Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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Bordea wants to drive the car and it's manual,

and I don't trust him in any way.

Oh, shit!

You have a show today, man!

- It doesn't have sensors, just saying. - For real?

- I don't think it has. It doesn't beep. - What an ancient motherfucker!

Ready, bitch? I'm ready bitch! I was born ready, bitch!

Yeah, bitch!

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Bordea Cătălin!

Good evening! Welcome!

Once again, a round of applause for you, for coming tonight to be with me!

A round of applause for you!

And that you support stand-up comedy in Romania!

You have no idea what is in the soul of a comedian!

I shat my pants a little.

Does it show? I have new teeth!

I really thought sometimes that...

As a man, to submit to this anxiety, to put yourself in front of the public.

People who look at you like this:

I would've been better off as a priest.

I would have had validation, money, older women.

I want to start with a piece of news.

I don't know if you've seen: religion will be introduced at GED.

How embarrassing would it be to fail at Parascheva?

Sometimes I think about...

So how many martyrs were there?

Did he walk on water or not? I forgot!

Your grandmother would be like: You embarrassed me at St. Parascheva!

I will never forgive you for this!

This stuff is old, but we still hold on to them.

We are among the only countries where we stick to this.

Traditions, chores, Epiphany! People who don't bathe!

People who don't shower the day before the Epiphany!

If I shower... Stand in line in hell, like this:

Those who smell like soap, to the right!

God bless you. I didn't even know what it meant!

I wanted to call Bobonete to say happy birthday, I'm serious!

What did you get at GED?

How many times does one spit in one's breast when a cat passes by?

There are still old things in Romania that we cling to.

Fencing is still going on!

We still have the Romanian Fencing Federation!

And they're very cocky!

You see them in interviews, like this: How are you?

Don't provoke me, because...

I'll take this long needle and...

I'll cut you!

Fencing.

Give them real swords, yes! It would be interesting!

Some assholes: Come on!

Originally on TikTok:

Come on, motherfucker, if you think you're a scribbler,

let me see you, bro!

Take your needle and come into the street!

Get your needle, get your mom, everyone out!

Let there be blood!

Bring back the tournament too.

You know the tournaments? With horses and long sticks.

They were like: their heads were bouncing, so...

Something else! Where's daddy? He's no more...

It was a tournament and goodbye!

Would you send your kid to fencing? What could he possibly learn?

And if he is attacked by three goons in a neighborhood, he says this: En Garde!

They'd be like: There are beekeepers here!

He's a boy dressed as a beekeeper,

with a long needle, that's what all the devils do!

They're on drugs, damn it, that's why!

I don't know, he's a cosmonaut beekeeper, we can't decide!

Yes, see through that net!

You send him to take swimming lessons!

When he's small, you send him swimming, in case of a flood,

you can send him to a bar, to get you three beers.

Something else!

You don't make children to love them, you make them to use them!

In other words, we are not entering Schengen!

Kelemen Hunor threatened Iohannis...

Who is Kelemen Hunor? I don't know exactly.

I wasn't interested.

When I saw him on TV, I thought he was a Hungarian superhero.

Superman, Kelemen.

One who appears and does: Kurtos kalacs.

And all the criminals are: It's too sweet!

I can't resist it! What is it, bro? Sweet bread? It's not a cake!

Why doesn't it have filling? What is this? Kurtos kalacs.

I was watching TV, and Kelemen appeared, very nervous.

And he said: Schengen! That much I understood!

And he said: Iohannis!

And that's what I understood and then he did:

And they didn't translate.

And I was: Maybe he's broken.

I have nothing against Hungarians! But, when they speak,

they sound like a teddy bear falling down the stairs.

No need!

That's my imagination!

And he threatened him, and Iohannis appeared, who said:

We shall see.

Then, he left!

And I was: you stoic motherfucker, you can't do something like that!

We shall see. He finished him!

And Kelemen was like:

Tomorrow, Iohannis will say:

We will see.

You have nothing to answer, this line shuts you down.

This line is fatality!

It is full of arguments and meaning and "You'll see!"

Tomorrow, wherever you are, you park wherever you want,

the neighbor says: Will you move your car? It's my place!

We shall see. You messed with his head! And then you go!

You don't wait to see what we'll see.

If they call you from the bank? Will you pay your installments? We shall see.

There will be a buzz in the bank.

What did he say? That we shall see.

What shall we see? Whatever he sees, I don't know when.

But something we'll see. We'll see when we shall see!

We are not entering Schengen! We don't know what it means!

Some interviews in the countryside: Do you want to be in Schengen?

And a guy was like:

Yes! How much is it?

And he was looking for money! How much is it?

For my wife, my mother-in-law and three children.

We want six such Schengens.

Yes, give it to me!

How are we supposed to do it? The country is not ready.

If you travel through this country, the road builders don't do anything.

They're breeding with each other, I don't know if you noticed.

The road is not ready, but it's eight of them!

When you come the second time, 16! Where the fuck did you come from?

They fuck each other, instead of laying asphalt, that's it:

Wait, Nicu, wait, I just received a good salami!

Gimme the beer, gimme the beer!

