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would you please welcome Mr Justin
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McKinney
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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thank you wow
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thank you you seem uh really excited
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tonight really excited
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and for some of you I don't know if it's
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because of me or because you're just
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happy to be watching something other
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than your children tonight
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I nailed that yeah
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I uh I have two kids I have a second
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grader and a fourth grader and let me
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just find out now how many people have
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kids clap if you have kids clap if you
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have kids
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and how many of you want more
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exactly
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seemed like a good idea at the time
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right
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it's a lot of work it's very stressful
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people don't have kids yet you don't
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understand it's like when they were both
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in diapers that was very stressful
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because I was a stay-at-home dad yeah
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well my kids didn't stay home they went
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to daycare but I stayed home
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[Applause]
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and that was very stressful knowing at
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the end of the day they'd be back
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friends were like hey enjoy this stage
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it's going to be over before you know it
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don't blink I'm walking around blinking
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oh my God like this can't end fast
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enough what are you talking about
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I couldn't wait to get them into
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kindergarten
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but as parents you're always learning I
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don't know what I'm doing half the time
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I'm always learning like I didn't
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realize when they scared kindergarten
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before they started school you got to go
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to this orientation like two months
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before where they ask you questions like
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so where is your child at academically
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uh the beginning
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they supposed to be doing something
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these last few years
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I thought I'd bring them to you you take
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it from here
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[Applause]
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I've just been waiting for the free
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daycare to kick in
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foreign
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yeah if you don't have kids get ready
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for that daycare I had no idea how
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expensive it was
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right we found this non-profit daycare
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it was called non-profit
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when my two kids are going it was 25
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Grand a year
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how is nobody making a profit
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did you mean profit with a pH
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no profits are there all right all right
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why does he need a profit all right yeah
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sounds like a good idea to me I don't
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want to you know
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supposedly there's no one's making a
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profit and then I'm like what's going on
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down there so I went down there I go to
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pick my kid up right first week to like
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uh they're like Jack really liked the
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smoked salmon we had today
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Diddy
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did he like the smoked salmon I didn't
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have albacore tuna in a can until I was
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27 years old
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candy have a fish stick like a normal
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kid
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you like the smoked salmon did you
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cleanse his palate first with some
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sorbet would you go right to the smoked
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salmon from the Goldfish I packed them
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foreign
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smoked salmon
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then they had yoga in there they had
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yoga yeah because you know kids are
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stressed
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this says it all right they say to me
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one day they go yeah this Friday just so
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you know we got the petting zoo coming
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here
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I'm like the petting Zoo's coming here
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they're like yeah it's easier
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what does that say
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about how difficult kids are
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that it is easier to pack up the Sheep
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the goats the llamas the alpacas the
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donkeys the ponies
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the pigs
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put them all in a truck
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ship them over there set up all the
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cages
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ship them all out is easier than getting
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these little shits to put their shoes on
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their coach and get out the friggin door
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all right
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I mean hey everyone uh sorry to cut in
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but I had to ask
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is it just me or can anyone else see a
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group of four-year-olds and tell which
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kid is probably gonna end up in prison
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all right
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my kid's knock on wood currently are not
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in prison but I worry about them because
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they watch these YouTube stars who go
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into Walmart and they screw with people
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and they almost get arrested and I tell
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my kids these are not role models and
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they're like what do you mean dad
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they're they're successful they've got
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more YouTube subscribers than you
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all right that's where you come in and I
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have a favor please like this video And
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subscribe and follow me so I can shut
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these kids up super easy it's three
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clicks it's a heck of a lot easier than
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getting your kids to appreciate all the
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crap you do for them am I right all
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right thanks again everyone I hope you
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enjoy the rest of the special I mean
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what is that costing
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let's do that
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they probably would have been fine if
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they didn't have the petting zoo they
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got stuffed animals can't they pet those
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I mean do we have to be
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he's gonna get older I'm like sorry
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buddy I don't have more money to help
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you with college but I can still picture
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you eating that smoked salmon like it
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was yesterday
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remember Pat in the goat
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you go get your daycare yearbook will
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reminisce
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yeah this daycare had a yearbook I'm not
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making that up
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I come in like we're taking pictures
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Tuesday for our yearbook I'm like
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yearbook
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you're gonna have superlatives in this
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yearbook
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most likely to have a BM before nap time
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parents know what a BM is right yeah if
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you don't have kids you might not know I
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didn't know
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it's a bowel movement
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look you're explaining it to him right
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now it's a bowel movement
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right I was like you sir
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I thought it was food
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I go in there like Jack had two BMS
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today I'm like did he like them
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so you like them more than the smoked
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salmon
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maybe I should take a beer
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BF think excuse me I'm like I should
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take a BM in some smoked salmon I mean
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I'm paying 25 grand for this
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but financially
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you're smart
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you get two and that's it stop because
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if you have three that 25 Grand a year
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becomes 37 000 a year right it adds up
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I've Got Friends that like so are you
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guys gonna have more I'm like no
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you wouldn't want another
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definitely not you you won a third I'm
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like put it this way my wife had her
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tubes tied and I got a vasectomy
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and I wear a condom
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and I pull out
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[Applause]
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we can't take any chances
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it's expensive do you know that they say
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that one kid costs 250 Grand from time
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birth until he moves out 250 000 bucks
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and you don't get any of that back
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kids are a bad investment
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talk about depreciation
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foreign right
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they say a car is a bad investment once
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you drive it off the lot you start
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losing money once you drive that kid off
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the lot at the hospital
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you start losing money
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tens of thousands every year
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for about 16 years then they start
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driving that car that you've been losing
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money on
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and then you die whatever you got left
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they get that too do I get anything back
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on this investment are there any
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benefits
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people don't have kids yet just have to
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be aware
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all right someone needs to tell you
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because it hits you hey you just don't
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you don't realize it
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birth control is back in the news again
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they're all about whether or not they
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should be given free birth control to
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people who can't afford it let me just
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say this if you can't afford birth
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control
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you can't afford a kid
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okay
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you want to get laid I'll pay for it
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so I think one of the biggest problems
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we have in this country is too many
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people having kids that shouldn't have
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kids
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right there's too many people
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I mean everyone do what you can man you
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know guys wear a condom
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guys if you don't want to wear a condom
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just wear Crocs
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with socks
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that'll keep you out of the game for a
