All language subtitles for The.Hebrew.Hammer.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

- Hey, Mordechai, look,
I dropped a penny.

- Hey, Mordechai, want a bagel?

- Hey, Jew nose, save
some oxygen for us.

- Hey, Mordy, my mom says that
if your people don't wise up

and accept Jesus Christ
as your lord and savior,

you're all gonna burn in hell.

- Hey, everybody, look
what Mordechai got.

Nice spinning top, Mordy.

- Now, now, class,

let's not make fun of
Mordechai's spinning top.

We all need to learn the
importance of tolerance

and understanding.

Isn't that right, Mordechai?

- Yes, Mrs. Highsmith.

- So, class, in honor of
Mordechai's special day,

I'd like for all of you
to wish Mordy a heartfelt

merry Chanewka day seven!

Happy Chanewka day.

- That was very good, class.

I hope you've all learned a
very important lesson today.

Just because Mordechai's
people are different from us,

and just because they
may appear strange to us

with their furry hat, beady
eyes, and long sideburns,

not to mention their
bizarre customs,

and unnecessarily guttural
funny-sounding names,

just because they control
all of the world's money,

yet they are too cheap to buy
their children anything better

than spinning tops for presents,

does not mean that
we can't learn

to love and respect
them as our equals.

Happy Chanewyaka
day seven, Mordy.

* Silent night *

* Holy night *

* All is calm *

* All is bright *

* Round yon Virgin,
Mother and Child *

* Holy infant so
tender and mild *

* Sleep in heavenly peace *

* Sleep in heavenly peace *

* Who's the certified
circumcised dick *

* That's a sex machine
to all the chicks *

* Hammer *

* Amen *

* He's just trying
to do some good *

* Helping brothers in the hood *

* Hammer *

* Right on *

- Yo, Hammer.

- Happy Hanukkah, maccabee.

Thanks, Hammer!

- Hammer, why don't you
come eat by us for Shabbat?

My Miriam is all grown up now.

God willing, you should
settle down and marry.

- Yeah, well, hey, thanks
for the offer, Mrs. Kleinman.

But right now, G-dash-d
is the only one for me.

- I can dig it!

Hammer, you're the baddest
Heeb this side of Tel Aviv!

- Shabbat Shalom, mama.

* Who's the kike
that won't cop out *

* When there's
gentiles all about *

* Hammer *

* All right *

* Can you dig it *

* He's a complicated Jew *

* But no one understands
him but his mother *

- Give it back,
give me my Yarmulke!

- It's a frisbee!

We were gonna give it
back. I swear to God.

- You take God's name in vain?

- No.

- I didn't think so.

- It's not like that.

- What's it like?

- We were just about to...

- Leave.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right,
we were just about to leave.

- Come on, Teddy.

- You all right, Shlomo?

- I guess.

Sometimes I wonder why I even
bother praying to one God.

- Hey, hey, you listen
to me, all right?

You be proud of you who are.

You're a bad, bold,
big-nosed biblical brother.

You feeling me?

- Yeah.

- All right.

Hevenu Shalom Aleichem,
little brother.

- Thanks, Hammer.

- Oh, and Shlomo, stay Jewish.

Happy Hanukkah, Tikva.

- Happy Hanukkah, Mordy.

- What's shaking, yenta?

- Well, for starters,
your mother called.

She said to remind you
you're having Shabbat dinner

by her tomorrow.

And to remind you to
bring the Manischewitz.

And she wanted me to relate

the following
information to you.

- And what's the info?

- She said to remind you
you're having Shabbat dinner

by her tomorrow,

and to remind you to
bring the Manischewitz.

- Keep up the good work.
I'll be in my office.

- I wanna start by
thanking all of you

for pulling yourselves
away from the workshop

to make this emergency meeting.

I know this is the busiest time
of the year for all of you,

so I will try and be brief.

My father, often referred
to as St. Nick the Nasty,

was a tyrannical man.

He was obsessed with making
Christmas the only holiday

that anyone could celebrate
before the new year.

Since his death,
I've prided myself

on ensuring that the Christmas
season is one of tolerance

and understanding between
all races and religions.

- Bullshit.

- Lights, please.

- Christ.

- Over the course of my
career as Santa Claus,

I've made it my mission
to ensure that Jews,

Christians, and
African-Americans

could all observe their
holidays in harmony.

I was the one who pushed.

I said, I was
responsible for pushing

the happy holidays ordinance.

- Yeah, push this.

- In which all Merry
Christmas signage

was replaced by
the trans-religious

and inoffensive phrase,
"Happy Holidays."

- That's Santa's yule log.

- Which is why, upon
examination of my annual,

naughty and nice list,
it shocked me to discover

that my own son, Damien,
the heir to the red suit,

could be so filled with hate.

Damien, when I learned
of your ludicrous scheme

to wipe out Hanukkah,

my first reaction
was one of disgust.

Now I'm only filled with
sadness and disappointment.

Disappointed that I
failed to teach you

the true meaning of Christmas.

Damien, what do you have
to say for yourself?

- Oh, fuck it.

- Ouch!

- There we go.

What?

What are you little
fucking midgets looking at?

I'm Santa now!

So get back to work,
you little bitches.

We have a little something
called Chanukah to destroy.

Up!

- Gentlemen?

- I'm a denigrator.
You're a denigrator.

Yet you can't handle
the denigration.

- Gentlemen, please.

Sheket, bevakashah!

Sheket, bevakashah!

Sheket.

- Time to make a plan of action.

We predict that the
St. Nick's day massacre

will set back Hanukkah-Christmas
relations 100 years.

With this new meshuggeneh
Santa Claus in power,

Hanukkah itself is in jeopardy.

The first order of business
is to put into motion a plan

to create goodwill for the
entire Jewish community.

Mr. Chairman of the Worldwide
Jewish Media Conspiracy.

- Yes, chief.

- We need your guys to
crank out a couple more

of those award-winning
holocaust documentaries

and maybe a new
Adam Sandler movie.

- Not another Adam
Sandler movie!

- What's wrong with
Adam Sandler movies?

- You're trying to create
some goodwill here.

I just think--

- Frankly, I don't
care what you think!

I think you're a putz!

- Don't denigrate
me, I'm against that!

- Focus, people!

Second order of business.

We have to put
into place an agent

to track this Santa
Claus's every move.

I mean, a man who is
not afraid to step in

and use force when
it's necessary!

We need a tough
Jew for this one.

You got suggestions, people?

- What about Steven Spielberg?

He made E.T., how tough is that?

- What about Itzhak Perlman?

- He's in a wheelchair,
for crying out loud.

- Alan Greenspan.

- Henry Kissinger.

- Too old.

- Ed Koch!

- Ed Koch, Mr. fancy mayor,
how am I doing? Where is he?

- Robert Shapiro.

- He's a lawyer. We're looking
for heroes here, people!

