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C-SPAN 5 now takes you
to testimony
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00:00:11,408 --> 00:00:14,243
before the Joint Committee
on Terrible Events.
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00:00:17,672 --> 00:00:20,432
The Chair recognizes the woman
with the four-foot beehive.
4
00:00:20,434 --> 00:00:22,860
Please state your name
and occupation.
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00:00:22,936 --> 00:00:25,195
Marjorie Bouvier Simpson.
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00:00:25,272 --> 00:00:27,180
Mother to three children
7
00:00:27,182 --> 00:00:28,681
and a husband.
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00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:31,684
She's raising us all on her own.
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00:00:34,356 --> 00:00:36,189
Mrs. Simpson,
please walk us through
10
00:00:36,267 --> 00:00:38,600
the events of March 12.
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00:00:38,602 --> 00:00:41,620
Well, it all started
with what was supposed to be
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00:00:41,696 --> 00:00:43,380
a happy family trip.
13
00:00:43,457 --> 00:00:47,718
The Simpsons are going
to Pile Ridge, Louisiana.
14
00:00:47,795 --> 00:00:50,462
The trip is already ruined.
15
00:00:50,539 --> 00:00:52,222
What is this gunk?
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00:00:52,299 --> 00:00:54,892
That's my lentil soup.
17
00:00:55,043 --> 00:00:56,560
Lisa!
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00:00:56,562 --> 00:00:58,620
Well, what else
am I supposed to eat
19
00:00:58,622 --> 00:01:02,124
at your family's
barbaric pig butchery?
20
00:01:02,126 --> 00:01:04,234
It's boucherie.
21
00:01:04,236 --> 00:01:06,628
It's a cherished
Bouvier tradition
22
00:01:06,630 --> 00:01:08,888
that reunites
our extended family
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00:01:08,966 --> 00:01:11,891
and celebrates our Cajun roots.
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00:01:11,969 --> 00:01:13,243
And they shoot the pig
in the head,
25
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,971
John Wick-style. Look.
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00:01:15,973 --> 00:01:17,864
Stop, it's horrifying.
27
00:01:17,899 --> 00:01:20,809
Delicious.
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Horrifying!
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00:01:24,331 --> 00:01:26,498
Mr. Simpson, as I understand it,
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00:01:26,575 --> 00:01:30,577
you were enticed by the thought
of enjoying savory meats,
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00:01:30,596 --> 00:01:34,323
but repulsed by the appearance
of your wife's family.
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00:01:34,325 --> 00:01:36,825
Yes, Senator,
I cannot perjure myself.
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00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:38,936
They are barf in human form.
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00:01:38,938 --> 00:01:40,270
I reclaim my time.
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00:01:40,272 --> 00:01:43,098
Traveling brings out
Homer's worst qualities.
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00:01:44,501 --> 00:01:48,670
All the seats are taken by
jerks and their bags.
37
00:01:48,672 --> 00:01:50,872
Maybe we can sit in there.
38
00:01:50,874 --> 00:01:52,199
That looks comfy.
39
00:01:53,935 --> 00:01:55,935
Squirt em' if you got em'.
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00:01:57,939 --> 00:02:00,607
Your hoops are quivering.
Calm down.
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00:02:00,609 --> 00:02:03,776
Active-duty TV clowns.
42
00:02:06,357 --> 00:02:08,781
Some sober companion you are.
43
00:02:08,783 --> 00:02:10,375
I'm only
three hours out of rehab
44
00:02:10,452 --> 00:02:12,302
and I can smell
the booze on you.
45
00:02:12,304 --> 00:02:14,454
You mean my hand sanitizer?
46
00:02:14,531 --> 00:02:16,598
Ooh, Daddy want!
47
00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:20,218
Mrs. Simpson, we're overbooked.
48
00:02:20,295 --> 00:02:21,794
Your seats are
no longer together.
49
00:02:21,872 --> 00:02:23,038
This is bull!
50
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,540
I demand to speak
to Sully Sullenberger!
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00:02:25,542 --> 00:02:26,984
Homer, stop it.
52
00:02:27,060 --> 00:02:30,045
You always do this.
You'll get us banned.
53
00:02:30,047 --> 00:02:32,639
So? We'll take
our business elsewh...
