Original subtitles

Christmas With Jerks

This is Eve Carter.

Leave me a message.

Hey, sis.

I know it's a weird time of year for you,

but you can still come with us to Hawaii for Christmas.

Okay? Let me know.

Christmas With Jerks

Eve, it's Brian.

I've been on the phone with the studio all morning.

They know they screwed us both over, but

there's nothing we can do at this point.

But we'll get the next one.

Hey, uh,

I saw the viral video of you.

Yikes.

Um, look, I get it.

If you wanna hide out for the holidays,

but I don't want you all alone.

Okay? So just come to Atlanta

and stay with Mickey. Okay?

Christmas With Jerks

Eve, PR is having to work double time for you,

so maybe don't go out this December.

Eve Carter?

You know what?

You got to stop leaving me these angry voicemails,

okay?

I know this reboot's been our baby for years. I

I fought for you.

I fought for you. I really did.

But you can't fight a studio, so just--

You got to stop badmouthing me in public.

Move on.

Bye.

8 Days til Christmas

Yeaaah

Good news!

You at least got a callback for Emma.

It's Off Off Broadway, but

at least it's not New Jersey.

Hey, jackass, it's your sister.

Remember me?

Look, I need to know if you're coming or not.

Call me. Seriously.

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Uncompromising.

Unwilling to admit my faults.

What my ex said.

Glad he's gone, actually.

I want to be alone for holiday.

Alone. Alone, Alone.

Wow. I mean,

that was

Yeah.

Listen, I know that we had to do a callback

as soon as you landed off the plane, but

I'm really, really glad it worked out.

Yeah? My driver understands.

When Brian told me you were going to do a

modern take on Emma. Oh, no.

This play is going to be lit sizzling.

Okay? We're going to get butts back in seats.

Right? Get that butt

back in a seat.

Hashtag live theater, baby.

Yeah? Yeah.

I just want to do meaningful work

from now on.

Hmm. Yeah, yeah,

they really typecast you, huh?

Uh, listen it doesn't really help

that you've had A LOT of uh

crazy moments go viral.

And I've never gotten to work with a female director before,

so I'd love to see you in action.

Cool. Great.

Well, I am so impressed by your range,

and I'm sure that we're going to get word before the holidays,

so I want you to go and just enjoy your family.

Yes.

Same to you.

What did you think?

Five stars. Up high!

Thanks for letting me get that done.

Yeah.

Why aren't you in the new “Christmas With Jerks” movie?

Just lucky, I guess.

Thanks.

“All I got for Christmas was a candy cane!”

I love that line.

You learn the real meaning of Christmas

after being such a brat.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Bye. bye.

Ahh!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Somebody!

Help me!

Help!

Oh god!

My phone!

I don't know how to get in the house!

Up on the housetop reindeer pause

Out jumps good old Santa Clause

down through the chimney with lots of toys

All for the little ones Christmas joys

Oh, oh, oh,

Who wouldn't go?

Oh, oh, oh,

Where'd the keys go?

Up on the housetop, click, click, click

Down through the chimney like old Saint Nick

How you gonna get in the house?

I don't know.

First comes the stocking of little Nell

Old dear Santa, fill it well

Give her a dolly that laughs and cries

one that can open and shut its eyes

Oh, oh, oh

Who wouldn't go?

Oh, oh, oh

Where'd the keys go?

Up on the housetop, click, click, click

Give them keys find them quick

Did you try the window?

Look in the stocking of little Bill

Oh, just see what a glorious fill

Here is a hammer and lots of tacks

a whistle, and a ball, and a whip that cracks

Check the gnome Check the gnome

There you go There you go

Up on the housetop, click, click, click

You found the keys, yeah, that's sick

Throw a party!

You don't have to climb down the chimney!

Woohoo!

Yeah, baby!

We're gettin' in that house.

Ah huh!

Thank you, gnome.

You don't have to climb down the chimney

Like Old Saint Nick

Mickey?

To family!

Thank God they're not here!

Social media royalty: Shadonna Lambert

has landed the coveted lead role

in the reboot of the holiday classic, “Christmas with Jerks”.

DEADLINE previously reported that the eighties child star

Eve Carter was reprising her role as “Cookie Jerk”,

But it appears the 44 year old has been replaced

by the 30 year old influencer

with over 10 million followers.

When asked why the recasting

this is what director Charlie Belflour had to say:

“How could I argue with 10 million people?”

Next up, how young is too young for Botox?

Touch Me

Baaaby

Oooh, oooh, oooh

We should be together

The moment's here now

You might want to do that somewhere a little more private.

Jesus Christ!

Mickey!

Who are you?

Ace.

Jim's cousin.

Oh, dear God.

No, just “Ace” is fine.

Hey, Ace.