- David Copperfield.

- What's he gonna
do, Schmendrick?

Make Santa disappear?

Folks, we need a hard-hitting
Heeb on this one!

Come on, think, people, think!

- What about Mordechai
Jefferson Carver?

- The Hebrew Hammer?

No, no!

Nein, no, never, no!

Not after that
incident at the airport

with the Hare Krishna.

This is the only Jew
too radical for the JJL.

There's a reason
why we drummed him

out of our ranks,
Sweetheart, no, no, no.

We need a man who
can follow orders.

We need a man with self-control.

We need a man--

- We need a man who
can get the job done!

- Daddy, he's our only
hope, and you know it.

- The only problem is that
since we kicked him out,

he won't have anything
to do with us.

There's no way to
persuade him to come back.

- Perhaps I can persuade him.

Nice piece of tuchas!

- That is my daughter.

- What?

It was the
day before Hanukkah

when she strolled
into my office.

- Come in.

- Mr. Jefferson Carver?

- Yeah, please,
call me Mordechai.

And shut the door, I've a
terrible cluster headache.

From the way
she carried herself,

I could tell she had been
around the block a few times.

- Sorry I'm late,
traffic was a pisher,

and I've been schlepping
around the block

for 30 minutes
looking for parking.

Oh, the things
I would do to her

if she wasn't a client.

The things I'd do to
her if she was a client.

The things I'd do to her
if I wasn't so flaccid.

I don't understand, this
never happens to me.

- What are you listening to?

It must be too much cream
cheese or something.

Oh, some client notes.

Fuck me, Hammer!

- Who's your Abba?

So what can I do you for?

- My name is Esther.

Chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal

from the Jewish Justice League

desperately needs
to speak with you.

- How is old chief
Bloomenbergensteinenthal?

Is he still shtupping
everything that moves?

- No, his days of
marital infidelity
have long since passed.

Now he just shtups my
mother exclusively.

- Your mother?

- Yeah.

- Oh, whoops.

- Mordechai, Santa's
been rubbed out

by his evil son, Damien.

This man is a demon.

There's no telling what this
anti-semitic psycho Santa

is capable of.

- Look, I'm sorry
to hear about Santa.

He was an old friend,

but my days of working--

- Mr. Hammer.

I'd like to hire you to
put a tail on my husband.

I think my life
may be in danger.

I think he wants to kill me.

- Yeah, look, shiksa, I think
you've got the wrong guy.

I'm the Hebrew Hammer, Mike
Hammer's down the hall.

So Esther, you seem like a...

As I was saying, you
seem like a nice girl,

but I no longer affiliate myself

with that particular
organization of politics.

They were brutal,

and besides, I already
got a full caseload.

Yeah, that's all done
electronically now.

- Why are you
being so difficult?

All my father wants is
to just speak with you.

Look, I hate to cut you off,

but in an hour,
the sun goes down.

And then it's
officially the Sabbath.

And I don't work on the Sabbath.

I'm afraid this is where
we part ways, bubbale.

- I'm not leaving your
side until you agree

to come and speak
with my father.

- Okay.

But I gotta warn you,

I'm having dinner at
my mother's tonight.

If you think I'm difficult,
wait till you meet her.

- Before we leave, there's
just one more thing.

The sign on your door

says that you're a
certified circumcised dick.

Do you mind if I ask to
see your credentials?

- Mordechai!

- Mom!

Shabbat Shalom.

- Okay, I brought
the Manischewitz.

Black label, like you like it.

- I can see.

You also brought a
nice girl to eat by us!

- Hi, I'm--
- Bubbe shayna!

Nice to meet, Whoa.

- Okay, all right, Mom.

Mom.

All right, Mom!

Mom.

That's gotta be jostling.

- So, do you have a name?

- Esther.

- Oh, from the story of purim.

So now that we're acquainted,

let's go sit down and
start the Sabbath.

- I'm stuffed.

- I couldn't eat another
latke if you paid me.

- Everybody ready
for the main course?

- Oh, Mom, Mom,
please, seriously.

We've had four kinds
of chicken already.

I think we've had enough.

- Nonsense, young man.

You'll eat everything
that's in front of you.

After all, the people
are starving in China!

Aren't they, Monchi?

Not until Mordechai
eats everything that's
in front of him!

- So, Esther, how did
you and Mordechai meet?

You know, there's a reason they
call him the Hebrew Hammer.

- Wow.

- Mom, please. She
works for the JJL.

And they tried to get her to
recruit me to save Hanukkah.

What she doesn't
seem to realize is,

is that nobody, not
even God himself,

will ever get me to work
for those people ever again.

- But Hanukkah is in danger--

- Not my problem!

Excuse me, I'm gonna
use the bathroom.

- You like my Mordechai, yes?

- Yes, he's very nice, but Mrs.
Carver, the fate of Hanukkah

lies solely--

- Hanukkah, shmanukkah, it
isn't even the high holiday.

I'm more concerned with the fact

that my boychick is almost 30,

and yet he still
hasn't settled down

with a nice Jewish girl.

I'll make a deal with you.

I'll help you with your
little Hanukkah problem,

if you help me
with my Mordechai.

- What would you want me to do?

- God forbid, the nice
Jewish girl should come

and eat by him every
once in a while.

Get his mind off his work.

Maybe a little blowjob
here and there.

Is that something
you could do for me?

Hey, mom, where
do you keep the plunger?

- It's under the sink,
next to my tampons!

It's
not a plunger.

- Is it a deal?

- What are you two
yentas yakking about?

- I was just telling
your nice friend

how I have the
problem with the gas.

So, after I started taking two
charcoal pills before I ate,

it cleared the whole
problem right up.

- Ah, well, that's good to know.

I'll have to try
that with my gas.

- Mordechai?

Do you love your mother?

- No.

Yes, of course. You're my
mother, of course I love you.

- Then when are you gonna
stop with this f'cockta

certified circumcised
dick nonsense

and get yourself a real job?

- I do have a real job!

I help people out, I do good
things for the community.

- I play cards with the girls,

and they all have what to
talk with with their sons!

They show pictures!

Their sons are lawyers
and doctors and rabbis!

Yes, why can't I show a picture?

- Then don't show a picture!

Don't show a picture,
don't show them!

- My friend Maureen.

- Yes.

- Her son, the
investment banker?

He paid for her entire
retirement in Boca Raton!

Oh, what a mensch he is,

what a mensch he is!

Yes!

- Was it Boca?

Was it in Boca Raton?

And go back to business
school and get your MBA,

So maybe I can go to Boca, too!

- Oh, I'll send you to Boca,

I'll send you right to Boca.

All right, so I get it, I
see what's going on here.

Because my saving Hanukkah now

is suddenly not good enough
for my mother, is that it?

- I don't wanna argue.

- Oh, you don't
wanna argue, really?

Are you a peaceful woman?

- I want to eat in peace.

- Is that what you do?

You spread peace
throughout the world?

I'll tell you what,
we're gonna argue.

We're gonna finish this,
'cause you know what, Mom?

You know what, Mom?

I'm gonna save Hanukkah,
just to spite you, all right?

And next year, you know,
when Hanukkah rolls around,

and I've been plastered
all over the newspapers

and television sets,
and little kids

and fashionistas are
reading page six to see

what the Hebrew
Hammer's wearing,

Hammer couture, that's
what they're wearing.

And your friends and their
little kids are opening up

their little presents
and little dreidels,

they'll have me to thank for it.

But you won't have to tell them,

you won't have to tell them

because you won't wanna
show them a picture!

You see him? He
used to be normal!

He was normal when he moved in!

Now look at him!

- Do what you must.

He's a good boy, my son.

Mazel Tov!

Oh, Mazel Tov.

Oh, my Mazel Tov.

Oh, maybe we have to
change your diapie.

Let's open you up, here we go.

Air out your tuchas,
let the tushie air out.

- Mom, why don't
you just put the cat

out of its misery, really?

- Because it's not God's way!

Mazel Tov is gonna
lead a full life,

just like the rest of us.

Aren't you, Mazel Tov?

Yes, we'll put you down,
we'll get you another diaper.

Watch your keppe, there you go.

So,

anybody ready for dessert?

Jew confirmation
test initiated.

- Oh, man, they're
still doing this?

Please state
your full Hebrew name.

- Mordechai Baruch Netanyahu.

Please state
the six dishes found

on the Passover Seder plate
in alphabetical order.

Beitzah, charoset, chazeret,
karpas, maror, zroa.

Please demonstrate
musical aptitude.

Please step forward and
remove your undergarments.

- Ooh, that's cold.

Circumcision
confirmed.

Final test initiated.

- Hello?

I think this machine's
broken or something.

This is ridiculous, I
don't even wanna be here.

I don't understand.

I schlep out in the
middle of nowhere,

for lord knows what reason.

I'm so unhappy
with this situation.

- Is it so difficult to be
your own man? I can't breathe.

What is all this smoke?

- Why? Why? Why, Mordechai?

Testing facility.

- Welcome back, Hammer.

Come on, there's more.

We've even relaxed our
age-old admission criteria.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver,

I want you to meet the JJL's
first black Jewish agent.

A close personal friend of
mine, Mr. Sammy Davis Jr., Jr.

- The Hebrew Hammer? I've
heard about this cat.

You're beautiful, babe,
keep on keepin' on.

- Yes, you keep on
continuing to do the same.

- Sammy, give us a
minute, would you?

I got a nail I wanna hit
with this particular Hammer.

- You two cats, keep on purring.

- I used to have legs
like that one time.

All right, enough nicey-nicey.

I don't want another repeat
of what happened last year

at the airport.

- Hey, listen. I got the job
done, I did what I had to do.

- G-dash-d dammit, Hammer!

You think you're above
the 10 commandments?

I want you to get
that Santa Claus

and bring him back here
with no fancy schmancy!

- Hey, listen, it's
your Bar Mitzvah, jack.

I'm just reading
the Torah portion.

- I'm glad you can be so
nonchalant about this.

- Hey, listen, I can be
chalant about it if you like.

Then again, I'm not even
so sure that's a word.

So we can sit around
all day long and argue

and make up words like
chalant and irregardless

and contusenvasen,
if we feel like it,

but I got a case to crack.

- What's your first move?

- I'm gonna contact the
brothers over at the KLF,

see if they got the skinny
on Santa's location.

I'll be in touch.

- Be careful, Hammer.

Remember! The fate of Hanukkah
rests on your shoulders.

- Okay, you know what?

I'm sorry, you guys are really
gonna have to take it easy

With that stuff, okay?

I mean, that's a lot of
pressure for one Jew.

I mean, I'm schvitzing about
the whole thing as it is.

Really, I'm only human,
and believe it or not,

I'm entitled to make a
mistake here and there, okay?

I mean, so I'm gonna
do the best I can do,

and that's just gonna have to
be good enough for all of you.

Okay?

Is it hot in here, or is it me?

* Hey *

I love you, Hammer!

* Time is truly wasting *

- Learn how to drive, shiksa.

* There's no guarantee *

* Smile's in the making *

Jewess got back.

* You gotta fight
the powers that be *

* Fight the power *

* Fight *

* Fight the power *

- Oh, shit!

* All I want for Kwanzaa is
whitey's two front teeth *

- Who brings in the dope?

The white man.

- Who brings in the guns?

The white man.

- Who brought in that disco?

The white man.

- And who brings in that
nasty-ass Jheri curl?

The white man.

- And who tries to put
their motherfucking foot

up Kwanzaa's ass?

The white man!

- That's right.

- We have ourselves a visitor.

Who's the visitor, brother?

- Yo, some pimped-out
Hebrew dude in a caddy.

- The Hebrew Hammer, Jew
boy, my main man kike.

- Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul
Rahim, my main nigga.

- Whassup, dog?

- You just called him a kike.

And you just called
him a nigger.

- Well, it's okay when
we calls each other that.

- Yeah, that's how we do it.

- Yeah.

- So, hey, my man Mordechai,

what brings your bad
ass down to KLF, man?

- JJL's got me back
on the job again.

You hear about this
crazy-ass white boy

that took over as Santa?

- Most definitely, man.

He got the brothers
on full alert.

Well, you know, you gots
to be cool under pressure.

- True dat, true dat, so
what's the word on the street?

- Hey, man, word on the street,
Santa got a brand-new bag.

It's velvety red,

and it definitely ain't
gonna be no overnight express

to Jerusalem.

You understand what I'm saying?

- No, actually, I don't,
what does that mean?

- It means Santa gonna
fuck Hanukkah's shit up.

- Oh, no he ain't, not if I
have anything to say about it.

You got any info for me?

- No, I don't. But I think
I know somebody who does.

Yeah.

- And who brought
in Britney Spears?

The white man!

- Jamal, this here's
the Hebrew Hammer.

- Whassup?

- Hello.

- Why don't you go ahead and
tell him what you told me?

- All right, all right, cool,
yo, man, it's like this.

That nigga Santa
Claus be trippin'.

First, that motherfucker
kills his own pops,

then he start talking
about busting a cap up

in Hanukkah's ass.

Next, the racist motherfucker
throws me out of the workshop,

talking about, it ain't no room

for no little colored
elves like me.

Can you believe that shit?

If it wasn't for the
arthritis in my joints,

you best believe I'd
be blam, blam, blam!

Busting a cap all up in that
ass, you know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, no, no, I dig it.

Listen, is there anything
else you can tell me?

His next move, hangouts,
anything like that?

- Hmm, well, come to think
of it, there is one thing.

