Original subtitles

I like holding hands with policemen.

I'd sooner you put that in the singular really.

Sorry, Sarge.

I like holding hands with pregnant women.

Do that a lot, do you?

Only lately.

As you're CID,

you won't be wearing uniform again, will you?

I'd stick out if I did.

I liked you in uniform.

Well, when we get somewhere to live, I'll wear it round the house.

There's no rush. Jean says we can stay with her and Lionel for as long as we like.

What does Lionel think?

I don't expect he knows yet.

That sounds about right.

They're nice people but we need a place of our own.

I'll never forget how kind they've been to me.

When I moved in, I was in a bit of a mess and they gave me some security when I needed it most.

I know they did.

There was always a sort of calm about this house.

Oh!

What did you do that for?

Sssh. Sssh. I've been waiting for you.

Why? Sssh. Sssh. Why?

May I ask what's going on?

It's Lionel. He's got somebody with him.

Then why are you in here? Cos he may not want me in there. Sit down.

Why are we whispering? Cos I don't want Lionel to think I'm talking to anybody about him.

So if he comes in, don't say anything to him. Why ever not?

Cos he may not want you to.

I'm not making much sense, am I?

You've done better.

This person that Lionel's with, he's from Kenya.

He says that Lionel's his father. His father?

Yes. I thought Lionel said that he and... Margaret. ..Margaret, didn't have any children.

He did. Who's this bloke then?

To start with, he's black.

That can only mean... It was a pretty loveless marriage. So Lionel played away from home?

Harry! No, that's all I can think.

What does Lionel say? I don't really know.

They fell into each other's arms so I left them to it.

That's not like you. I know. I don't function very well in a state of shock. I don't know what to do.

There is a way to find out. Criminal records?

No, go in there and ask.

I can't just waltz in and say, "Lionel, is this your son?"

No, but things are bound to come up in the conversation, aren't they? Tell-tale things.

One thing's for sure. They obviously know each other.

Well, if Lionel is his father, they would, wouldn't they?

I can't understand why Lionel never mentioned it.

Maybe he thought it would never come up. Well, it has come up.

With a vengeance.

And one way or another, I've got to find out.

I can't not go in there, can I?

No.

One thing, Harry, can you arrest somebody for somebody claiming he's your father?

I don't think so.

No.

Well, go in there.

I'll just do that now.

Hello again. Where have you been?

Been? Yes, you shovelled Patrick in here and then disappeared.

I just thought you'd both like a cup of tea

and then I decided you probably didn't, so I didn't make one.

Anyway, you haven't been introduced.

Patrick, this is Jean.

Jean, I told you about Patrick. No. Hello, Patrick.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

Do sit down.

So...

..all the way from Kenya, Patrick?

All the way from Kenya.

Lionel was in Kenya.

Well, of course, you know that.

Thankfully for me, yes.

I must write to my brothers and sisters and tell them that you got married again.

Brothers and sisters? Three brothers and two sisters.

Well, well.

That's quite a family. We wouldn't have been if it wasn't for Lionel. Lionel?

What? You didn't tell me. I'm sure I mentioned it.

I wouldn't have gone on about it, I admit that.

Would have been a bit like blowing my own trumpet.

You had plenty to blow your own trumpet about.

Yes.

I had the time, that's all.

I had the money then, as well.

What did Margaret say?

Not a great deal, but I knew she didn't really approve.

I have to say she wasn't the most understanding of women.

No. At the end of the day, I suppose she said, "Oh, just get on with it."

Oh. Look, Lionel...

Yes? Look, Patrick.

Yes? All these children.

When I answered the door, you said you'd found your father?

Oh. Yes, oh.

We all called Lionel "Father".

What did your mother say?

She called him Father as well.

Your mother called Lionel Father? Yes.

Her husband didn't call me Father. Well, thank goodness for that. He was a good man, Joseph.

He used to work on the coffee plantation, but when he died,

there was very little money and for my mother to raise us on her own, it would have been very hard.

So, Lionel helped us in so many ways.

We all got a good schooling, and he became like a father to the family.