Beat it, squirt.

You grew up.

You too.

You remember me?

My cousin's in-law is “Cookie Jerk”.

How could I forget?

Will you please do the candy cane line for me?

Please?

No! Why are you here?

I'm dog sitting.

Recovering from surgery.

What are you doing here besides uhh

I have a mosquito bite.

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

I -I -I want to wallow in my misery alone.

with Mickey!

and not be judged by someone like you.

So get out!

Well if it makes you feel any better

I'm not that judgy.

This is my sister's house.

She said I could stay here.

And I forgot to confirm with her but

It's her house so

Get out!

No.

Jim asked me to watch the dog,

and I need a bedroom on the main, so I --

I don't care!

Do I look like I care?

Are you or are you not leaving?

No.

I'm not.

I could pay you.

I don't need your money.

Okay.

But I'll get you a nice hotel.

I'll get you a nice hotel!

My god!

This is my sister's house!

and I'm never going back into the world again.

Or until after Christmas.

Same.

Sorry, Cookie.

I ain't leavin'.

And word to the wise:

If you're going to wallow in your misery

with your mosquito bite,

make sure you have on underwear.

Ohh!

Get out!

I don't like you!

So good to see you again!

Look, I don't care who stays there

as long as someone takes care of Mickey.

Send me a new phone, Ash!

I'm dying over here!

Happy holidays?

Come on.

Mickey was my mom's dog, and I'm not leaving.

So you better get your crap and--

Seven days til Christmas

Oh, no, he did not!

Ugh!

It's pretty hot here for December

Or is that just the way you're making my blood boil?

You put my brain into a blender

Throw it out before it spoils

It's like I'm living in a nightmare

And now you've ruined everything that I enjoy

I'm writing Santa, this is not fair

Gonna take away your toys

Helluva Holiday with you

A lump of loathing is the only thing

You will get under this roof

Helluva Holiday with you

I'll stuff your stocking

And I'll show you where you can put your tofu

You took the joy from my martinis

But just like spite, I have a holiday supply

There's nothing cheerful here about us

And I-uh

Sweet baby Jesus!

Oh!

My god

I didn't know anyone actually looked like this.

Helluva Holiday with you

I'll stuff your stocking

And I'll show you where you can put your tofu

extra firm tofu

Oh.

Wow.

Ooh!

Like I was saying

Helluva Holiday!

With you! With you!

With you!

Helluva Holiday!

Holiday with you! Holiday!

With you!

6 days till Christmas

It's getting ugly in here

HELLUVA HOLIDAY WITH YOU!

-No! A lump of loathing

Is the only thing you will get under this roof

Helluva Holiday with you!

A touch of snow

And then we'll see how long

you're in the bathroom

Helluva holiday

Helluva Holiday with you!

I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you more.

Oh, my God.

Oh

Mac!

Hey.

Yeah. Just uh

laying low for the holidays.

Uh, January.

Yeah, rehearsals are up in January.

Oh I'll--

I'll be-I'll be ready.

What?

That computer working?

Actually, the internet's down.

Can I please borrow your phone

for, like, 2 seconds?

Only if you promise to go to a hotel.

I need to call my doctor.

Ha!

My God.

Same.

Hey, uh, this is Ace Strong

calling Dr. Arjona back.

Doc! Hey. Hey. Uh

What's the good news?

Scans look good?

Right but I'm goin'--

I'm goin' be good to go by January, right?

I know that

95% of people

need longer to recover from this, but --

you and I both know I'm not 95% of people, right?

Doc? I've--

I've been doing my exercises every day.

and, and then some.

So what happens if I go through with filming then?

Permanent damage?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, umm

Yeah. Yes.

We should reassess next week.

Absolutely.

Talk to you then.

All right.

Bye.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Let nothing you dismay

was born on Christmas Day

Eve!

to save us all

EVE!

from Satan's power

What is going on?!

I lost 5 whole pounds!

So I'm baking brownies, Darling!

Can you turn the music down?

Not at all! Au revoir!

comfort and joy

No, I got it!

I got it.

Why do you listen

to such bad Christmas music?

I can't find anything else.

There's 11-teen remotes.

Look at that!

My phone hasn't come in. Can I please borrow yours?

No.

I need to take this.

Bianca! Hey

girl, um

Yeah, no, uh, you got my message.

That's awesome, uhh

I'm just wanted to let you know

I'm back in town, and uh

Yeah, for the next, next gig

um, I may or may not

be wearing spandex, so

Uh-but-I was wondering if you were--

Yeah, no. Cool.

That's That's cool, uh

Sure. Whenever. Just

uh text me and--

Bianca?

Peace in the Middle East?

That's not applicable.

So how did you get hurt?

Driving a car out of an airplane.

