Original subtitles

- Booger!

- If this ain't the cheese.

I wonder where we are, Ben?

- I don't know, that sign over yonder

says Matterhorn switch.

- I hope it's in walking distance.

- It damn sight better be.

- Then what, Ben?

You don't trust in human nature, Booger.

I'll think of something.

Let's hear it for the rough riders.

Oh look!

- Thank you.

- Some nice gentleman bought us some beers.

Well thank you so much, Reesus.

- Don't mind if I do.

All right, everybody ante up.

- That's mine.

- Too rich for me, I'm just gonna watch.

Well I ain't never seen.

- Excuse me.

Would you excuse me?

- Yeah.

Um, you busy?

Yes sir.

This looks like my night, gents.

Yes sirree.

Dealer bets 10.

I'll call that 10.

Excuse me, Mister.

I dropped my hat.

- Well of all the damn nerve.

You little worm.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Sneaking free looks?

Ya damn pre-vert.

- Oh leave him alone Velma.

Now he ain't looked at nothin'

every other guy in the whole county ain't already seen.

- I didn't say that.

- Oh come on Velma, I said let go of him, he's mine.

- Hal, get him another drink.

You can't blame a guy for tryin', can you?

- My locking glass, my looking glass.

- It serves you right,

trying to sneak a peek under Miss Velma's skirt.

Of all the low down rotten stinkin', can you imagine?

- Break it up, boys.

Don't let the celebration get out of hand.

Now there's no harm done here.

So, let's get on with the game, huh?

Gotta give these fellas back some of their money.

Drinks all around.

- Well I guess a couple more hands,

kind of wind down the evening, wouldn't hurt anybody.

I hope.

Winning's a big pleasure.

- Looks like somebody dropped their mirror,

and broke it.

- I expect we oughta play that last hand again,

and pass the deal.

Any complaints?

- All right by me.

- You know how to play five card draw, chubby?

- Yes sir.

- Good.

- I'll bet five.

- I'll call that five.

- Oh yeah?

Well, I'll raise that five, five more chubby.

- I'll call.

- I'll call.

Two cards.

- Two cards.

- How about two little goodies?

- How about two little goodies.

One little goody,

two little goodies.

I'll play these.

- I'll bet five.

- Well,

I'll see your bet, and I'll raise.

- Okay.

40,

and I'll bump it for you.

I'm all done.

- Well I got pretty lucky.

I Think I'll just bet it all.

- Gonna bet the whole farm, huh?

Those aces they start to look real good

in your hand after a while.

What do you got?

- Well, you was right about those aces,

but I got me some eights to go with 'em.

- Aces and eights, the dead man's hand.

Four queens.

Well, you ain't the worst poker player

I've ever played in my life,

but you're in the top two.

About the same size, both of 'em too.

Tell you what, take this and buy something,

as long as it isn't something to eat.

Tell you what,

why don't you try to stick this to your ceiling,

go upstairs and have a whale of a good time

with your friend.

- It wasn't my fault, Ben.

- Oh of course it wasn't, sweet thing, come on.

Come on, how about you and me go up to my room.

You heard what the man said.

Come on, excuse me fellas, look out.

We're going upstairs.

- Booger, you owe me one.

- Come on!

Honey!

I knew you was something special

first time I saw you.

My mama told me how to tell.

That's mama up there.

She said, "Lucinda, always look at the size

"of a man's feet."

- Don't do that.

- You know, when I saw yours, I said,

"Oh, we're gonna be a real good match."

- Hey, what would you say to one more romp,

for old time's sake?

- I'd say no.

It's time to get up and pay up, travelin' man.

- You said yourself that was a real treat.

- Boy, it truly was, but I was hopin' now maybe--

- I really ought to settle down

with a real good man.

Others seriously think about it, and I think you're it.

- Well dumplings,

I mean I like you a lot.

I ain't exactly the marryin' kind.

- I know, yes you are.

- I paid already.

- Uh-uh, a real treat's five bucks extra, buster,

and that's what you owe me.

- Well beings you put it like that,

I reckon I do owe you.

But you'll have to wait till I get a hold of my partner.

Pee on the fire, and call in the dogs, Booger.

This hunt is over.

- Hey, where you goin'?

- I gotta go and see a man about a bird dog, dumplings.

- I didn't know you knew nothin' about bird dogs.

- There's a lot of things about me that you don't know.

- You sleaze.

If you think for one minute

that you're walking out of my place

without paying for the real treat,

you'd better think again.

Leon!

- That window don't open.

It's nailed shut.

- I gotta get out of here.

- Wait.

- I can't hardly breathe.

- Listen, don't run out on me.

Come on, Booger.

I want my money, Mister.

You owe me five bucks.

- Well, how much do I owe you?

- Oh, oh no if you was satisfied,

I was real satisfied.

You're coming back aren't you?

- Much obliged, I tell you,

I ain't one to lock a gift horse, thank you.

- You owe me, Leon!

- Come back tonight, won't you?

- Grab him.

- Where are you gentlemen going?

- Let me go, let go.

- Hang on to 'em, Leon.

The curly-haired one here tried to dodge his bill.

- I did not, I paid up fair and square.

And you didn't say anything about a real treat being extra.

She didn't.

- Pay up, chiseler.

- I ain't got it, I'm flat busted.