That's why we all called him, our father.

I was very fond of Joseph.

I'm sure I've told you all this? Yes, yes, you did. I remember now.

It IS good to meet you, Patrick. And now Patrick's over here to start work in a teaching hospital.

One day I will be a surgeon. That is the dream.

Oh, it's wonderful.

I'm so pleased, oh, Patrick, I'm so pleased to meet you!

You're a fine boy. Thank you.

Just excuse me a tick.

Harry, Sandy, come and meet Patrick.

She's a very warm lady, your wife.

Yes, very.

You didn't ever tell me, you know.

I thought I did.

Does it really matter? No secrets, we said.

I don't remember us ever saying that.

That's something else you've forgotten.

Is there anything else you only think you've told me about?

I went skinny-dipping once.

Skinny-dipping? Yeah.

Somebody's birthday at somebody's farm.

Some of the wives got a bit frisky on the punch and decided to go skinny-dipping in the pool.

And you jumped in with them?

No, I fell in.

It amounts to the same thing.

No, it doesn't. I had all my clothes on.

What did Margaret say?

Not a lot, she passed out on the sun-lounger.

Why did you never tell me about these wild parties before?

Because there weren't any. Long distances in Kenya, you see.

We rarely got together and all we generally did was play cards.

Strip poker? Bridge.

I'm glad you asked Patrick to come for lunch.

He's a nice lad and you know what young doctors are like.

They never eat enough. No, I didn't know that about young doctors.

Having been a nurse, I suppose you'd know all sorts of things about young doctors.

All right, all right.

It was really kind, what you did for Patrick and his family.

I've got to have one good thing to take to the Pearly Gates with me.

Must have come as quite a shock when Patrick turned up and asked to see his father.

No, no, no, I knew he didn't mean it literally.

How did you know that?

Because I knew there would be an obvious explanation. I see.

I really did think I'd told you.

Well, in any case, it all came out quite naturally in the conversation, as I knew it would.

You looked very green about the gills until it did. I did not.

You didn't really think I was Patrick's father, did you?

Don't be ridiculous! I wonder if anyone fancies a drink.

Thanks for all the help, ladies.

Very instructive. Ciao.

Yes?

MOBILE RINGS

Alistair Deacon.

Who?

Stephen, hi.

LTNS.

Long time, no see.

Yeah, yeah.

What? Help.

But, of course, help is my middle name.

Perfect. No, really, really, Judy and I are popping round there later anyway.

Yeah, OK, catch you then, ciao.

Yes!

They keep turning up like bad pennies, those two.

They did phone.

A whole hour's warning, typical Penny and Stephen. What are you doing, anyway?

I'm looking for something.

That cupboard's going to burst open one day.

Perhaps you could help.

I don't even know what you're looking for.

I can't even get in because of this.

Would you mind moving that? Right.

Cor, what's in here? An anvil?

A coffee machine. Why isn't it in the kitchen?

I couldn't get on with it. It kept hissing and spitting steam everywhere. Couldn't get on with it.

I didn't realise you had to have a personal bond with a coffee machine. Please just move that box.

Certainly.

Don't you worry, you'll be back in your cupboard in a minute.

I thought you were helping! I still don't know what you're looking for.

A hamper. Isn't it a bit cold for picnics?

It's for Patrick. I want to pack it with food.

Why?

I've told you, young doctors don't eat enough.

Patrick?

Would you like a hamper of food?

No, thank you. I have just had a very good lunch.

What about your digs? Do you eat properly there?

I'm sure I will.

They're not squalid, are they, your digs?

No, no, they are very pleasant.

I have to put up with sharing with three girls, but I cope.

So, we put all this back now, I suppose.

It won't go back on its own. Let me help.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that.

Hello, Penny. Hello, Stephen.

Mention map-reading to me and I shall scream.

Hello, Sandy.

Jean told us about the baby.

My word, you look prettier than ever.

Doesn't she look prettier than ever, Pen?

You'll never get your figure back, you know that?

What are you doing?

Mining.

Who's this?

This is Patrick.

Lionel's son.

