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Are you kidding?
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"I was here first"?
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Get lost!
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We were here first.
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But we're scheduled
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for this time
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on this field.
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Okay, this is no way
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for adults to act
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in front of children.
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You're not only coaches,
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you're also role models.
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I would hardly call
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what he does coaching.
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Wow. Excellent
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role modeling.
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Apparently, the girls' team
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does not have
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a field assigned
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to them for practice,
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but the boys' team does.
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No. Not on my watch.
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Every child has
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the right to play,
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no matter
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how boring the sport.
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Okay. Could you just
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share the field with
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the girls today, please?
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I'm the girls' coach.
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She's the boys' coach.
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Oh. Okay. Sorry.
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That's sexist.
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No, it's not.
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Yeah. It kind of is.
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Okay, why don't the boys
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take the field today.
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And then I will
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make sure that
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the girls get
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a place to practice
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by the end of the week.
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And that, little lady,
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is a Leslie Knope promise!
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I'm a boy.
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Good. Yeah.
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'Cause I wasn't
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talking to you.
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I was talking to you.
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You're a girl, right?
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Yeah.
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Yeah. She.
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Mail's here.
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Hey.
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Now what?
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Jerry! You got soup
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all over our mail!
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You jerk.
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Oh, my God.
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It's an envelope from
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the IOW Awards Office!
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Nobody freak out!
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Do you know what this means?
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I am Pawnee's
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Woman of the Year!
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The IOW is the Indiana
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Organization of Women.
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I have been
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a dues-paying member
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since I was nine.
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And every year,
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they choose one woman
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to win the Dorothy
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Everton Smythe Female
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Empowerment Award.
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Winning is
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every girl's dream.
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But it's my destiny.
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And my dream.
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Can you read it, please?
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Where are my ladies at?
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Here we go.
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"The IOW is proud
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to announce this year's
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Dorothy Everton Smythe
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"Female Empowerment
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Award Winner,
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Ronald Swanson."
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Ha-ha.
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Okay, pretty funny.
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It says Ronald Swanson.
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What? No, no.
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No, it doesn't.
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I... That... No.
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That... What?
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They only honor women.
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And Ron's
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the opposite
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of a woman.
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What's going on?
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You're Pawnee's
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Woman of the Year,
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it looks like.
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Well, it's about time.
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No, no, no.
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They've obviously made
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some sort of mistake.
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Bully for me!
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Congratulations, Ron.
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Yeah, congratulations.
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Congrats.
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That's awesome.
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It's very exciting.
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Awards are stupid,
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which is why I fully intend
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to decline this nonsense,
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and recommend it go to Leslie
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because she works
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really hard, and I don't.
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However,
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she cares way too much
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about crap like this,
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which is why I can't
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pass up this opportunity
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to tease her about it.
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Well, we can't stand around
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all day congratulating me
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on receiving an award
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from some lousy
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women's organization.
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Back to work, everyone.
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Hey, Freddy. Good news!
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Your liquor license
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renewal got got, yo.
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What do you mean by that?
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I got you
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temporary approval
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from the liquor board
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pending full-board
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authorization
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and council review.
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Got got.
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Thank you.
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Thank you so much.
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No worries.
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You know the Snakehole's
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my favorite Pawnee hot spot.
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I want to open up
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my own club one day.
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Maybe call it something
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like Club-a-Dub-Dub
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or The Clubmarine,
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sort of
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a submarine-themed club.
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Or Tom's Bistro.
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The word "bistro"
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is classy as.
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Tom, we are looking
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for a few top-quality
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guys like yourself
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to become part-owners.
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A guy like you,
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with your
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political connections,
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I think you'd make
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a great asset.
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I agree. That's why
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I got into public service.
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To help me.
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All right. $10,000 a share.
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I need the money by Friday.
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$10,000.
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That's chump change.
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I will see you
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Friday with $10,000.
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All right, partner.
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I just don't get
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why the IOW would
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give that award to Ron.
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Yeah, it's a bummer.
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One, he's not a woman.
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And two, they mentioned
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the Camp Athena project
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in that letter.
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That's my project.
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I started that.
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It was my brainchild.
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Why would Ron start a camp
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for troubled girls?
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He wouldn't?
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Exactly.
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I deserve that award.
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That award is mine.
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Not his. It's mine.
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You know what you should do?
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I know,
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I already started a list.
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"Write an e-mail
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to Barack Obama.
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"Lock myself in my office
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and scream until
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I lose my voice."
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That's all I have so far.
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I was gonna suggest
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maybe you just go
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and talk to him.
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You're only gonna
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get more resentful
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if you don't.
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Hmm.
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Hey, Ann. How...
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Ann.
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I have so much I need
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to tell you right now.
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Hey, Ann.
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Leslie would like to
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talk to you for a moment.
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Is that all right? Good.
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Jean-Ralphio.
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Big T! What it do, nephew?
