Original subtitles

ANDREW: Kim, Kim have you seen my blue suit jacket?

Vlad? Vlad?

-ANDREW: Kim? -Vlad?

Yes?

Oh, um, are you gonna take these photos down or should we, or...

Oh, Mrs Marsden, don't you worry,

my men and me, we'll take care of everything.

-[SIGHS] -[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Stupid kitchen. Oh Kim, have you seen my blue suit jacket?

Ah, it's upstairs in the wardrobe.

-I already looked up there. -Well, look again.

And now have some water taps for you to look at

-Master Marsden please, please? -Oh, uh, yeah.

Yeah. Uh, all right. I'm sure they're fine,

whatever my wife wants. She's the boss.

I will show them to you then.

I need someone to sign this form for me.

I'm busy right now, get your dad to do it, he's the writer.

Ah, what is this for?

Um, I think it's used to keep you warm

while making you look respectable.

Funny.

I told you, the International Science Fair.

International? In Wales?

Does that even count? You wanna check the Trade Descriptions Act.

-Just sign it, dad. -Wales, it's hardly...

Just sign it.

Ooh, uh, where's my carry-on?

KIM: It's in front of the door, where you always put it.

-Andrew? -Uh, yeah.

This kitchen extension's already doing my head in. All this

and a bunch of random Polish men traipsing in and out all day.

But I don't think they're Polish actually.

Remember you said these guys would be even cheaper than the Poles?

Whatever. This whole thing's a pain.

We have needed to do this forever,

so I need you to look at these and tell me which one you like the best?

-I like them both. -You can't have them both. Just make a decision.

Uh...

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I don't speak Latvian

but if what you just said is, do I wanna sheet over that bookcase? I do.

Oh, yes, yes please. Yes.

Uh, that would be brilliant, especially this bookcase,

I have some first editions there that are very important to me.

-What? Oh. -Are you gonna be back Friday or Saturday,

'cause someone needs to be here for the doors.

Saturday, although I may have to stay a little bit longer.

-Uh, what? -Yeah, I said I might.

But the chance is I may have to do this extra piece.

-Andrew? -It's about a nun who kite surfs.

That is so not cool.

It kind of is, 'cause she's nearly 80.

-That's not what I mean. -Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

Well, the cash will come in handy

and I'll probably only be gone for five, six days,

seven tops, eight absolute maximum.

There's a lot going on here and there's a lot of people.

Hey, you'll be fine Kim, you'll be great.

And there's only three of them.

There's four, there's four.

-VLAD: Mrs Marsden? -So, what is it this time?

Bilbao, the world's third oldest chorizo festival.

Oh, that's literally the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

Do you know what they put in sausages?

-Yeah, I do actually. -It's like, bones, pork, faecal matter.

Hey, all right, okay, I get it. I'll bring you back as much as I can.

-No. -Hey, Chrissy,

I need you to look after your mum, okay?

You know how she gets with too many people around.

Too many people.

-That's not nice. -I know. I'm sorry. Okay.

Ooh, has anyone seen my...

Hey, great, okay, good.

Looks like I'm ready to go.

Ah, Vlad, I mean Pavo, that's my husband's office,

it's off limits, nothing personal.

Hey, ho-ho, no, hello.

Yes, thank you, it's locked, it's locked, thank you.

Dad, oh my God, that is so racist.

How is that racist? I just don't want him to go in there.

Oh 'cause they'll steal all your stuff because they're Latvian?

-I didn't say that. -You didn't have to.

-You thought it with your mind. -I did not.

And I'd lock the door even if they were white.

They are white. Oh, my God, mum!

Honey, your dad may be a lot of things but he's not a racist.

Okay, here we are.

Andrew Marsden, EasyJet flying

to Bilbao, Spain, departure 14:35

arrival 17:25, got it.

-I can drive if you wanna. I have time. -You can't you're blocked in.

-Well, I can take your car. -The insurance.