Okay.

You like this person?

She's my ex.

You want her back?

Okay.

So what's the big plan, Ace?

Beg.

Okay, I can help.

but not tonight. Cause I'm about to be

real messed up and I'm not trying to go back to jail.

But mañanawe work on it.

I swear to God.

Sorry.

Eve Carter in “A Matchmaker for Christmas.”

That's actually a great title.

I need to call my agent.

No.

You know what?

Give me that drink. No!

No! You gave this to me!

You-uh--

Eve! Hey, hey, hey!

Maybe the universe

wants you to disconnect.

Maybe the universe wants you to fuck off.

Hey, that's not funny.

I'm still healing!

Eve! Don't be a c-uhh.

crone.

Don't be a crone.

You just wait till that cannabis juice kicks in, fella.

You won't know up from down.

What?

I hope you don't have to pee!

Kay, byeee!

I have to pee so bad.

Five days '‘til Christmas

You're up to no good

Ooooh

Are you ready to fall in love this Christmas?

Under the mistletoe

Is a kiss on the top of your wish list?

Well, I know a girl you should know

She's sugar and spice

Naughty and nice

Waiting under that evergreen

If you're ready to fall in love this Christmas

Fall in love with me

Lunch?

Is it laced?

With my scorn.

So what'd you do to run off Kiki?

Bianca.

Ooh la la.

She would say I was a bit

of a killjoy.

I see that.

I didn't go to this one influencer thing and

Didn't feel like faking happiness

in front of a bunch of strangers and cameras, you know?

Yeah. She lives here?

Midtown.

Okay.

I got an A in stalking in high school,

and this was long before the interweb, Mr..

We had to do the legwork.

I once followed a guy all the way to Lake Lure and--

I got it.

You're insane.

It's almost Christmas.

So what's some stuff she always does?

Her best friend Crystal

always throws a Christmas Eve party. Every year.

She gets there early, stays late.

She always rides me for not dressing up

for these events either.

And I believe in dressing for the job that you want,

and athleisure wear-- I get it.

You're a schlub.

Okay.

This is going to work.

You'll go to the party, wear something spiffy,

get her a little gift, prepare a few words.

We got this.

We got this?

Yeah.

You and me? Oh yeah.

You're going to help me? Mmhmm.

And you'll

let me use your phone

and leave me the house by Christmas Eve.

So win win.

So what's the big plan, Eve?

No fucking way!

She hasn't been offered the role yet,

but we know she's auditioned.

That's my goddamn part!

And she's-what? 12?!

Gigi has over a million followers,

So I can't even get this teeny, tiny role

off-Broadway--

Off-OFF-Broadway.

Exactly!

They have, like, 50 seats to fill.

What do they care about a following like that?

Just keep doing what you're doing.

Lay low.

No mishaps.

And it'll be if it's meant to be.

Bye.

My agent just--

You don't care.

I hate that shirt and it hates you.

Next!

What? Worse!

Who's your stylist? The Rock?!

What are you? Some kind of

Muscle Milk

tuna fish twice a day

tank top lovin' freak?

Yes.

Gross.

Eee! Look at this!

Check this suit out.

Pure class.

A grand?!

Is it motorized?!

You get what you pay for.

I'm not paying for anything.

Oh, I kind of already got us some sushi delivery.

And some saki.

And a Great American Cookie Company cookie cake!

What is up with you?

It's called self love.

And I'm leaning into it.

And where's your phone?

It's on back order.

But Ashley's sending me one tomorrow.

I got an idea! BRB.

Pomegranate martinis!

Would you care for a drink, sir?

No. I'm watching my figure.

They're sugar free.

But booze forward.

I won't let you snack after. Promise.

Come on!

I make it a point never to drink alone

while someone else is in the room.

Fine.

Tart.

In a less narcissistic life,

I was a mixologist.

Or Donatella Versace!

Yeah, well in a less dangerous life

I was a gym owner.

Well, now you can be?

What? No!

I'm a stuntman.

You know? It's

not just what I do. It's who I am.

Like, you with the acting thing, right?

Yeah.

Let's not get too personal, shall we?

I was thinking about getting

umm.

some jewelry?

For Banaca?

Bianca!

Right? Hmm.

Okay, I love these earrings.

They say “I want to do you

but like

forever.”

Maybe in another life you were a personal shopper.

Well now I can be?

I'll be like Norma Desmond from “Sunset Boulevard”,

but instead of holing up in my house wooing a younger man,

I'll be helping folks pick the exact right

pair of cufflinks to wear to granddaddy's funeral.

Why are you some kind of like

crazy Auntie Mame hermit these days?

Oh, my God.

That's like the best compliment I've ever gotten in my life!

I love that you know that film!

My mom watches movies.

