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- Hey, Engelberg. - Let me see it.

Wait a second.

Glad to see you're still in training, Engelbuns.

Keep it up, Stein.

Jose, Miguel, cuídense bien.

Hey, Jose. Hey, Miguel.

Are you clods gonna sit on your butts all day

or we gonna play some ball?

We're waiting for the coach.

To hell with the cruddy coach. We got to practice!

- I know who he is. Get ready to shit. - Who?

- Not Buttermaker? - Worse. Mr. Manning.

Not Mr. Manning from the high school?

He's mean dude, OK.

Pushed one of my brothers off the high dive

for not knowing how to swim.

I hear he threw a basketball at a kid's face,

busted his nose, blood all over the place.

And then he made the kid wipe it up.

Whatever you do, do not look into right field.

Look alive, gentlemen. Take your seats

and let's begin.

Gentlemen, we have a serious game coming up

in between a double-header at the Houston Astrodome.

We'll be in a professional arena.

We'll be in front of a lot of people.

The winner of this game will play a team in Japan.

Gentlemen, I expect to be prepared to win this game.

Tanner Boyle?

Here.

Timothy Lupus?

Timothy Lupus?

The Looper ain't here.

Where is he?

Looper broke his leg skateboarding.

Miguel Agilar?

Sí.

- Speak up, son! - Sí.

Up! Up!

- Sí! - Attaboy.

Jose Agilar?

Here.

Have you got something in your mouth, son?

Gum.

Did I give anyone permission to chew gum?

- No. - No, sir.

I'm going to make this very simple.

If you want anything, I don't care what it is,

you come to me and ask my permission beforehand.

In other words, gentlemen,

don't...

...assume anything.

That way you won't make an ass

out of you or me.

Who sent this guy, Hitler?

What's your name, son?

- Elton. - Elton what?

John.

You have something to say to the group, Elton?

No.

Well, then Elton, I suggest you pick up your stuff and get your ass out of here.

What for?

Move it, Elton!

I said move it! Now!

- Jesus. - God.

I don't want you back on this field till you can act like a ballplayer.

...but who's gonna catch?

Ahmad Abdul Rahim?

Here.

Why don't we just make that Andy,

make things a little easier?

Andy?

Good.

Hey, what's going on?

That guy kicked me off the team.

Gentlemen, I'm going to add another word to the board.

Kelly Leak! All right, Kelly.

Son, I suggest you take...

Now, look. Don't...

You talking to me?

I want you to...

All right. All right.

Hey, Coach, take a walk. You've been fired.

Enough! Enough!

You listen to me! Do you hear me?

I said listen to me!

You get off this field!

Sit down!

Shut up and sit down!

You'll never make it to Houston without a coach!

You come back here!

I'll break every bone in your body! Come back here!

Hey, Big Looper.

Engelberg's here, too.

Here he is now.

Hey, Big Looper. What's going on?

See your picture yet?

My dad took this last season. We just had it blown up.

Great shot, huh?

Big Looper makes a big play.

Tanner's got something else.

An official Bears autographed ball. It's the only one in existence.

See? It's got everybody's name on it.

Thanks.

Everyone talks about how they wish you were going with us and everything.

You mean "if we're going."

We still don't have a coach or a decent pitcher.

What about the prize? The game in Japan?

Who wants to go to Japan anyway? The food's terrible.

Looper...

If we win the prize, will you go with us next time?

Yeah.

Hey, Kelly!

- Hey, man! - Hey, Kelly, where have you been?

Hey, I hear you guys are still trying to get to Houston.

But now they won't let us go without a coach.

Well, you still looking for a pitcher? 'Cause I got one for you.

Why, you gonna play?

Play with you turkeys?

You're kidding.

Well, then who's the pitcher?

- Yeah. Who is this guy? - Well, you never heard of him.

What's his name?

Carmen Ronzonni.

Come on. You guys, you can do it. You got rhythm.

Yeah. Just move a little bit more.

- Good. - Come on, the race ain't over yet.

Way to go, Rudi!

- All right! - All right.

But you got to move a little bit. Come on.

Nice-looking bunch of boys.

- Hey, come here for a second. - Hey Rudi, come here.

Hey, guys, this is Carmen.

Why don't you come over here for a minute?

Played baseball back east.

Yeah, heavy action back east, man.

By way of introduction,

I'm what you call your basic versatile ball thrower.

You see, like, all you guys heard of Catfish Hunter, right?

Well, OK, then, here's the Cat.

Man on first.

Watch the head movement.

Back like this, and in.

Catfish Hunter.

You want Luis Tiant? You got this.

Luis Tiant,

a real sharp pitcher there.

Now that's basically where I'm coming from.

Jews, spics, niggers and a wop that throws air balls.

- Tanner, would you... - Tanner, come on. Cool it, man.

Come here. Come here.

Hey, Kelly, what's this kid all about?

I mean, I don't want to pound the little man,

but I just want you to know I can't go for the attitude.

Don't worry about it. Tanner's cool.

You know, I just want you to know I can't go for it.

What about you, Kelly?

Did you change your mind about playing?

Yeah.

- Yeah! All right! - Way to go!

But why did you change your mind?

I got my reasons.

Hey, you dumb jackasses. We still need a cruddy coach.

Hey, how bad do you guys want to play that game in Texas?

Listen, do you really wanna play?

Well, all chicken shits go home.

We've got a coach.

- Who? Who is it? - Listen to Kelly, man.

I'm looking right at him.

You mean Lester, the walking bimbo?

He's so dumb, he can't even talk!

Hey, like I said, Tanner, all chicken shits go home.

Now, who's with me?

Well, what are we going to tell our folks, that we got an idiot for a coach?

- That's crazy. - They'll never buy it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We'll tell them the truth.

Tell them the truth?

So, listen. Who is this fellow anyway?

Oh, you mean Coach Eastland?

He's been with Parks and Recreation for years.

This coach...

Lester.

- Lester what? - Eastland.

Eastland...

