All language subtitles for Juston McKinney On The Bright Side - Full Special

wow thank you so much look at everybody

thank you for being here concord new

hampshire huh

wow

i don't know if you're aware but concord

new hampshire is actually a dream

vacation destination did you know that

yeah a couple months ago a woman on the

price is right

[Music]

won a vacation

to concord new hampshire

she was hoping for a caribbean vacation

and she got conquered

but here's the kicker

she's from massachusetts

less than two hours from here

and it gets worse they're like we'll fly

you and a guest

from los angeles

to beautiful manchester boston regional

airport she's got to go all the way out

and come all the way back

she didn't win a vacation she won the

longest tax-free liquor run in history

[Applause]

man

you know what new hampshire is better

than the caribbean you know why because

you can still get a plastic straw

live free or die they're not banning

those

[Applause]

look i'm all for the environment but

look let's be honest i mean the options

are not good

you've got the paper straw

those are great as long as you're not

drinking anything that's wet

if you can finish a drink in under 60

seconds that's a good choice

but i mean come on

you guys trying to drink a frozen

margarita drinking out of an empty paper

towel roll i mean

like well it's biodegradable yeah no

crap it's biodegraded in my mouth and in

my cup

i mean look i just i just want to wait a

few more years before i get off the

plastic straw i mean there's too much

going on we just come out of a pandemic

right and then and then we now we're

looking at world war three that sounds

like fun doesn't it

hang on to those masks

right and in ukraine every man from 18

to 60 has to stay and fight does anyone

know if that's the age in this country

60 that's kind of pushing it

if i'm 60 like you've got a fight i'm

like

i go to bed at 9 30.

i mean

[Applause]

i got a cpap machine

i'm gonna need an outlet is that a

problem

i just got a tempur-pedic bed

it's coming friday between 12 and 5. i

gotta sign for it

i gotta fight the russians

and i'm a little concerned because in

this country we can't get 18 to 60 year

olds to go to work let alone go to war

right

we should have a draft when we draft

people into jobs

go to some 22 year old you're drafted ah

i don't want to die

well i'd be very careful work in the

drive-through

i mean it's bad i mean

i went to take my 11 year old to a

haunted house in october and he's like

daddy is it going to be scary i'm like

well on the bright side with the labor

shortage there won't be as many people

jumping out at you this year

haunted house more like a help wanted

house

that would help wanted signs up

everywhere

there was a big sign that said scare

yourself it's been a shitty year

with an arrow pointed to a mirror

but look everybody here's my point my

dad has always told me to try to look on

the bright side and i'm trying to and it

could always be worse you know what i

mean it's like with stock market and

people's 401ks it could always be worth

i had a buddy his 401k he had all his

money with fidelity lost 25 percent of

his investments i had another buddy he

went with infidelity he lost 50 percent

of his investments

[Applause]

i don't know i want

i mean the vaccine was supposed to be

the game changer get everything back to

normal let me just say this by the way

if you are vaccinated okay it's not

foolproof you still got to be careful

okay my friend last summer a month after

getting the second shot still ended up

in the hospital because of the

coronavirus he didn't get the virus he

was wearing a mask his glasses fogged up

he walked in front of a vehicle

[Applause]

it wasn't the delta variant it was the

honda element

[Applause]

but look

i'll tell you what i'm gonna i'll

i'll tell you what i'm gonna miss

everybody when this whole covert thing

is over you know what i'm going to miss

being able to use it as an excuse

if you want to get out of doing

something right it's foolproof

right

my buddy called me he's like hey justin

can you help me move tomorrow i'm like

um

[Music]

yeah but um just so you know um

i was with my cousin yesterday

he tested positive for covet today

yeah are you sure i mean i lost a little

bit of my sense of smell but i think i

can are you sure

okay is your couch at least six feet

long

okay let me know if you change your mind

hashtag we're all in this together

we are

[Applause]