She loved you in “Operation Octopus”.

Nobody liked that movie!

She would leave her singles cruise in a lifeboat right now

If she knew I was with

“The Cookie Jerk”

Oh, I do send that out.

Every year.

Just look at--

See, they show that

and then they show this.

Like, “she used to be sooo cute,

but look at her now.”

Like it's a crime getting old!

Yeah, for men too.

It's worse for women.

Okay.

But

men can't be weak.

And that's why I picked my stage name:

Strong.

Ace Strong.

Stop! It's

very on the nose. It's very on the nose!

Okay, okay.

But if you could go back,

would you turn down the role?

So we're getting personal?

Shall we?

No, I mean,

I love being on set.

but then I'd go back and learn how to direct. You know?

like Spielberg it as a teenager.

Tell the stories.

So do it now.

It's hard.

And I'm just-- Don't.

I'm too old to start! No!

No, I am! Nooo!

No! Stop! You--

You bought in! You're--

You're ageist against yourself.

No! Uh--

Okay.

What about you, tough guy?

Huh? What?

Your ankle's pretty messed up.

I am in the best shape of my life.

Okay? Doctor says the word.

I'm back on track.

And if not?

I just need a couple good years.

When you don't get hurt?

Yeah.

And

You know, then maybe I can

get into stunt coordinating.

I just need to

you know, make a name for myself first.

But if not there's like

other things people like you can do, right?

“People like me”?

who

train their whole lives

care for their body, and

then have the best

opportunity of their career

only to have a freak accident?

No.

No, this is wh

what I was born to do.

You're scared to reinvent yourself.

And so am I.

'‘Cause I'm old!

I have bursitis!

and my skin is retreating

from my neck!

Stop laughing!

It's not funny!

It's real.

Nobody thinks this is sexy.

And guess what? I'm right there with them.

I want to hump some 18 year olds too!

I maybe just don't want to have to talk to '‘em after.

'‘Cause all my jokes are from 30 year old films and TV.

I can quote the hell out of some “Full House”

and I want someone to appreciate that.

Stop laughing!

Come here, baby. Kiss me under this mistletoe

Hey, can you um

pass me some gingersnaps?

No! No, no!

A promise is a promise, Sparky.

Sparky?

And we are on a crash diet

for Kimmy Gibbler's birthday party.

See? See what I did?

It was good.

Okay.

Can you get yourself home alright, partner?

Believe so.

Okay.

Wind you up, boy

Get your gears going

Yeah

Hey now, hey now, hey now

As I pull your little string

Make you say the nicest thing

Oh! Oh, hey now, hey now, hey now

If could have my way

You'd be my robot baby

Hey now, hey now, hey now

'‘Cause you're better than a boyfriend

Who would take my heart and pretend

to stay now

Hey now, hey now

Robot boy, hey,

Beep boop, beep boop beep boop

Robot boy. Sing it loud!

Beep boop, Beep boop, beep boop

I

I try

to believe in love before

But it leaves me wanting more

I

have tried

to fall in love again

But it always hurts my feelings

All I need is a Robot Boy

'‘Cause he will bring me joy

And I know he won't break my heart

like the other boys did before

Robot Boy, hey

Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop

Robot Boy, hey

Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop

Robot Boy, hey!

Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop

Robot Boy. Everybody at home!

Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop

4 Days '‘til Christmas

Girl, you do you

Yeah!

Not sure you're famous enough for the wig and glasses.

Okay.

What are you going to say to her when you see her?

Set the scene for me.

She's there looking all gorgeous,

surrounded by people full of holiday cheer.

You're there. Sharp suit, Grinch face.

What are you going to say, Hot Shot?

Hey, uh, Bianca I--

Uhh, hey Bianca.

What's up, girl?

That's not what I sound like.

No, you got to be suave.

Sweep her off her feet. You know?

Sweep her

up onto your scooter.

I want to tell her that this accident

put a lot of things into perspective for me?

And

that I'm willing to be more flexible.

And

Li-listen

to her?

Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

Oh that--

“That's good”?

No snark from Eve Carter?

Why are you saying my whole name like you're from TMZ?

Maybe you can segue into tabloid host.

You're here live with

Ace Strong,

former stunt man, current gossip king of Avondale Estates.

We're outside the home of

some famous asshole just trying to live their life in peace.

Let's see if we can catch a glimpse

of their greasy hair whilst they haul their

recycling bin full of vodka bottles to the curb!

Alright.

I'll give this a whirl. You take this.

Don't stare at me like that.

I just don't want to have to piggyback your ass to the house.

You are 100% going to piggyback my ass to the house.

No, sir. I will leave you on the ground.

Oh, Jesus!

How long have you been there?

What uh--

What do you think?

You look really nice.