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Jean-Ralphio,
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I have a hot
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investment opportunity
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that you are gonna
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wanna jump all over.
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Hit me with it, daddy.
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The Snakehole Lounge...
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Heard of it.
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...is looking
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for investors.
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No way. Yesterday,
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if you would have asked me,
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I would've said no,
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but thank God,
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my grandfather
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just died, so I am
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a-flush with cash!
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Awesome. I have 4,000 bucks.
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All I need you to do
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is kick in six G's.
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Six G's.
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And then you and
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I are part-owners
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of the hottest
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nightclub in Pawnee.
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Also, sorry about
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your grandpa.
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No worries.
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He was a dick.
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Here's the thing.
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I can kick in five G's.
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That should be enough, right?
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No, it's not enough.
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I just said I need six G's.
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What about
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your trust fund?
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My parents
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had it amended.
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I don't get anything
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until I'm 50,
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which is a waste,
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'cause I'm gonna be
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a billionaire
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in Costa Rica by then,
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eating dolphins
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and hanging out
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with lady singers.
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It's not a huge deal.
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Just sit tight.
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I'll take care of it.
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You wanna come home with me?
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Don't you work
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at Lady Foot Locker?
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Look, if you're not
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gonna pay rent,
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at least clean up
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your dishes.
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Is that all?
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No. Also,
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The Bag of Smells
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was a fun experiment,
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but it has to stop.
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Come on! No.
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We're finally starting
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to get serious results.
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Andy, dude, I love you,
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but shape up or move out.
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What's going on?
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The guitarist from my band
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is driving me crazy.
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He's such a control freak.
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"That's not
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a working fireplace, Andy."
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"Stop writing phone messages
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on the wall, Andy."
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"Dude, seriously,
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I love you
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"but stop digging
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that weird hole
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in the backyard."
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Is Mouse Rat
302
00:06:33,090 --> 00:06:34,650
gonna break up?
303
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,660
Well, we're not
304
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,660
Mouse Rat anymore.
305
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,660
We changed it to Tackleshaft.
306
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:38,980
Oh.
307
00:06:39,060 --> 00:06:40,720
I should just
308
00:06:39,060 --> 00:06:40,720
get my own place.
309
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,700
You should.
310
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,700
I'll help you.
311
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,130
You can help me?
312
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,130
Yeah, that'd be fun.
313
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,970
April, you're like
314
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,970
an angel with no wings.
315
00:06:48,370 --> 00:06:49,700
So, like, a person?
316
00:06:53,010 --> 00:06:54,770
Hey. What's in the envelope?
317
00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:56,370
Nothing.
318
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,070
You wanted to see me?
319
00:06:58,150 --> 00:07:01,410
I think the Pawnee Chapter
320
00:06:58,150 --> 00:07:01,410
of the IOW has made
321
00:06:58,150 --> 00:07:01,410
a little mistake.
322
00:07:03,050 --> 00:07:06,750
Really? You're saying
323
00:07:03,050 --> 00:07:06,750
a women's organization
324
00:07:03,050 --> 00:07:06,750
made a mistake?
325
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,610
I was as surprised
326
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,610
as you were.
327
00:07:08,790 --> 00:07:11,850
But the fact is,
328
00:07:08,790 --> 00:07:11,850
they only give
329
00:07:08,790 --> 00:07:11,850
that award to women.
330
00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:15,430
Hmm. Well,
331
00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:15,430
it definitely said
332
00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:15,430
Ron Swanson in the letter.
333
00:07:15,830 --> 00:07:17,920
Yeah, but it also mentioned
334
00:07:15,830 --> 00:07:17,920
my camp project.
335
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,490
Yes. Camp Xena.
336
00:07:19,630 --> 00:07:21,160
Athena. Camp Athena.
337
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,400
You don't even know the name.
338
00:07:22,470 --> 00:07:23,960
I almost got it.
339
00:07:22,470 --> 00:07:23,960
I was pretty close.
340
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,270
No.
341
00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:26,930
Look, Leslie, your job,
342
00:07:27,010 --> 00:07:29,170
which you're great at,
343
00:07:27,010 --> 00:07:29,170
is making me look good.
344
00:07:29,510 --> 00:07:31,610
Which you've
345
00:07:29,510 --> 00:07:31,610
clearly done well
346
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,550
because I'm getting
347
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,550
an award. Right?
348
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,520
Yeah.
349
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,520
Be proud of yourself.
350
00:07:37,820 --> 00:07:39,250
You deserve an award.
351
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,290
Not this one, obviously,
352
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,290
this one belongs to me,
353
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,160
but some other one.
354
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,160
Some other lesser award.
355
00:07:46,330 --> 00:07:48,390
And if the shoe were
356
00:07:46,330 --> 00:07:48,390
on the other foot
357
00:07:46,330 --> 00:07:48,390
and you won the award,
358
00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:50,660
I would've
359
00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:50,660
congratulated you.
360
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,670
Congratulations, Ron.
361
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,670
What's that?
362
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:55,760
You heard me.
363
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,530
You promised
364
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,530
the girls a field
365
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,530
by the end of this week.
366
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:04,270
Well, it's a man's world,
367
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:04,270
Winston. Get used to it.
368
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:05,670
I'm a man.
369
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,010
You know who
370
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,010
you should talk to?
371
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,010
Ron Swanson.
372
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,680
He's an award-winning
373
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,680
public servant.
374
00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:13,410
He's the guy that's
375
00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:13,410
gonna help you out.
376
00:08:13,490 --> 00:08:14,550
Go on in there.
377
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,190
Excuse me?
378
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,190
Ron, someone's coming in.
379
00:08:18,860 --> 00:08:21,460
Hi. Leslie said
380
00:08:18,860 --> 00:08:21,460
I should come over here.
381
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:25,490
If you don't get credit
382
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:25,490
for your work,
383
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:25,490
why bother doing it?
384
00:08:25,570 --> 00:08:27,230
Because I love it!
385
00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:29,730
But I'm going
386
00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:29,730
to make a point!
387
00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:35,970
This VIP card gives
388
00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:35,970
you exclusive access
389
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,780
to the investment
390
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,780
opportunity of a lifetime.
391
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,810
Where? Multipurpose Room F.
392
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,810
When? 3:00 p.m.
393
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,880
Dress code?
394
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,880
Black tie optional.
395
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,880
Just like life.
396
00:08:49,190 --> 00:08:50,660
Hey, you wanted to see me?
397
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:53,320
Yes, yes.
398
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:53,320
Just hang on one second.
399
00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:56,260
I'm doing
400
00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:56,260
my official portrait
401
00:08:56,330 --> 00:08:58,160
for the IUD
402
00:08:56,330 --> 00:08:58,160
Awards Dinner Program.
403
00:08:58,230 --> 00:08:59,290
IOW.
404
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:04,640
No, this portrait
405
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:04,640
is not official in any way.
406
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:04,640
I'm paying for it myself.
407
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:06,230
Did you need me?
408
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,000
Because some of us
409
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,000
actually do work around here.
410
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,410
Work that often
411
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,410
goes unrewarded.
412
00:09:12,910 --> 00:09:14,750
I need your opinion.
413
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,990
Which of these objects
414
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,990
most represents women
415
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,990
for this portrait?
416
00:09:19,590 --> 00:09:20,820
A pot?
417
00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:25,020
Or this Deputy
418
00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:25,020
Director Barbie?
419
00:09:26,630 --> 00:09:29,930
Isn't it adorable?
420
00:09:26,630 --> 00:09:29,930
She's got a little
421
00:09:26,630 --> 00:09:29,930
briefcase, her cell phone.
422
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,490
"I'm going to help
423
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,490
my boss win an award."
424
00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:36,030
How's the scheduling conflict
425
00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:36,030
with the soccer teams going?
426
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:37,090
Take care of that, did you?
427
00:09:37,170 --> 00:09:39,200
Nope.
428
00:09:37,170 --> 00:09:39,200
Passed the buck to Donna.
429
00:09:39,610 --> 00:09:42,580
That's not really
430
00:09:39,610 --> 00:09:42,580
the attitude I'd expect
431
00:09:39,610 --> 00:09:42,580
from an award winner.
432
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:45,440
Everything I do is
433
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:45,440
the attitude
434
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:45,440
of an award winner
435
00:09:45,510 --> 00:09:47,070
because I've won an award.
436
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,250
So, what kind of place
437
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,250
are you looking for?
438
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,380
I can afford, like,
439
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,380
300 bucks a month.
440
00:09:53,820 --> 00:09:57,020
I've always wanted
441
00:09:53,820 --> 00:09:57,020
a doorman named Ernie.
442
00:09:53,820 --> 00:09:57,020
That'd be awesome. Or Kipp.
443
00:09:57,090 --> 00:09:58,420
I'm pretty flexible on that.
444
00:09:58,490 --> 00:10:00,860
Here's a great one.
445
00:09:58,490 --> 00:10:00,860
It's a Tudor mansion.
446
00:10:00,930 --> 00:10:05,260
It's got seven rooms,
447
00:10:00,930 --> 00:10:05,260
four bathrooms.
448
00:10:00,930 --> 00:10:05,260
It's got a tennis court,
449
00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:07,060
a pool and
450
00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:07,060
a three-car garage.
451
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,260
What?
452
00:10:08,340 --> 00:10:11,900
And it's only
453
00:10:08,340 --> 00:10:11,900
$20,000 a month.
454
00:10:08,340 --> 00:10:11,900
And it's in Chicago.
455
00:10:12,170 --> 00:10:13,370
Ah!
456
00:10:13,610 --> 00:10:15,370
That close!
457
00:10:13,610 --> 00:10:15,370
It was almost perfect.
458
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,210
Actually, there are a couple
459
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,210
of cool places in here.
460
00:10:18,510 --> 00:10:19,880
Let's go look at them!
461
00:10:18,510 --> 00:10:19,880
Now?
462
00:10:19,950 --> 00:10:21,280
Let's roll.
463
00:10:19,950 --> 00:10:21,280
Okay.
464
00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:31,820
Thank you all so much
465
00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:31,820
for joining me today.
466
00:10:31,890 --> 00:10:33,690
I have two questions
467
00:10:31,890 --> 00:10:33,690
for you.
468
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,460
One, are you ready
469
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,460
for the investment
470
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,460
opportunity of a lifetime?
471
00:10:37,530 --> 00:10:40,830
And two, do any of you
472
00:10:37,530 --> 00:10:40,830
have pacemakers
473
00:10:37,530 --> 00:10:40,830
or a history of epilepsy?
474
00:10:40,900 --> 00:10:42,870
Yes, both.
475
00:10:40,900 --> 00:10:42,870
Anybody? No?
476
00:10:42,940 --> 00:10:44,240
Both.
477
00:10:42,940 --> 00:10:44,240
All right.
478
00:10:48,740 --> 00:10:50,080
Ladies!
479
00:10:52,780 --> 00:10:56,680
Jay-Z. Rihanna.
480
00:10:52,780 --> 00:10:56,680
Audrina Patridge.
481
00:10:57,290 --> 00:11:00,920
Jon Gosselin.
482
00:10:57,290 --> 00:11:00,920
Lady Gaga. Snooki.
483
00:11:01,190 --> 00:11:02,680
Are these real people?
484
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,750
Cash Warren
485
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,750
and Dennis Rodman.
486
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,850
These are just a few
487
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,850
of the celebrities
488
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,850
that wish they could invest
489
00:11:07,930 --> 00:11:10,920
in Pawnee's hottest club.
490
00:11:07,930 --> 00:11:10,920
But they can't.
491
00:11:13,570 --> 00:11:16,330
And you can.
492
00:11:13,570 --> 00:11:16,330
For the small price
493
00:11:13,570 --> 00:11:16,330
of only one, one, one,
494
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,530
thousand, thousand, thousand
495
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,530
dollars, dollars, dollars!
496
00:11:19,610 --> 00:11:22,940
The only question is,
497
00:11:19,610 --> 00:11:22,940
who's gonna be my partner?
498
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:26,740
Mark, I'm talking to you!
499
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:26,740
Donna, I'm talking to you!
500
00:11:26,810 --> 00:11:29,940
Jerry! I'm talking to you!
501
00:11:26,810 --> 00:11:29,940
Mark! I'm talking to you!
502
00:11:31,820 --> 00:11:34,480
Twenty-six certificates,
503
00:11:31,820 --> 00:11:34,480
plaques, ribbons,
504
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,550
trophies, medals
505
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,550
and miscellany
506
00:11:36,620 --> 00:11:38,320
certifying that I am
507
00:11:36,620 --> 00:11:38,320
the kind of person
508
00:11:38,390 --> 00:11:40,390
who deserves recognition
509
00:11:38,390 --> 00:11:40,390
for her achievements.
510
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,060
What do you have, Ron?
511
00:11:42,130 --> 00:11:45,620
I have the Dorothy
512
00:11:42,130 --> 00:11:45,620
Every Time
513
00:11:42,130 --> 00:11:45,620
Smurf Girl Trophy
514
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:47,430
for excellence
515
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:47,430
in female stuff.
516
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,730
Dorothy Everton Smythe.
517
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,730
I swear to God, I would...
518
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,100
Leslie.
519
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:54,140
Before you continue,
520
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:54,140
please read this.
521
00:11:54,710 --> 00:11:57,110
Another organization
522
00:11:54,710 --> 00:11:57,110
giving you credit for
523
00:11:54,710 --> 00:11:57,110
something you didn't do?
524
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,110
"I, Ron Swanson,
525
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,110
recognize that
526
00:12:04,250 --> 00:12:07,190
"Leslie Knope should have
527
00:12:04,250 --> 00:12:07,190
received the IOW Award
528
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,810
"for all the hard work
529
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,810
she has done,
530
00:12:08,890 --> 00:12:10,650
"especially for
531
00:12:08,890 --> 00:12:10,650
the Camp Athena project.
532
00:12:11,930 --> 00:12:13,450
"However, in my opinion,
533
00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:17,190
"she is far too
534
00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:17,190
concerned with
535
00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:17,190
institutional gratification."
536
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:18,730
No, I'm not.
537
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,290
"So, I am going to
538
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,290
let her dangle
539
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:26,140
"in order to show her
540
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:26,140
that awards are bull crap."
541
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,100
Come on, Leslie,
542
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,100
you know I'm not sexist.
543
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,100
I love powerful women.
544
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:32,780
You do attend
545
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:32,780
a shocking number
546
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:32,780
of WNBA games.
547
00:12:32,980 --> 00:12:38,250
I'm just saying that
548
00:12:32,980 --> 00:12:38,250
awards are political,
549
00:12:32,980 --> 00:12:38,250
and everybody has an agenda.
550
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,150
If you spend your life
551
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,150
chasing them,
552
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,150
you'll drive yourself nuts.
553
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:45,890
Yeah, all right.
554
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:45,890
But Dorothy Everton Smythe
555
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:45,890
was a trailblazing feminist.
556
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,790
She was
557
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,790
the first woman in Pawnee
558
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,790
to wear pants on a Sunday.
559
00:12:48,860 --> 00:12:50,490
She spent four years
560
00:12:48,860 --> 00:12:50,490
in jail for that.
561
00:12:50,830 --> 00:12:52,890
I know I'm not supposed to
562
00:12:50,830 --> 00:12:52,890
care about these things,
563
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:55,540
but this one means a lot.
564
00:12:57,970 --> 00:13:00,310
I know you've been changing
565
00:13:01,010 --> 00:13:03,000
The acoustics in
566
00:13:01,010 --> 00:13:03,000
the bathroom are insane.
567
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:06,140
So, how much
568
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:06,140
is this one again?
569
00:13:06,210 --> 00:13:09,240
This one is $425 a month,
570
00:13:06,210 --> 00:13:09,240
plus utilities.
571
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:14,150
I like it.
572
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:14,150
It seems to have
573
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:14,150
a lot of potential
574
00:13:14,390 --> 00:13:18,020
and a lot of
575
00:13:14,390 --> 00:13:18,020
"advantages," per se.
576
00:13:18,790 --> 00:13:22,420
I could definitely
577
00:13:18,790 --> 00:13:22,420
picture myself doing
578
00:13:18,790 --> 00:13:22,420
something over there.
579
00:13:24,900 --> 00:13:26,090
Can you hear that?
580
00:13:27,070 --> 00:13:28,500
What is that?
581
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,060
It's still on.
582
00:13:30,140 --> 00:13:31,660
You can light a match
583
00:13:30,140 --> 00:13:31,660
to get rid of that smell.
584
00:13:31,910 --> 00:13:33,900
I feel really good
585
00:13:31,910 --> 00:13:33,900
about this.
586
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:35,100
Really?
587
00:13:35,180 --> 00:13:36,240
It screams Andy Dwyer.
588
00:13:36,510 --> 00:13:39,780
And I live nearby.
589
00:13:36,510 --> 00:13:39,780
So, we could, like, carpool
590
00:13:36,510 --> 00:13:39,780
to work or something.
591
00:13:39,850 --> 00:13:41,210
Are you serious?
592
00:13:39,850 --> 00:13:41,210
Yeah.
593
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,010
The scream just got louder.
594
00:13:43,220 --> 00:13:44,380
So, what do you think?
595
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:46,650
I don't know.
596
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:46,650
Make me an offer.
597
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,780
Okay. First come,
598
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,780
first served.
599
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,780
Who's in? Jerry?
600
00:13:52,630 --> 00:13:53,860
Jeez, Tom,
601
00:13:53,930 --> 00:13:56,490
if I spend any more
602
00:13:53,930 --> 00:13:56,490
than 25 bucks,
603
00:13:53,930 --> 00:13:56,490
I gotta ask my wife.
604
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:57,690
Jerry, get out.
605
00:13:57,770 --> 00:13:58,760
Okay.
606
00:13:59,330 --> 00:14:01,300
"Mark? What are
607
00:13:59,330 --> 00:14:01,300
we doing tonight?"
608
00:14:01,370 --> 00:14:03,030
"I don't know, Ann.
609
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:06,370
"We could do
610
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:06,370
the usual boring stuff
611
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:06,370
like eat some chicken salad
612
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,040
"with some crackers,
613
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,040
or watch the pay-per-view,
614
00:14:09,110 --> 00:14:13,840
"or we could go
615
00:14:09,110 --> 00:14:13,840
to my nightclub
616
00:14:09,110 --> 00:14:13,840
and do some dancing."
617
00:14:14,180 --> 00:14:15,510
I don't think so, man.
618
00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,140
You'd never have to
619
00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,140
beg for sex again.
620
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:21,750
I don't wanna get
621
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:21,750
into this, really,
622
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:21,750
but I don't beg for sex now.
623
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,820
Forget about that, Mark.
624
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,820
Are you in or out?
625
00:14:24,490 --> 00:14:25,790
It's just not
626
00:14:24,490 --> 00:14:25,790
really my thing.
627
00:14:26,290 --> 00:14:27,490
Bye, Mark.
628
00:14:29,330 --> 00:14:30,490
Cindi.
629
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:31,970
Donna?
630
00:14:32,030 --> 00:14:33,870
Maybe. I like The Snakehole.
631
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:35,330
Plus, I would look good
632
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,370
pulling into my
633
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,370
owner's parking space
634
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,370
in my Mercedes.
635
00:14:38,910 --> 00:14:40,930
Just to be clear,
636
00:14:38,910 --> 00:14:40,930
you wouldn't be
637
00:14:38,910 --> 00:14:40,930
an owner, per se.
638
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:42,500
You, me and my boy,
639
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:42,500
Jean-Ralphio,
640
00:14:42,580 --> 00:14:44,210
would each own
641
00:14:42,580 --> 00:14:44,210
part of a share.
642
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:45,950
Will that be cash or check?
643
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:49,210
Not so fast.
644
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:49,210
I like to know who
645
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:49,210
I'm in business with.
646
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:50,750
I want to meet your boy.
647
00:14:51,150 --> 00:14:53,210
In here. This lady's here.
648
00:14:53,290 --> 00:14:56,820
Hi, I'm Elise Yarktin,
649
00:14:53,290 --> 00:14:56,820
I'm with the IOW.
650
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,890
I'm Woman of the Year,
651
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,890
Ron Swanson.
652
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,950
Yes, I know.
653
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,950
We are very excited to be
654
00:15:02,030 --> 00:15:03,860
presenting you
655
00:15:02,030 --> 00:15:03,860
with the Smythe Award.
656
00:15:04,230 --> 00:15:05,790
That's what I called you
657
00:15:04,230 --> 00:15:05,790
to talk about.
658
00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:08,530
I don't know
659
00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:08,530
if I can take
660
00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:08,530
all of the excitement.
661
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,500
So, I think the award
662
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,500
should go to
663
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,500
Miss Knope, here.
664
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,400
Hello.
665
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:14,600
She's the one
666
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:14,600
who really deserves it.
667
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,510
Camp Athena was her idea.
668
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,510
She did all the work.
669
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,510
You made a mistake.
670
00:15:18,910 --> 00:15:20,940
We didn't make a mistake.
671
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:24,780
We made a very
672
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:24,780
conscious decision
673
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:24,780
this year to choose a man.
674
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:26,340
Why?
675
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:30,020
Well, every year,
676
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:30,020
we give it to a woman,
677
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:30,020
and, frankly, nobody cares.
678
00:15:30,090 --> 00:15:34,430
Yeah, the media has
679
00:15:30,090 --> 00:15:34,430
all but written us off
680
00:15:30,090 --> 00:15:34,430
as a niche interest group.
681
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,260
But if you give
682
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,260
a women's award
683
00:15:37,330 --> 00:15:40,030
to a mustachioed,
684
00:15:37,330 --> 00:15:40,030
masculine man,
685
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:43,470
such as yourself,
686
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:43,470
well, then, eventually,
687
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:43,470
people take notice.
688
00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:45,140
I don't want the damn thing.
689
00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:47,010
Well, we're giving it
690
00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:47,010
to you.
691
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:50,070
So, you're gonna
692
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:50,070
take it, like a man.
693
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,180
So congratulations.
694
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,850
The IOW is a bunch of
695
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,850
sexist jerks
696
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,940
who need to get back
697
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,940
in the kitchen
698
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,940
where they belong,
699
00:15:58,020 --> 00:15:59,420
and leave the real
700
00:15:58,020 --> 00:15:59,420
feminist work
701
00:15:59,490 --> 00:16:01,680
to actual feminists
702
00:15:59,490 --> 00:16:01,680
like Ron Swanson!
703
00:16:02,060 --> 00:16:04,290
Oh, my God!
704
00:16:02,060 --> 00:16:04,290
What is happening?
705
00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:08,390
Now do you see
706
00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:08,390
how silly these things are?
707
00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:09,490
Unbelievable.
708
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,120
Obviously,
709
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,120
I'm just gonna decline it.
710
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,390
No, I want you to accept it.
711
00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:13,590
I want you
712
00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:13,590
to go to the podium
713
00:16:13,670 --> 00:16:15,140
and talk about
714
00:16:13,670 --> 00:16:15,140
how stupid awards are.
715
00:16:15,470 --> 00:16:17,300
And how they are
716
00:16:15,470 --> 00:16:17,300
superficial
717
00:16:15,470 --> 00:16:17,300
and meaningless.
718
00:16:17,370 --> 00:16:19,740
I want you to rip awards
719
00:16:17,370 --> 00:16:19,740
a new a-hole!
720
00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:22,900
Now we're talking.
721
00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:22,900
I tell you what.
722
00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:22,900
You write the speech.
723
00:16:22,980 --> 00:16:24,100
Don't pull your punches.
724
00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:25,610
I won't.
725
00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:25,610
I'm gonna push my punches
726
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,440
as far as
727
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,440
my fists can extend!
728
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,350
Attagirl. Kind of.
729
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,080
What up, Big T! Stop.
730
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:35,890
This must be
731
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:35,890
the lovely Donna.
732
00:16:38,590 --> 00:16:40,530
Listen, beautiful,
733
00:16:38,590 --> 00:16:40,530
let's cut the bull, right?
734
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,160
You want this.
735
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,160
I definitely want this.
736
00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:45,260
T.H. wants this.
737
00:16:45,330 --> 00:16:48,060
Let's seal this
738
00:16:45,330 --> 00:16:48,060
devil's three-way
739
00:16:45,330 --> 00:16:48,060
right here, right now.
740
00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:50,230
Step one,
741
00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:50,230
we buy into this club.
742
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,030
Step two, we roll over
743
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,030
to the club,
744
00:16:52,110 --> 00:16:54,910
either in your Mercedes Benz
745
00:16:52,110 --> 00:16:54,910
or my pre-owned Acura Legend.
746
00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:57,810
Step three, I dagger you
747
00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:57,810
on the dance floor.
748
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,350
Just bounce,
749
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,350
bounce, bounce, bounce
750
00:16:59,410 --> 00:17:02,820
Now, all the ladies say it
751
00:16:59,410 --> 00:17:02,820
Bounce, bounce,
752
00:16:59,410 --> 00:17:02,820
bounce, bounce, bounce
753
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,210
What do you say, sexy?
754
00:17:04,450 --> 00:17:05,480
I'm out.
755
00:17:05,550 --> 00:17:07,490
Why?
756
00:17:05,550 --> 00:17:07,490
I hate that guy.
757
00:17:11,260 --> 00:17:15,090
Mr. Swanson. Hi,
758
00:17:11,260 --> 00:17:15,090
welcome to the IOW Awards,
759
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,500
and congratulations
760
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,500
on winning.
761
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,220
Yay!
762
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:21,130
Well, here is
763
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:21,130
your awards packet,
764
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,000
and if you will
765
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,000
just follow me,
766
00:17:23,070 --> 00:17:25,340
we're gonna have
767
00:17:23,070 --> 00:17:25,340
a little meet-and-greet
768
00:17:23,070 --> 00:17:25,340
before the ceremony.
769
00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:26,400
Okay.
770
00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:26,400
Great.
771
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:29,800
No, I'm sorry.
772
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:29,800
This area is for
773
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:29,800
award winners only.
774
00:17:30,180 --> 00:17:31,810
Get over yourself, Elise.
775
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,250
Work on the speech.
776
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,250
Let's nail these women.
777
00:17:36,250 --> 00:17:37,650
You know what I mean.
778
00:17:36,250 --> 00:17:37,650
Yeah.
779
00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:40,620
I don't know, Andy.
780
00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:40,620
What's it all about?
781
00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:40,620
What's the secret?
782
00:17:41,790 --> 00:17:42,880
Yeah.
783
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,260
Why's it so hard
784
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,260
to become a mogul?
785
00:17:44,860 --> 00:17:47,520
All I want in life
786
00:17:44,860 --> 00:17:47,520
is to own a nightclub
787
00:17:44,860 --> 00:17:47,520
on every continent,
788
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,150
have my own line
789
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,150
of upscale sweat suits,
790
00:17:49,230 --> 00:17:50,490
and a cologne
791
00:17:49,230 --> 00:17:50,490
called Tommy Fresh.
792
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,230
And I fell $1,000 short.
793
00:17:52,570 --> 00:17:54,830
Seriously?
794
00:17:52,570 --> 00:17:54,830
That's all you needed?
795
00:17:55,270 --> 00:17:57,070
Tom, I have $1,000.
796
00:17:55,270 --> 00:17:57,070
You can have it.
797
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:58,910
Thanks, Andy,
798
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:58,910
but I can't
799
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:58,910
take your money.
800
00:17:58,970 --> 00:18:00,530
I'm a singer/songwriter.
801
00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:03,210
The two lines I've put into
802
00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:03,210
every song I've ever sang,
803
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,340
"Spread your wings and fly,"
804
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,340
and "You deserve
805
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,340
to be a champion."
806
00:18:06,950 --> 00:18:11,110
If you're telling me that
807
00:18:06,950 --> 00:18:11,110
all you need is $1,000
808
00:18:06,950 --> 00:18:11,110
to do your dreams,
809
00:18:11,850 --> 00:18:13,220
then I want you to have it.
810
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,110
Are you sure about this?
811
00:18:16,990 --> 00:18:17,980
Maybe.
812
00:18:18,060 --> 00:18:19,690
You don't know
813
00:18:18,060 --> 00:18:19,690
how happy
814
00:18:18,060 --> 00:18:19,690
you just made me.
815
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:25,260
He's the Director
816
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:25,260
of the Pawnee Parks
817
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:25,260
and Recreation Department.
818
00:18:25,330 --> 00:18:27,530
He is also the recipient
819
00:18:25,330 --> 00:18:27,530
of this year's
820
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,900
Dorothy Everton Smythe
821
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,900
Female Empowerment Award.
822
00:18:30,970 --> 00:18:33,670
Please put your
823
00:18:30,970 --> 00:18:33,670
hands together
824
00:18:30,970 --> 00:18:33,670
for Mr. Ron Swanson.