Why did Patrick have to go so early?

Five minutes with Penny is usually enough.

My God, that woman can talk.

Was she telling you you'll lose your figure now?

No, but she's still insisting that I'm a mountain.

Mum? We're in the kitchen.

Hello. Why's everyone in here?

Cos Penny's out there.

There's a lack of moral fibre in this house.

What are you doing here then?

Lack of moral fibre.

Hello, Judy, what are you doing here? Meeting Alistair.

This is the place for meetings.

I must go, anyway. Don't listen to grumpy.

I've got to start looking at estate agents. Why?

To find somewhere to live. You will look for somewhere close by?

I'll look, but Holland Park on a detective sergeant's salary?

I could come with you.

No, wait till we've got some places to look at. Anyway, you've got family to talk to.

They are not my family.

Be very grateful for that. Oh, I am.

Come on, I'll see you off.

Perhaps we should at somewhere like Balham? Balham?

It's not Siberia.

Why don't they just stay here with us?

Hey, hey, hello, young lovers.

Hello, Alistair.

See you later.

So long as we're in hugging mood.

My hugs are reserved these days, Alistair. No chance of making a reservation, then? No. Oh, well.

I don't know how that young man will survive over here.

I'm sure supermarkets don't sell cows' blood.

Cow's blood? Why would he want cow's blood?

That's why indigenous Kenyan people live on.

You're thinking of the Masai. Patrick's Kikuyu.

How can you possibly know that? He told me.

Hey, hey, Steve and Pen!

Hello, Alistair. Don't listen to anything he says.

He only said hello?

I was referring to his inane idea.

Stephen has an inane idea.

Really. How nice. Coffee? Thank you.

Come on, Stephen.

Don't listen. I'm not going to sit here with my hands over my ears.

Come on, Steve. Great ideas are like bats.

They deserve to see the light of day. I thought bats were nocturnal.

Come on,

Stephen, do.

Here it goes, then.

As you know, I've retired from dentistry.

Teeth lose their appeal after 30 years.

And I've been looking round for something else to do.

Something with a bigger profile, actually.

I like it. Anything in mind? Yes.

I've decided to try to become a celebrity.

What kind of celebrity?

A sort of general celebrity, I suppose.

I told you it was inane.

Stephen, I don't think you qualify.

There aren't any exams to pass or anything. You just become one.

Look at all those celebrities on television, they have a wonderful time,

but I don't know what half of them do.

What does that Tara Para Whatshername actually do?

I don't know.

Well, there you are then. And she is a big celeb. Exactly.

I'm beginning to think he's losing his reason.

So that's why I wanted to talk to you, Alistair. You know about these things. How does one go about it?

Yes, I'd like to know that. Well, it helps to be good at something.

Does dentistry count?

Perhaps you could be like a dentist to the stars?

I did a filling for someone who was in an ice show once. Big name?

Played a cat.

Doesn't quite cut it, I'm afraid, Stephen. Then there was Laurence Olivier.

You did Larry's teeth? No, he played a dentist in that film with that other chap.

You're losing the thread, Stephen.

That may be for the best.

I agree.

Do you think being a grandmother's going to age you terribly, Jean?

Anything else, Alistair? Well, yes, good PR.

Get into the red tops. Be seen in all the right kind of places with the right eye candy on your arm.

Eye candy? Girls. How do you know?

I read it in the Times.

Not just any old girls, like models. Don't suppose you know any models, do you, Steve?

Course he doesn't.

That's where you're wrong.

One of my ex-patients was a model.

Used to model woollens for Woman's World.

I don't think that's quite the model that Alistair had in mind.

Anyway, the bottom line is get yourself noticed. How?

How about streaking at the Trooping Of The Colour?

I wouldn't even consider that. Too disrespectful.

Or the Last Night Of The Proms?

No, no, no. Stop it, both of you. You're being as ridiculous as Stephen.

Sorry, Stephen. We shouldn't laugh.

To be honest, I thought you might.

You didn't laugh when Lionel became a celebrity, did you? When was that?