“Really nice”?

Mm hmm.

Yeah, but you kind of look like a pallbearer.

You need some Ace flair.

What the hell does that mean?

Eeeek!

Happy Hour starting

early?

I can't remember my passwords,

except for my Nordstrom password, '‘cause I'm a lady.

Oh, good.

What are you missing out on?

I'm trying post a photo of this beauty.

Take a picture of it.

I'm trying to post a photo so people can see it.

Like my sister who gave it to me.

She knows what a cake looks like.

Okay, but it's me saying I'm grateful.

So call her and tell her.

Okay, also I'd get like 3000 likes.

It's called social capital.

If someone likes you,

you're more appealing to others.

People would be all impressed by your

big pretty cake and think more highly of you?

Bianca was into the same stuff. It's nuts.

You know none of this means anything, right?

It might mean the difference between me getting my dream job or not.

Oh!

Eve, why didn't--

Why didn't you say that?

Let me help you out.

Like.

Like.

Like.

Like. Stop that.

Like.

Stop! Like.

Like, like.

Like, like. You know what?

Nobody likes you.

Yikes.

See that's why I'm not on the socials.

It's ugly out there.

Also,

you can't have any of my cake.

I don't want any of your damn cake!

It's coconut.

What?

Even more reason!

Sure you don't want some?

No.

Stop!

You have--

What?

You have frosting--

No. Did I get it?

No. It's on the other side.

Stop!

You look so dumb. Stop.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Thanks, buddy.

3 Days '‘til Christmas

Oh, he smells so good!

Charlie Belfour

The-the director?

He's an hole!

You know they titled it

“Christmas with MORE Jerks”

Tha-the title!

That movie is gonna blow!

All Cookie Jerk wanted for Christmas

was a Punky Brewster doll.

Jiminy Christmas!

This eggnog is disgusting!

And that little jerk

would stop at nothing

until she got one.

Her family will follow her

all over New York City until they find her.

All I got for Christmas is a candy cane!

And in the meantime,

they just might find the true meaning of Christmas.

Christmas with Jerks

Now

take off your clothes.

Now do exactly as I say.

Turn to the left.

Yes.

Now turn to the right.

We are going to indicate incision sites.

Areas to be altered.

As well as those to be avoided when you get here.

But this will save some time.

Okay, we can straighten out your nose

when we do the rest of your face.

And, uh

What about your earlobes?

My earlobes?

Yes. Most patients prefer to have the detached earlobes.

I can do this for you, no problem.

Okay.

And you mentioned some

syndactyly in your digits?

Some webbed toes?

Oh, yeah.

Careful, doc. They're the reason I'm a fast swimmer.

Oh, wow.

I-I see you have sizable bunions as well.

Uh, that's okay. That's--

That's-That's not-uh-- That's not good.

But I can take care of both of these for you.

They don't hurt.

Just wait.

And in the meantime, we can take care of these unsightly bumps, hmm?

Okay, uh, you haven't mentioned

labiaplasty, but I'm seeing some--

Oh, no, no, no, no.

My girl is perfect just the way she is.

We're doing some incredible things

in vaginal rejuvenation for

women of

advanced age.

Could I just get an itemization of the costs?

Of course.

Do you have any more questions for me?

Is it going to hurt?

For sure!

Pain is painful, right?

You having a party?

Christmas comes, but once a year!

That's quite a dress.

This old thing?

It's a family tradition.

My mom always did a big hors d'oeuvres night

before Christmas.

She was a teacher, and her students would bring her little treats.

And we'd cover the table in '‘em and it was like

snack roulette.

I'm telling a story.

Take the champs.

And she'd put out all the presents they gave her.

you know, like pot holders and

stuff with little apples on it.

But this one year,

she had a student and she said,

he didn't have anything to give her.

So the day before break,

he brings her this dress

in a beat up old box.

And it was his mom's.

And it was the nicest thing they could think to give her.

That was the Christmas after my dad died.

And we all just cried about it the whole night.

And said how he would've cried too, you know?

And then my mom would wear it

every year after.

I think to show up for us.

You know?

For her life.

Ashley inherited it, so--

My dad

died last year.

Does it get easier?

Okay, uh

Why didn't she

return the dress?

She tried!

They wouldn't take it back. Aw!

Okay!

That's my crab Rangoon. Do not be a scrotum!

Eat my Rangoon.

It's delicious.

Beep boop, beep boop

beep boop. Robot Boy, sing it now!

Hello!

Eve Carter.

What are you up to?

You've gotten 2,000 new followers in 24 hours?

Who is this mystery man?

Wait for it.

I'm just laying low and proving I'm the best person

for the role of Emma, darling!

I'm a matchmaker at heart.

Well

Can't hurt.

Follow along, dear.

