Original subtitles

would you please welcome Mr Justin

McKinney

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

thank you wow

thank you you seem uh really excited

tonight really excited

and for some of you I don't know if it's

because of me or because you're just

happy to be watching something other

than your children tonight

I nailed that yeah

I uh I have two kids I have a second

grader and a fourth grader and let me

just find out now how many people have

kids clap if you have kids clap if you

have kids

and how many of you want more

exactly

seemed like a good idea at the time

right

it's a lot of work it's very stressful

people don't have kids yet you don't

understand it's like when they were both

in diapers that was very stressful

because I was a stay-at-home dad yeah

well my kids didn't stay home they went

to daycare but I stayed home

[Applause]

and that was very stressful knowing at

the end of the day they'd be back

friends were like hey enjoy this stage

it's going to be over before you know it

don't blink I'm walking around blinking

oh my God like this can't end fast

enough what are you talking about

I couldn't wait to get them into

kindergarten

but as parents you're always learning I

don't know what I'm doing half the time

I'm always learning like I didn't

realize when they scared kindergarten

before they started school you got to go

to this orientation like two months

before where they ask you questions like

so where is your child at academically

uh the beginning

they supposed to be doing something

these last few years

I thought I'd bring them to you you take

it from here

[Applause]

I've just been waiting for the free

daycare to kick in

foreign

yeah if you don't have kids get ready

for that daycare I had no idea how

expensive it was

right we found this non-profit daycare

it was called non-profit

when my two kids are going it was 25

Grand a year

how is nobody making a profit

did you mean profit with a pH

no profits are there all right all right

why does he need a profit all right yeah

sounds like a good idea to me I don't

want to you know

supposedly there's no one's making a

profit and then I'm like what's going on

down there so I went down there I go to

pick my kid up right first week to like

uh they're like Jack really liked the

smoked salmon we had today

Diddy

did he like the smoked salmon I didn't

have albacore tuna in a can until I was

27 years old

candy have a fish stick like a normal

kid

you like the smoked salmon did you

cleanse his palate first with some

sorbet would you go right to the smoked

salmon from the Goldfish I packed them

foreign

smoked salmon

then they had yoga in there they had

yoga yeah because you know kids are

stressed

this says it all right they say to me

one day they go yeah this Friday just so

you know we got the petting zoo coming

here

I'm like the petting Zoo's coming here

they're like yeah it's easier

what does that say

about how difficult kids are

that it is easier to pack up the Sheep

the goats the llamas the alpacas the

donkeys the ponies

the pigs

put them all in a truck

ship them over there set up all the

cages

ship them all out is easier than getting

these little shits to put their shoes on

their coach and get out the friggin door

all right

I mean hey everyone uh sorry to cut in

but I had to ask

is it just me or can anyone else see a

group of four-year-olds and tell which

kid is probably gonna end up in prison

all right

my kid's knock on wood currently are not

in prison but I worry about them because

they watch these YouTube stars who go

into Walmart and they screw with people

and they almost get arrested and I tell

my kids these are not role models and

they're like what do you mean dad

they're they're successful they've got

more YouTube subscribers than you

all right that's where you come in and I

have a favor please like this video And

subscribe and follow me so I can shut

these kids up super easy it's three

clicks it's a heck of a lot easier than

getting your kids to appreciate all the

crap you do for them am I right all

right thanks again everyone I hope you

enjoy the rest of the special I mean

what is that costing

let's do that

they probably would have been fine if

they didn't have the petting zoo they

got stuffed animals can't they pet those

I mean do we have to be

he's gonna get older I'm like sorry

buddy I don't have more money to help

you with college but I can still picture

you eating that smoked salmon like it

was yesterday

remember Pat in the goat

you go get your daycare yearbook will

reminisce

yeah this daycare had a yearbook I'm not

making that up

I come in like we're taking pictures

Tuesday for our yearbook I'm like

yearbook

you're gonna have superlatives in this

yearbook

most likely to have a BM before nap time

parents know what a BM is right yeah if

you don't have kids you might not know I

didn't know

it's a bowel movement

look you're explaining it to him right

now it's a bowel movement

right I was like you sir

I thought it was food

I go in there like Jack had two BMS

today I'm like did he like them

so you like them more than the smoked

salmon

maybe I should take a beer

BF think excuse me I'm like I should

take a BM in some smoked salmon I mean

I'm paying 25 grand for this

but financially

you're smart

you get two and that's it stop because

if you have three that 25 Grand a year

becomes 37 000 a year right it adds up

I've Got Friends that like so are you

guys gonna have more I'm like no

you wouldn't want another

definitely not you you won a third I'm

like put it this way my wife had her

tubes tied and I got a vasectomy

and I wear a condom

and I pull out

[Applause]

