Original subtitles

If you look inside your bags,

you will find a few things.

A bouquet of hand-crocheted

flower pens...

Oh!

A mosaic portrait

of each of you

made from the crushed

bottles of your

favorite diet soda,

and a personalized

5,000-word essay

of why you are

all so awesome.

What's Galentine's Day?

Oh, it's only the best

day of the year.

Every February 13th,

my lady friends and I

leave our husbands

and our boyfriends at home

and we just come

and kick it breakfast style.

Ladies celebrating ladies.

It's like Lilith Fair

minus the angst.

Plus frittatas.

So to conclude

our Galentine's Day

breakfast,

it is time for the greatest

story ever told.

What's the story?

It's the most

romantic story ever.

It makes The Notebook

look like Saw V.

Go, Mom, go.

It was 1968.

I was 18

and our family went

on a vacation to Bermuda.

And on the first day,

I went for a swim

in the ocean.

And I got caught

in a very strong current.

You've heard this

story before, right?

Yes, but the drama.

The next thing I felt

were two very

powerful arms

whisking me to safety.

And he looked down

at me and he said,

"Are you okay?"

And I looked up

at him and I said,

"I am now."

So they sneak out

to meet each other

and walk on the beach.

And two weeks later,

he asked her

to marry him and

move to Illinois.

But her parents thought

she was too young,

so she said no.

And then they lost touch,

and a few years later

she met my dad.

I gotta take one

of those lifeguard courses.

Those guys get

all the action.

Am I right, Justin?

We gotta find this guy.

Frank? He's probably

married or dead.

What's the difference?

Am I right, Justin?

Well, at least let

me try and find him.

Imagine how much better

that story would be

if we actually reunited them?

I think Justin's right.

You should let him do this.

Okay. Do it.

But if you find him

and he's weird,

like a ventriloquist,

or a puppeteer,

or anyone who pretends

toys are people,

then abort the mission.

Absolutely.

You, you're the best

girlfriend ever.

Aw!

Happy Valentine's Day.

I knew, eventually,

somehow,

being in a relationship

with you would

totally pay off.

I bought him some

actual towels.

He was using a bathrobe.

And I bought him some other

things that humans

usually use, like shampoo.

Troops, gather around.

Great news.

The Senior Center

Valentine's Dance

is tomorrow,

from 5:00 to 9:00.

Are we talking a.m. or p.m.?

Those people are old.

Am I right, Justin?

Oh! Justin's not here.

It isn't just a job, gang,

we're gonna learn

a lot from these seniors.

Some of them

have been married

for half a century.

And no offense,

but everybody here

is terrible at love.

Divorced, dating a gay guy,

divorced twice,

jury's still out on you two.

And Jerry, who knows.

I've been happily

married for 28 years.

You've met my wife,

Gayle, many times.

Whatever.

Finally, Ann and Mark

are our special volunteers,

and they will be

available whenever needed.

I didn't volunteer.

Yeah, too bad.

You got drafted.

Ask not what your old people

could do for you,

ask what you could do

for your old people.

Terminator.

What? No, JFK.

This meeting

has been terminated.

That is the Terminator.

Nice.

Where am I going?

Well, hello there.

Well, hey.

I got your message.

You wanted to talk?

Yes, I do.

Oh.

Have a seat.

Mmm.

Some champagne?

Uh, no, thanks.

Come on.

This is Armand de Brignac.

Jay-Z drinks this.

Yeah, well, Jay-Z

doesn't have to

perform surgery in an hour.

You don't know

Jay-Z's schedule.

He's a renaissance man.

Okay, fine.

Well, this is for you.

Oh!

Well, it's almost

Valentine's Day,

so I thought it

would be a good day

to tell you that...

Okay. Let me just

stop you right there.

Look, Tommy,

I just want you to know

I'm so grateful for everything

you did for me,

but I only see

us as friends.

For now. But think about

how much better

our friendship would be

if we added doing it.

Seriously, I know

our marriage was fake,

but there's something

between us.

