Original subtitles

Are you kidding?

"I was here first"?

Get lost!

We were here first.

But we're scheduled

for this time

on this field.

Okay, this is no way

for adults to act

in front of children.

You're not only coaches,

you're also role models.

I would hardly call

what he does coaching.

Wow. Excellent

role modeling.

Apparently, the girls' team

does not have

a field assigned

to them for practice,

but the boys' team does.

No. Not on my watch.

Every child has

the right to play,

no matter

how boring the sport.

Okay. Could you just

share the field with

the girls today, please?

I'm the girls' coach.

She's the boys' coach.

Oh. Okay. Sorry.

That's sexist.

No, it's not.

Yeah. It kind of is.

Okay, why don't the boys

take the field today.

And then I will

make sure that

the girls get

a place to practice

by the end of the week.

And that, little lady,

is a Leslie Knope promise!

I'm a boy.

Good. Yeah.

'Cause I wasn't

talking to you.

I was talking to you.

You're a girl, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. She.

Mail's here.

Hey.

Now what?

Jerry! You got soup

all over our mail!

You jerk.

Oh, my God.

It's an envelope from

the IOW Awards Office!

Nobody freak out!

Do you know what this means?

I am Pawnee's

Woman of the Year!

The IOW is the Indiana

Organization of Women.

I have been

a dues-paying member

since I was nine.

And every year,

they choose one woman

to win the Dorothy

Everton Smythe Female

Empowerment Award.

Winning is

every girl's dream.

But it's my destiny.

And my dream.

Can you read it, please?

Where are my ladies at?

Here we go.

"The IOW is proud

to announce this year's

Dorothy Everton Smythe

"Female Empowerment

Award Winner,

Ronald Swanson."

Ha-ha.

Okay, pretty funny.

It says Ronald Swanson.

What? No, no.

No, it doesn't.

I... That... No.

That... What?

They only honor women.

And Ron's

the opposite

of a woman.

What's going on?

You're Pawnee's

Woman of the Year,

it looks like.

Well, it's about time.

No, no, no.

They've obviously made

some sort of mistake.

Bully for me!

Congratulations, Ron.

Yeah, congratulations.

Congrats.

That's awesome.

It's very exciting.

Awards are stupid,

which is why I fully intend

to decline this nonsense,

and recommend it go to Leslie

because she works

really hard, and I don't.

However,

she cares way too much

about crap like this,

which is why I can't

pass up this opportunity

to tease her about it.

Well, we can't stand around

all day congratulating me

on receiving an award

from some lousy

women's organization.

Back to work, everyone.

Hey, Freddy. Good news!

Your liquor license

renewal got got, yo.

What do you mean by that?

I got you

temporary approval

from the liquor board

pending full-board

authorization

and council review.

Got got.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

No worries.

You know the Snakehole's

my favorite Pawnee hot spot.

I want to open up

my own club one day.

Maybe call it something

like Club-a-Dub-Dub

or The Clubmarine,

sort of

a submarine-themed club.

Or Tom's Bistro.

The word "bistro"

is classy as.

Tom, we are looking

for a few top-quality

guys like yourself

to become part-owners.

A guy like you,

with your

political connections,

I think you'd make

a great asset.

I agree. That's why

I got into public service.

To help me.

All right. $10,000 a share.

I need the money by Friday.

$10,000.

That's chump change.

I will see you

Friday with $10,000.

All right, partner.

I just don't get

why the IOW would

give that award to Ron.

Yeah, it's a bummer.

One, he's not a woman.

And two, they mentioned

the Camp Athena project

in that letter.

That's my project.

I started that.

It was my brainchild.

Why would Ron start a camp

for troubled girls?

He wouldn't?

Exactly.

I deserve that award.

That award is mine.

Not his. It's mine.

You know what you should do?

I know,

I already started a list.

"Write an e-mail

to Barack Obama.

"Lock myself in my office

and scream until

I lose my voice."

That's all I have so far.

I was gonna suggest

maybe you just go

and talk to him.

You're only gonna

get more resentful

if you don't.

Hmm.

Hey, Ann. How...

Ann.

I have so much I need

to tell you right now.

Hey, Ann.

Leslie would like to

talk to you for a moment.

Is that all right? Good.

Jean-Ralphio.

Big T! What it do, nephew?

Jean-Ralphio,

I have a hot

investment opportunity

that you are gonna

wanna jump all over.

Hit me with it, daddy.

The Snakehole Lounge...

Heard of it.

...is looking

for investors.

No way. Yesterday,

if you would have asked me,

I would've said no,

but thank God,

my grandfather

just died, so I am

a-flush with cash!

Awesome. I have 4,000 bucks.

All I need you to do

is kick in six G's.

Six G's.

And then you and

I are part-owners

of the hottest

nightclub in Pawnee.

Also, sorry about

your grandpa.

No worries.

He was a dick.

Here's the thing.

I can kick in five G's.

That should be enough, right?

No, it's not enough.

I just said I need six G's.

What about

your trust fund?

My parents

had it amended.

I don't get anything

until I'm 50,

which is a waste,

'cause I'm gonna be

a billionaire

in Costa Rica by then,

eating dolphins

and hanging out

with lady singers.

It's not a huge deal.

Just sit tight.

I'll take care of it.

You wanna come home with me?

Don't you work

at Lady Foot Locker?

Look, if you're not

gonna pay rent,

at least clean up

your dishes.

Is that all?

No. Also,

The Bag of Smells

was a fun experiment,

but it has to stop.

Come on! No.

We're finally starting

to get serious results.

Andy, dude, I love you,

but shape up or move out.

What's going on?

The guitarist from my band

is driving me crazy.

He's such a control freak.

"That's not

a working fireplace, Andy."

"Stop writing phone messages

on the wall, Andy."

"Dude, seriously,

I love you

"but stop digging

that weird hole

in the backyard."

Is Mouse Rat

gonna break up?

Well, we're not

Mouse Rat anymore.

We changed it to Tackleshaft.

Oh.

I should just

get my own place.

You should.

I'll help you.

You can help me?

Yeah, that'd be fun.

April, you're like

an angel with no wings.

So, like, a person?

Hey. What's in the envelope?

Nothing.

You wanted to see me?

I think the Pawnee Chapter

of the IOW has made

a little mistake.

Really? You're saying

a women's organization

made a mistake?

I was as surprised

as you were.

But the fact is,

they only give

that award to women.

Hmm. Well,

it definitely said

Ron Swanson in the letter.

Yeah, but it also mentioned

my camp project.

Yes. Camp Xena.

Athena. Camp Athena.

You don't even know the name.

I almost got it.

I was pretty close.

No.

Look, Leslie, your job,

which you're great at,

is making me look good.

Which you've

clearly done well

because I'm getting

an award. Right?

Yeah.

Be proud of yourself.

You deserve an award.

Not this one, obviously,

this one belongs to me,

but some other one.

Some other lesser award.

And if the shoe were

on the other foot

and you won the award,

I would've

congratulated you.

Congratulations, Ron.

What's that?

You heard me.

You promised

the girls a field

by the end of this week.

Well, it's a man's world,

Winston. Get used to it.

I'm a man.

You know who

you should talk to?

Ron Swanson.

He's an award-winning

public servant.

He's the guy that's

gonna help you out.

Go on in there.

Excuse me?

Ron, someone's coming in.

Hi. Leslie said

I should come over here.

If you don't get credit

for your work,

why bother doing it?

Because I love it!

But I'm going

to make a point!

This VIP card gives

you exclusive access

to the investment

opportunity of a lifetime.

Where? Multipurpose Room F.

When? 3:00 p.m.

Dress code?

Black tie optional.

Just like life.

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Yes, yes.

Just hang on one second.

I'm doing

my official portrait

for the IUD

Awards Dinner Program.

IOW.

No, this portrait

is not official in any way.

I'm paying for it myself.

Did you need me?

Because some of us

actually do work around here.

Work that often

goes unrewarded.

I need your opinion.

Which of these objects

most represents women

for this portrait?

A pot?

Or this Deputy

Director Barbie?

Isn't it adorable?

She's got a little

briefcase, her cell phone.

"I'm going to help

my boss win an award."

How's the scheduling conflict

with the soccer teams going?

Take care of that, did you?

Nope.

Passed the buck to Donna.

That's not really

the attitude I'd expect

from an award winner.

Everything I do is

the attitude

of an award winner

because I've won an award.

So, what kind of place

are you looking for?

I can afford, like,

300 bucks a month.

I've always wanted

a doorman named Ernie.

That'd be awesome. Or Kipp.

I'm pretty flexible on that.

Here's a great one.

It's a Tudor mansion.

It's got seven rooms,

four bathrooms.

It's got a tennis court,

a pool and

a three-car garage.

What?

And it's only

$20,000 a month.

And it's in Chicago.

Ah!

That close!

It was almost perfect.

Actually, there are a couple

of cool places in here.

Let's go look at them!

Now?

Let's roll.

Okay.

Thank you all so much

for joining me today.

I have two questions

for you.

One, are you ready

for the investment

opportunity of a lifetime?

And two, do any of you

have pacemakers

or a history of epilepsy?

Yes, both.

Anybody? No?

Both.

All right.

Ladies!

Jay-Z. Rihanna.

Audrina Patridge.

Jon Gosselin.

Lady Gaga. Snooki.

Are these real people?

Cash Warren

and Dennis Rodman.

These are just a few

of the celebrities

that wish they could invest

in Pawnee's hottest club.

But they can't.

And you can.

For the small price

of only one, one, one,

thousand, thousand, thousand

dollars, dollars, dollars!

The only question is,

who's gonna be my partner?

Mark, I'm talking to you!

Donna, I'm talking to you!

Jerry! I'm talking to you!

Mark! I'm talking to you!

Twenty-six certificates,

plaques, ribbons,

trophies, medals

and miscellany

certifying that I am

the kind of person

who deserves recognition

for her achievements.

What do you have, Ron?

I have the Dorothy

Every Time

Smurf Girl Trophy

for excellence

in female stuff.

Dorothy Everton Smythe.

I swear to God, I would...

Leslie.

Before you continue,

please read this.

Another organization

giving you credit for

something you didn't do?

"I, Ron Swanson,

recognize that

"Leslie Knope should have

received the IOW Award

"for all the hard work

she has done,

"especially for

the Camp Athena project.

"However, in my opinion,

"she is far too

concerned with

institutional gratification."

No, I'm not.

"So, I am going to

let her dangle

"in order to show her

that awards are bull crap."

Come on, Leslie,

you know I'm not sexist.

I love powerful women.

You do attend

a shocking number

of WNBA games.

I'm just saying that

awards are political,

and everybody has an agenda.

If you spend your life

chasing them,

you'll drive yourself nuts.

Yeah, all right.

But Dorothy Everton Smythe

was a trailblazing feminist.

She was

the first woman in Pawnee

to wear pants on a Sunday.

She spent four years

in jail for that.

I know I'm not supposed to

care about these things,

but this one means a lot.

I know you've been changing

The acoustics in

the bathroom are insane.

So, how much

is this one again?

This one is $425 a month,

plus utilities.

I like it.

It seems to have

a lot of potential

and a lot of

"advantages," per se.

I could definitely

picture myself doing

something over there.

Can you hear that?

What is that?

It's still on.

You can light a match

to get rid of that smell.

I feel really good

about this.

Really?

It screams Andy Dwyer.

And I live nearby.

So, we could, like, carpool

to work or something.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

The scream just got louder.

So, what do you think?

I don't know.

Make me an offer.

Okay. First come,

first served.

Who's in? Jerry?

Jeez, Tom,

if I spend any more

than 25 bucks,

I gotta ask my wife.

Jerry, get out.

Okay.

"Mark? What are

we doing tonight?"

"I don't know, Ann.

"We could do

the usual boring stuff

like eat some chicken salad

"with some crackers,

or watch the pay-per-view,

"or we could go

to my nightclub

and do some dancing."

I don't think so, man.

You'd never have to

beg for sex again.

I don't wanna get

into this, really,

but I don't beg for sex now.

Forget about that, Mark.

Are you in or out?

It's just not

really my thing.

Bye, Mark.

Cindi.

Donna?

Maybe. I like The Snakehole.

Plus, I would look good

pulling into my

owner's parking space

in my Mercedes.

Just to be clear,

you wouldn't be

an owner, per se.

You, me and my boy,

Jean-Ralphio,

would each own

part of a share.

Will that be cash or check?

Not so fast.

I like to know who

I'm in business with.

I want to meet your boy.

In here. This lady's here.

Hi, I'm Elise Yarktin,

I'm with the IOW.

I'm Woman of the Year,

Ron Swanson.

Yes, I know.

We are very excited to be

presenting you

with the Smythe Award.

That's what I called you

to talk about.

I don't know

if I can take

all of the excitement.

So, I think the award

should go to

Miss Knope, here.

Hello.

She's the one

who really deserves it.

Camp Athena was her idea.

She did all the work.

You made a mistake.

We didn't make a mistake.

We made a very

conscious decision

this year to choose a man.

Why?

Well, every year,

we give it to a woman,

and, frankly, nobody cares.

Yeah, the media has

all but written us off

as a niche interest group.

But if you give

a women's award

to a mustachioed,

masculine man,

such as yourself,

well, then, eventually,

people take notice.

