All language subtitles for (1959)Carlton-BrowneOfTheF.O.ING

Gaillardia?

Gaillardia.

Well?

Archives.

Yes?

I found gaillardia, sir.

It comes under the department of
miscellaneous territories.

Mr. Carlton-Browne.

Cadogan, your tea.

Thank you, mother.

Arthur, drink yours
before it gets cold.

Is the news any
brighter this morning?

They've buried Hartington.

Hartington?

They had Istanbul
when we had Belgrade.

How many paragraphs?

Two.

Only two?

Poor Mildred.

She will be disappointed.

What'd they say?

I paid for your
copy of the "times,"

But I'm damned if I'm
gonna read it for you.

Oh, now look
what you've done.

All right, I'll answer it.

Oh, leave it.
Leave it.

I didn't do it on purpose.

Accidents will happen.

Yes, indeed.

Cadogan.

Cadogan, you're wanted
at the ministry.

They say it's urgent.

Urgent?
Surely not.

Overworked and
understaffed as you claim to be,

It is conceivable that
even in your department

Something might arise.

I should therefore
advise you to go.

Yes, sir.

Get out; Get out while the
furniture's still intact.

You haven't forgotten the
Tursingtons written down

Today with Angela.

She'll want to see you.

But when?

I'm lunching at the club
between 12:00 and 3:00,

And I'm playing squash
with Bink at 5:00.

I suppose I could go for
tea at Fortnums around 4:00.

Tell her to
bring her raincoat.

Why? It's quite
a nice day out.

Oh, get out.

Sometimes I wonder
exactly what I've sired.

He needs someone
like Angela.

She'll take him in hand, but he
shows absolutely no interest.

Except for stylish affairs.

Something can be
done about that.

The fact is he
completely lacks ambition.

I've done what
I can for him.

But they must think
something of him to give him

That department.

Miscellaneous territories?

In my day, it was
known as the dust bin.

Ah-ha.

Carlton-Browne?

Yes.

The ministers have
been waiting to see you.

- Me?
- Since 10:00.

Is this a leg-pull?

There's an urgent
dispatch from gaillardia.

What's that?

It was a colony.

Oh, well, in that case,
it's not my pigeon, is it?

Apparently, it is now.

Oh, then who's our
fellow out there?

That's just it.

There shouldn't
be anyone there.

The dispatch is
signed "Davidson,"

But he ought to
have returned in 1916.

I see.

I wonder if there's
anything wrong.

I mean, he's simply
not on the ball, is he?

Rodgers, what's the last
thing we have on the file?

A message of loyalty on the
ascension of the queen, C.B.

I see.
That's frightfully slack.

Nearly six years.

Oh, not this queen.

Victoria.

Come in.

Ah, the decode.

What's happened
to the tea?

I'll find out, C.B.

Listen to this.

"Three members of Cossack
dance troupe now touring here

"on official visit observed to
be constantly out of step, stop.

"Am informed one is
eminent scientists,

Other two mining engineers."

Engineers,
dancing?

Isn't that a bit fishy?

I should have thought so.

There's a
second item, C.B.

"Would appreciate
instructions and something

On account of salary."

Oh, not more trouble.

Haven't we paid him?

Not for the last 40 years.

Oh, that's
frightfully slack.

Remind me to send
a counsel rocket,

And do find out what's
happened to the tea.

Yes, C.B.

Now, am I to tell the minister
you're on your way or what?

I suppose so.

Just a minute.

Where is this gaillardia?

Yes, I should find
that out if I were you.

It's the sort of thing
he's likely to ask.

And where exactly
is gaillardia?

Why, the 33rd
parallel, sir.

Mm.

We have a most favored
nations clause, sir,

In the self-determination
treaty.

What about the king?
Is he dependable?

All the evidence
points to it.

He has his
clothes made here.

Hardly sufficient,
is it?

Well, his younger
son is at Oxford.

In fact, he's lived
here since he was a boy.

Mm, these Cossack fellas are
obviously up to something.

Is there anything there?

We ever had a survey?

Have we?

Was there ever a survey?

There's a reference to
one made in 1870, sir,

But it's gone.

Gone?
Who had it?

The rats, sir.

Scandalous.

Not ours.

Colonial office rats, sir.

The big questions
in the house.

If there's anything
there worth having,

We should have it,
not the Russians.

We'll have to get our own
experts in right away,

But how?

Well, come along,
Carlton-Browne,

It's your baby, your
miscellaneous territories.

Well, then, they can hardly
go in as Cossack dancers,

Can they, sir.

I appreciate that.

What I should like
from you would be

A constructive suggestion.

Well, I was thinking, sir.

Good.

Couldn't the British council
help us?

How?

How.

Well, a council mission.

Maybe they could put
on some sort of a show,

And our experts could
travel with them.

Yes, that might be a way,
but on no account let

The British council know
what we're up to.

Right, see to it.

And tell the British council
to put on a show that's

Really impressive.

Try to keep in time,
sir John, if you can.

I see no women.

There are no women parts.

Yeah, these British.

I don't know how you feel,
but I'm ready to go.

"Flash: 'Prabda today'
puts finger on west.

Claims British agents pulled
tabs on loris and junior."

"'The times leader' today
asks whether death of the"

Late king loris might
be attributable to the

"furtherance of eastern
imperialist designs."

Just about the worst half
hour in the house I've ever

Experienced, and the
opposition have tabled four

More questions for tomorrow.

Now, Beaverbrook's demanding
that we close down the

British council.

And as if that's not enough,
he's a cable from U.N.O.

Calling for a full report.

Idiotic idea sending those
people out there anyway.

Who suggested it?

Wasn't it the colonial
office, minister?

It was not,
Carlton-Browne.

It was you.

Me, sir?

Yes, you, sir.

And what about those
experts of yours?

What do they say?

Nothing.

Why not?

They seem to
have disappeared.

What's Davidson doing?

Davidson?

The fellow who should've
come back in 1916.

Oh, nothing.

Apparently, he's
in bed with gout.

In bed with gout.

Then who are we
dealing with?

Well, it's a bit
complicated, minister.

You see, there's the new
king who's lived here since

A child.

Now, on the other
hand, in the South,

There's his Uncle,
the grand Duke Alexis,

Who also claims the throne.

They've been
fighting for years.

You know what families are.

Is there any
form of government?

Oh, rather, sir,
modeled on ours.

The prime minister is
a man named Amphibulos.

Rather tricky, apparently.

In what sense?

Well, he's a bit
of a politician.

So am I.

What I meant was
that he's flexible.

Mm, we'd best
see this young king.

That's what
I thought, sir.

So I phoned him at
Oxford last night.

Oh, you did?

Yes, I arranged a
meeting this morning.

He'll be here in 20 minuets.

Well, let me
tell you he won't.

He won't, sir?

Not unless he changes
planes in midair.

He left London airport
at 8:30 this morning.

Think he's incognito.

You'll call him Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones?

Will you take something
to drink, Mr. Jones?

Thank you, yes.

A dry Martini?

Just a beer, thank you.

Who's she?

That's miss Adrianas.

Where's she booked to?

I'll look at the
passenger list,

But I don't think she's
getting off before Napels.

Mm, we'll see.

A beer for his majesty.

One of the boys, eh?

Not half.

Your beer, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Of course, you're from South
gaillardia, aren't you?

How do you know?

All the real pretty
girls come from the South.

What were you
doing in England?

Oh, trying to
speak English.

I will never learn.

Oh, you mustn't.

It's perfect.

Oh, I must.

But really, you speak
English very good.

I should.

I was brought up there.

Tell me about it.

About what?

Everything.

Tell me everything you've
ever done since you were 12.

That would be very boring.

Anyway, I don't
even know your name.

Well, it's a little
difficult for someone

Of our nationality.

It's Jones.

What did you
actually tell the king?

Why, hardly anything.

I just warned him that
the Russians were there.

Well, now we
know why he left.

Yes.

Oh, come in, commander.

With you in a moment.

Who exactly is this
fellow Carlton-Browne?

How did he come to be in
charge of a department?

You remember sir Arthur
Carlton-Browne, sir?

Mm.

This is the son.

Oh.

I thought there
was something.

All right, we'd
better leave it.

Now, commander, what does
security have to say

About the young king
of gaillardia?

There's a confidential
report, minister,

From his college.

Seems quite an
ordinary young man.

Two gatings, some
minor offenses.

Oh?

Having young women
in college, sir.

Oh.

Games?

Doesn't say, sir.

Just having young women.

No, no, field sports.

Cricket, rowing?

Oh, no.

No organized games, sir.

He's a member of the
university labor party.

What?

The reigning monarch a
member of the labor party?

He wasn't fully
paid up, sir.

Maybe not.

But what material if the
Russians get hold of him.

We must be there.

We must show the flag.

This young,
inexperienced monarch,

One of our oldest allies
bound to us by indissoluble

Ties... never let it be said
that we failed them in their

Hour of need.

We shall be there beside
them, behind them... well,

Beside them... for all
the world to see,

Especially U.N.O.

Yes, someone must go
at once to LaGuardia.

Gaillardia, sir.

What's that?

Gaillardia.

LaGuardia's an
airport, New York City.

Who said anything
about airports?

You did, sir.

- You said LaGuar...
- I know what I said.

I said... well,
what did I say?

You completely destroyed
my train of thought.

Weren't you
saying, minister,

That someone must
go out there?

Yes, I was.

If there's anything
there worth having,

We're having it.

Had you anyone
in mind, minister?

As head of the department,
I suppose it'll have to be you.

Oh.

Now, look, Carlton-Browne.

We all remember
your late father.

Oh, he's not
late yet, sir.

Oh, I'm very glad to hear
it... a great ambassador anyway.

But this could be of
the utmost importance.

If you have any doubt,

Any doubt at all
as to your capacity?

Good heavens, no, sir.

Oh, I hope you're right.

We shall give you
temporary status as special

Ambassador, and
you'll leave at once.

Now, sir?

Is there anything
against it?

Well, it'll mean that
I shall miss ascot.

There are some sacrifices,
Mr. Carlton-Browne,

- Which the servi...
- Of course, sir.

Please don't worry about me.

You'll travel by passenger
plane until you transfer.

What then?

Well, that'll be up to
the boys on the squad.

We don't even know yet that
they've got an airfield on

The island.

I shan't keep you long, sir.

Evening.

Evening.

Bellingham.

Oh, yes, welcome
to war house.

Carlton-Browne of the F.O.

How do you do? Scotch?

Oh, thanks.

Sounds like a
sticky wicket.

Yes, it is
blowing up a bit.

I meant this
gaillardia jaunt.

Oh, that.

Afraid you'll have to
put me in the picture.

Satchel's team only said I was
military advisor.

Do you like satchel?

No, I don't think I do.

Oh, he's a good
bloke satchel.

Tigerline Gore was talking
about gaillardia in the club

Last night.

Didn't he marry one
of the Tarrington girls?

No, that was Buster.

Tigerman and Cynthia
Stowe-Furnace.

Artillery on
the mother's side.

Well, the whole
lot are gunners.

What did he say?

I beg your pardon?

I wonder what he
said about gaillardia.

Who?

Tigerline Gore.

Did he say something?

I thought you said he did.

I don't think tiger
would've said anything.

He never does, you know.

I see.

You mentioned tiger's
brother Buster.

You didn't mean thruster?

Which thruster?

Thruster Stowe-Furnace,
tiger's brother-in-law.

Oh, you mean the
one who's A.B.C.

For the D.A.D.N.I.

That's the fella.

No.

No.

Ah, good.

Breakfast, gentlemen?

Ah, breakfast.

Yes, I'll have
some porridge,

Fried eggs and bacon, toast,
marmalade, and coffee, please.

Yes, sir.

You, c.B.?

Will you
be needing your paper bag?

Good lord, no.

We'll be down
in half an hour.

Thank goodness for that.

Better get it over with.

I hear the next leg's
likely to be rough.

Could you manage a piece
of fried bread as well?

Yes, sir.

Perhaps two pieces?

Wait for it.

Thought so.

Ah, I am prime
minister Amphibulos.

Excellency, I speak for his
majesty king loris that you

Have very loud
welcome to gaillardia.

Yes, indeed.

Her majesty's government
assure you that gaillardia

Is very much in
their thoughts.

Good.

Very, very good.

And you, general, welcome.

Colonel bellingham.

Congratulations.

And now you must meet my
brother-in-law, Mr. Nakos,

Minister of agriculture,

Public works, highways,
and the transport.

Hello, boys.

My cousin,
Mr. archipelagos,

Chief of police, vessel of the
admiralty and distilleries.

Hello, boys.

The others do not matter.

Very nice men, but you
will meet them later.

And now please you inspect
the guards of honor.

We are very proud here that
our modern army is founded

On your brigade of guard.

Get up. Get up.

Why you lie down?

Your carriage.

Well, we meet
again soon, eh?

Oh, yes, of course.

Good.

And you, general, eh?

Have a good time.

His excellency
the ambassador.

Eh?

Oh, oh, you must excuse
me not getting up.

But as you see...

Of course, of course.

May I present colonel
bellingham of the bays?

Honor, sir.

Sir.

This is a moment of some
emotion for me, gentlemen.

The first official visitors
from the mother country

For... let me see,
57... 59 years.

Yes, will you take
a glass of Madeira?

Oh, thank you,
splendid idea.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to the island.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Would you be good
enough to secure the door?

The door?

We mustn't be overheard.

Oh, I see.

Bellingham, would you mind?

Oh, of course.

Well, they're digging... oh!

So sorry.

Digging, where?

Well, everywhere.

They've made little holes
all over the island.

What shape are the holes?

Oh, dear, they didn't say.

Do you hear
that there, bellingham?

What?

Little holes all
over the island.

Good lord.

Well, the first
thing is a map.

Map?

About the holes, sir.

Oh?

Then we can decide
exactly... what was in your mind?

Well, nothing, but one
always starts with a map.

May give us a line.

Well, personally,
gentlemen,

I think they're imposters.

Of course, we know
they're not cossacks.

Cossacks?

But I was speaking of
the British council.

You don't mean the
holes were made by them?

Well, they never stop.

They're like moles.

But the Russians... aren't
they digging?

Well, they seem
to have stopped,

But I can tell
you one thing.

They sent a message
to St. Petersburg.

St. Pete...

No, no, please
don't get up.

Thank you, sir.

May I present
Mr. Carlton-Browne,

The special ambassador?

How do you do?

And, sir, the military
attache, colonel bellingham.

Morning.

Your majesty, my
government desire me to

Convey their respectful
congratulations,

And wish me to assure
you that gaillardia still

Retains, in the hearts
of the British people,

The warm affection she
has so long enjoyed.

Well, that's very nice.

Shall we sit down?

I always think it's harder
to make speeches sitting

Down, don't you?

And how about a
nice cup of tea?

An English habit I've
grown very fond of.

Oh!

Are you all right, sir?

I'm so sorry, yes.

Oh, God, thank you, quite.

Well, now, Mr.
Carlton-Browne.

Your majesty, I... my
government and the people of

Great Britain feel a very
deep concern for this island.

Well, that's very
decent of them.

I must say I never met
anybody in Britain who'd

Ever heard of us.

Do you smoke?

Given them up?

Yes, sir.

I mean, no thank you, sir.

Your majesty, I must
respectfully remind you that

There is in
existence a treaty.

Oh, yes, I know
about the treaty, yes.

Then, sir, I'm sure you
will appreciate the presence

Here of another great
power...

Meaning the Russians.

Yes, sir.

Don't be afraid to say so.

If we go on chasing each
other around the mulberry

Bush, we shan't get
anywhere, shall we?

Oh, yes, sorry, sir.

That's all right.

Before you go on,
may I say something?

You see, I'm a new boy here.

Less than a fortnight ago, I
was having half a can in Mitre,

Looking forward to several years
in London as a medical student.

Suddenly, the phone rings
and Amphibulos here tells me

I'm a king.

It'd be a bit of a
shock for anyone.

Your majesty...

Just a moment.

I'm over the shock now.

I had a chance to look
around, and what do I find?

An awful lot of poverty,
Mr. Carlton-Browne.

No education, no hospitals,
no roads, no lavatories,

Nothing.

Your majesty, the office
of works has...

Just let me finish.

Yes.

On top of all this, I also
discovered that two great

Powers have suddenly become
very interested in us,

And I wonder why.

Your majesty, my
government is solely concerned...

Yes, I'm sure, but you see I'm
no politician.

And what I'd like you to
tell me in ordinary English

Is exactly what
you're after.

Your majesty, we're
not after anything.

That is to say if I could
convey your majesty's

Agreement, at
least in principle,

To the renewal to the
strengthening of those

Ties... those bonds which
had remained unbroken...

Certainly.

You can tell them that I am most
grateful for their good wishes.

Thank you, sir.
And?

Is that all, sir?

Until I know why this out
of the way little place has

Suddenly become so
important to everybody,

Wouldn't be very sensible
for me to commit myself,

Would it?

- No, sir, but...
- Good.

And have a good time
while you're here.

Colonel bellingham.

I'm sending you a sun ray lamp I
brought back from England.

It might help.

Oh, your majesty
is most gracious.

Amphibulos, go see our guests
out and then come back.

I'd like a word with you.

Your majesty.

Well, I must say in all
my years in the service,

I have...

Look, Mr.
Carlton-Browne, please.

You are not to worry.

Everything will
be all right.

He will see.

Now, tonight you and the
general here will have a

Little private
dinner with me.

Everything very friendly with
all our cards under the table.

Well, thank you very much.

Good, good.

Then I will see you tonight.

Tonight.

Giovan, my tweed jacket.

Well, that was
a waste of time.

If only we could all
waste time like that,

It would be very
good, you know?

I thought I knew something
about diplomacy, but you?

Marvelous.

Congratulations.

Congratulations?
What for?

Well, already you have
sent them out thinking the

Russians are in.

So now when they come back,
they make a big offer.

Then back come the Russians
with a bigger offer.

You and me, we are
sitting in the middle.

You have the Rolls-Royce.

I have the Cadillac.

Everybody's happy.

And the people?
What do they get?

The people?

They get the lavatories,
all the things you said to

Mr. Carlton-Browne.

They would be very happy
with the lavatories.

I see.

Well, now, what are we
going to do to entertain our

British guests?

Tonight I give a special
dinner for them

To meet the cabinet.

All right, but remember
now, no promises.

Be very discreet.

Your majesty,
do not worry.

Everything will be very
discreet, very dignified.

Oh, what a party.

Come on, c.B.,
now it's your turn.

Bravo. What do you do?

No, really,
not at the moment.

No, he's gonna party.

He's not tight enough.

That's the trouble.

Then we will help
by drinking a toast.

To the greatness of Britain
and all she will do for us.

Oh, thank you very much.

No, no, you
must drink in one.

Otherwise, you will
get a bit, you know?

Delicious.

Yes, yes.

It's called Gozanos.

Not a drop is drunk until
it's three weeks old.

And now we will have the musica.

Now we talk, eh?

It's the best party since
our boys out at Sandhurst.

Good, I am very happy.

I wanted you to know.

So now you tell
me what you want.

Well, our treaty rights...

No, no, no.

What you want.

Me?

Yes.

British foreign service?

Well, nothing like that.

Wonderful.

Congratulations.

If only there was more
people like you and me.

I have now to ask you
how much you think your

Government will yield.

Yield?

Yes.

Well, that would rather
depend on the king's attitude.

The king is
very young boy.

He's got no experience, and
he does not have no standing

With my men, but you.

You're really a brilliant
man who understand perfectly.

So now I have to ask you...

Good show.

Mr. Carlton-Browne.

Hmm?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You were saying?

That you have understood.

Oh, rather.

Good.

Then the king is no matter.

The real nature is his
Uncle the grand Duke.

You know, this man
is like... how you say?

The bull in the Chinese ship.

I can tell you that already
he's "talking" with the

Russians, you know.

The Russians?

Yes.

We must do
something immediately.

C.B., c.B., are
you all right?

Did you hear that?

The Russians, they're
speaking to the grand Duke.

Are they? By gum.

We've got to do something.

We've got to
show our teeth.

Show our teeth?

Put on a show of
strength, old boy.

That's what slasher
would advise.

Yes, yes, a
show of strength.

Yeah.

And so you see why it is
necessary for us to have a

Big show of our strength.

Look, I just don't
get the point of this.

Who are we trying to
impress anyway, the British?

The Russians?

Are they likely to
be fighting my army?

There is the grand Duke.

I know, I know, but
isn't it about time we try

Something new?

Couldn't we make a
peaceful approach?

Look, your majesty, here
I have reports from all over

The South.

Already he has seized
machine guns, rifles,

Hand grenades.

I tell you this man is going to
make a lot of trouble for you.

Maybe, maybe, but I still
think we should have a try.

Anyway, I've asked
him to meet me.

When?

This morning.

- Where?
- Here.

- Here?
- Yeah.

I am sorry, your majesty.

The cabinet will
never agree to this.

I'm sorry too.

He's coming.

He's coming?

You know, that
will be marvelous.

Then we could arrest him.

I've promised
him safe conduct.

That's better still.

The safer the conduct, the
easier to bump him, eh?

We'll do nothing
of the kind.

Right.

He would smell a trap.

He won't come.

Uncle Alex, glad you came.

This is not a
courtesy visit.

Now sit down
there, Amphibulos,

And don't try any tricks if you
know what's good for you.

Uncle, I promised
you safe conduct.

You needn't worry.

I don't need
your safe conduct.

I have my own out there.

Now, listen to me, boy.

Now that your father is gone
and I'm not going to pretend

I'm sorry, I don't intend
to go on bickering with you.

Well, that's wonderful.

As a matter of fact, I
intended...

Never mind your intentions.

There is only
one thing to do.

You must abdicate.

Oh?

In whose favor, yours?

No, there is the rightful
heir to the throne:

The princess Ilyena.

Hm, well, it's nice to know
the arrangements you're making.

You may not know it, but
this Adam is ready to fall

Into my hand like
a ripe apple,

Not because the
people love me,

But because they are
sick to death of this.

The people elected
me, your excellency.

Which shows that the
people are half-witted.

Your excellency,
of course,

Does not favor elections.

You are the best argument
against them, Amphibulos.

- Your majesty...
- Shut up.

You've got more on
your plate, young man,

Than you realize.

Take my advice: Abdicate.

I will see that
you're provided for.

That's nice of you.

What happens if I say no?

Well, that would
be very stupid.

Now, what's it to be?

I shall have to think
about it, shan't I?

Till the end of the month.

Uncle Alex, I haven't
seen Ilyena for 14 years.

Aren't I going
to see her now?

She's in mourning.

Women do not unveil.

Sorry, I was forgetting.

See you don't forget what
I've just told you... that's

If you don't want to finish
up with the rest of them in

A hotel in Portugal.

Come along.

Well, he did say it
wasn't a courtesy visit.

Now you have seen.

Yes.

Yes, perhaps we do need
a show of strength.

Amphibulos.

Your majesty.

Who built these stands?

The works minister,
your majesty.

Oh, your cousin.

Yes, he's a sort of cousin,
but he's given no time.

Or nails.

I will see to it he never
forgets this, your majesty.

Do you see who's here?

Hmm?

Admiral, see who
just dropped anchor?

We just got
here in time, Joe.

Uncle Alex, glad
you were able to come.

Thought I might as well
see what is your strength.

So did I.

Ilyena, come and sit here.

Chairs.

I want you to sit in the
front so that everyone sees

You are behind us.

Sit closer to the king.

The king,
the king.

Hello there, good-bye.

You are about to see a
grand display of our gallant

Gaillardian forces, each one
with meticulous precision in

Front of you at an
arranged moment.

And while they are passing,
I will decide for you what

It is will happen.

