Original subtitles

Hello, everybody.

Thank you for the press for joining us to document

this very important presidential transition. Me?

I've been serious right now.

Even though we disagree.

I'm eager to sit down for a respectful conversation.

Yeah, I get a lot of me.

Instead of being rude

and crazy like usual, I'm doing quiet and serene,

which in many ways is a lot scarier.

I'm going to sit here and smile

while ignoring the giant fire right behind me.

Just like that meme, can we put it up side by side?

And this is fine.

It does look like that.

We love.

This is fine, dog.

All right.

We're going to ask you reporters to leave so we can be alone.

And we're going to talk details.

That's right. We're going to have

just two bombers here talking about nukes.

We lost some.

We don't know where they are.

Anyway, have a good day.

Thank you everyone.

You can screen your questions on the way out.

What's going to happen?

Should I go to Canada?

All right.

Now that we're alone, let's get to war.

We're going to go over that.

Last year, everyone survived the NATO briefings.

How does that sound?

Oh, I forgot how boring President is.

Love running.

Hate being.

And I hate the white House.

So old, so dated. So

many of the carpets are stinky and sticky at the same time.

Sort of like being at a Regal Cinemas now.

Don't live here for the next four years, possibly longer.

Come on, let's be real, man.

This place is great.

I have so many wonderful memories here.

Doctor Jill Hobson, foreign leaders.

My dog attacking every single one.

I brought my partner

together so much, they teamed up and kicked me out.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I hate it here too.

Slow down.

I know it's awful, but I can't go back to Mar a

Lago, Joe, because Elon is there and he will not leave.

It's like, what about Bob?

He's walking around

in his bathing suit, showing me videos of rockets and

monkeys with computers in their heads.

This guy|s cringe AF

Oh, you're the president now.

You can just say anything you want to say.

You got to watch how you talk

because you got a lot of superpower power.

But power puff puff daddy, baby daddy,

daddy, daddy riding on a pony call macaroni.

Wow. What the hell was that?

Did you just do the weave?

Oh. Come on, man.

It's my own version of the wave.

I call it the launder.

And go here, I go there, so I come back.

Guess what? No.

All right, well, thanks for your advice,

but I already know how to do it.

It's all about surrounding yourself with the best people.

And I am very fastly picking the most epic cabinet of all time.

There's some of the most dynamic, free thinking.

Animal killing, sexually

criminal, medically crazy people in the country.

Who are you thinking about?

Well, we've got Ellen and Matt Gates.

That's an alien versus predator.

You have,

you got.

We got Kristi Noem and RFK Jr.

They're killing the dogs.

They're killing the bears.

And Melania will be working

remotely from divorce.

See what you're doing.

These nominations.

You're picking a bunch of wacko jacko's and test out compliant.

The senator will be with your policy.

Yep. That's what I'm doing.

It's all part of a very smart plan

that I definitely thought of before you just said that.

Mr. president,

it's not on your agenda, but Matt Gates is here to see Mr.

Trump.

All right, well.

Hello, Mr.

Trump, thank you for having me.

And, Yeah, thank you for seeing me.

And might I say giggity giggity.

Giggity to you as well? Matt.

I don't want to bother you.

I just wanted to thank you for nominating me

for attorney general.

I'm going to do a great job.

If anyone tries

to break the law, I'll tell them what I told.

My eyebrows freeze.

Come on.

Are you serious with these guys?

Guys, give me the pick.

Me too.

But I think he's going to be derivative.

Of course, I had to resign from Congress

because the confirmation process comes

at the busiest time of year for me.

The holidays. Girls volleyball season.

Anyway, I'll leave you be.

You've got another Jack King here to see you, RFK Jr.

Bobby.

Hey, I don't mean to interrupt you.

I just wanted to tell you again.

I'm so honored to be the head of the Health

and Human Services Department.

Americans need someone to teach them how to be healthy.

Someone like me, a 70 year old man with movie

star looks and a worm in his brain.

Bobby, I love you.

I can't

wait to see what you do with this country

in terms of health and with regard to the measles outbreak.

I care deeply about a woman's right to choose

to choose to give her child polio.

I just wish people would take my appointment more seriously.

All right, I gotta go.

I got a dead dolphin in my car.

I think I might

stop in half and dump it in Central Park.

I'll let you know.

Hey, I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks for the job, man.

All right.

Hey, sentence.

No, Ron.

Don, let's get serious.

Or so I gotta tell you something.

I know your campaign was all about retribution,

but think of the opportunity you have to rise above it

and reach across the aisle

and use your enormous force personality.

Better the lives of all Americans.

I think

we'll be doing retribution, but that's very interesting.

You got to remember this.

You got off easy.

I think we both know if I was in the race,

I would have beat you like a drum.

Joe. That's one of the craziest

things I've ever heard anyone say.

And for that reason, I'd like to offer

you a position in my cabinet.

Okay, dude, you

need to make, take a little time off from this place.

What do you think you'll do next, Joe?

Will you retire?

I'll do whatever worn down old guy does.

Come on to fight Jake Paul.

Live from New York

It's Saturday Night

It's Saturday Night Live.

with...

Host and musical guest Charlie XCX

Ladies and gentlemen,

Charli XCX

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.

My name is Charlie XCX

But they refuse to recognize me.

You might know me

from my album brat, but don't worry if you don't.

There is nothing wrong with being straight.

Okay, so a little about me.

I actually started performing when I was really young,

and I played at my first rave when I was 15 years old.

My parents actually drove me there.

And if you're wondering,

how did I get my parents to drive me to arrive?

Well, I just told them, guys, I've got swim practice

at who I am

in a warehouse full of guys.

No, but seriously, I've come a long way, and today

I consider myself to be a triple threat.

Which in England means I sing,

I drink, and I smoke.

Speaking of singing, I want to take a moment to thank

someone who's been there for me my entire career.

Auto-Tune this auto

tune makes everything sound better.

Even really bad news.

Like this. Watch.

I'm breaking up with you.

I'm gonna look up with your dad.

See what I have to.

Say, brat.

Summer has been a crazy experience.