We need a human traffic light, let's make another one!

Have you seen the green ones? One is green and one is red!

And they're wasted, like this!

Sorry! Green, green! Pass, pass!

The country is not ready!

And it's fine the way it is! It's good!

I'm pissed by those who say: We want a country like abroad!

We were away in Italy for two weeks and we saw what civilization means!

Stop the corruption, let's make a country like abroad!

And I'm like: Man... Leave it like that!

This is the country you can manage, the country where everything goes,

the country your daddy said...

You know who daddy is? I mean, the grandfather...

And just like that, you want a better country

and I get it, frustration accumulates. You want infrastructure, better schools

and better hospitals but you want the rules observed?

Well, that's why it works in other places, because they're drastic,

they don't look at you!

In Germany, if a public institution closes at eight o'clock,

the German lady puts in the key and says: Ich weine nein!

And she left, in a hurry to get it!

Hans prays in vain. As Hans says: Ich weine vogel!

She's left! Here? Let's see what we can do!

The lady closes the business and a dude in the back is like: Closed?

It's in capital letters: eight o'clock! And he's like: Is it closed?

And she says: Yes. But is it really?

So what do I do with this million?

And she says: But I can't leave you in the street here.

How you turn back time! Go!

You want rules like abroad? Observe them! Fuck you! We don't stop for the sign.

The give way sign! It can save your life!

There are people who go: Your mother should give way, bitch!

Do you know who the fuck Mihai is? Mihai doesn't give way, man!

He got over, flattened him, and then he's like:

Motherfucker, I didn't know he was...

Well!

There are people run over by the train in the car!

The barrier was lowered, but there was some space!

And he's not your fool! He says: My car fits, fuck you!

Boom! And he's in heaven, going like: It's the first time the train passes.

I thought it was witchcraft, a conspiracy theory.

A train passing... Nothing passes, you know?

Let those on the other side have time to prepare for me, Mihai!

We are unpredictable!

Romania, after the First World War, declared war on America. Us, Romanians!

I'm serious!

Everything on the planet was over,

everyone was dancing, peace, peace, peace...

And Romania...

They sent a horseman with a letter, imagine that!

He's still on Prahova Valley, New Year's Eve caught him there.

A letter!

Who wrote it?

He didn't realize it the next day, so he must have been drunk!

Iuliu Maniu something, I have no idea,

a minister overjoyed by the end of the First World War, said: You know what?

Summon the Council!

Give me a feather.

Let's fuck them up!

You crazy motherfucker! The others said. I wonder...

I wonder, at the White House,

that person who read the mail,

and he saw this...

a stamp with Cuza or whoever was the ruler at that time...

Scribbled all over! Fuck you!

They said to themselves: Romania! And someone else asked: Ro-What?

What did they say? They said: Come out if you've got the guts!

It's a fantastic country, I swear!

We didn't declare war...

Not that we didn't declare war, we didn't conquer!

Our country has never conquered other countries!

We saw to our shit.

And now the Third World War is coming: Let it come...

They'll ask: Who's side are you on? Who's winning?

We won't resist, two days maximum.

Okay, sorry.

We went with the flow, sorry!

Russians, Germans, whatever, get along!

We haven't conquered any country, we didn't discover new lands.

Bah, Romanians! They went, well!

To nowhere!

And they came back and said: Yo, come here!

We discovered something!

We'll call it Zimnicea!

Or something... Saloniki, whatever!

Nothing! And I'll tell you why. Because we have beautiful women.

Well, think, think a little. We had no reasons to leave.

The Northmen, they would leave. You know how huge they are!

They would go like: Hans!

Hans was: Dude, make a boat!

What's a boat? I don't know, make it up. We're crossing the ocean!

Go, go, go! Hans!

Here, our big breasted women making stews, like that!

Why leave, you know?

And even so, do you want a brandy? We'll conquer later!

Now, there is a national panic, and I don't understand why.

There is a national panic about drugs. There are drugs in Romania.

It was on TV, there were six people live and there were six such-and-such houses,

there were six such-and-such houses.

There was a lady with a perm and glasses falling off,

and she was looking here, looking here.

And you could see one of her eyes, and she screamed:

There are drugs! In the country!

And I was...

Damn it!

And someone else: Where do they come from?

I don't know, I shit you not!

There have been drugs since forever,

man has always felt the need to fuck up his reality,

since ancient times, the aborigines used to lick frogs.

And they saw things:

My mother-in-law seems friendlier, damn it!

There are drugs in the country! Of course there are! They're everywhere!

We must stop the drugs! I was like:

Good luck!

Not possible!

This scourge is too great! This thing is too big! You cannot!

At one point, I was watching a documentary about Dubai,

on National Geographic,

about the airport in Dubai, with the tightest security.

They're hell-bent on drugs,

and there was a drug cop, dressed as a drug cop,

with a German shepherd, also dressed as a German shepherd, so everything was...

And a reporter walking around after them, and she's very official.

She goes: We don't miss anything! And I was like...

You're full of shit!

You did miss something!

And the reporter asked: How do you do it?

And she said: We look at everyone who passes by!

