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-You'll see me? -MAN: Yeah.

Full House. Jacks or sixes. What do you think of that?

Give me the money. [LAUGHS]

No. No.

No, Caspar, please.

No, Caspar.

Arnie, Arnie, Arnie.

Did you really think there was anywhere on this fucking planet

you could hide from me?

You've had three months of fun with my money.

I'll get it for you.

-I know I can. -I know you can't.

'Cause I've got a new accountant and he's going to put everything right.

Everything you got

fucking wrong.

Because of you, I owe 2 million quid to the taxman.

I also nearly lost my shipping firm.

What is it with you lot?

I got another moron who almost lost me my casino.

You can't trust no one.

[SCREAMS]

You can trust me, Bruno.

You want to run a casino?

-Well, no, but-- -Then shut up!

Leo is gonna run the casino.

Fucking Leo! I'm your brother, you should think of me first!

If I wanted you to run the casino, I would have said:

"Caspar, run the fucking casino."

-I can run the fucking-- -[SHUSHING] Not in front of Arnie.

Bruno,

I'm begging you, don't kill me.

I'm not gonna kill you, Arnie.

Thank you, Bruno.

Caspar's gonna kill you!

[ARNIE SOBS]

And he is gonna fucking enjoy it.

Don't be too long, Caspar, we've got guests coming.

So long, Arnie. You weren't a bad accountant

except for the whole embezzlement thing.

Right. Just got Dom to sort out and that's all the business for the day.

Lovely.

[PHONE RINGING]

LILY: Leo, get the phone!

LILY ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, we can't come to the phone,

but leave a message and we'll get back to you. Bye.

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

Hi, Leo. It's Popeye here, mate.

It was great seeing you yesterday.

I've been thinking about what we were discussing.

Anyway, I'd like to talk some more about it. So, give us a ring.

Did you say something?

You just got a phone call.

Yeah?

Jason Cramer. Popeye.

I forgot to tell you. I bumped into him yesterday.

Yeah?

Yeah, got a new eye.

Looks sort of real.

Ish.

I thought he moved up north for good?

-He still with Clare? -Yeah.

So, what did you two talk about?

He just said give him a call, maybe get together.

So, why is he back?

He just...

He followed some guy down.

-Popeye reckons he's ripe. -Popeye looking for a partner?

I didn't say yes.

I did tell him we were leaving, though.

You said that before and guess what, we're still here.

Not for much longer, just one more job.

It's big enough.

It's not the money, Leo. We both know that.

Just a few more weeks at the most, and then we're gone.

Where?

Well, I thought we'd agreed, but we can go anywhere you want.

Anywhere I want?

How much Spanish have you learnt, Leo?

Una margarita, por favor.

Dos margaritas.

Dos margaritas, por favor.

That is all we need.

-I need to know you're serious about leaving. -I am serious.

I don't want this life anymore.

We'll fly to Cuba. Take a boat--

-Go fishing for marlin? -Go fishing for marlin.

-Sit on the beach. -Drink Cuba Libres?

Do the whole Ernest Hemingway-type thing.

Shoot ourselves, you mean?

Well, only if the moment calls for it.

MOOSE: Man!

Dom. I need to talk to you.

I'm sorry, fellas. I need a minute.

-How are you doing? -All right, Moose. How are you, okay?

How's your handicap?

-Pardon? -Your golf game?

Oh, yeah. Not bad. Playing off of seven now.

-Bruno really needs to talk to you. -Right. Does he?

It's not about this Manchester thing, is it?

Funny business all that business, you know?

-How is he? Is he all right? -He's angry as hell, Dom.

Oh, right, well.

What about my clubs?

Let's go, Dom.

You ever thought of getting something a bit bigger, Moose?

You know what I mean?

My car wouldn't start today, Dom. This is Helen's car.

I told her to get a bigger car. She doesn't listen to me anymore.

-You need to sort her out. -Dom, can you do that?

I can't even get the thing off.

-[HAND BRAKE GRATES] -Thank you. Whoo.

[PEOPLE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

How are you doing, boss?

Respect.

Right to business.

[ALL CHEERING]

People, enjoy.

I'm gonna getcha! You all come here! [GRUNTS]

Will you all slow down? I'm old! Come and give me a hug!

-Leo. -LEO: Hey, Bruno.

-Lil. Good of you to come. -Hi, Bruno.

-Thought I'd give the hat a day out. -Bruno.

Ah!

Dash more celery salt, lad.

Right. Yeah, sure.

-You've got him well trained, Bruno. -What is it with you two?

He doesn't like you, you know. Says I shouldn't trust you.

You shouldn't.

-You're the smartest fucker I know, Leo. -Here we go again.

Dom, pop up to the house.

Yeah, all right, mate. See you, luv.

-Just wanna have a little chat. -[GULPS]

Come on.

All right, Bruno?

Dom, long time no see.

All right, Leo? How's tricks?

Usual. How's life up north? How's the casino?

Okay.

LEO: Any tips for the weekend, Dom?

Bernard's Jibber. 3:30, Doncaster.

I know a man who knows a man.

Dom, tell Leo about our little problem.

Thought he might be able to give us some advice.

[PANTING]

Fella by the name of

Vince Holland had been coming to the casino for years.

Well, maybe I let him get away with a bit too much.

But you trust people, don't you?

Anyway, he got to one of the croupiers.

Really nice kid named Joe.

Showed great promise.

Can you believe it? Long-time customer, trusted employee.

Nobody's honest anymore.

I blame myself, you know,

but I should have seen it. But you trust people, don't you?

[DOM GROANS]

[DOM GURGLING]

I blame you, too. You should have seen it.

And no, you don't trust no one.

Fifteen years ago, all I had was that casino.

