Original subtitles

- Good morning, ladies and germs,

and what a lovely morning it is.

That was Perfume for Boys with Wednesday My Diary.

Up next is one of my favorite bands

and their new hit single Cannon Load.

♪ I pack my cannon

♪ With powder and steel

♪ Inspect the barrel

♪ Black sex appeal

♪ Insert the fuse

♪ Down the little vent hole

♪ Tighten the trunnions

♪ Pour in a double load

♪ Whatever you do

♪ Whatever I say

♪ Love from the gun, baby, headin' your way ♪

♪ I ready the charge

♪ Stay back till I say

♪ Check out my guns as I blow you away ♪

♪ With my cannon load

♪ With my cannon load

♪ With my cannon load

- Hey, Dr. Zartan.

- Hello, ladies, lovely dancing this morning.

- Thank you.

- Jenny, we really need to talk about your grades.

Why don't you come by my house later,

and we'll turn your D-minus into a C-minus?

- Yeah, I could probably use the tutoring.

- Me too, Jenny, me too.

Sharon? - Mhm?

- You can watch.

- What is he saying?

- Oh, that's Southern.

- Southern, you sure?

I think that's like Tunisian or something.

- No, he'd definitely a Southern man.

I love Southern men.

- Mm, fried chicken, baby.

You're so smart.

You're like that genius, Steven B. Gutenberg.

- Hey, ladies.

- Hey, Todd.

- Hey, sexy ladies, you like beats with music?

- Hey, hot canes, do you like the milk, ya?

- I like milk.

- Ya.

- We gotta get to class.

- Well, all right.

We'll see you fine ladies later.

- Memories.

- Memories.

- I gotta get to class.

♪ So help me Jesus Christ

♪ System dragging me down

♪ I am middle ground

♪ Something holdin' me down

- Read pages 13 by Monday.

Make sure you know all the material.

Sharon, I want to speak with you for a moment.

Sharon, we need to talk about your grades.

- What's up?

- You're getting fat.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Poor girl.

Ah, good morning, Community College Commander.

Good morning, everyone.

How was class today, Professor Shipwreck?

- Well, funny you should say that.

- Destro and I

are having a meeting regarding

next semester's upcoming budgetary constraints.

It would be glorious to see you there.

- Well, I don't know if I can,

but I will make an effort to try.

- Excellent.

Keep up the good work, Professor Shipwreck.

- Thank you, Community College Commander.

- Good day, kind sirs.

I look forward to seeing you at the meeting.

- Ow!

- Hey, ladies.

- Hey, Todd.

- Hey, Sharon, nice skirt.

Where'd you get it?

- Thanks, Gary, I got it at the Gash.

- Really? - Yeah.

- I didn't know they made plus sizes.

- Are you guys going to Miss Johnson's party on Friday?

- Ah, fuck!

Ah, fuck!

- Of course we're going.

We knew aboit this party like a year ago.

You going?

- Um, I just said we were going.

- Yeah, I know.

You need directions, let me know.

- We've been there like 10 times.

I think we know how to get there.

- Do you think you could give me directions?

- I'll give you directions, Todd.

- We'll find it, thanks.

- Whatever, Gary.

Later, Todd.

- We can't be late for work,

otherwise Miss Johnson will spank us again.

- Good arm, Todd.

Oh, fuck.

Is that blood?

- Okay, ladies, how you doing this morning, huh?

You're lookin' pretty good.

Pretty good.

You're lookin' good, ladies.

Now, guess what we're gonna do today?

We're gonna break up into teams of four.

Can you count to four?

- One, two, three, four.

- Great!

That's great.

And you know how we're gonna bring home the bacon

and keep this place open?

I'll tell you how, tits and ass.

Now show me your tits and ass, lady.

Come on, come on.

Yeah, come on, that's it, that's it.

Oh, very, very good.

Okay, also we're gonna add smiles and winks.

Smiles and winks.

Very, very good.

Now, don't forget we also have to scrub and wax.

Scrub and wax.

Come on ladies, scrub and wax.

Yeah, oh, that's good.

Okay, looks like we're in good shape.

Sharon, I need to speak to you for a minute.