825
00:18:44,550 --> 00:18:45,710
Thank you. Thank you.
826
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:52,260
Every award,
827
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:52,260
from the smallest trophy
828
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:52,260
to the Nobel Prize,
829
00:18:52,860 --> 00:18:54,520
is nothing more than...
830
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,370
Is nothing more
831
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,370
than a great way
832
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,370
to honor someone.
833
00:19:05,810 --> 00:19:10,300
So, I would like to
834
00:19:05,810 --> 00:19:10,300
present this year's
835
00:19:05,810 --> 00:19:10,300
Dottie English Whatever Award
836
00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:13,440
to the person
837
00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:13,440
who actually deserves it,
838
00:19:13,510 --> 00:19:15,570
Leslie Knope.
839
00:19:13,510 --> 00:19:15,570
Come on up here, Leslie.
840
00:19:21,990 --> 00:19:23,120
Thank you.
841
00:19:23,190 --> 00:19:25,180
I don't know what to say.
842
00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:28,520
Honestly,
843
00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:28,520
I'm just very honored
844
00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:28,520
to work for someone
845
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,290
as insightful
846
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,290
and kind as my boss.
847
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:37,560
So, I would like to present
848
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:37,560
this year's Dorothy
849
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:37,560
Everton Smythe Award
850
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,160
to Ron Swanson.
851
00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:44,410
I don't want it.
852
00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:44,410
Just take the damn thing.
853
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:45,570
You deserve it.
854
00:19:45,650 --> 00:19:47,620
No, no. Really.
855
00:19:45,650 --> 00:19:47,620
No, Ron,
856
00:19:45,650 --> 00:19:47,620
you deserve it.
857
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,210
Really,
858
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,210
but I don't want it.
859
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,210
But you won it.
860
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:50,410
And you should win it.
861
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:50,410
You should take it.
862
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,040
After that whole
863
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,040
conversation...
864
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,040
I'm being ridiculous.
865
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,640
You've done...
866
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,640
Could someone
867
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,640
please just take it?
868
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,560
Okay, I'll take it.
869
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,560
Who do I speak to about
870
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,560
getting this changed?
871
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:58,390
Get off the stage!
872
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:58,390
Yeah!
873
00:19:58,460 --> 00:20:00,760
I still think
874
00:19:58,460 --> 00:20:00,760
awards are stupid.
875
00:20:01,630 --> 00:20:05,330
But they'd be
876
00:20:01,630 --> 00:20:05,330
less stupid if they
877
00:20:01,630 --> 00:20:05,330
went to the right people.
878
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,700
You gave Tom
879
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,700
all your money?
880
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,270
Yeah, well, I'm investing.
881
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:15,940
I'm like Warren Buffay.
882
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:17,780
I kind of feel like
883
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:17,780
it would have been
884
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:19,070
good for you to
885
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:19,070
have your own place.
886
00:20:19,150 --> 00:20:24,240
Yeah, I know.
887
00:20:19,150 --> 00:20:24,240
But I feel like Tom
888
00:20:19,150 --> 00:20:24,240
really needed the money,
889
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:25,510
and small sacrifice
890
00:20:25,590 --> 00:20:27,710
to see one of
891
00:20:25,590 --> 00:20:27,710
your best friends'
892
00:20:25,590 --> 00:20:27,710
dreams come true.
893
00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:34,090
They cropped you out.
894
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:35,550
Figures.
895
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:37,320
So, where are you
896
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:37,320
gonna put it?
897
00:20:37,630 --> 00:20:39,260
I have an idea.
898
00:20:39,830 --> 00:20:42,800
One, two, three.
899
00:20:39,830 --> 00:20:42,800
Two, three.
900
00:21:00,250 --> 00:21:01,240
What's up?
901
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,150
Hey, guys. How long
902
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,150
did you wait in line?
903
00:21:03,290 --> 00:21:05,160
I didn't wait at all!
904
00:21:03,290 --> 00:21:05,160
I'm a part-owner.
905
00:21:05,230 --> 00:21:07,250
Freddy!
906
00:21:05,230 --> 00:21:07,250
I'm back.
907
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,830
Tom Haverford, part-owner.
908
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,830
Let me know if
909
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,830
you need anything.
910
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:12,390
Keep this booth warm
911
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:12,390
for me every night.
912
00:21:12,470 --> 00:21:14,030
I'm gonna live
913
00:21:12,470 --> 00:21:14,030
in this booth.
914
00:21:16,540 --> 00:21:17,800
Yes, sir.
915
00:21:19,610 --> 00:21:20,800
Donna?
916
00:21:21,810 --> 00:21:23,110
What are you
917
00:21:21,810 --> 00:21:23,110
doing here?
918
00:21:23,180 --> 00:21:25,580
I bought three shares.
919
00:21:23,180 --> 00:21:25,580
Thanks for the tip.
49447
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