- I'll just take these boots.

They oughta be worth something.

- Hey, they're elk hide Justins,

they're worth more than five dollars.

Give me my boots back.

- Down the back stairs with 'em Leon,

like the rest of the deadbeats.

Get going.

Don't wanna lose my hat.

- On your way, bums.

Don't you ever set foot in my place, again.

Unless you got money.

- I think we've done been had ma'am.

These boots ain't worth a damn.

- Son of a bitch.

Don't you ever set foot in my place again.

- Put your clothes on, Ben.

Somebody's liable to see you

running around here half naked,

and put the law onto you.

- Damn Booger, they was good boots.

- Forget about them boots.

- They was elk hide.

- Elk's ass.

When we went in there Ben, we was doing a flim-flam.

We coulda been put in jail,

or maybe even shot.

- That's still no call

to leave a fellow out here, barefooted.

And I got a half a mind to go back in there

and whoop up on a little ass.

- And I got half a mind to tell you that you're nuts.

I mean it Ben, I'm sick and tired

of dragging around from bitter to bulls,

and catchin' handouts,

and workin' flim-flams, and doing odd jobs

for little or no wages,

and sleepin' in barns, and livin' by your wits.

- Are you through.

- No I ain't through,

and livin' by your wits ain't no livin', Ben.

- Well, it ain't all that bad a life, Booger.

I mean there's all the travelin'.

And you couldn't see all this beautiful country

and hold down a regular job.

Besides, them old boots weren't that much anyway.

I was fixin' to get me a new pair, anyhow.

- How are you gonna pay for a new pair of boots, Ben?

We ain't had 40 dollars between us

since you outran the gambler in El Paso last winter.

Just once, I'd love to be able to ride inside the coach

and have a cold beer,

instead of hangin' on for dear life,

and eatin' road dust and waitin' for a railroad bull

to come along and knock me loose.

I mean it Ben, I want me a stake,

and I ain't talkin' about the kind

that comes on a cow.

I'm talkin' about a handful of green,

are you lookin' at me?

I'm talkin' about a handful of greenback dollars.

It's somethin' so I can get me

a little edge on in this world.

- Yeah, and I guess you want to go to church

on Sundays, too huh?

- I might.

- And sit up there in the front row

and rub shoulders with all the big shots.

Hell Booger, you ain't cut out for that kind of life.

It'd kill you deader than a Cincinnati pig.

- Well I ain't in the best of health right now.

My ass is all skinned up,

and my back's out of kilter

from getting kicked out of that damn boxcar in Las Cruces.

There's gotta be a better way to live than this here, Ben.

And I'm so hungry, if I had me some bread,

I'd make me a sandwich,

if I had me some meat.

I mean other people, they seem to get along just fine,

livin' in the big white houses, and the picket fences.

- Yes, and the clerk in the dry goods stores,

or pushin' a plow,

and a-smellin' mule gas all day,

and a-sweatin' just as much and a-stinkin' twice as bad.

And I'll tell you something else, Mister Skaggs,

you got absolutely no call at all,

being all riled up like this.

You stand absolutely no chance at all

of making it to the upper crust.

And I'll tell you something else hoss,

as ugly as you are,

you'd have one hell of a time finding a woman

that would love you for something besides your money.

- Well that's all you know.

I still have my money, and my boots.

- Five dollars, that ain't no stake.

To do what you want to do,

you'd have to take out a loan at a bank.

- A bank?

- Yes, Booger, a bank,

and I reckon that's just what we'll do,

is march ourselves right over to that bank

and tell that feller in there that we--

- Hold on Ben, you gotta have what they call,

it's called--

- Collateral.

- That's right, and ain't no bank

gonna give us something for nothin',

and we ain't got nothin' worth nothin'

but this here five dollar poker chip.

- How about this old chin buster here?

We gave nearly 25 dollars for this, remember?

And that ain't countin' the postage,

and there's real gold in this watch, Booger, real gold.

8:15, my day, any men interested in getting ahead

would be on the job by now.

It's what made this country,

grit and punctuality.

- Hold up a minute, Ben.

Hey have you ever been in a bank before?

- No.

- Well I have.

Tried to cash a check from a man

who had bought a horse from me.

- What happened?

- Well, they wouldn't give me the money.

They said his check was bad.

But that didn't make no difference.

- Why not?

- It wasn't my horse.

Ben, let's come back tomorrow.

- Tomorrow's Saturday, and the bank is closed.

- Well let's come back on Monday.

- Come on, Booger.

- Business hours don't start till nine o'clock gentlemen,

if you'll come back then,

I'm sure we can take care of whatever business you might--

- We ain't, we ain't got a lot of time.

- What is this about?

- Here Booger, it was your idea.

You tell him what we want.

- We need,

we need some money.

What's that noise?

- How the hell should I know?

I never been in a bank before.

- Ben, I think we just took up

bank robbin'.

- Hold up mister, hold up!

- Can't hear you with that bell ringin'.

- Get him Booger.

- Hold up, we need a ride.

- I can't hear, there's a bell ringin'.

- Hold it.

- Fella, there's a bell ringin',

I can't hear a word you're sayin'.

- Stop it.

- Hold it.

Stop that thing.

- Hold it, I said, hold it.

Get in Booger, get in.