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00:02:33,884 --> 00:02:35,975
There is no elsewhere.
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00:02:36,053 --> 00:02:37,886
Because of your past behavior,
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00:02:37,888 --> 00:02:39,496
you're on the No Fly List
57
00:02:39,573 --> 00:02:42,557
of every other airline
in the country.
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00:02:42,559 --> 00:02:43,876
Even Spirit.
59
00:02:43,878 --> 00:02:45,669
Try it again.
60
00:02:49,233 --> 00:02:52,584
So, unless you want
all our future vacations
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00:02:52,736 --> 00:02:55,921
to be at my mother's house,
talking her into hospice,
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00:02:56,073 --> 00:02:59,424
you will hold it together
on this flight.
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00:02:59,426 --> 00:03:01,834
I promise, Marge.
I won't let you down.
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00:03:01,854 --> 00:03:03,412
I do have some good news.
65
00:03:03,430 --> 00:03:06,264
We have one free upgrade
for a seat in first class.
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00:03:06,266 --> 00:03:09,100
Ooh, I bet I'd really
keep my promise to behave
67
00:03:09,177 --> 00:03:11,937
if I'm in
that spacious lie-flat pod.
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00:03:11,939 --> 00:03:13,605
Well, you'll never know.
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00:03:13,682 --> 00:03:15,115
Yoink.
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00:03:18,612 --> 00:03:21,688
Sweetie,
first class is this way.
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00:03:21,765 --> 00:03:22,781
Welcome.
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00:03:22,933 --> 00:03:23,932
My God.
73
00:03:23,934 --> 00:03:25,283
I'm turning left.
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00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,786
I didn't know planes had a left.
75
00:03:28,923 --> 00:03:30,547
Ooh.
76
00:03:36,889 --> 00:03:39,631
The seat is so plush and comfy.
77
00:03:39,633 --> 00:03:41,040
May I get you anything?
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00:03:41,118 --> 00:03:42,726
I want everything.
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00:03:42,803 --> 00:03:45,211
The whole
first class experience.
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00:03:45,289 --> 00:03:48,881
Cold bubbly,
warm nuts, hot towel...
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00:03:48,959 --> 00:03:51,142
all the temperatures!
82
00:03:51,144 --> 00:03:54,463
Let's start you out with
a complimentary Moet mimosa
83
00:03:54,465 --> 00:03:56,465
with extra zest and a little...
84
00:04:03,732 --> 00:04:05,474
Okay, Homer, you can do this.
85
00:04:05,476 --> 00:04:08,143
Have a pleasant flight
for Marge.
86
00:04:09,237 --> 00:04:10,645
- My head!
- Watch it!
87
00:04:11,906 --> 00:04:12,998
God, don't let this slob
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00:04:13,074 --> 00:04:14,407
be next to me.
89
00:04:14,485 --> 00:04:15,759
God, don't let this slob
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00:04:15,910 --> 00:04:17,335
be next to me.
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00:04:18,672 --> 00:04:19,912
Good morning, everyone.
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00:04:19,990 --> 00:04:21,006
My name is Joel,
93
00:04:21,082 --> 00:04:24,009
and I'll be
your "wingman" today.
94
00:04:25,496 --> 00:04:26,937
Thank you.
95
00:04:26,939 --> 00:04:30,107
Federal law
prohibits smoking of any kind,
96
00:04:30,183 --> 00:04:33,092
unless, like me,
you're smokin' hot.
97
00:04:36,023 --> 00:04:37,781
Great.
98
00:04:37,858 --> 00:04:40,117
Forced comedy
at 9:00 in the morning.
99
00:04:41,361 --> 00:04:43,787
Now, Maggie,
screens turn brains to mush.
100
00:04:43,938 --> 00:04:46,290
That's why Bart has to
take ESL classes.
101
00:04:46,366 --> 00:04:48,959
I'll parent you
how I wanted to be parented,
102
00:04:49,036 --> 00:04:51,870
and sibling you
how I wanted to be sibbled,
103
00:04:51,946 --> 00:04:55,948
with my Jazz Legends
A-to-Z flashcards.
104
00:04:56,026 --> 00:04:57,784
Cannonball Adderley.
105
00:04:57,861 --> 00:05:00,637
He was more hard bop then bebop.