So many people have asked me, what is bra?

And honestly, it's just like an attitude.

It's a vibe.

For example, the new Martha Stewart documentary

When Martha gets mad about an old magazine article

and she says that she's glad

the journalist who wrote it is dead.

That is brat.

And then last Friday, when that exact

journalist responded and said, hey, I'm alive, bitch.

That is extremely bad.

Honestly though, anyone can be.

Really.

Even me

Oh Kyle Mooney

What is your favorite kind of club?

Probably turkey. Okay.

And what's your favorite kind of drug.

I take Clairton.

Over the counter.

Hard. Cool.

And if someone spilled a drink

on you at the club, what would you say?

No worries.

Carry on. Malade.

Oh, I've never had that before.

So what do you say?

Am I a brat? No.

Oh, good.

Luck.

Keeping it real is very bra.

Bra is all about being vulnerable.

So truly, this is a dream come true.

I am so excited to be here.

And I'm not used to being out this early on a Saturday night,

so you guys, it's worth it because we've got a great show.

For you tonight.

And we'll be right back.

>>> OKAY, AND THE FINAL ANSWER

IN "GUESS THAT BABY FOOD" IS --

GERBER PUREED BEEF AND HAM!

>> OKAY, ME ACTUALLY LIKING IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, THAT WAS SO FUN.

OKAY, SWITCHING GEARS.

LET'S GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE

TO THE MILF OF THE HOUR, MY

COUSIN KELSEY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> AWW!

LOVE YOU!

YOU KILLED REHAB!

WELCOME BACK.

>> LET'S NOT FORGET ABOUT THE

PAPA TO BE.

KIDDING.

JUST FOUR WEEKS TILL WE MEET OUR

LITTLE ONE.

>> I WOULD NOW LIKE TO INVITE UP

KELSEY'S BESTIES, AKA KEL-SQUAD!

>> WHAT UP?

INSTEAD OF A GIFT, WE'RE GOING

TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR

Y'ALL BECAUSE WE'RE A LITTLE BIT

ARTISTIC AND A LITTLE BIT

RANDOM.

>> LAST MONTH, WE TOOK KELSEY ON

ONE LAST GIRL'S TRIP, A BESTIES

BABYMOON.

>> I THINK THE BABYMOON IS

NORMALLY FOR THE COUPLE BUT

QUEENS GOTTA BE QUEENS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> LET'S JUST SAY KELSEY WAS HOT

TO GO ON OUR VACAY, SO WE WROTE

A SPECIAL SONG ABOUT IT.

THEY SAY EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN

TEXAS.

>> BUT KELSEY'S ALREADY EFFING

HUGE, SO WE WENT TO MIAMI!

>> FIVE, SIX, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN,

EIGHT!

* KELSEY IS OUR BESTIE GOT TO BE

A MAMA *

* SO WE TOOK A TRIP IN MY

HYUNDAI SONATA *

* JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE PREGNANT

DON'T MEAN YOU'RE A BEGANMY *

* KELSEY COULDN'T FLY SO WE

DROVE TO MIAMI *

* WE WENT TO THE SPA BUT KELSEY

GOT TO TOP IT ALL *

* WE SAY KELSEY GET OFF YOUR

PHONE *

* BECAUSE WE KNOW WHO SHE'S

TEXTING KNOW WHO SHE'S TEXTING *

* D-O-M-I-N-G-O *

* SHE'S SENDING HIM HER PREGNANT

NEWS *

>> WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED?

>> OH, MY GOD, BABE, JUST LISTEN

TO THE WHOLE SONG BEFORE YOU

MAKE, LIKE, A SNAP JUDGMENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY, WELL THE SONG JUST

STARTED AND WE'RE ALREADY AT

PREGNANT NEWS.

* DANCING AT THE CLUB KELSEY'S

HAD IT *

* TAKE HER TO THE BATHROOM AND

SHE JUST STARTS SHOUTING *

* SHE SAYS EIGHT MONTHS AGO IS A

LITTLE BIT HAZY *

* I'M 90% SURE IT'S NOT

DOMINGO'S BABY *

>> WAIT, WHAT?

THERE'S A CHANCE IT ISN'T EVEN

MY KID?

>> HEY, BABE, ARE YOU LISTENING?

I SAID 90% NOT HIS BABY.

TRUST THE MATH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

* NOW WE CAN FINALLY SEE WHY

KELSEY BROUGHT US TO MIAMI *

* SHE HAS THE ADDRESS OF HIS

CHILDHOOD HOME *

* SHE NEEDS TO TELL FAMILY THEY

COMPLETELY EMBRACE HER *

>> IS THE POINT OF THIS SONG

THAT YOU SAW DOMINGO IN MIAMI?

>> NO, THE POINT IS IT IS HOT TO

GO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

* D-O-M-I-N-G-O *

* KELSEY'S LEARNING ESPANOL *

* D-O-M-I-N-G-O *

* GET ON YOUR DUOLINGO *

>> I KNEW I HEARD YOU SPEAKING

SPANISH THE BATHROOM.

* WE DON'T KNOW WHERE KELSEY'S

BEEN *

* LOOK HER UP ON FIND MY

FRIENDS *

* SHE'S STANDING IN THE OCEAN

LIKE SHE DON'T GIVE A DAMN *

* THEN SHE PULLS OUT THE

SONOGRAM *

* SHE SAYS WE CAME TO MIAMI

'CAUSE SHE FOUND OUT THE

PATERNITY *

* THE DOCTOR SAYS IT IS TWINS

AND ONE IS MATTHEW'S AND ONE IS

DOMINGO'S *

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THAT IS BIOLOGICALLY

IMPOSSIBLE.

>> OKAY, MIRACLES HAPPEN EVERY

DAY.

>> I'M GOING TO ASK YOU A

QUESTION, AND I WANT YOU TO BE

HONEST WITH ME.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW

DOMINGO?

>> IT IS TODAY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* HEY MY BROTHER AREN'T YOU

HAPPY *

* HEARING FROM DOMINGO WE BOTH

ARE DADDIES *

* DOMINGO GONNA BE IN YOUR LIFE

FOREVER *

* WE'LL RAISE OUR BABIES IN

MIAMI TOGETHER *

>> WAIT, WE'RE MOVING TO MIAMI?

