Original subtitles

You know how to scream, yes or no?

That's it!

When I raise my arms, you applaud!

My hands around my mouth means you boo!

That's it!

I'll leave you, the show's about to start.

So have a good time,

don't let me down, my job's to work you up

so you set the house on fire!

It's Tissue Time!

I'm the smiling robot who obeys remote controls.

Tonight the robot's tired, upset, coming apart!

I can't clown all day!

I only despair when you're emotionless!

But just you wait, I promise you, I'll make you weep!

Good evening everyone!

Welcome to It's Tissue Time!

OK? Everything fine?

Fine.

- More champagne? - No, I'll be drunk!

Shall we go?

Not too stressed? You'll be fine.

ANYTHING YOU SAY

Hi.

TV Week wants you for a cover story.

They'll do photos when you can fit it in.

Later.

We've turned them down once. I'll handle it.

Your plane won't be ready Tuesday. Do I rent one?

Your wife says she won't take a regular flight.

Figure it out, I pay you for that!

This 32nd broadcast of It's Tissue Time

is more than just a show,

it'll be a real festival.

We've got some rare human specimens,

the driest sticks you ever saw!

And to prove it to you, here's our first candidate.

Let's have a big hand for Micheline Berton!

You OK, Micheline?

Guess so...

As you know, we've got someone who'll say things...

Things that'll upset you a lot.

- But that's what we're here for! - Sure.

So please all boo Mr. Daniel Benard!

"Down with Benard!"

So, Daniel, you're Micheline's neighbor?

Correct.

Your occupation?

Storm-window installer.

Daniel, why do you spy

on your neighbors?

He eavesdrops! I can't go out!

Shut up, bitch!

- Take it easy! - I won't!

Her mutt yaps all day! My ears are sore! Old biddy!

Am I right? Answer, floozie!

It's true, dammit!

Let Daniel speak. He must have his reasons.

Micheline, I hear your little dog has disappeared.

Yes...

He ran away 2 weeks ago, first time in 10 years.

Daniel...

You're not blameless in all this. Right, Danny?

May he who never goofed throw the first stone!

- It was an accident... - Before going further,

let's go see where it all took place.

A video feature by Alain Attal and Nicolas Mouchet.

Couilly is a village 50 miles north-east of Paris,

with some 2000 inhabitants...

That's where it happened! I was driving from work,

doing 35 mph at most!

The dog tore out like lightning!

I ran smack into it! What a mess!

A real performance, it flew right over my car!

An Unidentified Flying Dog!

I stuffed it in a bag.

Shit, I wasn't gonna dig a hole!

Into the trash can!

Next day, the dumpster came by, that was it.

End of story.

Bastard!

You fucker!

I'm so sorry, I didn't know...

Micheline, you remember the rules?

One little tear, and you're out!

We start the countdown?

We're off and running!!

Be strong!

I know how much you loved that little creature.

Because, I see from our files

that since your husband's death,

folks haven't come around much.

"Devoted as a dachshund!"

Micheline...

you know the saying, "Devoted as a dachshund"?

Too bad, Micheline! You almost made it!

It's tissue time!

We'll let Micheline recover. Back after the commercial!

Dumb broad!

Patrick,

we've invited your wife Patricia,

who has something to tell you.

Patricia?

Dirty slut! You fucker!

OK, we'll pause until Patrick unwinds.

Patrick, calm down!

Won't be a moment...

Please remain seated!

We're not done, we'll resume soon.

- Thanks a lot. - Bastien! You must be kidding!

I've told you! You cue the audience too soon!

What?

Nothing. OK. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry, be on cue!

Very good. It was great.

You liked it?

Please wait a bit longer! Drinks are coming!

Olivier, can you...

... social stability is maintained by our ability

to consume more, faster. Let me finish!

Everything's faster, the images on TV,

clips, video games, movies.

We all channel-surf, we over-consume images...

Today, you have to keep going further.

To dazzle and shock, so people don't switch channels.

But to answer your question, it's obvious that...

that... power...

Shit!

We have to go further,

to dazzle and shock, so people don't switch channels.

But to answer your question,

I believe real power is buying what isn't for sale.

Buying anything, at any price!

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I'll come to bed.

You're sick!

- Mr. Vigneau is here. - Already?

He came with the network execs.

- Morning Bertrand, how are you? - Morning.

Get Philippe.

- The meeting's starting. - Coming.

- You're late! - I know.

Let's have the file.

- Morning! - Did you change anything?

I thought it over: Let me do the pitching,

then I bring you on.

You OK, not too stressed?

No...