106
00:05:00,639 --> 00:05:02,213
Okay, movie fans, it's time for
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00:05:02,366 --> 00:05:04,699
everybody's favorite
in-flight flick,
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00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:06,125
the safety demo.
109
00:05:06,203 --> 00:05:08,645
Remember this come Oscar time.
110
00:05:10,965 --> 00:05:13,041
Good thing I've got
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00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:16,211
my annoyance-canceling
headphones.
112
00:05:16,213 --> 00:05:19,305
Ooh, we are really
packed in here, aren't we?
113
00:05:19,383 --> 00:05:22,400
Something is very wrong
with this plane.
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00:05:22,477 --> 00:05:24,143
This is a trap!
115
00:05:24,221 --> 00:05:25,904
It's a conspiracy
to take us down!
116
00:05:25,906 --> 00:05:27,313
Get out of here!
117
00:05:27,391 --> 00:05:28,907
They're experimenting on us!
118
00:05:28,909 --> 00:05:31,409
I won't be a rat
in your flying cage!
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00:05:31,486 --> 00:05:35,063
A seat for my second cheek.
120
00:05:35,065 --> 00:05:36,398
Yo, travel trolls.
121
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,400
A crazy lady just
got kicked off the plane
122
00:05:38,418 --> 00:05:41,327
so I jump-squatted
a sweet aisle seat.
123
00:05:41,329 --> 00:05:44,348
Give my 40,000 followers
a moan, bald dude.
124
00:05:44,424 --> 00:05:46,332
D'
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00:05:54,251 --> 00:05:55,609
Toenail clipper?
126
00:05:56,678 --> 00:05:57,736
Sardine eater?
127
00:05:58,772 --> 00:06:01,089
Disgusto-flossers?
128
00:06:01,091 --> 00:06:02,591
Hiya!
129
00:06:02,593 --> 00:06:04,517
Karate children?
130
00:06:04,595 --> 00:06:08,096
Marge, I'm trying
to hold it together,
131
00:06:08,098 --> 00:06:10,448
just like I promised.
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00:06:15,772 --> 00:06:18,273
But it seems like
this plane is filled with
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00:06:18,275 --> 00:06:21,551
all the worst flyers
in the world.
134
00:06:21,553 --> 00:06:23,128
Well, his text was correct,
senator.
135
00:06:23,204 --> 00:06:26,056
Our airline serves
the fastest-growing demographic
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00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:28,950
the criminally obnoxious.
137
00:06:28,952 --> 00:06:30,227
At Convenience Airways,
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00:06:30,303 --> 00:06:33,488
we fly the No Fly List.
139
00:06:42,149 --> 00:06:44,056
Mr. Wingspan...
if that is your funny name...
140
00:06:44,134 --> 00:06:45,634
you mean to tell us
141
00:06:45,636 --> 00:06:49,137
that you filled an entire plane
with obnoxious people
142
00:06:49,139 --> 00:06:50,914
who were banned
from other airlines?
143
00:06:51,065 --> 00:06:54,809
Yes. Our business model
is to cater to C.I.F.s:
144
00:06:54,811 --> 00:06:57,236
"Civility Impaired Fliers."
145
00:06:57,314 --> 00:06:59,238
- Hiya!
- Control your team!
146
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:02,426
Violence is a form of control.
147
00:07:02,577 --> 00:07:04,970
Yes, Sensei. Hiya!
148
00:07:05,931 --> 00:07:07,822
This was our inaugural flight,
149
00:07:07,824 --> 00:07:10,659
testing if the innovative
precautions we had taken
150
00:07:10,661 --> 00:07:15,847
were enough to safely transport
the rudest of the rude.
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00:07:15,924 --> 00:07:16,848
Like this man.
152
00:07:16,850 --> 00:07:18,667
Aw, come on.
153
00:07:18,669 --> 00:07:21,761
You choke out one guy
with a seat belt extender
154
00:07:21,838 --> 00:07:23,095
and you're labeled for life.
155
00:07:23,173 --> 00:07:24,689
But on this flight,
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00:07:24,766 --> 00:07:26,858
I promised Marge I would behave,
157
00:07:26,935 --> 00:07:28,618
and I really tried.
158
00:07:28,695 --> 00:07:30,102
It was torture.
159
00:07:30,104 --> 00:07:31,455
Torture!