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little while that'll
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that'll happen
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women the birth control pill hey I'm all
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for it a lot of people get fired up
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about the birth control pill Rush
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Limbaugh called that woman a
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because she took a birth control pill I
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don't think you can call a woman that
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takes the birth control pill a I
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think you can call a woman that takes
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the morning after pill a procrastinator
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oh
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look I'm just saying
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some women should be on that morning
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after pill daily dose you know what I'm
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talking about put it right in the coffee
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the morning after blend but whatever you
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got to do look some people you get too
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many kids you should have kids did you
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hear about the woman just this past
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Wednesday that left her three-year-old
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in the corn maze
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you heard about this it just happened
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Wednesday left the three-year-old in the
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corn maze didn't notice he was missing
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until the next day
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even in prison they do a head count at
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the end of the night
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they found the boy and he's all safe and
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everything and you know an officer you
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know found the boy and put him put him
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in the cruiser and showed him a movie
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the movie that he showed the boy I'm not
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lying Finding Dory
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nothing like keeping his mind off the
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situation
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show him Annie
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his orphanages aren't that bad I mean
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she had a good time a lot of dancing and
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singing going on in there so we don't
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find your parents
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show them Children of the Corn
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[Applause]
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so he's safe and uh
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I think they're going to be reuniting
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them back together but uh you know she's
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hoping that she gets him back before
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Halloween because she really wants to
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take him to a haunted house and uh
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sure he uh
282
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you always think of the all this stuff
283
00:12:22,140 --> 00:12:23,640
costs money when you have kids you know
284
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:24,660
what I mean my kids wanted me to take
285
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:26,459
them to a corn maze so I Googled corn
286
00:12:26,459 --> 00:12:29,040
maze but I accidentally typed in a p
287
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:35,569
instead of a c
288
00:12:35,579 --> 00:12:37,620
it took me 45 minutes to get out of
289
00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:40,069
there I
290
00:12:40,079 --> 00:12:44,629
I got lost and uh
291
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,260
ended up running out of time and we
292
00:12:46,260 --> 00:12:47,700
couldn't go to the corn maze so I saved
293
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:54,410
a few bucks so it worked out in the end
294
00:12:54,420 --> 00:12:56,639
because let's get that 250 Grand down to
295
00:12:56,639 --> 00:12:58,860
like 200 Grand is that too much to ask
296
00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:01,200
I'd like to shave 100 Grand off my kids
297
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,600
right so I'm always thinking of ways you
298
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,240
know sad story around uh where I lived
299
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:09,600
last year a a whale washed up and uh on
300
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,279
the beach it washed up on shore it died
301
00:13:11,279 --> 00:13:12,720
it was sitting on the beach for you know
302
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,660
like a day and uh it was a sad story but
303
00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:17,160
it worked out good for me because my
304
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,899
kids had been asking me to take them on
305
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:24,560
a whale watch for a year
306
00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:28,560
[Laughter]
307
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,560
anybody else go check it out it was
308
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:34,200
yeah I'm like come on kids we're going
309
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:37,380
on that whale watch yay you're the best
310
00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:38,600
daddy I know
311
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,200
[Laughter]
312
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,700
he's like do you think we'll see a whale
313
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:45,829
I'm like I bet you five bucks we do
314
00:13:45,839 --> 00:13:48,480
won that bet you know
315
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:52,740
down to 249 995 bucks see you just gotta
316
00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:54,360
be creative
317
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,700
just gotta think
318
00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:58,980
you gotta worry about all kinds of
319
00:13:58,980 --> 00:14:00,779
things being a parent now
320
00:14:00,779 --> 00:14:03,180
and I know some of you some of you might
321
00:14:03,180 --> 00:14:04,440
not have kids and you might never have
322
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:05,399
kids there's nothing wrong with it
323
00:14:05,399 --> 00:14:06,060
because let me tell you another
324
00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:07,079
something that's getting a little more
325
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:08,459
popular now that you're hearing more and
326
00:14:08,459 --> 00:14:11,639
more kids killing their parents
327
00:14:11,639 --> 00:14:17,810
Oh yeah talk about buyer's remorse
328
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:19,860
that moment What's going
329
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,800
to killing you are you kidding me right
330
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,420
now
331
00:14:24,420 --> 00:14:27,480
all the I've been through
332
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,300
you're killing me
333
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:34,380
all the no sleep practices the games the
334
00:14:34,380 --> 00:14:39,650
rides the you're killing me
335
00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:42,180
can you imagine if you did in vitro it's
336
00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:48,090
like you hired your own Hitman foreign
337
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:59,810
[Applause]
338
00:14:59,820 --> 00:15:02,220
the chances of you being killed by your
339
00:15:02,220 --> 00:15:04,380
kids if you don't have kids goes way
340
00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:10,490
down
341
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:11,940
I don't want that to happen I'm doing
342
00:15:11,940 --> 00:15:14,100
all the right things you know
343
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:15,540
spending the time you got to spend the
344
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:16,740
time with the kids love them to death
345
00:15:16,740 --> 00:15:18,959
gotta spend the time with them
346
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:22,079
my first grader was reading me a book
347
00:15:22,079 --> 00:15:23,399
I don't know if you've ever had a first
348
00:15:23,399 --> 00:15:27,230
grade to read you a book
349
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:35,030
tough to sit through
350
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,459
he was reading me Pete the Cat
351
00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:40,980
gets up to bat familiar with this book
352
00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:43,440
Pete the Cat gets up the bat okay now
353
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,240
this is basically the book okay this is
354
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,579
him reading to me now right he's like
355
00:15:47,579 --> 00:15:52,500
Pete gets up to bat strike one
356
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:55,970
strike two
357
00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:57,839
freaking strike he just said it twice
358
00:15:57,839 --> 00:15:59,399
man Focus
359
00:15:59,399 --> 00:16:00,720
who the hell is that it's like you just
360
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,100
read it they'll do that they'll read a
361
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:03,480
word twice in the third time they know
362
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:04,680
they don't they can't get there I'm like
363
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:05,760
come on
364
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,860
this book's gonna take an hour you're
365
00:16:07,860 --> 00:16:15,470
dropping out on that
366
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,110
so
367
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,500
excuse me
368
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:23,579
strike three Pete strikes out but he was
369
00:16:23,579 --> 00:16:33,590
not sad he tried his best
370
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:39,300
Pete is in the field he drops the ball
371
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:43,810
but he was not sad he tried his best
372
00:16:43,810 --> 00:16:49,620
[Laughter]
373
00:16:49,620 --> 00:16:52,790
keep going
374
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:57,120
Pete tries to score he gets thrown out
375
00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:01,920
at home play but he is not sad he tried
376
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,620
his best I think my kid I said Josh the
377
00:17:04,620 --> 00:17:07,140
this book should be called Pete sucks
378
00:17:07,140 --> 00:17:13,669
foreign
379
00:17:13,679 --> 00:17:16,199
this book should be Pete the Cat on the
380
00:17:16,199 --> 00:17:19,559
bench he sat until he gets his head in
381
00:17:19,559 --> 00:17:20,520
the game
382
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,679
I'm sorry but Pete should knock at a
383
00:17:22,679 --> 00:17:24,890
trophy
384
00:17:24,890 --> 00:17:31,919
[Applause]
385
00:17:31,919 --> 00:17:34,080
you know what the saddest part is you
386
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,880
know that his parents
387
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,080
okay
388
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,780
probably had to drive an hour
389
00:17:39,780 --> 00:17:42,120
and find some field out in the woods to
390
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,980
watch this debacle because he was on the
391
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:47,150
Travel team
392
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,200
ah
393
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,100
how annoying is the travel team
394
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:55,440
when you're in first grade
395
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,360
because when your kid is on the Travel
396
00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:01,320
team you're on the Travel team you are
397
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:05,990
The Traveler
398
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,480
my kid in first grade right I Funny he's
399
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,520
on the travel soccer team I'm like the
400
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:15,179
travel Socrates he misses the ball every
401
00:18:15,179 --> 00:18:16,559
other kick
402
00:18:16,559 --> 00:18:20,510
he's gotta leave town for that
403
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,620
we have to let all the other towns know
404
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:26,330
how bad he sucks at soccer
405
00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:28,500
right let's keep that local we don't
406
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:29,660
need all that
407
00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:36,549
surrounding towns knowing
408
00:18:36,559 --> 00:18:39,780
and the games I gotta tell you
409
00:18:39,780 --> 00:18:42,600
the games were Sunday at two o'clock in
410
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,460
the afternoon what happened Sunday at
411
00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:46,860
two o'clock in the afternoon football
412
00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:49,860
exactly
413
00:18:49,860 --> 00:18:53,280
so I talked him into quitting
414
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:54,890
all right
415
00:18:54,890 --> 00:19:00,070
[Applause]
416
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,660
like buddy you gotta quit
417
00:19:02,660 --> 00:19:05,400
you should quit
418
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,620
but Daddy I thought you said quitters
419
00:19:07,620 --> 00:19:09,059
never win well you know what they never
420
00:19:09,059 --> 00:19:11,940
lose either I mean
421
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:15,720
break and even that's okay and we leave
422
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:21,409
now we get back by halftime
423
00:19:21,419 --> 00:19:24,650
that's a win
424
00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:27,120
these Sports man and I feel bad for
425
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,740
hockey parents we have any hockey
426
00:19:28,740 --> 00:19:29,730
parents out there
427
00:19:29,730 --> 00:19:31,340
[Music]
428
00:19:31,340 --> 00:19:33,740
not many of you
429
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:36,299
yeah well there's that's a commitment
430
00:19:36,299 --> 00:19:38,039
right it's like you're up at four in the
431
00:19:38,039 --> 00:19:39,660
morning five in the morning the the the
432
00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:41,640
the equipment costs a fortune you're
433
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,200
gonna travel out of state sometimes it's
434
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,780
up to Canada I mean my kids wanted to
435
00:19:45,780 --> 00:19:47,400
play hockey but unfortunately they've
436
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,990
got that ice allergy
437
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,460
or it's very rare
438
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,380
it's only two cases in the entire
439
00:19:55,380 --> 00:19:59,520
country and what are the odds a little
440
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:04,549
cluster right at the end of my street
441
00:20:04,559 --> 00:20:08,330
break guys
442
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:10,020
whole different time now than when I
443
00:20:10,020 --> 00:20:12,120
grew up you know it's all different
444
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,820
rights gentler a little softer right my
445
00:20:14,820 --> 00:20:16,320
two boys were fighting on the couch one
446
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,059
day right and they're I go in there I go
447
00:20:18,059 --> 00:20:20,039
what's going on in here you know
448
00:20:20,039 --> 00:20:21,780
my second grader says you know to the
449
00:20:21,780 --> 00:20:24,240
fourth grader he's like Jack called me a
450
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,880
name I'm like Josh I'm like you just
451
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,039
tell him that sticks and stones can
452
00:20:29,039 --> 00:20:31,500
break my bones but names will never hurt
453
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:32,640
me
454
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:36,120
they both go that's not what it is
455
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,740
like what do you mean that's not what it
456
00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:40,140
is like that's not the saying
457
00:20:40,140 --> 00:20:42,120
like what's the saying they're like it's
458
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,100