You won't screw it up?

No, I'll blow their minds!

Let's go!

How do I look?

Tanned.

Ladies and gents, hi!

This is Bastien, my assistant.

Sit down!

Hi, Bertrand. Nice of you to come over.

It's not to congratulate you for last night's show!

Sorry, I know. It got out of hand.

- But that's your job! - Sorry?

You control what happens on the set.

True. But we had a 40% audience share.

Really...

So, we had an idea...

It's called Proof In The Picture:

Members of a family spy on each other.

I mean they spy "nicely".

They each get a video camera for 2 weeks,

and catch each other out. For instance:

Dad neglects his son's homework, watches soccer.

The kid films him.

On the show, he humbles Dad, showing the video.

It's harmless!

Little domestic episodes.

Family members are on the set with their videos:

"You didn't rinse the tub, you got home late", etc.

If it's a hit, we pep it up.

In what way?

Kid sister films her brother with a slut.

A what...?

A girl.

But it stays nice.

No smut!

Anyway, we're off and running.

5 families are already "videoing" each other. We'll soon see.

I like the family filming each other.

There's no voyeurism. It's OK for the 6.30 PM slot.

Yes, I see.

Well...

I blew them away! You saw that?

Sorry, I never said it was your idea. That seemed pretentious!

"Your idea, my idea." They don't care!

If the idea's good... and this one's great!

Get me a coffee!

Hi...

Yes?

Sorry.

- I thought you were alone. - What is it?

You're in a meeting! I'll stop by later.

What did you want?

To congratulate you for that TV interview.

What for?

That hostile sociologist, you let her have it!

I'll be off...

Stay!

- You, get out! - What?

We had a meeting.

I just cancelled it. Scram!

You won't weasel out of this! We'll settle it!

Listen, creep, shut up! Get out of my office!

You bastard!

Don't speak like that to Mr. Broustal!

Get out now!

- Easy, Bastien. It'll be fine. - I'll take care of this!

Who are you?

Get out!

My nose, you fucker...

You're a hothead!

He was disrespectful of you.

Sit down.

What did you think of the meeting?

- They seemed pleased. - Was it your idea?

No, it was team work.

Come on, Letzger doesn't have ideas like that.

All right, it was my idea.

Why not say so? That's why you came?

No, it was about your interview.

That was your opener, you couldn't slouch in and say:

"Sir, Letzger swiped my idea"!

I'm not through!

I've watched you. People think

I don't know what goes on here, but I do.

You're gifted. Why are you his sidekick?

Explain that!

- He's the star. - So what?

- That lets him swipe your ideas? - I can't disagree...

That's your problem, you can't disagree!

"He's the star!"

Since we're both talking crap, here's a tip about Letzger.

Come closer!

If you ask him nicely for his job, he won't give it to you!

Anyway, thanks. Scram, we've both got work to do!

...He's really a puppet, I feed him his lines.

I should be saying them!

I'm sure I'd be good at it.

Don't you agree?

Sure...

He swipes my ideas! Even Broustal noticed!

Broustal's the only reason I haven't quit.

- He's decent! - Sure he is:

He pays double, so he can treat you like shit!

- What was that? - You said that 2 weeks ago!

Sure, I'd done something dumb, I deserved it.

- You chew out your students! - I don't call them fuckers!

He didn't mean it, he was edgy!

He said "fucker" as he'd say...

You OK, Fabien?

I'm fine, thanks.

Remain seated, please.

Won't you introduce us?

Sorry, Fabienne. Jean-Louis Broustal, my boss.

Fabien, Fabienne, that's funny.

You're made for each other, like toons!

- Was it good? - Very, thanks.

Thanks, bye.

Miss...

Check, please!

Mr. Broustal paid it.

What?

See? He didn't have to!

So what do I call you?

Fabien, Bastien, or good doggie?

Bastien!

- You OK? - My mind was elsewhere.

Antoine, wait on the lot. I'll be an hour.

Where was your mind? Still on Letzger?

He's a problem. He overdid it with Vigneau.

You heard from him?

He likes the project. The problem is...

he doesn't want Letzger to host the show.

But he wouldn't tell Letzger that.

But he bought the concept?

You're as dumb as the others!

If Vigneau didn't ask for changes, he didn't buy it.

By Monday, he'll pull out!

An idea that's too rich scares them. I'll bench Letzger.

You work on the concept till Monday, suggesting changes.

We'll present it again with "their" ideas, and no Letzger.

By Monday! That's short, it's Friday.

We'll polish it at my country house. You busy?

No. I gotta to see someone but...

Fabienne? She's your girl, you're not married?

No, she's just...

Sorry, I'm nosy, forget it...

I'll manage, won't be a problem.

Bring her along! She'll enjoy it,

we've got animals on the grounds, even deer!

Yes, sure...

Wait here a minute.

Best if we're not seen together. You see why?

Mr. Broustal!

Thanks for the lunch!

What are you doing tonight?

Tell Jacques that Broustal's here!

I gotta go see Jacques.

Jacques, Mr. Broustal's here.

OK, thanks.

Excuse me...

So, we got a table?

Sit there. How many are you?

- 6, and more coming. - You'll fit there.

Come sit down. What'll you drink?

The works!

Champagne!

Champagne, whisky, and cognac.

And soft drinks.

He's why you came?

I didn't know he was here!

Don't put me on!

OK, he asked us, I couldn't refuse.

We won't stay long. If you're bored, we leave!

Bastien! Come here!

- Good evening. - Sit there...

- A drink? - Gladly.

- Champagne? - Fine.

Champagne, here we go!

- Jacques! - He's here.

This is Bastien, my right arm.

You OK?

Jacques knows every girl in the joint.

We'll have a great week-end!

You saw Letzger?

Philippe, look who's here!

Come and piss with me.

I'm OK...

Come, I don't want to go alone.

It's nicer to piss in company, right?

I'd rather you came alone this weekend.

Your girlfriend's charming, very worthy.

But we'll work better if it's just men.

You're right.

Don't tell her, she'd be hurt. OK?

OK.

Don't push so hard! So what if you can't make it?

See you in a bit!

Where you going?

I'm leaving. Got the car keys?

Wait. I'll come, too...

You're spending the weekend with him?

I didn't have time to tell you, it's for work.

- What's wrong? - Nothing. The car keys?

Try to understand, this is important to me!

I understood a lot tonight.

You're hurting me! We'll talk later.

Now you fucked things up, you want to talk later!

You realize how you behaved?

We're invited to his table, and you sulk!

They all noticed! He just told me in the john!

I was ashamed!

He invited us both to his home, now it's just me!

Here! I'm staying!

I won't blow this, because you resent VIP's!

You OK?

Fine! She's got the flu or something.

That's why she sulked. Sorry!

I don't care if she sulks!

Let's go, I've had enough!

Bye, everyone!

Get in front, Bastien. We'll drop you home!

Let's go.

That joint sucks!

Come on, you danced all night.

Want a little treat?

I like her because she's so basic.

- Have you two met? - No.

Clara, my wife... Bastien.

You'll see, it's cozy inside!

But like so many things, costs a fortune...

and rarely gets used!

- Right, Antoine? - Yes, sir.

I hate driving.

What do you think of Clara?

She's very pretty.

I didn't mean that, I know she's pretty!

Doesn't our age difference shock you?

No? People often comment on it.

Where to, sir?

Marrakesh! No, to the country, dummy!

We'll take you with us. You won't have to drive out tomorrow.

I don't have anything with me. No spare clothes,

or the outline, to work on.

I've got it in the trunk. I'll lend you clothes.

It'll spare you another fight with your girlfriend.

Sleep on it!

OK.

Caution: Animals crossing

...Hence the title.

It's about 5 families filming each other...

Yes, sounds good.

Mr. Broustal, we've arrived.

It's beautiful.

Interesting wall.

Clara hates it.

Are they your friends?

Not at all.

He's an Armenian coin-dealer, they're Viets

from the Paris Chinatown.

I'll show you your room.

So you're into photography?

I don't give a damn about it!

They're there to remind me of my audience. They're my target!

You find them typical?

Nobody's typical of anything.

What are you typical of?

Separately, they're of no interest.

I'm aware of the masses, of their desires,

and I produce TV shows that cater to them.

You get it, or are you pretending?

No, I get it. The masses have a voice,

individuals don't count, like that old woman!

No, she counts! She's my mother!

Committed suicide last year in real pain!

I'm sorry.

- Baby, you're all tensed up? - I'm fine.

Did I say something wrong?

Not you. Take care of him, he bugged me!

Coming?

Good night.

Sorry, I didn't know about his mom!

Now you do: She's taboo, never mention her.

Still, I'd like to apologize.

He's already asleep, tomorrow he'll have forgotten.

What are you doing?

Make love to me, I'm horny.

Get dressed, I can't do that. What about Jean-Louis?

Be quiet, so we don't wake him up.

No wait, Clara I...

I can't do that...

You like it?

It was his mom's room. Means he's fond of you.

Really, you think so?

I'll leave you!

