Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Timmy Lee. It is My first day of cleaning windows.

Ever thought about window cleaners ?

They spend their days looking into hundreds of little boxes,

many of which have got people in. sorts of people.

That's me ! What about that physique, eh ?

A bit Steve McQueen, isn't it ?

No wonder the birds go crazy for me.

Favourite gear a white nylon T-shirt.

Because when you wet it, you can press it up against the window.

And then give them a little smile.

Well, nice for the old ones. Makes all sort of Remembrance Day.

Still, you can't expect to go potty on your first day, can you ?

Cor, cop a load of that, eh ? What a knocker factory !

She's obviously a pushover for my brand of animal magnetism.

Piss off !

Whoops ! Lost my balance.

And my bucket.

Some of the things you see are quite an education.

I mean, just look at that shower ! But may, they're big for their age.

They're also Mg for my age.

But all this was nothing to what I saw in a shop down the high street.

It all started with a little bit of window undressing.

I 'vo heard of your work gelling on lop of you, but not you gelling on lop of your work !

What a diabolical way to start a new career.

Flat on me back, staring up blokes' trouser legs.

And along comes this bird. If it hadn't been for her, I might have jacked it in right away.

Because she awoke in me deep-rooted feelings of sensilivily and delicacy

I never knew ! had. Never knew I could say.

In fact, one look at Elizabeth and I fell like a pal ! of lead knickers.

She was the type of girl you say, "Please, may I ? before you give her one.

A card, I mean.

Because Sid did promise me a piece of the action with any new customers. Cori

Wouldn't have minded a place of her action.

What are you trying to do, ruin me ?

One broken window, one bucketed traffic warden

threatening to sue, and now you tell me you lost your squeegee.

I must've dropped it under the crowd. And that’s another thing.

I pay you to clean windows.

If you wanna lie on the floor and look up skirts, you do it in your own time, right ?

But I told you, it was shock. They were having it off in the window.

So ? Have you got a sax hang-up or something ?

Ho, but I thought she had three legs.

Look, Timmy boy, in our business you've got to be Immune from shocks,

especially from birds, three-legged or one-legged.

As long as they are satisfied customers ...

they bring in new ones.

Hey, I met a real knockout this morning.

Fabulous face, fantastic body, legs right up to her armpits.

- What about her windows ? - Windows ?

Oh, I gave her a card.

It’s no good just chatting up dolly birds.

You've gotta grease the old hags too.

It’s not all Raquel Welch pulling you onto her dumplings, you know.

Christ, what also did you do ?

Hello. As we were passing, I just thought I'd stop and see If you were all right.

These falls can sometimes have delayed affects.

Oh, yes. I mean, no !

Thank you, I'm all right.

Fina. Well, I have to get back on patrol now. Good night.

What's all that, then ? It was her.

Who ? The bird, I told you.

Have you gone stark raving bonkers, trying to chat up female fuzz ?

I didn't know who she was. But I don't care, Sid. Oh, Isn't she a knockout ?

Oh, yeah, you picked the right word, boy.

What I wouldn't do for her.

Well, I'm more worried about what you wouldn't do for my customers.

What do you mean, eh ?

I mean, I've got to he sure, If some bird offers to squeeze out your chamole,

you don't go retracting your ladder !

Christ, anyone would think I was a bloody virgin

I do. And so does Rosie.

What does she know, eh ?

Sisters always know.

I don't know what you're on about. Responsibilities, that’s what.

You taking over some of mina.

I mean, with Roeie pregnant, I feel it’s only proper I should cut it out for a while.

Window cleaning ?

Not cleaning, you hark !

Servicing, keeping the customers happy.

Oh. Anything I can do, Sid ?

Yeah, well, that’s what worry me. Can you do ?

Oh, come off it, Sidi

Never mind 'Come off it.' Have you ever been on it ?

Of course I have !

Yeah ? I don't reckon you could dip your tassel in a fire bucket without instructions.

Vary funny, Sid.

All right, Timmo. After dinner, you and me are going out.

What for ?

To get a professional opinion.

Mind you, I didn't like it to admit it, but Sid was right.

My sex wife held as much sensation as a concrete contraceptive.

In fact, I could describe myself as the walking answer to contraception.

I don't do It !

With me, it’s more a can of good kiss, good fool and good night.

Now I will say ! Sid.

I mean, he really deserved the Queen's Award for Industry.

Oh, God. I don't know why your old man works in the lost property off too.

Might just as well move the whole lot here !

Dad's working on it.

I wouldn't mind If he nicked something worthwhile.

- That you, boys ? - Yes, Mum.

- How did it all go, dear ? - Oh, fina, Mum.

You could say it was a great day in the history of British window cleaning.

Oh, that’s nice. Rosie could hardly wait for you to get hack.

Oh, that’s nice too.

Yeah, she's been dreaming about that chocolate fudge all day.

Oh, Sidney, you didn't forget it ?

She told you she'd got a craving for chocolate fudge.

Yeah, well, I know. I'm sorry. I forgot.

Sidney ! Hera, love !

Eh ! And how's little earth mother tonight, eh ?

I'm starving. He forgot it.

You didn't.

Sorry, love, it slipped me mind. I'll go after dinner. The nawngant stocks it.

One little thing. I ask you to do one little thing

I'm sorry, Rosie, love. It’s not the end of the world. I'll go now.

I don't want it now !

All right, I won't go And got it now !

Rosie, all I want to do is make you happy.

Than pie off. Rosie

Yes, uh ... Well, I think I'll have a wash before the thieving magpie gets home.

Timmy, I won't have you talking Like that.

Your father never takes anything that anyone wants.

Not even us.

It’s time I forked the potatoes.

Rosie, love, I said I was sorry, but with Timmy and everything, I had a lot on my mind today.

Oh, I'll but And not only on your mind.

Don't he Like that.

My friends get around too, you know.

They saw a lot of your ladder, but not so much of you.

Rosie, sometimes I've got to he sociable.

You don't think I Like drinking all them cups of tea, do you ?

It's part of holding up the business, Rosie.

I'm doing it all for you, love.