we can't take any chances

it's expensive do you know that they say

that one kid costs 250 Grand from time

birth until he moves out 250 000 bucks

and you don't get any of that back

kids are a bad investment

talk about depreciation

foreign right

they say a car is a bad investment once

you drive it off the lot you start

losing money once you drive that kid off

the lot at the hospital

you start losing money

tens of thousands every year

for about 16 years then they start

driving that car that you've been losing

money on

and then you die whatever you got left

they get that too do I get anything back

on this investment are there any

benefits

people don't have kids yet just have to

be aware

all right someone needs to tell you

because it hits you hey you just don't

you don't realize it

birth control is back in the news again

they're all about whether or not they

should be given free birth control to

people who can't afford it let me just

say this if you can't afford birth

control

you can't afford a kid

okay

you want to get laid I'll pay for it

so I think one of the biggest problems

we have in this country is too many

people having kids that shouldn't have

kids

right there's too many people

I mean everyone do what you can man you

know guys wear a condom

guys if you don't want to wear a condom

just wear Crocs

with socks

that'll keep you out of the game for a

little while that'll

that'll happen

women the birth control pill hey I'm all

for it a lot of people get fired up

about the birth control pill Rush

Limbaugh called that woman a

because she took a birth control pill I

don't think you can call a woman that

takes the birth control pill a I

think you can call a woman that takes

the morning after pill a procrastinator

oh

look I'm just saying

some women should be on that morning

after pill daily dose you know what I'm

talking about put it right in the coffee

the morning after blend but whatever you

got to do look some people you get too

many kids you should have kids did you

hear about the woman just this past

Wednesday that left her three-year-old

in the corn maze

you heard about this it just happened

Wednesday left the three-year-old in the

corn maze didn't notice he was missing

until the next day

even in prison they do a head count at

the end of the night

they found the boy and he's all safe and

everything and you know an officer you

know found the boy and put him put him

in the cruiser and showed him a movie

the movie that he showed the boy I'm not

lying Finding Dory

nothing like keeping his mind off the

situation

show him Annie

his orphanages aren't that bad I mean

she had a good time a lot of dancing and

singing going on in there so we don't

find your parents

show them Children of the Corn

[Applause]

so he's safe and uh

I think they're going to be reuniting

them back together but uh you know she's

hoping that she gets him back before

Halloween because she really wants to

take him to a haunted house and uh

sure he uh

you always think of the all this stuff

costs money when you have kids you know

what I mean my kids wanted me to take

them to a corn maze so I Googled corn

maze but I accidentally typed in a p

instead of a c

it took me 45 minutes to get out of

there I

I got lost and uh

ended up running out of time and we

couldn't go to the corn maze so I saved

a few bucks so it worked out in the end

because let's get that 250 Grand down to

like 200 Grand is that too much to ask

I'd like to shave 100 Grand off my kids

right so I'm always thinking of ways you

know sad story around uh where I lived

last year a a whale washed up and uh on

the beach it washed up on shore it died

it was sitting on the beach for you know

like a day and uh it was a sad story but

it worked out good for me because my

kids had been asking me to take them on

a whale watch for a year

[Laughter]

anybody else go check it out it was

yeah I'm like come on kids we're going

on that whale watch yay you're the best

daddy I know

[Laughter]

he's like do you think we'll see a whale

I'm like I bet you five bucks we do

won that bet you know

down to 249 995 bucks see you just gotta

be creative

just gotta think

you gotta worry about all kinds of

things being a parent now

and I know some of you some of you might

not have kids and you might never have

kids there's nothing wrong with it

because let me tell you another

something that's getting a little more

popular now that you're hearing more and

more kids killing their parents

Oh yeah talk about buyer's remorse

that moment What's going

to killing you are you kidding me right

now

all the I've been through

you're killing me

all the no sleep practices the games the

rides the you're killing me

can you imagine if you did in vitro it's

like you hired your own Hitman foreign

[Applause]

the chances of you being killed by your

kids if you don't have kids goes way

down

I don't want that to happen I'm doing

all the right things you know

spending the time you got to spend the

time with the kids love them to death

gotta spend the time with them

my first grader was reading me a book

I don't know if you've ever had a first

grade to read you a book

tough to sit through

he was reading me Pete the Cat

gets up to bat familiar with this book

Pete the Cat gets up the bat okay now

this is basically the book okay this is

him reading to me now right he's like

Pete gets up to bat strike one

strike two

freaking strike he just said it twice

man Focus

who the hell is that it's like you just

read it they'll do that they'll read a

word twice in the third time they know

they don't they can't get there I'm like

come on

this book's gonna take an hour you're

dropping out on that

so

excuse me

strike three Pete strikes out but he was

not sad he tried his best

Pete is in the field he drops the ball

but he was not sad he tried his best

[Laughter]