Didn't I have a kid named George Eastland in class one year?

I don't know.

Listen, have you heard anything about Mike's new coach?

No. There's a new coach?

Mike, do you think he's a good coach?

Sure. He's been around ball fields all his life.

That makes him a good coach?

Now who... Who's going with you as a chaperone?

- Coach. - Coach who?

Eastland.

- Have you ever heard of him? - No, I haven't...

Well, when are we going to meet him?

Well, when we leave and you drop me off there.

We'll leave from his house.

How much did you say you'll need?

Twenty-five dollars?

Maybe a little more?

I suppose so. Yeah, I could run into a little trouble.

Well, how much?

About 15.

But, honey, $15 is not very much money for you to be gone for a week.

How are you going to live and eat and all that?

Let him starve.

- Darryl, will you please? - Be quiet.

About 20.

Seventy-five or eighty.

Four dollars.

For both of us.

How's he doing?

I got him to say, "Hello. How are you?"

Well, how about, "Glad to meet you"?

It's a possibility.

Hello. How are you?

Hello. How are you?

Hey, Coach! We're here.

- Hello. How are you? - How are you doing?

I'm Fred Engelberg. This is my wife Nancy.

I guess you know Michael. You take care of him for us, Coach.

Hello. How are you?

- Hey! - Hello. How are you?

Wow! Is this it?

This is it, man.

All right!

Hello! Hello!

How are you?

Bye-bye.

Hello. How are you?

Hello. How are you?

You take care, you hear?

Give me a hug.

- Bye, Mom. - Now call us if you need us.

- Be cool. - OK, let's go.

Grab my bag, Tanner. It'll fit.

Hello.

Hello. How are you?

Come on, Tanner. Get in.

Wow.

- Goodbye! - Move it. Come on.

Goodbye!

- Let's jam. - Yeah.

Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Good...

...bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Look out, Astrodome! Here we come!

- Watch out Texas! - Yeah.

Hey, you sure you know how to drive this thing?

Hey, listen, dude, I'm from Van Nuys. I was born to drive.

Where'd you guys get this van anyway?

Had a friend.

Yeah. He owed us a favor, see?

So this is your friend's van?

Well, like, he borrowed it from another guy.

Well, who's the guy?

Some dude who's out of town for the week.

You see, my friend says if we return the van in a week,

we got no problem.

In other words, we're riding in a stolen vehicle.

Stolen?

No!

We're going to the joint, man!

Hey, hey, hey! Let's look at the positive side.

Well, recent FBI figures estimate

that only 20% of all car thieves are ever apprehended,

only 14% in the first week after the theft occurs.

So, well, at least the odds are in our favor.

Tell that to the guy behind us.

I knew it! Now we're going to the joint for sure!

Miguel, if you spit on me one more time...

Come on, Tanner!

What will we do if he pulls us over?

Hey, hey! Can we be cool about this thing?

Now, it'd help if only one guy did the looking.

Engelberg...

What's he doing?

He's not doing anything. He's driving.

I know what he's doing.

He's calling in our license to the man,

and he's making reservations at the joint!

Because that's where we're going, the joint. We're going tonight.

- Shut up, Ahmad! - Cool it, Tanner!

- Come on! - God!

He's pulling alongside! He's making his move!

All right, be cool.

Yeah!

All right!

Yeah!

All right!

Hey, you guys. Hey, you guys, will you listen for a second?

Now, do you guys want to be real major league about this,

or do you want to act like some small-time assholes?

All right now. Here's how they do it...

Everybody tosses what they got into one fund,

except for a couple of bucks personal dough, you know,

for toothpaste, towels, Trojans, what have you.

And then we elect a treasurer, see.

And he watches over the books and pays the bills for the whole team.

You guys want me to be treasurer?

OK, fine.

I want Ogilvie.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Ogilvie's reliable.

Ogilvie would be better than you. He's honest, too.

OK. You want Ogilvie?

Fine.

OK, let's all put it in the hat.

I already saved a couple of bucks...

- How much? - We got plenty to get to Houston now.

I still don't like the idea.

Eleven, twelve...

Hi. My parents sent me in. They're in the van there.

- We'd like to rent a room. - A double?

Yeah, sure, a double. How much is that?

It's gonna cost you $24.

Let me check with my dad.

Hey, Dad, is $24 all right?

How many rooms?

One room, Dad.

Get it.

We'll take it.

How come your folks didn't come in?

Well, ever since the big fire,

they've been quite self-conscious about showing themselves in public.

I mean, how much can plastic surgery really do?

Come on, move it, Ahmad!

I'm moving. Don't push me!

I call that bed!

Wow. This room is great.

No. We can't even use it.

- How come? - What's wrong?

It's being sanitized. They've got it blocked off with paper.

Great.

Let's call the Colonel!

Is this the only other bed in the room?

How are we all going to sleep here? I'm not sleeping in this bed.

Hey, I called that bed!

Hey, nobody called nothing, man.

I called it right when I came in, you dumb wop.

That's it!

- Fight! - Hey, cool it!

Hey, he didn't mean it, all right?

Knock it off. He didn't mean it.

Take the bed! Who needs it?

I'm going out to get something to eat.

Does anybody want to come?

Hey, what do you mean, biscuits and coleslaw are extra?

Hey, how you doing?

Sorry. I've got to see your ID.

- What for? - You've got to be 21.

Hey, what am I going to do, drink it?

I'm sorry. That's the law.

Jesus. When you're 21, you've been there and back.

How do they expect us young guys to learn anything?

Really, I don't.

Shut the damn door!

I'll get you!

Kiddies, you're in the way.

All right, kiddies.

It's library hour.

I got three Playboys.

Now, who wants 'em?

Come on, right here!

You got it!

- All right! - Yeah!

All right now, we got one more.

Come on, Carmen, please.

- Come on, Carmen! - All right.

I love it!

Wow!

Kika Nunez!

- Wow! - Oh, man.

Hey, Toby, where did Kelly go?

