All language subtitles for The Gay Deceivers

("Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony")

**

* Hell no,
we won't go *

* No, we won't go *

**

(all chanting)
Hell no, we won't go!

**

* Hell no, we won't go *

* No, we won't go *

("The Battle Hymn
of the Republic")

**

* Hell no, we won't go *

* Hell no,
we won't go **

**

("Dance of
the Sugar Plum Fairy")

**

("Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony")

**

(music dies out)

(marching band drumming)

Sit down.

(drumming continues)

All right, Stern,
you're next.

(drumming continues)

"Leg cramps, tension,
headaches, ingrown toenail,

prickly heat,
and occasional bedwetting."

Bedwetting, Stern?

Yes, sir.

Only when
I'm nervous, sir.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell
you what, Stern.

When you
get to basic training,

you give this little note
to the supply sergeant.

Supply sergeant?

That's right.

That's an eight-week
supply of rubber sheets.

Oh.

(chuckles)

Wait there.

They asked to
see you together.

What are they, a couple
of Siamese twins?

No, but I get the feeling

that they're
joined together

from time to time.

Well, send them in.

Shut the door.

Devlin?

Yes, sir.

Is that a check mark?

Well, that-- that's
kind of hard to say, sir.

It looks more like
a smudge to me.

Well, it's
your application, boy.

What are you trying
to say?

Are you or aren't you?

'Cause if you are,

you're gonna have to

sign a statement
verifying it.

Am I or aren't I
what, sir?

Well, you can read,
can't you?

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh.

Well, see, it doesn't say,
"Am I or aren't I."

The way that
it's worded is,

"Have you ever had a-- "

I know what it says.

What's your answer?

Well, that depends on

how you would define
an "experience."

And what's
your problem, boy?

I have no problem, sir.

Well, it says here
that you, uh,

want to be with Devlin

throughout your entire
tour of duty.

Yes, sir,
that's correct.

Well, what do you think we're
running here, a boys' camp?

I understand perfectly,
sir.

It's just that,
well, Danny and I

have been together
ever since grade school

and-- and--

Well, if we couldn't
remain together,

I'd just die.

I just don't think
I could take it, sir.

You don't understand
how it is.

Hey, let's can
the BS, all right?

Now, do you boys want to
go in the Army?

Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

Fine.

I told you

there was nothing
to worry about, Elliot.

Oh, you know
how it is.

Every time I want
something real bad,

I never get it.

Oh, I know.

Oh, but this is gonna be
so marvelous,

just living
with all those guys.

Hold it.

(lively music)

**

Are you a homosexual?

No.

**

Are you a homosexual?

Perish the thought.

**

Do you ever wear
women's clothes?

I'm no drag queen,
doctor.

**

Why not?

Too embarrassed?

I just think
it's a bit much.

**

How about you?

**

Now, which do you prefer?

Young boys
or mature men?

I think, when you really
love somebody,

that age
shouldn't matter at all.

**

How about you?

Do I get a choice?

**

Do you favor (bleep)
or (bleep)?

Sex has nothing to do
with love.

I think it's much more how
you feel about the person.

**

How about you?

**

(bleep) or (bleep)?

I believe one should
remain receptive

to one's
partner's needs.

Inhibitions have
ruined more marriages.

What do you think of her?

Oh, those are
heavenly beads.

**

What do you think of her?

Her hair is too long.

**

What do you think about

when you look at
something like this?

Well, muscles have
never been my bag, but...

**

And you?

Oh, now, that's nice.

Do you mind
if I keep it?

I don't have this
one at home.

**

That's all.

**

Well, you're free
to go.

Your draft board will notify
you in two or three weeks

of your
reclassification.

Does that mean the Army
doesn't want us?

Not at this time.

However, if we uncover any
additional evidence

that changes our opinion,
we'll reclassify you 1-A.

I counted
so much on going in.

What are we gonna
tell our friends?

Oh, I'm sure you'll think of
something, Devlin.

(bugle fanfare)

**

(overlapping chatter)

Here comes the
young counselor.

Hey, Danny.

(overlapping chatter)

Dad.

Hi.

That's the old
million-dollar knee,

right, son?

Whoever would have thought
that old trike injury

would show up at
a time like this?

I'll bet it won't keep you
from running around a little

when you get up
to Stanford, will it?

Uh, well, actually,
I don't think

I'm gonna have a lot of time
to do much of anything.

I hear they keep you
jumping pretty good up there.

(man)
Stanford?

That's my alma mater.

Say, before you
accept any offers, Dan,

I want a chance to better
the deal.

Agreed?

Agreed.

How about that, Danny?

You haven't even cracked
your first law book,

and already you've
been guaranteed a position

with one of the finest
firms in the city.

It pays to have friends
in high places.

What are your
plans now, dear,

now that Danny has
his deferment?

Are you going
to keep flying?

Oh, yes, I've, um--

I've asked the airlines
for a transfer

up to San Francisco

so we can be together
as much as possible.

Uh, we're gonna get
some sun, okay?

Excuse us.
Have fun.

Okay.

(overlapping chatter)

(laughter)

(woman)
Gee, I didn't know
he had asthma.

Maybe that's what you've been
mistaking for passion.

I really don't see
what you all see in him.

Well, as lover boy says,

if you haven't tried
it, don't knock it.

(women laughing)

Hi.
Hi.

Hey, my big brother,
how's the old knee?

Uh, tricky.

Very, very tricky.

And this fruit says to him,
"But sergeant,

"I've just been there,
and they sent me back here,

"and I just don't know where
to go anymore.

I'm so confused."

(laughter)

Hey, Elliot!

Excuse me a second.

Oh, there he goes again.

He's so jealous.

(laughter)

Hey, do you have to pull that
fag routine around here?

What's wrong, Danny boy?

We're out.

I realize that.

I just don't want
anybody getting any ideas.

Okay, don't get
spastic over it.

What are you
doing later?

I just have to take Karen
out to the airport.

Why?

Wait till you see

what I've got lined up
for you for a little

after-hours
scene at my place.

My gift to you for
springing us free.

Okay.

You know,
I think that, uh--

my, that boy seems
popular.

Your daughter
certainly adores him.

Yes, doesn't she?

You know, I'm glad Danny

cultivated Elliot's
friendship.

He needs to be
with somebody more outgoing.

He has a tendency to be
on the shy side.

(ominous music)

**

Going up to celebrate
your victory, Devlin?

**

I guess.

**

(door bell ringing)

(sultry jazz)

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Laverne...

And, uh,
you must be that genius

Elliot was telling me
about.

You must be
my little surprise.

Uh, wh-- where is Elliot?

Doing his homework.

Uh, can I fix you
a drink or something?

Oh, no.

(gulps)

Um, I'll
make you that drink.

You relax.

**

(ice cubes rattle)

**

(ominous music)

(sultry jazz)

**

(moans)

Easy, doll.

We've got all night.

Oh, yeah.

**

("Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony")

**

(dramatic music)

("You're In The Army Now")

Mm, mm-mmm!
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm!

**

Hey, what's your problem?

Am I too fast for you?

No, as a matter of fact,
you're not fast enough.

You've got to leave.

Uh, no,
you've got to--

You've got to take
your purse.

You've got to get out.
But--

Come on, no, this is
gonna be a bust.

The police are outside.

Why didn't you say so?

You can tell Elliot
to just go--

Uh, yeah, right, right,
back stairs, please.

(whimsical music)

**

("Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony")

**

Elliot.

Listen to me.

That colonel from the
draft board is downstairs,

checking
the apartments.

What?

Just get dressed!

Oh, dear.

Oh.

(gasps)

Look, Elliott, if you
don't believe it,

you come look
for yourself, okay?

How do you know it's him?

I saw him downstairs,
checking the mailboxes.

Okay, so we're having
a little celebration party.

With girls?

You know what he said

about uncovering
new evide--

Will you
get her out of here?

Okay, sweetheart,
get dressed, huh?

I can't!

Just do as I say.

But I can't.

You've got my dress on.

Oh, dear.

Look, Elliot, w--
Will you get dressed?

It's what
we've got to do.

Now, do it.

(dramatic music)

(sultry jazz)

**

("Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony")

**

Look, Elliot,
there's no other way.

That's what we've
got to do.

Not here.

The lady who pays the rent
doesn't dig roommates.

Okay, we move
somewhere else.

Look, I can't even afford
this set-up,

and I only
pay for the groceries.

Look, don't sweat
the money.

That, I can handle.

Look, how can I walk out
on her now?

She's gonna buy me a car.

Oh, wonderful.

Why don't you go get your
tail shot off in Vietnam,

and she you can
buy you a wheelchair!

Oh, I don't know.

I do.

(real estate agent)
You know, this, uh--

This area
is just right.

(breezy music)

**

(Elliot)
It's exactly what
we're looking for.

Mm-hmm,
well, you know,

I have quite a few other
listings

I think you'd
find far more suitable.

I have a place in Malibu
and a couple

right above the strip,
right up here in the hills.

No, no, no, no.

No, this is
just, uh, fine.

It's just peachy.

Well, frankly, fellas,
I really don't think

you're gonna
like this place.

It's rather sedate here,
and the tenants--

Well, they tend to be

more on
the conservative--

(dog barks)

(whimsical music)

**

(sultry jazz)

**

Uh, actually, fellas,
uh, I have--

Several of my
very best friends

are members of
your faith.

Uh, would you look
at this cottage?

I think you'll find it
rather unique.

**

Well, here we are.

Uh, the kitchen here

has all modern
appliances, all gas.

View the breakfast nook.

Isn't that
tastefully designed?

Beautiful view.

And a real fireplace.

Look at that.

(sultry jazz)

**

The bedroom is up this way.

Now-- Now for
the coup de grace.

(dramatic music)

**

Of course, if
you'd prefer something

in a two-bedroom,
I actua--

No, no, one bedroom
is right.

Uh, why don't you fellas
have a look around,

and I'll
wait for you downstairs.

**

What do you mean,
this is all right?

Look, Elliot,
I don't want this

any more than you do,
you know?

It's bad enough I've got
to live here in fairy land.

Now you want me to share
the same bed.

You're forgetting
something.

You see, we're supposed
to be living like, uh--

Yeah?

Well, like, uh...

Lovers.

Swell.

And what'll
we do for a nursery

when the little ones
come along?

(door closes)

(lisping)
It's for you, sweetie.

We'll take it.

(Mr. Devlin)
I think it was
a terrific idea.

It'll give him
a chance to sow some oats

before he has to settle down
to those law books.

(laughs)

Best thing
he could have done.

I suppose you're right,

but I still don't understand
why all the rush.

The least he could have
done was discuss it with us.

Well, you know
how boys are.

They get ideas in
their heads and, uh--

Miss Devlin?

Well, I think
he could have shown

a little bit more taste
in choosing a roommate.

Well, don't you think
you owe me

some kind of explanation?

We'll talk about it
sometime, baby.

Hey, baby.

When do I get to
try the new workbench?

Not until the decorator
is through, darling.

The color scheme clashes
with your hair.

Elliot, be a dear and put
some of this on my back.

Sure, Marilyn.

Uh, Charles will
be away this weekend.

Same thing as well
as always?

Sorry, love,
I'm taking my sabbatical.

I take a few weeks off every
seven years,

whether I need it or not,
to recharge my batteries.

(lively music)

**

("Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony")

(whimsical music)

**

(lively music)

**

(Elliot)
I've run out of excuses
to give these broads.

We've got to talk
this thing over right now

and make other
arrangements.

Elliot, there's nothing
to talk about.

I told you, I think I saw
that colonel downstairs

question one
of the neighbors.

Yeah, well, right now,
he's not my problem.

You know if
I don't get a kiss

two, three times a day,
I get a complex.

I realize that, but you're
gonna have learn to--

excuse me--
live with it.

Yeah, well.

How about if I
motel it with them?

Wrong.

Yeah, but if I explain
to them that we--

No.

No.

Look, Elliot, we can't
see anybody,

we can't tell anybody.

We've got to live like
homosexuals.

Look, I don't want anybody

even accidentally tripping
us up, you know?

If they're gonna start

sending investigators
around, and we--

(door opens)

(exotic music)

**

Hi, there.

I'm Malcolm DeJohn,
your landlord.

(playful music)

**

I live across
the courtyard.

Oh, I'm Danny.

Oh, how do you do?

I'm Elliot.

Well, pleased
to meet you.

You are the muscular one,
aren't you?

I just adore this cottage,
and I decorated it myself.

**

Isn't it elegant?

**

It's you.

It's really you.

Oh, thank you, dear.

(lively music)

**

Be cool, Elliot.

(humming a tune)

So, are you two just
getting started?

Oh, well, actually,
you see, um, we're, uh--

We're newlyweds.

Oh, how wonderful.

(exhales)

I must tell Craig.

Craig?

My better half.

Or at least,
he likes to think he is.

But then, you know
how men are.

Beasts, all of them.

(Danny hits Elliot)

Aren't they, though?

You know,
if it weren't for

this dreadful feeling
of insecurity

that I've
had all my life,

I'm not sure that I ever
would have gotten married.

I was willing to
live in sin.

Yes, well, I prefer living
in California, myself.

It's time for me
to feed my peonies.

(Elliot)
Your what?

Uh, Elliot, those--
those are flowers.

Flowers, right?

They certainly are.

I have the most gorgeous
peonies

in the entire country.

I bet you have.

I'd like to
see them sometime.

Well, I bet you would.

Tootle-oo.

Uh, Mr. DeJohn, uh--

Malcolm, Danny,
Malcolm.

Malcolm, I'd like to
thank you for the fruit.

You're welcome.

And I hope that
you can come on over

and have a drink with us
sometime.

Oh, we'd love to.

I'd love to meet Craig.

Well, I'm sure
he'd love to meet you.

Ciao.

Do you believe that?

Elliot, you don't put on
people like that.

It's people like that
that go to the draft board

and blow the whole thing.

Temper, temper,
temper, temper.

Elliot!

98,

99, 100.

You know, it's a
good thing

the Army
turned you down.

You'd never make it past
the barracks scene.

What's your problem?

Afraid I'm gonna see your
precious little bottom?

Or are you turning into

a silly
little closet queen?

I just like
my privacy, that's all.

It's just a big game to you,
isn't it, Elliot?

Well, what else
can you call it?

Oh, the fact that
they're probably

watching the house at
this very moment

doesn't seem
to worry you a bit.

Shh! They probably
have it bugged.

Do you think
they bugged the place?

Absolutely.

Oh, that's funny.

Ha ha.

I can see
living with you

is just gonna be a series
of bad jokes.

I'm gonna keep
the side by the phone, okay?

I'm expecting a long-distance
call from Karen.

We've got
a date tomorrow night.

Oh, that's just great.

I thought you were the one
that was all uptight

about the
"no broads" routine.

Oh, yeah, I am.

It's just that,
well, you know,

I don't want
her to get suspicious.

She doesn't know anything
about this,

and, well,
how is it gonna look

if I suddenly pull a
disappearing act?

After all, I am
engaged to the girl.

That's a cop-out, buddy,
and you know it.

You expect me
to play it straight

while you're out with
your chick.

Yeah, well, that's
different.

You don't owe
those ding-a-lings of yours

any explanation.

It's different with Karen.

Look, if I can just talk
to her over dinner,

you know,
and try to fix it up

so she doesn't get
any ideas--

And what am I supposed
to be doing, meanwhile?

I don't know.

You could, uh,
read "Playboy" or, uh,

do some push-ups in front
of the mirror.

You could
build a model airplane.

Oh, you're just
a sweetheart.

Peace.

Lovers should never
go to be angry.

(laughs)

Look, Elliot.

(groans)

I'm sorry.

I didn't know this thing
would get this heavy.

It's not turning out
anything like I'd planned.

I figured, uh, once
we snowed them

down at the
draft board, that was it.

Ah, forget it.

But there's something
you ought to know.

Hmm?

You're
not the first man

I've ever gone to
bed with.

When I was a kid,

I used to sack in with
my father.

(comical music)

**

(lively music)

**

(knocks on door)

Good morning.

Could I
borrow a couple of eggs

and some oregano,
if you have some?

Mm-hmm.

Come on in, Malcolm.

Oh, thank you.

I was in the middle

of whipping up
a little surprise for Craig,

and I ran out, and you
can't make this very--

My God,
what's happening here?

Oh!

Looks like
you had a fistfight

with Julia Child.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to
make breakfast.

Uh, I'm really not
too much of a hand

in the kitchen.

Say no more.

I understand, darling.

(groans)

When Craig and
I were first married,

I didn't know a thing
about cooking, either.

I used to dress
a turkey in Levi's.

In fact, on our very first
wedding anniversary,

Craig gave me a cookbook,

and I gave him
a stomach pump.

Why don't you
run upstairs, darling?

Let me take care
of this.

Oh, I--
I don't want to--

I don't want to put you
to any trouble.

It's no trouble at all.

Now, come on,
run along.

Shoo, shoo.

Come on, let your
fairy godmother

get her wand working.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

(hums)

(flamenco music)

**

Do you like the music?

It's all right.

Our interior-decorating
landlord, uh,

came over
to borrow some eggs,

and he's offered to cook
me breakfast.

Oh, really?

You two are getting
awfully chummy.

Better watch out.

Craig's liable to get
jealous.

Aw, no.

Malcolm's just
being friendly.

Oh, sure he is.

I mean, he hasn't tried to
touch me or anything.

I bet.

Anyway, I'll bet he cooks
better than you do.

(razor buzzing)

I doubt it.

**

("Toreador Song"
from "Carmen")

**

Hi, Malcolm.

Oh, good morning,
Hercules.

Why don't you
go sit right down?

Breakfast will be ready
in a jiff.

No, I've got to rush.

(inhales)

Oh, that
smells terrific!

Why, of course
it's terrific.

It's my secret recipe.

Montezuma madness.

Maria Montana
served it to her lover

in "The Sign of the
Cobra Queen."

Malcolm, take it easy
with the kid.

Don't spoil him.

He's tough enough to
live with.

Oh, Elliot, I wouldn't
dream of spoiling Danny.

It's hard enough
with Craig,

and he loves my cooking so,

I practically have to
beg him

to take me
out to a restaurant.

You know, I think
I will try a little.

I knew you
couldn't resist it.

Neither
could John Hall.

You're not going to eat
my omelet like that.

You're right.

(groans)

("Toreador Song"
from "Carmen")

**

Just what it needed.

See you later, Mal.

Carumba!

(Mrs. Devlin)
What a charming place.

It's so quaint.

(footfalls)

Hi, uh, what are you
doing here?

Well, we thought we'd
stop by

and see how you two bachelors
were making out.

Oh, we're just
making out fine.

It sure looks that way.

I may even move in here
with you

for a few days myself.

(laughs)
Great.

Uh, the door's open.

Thanks, Elliot.

Danny!

(Malcolm)
Oh, hello.

I'm Malcolm DeJohn,
Danny's landlord.

Well, I'm
Danny's mother.

Oh, well,
how do you do?

I'm Danny's father.

Oh, how do you do?

How do you do?

Mom!

Dad!

Dad, what-- what--
What are you doing?

We just happened to be
in the neighborhood

and thought we'd stop by.

Oh, well, I came over to
borrow some oregano,

and Danny
was lost in the kitchen.

Uh, Mal--
Malcolm offered

to make me breakfast.

Well, that's very sweet
of you.

Danny,
I love your cottage.

It's so, um--

Well, actually,

we haven't had
a chance,

you know,
to straighten--

Malcolm, are we
keeping you?

Oh, no, no,
not at all.

Go.

Why don't you show them
the cottage?

I know they'll adore it.

Danny, what is this?

Oh, it's a statue...

Of, uh, two wrestlers.

But they're not wearing
any clothes.

Right.

Well, you know how
the Greeks do it, Dad.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, it's
a lovely place.

It's so quaint.

Oh, I must call Delores and
have her see this place.

Uh, Mom, uh, it's
so messy upstairs.

Oh, that's all right.

Everything all right,
Danny?

Need any money?

(Mrs. Devlin)
Barney!

Oh, no, no.

You must come
and see this.

(Danny)
Dad, about the bedroom,
uh, it's not exactly--

Well, well,
I never expected

anything quite
like this.

Yeah, uh, well,
you see,

two women
lived here before we did,

and we haven't had a chance
to change it yet.

Yeah.

They had rather strong
taste, didn't they?

(laughs)

Where does
Elliot sleep?

Elliot?

Yes.

Show me his room.

Uh, well, no, that--
That's not his room.

See, this is,
uh-- This is the bathroom.

Oh, it's a one-bedroom
apartment,

but, uh,
we're gonna get a couch

for downstairs that pulls
out into a bed.

That's good.

Uh, that belonged to the
girls who lived here before.

Well, Dad, you've, uh--
you've seen it all.

I'm sorry you and Mom couldn't
have stayed longer.

Charming.

Uh, Mom, would you
excuse us a second?

Listen, Dad, I wanted to
talk to you

about the
color of the room.

You know, pink.

Well, I don't like
pink either.

We're gonna
get some brown paint,

and I think it'll look
really good,

dark brown, huh?

(Malcolm)
Oh, Mrs. Devlin.

That's one of Freddie's,
isn't it?

Freddie?
Freddie Brache.

I'd know one
of his designs anywhere.

Why, yes.

I didn't know men

appreciated such
things.

Well, not all men do.

Uh, listen, you know,
uh, I hope--

I hope you'll be
able to come up to,

uh, campus this fall,
uh, to see

some of the football
games, you and Mom.

SC is playing up
there this year.

(Malcolm)
That color is
yummy for you,

and it adds a very youthful
line to your figure.

Oh, do you
really think so?

Oh, I do, indeed.

Danny's very lucky
to have

such a
lovely-looking mother.

Well, you know,
as a matter of fact,

I was very young when
Danny was born.

I'm sure you were.

Evelyn, I--

I must rush.

I have to
get back to my souffle.

So nice to have met
you, Mr. DeJohn.

My pleasure.

Uh, Danny, I put
the omelet in the oven.

Please try and eat it
before it gets cold.

(laughs)

Au revoir, Mrs. Devlin.

Isn't he marvelous?

Yeah.
Isn't he?

Uh, Evelyn, I have to be
on the first tee by 11:00.

Good-bye, darling.

Good-bye, Mom.
Good-bye, Danny.

Dad.

Thanks for coming over.

I'm so glad Danny
found such a lovely place.

Karen's going to be thrilled
when she sees it.

And he has
such nice neighbors.

**

Thank you,
it's very good.

Oh, honey, that
sounds fantastic.

Well, it's a lot
better than living at home,

I'll tell you that.

Do you want another
brandy?

Mm-hmm, but I'd like it
over at your place.

I'm dying to see it.

Well, you will, you know, but,
well, we just moved in,

and the place is a mess,
things all over the floor.

Oh, I wish we finally had
a place to ourselves

and I could cook and
play house with you.

Baby, just as soon as
I start school,

you'll fly
out of San Francisco

and live with me in
Palo Alto.

I know.

I wish we could get
started right now.

Well, we
could get started.

What's happening back at
your place tonight?

Not much.

Uh, let's see.

Joyce is in Denver,
Carolyn's in Chicago,

and one of them
is due back

tonight around midnight.

Well, that gives us
about enough time.

Uh, Danny,
couldn't we please

go back to your place?

I promise, I'll keep
my eyes closed

until the lights go out.

I promise
I won't see a mess.

Honey, look, it's--
It's really a bad idea.

Elliot's probably home and,
look,

you've got a flight tomorrow
morning at 9:30 anyway,

don't you?

Hmm, that's true.

But next time,

let's make some better
arrangements.

Look, I will next time.

You just have to have
patience with me.

Things have
been so frantic lately.

I don't even know what's
gonna happen next.

It's only a copy,

but it's, uh,
Michelangelo's David,

and I fell in love with it
when I first saw it.

As a matter of fact,
Craig and I thought

it would be kind of heaven
for your living room.

You know, I-- I don't
want you people

going to any
extra expenses or anything.

Oh, nonsense, Danny,

and I know exactly where
to put it.

You know, Danny,

"Home Beautiful"
wanted to do a spread,

but just the idea
sounded vulgar.

You know,
seeing the two of you

getting started like this

is reminiscent
of Malcolm and myself

when we were first
married.

Oh, yeah?

The struggle we had
in the beginning,

trying to adjust.

Well, you know what
they say.

Give a little,
take a little.

How true.

God knows, Malcolm isn't the
easiest person to live with.

High-strung, temperamental.

You've got to watch
every word you say to him.

The slightest thing is
liable to set him off

on one of his tantrums.

Jeez, I thought you two
were made for each other.

I know,

but believe me,
it hasn't been easy.

It started off as the
usual physical thing.

You know, just
a plain pick-up.

Been through it myself.

But how long can one keep
up these casual affairs?

You get
tired of cruising.

It gets so depressing
after a while.

It's just the same
old thing,

over and over again.

It leaves you feeling
so-- so--

Drained.

Exactly.

Before I met Malcolm,

I was married
to a real tramp.

I couldn't trust him
alone for a minute.

The breakup
was very messy.

I can imagine.

The anguish of trying
to explain it

to your friends,
realizing all the time

that she had probably
been intimate with them.

The utter humiliation
of it.

Well, you know what
I say.

Love them and leave them.

(quiet conversation)

Isn't that lovely?

Yeah.

It seem appropriate.

Tell me, how have
you and Danny

managed to make
a steady thing of it?

Well, we-- I guess

it was love at first
sight, I guess.

We took one look at
each other, and we knew

we were destined
for one another.

How romantic.

You never tell me
anything like that.

What do you
expect after seven years?

Omar Sharif?

Yes.

(laughs)

(knocks on door)

Hi.
Hi.

Wow, we sure had a hard time
finding this place.

Who are you guys
hiding from, the FBI?

Hi.

Mwah!

I hate to admit it,
lover boy,

but, uh, you know, you've
only been gone a few days,

and already
I'm beginning to miss

your homely little face
around the house.

How'd you find us?

Well, your roommate
invited Bunny over,

and we were out shopping,

so I decided to
come along with her.

You don't mind, do you?

Oh, no, no.

I thought I told you
to call first.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Craig, Malcolm,
this is my sister Leslie.

How do you do?

How do you do?
Hello.

Hi.

And, uh, this is Bunny over
here.

Hi.

Why don't you
just sit down?

I'm sorry, Danny,

I didn't know
you had guests.

Oh, uh, we're not guests.

You see, actually,

Craig and I
live across the courtyard.

It's just one big family.

Oh.

Well, my mom told me
all about this place,

so I just thought
I'd come around

and look for myself.

Somebody, uh,
sure is queer

for nudes around
here, aren't they?

Oh, you sure did look silly
in my dress the other night.

(giggles)

Oh, dear.

Bunny,

uh, why don't we,

uh, go upstairs and
look at the bedroom.

(Bunny)
Oh!

(giggles)

(Malcolm)
Daniel,

why didn't you tell us

that you have such
a lovely sister?

She's adorable.

In fact,
they both are.

Oh, they're all right,
if you dig girls.

Well, I have
a sister too.

Oh, really?

Recently married.

She married a lovely
Olympic swimmer.

Tell me.

And the wedding
was gorgeous.

The best man
gave the groom away,

my father gave the
bride away,

and the fact that I
wanted to be flower girl

gave me away.

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

I bet it did.

(women giggling)

Oh, dear!

Oh, Danny, it's
really too much.

Who's your decorator--
Tiny Tim?

My dear child,

I decorated every inch
of this cottage myself.

Tiny Tim?

Really.

Oh, dig this crazy
bug bomb I found.

(sprays)

Sweet child,
that crazy bug bomb

is worth about $5
a squirt.

Oh, dear.

Well, excuse us.

Guess I can tell when
we're not wanted.

Come on, Bunny,
let's get out of here.

Oh!

Hang around awhile.

They'll be leaving soon.

Don't bother, Bunny.

It's obvious you'd rather
spend your time

with your neighbors.

Bye.

Come on, Bu--

(door slams)

Look, I'm-- I'm terribly
sorry about that.

Oh, it's all right, Danny.

Danny, I want to
talk to you.

Uh, would you excuse me
a second, please?

Certainly.

Talk about being uncool.

Hey, now,
wait a minute.

Whose idea was it to
invite them

in the first place?

Look, Elliot,
I thought that--

that we had an
agreement.

(hushed argument)

I don't know about you,
but I'm hurting.

Do you want them
to hear us?

What do I care
if they hear me?

Look, you can take this
whole scene and shove it,

for my money.

Look, if I don't start
getting a little,

I'm gonna
wind up a basket case.

Why don't you broadcast it
to the whole world?

Where'd everyone go?

Where do you think
everyone went?

Look, Elliot,
if Malcolm and Craig

think that we've been
putting them on,

they could go
right to that colonel

and spill the whole
thing for us.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm gonna go and
try and straighten it out.

Straighten them out?

(sprays)

Impossible.

(spraying)
$5.

10, 15, 20, 25, 30.

(knocks on door)

Hi, Craig, listen.
Hi.

I wanted to apologize.

Oh, don't be silly.

Come on in.
Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

(Malcolm)
Who is it, dear?

It's Danny.

Here, take a seat.

Danny.

Hi, Malcolm.
Hello.

I-- I love
your rug.

Oh, isn't
Beulah heaven?

I trapped her under
the sink.

Uh--
What's going on?

Well, I-- I wanted
to apologize

to the both of you for
the scene that was caused.

I-- I had
no idea that Elliot

was gonna invite
anybody over.

Well, Danny,
first of all,

you don't have to
apologize.

Good Lord,
Craig and I

have had our ups
and downs.

Haven't we, dear?
We certainly have.

In fact, I was
just telling Elliot

that we fought that entire
first year we were married.

Year and a half.

Would you liked some
iced tea?

Sure.

Lover?
No, thanks.

Uh, just
a little sugar.

Certainement.

Well, you and, uh, Elliot

seemed to hit it off,
uh, marvelously.

Oh, he's a very nice person.

In fact, you're very lucky
to have him.

Yeah.

Now, listen, lover boy,

if you're going to make any
sudden changes,

I wish you'd let me know.

I was writing out the check
to your landlord

when I
found out you had moved.

The bedroom is upstairs,
I take it.

Yes, but you
don't understand.

We've really got to hurry,
because I told Ben

I was just going to
get my hair combed out.

You can spare me 20 or 30
minutes, can't you?

Yeah, we-- Well,
I meant to call you

and explain what's happening.

I'm sure you did.

**

My, you have gone theatrical,
haven't you, darling?

Well, it came this way.

All that's missing
are the mirrors.

**

Darling, you don't seem
too excited to see me.

You don't understand.

Danny is across the--

**

I think I can
fix that there.

Why don't you get ready?

You've got work to do.

**

(fast-paced music)

**

(dramatic music)

**

Elliot, what the hell is going
on in-- Hi, Mrs. Conway.

Elliot.

Mrs. Conway?

How are you, Danny?

Oh, well, I'm fine,
thank you.

Your mother was
telling me

about your
lovely new house,

and I was just
passing by,

in the neighborhood,
so-- Excuse me.

(door closes)

You stupid son of a bitch.

What could I do?

She barges in here

and starts pulling her
clothes off.

It's only my mother's best
friend, that's all.

I just wanted to keep
it in the family.

I must hurry.

This really is a lovely place
you have, Danny.

Bye.

Your mother's
best friend, huh?

Well, let me tell you

about your mother's
best friend.

She was paying my rent,

and I think
I owe her for it.

Okay.

Right now, I'm paying
your rent,

so you owe me,
and you do what I say.

No broads!

Oh!

You dirty bitch!

Look what
you've done to my peonies!

(Mrs. Conway)
You can take your lovely
peonies!

And besides, you silly queen,
they're not even peonies!

They're marigolds!

Good God, I think
she's right!

They are marigolds!

I may not know my flowers,

but I know a bitch
when I see one!

Oh!

(sobbing)

(laughs)

Elliot, it's not funny.

Can't you get it
through your thick skull

that we're being watched
24 hours a day?

How is that gonna look

on the report
they send in on us?

Aw, she wasn't here long
enough to wash her hands.

That's not the point!

The point is that we can't
be seen with women.

If they find out
that we're faking it,

we're gonna be in Vietnam
Monday morning.

Can't we be AC/DC?

Oh, you're hopeless.

No, baby, you are.

You're playing this thing
way too heavy.

You've got to take it
seriously!

**

(whistling sound effect)

(Leslie)
Well, I still think

something should be
done about it.

I mean, that whole
scene he's moved into,

it's-- Well, it's
unhealthy.

Now, calm down, honey.

I don't see any harm in Danny
having a little fun

before he leaves for school.

After all, he and Elliot

are two normal,
red-blooded American boys.

Well, I've got to get out
to the club.

Normal?

You call that
Elliot Crane normal?

(groans)

Daddy, I don't see
how you can be so blind.

(shower running)

(man)
Well, you have to admit,
my backhand has improved.

(friend)
Yeah, but your serve
is still lousy.

I didn't see you
serving any aces.

(Elliot)
I think his serve is simply
super, sweetheart.

It's your forehand

that leaves something
to be desired.

Hey, Elliot, did anyone
ever tell you you're sick?

Only my girlfriend,
baby,

and he
likes me this way.

(man)
Hey, Elliot,
I dropped my soap.

Pick it up for me,
will you?

Not on your life,
lover.

It's not safe for us girls
to bend down

in front
of all you big boys.

(overlapping chatter)

(Mr. Devlin)
I want that boy fired,
and I want him fired today.

(man)
Oh, come on, Barney,
you don't really believe

that kid's a faggot,
do you?

Just because he's
been kidding around

in the shower room.

If you'd seen his apartment

and heard what
my daughter told me,

you'd know
he wasn't kidding.

That boy's as queer
as a $3 bill.

Oh, Barney,
for Christ's sake.

Yes, you'd better.
I'm reminding you.

(conversation fades)

(Danny)
What's your problem?

I was canned today.

You're kidding me.

What for?
You tell me.

Forrester called me
into his office

and told me
I was through.

Said something about

their not really needing
a lifeguard,

that somebody's
daughter was gonna come in

and give the kids
swimming lessons.

Said something about me

being a bad influence
on the kids or something.

Considering what you've been
doing to their mothers,

uh, they might
have a point there.

Yeah?

And what's that
supposed to mean?

Nothing, Elliot, nothing.

Look, I'll ask my old man

to find out what
the story is, okay?

Yeah, well, whatever.

I've got 57 bucks to my
name and no prospects.

Don't sweat the money.

That I can handle.

I hope the whole thing
blows over soon anyway.

(sighs)

Look, I got, uh,
a date with Karen.

Are you gonna be around?

Yeah, well, if I am,

it's not gonna be
by myself,

I'll tell
you that right now.

Now, wait a minute,
Elliot.

We've got an agreement,
and you stick to it!

I don't see it holding
you back any, champ.

Elliot.

(phone clicks)

**

Okay, just--
Just be cool, huh?

Don't bring 'em
back here.

Okay?

(dialing phone number)

(door slams)

Hey, Louise.

Well, where is she?

What do you mean,
she's getting married?

Who'd marry her?

Yeah, the same to you,
buddy.

Look, honey, you'll really
like this place.

It's a new place, and it's
gonna be a good dinner.

Come on.
Danny, no.

I-- I-- I don't want
to have dinner.

I want to see

where you and Elliot
are living.

But you've
got to be hungry

after a-- a flight
like that.

I'm not hungry.

Danny, are-- are--
are you sure

there's not another girl?

Hey, what would I want
with another girl

when I've got you, huh?

(kiss)

Look at me.

You're all
the girl I need.

All right.

Just the same, I--
I want to see

where you
and Elliot are living.

Uh, now?

Yeah, now.

(music playing faintly)

**

(man)
I'm sorry.

It's just that things
aren't that way now.

**

It's just different,
that's all.

Please, Phil, you
can't end it just like this.

Well, you know we were meant
for each other.

Not really, darling.

How can you be
so indifferent?

I'm not being anything.

**

(quiet chatter)

Hi.

Buy you a drink?

Yeah, why not?

Uh, Peter.

(Karen)
It's-- it's not
what I expected.

Everybody says that.

Uh, you know,
we're just moving in.

Uh, we're gonna make a lot
of changes, of course.

That's Elliot's.

Oh.

Uh, where do you sleep?

I'm sleeping
down on the couch,

and we're moving
twin beds in.

Oh.

**

I'm sorry.

For what?

For suspecting you.

I-- I thought
you and Elliot

were living up here
with some girl.

Oh, well, now you
know you're wrong.

I'm sorry.

I-- It's funny,

I've never been
this jealous before.

Honey...

(kiss)

I don't want you
to be jealous,

'cause I'm all yours.

Okay.

Well,
I'll tell you now,

it was really Elliot
I was worried about.

I envisioned him

bringing up all of his
ding-a-ling girlfriends

and the two of you having
a-- you know.

Honey, my taste and Elliot's
taste in women

is totally different.

He likes
them dumb and sexy,

and I like them smart
and sexy.

Oh, is that
what I think it is?

Well, it looks like
a fireplace to me.

Does it work?

No.
Oh.

You mean,
it's genuine imitation.

Mm-hmm.

We could fake it.

Come on.

(serene music)

**

Great.

(clears throat)

Ah!

**

(Malcolm)
Oh, Craig!

Mmm! Much better.

Such a tub!

Such a tub!

What?

Who was that?

Uh, well, that's, uh--

That's one
of our neighbors.

What kind of
a neighborhood is this?

You know.

Look, you know, I'm
really kind of hungry.

Uh, why don't we go?

There's a place
a couple blocks from here.

We can walk over and get
something to eat, huh?

Boy, you sure change
your mood fast.

Well, you have to, uh--

uh, feed
all your appetites.

Okay.

Gee, it's a shame,
you know,

losing your job and all that
there, for no reason at all.

I know what it's like.

They treat us like we
were diseased or something.

(faint music)

Ooh, hey, Danny!

Hey, listen, that's
one of the gay bars

all the girls have been
talking about.

Can we go in, please?

Honey, what do
I want to do,

going into a place
like that?

Oh, come on,
I'll protect you.

No, really, it'd be--
Please, one drink.

Come on, please?

Look, a bunch of fruits
hanging all over me?

I don't need it.

**

(laughter)

**

You know, one time,
I had this great job--

secretary to this big
industrialist.

**

Then there's this big
government contract

on the line.

What do I hear from him?

Sorry, Freddie.

Government clearances
and all.

I was out the door.

And believe me, listen,

I never did any
playing around on the job.

**

I had this pal Johnny
when I was...

How about another drink?

**

There's one behind you,

and he's wearing
an earring.

Shh!

I wonder if they have

a little girls' room
in this place.

I seriously doubt it.

**

On second thought, uh...

**

Danny, isn't that
Elliot over there?

**

Yeah.

I wonder what
he's doing here.

**

I don't understand.

What can Bruce give you
that I can't?

Dorothy, you've
got to understand.

I can't.

**

Elliot, what are
you doing here?

Danny.

Come on over
and join us.

Who's that?

Karen?
Right.

Listen, you.

I saw him first.

Now, wait a minute,
gorgeous!

I got a big--

Kiss off!

Hey, Elliot, wait.

What'd you do that for?

Aw, the creep's been
pawing me all night.

(quiet chatter)

What happened?

Ah, some freak

tried to get
fresh with me,

and he just
wasn't my type.

(quiet chatter)

Come on, let's go

someplace
I can get a little drink.

I think you've
had enough.

Who, me?

Listen,
booze or broads--

There's always room for one
more, I always say.

Right, Elliot.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

Forget about it, Elliot.
Come on.

Hey, Danny, I thought
we had an agreement.

Not here, Elliot.

Why not?

This is
as good a place as any

to get this thing
straightened out.

Do we have an agreement or
don't we have an agreement?

Shut up!
Hey!

Hey, Danny,
what's he talking about?

What does he mean?
I don't know, honey.

He's just drunk,
that's all.

I'm not that drunk,
lover boy.

I remember you
telling me, "Elliot, baby,

"we're gonna give up broads
for the duration.

It's just gonna be you
and I in our little love nest."

Elliot, I'm gonna
put you

right through the wall!

I wouldn't try it,
lover boy.

What the hell is he
talking about, Danny?

Don't talk to him
like that.

I simply
won't stand for it.

He's mine, all mine.
Elliot!

Okay, Elliot,
he's yours!

He's all yours!

(Danny)
Karen!

(engine starts)

Karen,
you don't underst--

Karen!

Karen?

Looks like we're stuck
with each other, love.

(groans)

I don't understand it.

He seemed like such
a sweet young thing, too.

Well, they just don't seem to
make those sweet young things

like they used to.

("Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony")

(Leslie)
Well, I just
can't believe it.

You would have
if you had been there.

The way they kept arguing

about being faithful
to each other.

I don't know, it was
absolutely incredible.

Faithful?

Elliot, be faithful?

That guy
couldn't be faithful

if his life depended
on it.

You know, there's
something wrong with him.

I mean, it's one thing

to be in
a constant state of heat,

but with him, it's like--
I mean, it's unnatural.

Look, I'm not worried
about Elliot.

I don't care about Elliot.

It's Danny.

It's like he doesn't even
want to be with a girl!

Oh, Karen,
you don't think

there's anything wrong
with Danny, do you?

Look, I'm his sister,

and if there was anything
odd about him, well--

Well, don't you think I would
have noticed it before now?

Ooh, I'm gonna be late.

I've got a doctor's
appointment.

I'll-- I'll
talk to you later.

Wait.

Wait-- Wait a second!

Karen, it's not
Danny's fault!

If anyone's got a problem,
it's Elliot, not Danny.

I'll talk to you later.

Now, where is she?

(woman)
All right.

She went sailing.

Really?

With who?

Well, I-- I don't know.

Some doctor friend
or other.

Look, did she tell you
where the boat was moored?

Somewhere at the marina,
I think.

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.
(laughs)

Look, uh, you call me
anytime you need help.

(receiver bangs)

Hey, man,
I'm splitting for the beach.

Uh, got ice?

No!

I'm just trying to be
considerate.

(affected)
Really, some people!

Elliot, I don't want
to hear you

do that fag routine again,
do you understand?

Ah!

Look, Elliot, I...

Yoo-hoo!

Elliot!

Elliot, Elliot,
Elliot, Elliot!

You are coming tonight,
aren't you?

To what?
To the party.

Craig and I
are having a party,

and everyone's
gonna be there,

simply everyone.

It's our annual
costume ball,

and you're
supposed to come

as your favorite
camp character--

Tarzan, Superman,
Judy Garland.

Well, you know
what I mean.

Of course, come as
someone from a fairy tale.

You bet your sweet biceps.

But all of our friends are
going to be there, Elliot,

and we want you to
meet them,

because we know that
you'll find them...

(gasps dramatically)

Absolutely fascinating.

Well, I'll tell Danny
when I get back,

but I doubt he'll come.

He simply has nothing
to wear.

Oh, well, tell him
not to worry.

I'll find him something.

**

(breezy music)

**

You're a doctor.

What do you think?

I think your friend
has a problem.

Well-- Well, what--
What do you think

she should do about it?

Well, unless she's one
of those sick types

that prefers that sort of
relationship,

I'd say she
should drop him fast.

But he seemed so normal
in the beginning.

Latent tendencies sometimes
don't show themselves

until there's a crisis.

**

(Leslie)
What did they accuse him of?

Oh, you're putting me on.

Well-- Well, did he actually
try anything

with the kids,
or-- or did he-- ?

You're kidding.

My dad?

Well, that's funny.

He never said anything
about it

at dinner last night.

What does Elliot usually do
on his day off?

(overlapping shouting)

Well, what brings
little sister out here?

And I'm asking.

Oh, well, uh, I don't think
I'm so little, do you?

Not when you
put it that way.

Oh, well, I hear
you're pretty good...

I could have told you that.

At, uh, outdoor sports.

I'm good at everything,
outdoors and indoors.

Well, then, prove it.

I thought
you didn't dig me.

Well, I can change
my mind, can't it?

Hey, Elliot!

Hey, one of
these nights,

I might just
give you a call.

What's the matter
with right now?

Well, I'm in the middle
of a game.

Oh, are you looking
for excuses?

Elliot, you're
breaking up the game!

Well, uh, I think you better
make a decision.

Is it gonna be
them or is it gonna be me?

What's it gonna be?

God, I guess he don't want to
play with us anymore.

Hey, come on, you guys,
let's go.

You too, come on.

**

Well, where did
Danny go?

I don't know.

He left this morning.

Do you think
he'll be back?

(dramatic music)

**

Hey, maybe this wasn't
such a good idea after all.

What's the matter?

You got cold feet?

No, it's-- Look,
you're Danny's sister.

Oh, come on, it's not
incest or anything.

You guys
are only roommates.

**

Look, when you
make up your mind

whether you like girls
or not,

I'll be upstairs.

**

Where have you been?

I've been on pins
and needles, waiting.

I-- I-- I had to
be careful.

I think she's
having me watched.

**

This is the last place they'd
think of looking for you.

**

(upbeat music)

**

I don't know
what's wrong.

This never happened to me
before.

Me either.

Maybe you just don't
like girls.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Don't you think
I know what you are?

Uh-- uh, bud--

I can't trust you
for a second, can-- ?

Leslie?

It's true, what Karen
said about you.

(gasps)

What did she say?

Nothing.

You two can kiss and make up,
for all I care.

Never let it be said
that I was a homewrecker!

Nothing happened, Dan.
Noth--

Yeah.

Leslie!

Leslie.
Hi.

Leslie!

Surprise, surprise,
surprise!

Have I got
a girl for you.

(laughs)
Dah-dah!

Well, didn't Elliot
tell you?

Danny, it's our
annual costume ball,

and it's tonight.

It's going to
be absolutely mad.

I'm going to be heaven.

Here, now,
take this, dear.

Now, I've got 5,413
things to do,

and you're
going to be stunning!

Bye.

(imitates Dracula)
Transylvania,
here I come!

**

Get dressed, and I will
escort you

to the party personally.

If that's the way
you feel about it.

**

(door closes)

**

(upbeat jazz)

(door bell ringing)

**

Elliot, hello.

Welcome, welcome,
welcome.

Everybody's here.

So, let me see.

What?

Your costume.

Let me
see your costume.

**

(gasps)

How bold!

Hey, everybody,

this is Elliot,
our next-door neighbor.

Oh.
Oh.

Hi, Elliot.

How are you?

How are you, Elliot?

(kiss)

Want to dance?

Oh!

**

So thrilled you
could come.

Well, let's have a look.

(laughs)

Fabulous, fabulous!

Simply fabulous!

Well, you said to be
imaginative.

I certainly did.
Indeed.

Where's Danny?

Oh, he's back in the
bedroom, sulking.

I don't know
what's eating him.

Well, let's just
go drag him out.

Oh, uh, look, I--
I don't know.

I think we should leave
him alone for a while.

You know, he's simply
impossible

when he gets this way.

I know just what you mean.

Malcolm gets the same way
when she's upset.

Come, let's have a drink.

Where did you
find him?

Uh, "him" is our next-door
neighbor Elliot,

and he's married.

Don't stair the carpet,
Pagliacci.

Go take your heart pill.

Come, Elliot.

(overlapping chatter)

(foreboding music)

**

Elliot!

He is a brute,
isn't he?

Yeah, but he's not gonna
get away from me tonight.

I got a big investment
in him.

Honey, you don't
stand a chance.

You're hardly his type.

Hmm.

Oh, and this is Myra
"Brokenbridge."

Oh, charming.

Cool it.

And over here,
this is Cleopatra.

Hi.

And this is...heaven.

Hi, Elliot.

**

And this is
Judy Streisand.

(Cleopatra)
Yeah, she went over
the rainbow

and somebody
broke her nose.

You Egyptian asp!

Oh!
Excuse me.

Calm down.

**

(overlapping chatter)

What's a girl like you
doing in a place like this?

Lord only knows.

These parties of Malcolm's
are just impossible.

Let me freshen up
your drink.

I would love it.

**

Hi, honey, remember me
from The Lush Life?

Flake off.

It sure didn't take
you long, did it, honey?

Well, she didn't
have to be rude.

He's some fag I met
at a party last night.

**

Let's get away
from these queens.

**

(foreboding music)

(sultry music)

**

This is a nice place
to relax in.

**

("Stranger in Paradise")

**

(exotic music)

**

God, it's
so stuffy in there!

I don't know why Malcolm

insists on throwing those
parties at his place

when Dick's is so much
more suitable.

Oh, Dickie's is divine.

Mm!

Mm!

Oh, uh, it's--
It's in there, sweetie.

Well, I must say,
his costume

is rather inappropriate
for the theme.

(man)
Oh, I don't know.

I'd love to be
a stewardess

and entertain all those
handsome executives.

(friend)
They'd never take you,
honey.

Not with your legs.

Oh, up yours.

Coffee, tea, or me?

(knocks on door)

Danny?

(man)
You're messing up my hair.

(Elliot)
Oh, it's nice and soft.

Mmm!

You're nothing but--

Well, what'd you expect--
Ann-Margret?

**

("Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony")

What's the matter, boy?

Don't you like
drag queens?

(laughs)

(Karen)
It's not that unusual.

I talked to a doctor.

He said that he--
We've got to be

away from each other
for a while,

so you can
think about things.

No, I don't need
time to think things over.

I love you, and I want to
marry you!

Don't you understand that?

I asked the airline
for a transfer.

I'm leaving for Miami.

No, no, you--

You were gonna transfer
to San Francisco.

Well, like I said, I--
I talked to the doctor,

and he said that he
thought you needed

time to be alone,
without the pressures

of trying to make a
difficult decision,

that you needed time to
re-evaluate things,

what you want
to do with your life.

Honey, I know exactly what I
want to do with my life!

I want to be a lawyer,

and I want to marry you,

and I want to
have children.

**

Don't-- don't you realize

that this whole thing is--
is nothing but a hoax

that Elliot
and I dreamed up

to avoid the draft?

That we are perfectly
normal?

Honey, we're perfectly--

I'll show you that we're
perfectly--

Danny, Danny, please.

There's nothing to prove.

Hey, I understand.

Elliot tells me
you're sulking.

Now, let's
have none of that.

Oh, hello.

Craig, not now, huh?

Please?

Of course.

I understand.

Everybody seems
to understand.

Pleased to have met you.

Look, honey--

(door closes)

I've got a flight
leaving in an hour.

Can-- Can I--

Can I at least have some
place to-- to write to you?

No.

I don't think that would
be too good an idea.

(screen door hinges squeak)

Hello!

Danny, you naughty boy.

Look--

Well, you're
not even dressed.

And after all the trouble
I went to

to get you the outfit.

Uh, Danny, uh,
come over,

if you want to,
to the party.

Excuse me.

(overlapping chatter)

I'll never know
what he saw in you.

Eat your heart out,
honey.

Grow some hair
on your chest

and I might give you
a call one night.

Yeah?

I'll have that in writing.

I love your beads.

(upbeat music)

**

(whispers indistinctly)

**

I can't take my eyes
off of you

for one minute,
can I?

Well, what's a girl to do--
lock herself in a closet?

You were supposed to be here
hours ago!

Let go of my arm, Vince,
you're hurting me.

Are you gonna let him
talk to me like that?

You can do better
than her, Vince.

I know a real girl that--

You bastard!

You're a fine one to talk!

You wouldn't even know how
to satisfy a girl.

Why don't you take
your dress off

and fight like a man!

If she takes her
dress off for anybody,

it's going to be me.

Watch where you're
grabbin', mack!

Take your greasy hands
off him, Miss Thing!

You butt out, bitch.

It is none
of your business.

Now, you come with me,
handsome,

and let these girls
work it out for themselves.

Listen, sweetie,
I told you last night--

I'm gonna get
beat up again!

(excited chatter)

(cheers and applause)

Now are you
ready to go home?

**

Sorry for the tiff,
dear.

Oh, that's quite
all right.

Good night.
Good night.

(sighs)

I detest cheap notoriety.

Well, so do I, but
wasn't that punch divine?

**

(upbeat music)

**

(Danny)
Dad, I couldn't tell you.

I couldn't tell anybody.

I was afraid
that if they started

sending investigators
around

and started
questioning people,

somebody was gonna slip up

and tell them
that we were normal.

I'm sorry you didn't
come to me sooner, Dan.

I'm sure
a competent psychiatrist

might have been able to
help you with your problem.

Dad, didn't you hear me?

Didn't you listen
to what I said?

The whole thing was a hoax,

from the beginning
to the end.

Elliot and I
are perfectly normal!

Oh, come off it, Dan.

What do you take me for?

Don't you think I know
about Elliot?

Why else do you think I had
him fired from the club?

We can't have
perverts like him

coming into contact with
our children!

Those Army doctors
are no fools, Dan.

It's their job to spot fellas
like you with problems.

I don't know.

I thought that you were glad
that I got deferred.

Not that way.

Do you realize this will
be on your record

for the rest of your life?

That you'll never be able
to hold any kind of a job

requiring
a security clearance?

Did you ever ask any of
your fairy friends

what it's like
to have a stigma like that

attached to them?

Did you?

Huh?

Dad, I'm trying to
tell you something!

Don't tell me!

Tell your draft board!

I'm sorry, Devlin,

but there's nothing I can
do about it.

It's out of my hands.

Don't you see
that I'm admitting to you

that the whole thing
was a fake,

that we just thought it up
just to make you think--

You don't seem to hear what
I'm telling you, Devlin.

Now, regardless
of your intentions,

you've been found unsuitable
for military service.

Now, in plain words, boy,
Uncle Sam doesn't want you.

Hey, Danny.

He wouldn't buy it, huh?

Yeah, that figures,
after the party last night.

I wasn't even there.

But I was.

And it figures--

You tell me to be
convincing,

and I guess
they just assumed--

Well, it's like you said.

It's better than getting
your butt shot off in Vietnam.

I just didn't
turn out like I planned.

Well, where to now?

Back to your folks?

That's the last place in
the world I want to go.

No, I'll go up north

and try and find
someplace to live

until school starts,
I guess.

What about you?

I think
I'll head down to Florida.

I hear the beach boys
do all right

with the horny old broads.

Will I see you
before you go?

No, I'm gonna take off
this afternoon.

Well, hang loose,
old buddy.

This thing'll
all blow over.

I doubt it.

**

("Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony")

Those idiots, thinking
that they could fool us.

You really had 'em figured,
didn't you, George?

Well, that's my job, Joe.

Weed out
all the undesirables.

We don't want their kind
in the Army, do we, Joe?

**