Right. And I don't wanna drive all the way back into town

and then back home and then back into town again.

-I'm gonna miss you. -It's only five or six days or so,

seven top, eight absolute maximum.

All right, all right.

-Text me when you get in, okay? -Like I always do.

Like seriously dad, I do not want even

a slice of that foul Spanish sausage in this house.

Now look who's racist.

[SIGHS]

Going into town tonight?

Um, yeah, just dinner with Amy and Tanya.

Oh, Bristol's very own Thelma and other Thelma.

Should make for a nice evening of quiet, civil, political discord.

-Stop it. They're not that bad. -Where you going?

Uh, it's under discussion. Maybe that place in Clifton Village,

-the new one, or maybe Italian. -Yeah. You know,

you should check out the Crown & Anchor in Westbury, there's new people there.

Hmm, I think the idea was to go into town not out of it.

Yeah. Just that I read this article, they do Argentinian steak and you love steak so...

-Well, Amy's a vegan. -What? Since when?

Friday.

Well, I'm sure they can do her a salad.

You can't let her lifestyle choices dictate your diet. I mean, that's really selfish.

Well I'm not, I just... I wanna be sensitive

-because it's hard for her and... -Fuck that!

If you wanna steak, eat a steak.

Well, I didn't say that I did want a steak.

Right. No, um, I'm just saying Westbury's nice.

Well, we should go there when you get back, if you want.

Great. I mean, I'm not saying this for me,

I... You know, I just think if you wanna eat a steak then eat a steak.

But fine, yeah, go, no, no steak for you tonight.

-Go have fun. -Okay, I will.

You should go or you're gonna be late, okay.

And watch out for the potholes on the road.

-I love you. -I love you.

I love you both so much.

-You know that, don't you? -I do.

-I love you. -I love you.

[SOFT ROCK SONG PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUTTERS]

[CAR LOCK BEEPS]

[CAR LOCK BEEPS]

[EXHALES]

[SOFT ROCK SONG PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND]

-Hello. -Hey.

-Hi. -How you doing?

I'm good.

Welcome back to sunny Bristol.

-[CHUCKLES] -Oh. How was it?

Oh, you know, I'm sure it's not a patch on the world's second oldest chorizo festival.

-I missed you. -I missed you too.

-Dad. -There he is.

-Hey. -Hey.

-How's it going? -How you doing?

Ah, lovely to see you.

-What's that? -[ALL CHUCKLING]

ANDREW: First of all, I didn't plan for this to happen,

it, it just happened.

[BABY COOS]

and it just kept on happening.

You read about this sort of thing and you think, how is that possible?

Well, I happen to be a successful travel writer,

so I always have a ready-made excuse for my absences.

So, what is it this time?

ANDREW MARSDEN: Really, it's about the routine.

You just have to stick to the routine.

Kim and Christina, one week,

Denise and Kris the next.

Back and forth, over and over again.

And you have to keep track of the lies.

Five, six days, seven tops, eight absolute maximum.

For the most part that's enough.

For the most part.

How long you back for?

Five, six days or so.

Seven tops, eight absolute maximum.

-Five days? -Yeah, I said at least five days.

-Five? -Yeah.

-Kris, I've got something for you. -Eh?

Would you like something to eat or can you wait till later?

I tried to make some vegetable samosas.

Uh, no. Uh, I'm all right actually. I will, uh,

I'll wait for dinner.

Now, look at that.

Oh, um, thanks.

-You don't like it, do you? -No it's, it's cool, it's just, um...

You like planes, you collect them, that's a Spitfire.

Yeah, yeah, I know, it's just...

I'm 15 now. I don't play with this stuff anymore.

Besides I, um, I think I already had one like this.

I, I thought I'd lost it.

Yeah, right. Then, no, well that, that's why I got you that one as a replacement.

Oh, um, right, well, um, thanks, I, I guess.

I bet Kris told you not to touch these, didn't he?

-KRIS: No. -Yes, he did.

-Traitor. -Although the "I tried" part

of "I tried to cook samosas" did set off alarm bells.

Well, he had the first batch.

I actually think these are much better. It's not easy cooking in such a small oven.

Don't blame the oven, it's a fine oven.

It's not fine. And I've been asking you for a new kitchen for ages.

Oh, darling, these are delicious.

-Liar. -Oh.

[LAUGHS] They're, they're really, really... Whoo.

Such a terrible liar.

Anyway, that's good you won't spoil your appetite

-'cause we're going out for dinner later, remember? -Hmm.

Do, do you want some water?

Yeah, I remember, we're going out to dinner with, um...

-Who we going to dinner with? -Rafiq and Sameera,

-I told you, I met them in class. -Yes, Pilates, wasn't it?

-Yoghurt class. -Yoghurt class, really? How's that a class?

All right, clever clogs, how do you make yoghurt?

-Easy. I go to the shop and I buy it. -Hmm.

They've just moved here and they don't know anyone,

so I said I'd show them around, introduce them to Bristol.

Right, okay. But, um, uh,

just bear in mind that most people like to discover stuff on their own.

Oh, rather than read it from a guide book?

Yeah, all right. But I do know what I'm talking about.

That people don't like guide books?

No. That some people resent it when people try to tell them...

No, that's just you. These people are not antisocial freaks.

I'm not antisocial or a freak.

Hmm, that was a bit dramatic.

But, you know, I need to... well, I, I need a lot of things.

And I need to have a social life outside of this house.

I need to matter more and, you know, you're never here and...

Hey. You matter to me.

And Kris.

That is not what I meant, but thank you. Hmm.

Hey, I've just a really great idea.

Let's get Rameer and Sadiq over to ours, so we can make dinner here.

-Rafiq and Sameera. -Yeah.

That would be lovely but I've been stuck in the house all week

and the kitchen really is a bit of mess.

Besides, it will be nice to show them a bit of Bristol.

Can you not stay in a hotel that does laundry?

Oh, no I'll do it.

Jesus, Andrew!

-What? -The shirt smells of arse.

That's Spain. You're smelling Spain.

-So where's dinner? -Sergio's.

Oh, okay.

Right, that's, that's right in town.

-You sure you wanna go all the way into town? -Yeah, why not?

-Open the door. -Okay.

You sure they're allowed to eat Italian food?

Yeah, what do you mean? Of course, they can.

Okay. Because we could just go to Vijay's

if it needs to be halal, which I'm absolutely fine about. Actually, thinking about it,

is Italian food halal? I'm not sure it is, is it?

I'm sure they can eat Italian food, darling.

Right. Okay.

-It's broken. -Have to unlock it.

Oh, you're 100% sure about that?

Yes, I've been doing your laundry for a long time now.

No, I meant about the Italian food thing.

No, I'm not 100% sure.

Yeah, you see, it's not something you wanna make a mistake about.

Maybe it's best to go to Vijay's.

Just Google it.

You really wanna trust Wikipedia on this one?

-[GROANS] -Come on,

let's just go to Vijay's, keep it local.

-I'll text her. -Text what?

"Hey, Sameera, I'm just wondering if there's such a thing as halal pizza."

Come on. Let's just go to Vijay's.

I'll just say we're settling a bet. I'll blame you.

No, no, they're opposed to gambling.

You never see one in William Hill.

Look I, I just think maybe we really need

to be vigilant about not being racist, especially now.

Let's just play it safe and go to...

That's the dishwasher tablet.

Oh, well, it's all the same thing, isn't it?

Food on trousers, food on plate, it's still food.

-No, that goes in there. -Argh.

-[CHUCKLES] -[MOBILE VIBRATES]

Ooh, aha,

they love Italian food.

-Oh, great. -[GIGGLES]

[WASHMACHINE DOOR SHUTTING]

Tits.

Uh...

KRISTAPS: Miss, my dad wants to know if you wanted to take a look at those goose necks.

-Uh, what? -The, the bendy necks for the taps.

-Oh. -CHRISTINA: Mum, where's my bubble jumper?

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

-KRISTAPS: For the sink. -KRISTINA MARSDEN: Mum?

-VLAD: Kristaps! -Miss? Miss?

-CHRISTINA: Mum! -VLAD: Kristaps, do we know what she want?

[LOUD BANGING CONTINUES]

Uh, I was just thinking,

you're sure they're not just being polite, though? I don't wanna make them uncomfortable.

It's fine. Look, it's okay, it's all good.

Dad, I forgot to tell you, uh, mum, did you tell him?

Ooh, indeed I did not.

Dearest Andrew, you shall never guess what.

What, pray tell, shan't I guess?

[ARISTOCRATIC VOICE] Only the shantiest shall never guess

that thou shall never guester.

-Ooh, shan't I? -Come on, guys.

-Go on, tell him. -I got a Saturday job.

You did? That's amazing.

-Well, I, um, I got... -It's great, isn't it?

Yeah, that's really great.

Doing what exactly?

-Working in construction. -Working in construction.

You sure you're not just making tea for builders?

No, I'm gonna be, uh, lifting stuff

and nailing things and using glue-guns. All that stuff.

Well, look at you. Wow!

I suppose you're well on your way to becoming a real man.

Yeah, a friend of mine, Kris, he sorted it for me.

Oh, I don't think I know this Kris, do I?

No, he's a new friend, just left school.

Oh, a manly man, doing man things with men.

I, for one, am looking forward to you becoming the breadwinner round here.

Maybe I can retire early.

Ooh, I'd like that. Have you around full time.

Yes, yes, yes,

yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Don't have to share you with the rest of the world, darling.

Mmm. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. Although it is writing, I don't really need to...

...retire early from that. I can do that well into my golden years.

And it's not as if we won't always need the extra cash,

um, you know.

Don't wanna say no to that pay cheque.

-New kitchens. -New kitchens. Exactly... And stuff.

-Oh. -[MOBILE VIBRATES]

Ugh.

Is it work?

-[MOBILE RINGING] -Yeah.

-Do you have to take it now? -I should but I'm not going to.

Right. I'm going to go upstairs for a shower.

Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I don't think you heard me.

No I heard you, you're gonna take... Oh, right.

Dad, could I get you to, um...

Yeah, I just have to... I'll see you later.

Good job about the job.

Miss Larkspur.

Might I have a word?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

KRISTAPS: Excuse me? Excuse me?

-[TAPPING ON WINDOW] -Excuse me?

-Excuse me? -What is it?

Um, my dad said to come and ask you if this is okay.

The one you liked has been discontinued so...

[EXHALES]

-VLAD: Mrs Marsden? -KRISTINA: Mum, I need help with something.

-Yes, fine. -Thank you.

VLAD: Mrs Marsden?

Oh, it's definitely nice to be home.

It's times like these I really miss a cigarette.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[GUITAR PLAYING]

Ooh.

-That's your fault. -[GROANS]

You bought it for him.

That's not music, that's a cry for help.

Don't be mean. [LAUGHS]

What have we wrought?

What demon spawn hath we?

May the elders of Tyrannous come down from the heavens

and smite his devil's electrified scratch stick.

[LAUGHS]

-Right. I'm gonna go for a shower. -What? Again?

No. This time, I'm really going for a shower.

Hmm.

Just gonna try and squeeze in a little work.

RECORDING MACHINE: You have one new message.

KIM: It's me. I thought I might catch you before you got on a plane.

Everything's fine though,

just, uh... Oh, so I finally spoke to Peter next door about the party wall agreement

and it's all okay, he was surprisingly reasonable.

Oh, and he hates those potholes almost as much as I do,

he says we should talk to other people about it.

So, yeah.

Everything's good over here.

-I'm taking care of everything, the fixtures, the...-[TYPING ON KEYBOARD]

Oh, don't worry about it, but I did get a different tap actually.

I think you're really going to like it. It's pewter.

-[TYPING CONTINUES] - How's Bilbao?

Don't work too hard. Okay?

Okay, well...

[LAPTOP MOUSE CLICKING]

DENISE: Kris, we're going to Sergio's now.

Yeah, although not definitely there, could possibly go somewhere else.

You gonna be okay?

Kris? I could just stay in tonight.

KRIS: Yes, I'm fine for the billionth time.

Come on, he's 15. You're overdoing it,

he doesn't wanna be treated like a kid.

Oh really? Kris,

would you like me to bring you back some Kinder eggs?

Kris?

KRIS: Uh, yeah, please, actually. That would be great.

Now you're gonna have to stop for Kinder eggs.

Oh, I have just had a great idea.

Sushi.

I think the Japanese already had that idea.

[CHUCKLES]

No, no, let's go and eat some, I really got a craving for it.

Come on, aw, eh? Sushi?

No, we're meeting friends in 20 minutes at another restaurant

and we're already running late.

Call them, see if they wanna detour to Yen Sushi.

-That's in Bath. -So?

You said you wanted to stay local 'cause you've been travelling all day.

Yeah, but now that I'm in the car...

That's absurd. We will never get a table.

Yen Sushi, where did that come from?

All right. Sergio's it is.

Fair enough. I'm just trying to be spontaneous.

Can we not stay too late though 'cause I think I'm coming down with something.

Swallowing. Hurts when I swallow.

Right. Um...

Ooh, hello, uh, we have a reservation under the name of Marsden

or it might be under Larkspur.

Certainly, Marsden, yes, table for three.

Oh, look, they're already here.

Andrew, get over here.

Sorry. Did you say table for three?

So, yeah, 8:00 o'clock.

Andrew?

Hi, Sam.

You know Rafiq?

-Hello. -Hi. [GIGGLES]

And this is Andrew.

-Andrew? -Sorry, sorry, miles away.

-Rafiq, hello. -Hello.

You must be Sameera, how lovely to meet you.

Um, I hope you don't mind but we went ahead and ordered a bottle of wine.

No, no, not at all. I'm sure Andrew will have a glass.

-SAMEERA: Oh, but not you? -No, no, I don't drink, anymore.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

-What? -[GIGGLES]

I think Rafiq was sitting there, Andrew.

Oh, was he?

Oh well, I'm sure you don't mind do you, Rafiq?

Uh, no, no, it's fine. I'll sit here.

Problem solved.

-Do you want to... -Yeah, that'd be great.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, oh, excuse me.

-What is it? -Oh, I don't believe this.

Call me ASAP. Guess who?

His boss.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to take this. I'll just be one moment.

Oh, you can take it here, I don't mind.

Thank you.

Andrew's got this thing about talking in front of other people

on mobile phones. He thinks it's rude, he won't do it.

Honestly, it took me forever to try and get him to use one.

Don't get him started on Facebook or Twitter.

Oh God, he won't even let Kris on it.

In fact, he won't even allow Kris his own mobile phone.

It's like living in the 1890s in our house.

Or 1990s, even.

-Well, I'd be happy with that. -[ALL CHUCKLING]

Hi, this is a longshot

but I meant to ask. I was in here last week and I left a briefcase in here,

has anybody handed it in?

No sir, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, uh, would you mind looking for me?

Because, uh, someone might have left it in the back office or something.

Sorry, I haven't seen a briefcase.

Yeah, I mean... Well it was last week so, um...

Right. I can't help you sir,

-we don't even have a back office. -Yeah, it's sort of black

with brown... It's, it's you know, it's white... It's mainly white.

It's got a strap, it's got handles.

I don't know what you want me to do, sir.

Well, I want you to fucking look for it, obviously. Fuck sake...

Sorry, I'm sorry. I just...

It's got sentimental value so...

I'll go speak to my manager.

Yeah, thank you so much, I really do appreciate that.

Oh, no!

KIM'S VOICEMAIL: Hi. This is Kim Marsden. Sorry I missed your call.

Leave me your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Bye.

-[BEEPS] -Hey, Kim,

greetings from Espana, ole. [LAUGHS]

Uh, the hotel's a bit shit but I suppose that was to be expected.

I've got a room right next to quite a busy road, um,

and you talked to Peter about the potholes.

Uh, should I be jealous?

Um, but maybe you two should get a petition going.

Well done. And talking of well done, I really do think

that you deserve that steak.

I do.

I mean, think of all the times you had to do stuff that you didn't wanna do for Amy?

And they have a really good salad bar at the Crown & Anchor

because I read about it online.

-[MEN SINGING] -Honestly, this road, its' so noisy.

And, and there seem to be English people everywhere.

And here's the clincher, it's on me.

Yeah, I rang ahead and I left my credit card details.

So go ahead and splash out and I wish I could be there.

Oh, wait that's, that's maintenance at my door.

One sec, one second. Hola, hola,

yes I have a real problem with the window,

I want to shut the window 'cause it's very noisy.

Yeah, I gotta go, this guy doesn't speak a word of English.

So, uh, look I love you

and please do go for that steak on me.

Please? And, uh, text me if you wanna let me know where you are.

Don't call me because I forgot to put my phone on charge.

All right? I love you, bye.

Oh, God, 58 minutes, okay.

-[LINE RINGING] -WOMAN : Directory. Which number?

Yeah, the Crown & Anchor, please?

[ALL GIGGLING]

Oh, you are not going to believe this.

That inappropriate rude word of a boss of mine,

wants me to rewrite my entire Cardiff Bay piece tonight.

-DENISE: What? -Sorry guys, we're gonna have to go.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, no we don't.

We're not going anywhere, he can wait.

Well, that's what I said darling, but he was rather adamant.

Trust me, he doesn't know what adamant means.

Well, I hope he does because he's my editor. [LAUGHS]

You're staying here and we're gonna eat dinner.

-But I... -Either you tell him or I will.

Darling, I don't like it any more than you do.

Then give me the phone and I'll call him.

Yeah, yeah, you're right, yeah.

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna stay and have dinner. Yeah.

-Now who does he think he is? -Good for you.

I am sorry, sir, I couldn't locate a briefcase.

Oh, okay.

Thank you. Weird.

-What was all that about? -I dunno.

Maybe she thinks I'm Noel Edmonds [LAUGHS].

[ALL LAUGH]

Right, come on then, let's order. I know what I want. Waiter?

Slow down. We haven't even looked at the menus yet.

Oh, who needs a menu? It's Italian. It's pizza, pasta,

sardines, lasagne, you know the sort of thing, am I right?

Waiter, yeah, four mozzarella starters, please?

What do you want, Salmon? Ravioli? Pasta? Ravioli?

[DENISE LAUGHS]

-DENISE: Right, your turn. -I'm finished.

Oh no, that's too hard

but if I could only pick one, then rugby.

No wait, low fat cottage cheese. [LAUGHS]

This game doesn't make any sense to me.

-It's, it's fun. -It's stupid.

-What's wrong with you? -I told you, I'm not feeling very well.

Well that's what happens when you eat your food too fast.

Well it's better than eating too slow, if you ask me. That's just rude.

-You can talk. -I'm just--

Just being a pain.

-Sameera, do you cook? -SAMEERA: Yes, I do.

Um, I'm not great but I do like to experiment.

She's a very good cook. Your soups are brilliant.

Aw, I bet you've got a lovely kitchen to cook those soups in as well.