Everybody else, take your positions.

Now, Sharon, your performance has been declining

a little bit.

You were five minutes late today.

And you need to lose weight.

So get up there, shake your ass, work that tail,

and make me some money.

Fuckin' ass, yes!

♪ What's with these unis, they're really bad ♪

♪ Hey, where'd you 'em, the local Walmart store ♪

♪ How 'bout some snakeskin and black leather chaps ♪

♪ That would ne nice, we're on another thing ♪

♪ Oh, we're off to war tonight

♪ But we won't fight unless we look tight ♪

♪ Sexy civil war

♪ Give me your sexy, sexy civil war, yeah ♪

♪ Give me some bullets strapped on a belt ♪

♪ You keep the musket

- Can I get the rim job?

Then I want you to wash my car with your tits.

♪ Let's fight another man

♪ Oh, we're off to war tonight

♪ But we won't fight unless we look tight ♪

♪ We want sexy, sexy civil war

♪ Give me a sexy, sexy civil war, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, we're off to war tonight

♪ But we won't fight

- Well, hello, Scarlet.

Fancy meeting you here.

I didn't even know girls worked.

- Hi, Dr. Zartan.

- It's Dr. Zartan.

- Oh, right, sorry.

What can I do for you?

- I'll have a wash and a bikini wax.

- You got it.

♪ Civil war

♪ We want a sexy civil war

♪ Give me a sexy civil war

♪ We want a sexy

- Hey, Dr. Zartan, weren't you just here?

- No, I was mud bogging in Peru.

The indigenous people there are lovely.

Backward, but lovely.

- Okay, freak.

- What the fuck, motherfucker?

- Hey, ladies, how's the washing going?

- Stand back, girls, 'cause you're about to get burnt

by a white-hot thunder.

- Who runs this shithole?

- Hey sexy lady, you have strong meat fingers.

Maybe we go for a date and eat pink taco?

- What the fuck do you want?

- You run this place?

'Cause I just got out of juvy, and I'm lookin' for a job.

- Oh yeah?

You think you have what it takes to run with my girls?

What's your name, PYT?

- It ain't Billie Jean, it's Lucy.

- Well, I'll see you tomorrow, Lucy.

Now beat it.

- That was a killer knife fight, huh?

- Yeah, it was the jam.

- I heard she just got out of juvy.

- I heard that too.

- You know what I heard?

I heard she stole a cigarette truck,

and she drove it all the way to Canada.

- I heard she sold drugs.

- I heard she killed a guard in the joint.

- I heard she's dike.

- You think everyone's a dike.

- Oh, great spirit, we're trying to contact

our beloved friend Portia.

Portia, speak to us from beyond the grave.

Oh my God, it's working.

Portia, is that you?

Well, if it's not you, who is it?

W-I-L-L.

- Willimena?

- It's William, you ham-fisted cunts.

- Yeah, she's right, it is William.

- L-E-S-C-H

E-N-S-K-Y.

Le-what?

Is that French?

- I think it's Polish.

- Yeah, Mercedes is right, it's Leschensky.

- Who is that?

- Does anyone know him?

- No way, I hate foreigner.

- Wait, guys, it's moving again.

- C-H-S.

- That's an E, you fucking idiot.

- F, Chef.

Are you sure that's not French?

- No, the chef, Chef Death.

- Oh, right, that makes sense.

- It's okay, Jenny, he's dead.

He can't hurt us anymore.

- I know he's fucking dead.

I fucking killed him with a fucking rake.

- With a rake?

- No, she said she raped him.

Shut the fuck up!

- How the fuck could she rape him?

- With a rake.

- I get it, with a rake.

Why did you do that?

- I didn't rape him.

There was no raping.

- I heard that Lucy raped a guard in prison with a rake.

- I heard that one too.

Oh, yeah.

- Would you guys shut up?

Sodomy upsets Jenny.

- Everybody just shut the fuck up.

It was the last day of school.

My best friend Sharon and I were gonna have a slumber party

at my parents' house.

- With balloons.

- My parents were away for the weekend,

and we were gonna have all the girls over for one last night

before everybody went away to college.