I take over a piss-poor haulage firm in lieu of a debt, and now

I got 17 ships crossing the globe on a daily basis.

I own three Lear jets.

See that?

That is a Picasso

or a Pissarro.

Do you think I'd have all that and everything else I fucking own

if I let fucking morons like you work for fucking me?

You're out of the casino business.

Moose.

-Thanks, Moose. -Don't mention it.

[YELPS]

BRUNO: I hate having to do stuff like that.

Anyway, I need you to get up there.

-Up there? -To the casino.

I need someone I can trust to run it till I find a replacement.

-Unless you want it permanent. -I don't want it at all.

I don't know how to run a casino.

You've spent enough time in them.

I know Love Me Do, that doesn't make me John Lennon.

Three weeks at the most. How about tomorrow?

No, not tomorrow.

Day after tomorrow then, whatever suits you best.

-Not going at all suits me best. -You're all I got.

Why can't you give me a few weeks? We're talking about my casino.

I've got commitments, you know. Irons in the fire, so to speak.

We are family, you and me.

We do each other favors. That's what family does.

Who sees you right when you're doing stir?

I've been inside three times, Bruno. Each time was because of you.

You got something big on I don't know about?

Good.

Then take one of the jets if you like. That'll be nice.

Next week. Earliest I can go.

Weekend, so you're ensconced for the new week.

Yeah. Lovely.

What's up?

Bruno wants me to run his casino in Manchester.

It's kind of like asking Hannibal Lecter to fix lunch, no?

We leave at the weekend.

That gives us five days.

[PHONE RINGS]

-Hello? -LEO: Duke of York Cinema. Ten minutes.

MAN: You don't understand, Judge. He is dead, yet Grisby's in the--

-No lollies? -No, sorry.

WOMAN: My husband wrote that thing and got you to sign it for him.

It's one of those famous Bannister tricks.

No, it's Grisby's idea. It seems Mr. Grisby wants to disappear.

[BLOWS]

-LEO: [IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Don't turn around. -Right.

-Why are you speaking like that? -I'm disguising my voice.

-Cary Grant. -It's James Mason, actually.

-What do we do now? -Give me the envelope.

I made sure she's there on Tuesday evening.

I told her to expect a business colleague of mine.

Her name is Gloria. The one with the face.

Is it really this easy to have someone killed?

Why don't you say that a little bit louder? I don't think Rita heard you.

Rita Hayworth, she's on the screen.

But I don't understand, Michael.

Right.

I expect half the money by close of day,

the other half when the job's done. Understood?

Understood.

We don't need to speak again.

And may I be the first to offer my condolences

on the sad passing of your wife.

How'd you let yourself get dragged into it?

Because I'm a fool. A deliberate, intentional fool.

You know, she was so vibrant, so--

WOMAN: Would you mind being quiet? MAN: Shut up!

[MAN SHUSHES]

[SPANISH EDUCATIONAL TAPE PLAYING]

Heads.

Caramba!

[LILY REPEATING AFTER TAPE]

Hello, my dear.

How'd it go, Humbert?

He thought I was Cary Grant.

I'd better get going.

Gloria will be waiting.

It's me. We've got a problem.

I can't get to her tonight.

Caspar.

Such a pleasant surprise to get your call, Lily.

-Why were you following Leo last night? -Following Leo?

Is that what he...

[CHUCKLES]

No, I was just out for a quiet drive.

-Where was he off to? -What are you up to, Casparoonie?

Up to?

You make me sound so

devious.

All right, let's cut the crap.

You have something you're dying to tell me.

Don't deny it, you don't have a poker face.

You want to giggle at how clever you are.

I've known for a while about your past, even though you hate to talk about it.

I'm not embarrassed about my past. I was an exceptional thief.

And now you're an exceptional bore.

Watch your mouth or I'll smack you in it.

Ooh, Caspar, you beast.

I want you to take me very seriously, Lily.

You got my undivided.

Do you remember when I was over in the States on business?

And I asked these people I'm there to see for Bruno:

"Does anyone know a Lily Woods?" As you were then.

And then some old guy goes:

"I knew a Lily Wenman."

"Yeah," says another guy,

"that business with Elmo Somerset."

ELMO: You all, listen up! This is a bank robbery!

ELMO: Get your asses down there in front of that counter!

This is a big gun and it's about to go off.

You, put your head down!

Keep your head down! You hear me?

LILY: Come on, just put it in! Everything in the bag!

Come on! Let's go!

Just so none of you do anything stupid.

Trust me, you don't want this little girl's blood on your conscience.

Lily?

-What the fuck? -A word to the wise, Elmo.

You best think twice next time

before you fuck a slut like Donna Bryan in my bed!

Jesus, fuck. I'm sorry! Please, you don't wanna do this!

-Lily, don't do this! -Yes, I do.

-You ain't gonna shoot me, Elmo. -You bet your ass I am!

Don't make me do this!

[GUN CLICKING]

I said, "You ain't gonna shoot me."

Lily!

-Happy trails, Elmo. -Jesus!

Fuck!

What do you want, money?

I wanna know what Leo's up to.

I don't know what you mean. He's not up to anything.

-Yes he is. You both are. -You're wrong.

Fine. I'm wrong.

So, I go home and I phone Elmo.

That man spent four years of his life in prison because of you.

I don't know, do you think he'll want to see you?

Now, what is Leo up to?

You're too late. Why do you think I called?

You're a diversion!

You're keeping me busy, while Leo gets up to whatever he's getting up to.

Now, what is he getting up to?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Fuck.

Ashtray.

[EXHALES] Ahem.

-LEO: Gloria? -Hello, do come on in.

What a day I've had! Doesn't bear thinking about.

My husband said you'd be calling.

I was just about to have a little drink. Care to join me?

-Thank you. -What's your poison?

