Original subtitles

When I first came to Los Angeles, it looked like just this mass of dots.

All jumbled and disconnected.

It was pretty disorienting.

What the fuck are you doing? I'm straight.

That is so how all guys say that No, I'm serious, dude.

Oh really? It's too bad. 'Cos I'm amazing.

I don't like to brag, but I can suck the

engine block to the tail pipe of the '58 Chevy.

Really? Yeah, talking 'bout the big ones with the 380s.

Oh. So you know cars, yeah? And beer.

See, unlike with women, you can crack one open right after..

Hell! You can have one during.

It'll just be a little fun between buddies, you know.

And you'll never have to call me.

Till you're up for another round, that is.

You're not worried about Elizabeth coming in?

Elizabeth? My roommate is Julie.

I'm here for a date with Elizabeth. Elizabeth is 243D, as in 'down the walk'.

This is 243B. As in 'Blowjob'. You're not StraightCurious from AOL?

No. Not again.

Oh, shut up! You're so lying to me. A-a! Check the journal! Look.

September 20th. Oh my God! That is so funny! So maybe you should write a song about that.

I can't believe you've almost done with your demo

and you haven't written a song about your best friend.

Yeah, I can't believe that the tree falls in the forest

it wouldn't have something to do with you.

Hey, J. Martinis, vodka or gin?

Gin, and you, you can tell that friend of yours to go fuck himself.

You know, I only have one friend who can actually do that, and I doubt you've met.

I mean the base player. We were just supposed to lay down some tracks

but the second song it was like my bra had grown hands.

Excuse me, wannabees, order up.

One callback, she's Margo Channing

Second callback, thank you. Second lead in the feature.

I'm so getting this. Soon, I can kiss you losers goodbye

and finally justify moving to this miserable fucking town.

You ever read for Barry Wolf?

Hey, why are we skipping on the fries? Come on, load me up.

Barry Wolf read me once for this commercial,

he was licking me with his eye the whole time.

They don't call him the 'Wolf who cried Boy' for nothing.

You know, he wouldn't even see me for that

crappy TV 'Wacky Gay Neighbour' thing? What's that about? I'm gay, I'm wacky

Maybe you're not neighbourly. Fuck you. I'm Donna Reed on a stick

Excuse me, darlings. I hate to interrupt this

important discussion between all you big stars...

I'll settle for medium star. Point well taken.

In the meantime, I hear that Disney's opening a Fantasia

restaurant where the plates fly themselves to the tables.

Until then, what to do. Hot stuff, coming through. Yes!

Hi guys.

You take one of my tracks and give the karaoke at Funny Boys. Julie!

Also two-for-one margaritas? I'll be there.

Enjoy your meal.

Quit gawking, we don't have all day.

Au, fuck. Yeah, fuck you too. Mum? Julie. Where the hell are you?

I'm here. Isn't this where you called me, where did we end up last night?

I don't know, but I woke up without my bra. That's never a good sign.

I wouldn't worry about it.

So, why are you calling me and not just tiptoeing

across the hall with sympathy and Excedrin?

I tried that, I thought you'd gone. Spin class is starting. Oh fuck.

Hey, hold up a minute.

We've met. Um, no, I'm brand new here.

Hey, Green, let's get it moving along huh. Gotta go.

All unpacked...final bell, Harmon is down.

Hey Gilford why don't you come over here and give me a back rub?

Wrong tree. Barking. Think I'm rubbing your pimply back, you homo.

David? Come on, Green, help a guy, allright? Have stuff to put away.

Come on, Gil, just like ten minutes. You know I'd give you one.

You're on. No, I asked you first. Nope.

That hurts! Prepare to die, dude.

Hey. Hi!

You remember me, from across the way? Yeah. Harmon!

I brought you guys a 'Welcome to the complex' sixer.

Uh, thanks, but we don't drink.

What kind of frat boys are you?

Who called up Deliver-A-Fag?

Geez, Ryder a little louder and he'll probably hear you. I don't care

You see those flippin' shorts he was wearing?

Just check that. OK, three of these

There was the most adorable man, Daniel, here this evening.

I thought I might introduce you. Really?

Blue shirt, end of the bar? Actually yes. Daniel. We've met.

August, 3rd... yup. Oh, not so good, not so good.

Andrew, can I have a glass of that Merlot there?

Sure thing. And Ben called for you, Miss M.

Well, I suppose if he calls this late in the week,

I can call him this late in the evening, right? -Absolutely. -Cheers.

Oh oh, you guys wanna hear something freaky? Remember those four people

that moved into Elizabeth's old apartment? Guess what they do.

Quadruplet porn stars. This town? Hardly freaky. They're rodeo clowns.

No, listen, it's even weirder than that. They are Mormon missionaries, swear to God.

Oh. Although rodeo clowns would've been kinda cool.

They must've loved your aberrant lifestyle. I dated a Mormon guy once.

His family put him through shock therapy. We have sex, he was a wild man.

Then he wanna throw himself out the window.

So, you live on the first floor. Yes, but it's hell on my azaleas

Now, wouldn't it be funny if you converted them instead of them converting you?

Could you imagine? No, I've seen these boys, they're wound way too tight for that.

I bet he can't do it.

Oh, wait. Are we betting here? Same as always, five and a sixer?