i'll tell you if somebody invites you to

their gender reveal party

oh

i never want to go to a gender reveal

party i would go to a gender reveal

surprise party

hey mike remember that girl you were

with nine months ago

you got a boy

time for a diaper change

but it shouldn't matter everybody it

shouldn't matter if you have a boy or

girl like what's the big deal right what

do they say are you hoping it's a boy or

girl you know what it doesn't matter as

long as they're

healthy

enough to shovel

and mow the lawn

and do the yard work that's why i have

these kids for the labor right we need

help

especially when we get older and i'll

tell you what's not gonna happen okay i

have millennials that live on each side

of me both of my neighbors on each side

are millennials i look out the window

they've got their parents

doing their yard work

how the hell did that happen

how did you pull off that bait and

switch millennials

some guys out there 75 years old raking

leaves i just got one more bag and i'll

be inside uh

you keep playing call of duty i'll

finish up out here

grandpa's okay don't mind grandpa

[Music]

no

you to stick around and help me when you

living in new hampshire is dangerous

with all the yard work the snow removal

right that's dangerous my snowblower got

recalled

because of a risk of amputation

just when you think winter in new

england couldn't suck anymore

amputation while snow blowing

can you imagine i go from i can't feel

my feet till i can't find my feet

my neighbor's over shoveling a foot and

a half it's mine

throw them back over

but i love living in new hampshire my

wife and i we go camping every year we

don't mean to but we live in new

hampshire and the power goes out every

year

three or four times

spaghetti

had to get the generator now the

generator that's dangerous just starting

to generate it did you hear about this

generac generator i don't know if i can

say the name am i going to get sued if i

say the name

it was in the news this generator got

recalled after seven incidents of finger

amputations seven

i love how

they waited for seven

six they were good

right somebody probably came into the

ceos like sir we just got our six report

of finger amputation with our new

generator it's like look

they're idiots

they didn't read the manual they're not

going to be pointing their fingers at us

[Applause]

but could you imagine how do you like

living in new hampshire oh it's not bad

we only lost power four times last year

and we lost power four times

four times

wow that must be tough to tie your shoes

actually my shoe i was snowblowing

i worry about my kids though i worry

that my kids are spoiled does anybody

think your kids are more spoiled than

when you were growing up

i mean this is when i realized my kids

have no clue we rented a place a few

years ago up on lake winnipesaukee okay

it was cheap four days seventeen

thousand dollars

monday through thursday

but there was no air conditioning okay

my kids

were like eight and 11 at the time okay

they

for the first time in their life they

were about to go to sleep with no air

conditioning

if you would have saw their faces

when they tried to go to sleep like

like dad get in here i'm like watch

there's something wrong with this place

i'm like i'm having trouble breathing

and look i'm sweating what is this

this is called heat

it's how a lot of people have to have to

sleep every night he's like well we got

to go home i'm like we're not going home

when i was a kid not only did i not have

air condition anyone had not have air

conditioner when you were a kid no ac

i didn't even have a fan

do you want to know how i kept cool when

i was eight nine ten eleven twelve this

is how i keep go i would lay on top of

all the covers okay just in my underwear

okay spread out like this right

waiting for the breeze that would never

come right

[Applause]

one night a moth flew by my face i go oh

come back moth please

please come back

if there's a god that moth will come

back

so i got a flashlight i put it under my

chin like this and the moth came back oh

oh

this is the best

oh this is the best night ever

i'll never forget this night mother

but then the batteries died okay

so that was only one night i got to do

that so this is how every other night

and you can do this if you find yourself

in a situation where you've got no ac in

those august hot days where it's humid

okay i would lay on top of all the

covers just in my underwear okay and i

would tickle my chest okay yes give

myself i'd go down the side like this

back up around there's nothing erotic

okay

it's your body's own personal look i

don't know if you can even see that can

you see that i mean that

that was from like

10 seconds

it cools you down okay

it works

yeah you you watch you'll be trying it

and you'll be like

when you do this you'll be thinking

about justin mckinney okay

all right don't ever forget

me but i told my kids i said you have

central air i had central areolas all

right

living in new hampshire is great it's a

great state but i am a little

embarrassed because a few years ago i

don't know if you're aware of this but

new hampshire made the legal age of

marriage 16.