Before I left, I was
packing up my shit,

and I overheard that nigga

talking to some business
partner or something,

saying that he'd meet him
tomorrow at some joint

called Dukes around three
o'clock if my memory serves.

But right now, man,
that motherfuckin' boy

is starting to kick in

and my memory ain't
serving worth a fuck!

Anyway, when he got off
the phone and jetted,

I scoped the room for
some jewelry and cash,

and whatever the
fuck I could find.

I didn't find any duckets, but
I did manage to snatch this.

- All right, thanks, little
brother, I appreciate it.

- Shit, fool, ain't no thing.

If it wasn't for my real
brothers here at the KLF,

I don't know what the
fuck I'd be doing.

I finally found
someplace where I belong.

Fuck Christmas!

I'm all about smoking blunt,

and oh, shit, do I
like to get fucked up!

Ooh, and pimping the
bitches, stand up, baby.

God damn, look at
the ass on them.

Mm, mm, mm, heaven must
be taking a recess.

And I bullshit y'all
not, sit down, baby.

I'm all about Kwanzaa, nigga.

- Well, thank you,
brother Jamal, ladies.

- He's so big.

- Brother Jamal is new.

It's gonna be a long time

before he gets the true
meaning of Kwanzaa.

- I dig it.

Thanks again, mo, man, you
always deliver the goods.

You watch your back, Hammer.

Hanukkah might be
his first move,

but Kwanzaa might be next,

and there's a lot of brothers
and sisters and babies

counting on you.

If you fail, if you fail--

- Okay, mo. I'm gonna work
really, really hard on this one.

But if you could just kinda
take it easy with the pressure,

'cause I'm kinda tense
already as it is.

- Oh, cool, cool, cool.

- Okay.

- Hey, hevenu shalom
aleichem, my brother.

- Aleichem salaam.

- L'chem.

- L'chem.

- L'chem.

- L'chem.

Yeah, l'chem.

L'chem.

* Feelings *

* Nothing more than feelings *

- Let me get a
Manischewitz, straight up.

You know that spitting
is the number-one cause

of germ transmission in the
continental United States?

Just an FYI.

- We usually don't
serve your kind.

But since you had the balls
to walk in here, kike,

I'll pour you one more
drink before we lynch you.

- Sounds good.

You know what? Let me
get the black label.

* Feelings *

* Feeling like I've
never lost you *

* And feeling like
I'll never have you *

* Again in my heart *

You guys take shekels?

I just got back from
a trip to Israel.

All I got is a
fistful of shekels.

5733, that was a pretty
good year for me.

Shabbat Shalom, motherfuckers!

* Feelings *

* Oh no more feelings *

- God damn, brother,
you're kicking ass!

- Just taking a page
out of Sweetback's book.

- They bled your mama,
they bled your papa,

but they won't bleed you.

- That's it.

- Right on, man.

- Now that the Hebrew Hammer
is out of the picture,

Chanukah will be nothing
more than a confusing

and hard-to-pronounce word.

Jamal, I wanna thank you
very much for helping me

in this situation.

You've been
wonderful, thank you.

- Shit, nigga, ain't no thing!

Hey, yo, Santa Claus.

So does this make me
an official elf now?

- Okay, can you believe
this guy, Tiny Tim?

Unfucking real.

- Look around you, Jamal.

Do you see any colored midgets
in my workshop at all, any?

That guy's got a nice tan,
but he's not a colored midget.

You understand?

Your presence would be a
disruption to the utopian model

of efficiency that I've created
for myself in my workshop.

- Utopian model of
efficiency, my ass.

Ever since you took charge,

this place is nothing
more than a sweatshop.

Santa, we know the rules.

You're in violation
of union regulations.

We're going on strike!

- Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, you know what?
You're right. You're right.

- Really?

- Yeah, this is a sweatshop!

And since you little
green fuck-nuts

are unwilling to do the work,

I've made arrangements to
have some Taiwanese children

shipped in, who, by the way,

are more than willing
to work for peanuts.

Children!

Children!

I gotta wet my fucking whistle.

Children!

Step in time, step in time.
Step in time. Step in time.

Here's your nuts!

Get in line.

- Okie dokie, Dr. Jones!

- My name's not Dr. Jones!

What are you looking
at, Esmerelda?

You're lucky I don't
pay you in little bags

of Mexican jumping beans!

Get back to work!

Randolph, you're not sweating
enough. It's a sweatshop.

- So what's our next
plan of attack, Santa?

- Follow me.

Now, here's the plan.

While I was in Taiwan,
negotiating the whole solution

to our labor problem, okay,

I ran across a factory--

- So I go to Taiwan, and--

- No, no, you're not listening.

Please listen, should I
get crutches for your ears?

- No.

- Would that help?

- No, you're right.

- Okay, I ran across a factory
that illegally produces

the most addictive Jewish
pride-weakening substance

known to man.

And I bought the entire factory.

- And I buy a second factory--

- Shut the fuck up!

No!

What I want you to do, you
and your men are to target

every young person in
every Jewish community

across the country,

and I want you to flood the
streets with this product.

- And how much should I
charge for said product?

- Good, now we're
on the same page.

Nothing.

That's the beauty of it.

Free samples, give
the stuff away.

- So what's in the
boxes, heroin, cocaine?

- Worse.

Bootleg copies of
Frank Capra's classic,

"It's a Wonderful Life".

- Now that's some cold shit!

- What's that accent?

- It's cockney.

- Scotland?

- Cockney.

- Cockney, like English, but
the downtrodden lower class.

Good, keep it up, it's creepy.

* I'm your mama,
I'm your daddy *

* I'm that nigga in the alley *

* I'm your doctor when in need *

* Want some coke *

* Have some weed *

* You know me, I'm your friend *

* Your main boy,
thick and thin *

* I'm your pusherman *

* I'm your pusherman *

Mommy says that
every time you hear the sound

of a bell ringing, an
angel gets his wings.

- Maccabee, it's time
to light the menorah.

- Well, that's
right, sweetheart,

as long as you're not Jewish.

- Mom, Dad? How come
you made me Jewish?

What?

It's a Hanukkah bush.

* Ain't I clean, bad machine *

* Super cool, super mean *

* Dealing good, for The Man *

* Superfly, here I stand *

* Secret stash, heavy bread *

* Baddest bitches in the bed *

* I'm your pusherman *

* I'm your pusherman *

* I'm your pusherman *

- Shit!

Shlomo, you okay?

- Mommy says that every
time you hear the sound

Of a bell ringing, an
angel gets his wings.

Mommy says that every
time you hear the sound

of a bell ringing, an
angel gets his wings.

Bootleg, "It's a Wonderful
Life" from Taiwan.

65%.

Damn, people can get hurt
watching this shit. Come on.

There.

- Chaim Potok's "The Chosen"?

I want you to go home.

I want you to watch this
as soon as possible.

You understand me?