-I'll have a scotch. -Scotch.

Right.

[CLATTERING]

-[GLORIA EXCLAIMING] -[GLASS BREAKING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Hey, Angel.

How did it go with Caspar?

He wants to know what we're up to.

-Did you tell him it was a secret? -First thing out of my mouth.

He knows about Elmo Somerset.

Shit.

Known for a while.

-Been saving it for just the right time. -Apparently that's now.

It's a pretty sure bet he's already called him.

He could already be here for all we know.

No, if he was already here, you'd already be dead.

Thanks, it makes me feel so much better.

So, what are we gonna do?

Make it up as we go along.

-Thanks. -That's my plan.

Now, that makes me feel so much better.

I'll work it out. It'll be fine.

MAN ON P.A.: Flight 721 from Dallas has arrived at Gate 17.

CONCIERGE: A private bathroom between 7:00 and 7:15.

Julie here will show you to your Caribbean suite.

-This got pay-per-view? -Huh?

Never mind.

You American, then?

I like America. It's brilliant. All them films and stuff.

Yeah, one long party.

You get bored or anything, just dial zero.

That's reception. Give us a shout. I'll come and suck you off, if you like.

Yeah?

Only 20 quid.

That's reasonable.

GLORIA: What a day I've had! Doesn't bear thinking about.

My husband said you'd be calling.

I was just about to have a little drink. Care to join me?

-Thank you. -What's your poison?

-I'll have a scotch. -Scotch.

[CLATTERING]

-[GLORIA EXCLAIMING] -[GLASS BREAKING]

JULIUS: Gripping stuff,

don't you think?

I'd set that video to record something.

I'm sorry.

The Sweet Smell of Success.

Do you know how hard it is to get hold of that?

[CAT MEOWS]

Leave my cat alone.

What the fuck are you doing here?

You're the blonde from the cinema. I remember you.

You haven't answered the question.

You fucking did it, didn't you, Leo?

You actually killed my wife.

He killed my Gloria.

You still haven't answered the question.

-I haven't? -No.

Now, apart from buggering up my video

drinking my 12-year-old malt, what exactly are you doing here?

Oh, Leo, I know how the scam works.

I pay you the rest of your fee, then suddenly

you remember you have to charge me some more.

Or just enough so the police doesn't get a tip-off.

Like my wife's missing

and they come around knocking on my door before I'm ready.

And then you're gonna get greedy. You're gonna squeeze me for more.

That doesn't make me sound like a particularly decent murderer, does it?

-How could you trust a man like that? -Yeah.

You wouldn't feel safe.

You're trying to intimidate me. Won't work, Leo.

I don't know,

I'm really rather good at it.

I made half a dozen copies of that video.

So, if anything happens to me Yes, et cetera, et cetera.

-We should take your word for that? -Yes, honey.

All right. It's not like you can take that tape to the police.

Exactly. You shop me, I shop you right back again.

"He hired me to kill his wife, your honor. He made me do it."

That would be true, had I ever been married.

-What? -What?

Hello.

Looking for a date, sweetheart?

Right.

[EXCLAIMS]

I'm sorry, luv.

-This is for you then. -What's this then?

-It's £1,000. -£1,000?

Yeah.

Right then. Who do you want me to kill?

[CHUCKLES HUMORLESSLY]

I need a wife.

I have no connection to that woman or that house.

I was never married to her.

I won't be there, but my partner is gonna pick up some documents.

You'll invite him for a drink, or whatever.

If he makes a move, you go with him.

If not, that's it. Either way, you're gonna end up with £2,000.

Any reason why you chose me?

Why would I hire somebody to kill a complete stranger?

Why don't you tell me?

Money, of course. To be exact, half a million.

-Half a million dollars! -We don't have that sort of money.

I'm talking pounds!

We definitely don't have that sort of money.

You're a clever fella, Leo. I'm sure you can find a way to get it.

This is good shit.

Just make sure you have it by the end of this week.

Toodle-oo. I'll be in touch.

-And I'm awfully sorry about that-- -Sweet Smell of Success.

Yeah, that one.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

MOOSE: Leo, wake up!

Leo!

Are you up yet?

I've had several minutes sleep already, Moose, I'm fine.

You seem a little agitated, Moose. Is everything all right?

I lost someone.

What time is it?

5:00.

Moose, what's up?

Moose has lost someone.

MOOSE: A friend.

My woman.

-Girlfriend? -Yeah.

I love my wife and my kids, but I need this woman.

She does it for me, you know what I'm saying?

You really ought to write greeting cards.

So, what do you want us to do about it?

Bruno told me I need to come and talk to you.

-You're smart. You can find her. -Me?

I've asked everybody else.

-Have you seen Gloria? -No, mate.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

MOOSE: Turned out he didn't know nothing.

Listen, I'm a little busy right now.

LEO: Why not ask Caspar?

I don't like Caspar and Caspar doesn't like me.

You can find her, Leo.

Here's the picture.

Her name is Gloria.

LILY: Oh, my. She's a cutie-pie.

-[GLORIA EXCLAIMING] -[GLASS BREAKING]

MOOSE: Find her for me.

I'm going crazy without her, man. Tell me you can find her.

Tell him.

I'll do my best.

[PHONE RINGING]

LILY ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, we can't come to the phone,

but leave a message and we'll get back to you. Bye.

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

TROY: ♪ You better wake up 'Cause I need my cash

♪ To keep me satisfied Am I sure? Yes

♪ I am sure deep down inside ♪

Leo.

Just a little wake-up call so you don't forget to come and see me.

I'm going back to bed.

Pay Troy. He's a problem we don't need.

And sweetheart,

no stopping off at the racetrack on the way!

Tails.

SALESMAN: Beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

-How about three? -Three!