Oh no, this is big. 20 bucks says he can't.

We're going high stakes? 50 says he can't.

I've seen the guys on the bikes. I'm thinking, this time you have met your match.

Really? -Bullshit. 50 says he can. And I bust tables for a week.

50, 2 weeks, can't. OK, I'm in with Andrew, no way.

Oh, cool. We on? So what are we talking about here? I get him to what?

Do anything? Blowjob? We need proof. OK, underwear.

I knew this other Mormon guy in the army. They got these sacred boxers they shimmer.

Get one of those. Sacred undies? I gotta see this. All right, I'm in.

I will get one of those boys out of their underwear Seal the deal.

Alright, we're going out tonight?

Oh please, not another episode of 'Christian hooks up'.

Hey, gotta keep my skills honed. To skills.

Hey, leaving? Yeah, yoga. You? Mmm, arm day...

Hey, I don't think we've met. I'm Julie Taylor.

Hi. I'm Elder Davis. What you reading there?

I'm just studying. You know, I thought I'd come outside.

'Cos, we're from Idaho, it gets cold in October.

Oh, wow, bummer. It's pretty much like this all the time here.

Isn't it, Chris? Yeah.

So, what is it that you guys do? We talk to people about our church.

Oh really? Chris likes to talk to people.

Sometimes it helps people to find meaning in their lives.

Julie was complaining her life is void of meaning.

Void? I said 'void'? Well, maybe we can come talk to you.

You know, we would like that. Sure. OK.

Bye.

Subtle... Yeah, I got 50 right on you. See you at work.

Thank God she's leaving. Can you believe 'Entertainment Weekly' called her

the new sweetheart of American cinema?

That cunt? She made Julie take my table, because she thought

I hadn't bathed recently. Like she should talk. Did you see her eat?

Yeah, did you check out her legs? Now I know why they call them calves.

I bet after sex, she smokes a ham

Darling, give me a glass of Cuvet

I do hope we're not speaking disparagingly about our clientele

Gossip is so ignoble.

Especially regarding those less fortunate. Less fortunate? That bitch?!

You know something... tell.

No, I would never tell tales, such as

with the frequency she does it

the poor child must think that binging and purging are aerobic excercise.

She hardly looks bulimic. Yes, if I were a different sort, I'd suggest

a little more of the purging, a little less of the binging.

But I would never say such things. For gossip is the lowest form of discourse.

You should avoid it if at all possible.

Hear, hear. I shall be in the office, cooking the books, if anybody needs me.

Oh, and Ben called. He seemed kind of insistent.

Do you suppose Lila is hiding a boyfriend from us?

Fucking skank... that's not a tip, that's an indictment.

Take it sound, J. Christ, who pissed in your Cheerios?

Some A and R guy. She has drinks with this guy so he'll listen to her demo

and now she fears for her virtue. Hey!

He's totally cute. I bust my ass making a great demo,

I can't get anyone to listen to it till this guy

who so obviously just wanted to fuck me. Poor baby. I thought he was cute.

What, you would have sex to help your career?

Honey, I'd blown a guy just to get him out of my apartment.

Sex for my career would be noble.

Ben, I'm not ready to make that kind of decision yet.

I have to go. OK, I'll call.

Here's Andrew's wine order. Thank you.

Is there something else? Everyone thinks Ben is your

boyfriend, but he's not, he's a doctor, isn't he?

Is everything OK? Young man, I will not

be the subject of gossip in my own establishment.

Sorry.

And that's how, through Joseph Smith,

God restored the true church of Jesus Christ to the earth.

Have any questions?

How come if God talks to Joseph Smith, he's a prophet

but if God talks to me, I'm schizophrenic? Ah, well, he was sort of special.

What's the Mormon church's stand on black people?

That's a good question. African American members

have been allowed to hold the priesthood since 1978. Since disco. And women?

Women don't get to hold the priesthood, what they get

is to be wives and to be mothers and share in its blessings.

Oh, sharing. See, sharing is good. Christian here was wondering

what is your church's stand on gay rights.

Um well... There's no such thing.

'Gay' and 'right' don't belong in the same sentence.

Oh, but 'right' and 'rightwing' go hand-in-hand?

Yeah, God hates homos.

You're gonna come into my house and tell me God hates homosexuals?

And the French!

God hates the French? Everybody hates the French.

Just push the orange button. Oh, you are such a sweetheart

for doing that, thank you. You're welcome.

Ma, you're flashing the whole terminal. I can't help it.

If I don't they are gonna end up around my knees.

Oh, I'm losing the only other sane one around here.

I think this belong to you now, son. Do us proud. Yes sir, I will.

You know, you have yourself a real safe trip, OK?

Oh, for crying out loud, I wasn't gonna do this.

Ma, you promised. If you start, I will.

I know, but I can't help it, because you're my baby, you know.

And you always will be.

You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, if there's a problem, I could come back.

Look, maybe I'm just homesick.

Homesick? For Idaho? Okay, fine.. I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

It's just.. When I left home... I zoomed like a rocket here.

But if you've never been away from home before.. Have you?

What? I've been away from home. Just, not for two whole years.

Could be worse, could be raining.

That's 'Young Frankenstein'. Yeah. So two years, huh? Yeah.