I don't want the damn thing.

Well, we're giving it

to you.

So, you're gonna

take it, like a man.

So congratulations.

The IOW is a bunch of

sexist jerks

who need to get back

in the kitchen

where they belong,

and leave the real

feminist work

to actual feminists

like Ron Swanson!

Oh, my God!

What is happening?

Now do you see

how silly these things are?

Unbelievable.

Obviously,

I'm just gonna decline it.

No, I want you to accept it.

I want you

to go to the podium

and talk about

how stupid awards are.

And how they are

superficial

and meaningless.

I want you to rip awards

a new a-hole!

Now we're talking.

I tell you what.

You write the speech.

Don't pull your punches.

I won't.

I'm gonna push my punches

as far as

my fists can extend!

Attagirl. Kind of.

What up, Big T! Stop.

This must be

the lovely Donna.

Listen, beautiful,

let's cut the bull, right?

You want this.

I definitely want this.

T.H. wants this.

Let's seal this

devil's three-way

right here, right now.

Step one,

we buy into this club.

Step two, we roll over

to the club,

either in your Mercedes Benz

or my pre-owned Acura Legend.

Step three, I dagger you

on the dance floor.

Just bounce,

bounce, bounce, bounce

Now, all the ladies say it

Bounce, bounce,

bounce, bounce, bounce

What do you say, sexy?

I'm out.

Why?

I hate that guy.

Mr. Swanson. Hi,

welcome to the IOW Awards,

and congratulations

on winning.

Yay!

Well, here is

your awards packet,

and if you will

just follow me,

we're gonna have

a little meet-and-greet

before the ceremony.

Okay.

Great.

No, I'm sorry.

This area is for

award winners only.

Get over yourself, Elise.

Work on the speech.

Let's nail these women.

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

I don't know, Andy.

What's it all about?

What's the secret?

Yeah.

Why's it so hard

to become a mogul?

All I want in life

is to own a nightclub

on every continent,

have my own line

of upscale sweat suits,

and a cologne

called Tommy Fresh.

And I fell $1,000 short.

Seriously?

That's all you needed?

Tom, I have $1,000.

You can have it.

Thanks, Andy,

but I can't

take your money.

I'm a singer/songwriter.

The two lines I've put into

every song I've ever sang,

"Spread your wings and fly,"

and "You deserve

to be a champion."

If you're telling me that

all you need is $1,000

to do your dreams,

then I want you to have it.

Are you sure about this?

Maybe.

You don't know

how happy

you just made me.

He's the Director

of the Pawnee Parks

and Recreation Department.

He is also the recipient

of this year's

Dorothy Everton Smythe

Female Empowerment Award.

Please put your

hands together

for Mr. Ron Swanson.

Thank you. Thank you.

Every award,

from the smallest trophy

to the Nobel Prize,

is nothing more than...

Is nothing more

than a great way

to honor someone.

So, I would like to

present this year's

Dottie English Whatever Award

to the person

who actually deserves it,

Leslie Knope.

Come on up here, Leslie.

Thank you.

I don't know what to say.

Honestly,

I'm just very honored

to work for someone

as insightful

and kind as my boss.

So, I would like to present

this year's Dorothy

Everton Smythe Award

to Ron Swanson.

I don't want it.

Just take the damn thing.

You deserve it.

No, no. Really.

No, Ron,

you deserve it.

Really,

but I don't want it.

But you won it.

And you should win it.

You should take it.

After that whole

conversation...

I'm being ridiculous.

You've done...

Could someone

please just take it?

Okay, I'll take it.

Who do I speak to about

getting this changed?

Get off the stage!

Yeah!

I still think

awards are stupid.

But they'd be

less stupid if they

went to the right people.

You gave Tom

all your money?

Yeah, well, I'm investing.

I'm like Warren Buffay.

I kind of feel like

it would have been

good for you to

have your own place.

Yeah, I know.

But I feel like Tom

really needed the money,

and small sacrifice

to see one of

your best friends'

dreams come true.

They cropped you out.

Figures.

So, where are you

gonna put it?

I have an idea.

One, two, three.

Two, three.

What's up?

Hey, guys. How long

did you wait in line?

I didn't wait at all!

I'm a part-owner.

Freddy!

I'm back.

Tom Haverford, part-owner.

Let me know if

you need anything.

Keep this booth warm

for me every night.

I'm gonna live

in this booth.

Yes, sir.

Donna?

What are you

doing here?

I bought three shares.

Thanks for the tip.