Sticks and Stones can break your bones
459
00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:46,799
and names can really hurt me
460
00:20:46,799 --> 00:20:48,179
oh my God
461
00:20:48,179 --> 00:20:50,940
yeah I'm like who told you that you buck
462
00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:53,820
tooth
463
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:57,049
what
464
00:20:57,059 --> 00:20:59,880
team hurt you
465
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,620
they're gonna be tough the world's
466
00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:03,480
dangerous out there we're gonna know a
467
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:07,789
name get over it
468
00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,720
mean
469
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,340
did you know they tweaked it I didn't
470
00:21:11,340 --> 00:21:12,900
know they changed it they updated it
471
00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:15,179
well you can't look
472
00:21:15,179 --> 00:21:16,799
you can't let a name bother you we've
473
00:21:16,799 --> 00:21:18,720
got Kim Jong-un
474
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,059
with nuclear weapons over there on the
475
00:21:21,059 --> 00:21:22,940
other side of the world calling us names
476
00:21:22,940 --> 00:21:25,440
Trump's calling him names they're acting
477
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,299
like a couple of school kids we gotta
478
00:21:27,299 --> 00:21:28,980
update it for them but get sticks and
479
00:21:28,980 --> 00:21:31,500
stones it's nukes and drones can
480
00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:33,539
disintegrate my bones
481
00:21:33,539 --> 00:21:35,760
but names will never hurt me
482
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,500
I don't want world war three starting
483
00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:40,300
because they get all mad oh it's a name
484
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:45,240
[Applause]
485
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,799
it's hard being a parent now and I gotta
486
00:21:46,799 --> 00:21:48,360
be honest everything going on the world
487
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:49,260
I don't know if I would have brought my
488
00:21:49,260 --> 00:21:50,640
two kids into this world if I knew
489
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,159
they'd be threat of nuclear war or
490
00:21:53,159 --> 00:21:56,220
terrorism opioid epidemic so many
491
00:21:56,220 --> 00:21:58,620
freaking snow days
492
00:21:58,620 --> 00:22:02,210
foreign
493
00:22:02,220 --> 00:22:04,080
do you know how many snow days there'd
494
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,299
be before you had kids you don't realize
495
00:22:06,299 --> 00:22:10,500
how many there are until you have kids
496
00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:13,020
the worst two words a kid can yell at
497
00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:18,649
seven in the morning are snow and day
498
00:22:18,659 --> 00:22:20,640
well maybe I'm pregnant but I got two
499
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,620
boys so
500
00:22:22,620 --> 00:22:25,559
I'm all right with that
501
00:22:25,559 --> 00:22:29,100
you know who likes snow days teachers
502
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:31,860
oh we got some over here oh yeah
503
00:22:31,860 --> 00:22:35,090
I don't blame you
504
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:37,440
that teach a workshop who you kidding
505
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:42,120
that's a mental health day
506
00:22:42,130 --> 00:22:44,840
[Applause]
507
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,460
and I get it
508
00:22:47,460 --> 00:22:50,580
we had a stretch last year where
509
00:22:50,580 --> 00:22:53,159
six days in a row we had either full no
510
00:22:53,159 --> 00:22:55,320
school days or two hour delay days six
511
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,020
days in a row there was something
512
00:22:58,020 --> 00:23:01,020
and the two hour delay first of all in
513
00:23:01,020 --> 00:23:02,100
my town
514
00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:06,900
they robocall us at 5am
515
00:23:06,900 --> 00:23:10,260
they wake us up two hours early that's
516
00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:12,179
two hours plus another two that's four
517
00:23:12,179 --> 00:23:13,320
hours you got to spend with your
518
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:14,760
freaking kids
519
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,400
I hope you got an iPad
520
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,200
we better get the pot of coffee going
521
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:23,029
this day's gonna suck
522
00:23:23,039 --> 00:23:25,980
they're gonna be tired all day
523
00:23:25,980 --> 00:23:27,900
all day right then the next day we had a
524
00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:29,760
no school day like oh you got to be
525
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:30,900
kidding me
526
00:23:30,900 --> 00:23:33,120
right next day you had another two hour
527
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,559
delay day so you're like all right you
528
00:23:34,559 --> 00:23:36,000
wrap your head around I can handle two
529
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,740
hours I'll get them off to school but
530
00:23:37,740 --> 00:23:40,260
sometimes the two-hour delay
531
00:23:40,260 --> 00:23:44,390
turns into a full no school day
532
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:45,900
I think it's all the teachers calling up
533
00:23:45,900 --> 00:23:47,580
going I I slid right off the road we
534
00:23:47,580 --> 00:23:49,919
can't have school I'm on my way in we
535
00:23:49,919 --> 00:23:55,490
can't do it I'm in a ditch
536
00:23:55,500 --> 00:24:02,270
no score
537
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,100
here's my question how come it has to go
538
00:24:05,100 --> 00:24:07,919
from a two-hour delay to a full no
539
00:24:07,919 --> 00:24:10,080
school day how come we can't have a four
540
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,600
hour delay option how about that I'd
541
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,120
take it or a six hour delay
542
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,520
if you take my kids from two to three
543
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,280
for one hour I'll take it I just want to
544
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,080
sit in my car and shut my eyes and
545
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:27,230
listen to my radio for one hour
546
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:28,980
and I loved it
547
00:24:28,980 --> 00:24:30,780
I love when we have a really bad storm
548
00:24:30,780 --> 00:24:32,700
it's like a blizzard and state of
549
00:24:32,700 --> 00:24:35,330
emergency
550
00:24:35,340 --> 00:24:37,200
news has to list all the school
551
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:38,700
cancellations
552
00:24:38,700 --> 00:24:40,080
and they list every one of them
553
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,679
alphabetical one at a time
554
00:24:43,679 --> 00:24:45,299
how about just putting the school that's
555
00:24:45,299 --> 00:24:50,870
still open today how about that
556
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:52,500
[Applause]
557
00:24:52,500 --> 00:24:54,360
so is there a home school that's still
558
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:58,549
firing it up today
559
00:24:58,559 --> 00:25:01,440
and God forbid you live in a town where
560
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:04,740
it's a w or a y you have to wait 45
561
00:25:04,740 --> 00:25:06,720
minutes before it gets to the W's and
562
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,059
the Y's you go in to take a piss you
563
00:25:09,059 --> 00:25:10,620
come back you're like they're on
564
00:25:10,620 --> 00:25:12,970
the A's
565
00:25:12,970 --> 00:25:18,350
[Applause]
566
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:21,480
snow days cost us money right if you get
567
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,220
whether it's work or when we have a long
568
00:25:23,220 --> 00:25:24,360
brutal winter this is what people that
569
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:25,200
don't live in New England don't
570
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,419
understand if we have a long brutal
571
00:25:27,419 --> 00:25:29,159
winter that costs all of us more money
572
00:25:29,159 --> 00:25:30,779
whether you're heating your home the
573
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:33,000
plow guy gasp for the snow blower that's
574
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,140
why people that don't live up here don't
575
00:25:34,140 --> 00:25:35,880
understand like how come people in New
576
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,020
England are always watching the weather
577
00:25:37,020 --> 00:25:39,059
all the time why because that's the
578
00:25:39,059 --> 00:25:45,529
stock market for poor people
579
00:25:45,539 --> 00:25:47,159
want to know if we're making money or
580
00:25:47,159 --> 00:25:49,260
we're losing money today you know why we
581
00:25:49,260 --> 00:25:51,419
like 70 degrees because it's free we're
582
00:25:51,419 --> 00:25:52,679
not running the heat we're not running
583
00:25:52,679 --> 00:25:57,830
the AC we're breaking even today
584
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:03,590
and that's a good day
585
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,820
Winters are expensive
586
00:26:05,820 --> 00:26:08,400
in New England especially when you
587
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,140
got the you got kids you got the
588
00:26:10,140 --> 00:26:11,520
Patriots you got to keep buying
589
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,460
championship gear every freaking year
590
00:26:14,460 --> 00:26:20,390
right
591
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,740
I'm just saying a Jet's dad that dude
592
00:26:22,740 --> 00:26:28,600
hasn't bought a shirt in 50 years
593
00:26:28,610 --> 00:26:30,120
[Applause]
594
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:34,730
jealous
595
00:26:34,740 --> 00:26:37,320
guys shave it up
596
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:38,940
it's not bad enough that we gotta you
597
00:26:38,940 --> 00:26:40,980
know
598
00:26:40,980 --> 00:26:43,080
by the Patriot stuff then like this
599
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,520
happened my oldest
600
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:47,220
he's nine years old he wanted his uh
601
00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:49,860
Santa list he wanted an Odell Beckham Jr
602
00:26:49,860 --> 00:26:51,960
Jersey wide receiver for the New York
603
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,960
Giants yeah
604
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:57,179
exactly sir I I wasn't quite that
605
00:26:57,179 --> 00:26:58,980
obnoxious
606
00:26:58,980 --> 00:27:00,840
but I see where you're going I like it
607
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:03,960
you're very very passionate
608
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,539
no what I did was I just sat him down
609
00:27:06,539 --> 00:27:09,380
and told him the truth about Santa
610
00:27:09,380 --> 00:27:13,870
that's how I am yeah
611
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:19,730
that he's a Patriots fan
612
00:27:19,740 --> 00:27:21,600
he had to know
613
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,580
no I didn't tell him really that there's
614
00:27:23,580 --> 00:27:25,980
no Santa yeah because you know but
615
00:27:25,980 --> 00:27:28,740
that's coming and I gotta be honest I
616
00:27:28,740 --> 00:27:31,020
kind of can't wait until that happens so
617
00:27:31,020 --> 00:27:33,360
I can get rid of that friggin Elf on the
618
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:36,110
Shelf
619
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:38,580
parents is that not the biggest pain in
620
00:27:38,580 --> 00:27:42,110
the ass
621
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:43,860
now for those you don't know if you're a
622
00:27:43,860 --> 00:27:44,940
little bit older and you didn't deal
623
00:27:44,940 --> 00:27:45,960
with this because it's only been around
624
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:47,580
like 10 years I don't know how long it's
625
00:27:47,580 --> 00:27:48,840
been around but let me tell you what
626
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:52,140
what this whole concept is
627
00:27:52,140 --> 00:27:54,659
because we were fined before without the
628
00:27:54,659 --> 00:27:57,960
Elf on the Shelf we were doing five I
629
00:27:57,960 --> 00:27:59,400
wasn't neglected because there was no
630
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,279
elf in my house
631
00:28:02,279 --> 00:28:03,960
but here's the concept this woman made
632
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,059
like 50 million dollars right
633
00:28:06,059 --> 00:28:07,740
this elf comes with this little book and
634
00:28:07,740 --> 00:28:09,720
the idea is that Santa sends the elf
635
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,580
down at night
636
00:28:11,580 --> 00:28:14,220
and he watches the kids make sure
637
00:28:14,220 --> 00:28:16,020
they're good right not they're not bad
638
00:28:16,020 --> 00:28:18,480
then he reports back up to Santa
639
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:20,220
and then he comes back but every day he
640
00:28:20,220 --> 00:28:22,080
comes back you got to put him in a
641
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,580
different spot
642
00:28:23,580 --> 00:28:25,679
so first of all remember when Santa used
643
00:28:25,679 --> 00:28:27,840
to just know when you were naughty and
644
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:28,919
nice
645
00:28:28,919 --> 00:28:30,720
now Santa doesn't even want to work
646
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:31,760
anymore
647
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,320
and not only does Santa not want to work
648
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,380
but now I have to work I gotta move the
649
00:28:37,380 --> 00:28:44,029
freaking thing for 30 straight days
650
00:28:44,039 --> 00:28:45,779
but that's all he's supposed to do he
651
00:28:45,779 --> 00:28:47,460
watches the kids he goes back he watches
652
00:28:47,460 --> 00:28:49,320
the kids he goes back but some parents
653
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:51,960
because you know I don't know usually
654
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:52,860
it's
655
00:28:52,860 --> 00:28:55,039
parents who have one kid
656
00:28:55,039 --> 00:28:57,419
they got way too much time on their
657
00:28:57,419 --> 00:29:00,370
hands
658
00:29:00,380 --> 00:29:03,059
my kid comes home he's like
659
00:29:03,059 --> 00:29:09,110
Aiden's elf brought a gift
660
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:10,860
that's not in the book what do you mean
661
00:29:10,860 --> 00:29:13,730
he brought a gift
662
00:29:13,740 --> 00:29:15,779
so then I had to think quick you know
663
00:29:15,779 --> 00:29:16,980
what I mean I'm like well maybe it's
664
00:29:16,980 --> 00:29:18,720
because he's an only child he doesn't
665
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:20,279
have a brother maybe Santa feels bad
666
00:29:20,279 --> 00:29:21,659
that he doesn't have a brother my kid's
667
00:29:21,659 --> 00:29:24,840
like I wish I didn't have a brother it's
668
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:30,470
ripping my family apart to stand out
669
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:33,059
now I am all four
670
00:29:33,059 --> 00:29:35,399
the idea of having the kids behave have
671
00:29:35,399 --> 00:29:37,679
a little technique right yeah it teaches
672
00:29:37,679 --> 00:29:38,640
you'd probably want an elf on the shelf
673
00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:39,659
right in the freaking classroom right
674
00:29:39,659 --> 00:29:42,120
whatever it is keep them in line I'm all
675
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,820
for that but this whole moving it all
676
00:29:44,820 --> 00:29:46,679
the time like I want to come up with one
677
00:29:46,679 --> 00:29:49,500
called for Easter called the hair on the
678
00:29:49,500 --> 00:29:51,240
chair it just sits there it doesn't move
679
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:54,059
anywhere it just sits there
680
00:29:54,059 --> 00:29:55,620
okay
681
00:29:55,620 --> 00:29:57,779
it watches them then Easter morning they
682
00:29:57,779 --> 00:30:00,120
get up they all cut one of his feet off
683
00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:01,679
they have a rabbit's foot and they stick
684
00:30:01,679 --> 00:30:02,820
in their pocket and they keep it with
685
00:30:02,820 --> 00:30:04,980
them the whole rest of the year that's a
686
00:30:04,980 --> 00:30:08,100
magic foot you gotta behave that foot
687
00:30:08,100 --> 00:30:14,269
knows what you're doing
688
00:30:14,279 --> 00:30:16,440
because the reality is
689
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:18,539
parents have so much going on it's like
690
00:30:18,539 --> 00:30:20,159
now you've added this whole other thing
691
00:30:20,159 --> 00:30:22,080
that we got to try to remember to do I
692
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:23,640
mean I'm
693
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,440
has any other parent and be honest I
694
00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:26,820
want you to clap as any other parent
695
00:30:26,820 --> 00:30:29,760
ever for the two as the Tooth Fairy you
696
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:31,140
win in and put the money under the
697
00:30:31,140 --> 00:30:36,409
pillow but you forgot to take the tooth
698
00:30:36,419 --> 00:30:39,720
really all of those those parents
699
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:42,539
how is that possible I've done it too
700
00:30:42,539 --> 00:30:48,120
we've got one job money in 2000.