We're not allowed to call or go home in the holidays,

and they're not allowed to visit.

Wow, where do I sign up? Hey, I happen to like my family.

After all, a boy's best friend is his mother.

'Psycho'! That's 'Psycho', right?

She goes a bit mad sometimes.. We all go a bit mad sometimes.

At least you got your friends here, right?

What, Ryder? No, we just got assigned to each other a few weeks ago.

Oh. Well, better you than me.

Kind of a funny coincidence, all you guys being named Elmer, huh? -Elmer?!

You think I'm an Elmer? -Well, you're not?

No, doofus! It's Elder. It's a title. Elder..

Oh, that's a good thing. Somebody naming you Elmer,

it's just mean. What's your first name, then?

We're not allowed to use them. What? Why not?

We're not allowed to do a lot of things.

It's Aaron. Aaron. I like that.

You're gonna sort through those, right?

Colours and whites don't mix, Aaron. OK, thanks.

Oh wait, you've never done your laundry before either, have you?

Well, maybe I've just never done everybody's.

That's what I have to do, 'cos I'm a greeny. The new guy, you know.

So I have to do everyone's laundry, in accordance with prophecy.

Really? Psyche'! Dude, you're way too easy. That's what I've heard.

Well, thanks for the laundry tips.

Geez, Elder. You're a thousand miles away over here

How you doing, Green? Good. Yeah, you sure? Yeah.

You know, when I was a Green, it was really tough.

I used to pray that I would die during the night

so I wouldn't have to wake up to another day of this. You're joking me, right?

I couldn't take going back to the family, you know,

Salt Lake and all. I had two of the general authorities

at my missionary farewell. You know what's that like,

your dad is a state president, right?

They set this thing up to be difficult, OK?

We can't listen to music, we can't watch movies,

we're never supposed to be alone.

I mean, what, we're 19, 20 years old,

and we're not even allowed to beat off.

Some nights I wake up and I find teeth marks on my head board.

Look, I put my time in here so that I can go home,

so I could marry Jennifer, so that I can finally nail her.

See? It's amazing what we'll do for sex.

I know you did! I did not, I promise you.

Yes you did! I cross my heart. Oh, that means something.

Hey, we'd like to play here. Yeah, we're playing here.

You're just farting around. How vivid. We're playing, see?

Bounce the ball, bounce the ball. No, you're just jerking us around.

There's one afternoon a week where I can just be normal

and play some hoop, and you have to come and get all ignorant about it?

Oh, listen to that, Julie. I didn't think Mormons liked whine?

I didn't know fairies liked sports. Fairies? Oh, how seventh grade.

Why don't we just play two on two? But you're.. A girl, so I can't play?

But then I am black, so maybe I can.

Your only problem is deciding which one of your

narrow-minded stereotypes can kick your lilly white ass.

Which one will it be? Black girl... and a fag?

We'll mop you like a dirty floor.

Fine. We're shirts, you're skins.

Uh... no...

Fine, we'll be skins.

That's unfair put your shirts back on we can keep the teams straight

You can play. Yeah, we can learn a skill.

I played in highschool, when I learned all the jocks were doing it

but only with other jocks.

Maybe we should cut the chatter.

OK slackers, how's the studying coming? Ryder? Right.

All right, First Corinthians 7,1. Ryder? Right. Anybody? Gil.

And therefore these promises, dearly beloved,

let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness

of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.

Well, all right Green! You know, if Gilford wouldn't be

completely heartbroken, you would be my new best friend.

Yeah, Harmon, I got your heartbreak right here. Oh, man!

Elder, you got the devil in you!

Hey.

Oh, shit. Jesus Christ! Sorry, I stabbed myself. Looks like you're bleeding.

You okay? No, I'm fine. Just go back to your reading.

What? I think you.. fainted. I don't bleed very well.

I'm OK, really. No, maybe we should get you inside.

Ryder! Wanna give me a hand?

Damn Ryder I'm gonna hit you and it's gonna hurt. That hurt! I warned you.

All right. No, Aaron, come on. Do me a favor you've got to take a look at it...

tell me if I stiches or something.

I can't really tell.

All right, look! Come on I'm not going to lunge at you just take a look at it.

Let's see here..

Is it bad? No, it's fine, it's just a little cut.

Do you have any disinfectant? Yeah.

It's funny, you know. I'm not squeamish. In high school, we went to this hospital,

but I was the only one who wanted to watch surgery. They brought me in and they..

scrubbed me down, and they put me in these green things, you know?

You have Band-Aid? I watched as they opened this guy's chest

and there it was, this heart, this human heart.

You think about it beating and all but it's

it's more of a dance.

And I couldn't get over it that's all

That tethers us to this planet you know that

fragile little muscle

and it's tiny you know, in the scheme of things...

if you think about all the things that can stop it

there's got to be something else

some miraculous thing that keeps that valiant little muscle dancing

you know what I mean?

I'm sorry... I'm gonna stop talking

I have to lay down now.

It's hot

I'm hot

Maybe I should get you a cool cloth

I haven't done anything

anything like this... happened...

It's OK...this doesn't have to mean anything

Yes it does

It can be just a little fun... between friends

My first time could just be a little fun for you?

Maybe you can equate sex with a handshake

That's what... like a badge?!

What do you want me to congratulate you?

Hey... don't preach to me, OK?

I know you are some kid from the sticks

You come in here an fucking judge me?

Yeah... I am some dudah pudnacker from Pocatello...

they ship us here from dork island

I'm saying I know how retarded you think I am OK

You found me out, alright?

My worst secret

Now I'm humiliated so your work is done here

Wait... I don't think you are a dork

but if you know how ridiculous you look, why would you do it?

Don't you believe in anything?

Yeah... Then tell me...

Tell me one thing in your life beyond a shadow of a doubt that you really believe

I believe Ann Margret has never been given her due as a night actress

Duh! For Tommy alone, I mean, did you see her when she was...

Is that something you can build a life on!

Look at yourself!

You're so pretty and colorful on the outside

but on the insde you're nothing but fluff

You're like a walking... talking... marshmallow peep

That's not fair

It doesn't matter when it's true

I can't believe what I was about to do

When there is nothing Christian, nothing about you that's not skin deep

Do you believe in God?

What, who are you talking to? You.

No, everybody...alright, general question: Do you believe in God?

You mean other than Madonna?

Fucking A yeah, I do... why not?

I believe in harmony as a law in the universe like

gravity you know we're meant to vibrate together

Well being positive since I was 17 gives meaning to the word Miracle so yeah

I mean without getting all holy on your ass I believe...what?

The mormones are mindfucking him

Oh honey you do not want to let them get into your psyche

You start off listening to Amy Grant but then before you know it

it's 3 am and you got your Visa card and you're giving it

to the scary bitch on tv with the lavender hair

Hello Chris we have a bet going here. It's you convert one of them, remember?

Did you forget who you are talking to here? I will bust everyone's tables if I lose this

But let me just say... No no, let me say...

I dated this guy once... actor, cute

southern came from this real religious family

well his parents found out he was gay and can you say drama..

They sent him to one of those Christian change ministries

Wow, did he change? Did he!

His thing used to be a tux I'm serious he's still gayer than a box of birds

a box of birds... they love that!

How about twirlier than a party dress but seriously, it fucked with him

Well I'm now being fucked with

It's just... I'm not shallow, am I?

Honey, you don't have to be deep you just have to be pretty

OK, you're not helping

If you have something to prove be at my house at 6:30 in the morning

6:30 in the morning... why?

You have to sacrifice if you want to find yourself

or whatever it is you're doing

You don't think I'll be there

Quit bitching it's the early bird who gets the worm

There's an incentive... specially as we don't get pizza till 2 am

OK, here's the deal

after your training I'm going to set you up on a route

A route! On my first day?

It's what you do already, it's delivering food only this time you're driving

Think as yourself as a waiter on wheels

Great, I will give you some hot pants and roller skates as a fullfilment of a dream

For all of us...

Hi! We're from the Church of Jesus Christ.. Just a moment

Honey? Stacey, you'll wanna hear this...

What have we here...!

Hello, Project Angelfood, hello?

I said come in three goddamn times

Sorry, I didn't hear you

Where do you want me to put this

I don't care, I'm not hungy

OK, well maybe I can just turn a light on in here Prick

You're not going to last long if you look that shocked with everybody

I'm going to put this down over here

So... you got a cigaret?

ahuh... isn't that an oxygen tank?

Couldn't that... explode?

Boom

That would be such a terrible way to go wouldn't it?

So come on how about that cigaret

Sorry, I don't smoke

What are you doing here?

I'm delivering your food, I thought we'd been through the routine

No no I mean you

Pretty boys don't usually do shit like this

Are you punishing yourself, or something?

Feel... guilty for being so good looking

and there are so many ugly fucks in the world?

you get tired of doing reps at the gym?

and bragging about your latest conquests

and all the rest of your stupid shallow little life?

Fuck you. You don't know me

Of course I do I used to be you

I had a career...friends... looks the whole package...

but now I am just a skeletol reminder that we might only be in the eye of the hurricane

OK, I'm gonna go now

I'm just fucking with you right?

You should have seen your face

I get bored, I'm sorry... I like to rattle the newbies

I must really look like shit it didn't use to be this easy

Could you just help me with this pillow under me I don't... I can't...

anyway sort of christ my butt has wasted away to nothing

it's too bad cause I used to have a killer ass, I did

I've got pictures of it around here somewhere

I take your word for it That's good

Snow! It's all just snow!

What did you just say?

Maybe it's the meds but...

Sometimes I get this weird read on people like a blank TV screen

all I see is snow

What do you suppose that means?

Nothing

I'll see you

No you won't

We should go in.

Ah for the love of flippin Pete we're not tracked in a hospital

That's sick, and not in a good way

Let's just see if they let us leave some pamphlets in the lobby

And you're dancing solo, cowboy!

They only allow non-denominational literature in the lobby

What did I flippin tell ya!

You OK?

Is there anything I can do?

I.. I'm sorry

I don't do this

I refuse to break down in front of strangers

But someone dies

I'm so sorry

They shouldn't have made me do it

Turn it off... like...

watching a line on a little screen just... go

straight

He always said that television would be the death of him

Was he your husband?

No...never my official husband...

then again

probably my best friend

His doctor Ben called me and said that it was time

This is what he wanted

I should have been prepared for it

Who are you?

Cary Grant?

No Ma'am I'm a mormon missionary

We just pass out pamphlets

and they give us these discussions that we memorize

I really don't know what to say here

Did you read the Sunday Comics?

I beg your pardon?

The comic page

When I was a little kid I used to put my face right up to them you know

and I was just amazed because it was just this mass of dots

I think life is like that sometimes

but I like to think that from God's perspective

life... everything...even this..

makes sense

it's not just dots

in stead we're all... we're all connected

and it's beautiful

and it's funny

and it's good

from this close we can't expect it to make sense

right now

Thank you Oh keep it

Would you come and see me? Please?

Drinks are on the house

Oh I don't drink

That must make your church a bit of a hard sell

At times

Well just hold on to it anyway

Maybe you can come by for a meal... on me

I will

Promise?

I promise

So, did you have fun? Talking to crying lady?

Yeah, I did actually

Good. So we missed lunch

I've seen you guys going out early in the morning

I bet you are wondering where I am off to huh?

You are always at the gym

No, I am volunteering now Project Angelfood

That's great

What do you want from me.. some sort of merit badge?

No... I just... you know what you said about me it's not true

Fine! It's not true and the world is a better place

You're not doing that cause of what I said, are you?

No, I just thought we could... Yeah we could what?

Hang out? Be best friends? Ride off into the sunset?

I don't know

Everyone seems to think that... they treat me like I'm... ...like you're perfect

Yeah... maybe so at times

And you are the first person I've met that's made me feel

like that's not enough like maybe I want to be something more

So I just thought... Look...whatever you thought...

Don't

We're colours and whites... ...we don't mix

Oh fuck I got to piss

Hall in, first door on your right

I don't kiss

What's your name again?

Dick?

Dirk

Dirk? Your parents named you Dirk?

It's really Mort

My friends call me Watersports Sport

It's not that I don't appreciate what you're doing back there but...

Could we have a little talk?

Talk?

Cool!

I'm into that

Fuck yeah... I am your nasty little slut boy I'm your pussy whore

You're gonna spank momma's ass cause she's been a bad, bad girl

Oh, OK that's not exactly what I meant

I meant conversation

Conversation?

Why?

Don't you ever want to get to know someone?

Have it... mean something sleep with someone and actually Sleep with them

You wanna what... Sleep together?

I don't know man.. Isn't that kind of intimate?

Excuse me, a moment ago you were licking my spleen

but sleeping with you would be too intimate?

Woa.. now you're freaking me out

I didn't know you were into weird shit

I'm just gonna go man

I'ts back... Yeah! It must be your lucky fucking day

Or maybe I'm not suffering enough yet

I didn't expect to see you again

Oh come on now you don't think you going all Miss Cleo

on me is going to scare me off that easily now, do you?

Maybe it's just dementia setting in

Sometime I read people and I... I pick up the Oracle at Delphi

And sometimes I growl at people doesn't make me Eartha Kitt

I'm just going to put this right about here Doesn't matter, I'm still not hungry

I don't remember asking if you were

I just deliver the stuff, remember

But my friend Andrew made this and he doesn't even cook for his

boyfriends so the least you can do is try an be polite

and eat it

I don't have to pretend to be polite I think I've earned that right

Oh yes, that's right... you're dying you're bitter... blah blah blah

Fortunately I'm shallow so I'm impervious to that

Now eat it

Impervious...

I bet you don't know how to spell that

Sure I do.. It's spelled 'Bite me'

Now just to show that our little problems

in this world don't amount to a hill of beans

I'm going to read about some people who have some real trouble

Say it isn't so!

What

Well, apparently poor Pam Anderson has had her breast implants taken out

and put back in so many times her entire chest is collapsing

Oh they have bikini pictures

They're horrible! Shut up

No they are seriously, they're down to her knees

Eat your chicken and I'll show you

Prick

Give me the fucking magazine

Aaron, what happened!

There was an accident Come on let me help you inside

There was this car that was just going way too fast

Ryder... I should have warned him now they've take him to the hospital and...

Accidents.. they happen

I was thinking.... I wasn't even paying attention It's OK...

Look... you're in no position... I should..

go

Ah for flippin... Gross!

Pretty boy is not the only fag here

OK, look, nothing happened here guys

We walked in here and you two were mackin' like

schoolgirls and you're saying nothing happened?

Well maybe you can try and reach down in your little

bible geek soul and be cool for two seconds?

I don't think you get to be making requests here gayboy

Don't fucking touch me asshole

Dude you so got to be leaving

Don't blow this out of proportion, it's not that big of a deal, right?

Yeah, it kind'a is

Please just go

Um...hi. Is Davis around? You're too late loverboy..

you'd better betcha they're putting your

boyfriends butt on a plane home this afternoon

and now we have to move again cause we can't live across from some big doodah flamer homo

thank you very much

You stay! Your friend and I are gonna have a little talk

OK asshole the way I see it you've got a big mouth and only one arm to back it up

so how is it going to look when a big flamer kicks the shit out of you

Ryder... tell me where he is What do you think I wanted to see him get busted?

This may come as a surprise to you but I actually liked the guy

He took this whole thing serious as a seizure

But we were getting through it OK

So why him? Huh?

did you go fuck him up

He doesn't deserve the kind of grief he's got coming down the pipe

Nothing was supposed to happen to him

Oh pucky! You were gunning for something ever since we got here

and if you want to know where he is I want to know why

It was...it was just stupid.. it was just a dumb bet 50 bucks but it's not about that

It's not about that at all

Please

You're too late anyway his flight left 10 minutes ago

Hey... if it's any help... there's a five hour lay-over in Salt Lake

Thanks!

Aaron!

Sorry

God I hate the snow

What are you doing here

I came after you

How could you leave without saying anything

It's not my choice

I'm being sent home in shame

And I'm probably going to be excommunicated

For just a kiss?

Don't get me wrong it was a nice kiss but

hey come on we didn't even get to use our tongues.

You wouldn't understand I'm sorry I'm not... I'm not very good at this

See I've never made a fool out of myself in front of anyone before

But I've never felt this way before about anyone in my entire life

What for just some guy you can't have

And then next week you're get to be on to your next conquest

But what if you're not

Huh? What if everything in my entire pathetic life which

I happen to love has led me to this point, right now

What if you are the blinding light in the middle of the road

that strikes me like the guy in... ...the in the Bible

him! Paul? Yeah!

And what if everything's changed like that...

And lions lay down with lambs and colours mix with whites...

What if you're the one I have been waiting for my whole life

and I let you go

You have no idea what I'd be giving up

Damnit... what's wrong with you

You want revelations engraved in gold and angels trumpeting down from heaven

what if this is it in stead

Me telling you I love you, right here.. in the snow

I think that is pretty miraculous

But if you don't... I'll go you can pretend this was just some coincidence

you can pretend there wasn't some reason we met

That you're sorry I ever walked into your life

God I hate the snow

Ho... door must have froze shut you boys come in before you freeze too

My we're closing the whole airport because of this storm

How long did we go at it

Two and a half hours

It's OK right?

OK?

That's amazing

I don't know how long you're supposed to do it

You carry a pocket watch! Just some months

It was actually my great grandfathers but

I don't think you came here for a geneology lesson

You know, I thought you'd be a little more reticent

Well... I'm already going to hell for kissing you so..

I may as well take the scenic route

What God do you believe in

It's not just God

it's everything

this... you... tonight

I'm just... turning my back on it all

But you know I guess... a guy like you really doesn't

know what that's like you know..

to be completely cut off

When I was 13 years old my dad

he was this macho hot shot banker guy

and I was just this skinny little kid...

who'd been caught trying on his mother's shoes one too many times

anyway, my dad said he would rather die than raise a little nellyboy

and I thought I would rather die than be one

So my dad, who'd never been out of the city in his entire life

decided we're going to go hunt deer

so my dad drags me to this lodge up in the Sierras right...

it's early November

the same as now

and there is this storm rolling in

my dad was so determined that sissy boy was going to kill something

snow came at us from all sides

the air, the sky, the ground they all became the same

and horrible screaming...white

and I thought we're gonna be OK, right

and then I saw my father's eyes

and they were that same white...

and that's when he did it

And do what?

Ran

He didn't come back for you

Uh uh

But I got calm... I knew I was going to die

and that's when I heard it

an angel

singing

An angel?

Turned out not to be an angel at all

What was it

Just the wind... over some rocks

A cave

Inside at least I was out of the snow and I guess I drifted off

when I woke up it was dark

it was still snowing hard and I heard a noise at the mouth of the cave like a bear

and it grabbed me and it picked me up and I fought but I was so weak and cold...

all I could do was knock the bear's hood off Bear had a hood?

Turned out to be a bear only in the sense

of the search and rescue guy was pretty hairy

That's when it got weird

And not until then?

He ripped off all my clothes

and he tore all his clothes off

Sure you weren't delirious?

Then he stuffed us into a sleeping bag

Oh wait, hypothermia, I remember from the boyscout manual

Exactly but I didn't know what to think

I was so... tired

and cold

despite of it all..

I popped the biggest woody ever

And he wrapped those big arms around me

pulled me into that hairy chest

and told me I was OK

That was the first moment in that whole ordeal I began to cry

I don't blame you I would have been freaked out too

No...

it was joy

I thought I'd rather die than be gay

I got a pretty good idea what dying felt like

But lying there in the arms of that man

I thought if this is what being gay feels like

Bring it on

Come on... let's get you home

Hello?

Oh that's very funny Fuck you Andrew

Boy... where have you been

Salt Lake

OK if you haunt your guys all that way you had better tell me you won the bet

I think I'm the loser on this one...

Hey hey hey..don't let it get to you... even Tiger Woods slices now and then

Fucking Andrew!

Is he doing his crackhead telemarketer again?

No he is jerking me around by...

on the offchance just... you didn't happen to give my demo out to anyone, did you?

Um.. yeah.. this Angel Food guy delivered to him

and he said he was once in the music business but..

you know I thought he might like it

I think he gave it away

To?

Oh Julie oh no I mean he's on heavy medicine he's loopy anyway

you can't take what he says seriously... Julie you are hurting my arm

Who did he give it to? He said he was gonna give it to Clive...

Davis??

Clive Davis?

Oh fuck me I hung up on Clive Davis?

Oh my God answer it

No you answer it.. Answer it!

Au Julie that's the arm that I... Fucking answer it!

Hello?

Julie Taylor?

Um... so is that Clive with a D of Clive with a V

Oh well.. it's official... winter's here

Bundle up

Ah... much better

So... guess what...this A and R guy from the record company

has been totally coy about which team he plays on..

when I introduce you, you can totally nail him

and set the record straight

well... so to speak

I go pass on this one... You know... why? he is totally cute, I'm serious

What's wrong with you... you know, you haven't been yourself since...

wait... are you still not over missionary man?

I don't know

Chris

It's weird with him disappearing like that

OK... wel then stop moping like a schoolgirl and do something about it, call him...

Just dial 1-800-TORTURED MORMON?

Probably sounds they've got enough of them

But I think you should just get the hell over it Maybe I don't want to

I mean LA is a city where everyone dances with one eye on the door...

like we're all waiting for something better to walk in

Who would even recognize it if it did?

It would be nice to stop circling

It would be nice to stop equating sex with a handshake

And it would be nice to have it mean something

Listen to you, you are turning into a chick

Shut up! You are! Wait Christian wait, seriously you dropped something

What? Your balls! Must have fallen over under somewhere

This is me not talking to you

OK wait but you're still coming to the show tonight, right?

As president of the Pocatello stake it is my unhappy duty

and obligation to convene this church court on behalf of the Elder

Aaron Davis for grave and grievous sin of homosexuality

In the light of your abnormal and abonimable state

and your refusal to see you have been duped

into a hogwash alternative lifestyle..

I wish my shame was enough for both of us

not to mention the shame you brought to this church..

a family... our ancestors... Wait a minute our ancestors?

Dad...your grandfather had half a dozen wifes

Same goes for every single person in this room...

I'd say we were the original definition of alternative lifestyle

Are you calling us hypocrites?

No we've gone way beyond hypocracy Dad, now we're just being mean

With the authority invested in me by the Melchizedek priesthood

and in the name of Jesus Christ I have no choice

but to begin excommunication proceedings against you

at witch point you will be stripped of the priesthood...

the garments... and membership in this church

Still at it?

There are a lot of Davises up there

Hi, I'm trying to reach an Aaron Davis No not Errol.. AARON...two A's...

Hi, I'm looking for Aaron Davis... No, he didn't win anything...

No no no, he is younger than that...

Does he have a son named Aaron?

No! Yeah! Let me talk to your wife

Hi, hello I'm looking for an Aaron Davis

What? The Davis Boy, yeah that sounds like him

No, he's not in anymore trouble... What kind of trouble?

I'm sorry... I'm not trying to pry

Ferron Davis can you spell that?

On Stone Creek... really...Thank you so much

Buck Owens... really... they still run that? OK, well you get back to it now

OK, thank you

Hello? I'm sorry, brother Davis is down at the Stake Center

Oh, I'm sorry... Aaron? May I ask why you are trying to reach Aaron?

Los Ang... are you one of the Elders in Los Angeles?

No...you know what, my son has no desire to speak to you

and I hope you could have the decency not to call here again.

Is Dad missing dinner again?

Oh it's nothing but he sure is late over at the Stake Center...

there is no point in this getting cold

If you are just gonna play with it...

I don't know why I bother anymore

Julie! get out here... I found him

You talked to him? No, his mother hung up on me

Um... bitch!

No, but if he really did not want to talk to me then she really would not

have had a problem putting him on the phone, right?

And next time he will probably pick up

Damn girl I didn't know getting hung up on makes me feel so good

Good! Then we're going out because you have been a contrary mary way too long

Did something fall again?

Yeah, just a little dropsy... you go on

Mum?

Mum... What Aaron

What?

It's nothing I just wanted to see if you bring yourself to look at me

I'm looking at you... what am I suppose to be seeing

Nothing

His name was Christian, wasn't it

What?

Is Christian the one?

What did he do to you!

He loved me

Don't say that! Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?

How repulsive that is to God to everyone?

Two men? Men don't love Aary... women bring love to a relationship.

But Ma he told me he loved me... He would have told you anything

He flattered and beguiled you... tools of the devil that's what they do

You don't know that Yes I do

You don't know that I do... you know why? Because when you didn't arrive home...

I called your mission president You checked up on me huh?

I was worried sick about you.. and you know what he said?

Your missionary companion told him that that Christian person...

you were nothing more than a bet he made

That's not true... Yes it is true.. he won your soul for a lousy 50 dollars

That's all you were worth to him and you know what?

He's probably forgotten all about you and now he's moving on to his next fornication

Mum he wouldn't.. It meant nothing to him, he was using you and that is why...

you can never think about him again, ever... ever again

You got... you have got to put this thing behind you

this horrible mistake that everybody knows about...

You've seen how they look at us

You've seen how people just turn their carts around

when we walk down the isle in the market...

and how they look away at the bank

Why do you think your father doesn't come home anymore?

What if it is not something I've done... what if it's who I am?

Don't say that. Don't you ever even think that!

You can be forgiven...maybe heavenly Father can forgive

you for what you've done but who you are...

He could never forgive something like that.

You know... I think I am going to heat up

that casserole with the cream and mushroom soup

Where are you going?

I left some stuff down the church... Now? We just got back!

Our son... we've just come back from... As good a time as any

Hello? Mrs Davis.. listen, I know you don't want me to speak with your son

My son? Let me tell you something you son of a bitch

Thanks to you my son took a razor to his wrists

Thanks to you I have lost my son

And I hope you burn, I hope you burn for ever!

Chris?

Sit down

Drink that

Toss it

That way it's medicinal

Good it's vital for a man to have a couple of

slugs in him before discussing heart ache

I think Hemingway told me that... You knew Ernest Hemingway?

Margot actually

But beauties don't always escape tragedy

Oh God, this is hell...

I've done something

I'm guilty...

and I'll burn for it

Funny thing about guilt... there is nothing so bad that

you can't add a little guilt to it and make it worse

and there is nothing so good you can't add a little guilt to it and make it better

Guilt distracts us from a greater truth... we have an inherent ability to heal

We seem intent on living through even the worst heartbreak

How?

Practice

3 am... you slut

I worked through in the studio... I can't seem to come up with a song for the single

You? Couldn't sleep

So what... you sit here in the dark?

Hey. Let's just say fuck the no-carbs thing

let's go to Dupar's and eat pancakes till we choke huh?

Yeah... I think I'm just going to go back to bed

Tuesday, 3 am, once again I can't sleep

It's like I am waiting for time to fix some part of me that keeps on breaking

I've already thrown out the newspaper and washed the left over dishes

nothing to do but sit here and think

As a citizen and voter in the city of Los Angeles it is up to you to decide

if you will allow...

Where are you going with my goddamn flowers

But they are... We don't throw anything out that is not completely dead

Deal?

And another thing... you've got to quit coming over here

and moping around, you're fucking depressing me

I am depressing you?

That's what I'm saying... If we've reached the

point where you're dragging my day well then...

we've got a problem... seriously

you got to do something... it's time to make a move

Find a way to get past this

Are you being the Oracle right now?

Nah... I'm just being a friend

Hello may I help you? Are you Aaron Davis' mother?

I am sister Davis yes

I knew your son, in Los Angeles

Ah you must be one of the elders from there you have that look

No, my name is Christian

He lost his watch

I wanted you to know how sorry I am

It kills me to think that I could have caused him any pain

Wait!

Could be worse... could be raining

Oh yeah... it is raining

Only in LA it does rain when the news has operation storm on

Don't suppose there is bills of mine in that mail?

Oh my God...it's a copy of my video..

What?

Get outta here... it's about damn time

Been waiting to see this

Come on girl it's been so top secret plug it in, let's go

OK, I don't want you to snap to some judgement...

Why... It's some kind of like nasty-ass-Christina Aguilera's-

can't-go-wrong-with kind of video?

No, it's just...

Tuesday, 3 am

once again I'm wide awake

waiting for time to mend this part of me

that keeps on breaking

newspapers I threw away

washed the dishes in the sink

What the fuck...

That's from my journal what the fuck is that stuff from my journal doing in here

You were the one always telling me to write songs about you... I was gonna tell you...

or ask you or whatever... You knew I would tell you to go fuck yourself..

so you what? You'd steal my most private personal hell

I've been trying to get past and you turn around

and throw it back in my face is that it?

I just thought that something good could come out of this

Oh for you maybe...

Jesus Chris... I did want to tell you

Look... I don't want to tell you like this... but the record label they...

want me to move to New York for a while

cause... all the hot producers work in the clubs there

Have a nice trip

Help you?

I was looking for Christian... Yeah um... no Chris is um....

Want me to give him a message or anything?

I heard you didn't get the part

I hate to admit it but I'm gonna miss you when you go back to New York

Who said anything about leaving

Come on, you hate LA

Look if you tell anybody that I said this I will ripp your lips off

I was miserable in New York

At least in LA you can be miserable while you get a tan

My dear boy

I was hoping this was still good

Of course it's still good

I didn't have any place else to go

Welcome

Give my young friend whatever he wants

What will it be... Just a coke, thank you

Nothing stronger?

You look like you could use it

If you don't mind me saying you look like um... hell?

Why?

I didn't come to unload on you

Well, you gave me that privilege once let me return the favour

After we met I was sent home and excommunicated

for being gay

Your church doesn't like alcohol or homosexuals

Well, I am definitely not joining

Can't imagine heaven without both

Sorry, go on

That led me to a brief but disastrous affair with a sharp object

After the hospital stitched me up

my parents put me in this place

this facility where they were supposed to change me

and fix me

this one night I was on restriction

and I was cleaning this floor with a toothbrush

that's when I heard it

this voice

it was like an angel

It was just the TV

It was the strangest coincidence

I don't believe in coincidence

these days I believe in miracles

Maybe

Because the girl who was singing

she is only almost famous you wouldn't know her

but I did

And I know people feel this way about certain songs

but I felt like she was singing right to me

This is my young friend

We've met

I went by your place... I sublet it...

Is this, this isn't...

He's a great tipper

Darlings the food is not gonna get warmer sitting on the counter

Hot stuff coming through!

A toast

An affirmation

A prayer of thanks

I want you to know that wherever we find ourselves in this world

Whatever our successes or failures

Come this time of year you will always have a place at my table...

and a place in my heart

Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots

but

more and more these days

I feel like we're all connected

and it's beautiful

and funny

and good.