And I think we should

give it a shot, for real.

I just don't feel

that way about you.

I'm sorry.

Each time I do

Just the thought of you

makes me stop before I begin

I've got you

Under my skin

So, there's that one,

I guess.

All right.

You guys sound ready

for the dance tomorrow.

I don't know about

these old fogy songs,

Leslie.

Why can't we just

do our originals?

I just wrote

a new song, okay?

Bottom line,

it's called Sex Hair.

It's about how you can tell

when someone's just had sex

'cause of how their

hair gets matted up

in the back. It's awesome.

Think of it this way.

These songs are exactly

like the songs

you usually play,

except instead

of modern rock,

they're old jazzy

standards from the '40s.

Okay, yeah. You got a point.

Yeah.

You're gonna do great.

All right, guys.

Andy, I've been here

for half an hour.

Can I get my shoes shined?

Kyle, I'm gonna lose

my on you

if you ask me one more time.

Found him.

Frank Beckerson, 63.

Lives in a little town

called Bridgeport, Illinois.

Divorced, no kids,

worked as a lifeguard

when he was 20.

Ron, I need a half a day off

for a secret mission of love.

You're asking my permission

to take a nooner?

Sure. Well,

I don't know. Maybe.

Justin and I need to go

on a romantically-inspired

road trip.

So it is a nooner?

Well, we're planning

to leave around noon,

so I'm not quite sure...

That's... No, Leslie,

that is not a nooner.

I tracked down

this old flame

of Leslie's mom.

We're gonna go pick him up.

We're gonna reunite them

on Valentine's Day.

Is that

a great story or what?

Yeah, great story indeed.

Enjoy your half day off.

Thank you.

Pick you up

tomorrow around noon.

For our nooner.

Which is a cute word.

Explain it to her later.

Explain what?

Happy Valentine's Day.

First off,

a bear in a paper bag

and a heart-shaped balloon.

I love bears in bags.

Well, you will

like this, then.

Because this is a giant teddy

bear holding a red heart.

Aw!

Festive. What's this?

Oh, I don't know.

It's a heart-shaped

box of chocolates.

That's a dozen red roses

in a heart-shaped

arrangement.

See that? Perfume.

For the lady. Yeah.

Ooh! Ooh!

"Yearning, by

Dennis Feinstein."

Mmm. Ooh!

Dennis. No, no, Dennis.

Finally,

The Heart of the Ocean.

Gorgeous.

I never had a chance to get

a girl a clichéd

Valentine's Day gift before.

So I got you all of them.

Thank you.

That was very sweet.

Do you think

they'll get married?

Oh, my God,

what if they get married?

That would be amazing.

Would I

call him "Dad" then?

Hmm. Hmm.

No, that'd be too much.

Maybe I'll call him "Pappy."

Pop? Poppy? Paw-Paw?

Look at me.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Hey. You never know.

I'm gonna call him

"Poo-Paw."

How often do you get

to reunite soul mates?

What if I told you

that you could reunite

Romeo and Juliet?

Or Brad Pitt

and Jennifer Aniston?

Oh, Jen. I really

want you to be happy.

Stay away from John Mayer.

I cannot believe

I'm gonna meet

Frank Beckerson.

I feel like I've known

him my whole life.

Frank?

My God. Marlene.

Oh, no. Poo-Paw.

Poo-Paw, no.

I'm not Marlene.

Oh! So sorry. I should

really wear my glasses.

Come on in.

Frank, I was wondering.

My mom always said that

you wanted to be a lawyer.

Did that work out?

No. Never did.

Though I did once

act as my own lawyer.

Oh! I found some

old pictures

of Marlene and me. Look.

Look how young she is.

These are amazing.

Probably shouldn't

show you this one.

No, thank you.

Your mom was such

a firecracker. Smart,

funny, sharp as a tack.

Such firm breasts.

Oh, that was inappropriate.

Wow. I am just,

all of a sudden,

so nervous to see her again.

I'm gonna throw up

real quick

and then we can leave.

Hi.

Valentine's bash

at The Bulge tonight.

We can get you

a drink bracelet.

I can't. I've gotta

work at the Senior Center

Valentine's Day Dance thing.

That sounds amazing.

Can we come?

I guess.

I don't know why

you would want to.

Because old people

are funny.

Yeah, it'll be like

The Golden Girls.

I have to go get ready.

So, Frank,

where have you been

for the past 40 years?

Oh! You know, here and there.

You know?

Grenada, for a while.

Then Panama,

then Afghanistan.

So you were in the military?

Nope.

You know, I always wonder

how different

my life would've been

if your mother

had married me.

It would've been better.

I'll tell you that much.

Frank? Frank, are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm good.

I am just so

nervous to see her.

There is nothing

to be nervous about.

Have you got

a bag or something?

A what?

Do you have a bag?

I have a purse.

Well, give him

the purse then.

All right.

You like potato

and I like potahto

You like tomato

and I like tomahto

Potato, potahto

Tomato, tomahto

Let's call

the whole thing off.

Uh...

I mean, that sucked,

didn't it?

Maybe if you sang it

like Louis Armstrong.

Maybe, yeah.

I mean, here's

the thing, though.

Who is that?

My problem is I don't know

how to tell

if we're doing good.

Because when you

play a rock show,

it's really easy to know

if you're doing great

because chicks will

flash their boobs at you

when you're up onstage.

And you're like,

"Oh! That must've

sounded pretty good."

If that happens here,

my eyes will fall out

of my head and I'll die.

Frank? Frank, are you okay?

Maybe we should...

Yeah. Frank.

Frank. Frank.

Frank.

But I can't

see anybody but you

Flip flop

You know, I might be crazy,

but I have this

weird suspicion

that things are

going well with us.

You know, I have

that same suspicion.

But having never been

in something

like this before,

I feel the need to ask,

how am I doing?

Come on.

No, I'm sort of serious.

All right, fine,

forget it.

I'm just saying, you know,

it seems to me, on paper,

that this thing

we have is pretty great.

Yes, nerd.

On paper, this thing

we have is pretty great.

Mark is a great boyfriend.

I have no complaints at all.

Everything is good.

I don't know.

I don't feel right

about this.

Are you kidding me?

This is so much fun.

Look, we took

a road trip today.

We chased your mom's

long lost love

down a freeway.

He's a loon, Justin.

So he freaked

out a little bit.

He got nervous.

I mean, you would, too.

He was fine by the time

we got him back

inside the car.

Yeah, well, he cried

himself to sleep.

I mean, I don't know

why you're pushing.

Why do you want him

to spend time with my mom?

How would that help her?

I don't like this. I don't

think this is gonna work.

I'm calling this off.

Come on.

No, no, no. Look, we're here.

Let's just see what happens.

What happens is,

I drive him home.

Now, look.

You need to breathe.

I'm breathing. Okay?

Mom.

Oh!

There you are.

So, what's the big surprise?

You gonna try to check me

into an old folks home?

It's a long story.

One that we'd love

to tell you

over a cup of coffee,

somewhere far

from this place.

Frank.

Hello, Marlene.

My gosh. I can't

believe it's really you.

Wanna catch up?

Sure.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Do you think we

should stand by...

She's fine.

Let's just let this unfold.

Come here,

sonny. Let me tell you

about the Civil War.

Grandpa,

leave me alone.

You smell like death.

I'm gonna get some punch.

Excuse me. You guys

are really adorable.

It's really nice.

So Leslie's like,

"That's it,

I'm taking him home."

So, we look over,

and he's not even

in the car anymore.

You're kidding.

No. It's insane.

What does Leslie

think about all this?

Oh, God, Leslie.

I don't even know.

I think I just lost track

of her in all the chaos.

Anyway, so,

now he and Marlene

are off somewhere,

doing God knows what.

I don't wanna...

You're suing me

for alimony?

Yes.

When we were married,

I got accustomed

to a certain lifestyle.

And I'm entitled to money

to maintain that lifestyle.

This is insane.

Yeah, it's insane,

but it's all I got.

And you can make it

all go away if you just

gave me a chance.

What?

Three dates.

One date.

Coffee?

So your plan

was to sue me,

and then to use that

to blackmail me into

falling in love with you.

Yeah.

Hey. You guys sound good.

You really think so?

It's impossible to tell.

It's like Bizarro Land

out there.

As soon as

we finish a song,

it's dead silence.

Well, what do you

expect, you know.

They're like

a million years old.

Well, I'm glad

you like it.

You were always

a big supporter

of the band.

Hey.

Break's over.

Ludgate,

cracking the whip.

Yeah, well, these old bags

paid for some entertainment.

So get up there.

No, you're right. Okay.

Hey,

you should play that song

The Way You Look Tonight.

Hmm.

It's a good one.

The next one's going out

to a special little

lady named April Ludgate.

Someday

When I'm all alone

Are you guys... Never mind.

Why do you care?

I don't.

Just thinking of you

And the way you look tonight

What about you?

What do you do

for a living?

Well, it's been

an interesting ride.

Yeah?

I got a job

at a grocery store

right out of college

just for a way

to make money.

And here I am,

40 years later,

completely unemployed.

Wow.

What do you say

we pick up

where we left off?

You're not serious, right?

I'm serious

as a heart attack.

Of which I've had four.

And the world is cold

I will feel a glow

Just thinking of you

And the way you look tonight

Hey, Mom, are you okay?

Did Frank leave?

Uh, yeah. He just

stepped away for a second.

I'm so sorry

we brought him here.

Oh, it's okay.

It was very thoughtful,

sweetheart.

It's not your fault

that he turned out to be...

Excuse me. Hi.

Excuse me, hi.

My name is Frank Beckerson.

Marlene,

you

blew it.

Take one last look, Marlene,

because you'll never

see this body again.

Marlene, what happened

between you two?

Tell me everything.

I want every detail.

Hey, we're almost done,

so we can leave soon.

Yes. I'll take you

for an ice cream malted,

and then we can go

choose our caskets.

God, why does

everything we do

have to be cloaked in,

like, 15 layers of irony?

Here's something un-ironic.

Ever since you've been

hanging out

with that meathead,

you've become

completely lame.

You know what?

We're breaking up.

Fine, then you can't

make out with me

when you're drunk anymore.

Fine, then I'll make

out with Ben.

Pass.

No, he's my boyfriend.

You can either

make out with both

of us or none of us.

Fine, none of you.

Fine.

I've got you

Under my skin

Everything okay, Knope?

My boyfriend is

a lawyer, and he's smart

and interesting,

and there's a lot of

things about him I like.

But he acted like

a real jerk today.

I don't know. There's

something about the way

he treats people

or something.

He's a tourist.

He vacations

in people's lives,

takes pictures,

puts them in his scrapbook,

and moves on.

All he's interested in

are stories.

Huh.

Basically, Leslie,

he's selfish.

And you're not.

And that's why

you don't like him.

I told you so.

It's Duke Silver.

Duke, can I have

your autograph?

I love your music.

You're mistaken, ladies.

Move along.

I got you

under my skin

Yeah. Go Mouse Rat.

I thought you were

just terrific.

Seriously?

You sound like Dean Martin.

If I were 50

years younger...

What?

Wait. Who's Dean Martin?

If I'm not mistaken,

that was the old-lady

version of flashing.

Nailed the gig.

Look, it's sad, I know.

But we'll still be friends.

We're gonna see

each other all the time.

I come into town,

like, every other weekend.

No. You guys can't break up.

We can fix this.

Let me talk to Leslie.

Tom, it's over.

She doesn't wanna

see me anymore.

Is it my fault?

Did I do something wrong?

No.

Seriously, this has

nothing to do with you.

Can we still go

suit shopping?

Of course.

Armani's having a sale

right now.

I'm gonna get you

a pocket square.

All right.