I was: No shit! They did not expect this!

Eye to eye.

And the information that broke me was this.

And we are...

When we see you sweating profusely, you have something to hide.

And I was like... No way!

Cotabiță can' go through Dubai!

Where is Cotabiță?

Has anyone seen him?

Cotabiță and Crin Antonescu. Listen! Cotabiță is like this...

Somewhere in the airport, in Dubai, they're still looking for him.

He has nothing on him, but he sweats!

I've been sweating since childhood! The world inside me is crying!

There's nothing to do!

I need a legal one! A legal one! Leave us a legal one!

Just like drinking is legal! Leave us some booze, anything!

It is controlled, it's taxed!

Some do it at home. My grandma makes brandy at home!

She calls it a hen-house, but those chicken don't lie!

They go like this:

To lay eggs through their beaks. They're drunk!

Leave us one, give us marijuana, it's from the ground,

it grows from there, the sky waters it, it grows!

You can't OD from marijuana.

At most, you'll see a guy in Blaj

defending himself from bunnies, like...

What will happen? Will we laugh too much?

Leave us at least one! Are we that based?

Romania, what will happen? What if I go to work with pleasure?

To see a Romanian like this, from Alba Iulia, leaving on foot:

Where are you going? To make some nuts and bolts.

I can't wait!

Let them! It's going great!

Holland is going great!

Some states in America, Spain, have legalized it,

everything is legal!

And they're going so strong!

I was there in December, my shit was freezing inside me! They don't get cold!

They were on bicycles, in shorts, like this:

It was December!

And our grannies scream every winter: We want centralized heating!

Give them a gram on the ladder!

Through the radiator, like that!

And your grandma will call you: Do you also listen to Bob Marley?

I'm hot, nephew, I'm hot.

I took off my teeth implant, but I'm still too hot.

Let them have it!

This is what annoyed me!

The state protects its citizen from themselves! No shit!

Because the citizen are like children, they don't know what they want.

If you give them drugs, they'll take them. You think?

And now, if they're illegal? Now, as well, but...

At least they hide!

The lady with glasses is surprised! There are drugs in the country!

Leave it!

Anyone can fuck up their reality if they choose to do so!

You choose... Consciously, yes!

You don't give it to kids, teenagers or in schools, but what happens to you?

At 38? Leave me the fuck alone!

I want next to it, look here,

there should be a dairy and a marijuana shop next to it!

And I can choose whether I'll take milk or see the cow!

I'm not saying it's good, but that's how I would like it.

You don't even feel like driving.

You smoke something, you get in the car, but you don't leave.

You're like: Hey, but no, what the hell?

I don't know what's in front of me.

In front is the unknown, I know what is here.

It's my car.

I have electric windows.

It comes, it goes/

Something else!

They caught me. They thought they caught me.

They stopped me in traffic.

I was driving home one evening.

They flashed their lights at me from behind.

I don't speak "flashing lights". I didn't stop.

Red blue, red blue, what the fuck is this? I'm not a Steaua fan.

I also tapped my phone in the back White, white.

They honked at me, like that: Pull over!

And I said God, this is God. What more do you want?

I pulled over, I got scared, to be fair, I got scared.

And then I had a choice to make. I have a flaw. I make jokes.

Bad, good... They're mine! It depends on how the person responds.

I was sitting in the car like this...

And half of my neurons said... No!

Let's go home. Let's watch Netflix.

The other half said: Come on, man!

You'll regret it later.

And I saw out of the corner of my eye the policeman approaching.

He tapped on my window with his flashlight,

so I opened the window and said:

One serving of French fries and a hamburger, please.

You're laughing, he didn't!

He looked at me blankly, he leaned over: Get out of the car, it's a drug raid!

Stay the fuck back, you're scaring the camel!

Can't you see it?

It's not your fault, he doesn't see you.

But you exist and you're beautiful!

You have the coolest humps I've ever seen!

And your lips... two petals...

He didn't laugh! Just to chuckle a bit, to say ha-ha!

He yelled even louder: Get out of the car!

And I said: If I'm drugged, I'm drugged here, too.

I won't get sober outside.

I got out of the car, behind me an old man stopped,

another patrol stopped an old man, at around 70,

he looked at me like: What's, what's...?

I won't rat him out, I'm not a snitch: You see, ask him!

He was preparing the mouthpiece...

And I asked him: Why did you stop him?

It's a drug raid! So what if he's drugged?

He's 70 years old! What can he do?

At most, function normally!

Pee halfway down the leg, not all the way!

I don't want a pension from the Romanian state at 85,

because it's shit, you can't use it for anything.

Give me marijuana! I want a postman with dreads,

so he can say: Get out, man!

So I can come out shaking, like: He's here!

My grandkids will call me: What are you doing?

I'm petting the penguins in the kitchen.

They've laid such beautiful eggs!

I didn't get anything for you.

He shoved that mouthpiece in my mouth:

He took it out and I went after the mouthpiece for a bit...

I've had a tough life!

I said: Give me the mouthpiece again,

I don't think I've shown him what I can do!

And he put that mouthpiece into a device, and stared at me blankly.