-Eight. -Four.

-Seven. -Five. Cash.

Done.

Magic word.

Pur-rango!

Very good, Roscoe.

Just a little salt trick.

What happens if I want some bloody salt?

♪ The minute he walked in the joint [SCATS]

♪ I could see he was a man of distinction

♪ A real big spender

♪ Good-looking and so refined

♪ Now, wouldn't you like to know What's going on in my mind?

♪ -Why don't you get right to the point? -[SCATS] ♪

-How are you doing, Troy? -Hello, Leo.

-All right, Roscoe? -All right.

TROY: Shut up, Roscoe! Coin.

Heads.

Tails.

Story of your life at the moment.

C'est la vie.

♪ 'Cause there is a horse at Newmarket

♪ They call the Rising Sun

♪ And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy

♪ I know, cause you are one ♪

What's the form been like recently?

Porcelain Bus, Cheltenham. Four and two zeroes, eight-to-one. Came--

-Seventh? -Seventh.

Peanut Warrior. Two and two.

-Seven-to-four? -Three legs. Still running.

Still running.

King Chicken. Three and two zeroes to win.

-Two-to-one, came second. -Troy. Troy.

Troy. I know what I dropped. Come on, man, you know I'm good for it.

I know that you are way over the limit.

Eleven fucking grand!

If we weren't such good friends, I'd already have had your tongue cut out

and stapled to your wife's tit. Now, where's my money?

It's not what I expected.

Man, there's a big meet on Saturday. I'm gonna win big time.

I'll pay you back in full. Listen, I've got a tip for the 3:30.

Bernard's Jibber. Straight from the proverbial.

It's not good enough. I told you £1,000 by Friday.

Fuck's sake!

[GROANS]

-Now, by Friday. -Yeah?

I want my cash.

-Yeah. -Friday.

-Yeah, I haven't got it, but I'll get it. -Don't fuck me about, Leo.

-Okay? Still friends? -Yeah.

-Still smiling? -Yeah, yeah.

-You kidder. See you, Roscoe. -See you later, Leo.

♪ R-E-P-A-Y M-E You know what it means to me ♪

You got it.

♪ R-E-P-A-Y M-E. Take care TCP

♪ Give it to me ♪

-Are you okay? -Yeah.

That's two full English and coffees, £8.99.

-Did you pay Troy? -Yes, I paid him.

-All of it? -All of what I owe? He didn't ask for that.

All he asked for?

Jesus, Leo!

Why don't you find yourself a tourist, sell him his own sandals, but pay the man?

-Then I lose. -Lose what?

Look, I've got a tip for a horse on Saturday. If that comes in

I'll pay Troy and everyone's cool.

He's dangerous, Leo. Pay him. Get him off our backs.

Or you're gonna end up under the pier.

He's a psycho-nut freak.

"Psycho-nut freak?"

Whatever.

So, is this a genuine Tahitian pearl?

Is this a way to get into my panties?

Thought never entered my head.

Should it?

Hell, yeah.

LEO: I need your help, Bruno. I've got a little problem.

BRUNO: That's the fucking understatement of the year, isn't it?

So, this character, this con man

has a tape of you doing in some Ditchling tart.

When did you become a killer, Leo? That's not you.

It's my first time and my last.

Lily found this guy. Seemed like an easy mark.

He obviously targeted her. Set us up.

At the end of the day, I got greedy.

Stupid.

Hear that?

What?

That's me not arguing with you.

So, what do you want me to do about it?

Well, I don't know. I'm all out of ideas.

Okay. Moose takes this wanker to the top of Sussex Heights

dangles him upside down till he gives up the tapes and any copies.

He's surprisingly effective like that.

Mmm.

What?

What aren't you telling me?

Well...

The woman, the one I thought was his wife

I didn't know until too late...

She and Moose. She was Moose's girl.

Jesus-fucking-Christ on a fucking Lambretta!

Leo, you have lost it!

The old Leo wouldn't have got himself into something like this.

A blind ostrich wouldn't get itself into something like this.

Moose's girlfriend, of all people. He's fucking doolally over her.

I didn't do it on purpose, did I? It was all part of the set-up. It had to be.

This guy isn't gonna pick Moose's girlfriend, of all women.

He obviously knows about Moose. He wants Moose to come after me.

How does he know? Who told him? This bloke breezes into town,

sets you up like you're a fucking moron, which you are, by the way.

Who's he working with? Have you asked yourself that?

Yeah, of course I have.

I don't know if he's working with anyone else.

Of course he bloody is! Who told him? Who could have set you up?

There isn't anyone. Me and Lily, we were the only ones who knew.

Right.

Bruno.

We go back a long way and I am asking for your help.

But neither of those things gives you the right to insult my wife.

You know as well as I do that Lily wouldn't do something like that.

Well, not to me.

Yeah.

There's only one thing I can think of.

I'll talk to Moose, make him see reason. It won't be fucking easy, but I'll do it.

-And the mark, the guy? -Can you pay him?

-Yeah, but-- -Well, then pay him!

You made this mess, now you got to clean it up.

Pay the fucker and learn from it. Tell him if he ever comes back,

I'll personally cut off his balls and sew them into his fucking mouth!

Unless he's a complete moron, you won't see him again.

But I'll be broke.

Then that means the job up in Manchester will be a little bit more permanent.

It's working. Just like you said it would.

How was I?

You were okay.

I knew it!

Are you sure Leo will buy it?

Yes, sweetheart. We got him right where we want him.

LILY: I knew it would work, right from the first day we met.

Juli, this is Lil. Lil, Julius. My whiz kid accountant.

We have a problem, sir.

What sort of problem?

It's my predecessor. He caused more damage than we thought.

Ai!

Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.

It's Lily. Lily Garfield. We met at Bruno's.