- I told you to stop, that we needed a ride.

Get this damn thing movin'.

High-tail it, mister.

What are you doin'?

- Hey, what'd you do that for?

- Look gentlemen, I'm not asking any question, okay.

I really don't care what you gentlemen are doing.

You can have my car.

Just hand me my sample cases.

- Hold on a minute.

- Please mister, give me my sample cases,

and I'll be on my way.

Oh Lord.

Thank you.

- But you ain't got no coat.

- I appreciate it, thank you.

I'm gonna walk.

I really don't mind walkin'.

Walking's good for me.

Oh, excuse me.

My merchandise.

Excuse me.

- Booger, can you drive this contraption?

- Hell no, you know I can't drive.

- Well if that fancy dan can do it, you can do it.

Get your buns up behind that wheel and let's go.

- What do I do first?

- Whatever he was doing, you do.

Let's get the hell out of here.

The other way Booger, the other way.

Get on the road, Booger.

Hell Ben, I'm trying.

Booger!

Be careful with my automobile,

won't you, please?

Booger, you're gonna kill us.

- That damn fool and his toys.

Thaddeus.

Thaddeus?

I told you for the last time

if you pull that thing again I'm gonna fry your liver.

Thaddeus?

You around here?

- Sheriff, did you catch them?

- Turn that damn thing off.

Catch who?

- The two bank bandits.

- Thaddeus,

now if you're trying to make out that you've been robbed,

it ain't gonna work.

I've been rousted out of my bed enough,

with that bellerin' doodad you get there,

and I want to warn you,

if you don't get shed of that thing,

there's gonna be hell to pay.

- But Sheriff, I set it off on purpose this time.

There was two of 'em.

They surprised me as I was openin" the bank.

I almost didn't have time to reach up for the alarm handle.

One of 'em, shoved a shotgun right in my face.

- Well I'll be damned.

How much money did they get?

Stop this damn thing, Booger.

I can't.

Stop this damn thing.

I ain't sure I can stop this, Ben.

Why you can't?

I told you I couldn't drive the damn thing.

Now which way do we go?

Let's head for Fort Stockton.

Then we can catch at the fast break.

That way?

The other way, Booger.

The other way!

Watch that ditch Booger.

Keep it on the road.

Why I ever let you drive.

- What do you mean, they didn't get any money?

- Because my new alarm system scared 'em off.

They just turned tail and ran when it went off,

like any frightened bank robber would.

They even left their money bag behind.

Now are you gonna go after them?

Or do I have to wire the Rangers?

- Do no good to wire the Rangers.

- Why not?

- Because day before yesterday that gully washer

knocked the lines down, comin' and goin'.

- Well get it fixed.

- Honest Ben, I can't see a sign of anybody.

- Well, they probably tock a shortcut, Booger.

Hurry up and cut the wire,

we're running out of running room.

- I can't.

- You can't?

Why?

- I ain't got a knife.

- Here.

Now cut the damn wire, Booger,

the Rangers are probably already out after us.

- Which one?

- How in the hell should I know, Booger?

Just cut both of them, and be done with it.

- Okay.

Ben!

You owe me one, Ben.

- You cut the damn wires, Booger.

- You owe me one.

Anybody here seen Sheriff Catledge?

- Sheriff, if you don't go after those two thugs right now,

I am gonna have your badge come election day.

- But you said yourself,

that there wasn't any money took.

- There was a robbery,

an attempted robbery,

and by damn you're gonna--

- Excuse me Sheriff,

somebody told me I might find you here.

- Hold, hold tight Sam.

But if there wasn't any money took,

there wasn't any robbery.

- Excuse me Sheriff, but I have been robbed.

Automobile thieves, with a shotgun.

- Well, Sheriff.

- All right Thaddeus, now you just simmer down.

Even if I was to form a posse,

we haven't got a prayer of catching them thieves.

They'd be long gone by now, don't you know that?

- Thieves?

You mean armed bandits, probably murderers.

If you'd have seen the steely-eyed look.

We are signing out a warrant, Sheriff Catledge,

and by damn you better--

What do you mean you can't catch up with them?

If you expect me to go off on horseback

with a posse full of hungover store clerks,

after two desperadoes,

in an automobile, and the only automobile in town,

you're barking up the wrong tree, mister.

- Wait a minute Sheriff, how about Miss Jesse?

She's got an automobile.

- Miss Jesse got a lot of things,

but they cost a lot of money.

Yes ma'am there was two of 'em,

robbed Mister Dillman's bank,

and then they stole Sam's new REO.

Then I don't expect you'll be coming up

the back stairs this weekend unless you get your money back.

Huh Thaddy?

- Well, they didn't actually get any money, Miss Jesse.

I tripped my new electrical alarm system.

The barefoot one had the shotgun,

and when the alarm went off.

- Did you say one of them was barefoot?

- Curly hair?

Heavy set?

Then it must have been the same two that tock advantage,

that roughed up a couple of my girls,

and tried to skip out of town with,

hell yes you can have my automobile, Sheriff.

Leon!

Leon.

Yes, ma'am.

- Get the car ready.

Sheriff Catledge is going to need some help.

- Outlaw.

Hey Sheriff.

- Stop the caterwaulin' Pike.

Come on.

There's gonna be a hangin'.

- A hangin'?