And he asked: Did you take drugs, Mr. Bordea?

And I said: We'll see.

Investigate, dude.

It's easy if I tell you.

Plus, I don't rat people out. I didn't even know what...

I've got things to do.

Yeah, he put that stick in the device, no light came on.

He looked at me in awe!

He and the camel, too, because the camel went to him...

And he was like: Do you really see me?

Put it back in, I think the device is broken.

Don't tell me I paid a million for a bag of lemongrass. Don't tell me that.

Don't tell me I've been smoking soup for a week. Don't tell me that.

I missed my grandma, but I didn't know why.

They're bad, fuck them!

It's not the raid that annoy me. It's good, leave it there!

Although I told them: It's badly placed!

They said: What do you mean? First of all, it's Wednesday!

Who gets high on a Wednesday?

Are we savages?

You do it on Fridays and Saturdays! Like any civilized person!

And I said: Don't stay here, to catch me and this old man!

Go in front of any fancy club in this country

and wait for them, Mr. Policeman!

They'll come to you!

And don't put the mouthpiece in, if they go...

You think they turn during a full moon?

A werewolf dressed in Balmain!

If you see one doesn't seem to have his teeth,

but has taken them from someone else...

If you see he's calling a taxi,

but he doesn't get in and runs alongside it...

It snowed on that boy!

The policeman's attitude annoyed me. The police in Romania have no authority.

Unfortunately, they have no authority.

They're scared shitless. They're trembling...

You beat your wife and she calls the police,

the police stand at the gate like this: Why are you fighting?

And the lady is like: Come in! We don't want to disturb!

She even has a sword, we don't have the same energy.

They don't! This was the policeman's representative from the police-land.

He was official like that.

They don't have it when they should!

They caught me and an old man, put the mouthpieces in our mouths,

scared the camel, damn it!

And then they left! Bravo!

While next to us

there were probably cars passing with trunks full of drugs, dead whores.

They caught the old man and the bald one.

Neither of them was drugged.

Here, to be arrested, you have to be unlucky.

You have to be really dumb. You're either unlucky or you surrender.

You go in and say: I can't take the pressure anymore!

I've been investigated for three years.

I'll solve it the case for you.

I'm a civil servant and I have this palace. Figure that out!

Case closed!

Did you see the neighbors are surprised

when the special forces storm in on someone at six in the morning?

How did you catch him?

You, with the brown eyes, how?

Did he call you?

Did he say he had a fight with his wife and that he'd go anywhere,

but it's a bit drastic?

Did you see that guy from Sibiu? He stayed with me.

He stayed with me as an example.

A guy caught driving, drunk and without a license.

They took him to the station and in two hours he was out.

He took the police car, because he didn't have a car anymore.

And he gave fines all over Sibiu! Can you imagine?

They caught him in a few hours.

They looked for him in the station for an hour.

How the hell do you look for him in the station? There were some playful cops!

I think they're playing hide and seek, wait.

One, two, count to a thousand! Come out!

Don't be an asshole! I gave you coffee!

How do you catch him?

And now you think they crucified him in Sibiu City Hall naked

and the kids throw eggs at him?

No, he's at home, regretting it.

He's not allowed to drive anymore, as if he were back then.

They've ruined it for me! I can't believe

I'm not allowed to drive high, drunk, and without a license anymore.

You've ruined my life, screw you all.

Fine, I'll go to college!

You don't experience anything, you experience it hard, hard,

because you're being investigated!

I always see on the news:

"Now he's under judicial control or under investigation."

And I'm like: What the hell are you investigating? Look at him!

I have an uncle in Botoșani who was coming back from a wedding,

very drunk, driving in the morning, coming from the wedding, missing an eye.

He was like a cyclops, damn it.

He looked sideways in order to drive straight.

He could only see with this eye, the left one worked.

The police stopped him, when he opened the window,

six fireworks came towards him, like that.

And the policeman, even though he saw that he was...

He had both headrests turned towards him.

They asked him, "Are you drunk?"

And he said, "I might, but you should see what's coming behind me!"

He's at home too, regretting it!

From now on, he has to drive with both eyes!

It's not an unsafe state, it's not a state where...

We're still lucky. I don't know if you realize, we're lucky.

The police, as it is,

we live in a country where we can afford to have such a police.

I saw what an unsafe state means and you recognize an unsafe state

based on how the police are dressed there.

I've been to Mexico. They were ready to die.

They patrolled the park wearing bulletproof vests, helmets, balaclavas,

clad in their own version of bulletproof vests or whatever they had.

With a machine gun!

A machine gun on the car. And they were like: "Que? Que?"

And here...?

Take a look during summer!

In Mediaș, Arad, Suceava, Botoșani, Iași, Huedin, Alba Iulia, Blaj,

in the city center, how that agent is dressed:

all chubby, with that potbelly, as if he's never taken a shit in his life.

Looks like he holds top secrets there.

Sweating, with two ponds here, he has fish under his armpits.

With the blue shirt unbuttoned,

with trousers and shoes with high heels.

This guy is not a cop.

He's the father of a bride at the end of a wedding.

He's supposed to protect you!