>> YEAH.

IF YOU WANT TO COPARENT.

>> CAN WE HAVE A WATER BIRTH?

I HAVE A HOT TUB!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!

* D-O-M-I-N-G-O *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Audiences cannot wait to see the star studded cast.

It was a month before production.

Screen actors across Hollywood auditioned to step foot in arms.

Here are their never before seen screen tests.

Okay, Jojo Siwa reading for Glinda popular.

You're going to be popular.

I may be a gateway, but.

I'm still a bad girl.

Okay, testing for Elphaba. Adele.

Oh, hello.

Can I take my shoes off?

Okay. Adele.

Okay. Wicked.

Oh, my God,

I said the name of the bloody movie shop King sunny.

Next we have Shannon Sharpe.

What's up? He is agreeing with you.

The good one, the good. We know what the bad is.

What? Awful.

You going to tell me you made it? Monkeys fly.

Come alone. Elphaba.

Fran Lebowitz for Madame Marvel.

This is why people pretend it's an Emerald City.

It's an Emerald city, but it's a yellow brick road.

Everyone saying ding dong.

The witches said, what are you, a?

Next up, Sydney Sweeney.

Hello.

We are you like, a wizard or whatever?

Oh, Rambo.

Bernie Sanders for the mayor of Munchkinland.

We are sending millions.

And billions to the wizard.

Meanwhile, the.

Munchkins are living paycheck to paycheck.

Sebastian Maniscalco.

So, doctor dilemma.

I take my first little step in decision diversity.

You heard it. It's.

They gotta go for a teacher.

I gotta get out of here.

Take it somewhere else.

Why would you do that, Martha Stewart?

Some people are born wicked, while others have wickedness

thrust upon them.

You know, someone thrust upon me once.

Wonderful Irish mum.

Reading for Glinda and Elphaba.

We have Charlie and Troy survive.

Can I call you Alfie? No.

I earned buddy, too, because I'm a bitch and you're a witch.

I'm confused.

I'm not a wheat charmer.

All next is.

Al Pacino for his munchkins.

And this. Right.

So maybe I could say something like.

Say hello to my little friend.

You know, I died once,

and there was nothing.

Next stop, Leslie Mann for Glinda. You.

Why are you green?

I would love to be green, but,

I'm like a mom.

Janet Jackson reading for Elphaba.

And what movie is this for?

It's for wicked.

Oh, I don't want to be in this. No.

Margy Madison for menorah.

I. Hey, maybe you want to go to a private room

and meet the wizard, but you don't have any cash.

I'll just go to an ATM in Oz.

Bad Bunny is screen testing for Sierra.

There you go. That's great.

Any chance we could get it again in English? No.

Oh. Oh.

We now return.

To the Thanksgiving Baking Championship.

Okay, bakers, time is up.

Today's theme was Thanksgiving bounty.

And you had two hours to create cakes worth giving thanks for.

And as an extra challenge, you had to include

a mechanical element to bring your cake to life.

First up is home baker Leah.

Hi, judges.

I love Thanksgiving and I hope you love my cake.

Oh. You're adorable.

Tell us what you've made.

Well, my cake honors

the man who organized the first Thanksgiving.

The governor of Plymouth, Mr. William Bradford.

He may be a puritan, but this cake is pure delicious

with tempered chocolate marshmallow beard.

And instead of flour, I use sweetened cornmeal.

Or should I say maize meal?

Wow, you did all that in two hours?

Yes, sir, somehow I did.

All right, well, let's see it. Okay.

I messed up.

Leo, sweetie.

What happened?

I think, time got away from me.

And also, I think I might be stupid,

you know?

I get that, yeah, it is the popcorn on its head.

Supposed to be the maize.

I don't I don't know, I don't know what maize is.

Okay.

And what about your mechanical element?

Oh, right. Yeah.

You guys just let me turn it on.

Oh, no.

Is that what you meant to happen?

I don't know what I meant.

I have embarrassed myself and my homeland.

Where are you from?

I'm from here. Goodbye.

Okay, well, that's too bad.

But next up, from across the pond, let's say hi to Juliana.

Hello.

First of all, pumped to be here.

And secondly, we Brits.

We don't have Thanksgiving, so this might get a bit hairy.

Well, why don't you tell us what you made?

With pleasure.

Basically made the first thing I thought of, which is Turkey.

So this handsome boy's feathers

are hazelnut fondant airbrushed with iridescent icing.

And his wattle is made from homemade sticky toffee.

Toffee.

Gobble, gobble. Am I right?

Wow, that sounds amazing.

It does sound like that doesn't have.

Let's see.

Oh, right. Up.

Wow. That's not what you described at all.

Yeah. It's bad.

I messed up.

Can we see your animated element?

I'm not sure you want to say.

It. Oh, my.

Can we show this on TV?

I asked, ma'am just to take my time.

Okay, well, let's go ahead and taste your cake.

Okay.

Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow.

Is that actual turkey meat?

It might be.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

I'm dying. My go.

What is your cake doing now?

Oh, that's the stuffing.

I think his body is rejecting it.

Dear God.

Next up is Sandi.

Hello, judges.

I hate to toot my own cake, but I think what I did

today is a Thanksgiving feast for the eyes.

Okay.

Next up is Ralph.

That's it. Why?

You just want it. Too bad.

Well, it's a lot better than her cake,

which is ruining Thanksgiving.

Okay.

Just rest at me.

Sandi, that's on you.

Finally, we go to Ralph.

We've had a lot of fun here today, and Thanksgiving is fun.

But it's also a time for connection with family.

A family

that might not always see eye to eye,

but with a little luck and patience.

Might just be able to see heart to heart.

That's why I made this.

And you use dark chocolate?

Yes, ma'am.

And the turkey's a nine inch dildo.

Wow. We have a tough decision to make.

Yeah. How?

* THERE IS SOMETHING ON MY MIND

FOR A LONG TIME *

* A SPECIAL PASSION OF MINE I DO

IT EVERY CHANCE THAT I FIND *

* SO NEXT TIME YOU WALK PAST AND

THROW AWAY YOUR TRASH *

* I'LL PICK UP THE PHONE AND

THEN DO WHAT I DO BEST *

* NOW HERE I GO I'MA REPORT YOU

TO THE COPS *

* HERE I GO

I'MA REPORT YOU TO THE COPS *

* AND ALL MY NEIGHBORS THINK I'M

RIGHT *

* I'VE BEEN ITCHING TO DO SOME

SNITCHING *

* IN MY KITCHEN IT'S MY

CONDITION *

* PICKING UP THAT PHONE *

* AND I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO DO THIS ANYMORE *

* BUT DOES IT HELP TO KNOW THAT

WHO I SNITCHED ON WAS WHITE *

* WE CAN ALL RELAX AND ENJOY

THIS INCREDIBLE SONG *

* ABOUT CAUSING THE PIGS TO

[ BLEEP ] *

* HAVING THE CAKE AND EATING IT

TOO *

* I BAKED THE CAKE AND ATE THE

CAKE *

* HELL, YEAH HELL, YEAH HELL,

YEAH HELL, YEAH *

* NOW HERE I GO

I'MA REPORT YOU TO THE COPS *

* THEY'RE ALL WHITE *

* HERE I GO

I'MA REPORT YOU TO THE COPS *

* GONNA SLEEP LIKE A BABY

TONIGHT NOW MAKE WAY FOR MY

WIFE *

* NOW HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE

'CAUSE I'M GONNA CALL *

* THEY'RE GONNA ROLL UP ANY

MINUTE *

* I PAY MY [ BLEEP ] TAXES *

* THEY CAN ONLY MAKE ME FEEL

GIDDY *

* PULL UP WITHIN TWO CENTIMETERS

OF MY DRIVEWAY BITCH *

* WE HAVE NO ONE LIKE YOU TO

SHOW UP THE WAY WE DO *

* WHEN I GET MY BINOCULARS ON

THE FRONT LAWN I SAW YOU

LOOKING *

* HAVE FUN AT CENTRAL BOOKING *

* NOW HERE I GO

I'M REPORTING YOU TO THE COPS *

* THE COP YEAH THE COP THE

COPITY COP *

* THE COPITY COP *

* THEN I WALK OUTSIDE LIKE

WHAT'S GOING ON *

* EVERYONE'S GONNA KNOW IT WAS

ME *

* BUT THEY CAN'T SAY [ BLEEP ]

BECAUSE I REPORTED IT

ANONYMOUSLY *

* HERE I GO

I'M REPORTING YOU TO THE COPS *

* BUT YOU BETTER BELIEVE I'LL

SHOW UP FOR THAT COURT DATE

YEAH *

* HERE I GO *

* HELL YA *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

What is up, everybody?

Welcome to Banger Boys, the podcast

that goes forward every single week.

I'm Mark, that's Duggan, and PJ is all eyes.

Plus over here, our producer Kara. Hey.

So, guys, we got a lot to cover today.

Duggan's got a hilarious story about getting his sack

punched by an Insta baddie back.

And then we'll discuss how they built the pyramids.

But first, how about a man Trump, Oh, dude.

He's awesome.

I can't believe he was on our podcast.

Like two weeks ago. Dude.

I don't want to jinx it or anything,

but I feel like Trump could actually win this thing.

Duggan he did win

last Tuesday.

But you want.

To do.

This second.

Yeah.

Before we get to all that and the sponsors, Kara.

Vengaboys is brought to you by cargo condom,

the only condoms with pockets, cargo condoms.

And by then junior nicotine pouches for kids.

All the nicotine with that great cherry flavor.

Then junior. Sick.

So yeah.

President Trump's president now and he like

said that being on banger boys helped him with young voters.

That is so sick. Yeah.

And we all got to hang with him.

That was wild I know right.

We did the podcast on his plane. So baller.

Yeah, it was awesome. Dude.

They asked us to meet at the secret airport, and it's called

Titty Baby.

It it's called Teterboro.

Right.

But we got on his plane

and we talked to Trump for, like, two hours.

And then when it was over, he kicked us off the plane

in, like, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

And we had to, like, find our own way back.

It was just.

That Greyhound bus smell.

Crazy.

Total road trip. Guys.

We got to talk.

Mike Tyson v Jake Paul.

But first some sponsors.

Banger Boys and sponsored by Topgolf.

Find out which one of your coworkers

is an alcoholic at guts and by MailChimp.

Do you have a female chimp and need a male one?

While this guy named Doug has a male chance?

Sick.

Wait, dude, is that your phone?

Whoa. Sorry, bro. Yeah,

it says it for more a longer.

Answer it, bro. All right, all right, all right.

Hello. Oh. Hi, sir.

Yeah. Okay. Go.

Oh, what was that about? Oh.

Oh, dude. That was trouble.

He said that he's naming me the secretary of the Commerce

One week, Secretary of commerce.

What even is that?

I think it means he's in charge of, like, all the commercials.

All of them, I think so, yeah.

Yeah, bro, first thing, I'm going to do an offense.

I'm going to fire that little Geico snake.

Snake digging.

It's a gecko.

It's a snake, bro.

It's a statement he likes bro.

No snakes on have legs. Remember?

That's what makes them snakes.

So do you disagree?

My brother?

Hey, guys. You know.

I'm not sure that's what Secretary of Commerce is about.

Like, I think it's about, like, international trade war.

Okay. Relax. Relax.

I don't think that's right.

Okay, let's talk about Fridays.

Fine.

So, listen,

Jake Paul is obviously a friend

of the pod, and his beard rules.

But is it weird that he fought Mike Tyson?

Guess like 58 years old.

What's wrong with that?

My dad's 64 and still kicks my ass every week.

Digging for real?

Yeah. Like on Wednesday.

I called him worse and,

he picked me up over his head and just threw me off our deck.

Yeah, I hit my head so hard I can't even take it anymore.

My dad's hilarious.

So crazy.

The sponsor care? Yeah.

Bangor Boys is sponsored by warm plunges, cold plunges.

They just got a hell of a lot

more comfortable with warm plunge

Pube Wacker

Be very careful,

Hey! Hold up.

That's my phone.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay.

You too, sir.

So now it's Trump.

I'm the new ambassador to Iran.

PJ, you were going to body that job, dude.

So cool. Right?

I don't know if I want to do that.

Do you think I have to, like, live the Earth?

Oh, no. Maybe you can do it on zoom.

Okay, well, let's let PJ figure this out, then.

Do it.

Tonight we're going to talk about

how the pyramids were created, bro.

Aliens?

No, it's a pulley system.

It's, It's like ropes.

Which means it's going.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S

CHARLI XCX!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

* I WENT MY OWN WAY

AND I MADE IT

I'M YOUR FAVORITE REFERENCE

BABY *

* CALL ME GABBRIETTE

YOU'RE SO INSPIRED

AHH AHH *

* I'M TECTONIC

MOVES I MAKE 'EM

SHOCK YOU LIKE

DEFIBRILLATORS *

* NO STYLE I CAN'T RELATE

I'LL ALWAYS BE THE ONE

AHH *

* DROP DOWN YEAH

PUT THE CAMERA FLASH ON

SO STYLISH

BABY TEE IS ALL GONE *

* DROP DOWN YEAH

LOOKIN' LIKE AN ICON

WORK ANGLES *

* YEAH 360

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIRROR

DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? *

* WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIRROR

YOU'RE JUST LOOKING AT *

* I'M EVERYWHERE

I'M SO JULIA

AH-AH AHH *

* WHEN YOU'RE IN THE PARTY

B-B-BUMPIN' THAT BEAT

666 WITH A PRINCESS STREAK *

* I'M EVERYWHERE

I'M SO JULIA HEY

AH-AH AHH *

**

* BUMPIN' THAT

BUMPIN' THAT

BUMPIN' THAT *

* THAT CITY

SEWER SLUT'S THE VIBE

INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED *

* I SET THE TONE

IT'S MY DESIGN

AND HEY HEY *

* LEGACY IS UNDEBATED

YOU GON' JUMP

IF A.G. MADE IT *

* IF YOU LOVE IT

IF YOU HATE IT

I DON'T I DON'T CARE

WHAT YOU THINK *

* DROP DOWN YEAH

PUT THE CAMERA FLASH ON

SO STYLISH

BABY TEE IS ALL GONE *

* DROP DOWN YEAH

LOOKIN' LIKE AN ICON

WORK ANGLES *

* YEAH 360

WHEN YOU 'RE IN THE MIRROR

DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? *

* WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIRROR

YOU'RE JUST LOOKING AT *

* I'M EVERYWHERE

I'M SO JULIA

AH-AH AHH *

* WHEN YOU'RE IN THE PARTY

B-B-BUMPIN' THAT BEAT

666 WITH A PRINCESS STREAK *

* I'M EVERYWHERE

YEAH

AH-AH AHH *

**

* BUMPIN' THAT

THAT'S RIGHT

BUMPIN' THAT

AH-AH AHH *

* BUMPIN' THAT

BUMPIN' THAT

BUMPIN' THAT

AH-AH AHH *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update.

Joe and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael che.

I'm Colin Jost.

This week, Donald Trump continued to announce

everyone he's going to fire in six months.

Trump nominated Kristi Noem to lead the department

of Homeland Security.

Lee Zeldin to head the EPA

and Elise Stefanik as ambassador to the UN.

And then someone yelled, now do a silly one!

On Wednesday, Trump nominated Matt Gates

for attorney general, and gates said the same thing he does

when he sees a teenage girl.

I'll do it.

Gates, who was created

when Frankenstein raped Dracula.

Was chosen for attorney general after Trump remembered

that his original pick was found dead in a jail cell.

Elon Musk is reportedly

spending nearly every day with Donald Trump at Mar-A-Lago.

But don't worry,

Elon will leave as soon as he finishes

listing all the dinosaurs in alphabetical order.

Elon Musk's new Department of Government Efficiency

posted a job listing saying that they are looking for

people willing to work 80 plus hours a week for no money.

But you can't be surprised that the white African guy's

first idea is slavery.

And congratulations to Robert F Kennedy Jr,

who became the first brain worm survivor nominated

to a cabinet level position.

Kennedy, whose skin is always cooked to a perfect medium rare,

believe the Department of Health and Human Services.

And I know he doesn't have a lot of experience,

but I say we give him a shot.

Donald Trump has.

Selected Pete Hegseth to be his secretary of defense.

Hexum is co-host of Fox and Friends Weekend,

which is broadcast exclusively on CPAp machines.

Friends President Biden and Donald Trump

seen here burning the last of their classified documents,

met at the white House for almost two hours.

But keep in mind, 90 minutes of that.

Was that just them struggling to stand up?

Rudy Giuliani,

who owes $150 million to Georgia election workers,

has turned over his 1980 Mercedes Benz,

his watch collection and diamond ring.

So now he owes $150 million.

It was.

It was reported that some critics of Donald Trump

are preparing

go bags in case they have to suddenly flee the country.

And I think that's stupid, but Carlino

just steaming.

Thinks that

it is a molten necesario.

The winner of a contest to create a new national

anthem is a song called Let Them Fly,

which is a rousing,

inspirational song about an immigrant catapult.

Oh, new Jersey Governor Phil Murphy has declared

a drought warning

and has urged residents to reduce water consumption,

which isn't a big deal

since new Jersey residents only bathe in CVS Cologne.

That's my understanding.

Last night, Jake Paul and Mike Tyson

teamed up to defeat everyone watching.

This week, Joe Exotic, a.k.a.

the Tiger King, penned a letter to Donald Trump

asking once again to be pardoned and released from prison.

Here to comment is Joe Exotic.

Hi. I'm back.

Oh, it's so.

Nice to be out of my cage.

It's nice to see you after so long.

How's jail?

Oh, I'm not supposed to be there. Okay.

All I did was care for my cats, make love to my two straight

husbands, and try to kill Carole Baskin multiple times.

But I was frightened by Peter.

You know, I've gotten to know very well these past few years.

I guess you could say I'm a pedophile

and you can print that.

No, I don't think you want us to print that man.

All I ever wanted to do was live in peace and harmony

with the animals.

Now, now.

Eight and down.

Eight and down. Tiger. Yeah. Shoot it!

I said I don't have a gun.

Yeah, don't make a gun to work.

Is this America or your flat out there?

Oh, Joe, did you seriously bring a tiger looking.

He followed me.

Everybody knows that Joe Exotic attracts big cats

and poor guys who want to be gay for the first time.

I'm curious, but I'm not poor.

What was? Forget that

I got hurt with that, I don't know.

Anyway, didn't get a ladder.

This has come down in your letter this week.

You also asked to be a member of Trump's cabinet.

That's right.

I have the perfect experience to be the director of Fish

and Wildlife.

If you've ever been in a lot of situation.

Know that it's when you're stuck on a boat

with the attacker and your Indian boyfriend.

That's interesting.

You're appealing to Trump for your part.

And didn't you run for president from jail as a Democrat?

I did, but like my mullet, my politics

are country over party.

And now.

I hate this damn shoot it tie you shoot it.

With your pants so high. Up.

So your life seems really dangerous, man. Why?

Because I live with a bunch of tigers that are on Xanax.

And because I take a bunch of Xanax.

So the tigers are insane.

And my reaction time is incredibly slow.

Yeah, that's exactly why.

Well, I wish you.

I wish you the best of luck on your on your pardon.

And is there anything else you'd like to say?

There is.

Look, I'm not a perfect person.

Right now there's more.

I made a lot of mistakes.

But, hey, this is America.

And what is America?

But an illegal zoo run by a missed out, poorly kill.

And this is not related to anything.

But how hot are the gas that I poll?

I won't get up.

It's crazy.

And that's what America is all about.

Joe Exotic, everybody.

I don't know what to do.

Shoot.

A Spirit Airlines

flight was forced to divert after it was struck by gunfire

from gangs while trying to land in Haiti,

a rare setback for people who fly spirit

to Haiti.

Scientists are concerned

that over the course of 180 million years,

the Y chromosome has declined and that men could go extinct.

And 6 million years.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

So, ladies, hang in there.

You'll get your little president.

Where are you going?

Cheers. Cheers.

A growing number, a growing number of visitors

to Disney World are complaining that the water ride Tiana's

Bayou Adventure is leaving them too wet,

which is a complaint usually reserved

for guests on.

The Archbishop of Canterbury

announced that he is resigning after he failed to report

sexual abuse cases at a Christian summer camp, so

from now on they will list it in the official itinerary.

Mattel has apologized after mistakenly

printing the web address

of a porn site on the packaging of its new wicked dolls.

And it was actually a simple mistake.

You see, the box was supposed to read wicked movie.com,

but instead they printed Choke Me Jeff Goldblum.

Experts are saying that the best way to get a

good night's sleep is to cut out caffeine ten hours before bed.

Alcohol three hours before work, two hours before

and avoid devices one hour before.

Or you can just rub one out like an adult.

That's what experts are saying.

Coffee expert.

Got it.

Well, New York's beloved squirrel, peanut,

who became famous on Instagram for his cute little outfits,

then was captured by wildlife officials and euthanized.

But he continues to fuel debate

surrounding ownership of wild animals.

Here with her thoughts on the matter.

Is peanuts widow?

Hi, Tom. Hi.

Thank you so much for being here, Mrs. Nut.

Please call me Hazel.

Okay.

Hazel, how are you handling your husband's death?

Oh, it's

just so hard to be thrust in the media spotlight, Colin.

I'm used to doing regular squirrel stuff like,

you know,

chasing my own tail or running into the middle of a street,

seeing a car, and then.

Hey, Hazel.

Hazel,

come back.

Welcome back.

Tell me a little bit about peanut.

Actually, peanut was his human name.

His legal squirrel name was.

A little cowboy hat on Instagram.

He stuffed his cheeks on OnlyFans.

Both sets.

Okay.

I mean, it was the love of my life.

Colin. I keep thinking about the day we met.

I was minding my own business by a tree squawking.

Squawking.

It's when a squirrel shakes their entire body

to attract a mate like this.

Okay.

Yeah.

You look a little nuts.

Yeah,

there are there aren't any nuts here.

Said the doctor at your physical.

Yeah.

You're totally.

Come on. I'm in mourning.

Colin.

I need touch.

What exactly happened to your late husband, Tina?

Well, the.

Cops raided our house,

and then peanut bit one like a damn hero.

Have you ever bit a cop, Colin?

Why would I bite the hand that feeds me?

Bingo game.

What is the name?

Duck. Peanut.

And chopped his head off in a rabies test.

That's how they really test for rabies.

Colin, can you imagine that if they chopped off your penis

every time you tested positive for chlamydia?

I never tested positive for chlamydia.

Ignorance is bliss.

Slanging that stank.

Am I right, brother?

Kick that tail out of my face.

Fine.

Okay. Oh!

Found a couple acorns.

Okay.

Hazel, I just I hope you can find some closure

and finally move on with your life.

Oh. What life?

I'm a widow for Colin.

So that the only person who wants to hit

it is Jake Paul.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm going nuts.

Nuts? Where?

You're the one who just said nuts.

I'm so alone. Touch me. Colin.

It's in my mouth.

Oh, come on.

Your hinge profile says you love Bush.

President Bush, he nuts.

Widow.

For Weekend Update I|m Colin Jost

I'm Michael Che Goodnight!

Thanks for inviting me to this acting class, David.

I've never done one specifically

about auditioning for commercials.

Hey. No problem.

Yeah. Hear this.

Teacher Theodore Strop is actually really good.

Really good try. Very good.

Thanks to him, I almost became the face of new snacks.

Hello, class.

Sorry I'm late. I parked in a crazy way.

Welcome to commercial acting.

Well, the number one rule is you're not selling a product.

You're telling a story.

New students show me something.

Okay, so me and Lacey

have been working on a scene from a Sky rising commercial.

I don't want to go out tonight because of my plaque psoriasis.

For me, I don't have.

To hide because I use Sky. Rizzi.

Wrong. Oh, get away from me.

Oh, that's a star student.

Get up here and show them how it's done.

Do the line from your audition.

Mucinex is the best product around.

Strong emphasis.

Hit product products.

The word. Mucinex is the best products.

Around. Yes.

Now give me Mucinex, give me product,

give me four seconds and then give me a round.

Mucinex is the best product.

Five, six, seven, eight all round. Yes.

And that's why she almost got the job.

Okay.

How is it? Good if she didn't even get the job.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can you run through your credits real quick?

That's right.

You don't have any.

Me, on the other hand, I have three.

One fear factor eight, a bunch of worms and still lost

two missed matter.

Accidentally hooked up with my own mom. But

I'm three.

I guess I only have two. Thank you. And you're welcome.

She's sorry.

All right, guys, now let's go deep.

Okay? The key to acting is accessing trauma.

What is the worst thing that happened to you?

You owe me.

Well, I've never shared this with anyone before, but one day

when I was little,

I went fishing with my dad, and a wave hit us,

and he fell off the boat, and I never saw him again.

Oh, sorry.

I just got a crazy text.

But the good news is, I am not the father.

Oh, let's go back up. I'm going crazy.

Read me some copy from target.

When I need groceries, clothes or towels, I go to target.

Good. Not great. Emphasis on clothes, towels.

And two, when I need groceries or towels, I go to target.

Perfect. Almost like a. Park.

Now, you two get up here and begin a scene.

Please go go go go go go and go.

Would you grab me a cup of the finest brew in town?

One blue bottle coffee coming right up.

Wrong, wrong.

Bad. Cut. Cut away. Away, away.

Thank you.

Never turn away from the camera.

When you're in a scene, you want the audience to see you.

But keep it natural, okay? Watch.

Oh, you want a coffee? I'll go get it.

And then you walk like this.

Grab the coffee.

Come back now.

We're having a coffee together.

That didn't look natural at all.

David, let me show you something.

This is what it's like to be in a scene with you. Okay?

Say something.

Okay. Hey.

How have.

Hi. How can I stop talking to me?

Talk to Alissa.

Just. Oh my God. Okay.

I'm sorry.

What am I supposed to be learning from this?

Exactly. Alissa, back up here.

Okay, now, listen, I are going to do a little exercise.

Someone yell at of company

and we will give a perfect ad read of their slogan.

I don't know, Capital One.

Okay.

Here, use my credit card.

What's in your wallet?

Chills.

I gave myself chills.

Give us another one, please.

O'Reilly's auto parts. Perfect.

Alissa. Go ahead. 000,

Riley auto parts.

Okay, now let's do Burger King.

Okay. You start.

I'm hungry. What should I eat?

I want sushi, I. Want a burger. Fine.

Have it your way.

Now, Allison, I am going to improvise an entire commercial.

Okay, now give us a product. Any product?

Paper towels.

Perfect. Go ahead.

My house is a mess. Use these.

They're the best. No. They got no.

Are you hungry?

I'm starving.

Okay, let's go to sleep

and sing.

Oh my God, yes, I love you.

Oh, my God, I love you, my husband.

Oh, wait.

They're married.

Yes we are, and that's our class for today.

We will be leaving.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, CHARLI XCX.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

* I DON'T WANNA

SHARE THE SPACE

I DON'T WANNA

FORCE A SMILE *

TAPS MY INSECURITIES

DON'T KNOW IF IT'S REAL

OR IF I'M SPIRALING *

* ONE VOICE

TELLS ME THAT THEY LAUGH *

* GEORGE SAYS

I'M JUST PARANOID

SAYS HE JUST DON'T SEE IT

HE'S SO NAIVE *

* I'M EMBARRASSED TO HAVE IT

BUT NEED THE SYMPATHY *

* 'CAUSE I

COULDN'T EVEN BE HER

IF I TRIED *

* I'M OPPOSITE

I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE

I FEEL ALL THESE FEELINGS

I CAN'T CONTROL *

* OH NO DON'T KNOW

WHY

ALL THIS SYMPATHY

IS JUST A KNIFE *

* WHY I CAN'T EVEN

GRIT MY TEETH AND LIE

I FEEL ALL THESE FEELINGS

I CAN'T CONTROL *

* OH NO DON'T KNOW

WHY I WANNA BUY A GUN

WHY I WANNA SHOOT MYSELF *

* VOLATILE

AT WAR WITH MY DIALOGUE

I'D SAY THAT THERE WAS A GOD

IF THEY COULD STOP THIS *

* WILD VOICE

TEARING ME APART

I'M SO APPREHENSIVE NOW *

* DON'T WANNA SEE HER

BACKSTAGE

AT MY BOYFRIEND'S SHOW *

* FINGERS CROSSED

BEHIND MY BACK

I HOPE THEY BREAK UP QUICK *

* 'CAUSE I

COULDN'T EVEN BE HER

IF I TRIED *

* I'M OPPOSITE

I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE

I FEEL ALL THESE FEELINGS

I CAN'T CONTROL *

* OH NO DON'T KNOW

WHY

ALL THIS SYMPATHY

IS JUST A KNIFE *

* WHY I CAN'T EVEN

GRIT MY TEETH AND LIE

I FEEL ALL THESE FEELINGS

I CAN'T CONTROL *

* OH NO

ALL THIS SYMPATHY

IS JUST A KNIFE *

* ALL THIS SYMPATHY

IS JUST A KNIFE

ALL THIS SYMPATHY

IS JUST A KNIFE *

* YEAH ALL THIS SYMPATHY

IS JUST A KNIFE

OH NO OH *

* WHY

IS ALL THIS SYMPATHY

A -- KNIFE? *

* YEAH ALL THIS SYMPATHY

IS JUST A KNIFE

COULDN'T EVEN BE HER

IF I TRIED *

* OH NO NO *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thanksgiving.