First come the
brave pioneers,

The men who build the
roads on which the army marches.

Also the holes.

In wars, the army uses many
holes for trenches

And other things.

You'd better make a note.

They'll need boots.

And a sergeant major.

These gallant ladies are
members of the M.W.S.:

The mobile women's shootsharpers,
otherwise known as the

King's own.

Well, I don't know what a
sergeant major will do with

That lot.

Or what that lot would
do with a sergeant major.

Ah, bravo.

The air forces.

These heroic pilots with
their gallant birds are what

We called with pride
"a few of the first."

Holy cow.

Amphibulos?

Your majesty?

Your majesty.

Where on earth did
you dig these up?

They were a present
from Great Britain for our

Glorious part in
the first war.

It's good to show, yeah?

Well, you might have
showed them flying.

They have no engines.

What?

They are disappeared.

Hello, what come now.

Behind the fighting front
comes the fighting behind.

Salute to the brave
citizens who guard the home.

Today the fighting men do not
walk to battle.

They arrive.

The men and machines of the
motorized infantry are the

Finest in the world.

Did you make it clear that
this was to be

A show of strength?

Oh, give us
a hand, somebody.

Ladies and
gentlemen, I am sorry,

But there seems to be a
slight technical difficulty.

As minister for
war, supplies,

And apparently almost
everything else,

I hold you entirely
responsible for making us

Look complete idiots.

Whose idea was it anyway?

You made me look
an absolute idiot.

The king is an idiot.

The British are idiots.

The timber was very cheap.

I was promised by the
contractor they would use it

Only for the public.

They are very dishonest men.

They're not the only ones.

Your cousin must have known
the wood was rotten.

How the devil was I to know

The show would
be so utterly rotten?

And of all the rotten
things in Gaillardia,

The rottenest is
Mr. Amphibulos.

Now you have seen why
we have to have money.

And so if the British offer
enough, you must take it.

Otherwise, the Russians will
make your Uncle so strong,

He will come and
throw you out.

Just get this into
your head, Amphibulos.

There's not going
to be any sell-out.

We're not going to be
occupied by anyone.

He shouldn't meddle with
things he doesn't understand.

He didn't ask
to be a king.

He may not have to worry
about that much longer.

Poor boy.

What will he do now?

Well, what do we do now?

Of course, our American
allies must be laughing

Their heads off.

Oh, I don't think so.

The admiral broke
a leg, you know.

Excellency, Mr.
Archipelagos would like

To see your
excellency.

Who?

The chief of
the police, sir.

Really?

Well, then show him in.

Excellency.

Bellingham.

Oh, how do you do?

What can I do for you?

Excellence, as
commanding me

In regard to
the only hospitals.

Hella!
It's a chap.

Quite.

I think this is more up
your street, old boy.

Oh, is it?

Oh, the British council?

Oh, I'm afraid
you can't see him.

He's in bed.

You see he's in
bed with lumbago.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, lumbago.

No.

Obviously, he doesn't mean the
British council, does he?

Hmm?

Remember Amphibulos
promised the police would

Find them for us?

So he did.

Do you mean the
British council?

You remember, the dancers?

Oh, lord.
They're still digging.

Just a minute.

We better have a map.

Good idea.

You will show us on the map.

No surface deposits.

The last lot, have
we analyzed them yet, Griffiths?

Oh, yes, sir John, yes.

Most extraordinary.

Well, what was it?

Epsom salts?

I think there must be a hole in
the bottom of my rucksack.

Well, we've riddled the island
with holes and found nothing.

If we don't find
it down here,

It's been a wild
goose chase.

Well, what do we
do then, sir John?

We danced our way in.

We'll have to
dance our way out.

Shh.

Did you hear that?

Came from over there.

You hang on.

I'll do a quick recce.

C.B.! C.B., the
Ruskies are here.

What, digging?

No, but they must
be getting warmer.

There you are.

This must be them.

Hello.

What is it?

Nitroglycerin?

No, Chanel no. 5.

Could that be the
British council?

One has heard things.

I must say I'm
rather surprised.

Look at that.

The French?

They're at it as well.

Everybody, apparently,
except for our chaps.

I say things are getting
a bit dicey, aren't they?

My dear fellow
, I dare say that

Unless we are very careful,

The balloon is likely
to go up at any minute.

Come on.

"Exhaustive search reveals
all major powers now"

Digging, stop.

"Informed grand Duke's forces
advancing through mountains,

Request guidance."

"Request guidance."

Guidance.

Take a cable.

"Congratulations on
transforming minor headache"

"into major crisis, stop."

Men on stop expected to give
advice, not ask it, stop.

"What, repeat, what
am I to tell U.N.O.

Next week?"

I've got to tell my
minister something.

He's making a big
speech next week.

Hmm.

You know, I can remember
the time when one word from

Great Britain and there
would have been a wall

Between the two peoples
to keep them apart.

I say, I think I've got it.

A partition.

A partition?

But that's brilliant.

Why, I would never
have thought of that.

Oh, congratulations.

Ah, over here, darling.

Gentlemen, it has been
well-said that east is east

And west is west.

But so, I venture to
suggest, is north and South.

The wolf is already at the
door with his... his shoulder

To the wheel.

On the other hand, the lion
is not yet prepared to lie

Down with the... the...

Where the devil was I off to?

The lamb.

No, you fool, the notes.

Where are they?

All history shows that a
house divided against itself

Cannot stand.

If the people of this
unhappy island will not stay

Apart, they must
be kept apart.

Gentlemen, for the peace
of Gaillardia... nay,

For the peace
of the whole world...

We ask that this line of
partition be drawn.

On the motion of great
Britain that between north

And South a line be drawn.

United States?

Pakistan?

Argentine?

Japan?

U.S.S.R.?

What's gone wrong?

Gentlemen, along
the 33rd parallel,

A line will be drawn.

This is the
BBC home service.

Here is the 8:00 news.

The king of Gaillardia
arrives in London today.

He is coming here at the
invitation of the British

Government to discuss future
relations between this

Country and the northern
half of the island.

The foreign secretary,
together with Mr. De Vere

Carlton-Browne, our
special ambassador,

Who has himself just
returned from Gaillardia,

Will be at London
airport to meet him.

I understand he's angry
having his country divided

In half.

We shall have to
butter him up a bit.

Might be a good idea if
we got him married to some

English girl.

I'd thought of that, sir.

Anyone in mind?

Well, I had thought of a
cousin of mine... lady Angela

Gore Chisington... who
is, of course,

Related to the
Duke of Suffolk.

I have a photograph
of her here.

Afraid it's rather blurred.

She's joint master
of the picture there.

What, this one?

It is a bad
snap, isn't it.

That's one of her hunters.

She's the one on the left.

Extremely wealthy.

She'd need to be.

Yes.

See that he gets the
full VIP treatment.

We hope, sir, that
you'll be comfortable.

If you should want anything...

There's only one
thing that I want.

That's the other half
of my country back.

There will be
a meeting, sir.

In fact a series of
meetings...

Yes, but are you going
to give it back?

We're anxious to give
every assistance...

I shall still want it back.

Good-bye.

That young man's
going to be difficult.

Ah, minister.

Sir John farthing and his
team have just arrived, sir.

That's the Canadian
ice hockey team?

No, our experts
from Gaillardia, sir.

Good heavens, I
will see him at once.

Yes, sir.

Ah, captain Slade?

Yes?

Sir John?

Aye?

My dear fellow.

Come and sit down.

Bring a chair.

We've been quite
worried about you.

Now, do sit down.

Cigarette?

I have my pipe.

Now, do tell me.

Well, we found it.

No.

I say we did.

Splendid.

There are very
large deposits.

There are?

Tremendous deposits,
comparatively speaking.

Well, that's wonderful.

Now, tell me, what... what
are you going to do with it?

Do with it?

This... this stuff.

The cobalt?

Cobalt.

Ah, yes.

I see.

Yes, of course,
that's... stuff you'll find in

Children's paint boxes?

It's what you paint on
a hydrogen bomb to get an

Explosion of 93 G.X.Z.

I'm very happy to tell
you that you're now in a

Position to blow the entire
world to smithereens.

But that's tremendous.

My dear fellow, how can
we ever thank you enough?

The minister's
called for a map.

Yes, of course.
Help yourself.

We've pulled it off.

We have?

Farthing says we've found
enough to blow up

The entire world.

That's terrific.

What a triumph for you.

Congratulations.

Well, one does
what one can.

Anything, don't let it
go any further.

Oh, of course not.

I have tremendous news.

Yes.

- C.B.'S brought it off.
- He has?

We can blow up the entire
universe any time we wish.

What?

But that's appalling.

Do you always have to see the
gloomy side of everything?

Ah, here we are, sir John.

Now you just pinpoint the exact
position of the deposits...

It's along this
area around here.

But that's in the South.

Of course it's
in the South.

Are you quite sure?

Naturally I'm sure.

Do you hear that?

We've got the wrong half.

Yes. Oh, yes, yes.

Yes.

Yes, I appreciate
what you say.

Mm, but already his majesty
is waiting for two weeks.

You ask him here
for urgent talks,

And leave him to
talk to himself.

No, thank you.

His majesty does not wish
to see the tower of London.

Already he was at Battersea
power station yesterday,

And he hates that
Albert memorial.

Now, please, please, he
wants only to see the

Foreign office.

That's right.

Thank you.

Okay, good-bye.

Well, what's the
excuse this time?

The minister's got
a cold in the head.

Yesterday his
car broke down.

The day before, their advisors
went to the wrong ministry.

They say now they try to
arrange something quickly.

No, they want to
try a bit harder.

There's something very
peculiar going on,

And I'd like to
know what it is.

I go now to the
foreign secretary.

I'll see you when I return.

Yes.

With your majesty's
gracious permission,

We will attend
to the flowers.

They've just been done.

We regret the
inconvenience, your majesty,

But there appears to be some
slight misunderstanding.

Is it true that you have the
king of Gaillardia staying?

Yes, ma'am, but I
understand that he may be

Leaving quite shortly.

We do hope you'll
be very happy here.

Well, here we are.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It is possible... and I
use the word advisedly,

Possible... that we
might pay something.

I suggest 17 million.

I was going to
suggest 2 1/2 million.

You must have a word
with the minister at once.

Why?

The king of
Gaillardia's just arrived.

But the minister's
with the grand Duke.

Well, he insists
on seeing him.

He can't.

I don't know what you're
going to do about it.

He's in the anteroom.

Where do I find
the minister?

Well, not here, sir.

Out that door, turn right,
straight down the corridor.

You'll find somebody
to direct you.

Thank you, thank you.

Where is he?

Well, he was here.

Where's the king?

The what?

The king of Gaillardia.

The bloke just made off
and missed her.

Just left.

There he is.

Sir, sir, I'm so sorry.

It was your coat.

The minister's conference?

Through the door, sir.

Thank you.

Come in.

Your majesty, might
I have a word with you?

Not now, Mr.
Carlton-Browne.

It's a matter
of some urgency.

I'm here to
see the minister.

I do understand, but I'm happy
at the present moment...

Mr. Carlton-Browne,

Will you kindly
get out of my way?

Your majesty, I very
much regret...

- So do I.
- Oh!

Your majesty, I really
must ask that you...

That's all I wanted to know.

Why on earth did
you bring him in here?

Bring?

You will please tell his
most gracious excellency the

Grand Duke that there is
much I can now do to assist him.

And he is not to
worry about the king,

Because the British have
dropped him like a bag potato.

So now I think is very
simple for all of us.

You will please explain
to your Uncle that with me

Behind the throne and
him in front of it,

You will be... how do you
say, standing pretty.

Then, of course,
you will be queen,

And this young man... who
in any case is very

Stupid... will be thrown out.

Is that all?

Yes.

Tell him, please.

Very well.

Ilyena?

Ah, Ilyena, you must get
yourself ready at once.

What for?

Mr. Carlton-Browne is
bringing his cousin to meet

You, the heir to
the Duke of Suffolk.

Come in, Amphibulos.

Had a profitable afternoon?

Your majesty, I
have been asleep.

He says that the king has
been dropped by the British.

I know that.

And he feels that now you
could work very well together.

Oh, he does, does he?

And I am beginning
to think he's right.

What do you say?

I think what both of
you are doing is horrible,

Just horrible.

Please!

Hello. Miss Adrianas,
you remember me?

Yes, of course, Mr. Jones.

Well, here we go again.

That's the first nice
thing that's happened.

Oh, and where
are you off to?

Nowhere.

May I come too?

So you know that
old bird, do you?

Yes, I do.

And Ilyena?

Even better.

I haven't seen her since
she was a spotty-faced

Little horror of about ten.

Can we go in here?

Anywhere you like.

The minister's given me
exactly three days to settle

The whole matter.

Of course, if
you do marry her,

It'll mean living there
for part of the year.

Hmm, anything to shoot?

Only the natives.

What fun.

As polling day draws
near in the Gosford Green

Bi-election, excitement
mounts rapidly to fever pitch.

Thank you, there was
someone I didn't want to see.

Shh.

Here at first hand, a
typical housewife gives our

Roving camera her views on
the burning issues of the day.

What do you think of the
cold war, Mrs. Carter?

I beg your pardon?

The international
situation.

Do you think it's
getting any easier?

Well, I don't really know.

Of course not.

They say that this election
will be won on the trade issue.

Do you think we're winning
the battle on exports?

Well, I couldn't say.

No, quite.

They're telling me locally
that you're all very

Concerned about the
provision of new schools.

Oh, yes.

Do you feel
strongly about that?

Well, I hadn't really
thought about it.

Well, thank you very
much indeed, Mrs. Carter.

You've been most helpful.

And I'm sure we all have a
clearer idea of what is in

The mind of the British
housewife today.

Thank you, Mrs. Carter.

It's quite all right.

From the island
of Gaillardia,

Scene of a recent
royal assassination,

Important visitors recently
arrived at London airport.

We can go now.

No, we must see this.

We didn't pay to
listen to you two gossip.

Following closely on the
heels of the young king,

The grand Duke Alexis is
here for urgent talks with

The government.

High foreign office officials
were there to greet him.

He is accompanied by his
niece, the princess Ilyena,

Whose grace and charm
immediately won the

Affection of all
those who met her.

A figure of radiant beauty,
her presence here in

England, together with
her Uncle the grand Duke,

Will do much to cement relations
between two island peoples.

So that's it.

I'm sorry.

I feel terrible about it.

I've had enough of this.

I'm gonna get the manager.

There's no need.

We're going.

Well, miss Adrianas...

I'm sorry.

I never meant to
deceive you, Mr. Jones.

Please, if you let
me, I will explain.

You'd better.

Taxi.

Uncle Alex is going
to be very angry.

Well, that makes
it just perfect.

Bring another
bottle, will you?

Oui, monsieur.

What's that lounge
suit doing here?

He's the king
of Gaillardia.

Don't care if
he's Billy hill.

We aren't having
lounge suits here.

Oh, well, he's ordered
another bottle of the best.

Well, don't take a check.

Is your niece likely
to be much longer, sir?

I'm sorry.

I can't understand
what's keeping her.

Ilyena?

Ilyena?

What's she
like to look at?

We'll soon see.

I apologize, gentlemen.

It seems my niece
has disappeared.

Ilyena...

Yes?

Suppose you were running
a small family concern,

And you learn that a big
corporation has decided to

Put you out of business,
and then you also discover a

Relative is to be put in
your place...

And that your manager is
trying to do a deal

With both of them
behind your back?

Yes.

That's it.

Well, what would you do?

I don't know.

I wondered... suppose you
put to the shareholders.

Ilyena, that's
quite an idea at that.

You know, you and I
ought to get together.

Good night, your majesty.

Good night, darling.

Did you see
the grand Duke?

No.

Can't make it out.

He's being most elusive.

Is that my tea?

Yes. How about the girl?

That's just the point.

Three days are up, and you
haven't even met her yet.

I don't know what the
minister's going to say.

Carlton-Browne?

Sir.

Come see me at once.

Yes, sir.

Yes, minister?

What have you been up
to now, Carlton-Browne?

I gave you three days to
settle this Gaillardia

Affair, and what happens?

The king slips
the royal hands,

Returns to the island, and
sends me the rudest telegram

I've ever received.

The princess, after one look
presumably at your cousin,

Goes after him.

So does the grand Duke.

And to cap everything,
we've just had word that a

Revolution has broken out.

Revolution, sir?

Three security slipups,
all our negotiations

Wrecked, and a revolution.

How extraordinary.

Extraordinary, yes.

I don't know what it is.

But put you in
charge of anything,

And within 24 hours this
department is facing a crisis.

We're committed now.

We can't back out.

We shall have to
send troops in fast.

Who was that military
fellow you had out there?

Bellingham, sir?

He'll have to take
charge, knows the country.

I want C.I.G.S., war office,
first lord admiralties,

Secretary for air, and the
secretary to the cabinet in

That order.

And, Carlton-Browne,
although the prospect

Appalls me, with half my
staff tied up at the united

Nations and the other half
in bed with Haitian flu,

I am reluctantly obliged
to place the country's

Interests in the hands of
the very last person I'd

Have chosen for a
mission of this kind.

Oh, who's that, sir?

You, you... You
half-witted Halibut.

All history shows that a
house artificially divided

Against itself cannot stand.

Gentlemen, for the future
peace of Gaillardia,

Nay of the whole world, we ask
that this line be withdrawn.

On the motion of great
Britain that between north

And South the line be
withdrawn, United States?

Pakistan?

Argentine.

Japan.

U.S.S.R.?

I thought as much.

What's he saying?

The Soviet supports the
spontaneous revolt of the

People against
harsh aggression.

They're sending 11 aircraft
carriers and 19 cruisers on

A goodwill visit.

And we've sent
Carlton-Browne.

All right, can't
wait any longer.

Gather round, everybody.

Come on.

Sorry I'm late.

Where have you been?

I had to go back
for my earplugs.

All right, pay
attention, everybody.

Now, here's a picture.

The revolution started
in the north prepping our

Position, then over
the line to the South.

Rebel headquarters
in this village here.

They have no idea
we're in the country,

Which would be pretty
good parlay.

Right, we're here
then... straight across our

Line of advance.

Our attack goes in at 0200.

20 minutes to mop up
advanced posts, consolidate.

1 hour 45 to rebel H.Q.,
which will be taken by 0440.

That should give us plenty
of time to court-martial the

Leaders, shoot them, Polish
equipment before breakfast.

Any questions?

Oh, what time
is breakfast?

You can have it any time.

Where does one get it?

Well, haven't
you brought any?

In all our strength,
you know.

Anything else?

All right,
synchronize watches.

Make 0135,
15 seconds.

0135, 16 seconds
it is, sir.

I said 15.

Yes, sir, but I was aligning
the time you were speaking.

But I spoke for
more than a second.

Well, sir...

All right,
what do you make it now?

0135, 28, sir.

- 29, sir.
- 31, sir.

- Nonsense, my...
- Oh, stop this.

C.B., what do
you make of it?

Hmm? Oh.

I'm afraid mine's stopped.

Everyone will now set
their watches at 0136.

D hour is at 0140
minus 2, plus 3.

Got that?

Yes, sir.

All right,
fall out. No smoking.

Didn't you say no smoking?

Hmm?

Follow me.

Bellingham?
Bellingham, what's that?

- What?
- Listen.

Hello, Rolo.

Rolo answering.

Message received
and understood. Off.

Attacking advance post
just going in, sir.

Dead on.

They've started.

Nothing to worry about.

We'll fall out
about half an hour.

Good.

Hello, Rolo.

Rolo calling.

Report my signals.

Hello, Rolo.

Rolo calling.

Are you receiving me?

Report my signals, over.

What progress?

None, sir.

We've lost contact.

They went off the air in
the middle of a message.

Blasted W.T.

Always pecks out just
when you want it.

Extraordinary that
if one didn't know,

One might think that the
shooting was getting nearer.

Nonsense.

Pure illusion.

It must be the mountains.

Quite.

What is it?

There's a force coming at
us through the forest, sir.

- From which direction?
- There, sir.

- We're being attacked, sir.
- Where?

- From over here, sir.
- Nonsense.

Where?

There, sir.

Inside quick!

Let me in!

What the devil were
you doing out there?

We're being attacked!

Impossible.

There's not a rebel this
side of the mountains.

Where did that come from?

Must be a rebel force
we haven't heard about.

What do we do?

There's only one
thing we can do.

Here, take these.

We'll have to
shoot our way out.

But I can't. I'm a civilian.

If I'm caught with these,
I'd be shot on the spot.

If you're caught at all,
you'll be shot on the spot.

They wouldn't
dare, would they?

Shh. Listen.

They stopped firing.

Contact again, sir.

Attack progressing.

Advanced post surrounded.

Shut up.

Quick!

Quick, clear this off.

Major Miller, what's
the meaning of this?

Surrounding your
own headquarters?

Bloody scandal.

Must have gone
round in circles, sir.

If you didn't
you're going to.

Put yourself under arrest.

Sir.

Captain Bowles...

Sir.

Take these men back
to the start line.

The operation will continue.

Sir. All right, fall
in over there.

Follow me.

At the double!

Get these men moving.

Hurry up.

We're lucky they
didn't shoot us.

I don't agree.

No sign of "a" company
on that flank either, sir.

Can't make it out.

Shouldn't we sit
here and wait for them?

Certainly not.

We're already
behind schedule.

Anyway, they could
be ahead of us.

All right, fall in behind.

Come on.

Bellingham, are all
campaigns like this?

Like what?

Well, a shambles.

Nothing of the kind.

Everything's going
completely according to plan.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

As a matter of fact, if
we get there by daybreak,

We can still catch
them on the hop.

Important thing
is initiative and

Surprise... completely
surprise?

Carlton-Browne?

Mr. Carlton-Browne,
and you, colonel.

I beg your
pardon, brigadier.

I see you've been promoted.

This is quite unexpected.

Where were you two off to?

I, sir... we, sir...

Well, sit down,
both of you.

You must be very tired.

I would rather stand.

Thank you, sir.

Well, now, Mr.
Carlton-Browne.

Well, sir, we'd... we'd
heard that there was a

Revolution, and...

You rushed troops
out here to rescue me?

Yes, sir.

Well, that was
very considerate.

Weren't you told
that I started it?

Started what, sir?

The revolution.

The minister made it clear
it was the only thing left

To do, and it's
going very well.

No, I'm very glad, sir.

Thank you.

Well, apart from a few
of the grand Duke's men,

Seems to be all over.

I think I will sit down
if you don't mind, sir.

Certainly.

Excuse me a moment.

Gentlemen, I think you know
my fiancee the princess Ilyena.

They've gallantly made the
most arduous journey to

Bring us their government's
congratulations.

How very brave.

Yes.

I shall have to find some
way to express our gratitude

For all they've done.

Of course.

What you have done will
be long remembered

In Gaillardia.

We, therefore, do invest you
with the star of Elysium,

Third class.

That surprised
you, didn't it?

Only one thing clouds
our happiness today.

For reasons of health,
the grand Duke Alexis has

Decided to spend his
remaining years in a hotel

In Portugal.

Mr. Amphibulos, with
rare generosity,

Has resolved to
accompany him.

And now I'm going to ask
Mr. Carlton-Browne to kick

Off for this goodwill
football match,

Which will mark the
departure of our visitors

From the U.S.A.

And the u.S.S.R.

Thank you, Mr.
Carlton-Browne.

Your majesty.

How many
paragraphs, Arthur?

- None.
- None?

There's a short reader.

"When Cadogan De Vere
Carlton-Browne leaves

"hospital today, he will
go straight to Buckingham

"palace for investiture.

"His knighthood is a
well-merited reward for his

"services in the
cause of world peace.

"His handling of a difficult
situation has throughout

Proved a triumph of
British diplomacy."