He said we were acting like a bunch of idiots,

and he just took a walk.

He looked kind of strange, though.

Hey, that's his style, you know.

The last of the Lone Eagles...

Charles Lindbergh, James Dean, Kelly Leak.

Yeah, but who's this guy he knows in Houston?

Hey, just some guy he used to know.

Don't worry now. Kelly's cool.

He's cool.

Boys...

I haven't a thing to say.

You played a great game...

All of you.

Great game.

I guess we just can't expect to win them all.

I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself for years.

Tanner, would you shut that thing off?

None of you ever knew George Gipp.

He was long before your time.

But you all know what a tradition he is at Notre Dame.

The last thing he said to me...

"Rock," he said...

"Sometime, when the team is up against it

and the breaks are beating the boys,

tell them to go out there with all they got

and win just one for the Gipper."

"I don't know where I'll be then, Rock," he said,

But I'll know about it,

and I'll be happy."

Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's go! Let's go!

No. Coach Eastland's one of the greatest drivers of all time.

He's always talking about safety and everything.

- He's really a great driver. - Come on!

Would you? I'm on the telephone.

Anyway, don't worry about it. I'll talk to you when I get home.

OK, Mom?

Finally.

Hi. How's it going?

- All right. - Nice to see you.

Thanks, but no, thanks.

Come on!

Come back!

No, no, no. Hey, hey! Please.

No. No, no, no. No. No!

Won't your mother be disgusted.

When she finds her son is busted.

Footprints on your dashboard upside down.

Won't she scream in your ear.

When she finds you with that beer.

Grinning and stumbling all around.

Come on!

Kelly, could we make a stop? I got to go to the bathroom.

It happens!

Come on, Engelberg!

Wow, what an emergency.

That equipment!

- I know. - And jackets.

Look at that!

My time and distance charts say we should be in Houston

by some time Thursday morning.

So we'll rent a room and get some sleep before we go to practice.

Why are they looking at us like that?

Anybody got a peace pipe?

Hey, be cool. Be cool.

Do you play baseball?

He wants to know if we play baseball.

Yeah, we play occasionally, you know, here and there.

We're playing in the Dome this Sunday,

but that's about it.

We play baseball, too.

Let's go, Tanner!

- All right, Tanner. - Let's go.

- Come on, Tanner. - Let's get a home run!

Come on, Tanner.

This one's going out of the park.

Let's get a home run.

Come on, Tanner.

Come on, Tanner. Let's go.

This one's going out of the US of A!

- All right, Tanner! - Yes!

Run!

Lucky play. Lucky play.

Wow.

- Good try, Tanner. - Off the rock?

They got the break.

Take away your rock, and you got nothing.

Let's go, Ahmad!

Go get 'em!

Let's go!

Whip these guys! Let's go! Let's go!

- Come on! - It's all right.

Come on, man! You got two more.

Come on, you got to set these things up.

- Yeah! - Strike!

Come on, Ahmad. It's cool. It's cool.

Let's go, Ahmad. Don't worry about it.

Don't get mad.

Come on. Come on, Engelberg!

Come on, Engelberg!

Come on. Send it home!

Let's go, Engelberg. Go, man!

Got a hit.

- Go, go, go! - Go, man!

He got it.

I guess that's what they mean by the home field advantage.

Talk about luck.

Come on, you guys, let's get 'em!

All right!

Hey, Engelberg. Come here.

There's something that me and you, we got to talk about, you know.

And that's signals, signs. All right?

Now, one means fast ball. Two, curve.

Three, slider. Four, knuckler.

Five, sinker. Six, change-up.

Seven, screwball. And eight, dipsydoodle.

Now, if you want something like an intentional walk,

well, then you just yell, "Intentional walk,"

'cause, you know, nobody gives a shit about that anyway.

Have a good game.

All right!

Hey, batter, batter, batter! Come on, Carmen.

Hey, batter, batter, batter!

Hey, batter, batter, batter! Swing!

Sorry about that.

Hey, I thought you said you could pitch.

Yeah.

Come on. Just throw it down the middle.

Trying to kill him or something?

Hey, batter, batter, batter!

Hey, batter, batter! Swing!

Hey, I'm sorry about that. Really, I...

Hey, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean...

Hey, fellas. Hey, I said I was sorry.

Hey, you guys, listen, he's not doing it on purpose, man.

He just needs a couple more warm-ups.

He's just a cruddy pitcher.

Hey, listen, everything's cool.

It's cool. I'm serious.

Hey, what are you, crazy?

You wanna get our asses kicked? You told me you could pitch.

Hey, no rosin, stinking field, no warm-ups.

Bull shit.

- Shit, Carmen... - Hey!

Hey, batter!

Hey, batter...

Come on, get the ball!

Throw it in!

Throw it in!

Relay!

Come on, get it!

Relay, relay!

Throw it in!

Come on! Come on.

Hey, batter, batter, batter!

- Come on! Throw it! - Relay, relay!

Come on!

Come on, get off!

Hey, batter!

Hey, batter, batter!

- Come on, Carmen! - Hey, batter!

Couldn't you throw it a little harder, please?

They're hitting every one you throw.

Great.

Come on, you guys. Look alive.

- Engelberg, what are you doing? - Come on, Engelberg!

Carmen, try to get at least one guy out.

It's going to go...

Man, it went in the graveyard.

Forget it.

Terrific, Carmen.

Looks like we've been scalped.

- Hey, anybody got change? - Who's got money?

I got money if anybody needs to borrow some.

"Dear Looper,

Ronzonni makes me sick.

He can't even pitch.

Nobody thinks we can win.

Your pal, Tanner Boyle.

P.S. I saw a good movie the other night.

You'd like it."

- Hey, Kelly, can we make another stop? - Engelberg, can't you just...

It happens. I can't control things like this.

Hey, you guys.

There's the Dome.

Oh, man.

We're going to be playing in that?

Hey, don't worry.

They're probably just a bunch of dirt farmers.

Couldn't throw the ball to save their grandmother.

Tell me about it.

Together! Do it together!

Together!

Together!

Do you understand "together"?

Ten-hut!

All right! You got a big game coming up!

You got to do it together! Are you going to win it?

Sir! Yes, sir!

All right! Arms up!

Hey, how you doing, Mr. Orlansky?

Morrie, call me Sy, please.

Well, they're looking real good, aren't they, Sy?

Now, where in the hell's the other team?

Well, they're gonna be here any time now.

Listen, I understand they got some real tough competitors out there.

They got some tough leagues in California.

They should've been here by now.

Yeah, well, they're going to be here any time now.

- Carl! - Sir!

Listen, Sy, I just want to tell you

how much we appreciate you getting us in your organization,

getting us this Astrodome game.

You know, I just want you to know

you're sure as hell going to get your money's worth.

- Carl... - Sir.

What time are the Bears supposed to get here?

This morning, far as I know.

It's noon now!

Listen, Morrie, I don't want any problem here.

I got people to answer to.

You get a team here tomorrow, latest.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. We'll get right on it.

Just as long as I don't have a problem, Morrie.

- That's all I ask. - No problem.

No problem at all. No problem at all.

- Carl. - Sir.

I can't afford to wait on this other team any longer.

I want you to get hold of El Paso and see if they're still available.

What about the Bears?

Hell, he'll never know the difference.

Hey, how about it?

It's cool.

Hey, guys, come on.

All right.

- Come on, let's go. - Thank God.

- I'm going right to bed. - Come on, Engelberg.

Oh, God. I'm tired.

Do you have any idea who owns that van out front?

Let's see. If I'm not mistaken,

it belongs to a ball team.

What kind of ball team?

A ball team of midgets.

That's what they looked like to me.

If you ask me, the ball team is clean.

I don't have no trouble from the little people.

Then again, you know, I can't be sure.

Oh, my God!

What in the hell is this?

All right, officers, let's get the kids right in here.

It's all over now. We're going to the joint for sure.

Come on.

All right. Why don't you sit down so I can talk to you, OK?

Hey, folks, folks, can you knock it off, please?

Can you knock it off a little?

OK, fellas.

I know from Mr. Ogilvie here that you're late for practice,

so I'm gonna make this as short as I can.

Now, first of all, who was responsible for driving that van here?

What did you guys do, take turns or something like that?

OK, we'll get back to that later.

Who does that van belong to?

OK, fellas, here's what we're going to do.

We're going to run a tracer on that vehicle

to find out if there's a problem here.

And I'm gonna ask that everybody remain here in the lobby

until we get this thing straightened out.

- Come on! - Give me a break, man!

- What'd we do? - OK, fellas, one last question.

Who's your chaperone here?

You mean our coach?

Yeah, your coach. Who is he?

He's not here right now.

Get him.

Right now?

Right now.

What's he going to do? Where's he going to go?

What about lunch?

We're gonna have lunch in the joint

because that's where we're going. The joint.

God.

Hey, thanks a lot.

Hey, Michael.

Hey, Michael Leak.

Michael?

Kelly?

Yeah. What's going on?

Not much. What are you doing here?

Playing baseball with a team called the Bears.

Got a game out here.

In Houston?

Yeah.

Thought I'd be a nice guy and stop by and say hi.

That's great.

It's just a... It's just a game.

No, I mean it's great that you stopped by.

Your cigarette.

So you're part of a team, huh?

Yeah.

What position are you playing?

Playing left.

Left field, huh?

I look different, don't I?

How's your mom?

She's OK.

You look a lot like her.

So they say.

Come on, Mike. I'm late.

Hey, I'll just sort of split.

Take it easy.

Hi, Ruth.

I want you to meet my kid, Kelly, from California.

Hey, no kidding?

What are you doing out here?

Just visiting.

That's great.

Come on, Mike. You promised.

Nice seeing you, Kelly.

Hey, listen, Michael.

We need a coach.

What?

The team. We need a coach.

Mike.

Hey, listen, I just... I'm working full time here now.

How long is it gonna take?

The game's on Sunday.

OK, you got a coach. What else can I do for you?

The team's in trouble back at the hotel.

How could they get in trouble at a hotel?

You don't know the Bears.

Stop that! Stop that! Stop that right now!

Look, I can't do anything about it. Really.

No, give us a little time.

We worked hard all season and I think...

Put out that butt, honky! Now!

Give me a break, will you?

Why don't you just go talk to her?

Hi.

I'm Coach Leak.

Look, let's, let's talk outside.

It's my old man.

Look, just so you know, I don't intend to stand in the way of their game.

Whatever happened on the road, I take it you weren't with them.

No.

Well, whatever happened, it's not my jurisdiction.

So long as they have an adult, the van checks out,

I figure let's get them to the game so they can have a good time.

All right.

- Say, you got tickets to the game? - No.

Well, I'm gonna see what I can do.

- Thanks. - OK, take care of yourself.

Yeah.

Everything's OK.

"Dear Looper,

nobody even knew that Kelly had a father.

I don't think they like each other.

Your pal, Tanner Boyle."

I don't know if anybody told you now, but we really don't need a coach.

We just need somebody to go onto the field with us.

OK.

So, we're gonna warm up for a while, and make sure we're in good shape.

OK. I'm just going to go on over here and...

If you all need me, just holler.

I'll hit some out.

All right! Let's go!

Let's get 'em. All right.

Hi.

Come on, Carmen. Right down the pipe.

Good pitching, Carmen. Good pitching.

Come on, Carmen. Let's go. Come on.

Hey, fellows, wait. Time out. Just a second.

- Hey, Kelly! - Come on!

You know, I might be a little, you know, rusty.

Just so you don't think I'm not trying to bean you or anything, you know.

Just throw the ball.

Yeah.

Here we go again.

Come on. Let's get going.

Stop kicking dirt!

That's the way. Get it over. Get it over.

OK. You got it. You got it.

I got it! I got it!

What, are you trying to kill me over here?

Go for it, Jose.

What the...

How could I miss that?

Come on, Miguel. You got it.

Come on! Are we gonna be this good in the Astrodome?

I got it! I got it!

Get the ball, Feldman.

Get the ball, Jose.

It's your ball!

Get the God damn ball, Feldman!

You get it! You hit it!

You turkeys can play by yourselves. God!

I'll get it!

Come on. Get it over, Carmen.

- Let's have some pitch. - Come on, Tanner.

Come on, Tanner. Let's go.

- Come on, Carmen! - Now, come on!

Come on, Carmen, right down the pipe. Let's go.

Put it right in there. Let's go. Let's go.

Come on, Carmen. Let's go right down the pipe.

- Carmen! - Carmen, what are you doing?

He's got to play.

You spazzie wop!

Dumb spaz!

What are you trying to do, hit me?

- Cool it, man. - He can't even pitch!

Tanner!

- We don't need you! Get off the field! - Cool it! Cool it!

- I will kill you! - Leave me alone!

Oh, God.

I'm going to kill you!

Get off of me! Get off, it hurts!

I mean it. Get off of me.

My stomach! Get off of my stomach!

I can't take it. Get off of my stomach.

Knock it off!

Hey, you guys...

What do you say? You done practicing yet?

I don't want to rush you.

I'm in no hurry.

Sir, I know things aren't looking all that sharp right now.

As a matter of fact, I'd say they're looking pretty piss poor.

Sometimes we're the Bad News Bears.

Sometimes we're just bad news, if you know what I mean.

Well, anyway, if there's anything you can do to straighten things out here,

I'm sure we'd all appreciate it.

- Yeah, yeah... - You bet.

Now, why don't we get cleaned up and go get some lunch?

I'll see what I can do.

What happened? They cut me out! I don't understand.

"When asked why they made the journey,

one young ball player said, 'We came for the Looper, '

referring to their teammate who lies in a lonely bed,

unable to attend the game."

All right, Tanner.

All right! All right!

Hey, you guys. Hey, you guys.

Now that we've got Coach Leak, what does this mean for the Toros?

Bad news for the Toros!

Let's go. Come on.

- All right. - They're not gonna let us play.

They got another team!

They have to let us play!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

Look!

What's going on here?

We didn't show up in time. And they're not gonna let us play.

Hold my glove. You guys wait here.

Come on. A little pepper ball in there, kid.

Very nice.

Hang on to that!

Great day, huh?

It's beautiful.

Couldn't be better.

Yeah.

Kids tell me you're the Budweiser guy.

- Yeah, yeah. Have a beer. - Thanks.

We're sponsoring games like this all across the country now.

Greatest thing in the world for baseball,

kind of making the American dream come true, huh?

I'm Mike Leak, Coach of the Bears.

Sy Orlansky.

Good to meet you, Sy.

Nice bunch of little ball players you got there.

I've been watching them all morning.

Those aren't the Bears.

The Bears are over there.

You mean...

Those aren't the kids in the paper?

Those are the kids in the paper.

But then, these... These are the California champs.

Hell, no. Those aren't the California champs.

There's the California champs.

I thought we were getting the California champs.

Well...

Slaytor!

Slaytor!

Hey, kid, tell your coach to come on over here, will you?

How you doing here, Sy?

Morrie, what's with the mix-up?

Well, there are no mix-ups, Sy.

We had to bring in another team, 'cause the first team was a no-show.

No show? They're standing right behind you.

Well, where the hell is their coach?

- Coach's right here. - Hi, Morrie.

I'm Mike Leak.

I've heard a lot about you.

For now... Just... Now wait a minute, fellows.

Here, you can have a beer, Morrie.

Morrie.

Come here a minute.

Tell El Paso to go home.

But, Sy, they just got here.

Morrie, Morrie, listen to me.

Look at this, the morning paper.

These kids come all the way out here on their own

to win the prize for their little friend.

That's a good story, Morrie.

People like a good story.

I want this team, Morrie, the team in the paper.

It shouldn't be such a big thing, huh?

Catch you in the Dome, Morrie.

That who we're supposed to be playing?

Yeah, guess so.

I knew they'd be wimps.

I thought they were sending us bears,

not pygmies.

Why don't you just shut your cruddy mouth, you redneck ass?

Why don't you make me, little man?

Come on, Tanner. Hey, cool it, man.

Don't worry. We'll get them later.

Come on, man. Don't worry.

Little wimps.

- Yeah, lookie here. - Yeah, lookie.

Kids, you're going to play.

All right!

- All right! All right! - A place to stay...

We still don't have a place to stay.

Yeah, what about that?

What are we gonna do?

Tanner, give Mr. Orlansky a fresh beer.

Leak, you believe me if I tell you I want these kids to be happy?

I want you to be happy.

I want the whole gol' darn world to be happy.

Well, I don't know, Sy. I've only known you a few minutes.

What would you say if I told you

Anheuser-Busch is gonna put you all up personally?

All right!

Hey.

Look at this!

- All right. - Get down.

Look, guys, look. The Astrodome!

- This is serious! All right! - We got color TV!

- Wow! - Come on!

Hey, your room's bigger.

- Hey, where are you? - 224.

You can see the Dome from our room!

OK. Let's go.

Hey, Kelly!

Everybody's in 325.

Think! Think! Think! Think!

Think! Think! Think! Think!

All right. All right. Way to go.

Engelberg, with you, it's gonna take a lot more than thinking,

but we're gonna get it done.

Surround the ball, all right? Clear it.

Right at his chest.

Each time, right? Once more, Carmen.

Think. Bad hop or anything...

That's it. Back to the plate.

Try to always aim at the First Baseman's chest.

- Once more, Carmen. - Hey.

And over to first, all right? Right through his chest.

Charge it. That's it.

Shoulder first.

Good throw. Back to the plate. That's it.

Get set, now.

Where are you going to begin?

- First. - Surround the ball. Get set.

Come on, come on. Stay with it. Pick it up. Pick it up.

Let's see the throw.

That's it. Charge it! Charge it!

That's it. Come on. Come on.

Good throw.

That's it. Now, get set.

What you wanna do is you get the ball, you take one...

And off this foot.

Now take a step.

- All right! - Good arm.

That's it. Stay with it.

Good arm. Good arm.

What do you say, handsome? You wanna try it?

Let's go. Get on there. Get set.

OK. That's it.

- Good arm. We got a champ there. - Lookin' good.

Get set on the ball, all right?

Come on, Kelly, let's go. Give it a try.

I think I could do it.

Come on... What do you mean you could do it?

Let's go. Give it a try.

Let's see your arm.

All right. Come on, Rudi, give it a shot. Let's go.

Stay down. Over the ball, right? Get set for it. Watch the ball now.

Come on, Carmen, knock it down here.

Wow! Did you see that?

Wow!

One more time. Since you're playing together. Move the ball around.

That's it. Move it to first.

Come down here, Carmen. You wanna get...

Come on, Tanner, hold on to those.

Come on. Get on it.

Come on, Tanner. That's it.

All right. Nice catch.

Yeah. Good throw.

- Now, let's go! - Oh, wow!

You guys are doing great backing each other up.

We're cooking. Let's go.

Up, up, up!

Good arm. Good stop, Toby. Way to go.

All right...

Good arm.

All right. Keep the ball in front of you. That's it.

This spells doom for the Toros.

Attack the ball.

Good try. Stay with it.

We're gonna make a shortstop out of you, Tanner,

if it's the last thing we do.

All right!

All right!

Nice catch!

Now, look, we're all using only one hand.

We got to use two hands when you catch.

Two hands. You wanna step into the ball when it's in the air.

So you're catching and throwing in the same motion.

You catch and throw in the same motion, right?

One hand, you drop the ball. You can't handle it well.

That's why you have two hands.

Come on, Toby, come in here and field some.

You hit them out.

And get rid of the cigarette for Christ's sake.

Tell me about the catcher.

That's Chip Roberts.

He was voted most valuable player three years in a row.

What about that man who just slid into second base?

That's Mick Fincher. Very fast. Stole 35 bases last season.

Thank you. You've been very helpful.

That's OK. Do you need anything else?

No. This is plenty. Yes.

Well, are you gonna stay in Texas long?

'Cause we'd really like to show you around some.

I'm sorry, but we leave right after the game.

But thanks anyway.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

I'm in love.

Nice of you to stop by, Ogilvie. Where've you been? What's cooking?

Well...

Under normal circumstances, I would pray for rain,

except it doesn't rain in the Astrodome.

That good, huh?

Last season, they were undefeated, 18-0.

Mr. Leak! Mr. Leak,

Ronzonni's getting wilder all the time.

He says he's caught between his Catfish Hunter and his Warren Spahn.

Yeah?

We'll have to help him out, huh?

Carmen, throw me that ball.

You mean just throw it?

Yeah. Throw it in here.

Appears to be all right, doesn't it?

Let's see it again.

Come again. One more.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Come on, come on. Just hit me right here in the glove once more.

- Come on. - All right.

Now listen.

Cut out the bullshit windups.

Forget about Warren Spahn and Catfish Hunter.

I want to see you throw the ball like Carmen Ronzonni.

Step up there and throw the ball.

Come on, Mike, get down now. Give him a big target.

Big target.

Just look at the glove and throw the ball.

That's all it is. Throw the ball right into the glove.

- All right! - Hey!

That's it. That's it. Come on.

Throw the ball right to the big target now, Mike.

Always give him a good target to throw to.

Hey, hey! Baby!

All right?

All right?

- All right! - Keep practicing.

Give him a good target all the time.

That's great!

You're getting it now.

Right here, Kelly. Right here.

Come on, Rudi, attack it, attack it.

Back him up. That's it. That's it.

Good throw. Good throw.

Come on. That's it, Miguel. Attaboy.

All right! What's with the cigarette business?

That's it. Stay with it. Come on, Ahmad.

Attaboy.

You know, you look silly.

Who do you think you are, my father?

You angry at me for something?

Because if you are angry at me for something

then I want to know about it.

What do you want from me?

You wanted me to be the coach of this team, so I'm the coach.

Now you want to call this whole thing quits, or what?

Put out the cruddy cigarette, Kelly.

Tell me what you want me to do.

I want nothing!

You want me to go?

Come on. Kelly, put it out.

Put out the cigarette.

Listen, pally, I'm not out here for my health. I'm out here for you.

Yeah, you sure?

Come on, you guys! Back up!

You don't do that to me! You got that?

- Come on! Let's have some. - I said, "You don't do that to me."

Get out of the way before you get hurt.

Hey, did you hear that? I said, "No one does that to me."

Come on. Move your asses. Let's go!

- We have a game to win. - Hey, I don't need you.

Hey, did you hear that? I don't need you!

All right, good catch.

- I don't need any of you! - Good throw, Ahmad.

- Go! - Did you hear that? I don't need you!

And I don't need any of you!

All right, we're moving now. We're cooking.

Hey, you're Kelly Leak, aren't you?

I hear you're pretty good.

Well, they think they're hot and shit

'cause they got their pictures in the paper.

Everyone knows they're just a bunch of flamin' Hollywood faggots.

Move.

Yes, sir.

Have you seen their coach?

Yeah. Now they got a big faggot to go along with all the little faggots.

You're dead, faggot. You're a dead man.

The temperature today hit a high of 65 degrees.

Anybody seen Kelly?

Well, his stuff is still in his room.

Well, is he playing or not?

Hey, don't worry about Kelly. He's cool. Don't worry.

Shut up, we're next!

Quiet.

Sunday's charity game at the Astrodome is almost a sellout.

But that doesn't seem to bother a group of little boys from California.

Sheila Lansing has the story.

I'm standing in a downtown hotel, where the California champs, the Bears,

are preparing for their big game Sunday at the Astrodome.

All right.

I talked with some of the players about the game.

- Ahmad? - Yeah.

All right.

How do you feel about playing in such a big place as the Astrodome?

Well, Sheila, we've worked hard all season.

And I think we've got what it takes to do the job.

Do I sound like that?

Our base running's coming along real good.

So I'd have to say I'm real positive about the game.

We're expecting a real good game.

Boy, do I sound stupid.

Hey, hey. I'm next.

Next I'll talk to right fielder,

Miguel Agilar.

All right!

What happened? I was next.

How do you feel about playing in the Astrodome?

Miguel?

This is Sheila Lansing in downtown Houston.

Good shot.

Now listen, hard-ass, you stuck me with a bunch of kids down a hotel

that say they can't play without you.

What do you want to do about that?

You gonna play or you gonna quit or what?

Don't you think your friends have a right to know?

Look, I'm sorry I got hot at you.

This whole thing's about something else.

Maybe we should think about that.

Maybe we should deal with the fact

that we're just a couple of strangers, you know?

You didn't recognize me at the plant.

You didn't know it was me, did you?

Listen, it's been a long time.

It's been eight years.

You know why I know that?

You know why I know it's been eight years?

Because on the day you left,

you gave me this little blue bicycle.

I was five years old, I was a little punk kid.

Yeah, you gave me the bicycle, thinking if I accepted it,

I'd accept the deal.

Well, you were wrong.

I didn't accept that bicycle.

It's eight years old, it's untouched, and it's still in my basement.

Listen, you want to be your own man, right?

Well, you got to remember one thing.

Being angry at me for the mistakes I've made

ain't gonna change what happened.

Maybe.

Tell me something.

If you didn't need a coach,

would you have looked me up?

You should think about that.

"Dear Looper, today's the game.

I hope we win.

But it will be hard without Kelly.

Your pal, Tanner Boyle."

Miguel, what's it like?

Yeah. What, is it big or what?

What about Kelly? Did anyone talk to him?

Hey, hey, hey. He'll be here. Don't worry. He'll be here.

Hey, Bears, you got five minutes.

- God... - Well, when's he coming?

Soon.

How do you know that?

Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You guys play baseball all the time, don't you?

Yeah, but not without Kelly.

How are we gonna play without him?

The same way you play with him...

The best that you can.

Come on. Let's go. Pull your chairs up.

Let's get this straight.

All we've got to do is concentrate on what we worked on.

What we've worked on was thinking, right?

We've worked on using our heads, all right?

That's where our skills are. You can use your head to the plate,

you can use your heads in the field on defense.

Before Ogilvie reads off the lineup, anybody got anything they want to say?

I got something to say.

We all know that Timmy couldn't come with us,

but if we go out there

and win one for the Looper...

He'll know about it, and he'll be happy.

Kelly! Kelly!

OK, Bears, let's go.

Well, what are we waiting for?

All right!

I knew you would be here.

What does this mean to the Toros?

Bad news for the Toros!

OK! Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Ladies and gentlemen,

as a special between-games attraction for you this afternoon,

the Houston Astrodome in connection with the Anheuser-Busch Corporation

is presenting a special four-inning game

between the undefeated state champions of Texas,

the Houston Toros,

and the pride of the West Coast,

the California Bears!

Those are the kids I was telling you about.

Yeah, yeah.

Get 'em up!

Nice throw. Nice throw. Let's go.

I'm never gonna make it.

Hold on there a minute, son.

There you go.

My God. You just saved my life.

All right!

Hey, Ronzonni.

Let's go, boy!

Let's play ball!

Leading off for the Toros,

second baseman, Leon Waterson.

Come on. Hey, batter.

Strike.

Strike two!

Strike three! You're out!

All right, Carmen!

All right!

All right, you guys, we got one.

Tanner!

You did it!

All right!

Way to go, Tanner.

Let's go. Let's go. You can do it, Carmen. You can do it.

Strike!

Hey, Mac! What do you say?

All right, Carmen! Nobody gets on base. No!

Come on.

Come on. Play at second. Second!

All right, Ahmad, way to use your head.

Way to go.

What do you say now, Frenchy? What do you say, kid?

- All right. - Mr. Leak, there's a fast man on first.

Keep your eye on him, Carmen.

Take your time, Carmen. Come on. Bear down.

All right, all right, all right. Go ahead! Run!

He's going!

- No! - Hey!

- Tanner, did you get it in the shin? - Come on.

Are you OK?

I hope it didn't hurt the baby bear.

Come on, guys.

Come on, get back to your positions. Come on.

You all right?

Just let me play!

Hey, wait a second.

- How's your leg, is it all right? - Yeah.

I don't want you to play if you're hurt.

Are you sure you're gonna be able to play?

Yeah.

Maybe I'll bring Ogilvie out here, put him on short, huh?

All right, let's go.

- OK, batter. - All right, Carmen!

Chip Roberts.

He can't throw him a fast ball.

Carmen, number three, babe. Three.

He can't throw him a change-up, either.

A two-run home.

At the end of one half inning, the score is the Houston Toros, 2,

the California Bears, nothing.

Way to go, Carmen. Way to pitch. Way to use your head out there, Ahmad.

We'll get 'em back. We'll get it back. No sweat.

Show them. Let's go.

- Use your head up there, Tanner. - Shortstop Tanner Boyle.

Pitching for the Toros, Ed Simpson.

Hey, give him a toothpick.

Aim at my shoelaces.

You better shut up, you redneck.

OK, boy, come on now, let's play now.

- Come on! - Shut up!

Come on, big fella. Let's play ball.

Dumbass.

OK! Come on, let's go!

Come on, Tanner, now think.

Come on, now. Come on! Hustle!

Come on! Come on, hustle! Hustle!

You're out!

With one out, the batter, center fielder Ahmad Abdul Rahim.

All right now, Ahmad. Come on, man. Think.

- Give this guy a look. Give him a look. - Come on, man.

This guy ain't got nothing.

He's out!

All right, Michael, you're the boss in there now.

Be tough. Let's go.

Hey, look what we got here.

We got a big enough target.

Don't pay any attention to him.

- Come on, Mike. - Batter! Batter!

Run, you big lard-ass!

- Out! - All right!

After one inning, the score remains

the Houston Toros, 2, the California Bears, nothing.

Give him that mask, Ogilvie. All right, Mike. Big target now. Let's go.

Come on, Carmen, burn it in. Burn it in.

Ball four. Take your base.

Man. That was a strike!

Same place. Same place, catch.

Bear down. Think. Throw strikes.

What is this, a baseball game or the Fourth of July?

That runs the score to the Houston Toros, 5,

the Bears, nothing.

After an inning and a half, the Bears coming to bat.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead!

Stand up. Stand up. Hold up!

Come on, you got one of the Marx Brothers up here.

Come on, Toby, now. Let's move him around.

Way to go! Way to hustle!

One down, Kelly. One out.

- Protect yourself. - Fire 'em in there. Let's go!

All right, Miguel. Come on, you're the boss.

Tag up. Tag up.

Go, go, go!

Come on! He's coming home.

Throw the ball!

He's out!

Easy out.

All right!

Now the score after two complete innings

is the Toros, 5, the Bears, nothing.

OK, I'm sorry. But the game's called. We're out of time.

Time!

Game is called.

- It's not over yet. - I'm sorry. It's all over.

- It's ain't over. - I can't help it.

Let's go home, fellas. That's it!

Can they do that?

No, they can't do that.

Hey.

Hey, you guys, where you going? What about the Looper?

We're not finished!

You said we had a four-inning game going on here.

We're out of time. You didn't play it fast enough.

Don't play what faster? A game is a game.

The game is called. Who's ahead?

- He's ahead. - You win the game.

We won it!

The game is over. That's all.

Let the kids play the game, will you? Why are you shutting it off for?

We're not finished!

The game isn't over yet!

They said four innings!

- How you doing? - Hey.

It's Bob Watson and Cesar Cedeno.

Hey, Cesar!

- What's up, fellas? - All right!

We were supposed to have four innings, and they only let us have two.

How's your game going?

We'll meet you in the park, Morrie.

Sonny.

We'll settle this in the park.

You guys got a lot of pull around here, I see.

Hey, you guys. Look at Tanner.

Look at Tanner.

All right!

Go! Take that.

Leave me alone! The game ain't over.

Come on, Tanner. Come on, Tanner.

I don't know.

Look at the little kid.

- Leave me alone! - Come on!

Go, Tanner!

Go!

Come back here. Come back here right now!

- No! - Come back here!

Come on, Tanner.

Come on! Let the kids play.

Let them play. Let them play.

Let them play. Let them play.

Let them play. Let them play.

Let them play. Let them play.

Let them play. Let them play.

- Let them play. - Let them play.

- Let them play. - Let them play.

- Let them play. - Let them play.

Let them play.

Let them play.

Let them play. Let them play.

Let them play.

Let them play.

Let them play. Let them play.

All right!

It's the top of the third inning.

The Houston Toros at bat with one out.

Scott York is on first base. Les Kern at bat.

Here we go again, you guys.

You're out!

After two-and-a-half innings, the score remains 5 to nothing.

You better back up, sucker. I feel good.

Strike!

You feel good, huh?

Strike two.

Let's go.

I feel better than ever.

Run like a butterfly, sting like a bee,

I rounded second and I'm standing on three!

You're a hitter now.

All right, pal. Let's go.

The score after three innings, the Toros, 5, the Bears, 2.

All right, Carmen. Come on! Let's go!

Yeah!

We're getting it going now!

We're getting it going! Yes!

Come on!

Strike!

Come on! Watch the ball, will you?

Keep your head up!

Strike three! You're out!

Ball... Somebody hit the ball, will you?

All right!

OK, calm down.

Run, run, run!

Mr. Leak, Fincher on first again.

Time out.

Keep that ball under your glove, right?

You just keep looking at Engelbuns for a little bit of a signal.

All right? When he leads off, tag him out.

Let's go! Come on, come on...

Come on, Carmen!

Hold your breath.

Get up! Get up! Get up! That's it!

- I got him! - He's out.

I got him!

Come on! Not like that!

Bunch of cheap freaking California faggots.

Come on. Keep alive out there!

In the bottom of the fourth, the score remains,

the Houston Toros, 5,

the California Bears, 2.

Last inning, you clods. Let's get 'em!

All right!

Base run, base runners. Let's go.

Now, come on.

What more do you want?

Ogilvie!

Come on! You're a hitter, Ogilvie. Let's go!

All right!

- Out! - Hold up.

Toby! In the air, you go halfway.

If it goes through, take third.

Come on, you're supposed to be the home run king.

- Strike one! - Come on, Kelly, you're the boss!

Come on, Kelly, put me in!

Let's see something.

Let's go.

Hold up!

Way to go.

All right, handsome. Let's go.

- There's one. - Strike one.

I'm going to hit it.

Strike two!

Come on, handsome! I want to see you down here.

Strike three. You're out!

Toby, two outs, two down. You go in on anything.

I want to see something.

Bring them in. Move them around!

You're the tying run. Let's go!

Come on, Simp. Strike him out.

- You want a runner? - No, it's OK.

All right, stay on that bag.

- Stay awake, Kel. - Let's get him out.

Two down.

All right, heads up now, Carmen. You're the winning run.

What do you say, Carmen?

Hey! That's what we're here for, right?

Go!

We want a hit!

We want a hit!

Ball!

Come on, Carmen.

Stay awake!

Everybody, go.

Come on, Carmen!

Come on now!

Put it in here.

Go! Go! Come on.

Throw the ball!

Go!

Go home!

Go! Go!

Come on!

Safe!

Hey, we did all right, didn't we?

Yeah.

Hey...

Remember when you asked me if I would have

stopped by if we didn't need a coach?

I was wrong. I would have.

All right.