Original subtitles

I took Woody in when he was a dead-broke nobody.

He owes me, and if he walks,

I'll sue his butt off.

I want my Billy Boy back safe and unharmed!

That's what I want from you!

[Jessica] Tonight on Murder, She Wrote.

You think people are just trash.

You think you can just ruin their lives.

Whoever bashed in that lady's head plays rough,

so stay out of my way on this one.

You walk away from this and I'm out of here,

you understand?

-Just as I thought. -You got something?

Conspiracy, perjury, and murder.

[cheerful orchestral music]

-It's me. -It's not you.

But of course it is.

Damian Sinclair is dashing,

intelligent, witty, compassionate,

all my best traits.

What I take issue with is this Tailor's dummy

some hack illustrator has come up with.

-I look like an aging gigolo. -Well, yes.

There may be one or two minor similarities--

Minor? Is that what you call them?

The man is a reformed jewel thief

who works as an investigator for an insurance company.

All right, all right.

I admit you may have inspired the character--

Aha.

But the resemblance stops right there.

Well, too bad,

because if you'd kept closer to the original,

this narration would not be such a hodgepodge

of far-fetched relationships

and melodramatic plot twists.

Really?

[chuckles] Not that I didn't enjoy them.

But I could tell you stories... in fact, I think I will.

Did I ever tell you about Billy Boy?

No, but I think that you're about to,

in which case, I'd like some more tea.

Allow me. Allow me. Billy Boy.

Now, that was a fascinating little character.

Two feet tall, the disposition of a lemon,

and the manners of an iguana.

It all started... let me see...

last September at a popular night spot

known as Kate Kelley's Comedy Club...

Don't encourage him, please.

Billy, what did you study in school today?

-Miss Schumacher. -[laughter]

I didn't ask you the name of your teacher.

I asked you what you studied.

I heard the question, Elwood.

And what did you learn?

You mean, besides her home phone number?

Billy, you don't understand.

I want you to share with us what you learned today.

Sure, Elwood.

216, that's the area code.

That'll be your half.

[laughter]

Honestly, I don't have the slightest interest

in Miss Schumacher.

Good. That's all I need,

a wet blanket like you horning in on my action.

Nice crowd tonight, huh?

Yeah, they sure like Woody and Billy Boy, Miss Kelley.

Consider the differences in your ages

and your experience.

What she doesn't know, I'll teach her.

Cha-cha-cha.

[laughter and applause]

Honest, folks, I didn't come up with this dumb routine.

Hey, you want to see his lips move?

Ask me what he had for dinner tonight.

Hey, Billy, what did he have for dinner tonight?

Hey, Elwood, what do you know,

a straight man with curves.

[laughter]

Okay, sweetheart, I'll tell you what we had.

[coughs] Italian food.

Well, what kind of Italian food?

We had linguini.

-[grunts] -Ow!

Mounds and mounds of Mama Mia's macaroni

and meat balls.

You want to try that again?

[laughter]

Mounds and mounds of Mama Mia's macaroni

and meat balls.

He's got it.

I think he's got it.

Hey, how 'bout that, huh?

Terrific.

Woody Perkins and Billy Boy.

I told you he was something else, huh?

Woody.

Yeah, having a good time.

Well, that concludes the first show.

Woody.

Woody, that was great.

You killed them out there.

Yeah, then how come they're still breathing?

Maybe I just wounded them a little.

Funny.

If this guy's so funny,

how come I'm still stuck in this run-down flea trap

for short money?

Because you've got a contract, that's why.

Uh-oh, the bride of Dracula.

Don't look at me, honey.

All I got is termites.

Oh, stop that, Woody.

Right now I want to talk to you,

not your dummy, you understand?

Sure, Kate.

I've got a pile of reservations

for the midnight show.

I need you to do another set.

Oh, come on, Kate.

He's already done eight performances this weekend.

Can I help it if San Francisco loves this guy?

Listen, Brunhilde,

you never heard of the emancipation proclamation?

There's a limit to how much--

Listen, Woody, I've told you before.

Stop letting your dummy do your talking for you.

That goes for your other dummy too.

Let me give her a splinter,

just one little splinter.

Forget it, Billy.