keep going

Pete tries to score he gets thrown out

at home play but he is not sad he tried

his best I think my kid I said Josh the

this book should be called Pete sucks

foreign

this book should be Pete the Cat on the

bench he sat until he gets his head in

the game

I'm sorry but Pete should knock at a

trophy

[Applause]

you know what the saddest part is you

know that his parents

okay

probably had to drive an hour

and find some field out in the woods to

watch this debacle because he was on the

Travel team

ah

how annoying is the travel team

when you're in first grade

because when your kid is on the Travel

team you're on the Travel team you are

The Traveler

my kid in first grade right I Funny he's

on the travel soccer team I'm like the

travel Socrates he misses the ball every

other kick

he's gotta leave town for that

we have to let all the other towns know

how bad he sucks at soccer

right let's keep that local we don't

need all that

surrounding towns knowing

and the games I gotta tell you

the games were Sunday at two o'clock in

the afternoon what happened Sunday at

two o'clock in the afternoon football

exactly

so I talked him into quitting

all right

[Applause]

like buddy you gotta quit

you should quit

but Daddy I thought you said quitters

never win well you know what they never

lose either I mean

break and even that's okay and we leave

now we get back by halftime

that's a win

these Sports man and I feel bad for

hockey parents we have any hockey

parents out there

[Music]

not many of you

yeah well there's that's a commitment

right it's like you're up at four in the

morning five in the morning the the the

the equipment costs a fortune you're

gonna travel out of state sometimes it's

up to Canada I mean my kids wanted to

play hockey but unfortunately they've

got that ice allergy

or it's very rare

it's only two cases in the entire

country and what are the odds a little

cluster right at the end of my street

break guys

whole different time now than when I

grew up you know it's all different

rights gentler a little softer right my

two boys were fighting on the couch one

day right and they're I go in there I go

what's going on in here you know

my second grader says you know to the

fourth grader he's like Jack called me a

name I'm like Josh I'm like you just

tell him that sticks and stones can

break my bones but names will never hurt

me

they both go that's not what it is

like what do you mean that's not what it

is like that's not the saying

like what's the saying they're like it's

Sticks and Stones can break your bones

and names can really hurt me

oh my God

yeah I'm like who told you that you buck

tooth

what

team hurt you

they're gonna be tough the world's

dangerous out there we're gonna know a

name get over it

mean

did you know they tweaked it I didn't

know they changed it they updated it

well you can't look

you can't let a name bother you we've

got Kim Jong-un

with nuclear weapons over there on the

other side of the world calling us names

Trump's calling him names they're acting

like a couple of school kids we gotta

update it for them but get sticks and

stones it's nukes and drones can

disintegrate my bones

but names will never hurt me

I don't want world war three starting

because they get all mad oh it's a name

[Applause]

it's hard being a parent now and I gotta

be honest everything going on the world

I don't know if I would have brought my

two kids into this world if I knew

they'd be threat of nuclear war or

terrorism opioid epidemic so many

freaking snow days

foreign

do you know how many snow days there'd

be before you had kids you don't realize

how many there are until you have kids

the worst two words a kid can yell at

seven in the morning are snow and day

well maybe I'm pregnant but I got two

boys so

I'm all right with that

you know who likes snow days teachers

oh we got some over here oh yeah

I don't blame you

that teach a workshop who you kidding

that's a mental health day

[Applause]

and I get it

we had a stretch last year where

six days in a row we had either full no

school days or two hour delay days six

days in a row there was something

and the two hour delay first of all in

my town

they robocall us at 5am

they wake us up two hours early that's

two hours plus another two that's four

hours you got to spend with your

freaking kids

I hope you got an iPad

we better get the pot of coffee going

this day's gonna suck

they're gonna be tired all day

all day right then the next day we had a

no school day like oh you got to be

kidding me

right next day you had another two hour

delay day so you're like all right you

wrap your head around I can handle two

hours I'll get them off to school but

sometimes the two-hour delay

turns into a full no school day

I think it's all the teachers calling up

going I I slid right off the road we

can't have school I'm on my way in we

can't do it I'm in a ditch

no score

here's my question how come it has to go

from a two-hour delay to a full no

school day how come we can't have a four

hour delay option how about that I'd

take it or a six hour delay

if you take my kids from two to three

for one hour I'll take it I just want to

sit in my car and shut my eyes and

listen to my radio for one hour

and I loved it

I love when we have a really bad storm

it's like a blizzard and state of

emergency

news has to list all the school

cancellations

and they list every one of them

alphabetical one at a time

how about just putting the school that's

still open today how about that

[Applause]