We were drinking daiquiris when all of a sudden

this psychotic chef broke in and started killing my friends

one by one.

Sharon went for help.

- And Das Taco.

- I barricaded myself into the garage,

and then the chef broke in and we started fighting.

And I raped him with a rake.

- See, I told you.

- You guys, why don't you just get going.

I'm gonna calm Jenny down.

We'll see you at the carwash tomorrow.

- Yeah, see you tomorrow.

Jam.

- It's okay.

- Oh, Peaches, it's you.

- Who were you expecting, Dr. Zartan?

- My name is Professor Shipwreck.

We are here today to study astrophysics.

For this class, I will need two volunteers.

You, the neanderthal over there.

You, the vixen over there.

And you, fuck you.

Take the can of gasoline.

Now, say this can of gasoline represents the sun.

Now, we spread a thin line of gasoline to this ball

representing the Earth.

The gasoline represents--

- Hey, are you okay after what happened last night?

- I'm still a little freaked out.

It was strange that Dr. Zartan was in

the women's bathroom this morning,

but I guess there was a clog or something in the shower.

In my shower.

- No, I'm talking about the seance.

- Oh, right.

Yeah, we should totally talk to Portia about her shoes.

- No, I'm talking about the killer chef talking to us

from beyond the grave.

- Oh, yeah, that was a little freaky.

- Yeah.

Hey, you wanna get some food after class?

- Yeah, let's go to the Luftwaffle Haus.

- Totally, I want some Gorings cakes and Goebbels burgers.

- Mm.

- And that's how babies are made.

Okay, kids, see you all on Monday.

Everyone have a great weekend, except for you Sharon.

You're gonna have a miserable weekend, 'cause you're fat.

- Are you going to Miss Johnson's party on Friday night?

- I don't know.

Lst time I went, I woke up in a locked closet

with one of those really weird German guys.

- Was one Ike?

He's got a really nice mustache.

- Yeah, he does.

It's so thick and bushy.

Kind of reminds me of my father.

- Oh yeah, your dad does have a nice mustache.

Hi, Todd.

- Hey, ladies.

- So we'll see you at the party tonight?

- You bet that outdated shirt we'll be there.

- You're outdated.

- What carney did you have to blow to get that circus tent

you're wearing?

- I got this from Skirt City.

- What, what's that?

You found it in a barn?

- No.

- I heard you.

More like Shit City.

- You are such a great dancer, Todd.

- I know.

I could give you some tips sometime.

I mean tits.

- Um, okay.

- Hey, ladies, you like our love moves,

'cause we want to blast them inside you.

- USA all the way!

- What?

- You're fat.

- You ladies wanna ride with me to the carwash

in my cool truck that my dad bought me?

- Sure, Todd, you're so sweet.

- Yeah, well, I get to ride in the front.

You and the whale can ride in the back.

- Fuck you, Gary.

- You're not man enough, honey.

- Seriously.

Yeah, so she like raped him with a rake.

- Honestly, I just don't get the part about the rake.

- You know what I don't get is the other day in class,

Dr. Zartan was saying if I showed him my Bs,

he'd give me an A.

- It probably has something to do with the metric system.

The Mexicans are using that now in Canada.

- You're right.

You know something else I don't get was he was saying

that he had like a six-inch surprise for me to enjoy.

I mean, I was hoping it was like a squirrel or something,

because I told him how much I like squirrels.

And then he started talking about his nuts.

- Squirrels do like nuts.

- You're so smart.

- I know.

I'm a genius like that Steven B. Baldwin or whatever.

- Shh, .

- You're late.

Where's Lady J and Scarlet?

- What do you think I am, their keeper?

- Don't you sass me, you bitch.

Get over here.

Get over here, I'm not done with you yet.

Now, don't forget tits and ass and fuckin' elbow grease.

Now, get to it.

- Ow!

- And I'll just be in my office trying to find

some new fuckin' hot tail to cover your friends' asses,

'cause I don't have anything better to do.

And when I see 'em at the fuckin' party tonight,

I'm gonna kick 'em right in the fuckin' box.

Bitch.

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ My fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls, you cunt ♪

♪ Don't bust my balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my fuckin' balls

♪ Don't bust my balls

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls

- All right, ladies, let's hit the showers.

It's closin' time.

♪ Bitch

- Where you think you're goin', babe?

New meat picks up the sponges and the hoses.

- I'm really trying to get my grades up to a 1.13.

- I really want Todd to get it up to 1.13,

if you know what I mean.

- No.

So are you gonna go to the party tonight?

- Yeah, I'm gonna get a mustache ride from Ike.

- Where would you ride?

- Everything's put away.

- You're okay, kid.

See you at the party tonight.

- Thanks, Miss Johnson.

- It's gonna be weird going back to that house

after the seance.

- Yeah, do you think this bikini makes me look fat?

- Yes, it does.

All of my friends were butchered there by that chef,

and then Miss Johnson bought the house.

Don't you think that's weird?

- Yeah, you know that is a little weird,

but I didn't really think about it till last night.

You still wanna go, right?

- The only place you're not fat is where your tits are.

- Ye, I'm definitely going.

I totally need to blow off some steam before finals.

- Yeah, I know what you want to blow, or who.

- Shut up.

Well, I am hoping Todd shows up.

- Mhm.

- God, I heard he has a hard 1.13.

- Yeah, you have small tits.

- Fuck you, shit eater.

- Why do you have to keep bringing that up?

I told you that in confidence.

- Ew, what?

That was really scary last night

when we heard that killer chef's voice.

- You don't really believe in that crap, do you?

- Actually, well, kind of.

I knew of this guy once, and he had to have his house

exorcized because it was haunted.

And the ghost used to just shit all over the place

and not clean up.

- Bullshit.

- No, seriously, it's true.

That kinda thing happens all the time.

- Yeah, I knew a guy who shit once.

- Me too.

- Are you going to the party tonight?

- Sounds great.

Can I bring my dad?

- No.

- So you all comin' to the party tonight?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- What time are we supposed to be there?

- Seven o'clock sharp.

Now, make sure you wear something really hot.

And bring some motherfuckin' tapioca puddin', bitches.

- That's weird.

Okay.

- Oh, Miss Johnson, I forgot my merken in the locker room.

- Ah, don't worry about it.

I'd forget mine too if it wasn't taped right on there.

Now, the door's locked, just shut it on your way out.

- Okay, you guys, I'll see you at the party later.

Where is my damn merken?

I need it for the party tonight.

Oh, here it is.

- Hey, everyone, I brought pudding.

- Is this tapioca?

- No, it's chocolate.

- Gimme a beer.

Lonnie, get that balloon up higher.

Yeah, that's it, use a chair.

And straighten that streamer.

Show me your beaver.

- What?

- I mean, the balloons.

The balloons, get them right in there really tight.

Yeah, that's better.

- Hello, Peaches.

- Oh, hi, Dr. Zartan.

- What have you done with your hair?

It's so much more pubic than I recall.

- Oh, thanks for noticing.

Actually, I'm donating it

to the Merkens for Seniors Society.

It really boosts the confidence of some formerly

redheaded old people.

- Lovely.

Is that what you're off to this evening?

- Oh no, I'm going to Miss Johnson's party.

- Oh, are you expected right away?

- No, I don't think so.

- Excellent.

Can you help me with my groceries?

- Oh, sure.

Where are they?

- They're in my bedroom.

- Oh, okay.

- So what'd you think about that knife fight?

- Oh, I thought it was shocking the way that scarf

clashed with Miss Johnson's outfit.

- No, I'm talking about the knife fight.

- Right, I love Michael Jackson.

- No, like the knife fight.

Like how dangerous it was and everything.

- You know, I really want a monkey.

- Me too.

- You do? - Yeah.

- Come on, let's go.

Hey, guys, who wants some muffins?

- We made muffins.

- Oh, I'd like some muffin, all right.

Your muff on my face.

Hey, guys, glad you could make it.

Do you want some beer?

- Sure, Miss Johnson, I'm gonna get tore up.

- Good for you.

Now, go get it yourself, bitch.

♪ Did your God given rights

♪ Baby said she's out of line

- You know what happens to naughty little boys, don't you?