And he does like this:

It's traffic.

This is not at all an unsafe country.

I like to do something that I wouldn't recommend.

When I'm home alone, and now I am for a long time.

In the next special...

Sometimes, when I'm peaceful at home, I light up a cigarette...

- What kind? - That one...

Because it's going to be an audience...

There's nothing in it! It's just newspapers.

These are the newspapers I collect for that.

And I light it and I switch to news channels.

Especially those that are I'm hot on conspiracy theories.

So when I come across a good conspiracy theory,

I shit myself, man!

So I sit there and I'm like: Go on, come on!

Adults eating shit! It's fantastic, fuck me!

I saw one, it was Gâdea, he was standing up,

when Gâdea stands up, it's serious business!

Because when he stands up like that,

stiff, his forehead goes backward, a bit more, like that.

And I said: It's serious! He's standing!

In the studio, a bearded guy in a traditional shirt...

A free Dacian, not a locked up one.

A general, and at one point, he said: "The extraterrestrials are coming!"

And I said: "Of course!"

Go on, you're convincing!

And he said: "Well, how do you know?" Well, eh! It's obvious!

And I was...

And he said: "Didn't you see those balloons on the planet?

That appeared inexplicably? It's them!"

And then, the commercials came in!

And I was smoking, and I was...

But I bought it!

The newspapers got me, and I created my own scenario!

It's obvious! The general said so!

It's obvious! Clearly... It was an alien's birthday.

They had a party on the ship.

The reptilian bastards got shitfaced.

One left the window open and the balloons with:

"Happy cylindrical-ass year!" Everywhere. It's obvious!

I got it, man!

And then, they resumed the show... That fucked me up good!

The guy in the traditional shirt, with a beard, took the floor and said:

"Let them come, man! Because we welcome them," he said.

Romanians welcome any species!

We give them bread, salt and brandy!

We don't discriminate!

And I was smoking and I was like: Bullshit...

We don't get along with the Hungarians!

And they look just like us!

No difference!

Except they speak gibberish, as it seems to us...

Let's solve this first!

There's no way! Any species...

At one point, I was drinking with a friend

and I was a bit tipsy, and then he asked me:

"If the aliens come, what will you do?" And I said: "I'll leave the country!"

He said: "Why?" I said: "Think about it!

If they come to our country

and encounter the government we have now, right?

And they see her, here comes Șoșoacă!

In her tight dress, like that... saying:

'Aliens, suck my pussy!'

I'd be ashamed!

I couldn't look the reptilian in the eye!

He came from millions of light years away. And he would ask: Who is she?

A lady.

Well, what is she? A senator.

And who elected her?

It was autumn, the wine was ready... Wanna drink some brandy?

Romanians are not racist? Some of us are, unfortunately.

They are. We have a hidden racism like that.

Some golden boys somewhere

will look at those aliens and say: Look! Look at them!

Look at him, he has three heads, none of them are gypsy.

How do they do it, man?

You can't help but feel ashamed!

Artificial intelligence!

Now everyone is crazy about artificial intelligence!

People on Facebook, whole groups saying:

Take shelter! Build bunkers!

Get oil and flour!

Because they're coming! Who, man? The intelligence, man!

The intelligence that will make robots and come to shoot us down! Bang-bang!

You're laughing now, but you'll see: Invasion in Blaj: Bang-bang.

Where are you going, sir? To Alba Iulia!

You have three barriers until you get there!

They haven't been able to make...

You have get through the road construction teams!

Build your own bridge if you're so smart,

like the artificial intelligence, and then conquer us!

You can't! An AI that will make robots, that will mess up your shit.

Terminator style...

We're running... Wait...

Do you know who my father is?

I have a thermostat like you!

AI won't create robots.

If AI will want to exterminate us as a race...

You, right now, have a mobile phone with a front-facing camera.

It sees you, sees your eyes,

sees your pupils dilating with hatred as you scroll.

Because artificial intelligence will rely on our greatest weakness,

namely envy.

Like you, Mihaela,

looking at your former high school classmate, Andreea, damn her!

Why? Because!

And you look and burst out!

Fuck you! Damn you, Andreea!

Look, she bought a car! Sucking dick will get you that!

I wanted to buy a car. They asked: Do you suck dick?

And I said: No, because I have values! And they didn't give it to me.

And you'll forget, you'll forget that you hate her,

you'll forget, it'll become your second nature,

Andreea will gnaw at you, Andreea, fuck her,

who's having fun at Sisaia, damn it,

wherever she is going, now she's with that dude, she bought clothes,

fuck you, Andreea!

You'll sleep! And the AI on your phone, on your nightstand, will notify you!

It will be the last straw!

When you sleep, it'll say to you... Andreea is in the Maldives!

You, still the last idiot in Blaj?

Or like this...

And you commit suicide!

Don't believe this crap! Conspiracy theories are fake news!

And bedtime stories, damn it!

The first conspiracy theories are the stories from when you were seven!

Or six or five years old! And you'd look at your mom, like this, and say:

Did the wolf eat Little Red Riding Hood?

And she'd say: Yes! And you'd go:

You'd see a forest, and say: I think the wolf is there!

Then you'd believe crap!

And Cinderella became a princess?

I'll do cam shows when I grow up!

Or I don't know. But now you're an adult,

there are Facebook groups, there's crap news on TV,

you see a ton of crap and you're an adult!

No one wants to exterminate you! Everyone: They want to kill us!

They want to kill us! Mihai, from Popinciuc de Deal...

He has three cows... and loans from Provident, but...

Someone wants to kill him.

And he figured it out, damn it! Oh, I know.

I put it in the toothpaste.

Look at Dorian Popa, why did he get veneers? He must know something.

Nobody wants to exterminate you!

We kill each other like idiots!

Damn it! No conspiracy theory can keep up with human libido!

There are eight billion of us on this planet!

We fuck like crazy, uncontrollably and in any conditions!

Damn it! It may rain, it may snow! There might even be a typhoon!

Someone's fucking!

You don't have anything to eat, but you get a hard-on! Unbelievable!

It's incredible how the body works, just like that! Your stomach grumbles:

And you have the energy to fuck! It's fantastic, damn it!

The poorer they are, the more children they have! How the hell?

There are people in Vaslui who haven't seen bread in eight months,

and they see those butt cheeks as if they were two loaves!

They have 17 children,

from the eighth one onwards, they don't even have names.

Their dad shouts like this:

And they're like: Which one, dad?

Which one? The clean one!

Clean, go to your dad!

You can fuck in any conditions! There's no hornier species!

Even when the forest is on fire!

In Australia, the forest was on fire! The animals were running!

There weren't two deer like...

What the heck! The forest is on fire!

But there's another fire going on here!

Which one burns harder? Me or the forest?

Humans are a horny species! There are people born in 1944.

You know what happened in 1943? The Second fucking World War!

And there was someone in Cluj,

in an apartment building,

fucking and looking out the window.

Damn it, Lord!

The planes are coming!

They're not ours!

I'll give it to you Blitzkrieg style, we don't have time!

In case the world ends, people will get drunk or fuck.

I swear on my mother! We drink or we fuck.

Or both at the same time.

Some will run that way, some will be like: What?

It's the end of the world! When, now?

It's the end of the world.

Don't be crazy.

Or be, but controlled.

I realized I'm crazy. I've been seeing a shrink for over a year.

I didn't know I was crazy.

I thought that's just who I am! And there I found out I'm crazy.

I realized I have problems.

When I was telling about my childhood,

the psychologist would take notes and sometimes say: This is bullshit!

Get out of here, damn it!

I'm surprised you can even walk straight on the street!

And he called colleagues: You won't believe this!

Believe me! Why do I go? Not because I'm crazy.

I'm joking. I'm not crazy. I'm a civilized man.

I'm going to get rid of that childhood programming.

The shitty programs that don't do you good.

You don't function properly,

because you have a voice in your damn head!

It's that voice when you left home, Alexandra, from the countryside,

you went to college and your mom said:

Don't embarrass me! What the hell is your problem?

She's Alexandra, she's 20. She's young!

All Alexandra wants is to drink shots and suck dick in Blaj, that's it!

What makes you embarrassed?

And you don't live your life!

You haven't lived your life as you wanted, right?

You didn't have fun in the clubs.

I'll embarrass mom!

A guy comes up to you: Wanna have sex?

No, cause I'll embarrass mom!

And you end up old, your mom died, and you're like: Fuck my mom!

If you do it, how does your mom feel it?

She has a sixth sense and she's sleeping like this...

And suddenly she goes...

And she wakes up your dad, like this: Wake up!

Your daughter is fucking in Alba Iulia!

She's sucking a dick in Alba Iulia!

And she doesn't do it well! She's embarrassing me!

No, I'll go and it!

Let me, Costel!

Stupid perfectionism!

You have to be the best, the best in everything you do!

I left from Todireni with my grandmother, who used to say: You must be the best!

I took first prize up to the 12th grade!

Once I took the second prize and she didn't talk to me anymore!

They broke the ball in front of me.

This is how my pride is deflated!

After that, they put wine in it and they drank! I'm kidding!

Always be the best! That's why I don't have group sex!

I tend to finish first!

Second of all, I go to a psychologist to educate myself, to understand women,

to be prepared for women. And now I'm going to talk to the boys.

They're a hundred fucking years ahead

in everything related to communication, I shit you not!

Book a session, man, I'm going because

I no longer want to be part of the millions of men

who have been trailing behind women for millions of years

with one question: What’s wrong?

Hordes of surprised men!

What's the matter?!

What's wrong? I don't know, I didn't find out either.

Neither father, nor grandfather knew.

Right before he died, grandpa's last words were...

Why the fuck was she upset?

You'll never know! Because she doesn't know what to say!

Nothing means she's protecting you.

Your brain isn't ready for that information.

And the information gets updated!

You don't have a woman by your side, you have all the women!

There's a whole universe there, and you're a simple man,

a simple man, with simple needs: poop, pee, sleep.

Poop, pee, sleep.

What's wrong? Nothing!

She says that to protect you. If she told you what's wrong...