160
00:07:32,849 --> 00:07:35,625
Who would do such a thing
to Patrick Wilson?
161
00:07:35,777 --> 00:07:38,003
Eyes on your own screen.
162
00:07:40,448 --> 00:07:42,281
And, no, you may not have any of
163
00:07:42,359 --> 00:07:44,693
my triad of expired
Christmas delights.
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00:07:44,695 --> 00:07:46,136
Cheese.
165
00:07:46,213 --> 00:07:48,472
Butter, caramel...
166
00:07:52,644 --> 00:07:54,961
And now,
the shower of champions.
167
00:07:55,038 --> 00:07:56,354
Huzzah.
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00:07:59,801 --> 00:08:02,060
Come on.
169
00:08:02,136 --> 00:08:03,487
Excuse me.
170
00:08:03,489 --> 00:08:06,231
I promised my wife
I wouldn't fight or yell
171
00:08:06,383 --> 00:08:08,383
or pee anywhere
other than the bathroom,
172
00:08:08,385 --> 00:08:12,311
but this guy next to me
is making it really hard.
173
00:08:12,331 --> 00:08:13,738
What guy?
174
00:08:13,815 --> 00:08:15,724
The Comic Book Guy guy.
175
00:08:15,726 --> 00:08:17,742
He just disappeared.
176
00:08:17,744 --> 00:08:21,563
Well, it looks like the problem
took care of itself.
177
00:08:21,565 --> 00:08:23,565
That is so weird.
178
00:08:23,567 --> 00:08:26,234
Hey, guys,
you asked for it, I'm doing it.
179
00:08:26,236 --> 00:08:29,754
The bathroom sink
shrimp scampi challenge.
180
00:08:31,258 --> 00:08:34,726
Marge, I'm barely holding it
together back here.
181
00:08:34,761 --> 00:08:38,930
Please text me back
some sweet words of comfort.
182
00:08:44,938 --> 00:08:47,113
Hey, hey...
183
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,051
- Huzzah...
- Hey, hey...
184
00:08:51,127 --> 00:08:52,994
Zounds...
185
00:08:58,935 --> 00:09:00,952
needs tonic.
186
00:09:05,700 --> 00:09:07,467
Die, die, die!
187
00:09:08,612 --> 00:09:10,703
No, don't die!
188
00:09:10,705 --> 00:09:12,204
They're all dead.
189
00:09:12,282 --> 00:09:14,349
I need to play something.
190
00:09:17,287 --> 00:09:19,045
I'm winning. I'm winning.
191
00:09:19,122 --> 00:09:20,564
Just a reminder, folks,
192
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,474
the call button
is only for real emergencies,
193
00:09:23,551 --> 00:09:26,644
like if you're down to
your last guess on Wordle.
194
00:09:28,815 --> 00:09:31,482
I have a real emergency.
195
00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:32,967
Your jokes suck.
196
00:09:35,914 --> 00:09:37,747
"S" is for Sun Ra.
197
00:09:37,749 --> 00:09:39,065
He's a little abstract,
198
00:09:39,142 --> 00:09:42,327
but when you get it,
you'll really get it.
199
00:09:42,403 --> 00:09:44,145
Dig this.
200
00:09:50,078 --> 00:09:52,503
Somebody shut that brat up!
201
00:09:52,622 --> 00:09:53,763
That's my brat.
202
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:54,989
Stop judging her!
203
00:09:54,991 --> 00:09:56,341
I don't know what to do.
204
00:09:56,493 --> 00:09:59,585
I've been turning the jazz up
as loud as I can,
205
00:09:59,605 --> 00:10:01,438
but it's not soothing her.
206
00:10:01,514 --> 00:10:03,756
Is this an airline or a nursery?
207
00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:05,683
Mustn't punch the jerk.
208
00:10:05,685 --> 00:10:06,926
Mustn't punch the jerk.
209
00:10:07,003 --> 00:10:09,762
It's so loud,
I can barely hear myself
210
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,931
feel up my mistress
under this blanket.
211
00:10:12,008 --> 00:10:13,783
Okay, gang, we're about to start
212
00:10:13,860 --> 00:10:16,010
our beverage and snack service.
213
00:10:16,012 --> 00:10:17,362
If you feel like a pretzel,
214
00:10:17,438 --> 00:10:18,955
that means
the guy in front of you
215
00:10:19,032 --> 00:10:21,791
has his seat all the way back.
216
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,703
Just because
it sounds like a joke
217
00:10:25,780 --> 00:10:27,038
doesn't mean it is one.
218
00:10:29,951 --> 00:10:31,450
Come back in ten years, kid.
219
00:10:31,528 --> 00:10:34,545
I got voicemails
older than you. Ha!
220
00:10:36,958 --> 00:10:40,368
And now it's time
for your headliner. Me!
221
00:10:40,370 --> 00:10:42,312
This guy's jokes suck so hard,
222
00:10:42,314 --> 00:10:44,222
we're about to lose
cabin pressure.
223
00:10:46,968 --> 00:10:49,227
Okay, okay.
People, don't encourage him!
224
00:10:49,303 --> 00:10:51,821
is what Joel's guidance
counselor told his parents.
225
00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:56,201
Give me that.
226
00:10:57,737 --> 00:10:59,220
This is your
227
00:10:59,222 --> 00:11:01,222
unfunny flight attendant Joel
speaking.
228
00:11:01,224 --> 00:11:03,908
Here are some more
of my terrible jokes.
229
00:11:16,515 --> 00:11:19,073
Left forward lavatory.
230
00:11:19,075 --> 00:11:20,684
Ay, caramba!
231
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:24,429
Okay, so Daddy doesn't get
into a fistfight,
232
00:11:24,505 --> 00:11:26,931
we're going to take
a little walk.
233
00:11:28,176 --> 00:11:30,694
Dad, I figured out
what's gonna calm Maggie.
234
00:11:30,696 --> 00:11:34,422
Improvisations in the style
of pre-heroin Coltrane.
235
00:11:43,934 --> 00:11:46,042
Mama!
236
00:11:46,044 --> 00:11:48,603
No, no, we can't bother Mommy...
237
00:11:48,605 --> 00:11:51,197
or she'll leave us all
for good.
238
00:11:54,202 --> 00:11:56,702
Hey, champ, I lost $50,000
239
00:11:56,780 --> 00:11:59,889
on your pay-per-view fight
against Vanilla Ice.
240
00:11:59,966 --> 00:12:01,373
You owe me!
241
00:12:01,451 --> 00:12:06,287
Come on, champ,
I'm talking to you, champ.
242
00:12:06,289 --> 00:12:08,139
No, my Chekhov's gin.
243
00:12:13,572 --> 00:12:16,555
Nobody licks me but my tiger.
244
00:12:18,134 --> 00:12:21,077
That baby's
a lap-sitting freeloader.
245
00:12:21,154 --> 00:12:24,322
I am sorry you have
to put up with that guy.
246
00:12:24,398 --> 00:12:26,157
We're all just doing our best.
247
00:12:26,234 --> 00:12:30,328
Yeah. Parents don't get to go
into airplane mode, do we?
248
00:12:30,404 --> 00:12:33,405
Thank God. Two sensible people.
249
00:12:34,985 --> 00:12:37,485
Wylder, it's time.
250
00:12:40,824 --> 00:12:42,173
No... No, no, no.
251
00:12:42,325 --> 00:12:45,435
Our little guy is on a strict
potty training schedule.
252
00:12:51,668 --> 00:12:53,401
Whoo-hoo!
253
00:12:54,838 --> 00:12:56,262
No hoo!
254
00:12:56,339 --> 00:12:58,281
Um, do you guys have
any diapers?
255
00:12:58,432 --> 00:13:00,525
We don't use the "D" word.
256
00:13:00,601 --> 00:13:01,843
Boy.
257
00:13:01,845 --> 00:13:04,512
- Deal with your biohazard!
- Change that baby!
258
00:13:04,514 --> 00:13:06,122
- What's wrong with you?
- Come on!
259
00:13:06,199 --> 00:13:08,124
That's not a baby,
that's a hate crime.
260
00:13:08,126 --> 00:13:10,351
Lisa, where's the diaper bag?
261
00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:11,519
I don't have it.
262
00:13:11,521 --> 00:13:14,297
Why don't you ask
your girlfriend, Maggie?
263
00:13:14,299 --> 00:13:16,782
Maggie's not my girlfriend,
Marge is.
264
00:13:16,860 --> 00:13:17,950
That's it.
265
00:13:18,028 --> 00:13:20,094
Marge has it.
266
00:13:24,884 --> 00:13:26,476
There's the bag.
267
00:13:26,553 --> 00:13:28,553
Maggie, crawl through
the clown fight.
268
00:13:32,651 --> 00:13:34,542
Don't kill him, champ.
269
00:13:34,544 --> 00:13:36,544
My pension is almost vested.
270
00:13:43,144 --> 00:13:46,162
Okay, Maggie, to the bathroom.
271
00:13:58,902 --> 00:14:00,343
We made it.
272
00:14:01,179 --> 00:14:03,096
Toilet Chef.
273
00:14:05,833 --> 00:14:07,433
In-laws!
274
00:14:08,502 --> 00:14:11,521
Care to join
our Mile-High Book Club?
275
00:14:11,598 --> 00:14:13,356
Readers!
276
00:14:16,419 --> 00:14:17,768
SunChips. Give me, give me.
277
00:14:27,855 --> 00:14:30,331
What the...?
278
00:14:32,952 --> 00:14:34,544
Where is everybody?
279
00:14:34,621 --> 00:14:37,438
Please calmly return
to your seat, sir.
280
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,790
What did you do with all
the horrible people I hate?
281
00:14:39,867 --> 00:14:41,050
Tell me what's going on.
282
00:14:41,202 --> 00:14:42,868
Or I'll seatbelt you good.
283
00:14:42,946 --> 00:14:45,279
And why don't they make
the whole plane out of the...
284
00:14:45,298 --> 00:14:48,116
black box material...?
285
00:14:48,134 --> 00:14:49,467
This is your captain speaking.
286
00:14:49,619 --> 00:14:51,819
If you look to your left,
you will see
287
00:14:51,821 --> 00:14:53,563
the magnificent Grand Canyon.
288
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:58,626
Unless you're one of the 246
unruly souls who've been
289
00:14:58,628 --> 00:15:02,906
trap-doored into our
complimentary in-flight prison.
290
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:17,645
Trapdoors that lead to a prison?
Since when?
291
00:15:17,647 --> 00:15:20,982
What monster could conceive
of something this horrible?
292
00:15:20,984 --> 00:15:22,425
BurnsCo.
293
00:15:22,502 --> 00:15:26,003
Proudly installing trapdoor
dungeon drops since 1926.
294
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,822
Is there anything
more satisfying
295
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,992
than a scream of terror
followed by a distant thud?
296
00:15:30,994 --> 00:15:32,936
Mr. Wingspan, this is America.
297
00:15:32,938 --> 00:15:35,104
When we violate
people's civil liberties,
298
00:15:35,181 --> 00:15:38,182
we usually give them a heads-up,
drop pamphlets,
299
00:15:38,259 --> 00:15:40,592
send a cruise missile,
something.
300
00:15:40,670 --> 00:15:44,338
Senator, I assure you,
we did warn the passengers
301
00:15:44,340 --> 00:15:47,283
of the potential consequences
of their actions.
302
00:15:47,435 --> 00:15:49,786
It's all in the safety video.
303
00:15:49,862 --> 00:15:51,937
But nobody watches those things.
304
00:15:56,610 --> 00:15:58,444
Should you choose to be unruly,
305
00:15:58,446 --> 00:16:02,131
you'll be trap-doored into
our belly-of-the-plane prison.
306
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:04,616
If your behavior is too extreme,
307
00:16:04,694 --> 00:16:06,970
a ball gag will fall
from the ceiling.
308
00:16:07,046 --> 00:16:09,121
Please affix your own
ball gag first
309
00:16:09,123 --> 00:16:11,975
before ball-gagging your child.
310
00:16:12,051 --> 00:16:13,792
See? I was right.
311
00:16:13,870 --> 00:16:16,462
I tried to warn you,
but you all thought I was crazy.
312
00:16:16,539 --> 00:16:19,874
Not to criticize,
but maybe it's your tone?
313
00:16:19,892 --> 00:16:21,709
My tone is fine!
314
00:16:24,305 --> 00:16:26,731
And that concludes
your beverage service.
315
00:16:28,735 --> 00:16:30,642
He's pretty funny.
316
00:16:30,644 --> 00:16:32,720
No, he's not, he sucks.
317
00:16:32,739 --> 00:16:34,113
Take that!
318
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:37,892
They can't do this to us!
319
00:16:37,894 --> 00:16:41,170
Buying a ticket gives us
the right to do what we want.
320
00:16:41,322 --> 00:16:43,655
There's no law in the sky.
321
00:16:43,733 --> 00:16:45,583
I say we bust out.
322
00:16:45,659 --> 00:16:46,917
Who's with me?
323
00:16:49,239 --> 00:16:51,830
We'll need
every available weapon.
324
00:16:51,908 --> 00:16:54,684
I got toenail clippers.
And some pretty sharp toenails.
325
00:16:54,761 --> 00:16:58,479
I got an airsick bag
of hot bathroom shrimp.
326
00:17:00,099 --> 00:17:01,749
My darling Marge.
327
00:17:01,751 --> 00:17:04,602
I am writing you from the cusp
of yet another prison riot.
328
00:17:04,604 --> 00:17:07,030
If I die in this heroic
escape attempt,
329
00:17:07,032 --> 00:17:08,756
remember me
as a blameless victim.
330
00:17:08,758 --> 00:17:12,351
One who got caught up
in the coach-to-prison pipeline.
331
00:17:12,353 --> 00:17:14,762
BTW, lost Maggie,
hope she's with you.
332
00:17:14,764 --> 00:17:17,189
Lots going on. Shrug emoji.
333
00:17:28,369 --> 00:17:30,536
Marge is writing me back.
334
00:17:30,613 --> 00:17:32,704
Stop? Stop what?
335
00:17:32,724 --> 00:17:35,224
Wine, wine, wine?
336
00:17:35,301 --> 00:17:37,468
Do you want me to stop whining?
337
00:17:39,547 --> 00:17:41,472
Bee. Man.
338
00:17:41,474 --> 00:17:43,124
Be a man?
339
00:17:43,126 --> 00:17:44,959
X. Lobster.
340
00:17:44,961 --> 00:17:47,128
Don't be shellfish?
341
00:17:47,146 --> 00:17:50,722
My God, I am always
thinking of my shelf.
342
00:17:50,724 --> 00:17:52,891
Window seat.
343
00:17:52,969 --> 00:17:56,304
Window seat. Window seat.
344
00:17:56,306 --> 00:17:58,564
No! This revolt is wrong.
345
00:17:58,641 --> 00:18:00,899
I know this because my wife
just spoke to me
346
00:18:00,977 --> 00:18:04,069
in a series of direct
and unambiguous emojis.
347
00:18:04,071 --> 00:18:07,164
Let us not be pigs. Or mules.
348
00:18:07,241 --> 00:18:09,408
Or a mermaid with a fax machine.
349
00:18:09,485 --> 00:18:11,577
Sure, we have to put up
with baggage fees,
350
00:18:11,654 --> 00:18:16,490
no leg room, and those
$20 "protein boxes."
351
00:18:16,492 --> 00:18:19,493
But flying is a modern miracle,
352
00:18:19,495 --> 00:18:22,921
and all that's
asked of us in return
353
00:18:22,999 --> 00:18:26,834
is basic human decency.
354
00:18:28,762 --> 00:18:31,948
I could be more patient
with kids and babies.
355
00:18:32,024 --> 00:18:34,692
After all,
I am a preschool teacher.
356
00:18:34,694 --> 00:18:38,028
I'm sorry I savagely beat your
husband with your hair bone.
357
00:18:38,105 --> 00:18:40,939
He's not my...
358
00:18:40,959 --> 00:18:42,941
Forget it.
359
00:18:43,019 --> 00:18:44,776
So to quote my wife,
360
00:18:44,854 --> 00:18:47,296
we have to start
acting civilized
361
00:18:47,373 --> 00:18:51,375
and stop being
a bunch of huge...
362
00:18:51,452 --> 00:18:53,177
eggplants.
363
00:18:54,697 --> 00:18:56,472
Well, folks,
now that you've exhibited
364
00:18:56,549 --> 00:18:58,141
a modicum of civility,
365
00:18:58,217 --> 00:18:59,976
the handcuff sign has been
turned off.