so is there a home school that's still

firing it up today

and God forbid you live in a town where

it's a w or a y you have to wait 45

minutes before it gets to the W's and

the Y's you go in to take a piss you

come back you're like they're on

the A's

[Applause]

snow days cost us money right if you get

whether it's work or when we have a long

brutal winter this is what people that

don't live in New England don't

understand if we have a long brutal

winter that costs all of us more money

whether you're heating your home the

plow guy gasp for the snow blower that's

why people that don't live up here don't

understand like how come people in New

England are always watching the weather

all the time why because that's the

stock market for poor people

want to know if we're making money or

we're losing money today you know why we

like 70 degrees because it's free we're

not running the heat we're not running

the AC we're breaking even today

and that's a good day

Winters are expensive

in New England especially when you

got the you got kids you got the

Patriots you got to keep buying

championship gear every freaking year

right

I'm just saying a Jet's dad that dude

hasn't bought a shirt in 50 years

[Applause]

jealous

guys shave it up

it's not bad enough that we gotta you

know

by the Patriot stuff then like this

happened my oldest

he's nine years old he wanted his uh

Santa list he wanted an Odell Beckham Jr

Jersey wide receiver for the New York

Giants yeah

exactly sir I I wasn't quite that

obnoxious

but I see where you're going I like it

you're very very passionate

no what I did was I just sat him down

and told him the truth about Santa

that's how I am yeah

that he's a Patriots fan

he had to know

no I didn't tell him really that there's

no Santa yeah because you know but

that's coming and I gotta be honest I

kind of can't wait until that happens so

I can get rid of that friggin Elf on the

Shelf

parents is that not the biggest pain in

the ass

now for those you don't know if you're a

little bit older and you didn't deal

with this because it's only been around

like 10 years I don't know how long it's

been around but let me tell you what

what this whole concept is

because we were fined before without the

Elf on the Shelf we were doing five I

wasn't neglected because there was no

elf in my house

but here's the concept this woman made

like 50 million dollars right

this elf comes with this little book and

the idea is that Santa sends the elf

down at night

and he watches the kids make sure

they're good right not they're not bad

then he reports back up to Santa

and then he comes back but every day he

comes back you got to put him in a

different spot

so first of all remember when Santa used

to just know when you were naughty and

nice

now Santa doesn't even want to work

anymore

and not only does Santa not want to work

but now I have to work I gotta move the

freaking thing for 30 straight days

but that's all he's supposed to do he

watches the kids he goes back he watches

the kids he goes back but some parents

because you know I don't know usually

it's

parents who have one kid

they got way too much time on their

hands

my kid comes home he's like

Aiden's elf brought a gift

that's not in the book what do you mean

he brought a gift

so then I had to think quick you know

what I mean I'm like well maybe it's

because he's an only child he doesn't

have a brother maybe Santa feels bad

that he doesn't have a brother my kid's

like I wish I didn't have a brother it's

ripping my family apart to stand out

now I am all four

the idea of having the kids behave have

a little technique right yeah it teaches

you'd probably want an elf on the shelf

right in the freaking classroom right

whatever it is keep them in line I'm all

for that but this whole moving it all

the time like I want to come up with one

called for Easter called the hair on the

chair it just sits there it doesn't move

anywhere it just sits there

okay

it watches them then Easter morning they

get up they all cut one of his feet off

they have a rabbit's foot and they stick

in their pocket and they keep it with

them the whole rest of the year that's a

magic foot you gotta behave that foot

knows what you're doing

because the reality is

parents have so much going on it's like

now you've added this whole other thing

that we got to try to remember to do I

mean I'm

has any other parent and be honest I

want you to clap as any other parent

ever for the two as the Tooth Fairy you

win in and put the money under the

pillow but you forgot to take the tooth

really all of those those parents

how is that possible I've done it too

we've got one job money in 2000.

how do we screw that up I'll tell you

how because we could

things we got to think about for the

next freaking day and why are we buying

their teeth back

for seven years I've been taking care of

them make sure he's got the fluoride the

dentist the cleanies the brushing them

said then they fall out then I gotta buy

them back

and I love how the baby teeth

are perfect

they're straight

they look amazing

then they all fall out the new one's

like yeah

get ready for braces that's eight grand

yeah it's gonna keep coming

and my boy tells me

thank you

but going rate for a tooth is five

dollars

five dollars yeah yeah so you know what

I did I took it out of his piggy bank

he's paying for that

I can't wait to see the look on his face

when he finds out that there's no Santa

and he was the Tooth Fairy

you mean you you're you're Santa

what about the tooth fairy

that was actually you buddy

don't kill me

okay

[Laughter]

funny right

but my point is there's always too much

things we have to do and there's new

this stuff that never existed 10 or 15

years ago is ridiculous my boys come

home in March right one year they come

over to March like Daddy really

important we got to build the leprechaun

trap tonight

yeah anybody do the leprechaun trap over

here yeah yeah I'm like a what he's like

a leprechaun drop apparently he tells me

that if we catch a leprechaun he gets to

make a wish

so we're teaching kids you take a

hostage

you get to make a wish

but this is what gets me okay

now all the stuff I've got to get done

now I gotta make a leprechaun trap I

don't know how to make a leprechaun trap

does it look like I know how to make a

leprechaun trap who the hell knows how

to make a leprechaun trap not to mention

the following weekend we've got Easter

coming up so we're already getting ready

for the freaking Easter Bunny right

you've got the Elf on the Shelf you got

Santee get the Tooth Fairy it's like a

Halfway House of Lies am I right

it's like we're running bed and

breakfast full of imaginary people that

are never showing up we're always

getting ready for people that aren't

coming no one's coming we're always

getting ready for them

how insane is that

but you know try to do the good thing

these kids love these kids to death

wanted to try to make him a leprechaun

trap I go look buddy go online

Google Images if you find a trap you

like show me and I'll try to make it

okay yeah did you do the same thing yeah

so

I leave them on there not even five

minutes the bottom right corner of

Google Images there's a topless woman

breasts out wearing a shamrock hat

the boy's like Daddy come here

what kind of trap is that

like that's the kind your daddy fell

into

good

there's no pot of gold at the end of

that

you actually lose a pot of gold

my two kids are not Super Bowl babies

anybody's watched the Super Bowl the

last couple years the NFL has this

commercial out called Super Bowl babies

because apparently nine months after the

Super Bowl there's a rise in births so

the NFL put out this commercial going oh

these are all the babies born after

Super Bowl 39 this is how old they are

now and these are all the babies born

after Super Bowl 43. this is how old

they are now like the NFL is taking

credit for this

like Mom and Dad are watching the Super

Bowl they get all horny

they go into the bedroom have sex nine

months later there's a baby all right do

you know what other day happens within a

week of the Super Bowl every year

Valentine's Day exactly I think that's

when married guys are hooking up

ladies is there any day of the year

where a man is less attractive than

Super Bowl Sunday

[Applause]

ooh beer breath and buffalo farts I

gotta have that oh

you are so hot right now I I can't

stay away from you

love the way your belly sticks out under

that replica Jersey I mean

you you know you look just like Tom

Brady

yeah with your old deflated balls

[Applause]

all right

thank you

had to mention it

I'm just saying

it's not happening on Super Bowl Sunday

if you're married it's probably not

happening on Sunday

look it's I got two kids my first one

was uh I was born in September you know

it's nine months before September it's

Christmas my second one was born in

February nine months before February

it's June My birthday it was a Christmas

present and a birthday present

[Applause]

Happy Father's Day

here's your mug

that's what we get dads mugs

ties

we get a bad rap guys I'm telling you

right now we do not dads get a bad rep

even out in the wilderness

dads get a bad rap if you were out in

the woods

and you saw a little baby bear cub

you're like oh my gosh look at the

little bear cub it's so cute you're like

oh don't get too close who are you

worried about showing up

the mama bear

throwing off with friends apparently he

still can't be around he's a loser

the deadbeat bear

I think maybe he's a stay-at-home bear

he's in the cave

getting stuff ready but no that can't be

that's why we get crappy Father's Day

gifts right we get the mugs and the ties

Mother's Day they get like Spa brunch

the whole day to relax

you earned it

you earned it because you gave birth and

you carried for nine months and blah

blah blah blah blah look

ladies that's not our fault we didn't

make the system

hey look let me just say this when

you're carrying for those nine months

that's no picnic for us

and have you ever seen a baby being born

because you're up at the other end

when that head comes out it's about this

big around it's never going to be the

same for us

I tipped the doctor 50 bucks to back it

up and come to the sunroof he's not

fitting out the window

yeah

they hooked me up doc

you know there's a new way to pair it

now

as a Kinder gentle way to parent now if

you if you tell a kid no and he asks why

you're not supposed to say because I

said so that's why that's bad parenting

oh they've switched it now yeah it's a

there's a Kinder gentle way you're

supposed to give them a reason you know

so my go-to reason was because it was

dangerous you know it's dangerous I

remember as they were getting a little

bit older my one boy wanted some cookies

I'm like you can have two cookies

it's like I'm taking four

I just said you can have two he's like

well I want four I'm taking four I'm

like you're taking two why can't I take

four

it's dangerous

he's like how's that dangerous dad

because if you take four I'm gonna

freaking hit you

[Applause]