701
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:51,120
how do we screw that up I'll tell you
702
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:52,500
how because we could
703
00:30:52,500 --> 00:30:53,880
things we got to think about for the
704
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:56,760
next freaking day and why are we buying
705
00:30:56,760 --> 00:31:01,970
their teeth back
706
00:31:01,980 --> 00:31:04,679
for seven years I've been taking care of
707
00:31:04,679 --> 00:31:07,080
them make sure he's got the fluoride the
708
00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:09,059
dentist the cleanies the brushing them
709
00:31:09,059 --> 00:31:11,220
said then they fall out then I gotta buy
710
00:31:11,220 --> 00:31:19,190
them back
711
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,360
and I love how the baby teeth
712
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:22,919
are perfect
713
00:31:22,919 --> 00:31:25,080
they're straight
714
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:27,480
they look amazing
715
00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,760
then they all fall out the new one's
716
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:34,669
like yeah
717
00:31:34,679 --> 00:31:38,100
get ready for braces that's eight grand
718
00:31:38,100 --> 00:31:46,630
yeah it's gonna keep coming
719
00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:49,740
and my boy tells me
720
00:31:49,740 --> 00:31:50,760
thank you
721
00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:53,700
but going rate for a tooth is five
722
00:31:53,700 --> 00:31:55,200
dollars
723
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:56,940
five dollars yeah yeah so you know what
724
00:31:56,940 --> 00:32:03,049
I did I took it out of his piggy bank
725
00:32:03,059 --> 00:32:09,590
he's paying for that
726
00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:11,520
I can't wait to see the look on his face
727
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:13,980
when he finds out that there's no Santa
728
00:32:13,980 --> 00:32:24,289
and he was the Tooth Fairy
729
00:32:24,299 --> 00:32:29,029
you mean you you're you're Santa
730
00:32:29,039 --> 00:32:31,200
what about the tooth fairy
731
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:36,049
that was actually you buddy
732
00:32:36,059 --> 00:32:37,679
don't kill me
733
00:32:37,679 --> 00:32:38,790
okay
734
00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:44,820
[Laughter]
735
00:32:44,820 --> 00:32:55,430
funny right
736
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:58,080
but my point is there's always too much
737
00:32:58,080 --> 00:32:59,880
things we have to do and there's new
738
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:01,919
this stuff that never existed 10 or 15
739
00:33:01,919 --> 00:33:04,320
years ago is ridiculous my boys come
740
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:06,120
home in March right one year they come
741
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:07,260
over to March like Daddy really
742
00:33:07,260 --> 00:33:09,419
important we got to build the leprechaun
743
00:33:09,419 --> 00:33:11,279
trap tonight
744
00:33:11,279 --> 00:33:13,919
yeah anybody do the leprechaun trap over
745
00:33:13,919 --> 00:33:16,380
here yeah yeah I'm like a what he's like
746
00:33:16,380 --> 00:33:18,659
a leprechaun drop apparently he tells me
747
00:33:18,659 --> 00:33:21,419
that if we catch a leprechaun he gets to
748
00:33:21,419 --> 00:33:22,679
make a wish
749
00:33:22,679 --> 00:33:25,440
so we're teaching kids you take a
750
00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,360
hostage
751
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:31,789
you get to make a wish
752
00:33:31,799 --> 00:33:35,100
but this is what gets me okay
753
00:33:35,100 --> 00:33:37,140
now all the stuff I've got to get done
754
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,179
now I gotta make a leprechaun trap I
755
00:33:39,179 --> 00:33:40,559
don't know how to make a leprechaun trap
756
00:33:40,559 --> 00:33:41,700
does it look like I know how to make a
757
00:33:41,700 --> 00:33:43,260
leprechaun trap who the hell knows how
758
00:33:43,260 --> 00:33:44,700
to make a leprechaun trap not to mention
759
00:33:44,700 --> 00:33:46,559
the following weekend we've got Easter
760
00:33:46,559 --> 00:33:47,640
coming up so we're already getting ready
761
00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:49,140
for the freaking Easter Bunny right
762
00:33:49,140 --> 00:33:50,460
you've got the Elf on the Shelf you got
763
00:33:50,460 --> 00:33:51,960
Santee get the Tooth Fairy it's like a
764
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:55,789
Halfway House of Lies am I right
765
00:33:55,799 --> 00:33:57,179
it's like we're running bed and
766
00:33:57,179 --> 00:33:58,860
breakfast full of imaginary people that
767
00:33:58,860 --> 00:34:00,659
are never showing up we're always
768
00:34:00,659 --> 00:34:01,799
getting ready for people that aren't
769
00:34:01,799 --> 00:34:03,059
coming no one's coming we're always
770
00:34:03,059 --> 00:34:04,620
getting ready for them
771
00:34:04,620 --> 00:34:11,329
how insane is that
772
00:34:11,339 --> 00:34:12,960
but you know try to do the good thing
773
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:17,089
these kids love these kids to death
774
00:34:17,099 --> 00:34:18,720
wanted to try to make him a leprechaun
775
00:34:18,720 --> 00:34:23,030
trap I go look buddy go online
776
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:25,080
Google Images if you find a trap you
777
00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:26,700
like show me and I'll try to make it
778
00:34:26,700 --> 00:34:29,399
okay yeah did you do the same thing yeah
779
00:34:29,399 --> 00:34:30,960
so
780
00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:32,339
I leave them on there not even five
781
00:34:32,339 --> 00:34:34,139
minutes the bottom right corner of
782
00:34:34,139 --> 00:34:37,159
Google Images there's a topless woman
783
00:34:37,159 --> 00:34:46,490
breasts out wearing a shamrock hat
784
00:34:46,500 --> 00:34:49,980
the boy's like Daddy come here
785
00:34:49,980 --> 00:34:56,210
what kind of trap is that
786
00:34:56,220 --> 00:34:57,780
like that's the kind your daddy fell
787
00:34:57,780 --> 00:35:05,030
into
788
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,020
good
789
00:35:07,020 --> 00:35:08,940
there's no pot of gold at the end of
790
00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:10,140
that
791
00:35:10,140 --> 00:35:16,010
you actually lose a pot of gold
792
00:35:16,020 --> 00:35:19,320
my two kids are not Super Bowl babies
793
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:21,359
anybody's watched the Super Bowl the
794
00:35:21,359 --> 00:35:22,740
last couple years the NFL has this
795
00:35:22,740 --> 00:35:24,119
commercial out called Super Bowl babies
796
00:35:24,119 --> 00:35:26,460
because apparently nine months after the
797
00:35:26,460 --> 00:35:28,380
Super Bowl there's a rise in births so
798
00:35:28,380 --> 00:35:30,119
the NFL put out this commercial going oh
799
00:35:30,119 --> 00:35:31,500
these are all the babies born after
800
00:35:31,500 --> 00:35:33,480
Super Bowl 39 this is how old they are
801
00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:34,680
now and these are all the babies born
802
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:36,480
after Super Bowl 43. this is how old
803
00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:38,099
they are now like the NFL is taking
804
00:35:38,099 --> 00:35:40,079
credit for this
805
00:35:40,079 --> 00:35:42,119
like Mom and Dad are watching the Super
806
00:35:42,119 --> 00:35:46,430
Bowl they get all horny
807
00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:48,960
they go into the bedroom have sex nine
808
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:50,280
months later there's a baby all right do
809
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:52,859
you know what other day happens within a
810
00:35:52,859 --> 00:35:55,700
week of the Super Bowl every year
811
00:35:55,700 --> 00:35:58,560
Valentine's Day exactly I think that's
812
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:02,390
when married guys are hooking up
813
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,320
ladies is there any day of the year
814
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:06,599
where a man is less attractive than
815
00:36:06,599 --> 00:36:10,700
Super Bowl Sunday
816
00:36:10,710 --> 00:36:12,359
[Applause]
817
00:36:12,359 --> 00:36:15,180
ooh beer breath and buffalo farts I
818
00:36:15,180 --> 00:36:17,060
gotta have that oh
819
00:36:17,060 --> 00:36:20,880
you are so hot right now I I can't
820
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:25,310
stay away from you
821
00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:27,240
love the way your belly sticks out under
822
00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:30,480
that replica Jersey I mean
823
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:32,700
you you know you look just like Tom
824
00:36:32,700 --> 00:36:34,619
Brady
825
00:36:34,619 --> 00:36:40,170
yeah with your old deflated balls
826
00:36:40,180 --> 00:36:46,569
[Applause]
827
00:36:46,579 --> 00:36:49,020
all right
828
00:36:49,020 --> 00:36:50,880
thank you
829
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:57,829
had to mention it
830
00:36:57,839 --> 00:37:00,300
I'm just saying
831
00:37:00,300 --> 00:37:02,820
it's not happening on Super Bowl Sunday
832
00:37:02,820 --> 00:37:04,200
if you're married it's probably not
833
00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:08,390
happening on Sunday
834
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:10,980