If you don't get informed, if you don't educate yourself,

and she says: Let me tell you what's wrong! Don't go into the kitchen!

You'll go there and she's going to say: I feel like I'm losing myself...

Your brain is going to go: Let's jump off the balcony now!

I'll take your legs. I see you're not moving.

What the hell does that mean?

I'm losing my mind! What are you losing, man?

You'll be walking around Cluj like: "What's wrong?"

She said she's going off track! Losing her mind!

She's a train, like her mother!

She used to puff when she came in visit.

You're not crazy! You're a responsible man going shelter, damn it!

It's like going to the gym! You learn!

You know what questions to ask, you know what answers to get, damn it!

When you enter the house, you're not surprised anymore

by the cold wind blowing in your face.

And she's in the kitchen like:

"And off you go!"

That's why there are more male hobos

than female hobos.

They have somewhere to stay!

But they don't go home.

That guy is dirty, full of shit: "It's good in the park!

It only rains here. I know the rain."

Go, damn it, because you have a woman next to you, and a woman has needs.

She talks with other women.

And it's not your fault, as a man, it's not her fault as a woman.

That's how we're built, that's how kids play from a young age.

Girls communicate from a young age. They have dolls. Fucking dolls.

And the dolls have names: You're Andreea.

And Andreea looks at Mihaela: "Suck it, Mihaela!"

And Andreea has a house, Andreea has dresses:

"Do you like... She's two years old! You?

You're a boy, toy cars! Vroom-vroom!

What can you do? It worked!

You were daddy's boy! Look at him playing!

You were daddy's boy!

In schools, there are no psychologists to teach you,

especially as an teenager, how to become a man!

Nobody teaches you that! They teach you geography,

they teach you history.

Does this information help you at 38? The hell it does!

You know where Mount Omu is? You know!

Do you ever go? No, because you don't bother people!

But what's your wife's deal when she's quiet?

She's saving your life, man!

It's something else, you're getting ready! As a man, you go and get prepared!

Even if you don't go to a psychologist,

although you should, but I'm not saying that.

Let's do a test.

I want the men who feel judged at home when they're idle to clap, only them!

Those who didn't clap, you have an excellent defense system!

All their dashboard lights lit up at this moment.

And their brain was like: Danger, danger! Look to your right!

Come on!

And they're all stoic: No, I'll be damned if...

Those who clapped have nothing to lose!

These people are in the trenches!

They know that a relationship is a struggle.

You consciously in a relationship!

It's like playing at Vlad's Casino: You know what's there,

it doesn't surprise you!

You inform yourself and you handle both of them.

You're looking for the jackpot in both. If you don't find it, that's it!

You try again, but you dive in consciously,

and even if you don't go to a psychologist.

Hey, get books, but secretly. As a man, you read in secret!

Like a ninja!

Don't let them see you!

Buy yourself communication books, psychology books, damn it.

Erotic intelligence, man!

And hide them in the bathroom!

And when you take a dump for 45 minutes...

Read a page, damn it!

Then wipe your ass with it, because you're a man!

And you're prepared!

I was talking to my grandfather at some point,

when he was alive, God rest his soul!

My grandfather stayed... almost 40 years with my grandmother.

Not like nowadays! They argue and leave!

They had the ugly stares back then!

When he appeared like this:

And she was like: Why are you looking at me like that?

If one of you looks angrily: Okay, I'm out of here!

Why are you looking at me like that, you moron?

And I asked my grandfather: What's the secret?

He said: There is no secret!

And I said: But do you love grandma? And he said: I loved her at first.

He said: The first few years, yes! Well, and then?

For 35 years I've wanted to kill her every night!

I said: Well, why didn't you? Because she doesn't sleep, damn it!

We stare at each other, like two rabbits. You close your eyes!

When you're idle at home,

I found the perfect comeback to get away unpunished.

It's a kind of "We'll see." From the president.

When she comes home you're watching TV and she says: What are you doing?

You tell her: I was thinking about how to make you happy.

What is she to say? Stop? No! Keep going...

Fuck you, Mihai!

I had an absolutely fantastic experience, it changed me.

It changed me a lot. America Express changed me.

Firstly, the experience was absolutely... You can't live something like that again.

You can't bathe in an active volcano

and then have a lady wash you in Colombia, in a river, butt naked.

You just can't! And she'd say to me: Maybe you'll catch a little fish!

You just can't!

You can't sleep in a hammock on a beach in Guatemala!

You can't experience these things again!

You can't smoke with an exorcist priest in Mexico!

You just can't!

God, at that moment, said:

I'll give you something for what's to come!

You just can't!

I'll remember that little man my whole life.

A seventy-something-year-old priest, gray haired, welcomed us there,

told us how to cast out demons. It was beautiful.

At some point, after the cameras stopped rolling,

he pulled out a jar full of weed, looked at me, and said: Quieres?

I don't know why me! And I said:

Yes!

And Cortea was like: Hey, don't smoke! And I said: But it's the priest, man!

How can you refuse the priest?

And he rolled it and it was cool. And he lit a cigarette.

And I smelled that scent.

