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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:14,719 --> 00:00:17,760 wow thank you so much look at everybody 2 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:19,680 thank you for being here concord new 3 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,240 hampshire huh 4 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:25,029 wow 5 00:00:25,039 --> 00:00:26,960 i don't know if you're aware but concord 6 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,119 new hampshire is actually a dream 7 00:00:29,119 --> 00:00:34,310 vacation destination did you know that 8 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,719 yeah a couple months ago a woman on the 9 00:00:36,719 --> 00:00:37,710 price is right 10 00:00:37,710 --> 00:00:39,440 [Music] 11 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,440 won a vacation 12 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:49,350 to concord new hampshire 13 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:53,760 she was hoping for a caribbean vacation 14 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,719 and she got conquered 15 00:00:56,719 --> 00:00:58,559 but here's the kicker 16 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:07,350 she's from massachusetts 17 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:11,109 less than two hours from here 18 00:01:11,119 --> 00:01:13,439 and it gets worse they're like we'll fly 19 00:01:13,439 --> 00:01:17,190 you and a guest 20 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,640 from los angeles 21 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:24,840 to beautiful manchester boston regional 22 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,439 airport she's got to go all the way out 23 00:01:27,439 --> 00:01:32,149 and come all the way back 24 00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:34,479 she didn't win a vacation she won the 25 00:01:34,479 --> 00:01:40,370 longest tax-free liquor run in history 26 00:01:40,380 --> 00:01:44,870 [Applause] 27 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:46,399 man 28 00:01:46,399 --> 00:01:48,079 you know what new hampshire is better 29 00:01:48,079 --> 00:01:49,600 than the caribbean you know why because 30 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:53,520 you can still get a plastic straw 31 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,520 live free or die they're not banning 32 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,410 those 33 00:01:57,410 --> 00:02:00,479 [Applause] 34 00:02:00,479 --> 00:02:02,479 look i'm all for the environment but 35 00:02:02,479 --> 00:02:04,880 look let's be honest i mean the options 36 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:06,560 are not good 37 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,800 you've got the paper straw 38 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,640 those are great as long as you're not 39 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:17,830 drinking anything that's wet 40 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,920 if you can finish a drink in under 60 41 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:23,840 seconds that's a good choice 42 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:25,760 but i mean come on 43 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,280 you guys trying to drink a frozen 44 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,280 margarita drinking out of an empty paper 45 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:31,360 towel roll i mean 46 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,360 like well it's biodegradable yeah no 47 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,440 crap it's biodegraded in my mouth and in 48 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:39,589 my cup 49 00:02:39,599 --> 00:02:42,400 i mean look i just i just want to wait a 50 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,560 few more years before i get off the 51 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:45,760 plastic straw i mean there's too much 52 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,400 going on we just come out of a pandemic 53 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,080 right and then and then we now we're 54 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:51,920 looking at world war three that sounds 55 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,440 like fun doesn't it 56 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:58,630 hang on to those masks 57 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,840 right and in ukraine every man from 18 58 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,480 to 60 has to stay and fight does anyone 59 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,120 know if that's the age in this country 60 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:11,670 60 that's kind of pushing it 61 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,440 if i'm 60 like you've got a fight i'm 62 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,400 like 63 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:21,509 i go to bed at 9 30. 64 00:03:21,519 --> 00:03:23,430 i mean 65 00:03:23,430 --> 00:03:24,640 [Applause] 66 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:31,430 i got a cpap machine 67 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,040 i'm gonna need an outlet is that a 68 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:39,110 problem 69 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:42,480 i just got a tempur-pedic bed 70 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,519 it's coming friday between 12 and 5. i 71 00:03:45,519 --> 00:03:47,360 gotta sign for it 72 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:52,789 i gotta fight the russians 73 00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,560 and i'm a little concerned because in 74 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,200 this country we can't get 18 to 60 year 75 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:03,910 olds to go to work let alone go to war 76 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:10,789 right 77 00:04:10,799 --> 00:04:12,799 we should have a draft when we draft 78 00:04:12,799 --> 00:04:19,030 people into jobs 79 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,680 go to some 22 year old you're drafted ah 80 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,440 i don't want to die 81 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,440 well i'd be very careful work in the 82 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:29,670 drive-through 83 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,680 i mean it's bad i mean 84 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:33,360 i went to take my 11 year old to a 85 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,120 haunted house in october and he's like 86 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,120 daddy is it going to be scary i'm like 87 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:38,800 well on the bright side with the labor 88 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,320 shortage there won't be as many people 89 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:43,360 jumping out at you this year 90 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,520 haunted house more like a help wanted 91 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:46,479 house 92 00:04:46,479 --> 00:04:48,160 that would help wanted signs up 93 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,680 everywhere 94 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,600 there was a big sign that said scare 95 00:04:51,600 --> 00:05:00,870 yourself it's been a shitty year 96 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:07,990 with an arrow pointed to a mirror 97 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,560 but look everybody here's my point my 98 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,320 dad has always told me to try to look on 99 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:13,759 the bright side and i'm trying to and it 100 00:05:13,759 --> 00:05:15,120 could always be worse you know what i 101 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,039 mean it's like with stock market and 102 00:05:17,039 --> 00:05:19,039 people's 401ks it could always be worth 103 00:05:19,039 --> 00:05:21,440 i had a buddy his 401k he had all his 104 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,080 money with fidelity lost 25 percent of 105 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,160 his investments i had another buddy he 106 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,320 went with infidelity he lost 50 percent 107 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:31,560 of his investments 108 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:43,189 [Applause] 109 00:05:43,199 --> 00:05:44,800 i don't know i want 110 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,720 i mean the vaccine was supposed to be 111 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,720 the game changer get everything back to 112 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,160 normal let me just say this by the way 113 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:51,840 if you are vaccinated okay it's not 114 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,240 foolproof you still got to be careful 115 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,560 okay my friend last summer a month after 116 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,560 getting the second shot still ended up 117 00:05:58,560 --> 00:05:59,600 in the hospital because of the 118 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,680 coronavirus he didn't get the virus he 119 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,919 was wearing a mask his glasses fogged up 120 00:06:03,919 --> 00:06:09,160 he walked in front of a vehicle 121 00:06:09,170 --> 00:06:12,400 [Applause] 122 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:14,240 it wasn't the delta variant it was the 123 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:18,950 honda element 124 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:27,110 [Applause] 125 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,120 but look 126 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,600 i'll tell you what i'm gonna i'll 127 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:32,960 i'll tell you what i'm gonna miss 128 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,400 everybody when this whole covert thing 129 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:35,919 is over you know what i'm going to miss 130 00:06:35,919 --> 00:06:38,880 being able to use it as an excuse 131 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,240 if you want to get out of doing 132 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,880 something right it's foolproof 133 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:43,840 right 134 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,600 my buddy called me he's like hey justin 135 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,800 can you help me move tomorrow i'm like 136 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:49,490 um 137 00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:50,960 [Music] 138 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,160 yeah but um just so you know um 139 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:58,230 i was with my cousin yesterday 140 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:02,000 he tested positive for covet today 141 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,240 yeah are you sure i mean i lost a little 142 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,000 bit of my sense of smell but i think i 143 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,759 can are you sure 144 00:07:07,759 --> 00:07:10,160 okay is your couch at least six feet 145 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,629 long 146 00:07:12,639 --> 00:07:15,919 okay let me know if you change your mind 147 00:07:15,919 --> 00:07:19,360 hashtag we're all in this together 148 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,300 we are 149 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:27,680 [Applause] 150 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:30,080 i'll tell you if somebody invites you to 151 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,319 their gender reveal party 152 00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:33,360 oh 153 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,440 i never want to go to a gender reveal 154 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,759 party i would go to a gender reveal 155 00:07:37,759 --> 00:07:39,919 surprise party 156 00:07:39,919 --> 00:07:41,440 hey mike remember that girl you were 157 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:45,909 with nine months ago 158 00:07:45,919 --> 00:07:49,350 you got a boy 159 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:54,790 time for a diaper change 160 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,479 but it shouldn't matter everybody it 161 00:07:56,479 --> 00:07:57,680 shouldn't matter if you have a boy or 162 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,199 girl like what's the big deal right what 163 00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:00,800 do they say are you hoping it's a boy or 164 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,199 girl you know what it doesn't matter as 165 00:08:03,199 --> 00:08:05,280 long as they're 166 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,639 healthy 167 00:08:06,639 --> 00:08:09,440 enough to shovel 168 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,280 and mow the lawn 169 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:12,879 and do the yard work that's why i have 170 00:08:12,879 --> 00:08:14,560 these kids for the labor right we need 171 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:15,840 help 172 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,360 especially when we get older and i'll 173 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,280 tell you what's not gonna happen okay i 174 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,879 have millennials that live on each side 175 00:08:20,879 --> 00:08:22,319 of me both of my neighbors on each side 176 00:08:22,319 --> 00:08:24,639 are millennials i look out the window 177 00:08:24,639 --> 00:08:26,960 they've got their parents 178 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,120 doing their yard work 179 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:31,280 how the hell did that happen 180 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:33,039 how did you pull off that bait and 181 00:08:33,039 --> 00:08:35,360 switch millennials 182 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,519 some guys out there 75 years old raking 183 00:08:37,519 --> 00:08:39,680 leaves i just got one more bag and i'll 184 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:41,680 be inside uh 185 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,440 you keep playing call of duty i'll 186 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,080 finish up out here 187 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:48,440 grandpa's okay don't mind grandpa 188 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,480 [Music] 189 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,720 no 190 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,680 you to stick around and help me when you 191 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,440 living in new hampshire is dangerous 192 00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:00,480 with all the yard work the snow removal 193 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,120 right that's dangerous my snowblower got 194 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,640 recalled 195 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:09,110 because of a risk of amputation 196 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,360 just when you think winter in new 197 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:14,080 england couldn't suck anymore 198 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:17,120 amputation while snow blowing 199 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,440 can you imagine i go from i can't feel 200 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:24,070 my feet till i can't find my feet 201 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,760 my neighbor's over shoveling a foot and 202 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:32,389 a half it's mine 203 00:09:32,399 --> 00:09:37,670 throw them back over 204 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,200 but i love living in new hampshire my 205 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,959 wife and i we go camping every year we 206 00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:42,080 don't mean to but we live in new 207 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:43,680 hampshire and the power goes out every 208 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:44,560 year 209 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:49,350 three or four times 210 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,710 spaghetti 211 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,240 had to get the generator now the 212 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,240 generator that's dangerous just starting 213 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,760 to generate it did you hear about this 214 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,600 generac generator i don't know if i can 215 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,120 say the name am i going to get sued if i 216 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,800 say the name 217 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,640 it was in the news this generator got 218 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,680 recalled after seven incidents of finger 219 00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,079 amputations seven 220 00:10:10,079 --> 00:10:11,680 i love how 221 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:15,269 they waited for seven 222 00:10:15,279 --> 00:10:18,560 six they were good 223 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,079 right somebody probably came into the 224 00:10:20,079 --> 00:10:22,640 ceos like sir we just got our six report 225 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,079 of finger amputation with our new 226 00:10:24,079 --> 00:10:26,560 generator it's like look 227 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,320 they're idiots 228 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,480 they didn't read the manual they're not 229 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:36,440 going to be pointing their fingers at us 230 00:10:36,450 --> 00:10:40,550 [Applause] 231 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:42,240 but could you imagine how do you like 232 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,079 living in new hampshire oh it's not bad 233 00:10:44,079 --> 00:10:47,839 we only lost power four times last year 234 00:10:47,839 --> 00:10:52,470 and we lost power four times 235 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:57,990 four times 236 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,160 wow that must be tough to tie your shoes 237 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:10,949 actually my shoe i was snowblowing 238 00:11:10,959 --> 00:11:13,040 i worry about my kids though i worry 239 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,640 that my kids are spoiled does anybody 240 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,560 think your kids are more spoiled than 241 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:20,069 when you were growing up 242 00:11:20,079 --> 00:11:22,720 i mean this is when i realized my kids 243 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,560 have no clue we rented a place a few 244 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,360 years ago up on lake winnipesaukee okay 245 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,440 it was cheap four days seventeen 246 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:33,190 thousand dollars 247 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:41,350 monday through thursday 248 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:46,630 but there was no air conditioning okay 249 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,000 my kids 250 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,920 were like eight and 11 at the time okay 251 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:50,639 they 252 00:11:50,639 --> 00:11:52,240 for the first time in their life they 253 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,240 were about to go to sleep with no air 254 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:55,440 conditioning 255 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,240 if you would have saw their faces 256 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,910 when they tried to go to sleep like 257 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:05,040 like dad get in here i'm like watch 258 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:08,949 there's something wrong with this place 259 00:12:08,959 --> 00:12:11,760 i'm like i'm having trouble breathing 260 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:16,870 and look i'm sweating what is this 261 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:20,069 this is called heat 262 00:12:20,079 --> 00:12:21,839 it's how a lot of people have to have to 263 00:12:21,839 --> 00:12:23,200 sleep every night he's like well we got 264 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,360 to go home i'm like we're not going home 265 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,279 when i was a kid not only did i not have 266 00:12:27,279 --> 00:12:28,639 air condition anyone had not have air 267 00:12:28,639 --> 00:12:33,590 conditioner when you were a kid no ac 268 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,560 i didn't even have a fan 269 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:38,160 do you want to know how i kept cool when 270 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:39,519 i was eight nine ten eleven twelve this 271 00:12:39,519 --> 00:12:41,360 is how i keep go i would lay on top of 272 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,200 all the covers okay just in my underwear 273 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,480 okay spread out like this right 274 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,399 waiting for the breeze that would never 275 00:12:48,399 --> 00:12:50,880 come right 276 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,519 [Applause] 277 00:12:53,519 --> 00:12:57,279 one night a moth flew by my face i go oh 278 00:12:57,279 --> 00:12:59,920 come back moth please 279 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,760 please come back 280 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,440 if there's a god that moth will come 281 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:04,560 back 282 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,639 so i got a flashlight i put it under my 283 00:13:06,639 --> 00:13:09,760 chin like this and the moth came back oh 284 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,200 oh 285 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,279 this is the best 286 00:13:13,279 --> 00:13:15,839 oh this is the best night ever 287 00:13:15,839 --> 00:13:22,389 i'll never forget this night mother 288 00:13:22,399 --> 00:13:24,720 but then the batteries died okay 289 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,399 so that was only one night i got to do 290 00:13:26,399 --> 00:13:28,160 that so this is how every other night 291 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,320 and you can do this if you find yourself 292 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,079 in a situation where you've got no ac in 293 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:33,600 those august hot days where it's humid 294 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,680 okay i would lay on top of all the 295 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,920 covers just in my underwear okay and i 296 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,199 would tickle my chest okay yes give 297 00:13:41,199 --> 00:13:43,839 myself i'd go down the side like this 298 00:13:43,839 --> 00:13:46,000 back up around there's nothing erotic 299 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,440 okay 300 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,120 it's your body's own personal look i 301 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,399 don't know if you can even see that can 302 00:13:50,399 --> 00:13:52,480 you see that i mean that 303 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,079 that was from like 304 00:13:54,079 --> 00:13:55,440 10 seconds 305 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,959 it cools you down okay 306 00:13:58,959 --> 00:14:01,519 it works 307 00:14:01,519 --> 00:14:03,680 yeah you you watch you'll be trying it 308 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,680 and you'll be like 309 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,120 when you do this you'll be thinking 310 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,160 about justin mckinney okay 311 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:14,829 all right don't ever forget 312 00:14:14,839 --> 00:14:17,680 me but i told my kids i said you have 313 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,320 central air i had central areolas all 314 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:24,710 right 315 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,320 living in new hampshire is great it's a 316 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,000 great state but i am a little 317 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,360 embarrassed because a few years ago i 318 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,320 don't know if you're aware of this but 319 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,480 new hampshire made the legal age of 320 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,720 marriage 16. 321 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:35,680 yeah 322 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:41,110 they raised it to 16. 323 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:42,240 yeah 324 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:43,760 i couldn't believe it right you know 325 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,720 what it was yeah it was 13 for girls and 326 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,680 14 for boys how did that ever become a 327 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,920 law the only thing i could think was 328 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,680 back in the day that was the way parents 329 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,279 made sure their kids moved the hell out 330 00:14:55,279 --> 00:14:57,440 of the house 331 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,199 that's like billy you're married i want 332 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:01,120 you out of here uh you gotta drop me off 333 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:05,430 dad i can't drive for two more years 334 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,639 could you imagine 13 and 14 are you guys 335 00:15:08,639 --> 00:15:21,189 high school sweethearts not yet 336 00:15:21,199 --> 00:15:22,560 high school sweethearts that's an 337 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,000 amazing thing do we have any high school 338 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,800 sweethearts out here tonight 339 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,120 wow look at this good for you how 340 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:30,720 awesome is that everybody you know what 341 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:31,600 i mean 342 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,759 it's great i mean two people who meet 343 00:15:33,759 --> 00:15:36,240 each other and both of them know right 344 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:37,519 away 345 00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:40,639 that they can't do any better 346 00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:45,720 i mean 347 00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:48,480 [Applause] 348 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,199 i mean there's nothing that says love 349 00:15:51,199 --> 00:15:55,990 like fear 350 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,240 but look here's my point everybody it's 351 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:01,279 too young to get married at 13 and 14 352 00:16:01,279 --> 00:16:04,079 and 16 even 18. i even think even 21 is 353 00:16:04,079 --> 00:16:05,360 too young 354 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,880 you don't know what you want when you're 355 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,320 that age now i don't know if anybody saw 356 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:09,839 this story on good morning america there 357 00:16:09,839 --> 00:16:12,959 was a 100 year old man marrying a 103 358 00:16:12,959 --> 00:16:15,920 year old woman now at 100 359 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,839 and 103 360 00:16:17,839 --> 00:16:22,069 you know what you want 361 00:16:22,079 --> 00:16:23,759 you want someone if you don't wake up in 362 00:16:23,759 --> 00:16:25,040 the morning they pick up the phone and 363 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,040 make a call am i right 364 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,800 you don't want a soul mate you want a 365 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:36,629 spotter 366 00:16:36,639 --> 00:16:39,279 but would you even if you were 100 would 367 00:16:39,279 --> 00:16:41,440 you even bother getting married 368 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,480 wouldn't you just date 369 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,079 you know why don't we just date you know 370 00:16:46,079 --> 00:16:48,079 i'm not going anywhere 371 00:16:48,079 --> 00:16:50,480 you're not going anywhere there's no 372 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:58,949 ramp on this place 373 00:16:58,959 --> 00:17:00,720 i mean are you worried are you worried 374 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,440 people are going to judge you 375 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,360 were they living together before they 376 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:07,760 got married 377 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:16,870 yeah they were assisted living together 378 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,319 so they interviewed this guy and they 379 00:17:18,319 --> 00:17:19,760 asked him 380 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,360 what their favorite thing to do together 381 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:23,439 was right he got all blushed you know he 382 00:17:23,439 --> 00:17:25,360 got all embarrassed he's like 383 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:31,430 i don't know if i can talk about that 384 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,390 wait a second 385 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,120 is he implying that they're fooling 386 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,240 around 387 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,480 in their hundreds 388 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,799 my wife and i just turned 50. we're 389 00:17:42,799 --> 00:17:48,150 almost done 390 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:51,679 i think every time could be the last 391 00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:53,280 i don't know how many more she's got in 392 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,470 her i gotta be honest 393 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,160 they say you always remember your first 394 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,679 you probably always remember your last 395 00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:00,720 two 396 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,679 nine years ago tomorrow 397 00:18:03,679 --> 00:18:06,799 it was raining that day 398 00:18:06,799 --> 00:18:10,470 i went to the bank 399 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,559 seriously my wife i mean i don't know i 400 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:13,280 mean 401 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,280 just recently i'm laying in bed with her 402 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,520 and i just i just put my hand on her 403 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,520 hand and i just kind of like looked at 404 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:20,960 her she goes 405 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:30,549 i think i have a concussion 406 00:18:30,559 --> 00:18:34,789 you had to go right to concussion 407 00:18:34,799 --> 00:18:36,320 right you couldn't say a headache like 408 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,320 you had to be like an nfl linebacker at 409 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,400 cte 410 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,160 what kind of scumbag would i be trying 411 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,520 to put the moves on my wife if she's in 412 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:48,230 concussion protocol 413 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:49,600 i mean that just shuts the door 414 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,840 completely i mean that's better than the 415 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,840 covert excuse 416 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,520 right guys if your woman's like i think 417 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,039 i have coveted you know what i probably 418 00:18:57,039 --> 00:19:09,510 already got it let's light the candles 419 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,520 i've been with my wife now for 27 years 420 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:12,960 i've been with my wife 421 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,710 27 years yeah 422 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,400 and you know what we like to do you know 423 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,000 what we like to do on our date night to 424 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,240 watch tv like to stay in and watch tv 425 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:25,520 you know we watch we watch dateline 426 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,520 2020 427 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:31,280 48 hours unsolved mysteries 428 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,280 i realize on our date night we like to 429 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,520 watch shows about spouses killing each 430 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,669 other 431 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:43,510 we can't get enough of it 432 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:44,880 i like to take notes throughout the 433 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,360 whole thing 434 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:48,880 it's like what are you writing you don't 435 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,720 increase the life insurance right before 436 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,390 that's the first thing they look at 437 00:19:54,400 --> 00:20:02,710 try decreasing it throw off the cops 438 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,000 and that was 439 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,480 before coven right people now were like 440 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,400 people now were like did you guys get 441 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,159 closer during covet yeah closer to 442 00:20:10,159 --> 00:20:11,760 killing each other 443 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:12,880 okay 444 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,559 it is not normal at year 25 to be stuck 445 00:20:16,559 --> 00:20:21,200 in a mandatory lockdown 365 24 7. 446 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,200 right it's like dog years one covert 447 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,200 year is like seven regular years am i 448 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,070 right 449 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,600 and she's worried she's still working 450 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,039 from home it's like she never worked 451 00:20:31,039 --> 00:20:32,640 from home now she's working home both of 452 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,080 your home and you're not used to that i 453 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:39,120 mean even tom brady only made it 40 days 454 00:20:39,130 --> 00:20:47,669 [Applause] 455 00:20:47,679 --> 00:20:49,679 and he's living with a supermodel from 456 00:20:49,679 --> 00:20:52,080 brazil 457 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,240 i'm living with a super ball buster from 458 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,780 tewksbury massachusetts 459 00:20:57,780 --> 00:21:04,960 [Applause] 460 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,520 what chance do i have 461 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,280 oh my gosh she's always on me about 462 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,799 something out of the blue she hits me 463 00:21:10,799 --> 00:21:12,640 with this she's like oh 464 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,480 that noise 465 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,560 i'm like what she's like you're chewing 466 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:19,360 [Applause] 467 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,679 when did this start 468 00:21:21,679 --> 00:21:23,520 yeah anyone else in a relationship where 469 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,200 you can't chew near your significant 470 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,320 other 471 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,880 yeah it's a very enjoyable existence 472 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:30,720 isn't it where you can't eat one of the 473 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,400 things you need to survive you can't do 474 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,240 in front of the one you love oh we're 475 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,679 best friends really i can't even eat in 476 00:21:35,679 --> 00:21:39,270 the same room as you 477 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,240 but she told me it's an ocd condition 478 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,679 it's a real thing 479 00:21:43,679 --> 00:21:45,840 she showed me ocd online is it called 480 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,919 misophonia yeah 481 00:21:47,919 --> 00:21:49,520 first of all it's got the word phony 482 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,039 right in it all right that's first of 483 00:21:51,039 --> 00:21:53,360 all but she showed me and i read it and 484 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:54,720 it's you know it's triggered by the 485 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,880 sounds of chewing kind of tree and i go 486 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:59,039 well what about when the kids chew she's 487 00:21:59,039 --> 00:22:03,430 like oh that doesn't bother me 488 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:06,640 so you have selective misophonia 489 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,760 i think you have me so tired of you 490 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:14,070 it's not me silfodia it's me 491 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,400 one night she's like oh that noise i'm 492 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,760 like what now she's like you're 493 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:21,909 breathing 494 00:22:21,919 --> 00:22:23,679 i used to have a woman that wanted me to 495 00:22:23,679 --> 00:22:25,440 have a woman that wants me to not be 496 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,149 breathing 497 00:22:28,159 --> 00:22:29,919 when we fool around i gotta hold my 498 00:22:29,919 --> 00:22:31,679 breath the whole time 499 00:22:31,679 --> 00:22:35,270 just so i don't ruin it for 500 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:43,830 luckily i can hold it long enough 501 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,420 and i have asthma 502 00:22:47,430 --> 00:22:50,710 [Applause] 503 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:57,510 i know it's impressive 504 00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:59,760 so we're home all the time right she's 505 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:01,600 home i'm home and she this happens all 506 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:02,880 the time i'll go in the other room to go 507 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,080 see it you scared me 508 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,240 i'm like how did i scare you you know 509 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:09,360 i'm home 510 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,640 you think someone climbed through the 511 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:12,320 window choked me out with a rope that 512 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,280 coming in to get you 513 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,039 now i gotta send her a warning text i'm 514 00:23:17,039 --> 00:23:20,789 on my way like heads up 515 00:23:20,799 --> 00:23:22,400 she's like how far out are you 20 516 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,760 seconds i'm in the other room i don't 517 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,360 want you to freak out on me i don't want 518 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:32,789 to scare you 519 00:23:32,799 --> 00:23:34,480 and here's the thing 520 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,880 she's staying remote she's staying 521 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,720 remote she said my company decided we're 522 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,640 gonna stay remote i'm like 523 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,510 for how long 524 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,240 she's like forever 525 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,480 forever 526 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,080 she's like yeah they can save money on 527 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,000 office space can i help chip in for 528 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,360 office space 529 00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:56,400 i'll start a gofundme page 530 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,480 i'll do a bake sale whatever i got to do 531 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,789 i mean 532 00:24:00,799 --> 00:24:02,640 i mean look how do i say this without it 533 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,240 coming out wrong if i knew covert was 534 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:05,440 going to happen i don't think i would 535 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,950 have married my wife i mean 536 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,159 i think i would have married like a 537 00:24:10,159 --> 00:24:12,159 hairdresser somebody who could have been 538 00:24:12,159 --> 00:24:14,480 a benefit in a lockdown right 539 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,799 or an hvac person how cool would that be 540 00:24:16,799 --> 00:24:19,520 hvac heating and cooling 541 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:20,880 man 542 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,960 how cool would that be 543 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,120 not only is she not like an hvac person 544 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:26,240 or something cool like that you want to 545 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:29,279 know what she does for work hr 546 00:24:29,279 --> 00:24:30,960 human resources 547 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,440 the absolute worst job 548 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:37,430 for a comedian to be married to 549 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,640 every joke i bounce off her she's like 550 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:44,330 i don't know about that 551 00:24:44,330 --> 00:24:46,720 [Applause] 552 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,600 you can't say that anymore i wouldn't go 553 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,320 there that's a hot button issue that's 554 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,480 going to offend somebody i'm like ah she 555 00:24:54,480 --> 00:25:05,830 can't even fix a furnace 556 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,279 so she's working from home i tried to 557 00:25:07,279 --> 00:25:08,480 flirt with her one day right i'm 558 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:09,360 flirting with she's like that's 559 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:18,310 harassment in the workplace 560 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,120 look this is what happened sir 561 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:22,960 i was folding the laundry okay i saw a 562 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,799 pair of her black underwear in the pile 563 00:25:24,799 --> 00:25:26,240 right and i'm like oh did you get a new 564 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,320 pair of sexy underwear for our weekend 565 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:29,600 away this weekend are you gonna wear 566 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,120 these and i kind of like slingshot of 567 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:32,159 the matter you know what i mean i hit 568 00:25:32,159 --> 00:25:33,360 her in the face i didn't mean hair to 569 00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:34,799 the face but you know what 570 00:25:34,799 --> 00:25:48,950 she's like that's a mask 571 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,640 well if you're aware but that mask is 572 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:57,669 hotter than your underwear 573 00:25:57,679 --> 00:25:59,360 and that pile that mask looks like a 574 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,520 g-string i mean 575 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,200 i mean your underwear looks like a dish 576 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:08,390 towel 577 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:18,950 just say it it's a lot of linen 578 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,880 but it's fine i get it i want her to be 579 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:22,480 comfy you know we're all getting older 580 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,559 you want to be comfy you know like when 581 00:26:24,559 --> 00:26:26,400 we go down to the beach you know my wife 582 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,640 walks around in her two-piece 583 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:30,480 a one-piece with a shirt over it down to 584 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:33,430 her knees 585 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:34,720 she goes in the water i'm like it looks 586 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:40,870 like you fell out of a boat 587 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:42,400 it's like forget free the nipple free 588 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:46,950 the knee how about that 589 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,640 it's hard to make my wife laugh you know 590 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:49,919 i tried to make her laugh we went to the 591 00:26:49,919 --> 00:26:51,919 beach one day so i thought it'd be funny 592 00:26:51,919 --> 00:26:54,480 if i wore a speedo 593 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,520 yeah that backfired 594 00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,200 let's just say there's a reason that's a 595 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,200 french-canadian thing and not an irish 596 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:07,029 canadian thing all right 597 00:27:07,039 --> 00:27:08,720 went to get a coffee the guy behind the 598 00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,799 counter asked what my preferred pronoun 599 00:27:10,799 --> 00:27:13,670 was 600 00:27:13,670 --> 00:27:22,149 [Applause] 601 00:27:22,159 --> 00:27:26,070 i said he 602 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:35,990 he goes you sure about that 603 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,799 and by the way let me just say okay 604 00:27:38,799 --> 00:27:40,480 i have two boys and people ask me you 605 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:41,760 know people have asked me that you have 606 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:43,200 two boys if one of them wanted to change 607 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:45,520 their pronoun and be they instead of he 608 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:46,960 how how would you feel about that i'm 609 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,520 like i am completely fine with that as 610 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:53,190 long as they shovel 611 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:54,960 they mow the lawn 612 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,640 they do the stuff around the house more 613 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,669 power to them 614 00:27:59,679 --> 00:28:01,840 that's a pro pronoun joke okay i can't 615 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,520 get canceled for that i got the 616 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:07,120 clearance from hr on that one 617 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:16,399 [Applause] 618 00:28:16,399 --> 00:28:19,120 because it never ends 619 00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:20,640 she's always telling me about the latest 620 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,720 stuff it's getting ridiculous i mean she 621 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:24,080 comes in one day and she tells me about 622 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,640 this university that wants to stop using 623 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,279 the terms mother and father and wants to 624 00:28:29,279 --> 00:28:31,200 start calling dads 625 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,640 non-birthing parents 626 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:35,440 what 627 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,679 how is that neutral first of all that's 628 00:28:37,679 --> 00:28:40,159 name calling 629 00:28:40,159 --> 00:28:41,919 why don't you just go with no good do 630 00:28:41,919 --> 00:28:44,240 nothing piece of dads 631 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:47,440 this right dad kick us right in the nuts 632 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:50,159 why hold back 633 00:28:50,159 --> 00:28:51,840 i mean come on ladies we had something 634 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:53,760 to do with the birth 635 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:55,760 you're non-penetrating parents how do 636 00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:58,000 you like that huh 637 00:28:58,000 --> 00:28:59,440 i'm just saying 638 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:02,080 you're gonna be you want a name call 639 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:05,360 your npps non-penetrating parents you 640 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:06,960 did nothing you just laid there all 641 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:08,880 right we know what you did 642 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:10,399 okay 643 00:29:10,399 --> 00:29:11,360 no 644 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:14,159 it doesn't feel good to call names 645 00:29:14,159 --> 00:29:21,350 we don't need to resort to that 646 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:22,960 we don't need to resort to that look at 647 00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:24,080 uh but i don't know why you're going 648 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:25,440 after the dads i wouldn't go after the 649 00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,120 mothers i mean look my kid makes 650 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:29,120 computers he builds computers he needs a 651 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,360 new motherboard it's the most important 652 00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:32,880 part of the whole computer it runs the 653 00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:35,039 whole thing it's the brains i'm not like 654 00:29:35,039 --> 00:29:38,789 that should be the father boy 655 00:29:38,799 --> 00:29:41,200 that's your thing ladies take it own it 656 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:44,630 it's you good 657 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:46,240 the mothership 658 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:48,000 is that not the best ship 659 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:49,039 everyone wants to get back to the 660 00:29:49,039 --> 00:29:50,720 mothership it's the best ship it's the 661 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:51,840 mother show like that should be the 662 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:55,520 fathership no that's yours 663 00:29:55,520 --> 00:30:03,750 herpes i'm like that should be his ps 664 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:05,919 own it love it 665 00:30:05,919 --> 00:30:10,070 spread it 666 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:24,789 you be you 667 00:30:24,799 --> 00:30:26,399 but it's not easy everybody out there 668 00:30:26,399 --> 00:30:27,600 i'm telling you i'm trying to be 669 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:29,200 positive look on the bright side more 670 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:30,399 that's what i'm trying to do i mean 671 00:30:30,399 --> 00:30:32,640 getting old's tough i mean my wife 672 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:35,039 starting to go through these hot flashes 673 00:30:35,039 --> 00:30:36,880 yeah she has these flashes where she 674 00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:44,220 looks hot 675 00:30:44,230 --> 00:30:44,910 [Applause] 676 00:30:44,910 --> 00:30:54,789 [Music] 677 00:30:54,799 --> 00:30:56,640 we're getting old stuff i see i see you 678 00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:57,919 out here we got some people out there 679 00:30:57,919 --> 00:30:59,440 that have lived a few years on the 680 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:00,880 planet 681 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,669 yeah 682 00:31:03,679 --> 00:31:05,679 anybody at that age where when stuff 683 00:31:05,679 --> 00:31:07,519 breaks like appliances and stuff at the 684 00:31:07,519 --> 00:31:08,880 house when it breaks you do that 685 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:11,200 calculation as to how many more you have 686 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:15,750 to buy before you die you ever do that 687 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:17,360 that's the bright side of being in your 688 00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:19,120 50s if you've got to get a new roof it's 689 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:20,559 probably the last one you ever have to 690 00:31:20,559 --> 00:31:24,149 get 691 00:31:24,159 --> 00:31:26,159 i figure i got three fridges two water 692 00:31:26,159 --> 00:31:38,070 heaters and one roof and i'm done 693 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:40,240 i miss my 20s though man we have any 694 00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:41,360 20-somethings out there where am i 695 00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:42,390 20-somethings at 696 00:31:42,390 --> 00:31:44,159 [Music] 697 00:31:44,159 --> 00:31:46,080 yeah how annoying are they right you all 698 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,080 you all thought the same thing right 699 00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:50,559 you're immediately envious of them 700 00:31:50,559 --> 00:31:52,240 you know what it is though we all know 701 00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:54,320 what it's like to be them 702 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:57,279 they have no idea what it's like to be 703 00:31:57,279 --> 00:31:58,880 us 704 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:02,070 enjoy it 705 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:07,110 hope you're having fun 706 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:08,960 i could remember being in my 20s going 707 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:10,799 out with friends on the weekend and we'd 708 00:32:10,799 --> 00:32:12,159 go out drinking it would always this 709 00:32:12,159 --> 00:32:13,679 conversation would always come up it'd 710 00:32:13,679 --> 00:32:14,799 always be like 711 00:32:14,799 --> 00:32:17,440 is it beer before liquor 712 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:19,840 never been sicker liquor before beer 713 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:23,519 you're in the clear what is it again 714 00:32:23,519 --> 00:32:25,039 this was me with that same friend not 715 00:32:25,039 --> 00:32:28,480 long ago is it if you've had chickenpox 716 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,279 you can get shingles 717 00:32:31,279 --> 00:32:34,870 well you can't get shingles 718 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:41,029 what is it again 719 00:32:41,039 --> 00:32:46,389 are we going to get shingles 720 00:32:46,399 --> 00:32:48,480 sounds horrible 721 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:50,159 right of all the things to name 722 00:32:50,159 --> 00:32:52,080 something from a house 723 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:54,840 you use shingles it's got to be the 724 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,200 worst but then i got thinking of it none 725 00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:58,480 of it sounds good right if you're 726 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:00,159 diagnosed with right shutters that 727 00:33:00,159 --> 00:33:03,269 doesn't sound better 728 00:33:03,279 --> 00:33:07,509 you're about steve he's got shutters 729 00:33:07,519 --> 00:33:09,360 really yeah 730 00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,360 it's gonna be out for two weeks 731 00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:14,710 with shutters 732 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,350 poor guy 733 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:19,840 none of it sounds good porch that 734 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:21,600 doesn't sound good 735 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:26,549 hear about jason he's got porch 736 00:33:26,559 --> 00:33:27,760 really 737 00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:33,110 front porch or back porch 738 00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:36,720 he's got both front porch and back 739 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:42,070 he's got wrap around porch 740 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:46,389 you don't want to go nearer 741 00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:48,399 how long is it supposed to last three 742 00:33:48,399 --> 00:33:58,950 could be four seasons 743 00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,519 not if it sounds good garage 744 00:34:01,519 --> 00:34:02,880 right if you heard someone die you know 745 00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:07,440 hey hear about jeff he's got garage 746 00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:09,280 is it bad is it still attached no 747 00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:11,440 detached 748 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:14,320 it's got detached garage 749 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:17,829 broke off of his mud room 750 00:34:17,839 --> 00:34:28,149 can't even sit down 751 00:34:28,159 --> 00:34:33,109 so i guess we'll stick with shingles 752 00:34:33,119 --> 00:34:34,639 but you 20-somethings you don't even 753 00:34:34,639 --> 00:34:36,399 know you see a sign at walgreens we now 754 00:34:36,399 --> 00:34:38,000 have shingle shots you think it's a 755 00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:41,190 drink 756 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:42,639 you're like we should do some shingle 757 00:34:42,639 --> 00:34:45,040 shots tonight i see him everywhere 758 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:46,560 we'll put him in a red bull we'll do an 759 00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:51,109 all-nighter 760 00:34:51,119 --> 00:34:53,359 we'll stay out till last call 761 00:34:53,359 --> 00:34:55,200 that's what they do they sell to last 762 00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:58,160 call you remember last call 763 00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:01,040 it's like two in the morning 764 00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:03,520 if i'm awake at two in the morning 765 00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:05,440 that's hopefully the last time i had to 766 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:09,160 get up and take a piss for the night 767 00:35:09,170 --> 00:35:14,550 [Applause] 768 00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:17,040 last call for alcohol not in my house 769 00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:21,110 last piss hope i don't miss 770 00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:22,640 [Applause] 771 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,400 i'm not turning the lights on i'll never 772 00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:35,430 get back to sleep 773 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:37,440 i had these 774 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:39,119 i had these 20-somethings after a show 775 00:35:39,119 --> 00:35:40,240 once they come up to me like hey you 776 00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:43,599 want to funnel a beer with us 777 00:35:43,599 --> 00:35:46,000 like funnel a beer with you 778 00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:47,680 no 779 00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:50,640 think i would die i think i'd drowned 780 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,000 i can't all of a sudden funnel a beer 781 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:53,760 after 30 years 782 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:55,680 got acid reflux that's coming up it's 783 00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:57,359 going down i mean 784 00:35:57,359 --> 00:36:01,589 what are you kidding me 785 00:36:01,599 --> 00:36:02,800 i'm like you know how long it's been 786 00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:04,240 since i thought i've even tried a funnel 787 00:36:04,240 --> 00:36:05,520 of beers like we were funneling beer 788 00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:07,280 last weekend you know what i did last 789 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:08,560 weekend 790 00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:10,880 a neti pot 791 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,480 okay 792 00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,560 oh try that you ever try that 20 793 00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:18,320 somethings the nasal irrigation rinse 794 00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:25,270 that's a party on a saturday night 795 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:26,720 oh yeah 796 00:36:26,720 --> 00:36:28,640 gotta go get the little teapot with a 797 00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:30,720 little saline packet 798 00:36:30,720 --> 00:36:32,480 gotta get the distilled water because it 799 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:34,240 can't be tap water get that brainy 800 00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:38,829 amiibo that'll take you 801 00:36:38,839 --> 00:36:41,680 out you lean over the sink right you mix 802 00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:43,440 it up you put one thing in one nostril 803 00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:45,520 you put it up it goes up into your brain 804 00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:46,880 and comes down the other side it's like 805 00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:48,400 waterboarding for all people is it not 806 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:49,680 the weird 807 00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:50,960 it's called i didn't know it was all 808 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:55,829 connected 809 00:36:55,839 --> 00:36:59,520 you've got to try it 20 somethings 810 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,480 put beer in it if you want 811 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:08,630 yeah 812 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:15,589 make it make it the natty pot 813 00:37:15,599 --> 00:37:19,510 the natty pot challenge 814 00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:20,720 that's all you have to do with these 815 00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:22,079 young people now just put the word 816 00:37:22,079 --> 00:37:24,160 challenge behind it 817 00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:25,920 the kids are great but kids reach that 818 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,359 age i'll never forget there'll be that 819 00:37:27,359 --> 00:37:29,440 one moment where they go from that cute 820 00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:32,000 toddler innocent sweet child something 821 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:33,359 just happens well i'll never forget it 822 00:37:33,359 --> 00:37:35,680 with my seven seven-year-old my boy was 823 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:37,760 seven i was tucking him into bed okay 824 00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:39,119 i would always do this little rhyme game 825 00:37:39,119 --> 00:37:41,599 with him like buddy i love you more than 826 00:37:41,599 --> 00:37:43,839 planes trains and cranes and he'd look 827 00:37:43,839 --> 00:37:45,680 at me and go like i love you more than 828 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:46,880 boats 829 00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:49,440 goats and floats you know i looked up so 830 00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:50,720 one night i'm talking about he's seven 831 00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:52,400 years old i'm like buddy i love you more 832 00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:55,440 than stars mars and cars he looks up at 833 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:56,560 me goes 834 00:37:56,560 --> 00:38:04,510 i love you more than my balls 835 00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:07,680 [Applause] 836 00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:11,270 where did that come from 837 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:12,960 i'm like that's not a nice way to talk 838 00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,800 to your dad at least i have balls unlike 839 00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:17,839 you right dad i'm like 840 00:38:17,839 --> 00:38:21,109 did he get that from 841 00:38:21,119 --> 00:38:22,640 i think he's listening to his mother 842 00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:25,920 talk on the phone with her girlfriends 843 00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:38,950 [Applause] 844 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:40,320 things will happen my kids will do 845 00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:41,680 things and i just imagine what it would 846 00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:42,960 have been like in my childhood it just 847 00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:44,640 it's a whole different time 848 00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:46,240 when my boy was in fourth grade i got a 849 00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:48,480 call from the nurse's office 850 00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:49,839 it's like we've got you know we've got 851 00:38:49,839 --> 00:38:51,920 jack down here he um 852 00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:53,359 he's at the nurse's office i'm like is 853 00:38:53,359 --> 00:38:56,000 he okay yeah um he wants to know if you 854 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,720 know he spilled some milk on his pants 855 00:38:58,720 --> 00:38:59,760 first of all i'm like he's at the 856 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:01,200 nurse's office 857 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,520 is he feeling sour i mean what why is he 858 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:06,550 at the nurse 859 00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:07,599 he wants to know if you'll bring him 860 00:39:07,599 --> 00:39:09,920 down another pair of pants if i called 861 00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:12,790 my dad 862 00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:14,720 and asked him to bring me down another 863 00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:16,640 pair of pants because i spilt milk on 864 00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:19,119 him he would show up without his pants 865 00:39:19,119 --> 00:39:25,190 i guarantee it 866 00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:26,800 he would have 867 00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:28,400 been like i couldn't find your pants big 868 00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:32,640 guy mine either don't bother me again 869 00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:34,320 i could remember being in the elementary 870 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:36,160 school nurse's office when she called my 871 00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,320 dad it was on speakerphone my dad 872 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:40,640 treated that school nurse 873 00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:48,150 like she was a telemarketer 874 00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:49,680 she's like yeah we got justin down here 875 00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:51,119 he's got a little bit of a temp he's 876 00:39:51,119 --> 00:39:53,280 really not feeling well 877 00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:54,720 look 878 00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:58,390 i don't know how you got this number 879 00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:01,040 but i'm not interested 880 00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:02,400 don't call her anymore and take me off 881 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:08,550 that list click 882 00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:09,760 she's like do you think i called the 883 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:11,760 wrong number no that was my dad he does 884 00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:14,069 not 885 00:40:14,079 --> 00:40:17,910 does not like lists 886 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:18,960 and i had a little bit of a 887 00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,680 dysfunctional childhood i i i don't know 888 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:22,800 how many people anybody have a little 889 00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:24,480 bit of a dysfunctional childhood growing 890 00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:27,200 up a little bit all right 891 00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:29,680 so basically i uh i was born in 892 00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:32,480 portsmouth new hampshire and when i yeah 893 00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:34,240 thank you portsmouth all right and when 894 00:40:34,240 --> 00:40:37,040 i was six years old my mom passed away 895 00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:39,359 so my mom's sister moved in to help you 896 00:40:39,359 --> 00:40:41,760 know take care of us kids and apparently 897 00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:43,520 take care of my dad if you know what i 898 00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,400 mean yeah they ended up in the same bed 899 00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:47,920 exactly yes 900 00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:50,160 very normal right 901 00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:51,520 she brought 902 00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:53,520 two of her kids so in this one house in 903 00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:56,720 portsmouth there was a dad and aunt two 904 00:40:56,720 --> 00:40:59,440 cousins and four brothers 905 00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:01,200 that's when they said we really should 906 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:03,599 be in maine 907 00:41:03,599 --> 00:41:05,200 okay 908 00:41:05,200 --> 00:41:12,230 yeah 909 00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:14,480 so when i got out of the fifth grade 910 00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:16,560 we packed up the u-haul and we headed 911 00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:18,079 north 912 00:41:18,079 --> 00:41:20,800 to a town called kittery maine 913 00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:22,640 two miles away 914 00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:25,040 it was right over the bridge it was two 915 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:27,040 miles from my old house to my new house 916 00:41:27,040 --> 00:41:29,280 it was the first house on the left as 917 00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:31,040 you crossed over interstate 95 in the 918 00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:32,400 main it was the first house on the left 919 00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:34,800 now i know maine people make fun of it 920 00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:36,640 and all that but when the first house in 921 00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:39,440 maine has a dad and aunt two cousins and 922 00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:41,839 four brothers that's not a great look 923 00:41:41,839 --> 00:41:43,440 that's not northern maine that's the 924 00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:51,910 southern tip that's the first house 925 00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:53,599 and i said to my dad i'm like dad you 926 00:41:53,599 --> 00:41:55,599 and i wanted so like in the same bed 927 00:41:55,599 --> 00:41:57,680 he's like look on the bright side if i'm 928 00:41:57,680 --> 00:41:59,040 gonna end up with one of your aunts 929 00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:10,870 better your mom's sister than my sister 930 00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:20,309 this is the last time we talked about it 931 00:42:20,319 --> 00:42:22,240 and my grandfather lived with us so 932 00:42:22,240 --> 00:42:24,079 there were nine of us 933 00:42:24,079 --> 00:42:27,359 nine of us in a three bedroom one bath 934 00:42:27,359 --> 00:42:28,880 yeah because my grandfather he got 935 00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:30,079 divorced from my grandmother my 936 00:42:30,079 --> 00:42:32,160 grandmother was married five times my 937 00:42:32,160 --> 00:42:36,079 grandfather was her first and fourth 938 00:42:36,079 --> 00:42:37,280 yeah 939 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:38,880 yeah imagine that so they get divorced 940 00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:40,720 she took half his stuff 941 00:42:40,720 --> 00:42:42,400 came back and took half of his other 942 00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,160 half 943 00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:47,910 she got three quarters 944 00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:49,920 that first divorce she's thinking i 945 00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:51,200 can't believe you're taking half my 946 00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:52,560 stuff she's like oh you wait i'll be 947 00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,319 back 948 00:42:54,319 --> 00:43:01,190 i'm not done with you 949 00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:04,000 so my grandfather you know died broke 950 00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:05,839 you know my dad's got nothing but listen 951 00:43:05,839 --> 00:43:07,680 to me this is what i'm trying to say 952 00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:09,119 there's the bright side of not being 953 00:43:09,119 --> 00:43:11,359 super rich okay be happy that you're not 954 00:43:11,359 --> 00:43:13,040 super rich you don't have a place like 955 00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:15,599 on the ocean a place in florida place up 956 00:43:15,599 --> 00:43:17,280 on winnipesaukee because i'm just when 957 00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:19,599 you get up in your 80s and 90s i'm not 958 00:43:19,599 --> 00:43:21,599 saying your family wants you to die but 959 00:43:21,599 --> 00:43:22,640 they're thinking about how they're 960 00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:24,079 splitting up all that when you do 961 00:43:24,079 --> 00:43:26,240 am i right 962 00:43:26,240 --> 00:43:28,880 my dad's got nothing when my dad goes we 963 00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:31,280 gotta pay for the funeral the burial we 964 00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:34,400 want my dad to live forever 965 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:36,000 we're like daddy you taking care of 966 00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,079 yourself we can't afford to lose you 967 00:43:38,079 --> 00:43:40,240 right now 968 00:43:40,240 --> 00:43:43,359 we just put a new deck on the house 969 00:43:43,359 --> 00:43:44,560 if you go now we're going to put you 970 00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:46,800 under the deck till spring 971 00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:48,319 no pressure 972 00:43:48,319 --> 00:43:55,589 take your vitamins we need you here 973 00:43:55,599 --> 00:43:57,920 and my dad's an amazing story my dad was 974 00:43:57,920 --> 00:43:59,599 for many years was a homeless alcoholic 975 00:43:59,599 --> 00:44:02,079 but he'll be sober 15 years on april 1st 976 00:44:02,079 --> 00:44:08,309 15 years sober yeah 977 00:44:08,319 --> 00:44:10,160 so proud of my dad i'm so proud of him 978 00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:12,560 but he actually spent time living in the 979 00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:14,000 toilet 980 00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:16,480 didn't live in the toilet 981 00:44:16,480 --> 00:44:18,160 that would have been really bad he lived 982 00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:20,000 in the the restroom at the parking 983 00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:21,839 garage in portsmouth new hampshire and 984 00:44:21,839 --> 00:44:23,599 he used to he was always positive then 985 00:44:23,599 --> 00:44:24,720 he's like on the bright side i got a 986 00:44:24,720 --> 00:44:27,119 place with a 400 car garage 987 00:44:27,119 --> 00:44:31,750 but 988 00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:36,470 but here's my point 989 00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,640 you all want your kids to have the life 990 00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:40,160 you never had but i'd like them to have 991 00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:42,720 the life i had just for like a week just 992 00:44:42,720 --> 00:44:44,319 you know what i mean just so they 993 00:44:44,319 --> 00:44:45,920 appreciate it 994 00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:47,119 you know 995 00:44:47,119 --> 00:44:51,119 they have no clue they talk a good talk 996 00:44:51,119 --> 00:44:53,680 they come in one day they're like dad 997 00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:56,640 we want bunk beds 998 00:44:56,640 --> 00:45:02,829 i'm like you have your own 999 00:45:02,839 --> 00:45:04,960 rooms i think yeah but we want it for 1000 00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:06,720 like when we have sleepovers you you 1001 00:45:06,720 --> 00:45:08,960 want a guest bed in your room it's not 1002 00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:11,119 happening it's like so we can't get bunk 1003 00:45:11,119 --> 00:45:13,520 beds if anyone's getting bunk beds 1004 00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:16,160 it's your mother and i 1005 00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:17,200 yeah 1006 00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:19,520 i'm trying to talk her into it yeah 1007 00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:21,119 because apparently i snore do you have 1008 00:45:21,119 --> 00:45:22,880 any snorers out there 1009 00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:25,359 yeah over here you snore yeah yeah so i 1010 00:45:25,359 --> 00:45:27,520 so so this is me okay every night okay 1011 00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:29,280 right when i lay right when i right when 1012 00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:31,040 i fall asleep okay i put my head down on 1013 00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:33,040 the pillow right and and by the way you 1014 00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:34,800 20 somethings don't understand this yet 1015 00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:36,800 but you will reach an age 1016 00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:39,359 where going to bed at night is the best 1017 00:45:39,359 --> 00:45:42,079 part of your life 1018 00:45:42,079 --> 00:45:42,960 right 1019 00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:44,160 yeah 1020 00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:45,839 it's one of the few things you have to 1021 00:45:45,839 --> 00:45:47,680 look forward to 1022 00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:48,720 right 1023 00:45:48,720 --> 00:45:50,240 your head hits that pillow you're like 1024 00:45:50,240 --> 00:45:52,870 oh 1025 00:45:52,880 --> 00:45:55,599 put that show behind me 1026 00:45:55,599 --> 00:46:00,230 we'll start fresh in the morning 1027 00:46:00,240 --> 00:46:02,319 right is there anything better 1028 00:46:02,319 --> 00:46:03,440 some of you look like you're already 1029 00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:06,870 thinking about it now 1030 00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:16,470 like how long is this guy doing 1031 00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:18,000 so right 1032 00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:19,920 right when i right when i fall asleep i 1033 00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:21,760 get into that beautiful that rem sleep 1034 00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:23,280 right that beautiful it's 1035 00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:24,960 nothing better right when i fall asleep 1036 00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:27,680 all sudden i feel my wife's arms like 1037 00:46:27,680 --> 00:46:33,270 you're snoring i'm like 1038 00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:35,520 she's like try sleeping on your side i'm 1039 00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:36,560 like oh 1040 00:46:36,560 --> 00:46:37,760 okay 1041 00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:40,079 okay just don't hit me again 1042 00:46:40,079 --> 00:46:43,520 i'll sleep on my side 1043 00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:44,300 okay 1044 00:46:44,300 --> 00:46:45,599 [Music] 1045 00:46:45,599 --> 00:46:47,520 okay right right when i fall asleep 1046 00:46:47,520 --> 00:46:50,640 again you're snoring again oh 1047 00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:52,800 she's like try your stomach 1048 00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:55,359 oh okay i'll try 1049 00:46:55,359 --> 00:46:57,920 she you're snoring again trying now 1050 00:46:57,920 --> 00:46:59,760 you're breathing on me 1051 00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:01,200 let's see if you set up a time lapse 1052 00:47:01,200 --> 00:47:05,650 camera this is what it would look like 1053 00:47:05,660 --> 00:47:07,280 [Music] 1054 00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:11,490 1.2 miles on my fitbit 1055 00:47:11,500 --> 00:47:12,810 [Music] 1056 00:47:12,810 --> 00:47:21,109 [Applause] 1057 00:47:21,119 --> 00:47:22,640 i come down the next morning she's like 1058 00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:25,359 you look tired 1059 00:47:25,359 --> 00:47:26,480 really 1060 00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:28,880 don't look tired 1061 00:47:28,880 --> 00:47:30,640 i slept about an hour and i closed an 1062 00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:33,440 exercise right 1063 00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:35,280 my watch was like you kicked ass last 1064 00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:37,119 night keep it up 1065 00:47:37,119 --> 00:47:42,150 make it two nights in a row 1066 00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:44,000 listen to me 1067 00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:45,839 i'm snoring 1068 00:47:45,839 --> 00:47:48,400 because i have nasal polyps because i'm 1069 00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:51,119 allergic to the dogs she has the dog 1070 00:47:51,119 --> 00:47:53,119 sleeping on the bed 1071 00:47:53,119 --> 00:47:55,359 let me have the top bunk the dogs can't 1072 00:47:55,359 --> 00:47:57,520 get me you can't hit me i'll be in 1073 00:47:57,520 --> 00:48:00,309 heaven 1074 00:48:00,319 --> 00:48:02,160 and there'll be no mixed signals if you 1075 00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:05,119 want to fool around you got to climb up 1076 00:48:05,119 --> 00:48:10,950 you know where to find me 1077 00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:12,800 could you imagine i hear her coming up 1078 00:48:12,800 --> 00:48:17,280 that ladder oh yeah it's about time 1079 00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:21,200 and she's climbing the stairway 1080 00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:27,200 to heaven 1081 00:48:27,210 --> 00:48:36,880 [Applause] 1082 00:48:36,880 --> 00:48:39,599 as far as i can go with my asthma 1083 00:48:39,599 --> 00:48:41,520 as long as i can 1084 00:48:41,520 --> 00:48:43,680 carry that too 1085 00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:46,319 my wife and i we've been uh we've 1086 00:48:46,319 --> 00:48:47,680 people ask me what our secret is because 1087 00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:48,960 we've been together for 27 years like 1088 00:48:48,960 --> 00:48:50,400 what you see here's the secret everybody 1089 00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:52,240 it's communication okay you got to 1090 00:48:52,240 --> 00:48:53,520 communicate if you don't communicate 1091 00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:55,760 find ways to communicate my wife 1092 00:48:55,760 --> 00:48:57,040 sometimes you know what she would do she 1093 00:48:57,040 --> 00:48:58,640 would communicate through my kids 1094 00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:00,559 spelling test 1095 00:49:00,559 --> 00:49:01,359 yeah 1096 00:49:01,359 --> 00:49:02,800 i remember my boy was in second grade 1097 00:49:02,800 --> 00:49:04,319 she's giving him a test she's like all 1098 00:49:04,319 --> 00:49:05,839 right are you ready 1099 00:49:05,839 --> 00:49:08,880 okay the first word is car 1100 00:49:08,880 --> 00:49:20,150 daddy got a new car mommy did not 1101 00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:22,640 she goes the next word is away daddy 1102 00:49:22,640 --> 00:49:24,720 went away last weekend and left mommy to 1103 00:49:24,720 --> 00:49:29,430 take care of the kids by herself away 1104 00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:30,559 i'm like you want to talk about 1105 00:49:30,559 --> 00:49:34,150 something 1106 00:49:34,160 --> 00:49:36,079 she's like the next word is tree i'm 1107 00:49:36,079 --> 00:49:37,920 like oh let me do this one i'll do this 1108 00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:38,960 one all right you ready buddy all right 1109 00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:40,559 let me do this one you ready all right 1110 00:49:40,559 --> 00:49:41,839 here we go 1111 00:49:41,839 --> 00:49:42,880 tree 1112 00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:44,880 mommy needs to stop bitching about 1113 00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:49,590 everything tree 1114 00:49:49,600 --> 00:49:54,720 [Applause] 1115 00:49:54,720 --> 00:50:05,190 it was a good talk it was a good talk 1116 00:50:05,200 --> 00:50:06,960 i said to my wife one day i said i had a 1117 00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:08,880 dream that you left me she's like i'm 1118 00:50:08,880 --> 00:50:10,880 not gonna leave you i'm like i know i 1119 00:50:10,880 --> 00:50:20,390 said it was a dream 1120 00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:22,000 she's like did it wake you up in the 1121 00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:23,520 middle of the night oh no i wasn't 1122 00:50:23,520 --> 00:50:26,960 sleeping it was during the day 1123 00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:32,150 i was driving around in my new car 1124 00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:33,760 these cars are like computers and 1125 00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:35,599 computers now you gotta we gotta worry 1126 00:50:35,599 --> 00:50:36,720 about computers you gotta worry about 1127 00:50:36,720 --> 00:50:38,720 people hacking into your accounts 1128 00:50:38,720 --> 00:50:40,240 and stealing your accounts yeah i had a 1129 00:50:40,240 --> 00:50:42,079 buddy someone hacked into his account 1130 00:50:42,079 --> 00:50:43,839 let me just say this right now okay if 1131 00:50:43,839 --> 00:50:46,880 somebody hacks into my accounts i will 1132 00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:49,119 hunt them down 1133 00:50:49,119 --> 00:51:01,510 and ask them what my passwords are 1134 00:51:01,520 --> 00:51:03,119 is it not ridiculous 1135 00:51:03,119 --> 00:51:05,280 everything is the username and password 1136 00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:07,680 i gotta log into my patient portal with 1137 00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:09,359 the doctor's office right you need a 1138 00:51:09,359 --> 00:51:10,319 username and password first of all 1139 00:51:10,319 --> 00:51:11,520 before i even put in the username and 1140 00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:12,720 password 1141 00:51:12,720 --> 00:51:15,200 this thing pops up 1142 00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:16,319 it says if you're having a medical 1143 00:51:16,319 --> 00:51:19,280 emergency dial 9-1-1 immediately 1144 00:51:19,280 --> 00:51:21,119 are there people in america 1145 00:51:21,119 --> 00:51:23,599 that don't know about the whole dial 1146 00:51:23,599 --> 00:51:26,559 9-1-1 if you're having an emergency i 1147 00:51:26,559 --> 00:51:27,839 don't know if you're outside i don't 1148 00:51:27,839 --> 00:51:29,280 know using your generator and you lose 1149 00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:31,040 two fingers 1150 00:51:31,040 --> 00:51:32,000 ah 1151 00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:33,920 you're coming out she's like 1152 00:51:33,920 --> 00:51:37,910 where's my laptop 1153 00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:41,670 let's get on my patient portal 1154 00:51:41,680 --> 00:51:43,119 username 1155 00:51:43,119 --> 00:51:46,390 password 1156 00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:49,680 not a recognizable password 1157 00:51:49,680 --> 00:51:51,520 oh all caps i think it's all caps try 1158 00:51:51,520 --> 00:51:53,599 out caps 1159 00:51:53,599 --> 00:51:55,520 still not a recognizable password all 1160 00:51:55,520 --> 00:51:56,400 right 1161 00:51:56,400 --> 00:51:58,079 all right let's reset reset password 1162 00:51:58,079 --> 00:52:00,240 here we go listen all right click on the 1163 00:52:00,240 --> 00:52:02,400 link we emailed to your email on file 1164 00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:03,200 okay 1165 00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:06,079 let's let's get to that 1166 00:52:06,079 --> 00:52:07,119 okay 1167 00:52:07,119 --> 00:52:08,610 prove you're not a robot 1168 00:52:08,610 --> 00:52:12,309 [Music] 1169 00:52:12,319 --> 00:52:14,000 i'm about to bleed out in five minutes i 1170 00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:17,270 don't think a robot would do that 1171 00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:19,680 click on all images with an ambulance in 1172 00:52:19,680 --> 00:52:22,950 them 1173 00:52:22,960 --> 00:52:24,720 there's one ambulance 1174 00:52:24,720 --> 00:52:26,800 that's two ambulances oh man is that a 1175 00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:28,960 truck or an ambulance 1176 00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:33,280 damn those robots must be so smart 1177 00:52:33,280 --> 00:52:35,119 who's texting me right now someone's 1178 00:52:35,119 --> 00:52:39,270 texting me 1179 00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:40,960 someone is trying to log into your 1180 00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:45,140 account 1181 00:52:45,150 --> 00:52:49,750 [Applause] 1182 00:52:49,760 --> 00:52:51,280 if this is not you let us know 1183 00:52:51,280 --> 00:52:53,040 immediately 1184 00:52:53,040 --> 00:52:54,640 if you're having a medical emergency 1185 00:52:54,640 --> 00:52:57,280 dial 9-1-1 1186 00:52:57,280 --> 00:53:04,150 duh why didn't i think of that 1187 00:53:04,160 --> 00:53:05,920 9-1-1 what's your emergency yeah i'm 1188 00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:07,760 having trouble logging into my patient 1189 00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:13,440 portal 1190 00:53:13,450 --> 00:53:17,910 [Applause] 1191 00:53:17,920 --> 00:53:22,160 all right 1192 00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:23,760 i've got to do this patient portal all 1193 00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:26,400 the time because i i i got issues with 1194 00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:28,240 my sinuses i've had nasals or i have a 1195 00:53:28,240 --> 00:53:30,079 deviated septum i deviated septum 1196 00:53:30,079 --> 00:53:31,920 surgery and i 1197 00:53:31,920 --> 00:53:34,319 that by the way is the worst it's like i 1198 00:53:34,319 --> 00:53:36,000 asked the ent i'm like how do i deviate 1199 00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:38,319 my septum she's like well do you do 1200 00:53:38,319 --> 00:53:40,319 mixed martial arts i mean are you a 1201 00:53:40,319 --> 00:53:41,839 fighter have you ever broken your nose 1202 00:53:41,839 --> 00:53:44,720 in a fight and i'm like no 1203 00:53:44,720 --> 00:53:48,720 do i look like a fire i mean come on 1204 00:53:48,720 --> 00:53:57,910 i tore my meniscus mulching 1205 00:53:57,920 --> 00:53:59,119 she's like well then it must have 1206 00:53:59,119 --> 00:54:01,680 happened at birth 1207 00:54:01,680 --> 00:54:03,680 so basically i got into a fight with a 1208 00:54:03,680 --> 00:54:05,359 vagina 1209 00:54:05,359 --> 00:54:06,720 and lost 1210 00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:09,359 day one 1211 00:54:09,359 --> 00:54:10,880 that start of the pattern that has 1212 00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:14,160 continued to this day 1213 00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:15,200 yeah 1214 00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:17,100 that's why i don't mess with women 1215 00:54:17,100 --> 00:54:22,549 [Applause] 1216 00:54:22,559 --> 00:54:27,750 i got f'ed up 1217 00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:29,359 but i'm trying everybody to deal with 1218 00:54:29,359 --> 00:54:32,160 i'm trying i'm on the the nasal spray 1219 00:54:32,160 --> 00:54:34,480 flonase my allergies i'm on that now one 1220 00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:36,000 of the side effects 1221 00:54:36,000 --> 00:54:37,839 of flonase nasal sprays it lowers your 1222 00:54:37,839 --> 00:54:40,400 sex drive yeah i didn't know about it my 1223 00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:42,480 wife found out about it before i did the 1224 00:54:42,480 --> 00:54:44,559 way i found out i was sleeping one night 1225 00:54:44,559 --> 00:54:46,559 i woke up and caught her spraying it 1226 00:54:46,559 --> 00:54:54,670 into my nostrils while i was sleeping 1227 00:54:54,680 --> 00:55:00,630 [Laughter] 1228 00:55:00,640 --> 00:55:03,200 lowers my sex drive and stops you from 1229 00:55:03,200 --> 00:55:08,150 snoring as my wife calls it miracle mist 1230 00:55:08,160 --> 00:55:14,710 flonase more like no lays 1231 00:55:14,720 --> 00:55:16,720 but you know what it's probably good 1232 00:55:16,720 --> 00:55:18,079 it's probably better that way don't have 1233 00:55:18,079 --> 00:55:20,799 to worry about the kids walking in on us 1234 00:55:20,799 --> 00:55:22,799 yeah because that's a fear 1235 00:55:22,799 --> 00:55:24,000 anybody's got kids you've got to worry 1236 00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:25,359 about your kids why anyone here ever 1237 00:55:25,359 --> 00:55:27,920 walk in on their mom and dad when you go 1238 00:55:27,920 --> 00:55:29,599 so over here yeah yeah you remember it 1239 00:55:29,599 --> 00:55:32,240 right don't be like huh i'm not sure no 1240 00:55:32,240 --> 00:55:35,200 you'd be sure 1241 00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:37,599 certain memories stick with you for life 1242 00:55:37,599 --> 00:55:39,680 falling out of moving vehicles and 1243 00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:40,960 walking in on mom and dad well as 1244 00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:43,359 traumatic as you think it would be 1245 00:55:43,359 --> 00:55:44,720 walking in 1246 00:55:44,720 --> 00:55:47,359 on your dad and your mom imagine me 1247 00:55:47,359 --> 00:55:53,910 walking in on my dad and my aunt 1248 00:55:53,920 --> 00:55:56,240 my aunt looked right at me i'm like i'm 1249 00:55:56,240 --> 00:55:58,319 staring i was like a deer in headlights 1250 00:55:58,319 --> 00:55:59,680 i just froze 1251 00:55:59,680 --> 00:56:02,000 i could not move i just started sweating 1252 00:56:02,000 --> 00:56:03,599 i didn't know what to do so i just 1253 00:56:03,599 --> 00:56:15,190 kicked on the ac 1254 00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:16,720 she's like what are you doing i'm like 1255 00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:19,599 it's getting hot in here 1256 00:56:19,599 --> 00:56:23,040 hey you guys have been fabulous 1257 00:56:23,040 --> 00:56:24,470 thank you so much 1258 00:56:24,470 --> 00:56:26,079 [Applause] 1259 00:56:26,079 --> 00:56:28,640 thank you 1260 00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:30,880 it means a lot well thank you so much 1261 00:56:30,880 --> 00:56:32,310 you guys thank you 1262 00:56:32,310 --> 00:56:34,559 [Applause] 1263 00:56:34,559 --> 00:56:36,450 thank you very much 1264 00:56:36,450 --> 00:56:52,630 [Music] 1265 00:56:52,640 --> 00:56:58,260 you81897

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