- Mommy says--

- Listen to me, you
can beat this thing!

You understand me?

You can beat this!

555-5555

- Bloomenbergensteinenthal.

- Yeah, listen, chief, it's me.

I need you to listen carefully.

I need you to contact
the Worldwide Jewish
Media Conspiracy.

I need them to mass-produce
every Hollywood movie ever made

featuring a positive Jewish
protagonist as its lead.

You understand?

- You want us to
make copies of Yentl

and Fiddler On The Roof and
Chaim Potok's "The Chosen".

- That'll work.

And get them out to the
Jewish community, stat.

We've got an epidemic
on our hands.

- I'm all over that one,
what happened with Santa?

- It was a trap,
back to square one.

- You're gonna like this.

He's gonna make an appearance
at the midtown K-Mart.

I'm gonna send Esther
to meet you there.

- Okay, good thinking.

Tell you what, we'll disguise
ourselves as a gentile couple,

so as to pass undetected.

Now that Santa thinks I'm dead,

this should be a
piece of hamentashen.

- One more thing.

I want you to remember
that the fate of Hanukkah

rests squarely on
your shoulders.

The genetic coding of the
entire Jewish people--

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The fate of Hanukkah, the fate
of Hanukkah, I've gotta go.

- Can I be next, please, please?

- Let's get a look
at you, shall we?

Wow, a Power Muff
Girls tee. Very nice.

All right, now spin around.

Very nice.

All right, you're cool.

Go and see Santa, sunshine.

- That's fucking bullshit!

- That's not fair! Why
does she get to go next?

We were here first.

- Oh, really? Is that a fact?

Guess what, kid?

You ain't getting in
to see Santa today.

So why don't you just turn
around and hightail it home?

But I've been waiting
to see Santa all year!

- I've been waiting
to see Santa all year!

You heard me, get moving, punk!

Who the fuck is this
kid, is he kidding me?

Fucking moron.

- Where do you think
Santa would be?

- Probably on the other
side of the K-Mart.

Now listen, you
gotta relax, okay?

You gotta give off the
appearance of cool, undercover.

The key to undercover
work is to blend in.

You act as a gentile would.

- Right.

- Could I interest you in a
free sample bacon cheeseburger?

- Oh, well, I thank
you, gentile friend,

for your generous offer of that
deliciously unkosher snack.

I sadly have to decline, for
I have already stuffed myself

full of milk and meat product

at a previous lunch engagement.

- You're good.

- Could I have everyone's
attention, please?

- Must be behind that curtain.

- In 15 minutes, Santa
Claus will have to leave.

- What are we gonna do?

We're at least an
hour from the front.

- Come on, follow me.

- Hey, watch it.

- Hey, hey, not so fast.

- Well, we have to get
through. It's an emergency.

You have to get back in line
with all the other parents.

- Well, that's not
very Christian of you.

I quote Galatians.

I believe it was Helvetica.

- Helvetica?

Wherein
God spoketh about thee

and the sun shineth--

- Boo-boo?

- We are so sorry to
have to cut in line,

but our beautiful gentile
boy has run on up ahead

of us in line!

And it would mean so
much to Christian and I

if you'd just let
us scoot on through.

I would hate to
miss the opportunity

of seeing him bouncing up
and down on Santa's lap.

Going up and down.

And up and down.

And up and down.

- Well, if you put
it like that, sure.

Go ahead, go right through.

- Thank you so much!

- God bless you.

Not bad.

- Yes, now why don't you tell me

what those nasty Jewish
people do during Chanukah?

- They worship the devil

and sacrifice small
gentile children

in bizarre sadistic rituals?

- Like you. Gentile
children just like you.

Very bizarre and very sadistic!

Someone's gonna get
everything they want

for Christmas this year, next!

Hurry.

Yeah!

Next!

No, no, no, I'm sorry.

I don't do couples.

- Shut up. Come with
me. Nobody gets hurt.

- I'm sorry, do you know
who you're talking to?

- Yeah, you're the goy
who stole Hanukkah.

- The Hebrew Hammer!
You're alive.

- What's your shpiel, Santa?

- Come on, is this any way to
greet an old family friend?

- I think it is.

- No, it really isn't.

- I think it is.

No, it's not.
- I think it is, I think it is

- You know what it
is? You're pissed off.

And that's okay sometimes,
I get pissed off, too.

I admit it.

I went a little overboard
with the whole Chanukah thing.

And maybe I can make
it up to you, huh?

A little peace offering.

Girls?

Bambi, Tawny, I'd like you
to meet an old family friend.

The world-renown
semitic super stud,

Mordechai Jefferson Carver.

Oh, gosh, I love Jewish men.

They're so well-read
and sensitive.

It's actually funny that
you should say that.

You know what I was
just re-reading,

is this incredible Viktor
Frankl book about...

Well, he's the founder
of logotherapy,

and wrote about
holocaust survivors
and that kind of thing.

It's incredible 'cause it
has an incredible amount,

I think, of...

- No dice, Santa.

I like my women like
I like my matzah.

Unleavened.

- Hey, hurry it up in there.

- Back it up, buddy.

- Please, Hammer,
don't hurt 'em.

- Let's do this nice and
clean, and it won't be a sin.

It's a little late
for that, isn't it?

- Excuse me, children.

Can I have your attention
for a real quick moment?

- What are you doing?

- Calming the kiddies,
can I do that?

They're very upset,
look at them.

- Calm them!

- Okay, don't be
worried about Santa.

I'm fine, I'm just having
a nice, adult conversation

with my Jewish friend.

Remember what I taught
you about the Jews.

The Hebrew Hammer.

- How's it hanging?

- Guess what he told me?

That he plans on personally
canceling Christmas this year.

Boo!

- Not so good, not so nice.
He's not a very nice guy.

- You're an evil, evil man!

- Let's really show him how
that makes us feel, kids!

- Screw you, Jew!
- Fuck you, Hammer!

Attention
K-mart shoppers,

there are Jews in aisle 12.

- No, no, no!

- Oh, God, it's
over, we're doomed.

- Wait! Do you hear
that? What is that?

Do you hear it?

- What is that?

- Mordechai, Esther,
come, come quick!

- Come on, let's get him!

- Come on.

- You saved our lives,
thank you, who are you?

How do we repay you?

- Shah!

My name is Harriet Tubelman.

But you, you could
call me Moses.

- Moses.

And the only payment I
ask, Mordechai, please,

keep Hanukkah safe
for all of us.

- Moses, where are we?
What is this place?

Welcome to the Underground
Jewish Railroad.

Shalom
and thank you for riding

the Underground Jewish Railroad.

Remember to keep your arms
and legs inside the car

at all times.

Flash photography is
strictly prohibited.

Fourscore and 5,734 years ago,

our people came unto this earth.

And ever since then,

the gentile has tried to keep
our brothers and sisters down.

Moses says.