Hey, Woody,

we were terrific tonight, weren't we?

Hey, cutie-face, watch the threads.

-Who wants dinner? -Not tonight, Brenda.

Kate wants us to do another set.

You're kidding.

-Woody. -Thanks, Tom.

I guess they really liked us, huh, Woody?

Looks that way.

How was I tonight?

Wonderful.

'Cause I was thinking, Woody.

I think it would help the act if I went up on the stage

you know, like, as part of the routine.

Brenda, it's working fine just the way it is.

I got two lousy lines like I was some tourist

from Kokomo.

Is that the way it's gonna be for the rest of my life, Woody?

No, honey.

It's just that Billy and I working tog-- [knocking]

[sighs]

Excuse me. I'm looking for Woody Perkins.

Hey, there he is! All right, Woody.

Hell of a show, man. I loved it.

I'm Vic Demarco.

-Vic Demarco. -Yeah.

The Vic Demarco?

-Mr. Demarco, Tom Benzinger. -Hi, Tom.

I'm Woody's manager. This is Brenda.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Now, Woody, look, I'm booked into Vegas

for the next two months starting a week from Tuesday,

and I'll tell you the truth.

I came down here tonight hoping to find a new opening act.

You know what? I think maybe it's you.

-Me? -Yeah.

Oh, gee...I don't know.

He doesn't know what to say, but whatever you want,

we can work it out.

Well, good, my manager's right out in the hall.

What do you say we talk about this thing over a drink?

Absolutely.

Uh, Tom...

you know, we talked about

putting together some new material,

maybe working some of the kinks out.

-And I'm not really sure-- -If you left it up to Woody,

he'd still be working kids' birthday parties.

Relax, Woody, we'll take care of it.

Come on, let's talk.

Are you out of your mind?

Vegas, and you want to screw it up?

No, honey. I just don't feel...

No, Woody.

You talk to me, not the dummy, you.

I just don't think we're ready...

Billy and I.

-And me. -And you.

Sure, Brenda, you too.

Listen, Woody

you walk away from this, and I'm out of here.

You understand?

I love you, baby, and I want to be with you.

It's just that when the chance comes,

you've got to take it

not just for yourself, but for the both of us.

Woody...

I want you to do this, Woody.

Please, baby.

Sure, Brenda.

If you want to go to Las Vegas, we'll go.

Do you have a hearing problem?

I said no.

Come on, Kate, eight weeks in Vegas.

Do you realize what this could do for Woody?

Listen, your pal has a job right here

with me for the next seven months.

Check your contract. This kind of place

is supposed to be a stepping stone for him.

Listen, Benzinger,

I took Woody in when he was a dead-broke nobody.

I gave him a chance.

He owes me.

And if he walks, I'll sue his butt off.

You just try it.

Hey, don't you think

you were a little rough on the kids?

Business, Joe.

Woody and that dummy bring in the audiences.

I can milk that act for the next seven months,

and that's just what I intend to do.

I hear you. I hear you. It's just that--

Oh, please, Joe, leave business to me!

Kate, I know you're smarter than me,

Kate, but I'm still your partner--

A junior partner.

Any time you want to sell your end,

it's just fine with me.

Funny, you didn't sound like that

when you needed the bread to open the place, huh?

It was the best investment you ever made.

[chuckles]

Katie, Katie, Katie, something's happened to you.

I don't know what.

Something.

It's really kind of sad, you know?

Really, Robert, I do think you're overreacting.

Twin midgets?

You spent $3,000 to hire twin midgets?

And weren't we lucky to find them?

I mean, without them, we would never have found

the Turkish Consul's missing wife

along with her jewelry, I might add.

The cost of doing business.

With everyone else,

the cost of doing business in this office is 25¢ a mile.

Bridge tolls, telephone charges.

Sorry, I thought you were looking for results.

You're out to get me. Right?

Nonsense, Robert.

I don't know what I'd do without your cheery presence

to brighten my every day.

Hear me good on this, Stanton,

if another one of these vouchers comes across my desk,

you are out on the street without a job.

You know what that means?

That means that the courts

might consider it a violation of your probation.

They might even consider putting you behind bars,

which, incidentally, is where you belong.

And here I thought we were getting along so well.

Oh, no.

You may have fooled them upstairs,

but not me, buddy boy.

Not me, okay?

Now, I have a case for you.

Oh, excellent.

I've been bored silly for the past two weeks.

Mm, well, don't get your hopes up.

This is not a molehill you can make a mountain out of.

This has nothing to do with fancy jewelry,

missing heirs, or visiting royalty.

This has to do with the other end

of the social spectrum, show business.

Oh, well, I have a special passion for the theater.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, the insured has reported a missing dummy

and, right away, I thought of you.

Oh.

Uh, say, buddy.

Uh, excuse me.

Place doesn't open till 6:00.

Well, I'm looking for Elwood Perkins.

Elwood?

Hmm, insurance, huh? Mm-hmm.

You get out of here before I have you thrown out!

[groans] Listen, Kate!

You're not God, you know?

Around here, I'm the next best thing.

For two years...

for two years, I kept this place going.

-I was your headliner. -That's ancient history.

You owe me.

I owe you nothing. Look at you.

You've got the shakes so bad, you can hardly stand up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?

Miss Templeton burst into my office.

She's looking for her old job back.

Show her the door, Joe.

Show her the door!

-Kate, come on-- -Let me go, Joe!

You think people are just trash.

You think you can just ruin their lives.

Well, not me, Kate, not me.

I'm coming back. [laughs]

You'll see. I am coming back.

Kate, you never should have talked to her that way.

-She's a lush. -No! No!

She's straightened herself out.

Listen, I have no time for your ex-girlfriends.

If you want to sleep with her, that's your business.

But my business is running this club.

I book the acts around here, not you.

And who are you?

Ah, Miss Kelley, I presume?

My name is Dennis Stanton.

I'm looking for Elwood Perkins.

What for?

-He's a client. -Oh, a lawyer.

I see.

Well, listen, friend,

I told Woody, and I'll tell you,

that contract is tighter than a five-and-dime girdle.

-You are wasting your time. -Hold it. Time out.

He's from the insurance company.

Yes. Oh, I see.

That's different.

You'll find Woody in his dressing room.

-It's down there to the left. -Thank you.

[knocking]

Ah, pardon me. Mr. Perkins?

Yes.

Dennis Stanton, consolidated casualty.

You reported the theft of a dummy.

Billy Boy wasn't stolen, Mr. Stanton.

He was kidnapped.

Oh.

Does that mean he's being held for ransom?

I don't know.

I haven't been contacted yet.

Oh, well... of course.

If there's any chance that he may be returned,

the company will cooperate in any way.

Short of that, your policy calls for $10,000

casualty reimbursement.

You can't just pay me for Billy Boy.

I want him back.

Of course, but realistically speaking,

that just may not be possible.

Tom has someone working on a new model,

but I just won't do it.

I will not work with an impostor.

No, Mr. Stanton, I don't want your money.

I want my Billy Boy back, safe and unharmed!

That's what I want from you!

Sorry, Tom. You were saying?

It was the following morning, I had an appointment

with Vic Demarco and his manager.

Brenda wanted to go with me, but Woody begged off.

He wanted to rehearse a new routine with Billy Boy,

so we dropped him off here at the club.

-And what time was that? -Around 9:30.

We'd just arrived at Demarco's hotel room

when we got this frantic call from Woody.

Someone had broken into the dressing room here

and stolen Billy Boy.

Yes, the door seems to have been forced by something.

Was that when he notified the police?

He called them as soon as he hung up from me.

They sent some people over, and they made a quick search,

but that was about it.

But after they left, Woody and Brenda and I

went over this place from basement to attic.

There's nothing.

Mr. Perkins seems to be taking it very badly,

almost as if he'd lost a child.

He has.

Look, I've known Woody since high school.

I've been his friend, his manager,

his spiritual advisor, his dutch uncle.

But compared to Billy Boy, I'm a stranger.

He tells me you've commissioned someone

to build a new dummy.

Yes, the new Billy Boy will be ready on Friday,

just in time for that Vegas engagement with Demarco,

which is why we really need that check, Mr. Stanton.

But Mr. Perkins doesn't want a check.

He wants the original.

Yes, I know.

Look, I don't know who stole Billy Boy or why,

but the worst scenario is the little guy's

at the bottom of the bay by now.

It's been three days.

If he'd been taken for ransom,

I think we would have heard something by now.

Yes, yes, you're probably right.

Well, thank you, Mr. Benzinger. You've been very helpful.

I'm going to look around a bit more,

and if everything's satisfactory,

you should have your check in a couple of days.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Mm. Hmm...

Okay, that's great.

Sure. No problem.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Kruger.

Hey, Woody, isn't it terrific?

Mr. Kruger says

that we'll be able to pick up Billy Boy on Friday.

It isn't Billy Boy.

Look, Woody, Mr. Kruger says

that you will not be able to tell the difference.

What does he know?

All he's making is a dummy.

Look, I know how you feel. Really, I do.

I mean, uh...

it's kind of like losing a pet,

a dog or something.

I mean, just because you get a new one to love

doesn't mean you love the old one any less.

Oh, come on, you'll see.

After we get to vegas

and you've done the show a couple of times,

it will just be like always.

I promise you that, baby.

Brenda, I'm scared.

Kate's club, it's... it's been like home to me.

It's the first place they really liked Billy and me.

When I'm up on that stage, I feel safe.

But Vegas, everything's so big.

I don't know.

It scares me.

Vegas will be great.

Lookit, people are the same everywhere.

And they're going to love you there.

And I'm going to be there with you.

You want that, don't you, Woody?

You want me there with you, don't you?

Huh?

Sure.

Then you just listen to me and to Tom

and there'll be nothing to be afraid of,

not Kate, not Vegas, not anything.

Rhoda, dear, what are you doing here?

Me? It's almost 7:30.

I thought you had a date with, what's her name?

The redhead with the nose job.

Oh, Angela Deveraux?

No, that all came to an abrupt end.

-She ditched you, huh? -Mm-hmm.

I'm afraid so.

For the past several weeks, the lady's conversation

has been peppered with references to matrimony.

Since I'm far too set in my ways

to share my toothpaste with anyone,

I told her to set her cap for someone else.

Now, what about you?

Those files would have waited until tomorrow.

What's happened to Myron?

We had a fight.

[scoffs]

His mother thinks I'm some kind of genetic inferior.

[scoffs]

She wants him to marry a lady doctor or a dentist.

I'm not good breeding stock for her grandchildren.

-She told you that? -She told Myron.

I mean, not in so many words, but I got the hint.

[sighs] So I told Myron

what I thought of him and his mother.

And that's why I'm here.

I don't want to be home when he comes looking for me.

I want him to think I've got some kind of a life

that doesn't include him,

which, of course, I don't.

Not right now. [crying]

Oh, now, there, there.

No tears, no tears.

What I think you need is a good dinner.

I hate eating alone, 'cause people stare at you.

Alone? Who said anything about alone?

I wouldn't hear of it.

I've still got my reservation at Gamberelli's,

if you wouldn't mind sharing a fettuccini alfredo?

You're kidding?

I realize I may be taken for your father.

Well, your uncle anyway... youngish uncle.

You're just feeling sorry for me.

Rhoda, darling, I'm the one that's been stood up.

I really would be very flattered.

-Oh, well, sure. -Right.

[phone rings]

Ah, now that could be Myron.

I'll tell him you're off to Sausalito

sharing pizza with a linebacker from the 49ers.

Dennis Stanton. Can I help you?

Hey, Denny, how are you, guy?

You know who this is?

No, I'm afraid not.

It's me, Billy Boy.

Elwood says you're looking for me.

Billy? Yes. He's very worried about you.

He ought to be.

Without me, the guy's about as sharp as a glob of jell-o.

Where are you?

At the club, in the basement in one of the wardrobe trunks.

So, Denny, do me a favor, huh?

Get me out of here!

[phone disconnects]

What is it?

Dinner's off, I'm afraid.

Yeah, sure, that's okay.

Because you and I have got a claim to investigate.

Me?

And since Mr. Butler hasn't seen fit

to enroll you for the company program,

it's time you had some on-the-job training.

Get your purse.

I don't get it.

What makes you think that dummy's in the basement?

Ah, let's call it a wild hunch.

What the heck's going on?

-This door's never locked. -Do you have a key?

Me? No. No.

Kate's got the only one, and she's not here yet,

which is also kind of weird, now that I think about it.

I wonder where the heck she is.

Well, I guess you're out of luck, huh?

Not necessarily.

[chuckles] Excuse me.

-Do you mind? -Oh.

Kate's not going to be in love with that.

Mm, I'll take responsibility.

Right.

Now we have to find some wardrobe trunks.

Wardrobe trunks... it's over in the corner there.

I'm telling you, they went over

the whole place from top to bottom.

Yes, I'm sure they did.

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

[chuckles]

I thought somebody searched the place.

Mm-hmm.

Probably Woody Perkins himself.

Dennis.

[sighs]

[siren wailing]

Thanks, Doc.

Now, let me get this straight.

You knew you'd find a missing dummy here on a hunch?

No, lieutenant, it was a telephone tip.

From who?

The voice was unfamiliar, strange-sounding.

-Disguised? -Mm-hmm. You might say that.

Hey! Get that stretcher down here.

Come on.

Let's go, guys. Stay with us.

Stanton!

You know, the last guy I expected to see

in a grungy dive like this is you,

so what's the scam?

-There is no scam. -Don't make me laugh.

Are you slumming?

What are we talking about here, jewels, paintings?

Believe me, my only involvement is Billy Boy.

Yeah, what's his last name, Rockefeller?

Now, listen, you ain't on Nob Hill now, sport.

Whoever bashed in that lady's head plays rough,

so stay out of my way on this one.

If you get hurt, I got to write you up.

I found it in the rolodex on her desk.

Stay here and keep an eye on the lieutenant.

If anything happens, you know where to reach me.

Uh, Dennis, look, strictly speaking,

we got the doll back, right?

The rest of this is really none of our business, is it?

About an hour ago, I received a phone call

from a frightened, unhappy little man

and it sounded very much like a cry for help.

Come on, Brenda, you can't just walk out on the guy.

Watch me.

This'll kill him. You know that.

Oh, the guy's a loser.

I got better things to do with the rest of my life.

[knock on door]

-Mr. Stanton. -Sorry to intrude.

-I'm looking for Woody. -Well, he's not here.

Well, that's unfortunate. Have you any idea where he is?

No, Mr. Stanton, but this is not a good time.

Ah, you must be Miss McCoy.

Dennis Stanton, delighted to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Sorry I can't stick around for a chat.

-Are you going somewhere? -Yeah. Anywhere.

We just found out that Vic Demarco

has signed a new act for Vegas.

Yes, he told good old Woody boy early this afternoon,

only Woody forgot to tell us.

So long, Tom. I'd like to say it's been fun,

but if you need to get in touch with me, don't bother.

Ah, Miss McCoy, I don't think you should leave.

The police may want to chat with you.

The police? What for?

About an hour ago, we found Kate Kelley's body

in the club basement.

Someone had caved her head in with a hammer.

Kate's dead?

And you think Woody had something to do with this?

At the moment, I don't know what to think.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Yes, he's here.

It's for you.

Yes?

Yes, Rhoda.

[sighs] Yes. I see.

All right. You go home.

I'll deal with Lieutenant Catalano.

The police have picked up Woody.

They're holding him for murder.

I got the guy sneaking out the back door of the club

a couple of hours before you discovered the body.

And, by the way, I want to talk to you

about that handy-dandy tool kit

you've got tucked into your umbrella.

When you say, "got the guy," what does that mean exactly?

An eyewitness who saw him

skulking away from the premises dripping with blood?

Eyewitness? You bet.

And I don't recall asking you into my office,

so good night, Mr. Stanton.

[laughs] Oh, now, Perry,

I am officially involved in this case, you know.

No, you're involved with the missing dummy.

Murder's out of your league.

Oh, and by the way, if you're thinking of claiming Billy Boy,

you better think again, because he's evidence.

-Of what? -Motive.

This case is dead bang, Stanton.

The lady steals the guy's dummy

to keep him from taking a hike to Vegas.

Now, he catches her doing it

and then slugs her with a ball peen hammer.

And leaves without taking Billy Boy with him?

Oh, Perry...

shame on you.

You want me to spell it out for you?

There's a lady named Sally Templeton,

used to perform at the club.

Yes, I believe I ran into her.

All right, she's out back when Woody Perkins

comes out the back door, runs down the alley,

and disappears.

Now, I've got means, motive, and opportunity.

They don't come any neater than this.

And what does Woody say?

Nothing, uh... doesn't even want a lawyer.

Public defender was with him for over half an hour

and he wouldn't even open his mouth.

I don't suppose you'd let me have a try at him.

Why would you think he'd talk to you?

Well, he might.

With a little help from a friend.

Good evening, Woody.

I know it's late,

but I brought a friend to keep you company.

There.

So...

tell me.

How did you get yourself into this mess?

You know, they've got a witness

who saw you running away

just before Miss Kelley's body was discovered.

You've got to be kidding.

This guy, kill somebody?

He goes into trauma if he accidentally

steps on a cockroach.

[chuckles] I see,

a believer in the sanctity of life.

Nah. Just chicken.

Tell me, Billy,

how did you end up in that wardrobe trunk?

How else? Elwood stuck me there.

Really?

This guy's a real loser, Denny.

The Vegas gig?

He was so scared,

he was getting goosebumps on his toenails,

so he figures, "wait a minute.

"Suppose I make them think somebody stole Billy Boy.

I mean, he's the funny one."

And you sure got that right, pal.

Without Billy Boy, the Italian Troubadour's

got to find himself a new act, so what does Elwood do?

He takes me into the basement, hides me in a trunk.

The next day, he tells everybody I've been kidnapped.

Naturally, the cops show up to look around...

[sighs] for maybe five minutes,

because on a list of their top ten priorities,

I come in around 59th.

And then when the others started

to search more thoroughly,

Woody volunteered to cover the basement.

You got the picture.

But things changed, didn't they?

Woody got a phone call

from Vic Demarco cancelling the Vegas engagement.

Right on, Denny.

No need to keep me stashed away,

so he came back tonight to get me,

only guess what?

The basement door was locked, so what does Mr. Macho do?

He runs like hell

and he calls you to come and get me

'cause he knows he can't do it himself.

When he ran into the alley, did he see Sally Templeton?

He didn't see nobody.

He was just moving.

That's it?

You want me to take that to the DA?

The guy can't even talk for himself.

But he did talk, Perry, in his own way.

Oh, and he's gonna look great on the witness stand

sitting there playing straight man to a dummy in his lap.

Tell me, is the little guy going to sit on his lap

in a gas chamber too?

-Who's got the key? -What?

The key to the basement.

Kate Kelley had the only one, according to Joe Gelardi.

Now it's in the possession of the killer,

since the killer locked the door on the way out.

Good night, Mr. Stanton.

Does that mean that when you picked up Woody

loitering outside the club, working up the nerve

to come inside, that you did not find the key?

Have a nice evening, Mr. Stanton.

If I ever need any help in the future,

I'll be sure to call on you first.

Key.

Well, good morning, Mr. Butler.

Morning, Sir.

-Excuse me, Mr. Butler. -Good morning, Sir.

[phone ringing]

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Butler?

Really?

"Dunderheaded King of the noodles."

[laughs]

Good morning, Mr. Stanton.

Oh.

How nice of you to drop by today.

I'm not interrupting your reading, am I?

I know this book so well,

I could almost recite it from memory.

Ha, well, that's nice.

Uh, what about Elwood Perkins?

Oh, there's no need to congratulate me, Robert.

The case practically solved itself.

Well, now that the item has been recovered,

your interest is over.

-Of course. -Oh, really?

Really, well, then could you tell me why

you're having security do background checks

on a Katherine Kelly, a Joseph P. Gelardi,

a Brenda McCoy, and a Thomas Benzinger?

Well, you see, there are one or two loose ends.

For instance, our insured is in county jail

facing a charge of first-degree murder.

None of our business.

But of course it is.

What's our motto?

"A friend in need to a friend in"--

No, "a friend indeed to",

oh, it was something like that.

The man insured a dummy.

The dummy has been recovered.

The case is closed.

But does it profit a company to gain $10,000

and to end up losing $50,000?

Ex--What?

I cross-checked Elwood Perkins for additional policy.

It seems the gentleman's mother took out

a $50,000 life insurance policy when he was a lad of ten.

Now, Robert, unless someone rescues Mr. Perkins

from this grave miscarriage of justice,

an innocent man's journey to the gas chamber

could cost this company very dearly.

-Now, wait a minute-- -But, of course, I know.

Then I have your blessing to continue.

I'm sure Mr. Keating will be very pleased.

Dennis?

Oh, excuse me.

I have those phone records that you wanted.

Ah, my phone bill.

Oh, trust these computers to bollocks things up.

I shall only be on this another day or two,

promise, Robert.

And thank you for all your understanding and support.

Rhoda, to work!

Narrow of mind and small of spirit.

Now, what do we have?

Those are all the phone numbers

that were called from Kate Kelley's office

over the past couple of weeks.

I was able to identify most of them.

Miss Sally Templeton?

That's her number right there.

There were nine different calls.

Why would Kate Kelley be calling Sally Templeton?

I thought she hated her.

Ah, here we are, just as I thought.

You got something?

Conspiracy, perjury, and murder.

Take a look.

A call to Miss Templeton's number

at 5:42 on the afternoon of the murder.

-It lasted for four minutes. -Wait a minute.

Kate Kelley was already dead in the basement by then.

But Joe Gelardi wasn't.

Now, Miss Templeton lives in Daly City,

a good 30 minutes from the club.

There was no way that she could have been in the alley at 5:30

to observe Woody leaving

if she was taking a phone call from Joe Gelardi at 5:45.

That's right.

The question is, what did they talk about?

And the answer that springs to mind

is the framing of Woody Perkins for murder.

In memory of Kate, Gelardi made a touching gesture.

He closed down the club for three days

and hired Sally Templeton as the headliner.

Inside, he was auditioning new acts.

[indistinct talking]

Piano player playing... [humming]

so I went away to school

and I got a degree in electrical engineering.

Thanks, Elmo, thanks.

I came back to the reservation.

I said, "father, fath"--

[knock on door]

lone cowboys out there on the lone prairie.

I mean, it was one guy.

I mean, they call it lone prairie, you know.

He had a harmonica. [humming]

The cowboy looks and he walks into the saloon...

Oh, hi, Mr. Benzinger.

Elmo, hi. I got to talk to Joe.

I don't know, he's having auditions right now.

It's real important.

Yeah, sure. I'll tell him you're here.

You don't like cowboy jokes.

I don't like 'em either. I hate cowboy jokes.

Mr. Benzinger's here.

What do you say, Tom?

-How's it going? -Pretty good.

They may be letting Woody out tonight.

What do you mean letting Woody out?

What, do you mean bail?

No, the cops aren't so sure he did it.

What do you mean the cop...

hey, thanks a lot. That's terrific. Thanks.

But I haven't finished, Sir.

You're finished. Thanks a lot. Thank you.

What do you mean, the cops are not so sure he did it?

Hey, I saw him leaving here.

Well, all I know is that insurance guy, Stanton,

he came up with something.

Don't ask me what.

Look, that's not the reason I'm here.

-I need Woody's trunk. -So take it.

-It's in the basement. -Oh, well, you're out of luck.

The cops sealed that place up a couple days ago.

You're sure it's not in the dressing room?

Sure, I'm sure.

Stanton says that he saw it down there yesterday.

Yesterday?

What was Stanton doing down in the basement yesterday?

Hell, if I know, Joe, but come on.

We really need this trunk.

If Woody gets out, we still have a good chance

at that gig in Vegas with Demarco.

Look, I'm telling you, I can't help you.

If you want to go down to the basement,

you got to talk to the cops, okay?

-Come on, Joe-- -That's it!

I got to go to work, okay?

Elmo, will you please help him out?

Come on, Mr. Benzinger. We don't want any trouble.

Thanks, Joe. Thanks a lot.

What was that all about?

And what did he mean, Stanton came up with something?

And what was Stanton doing in the basement yesterday?

Look, take a few of these guys.

I'll be back in about ten minutes, okay?

Okay.

Oh, look, don't send anybody backstage for a while, huh?

Ugh. Um...

Leo Manheim.

[indistinct talking]

Mr. Gelardi.

Good evening, Mr. Gelardi.

I knew your curiosity would get the better of you.

Stanton. [chuckles]

How did you get down here?

More to the point, how did you?

Probably with that key tucked in your pocket.

Kate Kelley's key, which you took from her

when you killed her.

You used it to lock the door

and then waited for her body to be discovered.

[laughs] You're crazy, you know that?

You're crazy.

Later, when you spotted Woody running away,

everything fell into place, the perfect frame.

Oh, why must everything be reduced to violence?

You're a jerk, Stanton you know that?

You're a real jerk.

I'm not the one facing a murder charge.

Oh, funny. That's very funny.

That's funnier than some of the bozos

we have up on stage there, you know?

Tell me, was it premeditated or did it just happen?

The truth?

Just kind of spur of the moment.

Kate was down here rummaging through everything.

She stumbles on the dummy

in the wardrobe trunk,

and she starts tearing me apart again,

like it was my fault.

And all of a sudden, she starts ranting and raving

about how she was going to fix it

so Perkins never worked again, anywhere, ever.

She was actually going to do to Woody what she did to Sally.

And you know, Sally... [sighs]

all of a sudden, that's all I could think about,

me and Sally.

Me and Sally, and how it used to be...

before Kate had her blackballed all over town.

The hammer was just sitting

on the end of the table over there.

Kate turned her back...

end of story.

And a gruesome one at that.

Speaking of end of stories, why don't you turn around, huh?

Oh, not another body in the basement, Joe.

Even Lieutenant Catalano won't wear that.

No, no, no.

No, we're going to walk up the stairs

nice and slow and easy,

and you and I are gonna take a ride out of town,

just the two of us, come on.

If you insist.

I insist.

I suppose I could use the night air.

You'll get some.

Go on. Now, just keep moving.

Is this where I'm supposed to say,

"you won't get away with this"?

Very funny. Go on. Through that door.

Let's go out front, through the people,

make it a sporting proposition.

Open that door.

I wouldn't go out there if I were you.

Wonderful. Come on.

-Oh! -That door!

Please, Joe, Joe...

let's not go through this door.

Look, you either move or you don't move.

-I move. -Move, okay.

Go on. You drive.

[tires screeching]

[siren wailing] Freeze! Police!

Don't say I didn't warn you.

[grunts]

I don't know how you do it, Stanton.

Dumb luck, lieutenant, pure and simple.

Tom, did you get it all?

Every word.

Aha.

Get him out of here.

Okay, okay.

Where is that cute little number

with my hot chocolate?

Hey, Rhoda...

keep your pants on, shorty.

You do your thing, I'll do mine.

-Billy, mind your manners. -Elwood, I like this babe.

Hey, honey, how would you like to get into the show biz?

We've got a spot open in our act.

Oh, has Brenda gone for good?

Yes, well, when she heard that Woody had been released,

she did drop by the apartment.

Yeah, Elwood here told her to get lost, didn't you, Elwood?

Well, speak up, speak up.

I'm supposed to be the dummy in this routine.

Guess I just realized what a jerk I'd been...

about Brenda, I mean.

All I can say is thanks.

Delighted to be of help.

We've got a plane to catch. Come on, you guys.

Thanks again, Mr. Stanton.

Good luck in Vegas, all of you.

Hey, Rhoda, you sure you don't want

to come to Vegas with us, honey?

Get out of here

before I turn you into a stack of wooden nickels.

Hey, that's funny.

Tom, we got to put this babe in the act.

Hey, fellas, wait up!

I'm telling you, she's great!

-Rhoda, take a memo. -Yes, Sir.

To Robert Butler.

"Robert, as you are aware

"the vindication of Elwood Perkins

"in the Kate Kelley homicide has saved this company $50,000.

"Your memo congratulating Miss Markowitz and myself

"for our role in this endeavor

"somehow seems to have got lost in the interoffice mails.

"As to Miss Markowitz,

"don't you think it's about time you and I chatted

about enrolling her in the company training program?"