I'm not bored, but this room depresses me!

Cells don't work here. But there's a phone downstairs.

Use it, feel at home.

Good night!

You're so fucking dumb!

What is it?

Look what you did to my dress! It's ruined!

I did nothing...

You put it in the machine, I know you did!

I'm used to washing dresses. It's not the first time.

You can't machine-wash a dress like this!

I used the "gentle" cycle!

You know what a dress like this costs?

Dumb bitch!

There you are! Jean-Louis left you a note!

Quiet! Take it easy!

Getting a signal?

No.

Believe me, when I tell you something!

I was just looking at it, casually...

Casually?

Or to call your sweetheart and say what goes on here?

Not at all.

I'm not a snitch.

Another of his passing fancies. They'll soon be gone.

How's your project doing?

The show?

It's off to a good start.

Will you host it yourself?

I don't know. Did Jean-Louis say that to you?

No, but...

you'd be a good host. You have the looks for TV.

Seriously? Gee, babe...

Don't call me "babe".

Sorry. I'm really glad you said it.

I'm a TV personality! I know it!

You come every weekend?

Almost...

Don't you get bored here?

I do, it gets to be a drag.

But Jean-Louis adores it.

That's why I like having houseguests.

But I don't make love to all of them.

I drove 10 miles like this! It's still alive!

Incredible! I hardly ever drive!

It crossed the road, no time to brake!

Dammit to hell!

You sleep well?

Yes, very well...

Bravo! Clara said you were gentle, yet virile. She loved it!

I'm sorry...

It's not a problem. I'm delighted!

I haven't had a hard-on since April, 1993. Be my guest!

Have you seen the garden?

Yes, it's huge.

This works fine.

Very amusing!

No, it's a big bore!

Mr. Broustal? Can we call it a day?

Remember, I said my son's getting married today!

Yes, of course.

You should've reminded me! I forgot.

Can I come?

Sure, if you want to...

No, I'm kidding. What next?

Bastien, come look.

You told him about last night?

Sure! Only natural.

What do you think?

Morning, sir.

For lunch I made asparagus with mousseline sauce,

and cheese soufflé.

Will that do?

You like clothes, jewelry, all that?

- Yes, I do. - That's important.

I hate shopping with someone who's bored!

It'd kill her to answer me!

How about some cutlets, too?

Fine.

Or calf's liver?

Fine, too.

He's not fussy! Calf's liver it is!

Complaining again, Maryvonne?

No, Maryvonne never complains!

I adore her. She's a gem!

I feel great here! Just my wife and my friends.

- I'm glad you came. - So am I.

Yes, I can imagine.

You have no idea!

It's such a thrill to be here, beside you.

You're my role-model. It's a dream come true.

Fabienne gets mad because I talk about you so much.

She says it's a transference, as I never knew my dad.

It's dumb, but if it was up to me,

I'd want my dad to be like you.

My love!

How could you? You killed the poor stag!

Excuse me, Jean-Louis.

Can I make a quick phone call?

It's just to Fabienne.

Later! I'll need you shortly.

Don't laugh, but sometimes I have doubts.

Not about her, about myself!

Will she get bored? Am I good enough for her?

One can't get bored with you, Mr. Broustal!

How did you meet Clara?

It's a lovely story! I almost saw Clara being born!

Really?

Her dad's my former partner, Antoine Dorsac.

Dorsac, of Passport to Adventure?

I loved that show! Was it really faked?

I'll say it was!

Contestants were shepherded by a doctor and the local police!

How did he take you marrying his daughter?

Fine...

Wait here, I'll be back.

Really stinks!

- Be careful, it's acid! - What's it for?

To get rid of left-over meat for the vultures.

Dissolves it in a few hours, even the bones.

I can't make it to the woods, it's heavy!

- Did you feed my birdies? - Yes.

They'll get two meals!

Kiss me.

What?

I said, kiss me!

No...

Yes. Just a little peck.

Kiss me, dammit!

- You were about to! - No way!

- Yes, you were! - I knew you were kidding.

- You were going to. - No, I knew it.

- You're a little faggot! - No!

Yes, you are!

Good old Bastien!

Thanks for your mom's room. It's touching,

as I wanted a dad like you.

Let's cut out the mom and dad crap. OK?

Sure, I didn't want to embarrass you.

Good, now what do we do?

- We work? - No, not right away!

We've got to recover from city life.

Think of something, surprise me.

What do you usually do here?

Nothing, I'm bored!

Sports!

We go jogging! To rid you of foul Paris air,

it'll ventilate you!

Bastien! Advise me on our bedroom decoration!

- No, we're going jogging! - You, jogging?

He's right, it'll do me good!

You can go jogging this afternoon.

You've had him for an hour!

He's no decorator. Look at how he dresses!

Come, I'll find you some clothes!

You'll be near the pond?

We'll have a ball, Mr. Broustal!

And it's raining!

Don't be too long!

I love these sneakers!

Keep them, they're a gift!

Left!

You have a good stride! You should keep fit!

I love sports! But I don't have time.

The company used to have survival training.

Obstacle course, bungee jumping...

Yes, but there was an accident.

We had to stop: The press got nosy.

I'd have kicked 'em out!

You'll see, Letzger won't last in this business.

Too many vices, no discipline.

I did 6 years of Thai boxing, 3 years of jiu-jitsu.

You learn to use your opponent's strength...

We have to rest 5 minutes!

Stretch, or you'll freeze up.

It's the braying season. Know what that is?

The stags are mating.

They bray all night, then the males

fight to see who gets to fuck a doe!

You'll hear it tonight, it's moving!

Shall we head back?

Jean-Louis, telephone!

Shit, they never leave me alone!

For once I was having fun.

Enjoyed your little jog?

No, but he thought of it! It was almost a good idea!

See you shortly, OK?

Where is he? Did the idiot get lost?

Let's start, it's his tough luck!

Mr. Broustal!

I thought he'd be more amusing.

He is. Give him a little...

Give him time, he'll relax.

He's open-minded, that's nice!

Essential, you mean! So what do we do?

We wait, no snap decisions.

Here he is.

He's in quite a state!

So he is...

Sorry, I got a bit lost!

Don't apologize, Bastien.

We're here to relax. Didn't you follow the bike tracks?

No, I didn't think of that.

Come, I'll show you where to wash up.

What is it? You're not at ease here?

Yes, I am. Why?

Are we bad hosts?

No! Are you joking?

Clara and I aren't having any fun!

You have audiences in stitches! Here nada, no imagination!

I thought I came to work.

You're obsessed!

Don't you work all week?

Your project's perfect! Leave it alone!

Great! You wanted me to fix some things...

I know!

But I didn't know you hoped to host the show! Clara told me.

It may sound crazy, but...

Why not?

Are you serious?

You're endearing.

Let's see if you can become indispensable!

Come, she'll wonder what we're up to.

- Can I wash my hands? - Sorry.

On the left in the corridor.

Hurry, we've eaten!

Thanks, thanks a lot.

Good evening.

Let me thank the man who helped me get here!

On every show, I think of all he taught me.

He's my TV "father"...

There's no paper!

Shit! There's no paper!

Pain in the ass!

Shit!

Maryvonne!

What's that?

He asked for calf's liver.

Bastien, you eat meat?

Well, yes.

I eat meat.

You don't miss a trick! You couldn't know.

I'll try to smooth it!

Miss Clara Dorsac,

do you take Mr. Jean-Louis Broustal as your lawful wedded husband?

Yes.

Mr. Jean-Louis Broustal,

do you take Miss Clara Dorsac as your lawful wedded wife?

Yes, your honor.

I now pronounce you husband and wife!

Great. It's your wedding!

Take a shower, I put clean clothes on the bed.

That's kind, thanks...

I sign there.

This is an intimate moment, and we don't want to share it.

- Should I leave? - Yes, please!

OK.

I did right, no?

Unless we set things straight now, he'll be unmanageable!

I meant no harm...

- What do you mean? - I'm trying to tell you...

- I screwed your daughter. - No, Jean-Louis!

What are you getting at?

- What are you getting at? - Stop it, Dad!

You scumbag! I'll slug you!

Stop it!

Know where they are?

Having a siesta.

Doesn't the phone work?

They turn it off when they sleep.

Switchboard's in their bedroom, try your luck!

- Is there a child here? - No.

I saw the room.

They decorated it, just in case.

He can't have kids. Or so the crazy lady says.

They tried, but nothing works any more.

What are you doing?

Quitting this madhouse!

I should've gone 6 years ago, when his first wife left.

Or rather, when he kicked her out!

Do they know you're leaving?

You'll tell them.

You're here to straighten things.

Meaning?

You'll soon find out.

Find out what?

Nothing.

If you don't know, I won't spoil your surprise.

I didn't rat about the meat. Stop taking me for a fool!

Well?

I guess you're the replacement!

The what?

Nothing!

I'm disappointed.

So am I, Mr. Broustal.

Leave at once! Never come back!

I didn't intend to.

- Watch out! - What is it?

- Behind you! - What?

What, dammit?

- What the fuck is it? - Nothing!

Just kidding!

Just trying to liven things up!

She almost wrecked our weekend with her crap!

I can't get it up, or I'm half-cocked!

Fuck her!

Fuck you!

Why am I a "replacement"?

My dear Bastien, I have something important to tell you.

You know that I esteem you.

Your talent, availability, joie de vivre.

You've charmed the whole office.

Really?

Clara and I love to entertain people at home.

The only problem is that guests

don't know your habits, want service, ask questions...

Get to the point!

To avoid that,

for some time, Clara and I hire someone to amuse us.

To spice up our week-ends.

For a while we had a fellow who was spicy enough,

but he got rough with Clara.

Then we had Fabrice, but I found him insipid.

He's the one you kicked out of my office.

We haven't had much time to think it over,

but we love you and want to hold on to you.

Hold on to me?

I can't come every week-end!

Not every week-end! All the time!

You want me to live with you?

Yes.

Precisely. You live in our home,

travel around with us, escort Clara

to discos, parties, like people your age.

But I want you to take an AIDS test.

Being cool's fine, but safety first!

My motto's: Fun, fun, fun!

I want no more, but no less! Or you're out!

I'm not your man.

Wait, I'm not through.

I'll pay you $8000 a month, plus a company car,

a cell phone, for you to use and be reached on.

I'm not for sale, Mr. Broustal.

I appreciate your wife, and admire you,

but there are limits!

You want me as your court-jester.

That's strong language. Let's say, "male companion".

But I want a career in TV!

You'll have one! This is business plus pleasure!

I'll make you a star. You have talent: I want to exploit it!

You want a lot in exchange!

I have to think it over...

You two relax this weekend. We'll discuss it during the week.

We won't! I'll drive you to the train station!

You idiot!

Don't get mad, I'm touched...

That's enough, Bastien!

Get your things, I'll be in the car.

- Too bad it's gone sour... - I agree!

Little jerk!

You're gifted, cut from the right cloth,

but you lack a good pair of balls!

Try to understand...

I understand nothing at all!

I offer you a big salary, my wife, my friendship!

I could teach you all I know! And you turn me down, dammit!

I didn't! I said I needed to think...

But it's my fault, too. I goofed.

I don't often, but I did.

I'd have staked a lot on you.

I thought you'd make a great TV host!

Now you have doubts?

It's your lack of ambition and self-confidence!

You don't deserve a show...

You shouldn't even be working for us.

I think I'll fire you!

On what grounds?

That's no problem, we'll find something!

But why do I have to do this?

You can't be devoted to us, if you have another life!

It's not a trap, it makes sense!

And you'd be cheating on my wife!

What do I tell her?

That it's over, she has to move out and forget you.

What you're asking is really rough!

You'd rather catch the 6:17 to Paris?

Can't I tell her it's temporary,

and make it final later?

No, be firm! Or she'll phone all the time.

And don't tell her about us!

It's ringing.

Hello, Fabienne?

It's me.

I've thought about what happened last night,

and we should stop all that.

No, not the quarrels...

Everything, our relationship, the two of us.

I don't know if I've thought it over...

Yes, I've thought it over! You have to move out.

And...

It's her apartment! What do I say?

Just say...

Keep the apartment, but we're through.

She hung up.

Did you get sentenced to life?

Don't look so happy!

Let me get used to the idea.

Yeah, well...

OK, here we go!

Jean-Louis, take your pick! I can do a cartwheel, handstands!

Unless Clara has a more pressing need!

Take off your shorts, you'll have a white mark.

I don't mind.

This thing's hellish.

Relax. Let the vitamin D6 penetrate you.

It enhances your mood.

Yours and everyone else's.

Pale people aren't nice to look at.

A TV personality needs a tan to be respected.

- Really? - Sure.

We head for the sun once a month.

Soothes the nerves. At least, it does mine.

Jean-Louis feels nothing now, he's a vegetable! Right, sweetie?

I still feel the warmth caressing my balls.

I love being shaved all over.

I just did it, I'm hairless as a china doll!

It's so soft, so pleasant.

You want to touch?

Sorry, I have to get out of here.

We won the booby prize!

Feeling better?

See? You're nice and tanned.

I get claustrophobic in there.

You've got to toughen up!

Done any thinking? You found something?

Maybe we could play Pictionary. It's a game where you draw...

It's hard to think of things in the country.

Will we come here every weekend?

We're a blueprint for the 21st century couple.

We're way ahead of the pack, right?

No, you think I'm bragging! Yes, you do.

We all become what others think of us.

That's why I'm a cynical mover and shaker!

If I acted differently, no one would understand.

And they wouldn't obey. I want to be obeyed!

Jean-Louis! It's me!

You're here? You didn't warn us!

I need a printed invitation now?

I'll open.

- Hurry! - I'll open!

At last we'll have some fun!

Just what I needed! Here, love!

He's an idiot, but he has fun!

I said, I'm not your man.

You're not even trying!

OK, I get it! He replaced Fabrice!

Don't stare! This is an exception!

Do what you want, no need for excuses!

You bet I do what I want! Idiot!

Want a line?

No, thanks.

Jean-Louis went jogging today!

He made me go jogging.

The only good idea he's had!

I guess I'll have some.

He even waits on table! I'll miss you!

Sorry, I can't say the same.

He learns fast! He's quit flinching!

Watch out for your job!

He'll be in your ass, not learning showbiz!

One can do both, as you well know!

You learn to shut up!

We'll do a try-out for Proof in the Picture!

Tell him! He doesn't know!

I got your job, bozo!

Don't you know the network decides that?

How do you fool 'em? Do you just pick 'em dumb?

Speak up, you're on TV, won't happen again!

"Bastien's freaking.

"He knows he's losing the game

"To save him, dial 0899995500."

"Or on the Internet: Www.buffoon.com."

- Shut up! - Sit down!

He keeps riding me!

Sit down!

Stop jumping at people's throats!

You got no other defense?

I'm on to your games.

Everything you told me is crap!

Lightning strikes! How touching!

He's too much! People sure don't come here for the food!

I'm not hungry, either!

- What's going on? - What do you mean?

About the network?

It's bullshit! You know Letzger!

- Why are you like this with me? - Like what?

You're hostile.

Don't worry, everything's fine.

Look!

What an idiot! You found them? Where were they?

Wait for me!

Come, Bastien. I've been in this business 25 years.

No one ever imposed anyone on me! Trust me!

Wait for me! I'm coming!

Dance! You're a rabbit with myxomatosis!

And red eyes, too!

It's hot in here.

And getting hotter!

"In the mating season,

"a stag isn't choosy about the merchandise.

"To satisfy his huge sexual appetite,

"he may rub up against a tree,

"or lie on his belly

"and relieve himself in a muddy puddle..."

- Shall I tell a joke? - No, thanks.

You'll see, it's very funny!

Sure, but I'm not in the mood.

- Why can't I...? - You had all day! It's too late!

- Stop it! - No treats for the guests?

"It's too late". How?

Don't insist! Stop bugging me!

We made a mistake about you.

- You mean it's off? - It was never on!

What? 2 hours ago, you asked me to trust you!

I dumped everything for you! What do I do now?

Just do what you used to do!

Stop being a pain!

I feel my little kangaroo...

Have some fun...

Stop, I'm not in the mood any more!

Let go of me! Shit!

What's up, Philippe?

It's OK.

Little slut!

You're completely nuts!

I didn't mean to. I just wanted to hurt him!

You did a great job!

Can't one have any fun in this house?

To have fun! You understand that?

It's always gotta be violence!

Don't cry, I can't stand that! Stop it!

Stop it, calm down.

Sorry, I shouldn't have lost my temper.

Calm down, it doesn't matter!

Yes, it does.

You talk to me like a little girl!

No, I don't.

I treat you like an adult, a normal person.

I feel everything I do is wrong!

No, you do lots of things very well.

Really?

Of course. You're impulsive,

but I love that! Your zest, your youth!

Calm down, don't worry. We'll straighten it out.

Help me. He's leaking all over.

Don't move him till the police...

What police?

Aren't we going to call them?

To say there's a coked-up kangaroo on my floor? Did he slip?

We've got no choice!

- What'll you do? - Dump him in the woods he loved!

Stop right there!

Help you bury a TV star in the woods?

You really think I'm dumb!

What do I get for shutting up?

His job.

For 2 days, you've fed me a load of crap,

about my future, my talent. And I bought it.

OK, it suited me, but I trusted you.

I hope you had fun: Now it's over!

We'll call the cops and say what happened!

Think carefully. We're not joking now.

This is the chance of a lifetime!

No one knows he was here, no one will!

I know it.

You little prick!

I entertain you regally, and now you threaten me?

Sorry, Clara, we've got to call the cops.

I worked all my life to get to where I am!

Making shitty TV shows, for shitty audiences!

With my lawyers, the most you'll get is 7 years,

and be out in 4 for good behavior. I'll phone 'em.

Wait!

I've got another idea.

I'll help, or we'll be all night!

If he moves, kill him! One more won't matter!

That'll do!

You two'll be cramped at first: The acid'll make it roomier!

Help me. It's the last time, promised!

I bow to you.

I thought you'd enjoy it.

Gimme the watch. Pity to bury it.

Jean-Louis...

What is it, Philippe?

Speak up, I don't understand!

We gotta pull him out!

No, it's too late.

Sorry, no can do!

Too late!

It's too late, I said!

So shut up!

Stop it, Jean-Louis!

Stop it!

Hold it!

What's with you? Wanna get run over?

Shit!

Are you hurt?

I'm OK...

You out for a late stroll?

I fell asleep driving, ditched my car in a field.

Poor sap, you're hurt! I'll take you home!

You're lucky! Usually I'm in bed by now!

Rex!

Damn dog's chasing game!

Brittany spaniel.

Good hunting dog, but he bolts!

Last week, on a partridge shoot, he chased a hare,

took me 3 hours to find him!

If he smells blood, he'll run all night!

- But he's a... - Can you drive faster?

One crash wasn't enough?

Don't worry, no one'll steal your car.

If it's in a field, you'll need a tractor to get it out.

- What are you doing? - Going home!

What? You live here?

Isn't my remote great?

Look at that!

Hope I can trust you! I never let strangers in.

Sit there.

I'll get disinfectant.

Now what?

Mr. Balibot, it's Jean-Louis Broustal!

Yes. Mr. Broustal.

What's going on?

I got burglarized. I'm chasing a young man!

Really?

Don't be a fool, fella!

No big deal, we'll work it out.

Stop! It's Mr. Broustal!

How could I know?

Help me. Hold that!

- You find him? - I lost him.

Little creep! Let's call the police!

No way! I'll do it from home! I'll deal with it!

I have to file a complaint.

My gate's wrecked! I just automated it!

Go to bed! We'll deal with it tomorrow.

- I'll refund you for your car. - It was new!

You'll get a new car and gate!

No need. We'll make the insurance pay!

Forget the insurance. Or we'll have to say your wife shot at me!

Let's avoid all that. I'll just reimburse you.

It's nothing for me! Bye, Mr. Balibot.

Sounds a bit fishy to me.

You're in TV, you're used to all that,

I'd like to do it your way, but...

I'd rather do it by the rule-book!

I'll call you tomorrow, we'll work it out.

Meanwhile, don't make a move!

Can I call a tow-truck to open my gate?

Don't touch a thing!

Good night!

Good night. Shall I run you home?

I'm dumb, I can't do it!

Yes, good night!

Open, Jacqueline!

What's got into you?

- Where is he? - He was here 5 minutes ago.

Where were you? You're due on the set!

Where's Letzger? What's going on?

Yes, he's here.

It's for you.

You're right, one learns a lot from you!

Spit it out!

I've thought it over: I accept your proposition.

I wasn't sure I was up to it, but I'll take his job!

Of course, I have some conditions.

That's why I took this from your home.

I figured it'd come in handy!

Of course, I made copies.

In case anything happens to me.

Things will change here, Mr. Broustal.

"Things will change here, Mr. Broustal."

Really? OK...

If you say so.

But what?

That's the whole problem. What did you say?

"In case anything happens to me"?

What could happen to a jerk-off like you?

You've got a petty scheme, and this gadget!

Think you can blackmail me?

You scared?

Hello, Bastien.

The little ballbuster who thinks he can bust my big balls,

bigger than your amateur con-man's tiny nuts!

I'm real scared of what you've got on me!

This is Broustal Productions! Don't go to lunch yet:

I've killed someone!

Things look bad for me!

Until it's settled, you'd better lock me up!

Call the police!

Book me a room in the Paris jail, in the VIP wing!

Here's my only request:

Make sure I can crap quietly in my cell!

The countdown has started.

20... 19...

18...

17...

You want my outfit? Take it!

What the fuck do I care!

15... 14...

13...

Want my suits and gold watches?

Your private spot on a Riviera beach?

You'll get all that! And the pretty sluts that go with it!

But you won't get me.

Things move too fast now.

We're like birds, we fly over life,

it's intoxicating, we float, high in the sky,

carried away by the speed of it all,

until we're worn out.

7... 6...

5... 4...

Sorry, I won't attend your first show.

You thought you had me by the balls!

One day you'll realize that's not power.

Power is making final decisions.

Deciding how a conversation ends.

That's having power.

I'm deciding how we take leave of each other.

3...

2...

1...

I win!

Subtitles: A. Whitelaw

Processed by L.V.T. - Paris