Oh, but please, sir.

I'm not a boy, I'm a little girl.

- Calm down guys.

God, we'll find him.

We'll find Todd.

- You douchebags lost?

- What?

No.

- 'Cause it's right here.

- Oh.

Todd, hey Todd.

♪ If old flames died a merciful death ♪

♪ I would not be alone

♪ But since you left, all the lights are on ♪

♪ But there's nobody home

♪ There's always tomorrow

♪ But didn't you know

♪ I won't be around to tell you I told you so ♪

♪ It isn't right to say

♪ That you still think about me while you're turning away ♪

♪ Turning away

♪ I've lived enough to know

♪ That the dark days are over and it looks like the end ♪

♪ It isn't right to say

♪ That you still think about me while I'm fading away ♪

♪ Fading away

♪ You've got to let it go

♪ 'Cause the darkness is gone

- Woo. - Yeah, girls.

- Lube jobbing.

- Oh yeah, lube jobbing.

- 69.

- Hi. - Hi, boys.

- What's up, ladies?

Heard this party needed some sausage.

- Yeah!

♪ Lookin' out of the kitchen door ♪

♪ Don't wanna look, don't wanna fight no more ♪

♪ I just want to get a grip on my unchecked rage ♪

♪ I hear the static on the radio ♪

♪ I hear the public got a right to know ♪

♪ You hear the sound enough

♪ And you can make out a name

♪ Now I can ride, I'm a pretty good rider ♪

♪ I think the head on my neck is getting tired ♪

♪ It goes in, it spins 'round, and it comes out here ♪

♪ I could use another beer

♪ I hear it's party time in Hollywood ♪

♪ I hear it all and it feels so good ♪

♪ One day I know she'll regret

♪ She's gonna be watchin' the news ♪

♪ And a tornado wrecking sign

♪ You come along and get a wild ride ♪

♪ Nobody ever but I bet she'll get you screamin' the blues ♪

♪ Out on the street, everybody's goin' crazy ♪

♪ They're all dancin' like the devil's own children ♪

♪ You doubt it all could go away ♪

♪ It doesn't matter anyway

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

- I got these babies from doin' two reps a week

with 15-pound dumbbells.

- Wow, that's impressive.

- Yeah, they're my mom's.

She let me borrow 'em when I went away to college.

She uses heavier ones now.

She uses the 20-pounders, but you know what they say.

To get a body like this, you gotta use low weight,

low reps, and not that often.

At least that's what I do.

- Yeah, you look great, like that guy Carl Weathers.

- From Predator?

- You look like a homeless man in a wig.

- Fuck you, pig.

- At last his are real.

- Eat a dick, tranny.

- I'd love to.

- Well, why don't you do it then?

- I will. - When?

- Whenever I feel like it.

- Well, do you feel like it right now?

- Depends. - On what?

- On your dad's schedule.

I hear he's pretty busy.

- Fuck you.

- Do you wanna go in the hot tub?

- Yeah, let's go.

- Um, you shouldn't go in the hot tub

if you're on your period.

- Well, I'm not.

- I'm just sayin', if my dog is on hers.

- Well, I'm not a dog.

- Hm.

Really?

- Hey, everyone, do you wanna play flip cup?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Wanna help me move the table?

- You bang my head like Black Sabbath?

- What?

- I'll get the cups.

- Hey, trouble lady.

I like to show you something.

- Yeah, what do you want to show me?

- I like go to the bedroom.

- What do you wanna show me in there?

- I surprise your fat body.

- Hm.

Okay.

- S'mores, everyone?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- When I graduate, I'm gonna go pro.

- Oh really, did you get scouted?

- No, but my resume's tight.

- That's not the only thing that's tight.

- Hey, sex pants, I bring you here into these rooms

to show you my love.

- That is so sweet.

- You ready for magic?

- Okay.

- No, no!

- I got this one when I fell of my bike.

This little skank shivved me in the shower.

And last night, stubbed my toe.

It really hurt.

- That ain't nothin', kid.

You ever hear of the Meat Reaper?

- No.

- Chef Death, the guy who knifed all those bitches

in this very house.

- Oh yeah.