I have a plan!

2 Days '‘til Christmas

Ew, ew, ew, you better wash those hands!

Oh?! Were you still sleeping?

Yeah.

I need

a full 9 when I'm recovering.

You got 10 minutes. Time's a wasting.

Come on, Mickey!

Let's go!

For what?!

Ready to fall in love this Christmas?

Fall in love with me

Jam' on!

What?

You are going to make sure

that Brit Brit knows you're ready to party.

Bianca.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Texting her.

What are you writing?

Are you going to be at Crystal's tomorrow night?

“Do you still like me?”

“Check yes or no.”

'‘Kay.

She ended things

because you're no fun.

And

I'm not flexible?

I mean, physically, I am very flexible.

Alright, maybe not emotionally, though.

So what we need to do is let her know you've changed

So by the time you see her,

she's gagging for it.

I don't think you can say things like that anymore.

Yeah, I can. But you certainly shouldn't.

Pull up Instagram.

Facebook?

It got hacked a while back, but I

think the account is still there?

Okay, let's roll.

Okay.

Hey, guys, uh

long time no see.

At the request of a friend,

uh, I wanted to let you know

I'm back in town!

I'd love to see you.

Grab a holiday nosh.

Yeah. So hit me up!

I cannot say “nosh”.

I'm not one of the Golden Girls.

Okay.

That was good energy, though.

This time

say “drink” instead of “nosh” and

give me a little devilish grin at the end.

You know I'm not an actor, right?

Yeah, I can tell.

Okay.

Hey guys! Long time no see.

At the request of a friend

Hey!

She watched my video!

She watched my video!

Yes!

Mmm!

Windmill it out!

Come on!

I can't do that!

Eve?!

EVE!

Hey, come here.

Crystal texted!

Hey! Crystal-Crystal texted.

The friend?

What'd she say?

Come to my Dog and Nog.

Hot dogs and eggnog. It's--

It's a thing.

Gagging.

You're so gross!

Let's celebrate.

Ashley told me how to turn on the hot tub.

What?

Come on, let's go!

We'll do some swimming.

Breaststroke.

What? What?

Come on, come on.

Hop up. Hop up. Hop up!

Who could say no to that?

Let's go!

Angela Merkel,

Melania Trump,

or Michelle Obama?

Oh, clear winner.

I gotta marry Michelle.

No!

It's a trick question.

Don't marry anyone.

Just be with someone

and be good to them

for as long

as you both shall live.

Alright.

Did you ever tie the knot?

I almost got married

for the wrong reasons

twice.

Why didn't you pull the trigger?

I think I needed to grow up some.

Yeah.

Hashtag spinster life.

Did you ever

tie the knot?

Nah.

Too busy working.

I

like the nomad life.

Same.

Mmm. Mmm!

You can work around the clock at a big muscle gym!

“A big muscle gym”?

Mmhmm.

And have tuna fish

and wheatgrass Happy Hours

every Friday morning at 5 a.m.

after boot camp.

That actually sounds pretty great.

Ew! You're the worst.

What?

But I do need to get back to the gym in the new year.

No! You're the worst. People like you!

Always waiting '‘til the New Year

“New Year's resolutions”

“Diet starts on Monday.”

No, it's now!

Ahh!

Doesn't matter anyway because

I'm getting a full body tuneup, toot sweet.

What?

Yeah.

I'm getting a little NJ and a pick me up.

I don't speak Rodeo Drive.

Uh, liposuction,

some lifts and a nose job.

That's

crazy.

Is it?

I never had any work done

because I was Cookie Jerk

for 35 fucking years

and then they shot the reboot without me!

They hired an influencer

to play my role with my film family.

So,

I don't think I need to look like Cookie anymore!

Sorry.

It got loud.

It got really loud.

Look

go for what you want, Eve.

But do it on your terms.

And

you know

Don't carve yourself up like a Christmas ham

and expect to be happy after.

Christmas ham?!

That's going to be the title of my memoir.

Or my band name! Aw!

So I whipped my shirt off,

and I had

the world's oldest bra on

like cotton clamshells

from the fifties. I had borrowed it from my mother.

But I was going to do it with my crush,

and then he whispered,

“You're moving too fast.”

No!

You did not get laid?

Oh, aw!

I wish!

That-- So,

I was on this TV show out in Arizona,

and there was this woman on set.

God, she was gorgeous.

I was so nervous to talk to her.

But I finally got the chance

to make out with her, right?

But I had had so much Jack Daniels

that by the time

that it was time

No boner?

Taffy pull.

Ewww!

That's not good!

No.

She didn't look me in the eyes again.

Aww!

There is one person I still think about from time to time.

You know, my uh

first.

Mmmm.

You know, '‘cause my--

my body said he was something special.