366
00:19:00,052 --> 00:19:02,461
You are now free to return
to your seats
367
00:19:02,463 --> 00:19:04,205
and work through
the childhood trauma
368
00:19:04,207 --> 00:19:05,964
that led you to behave
like the ugliest
369
00:19:06,042 --> 00:19:08,317
of ugly Americans today.
370
00:19:15,994 --> 00:19:17,476
Excuse me, Mrs. Simpson.
371
00:19:17,553 --> 00:19:19,387
We'll be landing soon,
so we need you
372
00:19:19,389 --> 00:19:21,497
to return your seat
to its upright position.
373
00:19:21,574 --> 00:19:24,483
What? We're landing?
374
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:28,171
I slept through
my first first class?
375
00:19:28,247 --> 00:19:31,916
Yes, but you got the most
perfect flying experience
376
00:19:31,918 --> 00:19:33,584
anyone could ever ask for.
377
00:19:33,586 --> 00:19:36,828
You didn't even know
you were on a plane.
378
00:19:36,830 --> 00:19:38,255
Aw.
379
00:19:38,332 --> 00:19:43,502
And then she gave me the best
cookie of my entire life.
380
00:19:43,579 --> 00:19:45,837
Aw, cookie.
381
00:19:45,915 --> 00:19:49,508
After listening to the 14 hours
of testimony today,
382
00:19:49,527 --> 00:19:52,177
I propose
that Convenience Airways'
383
00:19:52,255 --> 00:19:55,773
radical passenger control system
be approved for use
384
00:19:55,849 --> 00:19:58,275
across the entire
airline industry.
385
00:19:58,352 --> 00:19:59,685
- Hear! Hear!
- Yes.
386
00:19:59,762 --> 00:20:00,686
I agree.
387
00:20:00,763 --> 00:20:02,263
Well, I say, trap-door them all
388
00:20:02,265 --> 00:20:04,598
and let the FAA sort it out.
389
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:05,766
Excellent.
390
00:20:05,768 --> 00:20:07,710
- So ordered.
- Wait.
391
00:20:07,861 --> 00:20:11,121
As the one person who was
not trap-doored on this flight,
392
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,549
I believe I have
the authority to say
393
00:20:13,551 --> 00:20:18,295
that mass in-flight
incarceration is not the answer.
394
00:20:18,372 --> 00:20:20,539
We need thoughtful solutions
395
00:20:20,541 --> 00:20:23,875
to this epidemic of rudeness
and disrespect.
396
00:20:23,953 --> 00:20:25,561
Sure, it's easy to push a button
397
00:20:25,638 --> 00:20:28,380
and drop all your problems
down a trap...
398
00:20:28,382 --> 00:20:30,733
door...!
399
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,238
Honey, are you hurt?
400
00:20:35,314 --> 00:20:38,390
I'm okay. I landed on my hair.
401
00:20:51,572 --> 00:20:54,206
In our Convenience
Airways in-flight prison,
402
00:20:54,241 --> 00:20:56,241
cigarettes are not accepted
as currency.
403
00:20:56,319 --> 00:20:59,578
Preferred method of payment
is sexual favors.
404
00:20:59,580 --> 00:21:00,596
Please do not fashion
405
00:21:00,598 --> 00:21:02,172
the courtesy toothbrush
into a shiv.
406
00:21:02,249 --> 00:21:06,327
Complimentary shivs are
provided upon request.
407
00:21:06,329 --> 00:21:08,437
In the unlikely event
of a water landing,
408
00:21:08,439 --> 00:21:11,607
your cellmate may be used
as a floatation device.
409
00:21:11,759 --> 00:21:13,609
Should you tamper
with your handcuffs,
410
00:21:13,686 --> 00:21:15,927
you will be ejected
from the plane.
411
00:21:16,005 --> 00:21:18,522
Parachutes are available
for purchase on our website.
412
00:21:18,599 --> 00:21:21,358
We know you have no choice
in airplane prisons,
413
00:21:21,435 --> 00:21:24,436
but we appreciate you
being locked up with us.
414
00:21:24,514 --> 00:21:28,249
And don't forget to sign up
for our Frequent Felon Program.
415
00:21:31,354 --> 00:21:33,296
Shh!
416
00:21:33,376 --> 00:21:35,376
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