- The guy who fuckin' put a hatchet right here

in my fuckin' chest.

He almost killed me.

- Where?

- Right here.

What do you mean fuckin' where?

Six surgeons, 72 stitches to put me back together again.

Hey, you wanna touch it?

- So what are you kids up to?

- Um, we were talking.

- I just figured you'd want some company.

- Well, I have company, dude.

- How close of friends are you?

- Pretty close.

I know him since high school.

We were shower buddies in football.

- Shower buddies?

- Yeah, Coach always had us shower with a buddy

in case somebody slipped and fell.

- That's weird.

- Well, I almost fell a couple times,

and Gary always caught me.

Could've hurt my throwing arm or something.

So I don't think that's weird.

- You want to look at my George The Animal Steele?

Cock hole shit!

- You know, I got a great fuckin' deal

on this fuckin' house.

- It is a great house.

- I know it's a great house, that's what I fuckin' said.

Shh, you're pretty, but you shouldn't talk so much.

- Okay. - What did I just say?

You know, there was a fuckin' multiple homicide

in this house.

The same guy who gave me this fuckin' scar.

Tell you what, it takes more than a fuckin' queer

in a chef hat in the fuckin' chest to take me out.

- Wow.

- Wow is right, you pink fuck.

Now, go get me a fuckin' beer.

Get the fuck up.

- Damn, I missed my mouth again.

- Look what you did, you jerk.

You ruined my shirt.

Miss Johnson, do you have a top I can borrow?

- Sure, honey, there's wife beaters in the bathroom closet.

- Thanks.

- Your mustache is just so cute.

- Yeah, I like yours too.

- So you're the quarterback?

- Second string intramurals.

- He's really good though.

If Community College U. had a football team,

he'd be the captain,

and we'd go all the way to the Super Bowl.

- You know it, Gary.

You know it.

- I'd love to come and see you practice sometime.

- Well, we don't practice,

but you can come watch one of our games.

- Oh, I'll come to a game.

When are they?

- They're every Tuesday, and uh.

I gotta go.

- Um, I have to go to the bathroom.

- Just go in the hot tub.

That's what I've been doin'.

- Ew.

- God it's hot in here.

- Nice erection, Todd.

- Thanks, you too.

- Gary was being weird, so we had to come in.

He was like peeing in the hot tub and trying to fellate Todd

and just acting like a jerk.

- It's okay, he just misses his mom.

- Oh my God, I'm sorry, is she dead?

- No.

- Ow, what the fuck, motherfucker?

- Would you fucking shut up and take your top off?

Fuck.

So anyway I was in the Congo, chief,

and we were surrounded by these gray apes.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- What the fuck am I talking about?

I am talking about you shutting the fuck up

and getting me another beer, bitch.

You're all right, kid.

- You chicks wanna see how many pushups I can do?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven--

- Tell me more about the gray apes, Miss Johnson.

- We were in the Baltic Sea, chief.

Our ship went down.

A thousand men went into the water.

We were surrounded by the gray ape.

How did I know it was a gray ape?

'Cause they were 20-footers from tail to snout.

They swam at us, and they would pull us down

one by one by one by one.

And you'd just our buddies go down, get pulled down.

When they came back up, they'd be pantless.

Their shirts and their hair disheveled.

Who knows what horrors went on

in that moonlit sea that night.

A thousand men went down.

316 came back.

- Are you a little tipsy, Miss Johnson?

- Wow, you lived through that?

You're amazing.

- Wow is right, you fuckin' pig.

- That's crazy.

- Crazy?

You want to know crazy?

Did you ever look into a gray ape's eyes?

- One time at the zoo.

- Well, they're black.

They're lifeless.

They're dead like a doll's eyes.

And when they come at you,

they look at you with those dead eyes

and those pink bow ties with the matching cummerbunds.

And they're on their tricycles of the apocalypse,

just like that guy in the black pajamas

in the sticky jungles of Da Nang.

- 108, 109, 110, yeah!

- Yeah.

Hey, Todd, let's go see what Sharon and those guys

are up to.

- When I was in juvy, I used to play jacks for cigarettes.

Nobody could beat me.

I was the best.

