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[DOOR OPENS]
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Good morning, Ron.
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How was your breakfast?
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00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:18,059
Delicious.
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00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:22,647
Since I turned, I normally just eat
scrambled legs. Because, get it?
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00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:24,024
You gave him a knife?
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00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:26,359
And a fork. It's how Ron prefers to eat.
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00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:29,988
Sheila is messy and sexy,
and I'm neat and petite.
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We're all God's children, Joel.
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Absolutely.
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So, listen, we need to gag you and
tie your hands behind your back.
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What?
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00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:40,376
I have an interview
this morning with the
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00:00:40,410 --> 00:00:41,800
Grand Prior of the Knights of Serbia,
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00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,177
and she can't know there's
an undead person in our basement.
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Or she might slaughter us
with her broadsword.
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00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,840
And while I always saw myself
dying at home,
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it was peacefully in
bed, not slipping on
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my own guts trying to get to the phone.
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00:00:52,334 --> 00:00:53,674
[SHEILA] But, good news.
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We'll be gagging you with this napkin,
which is made out of 100%
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pure Irish linen.
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Ooh, soft.
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- Uh...
- Lucky!
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00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,648
Hey, here's an idea.
26
00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:09,664
What if you unchain me and I get out
of your hair for a few hours?
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You're stressed, I'm stressed.
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I think a break would
do us all some good.
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You wanna go meet your
Reddit friend Andre
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who you were planning
on turning yesterday, right?
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No.
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Because even though I
promised to bite him,
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you have made me realize
how bad that is.
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And so, I will break my promise.
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Now, let me go and I promise
I'll come back this afternoon.
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Sorry. We can't let
you leave until we're
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convinced you're not gonna go run around
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biting every weirdo you meet
on the internet.
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It's reckless, and it makes
all of us undead look bad.
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- Put your wrists together.
- [SIGHS]
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Don't you think it's odd that
you're trying to join an organization
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dedicated to killing the undead,
even though you're married to one?
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If I don't become a Knight,
someone else will be hunting Sheila.
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This way, she'll be safe.
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Still seems problematic.
If you want my opinion...
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Sorry. We're kind of in a rush.
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- [MUMBLING]
- [SHEILA] Hey.
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Weren't these napkins a wedding gift
from your grandmother?
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00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:03,957
I think so. Why?
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00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:07,585
I just realized this is the first time
we've used them.
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00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:09,587
Aw...
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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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Synced & corrected by reggielist
www.addic7ed.com
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[SUSPENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
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[ABBY] So what's our strategy
for this meeting?
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[SHEILA] Well, we welcome her in,
make a good impression.
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And then those of us who go
to school will go to school.
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Seriously?
You said I was part of the team now.
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You are part of the team, honey,
but you still have to graduate.
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00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,088
Knights with high school
diplomas make a lot more
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than Knights without
high school diplomas.
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[DOOR BELL RINGS]
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- [GASPS] She's here.
- Now, remember.
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She rose to the top of an ancient
organization that prides itself
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in killing people like your mother.
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This woman is dangerous.
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Equally important.
Don't treat Abby like a child,
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and embarrass her in
front of this badass
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who could be her mentor in badassery.
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You're already a badass.
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00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:12,609
But, I'm sorry, I have to get this
out of my system.
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[BABY TALK] Oh, you're so cute
and I'm just so proud of you!
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All right, everybody.
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Let's go.
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Hello.
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Hi.
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Can I help you?
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I'm Petra Blazek, Grand Prior
of the Knights of Serbia.
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We have an appointment.
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Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Joel Hammond.
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With the sun behind you, I...
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[CLEARS THROAT] Hey, come on in.
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Don't worry. This happens all the time.
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People hear "Grand Knight Prior"
and they expect a...
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six-foot warrior princess riding a horse
and swinging a burning skull.
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But me? I like comfortable shoes
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and a four-door sedan.
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Well, I'm Sheila.
This is our daughter Abby.
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00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:02,533
- Hello.
- Come, sit.
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00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:06,663
Abby, the heir-apparent.
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00:04:07,121 --> 00:04:10,333
Have you ever had a real Milwaukee
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peanut butter fudge bar?
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No. I have not.
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00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:18,007
Well, if Mom and Dad say it's okay,
then we're going to change that.
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Is it just for kids or...
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[PETRA] I swear...
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I always say I'm gonna get organized,
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but I never do.
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[PETRA] Yeah. Here it is.
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What is that?
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[PETRA] Oh, the corker?
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Love this thing.
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It dates back to 17th century Dubrovnik.
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First, you restrain your zombie.
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Then, you clamp its head tight
between these doohickeys.
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Then...
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Hello! You pull its brains right out.
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It's very effective.
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I like this one.
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Feels good in my hand.
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That's one of my favorites. You know how
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they say, "In one ear
and out the other?"
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This turns that from an expression...
into instructions.
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All right, Abby. Time for school.
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Mom, I don't wanna go to school.
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I wanna stay here and try
the corker on a cantaloupe.
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I could run out and get us one,
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but you, young lady,
need to be on your way.
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Fine.
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It was nice to meet you, Miss Blazek.
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My father would make an excellent
Knight of Serbia.
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And when the time comes,
I too will prove myself worthy.
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00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,584
But I must now go to school.
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I will return at four with a cantaloupe.
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Should you and the corker
still be here...
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that would be sick.
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[OPENS DOOR]
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I like her.
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She shows the fire of a young woman
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who could, one day, make a very fine
Guardian of the Living World.
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But let's talk about you, Joel.
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I was going to take over
this position myself,
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but your video was impressive.
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- Thank you.
- My concern is...
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the last two Knights in this region
have abandoned their post.
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I just wanna make sure
you have what it takes
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to fight a soulless,
bloodthirsty zombie.
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That's funny.
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00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:18,836
That's the second time you've used
that word, "zombie."
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Which isn't a problem.
Sheila just loves counting words.
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No, it just perpetuates
stereotypes. [SCOFFS]
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That the undead are nothing more
than B-movie killing machines.
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Some of them might be very nice.
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Nice?
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I don't understand.
146
00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:37,688
She means... like serial
killers can be nice.
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Then you let your guard down and pow!
They serial-kill you.
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Good point, honey.
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So...
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How do we make me
a Knight of Serbia, Petra?
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As I was saying, my concern is...
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Killing isn't easy.
Means getting your hands dirty.
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00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:55,790
Our last Knight, Tommy, was
a marine sniper. You're...
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a realtor.
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A realtor who thinks zombies
are a blight on this world
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00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:03,714
and wants to take that corker
and decant their brains.
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00:07:04,715 --> 00:07:07,135
Really? You feeling big?
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00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,804
You seem to have a problem
with this, Sheila.
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I'm just not into unnecessary violence.
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Against anybody, living or otherwise.
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00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,771
Well, we need our Knights to have
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00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,898
a supportive family,
especially right now.
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00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:24,110
We believe we have an outbreak
in Santa Clarita.
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There are too many signs.
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- Oh, shit!
- I know.
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Right in your own town.
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We just need to find hard proof,
concrete evidence and when we do...
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the Knights will take action.
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00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,547
You and me see eye-to-eye, Petra.
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I wanna show you something
in the other room.
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Believe me.
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I think you'll find it worth your while.
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Are you intrigued? You should be.
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[JOEL] It's right this way.
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00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,313
Am I looking into the ocean
or are your eyes really that blue?
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Ooh! Woman overboard.
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00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,112
Mr. Ball Legs!
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[CLICKS TONGUE]
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[JOEL] Everything okay in there?
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00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,793
[SIGHS] I got you,
you naughty little fucker.
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00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:24,462
We're good!
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Something bad happened.
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00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,426
I love that I never
get a moment's peace.
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00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:33,104
Seriously, I'm not being sarcastic.
I get bored easily. What's up?
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00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:35,648
Remember when we were at that Bob
guy's house planting evidence,
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00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,721
and I couldn't find the detonator?
It was in my car.
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00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,861
OK. Not a big deal. After school,
we'll get rid of it.
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00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:40,895
No, Winter found it.
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00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:42,980
She put everything together.
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00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,274
She knows we blew up the fracking site.
191
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,236
Abby, what if she tells someone?
I mean, we barely know this woman.
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00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:49,487
Shit! What did she say?
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00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:52,815
I don't remember, I panicked. I started
rambling about owls, geodes and
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00:08:52,849 --> 00:08:55,910
how the International Astronomical
Union keeps jerking Pluto around.
195
00:08:55,993 --> 00:08:58,120
Jesus, you should have just
crashed the car.
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00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:01,165
I know. And I was so freaked out,
I tanked my MIT interview.
197
00:09:01,257 --> 00:09:02,966
I smiled like an idiot,
and answered every
198
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,002
question with, "Absotively, positutely."
199
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,963
It was charming, maybe the first time?
200
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,465
- No, it was never charming.
- Okay.
201
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:12,507
I'll talk to Winter.
You straighten out the MIT thing.
202
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,554
No, I should talk to Winter with you.
I was there.
203
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:17,390
You going alone to explain it away
makes us look even more guilty.
204
00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:19,642
No. You need to get your
life back on track,
205
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:21,694
and I am not letting
this stuff fuck it up.
206
00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:23,854
This is about your future, Eric.
207
00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:26,399
Wow. When did you get so maternal?
208
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,506
It's from taking care of my parents.
209
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,279
I call them "the twins,"
and they're taking years off my life.
210
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:35,575
It's a hammer...
211
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,117
and a knife.
212
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,770
I wanted you to see it 'cause
I thought you'd appreciate it.
213
00:09:40,162 --> 00:09:41,581
It came to me in a dream.
214
00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:43,124
I'm a bit of a dreamer.
215
00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:44,792
I'm impressed.
216
00:09:44,909 --> 00:09:47,359
You took two things
from different worlds
217
00:09:47,393 --> 00:09:49,488
and saw how well they fit together.
218
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,133
Speaking of things
that go well together,
219
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,510
what about me and the Knights of Serbia?
220
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,636
[SHEILA] Sorry!
221
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,184
It was a spider. I dealt with it,
222
00:09:58,218 --> 00:10:00,049
and now it's sleeping. What did I miss?
223
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,934
Well, I was just about to tell Joel
224
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:04,103
that before I can make a decision
on his Knighthood,
225
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:06,814
I need to send him on a mission
to prove his worthiness.
226
00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:07,898
A mission?
227
00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:09,762
Two weeks ago, we got reports of someone
228
00:10:09,795 --> 00:10:12,061
in the area looking for Serbian bile.
229
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,487
Then a week later,
230
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,239
we heard about infected clams.
231
00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:17,408
Now, a man who goes
232
00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:19,285
by the name of Ron Ruffin...
233
00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:21,912
I'm sorry, I'm throwing a lot at you.
Should I slow down?
234
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,081
No, no, we're following you.
235
00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:27,918
This Ron Ruffin is claiming on Reddit
to be a zombie
236
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,879
and offering to turn people.
237
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,340
Based on details in his post,
he could be the real deal.
238
00:10:33,134 --> 00:10:35,384
We need to find him
before he causes trouble.
239
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:44,852
Huh.
240
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:46,020
[PANTING]
241
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,447
What a mystery.
242
00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,240
He could be anywhere.
243
00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,884
I'm going to stake out Ron's apartment.
244
00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:02,912
He's been communicating with
a Reddit user named Andre.
245
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:06,499
I need you to find out if Ron
has turned him, and if he has...
246
00:11:07,124 --> 00:11:08,834
kill Andre and bring me his head.
247
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:11,962
Or his spine. Or an arm.
You know, whatever's easy.
248
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:15,549
I'm gonna handle this so fast,
you'll think I started it last week.
249
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,968
Love that energy. Well, I'm off.
250
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:20,179
But first, I'll get you Andre's file.
251
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:22,181
And maybe help myself to a slice
252
00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:24,517
of that beautiful coffee cake
no one's offered me.
253
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:31,899
There's cake, plates, and a serving
knife. Do the math, bitch.
254
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:33,901
I know you don't like this,
but the new Knight
255
00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:35,945
is either gonna be me or Petra.
256
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:37,788
And if you don't like
how she asked for cake,
257
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,657
imagine her coming after you
with the corker.
258
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:42,952
Let her try. Unlike a cantaloupe,
I'll eat her face.
259
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,663
We just have to put up with her
until I complete my mission.
260
00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:48,624
Which is already done,
because Ron didn't bite that guy,
261
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,334
because Ron is in our basement,
262
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:53,295
because we are geniuses.
263
00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:00,720
Oh, shit!
264
00:12:01,448 --> 00:12:03,889
Boy! Ron must have really
wanted out of here,
265
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:06,058
because this post is not a fun eat.
266
00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,769
There's no way fixing this
is gonna be under $1,000.
267
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,272
No! You can't get a contractor
to come over
268
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:13,774
and take a shit in your house
for under $1,000.
269
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,068
He's probably on his way to turn Andre.
270
00:12:16,343 --> 00:12:19,530
God damn him! This behavior
is exactly why the Knights
271
00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:21,741
think the undead are so irresponsible.
272
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:23,868
We have to get to Andre before Ron does.
273
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,828
Now I really do have a mission.
274
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,874
Wait... Are we just gonna
leave it like that?
275
00:12:31,519 --> 00:12:32,885
- What do you propose?
- I don't know.
276
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:35,004
We can lift up the mattress
and wedge it in...
277
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,464
Oh, fuck it. Let's just go.
278
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,970
- Winter!
- Abigail.
279
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:46,432
So, Eric mentioned that you found
something in his car
280
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,893
- and got confused and maybe thought...
- Abby.
281
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:52,021
I know it was a detonator.
Please don't lie to me.
282
00:12:52,312 --> 00:12:53,892
It's not gonna make me think
it's something else.
283
00:12:53,925 --> 00:12:55,064
It's just gonna make me think,
284
00:12:55,097 --> 00:12:57,725
"Oh, this girl, who could have been
my friend, lies to me."
285
00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,780
Well, this no longer feels
like a hallway conversation.
286
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:08,078
Eric and I blew up the fracking site.
And I know that was over-the-top,
287
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,381
but these people were just gonna
fuck up the environment,
288
00:13:10,414 --> 00:13:12,082
make their money and move on.
289
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:14,376
We had to do something to stop them.
290
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,795
I mean, really do something.
291
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,631
Abby, I'm not going to tell anyone.
292
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,718
I meant what I said to that FBI agent.
293
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,596
What you guys did was awesome.
You fucking went for it.
294
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:28,548
Hey, what are you doing later?
295
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,935
I had a thing with a cantaloupe,
but what's up?
296
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:33,145
There's a bar where I sometimes
do open mics.
297
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,109
The last time I was there,
my guitar got stolen.
298
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,441
I'm pretty sure it was
this sleazebag manager.
299
00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,276
- That's terrible.
- Right?
300
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,987
My dad gave it to me,
so I really wanna get it back.
301
00:13:42,353 --> 00:13:43,524
I'm going there tonight. I could use
302
00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:44,999
some backup, if you and Eric are free.
303
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:46,116
Sure, I'll go with you.
304
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,367
What about Eric?
305
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:50,579
Yeah, I really wanna keep him away
from stuff like this.
306
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,457
I don't wanna screw up his life
more than I already have.
307
00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:56,502
Okay, so you and me, then.
Seven o'clock?
308
00:13:56,585 --> 00:13:57,585
Cool.
309
00:13:58,462 --> 00:14:00,214
I lost my fake ID at a rave.
310
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:03,801
So that was pretty wild,
and my fake ID guy is out of town.
311
00:14:04,051 --> 00:14:06,470
You have never been to a bar
and you don't have a fake ID.
312
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:07,730
Is that what you're trying to say?
313
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,682
Oh, no. That's what I was trying
not to say.
314
00:14:11,615 --> 00:14:13,993
Hey. I just spoke to Winter,
everything's fine.
315
00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:16,146
Oh, thank God. And I
reached the MIT woman.
316
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,282
She said I could have a
do-over interview next month.
317
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:19,390
That's awesome.
318
00:14:19,444 --> 00:14:21,411
Wanna grab some pizza
tonight and jinx our
319
00:14:21,445 --> 00:14:23,736
victories by daring to celebrate them?
320
00:14:24,005 --> 00:14:26,782
Oh, I can't. I made plans with Winter.
321
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:30,619
Cool, cool. Would your evening
be enhanced, I wonder,
322
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,288
by the presence of a male escort?
323
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,457
Sorry, I mean a boyfriend.
324
00:14:36,078 --> 00:14:38,419
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Okay. A guy friend.
325
00:14:38,502 --> 00:14:41,297
Damn you, English language,
you un-precise mongrel!
326
00:14:41,755 --> 00:14:43,883
Actually, she asked me to help
with this thing,
327
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:46,677
and it's probably best if
she and I do it alone.
328
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,263
That's fine. No problem.
329
00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:51,473
- You should've just said you had plans.
- I did.
330
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,077
Then no one's feelings should be hurt.
331
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:55,185
We could get breakfast tomorrow.
332
00:14:55,276 --> 00:14:56,777
Kind of feels like a pity meal but,
333
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:58,030
- if you're buying...
- I'm not.
334
00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,106
I'll still come.
335
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,860
God, I hope Ron didn't beat us here.
336
00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:05,237
I know. I don't wanna
have another zom...
337
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:09,825
Somebody to deal with,
who happens to be undead.
338
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,949
For a second, I thought
you were gonna say "zombie,"
339
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,747
but you didn't. You said "zombody,"
which is different.
340
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,917
You've accidentally said
hurtful things to me.
341
00:15:18,007 --> 00:15:19,312
But I can't think of any right now,
342
00:15:19,345 --> 00:15:21,794
because I don't use them against you.
343
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:23,964
- Hello... Andre?
- Hi!
344
00:15:24,214 --> 00:15:25,214
Indeed.
345
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:29,511
I am Dr. Troy Vernon,
and this is Dr. Helen St. Troy.
346
00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:33,057
We're Ron Ruffin's psychiatrists.
347
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:34,350
Has Ron been by today?
348
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:35,976
Ron? I don't believe so.
349
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,780
May the other Troy and I come in?
350
00:15:37,814 --> 00:15:40,064
We need to talk to you
about something very important.
351
00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:42,358
I guess. I mean,
I don't have a choice, right?
352
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:43,441
You guys are doctors.
353
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:45,318
That is correct.
354
00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:54,495
It has come to our attention
that Ron is claiming
355
00:15:54,578 --> 00:15:56,914
he can bite people,
and make them undead.
356
00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:59,708
Unfortunately, Ron is off his medication
357
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,752
and experiencing delusions.
358
00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:03,796
And while there's no such thing
as undead,
359
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:05,422
a human bite should be avoided,
360
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:07,299
as it can lead to many real diseases.
361
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,176
Tetanus, hepatitis,
362
00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:10,844
droop-eye, more.
363
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:13,722
Okay. Thank you for warning me.
364
00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:16,976
Now, if you don't mind,
I'm actually not feeling very well.
365
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:20,104
- Really. What's the matter?
- My stomach's just feeling off.
366
00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:21,772
I'm sorry, you need to go.
367
00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:26,859
[THROWING UP]
368
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,571
Shit! We're too late.
369
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:35,690
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO]
370
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,331
How is this happening?
371
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,083
Is this bar somehow in Europe?
372
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:44,461
I've been performing here for a while.
So they let it slide.
373
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:45,754
That is so cool.
374
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,340
This is so cool.
375
00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:53,053
You've never had whiskey
before, have you?
376
00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:56,015
Tastes like cough syrup
that's been sitting in a lawnmower.
377
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:59,351
[CHUCKLES] Yeah. I'd rather have a
Shirley Temple with extra cherries.
378
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:02,071
Then I think of all the other underage
kids who can't get into bars,
379
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:03,384
and I don't wanna let them down.
380
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:07,326
[WINTER] There he is.
381
00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:08,922
[ABBY] All right.
382
00:17:08,956 --> 00:17:10,433
We're just going to walk over there
383
00:17:10,467 --> 00:17:12,314
and tell him you need your guitar back.
384
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:13,365
Don't be nervous.
385
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:14,908
I'm not nervous.
386
00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:16,660
Oh, sorry.
387
00:17:17,378 --> 00:17:18,435
I'm used to doing this stuff with
388
00:17:18,468 --> 00:17:19,714
someone who needs to take a deep breath
389
00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:21,027
before stepping on an escalator.
390
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:23,249
Let's do it.
391
00:17:26,252 --> 00:17:27,252
All right.
392
00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:36,388
Hey, Dustin, cool hemp necklace.
Where the hell is my guitar?
393
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:37,765
Not this again.
394
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:39,808
I don't have your stupid guitar.
395
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:41,642
[WINTER SCOFFS]
396
00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:45,965
You and I were the only people
in the green room after my set Friday.
397
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:48,803
I left for five minutes. And when I came
back you and guitar were gone.
398
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,388
Dude, it was a gift from her dad.
399
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:52,738
Don't be an asshole.
Rise above your man bun.
400
00:17:52,821 --> 00:17:54,031
Who the fuck are you?
401
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:55,615
Abby Hammond.
402
00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:56,992
I retrieve guitars.
403
00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,903
Maybe you confused it
with your shitty guitar.
404
00:17:59,965 --> 00:18:01,088
I'll just go check your office.
405
00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:03,466
- You're not going into my office.
- Oh, so it's in your office?
406
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,254
- He says it's in his office.
- I heard.
407
00:18:05,348 --> 00:18:07,107
We'll be right back. Do you need
anything from your office?
408
00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:08,622
You know what? Get out of my bar.
409
00:18:08,656 --> 00:18:10,672
You're underage, you
shouldn't be here anyway.
410
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,356
Are you kidding? I play here every week.
411
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,052
Not anymore, you don't. Now you're
just a kid without a guitar.
412
00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:17,471
Yeah? Well, now you're just
the manager of a bar
413
00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:19,223
without maraschino cherries.
414
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:29,733
That guy is such a dick.
415
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:31,890
Right?
416
00:18:31,924 --> 00:18:33,278
How's your Shirley Temple?
417
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:36,115
It's a fucking revelation,
but I'm still pissed.
418
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:39,076
I'm gonna come back tomorrow,
break in, and get my guitar.
419
00:18:39,159 --> 00:18:40,159
Mm-hmm.
420
00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:42,537
Okay.
421
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:43,922
I'm in.
422
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,624
Really? That was fast.
423
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,250
It was.
424
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,252
If we're gonna keep doing shit
like this together,
425
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:50,654
maybe one of us should worry more.
426
00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:52,047
I wouldn't worry about it.
427
00:18:52,727 --> 00:18:53,727
Okay.
428
00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:57,426
[KNOCKING]
429
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:59,054
Andre, open the door.
430
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:00,430
Are you okay?
431
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:03,892
If you're dead, you should come out
so we can talk about it.
432
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:06,325
What do you think?
433
00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:07,874
He threw up for 20 minutes.
434
00:19:07,908 --> 00:19:08,973
[SIGHS]
435
00:19:09,007 --> 00:19:11,942
How did Ron beat us here?
We took the carpool lane.
436
00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:13,026
Maybe he did, too.
437
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,528
But he's just one person.
438
00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:15,696
Maybe he did anyway.
439
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,157
But that's a $491 ticket.
440
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,034
This is why we have to stop him.
He's out of control!
441
00:19:22,721 --> 00:19:24,371
I'm gonna break the door down...
442
00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:26,999
see if Andre needs to
be stabbed in the head.
443
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:28,333
Whoa. Hang on.
444
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,180
Obviously, I'll confirm
he's undead first.
445
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:31,317
Still, hang on.
446
00:19:31,356 --> 00:19:33,839
Just because he's undead
doesn't mean he deserves to die.
447
00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:35,381
Or is that how you think now that you're
448
00:19:35,414 --> 00:19:37,792
suckling off of Petra's bigoted teat?
449
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:39,051
First of all...
450
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:41,305
yikes. And, I just think a lot of undead
451
00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:43,065
roaming the streets
could lead to problems.
452
00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:44,098
For instance...
453
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,018
Farmers' markets selling actual farmers.
454
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:48,729
And I'm just saying
that we research living people
455
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:51,190
to find out if they're bad
before we kill them.
456
00:19:51,288 --> 00:19:53,498
Shouldn't we give the same
courtesy to the undead?
457
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:55,527
No! They eat people.
458
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,154
So do I, Joel.
459
00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:58,989
But I'm also much more than that.
460
00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:00,408
And no matter how much good I'm doing,
461
00:20:00,441 --> 00:20:02,150
is that all you're ever gonna see?
462
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:05,120
No. But you're not the same as...
463
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,204
As what?
464
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,665
One of those? A zombie?
465
00:20:09,048 --> 00:20:12,468
Maybe Andre is a good person
who just wants to do good things.
466
00:20:12,669 --> 00:20:15,881
Nobody deserves to die because
of the way they were born.
467
00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:17,674
Or reborn.
468
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,516
Oh... You guys are still here.
469
00:20:26,975 --> 00:20:28,602
Andre, how do you feel?
470
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:29,936
I feel great.
471
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,189
And hungry.
472
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,402
Andre, stop!
473
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,102
It doesn't have to go this way.
474
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,615
I'm starving.
475
00:20:50,732 --> 00:20:52,892
What did you mean by,
"It doesn't have to go this way?"
476
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:55,419
I meant...
477
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:58,799
you could've gone that way,
up to your loft to get some sleep,
478
00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:01,562
or you could've gone that way
to the kitchen to get some ginger ale.
479
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:02,928
We're doctors.
480
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:04,805
We can't not help people.
481
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,516
Thank you, but I am feeling
much better now.
482
00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:09,919
It might have been the raw kombucha
that I made in my shed.
483
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,729
So Ron really didn't come by?
484
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:13,938
No.
485
00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:17,109
And I can't believe I almost let
another weirdo bite me.
486
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:18,986
Not even at a concert.
487
00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:21,363
If Ron wasn't here...
488
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:23,115
where the hell did he go?
489
00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:27,995
Hello, Ronald Richard Ruffin.
490
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:29,579
Welcome to our chair.
491
00:21:29,871 --> 00:21:31,373
Why did you kidnap me? Who are you?
492
00:21:31,498 --> 00:21:32,624
We are nobody.
493
00:21:32,723 --> 00:21:34,391
And everybody.
494
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:36,669
What?
495
00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:38,839
I don't understand.
496
00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:40,757
We believe Joel Hammond
497
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:44,344
is a Knight of Serbia, and that
he captured you because you...
498
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:45,721
are undead.
499
00:21:45,804 --> 00:21:48,682
No, Joel is becoming a Knight, and yes,
I am undead.
500
00:21:49,558 --> 00:21:50,642
Oh. Well.
501
00:21:50,888 --> 00:21:51,938
Oh.
502
00:21:51,972 --> 00:21:52,986
Okay.
503
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,020
What's wrong?
504
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:55,396
It's just...
505
00:21:56,140 --> 00:21:58,949
We were going to stab you to see
if you were alive or dead. But now...
506
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:01,320
Oh, I'm sorry. I ruined your moment.
507
00:22:01,403 --> 00:22:03,113
Go ahead. Stab me.
508
00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:11,330
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
509
00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:12,710
I know, right?
510
00:22:12,812 --> 00:22:15,167
We should call Mr. Poplovic.
He will be pleased.
511
00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:17,636
That's what we thought when we bought
him those jeans for his birthday.
512
00:22:17,669 --> 00:22:19,484
- True.
- Not even a thank you.
513
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,299
- Bad boss?
- You have no idea.
514
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:23,466
Oh.
515
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,552
So, what's it like being undead?
516
00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:28,889
It's fantastic. It unlocks you.
You become fearless.
517
00:22:28,972 --> 00:22:30,307
Does it make you feel powerful?
518
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,894
It... makes you feel
however you want to feel.
519
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,438
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
520
00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:38,607
That sounds exciting.
521
00:22:39,190 --> 00:22:40,202
Janko...
522
00:22:40,236 --> 00:22:42,861
would you rather call Mr. Poplovic
and spend the rest of your life
523
00:22:42,944 --> 00:22:45,655
working for a boss
who doesn't value you, or...
524
00:22:45,822 --> 00:22:46,948
The second one.
525
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:54,330
We did it.
526
00:22:54,414 --> 00:22:56,252
Andre posted on Reddit that Ron's crazy
527
00:22:56,286 --> 00:22:57,867
and no one should let him bite them.
528
00:22:57,918 --> 00:22:58,928
Huh.
529
00:22:58,962 --> 00:23:00,128
Thank God!
530
00:23:00,434 --> 00:23:02,395
He also said the CIA's hoarding crystals
531
00:23:02,429 --> 00:23:03,832
to power their psychic warriors.
532
00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:05,467
What would crystals...
533
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:08,178
I read it. It's silly. It's mostly
silly. You'd think it's silly.
534
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:12,891
So, send the Reddit post to Petra,
she'll think Ron's a phony, and...
535
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:15,185
you'll be the next Knight of Serbia.
536
00:23:16,144 --> 00:23:19,773
Actually, I was thinking that...
maybe I shouldn't be a Knight.
537
00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:21,315
What?
538
00:23:22,275 --> 00:23:23,275
Why not?
539
00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:26,530
I almost killed someone today
because I thought it he was undead.
540
00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:28,407
You're right. I'm a bigot.
541
00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:30,575
- Honey...
- No, it's true.
542
00:23:30,923 --> 00:23:33,161
I judge people based on the
strength of their pulse,
543
00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:35,497
rather than the strength
of their character.
544
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:38,208
I don't wanna join a group that's
gonna encourage that in me.
545
00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:43,880
You are exactly the person who
should be a Knight of Serbia.
546
00:23:45,298 --> 00:23:46,298
What do you mean?
547
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:49,177
Well, you're self-aware
and willing to change, and...
548
00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:51,179
maybe you're the one who could fix
549
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:55,851
their backwards 13th century
bullshit thinking. Maybe...
550
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,019
that's your purpose.
551
00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:04,526
I like your version of me.
552
00:24:05,735 --> 00:24:07,112
And you have my word...
553
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,865
that no matter what I say or do
as a Knight...
554
00:24:10,407 --> 00:24:12,701
I pledge my allegiance only to you.
555
00:24:13,034 --> 00:24:16,288
And I'll do everything in my power
to protect you.
556
00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:21,668
And I solemnly vow to fulfill
the duties of my Knighthood
557
00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:23,753
with unwavering fealty.
558
00:24:29,926 --> 00:24:32,929
[JOEL] I shall vanquish the undead
wherever they may be.
559
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:36,683
On land or sea or ice.
560
00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:41,021
I vow to be vigilant
and prepared for battle, at all times.
561
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:55,410
[JOEL] To face darkness without fear...
562
00:24:55,952 --> 00:24:57,621
evil without trepidation.
563
00:24:57,871 --> 00:24:58,871
[SPLAT]
564
00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:06,379
I pledge to this Knight my steadfast
support, no matter the hardship.
565
00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:10,300
Even through loss of limb,
organ or hair.
566
00:25:10,592 --> 00:25:14,846
His trials shall be as my own,
his enemies my enemies.
567
00:25:18,391 --> 00:25:19,851
[MAN] Hi, may take your order?
568
00:25:20,101 --> 00:25:22,896
Would you rather be pulled through
a large space slowly
569
00:25:22,979 --> 00:25:24,773
or a small space quickly?
570
00:25:25,148 --> 00:25:26,597
[MAN] I don't understand...
571
00:25:28,902 --> 00:25:30,529
And should my time come to serve,
572
00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:33,406
I will respect my duties as
rightful heir to the Knighthood,
573
00:25:33,782 --> 00:25:35,951
observing no holiday from my burdens,
574
00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:38,411
save the eve of Saint Swithin's day.
575
00:25:44,626 --> 00:25:46,253
[MAN] You guys want ketchup or mus...
576
00:25:47,045 --> 00:25:48,421
[SCREAMING]
577
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:55,178
I hereby declare thee...
578
00:25:55,845 --> 00:25:58,348
Sir Joel, Knight of Serbia.
579
00:26:04,688 --> 00:26:05,689
My brave Knight.
580
00:26:06,106 --> 00:26:07,691
I feel safer already.
581
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:13,488
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
582
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:20,787
What happens next? We should pay a visit
to the new Knight of Serbia.
583
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,292
You mean kill him, right?
584
00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:27,002
Thought that was implied.
585
00:26:28,295 --> 00:26:29,295
But, yes.
44390
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