Oh, my God! Yeah, I remember you.

Lily!

-What are you doing? -I'm doing...

It's a couple of shirts for the office. You know...

Come on, you can't wear this shit, you're a fire hazard.

JULIUS: Where are we going? LILY: There you go. Go change your underwear.

Polyester!

Mmm.

I guess that's as good as it's gonna get. Come on, let's go.

It's the cat.

Trout.

-No, the cat. -His name's Trout.

Sorry, it's like--

You've got a little allergy, never mind. All right, let's have a toast.

LILY: Julius Harvey is dead.

Long live Julius Harvey.

It's hard to keep it up.

All this game playing.

Last night, having to think about what I can say, what I can't say.

I was this close.

-Where is Leo? -At a poker game.

Yeah, I'm in.

Three, please.

Your £5 and up £20.

Jesus!

Yeah, pick the bones out of that, guys.

Full house. Eights over twos.

See you, guys.

See you, Paul.

What do you think?

Think it might piss down.

Well done, Leo. You'll let us win some back soon, yeah?

Any chance you could say you couldn't find me?

No chance.

-How much today? -A monkey.

Lovely. Good lad.

JULIUS: Ah, it's working out beautifully. Lily doesn't have a clue.

Don't worry about Leo. He's no problem.

Don't underestimate him.

-He's still the smartest man I know. -Not for much longer.

Good.

-Too much can still go wrong. -No.

Fucking everything could go wrong. If Lily finds out, I'm fucked.

If Leo finds out what we're doing, I'm fucked!

Then give me the word and Maitland Shipping will become Lily's

faster than you can say, "Fall guy."

"Girl."

Then what?

Then I'll tell the buyers to have the money ready for transfer.

And it'll be in the Caymans just like that. It's the age of the computer.

I don't know. Money in computers isn't safe.

You hear about it all the time, don't you, hackers and the like?

-Do I have a password, or something? -Yeah. Eight letters.

And I'm the only one who knows it?

Including you.

I am your accountant, Bruno?

Juli...

I've been burnt once and once is enough. Set it up so you need my authorization.

All right.

But nothing happens until Leo's out of the way.

-Otherwise it's too dangerous. -Okay.

I think you've just given me the perfect solution.

Shame it had to end like this.

-Can I have a go? -Fuck off!

Watch out.

No, not like leprosy.

Shut up! I said, shut up!

And I told you I was waiting on a phone call!

Carol only lives two damn streets away!

-We've got call waiting. -What?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

MAN: Moose, Bruno wants to see you. Can you get down here?

Cool. I'll be right there.

I'm going to see Bruno. If Leo rings, you tell him to get me on my mobile.

He's down there, Leo.

Hey, Leo.

-Me? -[LAUGHS]

TROY: ♪ Here he comes walking down the beach

♪ Getting funniest looks from everyone he meets

♪ Hey, you're a monkey People say you monkey around

♪ You're too busy picking losers to put anybody down ♪

You got my money, Leo?

Can't hear you singing.

I just gave some to Roscoe. Five hundred.

Five hundred is not even gonna pay the interest. Where's the fucking rest?

[SCREAMING]

I'm getting it.

-Promise? -Yeah.

-Cross your heart? -Yeah. Cross my heart.

-You're not crossing your heart. -Look, I'm doin' it. Ow!

All right then.

[WOMAN MOANING]

Who is it?

It's me, Caspar.

Hold on a minute!

[BOTH MOANING]

[BED CREAKING]

Fuck.

[BOTH EXCLAIMING]

[ELMO PANTS]

Come on in.

Sit down.

Dial "O" for room service.

Excuse me.

ELMO: What's the news?

Lily's married now. To a con man called Leo Garfield.

Here's the deal. I tell you where she is

and you kill Leo.

What you do with Lily after that is entirely up to you.

Con man?

That sounds like Lily.

-What you got against the guy? -That's none of your business!

Well, pardon the fuck out of me.

So, do we have a deal?

BRUNO: Do I have a password or something? JULIUS: Yeah. Eight letters.

[DOG GROWLING]

Shut it!

[DOOR SHUTS]

-You wanted to see me? -Yeah.

Take five.

-Leo came to see me about Gloria. -Did he find her?

No.

Well, you know, not exactly.

-There's no easy way to say this. -What?

He killed her.

Strangled her.

It's sort of an accident. He's dead cut up about it.

Probably at home now, if you want to have a word with him.

Leo killed Gloria.

BRUNO: What a bastard.

TROY: Nice shot, Roscoe.

Thanks, Mr. Troy.

♪ Boom, boom, boom. Another one bites the dust

♪ Boom, boom, boom Another one bites the dust

♪ And another one's gone Another one bites the dust

♪ Ooh, I'm gonna get you, boy Another one bites the dust ♪

Troy.

Tell me you've got my money.

Have you got my money, Leo?

Uh, some.

I do not like "some."

Is it in the upstairs pocket? No, it isn't. Is it in the downstairs pocket?

I'm gonna have to cut your dick off, I'm afraid, Leo.

[ROSCOE SCREAMS]

Who the fuck are you?

-I'm Moose. -TROY: Jesus!

-Nice timing, Moose. -You murderer, Leo!

You killed my Gloria! I'm gonna pull you from limb to limb.

Hold on a minute, Moose. It's not what you think.

[MOOSE GRUNTING]

Leo! Leo!

Leo!

Leo!

I am gonna kill you, Leo!

He can't kill him. I'm gonna kill him.

I'm going to kill you!

Leo!

Leo!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Knob head, what the fuck are you doing?

Calm down, man. I didn't mean it! Get off me man!

No, please, not the car!

Stupid punk!

Moose, haven't you forgotten something?

Aah!

I'm coming, Leo!