- What did I tell you?

Shut it.

- What are you guys doing?

- We were thinking of playing Seven Minutes in Heaven.

- Yeah, that's right.

- What's Seven Minutes in Heaven?

- It's when two people go into a closet with the lights off

and whatever happens, happens.

- Yes, take it in the poop chute.

- I am not going in there with him.

- Me neither.

- I'll go.

- Ya!

- Who's gonna go in with me?

- Hey, I'll go, street meat.

- I guess I'll go.

But on a side note, who's gonna go in with Gary?

Back door?

- Yours or mine?

- Man, I'm fuckin' starvin'.

- That's why you're fat and you'll die alone,

you fuckin' pink whore.

- I always wanted to make out with a man with a mustache.

Well, you know, that wasn't my father.

- Ike's your daddy, yeah?

Love it when you call me big papa.

Ya, USA!

Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya!

- Ah, sweet amore.

- What's amore?

- That's love, kid.

That's true love.

- Poop chute?

- That too.

- I'm bored.

I'm gonna go check on Jenny and Todd.

- More like check on Todd's wang.

- You fucking cock block!

So anyway, we were stationed in Darfur.

Our truck came to a stop.

Our tired had been slashed.

Suddenly, we were surrouned by the gray ape.

They started brushing up against the truck

with their gray fur rubbing back and forth,

taking all of the polish off of the windows.

- No. - It was frightening.

- Oh yes.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Todd.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh my God!

- Oh my God!

- Oh my God!

- Oh my God!

- Oh my God!

- Oh my God!

- What?

- Don't use your fuckin' teeth, bitch.

- Sorry. - Fuck.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

What's your name again?

- Spit it out.

- It's Gil, he's dead.

Somebody killed him to death until he died.

- It's horrible.

Gill was touching my boob, and Sharon was ogling me.

- Ew, only because you were letting a corpse

grab your boobs.

- Fuck you.

- Get over here, you fuckin' baby.

Shut the fuck up!

You said there's corpses in my house?

Bullshit.

What the fuck do I care?

Show me them.

- Oh my God, it's happening again.

All my friends keep dying.

- Fuck, let's get out of here.

- Just shut the fuck up, you skanky hoes.

You people wouldn't have lasted a day in the fuckin' jungle.

Now, just stay here, and I will go and check it out.

- Are you okay?

- This is so fucked up.

All my friends keep dying, except you, Sharon.

You're my best friend.

- Yeah, oh, I'm so hungry.

I want some fucking waffles.

- Holy fuckin' shit, the Kraut's dead.

- What are we gonna do?

- We should check on Gary, he has swimmer's ear.

- Okay, troops, let's fall in.

Let's go find Gary.

Let's go. - Okay.

- Go, go, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup.

- I smell onions.

Gary, quit peein' in the hot tub, I smell onions.

- Gary, stop fucking around.

People are dying around here.

- Aw, fuck, another man down.

Medic!

- Oh my God!

- No!

- Let's go in.

Let's go, let's go, come on.

- Fuck man, fuck.

Game over, man, game over.

- Just calm down.

Just calm down, Miss Johnson's been through this before.

- Why'd we put her in charge?

- Let's get out of here.

Let's get out of here!

- Wait, we need to see what troops are still alive.

We need weapons, wimps.

Remember, tits, asses, and elbows.

Let's go.

Let's go!

- Okay, we can do it. - Hey, wait a second.

Get me a beer, bitch.

- I'm pregnant you fucking moron, use your head.

♪ Icy fingers up your spine wrap around your neck ♪

- Todd, you go upstairs first.

- Why do I have to go upstairs?

You go upstairs.

- Because you're a man.

- So are you.

- Fuck it, okay?

I will go upstairs.

It's my fucking house.

Just you stay right behind me, you fuckin' pussies, okay?

And don't you piss or shit your pants,

or I'll kick your fuckin' ass.

Now, let's go.

- Lonnie, are you up there?

Mercedes?

- Gary?

- Gary's in the hot tub, you idiot.

- I miss Gary.

- Hey, everybody.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, oh!

Oh, why do you do that?

- Shipwreck, you killed everybody, didn't you?