Oh you can't, you can't hang a man

just from getting a little drunk.

- Save it for the festivities, come on.

- But you can't--

- Come on, come on.

Start movin'.

Damn your drivin' Booger,

if I had my boots I'd walk.

If your feet wasn't so small you could wear mine.

That ain't funny Booger.

If you don't kill us, a posse will.

- Follow me.

- Right.

- Great balls of fire.

- I hardly had time to get dressed.

- Lucinda, you must remember that this is a business,

and we either collect up front,

or we collect over their dead bodies.

- Oh but we--

- And Lucinda, try not to talk.

- And where in the blazes do you think you're goin'?

- Swear us in, Sheriff, we're going too.

- It's gonna be too rough out there for you girls.

A woman's place is in a house, a home.

- Since when, John?

It's my automobile,

and those two deadbeats took advantage

of poor little Lucinda, here.

- No.

- And either we go, or nobody goes.

At least not in my automobile.

- It ain't worth it, it never was.

Thaddeus, where's your piece?

- Sheriff, whatever do you mean?

- Every member of this posse has got to have a piece.

- I don't know how to, it's your job

to pursue those men, Sheriff.

I don't see why I have to--

- Get your rump in here, Thaddeus.

- Get in.

- Really Sheriff, I don't--

- Get in the car.

- Yes, sir.

Bye, Miss Smith.

- Bye!

- Shut up breathin' Booger, I can't hear nothin".

- I can't shut up breathin',

and still jump this here fool thing up and down, Ben.

Here, you pump a while.

- We ain't got time to change off.

That posse'll be coming over the hill any minute.

Just keep pumpin'.

- Oh my God, Ben looky yonder.

- Where'd he come from?

- Reckon he knows something we don't know Ben?

- Get the hell out of here, shoo whoo.

We ain't gonna be your dinner, git!

He's just restin' up there, Booger.

Hell we're not gonna be his--

Uh oh, maybe we are gonna be his dinner.

- Maybe we oughta give ourselves up or something, Ben.

- You go ahead and give yourself up.

If they don't shoot you, I'll give myself up.

- Hell Ben, they can't be the posse.

Posse'd be comin' from that way.

Maybe it's the Rangers.

I hear they're dead shots, Ben.

- Well if that is the Rangers,

they're being careless as hell.

They don't even know who we are yet.

Just act natural, Booger.

We ain't in the jailhouse yet,

not for a while anyways.

Hey, that ain't Rangers, Booger.

Them boys are wearing soldiers' suits.

That's soldier boys.

Well, we're sure glad to see you fellows come along.

We kind of threw a shoe,

in sort of a manner of speakin'.

- Looks like you got troubles all right.

Real trouble.

We wasn't real sure what was going on down here.

- Yeah, you don't see one of them contraptions

around here very often.

- We been river ridin', looking for bandit sign.

Found some too.

- Bandits?

Oh yeah, that's why we was actin' sort of spooky down here.

When you all came ridin' up,

we thought you was bandits.

- I expect you fellers did.

Mighty grateful for some help,

were it to come.

- Boy, you ain't a-kiddin'.

- Whereabouts you boys headed?

- We headin' that way.

- Well, whereabouts you come from?

- Well, we came from back yonder ways.

- Oh yeah, Matterhorn's down there.

Boy they got a cathouse down there, don't they?

- I wouldn't know.

I never been there.

I couldn't say.

- There you go, fellers.

Harder'n a watermelon, now, plenty of air in there.

Well that oughta be worth somethin' to you fellers,

don't you think?

- Much obliged.

- I was thinkin' more like a couple of greenback dollars.

- Well, you gonna have to settle for much obliged.

We're flat busted.

- Really?

Well, you can't afford to pay,

then you can't have my air.

Bevins.

- Hey, what are you doing?

Stop that!

- I figure a man drive a car like that around,

a fancy car like that around,

he oughta have some cash around.

- Honest boys, we really are broke.

Honest.

- All right, that tears it.

The fun's over, reach for the sky!

Looks like we're about to join the US Army, Booger.

Start peeling out of them fancy little soldier suits.

Peel 'em.

- I don't know why we have to be runnin' around

this hot desert chasing after them two

sweet fellas. - Oh Lucinda,

if you would do as you were told,

and you were told to collect the money up front,

this wouldn't be happening.

- But, Miss Jesse,

you know the funny one, the cute one that has the cutest,

well, he and I are gonna be married,

so I didn't feel it was right

to collect money from him, up front.

- Tell me Lucinda,

what's this guy got, that I don't have?

- For one thing, big feet.

- Honest fellers, we was really just funnin' ya.

We didn't mean to make you mad,

nothin' like that.

- Yeah, look here, I don't want to make you any madder,

but I gotta tell you guys somethin'.

Those uniforms, they don't even belong to us.

They belong to the United States government.

You're just gonna get yourself in a lot more trouble.

- Trouble?

There's a posse after us.

And we wouldn't be doin" this to you,

if it wasn't a matter of life or death.

So I just wanted to give you all a fair warning.

- Come on Ben, let's go.

- Beings that you all was kindly enough,

to stop and help a couple of weary travelers out,

that posse that's gonna come in here,

is gonna come in a-shootin' first

and askin' questions later,

if there's anyone left to ask questions to.