- Let my people go.

- Move that rock, Jew!

Move that rock, Jew!

- To the showers with you, Vyun.

To the showers with you, Vyun.

- Your credit card is declined.

Oy!

- Your credit card is declined.

Oy!

Your credit card is declined.

- That got annoying
fairly quickly.

- Yeah, no kidding.

- Hey, you feel like a drink?

- Sure, why not?

* Oh yeah *

* Mr. Big Stuff *

* Who do you think you are *

* Mr. Big Stuff *

* You're never
gonna get my love *

* Now because you wear all
those fancy clothes, oh yeah *

* And have a big fine
car, oh yes you do now *

* Do you think I can *

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, my God, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I'm
better with men.

- Mordechai?

- Yes, Esther?

- Well, maybe we should try
a different kind of dancing.

Oh, you mean, like the
hora, or the funky chicken?

No.

* I've been really
tryin', baby *

- Now you're talking bubbale.

- Mordechai?

- Yes, Esther?

- I want you to
talk dirty to me.

- You want me to
talk dirty to you?

- Yeah.

- You want I should
talk dirty to you?

- Yeah.

- You want I should
talk dirty, yeah?

Okay.

I wanna have lots
of children by you.

I wanna get a
good-paying, stable job.

- Yeah.

- Move to Long Island
somewhere, someplace nice.

Fancy, but not fancy schmancy.

- No.

- I want for our children
to go to private schools.

- Yes.

- And take music lessons.

Little Abraham will
go to Stanford.

Bochi will go to Ivy
League, maybe Vassar.

- Yes, keep going, keep going!

- And afterwards, they'll
decide for themselves

whether or not
they wanna continue

their religious
studies in Israel,

because after all, we
will have practiced

the highly effective
assertive democratic style

of child rearing,

sprinkled with a healthy
dose of liberalism.

- Oh, God, keep
going, keep going!

- And on a daily basis.

- Yes.

- I want you to
tell me what to do.

- Yes!

- Where to do it.

- Yes!

- And how I should
live my fucking life.

- Oh kiss me, you
semitic stallion!

I think I feel something
poking around down there.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Was it this?

- No.

Maybe I should investigate.

What do you think about that,

Mr. certified circumcised dick?

- I think about it.

A lot.

That's good.

- Shabbat Shalom.

* You know what I'm talking
about, come on, baby *

* Yeah, yeah *

* Let your love come out *

* If you believe in love *

* Let's get it on *

* Ooh, let's get it on, baby *

- That was amazing.

- Yeah, it was pretty good.

* Come light my menorah *

* Bring your burning
oil with you *

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay.

What are you snorting?

- Oh, it's antihistamine
for my allergies.

The capsules make me gassy.

Want a bump?

- No, I'm cool.

- Suit yourself.

Okay.

So I'm thinking, The key to
getting inside Santa's head

and figuring out
what his next move

is to figure out exactly
what he would say to me

if he was telling me
where he was, right?

Okay, all right.

I got it.

It's a little role-playing,
right, okay, so like,

hey, Mordechai, you
super semitic stud.

It's Santa.

I was wondering if you could
pick me up a vitamin water

and send it to?

Dot, dot, dot, right?

But, you see, all
I have is dots.

Wigger!

- Your mother was right.

You do think about
work too much.

- What else does yenta dearest
have to say for herself?

- Well, she said that you need
to find a nice Jewish girl

to settle down with and
take your mind off work.

I'm just glad she thought
I was good enough for you.

- Really?

And when exactly did you
have this conversation?

In the 35 seconds I
was in the bathroom?

- Relax, Mordy, I think
your mom's wonderful.

She cares so much about you.

Listen to this.

While you were gone, she
said that she would help me

get you to work with
JJL if I would just eat

by you once in a while.

Like I needed any incentive.

- Wait, wait, wait,
hold on a second.

You made a deal with my
mother to sleep with me

if I'd help you?

- No! No, no, no.

No.
- Oh, my God,

oh, my God.

What does that make me?

What does that make you?

What does that make my mother?

Oh, my God, she's my pimp!

My mother's my pimp,

and she's whoring her bitch son

out to the highest bidder!

I mean, you know, I am so sick

and tired of being objectified.

I'm not a piece of meat.

You know, I can't help
it that I look like this.

- Relax, Mordy,
it's not like that.

You're being completely
neurotic right now.

- Oh, I'm being neurotic?

- Yeah.

- I'm being neurotic?

- Yeah.

- I'm being neurotic.

- That's what I just said.

You know, I thought
you were different.

I thought we had
something special here.

- We do!

- We do, yeah, you
know what? I'm sorry.

I don't think we can be linked
romantically any longer.

Hammer here.

- It's the chief.

We've got a situation here.

I want you to get
over here right away.

I got something
I wanna show you.

- Okay, whoever this is,

can you please spit
out the hard candy,

repeat yourself clearly.

- We got a situation here.

I want you to get
over here right away.

I got something I
want you to see.

- Mordy?

- You put your disease in me.

- Mordechai, thank
God you're here.

An hour ago, we received
this transmission

from the putz at the north pole.

- And now, my
Chanukah-loving friends,

I will reveal to
you the true nature

of my diabolical scheme.

The Jewish atomic clock,

located in the
outskirts of Jerusalem,

keeper of the time for
the Jewish calendar,

powered by Judayim,

an element so rare it exists
only in the clock itself.

Once I extract the
Judayim from the clock,

the Jewish calendar
will cease to exist,

forever eradicating Chanukah.

In less than 24 hours, which,
by your Jewish calendar,

is approximately...

Do you have a pen and paper?

Yeah.

What would that be?

It's 24.

- And they go by the moon.

God, they're screwed up.

- Times carry the seven.

That would be four years
and 3/4 a lunar site.

That doesn't sound right.

Whatever!

In less than 24 Christian hours,

Chanukah will be no
more than a fond memory.

Tiny Tim.

- Merry Christmas, everybody,
and God bless us, every one.

End transmission.
- How do you feel?

- Not good.
- Why?

I felt like I stumbled.

- You hit every
point, you were evil.

I don't think I was evil.

I thought I was--

- You're really doing fine.

- I thought I was flaky.

- Do you need to be held?

- I guess I do.

Oww, God, watch it
with the fucking cane,

you gimpy invalid!

- Well, that hurts, thank you.

- You know what hurts? A
cane to the face, that hurts.

- Words hurt too,
buddy, words hurt, too!

- Get out of here,
get out of my face!

I'm sleeping
somewhere else tonight!

- Why is the red light...

What the fuck!

Are you fucking filming me?

- Well, he's not
a straight Santa.

Well, looks like I
got a plane to catch.

- You go with him, sweetheart.

This is too big for one person.

- No way, it's too dangerous.

And besides, my days
of hooking are over.

- You're not my
bitch, Mordechai.

You have to believe me!