When he wrote the book? Stephen, I was a minor author.

I don't remember any photos in the press of me strolling into nightclubs with any arm candy.

We should have tried that, Li.

Oh, no, you shouldn't.

Here's another idea. Oh, God.

Chefs. They become celebrities, don't they?

Everybody knows who Gordon... Whatshisname is.

Stephen, you can't boil an egg.

It was just an idea. I'm floundering, aren't I?

I'm sorry, Steve, but I've got to lay it on the line.

You and celebrity aren't two words that exactly go together.

I see. I have to ask, what made you think of this in the first place?

Drugs. Drugs?

Yes, he had too much brandy last night and then took two aspirin.

I don't think that would produce hallucinations.

Of course not. I slept like a log.

Still, I suppose that's what it was at the end of the day.

Just a silly dream. Why have it?

I suppose I got to thinking it would be nice just for once in my life to be noticed.

I've never really been noticed, you see.

Do you know, I remember taking home a school photograph once and my parents couldn't even pick me out.

You were in it? Oh, yeah.

Funny thing was, I couldn't pick me out either.

You foolish man.

You're right. There are two bags.

I couldn't help noticing them when Alistair came in.

Look, Sandy, I can tell you.

No, no, it's none of my business. Tell me what?

You know Alistair and I want a baby.

And you will. There's no reason why you can't.

You know that. You must just be patient.

Patience isn't one of Alistair's strong points. Hence the dodgy shopping.

He's got it into his head that if...

Well, he really thinks that...

put it like this, the next thing he'll suggest is scenery and a full orchestra.

Personally, I'd be more relaxed driving in the Grand Prix.

Does Harry ever...?

It was the dance of the seven veils in Canada.

You did the dance of the seven veils?

No, Harry did. We did laugh.

And you fell into each other's arms and so on and so forth? Yeah.

Perhaps I should get a clown's outfit.

Come on, Judy. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

I'm not embarrassed. I just think Alistair's being a bit silly. So do I. Chuck it all away then.

No, I've got a better idea.

Uncle Stephen!

Just a minute.

These are a present for you and Aunt Penny from Alistair.

That's extraordinarily kind of him.

I must go in and thank him.

No, no, don't. No, you'd just embarrass Alistair.

He's really quite shy.

It just goes to show, doesn't it?

People are seldom quite what they seem, are they?

Don't just stand there chattering all day. Sorry. ..Must go. Old Pen's revving her engine.

Say thank you to Alistair for me.

Bye, Uncle Stephen. Safe journey.

At this rate, we won't be making a journey.

Take these.

A present to us. From Alistair.

That's very kind of him. That's what I thought. Bye.

Bye.

I feel awful now.

I don't.

No, nor do I.

Bit early, isn't it?

Not when those two have been.

No, you're right. Think I'll have one as well.

Alistair? No thanks.

Are you all right?

To be honest, I feel I've let myself down. I wasn't a great deal of help to poor old Stephen, was I?

There are times when nobody can be a help to Stephen. Quite a lot of the time.

Stephen a celebrity? He'll be wanting to be a pop star next.

Granted it was a bit left field, but I always think of left-field ideas as a challenge.

I should stop doing that if I were you. Maybe.

I must shoot. I've got a meeting with the tax inspector. You're not in trouble, are you?

No, he's written a book about insurance fraud and he's asked me to publish it. Now, that's a challenge.

See you later, people. Bye, Alistair. Bye, Alistair.

What shall we do?

Recover?

I'm sure I left two bags in the hall. What sort of bags?

Just bags, you know, bits and bobs.

Judy, you didn't see two bags in the hall, did you?

Me? No.

Argh!

Aren't you going to read?

Not without a book in my hands.

I meant later.

Not if you want to talk. No, no, no.

Not especially, no.

Poor Sandy.

Poor Harry.

Poor Harry and Sandy.

All right, why?

They can never afford to buy a house round here.

I don't think they could afford to buy a garden shed round here.

Not that they need to move anywhere.

I said not that they need to move anywhere. Yes, I heard.

Well? They do.

Do what? Need to move.

Perhaps we could convert Judy's old room into a sitting room for them.

Oh, dear. And a separate bathroom would be nice.

If we were to make Judy's room a bit smaller, we could just knock through.

Why not go the whole hog and just put another whole storey onto the house?

That's not very constructive. It wasn't intended to be.

They don't want to live with us. Who told you that?

They're a young couple starting out with a baby on the way.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

I know I'm right. Well, don't preen.

I'm going to sleep. It's impossible to preen in your sleep.

I don't know.

The first night we spent together, you had a very smug expression on your face the next morning.

That was altogether different.

I'd just climbed the mountain.

I'm not a mountain.

I didn't mean that. Be very careful.

I meant I'd just spent the night with a beautiful girl.

That's much better.

We will help them, won't we, financially, I mean?

Of course we will. It's certainly preferable to knocking down walls.

Sandy will come back to the agency now, that's a good salary and I'll bump it up.

Unless she takes the baby to work, the job won't last that long, will it? True.

I'll give her a big fat leaving bonus. And a baby bonus as well.

You can't give a bonus to a baby.

Not directly, no. The baby'll probably just eat the cheque.

All right, all right, you've made your point.

Either way, we'll help.

Assuming they don't see it as charity.

How can a gift be charity?

I'll just have to think about that one.

Aren't you reading?

Not now. I'm tired.

Yes, so am I.

I wasn't beautiful.

Yes, you were. No, I wasn't.

Stop fishing for compliments and go to sleep.

Swine.

Good night.

Good night.

How beautiful?

Good night.

Lionel said you wanted a word.

Yes.

I thought stacking the dishwasher was Lionel's field of expertise.

Yes, well, he claims it is.

Well, it is. I'll just leave it.

He'll love that. It's his own fault. Of course it is.

So, what did you want to talk to me about?

Going back to work at the agency.

Ah. I know Judy's been doing it while you've been away,

but quite honestly, her heart hasn't been in it.

Nor's mine any more.

What? Things change.

I've got Harry now and you know the odd hours he works.

I can't look after him and be a career woman.

That's very old-fashioned.

Maybe it is.

And then there's the baby. What happens then?

I was going to give you a baby bonus. There's no such thing.

Well, a bonus then. Oh, look...

I know you're trying to be kind but, it's a bit like charity, isn't it?

Oh God. That's what Lionel said.

Well, it is.

You have a stubborn streak in you.

Look who's talking.

Well, I suppose there's a first time for everything.

I couldn't get the door closed. No, not that.

I've just had an abusive phone call.

Oh, really! What is the world coming to? Anonymous, I suppose?

No, it was from Penny.

Penny?

Yeah, you tried to jam too much in there.

Never mind that. What has Penny got to abuse you about?

Perhaps abuse is too strong a word.

Rant would do better.

Never mind the semantics. What about? That's the puzzling bit.

Two shopping bags full of what she called sexual depravity.

And apparently Stephen claims they were a present from Alistair.

Oh, that's absurd. I thought that. As if Alistair would...

just a minute.

Didn't he say he'd left two bags in the hall?

Yes, he did. But how did they end up with Penny and Stephen? Where did Sandy go?

This is not at all funny.

It was a very, very silly thing to do. Yes, Mum.

Both of you.

Yes, boss. Giving stuff like that to Penny.

Can you imagine her face when she looked into those bags?

Sorry. I can.

You can what? Imagine Penny's face.

That's not funny. You're quite right.

I bet it was a picture.

What about Uncle Stephen?

Totally baffled, I should think.

I don't know. Aunt Pen might be dressed as a fantasy nurse by now.

I've squared it with Steve and Pen.

I told them it was all a big mistake. I second that.

Message received and understood.

Then I really papered over the cracks.

They're getting two of the hottest tickets in town for tonight's film premiere. Which you don't have.

Not until I make a phone call, no.

And we've seen the last of that stuff in the bags? They're not keeping them?

As far as I know, they're scattered all over the hedgerows and highways of Hampshire by now.

I wonder if it will be on the news.