Things kinda got out of hand back there in Matterhorn.

We had to leave a couple of folks shot up pretty bad.

- Now what are you talkin' about.

- Them two old ladies at the bank.

The ones that wouldn't give us the combination to the safe.

- Oh yeah, them two.

He's tellin' the truth.

The only description they've got here

is this automobile here.

We didn't leave any eyewitnesses.

- If I was you boys,

I'd be gettin' that wheel back on this vehicle,

just as quick as I could,

and be gettin' the hell out of here.

Here Booger, I'll cover 'em.

You pick up them old clothes, let's be gettin'.

Now you fellas better do what he says.

- Now you boys'd be well-advised

to try to keep that thing between the ditches.

Come on, Booger.

- You got my finger in there!

- Things are starting to get out of hand, Ben.

I never signed on for all this stealin', robbin' and such.

- Now wait a minute, Booger.

We ain't done anything really bad.

I mean we ain't hurt anybody have we?

We didn't take any money.

I guess we took that car,

and these horses and these clothes, in self defense.

- We damn sure can't get across the river

in these here soldier suits.

We'll get our asses shot off.

You got a bigger target than I got.

- Look that sign back there at the crossroads

said, 'Sudro Springs'.

Now that's gotta be a ranch or a town or something.

We can get a change of clothes there, come on.

Hold up Ben, hold up.

Look back yonder.

That's them soldier boys.

Boy, they sure fixed that wheel in a hurry.

And who's that?

That's gotta be the posse.

I pink posse?

Well, we gotta good jump on 'em, let's go.

What's wrong with that wheel back there?

I can't hold it.

Something's comin' loose.

Please don't let them shoot

those two poor innocent--

Lucinda, quiet.

Damn, what have they done to my car?

- Looks to me like they got a busted tire.

I think we got 'em now.

I wonder what in the hell they're doing,

standing around there in their long johns.

- I don't know Sheriff,

but they're wavin' a white flag.

- We ain't the ones.

- We ain't done nothin'.

- We ain't--

- Well, what about it, gentlemen?

Take a good look.

Are they the ones?

- I can't see from here, Sheriff.

They certainly weren't dressed like that

when the held up the bank.

We didn't do nothin'!

There were wearin' clothes

when they stole my automobile,

and that's my REO, that's my REO for sure, Sheriff.

- I never seen them before in my whole life.

That's right.

- We're in the Army.

It's them other guys.

- Don't shoot us, don't shoot.

Wait a minute!

Honest to God, we ain't the ones

who shot up them two old ladies.

- You guys have got to hear us out.

Now we ain't done nothin', we're in the Army.

We didn't kill them little old ladies.

- Nobody told me anything about two old ladies gettin' shot.

- Not in my bank, they didn't.

- I'm sorry Sheriff, those aren't the two fellas

that stole my REO, but that's my REO all right.

At least, what's left of it.

- We just stopped to help a couple of guys

with a flat tire.

Well the first thing we know,

they done leveled down on us with a shotgun,

threatenin' to shoot us down like dogs.

Ain't that right, Bevins?

- Yes sir, that's right.

They meant it too, Sheriff.

After they said that they was gonna kill us.

- Said they murdered two old ladies

in cold blood a ways back.

- Sure as shootin', Sheriff.

We's gonna be next.

- Oh, howdy Miss Jesse.

You remember us,

Corporal Hawkins, 13th Cavalry.

Just last week.

You give me a real treat.

She's the one I told you about.

- Yes, I've seen these two, Sheriff.

They're Army.

Okay, you can put your hands down.

On second thought, put 'em up.

You're deputized.

- Deputized?

- Yeah, deputized.

- Leon, give them boys one of Miss Jesse's spare tires.

We're gonna need all the help we can get.

And damn it, somebody give that bare-assed boy

something to wear there.

- Well, it's just like you said, Booger.

Things could be a lot worse.

We can fill up here on spring water,

and be in Mexico before dark.

- Yep.

Just in time to get shot by whichever side finds us first.

- Booger, you're a worrier.

You're gonna have to start looking

at the bright side of things.

Soap!

The whole damn creek is full of soap.

- This ain't no time to be takin' a bath, Ben.

- I mean it, Booger.

We're a hundred miles from no place,

in the middle of nothin',

and the whole damn creek is full of soap.

- Is is soap.

Soap in the damn creek.

Bound to be clear water upstream, come on.

Hell, Booger.

That's just a couple of fellers doing their wash.

- Where the hell are we, Ben?

I don't know Booger,

but I hope this is the road to Mexico.

- Well they don't look like Mexicans to me.

- Buenas Dias,

el road-o, Mexico?

- Ben, they don't talk like Mexicans.

- Is this the road to Sudro Springs?

- The river, which way's the river?

- Which way is it?

This way, or that way?

- You're scaring the horses.

You're scaring the horses.

- We don't want any trouble.

Hold it, stop that!

Ah hell, let's get out of here.

By God boys, they're headed for the river.

Jesus Christ Bevins, hold on.

- Whoa, whoa Ben.

Looky yonder, Ben.

What in the world's going on now?

Give it all you got now,

we'll be out of here

in now time. - I don't know, Booger.

Okay, you ready? - But it don't look like

there's any other way around.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Al right.

One more good shove, and we'll have her now.