look it's I got two kids my first one
835
00:37:10,980 --> 00:37:13,560
was uh I was born in September you know
836
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,060
it's nine months before September it's
837
00:37:15,060 --> 00:37:17,160
Christmas my second one was born in
838
00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:18,720
February nine months before February
839
00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:21,480
it's June My birthday it was a Christmas
840
00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:24,960
present and a birthday present
841
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:26,760
[Applause]
842
00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:30,410
Happy Father's Day
843
00:37:30,420 --> 00:37:34,670
here's your mug
844
00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:38,460
that's what we get dads mugs
845
00:37:38,460 --> 00:37:40,320
ties
846
00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:42,119
we get a bad rap guys I'm telling you
847
00:37:42,119 --> 00:37:43,920
right now we do not dads get a bad rep
848
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:46,200
even out in the wilderness
849
00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:48,000
dads get a bad rap if you were out in
850
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:49,079
the woods
851
00:37:49,079 --> 00:37:50,760
and you saw a little baby bear cub
852
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:52,320
you're like oh my gosh look at the
853
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:54,180
little bear cub it's so cute you're like
854
00:37:54,180 --> 00:37:55,619
oh don't get too close who are you
855
00:37:55,619 --> 00:37:57,540
worried about showing up
856
00:37:57,540 --> 00:38:00,540
the mama bear
857
00:38:00,540 --> 00:38:03,839
throwing off with friends apparently he
858
00:38:03,839 --> 00:38:07,859
still can't be around he's a loser
859
00:38:07,859 --> 00:38:11,569
the deadbeat bear
860
00:38:11,579 --> 00:38:13,380
I think maybe he's a stay-at-home bear
861
00:38:13,380 --> 00:38:15,800
he's in the cave
862
00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:20,880
getting stuff ready but no that can't be
863
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:22,740
that's why we get crappy Father's Day
864
00:38:22,740 --> 00:38:24,560
gifts right we get the mugs and the ties
865
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:27,960
Mother's Day they get like Spa brunch
866
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:31,020
the whole day to relax
867
00:38:31,020 --> 00:38:34,550
you earned it
868
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:38,040
you earned it because you gave birth and
869
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:40,680
you carried for nine months and blah
870
00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:46,670
blah blah blah blah look
871
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:48,780
ladies that's not our fault we didn't
872
00:38:48,780 --> 00:38:51,119
make the system
873
00:38:51,119 --> 00:38:52,440
hey look let me just say this when
874
00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:54,060
you're carrying for those nine months
875
00:38:54,060 --> 00:38:57,119
that's no picnic for us
876
00:38:57,119 --> 00:38:59,280
and have you ever seen a baby being born
877
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:03,470
because you're up at the other end
878
00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:05,640
when that head comes out it's about this
879
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,220
big around it's never going to be the
880
00:39:08,220 --> 00:39:12,770
same for us
881
00:39:12,780 --> 00:39:15,300
I tipped the doctor 50 bucks to back it
882
00:39:15,300 --> 00:39:16,740
up and come to the sunroof he's not
883
00:39:16,740 --> 00:39:21,430
fitting out the window
884
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:24,260
yeah
885
00:39:24,260 --> 00:39:33,829
they hooked me up doc
886
00:39:33,839 --> 00:39:35,220
you know there's a new way to pair it
887
00:39:35,220 --> 00:39:36,180
now
888
00:39:36,180 --> 00:39:38,400
as a Kinder gentle way to parent now if
889
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:41,400
you if you tell a kid no and he asks why
890
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,680
you're not supposed to say because I
891
00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:47,099
said so that's why that's bad parenting
892
00:39:47,099 --> 00:39:49,680
oh they've switched it now yeah it's a
893
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:51,359
there's a Kinder gentle way you're
894
00:39:51,359 --> 00:39:53,160
supposed to give them a reason you know
895
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:55,680
so my go-to reason was because it was
896
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:57,960
dangerous you know it's dangerous I
897
00:39:57,960 --> 00:39:58,740
remember as they were getting a little
898
00:39:58,740 --> 00:40:00,599
bit older my one boy wanted some cookies
899
00:40:00,599 --> 00:40:02,700
I'm like you can have two cookies
900
00:40:02,700 --> 00:40:06,230
it's like I'm taking four
901
00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:08,099
I just said you can have two he's like
902
00:40:08,099 --> 00:40:10,380
well I want four I'm taking four I'm
903
00:40:10,380 --> 00:40:12,780
like you're taking two why can't I take
904
00:40:12,780 --> 00:40:17,450
four
905
00:40:17,460 --> 00:40:20,750
it's dangerous
906
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:22,500
he's like how's that dangerous dad
907
00:40:22,500 --> 00:40:24,000
because if you take four I'm gonna
908
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:28,660
freaking hit you
909
00:40:28,670 --> 00:40:30,359
[Applause]
910
00:40:30,359 --> 00:40:32,450
dangerous
911
00:40:32,450 --> 00:40:34,560
[Applause]
912
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:36,839
but look all kidding aside I don't hit
913
00:40:36,839 --> 00:40:38,640
my kids I don't spank my kids they say
914
00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:39,900
you're not supposed to spank your kids
915
00:40:39,900 --> 00:40:41,579
now but they don't say anything about
916
00:40:41,579 --> 00:40:43,619
showing them videos of other kids
917
00:40:43,619 --> 00:40:46,790
getting spanked
918
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:49,140
that works
919
00:40:49,140 --> 00:40:52,560
parents you got to get creative
920
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:53,940
I remember one of my boys wouldn't get
921
00:40:53,940 --> 00:40:55,560
out of the car he's like I'm staying
922
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,359
here I'm like we're home get out of the
923
00:40:57,359 --> 00:41:00,119
car he's like I'm mad I'm staying in the
924
00:41:00,119 --> 00:41:03,540
car I'm like get out of the car no so I
925
00:41:03,540 --> 00:41:04,980
showed him a video of that doctor
926
00:41:04,980 --> 00:41:09,050
getting dragged off that airplane
927
00:41:09,060 --> 00:41:10,200
thank you
928
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:13,670
he got out of the car
929
00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:16,140
[Music]
930
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:18,300
it's a challenge everybody we took him
931
00:41:18,300 --> 00:41:19,500
to Disney
932
00:41:19,500 --> 00:41:21,599
this past year we took him to Disney
933
00:41:21,599 --> 00:41:25,680
and we uh yeah ages seven and nine
934
00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:27,000
and I think that's about as young as
935
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:28,079
they should be there was another family
936
00:41:28,079 --> 00:41:30,000
there and they're like this is our first
937
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:31,619
trip to Disney too I'm like how old are
938
00:41:31,619 --> 00:41:35,270
your kids she's like one and three
939
00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:38,280
one and three
940
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:39,839
and you're taking them to Disney that's
941
00:41:39,839 --> 00:41:44,329
like taking luggage
942
00:41:44,339 --> 00:41:50,770
shits itself thank you
943
00:41:50,780 --> 00:41:53,099
imagine you're standing in line you're
944
00:41:53,099 --> 00:41:54,900
like what's that smell
945
00:41:54,900 --> 00:41:59,329
oh it's the carry-on
946
00:41:59,339 --> 00:42:00,900
I knew we should have left it in the
947
00:42:00,900 --> 00:42:04,370
room
948
00:42:04,380 --> 00:42:05,820
you know my kid's favorite thing at
949
00:42:05,820 --> 00:42:08,339
Disney was because I got the two boys
950
00:42:08,339 --> 00:42:10,200
they like the uh
951
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:12,359
Indiana Jones exhibit
952
00:42:12,359 --> 00:42:14,880
Indiana Jones whole stunt show because
953
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:16,140
you know they're fighting they like the
954
00:42:16,140 --> 00:42:17,460
fighting you know
955
00:42:17,460 --> 00:42:19,560
so we get back home I let them watch the
956
00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:20,820
Indiana Jones movies I don't know if
957
00:42:20,820 --> 00:42:21,900
anyone's watched the Indiana Jones
958
00:42:21,900 --> 00:42:23,160
movies in a while I haven't watched them
959
00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:24,359
in 30 years but I knew I watched them as
960
00:42:24,359 --> 00:42:25,619
a kid so I let them watch him you know I
961
00:42:25,619 --> 00:42:26,520
didn't think anything of it I didn't
962
00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:28,020
watch it with them
963
00:42:28,020 --> 00:42:30,180
does anyone remember who the bad guys