And your brain?

Said we might kill each other.

Should you track him down?

God, no. I mean, I did, years ago. But--

He's married.

Two kids.

Kinda looks like a

stodgy old man now.

So he got--

I know, I know.

But he doesn't look like fun old.

He looks like

an angry Santa. You know?

Why'd you call it quits?

Well, I think he loved me,

but he didn't like me.

And what is not to like?

Okay.

Okay!

But let's talk about true love.

Let's talk about

Brianna.

Bianca! It's Bianca!

Come on!

Does your body just know?

Yeah.

I think so. Yeah?

All right, well

that's it for me.

Okay.

I should've had some agua.

Here. Here. Get--

No! No! Eve! Eve!

Ow!

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Eve.

I--

I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's not okay.

We're just a little drunk.

I'm crazy, but I try to never be a complete douche.

You're not a complete douche.

Just

maybe a partial douche?

'‘Kay, I'm gonna

I--

Can you, uh--

Yeah.

Okay. Oh, hey.

“Chin up, Cookie.”

Are you doing movie lines on me?

Yea--

Eve--

1 Day '‘Til Christmas

Girl, what did you do?

Hi. Did you find everything okay?

I did.

Wait,

are you Cookie Jerk?

I'm Cookie Jackass now.

I knew it!

I almost didn't recognize you because

Got tall?

Yeah!

Eve?

That's why they call me

Ace Strong.

Okay, can't do that yet. Can't do that yet.

That's okay.

You big old dirty slut!

I cannot believe you tried to bone Ace!

I thought you were done with love and going out in public.

I am.

Yeah, clearly.

Where are you right now?

In Jim's car,

in front of the house.

Okay.

Are you done?

Oh, I am never going to let you live this one down.

Absolutely not, Sister.

Ugh.

Do you have the coconut cake?

I already ate it.

I got something else.

Light her up!

Alright.

Okay, done.

Happy birthday, Baby Girl.

I love you. I love you.

Thanks.

Okay now, Evie, say the words.

I don't feel like it today.

I'm not asking.

I'm thankful for my birthday.

Mmhmm.

And every day.

I'm thankful for the chance to get older.

that some people never get.

Mmhmm.

I'm thankful for my family and friends.

And this here red velvet cupcake!

Mmhmm!

Get a big old bite, Sister!

Mmm, that's good.

Mmm!

Oh, Jesus.

That's rude.

What? Is somebody there?

Mmhmm.

Show me. Show me!

Hey! You big jerkface! Why don't you

back the fuck up? Stop!

I'm still trying to get that job!

Why do you think I've been doing all these posts about Ace?

What are you talking about?

I'm growing my following the old fashioned way.

Lots of cryptic posts about love.

Oh, my God. You got to take these down right now.

I can't.

They've got shitloads of views.

I can't believe you'd do this to him.

What? It's fine.

He's not even online.

Right! But the studio people that hired him are!

And you can clearly tell it's him in this last one.

I cannot believe you'd do this!

Ashley, it's fine.

No, it is not.

Do you even know why he's alone for the holidays?

He's recovering from surgery.

Right, and he doesn't want anyone

to know so he can keep his next job.

It's a big one, Evie.

I would think you of all people would respect his privacy.

Ash!

Ash?! Don't “Ash” me. Look.

Take that shit down. Now. I got to go.

Take that shit down now.

Now!

Oh, Jesus.

Brian, talk to me.

So, down to business.

You didn't get the role of Emma.

What? Why?

I have thousands of new followers.

Andrea saw your last post and said it's no bueno.

But we'll get the next one.

Fuck!

Shit!

What do you think, Coach?

It's better.

Yeah?

Long time fanboy, huh?

Suits you.

The red.

You know, I could drive you over there.

She doesn't live that far away.

Oh, my buddy's waiting for me out front.

uh, so the house is yours.

Oh, and

I, uh,

I got you something.

Thanks.

Hey, do you remember the first time we met?

Yeah.

I was kind of a bitch, I guess.

No you weren't.

I was trying to get a kiss from Riley Tippet.

Gross!

Hey, Ace?

You know what my Mimi always says?

The bus comes along

every 10 minutes.

What does that mean?

It means you'll be a heartbreaker

after puberty.

Beat it, squirt.

Puberty.

And I have been a Cookie Jerk fan

ever since.

You were

magic.

I was young and full of myself.

So be old and full of yourself.

I'm full of something.

All right,

beat it, squirt.

Eve, I--

Ace, actually I want to tell you something.

The other night, I was so messed up.

You've been posting about me?

That's what I wanted to tell you.

See, that wasn't even about you.

It's just that-- Eve, what the hell?

Why would you do this?

Listen, I--

I don't want to hear it.