- Is there something I missed?

- It's a long story,
chief, a long, hard story.

I'll explain it when I get
back from saving the clock.

Alone.

- He's as crazy as a cut worm.

Follow him, he'll need the help.

- Excuse me.

- Shh.

- Do you speak English?

- Yes. Hello.

- Hello.

I'd like to rent your
biggest Cadillac.

Preferably lowered,
whitewall tires.

- I'm so sorry, sir.

But somebody just rented
our last Cadillac.

- Well, what else do you have?

- Well, we do have a ch--

- That's okay, whatever it
is, I'll take it, that's fine.

- The Jewish atomic clock.

I spit in disgust.

- Why would you spit?

- I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.

- It's running down me neck.

- Well, I was spitting
for dramatic effect.

Maybe you shouldn't stand right
next to me with your cane.

Now let's get to it, you
twerpy little half bitches!

- Wait up!

- Suck that Jew juice!

- Please, don't do that.
- What?

- You hit me. I do that.

- Well, can't I--

- No, you just laugh.

No, the evil laugh.

Please.

Forget it.

The moment's over,
you killed it.

It's as dead as your leg.

- Let's dance the hora.

- You're a hora!

Get him, boys!

- Mordechai, 10 o'clock.

- It's not even six.

No, your 10 o'clock.

- What are you doing here?

- Mordechai, I love you. I
couldn't let you do it alone.

- I love you too.

I'm sorry about my
post-coital freak-out.

I get a little sensitive.

- I forgive you.

- Check the clock, I'll
finish up over there.

- Okay.

Warning,
sunset imminent,

warning, sunset imminent.

Warning, sunset imminent.

Warning, sunset imminent.

Warning, sunset imminent.

Warning, sunset imminent.

- What's the matter?

- I don't know. I
feel kind of tired.

- What's going on?
Why did he stop?

I don't know, maybe
he ran out of ammo.

- Really? Well, go check it out.

Well?

- He's just sorta
resting in the corner.

- Resting?

What day is it?

- It's the 20--

No, not the date,
the day, day, day!

- It's Friday.

- Friday, what time is it?

- I don't know, around sundown?

- Sundown.

Oh, my God, why didn't
I think of this before?

It's the Sabbath!

The day of rest for
those Jew people!

They can't even wipe their ass,

let alone shoot people
on the day of rest!

We've got 'em beat! Right here.

No, too slow.

Let's do this, come on!

- Let's wake up.

- Well, well, well.

It looks like the Hebrew Hammer
has a weakness after all.

Continue extracting the
Judayim from the clock.

Tiny Tim, I want you
to introduce the Hammer

to The Christmas spirit.

- You want me to give him
presents from me heart?

Gift-wrap them in
pretty bows and ribbons?

Roast chestnuts on an open fire?

Then scamper upstairs
under a large quilt,

waiting up all night for
Santy Claus to come and...

Wait a minute,
you're Santy Claus!

Give us a gift,
Santy, give us a gift!

- No, you numb-nutted,
gimpy little bitch!

I want you to kill him.

Right, sorry.

- Santy Claus is going
back up to the North Pole,

Where he's gonna
celebrate his new victory

with his brand-new
stocking stuffer!

- Take a look, Hammer.

The clock's already
beginning to power down.

What's the matter?

No more snappy one-liners?

- Merry Kwanzaa, nigga.

- Are you a singing group?

- Mordechai! You're back.

The clock?

- Still ticking.

Thanks to help from our
brothers at the KLF,

Hanukkah's safe for now.

- Thank God!

Why the long face?

- Sir, it's Esther,
Santa's got her.

- My Esther?

Oh, Mordechai. Please,
will you help me?

- I love her, sir.

If I don't help you, I
can't make her my wife.

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim

has agreed to go with
me to the North Pole

on a rescue mission.

- That's right, baby.

One love.

- You are a mensch. Thank you.

- Mordechai, by any
means necessary,

you are to bring my
Esther back to me.

And you are allowed to use
Judaism's ultimate weapon!

- Sir, not the...

I don't think
that'll be necessary.

- Mordechai, the fate of
my daughter rests squarely

on your shoulders.

- Yes, sir, I understand,
I won't let you down.

- Looks like the back door's
gonna be our best bet.

Let's move.

Baruch atah, I don't know
what the hell I'm saying.

- What the hell you doing, man?

Praying to God we
don't kill ourselves

getting over this wall.

- Let's move.

* Time has come today *

* Young hearts
can go their way *

* Can't put it off another day *

You know, you're tied in,
you don't have to hold on.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, I knew that.

- All right, listen,
before we go in,

my research has determined

that Santa's compound is
wired with the XP-2000

stereotype alarm system.

- Stereotype alarm system.

- Yeah, check it out.

- Okay, how do we get around it?

- Okay, the alarm is triggered,

if the system detects
any non-wasp tendencies

within the building.

For instance, if you were
to dribble a basketball

or enjoy a slice of watermelon

or use the word dawg,

that is spelled with
aw, not the typical o,

within the confines
of the building,

that alarm is gonna sound
six ways to shabbos, man.

- Listen up, cat!

Just for the record, I detest
the taste of watermelon,

and I'm a horrendous
basketball player.

Can you dig that shit?

- I'm digging it.

- You dig it?
- I dig it.

All right, means the system's
outdated, it should be easy.

Let's move.

- It's clear, let's
go. Let's do it.

- Hey, mo, don't
you want this penny?

- Hammer, no!

Jewdar
alert, Jewdar alert.

- Shit! Let's move.

- Fuck.

- Tiny Tim.

I'll get his punk ass,
you go find your lady.

- Yeah.

- Tiny motherfuckin' Tim.

Didn't I let your
ass go last time?

- Yeah.
- Why?

- 'Cause we're both Sagittarius.

- I tries not to kill no
sag, but you fucked me.

Now I gots to do what I
shoulda done all along!

- No!
- Yeah.

- No!
- Yeah!

- Me crutch!

Me crutch!

Come back with me crutch!

Me crutch! Fuck.

- Oh, look, a bowl
of matzah ball soup!

- Mmm, yummy.

Me crutch! Sorry.

- Here. Oh, I'll take that.

Where's my old lady, aunt Santa?

- I don't have to tell
you anything, Hammer.

You're gonna have to kill me
before I tell you anything.

Yeah, but if I kill you,
then you'll be dead.

- Good point.

Mordechai,
I'm in here, help!

- Don't worry your pretty
little head about it.

That was a warning shot.

Mordechai, help!

- That was a warning kick!

Looks like the tables
have turned, Mordechai.

Now you're not gonna
be able to say goodbye

to your precious little Edna.

- Esther.

Her name is Esther.

- Whatever!

Goodbye, Mordechai.

Give my regards to my father.

Okay, wait, wait, wait,
hold on a second, all right?

- What?

- I didn't wanna
have to do this,

but you leave me no choice.

I am now gonna resort
to the most dangerous,

deadly weapon in
the Jewish arsenal.

What, I schlep all the
way up here for this?

I mean, I come all the way to
the North Pole to fight you?

You don't put out
anything to nosh on?

- You're hungry?

- I mean, what kind of
arch nemesis are you?

- I'm sorry, I wasn't
thinking, I guess.

Oh, no, you don't!

You're not gonna pull that
Jewish guilt crap on me.

I'm a lot stronger
than that, Mordechai.

- Okay, forget it, never mind.

- No, what?

- No, nothing.

- Tell me, what?

- It's just, I mean, I don't
know what kind of host it is

that treats their
company this way.

I mean, Esther's clearly
unhappy with the guest room

you provided her with.

You know, I'm schvitzing
all over the place

from running around
shooting people.

- Stop this!

- What kind of flooring
is this, anyway?

My feet are killing me.

- Stop it!

No, please, stop,
just take my gun.

- No.

- Take the gun.
- No.

Take it!

- Forget it!

- No, I insist on
you taking the gun!

- Really?
- Just take it!

- I mean, if it's a big deal--

- Please, put a
bullet right here.

Put a bullet in my head, take
me outta my misery, please.

- Hammer! You cool?

- Everything's kosher, man.

You got him?

- Yeah, I got him.

- Oh, shit! He put that
Jewish guilt on your ass, huh?

- Mordy!

- Esther.

You all right?

- I'm okay, I think so.

I don't know,
maybe I'm not okay.

- This is a slipknot.

You realize you could
have undone it yourself.

Shut up.

Ed Koch?

- How am I doing?

- How you doing,
you're tied to a chair!

- Mordechai, thank
God you're here.

- You two know each other?

- Same temple.

- I gotta split, bye, guys.

Take it easy, man.

- Hey, you know, maybe
you can take care

of those parking tickets for me.

- Got him, Mo.

I can't even stand to look
at the back of his head.

- Get up, Santa pimp! Come on.

- Wait a minute.

Before you go, I'm sorry, I
just need some closure here.

You know where you messed up?

You never really understood
the true meaning of Hanukkah.

Okay, what is the true
meaning of Hanukkah?

- That's a really,
really good question.

Well, it definitely has
something to do with dreidels.

- Okay, okay.

- Latkes.
- Latkes.

- And some kind of miracle
oil that lasted eight days,

and that, my friend, should
have been enough for you.

- Right on.

Let's go, bitch.

Me and the boys about to
kwanzify your ass. Let's go.

Esther Bloomenbergensteinenthal,
will you marry me?

- Well, it was my mother's.

- Yes, I would gladly give up
my last name to be your wife.

- You've made my mother
and me very happy.

Shabbat
Shalom, everybody!

- And merry Christmas to all
our gentile friends, Monchi.

And I'd like to take this
opportunity, If I may,

to raise a toast to Adoshem,

who has blessed me so
much over the course

of this last year,

with a beautiful fiance
and a wonderful mother.

And an opportunity to help
my brothers and sisters

in the Jewish community.

- Shalom!

- Shalom.

- Well, I'm just glad
you're safe, bubbe shayna.

And eating by your
mother for shabbos.

But with all the attention

the newspapers and television
has been giving you,

you'd think you were
the pope or something.

- Well, Mom, I
did save Hanukkah.

- I mean, let's be
honest, Mordechai.

It isn't even one of
the high holidays.

- No, you're right.

- Now, if you had saved
Yom Kippur or Passover,

You might have
what to brag about.

My friend, Marie, her son,
the investment banker,

he put together a big merger.

- Yeah, he's a pedophile,
did you know that?

He goes around and he shtups
little boys in the park.

Is that what you
want from your son?

- Hey!
- Sorry.

- Suddenly, it's not enough.

It's not enough that
your son saves Hanukkah?

You know, I understand.

Well, you know what?
It is good enough.

And I'm good enough.

And I'm not gonna leave
here until you tell me--

- Mazel Tov!

- I'm gonna beat
her with a fish.

I'm gonna beat her
with a big whitefish.

- Does your little tushie
need some airing out?

Let's see.

- We're eating!

- There you go, breathe it out.

- Well, I'm finished.

- You did a good
poop in your diaper!

What a good boy you are.

- So suddenly the cat

taking a dump in the diaper

is more important
than your son saving

a Jewish fucking holiday!

Forget it!

- So, what are your plans
for after the wedding?

- Kill you.

- Well, for starters,

we're gonna honeymoon
for a week in Boca.

And then when we get back,

Mordy's been talking
about taking a stable,

good-paying job as a
consultant for the JJL.

- I couldn't be happier
for the both of you!

I know!
- Thank you, thank you.

- Hey, do you hear what I hear?

- I think I hear the new
Santa Claus busy at work.

Come on.

- I forgot to ask you.

Who did they put in charge
as the new Santa Claus?

- Well, since Santa will be
living out the rest of his days

at a home for the
religionally insane,

and because he has
no blood heirs,

the Kwanzaa Liberation Front
and the Jewish Justice League

has decided to make the
whole Santa Claus process

a democratic vote.

We're all very pleased

with our very first
Santa Claus elect.

Oh, look. There he is now.

- Merry Christmas, niggas,
and a happy Jew year!

* Hey *

* Time is truly wasting *

* There's no guarantee *

* Smile's in the making *

* You gotta fight
the powers that be *

* Got so many forces *

* Staying on the scene *

* Giving up all around me *

* Faces full a' pain *

* I try to play my music *

* They say my music's too loud *

* I try to talking about it *

* I got the big run around *

* When I rolled
with the punches *

* I got knocked on the ground *

* With all this
bullshit going down *

* Hey *

* Time is truly wasting *

* There's no guarantee *

* Smile's in the making *

* We gotta fight
the powers that be *

* I don't understand it *

* People wanna see, ya *

* Those that got the answers *

* Red tape in the way *

* I could take you in easy *

* That's just half
the fun, oh boy *

* Seeking satisfaction *

* Keeps me on the run *

* I try to play my music *

* They say my music's too loud *

* I try to talking about it *

* I got the big run around *

* When I rolled
with the punches *

* I got knocked on the ground *

* Who's the certified
circumcised dick *

* That's a sex machine
machine to all the chicks *

* Hammer *

* Amen *

* He is just tryna
do some good *

* Helping brothers in the hood *

* Hammer *

* Right on *

* Who's the kike
that won't cop out *

* When there's
gentiles all about *

* Hammer *

* All right *

* Can you dig it *

* He's a complicated Jew *

* But no one understands
him but his mother *

* Because he's a bad mother *

* Sheket, bevakashah *

* Bring your *

* But that's why *

* I wanna make you mine *

* Has your bush been
burning lately *

* Come on, over-spend
my *

* Just don't trim
my Christmas tree *