've been keeping an eye on you, Lea.

I've got reason to believe that you are the phantom streaker.

- What? Me? - Yes, you. Oh, filth!

And, furthermore...

Furthermore, you got a woman in that cupboard, have you?

- Oh, no, no, that's just one of my... - I'm warning you, Lea,

I'm bent on exposure.

Yes, I always wondered what it was.

Eh?

No. Now, look, Lionel, please...

I've given my suspicions to Mr Whitemonk,

and he's gonna come in in a minute.

- Yes, so stand aside. - No! No! Lionel, please!

I appeal to you.

Mmm, it'd be different if you did. Now, stand aside.

- No, don't! Don't do that! - I'm glad it's...

Just a few close friends I asked round for tea.

Oh!

Lionel!

Good God, not him!

So you're the streaker!

I've been framed! I mean... Oh!

One, two...

Freddie, it's not working, dear. It's not working.

One, two, buckle my shoe.

Er, Freddie, dear, would you mind pulling your finger out of that?

Oh, whoops!

All right. Just a giggle, just a giggle.

I'll see to that. You go and join the ladies.

They're waiting for you.

One, two, testing! Ah!

One, two! One, two, three!

Is it on, Wally?

Can you hear me in the games room?

Psst, psst! She's here.

Thank you!

Got the turn here for you now, before the beauty competition.

This turn's cost us a lot of money,

so I want you to listen.

You're on your holiday, so do as you're told.

Thank you. That's a bit better. Thank you.

Now, this turn has just come back from a successful tour

of the Conservative clubs in Moscow.

He is very famous on radio, on television, and on films.

I want a big clap for him 'cause he's a big turn.

Give over now this time for...

Alberto Smarmi!

Oh, lovely!

Oh, I'm so nervous.

What have you got to feel nervous about?

What do you mean?

Well, you are the boss' wife, aren't you?

It's a handy way of keeping five hundred pound in the family.

- What are you incinerating? - Oh, bitch, bitch!

Now, come on, girls, we're on. Walk this way.

Blimey, I thought I already did.

- Ooh, they've started! - Oh, yeah.

Here, Walter, look.

- Put it on that plate with "F" on it. - With "F" on it?

- Yes, that's the one. - You sure? Right, then.

Walter!

Run out of self-raising, did they?

Gawd, dear oh dear!

That really is one of your rock cakes, innit?

Ooh!

Sid. Sid!

Er... What do you want me to do?

I don't want you to do anything, right?

I don't want you to touch anything.

I don't want you to speak to anybody.

I want you to stay well away.

Is that clear?

Perfectly, Sidney.

Good.

Very kind of you to agree to be one of our judges, Mr Mayor.

Well, when I heard press were coming, I couldn't refuse it, could I?

As you will see, our celebrity judges have arrived

for the Funfrall Beauty Competition,

and I think we ought to give them all

a very big welcome.

Thank you!

I regret to announce

that the celebrity compère hasn't arrived.

Eh? So I'll do it.

Walter!

I've got all these girls here now

who are trying to win this coveted title.

We'll have the first girl, please.

We'll have you.

What is your name?

Er... It says here, you're from Birmingham.

Don't they speak there?

What are your hobbies?

All the time?

Oh. Big round of applause for our first girl. Thank you.

Back to your place, love.

Right, could we have the next girl, then, please?

Ooh, that one. Come on.

- Are you a friend of hers? - Yes.

Can't win 'em all, can you?

- Well, what's your name? - Glad.

I didn't ask you what you were, I said, "what's your name?"

- Glad. - Oh. Where-Where d'ya live?

- Birmingham. - Oh.

And what's your hobbies?

Well, I like to ride... horses.

Oh, very good!

Back to your place. Big clap for this girl, thank you.

Have you next, love, thank you.

Have you next, please.

Stop gassing. Come on, love.

Oh, you've had a bit of sun, have you?

As well as...

What-What...

What-What's your... What's your name?

Blackbird.

What's the other one called?

What's your hobbies?

Oi! What do you think you're doing? Can't you see...

No... It was the little... thing...

No, it was, um... the little...

Down in the forest, something stirred.

The jungle tom-toms spoke.

And some deep, primitive force,

half as old as time, was guiding her towards me,

like an angry black pudding on legs.

Hello.

- Oh! - Tim! Oh, I'm so sorry, sir...

Please! Please! Sir...

Mr Mayor...

Mr Mayor, I hope you won't

let this little incident spoil your day.

Oh, Lionel, you're magnifique!

Oh, I'm a devil when I'm roused, dear.

- You know that. Oh, yeah. - Oh. Oh, bonjour!

I think you have come over a little queer.

No, I think I've just given it up.

Sid! Sid! Over here!

- Timmo! Timmo! - Sid!

Oh, brains, you berk.

Couldn't you get anything better than this?

It's all I could find! Come on, get on!

- That's it, pedal! Pedal! Right! - Oh!

We're going that way, not that way!

Get some speed up, you berk!

- Where are they, Sid? - Look out, you bloody monkey! Pedal!

- Go faster, Sid! - They're gaining on us!

This way!

Move those short, hairy bloody legs!

Which way?

That way!

- Sorry, Sid. Sorry, Sid! - You...

Well, there you go.

You don't have to shove more than half a dozen custard pies

down the front of my Y-fronts before I can take a hint.

Time to look for a new career opportunity.

No, seriously. We've got to find something

more suited to our talents.

Brain surgery, maybe.

Or plumbing, perhaps.

I've been a bit worried about my plumbing lately.

♪ So give me England every time, my dear

♪ Give me England any time of year

♪ Come on, everybody, raise a cheer

♪ Far and near

♪ For the birds and the booze

♪ Now that summer's here!

♪ In 1970, we went to Italy

♪ To sample all the delights

♪ Down in Napoli ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ The signorinas there

♪ Could not be keener there

♪ But I've a scar from her pa

♪ To prove I've been to there!

♪ So give me England every time, my dear

♪ Give me England any time of year

♪ Come on, everybody, raise a cheer ♪

♪ Far and near

♪ For the birds and the booze SUBTITLES BY POWERHOUSE FILMS LTD

♪ Now that summer's here! ♪ SUBTITLES BY POWERHOUSE FILMS LTD

Could I have your attention, please?

A little boy has been found.

He answers to the name of Willy.

He's wearing a blue T-shirt and red trunks.

Will his daddy please come and collect his little Willy.