dangerous

[Applause]

but look all kidding aside I don't hit

my kids I don't spank my kids they say

you're not supposed to spank your kids

now but they don't say anything about

showing them videos of other kids

getting spanked

that works

parents you got to get creative

I remember one of my boys wouldn't get

out of the car he's like I'm staying

here I'm like we're home get out of the

car he's like I'm mad I'm staying in the

car I'm like get out of the car no so I

showed him a video of that doctor

getting dragged off that airplane

thank you

he got out of the car

[Music]

it's a challenge everybody we took him

to Disney

this past year we took him to Disney

and we uh yeah ages seven and nine

and I think that's about as young as

they should be there was another family

there and they're like this is our first

trip to Disney too I'm like how old are

your kids she's like one and three

one and three

and you're taking them to Disney that's

like taking luggage

shits itself thank you

imagine you're standing in line you're

like what's that smell

oh it's the carry-on

I knew we should have left it in the

room

you know my kid's favorite thing at

Disney was because I got the two boys

they like the uh

Indiana Jones exhibit

Indiana Jones whole stunt show because

you know they're fighting they like the

fighting you know

so we get back home I let them watch the

Indiana Jones movies I don't know if

anyone's watched the Indiana Jones

movies in a while I haven't watched them

in 30 years but I knew I watched them as

a kid so I let them watch him you know I

didn't think anything of it I didn't

watch it with them

does anyone remember who the bad guys

were in the Indiana Jones movies

but Nazis exactly I had totally

forgotten cut to that Monday I'm getting

ready to take them back for the first

day back to school he jumps down the

stairs he goes I'm a Nazi

like what the hell did you just say he

goes I'm a Nazi I'm like don't ever say

that again

he's like I can't be a Nazi no you can't

be a Nazi

could you imagine if he had gone into

school and I didn't catch him he's going

I'm a Nazi the teachers would have

thought it was me

oh yeah that's Joshua his dad's a white

supremacist so you know

heads up

kids have no filter

hey I can't believe it they're

embarrassing we went to this new

Japanese restaurant that opened up in my

town

my oldest is looking around he's like

Daddy

how come all the people that work here

are Mexican

like they're Japanese my youngest is

like do they speak Chinese

look you sound like a couple of dumb

racists right now

how do they want to be near you I'm

getting my own table I'm not

I'm not getting pulled into your racist

vortex

I told him I go look

if you want Japanese food you want

Japanese people cooking it you know what

I mean Mexican food you want Mexican

people cooking if you want Chinese food

you want Chinese people cooking it if

you want meth you want white people

cooking it

foreign

I don't think you can take a kid to

Disney at one in three

I don't think you could take them to a

restaurant at one and three

right you ever do that it's like you can

tell right away if a waitress says kids

by the way I remember I'm sitting there

I got my two little kids and she's like

can I start you off with a drink

while you look at the menu and take some

time and figure out what you want I'm

like do you not see I get two kids here

under five we're not sipping drinks

talking about our day

we're ready to order

and you can bring the check and to go

boxes

[Applause]

you can bring some more crayons they ate

the last batch

can't wait to change those diapers

it's gonna get ugly you're about 10

minutes away from a meltdown

they haven't had their nap

right it's all about that nap

they have to get that nap

the scheduled nap people don't have kids

if you ever have kids this is the most

important part of your day is to get

them that schedule now in fact the worst

thing that can happen is you're almost

home you're in the car you're almost

home to give them the scheduled nap and

they start dozing off in the back seat

oh oh I start doing this

I'm doing brake checks

I got a little squirt gun I keep between

the seats

[Music]

was like why can't I now because it's

dangerous that's why

you're looking for anything you know

anything to look you know look out the

window I mean they need to keep mop

you know and living up in New Hampshire

where I live you can see some pretty

cool stuff on the highway sometimes one

day we were driving and the car that was

driving alongside us had hit a deer

earlier in the day so they had tied the

deer to the roof of the car

but the car was hauling a mattress as

well so they just put the deer on top of

the mattress

they weren't leaving one of those that's

bed and breakfast for people out there

right

but it was good because my you know

my kids were in the car and it looked

like it was sleeping

boy to see that my boy's like Daddy

is that deer dead I'm like nah buddy

just taking a nap

why is he bleeding

probably took four cookies

[Applause]

I'm exhausted I tell you I got two kids

I get pulled into chaperone all the time

because I'm a stay-at-home dad

did a chaperone my boy was in

kindergarten they had the idea to go

from New Hampshire to the Boston

Aquarium kindergarten kids taking them

from New Hampshire to the Boston

Aquarium

now first of all it's the most stressful

thing I've ever done in chaperone you've

got to watch like 10 kids I didn't see

one fish because I'm watching the kids

the whole time right I'm just watching

these kids I don't want to lose a kid I

don't want to lose a kid okay

unbelievable on the way back the bus

breaks down on the highway we're sitting

on the side of the highway for three

hours kids got to go to the bathroom

they're crying they're hungry it was so

stressful I texted my oldest boys soccer

coach to say hey we're not going to make

it back we're broken down on Route 128.

can you take Jack to soccer practice she

texts me back she says Justin I'm on the

bus with you

all right

didn't even know she was there I was

with her all day

and The Chaperone you have to go through

a background check so now I'm thinking

what crime can I commit where I'm no

longer eligible

sorry can't do it

daddy ran naked down the street

again in kindergarten my kindergarten I

went to a a goat farm and he learned how

to milk a goat and he rode the donkey

then he went into the cheese cave you

know it's a good father-son bonding

moment right it was a fun day

cut to later that night

he's upstairs with my wife my wife yells

down to me she's like Justin get up here

I come running up the stairs I'm like

what she's like look look Joshua he's

standing up in the bathtub naked going

Daddy I'm milking myself I'm milking

myself

daddy look I'm milking myself I'm

milking myself where did he learn that

don't look at me as a the goat farm

today I didn't know he was gonna bring

that back here

wasn't a PG-13 movie it's the goat farm

[Music]

and now I gotta tell him you know that

that that's not appropriate and it's not

funny

but it is funny I'm telling you right

now there's no way if you saw his face

of what he figured out

just a Lee in his eyes

it's like he thought he was a little

genius he's like I'm milking myself

Daddy I'm milking it

he get there he's in kindergarten

so it is funny and I but I gotta act

like a dirt

Joshua

that is not funny you get

it is uh I'll be right back

no

and now he knows he's got me and once

they know they've made you laugh

forget about it cat's out of the bag

he's now jumps out of the tub he's

running up and down the hallway I'm

looking myself Daddy I'm milking myself

I wanted to tell him look you're not

going to be laughing when you realize

how often you're going to be doing that

that gets unfunny fast

but that's the difference between boys

and girls

see you know learn how to milk a goat

and they're thinking oh that's where

milk comes from boys are thinking I'm

going to try that tonight

I can't wait for Tubby Time

mommy can I go first tonight

can I do tubby

you know you know what can I be honest I

was actually happy to see him playing

with something other than his electronic

device version

these electronic devices forget about it

that they've taken over the world right

they have that one they're addicted to

them they have that one week in the

spring at school where I live called

unplugged week no screens for a whole

week yeah it usually coincides with

first time I spank my kid week

kids used to come over

you think they would ask when friends

came over was where your bathroom was

now they asked what's your Wi-Fi

password that's all they care about

what's your Wi-Fi password and God

forbid you don't have Wi-Fi you don't

have Wi-Fi

I'm like what's my Wi-Fi password it's

actually it's a all one word all lower

case uh go outside and play

with a middle finger emoji

they break them they drop them they

shatter them right we've got them Shadow

so I got to get the cases for them right

and my oldest keeps I got the military

case it could fall out of a helicopter

it could go run over by a truck it's

like a 99 case

he keeps taking it out of the case I'm

like Jack put the case on there he's

like I don't like it with the case well

you don't have a choice put the case on

he's like I don't like how it feels I'm

like well you know what Daddy has to do

some things too where he doesn't like

how it feels with the case but he wears

the case

all right you don't wear the case bad

things can happen all right

my wife's great though

I've been with her for 22 years and I

think I speak for every married person

in this room men and women that when I

said I do I didn't realize what I did

right yeah you know

but we have a very normal marriage we'll

stand together for the kids

over here too yeah it's okay yeah hey I

don't blame look they say if you get

divorced the kids might think it's their

fault so I sat my two boys down I'm like

look guys your mother and I have decided

to stay together and that's your fault

[Applause]

I'm half kidding here's my point

if my my wife if I didn't have kids

there's no way my wife's staying with me

I believe she would be out of there

she would there's no she oh she's

already annoyed with me anyone else in a

relationship she's got like this OCD

thing where I can't like chew near her

anyone else in a relationship but you

can't chew near your spouse she's like

ah that noise it's driving me crazy I'm

like watch he's like you're chewing I'm

like ah I gotta chew I gotta eat

you know how much weight you lose when

you can't eat look at me

how did that happen we were feeding each

other cake not that long ago

at the wedding now I can't even Chew in

the same room

and one time true story she's in the

living room by herself I come around to

my end of the couch I sit down and I bit

into a potato chip

okay I was like

are you kidding me right now

[Applause]

you have to do that in here

I don't know if I have to I thought

maybe I you know have a chip and watch

the flat screen once in a while

now when I eat chips you know what I do

I go down the other end of the house I

crack a window and I eat the chips

at the open window

[Applause]

my neighbor's like Justin do you smoke

cigarettes I'm like oh no when I eat

chips I open the window so the sound

goes out onto the porch my wife likes

that she really appreciates it

she's got this thing about the shoes off

right you gotta have all the kids all of

us we can't have our shoes on in the

house which I'm fine with okay but

this is her one day she's like

I'm so aggravated right now I'm like

what she's like all the shoes by the

door

like you want us to take our shoes off

we come in the door we have to set the

shoes by the door do you want to make us

shoe holsters we'll wear them on our

hips what do you want us to do

want my friend to come over I'm like

yeah put this on he's like what's that I

go to shoe hole so hurry up get your

boots Put a boot in each side

it's my wife she's like but she's not

even home she'll know

foreign

I'm like take my shoes off

your carpet looks like an everything

bagel

I'm gonna track stuff out of here

I'm gonna take my shoes off before I get

back in my car

put them in my trunk and then hose them

off

when I get home and tell my wife I

watered the flowers

but as parents Man kids age us right

my wife is you know not doing as good as

me with it as far as let me let me

rephrase that

she's not handling it as well that's how

I meant to say

she's not hand in it as well

I'm falling apart but here's my thing

she's into all these uh anti-wrinkle

creams and serums and I go in the

bathroom one day and I'm just looking at

all this new stuff it's got It's all

made with like food it's got potatoes

and carrots and rosemary and it says

gluten free on all of it I'm like what

is this stuff like is this food can you

eat it just like you could but I put it

on my face

you better hope you don't die alone with

the dogs they're gonna eat your face I

mean that's you're like a pot roast on a

pillow with that stuff on

but this stuff isn't cheap it's like a

little thing like this of this

anti-wrinkle serum it's like 80 bucks

my wife is 46 years old do you have any

idea the amount of money we spend to

make her look 45.

can't we just dim the lights

right we'll save on the electricity too

I got a friend people that don't have

kids yet I gotta I got a friend that's

married six months he's got no kids yet

out of the blue he just asks me right

he's like is there a song that you and

your wife like to listen to when you're

banging

I'm with my wife for 22 years I wouldn't

call it banging

it's not a lot of banging going on I

don't think that's the right word maybe

some leaning

I'm just saying last time we made love

it looked like we were doing the

mannequin challenge

but I'm like is there a song no there's

not a song we got two little kids we

can't have music playing

we have to hear if they get up and walk

towards the bedroom

I gotta lay stuff out in the hallway to

trip them

I throw Legos down on the floor so they

know what it feels like to step on a

Lego with a barefoot

they're like ah I'm like yeah that hurts

doesn't it pick those up

Barefoot on a Lego that'll take down a

Navy SEAL

I don't care how tough you think you are

you step on a Lego with a bare foot

you're going down

I will share this with you moment with

my wife and I in our bedroom one night

I'm laying in bed and I got my you know

I got my back to my wife you know she's

over here I close my eyes right all of a

sudden my wife

starts rubbing my leg and I'm thinking

this is a weeknight

this makes no sense at all I'm like

but then I'm thinking maybe one of her

friends sent her an article

you know a link online you know but I

gotta spice it up keep it spontaneous

keep them guessing keep it fresh but I'm

thinking you know what what do I care

all right Pete the Cat is getting up to

bat

[Applause]

yeah

so I turn around to be like hey she goes

I thought you were the dog

Pete strikes out again

but I was not sad because I tried my

best

you guys are awesome

[Applause]

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

[Applause]

because I said so that's why we are

right on that sound by the way guys

everybody just heard that cut out are we

all right guys no I mean on the crew

will be good I know I know you guys

we see your lips

we just happen to be away from the kids

so you do whatever we don't need any of

this

kill these lights if you want I don't

even know why you put them up there