Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Tom Haverford.

I work at the

Parks Department.

It's a little douchie.

Good call, J.

I'm getting divorced,

so I'm trying to up my game.

Who am I supposed to ask

for fashion advice? Jerry?

He wears the same

soup-stained khakis

every day.

Justin's my savior.

He's like an issue of GQ

that's come to life.

Tommy Timberlake.

You look like

Encyclopedia Brown.

Sequins!

Try it without the gloves.

Sequins,

minus the gloves.

Hey, what's up? I'm Tom.

Is my shirt lighting up?

'Cause I didn't even notice.

All right, guys.

Let's talk accessories.

Be honest. Which cane

do you like better?

Dragon? Serpent?

Dragon? Serpent?

Belt buckle, says,

"What's cracking?"

I can have it say whatever

I want. It can say,

"What's cracking? I'm Tom.

"What's cracking, girl?

What's cracking, boo?"

Eagle medallion!

Well, as far as white,

leather suits go...

It's horrible.

I like it.

Sweetums has

been Pawnee's

leading sweet-treat

manufacturer for

over 80 years.

And we are so excited about

our new partnership

with the Parks Department.

Starting next month,

Sweetums is gonna

take over the concession

stands in our parks.

I mean, I don't love the idea

of corporate sponsorship, but

Sweetums is an institution.

When you think of Pawnee,

you think of Sweetums.

Although candy is

our bread and butter,

we also care

about the health

of our customers.

And that's why we'll be

debuting our new healthy

energy bar, NutriYums.

Take a look.

Hi, I'm Nick Newport, Jr.,

CEO of Sweetums.

And I'd like to introduce

to you our new line

of energy bars, NutriYums.

We start with

100% all-natural corn,

then we add just

a little bit of

Sweetums corn syrup,

a little drop of sunshine,

and some other stuff.

And since they're from

Sweetums, you know your kids

are gonna love them.

Wow, that family looks

so healthy. Look at them.

They're all wearing vests!

Dakota? Denver?

Sorry, Shoelace.

We don't make NutriYums

for dogs. Yet.

Shoelace.

NutriYums.

Where nutritious meets tasty.

By Sweetums.

If you can't

beat them...

Sweetums!

I could not be

happier about this.

I think the

entire government

should be privatized.

Chuck E. Cheese

could run the parks.

Everything operated

by tokens. Drop in a token,

go on the swing set.

Drop in another token,

take a walk.

Drop in a token,

look at a duck.

Brendanawicz! Quick question,

do you personally know Xzibit?

Because I was checking out

that pickup truck of yours,

and that ride is pimped!

It's really nice of you

to compliment my pickup truck

with no ulterior motives.

Yeah, so, listen,

I need to move some

stuff this weekend

into my new bachelor pad,

since my divorce

is finally going down.

Just some odds and ends.

You can bring up

the Mark-mobile,

help me move, right?

I'm totally blanking

on a valid excuse

right now,

so, yes. I'll help you.

My boy!

I hate having

a pickup truck.

Andy, I have a very

interesting business

proposal for you.

I'm moving a lot

of heavy stuff

out of my place

this weekend.

Can I help you move?

I'm really good at it.

Afterwards, I'll take

the cardboard from the boxes

and use it for break dancing.

I'll go, too.

Really?

'Cause an hour ago

you told me you'd rather

watch a sex tape

of your grandparents.

Shut up. I don't have

anything else to do.

Do you want help or not?

All right.

See you guys later.

I think that that's really,

really sweet, that your

grandparents still make love.

Ready to go?

Yes.

Your keys, please.

You gotta

be kidding me. I'm fine.

Well, we'll let the chart

be the judge of that.

What are you,

5'11", 210 pounds,

three whiskeys?

Looks like you are

just over the line

into impaired.

You carry that with

you all the time?

It comes in handy.

And on the back,

it teaches you how

to play blackjack.

Swansons have

a preternaturally high

tolerance for alcohol.

My old man used

to put Wild Turkey

on his Corn Flakes.

I'm not gonna argue

with you, Ron. We're

just gonna sit and wait

until, you know,

you're safe to drive,

which would be in about

one hour.

"Insurance is a side bet

when you wager half

of your original bet

"because you believe

the dealer has

a 10 in the hole."

Get off my car,

woman!

Twenty minutes.

The dealer really has

an advantage. That's what

I get the most from this.

Hey, Ron.

Morning, Leslie.

Did you have a good night?

I did. I watched

a really good...

What is that?

This is what

I did last night.

After I got home,

I drank six more

glasses of whiskey

and then I finished

crafting this small harp,

using a band saw,

a spoke shave and an

oscillating spindle sander.

Beautiful.

But wait, there's more.

Here are some photographs

of me drinking the whiskey.

You'll notice I'm holding up

yesterday's newspaper,

so you can tell

that I'm not lying.

I feel like

I'm in a spa.

So, I got my truck

all cleaned out and

ready to go for tomorrow.

Do you have, like,

furniture pads and dollies?

That sort of thing?

Ooh, I thought

the mover supplied those.

I'm not a mover!

I'm a sap who owns a truck.

Don't talk about

yourself like that.

And bring some coffee.

Hey, are you moving out?

Have you told Wendy

how you feel yet?

Waiting for the right time.

It's right now.

The time is now.

Just don't worry

about it. I'm fine.

Hmm.

What's that over there?

Mmm!

Holy cow.

Yeah.

Wow.

That is good stuff.

Great, right?

Oh, my God.

They're amazing.

They're more than amazing.

They are terrific.

Terrific's not more

than amazing, Jerry.

No? Well, it's not less.

Everything Sweetums makes

is off the charts.

I like their

candy fingernails.

I can't believe these

things are healthy.

It's not that crazy.

Krackel bars, also

healthy and delicious.

No, they're not.

Yeah. They actually

have rice in them. So...

Andy, you're fine,

but you're simple.

Who just put 100

of these in their body?

Ann! Oh! Look at you!

You're looking pretty

unhealthy today.

You might need one of these,

NutriYum, by Sweetums.

If you can't beat them,

Sweetums!

I love that song.

Ow!

I need to go

check my e-mail.

We're gonna sell these

in the park now.

They're healthy!

Holy God.

No, they're not,

they're terrible for you.

No, they're not.

There's a picture of

Lance Armstrong on there.

Yeah, but look at the

ingredients. "High-fructose

corn syrup, corn syrup."

There's only

eight grams of fat.

Yeah. Per serving.

A bar is four servings.

Well, people seem

to enjoy them. Look

how happy everybody is.

Yeah, that's

a sugar rush.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

They're gonna crash soon,

and it's not gonna be pretty.

Yeah, I'm gonna

crash soon, too.

'Cause I've eaten,

like, 40 of these.

Oh, God!

Generally, I like

to stay out of other

people's business.

But Pawnee is

the fourth most obese

city in America.

The kids here are beefy.

They're just husky,

big-boned, plus-sized

chunk monsters.

I call them like I see them.

Leslie?

Yeah?

Let's get some

almonds in you, okay?

Okay.

Get it.

I can't open them.

Back to work.

I hate it here.

This place is evil.

I think these are

the only two films that

say "Sweetums" on the label.

Yeah, well, let's take

them both. We might find

something interesting.

Here, just let me stick

them under my shirt.

No.

Just walk out.

They have sensors!

Just check them out.

It's free.

Hey, Marci.

Leslie.

Are they finally

teaching you Parks people

how to read?

Oh, I guess not.

It's a movie.

You're pretty cocky for

someone whose job is obsolete

because of the Internet.

Let's see.

Hmm. You seem to

have a $40 late fee

on a book called

Mysteries of

the Female Orgasm.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do.

Ann, grab the movie!

Go, go, go, go!

Punk-ass book jockeys!

So, you guys all good

with the Sweetums

concession-stand deal?

I can go ahead

and sign off on it?

You betcha.

Actually, no.

No. We are worried

that the energy bars

that they're gonna sell

are grossly unhealthy

and they're misleading

people about what's

actually in them.

No, we're not worried

about that. We're fine

and we sign off.

Paul, can I have

a sidebar with Ron?

I guess.

Sidebar, Ron. I did some

research, and NutriYums

are terrible for you.

I don't care.

We're doing it.

That's a...

We're in a sidebar.

Do you not care about

your city's health?

I care about the

people's right to consume

whatever they want.

Paul, can you and I

have a sidebar?

No.

Okay. I think maybe

we should hold

a public forum.

That way we

won't be liable.

There's no point.

It's a home run

for the city.

No, I think she's

right. It's a good

cover-our-ass move.

Let's do it.

Paul!

Leslie, why must you

stick your nose into

everyone else's business?

Sidebar, Paul. Ron's

upset because I didn't

let him drive last night.

Stop sidebarring.

Somebody's grouchy.

You said

it was just odds and ends.

It is, yeah.

And some furniture.

And the plasma TV.

You haven't even

folded up the boxes yet.

Dude, Deep Blue Sea.

Greatest movie ever made.

That's the Canadian version,

22 extra minutes,

and there's a bonus

audio track where LL Cool J

raps all his dialog.

What? We're watching

this right now.

Yes!

Pop it in!

No, no, no!

We should really

pack this room up

and get moving.

So, this is a really

big room I need

packed up, guys.

This is your bedroom?

No, it's a spare room

I converted

into a walk-in closet

/home fitness center.

What is that?

Oh.

I strapped an MP3 player

to one of those

floor cleaning robots.

I call him "DJ Roomba."

Little guy cruises around

and plays music.

What's hot, DJ Roomba?

DJ Roomba,

tearing it up!

He likes me.

Let's dance for

a little while, Mark.

What...

NutriYums energy bars

are just absolutely loaded

with high-fructose

corn syrup

and fatty oils.

And any way

you slice it,

they're just extremely

unhealthy for you.

Leslie needs

to butt out.

The whole point

of this country is,

if you want

to eat garbage,

balloon up to 600 pounds

and die of a heart attack

at 43, you can.

You are free to do so.

To me, that's beautiful.

Any questions?

If sugar is so bad,

how come Jesus

made it taste so good?

Yes?

But isn't all

food bad for you?

I've been eating

lasagna and muffins

every day of my life

for 40 years

and I feel terrible.

Right.

What's so bad

about corn syrup?

It's natural.

Corn's a fruit.

Syrup comes from a bush.

Oh, boy.

How do we know

you're really a nurse?

I am, I promise.

I work at Saint Joe's.

Well, the point is,

my friend thinks

you're cute.

Give me your number

so he can have it.

Yeah,

that's not gonna happen.

Can I have your

e-mail address?

Oh, my God.

I just got on AOL.

No!

I think we ought to

throw those bars out

and eat

ham-and-mayonnaise sandwiches.

That's not a good idea.

Ham and mayonnaise!

That's not...

No.

Ham and mayonnaise!

No, no, no, no.

Ham and mayonnaise!

Ham and mayonnaise!

Oh, God.

I can't believe you

do this every week.

I'm actually encouraged.

The questions were

more relevant than usual.

Yeah. I need to order

the brown Timberlands

in a size eight, narrow.

How much is

the next-day shipping?

And, what's two-day

shipping?

Yeah,

I'd like to place an order

for one pad thai, chicken,

and no scallions

on it, please.

Just for one person,

yeah. Just one.

Yeah, I saw Mark carrying,

like, three boxes.

That dude is strong.

Whatever.

I'll carry five boxes!

Go get 'em, champ!

Okay, Donna.

Where do you want this?

Uh-uh. That's it.

My baby has

a delicate suspension.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not. Move.

Put it in your truck,

Brendanawicz.

There's plenty of room.

Hey!

Ah! My pocket squares!

Sorry, Shoelace.

We don't make NutriYums

for dogs. Yet.

NutriYums.

Where nutritious meets tasty.

By Sweetums.

I guess that

about says it all.

You know,

it doesn't, actually.

I think we should watch

another video right now,

one that your company

made 30 years ago.

I'm Nick Newport,

president of Sweetums,

giving you a look inside

our corn syrup factory.

This is all-new,

high-fructose corn syrup,

a miracle product

that's sweeter than sugar,

but cheaper to produce!

Cheap, delicious,

sugary corn is currently

being used by farms

to fatten up

their cows and pigs.

Look how fat

those cows are!

Fat, happy and docile,

the way we like them.

So, you still want to

claim that corn syrup

is healthy?

Corn syrup is natural,

and it's fine

in moderation.

But don't take

my word for it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Nick Newport, Jr.!

All right!

What's going on?

Yeah!

How you doing?

Yeah! Yeah!

That's what

I'm saying!

My kids,

Denver and Dakota!

Come on down, guys!

I just wanna get...

That's good hose water.

Don't get my shoes.

Hey, what's up, guys?

You come to help

Tom move, too?

Too late! We already

almost got all of it.

No, we just

thought it'd be funny

to see April

doing physical labor.

It's been

an awesome moving day.

I got the little robot

to play Dave Matthews.

Little baby!

What's he talking about?

DJ Roomba.

What?

All right.

Back to the grindstone.

Awesome seeing you,

dudes.

See you.

Later, bro.

Hi.

God, this is so weird.

It's, like,

end of an era, huh?

It's kind of sad.

Yeah, we'll still

be friends.

Yeah.

Well, hey,

you guys must be starving.

You want me to

order you pizza

or something?

Oh, that'd

be great, yeah.

Okay.

Why don't you get some

Canadian bacon on it,

since you're from Canada.

Mmm-hmm.

And sausage,

'cause I am brown

and spicy.

Okay, all right.

Well, I will see

you around, I guess.

Yeah.

Right?

I'm around.

I'll see you around.

Bye.

Wow. Mr. Newport, Jr.,

thank you so much

for coming.

But don't you think

that every person

has a right to know

what they're putting

in their bodies?

Right, everybody?

Is Shoelace here?

Where's Shoelace?

Shoelace couldn't make it.

Aw!

But I do agree

with this nice lady.

That's why I say

we should let

the people be the judge.

Denver?

Everybody!

Check under your seats!

Look, look!

I got chocolate!

Denver,

you little son of a bitch.

Mmm.

There's no pizza left?

Sorry, Jer. Too slow.

Do you want my crusts?

Here, take this.

Nobody even told me

the pizza was here.

Jerry!

You stepped on DJ Roomba!

That was an accident.

You killed him!

I built him myself.

He was like a son to me.

Okay. Time to vote.

All those

who would like

the bloated corpse

of the government

to keep running

the snack bars

at taxpayer expense,

raise your hands.

That seems like

an unfair phrasing.

And all those in favor

of letting this heartless

corporation, Sweetums,

stuff your children

with sugary crap,

raise your hand.

Thank you, everybody.

I can't believe this.

You know what?

We did our job.

We informed the public.

That's all we can do.

MAN ON PHONE:

I'm sorry, man.

There's nothing we can do.

Are you serious?

Look, we'll get it fixed

and I'll see you Monday.

I just got off the phone

with my new landlord.

Apparently, there's been

some sort of gas leak

and I can't

move into my place

until Monday now.

Are you telling us

we have to unload this

and move it

back in the house?

No, I can't put it there.

I promised Wendy I'd be

out of here tonight.

I got it.

Everybody go home,

pack away my stuff

in your own houses.

Then on Monday,

pack it back up,

meet me at my new place,

unload it there.

Come on, guys.

See you, Tom.

Bye.

Later.

Hey, bro, wanna go

get our grub on?

Totes, bro.

Wings and brews!

Why are you guys

talking like that?

Just chillaxin' like

your new bro, Andy.

Yeah. Wanna play

some Hacky Sack later,

maybe listen to

Blues Traveler?

Okay. I'm leaving.

We're just kidding.

Let's go to dinner.

I'm not hungry.

And you guys

aren't being funny.

Why are

you being weird?

We make fun of

people like that.

That's what we do.

You know,

for a gay couple,

you guys

are being really gay.

I said,

"Of course I remember you.

You're Chastity, right?"

Leslie!

Even though

I didn't invite you,

you came here anyway.

I respect that,

because you made a choice

as a free American.

What are you eating?

I call this

"turf and turf."

It's a 16-ounce T-bone

and a 24-ounce porterhouse.

Also, whiskey and a cigar.

I'm gonna consume

all of this

at the same time

because I am

a free American.

No cigars inside, sir.

Fine. I will smoke

the entire thing outside.

Even though

it is bad for me,

I am going to do it.

Why is he being

such an ass?

It's a long story.

It's freezing outside,

so I will not be

smoking this cigar.

But rest assured,

I could if I wanted to,

because this...

This is America,

right? Is it?

May I speak with you,

please?

Look, I don't know

if you're being

a jerk on purpose

just to prove you have

the right to be a jerk,

but either way,

you're being a jerk.

So, here.

Take the booze chart.

Are you kidding me?

No.

If you're gonna drink,

you should use it, okay?

I'm gonna head out.

By the way,

maybe it's none

of my business,

but if you eat

three pounds of steak

every day, you're gonna die,

and although I've already

written your eulogy,

and it's incredibly touching,

I would prefer not to give it

for a while.

The first line,

by the way?

"O Captain! My Captain!

Ron Swanson, a swan song."

Yeah, and it gets

better from there.

April! April!

You wanna watch me rollerblade

in the parking lot after work?

I'm pretty awesome.

I used to be really good.

That was, like,

70 pounds ago.

I can't.

I'm kind of busy.

Oh, that's lame.

Tomorrow?

Maybe. I don't know.

Okay. Bye.

Just kidding!

I don't fall!

I...

What are you eating?

I didn't have time

to have breakfast.

I'm gonna toss these

in the dumpster outside.

And I don't wanna

see you digging around

in there later.

I am sorry.

I have been a horse's ass.

And that is the end

of what I have to say.

Apology accepted.

Put a coat on.

It's freezing outside.

Jerry! Jerry!

This is the ghost

of DJ Roomba.

Why did you kill me?

I'm gonna

haunt you, Jerry.

I'm gonna follow you

and play the Black Eyed Peas

on a non-stop loop!