Okay, let's shove with all you've got, now.

Ready, heave!

Hold it, hold it.

If you'd have put your back into it,

we'd have had it out of here, and back on the road.

You men, come down here and lend us a hand.

You two on the horses.

Get down here on the double.

- What are we gonna do?

- Well hell Booger, you got the stripes.

Just act natural, we'll ride on through.

- Act natural?

Hell, that's the real Army down there, Ben.

- Look at that feller flappin' his arms.

They can't even keep their truck on the road, Booger.

Let's go.

Hold it men, hold it.

Don't you men see that we need some help here?

- I'm sorry Lieutenant, we ain't got time.

- It's Captain, Captain Hazelton.

What do you mean you don't have time, soldier?

- Well, beggin' the Captain's pardon, sir.

But me and Booger, I mean me and the sergeant here,

we gotta get on down the road.

- Sergeant?

Just who's in charge here, Corporal?

And button that shirt.

- I am sir.

And we got special orders

to take a message down to the springs.

- Well you're wrong Corporal,

I'm in charge here,

and first you'll lend us a hand with this truck.

And I'm sure your mission isn't a matter of life and death.

- Well yes sir, it is sir,

in a manner of speaking it is, sir.

- Well, we'll see about that later.

Then we'll all do down to the springs,

because I have orders, Corporal,

to set up a signal station, and take messages.

Now then, take some of those ropes,

and tie on to the front of that truck.

That is a direct order.

Move it.

- Aye aye, Captain sir.

- Move it!

Get the pole back under there, men.

- What are we gonna do, now?

- Well just do what the soldier boy says.

Let's don't start any trouble here.

Go ahead and tie her on.

- Put the shoulders into it men,

and we'll be out of here and back on the road, in no time.

Are you men ready up there?

- Ready as we'll ever be sir.

- Hey we can't go ridin' into the springs with the Army.

They'll find us out for sure.

- We'll just have to play it by ear, Booger.

Stay loose.

Stay loose, my ass.

All right, get a move on up there men.

Okay let's do it by the numbers guys,

we'll go on four, okay?

All together men, by the numbers.

One, two,

three,

four!

- Get down Booger, get down.

- Hey!

Don't let it go!

- I'll have you court-martialed.

- By God when we get to Sudro, I'll have their hides.

Leon, be careful with the car.

- They're murderers.

- Real pig feet.

- Horse thieves.

- Murdered two little old ladies too.

- Hold back there, this is the law.

Leon, put some water in this thing.

- We're following two bank bandits.

- And murderers, there's gonna be a hangin'.

- Did anybody else go through here?

Does anybody speak ying-yang, what the hell they're talkin'?

Two bank robbers.

Two soldiers.

Two men on horse.

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up.

Giddy up.

Miss Jesse.

Miss Jesse.

Real treat.

Real treat.

- They do my laundry.

Who does yours?

- That's enough gabberin' and caterwaulin", and sgawkin'.

Raise your hands.

Ah, the hell with it.

You're deputized, get in the other car.

Get in the other car!

- Back there, back in that car.

Hurry!

- Get mud all over my car.

Miss Jesse, I still gotta go.

Lucinda.

Grit your teeth.

By God Booger, there's Sudro's.

What'd I tell you?

Looks kinda dead to me, Ben.

We'll just ride on down and find out.

Hello in the house, anybody home?

Anybody home?

- Anybody home?

Sing out.

Bandit,.

Take cover, get down.

- What are you damn fools doing here?

That was a damn fool stunt to pull.

Them bandits almost had your hide.

Some of Pancho Villa's leftovers.

They call themselves revolutionaries, I call 'em bandits.

The sons of bitches had us pinned down here for two days.

Where's the rest of your outfit?

- They ain't no more of us.

There's just us two.

- What the corporal means is,

that we were sent on ahead.

There's a whole bunch of troopers up the road,

headed this way.

- And there's a posse from Matterhorn,

and they right behind them.

- Well they better hurry and get here,

'cause we're running out of ammunition.

Ran outta water during the night.

They knocked down my sluice box to the springs.

Well, looks like you're gonna be here for the duration.

I might as well introduce you around.

I'm Anson Sudro.

That's my wife, Mary.

Over there under the table, with our little boy, Charlie.

Charlie got hit with a ricochet bullet last night.

I reckon he's gonna be all right, if we can get some help.

That's my oldest boy, Tom, over there.

He's guardin' the backside.

That lady back there, that's the widow Quinn.

- Looks like you're holdin' your own, ma'am.

- Sudro, anybody over there in the box?

- Yep.

Her husband, Mister Quinn.

- Well I reckon you pretty happy to see us come along.

Well little lady, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

- Ben.

- Well I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna-- Private.

I'm the Corporal, and I'm in charge,

and I want to talk to you a minute.

In private.

Private.

- Excuse me, ma'am.

- Ben, this ain't no time to get horny.

Especially with the widow woman.

That damn posse from Matterhorn,

and those soldiers are liable to,

they're liable to bust in here any minute.

And if they don't,

why them banditos out there are gonna

knock this place to the ground.

Either way, we lose.

- Booger, this place is built like a fort.

We can hold 'em off in here.

- Yeah, until everybody else who's lookin' for us,

until they show up, and then what?

The firing squad?