Oh, all right. I'll forgive you.

That's a girl.

But watch it, because, Sidney Noggett,

one extramarital and I'll cut it off.

Don't answer it.

They've probably come about the tally.

Isn't it working ?

Dad won't pay the instalments. He can't got colour.

I keep telling him It's a black-and-white set !

It is Dad.

So, what's the matter with his key ?

He’s got his arms full.

Oh, God. More colourful crap.

Hera !

Harpoon it yourself, did you ?

Ha, bloody ha.

Oh, God.

It was left on the Pullman Express. Look nice over the fire, won't it ?

Look better on it. Who asked for your opinion ?

Now, don't you two start.

Hang on ! I've got some rights here ! As a regular rant-payer"

Rent ? It don't even pay our window cleaner.

Give over, Dad. Sid’s told you why he doesn't do our windows.

Right. It’s had to bring your work home. It only causes trouble.

You can't clean your own, Like a psychiatrist never treats his own family

I don't interfere in your business,

so don't try to tell me what to do with my moon.

Oh, come on, Dad. I was only kidding.

I think he’s great. Do you ?

Sure. We'll call him Clearance.

Clearance ?

Good evening, Clearance. What do you think of Dad ?

- 'I think he’s a stupid old git.' You think - he’s a stupid old git ? That's funny ...

Well, I still think you're nothing but a no-good spongar.

Now, Your dad didn't mean it. Say you're sorry, Dad.

All right. I'm sorry.

He eh ! he’s sorry, Rush.

It’s not him

- Well, I told I was sorry. - It’s not you !

Well, what is it, dear ?

That bloody thing is leering at me !

Don't do that ! You'll break his antlers !

Yes, but what's this 'professional opinion' bit ?

You're not taking me to the doctor, are you ?

Lil's not a doctor, but she's certainly a specialist.

Who's Lil ?

My vary obliging second-removed cousin, Lily Lamour.

The biggest sensation since natural gas.

I can't get it on right.

What's it like tonight ?

Four men and a dog. Ouch !

Hope nobody’s decent ! Evening, pussycats

Hello, darling. How are you ?

Good show tonight, girls. Hello, love, how are you ? Hi, Lil.

And to what do we owe this royal visit ?

I need help, Lil.

What ? Have you worn it out ?

No, not me.

This is for the family. I'd Like you to meet my brother-in-law Timmy.

Please, Sid ...

HI, Timmy. HI.

Baby dolls, please. Baby dolls.

So, what's the problem ?

Well, there's been a slight gap in Timmy’s education.

Yes, but I don't want to fill it here.

You're not hunt, are you ?

Of course I'm not bent.

Between you and me, he’s still got a blue how tied to it !

Ha, ha, now ? Please, Sid ...

Well, drink up and talk Lil all about it.

Oh, Lil, Lil. You're a doll.

And you're a bastard.

Sid, where are you going ? Sid, where are you going ?

To get some chocolate fudge.

Relax, Timmy. I won't bite. Relax !

I can't. They'll be back in a minute.

Not as long as that music's playing.

Ooh ! is my hand cold ?

Uh, no, it was just that you ... Aahi

Well, hello.

You've left me.

Oh, I'm ... I'm sorry.

You got overexcited.

Yes, yes, that’s what it was, yes.

We're not doing too well, are we ?

No.

Would it help If I wore the lion tamer’s gear ?

No. I don't know what's come over me.

Well, it Isn't me.

Now, that’s better.

Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh !

Ohh ... I

Oh, that was terrific. That was absolutely terrific.

I'm glad, Timmy. But there's something you ought to know.

Yes ?

I mean, I don't want you to go through life with a fetish.

What do you mean ?

You've just had my suspender beit.

[MI]

Another night of mad, passionate failure.

Eh that and the fetish bit.

I mean, Imagine having to say to a bird, "Sorry, love,

I can only get it together If you wear gum boots and a gas mask.

And also, would you mind terribly If I had a feather up me ass ?

I never thought of myself as being unnatural. Bloody unlucky, yes, but not unnatural.

"Timothy gets terribly confused when it comes to sex."

Here’s a list of today's jobs. I'm starting you off with another chance.

Not with Lil ?

Huh ! You won't be saing Lil again, not If she knows you first.

Mrs. Jacqueline Brown. Oh, 47 Lyndhurst.

Right, Bluabaard. She's a bit of a nympho.

And If you fall there, you may as well buy a bacon slicer and join the Vienna Boys' Choir.

Come on, son, get it off. Here, come on.

Sid. Morning, Jacqul.

You're early.

Sorry, love. Had to rearrange the schedule.

At least you'll get done before the rain.

Oh, I'm breaking in some new help.

Since when did you need help ?

Well, you know how things are. You gotta expand.

And is this the expansion ?

Yeah. My new mate Timmy. Nice to meet you, Timmy.

Me too. He hasn't had much experience yet.

But I'm sort of letting him feel his way around

with a few understanding customers.

You were always thoughtful, Sid.

Yeah. Well, I'll leave him to get on with it, then.

Won't I be saing you again ?

Oh, sure. I'll be in and out, now and then.

Good job, now, Timmo.

- Right ? - Right.

You won't be needing that inside. The rooms are quite small.

Oh, yes, of course. Sorry, madam.

Oh, it’s so humid today. Aren't you hot ?

You, you are. You're sweating.

Yes, I am a bit, yes.

How about a cold drink ? Some tea or coffee ?

Oh, I'm easy.

I wouldn't have thought so.

Uh ... Well, a Coke would he fine, yes.

One Coke coming up.

Yes, well, I think I'd better get started.

What's the rush ?

Are you aiming to be the fastest window cleaner in the West ?

No. I just thought ...

Look, just sit down and have your drink first.

Oh, right.

I hope you're not in such a hurry about everything.

I won't join you. I have to watch my figure.

You must have plenty of company.

Oh, I see you're another Sid.

Oh, no, not quite.

- Are you married ? - Oh, you're joking.

You ?

He’s abroad with the services.

Oh, what's be in ?

Anything that moves.

No, I'm being unkind. He’s in the navy, so you can't blame him.

Or us.

Oh, God, quick, the window ! There's one over the sink.

Right.

Don't worry, we'll soon clear up ... Oh !

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've made a man.

Already ?

No, you ass, I've upset the ... Oh !

Well, Jacqui had certainly taught me how to come clean.

Now I know what they mean by the ultimate detergent.

Talk about soft hands and forever blowing bubbles !

Taught me something else too : it's just like learning to ride a bike.

Once you find you can stay up, there's no problem.

In fact, right there and then, I could fire won the “Tour do France”, ladder and all.

- Hello. - Oh, hi.

Hard at it ? Yeah, on and off, yes.

You better pull over. Oh, right.

Sorry, mate.

Oh, God.

What the bloody hall do you think you're doing ?

Complete accident, sir.

Well, I shall want your name and address.

Fair enough, yes.

Uh, I clean them too.

Please, you must move out of the road.

Oh, right.

Are you all right, sir ? No thanks to him.

Sorry about that.

I'm afraid I shall have to take a law particulars.

Fabulous. Name ?

Timmy. Timmy what ?

Lea. And yours ?

I mean, I can't go through life calling you WPC 49, can I ?

Radlatt. Elizabeth Radlatt. Address ?

Scruggs Lana, 63.

Uh ... will you come to the movies tonight ?

Are you trying to bribe me ?

Yes.

Then I accept.

Yahoo !

What a day !

With this kind of luck, I could even sell return tickets to kamikaze pilots.

I could hardly wait for my next client, Miss Prendergast.

A new customer, so Sid said to take it easy.

- Now ? - Now.

Oh, thank you. It's the mattress that makes it so heavy.

Be even heavier If we were on it.

Now I can finish my housework before I go out.

I'm afraid my daily’s gone off with a hernia.

Ah, well, my auntie want off with a Lithuanian.

Oh, no. I've dropped my leather.

Do you know who you remind me of ? Humphrey Bogart.

Oh, you're taking the mickey.

No, it’s your body.

You haven't seen my body.

I mean the way you walk.

You mean the way he held Lauren Bacall in to Have and to Have Not ?

'If you want anything, whistle.'

You can fill your bucket in there.

Yes, ma'am.

You a movie fan, then ? I see all the old stuff on the tally.

Well, I go as much as possible when I'm not teaching.

Get away. What do you teach ?

Biology

Ooh ! Wish I was in your class.

You don't have to be gallant. I wouldn't say it unless I meant it.

In fact, you remind me a bit of Marilyn Monroe.

In these glasses ? Now you're taking the mickey.

Ho, really. In that film where she was short-sighted.

How to Marry a Millionaire. Yeah.

I find you very attractive, Miss Prandargast,

and I wanna kiss you. Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate.

It was Mrs. Robinson.

So ?

I don't know how to put this. I mean, I'm rather shy and I hardly know you.

Don't worry, love, I'm way ahead of you.

Would you know If you can fix the flush in the bathroom ?

The flush ?

I'd hate you to think I was taking advantage,

but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

- Oh ... Yeah. - Thank you.

I'll have go.

Meanwhile, If you don't mind, I'll go and get ready.

Well, this was a puzzler and no mistake.

Get ready for what ?

I'd feel such a bark bursting in Markers,

only to find her dressed to go shopping.

I was getting confused again.

Birds unfunny things, you know.

One minute they give you the "No, no, you mustn't" bit. Then suddenly it's "Yes, you must, you randy bugger. "

Should be all right now. I, uh ...

Uh ... Had to adjust the ballcock.

I wish I was clever with my hands.

But you could be If you tried.

No, no, you mustn't. It’s wicked.

Oh, that’s not what Lauren Bacall said.

I want to kiss these beautiful breasts.

That's Clark Gable in Rod Dust. He never need that.

Because Jean Harlow’s weren't as beautiful as yours.

You can't stay long, you know. Her father comes home for lunch.

Then the quicker we reach the Alamo, the better !

John Wayne.

True Grit.

He’s getting naughty now.

Naughty and Impatient.

What's ? Oh !

Scissors. Scissors. Have you got any scissors ?

It’s all right. I've done it.

Oh, good.

Right, let’s take it off.

No, she doesn't want to. She's shy.

Under here. It’s Nicer. Oh. Right.

No, no, he’s got to say hello to her first.

Oh.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, yes, oh, she Likes that.

Is he enjoying it too ?

Mmm. Talk to her. Talk to her.

He need he can't Wait any longer.

Carola ?

You upstairs ?

Just finishing the carpet. Be right with you.

I'll come and help.

Where are my knickers ?

Sod your knickers. Stop him coming up.

My leather ?

Hello. They let me off early. Oh.

- Morning. - Morning.

Well, that’s it, then. Don't worry about the payment. We'll and an account.

Thank you.

Extraordinary way to clean windows.

Oh, he'll come hack and do the rut later.

No, I mean he was cleaning them with knickers.

Knickers ?

How's that ?

Bloody marvellous.

Bloody horrible. I just hope it doesn't affect the baby, that's all.

Evening, all.

There ! I didn't forget this time, did I ?

Oh, you are good to me. But I need pineapple.

Pineapple ?

Never mind. It’s the thought that counts.

Rosie, you distinctly said ...

It's not in the centre. Yes, it is.

Oh, God.

You know what you can do, don't you ?

Sid, can I ask a favour ?

It depends. Here, how did it go today ?

Oh, you would have been proud of me, Sid.

- Can I borrow the minivan tonight ? - What for ?

- I've got a very special date. - Not with one of my customers ?

Of course not.

Because that would be highly unethical.

Are window cleaners struck off ?

You ass, she's off duty tonight and ...

Hang on. Off duty ? You mean Fanny the Fuzz ?

Her name is Elizabeth.

I don't care if it’s Sherlock Holmes.

You can't bring her back here.

- Why not ? She's a nice girl. - Nice girl ?! She's a copper !

Thus do I see why I can't bring her back.

Because most of this let's probably on her list, that’s why.

Now what are we fighting about ?

Timmy’s got himself involved with the law.

- Timmy, what have you done ? - Nothing, Mum.

Just because I've got a date with a girl that happens to be a policewoman.

Policewoman ? Oh ...

She's a smashing bird, Mum. Intelligent, well-spoken.

Oh, yeah. She's passed all her cross-examinations.

You can all relax, because I'm not bringing her back.

Oh, I think that’s wise, dear. We don't want to refurnish.

Oh, and I won't be in for grub. All right.

Take your bucket, then. It shouldn't be in here.

Hello, what's this ?

Well, from memory, I'd say they were a pair of knickers.

- They're for his collection. - Collection ?

Didn't you know your son's the demon knicker nicker of Scruggs Lane ?

Why don't you halt up.

It’s not true. Timmy ?

Of course it’s not. He’s having you on.

All right, it' you're all so Interested, uh ... I bought them.

You bought knickers ?

He’s dead kinky too.

Disgusting. Go on.

Drop your trousers. Show them what you're wearing.

I bought them for a girlfriend.

Is it a crime to he found with a pair of knickers ?

Not If you're a window cleaner.

And what is that supposed to mean ?

Well, If the cap fits ...

Quick, ambulance ! It's coming !

Wind.

Oh, sorry, I was trying to look for the, um ...

Oh ! Timmyl

Sorry, just dropped a bit of popcorn.

You won't find it up there.

Behave yourself.

I'm gonna have to put you in handcuffs.

I don't know. You can't win, can you ?

You make s pass, it's wrong. You don't make s pass, you've insulted them.

Who’s him ?

You wouldn't Like to think I didn't fancy you, would you ?

No, I'm glad you do. It’s just that there's a proper time and a proper place.

Yeah, but what happens when you've got the time but can't afford the place ?

Oh, Timmy.

It’s not a question of money. It’s just getting to know each other.

That's what I was trying to do.

You're sweet. But you're impossible.

That's what Sid says. Impossible, I mean.

And you're too good for that sort of job.

What's wrong with cleaning windows ?

Nothing, but you should be doing something a little more ...

A little more rewarding.

Such as ?

Well, you'd, uh, make a good policeman.

It' you thought about it seriously.

What's so funny ?

The family. If I told them I was gonna be a copper, they'd go berserk !

What's wrong with being a copper ?

Nothing. It’s all right for some, I suppose.

If you're the officious type.

Oh, well, thanks a lot.

Oh, I didn't ... I didn't mean you.

I think it’s time I want home now, anyway.

Liz, Liz

You don't have to drive me. I can get a cab.

Of course I'll drive you.

Liz, Liz

Excuse me, sir. £1, please.

Oh, yes. Liz, Wait a minute

Excuse me, sir. Pick it up, please.

Without service.

Thank you.

I've enjoyed it, Timmy. Really, I have.

Trust me to put my big flat foot in it.

Oh, I didn't mean your kind ...

I know what you meant.

Like to come in for a good-nighter ?

Would I ? Oh, yes !

How many of you live here ? Just me and my parents.

Early-to-bedders, eh ?

No, they're out at one of Daddy's dinners.

What does your, uh, dad do, then ?

He’s an Inspector.

- Income tax ? - Police.

He’s not that frightening.

Well, won't he mind me being here, then ?

Why should be ? Any more than your parents would object to me.

So you see, Timmy, If ever you did decide to change jobs, I might be able to help.

Timmy, I'm talking to you.

Liz.

Handcuffs.

I'm extremely glad to be hack. Oh, it wasn't so bad, dear.

It’s all right. Don't panic.

- Are you in, Elizabeth ? - Yes, Mummy.

Oh, I didn't know you had company.

Mummy, this is Timmy.

Oh, how nice. Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Radlett.

How long has that van been outside ?

Oh, it’s mine, sir.

- Oh, is it ? - Yes, sir.

Well, the tyres are worn. It really shouldn't be on the road at all.

I'm sorry, sir.

- Have you been in a fight ? - No, sir.

Why’s your mouth bleeding ?

How was the dinner, Daddy ?

Absolutely dreadful.

The chief constable has got verbal diarrhoea. I need a brandy.

How about Mr ... ?

No, thanks. I have to be going.

Timmy just dropped me home from the movies.

How Nice.

I take it you're conversant with the tyre test.

Tyre test ?

Yes. You, uh, put a coin in the tread.

And if it falls out, the tyre’s illegal.

Oh, I'll do that, sir.

Good. And I should put some Dettol on your mouth If I were you.

Oh, yes, I'll do that too, sir. Good night, ma'am.

Oh, yes, well, good night.

So Nice.

- He's lying, of course. - Lying ?

Oh, yes.

You can't got all that blood round your mouth unless you've been in a fight.

It wasn't blood, John. It was lipstick.

Lipstick ? Oh, Christ, is he one of those ?

I take it you're also conversant with the cost of four bloody tyros.

Only you could screw your way into a fuzz nut !

How was I to know about her old man ?

You better pull your finger out and get some new clients to pay for this lot !

And I don't mean Scotland Yard, the Old Bailey or Hi5 !

What Sid didn't know was the only thing I'd screwed out of Elizabeth was another date.

As for the job, welt, it was a relief to find that some people only expected the window cleaner to clean windows.

Although there was never a dull moment,

and mostly it was a good, healthy outdoor life

there were times I fell the job was gelling on top of me.

One marshmallow for you, for being a good boy,

and one for me, for being a good customer.

What's the matter ?

Nothing. Circulation will come back.

But I have been a good customer, though, haven't I, Tim ?

I mean, who also gives you a two-year contract ?

No one. Well, then, act grateful.

I did. That was 10 minute ago !

Oh ! Wait, I've got to finish this first.

Oh, excuses, excuses.

- You sound like my late husband. - Didn't know he was dead.

Well, he is. From the waist down.

Wait, Wait. He won't suddenly hurty in, will he ?

Oh, not until the batting shop closes.

Then all he'll want is more money, the bastard.

Not there ! Brenda ?

Go away ! I'm resting.

It’s Important, Brenda !

Not there ! The rug.

The rug ?

Look, you're wasting your time. I don't have any money.

Oh, with you looking like that, Brenda, who needs money ?

Oh, you ? And what do you think you're going to do ?

You, Brenda, you.

Well, you've got another think coming. And get off me marshmallows.

Oh, now, Brenda, you know how I feel about you.

Oh, yes, with your clammy hands.

Look, I'm warning you ! Oh, come on, Bran.

Right ! You asked for this.

How would you like to meet my husband ?

Well ... What ...

All right. You can come out now.

Come out ?

He hasn't gone for a gun, has he ?

Brenda, for God's sake !

You thought that he was my husband !

What ? And he thought that you were.

- You mean he wasn't your husband ? - He was the landlord.

That's the way he likes his rant.

You wicked cowl

Sid had warned me about the next call, Villiers House.

"Hygiene-mad, he said." Wipe your feet, newspapers on the carpet.

And you even have to wash your hands before you touch the soap !

In fact, Sid said, "Better be safe. Don't touch anything, and certainly not Mrs. Villiers.

Because her old man owned this block of flats we serviced.

Hello. Uh, window cleaner.

Please ? Uh, windows.

Ah, Mrs. Villiers instruct me to let you do it.

Did she, now ?

You start up or down, please ? Oh, that’s up to Mrs. Villiers.

Oh, is no matter. She isn't home.

Oh. Well, I think I'd like to start at the top and work my way down.

Top. Okay.

Cor !

This is top. No shoes here.

You're kidding. No. It is so there is no dirt for feet.

And Mrs. Villiers say to use newspapers.

She sounds like a right king to me.

Here, what about that mirror ?

Ah. Mrs. Villiers likes to see everything.

Oh, you mean it’s a two-way ? Please ?

A two-way mirror. You know, one way you look in, the other way you look out ?

Oh, I am sorry. My english.

Ah. Well, say you and me were having it ...

Better not say that.

Suppose you was Mug and ...

I'll start the windows.

Okay. Eh ... A moment.

- Is good ? - Oh, vary good.

Good. Also, she say to cover hooks.

I should've worn gloves for this job.

Mrs. Villiers like everything very clean.

Hey, she is kinky. Look at this. Body Discipline.

It’s whips and things, Isn't it ?

No, is yoga. She is big yoga-doer.

Naked Yoga. Naked yoga !

Is better with free body.

You mean you do this ? Of course.

'The toe-hold lotus posture.' She must be on hinges to do that.

After practice, is not difficult. You sit, I show.

Oh, sit.

you do so.

So. Come.

Me ?

Now so.

And so.

You try again.

Try again ? I can't move.

I got rigor mortise.

That's because you are not yet circulating.

Look, I think I should go and circulate these windows.

Ah, but first, we must uncramp you.

Mrs. Villiers wlll not Like If you fall off ladder.

Yeah, well, the Idea doesn't grab me much either.

So ...

This is for circulating your head.

You're having me on !

Even you can't do that.

Without clothes, of course. Oh !

So is good. is releasing all tension.

You speak for yourself.

Makes blood to the head. It’s the beet cure. Come on.

Watch it ! I had a little bit of zip trouble yesterday.

Okay. You do it.

Right. Don't blame me If this gets bigger than both of us.

Maybe this is euler for you.

Uh, couldn't we just lie on the bed and meditate ?

The bed ! is good idea.

Like so. And I hold your legs up. Oh, come. You're spoilt by clothes.

Yes, well, I'd rather be spoilt than do myself an injury.

Right.

Hope I'm not sick on her carpet.

Very quiet. Balance.

Concentrate. I am !

I count three and I let go. One, two ...

How dare you ?

OW ! Oh ...

- Um, I was just ... - Get off my bed at once !

- And you, get out. - Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am, I was ...

She was only relieving my tensions.

- Out ! - Out. Yeah.

- I'll speak to you later, Ingrid. - Yes, madam.

- I forgot me ladder. - I said, get out.

But my ladder ...

You don't get out of this house, I shall call the police.

- Out of this house. - Yes, ma'am.

And put a clean cover on my bed Immediately.

Immediately !

You come back here, no ladder, no bucket, no shoes and socks,

and you tell me It’s because you've got cramp ?

What are you, some sort of congenial idiot or something ?

It was this naked yoga, Sid.

You realise old man Villiers will probably cancel our whole office contract.

I'm sure If you apologised ...

Me ?! Was I standing on my head half-knackars naked ?!

I was wearing my shorts !

I don't care if you was wearing a frog suit

No, I meant apologise for me, Sid.

I mean, when it comes to charm chat, no one’s more experienced than you.

Well, I suppose, if you look at it that way. Right.

I need my bloody head examined. Come on.

Oh, could we stop off and get me some shoes first ?

Oh, no.

What are you standing there for ? Come on !

Ah, Mrs. Villiers.

I've come round here in person to apologise for the inexcusable behavior ...

of my young brothar-in-law here.

Basically, he’s a good boy. Honest, kind to animals.

And his parents. But emotionally, he’s a shade retarded.

However, I feel sure that someone of your warmth,

your intuitive grasp of the situation ...

facing young People today,

will have no difficulty in deciding ...

that this was just a childish escapade.

- Have you finished, Mr. Noggett ? - I have indeed, Mrs. Villiers.

And what have you got to say ?

Oh, I agree.

Oh, I mean, I'll do anything to make up for it.

Then the incident is closed. And you may proceed with the windows.

- Thank you, Mr. Noggett. - Thank you, Mrs. Villiers.

Leave these things out there. You can come In and fix up a light bulb for me first.

A light bulb ? Oh, yes, of course.

And wipe your feat. Then come into the house.

There's a broken one down in the cellar.

Right.

Oh, it’s the coal cellar.

The light’s up there on the left-hand wall.

Ah. I need something to stand on.

Must say, I never thought of you in a coal cellar.

And how did you think of me ?

Well, you like everything so clean, don't you ?

Oh, ta.

You have a firm young body.

Oh, no. The ... The top’s come off. Look.

Oh, I'm ... I'm sorry. It sort of came off in my hand.

You're just a dirty little boy, aren't you ?

Don't worry. It’s only coal.

Look. Here. Let me put it on for you.

Stay where you are. You're filthy.

Oh, it'll seems off ?

You're not going to walk through my house Like that.

Oh, of course not. I'll take my shoes off.

- You'll take your clothes off. - Pardon ?

Every stitch. Off.

Then we'll give you a bath.

Oh, now, Wait a minute. All I need is a tap.

There must be one In the garden.

I hope you're not going to cause more trouble.

No, of course not.

All I'm saying is, if we put newspapers on the carpet ...

Ara you refusing to take a bath ?

Yes ! I ... No.

I'll take one when I get home.

Very well. If you're going to behave Like a child ...

We'll just have to treat you Like one.

Eh ... What are you doing ? I'm undressing you.

No, you're not. Get off !

I bring thee presents from the mystical shores of a distant land.

Are you smashed again ? Oh, Rosie

That's not nice, when he’s remembered your pineapple.

Thanks, Mum. Timmy back yet ?

He’s up having a bath. Give you a kiss, then.

That's better, eh ? Come on.

Mmm, you small good. What is it ?

'From the mystical shores of a distant land.'

- What's all this, then ? - All what ?

The gear. We’re going to a party or something ?

Ho, it's just Nice to dress up now and then.

Wait a minute.

- What day is it ? - Wednesday. Why ?

- He’s been, then, has he ? - Who, dear ?

The window cleaner, that's who ! So that's why you're all puffed up, is it ?

I don't know what you're on about.

There's nothing wrong with window cleaners. You keep telling me.

All rightl All right. But I know that randy bastard that does this street !

Really, Sidney. If you're inferring ...

Oh. That'll be Dad with another armful.

It’s not Dad. It’s the law. Oh, my God. Now what ?

Ho, relax. It's only Timmy’s bluebird.

Hello. Uh, sorry you had to Wait.

Sorry to call unannounced. is Timmy in ?

He’s having a bath.

I can't ask you in. The place has just been fumigated.

- Fumigatad ? - Yeah. Had a plague of flying ants.

Oh, how awful. Can I Give him a message ?

We had a data tonight, but as you can know, I had to go on duty.

Okay, I'll tell him. I'll know him tomorrow.

Lucky old him.

You don't remember me, do you ? I used to clean your school windows.

As a matter of fact, I do remember, but I didn't think you did.

Well, I didn't till just now. It’s the way you need 'How awful.'

How awful. Oh ... I haven't changed much since school, have I ?

Oh, I don't know. Well, good luck with the flying ants.

- Timmo ? - What ?

- Got a message for you. - A message ?

Christ. You got blackwatar favor or something ?

Have you ever been interfered with in a coal cellar ?

- Interfered with ? - Mrs. Villiers.

I don't think it’s funny.

I'm sorry ...

What's the message ? What's the message ?

Tonight's date’s tomorrow. Your copper knickers is on duty.

Just as well. Give you time to get the coal out your Y-fronts

Liz. Liz

Bloody fool ! Why don't you look whore you're going ?

I'm terribly sorry. I was just ...

Never mind about that. Come out of the way.

I'm glad I found you. I don't think he was.

Sid gave me your message. Tomorrow's fine. Where shall we go ?

- Do you like spaghetti ? - Yeah.

I'll cook you some.

What, at your place ?

The family's dining out in the country.

Oh, Liz !

Timmy I'm on duty.

I don't care, Liz. I just don't care. I've just got to kiss you.

Timmy, control yourself.

Message to all units. Disturbance outside discotheque, 23 King Street.

Repeat, discotheque, 23 King Street. Message ends.

Forty-nine proceeding to King Street.

Spaghetti belegnes at her place. Parents in Cewsville.

Curl What a turn-up.

All next day, I kept thinking of the evening to come.

At least she was showing signs of succumbing to my irresistible magnetism.

I mean, faced with my suave, debonair charm, what chance did she stand ?

Who is it ?

Oh, it’s Noggett’s Window Cleaning. Good morning.

Hello, I'm sorry, it’s me again. Uh, will I need my ladder ?

No.

Oh, ta.

Hello, me again. Could you press the knob for me again ?

No, it’s not Sid. I'm Timmy, his brother-in-law.

Better Identify myself. Can't be too careful his days, can you ?

Uh, where can I get my water ? Oh, right.

Cosy little pad you've got here.

Oh, God ! Sorry about that. I'll get another one.

Uh ... Look me ...

I know it's none of my business, but If there's anything I can do ...

Don't touch me !

Okay. I just thought I might help.

How could you help ?

Well, I don't know what it is, do I ?

Have you ever been In love ?

Is that all ? I thought it was something serious.

Serious ? I've given four years of my life to Ronnie.

I've made a home, cooked, cleaned, scrubbed. And all for what ?

So some bleached hitch ... Of course it’s serious.

I ... I wouldn't get in an uproar, girl. I mean, these things happen.

Ronnie's a bastard.

Yeah, well, it’s probably a touch of the old four-year itch.

He needs shaking up, a hit of his own madicine.

What do you mean ?

Well, Ronnie's made you jealous, right ?

You return the compliment.

Do you really think it would work ?

It’s worth a try. Nothing to lose, have you ?

It’s Ronnie. I'd better get on with the windows.

I'm going to take your advice.

Good for you.

Hey, that’s terrific. It’s a bed.

Get in it.

Pardon ?

I thought you offered to help me.

Ya ... Yes, I did.

Ron won't like it if I'm in bed with you.

It’s your ideal

Oh, God !

Come on, quickly, get undressed !

Yes, yes, all right.

Cor ! Yes.

There we go.

Ooh ! What's the matt ... ? Ow What's the matter ?

We're only simulating.

Oh. Oh, sorry, miss. Sorry.

Elvie

Oh, hello, Ronnie.

Elvie, Elvie. how could you do this to me ? And with a man !

I can explain, madam. Get out ! You male chauvinist pig

Look, I can explain everything !

Uh, hello, Mum ? Look, I've, run into a slight problem.

Do you know where I can find Sid ?

What's he doing in hospital ?

Hello, Smiler.

Hello, Smiler. Listen to him. Hey, how long before he can say Dada ?

We've dacided not to tell him who you are until he’s stronger.

Full of wit today, aren't we, eh ? He’s got my eyes, you know.

As long as it’s only your eyes, he’s all right.

Who's a beautiful little diddums ?

Eh, diddums ?

Oh, sorry.

Hello, Rosie, congratulations. You too, Sid.

Nine pounds, ten ounces. mu !

It’s Nice of you to come, Timmy.

I bought them for you.

Oh, look, Sidney. Weren't they lovely ?

Here, what's the matter with your eye ?

Oh, nothing. Uh, hanged it on a wall.

Give them to the nurse, Sidney. She'll put them in water.

She'll have to put them In splints.

Isn't he great ? Looks just Like Sid.

I hope not. That's not our baby.

Well, back to the old treadmill, love.

Timmo can Wait for a while. Mum's coming in after lunch.

I'll see you later, then. Sober.

Oh, she's full of quips today, eh ?

Hey, and for God's sake, don't let him hold the baby. It’s odds-on, he'll drop him.

Ta-ra, Noggett Junior. Ta-ra. Ta-ra, love.

Isn't he fantastic ?

I mean, I just thought of you as a great big lump.

Oh, charming. No, no ...

Ho, what I meant is that I never thought about the baby being inside.

It’s amazing.

Wait until you have one of your own.

Yeah. I might, mightn't I ?

Oh ! That was fantastic.

More ? Oh, you're joking.

I feel like Rosie did.

Well, so long as it’s only the spaghetti.

We don't want you making medical history.

- Do you know something, Liz ? - What ?

I think you're the most smashing bird I've ever met.

I don't exactly find you repulsive either.

When you're not trying to emulate Sid.

Oh, Sid’s all right once you get to know him.

- I do know him. - What ?

- Met him when I was at school. - You never told me.

I didn't think it was that important.

- Did you ... ? - No, I didn't.

- You fancied him ? - I want out with him once.

He lost, three falls out of three.

You don't know how glad I am, Liz.

- Do you Like television ? - Television ?

There's a great Charlie Snowgardan concert on.

Oh, that’s nice.

Unfortunately, the at down hero's broken. Do you mind going upstairs ?

Upstairs ?

You. My mum and dad have got a at the bottom of thair bed.

Charlie Snow ... Charlie Snowgardan ? That's terrific

Only If you like his music, though.

Love it. Especially when It's upstairs.

- No ! - Why not ?

Because I can't concentrate.

Hello ? Oh, hello, Mummy. No, I was just watching the tally.

Yes ? Oh, poor you.

So that means you'll be staying the night, then ?

Of course. It’s not the first time I've been alone, is it ? Okay.

You too.

Their car's broken down.

That's too bad. Now, Timmy, that doesn't mean ...

Oh, Liz, I want you more than ever.

Oh, I know, Timmy. And it was wrong of me to let you go this far.

But why, Liz ?

Because I don't want to he just another easy lay.

But you're not an easy lay. I mean ...

I don't want to sound old-fashioned, Timmy,

but I have to he able to live with myself.

I want to feel that when I finally get married ...

Well, why don't we.

Timmy, is that a proposal ?

Yes. I suppose it is.

Hey, we're in their bed.

That's all right. We'll make it before they get back.

Yeah. Yeah. We'd better.

Slowly, Timmy. Slowly. It’s not a race.

Oh, right, yes.

What's the matter ?

Um ... Nothing. Nothing.

I thought you wanted me.

I do. I do, I do.

Timmy ?

I'll be all right in a minute. I must wanted you too much.

Don't worry. We've got a lifetime ahead of us.

They're coming back In the morning.

I mean when we're married, silly.

Married ?

To a copper ?

When did this happen ?

A few days ago. I didn't know how you'd all take it.

Never mind how we're gonna take it. How is she gonna take it, living in your attic ?

That’s another thing. we find a flat, her old man says we can stay there.

What, in the police station ?

No, in their house.

To think I'm going to close To my little baby boy.

Oh, turn it up, Mum ! He’s not going to war.

No, but it’s the next but think.

Well, thank you and goodbye, Sidney Noggett.

Oh, come on. I was only kidding. It's a good idea. Give him a sense of responsibility.

I think every man should have a wife.

Preferably his own.

Is it going to be a church wedding ?

Yeah. But it’s all right. They're taking care of everything.

Can't Wait to see Dad In a grey topper.

Hey, you're right. I shall have to watch out for one of them.

Come on, for God's sake !

It’s like trying to get a hunch of performing seals on the road !

I can't find my gloves.

What do you want gloves for ? He’s being married, not knighted. Mum !

I think I'm going to cry.

So am I it' I don't get you lot out In that Rolls. Come on, love.

Stop crying. You'll lose your eyelashes. Just get in there and relax, girl

Now, where the hell is Dad ? Dad ?

Here. Not a bad fit, is it ?

Christ, you look like the cover of Butch Male. Get in the car. Go on.

- Walt. I've gotta get me hat. - Timmy ?

I'm in the carousel Hey, I'd better do that as well.

Oh, God.

I'm sure I've forgotten something.

You've got everything but the bleeding wand. Get in the car !

Sidney, you're so uncouth. Oh, go on.

Oh, Did.

Here, a quick one for the road.

Oh, ta, Dad. I'll get my tooth mug.

I've got butterflies in the old tum.

I had the same thing, son, only mine were bloody great bat.

Ta. Right.

Well, hero's to the first baby.

Oh, turn it up, Dad. Don't rush it.

I shall never forget the day you were horn. It was Guy Fawkes Night.

- I know. - How do you know ?

- It’s my birthday. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I remember walking home from the hospital. All the rockets and fireworks are going off.

I remember wondering what you were gonna be like. You know, what you were gonna do.

I never thought about marriage then.

Me neithar.

Dad, what the bloody hall are you doing ?

I'm toasting the bridegroom. You want for a pea, not a plus-up !

Go on. They're waiting for you downstairs. You're coming with me. Come on.

Oh, God, now I want to go ! Hey ! Wait for us in the Mini

Hey, Fred, how about that for a Nice place of crumpet, eh ?

Where ?

Sea-through charlies and all.

Yeah. Wonder If she wants a lift to Bristol.

Her Bristols don't need no lifting, Matai Come on. Give us a hand with this.

I often wonder why some of them bother to wear anything at all these days.

I'm glad they don't, mate.

You would.

Timmol

Right, off we go.

Now what ?

I'm glad you're all right. I was afraid there'd been an accident.

Well, we had to stop because Dad nearly had one.

Lovely day for it.

Better still If we'd got the groom. He's right behind. Sid's bringing him.

I can't understand it. He’s such a dependable boy.

If he says he’s going to do something, he always does it.

It’s a little more than saying he’s going to do something. He’s going to get married.

Here they come. About bleeding time too.

Dad ! Well, it bloody is.

Where's Timmy, then ? I was hoping he was here.

But you were bringing him. Yeah, but I lost him.

Don't worry, love. He can't be far away.

He’s probably just lost his way, dear.

Here he comes.

I'm afraid that's the next wedding.

But we haven't finished this one yet.

I fear you're well over your time, slr.

Can't you slide us down one, vicar ?

Well, I might just squeeze you in at 4:00.

If you think I'm sitting here until 4:00 o’clock ...

Ho, no, no. Of course not. Besides, my man have to go on duty later on.

There are lots of criminals abroad, you know.

Not only abroad.

It’s so unlike Timmy.

- is it ? - Oh, yes.

I mean, I'm sure he hasn't eloped.

Elopad, madam ? Tell me, how many girls is he engaged to ?

Uh, okay, uh, why don't we go back to the reception hall. At least he knows where that is.

He, no, look, you see, reporting it to the engineers isn't gonna get me married, ls it ?

What ?

Hello ?

No ?

Bloody reception-hall phone's out of order.

1.20, including the phone.

Um, how far is it to London ? Oh, about, uh, 60 miles.

Oh ...

We still haven't served the wine, sir.

Look, I really don't think we should open the champagne until we've had the wedding.

Quito right. I'm only here for the bear anyway.

And I'm only here, sir, because your son is supposed to marry my daughter.

Don't worry. He'll be here. Unless, of course, he’s been arrested.

- What would be he arrested for ? - I don't know.

Your mob don't always give reasons, do they ?

mob, as you ...

No of fence. Yes, all right.

Just a figure of speech.

I've got a lot of respect for the police.

Thank you, yes.

Anybody ever calls them bastards, I always deny it.

I'm sure the commissioner will be most happy to know about that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like a word with my wife.

Well, your health.

Down the hatch.

Ah, John, dear, I was just telling Mrs. Lea,

If Timothy had been Involved in an accident,

the police would be the first to hear about it.

Oh, yes, certainly, certainly. My mob ...

Have already checked the hospitals.

Mind you, he could've lost his memory.

Or his nerve. Oh, no, he’s plenty of nerve.

Well, you have to, cleaning windows.

Timmy’s like Sidney. He'll go up anything.

Here we are, ladies. Reinforcement.

Oh, ta. Sidney, do you remember

when you was an hour late for our wedding ?

Do I ? I broke the zip on me trousers !

Yes, well, one hour's a little different to three hours.

Oh ...

Oh, God. It’s baby's feeding time. I've gotta take these back.

Right, love, come on, then.

You can do it style In the Rolls.

Oh ... I won't say see you revival because I'll see you again later.

Come on.

Look, darling, why don't you go and have a little chat with Aunt Maisie.

She's in quite good form for a change.

I have nothing to say to Aunt Maisie.

Well, I don't like to see you sitting here by yourself.

Daddy, do stop fussing. I'm okay.

Hello, Johnny. did you hear the one about the fella ...

who gave up drink for the sake of his wife and kidneys ?

That's bloody marvellous !

Hi.

I brought you some grub. You're getting slashed.

Wouldn't you get slashed ?

Yeah, but you ought to soak it up with something.

Apart from anything else, I feel such a twlt in this wedding dress.

You look gorgeous.

Stood up at the bloody altar. Ho !

Yeah, well. Maybe it’s for the beet.

And what does that mean ?

Well, I don't honestly think Timmy was ready for marriage.

So you told him to run for his life ?

Me ? Christ, no ! I was all for it.

Okay, I had my doubts to begin with. Then I began to envy him.

Why, you're a very attractive woman, Liz.

If I wasn't married, I'd be tempted to resolve.

You really are a smooth bastard, aren't you ?

What did I say ?

You can't even talk to a jilted bride without trying to pull her.

I was only commentating. I don't want commentation.

I just want to get out of this bloody place and this bloody outfit.

So, what's stopping you ?

I'll nlp round the side. I've got my van outside. I'll run you home.

I can't leave just like that.

Now, why not ?

I'll come straight back here and tell them ...

You had an attack of the vapours. Hmm ?

Come on. Come on.

It could only happen to me. I even get seasick looking at boats !

Talk about "Get me to the church on time. "

I'll probably turn up and throw up.

Church ? He ! I didn't even make the reception !

I thought of calling the house, but I might've got her old man and a coin up my tread.

As for my feet, well, I'd worn them off.

They felt like the end of my legs turned up.

The house looked even darker than my matrimonial future.

They were either all asleep or inspector Radiett was lurking behind the door, his truncheon in his hand.

Terrific wedding night. Everyone in bed but the groom.

And up there was my place of nuptial bliss.

Question was, how could Romeo get to Juliet without his bleeding ladder ?

Sid, behave yourself !

I said, I'm going to have to put you in handcuffs.

No hard feelings, then, Timmy, eh ?

Of course not, Sid. Probably saved me from a fate worse than death anyway.

Yeah, well, I won't be up any ladders for a while.

Not to worry, Sid. I got it all fixed up.

Got a new boy starting tomorrow.

And remember, In our business ...

you gotta be Immune from shocks, especially from birds.

As long as they're satisfied customers, they bring in the new ones, right ?

Right. Right.

If you ever want your windows cleaned ...

I live on a houseboat.

Fair enough. I might even do your porthole for nothing.