All language subtitles for Olly Alexander Growing Up Gay BBC Documentary 2017 (480p_25fps_H264-128kbit_AAC)

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting

I'm Olly Alexander.

I'm lead singer of the band Years & Years and an out gay man.

- Back seat, what's up?
- Hiya!
- Hiya!

I've also recently come out about my struggles with my mental health.

I have anxiety and depression, and I'm not alone.

There's a perception that in 2017,

for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender people, it's all good.

We have equal marriage, we're protected in rights.

But...

the stats tell us that 40% of LGBT people

are likely to suffer with mental health issues

like anxiety and depression,

compared to 25% of the general population.

That's outrageous.

And I feel like it's something we are just ignoring.

It's something that I come across all the time

from fans of Years & Years in letters,

when I talk to them at shows.

It's something I know about my own personal experience,

but also my friends who are in the community.

I, personally, have yet to meet a LGBT person that hasn't...

..been unscathed by... growing up LGBT.

I mean, I haven't.

I want to understand why and what impact growing up gay has had on me.

MUSIC: Take Shelter by Years & Years

CHEERING

PIANO PLAYING, CHUCKLING

Three, four...

# What to say about dreams... #

INDISTINCT LYRICS

I'm making this film while writing and rehearsing

the difficult second album.

No-one can say I don't like a challenge.

And again.

# And you're reaching for your brother's arms

# The two-tone flash of the alarm

# And I choke

# It's too close... # THEY CHUCKLE

# And you're standing on that higher step

# I think I'll run away from this

# I go

# It's to F... # Then G.

'I've lived with anxiety and depression since my teenage years.

'I guess I'm lucky because I recognised the problem and got help.

'But I do still have regular lapses.'

As a band, we're pretty good at talking about our feelings.

We've gotten better at it, as well,

and it's... It's kind of a crazy environment to be in.

I take my medication. I see a therapist once a week.

And yeah, I have highs and lows. Um...

And I get freaked out a lot.

But it's not as much as I used to,

and I'm much better at managing stuff, you know.

It helps that my bandmates, Mikey and Emre, are hugely supportive

when I do have an anxiety attack, or when I can't get out of bed.

When you go on stage, you're on stage

and there's nothing you can do to get out of that situation.

It's more acute for him cos he's...

Cos he's right at the centre, front.

And singing, I think, is a very personal thing to do.

- We can hide a bit behind our...
- Yeah!
- ..our synths.

But, yeah, there's been a few times when we've had to...prop him up

when he didn't want to go on stage

or didn't want to go back on for the encore

and just wasn't feeling very confident.

When we're on tour, I just get into this quite ,like,

like a robot athlete.

Like, I'm just...you know, like, focus, I go to bed early,

I, like, have to be good to myself and I have to perform on stage

and almost not think too much about everything that's going on

because I've had times when I've, you know, just come off stage

and had, like, a panic attack and I'm sobbing

and I have to go back on stage.

LAUGHS: And it's like... You know, just like...

You, like, take the microphone, you're on stage smiling,

and you're just like, "This is a nightmare."

And that's not a good place to be in.

I've probably been aware of my depression and anxiety

for about 12 years.

But I often wonder where it came from and what caused it.

I've always kept diaries, so they feel like a good place to begin.

What I started to notice when I was reading back these diaries

was how...really early on,

I start to feel really distressed

and I don't tell anyone about it, I don't think.

So I'm 14, turning 15.

I think my parents have just split up.

And I'm starting to really have, like, long periods of feeling low

and feeling people don't understand me

and feeling kind of just unhappy and confused by it.

"2nd of October, 2005.

"The other night was the worst it's ever been.

"I need to remember this.

"I remember dancing - that was awesome,

"feeling consumed by such incredible energy.

"But I was so hot, so I took my shirt off,

"just my small black T-shirt left.

"Dancing, and then Matt came up to me and saw my plaster on my arm.

"And then came the words I've been waiting for ever since I began.

"'You haven't been cutting yourself, have you?'"

HE EXHALES Boy!

I just wanted to do it because I felt like it was...

I had all these feelings that I couldn't...deal with,

so, you know, harming myself was, like...

..seemed the most obvious way to deal with it.

It felt, like...simple and...

you know, it felt good to do it.

But then it felt awful. And then it was just this cycle.

And then a year later, I kind of stop doing that,

and I develop an eating disorder, basically.

Throwing up food and just constantly...

constantly thinking about what I'm eating.

Like, I've just written pages of, "I will not eat bread.

"I will not eat cakes.

"I will not eat chocolate. I will not eat bread.

"I will not eat cakes. I will not eat chocolate."

It's a really hard thing to talk about.

HE LAUGHS

That's why I'm trying to talk about it.

We want to tell people that we're proud and that we're happy and that,

look, being gay didn't make me sad, it didn't make me...

It hasn't made things harder for me, it's made them better.

It's made things great. Look at how...

You know? And then it can be hard to then go, "Actually,

I think maybe growing up gay in a straight world, um...

has really affected me and has made me feel all these things, and I

think that can be a really hard thing for people to actually say.

You know, I'm not saying that being gay means you're going to be sad or

you're going to be depressed. I'm not saying that.

But...there's a link.

And I think

I want to understand it better.

Reading back my diaries,

it's shocking to see how low I was at that time.

I'm in a better place now, but I'm pretty sure that, for me,

a big part of my struggles with mental health are down to those

years of coming to terms with my sexuality.

During that time, I was living at home with my mum.

Going home can be a difficult experience.

I feel like I was a different person when I was a teenager growing up.

On the way here, like, "Why do I feel sick?"

And it feels a bit like facing up to some painful memories.

I left school and then moved

to London, and I have a different life now, and it's like

now I'm realising that part of me is sort of trying to, like,

squash down a lot of that and be

like, "Well, I'm this different person now," you know.

Sleepy Coleford is a far cry from my hectic life in London.

It's where my lovely mum Vicky still lives.

- Hello?
- O-o-o-oh.

- Mwah!
- How are you doing?

I'm good. How are you?

- You look lovely.
- Well, you look even lovelier.

THEY LAUGH

This is my old room.

'I moved here with my mum and brother a few years after my parents

split up and my dad moved away.'

This is it.

This is my room from about 16.

I feel a bit, like, it's like living in a cupboard under the stairs.

I think 16-year-old me was very...

..very emotional.

And I felt a bit, like, lonely because I didn't really tell...

I wasn't really telling anybody about it.

I always felt, really, like I was maybe a freak.

Like I was really different, because

people were just telling me that I was different all the time, really.

Part of me really liked being weird, liked being different.

I thought that was...

that was who I was, but then another part of me thought it was...

just wished, I wished I was like everyone else,

I wished I was normal.

"Normal." My God, I can't believe I said I wished I was normal!

I don't wish I was normal.

Yeah.

I hate that word.

I don't think my mum really knew what was going on for me back then,

so I've decided it's time we talked about it.

So I've got something to show you.

What is it?

I haven't seen Mum for a few months and she's been going through all our

old home videos.

Terrifying.

- Is that me?
- Yes.

'Steps - The Next Step Live, which is so cool, it's got all the songs.'

HE LAUGHS

'Well, it's the last Christmas of the 20th century,

'and I'm so excited.'

HE LAUGHS IN EMBARRASSMENT

Oh, my God! I feel sick.

# I don't want no scrubs

# A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me

# Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride

# Trying to holler at me. #

I look so uncomfortable.

I was bullied from when I was nine until I was about 15.

But I didn't really tell anyone.

I don't know if you knew, but in primary school,

I started getting bullied.

I looked like a girl. They said I looked like a girl.

- Really?
- Yeah. Because I had long hair.

- And then that became that I was gay.
- Oh!

And then in secondary school, yeah...

I started to, like, think that I was gay,

- and then...
- Mmm.

..that became...

I just wished, I was just like, "I don't want to be gay,"

- and I kind of...
- It was too much.

I already felt like people picked on me and then I was like,

"This is going to be even worse," and then...

I think...I don't know.

It seems like I was just, like...

putting jazz hands over everything.

I think about when you asked me, did I know that you were gay?

- Yeah.
- I said, you know, I had a feeling that you might be.

But maybe I didn't want to, um...

- affirm that because of fear...
- Mmm.

..of what your life might become like,

from all the homophobia that still exists out there.

- So the bullying...?
- When I was, like, 14, 15, it kind of stopped.

And then you started becoming anorexic, bulimic.

I was bulimic, really, and then having...

I was restricting food, as well.

And I would self-harm.

SHE SIGHS

I remember thinking, "Why's this happening?"

I don't think we really had a...

a full conversation about... Did we?

Yeah.

HE SOBS

Yeah, I guess.

I guess I think I might have been in denial, maybe, or...

I felt so bad because I couldn't explain to you what was going on,

and I felt ashamed of myself for, like, being the way I was,

and I couldn't tell you.

And, like...

Could anything have been different if you'd been able to talk to me?

I can't help but feel guilty as a parent.

What could I have...? Oh, I don't...

There was nothing you could have done.

I couldn't talk about it.

- No.
- I hadn't come to terms with myself at all with anything.

You're a great mum. You are a great mum.

I feel like I'm starting to sort of blame myself a little bit less.

I can see why maybe I did struggle the way I did, because...

..like, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone.

And I was ashamed of myself.

And part of that was because I was ashamed of being gay.

And no wonder, really, that it then caused me to...

..get so low and,

you know, feel the way I did about things.

The shame I felt from such a young age must have had a major impact

on my mental health.

School was a horrible time for me, and bulimia and self-harm

were my ways of coping.

I felt I couldn't talk to anybody, not even my best friend, Georgina.

Hi, George!

Sometimes I think

the closer someone is to you, the harder it is to share.

Georgina, we were so close.

We spent every day together.

You know, there did come a time when we were aware that the other was

going through some stuff, but we just... We didn't know how to have a

conversation about it.

Do you remember when we first laid eyes on each other?

Yeah. THEY LAUGH

I just remember you having curtains and a choker,

and following...literally following me around, like this.

Oh, my God!

You were, like, stalking me everywhere.

HE LAUGHS Oh, my God!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I was obsessed with you from the first moment.
- Awww.

George was someone who helped me survive my traumatic school years.

Oh, my God, like, it's not even here any more!

This is so weird. It's all gone.

Yeah.

- I find it quite hard to actually remember stuff.
- Yeah.

Getting bullied, but it wasn't really ever that bad, physically,

but it just was being made to feel like I was different and I didn't

- fit in and stuff.
- Yeah, yeah.

There was a general kind of vocabulary around you being used

that wasn't...that wasn't positive, I guess.

Yeah. Did you think I was gay, always think I was gay?

Yeah. But then you started seeing girls and...

I don't know, I guess, yeah, I was confused, looking, like,

from a friend point of view, yeah.

Always knowing, but then never...

maybe never having the courage to bring it up with you or something,

even though we were really close, but...

- I don't know how you would have.
- Yeah.
- Like, "Babe..."

- THEY LAUGH
- Yeah. "Do you know that you're gay?"
- "I think you're gay."

- Yeah.
- I think at school, I learned that people around me

were my enemies.

You know, like, other kids were going to be mean to me.

I was always on guard, on the defensive all the time.

It just creates this, like... Even talking about it now, I'm, like,

getting anxiety about it and it's...

Yeah. I never liked spending time with kids my own age because I

thought they'd be mean to me and that...

Yeah, I guess I learned that at school, that I didn't fit in with

them, so I should... I'd have to go find somewhere else to fit in.

Looking back,

I think that rejection had a huge impact on my mental health.

George wants to take me back to one of her old haunts.

We danced together a lot in our teens and we can't help repeat

old habits whenever we get together.

And I do not need any excuse to dance.

Put a mirror in front of me and I'm just, like,

"Sorry, I'm too busy looking at myself."

And turn.

- We used to make our own dance routines up.
- Yeah.

- BOTH:
- Scoop.

- Loop.
- Loop.

- Scoop.
- Scoop.

THEY LAUGH

It feels just like old times.

But a lot has happened to both of us.

Whilst we've both grown-up queer,

George has only recently had the courage to come out.

And she's had her own issues to deal with.

I started having kind of breakdowns.

Like, at the end of primary school,

I would just cry and I didn't know why, and...

..and then that kind of continued

throughout secondary school, as well.

There were, like, moments of just real distress.

I started developing symptoms of an eating disorder

when I was, like, 11 or 12.

I knew you had a difficult relationship with eating.

And then I think I then told you that I thought I was bulimic.

I remember that conversation.

Cos, for me, kind of being confused about these feelings that I was

having and trying to suppress them because I wasn't... I didn't know

what to do with them and where to place them in terms of trying to

dull it down and not act on it or...

not even knowing how to act on it, anyway.

It was really good to hear that stuff and part of me was like,

"Why didn't we tell each other at the time?" But...

Well, I wish that the first time I was questioning my sexuality,

it had felt safe to say, "Oh, I don't know what my sexuality is.

"Maybe I'm gay." I wish that had

been something I could have done, you know.

Because it wasn't. And so that's your first introduction to your

sexuality, is that it's wrong and that you have to hide it.

You cannot underestimate shame.

The moment it kind of creeps into your life from a really young

age, for LGBT people,

the moment that you realise that you're different to everyone else,

that just plants the seed of toxic

pain, and it just grows and grows and grows, and then it just gets

larger and larger as you grow older,

and I think that has a huge impact.

I left school ten years ago now

and I doubt the effects will ever leave me.

I'd hoped things had changed, but a brand-new study by Stonewall shows

that half of all LGBT teens are bullied at school.

Today I'm meeting a young guy called Connor.

He's just turned 15.

He's gay and he was bullied out of his school.

- Hello.
- Hello!
- Come in.
- Thanks.

- Hello, mate, are you all right?
- Hi, Connor.
- Hi, Olly.

- How are you doing?
- Good, thanks.

How did you get on at school?

Usual. Just boring.

Near enough?

Well, school's definitely not changed that much, then.

- When did you come out?
- At school.

- 13.
- Right.

I feel like it's a really brave

thing to come out as young as you did.

How bad did the bullying get?

At one point,

a group of girls had spread a rumour that I'd done stuff with an older

boy, and the boy found me the next day, grabbed me by the throat at the

- top of a set of stairs and pushed me down them.
- Wow.

Mum phoned the school,

had a go at them, and I think the next day or something,

she had a meeting with the headmistress and told her, I'm...

She's taking me out of school and she isn't bringing me back.

You feel like you're alone, you have no want to go to,

you feel insecure about yourself,

you feel like there is completely nothing you can do to change it and

people targeting you for no apparent reason,

apart from you being you, is just heartbreaking.

At one point, I was self-harming quite badly and I do still have

scars from it. I was quite suicidal.

I admit I did try to attempt it,

because I didn't think I deserved to be here any more, I felt like I was

a disgrace and I couldn't turn to anyone.

- Did you talk to your mum?
- No, I didn't talk to anyone.

I pushed everyone that I was close to away from me.

I think it's really, um...

It's so hard to talk about, you know, thoughts of suicide.

- Yeah.
- Because I think it really scares people.

- It's a scary thing.
- It is, yeah.
- It really scares people.

- Yeah.
- And it obviously... It's so good to talk about it.

- Yeah.
- It is, yeah.

Because it relieves people from stress and thinking they're,

like, alone in feeling that way, and you can help other people get

- out of that state...
- Yeah.

..cos you know what it's like, being in there yourself.

Connor isn't alone.

Stonewall's study shows that two in three LGBT teens will have

self-harmed, and one in four - including 45% of trans pupils -

will have attempted to take their own life.

It's so awful to think that these young people can't imagine their

bright futures whilst in the midst of being bullied.

I want to find out how Connor's mum Helen coped with her son being in

- crisis.
- He was very depressed, very suicidal,

um...

self-harming...

How did you know that that was going on?

He didn't tell me, he's just got very withdrawn and I didn't trust

him being on his own. I knew something wasn't right.

And I made...used to make him get in bed with me,

just so I knew where he was and that

he was safe, so I could get sleep and...

You feel like you've failed as a parent.

You really, really do.

I just want to say...

- Sorry.
- No, no, don't apologise. It's...

I just wanted to tell you that I have had a conversation with my mum

really similar to this, and she said, like,

really similar things, because she felt she didn't know what was going

on with me when I was at school.

- Yeah.
- And it was really hard for her, I think, as well.

- I'm sorry.
- Give me a hug.

- No, I'm sorry, too.
- Sorry.

Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

- No.
- I'm sorry.

Please don't apologise.

No, you do, you feel like you've failed as a parent, because your job

as a parent is to protect your child, and you can't protect them

from everything because you're not there 24/7.

Of course you can't, of course you can't.

How people cannot speak to the children just because

they have come out as transgender, bisexual,

lesbian, gay...so bloody what?

- They're your child. That's...
- Yeah.
- Sorry.

When she was talking about Connor having thoughts of suicide,

I can't imagine, you know...

..someone, you know, saying that to my mum,

even though, you know, like...

I did have some really dark thoughts at that time...

..and you don't know... You don't know how to deal with it.

With his mum's support, Connor is doing so much better.

She's found him a local LGBT youth group called Blah, where he gets to

hang out with young people like him.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi!
- Hey!

- This is Olly.
- Hiya!

I just think it goes to show, like,

Connor was going through all this stuff, and then it took him talking

to his mum, leaving his school, but then finding a youth group for him

to then start feeling more on top of things.

Having youth groups and having places where

young queer people can meet each other and share stories and, like,

find support with each other is just so good.

It's been so good for Connor. If I'd had an LGBT youth group,

I feel like that would've been amazing!

For many of us,

our introduction to other LGBT people is through going out on the

gay scene, which is exactly what I did when I was 19.

I moved to East London and I started going out a lot, and it was kind of

this awakening in some ways, because I was meeting all these people that

I was so in awe of, they just seemed so self-possessed and colourful and

vibrant, and they were always at these clubs,

every weekend, and I would go every weekend and I would get to know

everybody and I started going out, I think, too much.

Like, Thursday to Sunday to Monday every week, and now when I think

back about it, I think for it to be really focused around

partying, drugs and sex,

it can really, I don't know, slip in to a really damaging...

..cycle, and it can... I think it can really, if you're already a

vulnerable person, it can really just trap you,

and it's hard to find a way out.

I'm meeting a guy called Sean -

he's 25, he's from London

and he is going through struggles with drug use.

Sean is fresh out of an intensive drugs programme, and I'm nervous to

meet him as this issue feels close to home for me and many of my

gay male friends.

- Ah, hello! Finally get to meet you.
- Yeah.
- It's nice to meet you.

I'm keen to break the ice with Sean,

and dancing is always a good way to do it.

# This is how we do it. #

MUSIC: This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan

Yeah! Oh, no.

- Switch.
- Wait, which leg is that?

Oh, yeah.

- To the side. You really did it!
- LAUGHTER

- Travel forward.
- Slide! Slide!

Slide!

Wahey!

I want to ask Sean what he thinks may have led to his addiction.

- When did you come out?
- I came out officially when I was 17.

- OK.
- I got forced out, really.

My mum asked me one day, "Are you gay?"

And it took me a good 30 minutes before answering, because it was

kind of a big decision for me,

so I told her the truth, it had a backlash.

- Fuck.
- She told me to go to my dad's.

So she, like, basically chucked you out?

Yeah, it was fairly hard.

I took it very...like, rejection

from my own mother.

It wasn't eventually until my mum said,

"I'm not upset that you're gay, I still love you, you're my son.

"I'm more scared that if there is a Hell and the Bible says you're

"going to Hell, you will be there, and if I do go to Heaven, I will be

"there. How will I live in peace in Heaven?"

It was hard to be by myself, I had to learn everything by myself.

- Yeah.
- It feels like, yeah, like,

loneliness and isolation is something that a lot of queer people

- experience.
- Yeah, exactly.

School was horrible.

You tell someone, "A faggot?"

That straightaway is like using the N-word,

if I'm allowed to say that.

It's... It's rude.

That created a lot of friction and a lot of fights broke out,

a lot of arguments. That's the blessing in the isolation, I guess.

I can only say, from my experience, it pushed me into dark places.

The whole culture of cruising...

It felt so...

because it was secretive and I was secretive, it went hand-in-hand.

No-one asked my name, and then

they didn't have to, I got what I wanted, they got what they wanted,

we went our separate ways.

What do you think you were looking for, like, when you went crazy?

Acceptance. Someone to love me.

I didn't get it much anywhere else.

Then as soon as I hit 18, I started sex clubs and saunas, dark rooms.

Do you feel like it went too far, like, on occasions?

Yeah. I slipped into typical gay drugs.

I began with MDMA and then...

..meeting one person,

they helped me into what the gay community called "slamming".

Slamming is when you inject yourself,

and I was injecting crystal meth.

I would be around people who would

give it to me and I would give them my body.

Unfortunately,

the hard lesson had to come from it, and unfortunately I was...

..drugged and raped,

and through that, I got given hepatitis C.

Now, I'm still in treatment now for it.

I fully can't remember the rape, I just remember waking up and

crawling back home. I'll be honest, after the rape, I didn't stop.

I craved more, I craved...

I felt dirty, so I had to be in the dirty area.

In my head, that darkness was my friend.

When rejection comes at you from all these different sides, and

you...all you want is, you're seeking connection and intimacy.

If you even get a shred of acceptance from anybody, from

anything, like maybe Sean got when he first went cruising or he got

when he first went to a party, you know, like, that is all

you have to cling to.

So, of course, that's just going to reinforce itself.

I know that when I was first

sort of going out in the gay scene in East London,

it was just a given that you would do drugs.

You know, it went hand-in-hand with, like, partying,

celebrating and dancing, and that's kind of, you know, the positive side

of gay nightlife, but then it so

easily tipped in...tips into really damaging behaviour.

The feeling of rejection got worse for Sean when he felt he couldn't be

accepted by either parent and was left homeless,

sleeping rough in Soho.

Thank you.

I was on the streets for a good two weeks.

How did you survive?

You do all the bad, rough things that you shouldn't really be doing.

It was just a bad moment.

It was the wrong way to go about things, it was the wrong way to

find who I was.

I feel like you didn't have a choice, like, just when you're

saying, like, "Oh, it was the wrong way to do things,"

just, I don't know.

It was the lowest point of my life that I ever got to, and...

I hope I never get back there again.

- Yeah.
- Really. Yeah.
- It's hard to hear you talk about it.

Yeah.

Sean isn't a one-off.

Young LGBT people are much more likely to become homeless,

making up almost a quarter of young homeless people.

For most of them, like Sean,

their sexual or gender identity was

a factor in their rejection from home.

Hearing Sean's story has really affected me.

I think Sean is...

just very close to home and...

..you know,

not just my experience but so many people who are close to me and

people that, you know, aren't here any more because...

Or for whatever reason, and I just, like...

I just think it's... Oh, my God.

I'm not going to cry in my, like...

..selfie, in my kitchen.

Addiction is a form of self-harm.

Bulimia is another, and it disproportionately affects gay men.

These are usually coping mechanisms,

and there's often a secrecy around them.

With my bulimia, no-one really knew, you just can't tell.

Today I'm in Brighton

to meet a gay guy called Tom who is still very much in crisis.

I'm really looking forward to meeting him, also quite nervous.

I suppose because I've never actually spoken that much about my

bulimia, and every time I do speak about it,

I talk about it like it was a long time ago.

I'm quite apprehensive of

discussing it with somebody who's going through it.

Tom is a 21-year-old English student at university.

He's had to defer his final year because of his poor mental health.

When I was about 15,

I started turning to food to sort of cope with various things,

and that's when I started to start bingeing and then purging

and making myself sick, and sort of on and off, I have used that over

the last five years,

sometimes, like, really intensely, sometimes not so much.

Yeah, as either a coping mechanism,

a way of controlling my body, and then in the last few years,

it's probably got into its most

intense point while I've been at university.

At his worst last year,

Tom was bingeing and purging up to six times a day,

putting his body under huge amounts of pressure.

I think it's probably got a lot to do with coming into my own in terms

of my sexuality, starting to, like, try and dip my toe into, like,

dating guys and actually sex,

and I think that's when the pressures of looking a certain way,

acting a certain way, have really sort of got to me, and then

alongside just finding university difficult.

Is there a specific

thing that makes you feel like, that you think, "OK, now I'm...

"This is making me feel really bad"?

I've got myself into a pattern now where I weigh myself constantly

throughout the day. And so that's become a very big sort of fixture,

is trying to keep that at a certain level, so that I'm always

comfortable with where that is.

And so if that, for any reason, is, like, gone up or down a bit,

then that will often sort of trigger certain behaviours.

How do you feel about stopping?

The idea of stopping...

Yeah, it's an impossibility.

I have no idea how I would go about stopping.

I can't really picture a life where I don't do it.

Because I don't know what I'd do instead.

It's such a difficult...

I mean, I found it so difficult to even want to stop, and I can see

that's something that he's grappling with now.

Something about sharing, sharing that...

It feels really good, it feels good, actually.

Speaking to people who you share an experience with can be so powerful.

Tom and I have arranged to attend an eating-disorder group together.

I'm still dealing with my issues around eating and feel nervous about

opening up.

Yeah, we're going to the UK's only men-only eating disorder group and

sit in on their session. So that's going to be really interesting.

- Hi.
- Hi.

The session is being run by Dr Will Devlin from

Men Get Eating Disorders Too.

Well, welcome. Lovely to have you here.

Tom and I are joining members Lawrence and Michael.

I was diagnosed with bulimia last year, but I started sort of showing

the symptoms when I was 15, 16.

I'm 21 now and I'm still struggling with it quite a lot,

I'd say I'm still in the throes of it.

I don't feel like bulimia's really part of my life any more but I still

have this

difficult relationship with food. I feel like it's like your brain gets

- rewired at some point along the way.
- Yeah.
- It sees food or thinks about

food in a certain way and then once it's wired like that,

it's so hard to just undo it.

They seem to say that they all happen at 13, 14, 15, as well.

Is there, like, a reason for that?

Does it relate to...

how we connect with people at that formative age, and if we don't,

then what do you use?

Do you go into drugs or do you go on to alcohol abuse or do you go into

- eating disorders?
- I just was so wanting people to take notice,

in a way. If I just said, "I'm sad," people would be like, "OK, sure."

But if I'm like, "No, I'm actually sad and ill," then they might take

it a bit more seriously.

I ended up going to hospital and, you know,

I had a really irregular heartbeat and the doctor was like,

"Are you throwing up?" You know, I kind of was...

I kind of admitted that that was what I was doing and she was like,

"Well, I think this is because of that."

I felt so ashamed that, you know,

this was what's happened and I'd drawn so much attention to myself,

and I felt like it was really serious.

But I still carried on, really - it took me another, like, four,

five years to sort of stop.

Tom, I wonder what it's like to hear the other guys, cos in some ways,

you're at quite a different place in the journey.

Knowing that there are people who

are better, it's a nice reassurance.

But it's still such an unreal concept.

It's certainly not making me think, "Oh, I'm still in the middle of it,

"how shit for me," it's just

- such a foreign concept, I'm still not sure how I'm processing it.
- Mmm.

Just to hear from other people is so much more important than anyone ever

gives it credit for.

And there's something so important about knowing that you're not

- the only one battling something.
- Yeah.

I can't tell you how brave I think Tom is.

I can't imagine what it must be like to still be in the middle of that

and be talking about it.

I think it's an incredible thing that he's doing.

Tom has just done something I never did -

open up about his eating disorder while still going through it.

Hopefully it'll help him recover and overcome the stigma.

I've decided to take this idea of

talking about things to a whole new level.

So I'm in London, I'm in East London,

and tonight we are putting on a mental-health-themed night at

The Glory, which is a local gay bar,

and I'm going to have performances and, yeah, I think it's going to be

really, really fun. I'm really excited.

I'm putting on the night with East End drag royalty Jonny Woo.

- Hi, Jonny!
- Hello, how are you?

- Oh, my God. This is amazing!
- I know, this is my honesty box.

- Let me have a look at it.
- Do you like it?
- It's beautiful.

- Did you do it yourself?
- Yeah. I'm just going to set up here, then.

I made this honesty box to allow people to post their true fears and

anxieties. It's clear none of us are talking enough about mental health

and I want this event to encourage people to share.

Some will do this through performances, and I hope for others

my box will be a start. I think, as queer people,

once we come out, and I think there's this pressure to, sort of,

behave like everything's fine and you're happy and proud, and it

doesn't matter who you are, there's really a stigma around

talking about mental health.

It's hard for everybody, but I think there's kind of a...

It's quite a specific issue in the queer community that I think is...

makes it a hard thing to address.

Owning up to there being a problem is a good step forward.

The next step, throw some glitter at it.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Olly and Jonny Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to The Glory's Big Gay Mental Health Night...

CHEERING

..celebrating, investigating and getting to the bottom

of gay mental health.

Now to enlist some confessions and darkest fears.

Can you come and write in my mental health box?

I might. I mean, I've got a story and a half to tell, so...

Put it in. Your, like, thoughts and feelings, your secrets,

or whatever, confessions. There's, like, pens and paper

and stuff over there.

I'm supposed to steer clear of queer company...

People with mental health problems, they just need a little respect.

# One more time, let's do it again. #

# I left my phone on, and my Grindr kept getting loads of notifications

# And one of them was from my dad! #

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my gosh! Um...

I don't know what to say. It was...

It was amazing.

It was so good!

I asked people to put their confessions in my honesty box.

OK, this one says, "It was frigging scary, but then one day my teacher

"pulled me aside after school and told me about their gay friend.

"It was the first time I'd heard that you could be gay and happy.

"My depression lifted and I came out soon after."

That's nice. This one says, "I hate my body,

"I do not like what I see in the mirror, and I feel I will never find

"a partner until I look better and fit the gay stereotype,

"and it makes me really sad and hopeless sometimes."

"The hate of homosexuality that the world instilled in me as I was

"growing up stays with me.

"It is a battle that I attempt to overcome every day."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's quite shocking to read these, because you're like...

I was there tonight, like everyone was having a good time and it's like

you can have a good time but, you know,

people are actually feeling these things and...

You know, this is, like... you know... That's, like, honest.

Nothing is going to happen unless we talk about this.

Like, it's just not. Like...

We can't pretend like things are going to get better if we don't

fucking talk about it.

Sorry.

Like, it's just not.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Everyone I've spoken to was either bullied at school for being LGBT or

it was made clear that it was shameful.

Imagine the benefits to them if that had been directly challenged.

Today I'm at a school in Wood Green in London, and I've been asked by an

organisation called Diversity Role Models to take part of a workshop

that's all about LGBT issues.

And my good friend Paris Lees is thankfully doing it with me.

Hiya. What are you doing at the bike shed?

Oh, you know me, just hanging around.

How are you? I'm so nervous.

- Me too.
- It's exciting, as well, though, right?

- Yeah, it'll be good. It does look like a nice school, actually.
- Yeah.

Gemma Curtis has been mentoring us on how to be good LGBT role

models, and she'll be holding our hands throughout.

How are you both feeling about telling your stories?

- Scared.
- Yeah.
- HE LAUGHS

I'm excited, but I'm really worried I'm going to cry.

Oh, my God, don't. No.

How many times have you done this, do you think?

- Oh, wow, in schools? Hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds.
- Really?

I'm not going to lie - both Paris and I are petrified.

This is the first time I've been inside a school, I think, since I

left, and I try, like, to not think about, like, young me very much,

- cos it makes me sad.
- Yes.

And then when you're around just, like, loads of young people,

reminds me of when I was young.

- Olly is going to introduce a bit of a game.
- Anagram game. So,

it's going to be some words on this side that are jumbled up, and I want

you to rearrange them into words they actually are meant to be.

- Lesbian.
- Shout out. Lesbian?

- CLASS:
- Lesbian. Gay. Bisexual. Transgender.
- Woo!

- Very good. That was very quick. Yeah.
- We're very impressed.
- OK.

What do we think might be the key issues that somebody who

identifies as LGBT would be dealing with

if they were in school with you guys?

Yeah.

- Bullying.
- What kind of bullying might that be?

"Stay away from me, I don't want to be friends with you."

- So, rejection?
- Yeah.

They'll feel bad about themselves, like, for, like,

- being gay or lesbian.
- Low self-esteem?
- Low self-esteem, yeah.

- Would you say ostracised?
- Yeah, that's a really good word, yes.

I think, because, like, sometimes people aren't comfortable coming out

to their parents and they...their parents might judge them, they think

other people might be worse and, like, act differently towards them.

- Excellent.
- I don't think this board's big enough, actually.

Let's give Olly a big round of applause.

Thank you.

Yeah, so, my name's Olly.

Hello, it's very nice to meet all of you.

I was going to tell you a little bit about my story,

my time at school. You know,

people would say to me that the things that I did were gay,

or the clothes that I wore were gay. And they meant it in a negative way.

And they told me to stop being gay.

"Stop behaving gay." That I was a poof or a fag, you know,

or they'd make fun of me or they'd push me around in the playground.

And...I was really terrified that I might actually be gay.

Like, maybe they were right,

like the things they were saying to me might be true.

But I didn't want to admit it, like,

because I thought being gay was a bad thing.

I felt ashamed. I think the words we use are so important.

We can't forget that.

I really hope you've got some questions,

and you're going to write them down on a post-it note.

Now it's time to see if we got them thinking.

"Did you ever use the word gay in a negative way yourself, to fit in?"

- Olly.
- Erm... I think I probably did, you know?

Yeah. The pressure to fit in is really big, isn't it?

"Did you get help from your school, Paris?"

No, and it's a really good question.

More kids are being supported in schools now,

and I think that's a really good thing.

With the support of their school and their family,

they are much more likely to be happy, healthy

and not have problems.

"How can I help my friend with coming out?"

Supporting your friends...a friend who wants to come out is all about

just, you know, being respectful of how they feel.

And if you do see abuse or your friend suffering,

you're ready to step in and help in some way,

even if it's just being there for them.

I wish I went to this school.

I wish I'd gone to this school, too.

We've done research which shows that two years, three years down the

line, they still remember the facts of the stories of the role models

- that came in.
- Yeah.
- So your stories kind of will seep in.

- People remember stories, yeah.
- Yeah, they do.

I mean, I just keep thinking, if this had happened in my school, I

- just... It blows my mind that it can happen in this environment.
- Yeah.

It works, too.

On average, in all the schools Diversity Role Models have worked in

over the last two years,

over 40% of students said they use homophobic or transphobic language

before the session, and only 15% would after.

It's great what they're doing, but why should a charity be doing this?

Shouldn't schools be addressing this anyway as part of the curriculum?

Without a shadow of a doubt,

it would have made such a difference if I'd had LGBT-inclusive

sex-and-relationship education.

It would have helped me in so many ways,

and it would have helped other queer kids,

but also it would have helped the kids that weren't queer,

that were straight. Like, everybody benefits from this kind of

sex-and-relationship education.

I'm learning more and more the benefits of how good it feels to

talk about stuff, and also being honest with yourself about how

you're feeling, something I fear Sean hasn't entirely been doing.

We were meant to meet up a couple of weeks ago,

but he had to reschedule because he was having a lot of anxiety and

panic attacks and things.

So I think he's going through a really tough time at the moment.

I'm hoping he feels he can talk to me about what's been going on.

- How you doing?
- Oh, good.
- Yeah?
- Good. Hanging in there.

I am what we call in recovery, lapsing, um...

..and I lapsed into doing drugs again.

Um... I came home from work, it was a bad day of work,

I just really wanted to just do nothing.

And I got a text from someone I previously did drugs with.

Because I was so down on myself and my self-worth,

before I knew it the voice in my head wanting to go and do drugs...

It made my heart really beat out of my chest.

I was thinking...

.."Finally I'm going to get some.

"Finally I'm going to get what I want.

"Finally I'm going to go back to what I felt was normal."

It's clear Sean is still in the midst of some very tough times,

but he seems so together.

Putting on a brave face is something I do, too.

- So you know when we met last time...
- Yeah?
- ..and talking about kind of...

..glossing over things or making things sound like everything's

- fine, and you were saying stuff to me like...
- Yeah.

.."I was drugged and raped and this happened and this happened but,

"you know, it was a real positive experience and here I am now." and,

like... It just sounded like it was so hard for you.

And I felt like you weren't acknowledging that.

Yeah. I don't like the memory of it...

- Yeah.
- ..but at the same time I do think about it.

I think about it a lot.

The moments that I talk about

anything personal,

I always put on a smile because I don't like anyone thinking that I'm

- weak...
- Yeah.
- ..or vulnerable or...

things that make me look like I'm damaged goods.

And those moments, especially that moment of

me getting raped, it was...

I don't know what to say, it was...

..a difficult time, because I still blame myself.

Why? Why do you blame yourself?

I guess it's the bad habit of beating myself up.

- Yeah.
- Trying to see what
- I
- did wrong.

Instead of seeking help to try and go, "OK, you went through this,

"let's move on from that," I really just pushed it down,

hence why I'm always smiling and always giving this...

"I'm fine" persona.

I don't know, it's like some of the stuff that he was saying, like...

Hearing it is quite hard because, you know, he was saying, like, he

still blames himself for being raped. Like, what the fuck?! Like...

You know, that's really... Oh!

It's just, people shouldn't have to feel like that. God!

Oh... HE WEEPS

Yeah, it's just... It's horrible.

It does really hit close to home because...

You know, it's like...

I feel like it's just something...

..that me and my friends have had experience with.

I've had friends that aren't here any more because...

You know? And it's like...

If one more person goes that way, it's like...

I can't...

Like, it's not right!

Guys that are maybe doing too much drugs and...

It's just scary how it can be, like,

one step away from those people being lost to us, you know?

I don't want that to happen to Sean!

I really don't.

We're losing too many gay men to drugs.

A recent report by Imperial College claims someone dies every 12 days in

London, just from the chemsex drug G,

and drug use generally within the LGBT community is thought to be

seven times higher than the general population.

I think lots of this is down to self-worth.

Following his lapse, I'm so pleased that Sean is seeking further help

from the drugs programme he was on.

Antidote is the UK's only LGBT-specific drug and alcohol

service, and is based at London Friend.

- All right.
- All right.

I'm just very grateful to Sean for letting me hear about his story.

All our stories are connected, you know? And it's...

We can all relate to that, and I...

I still do it, you know?

I still put on a...

put on a smile cos... You know?

I think being honest with ourselves about the wounds that we've been

dealt and the scars that we have is part of the process, you know?

Today my band, Years & Years,

are headlining the Mighty Hoopla Festival in London.

Mighty Hoopla is a festival, kind of organised by the Sink the Pink crew,

who are a queer kind of collective.

Are you ready for our next act?!

It should be a really queer event.

Lots of LGBT people.

CROWD SINGS

I don't actually know where I'm going. LAUGHTER

I think I need to get into a car.

When I look back at myself ten years ago,

the main difference is now I know how to take care of my own mental

health. Like, I have the tools available to me, so if something

comes up, I can be like, "Pow!" You know?

- Knock that back.
- There's a little gap here.

- Do you want me to get that?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- LAUGHTER

- Well, this is a first.
- Are you wearing a jockstrap?
- Yes! LAUGHTER

- Yes, dear!
- Do you like it?

- Yes.
- I had this bright idea that I would like to be

just in my gold underwear, covered in gold glitter,

so that's what...that's what's happening right now.

I'm being covered in gold glitter. Just, I have these ideas and then...

Getting stuck in.

Everyone thought I was joking, but I wasn't.

- How you doing, Mikey?
- Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.

- I'm just wearing normal clothes, looking normal.
- LAUGHTER

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- LAUGHTER

I think we have a real opportunity here to help

younger generations and the ones that come after them.

CHEERING

If it's a choice between kids having low self-esteem, damaged,

feeling undeserving of love, ashamed, versus

encouragement and positivity for them to live their authentic selves

and be who they are, we have to do

everything we can to make sure that happens.

- We just need to reverse.
- So, what do you do?
- OLLY LAUGHS

Then it becomes unquestioned and normal that we have inclusive LGBT

sex-and-relationship education, it becomes normal that parents know how

to talk to their kids about their sexuality, and then we can try and

stop what's...the suffering and pain that's happening.

I think it is really hard not to let how you grew up,

growing up gay in a straight world,

affect you.

My journey has been...

..really trying to reconcile everything

that happened to me growing up and, you know,

now I do things that I never dreamed I would do.

I've gone on stage in, you know, crazy outfits.

I'm really out to everybody.

And I

get to spread a message in front of thousands of people.

The queer community inspires me every day.

We are a very, very diverse community, but I think one thing

that we can have in common is the love and support for each other.

So... CHEERING

And one thing that I've learned recently is, like,

how hard we all find it to talk -

like, really, really to talk.

You need to take some time to actually listen to somebody,

because it can make such a difference.

So this tent loves you, like, no matter what sexuality, gender,

what your body looks like, what you look like, whether you're femme,

whether you're masc, whether you're young or old.

Like, we look out for each other! CHEERING

OK.

# Don't you remember how I used to like being on the line... #

You deserve to have a happy life.

Never think that you shouldn't have love or you shouldn't be entitled to

a happy family or whatever you want.

You deserve to have them.

Young LGBT people are, like, the strongest, bravest,

most inspiring people I know.

# All that I compromised to feel another high

# I've gotta keep it down tonight

# And oh-oh-oh, I was a king under your control

# And oh-oh-oh, I want to feel like you've let me go

# So let me go. #

Merci beaucoup, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE