Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
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No one will biopsy my mole,
2
00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:11,400
so I need to upload myself so I don't die,
3
00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:13,400
but even they require Proof of Existence,
4
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,080
which I don't want to get,
5
00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,640
so instead, I have to become
an exception by being famous.
6
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- Hello?
- Hi.
7
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Hey, how are you?
8
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Ok, so I have an idea that I'm sure
9
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will make me an exception.
Do you wanna hear it?
10
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- I'm in a meeting.
- Ok.
11
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:29,520
A couple of years ago,
during a really harsh winter,
12
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a dolphin got stuck in a canal
in South Brooklyn.
13
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Uh-huh.
14
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It got trapped and everyone could see it.
15
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But the environmental laws
meant to protect it
16
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stated that no one could
help it without the proper permit.
17
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Long story short, it ended up dying.
18
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And, well, I guess that's where this fun
19
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family movie would end.
20
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What do you think?
21
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,200
Hello? Hello?
22
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:51,640
Hello, are you there? Do you like it?
23
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What do you think?
24
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:56,600
What about something about your story?
25
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That's my story through metaphor.
26
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No, babe, no metaphors.
27
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Just big, sad speeches.
28
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Call it... Gaytino.
29
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Vanesja, Gaytinx.
30
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Listen, do the credit card commercial,
31
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get what you need out of it, and move on.
32
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Ok.
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Ok, yeah. Ok.
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Roll playback on beach...
35
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And action.
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Julio. Hi.
37
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So imagine you're on the
beach and you're happy.
38
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On the beach and you're happy.
39
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Jesus.
40
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His mouth is so tense.
41
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And it's like, you know, I don't get it.
42
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Does he not love credit cards?
43
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It's a safe and convenient
way to earn miles.
44
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I mean, that's the brief. It's not... Ok.
45
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,560
Julio, can we get a smile?
46
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:57,720
Uh, yeah.
47
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Ok.
48
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,480
Less teeth. Like, uh...
49
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:08,840
Ok, can you bring in the green tape?
50
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Amazing. Thank you.
51
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Hi again.
Um, do you... Perfect.
52
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Yes. That. No, it's like, joy.
53
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Julio, your eyes are so, so fantastic
54
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and energized and expressive.
55
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You know,
we just wanna green screen something
56
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that'll match that energy.
57
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From the top.
58
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You are on the beach
and you are very happy.
59
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Hold it a little higher.
60
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Yes, great.
61
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Like you're almost surprised.
62
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Like money.
63
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Stunning. Great.
64
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Incredible.
65
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Many kind regards for this check in.
66
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:01,480
Yeah, hi, Pirulinpinpina.
67
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,400
I...
ooh, wasn't expecting you to be slimy.
68
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,800
As manager of your socials,
it is very important
69
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,240
communications goes
backwards and forwards.
70
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,720
Ok,
I wanted to talk to you about this post
71
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,560
- that you made on my behalf.
- To grow followers and increase wealth!
72
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,040
Sure.
73
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,800
It's a picture of me sleeping and it says,
74
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:20,200
"Let's get this mondais right."
75
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,040
It was posted Wednesday at 3:00 a.m.
76
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:25,680
OK! Apologies for incident!
Can-do quick fix!
77
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,200
Ok, I guess I just don't understand
78
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,760
what the point of that picture is.
79
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,000
Did you just post this?
80
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,080
Yes, all correct this time.
Pirulinpinpina!
81
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,360
"Many apologies for earlier mispost.
82
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,320
"A grave error on my part,
as eyes were closed.
83
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"Please forgive.
84
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:41,760
"Let's get this Monday right.
85
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It's Friday, eight twenty too pm."
86
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Pirulinpinpina,
this doesn't sound like me at all.
87
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Pirulinpinpina?
88
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:54,800
Kindly do not use TONE at me.
89
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,640
- I'm not using tone with you.
- Don't use tone with her.
90
00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:59,880
I wasn't. I wasn't using tone.
91
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,480
- Jesus.
- Is Lord.
92
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:02,640
Amen!
93
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,280
Vanesja,
are you sure this is gonna make me
94
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:06,760
an exception to Proof?
95
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,320
I'm not sure about this,
96
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:12,600
but I have high hopes for the commercial.
97
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:13,640
Hold on.
98
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:14,840
Another client needs me.
99
00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:19,400
Hello, my dark star.
100
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:23,120
I have some big, bad news.
101
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,960
The poster for "Cunty
Little Rich Kids" came out.
102
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,080
They went with the picture you don't like,
103
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:31,080
and the airline mishandled your luggage,
104
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:35,120
so you'll have to wear something of mine.
105
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,360
Oh.
106
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:40,200
Wow.
107
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,600
Red suits you.
108
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,360
Yeah, everything suits me.
109
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,720
Dustin, what's going on
in that little head of yours?
110
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I don't know.
111
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,280
Share.
112
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,120
I just feel like the
world is so fucked up.
113
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,960
I've been on this show for,
like, 15 fucking seasons
114
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,920
and, yeah,
I make a shit-ton of money, right?
115
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:13,840
And I've got a house in Bali, PlayStation.
116
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,840
It all kicks ass.
117
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,800
But like, for what?
118
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:22,320
You want another PlayStation?
119
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,960
Yeah, if we could get that going,
that'd be... no, no, no.
120
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Damn it.
121
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I took the subway yesterday.
122
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Dustin, why?
123
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'Cause I don't wanna be in a car.
124
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I wanna be out in the world.
125
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I wanna be living and experiencing.
126
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,680
Anyway, the train was,
like, super delayed,
127
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,760
and I started talking
to this homeless man.
128
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I said, hey, what's your name?
129
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I'm Dustin.
130
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,320
And he said he had to take a shit,
131
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and he said he couldn't,
and I asked him why.
132
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And he told me that he'd
have to exit the station
133
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in order to do that.
134
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,960
And re-entering,
he'd have to pay money, and he can't.
135
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,560
And, like, in that moment, I like,
136
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:05,120
went into my, like, empathic trance.
137
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,440
And so I was just in his shoes...
138
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,080
Seeing his perspective.
139
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,800
It was like...
140
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,880
You know. And, like, I saw it.
141
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,320
I saw it from his point of view.
142
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,720
The world's not fucking fair.
143
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,480
And that's just one dude.
144
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There's so many like him.
145
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And what am I doing?
146
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I should help.
147
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:36,360
'Cause why else... why else am I an artist
148
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if not to make the world a better place?
149
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,920
We can use this.
150
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:46,680
We can do an interview
with "Teen Vogue."
151
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,760
"Teen Vogue." I'm fucking 39 years old!
152
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The fuck.
153
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,480
Don't share that.
154
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,120
You don't even get it.
155
00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,120
You're just a suit.
156
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,320
Big, corporate, powerful suit lady.
157
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:08,440
You don't care about
the problems of people.
158
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:16,320
The next I train will
arrive in 178 minutes.
159
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:18,440
Fuck my life.
160
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,720
I hate New York.
161
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,000
- Oh, my God.
- What?
162
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,640
It's my roommate. Don't look.
163
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,640
Oh, like, one of the little ones?
164
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,040
Yeah.
165
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,120
Vibes bad?
166
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,680
Oh, my God.
167
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,000
I didn't tell you what happened.
168
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,600
Mm-mm.
169
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:37,400
Ok, so at first,
things were pretty chill, right?
170
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:38,560
Yeah.
171
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,120
Hello! Can I take something off?
172
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:43,800
When she moved in, she said she had
some cousins that were gonna come.
173
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,440
Not cousins. Nothing's ever good
when they bring cousins.
174
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- And could they stay with us?
- Ew.
175
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,560
They're really nice! You'll love them!
176
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,840
And I was like, yeah, Ok, whatever.
177
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I mean, you're so tiny. Who cares, right?
178
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:55,480
Right.
179
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,640
So they come,
and there's like nine of them.
180
00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,040
- Again, no big deal.
- Right,
181
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,320
- 'cause they're so small.
- Right.
182
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,200
And, I don't know,
I figured they're gonna go see...
183
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,360
the Statue of Liberty,
184
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,160
- be out and about, whatever.
- Sure.
185
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,560
But then one night they're like, hey,
186
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:08,920
what should we do tomorrow?
187
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,960
And I'm like,
have you ever been to the Met?
188
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,920
- And they're like...
- Kindly suggest something else.
189
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,960
- That is against religion.
- Wait, what?
190
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,320
I don't know, they're like,
191
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,480
strangely Christian, like, evangelist.
I don't know, whatever.
192
00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,040
It's annoying,
but I figure they'll go soon.
193
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,240
Oh, also, they're obsessed with pizza?
194
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,640
What, do they, like, eat your pizza?
195
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:25,920
Not like that, no.
196
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,320
It's like I bring pizza home,
197
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,720
and they run out with little cameras
198
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,200
- and take pictures of the pizza.
- Pizza! Pizza!
199
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:32,920
- Oh my god, pizza!!
- Pizza!
200
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,200
- Yay pizza!! Take a picture!
- Pizza!
201
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:35,720
That's horrifying.
202
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:37,120
Anyway, later,
203
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:40,200
Pirulinpinpina's like,
hey, can they move in?
204
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:41,560
- No.
- Yeah.
205
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:42,920
She's so freaking tacky.
206
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,960
And I'm like, what? Right?
207
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,360
And she's like...
But your rent will go down!
208
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:48,920
We take up no space!
209
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,760
So I'm kind of like, yeah, Ok, whatever.
210
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:56,480
But what I didn't know is that they,
uh, multiply.
211
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:57,960
Do they, like, reproduce?
212
00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,520
It's not a sex thing.
213
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,640
It's just like, more of them arrive.
214
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,200
So anyway, now there's, like, 50 of them.
215
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,600
- 50?
- Yeah.
216
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:06,720
There's 50?
217
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,240
- Faster! Faster!
- Hooray! Weeeeeee!
218
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,960
Take us into the living room!!
219
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:13,720
And some of them are gay.
220
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,240
Living for that.
221
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:16,960
Yeah, it's, like,
impossible to get on Grindr
222
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,600
because the whole grid is little ones.
223
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,000
Anyway, one night I'm
doing my go-go shift at Metro.
224
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,160
And I see the cutie from the gym.
225
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,440
Ooh, the one with the big lips?
226
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:31,920
- Mm-hmm.
- He's cute.
227
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,120
Mm-hmm. And I'm making eyes at him.
228
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,120
He's making eyes at me.
We're, like, vibing, right?
229
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,240
Mm-hmm.
230
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:37,920
So I invite him home.
231
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:49,880
Can I get you anything?
232
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,160
I'm starving.
233
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,440
We should have grabbed some pizza.
234
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:53,520
Pizza?
235
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:54,920
Pizza! Pizza!
236
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,080
Who are these?
237
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,720
These are the little ones.
They're my roommates.
238
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,520
Uh, they're from Wisconsin.
239
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:01,600
They love pizza.
240
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,360
Pizza?
241
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,760
Guys, come on. I got company.
242
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,520
- TV!
- Oh, shit.
243
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,520
You guys watch
"True Women of New York"?
244
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:11,880
Guys, come on.
245
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,320
So, at this point we're having,
like, a little party,
246
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:15,880
like drinks, whatever.
247
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,960
So I decided to take this time
to go and douche.
248
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,160
- Douche for that guy?
- Yeah.
249
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,040
Ok, not the vibes I was getting, but work.
250
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,560
So anyway,
I'm in the bathroom for a while,
251
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,200
and the party's still going on outside,
so it's no big deal.
252
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:32,600
But then I hear the party stop,
so I go outside.
253
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:33,760
Diego?
254
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,720
Diego?
255
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:44,880
Diego?
256
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:48,880
Oh, I see.
257
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:50,440
Mm. Pizza.
258
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,840
I walk into the master bedroom.
259
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,600
Diego?
260
00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,240
Were they, like...
Hey.
261
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,200
I don't even wanna tell you,
but he's like, come here.
262
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,280
What did you say?
263
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,160
I'm good.
264
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,760
I'm gonna be in the living room.
265
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,320
Call them out on their bullshit.
266
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:14,520
Yeah, Ok. You're right.
267
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,160
Did you say, hey,
don't fuck the guys I bring home?
268
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,320
Yeah.
269
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,600
So what did you say?
270
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:21,720
Pizza, pizza.
271
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,080
Pizza! Pizza!
272
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,280
No. No.
273
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,200
But we haven't seen pizza in weeks!
Please???
274
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,920
Look, I feel like some of you think
275
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,120
that because we share a space
276
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:35,800
that maybe I'm down to share everything.
277
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,240
And I guess normally that's true.
278
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,400
It's just that I... I don't know.
279
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:46,000
It hurts my feelings to feel so
invisible among you sometimes.
280
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,000
And I don't want the vibe to be toxic.
281
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:51,080
And, you know,
I don't want you guys to feel like
282
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:52,360
it isn't your safe space,
283
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:53,800
because it's also my safe space,
284
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:58,680
and I wanna be able to share,
but I can't share everything.
285
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,040
I don't know. I hope that makes sense.
286
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,920
Are we good?
287
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,400
Babe.
288
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:10,040
Wait, did you guys get tickets?
289
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,320
Can I still get some?
290
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,760
I'll ask them to list you.
291
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,360
Oh, Jesus.
292
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,080
Hey.
293
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,640
Hey, man.
294
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:20,120
Hey.
295
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,520
Yeah, I know. Let's take a cab.
296
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,600
- Come on.
- Bye, Diego.
297
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,800
Next up, Gina and Bibo.
298
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,080
And you'll do a scene
from "Marriage Story."
299
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:33,800
"Marriage Story," yes.
300
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,640
- Could I get a minute?
- Yeah, take your time.
301
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:41,680
Ok.
302
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,920
Your hair is fine, Gina.
303
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,480
You always hated me.
304
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,400
That's not true, dot, dot, dot.
305
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:58,880
That was never true, dot.
306
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:01,240
What are you talking about, question
mark.
307
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,520
You are my wife, dot.
308
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:04,840
Ok, let's stop.
309
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,560
I'm sorry, did you have a note?
310
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:08,720
Um.
311
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,480
What's the feedback?
312
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,000
I just see robot.
313
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:18,760
I see a robot pretending
to love this woman.
314
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:22,000
And because you are
giving nothing but robot,
315
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,720
you are forcing her to overact.
316
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,800
Is everything Ok?
317
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,960
- See you later, Bibo.
- Bibo.
318
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,040
Bibo.
319
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,080
Do you know about the dress?
320
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,880
The 2017 viral image featuring a dress
321
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:40,200
that was blue and black to some,
322
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,240
- white and gold to others.
- Yes.
323
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,920
The dress isn't one thing
and then another thing.
324
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,600
The dress can be more
than one thing at once.
325
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:53,520
You can be a robot and an actor.
326
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:57,520
Maybe just use your robotness to be...
327
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:00,760
...an actor.
328
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,200
It's grown. It's definitely grown.
329
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,400
I bet WebMD is gonna be
really comforting.
330
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,720
Oh, what is this?
331
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,640
Oh, good, good, good, good, good.
332
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,560
I bet I'm gonna have this online doctor's
333
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:22,880
undivided attention.
334
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,280
What is it?
335
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,320
Fuck.
336
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:53,880
Um, it looks fine.
337
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,720
Hey, lady, you can't be doing that here.
338
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,040
Get up. Come on.
339
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,680
- Gotta get up.
- No.
340
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,840
Fuck.
341
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,800
I pressed the wrong thing.
342
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,840
Whatever. It's just a biopsy.
343
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,040
Oh, Jesus, a scalpel. Ok, it's gonna hurt.
344
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,880
Please, I'm working on
getting an exception for Proof,
345
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,240
but I don't know that
I have a lot of time.
346
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,160
My doctor's actually worried,
and he ordered a biopsy.
347
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,200
Well, not the doctor,
but the person on the app
348
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,960
who I think are technically doctors,
and I, um...
349
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,360
What's that sound?
350
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,480
What's this?
351
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,400
This shipwreck on a reef
encrusted with little oysters?
352
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,280
It's missing an oyster.
353
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,640
Yeah, it's an old family heirloom.
354
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,040
Priceless,
but worthless without that missing piece.
355
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,240
I think I know where it is.
356
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:14,600
If I bring it to you,
do you think you could upload me?
357
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:20,520
We could pay off Dad's
bills with that money.
358
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,800
- All of them?
- Yeah.
359
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,280
Fine.
360
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,720
You bring the oyster,
you don't need the Proof.
361
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,440
Great. How hard can it be?
362
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:43,360
To find a tiny mini...
363
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:57,280
Tabitha, those books are forbidden.
364
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,480
- Hey, slut.
- Not this green wig.
365
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:00,880
It's not a wig. It's natural.
366
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,360
I'm dead. You're an icon and I love you.
367
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,520
Mwah, Mwah.
368
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:05,800
Meet my friends. Meet my friends.
369
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,920
It's Tyler, Ryan, Ryan, and Jason.
370
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:08,960
Do you want a drink, babe?
371
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,960
Yeah. You know what I like.
372
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,680
Okey do key.
373
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,080
Unlock the power of natural...
374
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,360
Ugh,
someone made a fake profile of me again.
375
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,280
Well,
that's how you know that you've made it.
376
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:23,760
That happens to me all the time.
377
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,680
Oh, are you, like, an actor or something?
378
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,720
I'm like an actor, yeah.
379
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,440
Yeah, Trish is a whole thing.
380
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,560
What have you been in?
381
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,600
"That Time We Were There" on Amazon,
382
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,160
"Summer's Only Once a Year" on Netflix,
383
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,080
"The Tooth Fairy" remake on Zappos.
384
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,600
- Lots of stuff.
- I'll have to check it out.
385
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:42,960
Hi, Emily. Luis here.
386
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,360
Here's the fan art you commissioned.
387
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,720
Always available if you want more.
388
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,000
Thanks, Luis.
389
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:52,440
Kindly, Emily,
manager and publicist for Trish.
390
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,360
Trish's number one fan here.
391
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,560
Check out this piece I
made in honor of my muse.
392
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:05,240
And I admire that
because it's a lifestyle.
393
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,120
Wow.
394
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:10,960
Always so surprised
and honored by my fans.
395
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,400
My life is so crazy.
396
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:14,880
I can't believe I inspire
real fans unprompted
397
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,440
to make fan art of me.
398
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:20,320
Oh, my God, Trish,
the thing you just reposted.
399
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,680
Let me see.
400
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:24,560
"The Glenda we all deserve."
401
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,680
Shots fired.
402
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,880
- Who made that?
- @TrishFanboy.
403
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,160
Trish is so famous, she has fan accounts.
404
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,920
Well, diamonds are a girl's best friend.
405
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,760
Yeah, if they're real.
406
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,800
She's so stupid.
407
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,480
Yeah, she's stupid.
408
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:44,760
Ugh, I wanna go there.
409
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,360
That's my dream place.
410
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,920
I've been there.
411
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,240
- Gay icon.
- Gagging for my queen.
412
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:52,520
Slay.
413
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,000
Oh, my God, Trish is so iconic.
414
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,800
Honey, the queen has arrived.
415
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:57,640
Hey, @TrishFanboy, this is Luis.
416
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,040
I was commissioned by Trish's team
417
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:00,600
to make this art for a charity.
418
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,720
Please tag me whenever you repost.
419
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:03,960
Thanks.
420
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:13,440
Hi, Luis, Emily again.
421
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,200
You are not allowed to
promote your services
422
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,600
using the work we commissioned from
you.
423
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,040
Those were for charity.
424
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,720
Unfortunately, we will not be able
425
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,400
to compensate you for this piece.
426
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,040
I can't think about this right now.
427
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,200
I've got a lunch tomorrow
with some of the city's
428
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,000
biggest movers and shakers.
429
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,720
Last night I was thinking...
What charity?
430
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,240
They're only posted by
some random fan account.
431
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:37,680
Wait, is she the fan account?
432
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,640
To eavesdrop on personal,
private conversation
433
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,920
between friends.
434
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,480
Wait, so she paid for her own fan art?
435
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,920
Yeah, and I have receipts.
436
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,080
Bitch.
437
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,560
Oh, my God.
438
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,840
OMG, Trish, you missed it.
439
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,120
Rewind for Trish.
440
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,360
Hey, rewind it.
441
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,960
Derrick, it's live.
442
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,800
You can keep blocking me,
443
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,600
but I'll just keep making new accounts.
444
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,440
Have you guys ever had an online stalker?
445
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,120
Is someone stalking you?
446
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,200
Oh, no, not me. I'm helping a friend out.
447
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:31,600
He has this, like, crazy guy that
448
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:32,680
keeps making fake accounts.
449
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,400
Some homophobic psycho.
450
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,240
That's so nice of you to help him out.
451
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,400
I mean,
he could just make his account private.
452
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,080
No, he wants to be seen.
453
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:42,560
How do you get them to
stop making new accounts?
454
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,400
I don't think you can.
455
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,040
It's so toxic.
456
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,000
Wait, is she blocking people now?
457
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,840
Hey, Luis, DM me.
458
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,360
I knew it. This girl isn't even famous.
459
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:55,640
Is she serious?
460
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:56,800
This is actually...
461
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,360
Hey, Derrick,
can I talk to you for a second?
462
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,040
Sure.
463
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:05,280
BRB.
464
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,080
Let me know what happens.
465
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,480
You Ok? What's up?
466
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,440
I need you to help me block someone,
like, permanently.
467
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:11,720
This is for your friend?
468
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:12,880
Yeah, I need you to ask Jeremy.
469
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,720
- Jeremy?
- Your fucking boyfriend?
470
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,400
- He works at Facebook now.
- Uh-huh.
471
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:18,400
I need him to block them.
They keep making accounts.
472
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,600
I need to block their IP address
or something. I don't fucking know.
473
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,480
What is this about?
474
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,560
- I'm this.
- Uh-huh.
475
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,400
No, listen, I'm the fan account.
476
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:27,920
- You drew this?
- No.
477
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,320
- My manager commissioned it.
- Why?
478
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:30,560
She fucked up.
479
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:31,880
She found this guy on I don't know where
480
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:33,440
to make a fan art of
me for the fan account.
481
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,240
So this fan account is run by you?
482
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,160
Everyone does it. Everyone does.
483
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,600
I'm iconic. Look at me. I'm a whole thing.
484
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:41,880
But this is not a real fan.
485
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,120
But the art inspires a lot of people.
486
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,480
To make art of you?
487
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,040
Yes, but now the artist is telling people.
488
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,600
Now people know.
But not if we permanently block him.
489
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:49,840
- Who made this?
- Some kid.
490
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:50,880
I don't know. Emily found him.
491
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,040
- Emily?
- My fucking manager.
492
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,760
She keeps doing this. She's obsessed.
493
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,080
She wants to "Single White Female" me.
494
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:58,200
Emily what?
495
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,080
What if all the gays turn on me?
496
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:01,560
- Emily what?
- What?
497
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,480
What is your manager's last name?
498
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,400
Oh. Trish.
499
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,960
And the Red Nose Day issue?
500
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,880
The GoFundMe for that kid?
501
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,040
I knew it. I fucking knew it.
502
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,320
No one is posting fake photos of you.
503
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:20,000
No one's cat fishing as you.
504
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,960
Baby, are you on crack?
505
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,920
What is wrong with you? You're not
famous.
506
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,720
You're paying people
to make fan art of you.
507
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,320
I'm dead. I'm literally freaking dead.
508
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:45,560
I'm iconic.
509
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,160
I'm... I'm iconic.
510
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,320
Iconic.
511
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,240
Everyone's obsessed with me.
512
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,280
Everyone's obsessed because I'm iconic.
513
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:00,240
Thanks.
514
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:08,520
The next I train will
arrive in 248 minutes.
515
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,000
Hey, I'm worried about Derrick's drinking.
516
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,040
He was really sloppy when I left.
517
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:14,360
He could have really hurt himself.
518
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,920
Martine.
519
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,800
Martine.
520
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,200
Martine!
521
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:37,880
Oh, my God.
522
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,520
God, you didn't hear me?
523
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,520
I was just calling your name,
like, three times.
524
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,240
What... gosh. Oh.
525
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:45,160
Are you still in performance?
526
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,800
What was it? Um... Vanessa, right?
527
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:52,160
Vanesja with a J. Like the hotels.
528
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,360
Sure. Right. Gosh.
529
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,480
You took my course years ago.
530
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,520
You know, I was so riveted when I heard
531
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:02,000
you were so committed to your thesis.
532
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,560
But some people are like,
oh, yeah, no, I don't think
533
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,120
she's in performance anymore.
534
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,560
I think she's genuinely an agent.
535
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,000
But that's not true, is it?
536
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:15,720
Huh.
537
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,280
You're not prolonging
your performance piece
538
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,920
'cause you're scared of
graduating with an arts degree
539
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,520
and not having money or insurance
540
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,920
or qualifying for Proof of Existence,
right?