964
00:42:30,180 --> 00:42:32,520
were in the Indiana Jones movies
965
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:34,859
but Nazis exactly I had totally
966
00:42:34,859 --> 00:42:37,140
forgotten cut to that Monday I'm getting
967
00:42:37,140 --> 00:42:38,220
ready to take them back for the first
968
00:42:38,220 --> 00:42:39,720
day back to school he jumps down the
969
00:42:39,720 --> 00:42:45,530
stairs he goes I'm a Nazi
970
00:42:45,540 --> 00:42:47,460
like what the hell did you just say he
971
00:42:47,460 --> 00:42:50,160
goes I'm a Nazi I'm like don't ever say
972
00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:53,030
that again
973
00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:55,200
he's like I can't be a Nazi no you can't
974
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:58,250
be a Nazi
975
00:42:58,260 --> 00:43:01,020
could you imagine if he had gone into
976
00:43:01,020 --> 00:43:03,119
school and I didn't catch him he's going
977
00:43:03,119 --> 00:43:04,680
I'm a Nazi the teachers would have
978
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:07,430
thought it was me
979
00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:09,960
oh yeah that's Joshua his dad's a white
980
00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:12,720
supremacist so you know
981
00:43:12,720 --> 00:43:16,550
heads up
982
00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:19,140
kids have no filter
983
00:43:19,140 --> 00:43:20,760
hey I can't believe it they're
984
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:22,500
embarrassing we went to this new
985
00:43:22,500 --> 00:43:24,060
Japanese restaurant that opened up in my
986
00:43:24,060 --> 00:43:25,619
town
987
00:43:25,619 --> 00:43:27,240
my oldest is looking around he's like
988
00:43:27,240 --> 00:43:28,260
Daddy
989
00:43:28,260 --> 00:43:29,700
how come all the people that work here
990
00:43:29,700 --> 00:43:34,190
are Mexican
991
00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:37,319
like they're Japanese my youngest is
992
00:43:37,319 --> 00:43:40,020
like do they speak Chinese
993
00:43:40,020 --> 00:43:41,520
look you sound like a couple of dumb
994
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:45,230
racists right now
995
00:43:45,240 --> 00:43:46,859
how do they want to be near you I'm
996
00:43:46,859 --> 00:43:48,900
getting my own table I'm not
997
00:43:48,900 --> 00:43:50,460
I'm not getting pulled into your racist
998
00:43:50,460 --> 00:43:57,050
vortex
999
00:43:57,060 --> 00:43:59,099
I told him I go look
1000
00:43:59,099 --> 00:44:00,720
if you want Japanese food you want
1001
00:44:00,720 --> 00:44:02,280
Japanese people cooking it you know what
1002
00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:04,020
I mean Mexican food you want Mexican
1003
00:44:04,020 --> 00:44:05,700
people cooking if you want Chinese food
1004
00:44:05,700 --> 00:44:07,680
you want Chinese people cooking it if
1005
00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:09,540
you want meth you want white people
1006
00:44:09,540 --> 00:44:10,740
cooking it
1007
00:44:10,740 --> 00:44:20,930
foreign
1008
00:44:20,940 --> 00:44:23,040
I don't think you can take a kid to
1009
00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:25,440
Disney at one in three
1010
00:44:25,440 --> 00:44:26,880
I don't think you could take them to a
1011
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:29,220
restaurant at one and three
1012
00:44:29,220 --> 00:44:31,079
right you ever do that it's like you can
1013
00:44:31,079 --> 00:44:32,579
tell right away if a waitress says kids
1014
00:44:32,579 --> 00:44:34,619
by the way I remember I'm sitting there
1015
00:44:34,619 --> 00:44:36,480
I got my two little kids and she's like
1016
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,760
can I start you off with a drink
1017
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:40,380
while you look at the menu and take some
1018
00:44:40,380 --> 00:44:41,640
time and figure out what you want I'm
1019
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:43,079
like do you not see I get two kids here
1020
00:44:43,079 --> 00:44:45,480
under five we're not sipping drinks
1021
00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:48,589
talking about our day
1022
00:44:48,599 --> 00:44:50,579
we're ready to order
1023
00:44:50,579 --> 00:44:52,800
and you can bring the check and to go
1024
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:57,330
boxes
1025
00:44:57,340 --> 00:44:59,160
[Applause]
1026
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:02,040
you can bring some more crayons they ate
1027
00:45:02,040 --> 00:45:03,619
the last batch
1028
00:45:03,619 --> 00:45:07,619
can't wait to change those diapers
1029
00:45:07,619 --> 00:45:08,940
it's gonna get ugly you're about 10
1030
00:45:08,940 --> 00:45:10,980
minutes away from a meltdown
1031
00:45:10,980 --> 00:45:13,859
they haven't had their nap
1032
00:45:13,859 --> 00:45:16,440
right it's all about that nap
1033
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:19,260
they have to get that nap
1034
00:45:19,260 --> 00:45:20,940
the scheduled nap people don't have kids
1035
00:45:20,940 --> 00:45:22,740
if you ever have kids this is the most
1036
00:45:22,740 --> 00:45:24,839
important part of your day is to get
1037
00:45:24,839 --> 00:45:26,460
them that schedule now in fact the worst
1038
00:45:26,460 --> 00:45:28,319
thing that can happen is you're almost
1039
00:45:28,319 --> 00:45:29,819
home you're in the car you're almost
1040
00:45:29,819 --> 00:45:32,280
home to give them the scheduled nap and
1041
00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:35,480
they start dozing off in the back seat
1042
00:45:35,480 --> 00:45:44,450
oh oh I start doing this
1043
00:45:44,460 --> 00:45:48,230
I'm doing brake checks
1044
00:45:48,240 --> 00:45:49,980
I got a little squirt gun I keep between
1045
00:45:49,980 --> 00:45:56,330
the seats
1046
00:45:56,340 --> 00:46:02,210
[Music]
1047
00:46:02,220 --> 00:46:04,560
was like why can't I now because it's
1048
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:08,990
dangerous that's why
1049
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:11,700
you're looking for anything you know
1050
00:46:11,700 --> 00:46:13,619
anything to look you know look out the
1051
00:46:13,619 --> 00:46:15,540
window I mean they need to keep mop
1052
00:46:15,540 --> 00:46:17,099
you know and living up in New Hampshire
1053
00:46:17,099 --> 00:46:18,660
where I live you can see some pretty
1054
00:46:18,660 --> 00:46:20,520
cool stuff on the highway sometimes one
1055
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:22,560
day we were driving and the car that was
1056
00:46:22,560 --> 00:46:24,359
driving alongside us had hit a deer
1057
00:46:24,359 --> 00:46:27,060
earlier in the day so they had tied the
1058
00:46:27,060 --> 00:46:31,550
deer to the roof of the car
1059
00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:33,960
but the car was hauling a mattress as
1060
00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:36,240
well so they just put the deer on top of
1061
00:46:36,240 --> 00:46:39,349
the mattress
1062
00:46:39,359 --> 00:46:41,160
they weren't leaving one of those that's
1063
00:46:41,160 --> 00:46:43,319
bed and breakfast for people out there
1064
00:46:43,319 --> 00:46:48,050
right
1065
00:46:48,060 --> 00:46:51,060
but it was good because my you know
1066
00:46:51,060 --> 00:46:52,619
my kids were in the car and it looked
1067
00:46:52,619 --> 00:46:59,569
like it was sleeping
1068
00:46:59,579 --> 00:47:03,000
boy to see that my boy's like Daddy
1069
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:07,200
is that deer dead I'm like nah buddy
1070
00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:11,510
just taking a nap
1071
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:14,220
why is he bleeding
1072
00:47:14,220 --> 00:47:19,270
probably took four cookies
1073
00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:27,660
[Applause]
1074
00:47:27,660 --> 00:47:35,210
I'm exhausted I tell you I got two kids
1075
00:47:35,220 --> 00:47:37,260
I get pulled into chaperone all the time
1076
00:47:37,260 --> 00:47:39,180
because I'm a stay-at-home dad
1077
00:47:39,180 --> 00:47:41,099
did a chaperone my boy was in
1078
00:47:41,099 --> 00:47:42,359
kindergarten they had the idea to go
1079
00:47:42,359 --> 00:47:43,920
from New Hampshire to the Boston
1080
00:47:43,920 --> 00:47:46,560
Aquarium kindergarten kids taking them
1081
00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:47,579
from New Hampshire to the Boston
1082
00:47:47,579 --> 00:47:48,839
Aquarium
1083
00:47:48,839 --> 00:47:50,520
now first of all it's the most stressful
1084
00:47:50,520 --> 00:47:51,839
thing I've ever done in chaperone you've
1085
00:47:51,839 --> 00:47:53,460
got to watch like 10 kids I didn't see
1086
00:47:53,460 --> 00:47:54,720
one fish because I'm watching the kids
1087
00:47:54,720 --> 00:47:55,980
the whole time right I'm just watching
1088
00:47:55,980 --> 00:47:57,060
these kids I don't want to lose a kid I
1089
00:47:57,060 --> 00:47:59,339
don't want to lose a kid okay
1090
00:47:59,339 --> 00:48:02,280
unbelievable on the way back the bus
1091
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:04,319
breaks down on the highway we're sitting
1092
00:48:04,319 --> 00:48:05,640
on the side of the highway for three
1093
00:48:05,640 --> 00:48:07,020
hours kids got to go to the bathroom
1094
00:48:07,020 --> 00:48:10,800
they're crying they're hungry it was so
1095
00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:13,440
stressful I texted my oldest boys soccer
1096
00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:15,660
coach to say hey we're not going to make
1097
00:48:15,660 --> 00:48:18,960
it back we're broken down on Route 128.