Sadly, no. But Stephen could find himself swanning up the red carpet tonight, mingling with the stars.

At least he'll be a celebrity for one night. Yes.

Wasn't it Bertrand Russell who said everyone would be world famous for 15 minutes?

No.

Andy Warhol.

Close.

What did Bertie Russell say then?

Quite a lot.

What about a quiet drink over the road? Sounds like a good idea.

Oh, you're all going? Fine.

What do you know about fantasy nurses?

Quite a lot. My mother was one.

And an orange juice for the little mother.

What about a game of darts, Li?

It's like being out with a hyperactive child.

Oh, go on, don't be a spoilsport.

I just fancied a quiet drink, that's all.

What shall we play? You said darts.

No, no. I meant format.

What about ten thousand and one?

I think that might take several days.

Here's to Judy.

To Judy.

Why?

Cos Sandy and I had a little chat this morning and she's decided not to come back to the agency. Oh?

For very good reasons, which I accept, however stubborn they may be.

So I'm asking you to come back permanently, Judy.

Now what do you say? I'm leaving.

Where are you going?

No, not here. The agency.

Oh, look. Just cos Sandy said no, doesn't mean you're second choice.

It does, actually.

But that's not the point, honestly.

Mum, I'm not up for it.

I just don't fancy it.

The truth is, I don't fancy working any more. It's not as if I have to.

I didn't have to. I just stuck at it. Yes. And look at what it was doing to you.

Before Lionel came on the scene, you were turning into a real ratbag. I was not.

Old Iron Drawers, the girls used to call you.

That was office banter. Call it what you like, but there was a point when work was becoming your life.

PING!

What was that?

Alistair just hit the lampshade.

Desperation, Li, you were winning anyway.

Only because I hit the dartboard occasionally.

Let's shoot some pool, eh?

Let's not. Judy isn't coming back to the agency.

Is that all you have to say? I didn't say anything.

Well, I say, "Hey hey!"

That means more of you to myself.

More time to work on little Alistair.

I do wish you wouldn't use expressions like "work on".

All right, what about "Apply ourselves to"?

Hello, Harry.

Oh, Harry, you found us.

Down to detective work.

I read the note on the door which said, "We've all gone for a drink."

The kind of note which, professionally speaking, I would advise against. Yes.

You did take the note off the door?

Oh.

Harry!

Well, shouldn't someone...? I'll go.

Shouldn't we be mob handed, Li?

Not unless there's a queue of burglars at the front door.

DOORBELL RINGS

For goodness sake.

Mrs Bale?

I've brought you some eggs.

Really.

Come in.

There are light snow showers in the English Channel, by the way. Oh.

Well, do go through.

Is everybody well?

Yes, thank you.

Do sit down.

Can I get you some tea?

No, thank you. I shared a Thermos in a lay-by with some very charming Hells Angels on the way up.

Charming? Yes.

I shall never understand why we bikers get such a bad name.

I blame Marlon Brando, myself.

Do you?

Well, it's very nice to see you, Mrs Bale,

but surely you didn't come all this way just to bring us some eggs?

Of course not. The eggs were an afterthought.

I came to London to drop Mr Hardcastle Senior off.

Drop him off where? His line-dancing class.

Did you say line-dancing?

Apparently, his teacher says he's a natural.

You don't approve, do you?

It's not for me to approve or disapprove.

No, I don't approve. He said you wouldn't.

A man of his age line-dancing!

What should a man of his age be doing?

Acting it.

He said you'd say that too.

Predictable, aren't I? Oh, very.

You might have told us you weren't coming back.

Got a surprise for you.

Hello, Mrs Bale. How nice to see you.

You too, Mrs Hardcastle.

You look very well. I like the leathers.

Thank you. The chapter in the lay-by said I looked foxy.

Chapter?

Hells Angels.

Mrs Bale had tea with them.

Oh, I see.

Where's Rocky?

Line-dancing.

Really? I'm picking him up later.

Line-dancing! You already said that.

Mr Hardcastle Junior does not approve.

Mr Hardcastle Junior wouldn't approve.