And I had panic attacks from Botoșani, with my grandma saying:

You're embarrassing me!

He'll see you!

And I looked at the priest and said: Pero Señor?

And he was like: What?

And he said: Dios? And I said: Yes!

And he said: Who do you think put her in my path, son?

There you go!

Cortea asked me: What's that, weed? And I said: Believe and don't inquire!

It fit the situation there.

We almost died.

And that changes you as a person. You can die. The feeling is fantastic.

It's not fantastic, it sucks.

But it changes you. You lose your fear.

When we got there, some Mexicans told us:

Do everything you can not to look like Americans!

Mexico hates America and America hates Mexico.

They hate each other. Don't look like Americans!

Cortea, 120 kilograms. Sweaty armpits.

Tanned up to here like tractor drivers.

With a cap on his head like this, in flip-flops and shorts:

He had Texas written all over him! Kentucky!

And me!

The idiot, eating a banana,

hitchhiking on the highway, a guy stopped in a black Escalade,

rolled down a tinted window, and said:

Gringo, I'm going to kill you here!

And at that moment I said: I'm not with him, fuck that!

Yo soy panarama!

I won't die like an idiot in Mexico!

I'll die at 97 in an orchard, a fortune teller told me.

I gave her a million.

But it changes you.

You lose your fear. You gain new experiences.

It humbles you as a person.

In English, it's to humble. It grounded me.

That's why you have to take any experience after that as it comes.

You have to get ready, you have to learn.

Be careful how you respond to it.

It's different, because you're a nobody there.

And in general, you have to behave as if you're a nobody!

You have to prove to anyone that you deserve something.

I wasn't a star in Mexico.

I'm a star here because you come to the shows.

But if you don't come anymore, I'm just a bald guy.

A bald guy somewhere!

If I knocked on a door there, they would open and say: Que?

And I said: Can I sleep here? No! Get the fuck out!

You'll come to Untold, good luck finding accommodation!

Tough, but beautiful.

And I begged for stuff, and that changes you.

I begged because my colleague, Cortea, eats a lot!

A lot.

I don't eat normally. I eat very little.

I eat like a monk, standing, at home, cold cuts.

That's me. I don't know. Him, on the other hand? Bacon, stuff.

His tears are like bacon.

He wipes them with bread.

He fainted of hunger! I've never seen a man in my life...

We were walking down the street and he just fell.

And I said: What's wrong? You're having a stroke?

And he said: I'm hungry!

I said: Suck your finger! What can I do?

Bite your lip!

And we were in a village in Mexico, I'll remember it all my life!

And I'll digress a bit.

The people there, in all three countries I've been to,

are a bit like us.

Or maybe we're like them, I don't know exactly, I have no idea.

Regardless of hardships, regardless of cartels,

regardless of guerrillas, regardless of the mafia,

regardless of anything, people dance, have fun, drink beer, enjoy...

And us too: We drink, we eat sausages, mustard...

Is it hard? It's hard for your mom! Yeah... We're fine!

We have a Romanian joie de vivre!

It's ours!

That's how they were!

And we arrived in a little village, there was an artesian well.

And people were dancing cumbia.

Kids running around, lights everywhere.

People with sombreros drinking beer.

And Cortea froze, like this:

And I said: What's wrong? Having a stroke?

No! He says. Carnitas!

And I thought it was a band. I said: Is Carnitas playing?

And he said: No, you moron, grilled meat!

And there was a table with seven, six, seven Mexicans, and he said:

Go on, ask them for something!

They were eating tacos, dancing, everyone...

It was beautiful, kids around them, they were eating,

everyone was eating and Cortea wasn't!

And he said to me: Go and ask them! And I said: You do it!

And he said: Go on, Bordea, because you have a beggar's face.

Well, that's true... Look at me!

Cortea is fat!

You'd think he'd already eaten, you wouldn't believe him!

I look like I died seven years ago!

I'm a miracle!

And I went...

I was like Jesus carrying the Cross.

Cortea was shouting like a pimp: Come on, faster!

A little faster!

And I went... I stared at a Mexican at the table,

with a little mustache, and with a cowboy hat

and with a huge taco in his hand, as big as his face,

and I fixated on him, bent over a bit, widened my eyes to look more rat-like,

and in a perfect Moldovan Spanish,

I said: Hola, senor!

Yo soy Catalin! We got acquainted. I wasn't hungry!

From behind, I could hear Cortea's stomach, going: Hurry up!

I said: Senor, I'm from Romania.

Do you know where Romania is? No? I didn't know how to say far,

so I was like:

I said: Senor...

May I...

...get a little food?

And with an arrogant look, the guy says: Why?!

That was the moment the Moldovan in me came out, for fuck sake!

All the soap operas I watched with my mom when I was little came back to me:

Fiorela, Wild Heart, Ugly Betty.

My neurons were singing: La jente, pasa, pasa, siempre tan igual...

And I said: Wanna know why? Because I'm pregnant!

You fucking fuck!

Thank you so much, people!

That was the show! That was me! You were all here!

Thank you very much!

Baby!

I'm fucking proud of you! Jamila can die if I'm lying!

I love you! Congratulations!