yeah

they raised it to 16.

yeah

i couldn't believe it right you know

what it was yeah it was 13 for girls and

14 for boys how did that ever become a

law the only thing i could think was

back in the day that was the way parents

made sure their kids moved the hell out

of the house

that's like billy you're married i want

you out of here uh you gotta drop me off

dad i can't drive for two more years

could you imagine 13 and 14 are you guys

high school sweethearts not yet

high school sweethearts that's an

amazing thing do we have any high school

sweethearts out here tonight

wow look at this good for you how

awesome is that everybody you know what

i mean

it's great i mean two people who meet

each other and both of them know right

away

that they can't do any better

i mean

[Applause]

i mean there's nothing that says love

like fear

but look here's my point everybody it's

too young to get married at 13 and 14

and 16 even 18. i even think even 21 is

too young

you don't know what you want when you're

that age now i don't know if anybody saw

this story on good morning america there

was a 100 year old man marrying a 103

year old woman now at 100

and 103

you know what you want

you want someone if you don't wake up in

the morning they pick up the phone and

make a call am i right

you don't want a soul mate you want a

spotter

but would you even if you were 100 would

you even bother getting married

wouldn't you just date

you know why don't we just date you know

i'm not going anywhere

you're not going anywhere there's no

ramp on this place

i mean are you worried are you worried

people are going to judge you

were they living together before they

got married

yeah they were assisted living together

so they interviewed this guy and they

asked him

what their favorite thing to do together

was right he got all blushed you know he

got all embarrassed he's like

i don't know if i can talk about that

wait a second

is he implying that they're fooling

around

in their hundreds

my wife and i just turned 50. we're

almost done

i think every time could be the last

i don't know how many more she's got in

her i gotta be honest

they say you always remember your first

you probably always remember your last

two

nine years ago tomorrow

it was raining that day

i went to the bank

seriously my wife i mean i don't know i

mean

just recently i'm laying in bed with her

and i just i just put my hand on her

hand and i just kind of like looked at

her she goes

i think i have a concussion

you had to go right to concussion

right you couldn't say a headache like

you had to be like an nfl linebacker at

cte

what kind of scumbag would i be trying

to put the moves on my wife if she's in

concussion protocol

i mean that just shuts the door

completely i mean that's better than the

covert excuse

right guys if your woman's like i think

i have coveted you know what i probably

already got it let's light the candles

i've been with my wife now for 27 years

i've been with my wife

27 years yeah

and you know what we like to do you know

what we like to do on our date night to

watch tv like to stay in and watch tv

you know we watch we watch dateline

2020

48 hours unsolved mysteries

i realize on our date night we like to

watch shows about spouses killing each

other

we can't get enough of it

i like to take notes throughout the

whole thing

it's like what are you writing you don't

increase the life insurance right before

that's the first thing they look at

try decreasing it throw off the cops

and that was

before coven right people now were like

people now were like did you guys get

closer during covet yeah closer to

killing each other

okay

it is not normal at year 25 to be stuck

in a mandatory lockdown 365 24 7.

right it's like dog years one covert

year is like seven regular years am i

right

and she's worried she's still working

from home it's like she never worked

from home now she's working home both of

your home and you're not used to that i

mean even tom brady only made it 40 days

[Applause]

and he's living with a supermodel from

brazil

i'm living with a super ball buster from

tewksbury massachusetts

[Applause]

what chance do i have

oh my gosh she's always on me about

something out of the blue she hits me

with this she's like oh

that noise

i'm like what she's like you're chewing

[Applause]

when did this start

yeah anyone else in a relationship where

you can't chew near your significant

other

yeah it's a very enjoyable existence

isn't it where you can't eat one of the

things you need to survive you can't do

in front of the one you love oh we're

best friends really i can't even eat in

the same room as you

but she told me it's an ocd condition

it's a real thing

she showed me ocd online is it called

misophonia yeah

first of all it's got the word phony

right in it all right that's first of

all but she showed me and i read it and

it's you know it's triggered by the

sounds of chewing kind of tree and i go

well what about when the kids chew she's

like oh that doesn't bother me

so you have selective misophonia

i think you have me so tired of you

it's not me silfodia it's me

one night she's like oh that noise i'm

like what now she's like you're

breathing

i used to have a woman that wanted me to

have a woman that wants me to not be

breathing

when we fool around i gotta hold my

breath the whole time

just so i don't ruin it for

luckily i can hold it long enough

and i have asthma

[Applause]

i know it's impressive

so we're home all the time right she's

home i'm home and she this happens all

the time i'll go in the other room to go

see it you scared me

i'm like how did i scare you you know

i'm home

you think someone climbed through the

window choked me out with a rope that

coming in to get you

now i gotta send her a warning text i'm

on my way like heads up

she's like how far out are you 20

seconds i'm in the other room i don't

want you to freak out on me i don't want

to scare you

and here's the thing

she's staying remote she's staying

remote she said my company decided we're

gonna stay remote i'm like

for how long

she's like forever

forever

she's like yeah they can save money on

office space can i help chip in for

office space

i'll start a gofundme page

i'll do a bake sale whatever i got to do

i mean

i mean look how do i say this without it

coming out wrong if i knew covert was

going to happen i don't think i would

have married my wife i mean

i think i would have married like a

hairdresser somebody who could have been

a benefit in a lockdown right

or an hvac person how cool would that be

hvac heating and cooling

man

how cool would that be

not only is she not like an hvac person

or something cool like that you want to

know what she does for work hr

human resources

the absolute worst job

for a comedian to be married to

every joke i bounce off her she's like

i don't know about that

[Applause]

you can't say that anymore i wouldn't go

there that's a hot button issue that's

going to offend somebody i'm like ah she

can't even fix a furnace

so she's working from home i tried to

flirt with her one day right i'm

flirting with she's like that's

harassment in the workplace

look this is what happened sir

i was folding the laundry okay i saw a

pair of her black underwear in the pile

right and i'm like oh did you get a new

pair of sexy underwear for our weekend

away this weekend are you gonna wear

these and i kind of like slingshot of

the matter you know what i mean i hit

her in the face i didn't mean hair to

the face but you know what

she's like that's a mask

well if you're aware but that mask is

hotter than your underwear

and that pile that mask looks like a

g-string i mean

i mean your underwear looks like a dish

towel

just say it it's a lot of linen

but it's fine i get it i want her to be

comfy you know we're all getting older

you want to be comfy you know like when

we go down to the beach you know my wife

walks around in her two-piece

a one-piece with a shirt over it down to

her knees

she goes in the water i'm like it looks

like you fell out of a boat

it's like forget free the nipple free

the knee how about that

it's hard to make my wife laugh you know

i tried to make her laugh we went to the

beach one day so i thought it'd be funny

if i wore a speedo

yeah that backfired

let's just say there's a reason that's a

french-canadian thing and not an irish

canadian thing all right

went to get a coffee the guy behind the

counter asked what my preferred pronoun

was

[Applause]

i said he

he goes you sure about that

and by the way let me just say okay

i have two boys and people ask me you

know people have asked me that you have

two boys if one of them wanted to change

their pronoun and be they instead of he

how how would you feel about that i'm

like i am completely fine with that as

long as they shovel

they mow the lawn

they do the stuff around the house more

power to them

that's a pro pronoun joke okay i can't

get canceled for that i got the

clearance from hr on that one

[Applause]

because it never ends

she's always telling me about the latest

stuff it's getting ridiculous i mean she

comes in one day and she tells me about

this university that wants to stop using

the terms mother and father and wants to

start calling dads

non-birthing parents

what

how is that neutral first of all that's

name calling

why don't you just go with no good do

nothing piece of dads

this right dad kick us right in the nuts

why hold back

i mean come on ladies we had something

to do with the birth

you're non-penetrating parents how do

you like that huh

i'm just saying

you're gonna be you want a name call

your npps non-penetrating parents you

did nothing you just laid there all

right we know what you did

okay

no

it doesn't feel good to call names

we don't need to resort to that

we don't need to resort to that look at

uh but i don't know why you're going

after the dads i wouldn't go after the

mothers i mean look my kid makes

computers he builds computers he needs a

new motherboard it's the most important

part of the whole computer it runs the

whole thing it's the brains i'm not like

that should be the father boy

that's your thing ladies take it own it

it's you good

the mothership

is that not the best ship

everyone wants to get back to the

mothership it's the best ship it's the

mother show like that should be the

fathership no that's yours

herpes i'm like that should be his ps

own it love it

spread it

you be you

but it's not easy everybody out there

i'm telling you i'm trying to be

positive look on the bright side more

that's what i'm trying to do i mean

getting old's tough i mean my wife

starting to go through these hot flashes

yeah she has these flashes where she

looks hot

[Applause]

[Music]

we're getting old stuff i see i see you

out here we got some people out there

that have lived a few years on the

planet

yeah

anybody at that age where when stuff

breaks like appliances and stuff at the

house when it breaks you do that

calculation as to how many more you have

to buy before you die you ever do that

that's the bright side of being in your

50s if you've got to get a new roof it's

probably the last one you ever have to

get

i figure i got three fridges two water

heaters and one roof and i'm done

i miss my 20s though man we have any

20-somethings out there where am i

20-somethings at

[Music]

yeah how annoying are they right you all

you all thought the same thing right

you're immediately envious of them

you know what it is though we all know

what it's like to be them

they have no idea what it's like to be

us

enjoy it

hope you're having fun

i could remember being in my 20s going

out with friends on the weekend and we'd

go out drinking it would always this

conversation would always come up it'd

always be like

is it beer before liquor

never been sicker liquor before beer

you're in the clear what is it again

this was me with that same friend not

long ago is it if you've had chickenpox

you can get shingles

well you can't get shingles

what is it again

are we going to get shingles

sounds horrible

right of all the things to name

something from a house

you use shingles it's got to be the

worst but then i got thinking of it none

of it sounds good right if you're

diagnosed with right shutters that

doesn't sound better

you're about steve he's got shutters

really yeah

it's gonna be out for two weeks

with shutters

poor guy

none of it sounds good porch that

doesn't sound good

hear about jason he's got porch

really

front porch or back porch

he's got both front porch and back

he's got wrap around porch

you don't want to go nearer

how long is it supposed to last three

could be four seasons

not if it sounds good garage

right if you heard someone die you know

hey hear about jeff he's got garage

is it bad is it still attached no

detached

it's got detached garage

broke off of his mud room

can't even sit down

so i guess we'll stick with shingles

but you 20-somethings you don't even

know you see a sign at walgreens we now

have shingle shots you think it's a

drink

you're like we should do some shingle

shots tonight i see him everywhere

we'll put him in a red bull we'll do an

all-nighter

we'll stay out till last call

that's what they do they sell to last

call you remember last call

it's like two in the morning

if i'm awake at two in the morning

that's hopefully the last time i had to

get up and take a piss for the night

[Applause]

last call for alcohol not in my house

last piss hope i don't miss

[Applause]

i'm not turning the lights on i'll never

get back to sleep

i had these

i had these 20-somethings after a show

once they come up to me like hey you

want to funnel a beer with us

like funnel a beer with you

no

think i would die i think i'd drowned

i can't all of a sudden funnel a beer

after 30 years

got acid reflux that's coming up it's

going down i mean

what are you kidding me

i'm like you know how long it's been

since i thought i've even tried a funnel

of beers like we were funneling beer

last weekend you know what i did last

weekend

a neti pot

okay

oh try that you ever try that 20

somethings the nasal irrigation rinse

that's a party on a saturday night

oh yeah

gotta go get the little teapot with a

little saline packet

gotta get the distilled water because it

can't be tap water get that brainy

amiibo that'll take you

out you lean over the sink right you mix

it up you put one thing in one nostril

you put it up it goes up into your brain

and comes down the other side it's like

waterboarding for all people is it not

the weird

it's called i didn't know it was all

connected

you've got to try it 20 somethings

put beer in it if you want

yeah

make it make it the natty pot

the natty pot challenge

that's all you have to do with these

young people now just put the word

challenge behind it

the kids are great but kids reach that

age i'll never forget there'll be that

one moment where they go from that cute

toddler innocent sweet child something

just happens well i'll never forget it

with my seven seven-year-old my boy was

seven i was tucking him into bed okay

i would always do this little rhyme game

with him like buddy i love you more than

planes trains and cranes and he'd look

at me and go like i love you more than

boats

goats and floats you know i looked up so

one night i'm talking about he's seven

years old i'm like buddy i love you more

than stars mars and cars he looks up at

me goes

i love you more than my balls

[Applause]

where did that come from

i'm like that's not a nice way to talk

to your dad at least i have balls unlike

you right dad i'm like

did he get that from

i think he's listening to his mother

talk on the phone with her girlfriends

[Applause]

things will happen my kids will do

things and i just imagine what it would

have been like in my childhood it just

it's a whole different time

when my boy was in fourth grade i got a

call from the nurse's office

it's like we've got you know we've got

jack down here he um

he's at the nurse's office i'm like is

he okay yeah um he wants to know if you

know he spilled some milk on his pants

first of all i'm like he's at the

nurse's office

is he feeling sour i mean what why is he

at the nurse

he wants to know if you'll bring him

down another pair of pants if i called

my dad

and asked him to bring me down another

pair of pants because i spilt milk on

him he would show up without his pants

i guarantee it

he would have

been like i couldn't find your pants big

guy mine either don't bother me again

i could remember being in the elementary

school nurse's office when she called my

dad it was on speakerphone my dad

treated that school nurse

like she was a telemarketer

she's like yeah we got justin down here

he's got a little bit of a temp he's

really not feeling well

look

i don't know how you got this number

but i'm not interested

don't call her anymore and take me off

that list click

she's like do you think i called the

wrong number no that was my dad he does

not

does not like lists

and i had a little bit of a

dysfunctional childhood i i i don't know

how many people anybody have a little

bit of a dysfunctional childhood growing

up a little bit all right

so basically i uh i was born in

portsmouth new hampshire and when i yeah

thank you portsmouth all right and when

i was six years old my mom passed away

so my mom's sister moved in to help you

know take care of us kids and apparently

take care of my dad if you know what i

mean yeah they ended up in the same bed

exactly yes

very normal right

she brought

two of her kids so in this one house in

portsmouth there was a dad and aunt two

cousins and four brothers

that's when they said we really should

be in maine

okay

yeah

so when i got out of the fifth grade

we packed up the u-haul and we headed

north

to a town called kittery maine

two miles away

it was right over the bridge it was two

miles from my old house to my new house

it was the first house on the left as

you crossed over interstate 95 in the

main it was the first house on the left

now i know maine people make fun of it

and all that but when the first house in

maine has a dad and aunt two cousins and

four brothers that's not a great look

that's not northern maine that's the

southern tip that's the first house

and i said to my dad i'm like dad you

and i wanted so like in the same bed

he's like look on the bright side if i'm

gonna end up with one of your aunts

better your mom's sister than my sister

this is the last time we talked about it

and my grandfather lived with us so

there were nine of us

nine of us in a three bedroom one bath

yeah because my grandfather he got

divorced from my grandmother my

grandmother was married five times my

grandfather was her first and fourth

yeah

yeah imagine that so they get divorced

she took half his stuff

came back and took half of his other

half

she got three quarters

that first divorce she's thinking i

can't believe you're taking half my

stuff she's like oh you wait i'll be

back

i'm not done with you

so my grandfather you know died broke

you know my dad's got nothing but listen

to me this is what i'm trying to say

there's the bright side of not being

super rich okay be happy that you're not

super rich you don't have a place like

on the ocean a place in florida place up

on winnipesaukee because i'm just when

you get up in your 80s and 90s i'm not

saying your family wants you to die but

they're thinking about how they're

splitting up all that when you do

am i right

my dad's got nothing when my dad goes we

gotta pay for the funeral the burial we

want my dad to live forever

we're like daddy you taking care of

yourself we can't afford to lose you

right now

we just put a new deck on the house

if you go now we're going to put you

under the deck till spring

no pressure

take your vitamins we need you here

and my dad's an amazing story my dad was

for many years was a homeless alcoholic

but he'll be sober 15 years on april 1st

15 years sober yeah

so proud of my dad i'm so proud of him

but he actually spent time living in the

toilet

didn't live in the toilet

that would have been really bad he lived

in the the restroom at the parking

garage in portsmouth new hampshire and

he used to he was always positive then

he's like on the bright side i got a

place with a 400 car garage

but

but here's my point

you all want your kids to have the life

you never had but i'd like them to have

the life i had just for like a week just

you know what i mean just so they

appreciate it

you know

they have no clue they talk a good talk

they come in one day they're like dad

we want bunk beds

i'm like you have your own

rooms i think yeah but we want it for

like when we have sleepovers you you

want a guest bed in your room it's not

happening it's like so we can't get bunk

beds if anyone's getting bunk beds

it's your mother and i

yeah

i'm trying to talk her into it yeah

because apparently i snore do you have

any snorers out there

yeah over here you snore yeah yeah so i

so so this is me okay every night okay

right when i lay right when i right when

i fall asleep okay i put my head down on

the pillow right and and by the way you

20 somethings don't understand this yet

but you will reach an age

where going to bed at night is the best

part of your life

right

yeah

it's one of the few things you have to

look forward to

right

your head hits that pillow you're like

oh

put that show behind me

we'll start fresh in the morning

right is there anything better

some of you look like you're already

thinking about it now

like how long is this guy doing

so right

right when i right when i fall asleep i

get into that beautiful that rem sleep

right that beautiful it's

nothing better right when i fall asleep

all sudden i feel my wife's arms like

you're snoring i'm like

she's like try sleeping on your side i'm

like oh

okay

okay just don't hit me again

i'll sleep on my side

okay

[Music]

okay right right when i fall asleep

again you're snoring again oh

she's like try your stomach

oh okay i'll try

she you're snoring again trying now

you're breathing on me

let's see if you set up a time lapse

camera this is what it would look like

[Music]

1.2 miles on my fitbit

[Music]

[Applause]

i come down the next morning she's like

you look tired

really

don't look tired

i slept about an hour and i closed an

exercise right

my watch was like you kicked ass last

night keep it up

make it two nights in a row

listen to me

i'm snoring

because i have nasal polyps because i'm

allergic to the dogs she has the dog

sleeping on the bed

let me have the top bunk the dogs can't

get me you can't hit me i'll be in

heaven

and there'll be no mixed signals if you

want to fool around you got to climb up

you know where to find me

could you imagine i hear her coming up

that ladder oh yeah it's about time

and she's climbing the stairway

to heaven

[Applause]

as far as i can go with my asthma

as long as i can

carry that too

my wife and i we've been uh we've

people ask me what our secret is because

we've been together for 27 years like

what you see here's the secret everybody

it's communication okay you got to

communicate if you don't communicate

find ways to communicate my wife

sometimes you know what she would do she

would communicate through my kids

spelling test

yeah

i remember my boy was in second grade

she's giving him a test she's like all

right are you ready

okay the first word is car

daddy got a new car mommy did not

she goes the next word is away daddy

went away last weekend and left mommy to

take care of the kids by herself away

i'm like you want to talk about

something

she's like the next word is tree i'm

like oh let me do this one i'll do this

one all right you ready buddy all right

let me do this one you ready all right

here we go

tree

mommy needs to stop bitching about

everything tree

[Applause]

it was a good talk it was a good talk

i said to my wife one day i said i had a

dream that you left me she's like i'm

not gonna leave you i'm like i know i

said it was a dream

she's like did it wake you up in the

middle of the night oh no i wasn't

sleeping it was during the day

i was driving around in my new car

these cars are like computers and

computers now you gotta we gotta worry

about computers you gotta worry about

people hacking into your accounts

and stealing your accounts yeah i had a

buddy someone hacked into his account

let me just say this right now okay if

somebody hacks into my accounts i will

hunt them down

and ask them what my passwords are

is it not ridiculous

everything is the username and password

i gotta log into my patient portal with

the doctor's office right you need a

username and password first of all

before i even put in the username and

password

this thing pops up

it says if you're having a medical

emergency dial 9-1-1 immediately

are there people in america

that don't know about the whole dial

9-1-1 if you're having an emergency i

don't know if you're outside i don't

know using your generator and you lose

two fingers

ah

you're coming out she's like

where's my laptop

let's get on my patient portal

username

password

not a recognizable password

oh all caps i think it's all caps try

out caps

still not a recognizable password all

right

all right let's reset reset password

here we go listen all right click on the

link we emailed to your email on file

okay

let's let's get to that

okay

prove you're not a robot

[Music]

i'm about to bleed out in five minutes i

don't think a robot would do that

click on all images with an ambulance in

them

there's one ambulance

that's two ambulances oh man is that a

truck or an ambulance

damn those robots must be so smart

who's texting me right now someone's

texting me

someone is trying to log into your

account

[Applause]

if this is not you let us know

immediately

if you're having a medical emergency

dial 9-1-1

duh why didn't i think of that

9-1-1 what's your emergency yeah i'm

having trouble logging into my patient

portal

[Applause]

all right

i've got to do this patient portal all

the time because i i i got issues with

my sinuses i've had nasals or i have a

deviated septum i deviated septum

surgery and i

that by the way is the worst it's like i

asked the ent i'm like how do i deviate

my septum she's like well do you do

mixed martial arts i mean are you a

fighter have you ever broken your nose

in a fight and i'm like no

do i look like a fire i mean come on

i tore my meniscus mulching

she's like well then it must have

happened at birth

so basically i got into a fight with a

vagina

and lost

day one

that start of the pattern that has

continued to this day

yeah

that's why i don't mess with women

[Applause]

i got f'ed up

but i'm trying everybody to deal with

i'm trying i'm on the the nasal spray

flonase my allergies i'm on that now one

of the side effects

of flonase nasal sprays it lowers your

sex drive yeah i didn't know about it my

wife found out about it before i did the

way i found out i was sleeping one night

i woke up and caught her spraying it

into my nostrils while i was sleeping

[Laughter]

lowers my sex drive and stops you from

snoring as my wife calls it miracle mist

flonase more like no lays

but you know what it's probably good

it's probably better that way don't have

to worry about the kids walking in on us

yeah because that's a fear

anybody's got kids you've got to worry

about your kids why anyone here ever

walk in on their mom and dad when you go

so over here yeah yeah you remember it

right don't be like huh i'm not sure no

you'd be sure

certain memories stick with you for life

falling out of moving vehicles and

walking in on mom and dad well as

traumatic as you think it would be

walking in

on your dad and your mom imagine me

walking in on my dad and my aunt

my aunt looked right at me i'm like i'm

staring i was like a deer in headlights

i just froze

i could not move i just started sweating

i didn't know what to do so i just

kicked on the ac

she's like what are you doing i'm like

it's getting hot in here

hey you guys have been fabulous

thank you so much

[Applause]

thank you

it means a lot well thank you so much

you guys thank you

[Applause]

thank you very much

[Music]

you