A holiday as old as America itself.

The Pilgrims and Native Americans prove

they're more alike than different.

As they laughed, drank, and ate my mom.

It's the end, girl.

Thanksgiving special coming at you

live from the Milk Studios ateliers.

I'm your host, Marc Jacobs, and.

I'm sure y'all part two is giving.

Thank you.

Tonight the table is phat with it.

Girls, past and present.

Like supermodel Naomi Campbell.

This Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for my family.

I brought the substance.

Next, it's Posh Spice herself.

Victoria back.

Pilgrims and indigenous.

Honestly, one of the most iconic clubs since me and David.

I bought creamed spinach.

Sweetie, that's la mer face cream.

You all right?

Actually, put the body, audience and bodies.

Bodies, bodies.

It's welcome it. Girl after us.

Rachel. Senate.

Pumpkin pie is pie vibes.

I brought my two big gourds.

And these girls were at babies

acting circles around Uncle Jesse.

It's the Olsen twins.

This big ass coat is from the Rose Black Friday sale,

where everything is 20% on.

I brought a cigaret casserole.

And I brought loaded mac and cheese.

I don't think I got what this is going to be.

And we know what you're thinking.

Who the f is making the turkey?

Obviously it's Cher.

How's it coming along?

What am I supposed to do

for Cher?

Are you scared, Cher?

I don't know why I did the things I did.

I don't know why I put sprite in the gravy.

And now the

girls would like to perform the story of Thanksgiving.

When the pilgrims

arrived in the New World, they were starved alone.

They knew nothing.

Okay, we had zero bond on Tuesday.

Oh, the Native Americans were feasting on Turkey Celsius.

And how much? He crowed.

I like that the party got so lit

that they let everyone in, even the YouTubers and.

Zach Braff t

wow, what a classic Thanksgiving tale.

Share. How is the turkey coming along?

If I could turn off the stove and you go, what about. No.

So she has turkey. It was on Ozempic.

I really don't think it's big.

No, no.

Okay, don't sweat it. Share.

But wait, where are the Olsen twins?

We fell in.

I can't find Ashley.

Oh, no.

The Olsen twins got lost in their big ass code again,

and they don't get cell service in there. No.

Don't despair.

Your host is here at Thanksgiving.

The basics do a turkey trot, but the girls do a turkey strut.

Turkey, turkey gobble of it, and turkey.

Thanks.

She's so

cool.

Come. Can't on

summer come.

The Packers.

But we are and human giblets and glad

and that no crumbs shut the

turkey.

That's.

Thank you Lord.

He turn that turkey out.

But the food's all over the floor now.

Oh and we'll just have to do as the program's dead

a girl dinner.

And strut it out.

God, that.

Was an incredible show.

The sets, the songs.

The donkey, I mean, meat, I go on. Yeah.

I can't believe I've never seen Shrek the Musical.

You just did.

I meant before tonight.

We. Guys, where's my Lonnie?

She's been in the bathroom for, like, 15 minutes.

Yeah, any longer.

And we'll miss our reservation at Domino's.

They take reservations.

If you want a table, they do?

Oh, just like we're always waiting for Lonnie.

Okay, babe. So we ready. To.

Ride?

Late.

Lonnie, did you just make it? Oh.

What's. No, no.

Why is your mouth on Green Girl?

Oh. I was drinking a slushy.

Yeah, and I mixed all the flavors

together to make a suicide. Sorry.

And an alive.

But, yeah, the color, the screen.

And that's why it's all over my mouth and hands.

You clearly made out with Shrek.

Get it?

Get real. You guys always do this.

You always accuse me of hooking up with celebrities.

You do late, Lonnie.

Like the time we went to Despicable Me on.

Ice, and you went to the

bathroom for 38 minutes and came out with a yellow mouth.

You know what?

This is totally inappropriate.

I'm going to go find the director and tell him.

Yes, him.

Directors can be men, too.

I picture him that his bleeding ogre with smash mouth thing.

My friends. Excuse me.

Oh. What toppings you guys going to get on your pizza?

Hello.

Chiming in finally oh sorry.

Three chatty ladies on harder on a gay guy.

Yeah. Kind of hard to get a word in.

I'm on Adderall to.

Kind of find anyone

is basically empty.

Janice, are you the 4 or 5 six line?

Because you look like you don't

had a green train run on your ass.

What?

I did not. Hook up with Shrek, okay?

A green Sharpie, which is very rare, by the way,

exploded in my bag.

So where else would I wipe it but all my erogenous zones.

Perfectly logical explanations.

You guys are acting so crazy right now.

No, genius.

This is just like the time we went to

the avatar haunted house.

We had a reservation at 11 p.m.

at Max Brenner, the chocolate bald man

who waited for three hours.

Then you came out covered in blue paint,

holding a rock made of unobtainium,

which just turned out to be crack, by the way.

God, I can't even look at y'all.

Oh. Get it?

You have hands and face friends on your ass.

I'm fine.

I'll admit it's during before the show.

I received an OTP, but.

An over the pants

below the waist motorboat.

Shrek.

How do you know it wasn't Fiona post ogre revealed.

God, you guys are so biphobic

are you? Bye.

You know.

Well, well, well,

if it isn't the three onions I just peeled back.

What?

Shrek, you're going to have to choose one of us.

So who's it going to be?

Me, gadget, a 31 year old teaching artist

with a short fuze and a big heart.

I mean, Ginny's a 31 year old speech pathologist doing her.

Best to make it in this

fifth character of sex and the city we call the.

Movies your.

Own. Me, Leilani, a barely 31 year old chuckle ever

who takes too long in the bathroom

because I'm not doing a number one or number two.

I'm doing number three.

Hooking up.

Or me, Suzanne, a 19 year old.

Don't say anything.

Who's a Lord Farquaad in the streets

and a puss in the boots?

Me, Pablo.

A guy who just wants

to get to Domino's in time for his reservation.

Well, Shrek, who's it going to be?

I want Pablo.

I can only.

>>> MY THANKS TO ALEC BALDWIN,

DANA CARVEY, THANK YOU!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**