Are they gonna put us in jail?

- Well, don't burn your cornbread.

I'll think of something before that happens.

I hope.

- Well just who in the hell do you think you are, old man?

- I'm the Brewster County Sheriff,

and I'm ordering you to get that damn truck

off of that damn road, and out of my damn way.

- Well can't you see that I'm workin' on it?

What the hell's your hurry, anyway?

- Bank robbers!

Headed for Sudro Springs and the crossing,

wearing soldier suits and ridin' government issue mounts.

- If they'd just stick to chicken stealin',

I wouldn't mind it so bad.

- Anson, Charlie's gotta have some water.

He's burning up with fever,

and I'm afraid to give him any more of this.

-I get it.

Have to run down to the ditch.

They won't see me before it's too late.

- No no no, get away from that door.

What makes you think you'd get any further than I did?

You'd be damn lucky if they only shot you in the leg,

like they did me.

- We ain't got that many choices, Pa.

- We'll manage son, we'll manage.

Them troops are on the way, right?

- Yeah, any time now.

- In the future keep your damn big feet off your Mama's bed.

- Oh, their shooting's getting better.

- Hold on, it'll be all right, Charlie.

Just hold on a little while longer, darling.

- Ben, have you thought of anything yet?

- No, I'm still thinkin' on it.

Hey Sudro?

What's in that shed out there?

- That's where I keep my coal oil barrel.

I got a bunch of old harness, and rope,

and dynamite caps, things like that.

- Dynamite caps?

Where?

- I got another full box sittin' there on the floor.

We don't get much call for 'em.

- Where on the floor?

- It's sittin' over there by the door.

- Booger, I'm gonna go out the front,

and stir me up some bandits.

You take that government issue rifle of yours,

and you start pumpin" rounds into that shed,

just as fast as you can,

and aim low.

We just may start ourselves a little fire.

And if we can get enough smoke goin',

maybe we can make it across that yard and up that ditch.

And you can fire a few rounds yourself, it's your shed.

- I'm the only one who knows where them dynamite caps are.

- Ain't hardly enough left of that shed to start a fire Ben.

Think of something else.

Hey Ben, what set it off?

- I don't know Booger,

but let's take what's given.

- Ben.

Well, it's now or never.

- You're gonna need these for the water.

- Oh yeah, the water.

Let's go, Booger.

All right, let's turn 'em out son.

- This way, Booger.

- Ben?

Hell, how about the water?

- Wait a minute, Booger.

Take a look at this.

Come on.

That's Mexico, Booger.

All we've gotta do is swim for it.

- Ben, we about to be quits as partners.

Right here and now.

We ain't quits, partner.

But by God, we're even.

Nobody gets to live forever.

- Here, come on.

Come on Booger, come on.

Booger!

Come on.

- You'll be okay Booger, just take it easy.

- Get me a bucket.

- Get him a bucket, quick.

- I need a bucket, dang it.

Quick.

- What are you doing?

What you did out there today,

you'll be remembered for this, I promise you that.

- If it's all the same to you, ma'am,

I'd just as soon you forget about the whole thing.

- Yeah, we'd just as soon not have our names

bandied about ma'am, if you don't mind.

- We got the water.

It's muddy but it's wet.

I'll take over for a while now, ma'am.

Charlie's gonna be okay, look.

Look what I brought you Charlie.

Got ya some chicken.

The old boy ain't all in one piece, but he's good, looky.

I think we really got 'em

stirred up out there now.

How about that?

Looks like they're running out of patience.

Rigged themselves some kind of ladder.

- And they are making a run at us.

Get the bar.

- Son of a bitch is on the roof.

There's no way to get at him up there.

- Well, he can't get at us, either.

Everybody take cover.

Get back and take cover.

One of them shots are bound to hit somebody.

- You won't get him that way,

that roof's three inches thick.

- Booger?

Unbar the door.

- Ben you can't go out there,

you'll get your butt shot off.

- Unbar the door, Booger.

- Ben, you're gonna get yourself killed.

- Booger, just unbar the door, damn it.

Unbar the door.

You got any better ideas?

- Well no, but.

- Then unbar the door.

- I told you were gonna get your butt shot off.

Ben, och my God,

you done got yourself shot, Ben.

Ben?

You son of a bitch.

All hell's fixin' the break loose Ben,

here comes the posse.

- Form a skirmish line, men.

Form and start firing.

- Let's head for the river, Ben.

This'd be our last chance.

- We sure ain't gonna get a better one.

- Hold your fire.

Hold your fire!

- Hold your fire, men!

That's Mexico over there,

I ain't gonna create an international accident,

incident.

- Cease fire, men.

Cease fire!

Damn it, get back up to the store.

- All right Leon, let's get this thing

back up at the store.

No tellin' what we might find on the inside.

- Yes, Mister Catledge.

- Thank God, you made it.

They said you was comin',

but we didn't think you was gonna make it in time.

God bless your damn hearts.

- Well, we're mighty glad we did,

even if it was a bit close.

The fact is, that we got here in time.

- Well you wouldn't have,

not if it hadn't been for those two brave troopers

that you sent down ahead.

Those men gave up their lives, so that we could,

so that we could live.

The bandits must have taken them.

- Ma'am, those men weren't exactly

what you thought they were.

- Captain, I'm in charge here.

I'll handle this.

And whom might you be, ma'am?

- I'm Amanda Quinn,

Missus Richard Quinn,

from Rancho del Carmen.

And thanks to those two heroic troopers,

Mister Sundro and his young son

were the only friendly casualties that we suffered

during this entire encounter.

Now I know those two good men were gravely wounded.

Perhaps you can go and find them.

- Madame, those two,

those two men were--

- Thaddeus, shut your mouth.

- Yeah!

- I believe that we have the distinct honor

of meeting the beautiful daughter

of our state's great and distinguished Senator,

the Honorable Reuben Carlisle.

Captain, call this mob to order, pronto, right here.

- Sergeant, form a line right here

in front of this porch right now.

You in the car, get out and form a line.

Thaddeus, I expect you

to buy me a new parasol.

Leon, let me down there.

All right, you heard the Captain, two ranks,

civilians in the front, move it.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Push.

Now listen up people.

By the vigorous action you took part in, today,

lives were saved,

and through your courage,

and that of the two scouts that we sent ahead,

lives and the property and honor of the state of Texas,

have been defended.

I am sure there will be honors, and rewards,

for all who participated.

Do you get my meaning?

- You're right, Sheriff.

I say, hang 'em.

- Shut up, Pike.

The rescue party from Matterhorn

will be in every newspaper in the nation, with pictures.

The legislature and Congress will bestow honor,

upon honor, hell there may even be a parade.

And as for you soldiers,

there will be advancement, advancement for all.

- Ben?

- What, Booger?

- I really can't swim.

- Well you'd better hold on.

Here come the rapids.

Easy Booger.

Hold on Booger!

Hold it, Booger!

- Read all about it folks, in the Houston Post,

Texarkana hatchet murders,

more on the border troubles.

Bandits invade Texas, National Guard called up.

Read all about it.

That'll be a nickel, mister.

- Give the man a nickel.

Will you give the man a nickel?

- How come I always have to be the one

to give the man a nickel?

There.

- Thank you.

Border trouble, National Guard called up.

Read all about it.

Read all about it in the Houston Post.

- Good God almighty Booger.

They're still lookin' for us!

- You're damn right they're looking for us.

If you don't keep your mouth shut,

they're gonna find us, too.

- No I mean it's all here in the paper, the whole thing.

Look here.

"The Andrew Carnegie Foundation has added to the reward,

"now totally 5,000 dollars,

"in hopes the two brave cavalry troopers,

"who stood off overwhelming odds can be found."

- Read some more.

- "Through their noble sacrifice,

"the lives of five people were saved.”

By God Booger, that's us and that's our reward.

- Yeah, that's our reward.

Yeah they want us all right, dead or alive.

Hell Ben, that's just a trap.

- I guess you know more than the paper, huh?

Listen, "Brewster County Sheriff John Catledge

"gave this account of the events.

"It is still not known whether the two

as yet unidentified soldiers survived the battle.

"Their bodies were never found."

- That's us?

- I know that if you'll hush.

"No one has come forward to claim the honors

"and the sizable reward.

"It's one of the great mysteries of modern times,

"according to Missus Richard Quinn's daughter

"of the influential Senator Reuben Carlisle,

"and survivor of the now-famous Battle of Sudro Springs.”

By God Booger, we're rich, we're going back.

- Tickets, tickets please.

Could I have your tickets please?

- Well, what'd you do with our tickets?

- Oh the tickets?

Yeah, I got 'em right here, just a minute.

I ain't got 'em.

You must have 'em.

- Oh, they must up in the baggage car in our duffle bags.

We're travelin' military convalescence passes.

Show him your dog tags Booger.

- That's very interesting.

But I'm afraid I'll still have to have your tickets.

- Well I didn't mean to misplace 'em.

Kind of slipped my mind.

It's just old war wounds, you know.

We was wounded in the same battle.

- Oh, is that right?

- Folks have taken to callin' it

the Battle of Sudro Springs.

- Is that a fact?

- Maybe you read about it in the paper?

- No, I didn't read about that.

- You didn't?

- We're only going as far as New Orleans.

We got a boat to catch.

Hey, when we get off and get our duffle bags,

we'll show you our tickets then.

You'll still be on board, won't you?

- Yes, I'll still be on board.

Booger!

- Well, you've done it again.

- You all right?

- Yeah, but I'll tell you one thing,

that widow woman was half-ready to swoop up on me.

Now that'd be the life,

and I got a good mind to go back, collect that reward money,

and the widow woman.

- Hold on there Ben, I'll tell you what.

If you go back, well you're goin' all by yourself,

because I ain't a goin'.

That dog won't hunt, and you know it.

First of all, I ain't got me no widow woman,

and second of all, you'd wind up in jail, bigger'n hell.

And third of all,

I wouldn't have me no partner.

And besides that, things ain't so bad.

I mean there's all the travelin',

and you said yourself there's a whole bunch of country

out there for a man to see.

- By God, you owe me one.

All right, partner,

I owe you one.

How about Florida, Ben?

Or maybe even Cuba.

Or the Caribbean Islands,

I mean they don't know anything

about our criminal past down there,

and we could probably get jobs.

I'm talkin' about a real job, Ben.

Have you ever had a real job?

They got cattle down there?

You know anything about cattle, Ben?