- Holy Saint Theresa, no I didn't kill anybody.

I was hiding in your closet for hours.

- Well, if it wasn't you, who was it then?

- Fuck, I have no fucking idea.

- This fucking fruit couldn't kill anyone.

Let's go search upstairs.

- Shit.

- Oh my God.

- Fuck me hard in the ass.

- Oh my Gary.

- Excuse me.

- Two more fuckin' swingin' dicks down.

Let's go find Mercedes.

- Oops, she's on the toilet.

- Is that bitch dead?

- Someone should ask her.

- I'll go look.

Maybe she's taking a dump.

- No, I'll ask her.

Mercedes, honey, are you okay?

She's not answering.

- I think this skank is fuckin' dead.

- Go check.

- Oh, Mercedes, why couldn't you just be pooing or peeing

or both?

Oh no.

- She's okay then?

- Let's get the hell out of here.

- What the fuck was that noise?

- He lost his hat.

- That's weird, huh?

♪ Or the locks unbroken

♪ Or the locks unpicked

♪ I climbed this mountain

♪ And you show me death

- Todd, get off the fucking bed.

- You can't see me.

- Let's go out the backdoor.

- You like the back door, don't you?

- What?

- Nothing, nothing, it's a good idea.

Let's go, private.

♪ And so it comes to death

♪ Why are we still left

- Okay, private, look.

We gotta move.

We gotta roll out.

- Wait, we can't leave Todd, he has great man cans.

- Fuck him, he's dead weight.

Besides, he's got a bad lisp.

♪ Every boulder left unturned

♪ Fallen down that mountain

♪ This is what you get

- I got this.

♪ The god of thunder right this way ♪

♪ Here on the track

♪ With a big thick shaft

♪ But we melted away

♪ Then it all went away

- You opened the wrong can of peas, fag hat.

♪ And it melted away

♪ And then it all went away

- Look, a butterfly.

You fuckin' sizzling piece of shit.

- Come on, you sick dead chef bastard.

I killed you once.

I'll kill you again.

♪ Before it comes to this

♪ Wide awake, still shut

♪ They picked their ass

- Come on, Todd, let's go get some waffles.

- Okay.

♪ If you're gonna survive

♪ You gotta live it up or else you're gonna die ♪

♪ You gotta fight if you wanna survive ♪

♪ You gotta live it up like it's World War I ♪

♪ White lightning grab the wheel ♪

♪ All the young girls drive to kill ♪

♪ Magic mountain let us love

♪ Wildcat bonafide love

♪ It's like broken retreat

♪ She's had enough of the failing team ♪

♪ She took a drug, the act failed ♪

♪ She got caught up and her head is swelled ♪

♪ You gotta fight if you're gonna survive ♪

♪ You gotta live it up, rock the dragon's eye ♪

♪ You gotta fight if you wanna survive ♪

♪ You gotta live it up, drink the Spanish Fly ♪

♪ Old manasses, he took so many lives ♪

♪ Old manasses, you make mothers cry ♪

♪ As their sons spill like rain on the silvery backs ♪

♪ Of old manasses

♪ James was a young boy, his years just 17 ♪

♪ His momma gonna miss him, little Jimmy Bean ♪

♪ James got his papers, he's off to fight a war ♪

♪ And dance to the drum beat like so many done before ♪

♪ Old manasses, you took so many lives ♪

♪ Old manasses, you make mothers cry ♪

♪ As their sons spill like rain on the silvery backs ♪

♪ Of old manasses

♪ The sounds are risin' up, the dew's still on the grass ♪

♪ Standin' at attention with extreme gravitas ♪

♪ The drums begin to beat, the drummer starts to play ♪

♪ Jimmy fiddles with his bayonet in his hard metal way ♪

♪ Old manasses, you took so many lives ♪

♪ Old manasses, you make mothers cry ♪

♪ As their sons spill like rain on the silvery backs ♪

♪ Of old manasses

♪ Old manasses, you stand, yeah ♪

- Hold on, I'm gonna take care of this.

Oh, fuck are you okay?

- Yeah, it's all right, go with it.

- It really hit him.

Oh my God.