The old fool could kill himself. Has Lionel offered you anything to drink?

Yes, he did, thank you. What about something to eat?

Is nobody listening to what I'm saying? Certainly. What would you like me to get you?

No, no. I mean can we get you something to eat? Thank you, no.

I would like to change into something less squeaky before I go.

Oh yes, of course. Please, use our bedroom.

I'll be two shakes of a lamb's tail.

She's a treasure, isn't she?

She's as mad as my father. I heard that.

Well, she is.

What is the matter with you?

Peace and quiet. A little bit of peace and quiet.

That's all I ask for.

Just you and your custard tarts?

But no, in they come, one after the other, bringing their lunacy in with them.

Wouldn't it be nice if just once, someone came in, had a normal conversation, then went home again?

DOORBELL RINGS

See?

You don't even know who it is.

Perhaps you'd like to hide in the cupboard under the stairs. If I could get in there, I would.

Penny, Stephen.

We were in London two hours early for the premiere, thanks to Stephen.

Just wanted to be on the safe side, so I thought I'd wait here.

I knew you wouldn't mind. Mind?

No, we're delighted, aren't we Lionel?

Lionel's cooking one of his screaming hot chillies.

Ah, I like chilli.

Well, I am chilly. Give us a cuddle.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh...

beautiful.

You're watching the rugby, aren't you? No.

Yes.

There.

Oh, Harry.

It was only a replay, anyway.

I'll never take precedence over a live international. Course you will.

Provided it's not England playing.

You know Jean doesn't want us to move, don't you?

I'd never have guessed.

It will seem funny.

That's not a "but", is it? No.

No, I don't have any buts.

I just want you and me, plus little Harry, as Alistair would call it.

Yeah.

I've just been sacked as sous chef.

Why does Lionel get so temperamental when he's cooking chilli?

Perhaps he's got Mexican blood in him.

SPANISH PRONUNCIATION:

Yeah. Lionel Jose Jardcastle!

Drink?

No, thanks. Sandy?

If I have another orange juice, I think I'll explode.

Well, I deserve one. I deserve a drink. Tequila?

Why tequila? It's just a little joke.

How's the chilli?

Nearing perfection, if I do say so myself.

It is just the four of us for dinner, isn't it? Yes. Good.

Just wanted reassuring that we're not going to get invaded again.

No. Rocky's line-dancing. Penny and Stephen have gone to the premiere. Judy and Alistair have gone home.

So unless the Vikings invade us again, you're safe.

We went back with Judy and Alistair this afternoon to look at their flat. Flat? Apartment.

We had a flat in Canada. The whole place would fit in their bathroom.

Lionel was talking about turning Judy's room into a sitting room for you.

It would only need knocking through.

Actually, you don't need to knock anything through because we're moving.

I know you will eventually. No, not eventually.

It looks as though I'm going to WA division and they help with police housing.

Oh. Nothing very grand, but it's a start.

And that's all we need.

Oh.

That is good news. Where?

Here?

No. ..Where will you be living?

Battersea.

Battersea?!

You're doing it again. You make everywhere beyond Holland Park sound like Siberia.

Battersea. There are worse places than Battersea. Far worse.

Didn't that murderer come from Battersea? What murderer?

I can't remember his name.

Some murderer.

I'm being silly, aren't I? We shan't be far away.

Just a short sledge-ride really.

Dinner, as Mrs Bale would say, will be served in nine and three-quarter minutes.

PHONE RINGS

Don't panic. Don't panic.

If it's someone wanting to pop in, I'll say we've emigrated.

Hello.

Oh, Patrick.

Hello.

What?

Where?

Yes, of course. We'll be over immediately.

Yes, goodbye.

That was Patrick, calling from the hospital he's working in.

I'm afraid Rocky's been admitted to A&E.

I've got you a blanket.

I don't want a blanket.

It's like a greenhouse in here.

I'll just put it across your knees.

My knees are no colder then the rest of me. Now just stop fussing.

There must be something I can do?

I wouldn't say no to a stiff gin and tonic.

They said nil by mouth.