1098
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:22,380
can you take Jack to soccer practice she
1099
00:48:22,380 --> 00:48:24,960
texts me back she says Justin I'm on the
1100
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:28,970
bus with you
1101
00:48:28,980 --> 00:48:30,780
all right
1102
00:48:30,780 --> 00:48:32,700
didn't even know she was there I was
1103
00:48:32,700 --> 00:48:36,050
with her all day
1104
00:48:36,060 --> 00:48:37,859
and The Chaperone you have to go through
1105
00:48:37,859 --> 00:48:39,720
a background check so now I'm thinking
1106
00:48:39,720 --> 00:48:42,119
what crime can I commit where I'm no
1107
00:48:42,119 --> 00:48:46,190
longer eligible
1108
00:48:46,200 --> 00:48:48,240
sorry can't do it
1109
00:48:48,240 --> 00:48:54,710
daddy ran naked down the street
1110
00:48:54,720 --> 00:48:56,940
again in kindergarten my kindergarten I
1111
00:48:56,940 --> 00:48:59,280
went to a a goat farm and he learned how
1112
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:01,500
to milk a goat and he rode the donkey
1113
00:49:01,500 --> 00:49:03,300
then he went into the cheese cave you
1114
00:49:03,300 --> 00:49:05,099
know it's a good father-son bonding
1115
00:49:05,099 --> 00:49:07,560
moment right it was a fun day
1116
00:49:07,560 --> 00:49:10,319
cut to later that night
1117
00:49:10,319 --> 00:49:12,900
he's upstairs with my wife my wife yells
1118
00:49:12,900 --> 00:49:15,960
down to me she's like Justin get up here
1119
00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:17,700
I come running up the stairs I'm like
1120
00:49:17,700 --> 00:49:20,220
what she's like look look Joshua he's
1121
00:49:20,220 --> 00:49:22,260
standing up in the bathtub naked going
1122
00:49:22,260 --> 00:49:24,960
Daddy I'm milking myself I'm milking
1123
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:25,680
myself
1124
00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:27,720
daddy look I'm milking myself I'm
1125
00:49:27,720 --> 00:49:29,940
milking myself where did he learn that
1126
00:49:29,940 --> 00:49:32,760
don't look at me as a the goat farm
1127
00:49:32,760 --> 00:49:34,680
today I didn't know he was gonna bring
1128
00:49:34,680 --> 00:49:37,319
that back here
1129
00:49:37,319 --> 00:49:48,660
wasn't a PG-13 movie it's the goat farm
1130
00:49:48,670 --> 00:49:50,839
[Music]
1131
00:49:50,839 --> 00:49:54,119
and now I gotta tell him you know that
1132
00:49:54,119 --> 00:49:55,920
that that's not appropriate and it's not
1133
00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:58,490
funny
1134
00:49:58,500 --> 00:50:01,380
but it is funny I'm telling you right
1135
00:50:01,380 --> 00:50:03,500
now there's no way if you saw his face
1136
00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:08,030
of what he figured out
1137
00:50:08,040 --> 00:50:10,740
just a Lee in his eyes
1138
00:50:10,740 --> 00:50:11,880
it's like he thought he was a little
1139
00:50:11,880 --> 00:50:13,440
genius he's like I'm milking myself
1140
00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:16,140
Daddy I'm milking it
1141
00:50:16,140 --> 00:50:21,589
he get there he's in kindergarten
1142
00:50:21,599 --> 00:50:23,579
so it is funny and I but I gotta act
1143
00:50:23,579 --> 00:50:25,319
like a dirt
1144
00:50:25,319 --> 00:50:32,329
Joshua
1145
00:50:32,339 --> 00:50:37,849
that is not funny you get
1146
00:50:37,859 --> 00:50:43,190
it is uh I'll be right back
1147
00:50:43,200 --> 00:50:44,640
no
1148
00:50:44,640 --> 00:50:46,740
and now he knows he's got me and once
1149
00:50:46,740 --> 00:50:48,240
they know they've made you laugh
1150
00:50:48,240 --> 00:50:49,980
forget about it cat's out of the bag
1151
00:50:49,980 --> 00:50:51,839
he's now jumps out of the tub he's
1152
00:50:51,839 --> 00:50:52,859
running up and down the hallway I'm
1153
00:50:52,859 --> 00:50:58,790
looking myself Daddy I'm milking myself
1154
00:50:58,800 --> 00:51:00,540
I wanted to tell him look you're not
1155
00:51:00,540 --> 00:51:02,099
going to be laughing when you realize
1156
00:51:02,099 --> 00:51:08,630
how often you're going to be doing that
1157
00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:16,670
that gets unfunny fast
1158
00:51:16,680 --> 00:51:18,240
but that's the difference between boys
1159
00:51:18,240 --> 00:51:19,440
and girls
1160
00:51:19,440 --> 00:51:22,200
see you know learn how to milk a goat
1161
00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:22,980
and they're thinking oh that's where
1162
00:51:22,980 --> 00:51:24,660
milk comes from boys are thinking I'm
1163
00:51:24,660 --> 00:51:27,770
going to try that tonight
1164
00:51:27,780 --> 00:51:33,950
I can't wait for Tubby Time
1165
00:51:33,960 --> 00:51:36,480
mommy can I go first tonight
1166
00:51:36,480 --> 00:51:38,940
can I do tubby
1167
00:51:38,940 --> 00:51:40,920
you know you know what can I be honest I
1168
00:51:40,920 --> 00:51:42,180
was actually happy to see him playing
1169
00:51:42,180 --> 00:51:44,040
with something other than his electronic
1170
00:51:44,040 --> 00:51:47,809
device version
1171
00:51:47,819 --> 00:51:50,160
these electronic devices forget about it
1172
00:51:50,160 --> 00:51:52,319
that they've taken over the world right
1173
00:51:52,319 --> 00:51:53,940
they have that one they're addicted to
1174
00:51:53,940 --> 00:51:55,380
them they have that one week in the
1175
00:51:55,380 --> 00:51:56,940
spring at school where I live called
1176
00:51:56,940 --> 00:51:59,220
unplugged week no screens for a whole
1177
00:51:59,220 --> 00:52:02,280
week yeah it usually coincides with
1178
00:52:02,280 --> 00:52:09,770
first time I spank my kid week
1179
00:52:09,780 --> 00:52:11,880
kids used to come over
1180
00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:13,020
you think they would ask when friends
1181
00:52:13,020 --> 00:52:14,339
came over was where your bathroom was
1182
00:52:14,339 --> 00:52:15,359
now they asked what's your Wi-Fi
1183
00:52:15,359 --> 00:52:16,500
password that's all they care about
1184
00:52:16,500 --> 00:52:18,660
what's your Wi-Fi password and God
1185
00:52:18,660 --> 00:52:19,800
forbid you don't have Wi-Fi you don't
1186
00:52:19,800 --> 00:52:22,140
have Wi-Fi
1187
00:52:22,140 --> 00:52:23,940
I'm like what's my Wi-Fi password it's
1188
00:52:23,940 --> 00:52:25,980
actually it's a all one word all lower
1189
00:52:25,980 --> 00:52:28,880
case uh go outside and play
1190
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:40,549
with a middle finger emoji
1191
00:52:40,559 --> 00:52:42,180
they break them they drop them they
1192
00:52:42,180 --> 00:52:43,440
shatter them right we've got them Shadow
1193
00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:45,420
so I got to get the cases for them right
1194
00:52:45,420 --> 00:52:46,980
and my oldest keeps I got the military
1195
00:52:46,980 --> 00:52:48,540
case it could fall out of a helicopter
1196
00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:50,339
it could go run over by a truck it's
1197
00:52:50,339 --> 00:52:52,680
like a 99 case
1198
00:52:52,680 --> 00:52:54,359
he keeps taking it out of the case I'm
1199
00:52:54,359 --> 00:52:55,800
like Jack put the case on there he's
1200
00:52:55,800 --> 00:52:57,180
like I don't like it with the case well
1201
00:52:57,180 --> 00:52:58,559
you don't have a choice put the case on
1202
00:52:58,559 --> 00:53:00,839
he's like I don't like how it feels I'm
1203
00:53:00,839 --> 00:53:02,700
like well you know what Daddy has to do
1204
00:53:02,700 --> 00:53:03,960
some things too where he doesn't like
1205
00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:06,000
how it feels with the case but he wears
1206
00:53:06,000 --> 00:53:07,220
the case
1207
00:53:07,220 --> 00:53:10,319
all right you don't wear the case bad
1208
00:53:10,319 --> 00:53:21,290
things can happen all right
1209
00:53:21,300 --> 00:53:23,940
my wife's great though
1210
00:53:23,940 --> 00:53:25,740
I've been with her for 22 years and I
1211
00:53:25,740 --> 00:53:27,420
think I speak for every married person
1212
00:53:27,420 --> 00:53:29,280
in this room men and women that when I
1213
00:53:29,280 --> 00:53:34,970
said I do I didn't realize what I did
1214
00:53:34,980 --> 00:53:38,040
right yeah you know
1215
00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:41,099
but we have a very normal marriage we'll
1216
00:53:41,099 --> 00:53:45,290
stand together for the kids
1217
00:53:45,300 --> 00:53:48,180
over here too yeah it's okay yeah hey I
1218
00:53:48,180 --> 00:53:49,500
don't blame look they say if you get
1219
00:53:49,500 --> 00:53:51,119
divorced the kids might think it's their
1220
00:53:51,119 --> 00:53:53,280
fault so I sat my two boys down I'm like
1221
00:53:53,280 --> 00:53:54,839
look guys your mother and I have decided
1222
00:53:54,839 --> 00:53:59,770
to stay together and that's your fault
1223
00:53:59,780 --> 00:54:07,370
[Applause]
1224
00:54:07,380 --> 00:54:11,760
I'm half kidding here's my point
1225
00:54:11,760 --> 00:54:14,220
if my my wife if I didn't have kids
1226
00:54:14,220 --> 00:54:15,660
there's no way my wife's staying with me
1227
00:54:15,660 --> 00:54:18,660
I believe she would be out of there
1228
00:54:18,660 --> 00:54:20,880
she would there's no she oh she's
1229
00:54:20,880 --> 00:54:22,319
already annoyed with me anyone else in a
1230
00:54:22,319 --> 00:54:23,579
relationship she's got like this OCD
1231
00:54:23,579 --> 00:54:25,740
thing where I can't like chew near her
1232
00:54:25,740 --> 00:54:27,720
anyone else in a relationship but you
1233
00:54:27,720 --> 00:54:29,160
can't chew near your spouse she's like
1234
00:54:29,160 --> 00:54:31,859
ah that noise it's driving me crazy I'm
1235
00:54:31,859 --> 00:54:33,720
like watch he's like you're chewing I'm
1236
00:54:33,720 --> 00:54:36,839
like ah I gotta chew I gotta eat
1237
00:54:36,839 --> 00:54:38,280
you know how much weight you lose when
1238
00:54:38,280 --> 00:54:42,290
you can't eat look at me
1239
00:54:42,300 --> 00:54:43,740
how did that happen we were feeding each
1240
00:54:43,740 --> 00:54:45,599
other cake not that long ago
1241
00:54:45,599 --> 00:54:47,339
at the wedding now I can't even Chew in
1242
00:54:47,339 --> 00:54:49,740
the same room
1243
00:54:49,740 --> 00:54:51,780
and one time true story she's in the
1244
00:54:51,780 --> 00:54:53,460
living room by herself I come around to
1245
00:54:53,460 --> 00:54:55,260
my end of the couch I sit down and I bit
1246
00:54:55,260 --> 00:54:57,119
into a potato chip
1247
00:54:57,119 --> 00:55:01,089
okay I was like
1248
00:55:01,099 --> 00:55:06,630
are you kidding me right now
1249
00:55:06,640 --> 00:55:09,960
[Applause]
1250
00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:14,750
you have to do that in here
1251
00:55:14,760 --> 00:55:16,260
I don't know if I have to I thought
1252
00:55:16,260 --> 00:55:18,780
maybe I you know have a chip and watch
1253
00:55:18,780 --> 00:55:22,200
the flat screen once in a while
1254
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:23,760
now when I eat chips you know what I do
1255
00:55:23,760 --> 00:55:25,020
I go down the other end of the house I
1256
00:55:25,020 --> 00:55:27,420
crack a window and I eat the chips
1257
00:55:27,420 --> 00:55:29,370
at the open window
1258
00:55:29,370 --> 00:55:31,200
[Applause]
1259
00:55:31,200 --> 00:55:33,180
my neighbor's like Justin do you smoke
1260
00:55:33,180 --> 00:55:35,819
cigarettes I'm like oh no when I eat
1261
00:55:35,819 --> 00:55:38,339
chips I open the window so the sound
1262
00:55:38,339 --> 00:55:40,980
goes out onto the porch my wife likes
1263
00:55:40,980 --> 00:55:48,589
that she really appreciates it
1264
00:55:48,599 --> 00:55:50,460
she's got this thing about the shoes off
1265
00:55:50,460 --> 00:55:52,200
right you gotta have all the kids all of
1266
00:55:52,200 --> 00:55:53,520
us we can't have our shoes on in the
1267
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:55,680
house which I'm fine with okay but
1268
00:55:55,680 --> 00:55:58,380
this is her one day she's like
1269
00:55:58,380 --> 00:56:00,480
I'm so aggravated right now I'm like
1270
00:56:00,480 --> 00:56:02,760
what she's like all the shoes by the
1271
00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:06,349
door
1272
00:56:06,359 --> 00:56:08,579
like you want us to take our shoes off
1273
00:56:08,579 --> 00:56:11,579
we come in the door we have to set the
1274
00:56:11,579 --> 00:56:13,559
shoes by the door do you want to make us
1275
00:56:13,559 --> 00:56:15,240
shoe holsters we'll wear them on our
1276
00:56:15,240 --> 00:56:19,319
hips what do you want us to do
1277
00:56:19,319 --> 00:56:21,000
want my friend to come over I'm like
1278
00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:22,319
yeah put this on he's like what's that I
1279
00:56:22,319 --> 00:56:23,640
go to shoe hole so hurry up get your
1280
00:56:23,640 --> 00:56:27,470
boots Put a boot in each side
1281
00:56:27,480 --> 00:56:29,099
it's my wife she's like but she's not
1282
00:56:29,099 --> 00:56:30,839
even home she'll know
1283
00:56:30,839 --> 00:56:47,990
foreign
1284
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:52,079
I'm like take my shoes off
1285
00:56:52,079 --> 00:56:53,640
your carpet looks like an everything
1286
00:56:53,640 --> 00:56:56,569
bagel
1287
00:56:56,579 --> 00:57:00,180
I'm gonna track stuff out of here
1288
00:57:00,180 --> 00:57:02,280
I'm gonna take my shoes off before I get
1289
00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:04,020
back in my car
1290
00:57:04,020 --> 00:57:07,260
put them in my trunk and then hose them
1291
00:57:07,260 --> 00:57:08,400
off
1292
00:57:08,400 --> 00:57:10,200
when I get home and tell my wife I
1293
00:57:10,200 --> 00:57:17,630
watered the flowers
1294
00:57:17,640 --> 00:57:20,579
but as parents Man kids age us right
1295
00:57:20,579 --> 00:57:22,619
my wife is you know not doing as good as
1296
00:57:22,619 --> 00:57:24,839
me with it as far as let me let me
1297
00:57:24,839 --> 00:57:27,059
rephrase that
1298
00:57:27,059 --> 00:57:29,940
she's not handling it as well that's how
1299
00:57:29,940 --> 00:57:30,780
I meant to say
1300
00:57:30,780 --> 00:57:33,780
she's not hand in it as well
1301
00:57:33,780 --> 00:57:37,020
I'm falling apart but here's my thing
1302
00:57:37,020 --> 00:57:39,720
she's into all these uh anti-wrinkle
1303
00:57:39,720 --> 00:57:41,940
creams and serums and I go in the
1304
00:57:41,940 --> 00:57:43,260
bathroom one day and I'm just looking at
1305
00:57:43,260 --> 00:57:45,119
all this new stuff it's got It's all
1306
00:57:45,119 --> 00:57:46,980
made with like food it's got potatoes
1307
00:57:46,980 --> 00:57:49,980
and carrots and rosemary and it says
1308
00:57:49,980 --> 00:57:51,780
gluten free on all of it I'm like what
1309
00:57:51,780 --> 00:57:53,819
is this stuff like is this food can you
1310
00:57:53,819 --> 00:57:55,440
eat it just like you could but I put it
1311
00:57:55,440 --> 00:57:57,480
on my face
1312
00:57:57,480 --> 00:57:59,220
you better hope you don't die alone with
1313
00:57:59,220 --> 00:58:00,780
the dogs they're gonna eat your face I
1314
00:58:00,780 --> 00:58:03,000
mean that's you're like a pot roast on a
1315
00:58:03,000 --> 00:58:10,130
pillow with that stuff on
1316
00:58:10,140 --> 00:58:12,359
but this stuff isn't cheap it's like a
1317
00:58:12,359 --> 00:58:13,640
little thing like this of this
1318
00:58:13,640 --> 00:58:16,619
anti-wrinkle serum it's like 80 bucks
1319
00:58:16,619 --> 00:58:19,380
my wife is 46 years old do you have any
1320
00:58:19,380 --> 00:58:21,420
idea the amount of money we spend to
1321
00:58:21,420 --> 00:58:28,190
make her look 45.
1322
00:58:28,200 --> 00:58:30,660
can't we just dim the lights
1323
00:58:30,660 --> 00:58:34,849
right we'll save on the electricity too
1324
00:58:34,859 --> 00:58:36,960
I got a friend people that don't have
1325
00:58:36,960 --> 00:58:39,480
kids yet I gotta I got a friend that's
1326
00:58:39,480 --> 00:58:41,339
married six months he's got no kids yet
1327
00:58:41,339 --> 00:58:42,839
out of the blue he just asks me right
1328
00:58:42,839 --> 00:58:45,599
he's like is there a song that you and
1329
00:58:45,599 --> 00:58:47,160
your wife like to listen to when you're
1330
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:54,859
banging
1331
00:58:54,859 --> 00:58:57,720
I'm with my wife for 22 years I wouldn't
1332
00:58:57,720 --> 00:58:59,760
call it banging
1333
00:58:59,760 --> 00:59:02,099
it's not a lot of banging going on I
1334
00:59:02,099 --> 00:59:03,180
don't think that's the right word maybe
1335
00:59:03,180 --> 00:59:08,690
some leaning
1336
00:59:08,700 --> 00:59:12,299
I'm just saying last time we made love
1337
00:59:12,299 --> 00:59:13,380
it looked like we were doing the
1338
00:59:13,380 --> 00:59:21,710
mannequin challenge
1339
00:59:21,720 --> 00:59:23,520
but I'm like is there a song no there's
1340
00:59:23,520 --> 00:59:26,160
not a song we got two little kids we
1341
00:59:26,160 --> 00:59:27,960
can't have music playing
1342
00:59:27,960 --> 00:59:29,640
we have to hear if they get up and walk
1343
00:59:29,640 --> 00:59:32,220
towards the bedroom
1344
00:59:32,220 --> 00:59:34,140
I gotta lay stuff out in the hallway to
1345
00:59:34,140 --> 00:59:37,569
trip them
1346
00:59:37,579 --> 00:59:40,260
I throw Legos down on the floor so they
1347
00:59:40,260 --> 00:59:41,700
know what it feels like to step on a
1348
00:59:41,700 --> 00:59:43,380
Lego with a barefoot
1349
00:59:43,380 --> 00:59:45,900
they're like ah I'm like yeah that hurts
1350
00:59:45,900 --> 00:59:50,750
doesn't it pick those up
1351
00:59:50,760 --> 00:59:52,920
Barefoot on a Lego that'll take down a
1352
00:59:52,920 --> 00:59:55,200
Navy SEAL
1353
00:59:55,200 --> 00:59:57,000
I don't care how tough you think you are
1354
00:59:57,000 --> 00:59:58,559
you step on a Lego with a bare foot
1355
00:59:58,559 --> 01:00:04,930
you're going down
1356
01:00:04,940 --> 01:00:07,799
I will share this with you moment with
1357
01:00:07,799 --> 01:00:10,260
my wife and I in our bedroom one night
1358
01:00:10,260 --> 01:00:11,940
I'm laying in bed and I got my you know
1359
01:00:11,940 --> 01:00:13,680
I got my back to my wife you know she's
1360
01:00:13,680 --> 01:00:16,140
over here I close my eyes right all of a
1361
01:00:16,140 --> 01:00:17,579
sudden my wife
1362
01:00:17,579 --> 01:00:20,339
starts rubbing my leg and I'm thinking
1363
01:00:20,339 --> 01:00:29,289
this is a weeknight
1364
01:00:29,299 --> 01:00:35,390
this makes no sense at all I'm like
1365
01:00:35,400 --> 01:00:36,780
but then I'm thinking maybe one of her
1366
01:00:36,780 --> 01:00:39,180
friends sent her an article
1367
01:00:39,180 --> 01:00:41,880
you know a link online you know but I
1368
01:00:41,880 --> 01:00:44,760
gotta spice it up keep it spontaneous
1369
01:00:44,760 --> 01:00:47,819
keep them guessing keep it fresh but I'm
1370
01:00:47,819 --> 01:00:49,260
thinking you know what what do I care
1371
01:00:49,260 --> 01:00:51,960
all right Pete the Cat is getting up to
1372
01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:55,470
bat
1373
01:00:55,480 --> 01:00:58,740
[Applause]
1374
01:00:58,740 --> 01:01:01,140
yeah
1375
01:01:01,140 --> 01:01:04,319
so I turn around to be like hey she goes
1376
01:01:04,319 --> 01:01:08,809
I thought you were the dog
1377
01:01:08,819 --> 01:01:14,710
Pete strikes out again
1378
01:01:14,720 --> 01:01:18,240
but I was not sad because I tried my
1379
01:01:18,240 --> 01:01:20,750
best
1380
01:01:20,760 --> 01:01:24,530
you guys are awesome
1381
01:01:24,540 --> 01:01:57,140
[Applause]
1382
01:01:57,150 --> 01:01:59,280
[Music]
1383
01:01:59,280 --> 01:01:59,690
foreign
1384
01:01:59,690 --> 01:02:05,880
[Music]
1385
01:02:05,880 --> 01:02:10,809
[Applause]
1386
01:02:10,819 --> 01:02:13,799
because I said so that's why we are
1387
01:02:13,799 --> 01:02:15,059
right on that sound by the way guys
1388
01:02:15,059 --> 01:02:17,280
everybody just heard that cut out are we
1389
01:02:17,280 --> 01:02:19,980
all right guys no I mean on the crew
1390
01:02:19,980 --> 01:02:24,619
will be good I know I know you guys
1391
01:02:24,619 --> 01:02:27,920
we see your lips
1392
01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:30,319
we just happen to be away from the kids
1393
01:02:30,319 --> 01:02:33,059
so you do whatever we don't need any of
1394
01:02:33,059 --> 01:02:36,010
this
1395
01:02:36,020 --> 01:02:38,460
kill these lights if you want I don't
1396
01:02:38,460 --> 01:02:41,819
even know why you put them up there92432
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