It's Christmas Eve in the city

Fuck!

And all around the world

wish good will towards man

Bianca.

Hey, you.

Can I grab you a nog?

I'm sorry.

Where's Ace?

He only drinks raw eggs and lives in dry fit.

I'm trying to do things a little different.

It's good to see you.

Eve Carter.

Hey, you calling to yell at me again on Christmas Eve?

I got my kids on the speakerphone

so they can hear everything.

No, Charlie.

Well look, “Christmas with More Jerks”

wasn't quite right without you, kid.

Shadonna, it turns out,

is quite the “Sha-diva”.

So that's on me.

Can you forgive me? Maybe. Listen,

I need a favor.

under the mistletoe

Is a kiss on the top of your wish list?

Well I know a girl you should know

She's sugar and spice

Eve?

Naughty and nice

What are you doing here?

What? Came to finish the job,

just needed an audience?

Go ahead. Just do it to my face.

I don't even have my phone.

Sorry if I don't believe you.

That's fair.

Who's this?

Cookie Jerk!

Oh, my gosh!

Let's take a selfie!

Why are you here, Eve?

I just wanted to make sure you got here okay.

And you did. You're doing great!

So I'm just going to go.

I screwed up.

I was so focused on what I wanted

I wasn't even thinking about you.

I just wanted you out of that house.

But somebody told me recently that if I wanted something,

I should go for it on my terms.

But the thing is, right now,

all I want

is just a little more time with you.

Ooh!

Thank you.

Mistletoe!

Who is next?

Come on. We-We talked about this.

Simon, consent.

Okay, Well, I--

Are you okay?

Wow.

She's, like,

obsessed with you.

That's

so sad.

She's sugar and spice

But she's not asking twice

Waiting under that evergreen tree

If you're ready to fall in love this Christmas

Fall in love with me

You're saying no?

Andrea saw that viral party video.

She wants you now for Emma.

And your passing?!

Is this some kind of midlife crisis thing now?

No!

But you're bailing on the plastic surgery trip?

Well, I'm still going to get my Botox.

'‘Cause I'm not an animal.

And Andrea said I could shadow her

while she directs Emma this summer.

So you want to direct now?

I'm getting whiplash over here.

Look, I got to get back to my family.

Yeah, of course.

Let's talk next week.

Maybe you'll come to your senses.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you, too.

Group shot!

Here, like this.

Next stop, Claremont Rooftop?

Havana Club!

Umm,

let's just go to a bar.

Mmhmm.

Why, Satan? Why?!

Christmas With Jerks

Gross.

Hey, Mac.

Yeah, you saw the post.

Look, I'm-I'm really sorry.

Wait, what?

They want to offer me what?

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!

Oh, tell me do you want to get down tonight?

Do the Christmas boogie and it feels alright

Santa, let the music move your feet

Feel the eternal rhythm to the crazy beat

Aren't you tired of driving that same old sleigh?

You deserve a night to just play, play, play

No one's going to miss you for an hour or so

Come on, Santa! Let yourself go

Eve?

Oh shit!

Uh, sorry! Sorry!

Sorry.

Eve, thank you.

I know you made some calls for me.

And

I get to stay in the multiverse. They're

going to let me coordinate.

Are you sad you won't be in the spandex?

Uh, with the higher rate I think I'll survive.

You know, I was--

I was getting dressed.

Huh?

My ankle.

I wasn't driving a car out of a plane.

I was getting dressed.

Got my foot caught in my underwear, and

I tripped.

I guess I'm.

I guess I'm getting-- Old?

Well,

today's my birthday.

I really like your suit.

She wanted you back.

Yeah.

She just

doesn't really like me.

What's not to like?

You know my body says you're something special.

And your brain?

Says we might kill each other.

Oh, we're definitely going to kill each other.

I just want to be with you for Christmas

Wrap you up in a big red bow

All I got for Christmas was a candy cane.

Oh, my God.

You did the line!

You did the line, and you made it naughty.

You

are

magic.

You are

overdressed.

I couldn't agree more.

Oh, no! Going down!

You okay?

No.

I'm Ace.

Come on and fill my Christmas stocking

Turn on all my Christmas lights

I'm going to need to piggy back your ass to the bed, aren't I?

Absolutely.

Here we go!

Halleluuuuuu ujah!

Christmas came

twice

for real.

Merry Christmas, Eve.

Uh oh.

Found your little friend.

Her name is Maude.

And she could be your friend too.

Oooh.

Ooh!

Ooh! Oh, okay!

You big old dirty slut!

I knew it.

Merry Christmas?

You're buying me new sheets. Both of you.

Does this have other settings?

Ohh! Oh, my God!

Oh, it goes faster! Oh, hello.

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks

Christmas With Jerks