They could just pour it in my ear then.

Alistair called on his mobile.

They're almost here. Thank you, Patrick. ..Remind me to get a mobile.

In case you'd forgotten, you had one.

So I did. Whatever happened to it?

You lost your temper and threw it into the rainwater butt.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Nasty cough you've got there, nurse.

That means I should be somewhere else. Ignore the woman.

The last student doctor who did that is still in traction.

You go along, my boy. You cut along to wherever you are supposed to be.

The mortuary, I'm afraid.

Well, let's hope we don't meet up there later.

I do wish you wouldn't say things like that.

Well, Patrick laughed.

To think that young Lionel looked after that whole family and he never said anything.

If you ask me, he's a closet philanthropist.

I do hope there wasn't any confusion about him calling Mr Hardcastle Junior "Father".

I'm sure there wasn't. A very level-headed girl, Jean Pargetter.

There you are. What have you been up to now?

There's a very warm greeting, I must say. Hello, Jean Pargetter.

Hello, Rocky, what have you been up to now?

You see, it sounds so much nicer coming from you.

Will you just answer the question! There is no need to shout.

Sssh!

See.

What have you been up to now?

Well, here is a sight to gladden the old eyes.

You remember Harry, don't you?

Of course. You were off to be a Mountie the last time we met.

Only a temporary one. Look, I'm sorry, I couldn't park.

Hello, Rocky. My word.

Things are glamming up here by the minute.

What have you been up to? I've been trying to find that out for 10 minutes.

He was knocked over. By a car?

Line-dancing. Would you please all move over, you are blocking access.

And would you please keep the noise down!

Thank you.

Tell us what happened, Rocky. Well, the whole class was going swimmingly at first

and then we got into the step, step, touch the heel bit.

Or was it touch the heel, step, step?

Does it matter? A great deal.

You've got to get it right.

And?

I somehow cannoned into this rather large lady wearing cowboy boots.

I shot across the floor like a curling stone. What's the verdict?

I think it was my fault.

No, I meant here.

I don't know but ligaments were mentioned.

I'm waiting to go to X-ray.

But nothing's happening.

Alistair?

What?

Oh, right.

Excuse me.

I need a word and don't say "I'm busy."

- You've got to hand it to Alistair. - Not all the time.

I think he's talking to a porter.

Here we are, information.

Information isn't giving any.

He was only a porter. Harry, tell someone you're a policeman. Who?

Not information!

Mr...Newcastle.

ALL: Hardcastle.

That girl's writing!

Come along then, dear.

We are taking you off to radiology.

Jolly good.

Yes, I think we can manage, thank you.

And would you please all sit down!

"Ring", it says.

Not bang on the glass. Now who wants me?

Stop playing games.

Don't worry Mrs Bale, he's a tough old bird.

Yes, I know.

Could somebody get Mrs Bale a cup of tea? Yes, I will.

Thank you, Sandra.

SHE KICKS MACHINE

Oh! Why was that inevitable?

There's a sign up there that says "cafeteria". I bet that's closed.

Would you all go and have a look?

Lionel and I will stay here.

Come along, Mrs Bale. Thank you, Alistair.

Can I bring you two anything back?

Not unless they've got any chilli con carne. You'll be lucky, hot's off.

Thank you so much.

It was nice that everybody came.

Yes, it was.

Hello, you two! Stephen, what are you doing here?

What on earth has happened?

Ribs, the ambulance people think. No, what happened in the first place?

Oh, at the film premiere, we never did get on the red carpet.

So I decided to vault the barrier to talk to Renee Zellweger.

Stephen, why would you do that?

The celebrity thing, I still haven't quite got it out of my mind and I thought if I can be photographed

talking to Renee Zellweger, well, that would be a start.

What did she say? I never actually reached her.

My vaulting is not what it was, you see.

I don't suppose there's any chance of her popping round?

I wouldn't hold your breath. Penny, where's Penny?

She's all right, she just fainted for some reason.

Fool of a man!

She hurt her neck when she fell.

Yes, it was nice that everyone came, wasn't it.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2005

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk