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It was a beautiful morning

in East Texas.

The kind of morning that
made you want to get up,

get dressed and test that acceleration

due to gravity does not
depend on an object's motion.

I love Saturdays.

The Earth causes the same
gravitational acceleration

of everything,

even a doll and a flying Ping-Pong ball.

It's not often a man of science

gets to say "Yippee
ki-yay," and mean it, but...

Yippee ki-yay.

Morning, Herschel.

Hey, George. Uh, you didn't see a dog

wandering around here, did you?

No. Y'all get a dog?

Uh, sort of. We took him
in after my brother-in-law

had to go live in a gated community.

Oh, that sounds nice, uh,
they got a no pets policy?

He's in jail, George.

Right, sure.

In physics,

nothing feels better

than predicting an outcome.

I love predictability.

The force of gravity: predictable.

Nuclear fusion: predictable.

My brother peeing in the shower:

repulsive, but predictable.

What isn't predictable:

dogs.

I've always been terrified of dogs.

To me, they're nothing but
big, furry question marks.

Question marks with teeth.

In panic situations, I'd
often lose consciousness.

This time, I only lost my voice.

Help.

Please help.

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Uh, I was just admiring

Grandpa Smurf's unique walking stick.

Smurf-a-loo-loo.

That's not my walking stick.

Lunch is ready.

Can you go get your brother?

I'm watching TV.

Just go.

I have to do smurfing
everything around here.

I heard that.

I said "smurfing."

And I heard how you said it.

She can cut her own crusts off.

Sheldon?

Who are you?

You're so cute.

Be careful.

What are you doing up there?

Staying alive.

Whose dog is this?

I don't know. Get help.

Well, how did he get into the garage?

Please get help.

Maybe we can keep it.

I'm begging you, get help now.

First, I have to tell you something.

What?

Lunch is ready.

Will you look at that?

What kind of dog chews through wood?

Y'all are feeding him, right?

Maybe he's teething.

You know, when Billy was little,

he chewed right through his playpen.

- No kidding?
- Only had three teeth.

Mostly gummed it.

So how y'all want to fix it?

Well, I figure I'll patch it,

run some chicken wire
along the bottom...

That way, he don't
chew through it again.

Hello.

- Hey.
- Hey, Billy.

Was this fence window always here?

No, son, that's a new fence window.

Anybody else getting dizzy?

Why didn't you call for help?

I tried, but no sound came out.

You poor thing.

It was very dirty up there.

Is cleaning the garage
your job or Dad's?

Don't you worry about that.

Here, have some tea.

- Chamomile?
- Yes.

One teaspoon of honey?

Yes.

An ice cube to cool it off?

I went with two today.

You've been through enough.

I prefer one ice cube.

Drink it.

It's nice when the kids are in bed,

and we can just hang out and relax.

I'm not even gonna respond to that.

I finally got him asleep.

He's still pretty shook up.

Maybe having

this mutt next door won't be so bad.

Shelly could end up getting used to it.

That's true.

Remember when he got all freaked out

by the fruit at the bottom of yogurt?

Now he eats it no problem.

He still makes me stir it.

Maybe you could start out

with a small pet, and work your way up.

Like a turtle.

He says they carry salmonella.

A gerbil?

Apparently, they caused the plague.

What about a bird?

Oh, I know that one.

They'll steal his hair to make a nest.

Mom!

At least this time, sound came out.

I call that progress.

What's going on?

Your dog got into our house.

How the hell did he do that?

He pushed in a screen window.

You think he chewed
through the fence again?

All I know is Sheldon's
yelling at the dog,

and Mary's yelling at me.

Now I'm looking at
you in your underwear.

Damn it, Herschel, what is going on?

- Oh, hey, George.
- Hey, Brenda.

Bucky got in their house.

That's funny.

It might be funny one
day, not right now.

Look, I'm real sorry, George.

I'll keep him tied up,
it won't happen again.

Y'all have a good night.

George!

You are not gonna believe this. Look.

Their dog left a dead
squirrel in our living room.

Well, h-he is part hunting dog.

I think that means he likes you.

I'm not interested in
winning his affection.

I'm interested in keeping dogs
and rodents outside of my home.

Well, now, hold on.

How do we know it was Bucky that left

that squirrel in your house?

Maybe that squirrel was already there.

Why else would a dead
squirrel be in my living room?

I don't know what
kind of house you keep.

My house is immaculate.

- George, tell them.
- Uh...

She does keep a nice house.

Honey, it's a pretty
good chance it was Bucky.

- Whose side are you on?
- Yours, always yours.

All right. Everyone's upset, it's late.

Maybe we should drop this for tonight?

That's a good idea. Okay.

You just keep your dog away from my son.

- There you go picking it up again.
- I am sorry,

but their dog broke into our home.

Something he probably
learned from your brother.

How dare you.

Okay, I think that's
a good stopping point.

How do we know that your son didn't

lure Bucky in to perform weird
science experiments on him?

My son was asleep in his bed,
and you have some nerve...

Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

Night, George!

Night!

I don't understand why that dog

is so interested in Sheldon.

Maybe Bucky likes the
way Sheldon smells?

Your brother washes
himself three times a day.

He has no smell.

Here we go: animal control.

Oh, no, no.

No, you don't want to go
calling animal control.

- Why not?
- Because,

you have to live next
door to these people.

They called the cops on Georgie
when he played music too loud.

Maybe it was them, maybe it was me.

Anyway, the point is,

you don't can't go throwing

gasoline on the fire.

Well, they started this fire,

and now, they're gonna get burned.

I believe you've had enough coffee.

Listen, why don't you
let me talk to Brenda,

and just smooth things out?

Why do you think she'll listen to you?

Because people like me more than you.

People like me.

I didn't say they don't,
they just like me more.

Anyway,

I see her all the time at bowling.

I know how to handle her.

Fine.

Thank you.

Plenty of people like me.

Hey, Brenda, how's it going?

Your daughter's a pain in my
ass, that's how it's going.

You don't beat around the bush.

I've always liked that about you.

Connie, I've had a long night.

Unless you're looking to
bowl, I don't want to hear it.

Aw, now, come on.

Let me buy you a drink,
and we'll talk about this.

I'm more on your side than you think.

Somehow,

- I doubt that.
- It's true.

Don't you think I realize
that Mary can be a bit...

Of a self-righteous bitch?

I was gonna say "challenging,"
but sure, let's go with yours.

It's got a nice rhythm.

Mmm.

Brenda, this is, by far,

the best bowling alley
margarita in town.

How long

you and Herschel been
married? 18, 19 years?

19, but it feels like 30.

Well, y'all are a great couple.

Eh.

I just wanted to thank you

for being so patient and kind
to my daughter and her family

since they moved in.

- It's nothing.
- No,

it needs to be said.

You know, Mary has a tough
job raising those three kids,

with one of them being,
you know, somewhat special.

- I can see that.
- Yeah.

And having a kind neighbor makes
all the difference in the world.

Well, we try.

And I know you know how stressful it is,

seeing as how you have your own child

who is special in his own way.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I mean, hey, I know
Billy is a terrific little boy,

but I am sure he has
presented you and Herschel

with some challenges.

If there's a weird kid
in the neighborhood,

it's your grandson.

Now, hang on, I said
"special," not "weird."

I heard you.

I said "weird."

Okay, see now, Brenda,

you don't want to go
calling my grandson weird

when I've just treated
you to a margarita grande.

Well, I'm sorry, but you
shouldn't be inferring

there's something wrong with my Billy.

Darlin', there's no inferring.

I've seen the boy sitting in the dirt

eating his own belly button lint.

Really, Mom? This is
how you put out the fire?

Well, at least she got the worst of it.

How you figure that?

I ripped a big patch
of hair out of her head.

This will be healed in a week.

She will be wearing
a hat till Labor Day.

I want to be just like
you when I grow up.

- No, you don't.
- Pick again.

Excuse me, Ms. Hutchins?

Hey, Sheldon.

Can you recommend any
books on overcoming phobias?

That's in the self-help section.

Follow me, I have read them all.

- Any phobia in particular?
- Dogs.

Ah, cynophobia. That's a good one.

Did you know there's
over 50 million dogs

just in the United States alone?

That's 50 million too many.

Here. I read this one to
help with my haphephobia.

Ah, fear of being touched. I
have that, too. Was it useful?

Well, when someone's
interested in touching me,

we'll find out.

The basic premise

of the book was that phobias

were overcome by
taking incremental steps

toward confronting
the phobia in question.

In my case, that started
with watching a TV show

that was adored by
children around the world,

but for me, was the stuff of nightmares.

Scooby-Doo!

The next step was to go face-to-face

with real dogs.

Albeit through a plate-glass window.

Okay, that's enough.

And finally,

a close encounter of the third kind,

physical contact with a
member of the canine species.

Hello, I'd like to speak
with the veterinarian.

Well, I was hoping you
might have one or two dogs

under anesthesia that
I might come by and pet.

Sure, I'll hold.

Who are you talking to?

The Medford Veterinary Clinic.

Why?

I'm trying to overcome my fear of dogs

before it affects our
family any further.

Oh, honey, you don't have to
worry about how it affects us.

Meemaw got punched in
the face because of me.

No, that wasn't because
of you, and for the record,

your meemaw gets punched
in the face all the time.

Well, I still think I need to take

some sort of positive action.

- Hello?
- Yes, hello?

Oh, that's too bad.

How about a small fluffy one
that's recently died of old age?

Enough.

Sorry.

Now, it says here in Mark 12:31

that you should "Love your neighbor

as yourself."

Anybody like to take a
guess what that means? Missy?

It means to be nice to the
people who live next door.

That's right.

But everybody else can go to hell.

Okay, Missy, we don't use
that kind of language here.

And if you think about
it, in this world,

with all the ways we can travel,
everybody's your neighbor.

Yes, Sheldon.

How do we love our neighbors

when our moms hate each other?

- Who does your mom hate?
- Your mom.

Hey, my mom hates your mom. Small world.

Okay, let's hang on a second.

My mom also hates their grandma.

'Cause she lost a fight to her.

Nuh-uh, she won. She said so.

All right, stop. Let's stop.

Now this might be hard to understand,

but living a loving, Christian life

isn't always the easiest thing to do.

Yes, Billy.

My mom's not crazy about you either.

Just love your neighbor, 'kay?

Now, I am more than willing
to look the other way

when my parishioners don't
get along with each other.

That sort of thing happens,
but when it becomes a problem

for the children, then
I have to intervene.

There's no problem here,

other than these two thinking
that they're better than me.

I don't think it, I know it.

I gave your mother a good smacking.

I can give you one, too.

That's big talk from
somebody with a comb-over.

Ladies.

Do I need to remind you
that we are Christians?

In all our behavior, in all our actions,

we must constantly ask
ourselves the question,

"What would Jesus do?"

Can I say something?

Would Jesus say it?

Never mind.

In my life,

I've often been accused
of being a physical coward,

and for the most part, those
accusations are correct.

But there have been times
when I've shown great courage.

This was one of them.

Hello, Bucky.

Are you a good dog?

Please be a good dog.

Please.

Now oftentimes, when
we don't like someone,

what's happening is we
see something in them

that we don't like in ourselves.

What are you saying?

Really? That was over your head?

I'm saying,

y'all might have more
in common than you think.

Well, don't say both
their kids are "special."

She does not like that.

Okay.

Here we go.

Petting... the dog.

I'm doing it.

I'm petting a dog.

I've conquered my phobia.

You're a good boy. Yes, you are.

I'm sorry for the unkind
things I said to you.

Me, too.

Connie?

What?

Anything you'd like to say?

Not particularly.

Mom.

Okay.

I'm sorry for the things I said,

and, you know, what happened
at the bowling alley.

As am I.

Here.

I think this came out of your head.

He licked me! He licked me!

The dog licked my tongue!

I can still taste it!

Call 911!

I think Jesus might go check that out.

How's it going in there, baby?

Okay, but we're gonna
need more Listerine.

I'm proud of him for trying to
overcome that damn dog phobia.

You should tell him that.

Well, if he ever leaves
that bathroom, I will.

What I can't figure out is why
that dog is so drawn to Sheldon.

Beats me.

- You say his owner's in the slammer?
- Yeah.

Wonder what kind of fella he is.

It's a mystery.

I guess we'll never know.

Hey, Moonpie.

I got you a little something to help you

get over your fear of animals.

A tranquilizer gun?

A pet fish.

_

Why?

Well, I thought you could start
small and then work your way up.

Look, he's kind of cute.

He doesn't even care
that I'm here. I like him.

What are you gonna name him?

Fish.

Fish?

I'm not ready to get attached.

Fish are kind of boring.

I know, isn't it great?

But you can't even pet 'em.

Maybe we can.

Baby, what's wrong?

I tried to pet Fish!
Ah, he was so slimy!

Well, yeah, he's a fish.

I put my finger in the top of
the tank, then I touched him,

and he bit me!

Oh, I'm sure he didn't bite you.

I can't breathe.

His fish blood is mixing
with my human blood.

Maybe he was just trying
to give you a kiss.

No. He hates me. I never
want to see him again.

Oh, Sheldon, you're being silly.

Fish like this don't bite.

Look. See? He's harmless.

Son of a bitch!

Dad killed my fish!

George!

He'll be fine.

Just got to put him back in the bowl.

Oh, George.

_

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