Leo!

Leo!

Leo!

Bullocks!

Look out, it's the law!

Leo!

You've pissed me off this time!

-Moose, just let me explain. -I'm gonna rip your head off!

Excuse me, which floor is Room 212 on?

-Second. -Second floor.

Could you tell the big guy?

-Excuse me, sir, can I help you? -Shut up!

Leo!

I'm gonna kill you!

Mrs. Jones...

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

George!

Gloria?

Georgie!

It's Gloria!

They told me you were dead. Look at you.

MOOSE: Your hair feels so good.

-What have you been doing in there? -Chasing Leo.

I'm sorry, Leo.

I don't care. I'll get a divorce. Me and you'll go somewhere. Just us.

I can't be without you again.

Darling, be sensible. What about your kids?

I just don't care.

You're the only thing that matters to me. I'm sorry, Leo.

I could've killed you. Why didn't you say something?

You didn't really seem in the mood for a chat, Moose.

Yeah, I was a little crazy, wasn't I?

But I don't understand what's going on.

Why did Bruno say you was dead?

-Why did he say that? -My poor baby!

Bruno wants me out the way, Moose. He used you to do it.

But I don't understand it.

I would have done it if he had asked.

I guess he mistakenly thought you might have a problem with it.

Why does Bruno want you dead anyway, Leo?

He thinks the sun shines out of your arse.

See, it was Caspar who grabbed me and took me at the station.

Leo got me out and brought me here.

I'm gonna kill him.

-I'm gonna kill 'em both! -There's a better way, Moose.

If you trust me, there is a better way.

I trust you, Leo.

We'll make Bruno pay the clever way.

Yeah. The clever way.

As for Caspar, well, you can do what you like with him.

In fact, the sooner the better.

It'll be my pleasure, Leo.

I think I should get out of town.

I could meet you in Paris, like we always planned.

I'll sort out Caspar. Then me and Leo will sort out Bruno.

And I'll catch you up. And it'll just be me and you, bunny girl.

I can hardly wait.

I gotta go now. It's my turn to put the kids to bed.

Leo. I'm really sorry again.

No worries. I'll call tomorrow.

Bye, darling.

Bye, bunny girl.

Right. Can I get paid now?

Sure. You still want that ticket to Paris?

I'm not going to Paris.

What about Moose?

I dunno.

I'll write him a note.

Tell him to meet me in China.

I can't really see Moose in China.

-Where will you be? -Anywhere but China.

[GUN CLICKS]

Where's Lily?

Let me guess.

Elmo. You're Elmo, right?

-Where's... -Hola,Elmo.

Cuanto tiempo sin verte.

Lily?

Still into that Spanish thing?

Your accent has improved.

Pero esta no es una pistola.

Tu odias las pistolas.

Ever since I heard you were coming, I got over my phobia.

Guys, I've had a hell of a night.

Let's talk about this over a drink. Do you like whisky, Elmo?

12-year-old malt.

Sure.

-Put your gun down, Lil. -I don't think so, El.

I got no real reason to be pissed off. You do.

Glad we can agree on that.

Hand me the gun.

-Rough night? -Yeah.

-It's dangerous business we're in. -Speak for yourself.

I never so much as got a scratch.

Fact. Lily sending me to prison was about the only black mark I got.

You're getting slow.

Ten years ago, no one would creep up on you like I just did.

You know, work's not as plentiful as it used to be.

Banks just aren't that much fun anymore.

It's all computers now.

-That's right. -That why you're taking a hit job?

Workin' for a weenie like Caspar Maitland?

Some guy offers to pay you money

to whack the only person you want to whack, who's gonna say no?

That guy is a weenie.

Had me sitting around this shitty hotel since Tuesday. Nothing to do.

Except the receptionist.

So, are you sure you want to kill Lily?

I think so.

You don't seem that sure.

I'm working on old instincts.

Seems now I need a reason to kill someone.

Used to be I just needed a place.

-My psychiatrist says-- -You got a shrink?

-Mmm-hmm, yeah, it's my wife's idea. -You got a wife?

Uh-huh. Vicky. Got a kid, too.

-I got pictures. You wanna see? -I'll get another bottle.

Are you sure you wanna leave Lily here alone with me?

Yeah.

You'll be fine.

That's a nice family you got there, El.

You look happy.

You know, I am.

Thought about you a lot over these past 10 years.

All bad?

No, about half and half.

First few years, I just wanted to gut you.

Then I wanted to fuck you, then gut you.

Now, I just pretty much want to fuck you.

You always did know how to charm a girl.

I gotta do something though.

Like what?

I suppose I could...

Damn, it's good seeing you again, Lil.

You know, I've suddenly realized I'm not as angry as I thought I was.

Man, that's a load off, let me tell you!

I'm surprised. Pleasantly so.

Me, too.

I might kill my shrink when I get back.

Unless he returns all the money I gave that rotten bastard all these years!

Hey, come and have a drink with us, Leo.

So listen, what's that Caspar fag have against you?

You want me to whack him?

ELMO: Seems a shame to waste the whole trip.

[PHONE RINGING]

CASPAR ON ANSWERING MACHINE: This is Caspar. Please leave a message.

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

LEO: Hello Cassie, you big fairy.

Just thought you'd like to know that Elmo popped round and shot me.

[LEO CHUCKLES]

Not really. Turned out to be quite reasonable actually.

We sorted out our differences and we're all friends again.

Tough shit, Cassie-poo. Better luck next time.

[YELLING ANGRILY]

[GUN FIRES]

Thanks for the loan.

All right if I keep the money? Just say if it's not.

Thanks, partner. Damn decent of you.

Love you.

I love you, too.

-What time is it? -Almost midnight.

I should go and meet our blackmailer.

Bruno will know about Moose by now.

How many guns do you think he'll send?

You can handle them.

I keep thinking he must have an ace in the hole.

Am I underestimating him? Am I thinking of everything?

Even you can't think of everything, Leo.

That's true.

That's why you got me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Why'd you send Moose after Leo? What did I tell you?

I didn't send him. I just told him. I sugar-coated it as much as I could.

-So what happened? Is Leo-- -Course not!

He convinced Moose that you and me are more than just kissing cousins.

And you used Moose to get what you want.

Jesus!

-[GLASS SHATTERS] -What's that?

Relax Bruno, it's not Moose.

Caspar! Can't normally turn round without tripping over Caspar.

Soon as I need the little cock-jockey, he's nowhere to be seen.

Don't worry, I can control Leo. Leo can control Moose.

When they come, we'll be ready. If it ever comes to that.

How many did you send tonight?

What are you saying? Why would I?

One, you told me not to, and two, I didn't expect Leo to still be walking.

How many, Bruno?

I'm just hedging my bets, that's all.

Most people wouldn't walk away from Moose in a temper. Except Leo.

Sending Moose was stupid. Sending those hired guns tonight--

Wait a fucking minute!

I don't need your permission, Lily.

I decide what needs doing and when it's done.

I gave express orders for nothing to happen to Juli.

Anyway, it's all academic, isn't it?

It probably will all be over by now.

-Anything else? -No, that's it.

There you are, mate. Evening special, roast lamb.

On time. Brilliant.

[BRIEFCASE CLICKS]

Happy?

Ecstatic.

What about the tapes?

You're gonna get the tapes, Leo, when I'm out of here and I feel safe.

So, you hold on to this phone and I'll call you.

Kid!

No!

Nothing happens to the accountant.

Okay. I'll give you a choice.

We put down our guns and leave. I'm sure you don't want to die. I don't.

Boss.

-Bloke downstairs wants to see you. -Who?

-The accountant bloke. -Tell him to come up to the office.

He says he'd rather see you downstairs.

Fucking hell!

Julius?

Julius?

Moose?

You knew, didn't you?

Jesus Christ in a fucking blender!

Bloodbath! It was a fucking bloodbath there!

Why the hell didn't you warn me? Huh?

Why didn't you tell me anything?

You need a drink. Come on.

[SOBS]

♪ That's life

♪ That's what all the people say

♪ You're riding high in April

♪ Shot down in May

♪ But I know I'm gonna change that tune ♪

[GROWLS]

Shut it!

-You want a carrot juice? -No, you got something stronger?

No, it's better for your arm. So what happened?

Leo turned up with the money, as arranged.

And so far, so good. Then, these men,

they started pulling up guns.

-Now, why didn't you warn me? -I thought it best.

Now, what happened to Leo? Was Moose there?

He was there.

I think he was disguised as a monk. He had some--

Julius!

Now, what happened to Leo and Moose?

What happened? I'll tell you what happened.

Okay, we put our guns down.

We just walked into the wrong greasy spoon.

Happens all the time. All these fucking places look alike.

JULIUS: For a moment, I thought it was gonna be all right, but then

there was this man and bang, bang.

♪ Lying flat on my face

♪ I just pick myself up And get back in the race

♪ That's life

♪ And I can't deny it

♪ I thought of cutting out, baby, but my heart ain't gonna buy it ♪

And Leo, too?

Yes.

[GASPING]

♪ I'm gonna roll myself up

♪ In a big ball and die

♪ My, my ♪

Nothing else stands in our way.

We've just got to get the money to Lily. Have her sign the documents.

In two hours this is a done deal. All the dogs you want.

Kennels in the Caymans.

[DOG WHINING]

Let's do it.

Yeah.

[TYPING]

So, I'll just need your password.

No offence, Juli.

BRUNO: Okay.

It's done. The money's ready and waiting.

[WOMAN MOANING ON TV]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

-How the fucking hell did you get in? -We've got a problem.

Julius turned up at my place 20 minutes ago.

I should've guessed something was wrong. He was in too much of a hurry.

What?

WOMAN ON TV: You're the best lover I've ever had.

What did he want?

He just dropped off this case and left it.

This is all that was inside.

LEO: Hello, Lily, Bruno.

Surprise!

-What the fuck? -Just keep watching.

Now, I bet you're saying, "What the flipping heck's going on?"

Well, let me explain.

Are you sitting comfortably? Good. Then I'll begin.

Once upon a time there was a wanker called Bruno.

Now, Bruno the wanker, had a big tax problem.

His naughty accountant had embezzled lots of money from Bruno's shipping firm.

So, to stop the Inland Revenue from sending him to prison,

Bruno the wanker, planned to use you, Lily, as a patsy.

Along with his whiz kid new accountant Julius

he was gonna sign Maitland International Shipping to you.

They had a Dutch conglomerate ready to pay an eight-figure sum

into a numbered account in the Caymans.

How does he know?

You're wondering how I know all of this.

Simple. It was my idea.

You got careless. You trusted Julius, but he was working with me.

Julius may have seemed like he was born yesterday, but he wasn't.

He was born the day before yesterday and that's a big difference.

He was a good student.

And Bruno and Lily have been playing us like a couple of mugs.

I'm not interested in the winnings or the money, I just want to make them pay.

How do we make him pay, Leo?

There's no way he can get the money.

Honestly Bruno, you've seen too many old spy movies.

You really should have considered the fact that you know fuck all about computers!

-Did you sign anything? -What? No.

I'll bet right about now, you're asking Lily if she's signed anything.

'Cause you know the deal can't be done until Lily's Jane Hancock's

on a piece of paper.

Go check the top drawer of your desk.

Where the fucking hell is it? Come on!

I can sign your signature better than you can, Lil.

Which means, we have the password and we have the paper to back it up.

Cocksucker!

While you're watching this, $20 million US

is winging its way to the Caymans.

Just not to your account, Bruno.

This is all going fucking wrong!

I fucking want my mum!

It was clever of you to think of Gloria.

For God's sake, this is not working, luv.

When I start strangling you, you start bending over the table.

I've had punters throttle me harder than that.

-Should I stop now? -Yeah, stop now.

Look, I don't know what you want me to do.

LEO: For a pile of cash and a one-way ticket to somewhere else

she was a right little Meryl Streep.

Honestly, Lil,

you and Bruno used Julius to con me.

Bruno and Julius used you to con the Inland Revenue.

While all the time, me and Julius are using you to con Bruno.

It's like a Greek tragedy without the yoghurt.

Some people will say, "I married money." But who cares what they say?

I'm stinking. I win, you lose.

The end.

I don't believe it.

Is Leo dead or...

Move your ass!

-Where are we going? -After Julius, you dumb shit!

Where the hell is my passport? Shit!

Okay, Julius, it's gotta be here somewhere.

Somewhere.

Oh, Jesus.

You fuck!

How could you betray me? I treated you like a son!

LILY: Don't shoot him, you prick!

I wouldn't waste my fucking bullets on him.

Where's the fucking money?

It's in the bag! It's in the fucking bag!

-Here! -Put the gun on him.

Is that the right amount?

-Does Leo have a copy of this? -No, that's it.

All right. You can shoot him now, Bruno.

With pleasure, you little fuck!

Open wide.

[GUN CLICKS]

LEO: Why don't you come out from under Bruno, Julius?

Much nicer over here.

You fuck, Leo!

How could you? I was like a father to you.

Yeah, you were.

He was a complete bastard, too!

Though my real dad never conspired with my wife to have me killed.

Lose the piece.

[GUN DROPS]

Kick it over here.

[GUN CLATTERS]

How did you find my password? Eh?

You said I was the only one who'd know.

You believed me?

-Julius is a very clever fellow. You okay? -Yeah, it's no problem.

LEO: He installed a program that records every keystroke.

Hello.

Even the ones that make up your password.

You know this won't work. Bruno won't let you leave the country alive.

-That much I promise. -Frankly, you're in no position to stop us.

Okay,

you get out the country, then what?

Where do you go?

Which country don't I have contacts in?

Hadn't thought of that one, had you?

We wouldn't be safe anywhere once Bruno raises the alarm.

I guess you're just not allowed to raise the alarm.

Are you gonna go and fucking kill them, now?

Yeah, of course.

-Wait. You can't shoot me. -Why not?

Because if you shoot me, you gotta shoot Lily, too.

-And you wouldn't want to do that. -Shut up, Bruno.

Well, he's right.

Now, I'm in a quandary.

-Do that thing with the coin. -What?

Do that thing with the coin.

Any last requests?

LEO: I'm sorry, Lil.

[GUN FIRES]

Fuck!

Your turn.

What?

I shot her. It's only fair you shoot him.

No, I can't shoot anybody...

Yes, you can. You just point the end with the hole away from you.

No, I never...

Julius, wait a minute.

There's still a way out of this for you.

Julius, let's get this done and leave!

You just squeeze the trigger, nice and easy. Yes, you can.

He won't do it, you know, Leo.

He's my friend.

Right.

[GUN FIRES]

God!

-He's dead! -That's what tends to happen.

-Here. -What.

To the good life.

To the good life.

The good life.

Let's go. We've got a train to catch.

Leo, I can't find my passport.

-I had it and then... -Here!

Where the fuck...

-Where did you find it? -Where you left it. Come on, let's go.

Give me the keys. I'll drive.

Fucking great!

We have done something really impossible here, haven't we?

To me it's like Missionfucking Impossible!

[IN SING-SONG VOICE] We fucking done it!

Hey, Juli.

Come on, let's keep it a secret for just now.

All right.

Excitement has gone to my head now. God, I'm dizzy.

Well, that'll be the champagne.

-No, I had only two sips. -Two's plenty.

-God. -Just take deep breaths.

[GAGGING]

Don't worry, you'll be all right. It'll soon pass.

After that you'll feel a sense of euphoria you never thought possible.

What the fuck have you done?

I've drugged you, slipped you a Mickey.

Slipped you a Mickey Finn.

-Why? Where? -In the champagne. In the flat.

It's all right, it's not fatal.

-Now, why would you-- -You kicked my cat!

What?

You were never meant to play the game. You don't have the brains or the balls.

[HAND BRAKE GRATES]

I'm doing you a favor.

Come here, listen. You don't have long. Listen to me!

When you wake up...

When you wake up, if you're not under arrest...

If you're not under arrest, I'd clear off out of here. You know why?

There's a dead man in your flat and your prints are all over the gun.

Do you understand?

[JULIUS GRUNTING]

-Jul, Juli. Hey, Juli. -What?

Just to show that I'm not all bad, here's a ticket to Paris.

It's not what you were expecting, but it's better than a kick in the teeth.

It's been fun, Juli. Adios.

Don't. Don't.

[MUMBLING]

MAGNUS: Oi!

Leo. [CHUCKLES]

I thought that was you. Catching a train?

-Can you get them from here? -That's the rumor.

-How are you? Game still going? -Course. Want to join us?

Let us win some of the money back you won last time.

I'd love to. No, I've got to catch a train. Some other time.

-What train are you catching? -7:09.

You've got plenty of time.

Sorry, Magnus. Tempting though.

I'll tell you what, you change your mind, come on up.

Sure thing. See you later.

You made it then.

We did it, didn't we?

It's all here.

I told you it would work.

Yeah, you did.

I love you, you tricky short-arsed Scotsman.