541
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,000
I mean, you're not having your cake
542
00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:30,840
and eating it too, are you?
543
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:34,960
- I have to go.
- Sure.
544
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:39,480
Yeah, I have a very important cli...
client.
545
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,400
- Client.
- Waiting.
546
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:42,440
Sure.
547
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,960
Very nice.
548
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,840
You know, Vanesja, like the hotels,
549
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:49,560
the job of the artist is to make people
550
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,360
see things in a different way.
551
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:55,080
How does this performance change
anything?
552
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:57,680
Just something for you
to go home and munch on.
553
00:24:57,720 --> 00:24:59,040
All right?
554
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:00,360
I'm not gonna wait for the bus anymore.
555
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,280
I think I'm gonna walk.
556
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:04,960
You can't even walk in those shoes,
can you?
557
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,640
You're weak. You're weak.
558
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,000
Excuse me.
559
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,040
I should help.
560
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:16,800
Why else am I an artist
561
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:19,720
if not to make the world a better place?
562
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,160
Hey, babe?
563
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:37,720
Hey. Hi.
564
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:40,600
Sorry, I'm...
I'm sort of in the middle of something.
565
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:42,760
I... I finally got a biopsy,
566
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:46,840
and the, uh, the...
the doctor seems kind of worried.
567
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,720
Aw, listen,
I think we're gonna have to find
568
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,680
another way to get you an exception.
569
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,160
Wait, why?
570
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:58,440
Well, it's just,
you look amazing in the photo,
571
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:03,920
but, um...
it's just not your face.
572
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,520
So I think our only option
now is to pitch Zappos
573
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:07,880
that idea of yours.
574
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,320
You know, the how I...
No, no. There is no way.
575
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,960
I will not be selling out. Thank you.
576
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:16,560
Hello.
577
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:17,880
I hear you have an idea for a show for us.
578
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:19,200
I do, and I am very excited
579
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:20,320
to be sharing it with you today.
580
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,400
Ok, so remakes are very in right now,
right?
581
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:24,280
Right, right, right. Ok, give it to me.
582
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:25,960
Feed me. Feed Susana.
583
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:29,600
Ok,
so how about a remake of "The Lion King"?
584
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:33,640
Uh, this remake stars a zebra,
just, like, a random zebra
585
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:34,880
that otherwise would be considered
586
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:36,480
an extra in the movie.
587
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,760
But this zebra is like, wait,
why are lions our leaders?
588
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:40,560
Who elected them the leaders?
589
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,640
Why do we have to bow down
to them and get eaten by them?
590
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,080
So then the zebra leads the revolution,
591
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:48,400
but then the zebra does
end up getting eaten.
592
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:52,200
But as the zebra lays dying,
looking up into the heavens
593
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,720
with, like, maybe, like,
the sun reflected on his eye
594
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,360
and thinking, well,
you know, at least I tried.
595
00:26:58,400 --> 00:26:59,800
Ugh! Cut the bullshit.
596
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,840
- Hmm?
- Huh?
597
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:05,440
Cut the bullshit.
598
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,320
You know what we want,
and we know what you want.
599
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:09,560
You need a little piece of
paper that says you don't need
600
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:11,200
another little piece of paper.
601
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:12,600
If you don't sell a show,
602
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:14,760
you don't get exception
from Proof of Existence,
603
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,080
and you don't get to upload yourself.
604
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:19,120
That's right.
I got your medical records.
605
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:21,480
Zappos level intel.
606
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:26,160
I know you're expecting bad news,
and selling a show
607
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,920
is the only way to become incorporeal,
608
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,240
given that your little oyster
is at the bottom of the sea.
609
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:34,120
So let's quit playing games, huh?
610
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,280
Grow up. Give us what we want.
611
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:37,680
Give us your trauma.
612
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,160
Give it to us funny.
613
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:43,320
Give it to us en espanol, por favor.
614
00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:47,520
Ok, well,
I do have an idea in case of emergency.
615
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:48,920
Mm-hmm. Yes?
616
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,400
I was hoping I would never have to use.
617
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,560
Mm-hmm. Say it.
618
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:58,400
It's a script titled...
Well, say it.
619
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,600
That's a show.
620
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,120
Ok.
43456
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