Yeah, well you can stop there actually

because Sameera, it's not really about whether you're a good cook or not.

Denise wants a new kitchen

and she's brought it up in a hope that you'll back her up. So...

Oh.

Um, right. I think I'll just run to the ladies.

Excuse me.

I, I'll come with you.

[DENISE AND SAMEERA WHISPER]

This asparagus is very good.

Huh? What? Oh, the asparagus.

-Yeah, it's very good. -Hmm.

Yeah. So, um, Denise told Sameera

that you write those mysterious traveller books.

-Anonymous traveller. -Right. Yes, of course, sorry.

I, I read the one where you followed the original spice trail.

Really interesting.

-Thank you. -I enjoyed it.

And, and you really are anonymous? No one knows who you are?

-Yep. -Why?

Well, because I wanna be able to honestly assess

all the experiences and to be able to do that

I need to be able to be treated like anyone else.

Well, that makes sense.

Yeah, it must be kinda cool though to do all that travelling

and not have to pay for it.

Um, well, I spend six months

of the year away from Denise and Kris and the other six months

listening to them complain about it. So...

-That sounds hard. -It's not ideal.

Can't remember the last time I went on holiday.

Yeah, it's not a holiday, it's a work.

I work for a living. So,

that's how I'm able to provide for my families.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it... Families?

Excuse me?

You said, I provide for my families.

Uh, security... Family's security.

You didn't let me finish.

Is everything okay?

Um, yeah, you know, yeah. I'm just trying to...

Just trying to work something out.

Yeah, you're right, look at me.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Look at me.

I'm sweating like a suicide bomber going through customs.

[LAUGHS] No offence.

-None taken. -Great.

Why would you think that I might take offence?

Because you're a Muslim.

Although not a very good one obviously

because you're sat here drinking.

No,

oh, yeah, you're right, these are good asparagus.

Asparagus? Asparaguses? Asparagi? Asparagai?

What did you just say?

I'm trying to think of the plural of asparagus.

No, not that. Why would I take offence to you saying suicide bomber

-because I'm a Muslim? -Uh, because it's a common stereotype.

I mean, I, I didn't make that up, that's just, you know,

9/11, 7/7, Salman Rushdie,

the Munich Olympics and infinitum.

I mean, I don't think that you and Sameera are terrorists.

-Ooh. Well, thank you. -You're welcome.

But if you knew that Sameera and I are Muslim...

I did, that's why I said no offence.

-Because you didn't wanna offend us? -Right.

Then don't make offensive remarks.

Well, hey, I don't think you're all terrorists,

neither does Denise, God, no.

-Okay. -I mean,

[MIMICKING MUSLIM CHANTING] Allah Hu Akbar, no.

You know, I'm just saying that some people do have that opinion, you know,

racists, UKIP members,

some Danish cartoonists.

But clearly, you don't take being a Muslim that seriously

'cause your sat here drinking.

Woah, look, uh, plenty of Muslims drink alcohol,

so maybe you should educate yourself

about different cultures before you make a fool of yourself.

Okay, well, clearly I've upset you so

I think it's probably best if Denise and I go.

Please tell her I'll be in the car.

No, no, no, no, no. Look,

why don't we just say that it came out wrong

and change the subject, hmm?

Okay.

Hmm.

[SIGHS]

Hmm, you know what?

I think the plural of asparagus is asparagus...

-Right. -...or asparaguses. You can have both

but not asparagai. No.

To be honest I really don't know a lot of Arabs

so it's great to meet you two.

We're not Arab.

Oh well, thank God for small mercies.

[LAUGHS] My God, I mean.

Not all Muslims are Arabs

and not all Arabs are Muslims.

Right. Because that's worse.

What? Uh, worse? Worse than what?

Muslims.

No, no, no. It's, it's not worse,

-it's just different. -Right. Yeah, come on, is it?

Yes.

Come on, is it though, really?

Yes it is. And, and for Arabs to be worse than Muslims...

-Yeah. -...you'd already have to think that Muslims are bad.

No, no, I meant for you, you know, in terms of lazy stereotypes.

Uh, what's the difference anyway?

Look, Muslims embrace the religion of Islam. Now...

-Yeah. -...now the Arabs live in a part of the world

known as Arabia. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't call us Arabs.

Yeah, hey, don't worry. I'm not gonna call you a towel head.

-What the fuck is your problem? -Hey, what?

Raf?

What, what, what's going on?

I don't know, we were just sitting here talking.

Talking. He made a string of racist and Islamophobic remarks.

-I did not. -Andrew's not racist.

Raf, come on?

He, he said that he was sweating like a suicide bomber going through Customs.

Yeah, I heard that on a sitcom, I didn't think that was racist.

Well, it's in bad taste but I don't think it's racist.

[STAMMERING] And then he said, no offence.

-Hmm? -No offence?

-As in? -I hope this doesn't offend you.

It, it was, it was, it was the tone. It was the tone.

And, and, and then he said that he wouldn't call me a towel head.

He thought that all Muslims are Arabs.

Oh, well no, I apologised for that and that was ignorance, that was not racism.

Oh come on, I don't think for a minute that you're ignorant.

-Thank you. -I think you did it on purpose.

-[MOBILE VIBRATES] -Raf, come on.

Well... That is it.

-Andrew? -No, I'm sorry, Denise,

I'm not gonna sit and listen to that. I'm sorry.

He's an arsehole.

[EXHALES IN RELIEF]

I'm so sorry, Rafiq.

I know Andrew is a lot of things but he's, he's not racist.

And also I know his jokes are not always funny.

Hardly ever, in fact, so I can only apologise. But, yeah.

[CHUCKLING IN RELIEF]

Found the briefcase.

Perhaps we should just call a night, okay?

Hey, hey, hey. Where you going?

You haven't finished your food yet.

-Um... -No, no, no, please, please sit down. Listen...

Rafiq's still a bit upset, Andrew,...

I know, and he has every right to be

because I was crass and I was insensitive,

and, uh, I apologise, sincerely.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Listen, it would make me feel so much better

if you'd stay and have some dessert, please?

Please?

Come on.

Would you like to share a tiramisu?

Is that supposed to be a symbol of black and white peaceful co-existence?

[SNICKERS]

Yes!

Yes. That's exactly what... [LAUGHS]

[ALL BURST INTO LAUGHTER]

Waiter? Oh, fuck!

Yes, Simone we are a little bit late, we can...

Oh, Andrew, what you doing?

Um, I, I think I dropped my phone.

Oh, no, no it's here. Andrew?

Is it? You sure?

Yes. Andy? Andrew?

Andrew?

Oh shit, shit, shit.

[VOICE DISTORTED] Hello?

Andy?

Hello?

Andrew? Hello?

Andy?

You all right?

Um, yeah.

Darling, you look terrible.

I think I'm gonna have to go, I'm sorry.

He did say he was coming down with something in the car on the way here.

I think it might've been the asparagus, plural.

Do we still have that bottle of Gaviscon?

Oh.

Um, look I'm gonna leave some money.

I'm so sorry and, and I'll give you a call. Sorry.

-Take care. -Sorry.

I've eaten loads of these.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

You okay, sweetheart?

Penny for them?

I love you.

Are you sure you don't want me to drive?

Oh, I'd love you to, but it's better for the environment like this.

I don't know why you insist on having two cars.

-Look after your mother, will you? -Course I will.

I wish I was going to Dubrovnik with you.

Me too.

-This making you uncomfortable yet? -Yeah.

Homework.

Hey.

[BREATHING EXCITEDLY]

I...

I love you. I love you both so much.

We love you too.

[SIGHS]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

ANDREW: Bristol, population almost half a million people.

God, I wish there were more restaurants.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES]

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